Original subtitles

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(soft eerie music)

(energetic orchestral music)

(gentle cheerful music)

(gentle cheerful music) (carts rattling)

(intercom rings)

Attention Victory shoppers,

the time is now 10:00 and the store is now closed.

Please bring all your items to the front--

(intercom cuts out)

To the front.

(clicking buttons)

- First night as closing manager and you break the phone.

- Anyways, that should be the last customer.

Where's Hale?

Hale!

The phone just broke.

(Hale sighs)

- Better get your shit together, old man.

My paper feeder's been jamming all day.

Yeah?

Proven fact that receipt paper

tends to act finicky around sluts.

- Oh no you didn't just--

Bailey, just forget it.

- Just keep counting please. - He just called me a slut.

Hale, jerk.

I'm gonna take five, Jesus, asshole.

(screams)

(laughs)

Where you off to, sexy?

Bathroom.

Hot, right?

Oh, very. (chuckles)

Stop, not here.

I'm not gonna be the first manager to be written up by Hale

for making out by the cookies.

He's a dick.

No, he's just,

okay yeah, he is.

I don't know, it's just,

I think

there's a lot of years there and

they weren't all good.

Yeah, whatever.

Look, my only concern is that this weekend

my parents are at Foxwood, so, you're coming over, right?

- [Cass] I'm looking forward to it.

Good.

Stop it.

What?

I have to pee.

(sighs)

(Cass giggles)

(sighs)

(exasperated exhale) What?

(sighs) Get put in charge for one night.

(gasps) Oh fuck. (flushing toilet)

Oh. (whining)

Shit.

(sighs)

Ug, Bailey, you can't leave that out.

Bailey?

Hale!

Ryan!

(door rattles)

Could somebody please, (static hissing)

(phone clicks)

(soft suspenseful music)

Guys?

(soft suspenseful music)

You guys, this isn't funny.

Ryan?

Ug, Bailey!

(soft suspenseful music)

Bailey?

(fearful breathing)

(gasps)

What happened, are you okay?

Bailey?

(screaming)

Bailey!

What is-- (screaming)

Anybody!

I'm gonna get help!

(screaming)

Somebody!

(man screaming)

(gasps)

Ryan!

Ryan. (crying)

- Who did this? - It's still here.

Who did this?

Who?

It's coming.

Who's coming?

(screaming)

Hide, hide, hide! (screaming)

(cart rattling) (Ryan screaming)

(screaming)

(cart rattling) (screaming)

(screaming) (slow suspenseful music)

(keys jingling) (screaming)

(cart rattling) (screaming)

(panicked crying)

(bangs head)

(pained yelling)

(cart rattling)

(nervous breathing) (cart rattling)

(slow suspenseful music)

(whimpering)

Come on.

Come on.

(slow suspenseful music)

Run!

(screaming)

(energetic suspenseful music) (card rattling)

- Quick, (muttering incoherently)

(cart thumps)

(Cass muttering incoherently)

Shut up, Cass.

- (cart banging) - Please help me, please.

That didn't just happen. (sobbing)

- Oh it fuckin' happened all right.

- Shopping carts can't kill people!

- Quiet, quiet! (sobbing)

I'm sorry kid, but if you wanna stay alive,

just do as I say, okay?

(Cass whimpering) Breath, breath.

(cart creaks) Breath.

- (nervous breathing) Why'd it stop?

Why'd it cut the phone lines?

Why'd it try to cut the power?

Why aren't you and I dead yet?

It's enjoying this too much.

- Please tell me what's going on. (crying)

It happened so fast.

It came after me first and I fought it off

so it chased after your boyfriend when he ran outside.

I guess it knew which of us was the weaker prey.

Why, why? (crying)

They're killers, all of 'em.

They might not always strike, but they always want to.

They devote their existence to shoppers

and what do they get in return?

Abused, mistreated, hit by cars

because people can't walk the 10 feet

to put 'em back in their proper place.

They're stolen by homeless, raced by drunk teens.

Well, every once in a while, one just snaps.

- (crying) What are you talking about?

- I'd heard the stories, even been around long enough

to be damn sure I'd seen some shit, but honestly,

I don't know that I even really believed it until tonight.

This is insane, you're insane!

Am I?

Trust your eyes, Cass, you saw it.

(dramatic music)

I suppose it's just us left now.

Bailey.

What?

(panicked breathing)

- I think Bailey's still out there.

- Jesus, I thought she'd be the first to go.

Well then fuck it!

You stay inside.

Lock the door behind me.

You're going out there?

I can't, in good conscious,

leave her there to die now, can I?

(slow suspenseful music)

Wait, lift up your shirt.

- [Hale] I'm fine--

Just do it!

(panicked breathing) (suspenseful music)

[Hale] All right, thanks.

- You're not leaving me in--

Yes, I am.

No, we're gonna get Bailey

and we're all gonna leave together.

(slow suspenseful music)

(distant clattering)

You gonna poke it to death?

- Any moment now, I'm gonna wake up.

- Whatever you need to tell yourself.

(slow suspenseful music) (panicked breathing)

Bailey.

(gasping)

(whimpering)

Oh my God. (slow eerie music)

(gasps)

(screaming)

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(body thumps)

(screaming)

Come on, run!

(deep rumbling)

Go!

(tool whirring)

My truck's in the back!

(grunting)

(screaming)

(cart rattling) (screaming)

No, no!

(cart rattling) (screaming)

Fucker!

(cart rattles)

(Hale screaming)

Get up!

(cart rattling)

Okay. (gasps)

(slow dramatic orchestral music)

(Cass whispering inaudibly)

(cart rattling) (Hale grunting)

- Cass! - Shh!

(cart rattling)

Give me your keys.

(labored breathing) Yeah.

Okay.

(cart creaking)

- I'm here, you piece of shit, come on!

(dramatic orchestral music)

Come on.

(cart creaking)

Now! (engine roars to life)

(screaming) (cart rattles)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Cass grunting)

(tool buzzing) (screaming)

(door slamming)

(compactor buzzing)

[Hale] Run, get outta here!

No Hale, we beat it.

(compactor buzzing) (cart crunching)

No.

It's only the beginning.

(slow suspenseful music)

(distant screaming)

(carts rattling) (dramatic music)

(power tool buzzing) (screaming)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(crickets chirping)

(dramatic eerie music)

(crickets chirping) (distant music playing)

(goat bleats)

(cheerful jazzy music) (woman laughing)

Oh la la.

(music cuts out)

No, no! (clicking remote)

(goat bleating)

(can thumps)

(refrigerator humming)

Course I'm outta beer.

(pan clanks)

(water trickling)

(water splashes)

(light buzzing)

(goat bleats)

(water splashes)

(soft eerie music)

(beeping electronics)

(distant screeching) (pained grunting)

(distant pained grunting)

(low suspenseful music)

(door creaks)

(low suspenseful music) (crickets chirping)

(man vomiting) (coughing)

(cans clattering)

(low suspenseful music)

(rattling)

(woman laughing) (cheerful jazzy music)

(lamp clatters)

(woman laughing) (cheerful jazzy music)

(rustling) (cheerful jazzy music)

(squishy groaning)

(screaming) (energetic dramatic music)

Goddam chupacabra.

(energetic dramatic music)

Show yourself you little pecker wood.

(table rattles)

Took my finger and I can't abide by that!

(table clattering)

(distant shrieking)

(cabinets clattering)

Cock sucker!

Aha! (hammer clatters)

(screeching) (screaming)

(squishy thump)

(grunts) (energetic music)

(screeching) (screaming)

(pained screaming)

Mommy!

(pans clattering)

(hammer banging)

(screeching) (hammer banging)

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

(screeching) (energetic dramatic music)

(explosion blasts)

(fire alarm shrieking)

No shit.

(cheerful strumming music)

(chuckles) Tonight really turned out.

(distant growling) (crickets chirping)

(energetic suspenseful music)

(creatures growling)

Shoulda seen this coming.

(creatures growling) (laughs maniacally) No!

- Whoa whoa, whoa, paint the man cave?

Over my dead body.

(energetic rock music)

Put those brushes down right now.

You're not painting the man cave, Kitten Whiskers Purple.

No, no, I won't come home and paint with you.

Ever.

Besides, I'm out with the guys tonight, late.

You don't tell me what to do, I tell you what to do.

I'll be home when I get home and that's when I'll get home.

(sighs) Okay, 9:00,

or whenever I feel like it.

(sighs) Right, yeah, no later than 9:30.

(grunts) Goddamn you! (phone clinks)

Hey, go get that.

- Get it! - All right, Jesus.

- Chop, chop, I ain't got all day.

- Okay. - You want a tip?

Go find a home.

(energetic rock music)

What's that now?

Oh, I am listening to you.

You're going on about uh, biceps or something.

(energetic rock music)

(laughs) No, don't, it's just a little loud in here.

(ice clinks)

You got nothing to worry about, it's only guys here.

(energetic rock music)

(phone ringing)

Hey.

Oh come on, babe.

I only get to see these guys like once a year.

I'll look for a job tomorrow.

You know, if I have time before my gig.

Besides, that RCA guy is supposed to be calling this week.

No, you say that every week.

Yeah, you know, beep, I think your phone,

beep, yeah, your phone might be dying.

Like I hope you do!

Oh, Hoobastank.

(cheerful rock music)

(pee trickling)

(phone clicking) (distant music playing)

(phone notification rings)

(distant music playing)

(loud thumping)

Someone's in here.

(pee trickles)

(laughing)

That's pretty good. (laughing)

- [Man] That's a lot of potatoes. (laughing)

(men laughing)

Are you all right, Peter?

(crying) I'm afraid of Marie.

Your housekeeper?

No, Marie, my wife, you idiot.

- [Brett] Yeah, the Mexican broad you're banging.

What?

She's not,

Marie is my wife.

Maria is our housekeeper and she's Ecuadorian.

She's part horse?

Why are you so afraid of her?

Is this about the bruises?

Has she been hitting you again?

Goddammit! (thumps counter)

[Peter] Whoa, dude, relax.

- I can't relax, she can't (sighs)

it's just that, (sighs)

I'm just so horny.

I'm okay, I'm fine, it's just uh,

I've been married for about a year now and I uh, (chuckles)

I thought it was gonna be all, you know,

running through the house butt naked,

having fun times in the shower, you know,

maybe occasional blowie on a road trip, but it's not.

It's not. (laughing)

You know, when I wanna, she's all, eh.

So now, I gotta sneak around like a ninja

with lube in the garage just to get off,

which I never had to goddam do before!

(sighs) Peter, it's not right.

I mean, I've lost all respect for you as a man.

Wait, let me be clear about that,

you're not a man, but you're still my friend.

I mean, I'd kill her.

Woman laid her hands on me, I'd kill her.

You could divorce her.

I'm no quitter.

So?

So what?

(laughing) No.

(laughing) I couldn't do that to my own wife.

I mean, I signed on for forever, right?

So it's forever.

Shit, I'll do it.

Then you'd have to kill mine.

(slow dramatic music)

(laughing)

I'm just messing with you guys. (laughing)

(group laughing)

- I suppose we're supposed to kill each other's wives too.

(group laughing)

(scattered laughter)

- (playful music) - What?

(gravel crunching) (playful music)

(thumping ground)

- How do you know they won't be found?

Where are we anyway?

- Yeah, this place looks familiar.

It's Wilma Horton's place,

bought it from the bank when they foreclosed it.

The witch?

This is old widow Horton's place?

She's a goddam witch, Doug.

- There's no such thin, ya pussy,

what do you think it's cursed?

(thunder rumbles)

Oh, and I suppose you're gonna read into that.

Pick up your shovel.

(thumping the ground)

(alarm beeping)

(grunts) (tapping clock)

(sighing)

(slow dramatic music)

Morning.

(phone rings) What is it?

Is my hair a mess?

I'll fix it in a few minutes. (laughs)

Yeah? (sighs)

- [Willie] I got a little problem here, Dougie.

[Doug] Same here.

Who are you talking to?

- No one darling, go back to sleep.

Was that who I think it was?

- Yeah, and Brett called me this morning frantic.

He seems to be having a similar issue.

(screaming)

- [Woman] What the hell is the matter with you?

(screaming)

Shit, anyone heard from Peter?

(birds chirping)

(bag crinkling)

(laughing)

(water trickling) (dramatic music)

(screaming)

Are you done? (sighs)

My mother is coming for a visit today

so I need you to help Maria clean the house.

Understand?

(knocking at the door)

Oh, that'll be Maria.

I'm gonna get her started on the windows.

Hi.

(Maria muttering incoherently)

What are we gonna do?

God knows, I don't know.

Just give me some time to figure something out.

What the hell?

What the hell are we supposed to do until then?

- And that's how I got down to two packs a day.

Oh.

- Yeah, (laughs) great. - Mmhmm.

What's the matter with him?

He looks like a fricken retard.

- I know he's been like that all goddam day.

I'm starting to get worried.

Hm.

Oh sweetheart, I'm kinda worried about you,

you're looking a little thin there.

Oh. (giggles)

(phone ringing)

- (muttering) No, that's my phone.

- Sorry, Brett's not gonna make it to anymore gigs.

He's busy growing up!

(Brett whining)

Ah, here's one for data entry.

You can enter data, right?

- What's data-- - I'm circling it.

(Brett whining) (playful music)

(humming)

(chuckles)

(humming)

- Oh, (shivering) hey boo. (laughs nervously)

- Mm, a man shaving is such a turnon.

Ew, oh.

Oh, what are we doing?

(chuckles) Hey.

Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper, Bradley Co--

Oh, em, gee. (gasps)

Look at this one, Champaign Tickle!

That is adorable, Champaign Tickle, so cute.

That looks a lot like the Summer Wheat we used in the den.

Still, Champagne Tickle, that is the cutest thing.

(chuckles) Who names them, I wonder.

That's someone's job, isn't that crazy?

Someone actually got paid to think of Champaign Tickle.

I wonder if I could do that, I bet I could.

Anyway, where's Pecan Cream again?

I can't find it.

Um,

you liked that one, I think.

Can't remember when I showed it to you,

you like smiled or something.

I distinctly got the impression you like--

(club thumps)

(slow eerie music)

Here it is, it was on the floor.

Pecan Cream, that is another cute name.

(chuckles) I love it.

(gasps) Anyway.

(sobbing)

Honey?

- Oh, my dogs are barking. (sighs)

Rub a little harder.

(playful energetic music)

(gagging)

(playful bluegrass music)

(shrieking)

(playful bluegrass music)

Baby, you forgot your lunch.

I told you, Applebee's just gets too expensive.

(playful bluegrass music)

(tires screech) (car thumps)

(playful bluegrass music)

(surprised grunt) Sweetie!

Have a good day, there's an apple in there.

I think you like apples.

Bye dear.

Bye baby.

(door clicks)

(grass crunching) (engine humming)

- I've been looking for you guys for an hour!

- God! - Okay, everybody agrees?

It's what we want?

(group agreeing) (expressing frustration)

- You guys all brought something?

Yeah, right on.

- Jesus Peter, shit snacks, this isn't Red Fricken Dawn!

What?

Willie?

Oh come on, seriously?

(Peter laughing)

- You said bring a gun, so I brought a gun.

It's not like everybody has guns laying around their house.

It was my grandfather's you know?

This is the only thing--

Jesus does it work?

Yes it works.

- Fine, make sure your guns are loaded and pick a guy.

I got Brett.

(slow dramatic music)

Hey Glory, wanna join us here?

Shut up.

Okay, cock your guns.

(laughing) Sorry.

It'll all be over soon, boys.

On the count of three.

One,

- (gun blasts) - Whoa!

What the hell? (shrieking)

(men panicking)

Where the hell were you guys?

I was supposed to shoot Brett, you asshole.

What the shit, you said on three.

- Yeah, I didn't even get to three, you idiot.

- You weren't counting backwards?

What?

(slow dramatic music)

Oh, good for William.

(gun blasts)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(guns blast)

(soft dramatic music)

(alarm beeping)

(slow suspenseful music)

(screaming)

(blaring electric guitar music)

(birds chirping) (labored breathing)

Hey, what's up?

You suck.

You fuckin' suck! (spits)

(chaotic yelling)

(slow suspenseful music)

Did you try the whammy bar?

Yeah.

Okay son, the time has come.

It's time for you to have this.

This thing has been in the family a long time.

I think it will help you.

(dramatic loud music)

Whoa.

- Yeah, this'll make you good, like crazy good.

How?

- Your great grandpa signed a contract for it.

With Satan.

Cool.

Satan's cool. (laughing)

Oh and Lars, this gift of the dark lord

comes with some rules.

One, you can only play it at night.

Two, you can't use it to make money

and three, don't do that thing

where you pretend it's your dick,

while playing it like this.

(dramatic slow music)

Lars.

(slow dramatic music)

Hail Satan.

(loud electric guitar music)

(energetic rock music) (electric zapping)

(gurgling)

(screaming)

(gurgling)

Did you hear how good I was?

(whooshing)

(screaming)

Oh shit.

(energetic rock music) (electric zapping)

(screaming)

Oh shit.

(screaming)

(grunts)

(gasping)

- What are you doing? (screaming)

(screaming) (energetic rock music)

(grunting) (screaming)

Fuck.

Who's a good baby?

(screams) My baby!

Shit on my fuck.

(screaming)

I wanna die.

Thy will be done. (chuckles)

Thine own self be true. (laughs)

No, I'm your master!

No! (screams)

(grunts) (squirting)

(gurgling)

(energetic rock music)

(gentle eerie music box music)

(engine humming) (gentle eerie music)

It came, it came!

[LouAnne] Open it.

Careful Red, careful.

(gasping)

Dear Seretta and LouAnne,

I am pleased to inform you that your

Cheesy Burger Bites recipe is the grand prize winner!

What? (shrieks)

(screaming) (laughing)

- As a restaurateur and lover of the culinary arts,

I am thrilled to be a part of this amazing event.

(laughing)

Please join me, oh,

at the awards ceremony featuring a concert by my band.

Rock on, Johnny Depp.

Asterisks, airfare not included.

(laughing) (playful dramatic music)

(screaming) (laughing)

We're going to the concert, woo!

You know what this means?

Everything's gonna change!

- This is our chance! - Our chance.

- After the concert, the Depper's gonna meet us

and he's gonna ask us to be--

[Together] His personal chefs.

Lunch ladies my ass!

(loud protesting)

- Order, order! (whistle shrieking)

(playful dramatic music)

(rumbling fart) (laughing)

Order, order! (playful music)

(whistle shrieking)

- Fuck me, I'd rather eat a tampon.

(chuckles)

(playful dramatic music) (whistle shrieking)

(splatting) (shrieking)

(laughing)

(playful dramatic music)

- Hey, hey. (sobbing)

(labored breathing) Keep your eye on the prize.

(slow dramatic music)

(intercom buzzes)

- [Principal] Ladies, this is Principal Grossfetig.

I simply cannot allow these subpar lunches to continue.

What a load of junk, you shit!

- Sir, sir, we are doing our best.

We're giving 100%, but we can't be at the top of our game

if our produce ain't fresh.

- [Principal] Ladies, a real chef can create a masterpiece

from what's at hand.

Bottom line,

you are not working up to Melvin High potential.

If lunch doesn't improve tomorrow for surprise Friday,

I have no choice but to replace you with vending machines!

I hope you understand, lunch ladies.

We're chefs, not lunch ladies!

Fuck you, Melvin High, Johnny wants us!

We are out of here!

- Red, Red, Red, Red, honey, we cannot lose our jobs.

Buy that airfare and get to the concert.

(sighs)

Johnny's concert.

Asterisk?

Airfare not included. (crying)

Goddammit!

(screaming) (cart clattering)

(splashing)

(gasping)

(playful dramatic music)

(door squeaks)

(crying)

(toilet flushes)

Hey, lunch lady, (chuckles)

that is the ugliest shirt I've ever seen.

(sobbing) Is that your dad, lunch lady?

- It's Johnny Depp and he's hiring us

to be his personal chefs. (sobbing)

- Uh huh, congrats, but seriously,

do you guys masturbate to him?

Everybody wants to know.

Don't

push

me.

(stressful breathing)

Oh fuck.

(Red crying)

Now I know why your food always tastes like shit,

it's got lunch lady Johnny giz all over it.

(screaming) (dramatic music)

(grunting) (dramatic music)

(exhales) Goddam kids.

(grunting) (dramatic music)

(labored breathing) (playful music)

- I uh, (labored breathing) I did something.

Bad. (labored breathing)

(emotional muttering)

Think about it.

Do you think Johnny's gonna want us to be his personal chefs

when he finds out about this?

- I'm sorry. - Oh.

(crying) (muttering)

(gasping) Hey, look.

- [Man] Have a good high potential, ladies.

Yes, Principal Grossfetig.

(cart rumbling)

(blowing nose)

Sh, shut up and let me think.

- (panicked muttering) We're going to the pokey

and we'll never meet the Depper.

Wait a minute.

Wait

a

minute.

W-W-J-D.

- [Together] What would Johnny do?

(gasps)

(slow dramatic music)

(buzzing saw) (rattling)

(sighs)

- A lot more blood than a raccoon.

(slow dramatic music)

(camera clicks)

(slow dramatic music) (blood dripping)

(rumbling wheels) (squeaking)

(labored breathing)

(slow orchestral music)

(humming machine)

(crank rattles)

(machine chugging) (buzzing)

♪ I hear you, Johnny Depp ♪

(bubbling liquid) (gentle slow music)

(cheerful slow music)

(ticking clock) (cheerful slow music)

(twinkling music)

- [Principal] Good morning, Melvin High ferrets.

Seniors, graduation gowns are in

so please visit the Jostens rep in room 107

and remember, cash only.

Whoever stole that rug that was

in front of Miss Christman's desk, please return it.

It really tied the room together.

And lastly, for lunch today, it's surprise Friday.

(students groaning)

- I don't know, maybe we shoulda tasted it first.

- I mean, what if-- - What,

you're driving me crazy.

(sighs) (bell rings)

(gentle slow music)

Those flowers and fruit,

get right in the far, distant plains

where were afar, the sun beams shoot,

where a more bunctious nature reigns.

Her, (sniffing)

(sighs)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(bell ringing)

(students clamoring) (yelling)

(door rattling)

- Well, whatever happens, we stick together, right?

- [Together] Sisters forever, Johnny forever, wah, wah.

(door rattling)

(collective sigh) (slow happy music)

- Those are the most beautiful pies I have ever seen.

(whistle shrieking)

Order, order, form a line!

(whistle shrieking)

(energetic cheerful music)

(ringing music)

(gentle cheerful music)

[Student] Mm.

[Girl] That's mine.

(people chomping) (cheerful music)

(chattering happily)

Ladies.

(slow playful music)

Today, you not only met Melvin High potential,

you exceeded it. (chuckles)

I don't know what you lunch ladies did differently today,

but keep it up.

[Together] Yes, sir.

(gentle slow music)

(slow dramatic music)

(energetic rock music)

♪ You can bury my money, but not my soul ♪

♪ Maybe I'll die and never get old ♪

♪ Burning in hell and I dream where I live ♪

♪ I win a lot of prize with a lot to give ♪

♪ I free my heart on a highway's end ♪

♪ I roll like the stone and I move like the wind ♪

♪ I travel with the sun until the days is end ♪

♪ I can drive without a motor, how you know I've been ♪

(energetic rock music)

♪ Live another day, I feel a little older ♪

♪ And times are goin' by, throw one over your shoulder ♪

♪ You gotta make time for what you gotta do ♪

♪ Before it all blows down and gets away from you ♪

(energetic rock music)

♪ Take them by surprise ♪

(loud music muffling lyrics)

♪ She's a queen of my (music fades) ♪

(gentle suspenseful music)

(dog barking)

(tree rustling)

(dog whining)

(dog barking)

- Iggy, what are you doing out here?

Iggy.

Where have you been?

What happened, what happened to your foot?

What happened?

Come on, come on, buddy, let's go get cleaned up, huh baby?

You get in there.

What do you think you're doing, Mr. Man?

(door thumps)

(loud dramatic music)

Iggy, what happened, huh?

You out fighting, fighting over a girl, huh?

You tell me who it is, I'll get 'em.

Such a good boy, so brave.

So brave.

Oh, sweetie pie.

Aw, Iggy.

Mm.

Today we got the rosemary chicken.

Tomorrow, the classic.

And the next day, the barbecue for some variety.

And maybe a bag of vegetables.

And for you, diet kibble.

(dog grunts)

No, no, no, no.

Not for you.

What did the vet say, hm?

(dog panting)

The vet said that you are a little pig

and you have to eat little diet meals.

Little Jenny Craig for dogs.

Mama is going out on the town.

I'm gonna hoist these girls up.

(dog whines) I know, you're adorable,

but look at the hair on the bed.

I'm going out tonight and we're getting a new daddy

and we cannot have hair on the bed, okay?

No more on the bed.

Thank you, puddin' pie.

Good night.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

(chuckles) sweet dreams. (doorbell rings)

(dog panting)

(dog whining)

(dog howling)

(dog panting)

(dog howling) (slow eerie music)

(slow gentle music)

(sniffing)

(squishy chewing)

(thumps onto bed)

(distant dog barking)

(cheerful gentle music)

(door rattles) (bell rings)

(distant dog barking)

(energetic cheerful music) (dogs barking)

(dog howling)

- No, no, thank you for the ride.

Fine, I gave you the opportunity, you don't want me,

that's fine, I don't want you either, Russel.

Go drive away in your Ford Expedition

or whatever the hell you drive.

I am not rating you well on Uber, on Yelp, I don't care.

Oh my God, did I leave this thing open?

What the hell?

(door thumps shut)

(switch clicks)

Oh. (soft gentle music)

Why, hello. (gasps)

Where have you been all my life?

(playful slow music)

My engine's ready, my sweet.

Here we go, for you, for me.

Sit.

Here's um, to us.

(glasses clink)

(laughing)

Mm, mm mm mm, mm mm mm mm,

keep it going, keep it going, keep it,

oh my God, it is time.

Let's keep it going, huh?

(bed rattling) (groaning)

(growling)

(gently snoring)

(chuckling)

(sleepy breathing)

Hey.

What are you doing in mama's bed, huh?

Hm?

You bad boy.

Come on, out, out, come on, out.

Oh, God.

Are you kidding me?

(gentle dramatic music)

(gentle cheerful music)

(slow dramatic music)

(screaming) (labored breathing)

(inhales)

Shut up, nope.

- But--

What do you want me to do?

- (labored breathing) It's happening.

We chant then.

(chanting in a foreign language)

(loud rumbling)

- Hey guys--

- Shit. - Sorry.

(door rattling) (squeaking)

Sorry guys, sorry.

Sorry, my.

(candle thumps)

Goddammit.

(exhales) Okay, yeah,

I told 'em I had to be out by like 2:00

and they said as long as I had all the Hitachi's unloaded

and I was like, "Shit, I'll be out of there early,

"that's no problem."

But they were the 60 inchers,

which aren't like heavy, but they're awkward.

- Oh my God, just give me the fucking book.

Oh, right, sorry.

Oh uh yeah, the guy told me to--

- To shut up, did he tell you to shut up?

Uh, okay, sorry.

(muttering quietly)

Here it is.

(robe rustling)

God dammit.

(muttering quietly)

Hey Jan.

(chanting in a foreign language)

(singing nonsensical lyrics)

Goddammit.

(speaking in foreign language)

(woman groaning)

I call ye forth, Lucifer,

arch fiend of the beastly netherworld.

Beholden to the power of my satanic name, Marduk.

I call ye forth, Mephostaphalise, Prince of perdition,

compelled by the force of my dark name, Zahguhrim!

- I call ye forth, Diabolis, our fallen angel of pain,

obligated by the doom of my true name, Aranunna!

(screaming)

- I call ye forth the devil with my name...

Greg

- Oh come on. (labored breathing)

- I didn't know we were doing names.

(chanting in a foreign language)

(screaming) (chanting)

Oh uh Steve?

(chanting)

Steve.

Steve.

- Get ready, at last, our dark master is coming.

(labored breathing) (screaming)

- Marduk, whatever, I really, really think--

(screaming)

(muttering) (screaming)

I think that--

(chanting in a foreign language)

He's here to destroy it all.

Destroy it all!

It is the great reckoning.

With the power of this book of darkness, we summon thee!

(screaming)

- Oh geez. (screaming)

(gentle dramatic music)

(blood splats)

(gentle inspirational music)

(bell rings)

ps)

Jesus Chri...

♪ God be with you 'til we meet again ♪

♪ By his council's guide uphold you ♪

♪ With his sheep securely fold you ♪

♪ God be with you 'til we meet again ♪

♪ 'Til we meet, 'til we meet, 'til we meet again ♪

♪ 'Til we meet at Jesus' feet ♪

♪ 'Til we meet, 'til we meet, 'til we meet again ♪

♪ God be with you 'til we meet again ♪