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1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:04,628
♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,673
♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪
3
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,975
♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,060 --> 00:00:21,270
♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,896
♪ all the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,982 --> 00:00:24,106
♪ laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:30,154
♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:37,286
There you are, peter.
11
00:00:37,413 --> 00:00:39,121
Help me hang the stockings.
12
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,707
Not now, lois. It's time
for my favorite holiday movie,
13
00:00:41,751 --> 00:00:43,042
Frosty the snowman,
14
00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:45,419
Where a hero takes a little girl
into the woods
15
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:49,006
And then brags that he
can disappear whenever he wants.
16
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,552
Huh. I can't see the tv.
17
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:54,887
I must be dreaming.
18
00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:56,764
Which means nothing's real!
19
00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:58,891
-[grunting]
-[gasps, groaning]
20
00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:01,268
No, peter, stop!
You're not dreaming!
21
00:01:01,353 --> 00:01:03,395
Yeah, and why was that
your first move?
22
00:01:03,481 --> 00:01:05,647
The tv's gone.
We're cutting the cord.
23
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:08,150
We need money for
christmas gifts, so I sold it.
24
00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:12,279
What?! This rageful anger
calls for alcohol!
25
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:13,322
[gulping]
26
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,281
Where's brian?
27
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,324
Peter, stop it.
28
00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:17,076
What am I supposed to do
without a tv?
29
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:18,535
Hang out at the gap?
30
00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:20,996
Could you please point me
to your blandest shirt?
31
00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:23,624
One that I'm guaranteed
to see four other guys wearing
32
00:01:23,709 --> 00:01:24,958
Before I even get to my car.
33
00:01:25,127 --> 00:01:26,502
Sure, it's right over there.
34
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:27,795
Just be careful
while you're browsing
35
00:01:27,922 --> 00:01:30,631
That you don't lose track
of which white guy is you.
36
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,258
Oh, that looks good on me.
37
00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:35,010
[announcer]
the gap, the only clothing store
38
00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,011
Named for a taint.
39
00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:37,221
Located between vera wang
40
00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:39,098
And the rocky mountain
chocolate factory.
41
00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:41,141
Look, I know
this seems like a big change,
42
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,227
But we don't need
a television anymore.
43
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:46,021
Yeah, dad.
A single tv console is outdated.
44
00:01:46,065 --> 00:01:48,565
Everyone just streams now
on their individual devices.
45
00:01:48,692 --> 00:01:52,236
Who is this person who speaks
to me as if I needed his advice?
46
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:55,322
Dad, I'm just trying to bring
you into the modern era.
47
00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:56,990
I see.
48
00:01:58,911 --> 00:01:59,993
[screaming]
49
00:02:00,121 --> 00:02:01,537
-[splat]
-[man] quiet up there!
50
00:02:01,664 --> 00:02:03,914
Sorry! Just demonstrating
I'm still relevant
51
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:05,999
By making
a very old movie reference!
52
00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:07,626
Peter, meg was right.
53
00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:10,712
We don't need a tv
in the golden age of streaming.
54
00:02:10,798 --> 00:02:12,089
"golden age of streaming"?
55
00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,841
Look, my streams are sporadic
at best.
56
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,342
And last week, there was blood.
57
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:19,012
Can we have one holiday where
we don't discuss dad's rod?
58
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,265
Besides, all my shows
are on network television.
59
00:02:21,392 --> 00:02:23,642
How the hell am I supposed
to watch chicago fire
60
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,269
-Without a tv?
-Who cares?
61
00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:27,104
It's a lazy, formulaic show.
62
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,106
And it's not even filmed
in chicago.
63
00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:30,607
Yeah, right.
Tell that to the boys
64
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:31,984
Putting out a blaze this week
65
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,569
In the famed chicago hills.
66
00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:36,029
It almost burned down
the chicagowood sign!
67
00:02:36,115 --> 00:02:37,197
Peter, stop it.
68
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:38,866
God, you're going in circles,
69
00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,576
Like a desert vulture.
70
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,661
Hey, maybe we shouldn't
always fly in a circle.
71
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:45,706
Sure. And maybe I can also have
rough sex with your mother.
72
00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:47,124
Whoa! Come on.
73
00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:49,751
Well, that's how I feel
about your idea.
74
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:55,507
[announcer] we now return
to frosty the snowman.
75
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:58,844
There was indeed some magic
in that old silk hat,
76
00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,096
Along with duct tape, zip ties
77
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:03,015
And some very troubling
polaroids.
78
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,892
See? This is the kind
of wholesome stuff
79
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,185
I'll miss without a tv.
80
00:03:06,312 --> 00:03:09,146
Lois is right, peter.
Network television stinks.
81
00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:10,856
Streaming is
way more entertaining.
82
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,108
Yeah? Name one good show
on "streaming."
83
00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:14,234
Mare of easttown!
84
00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:15,861
-Fargo!
-True detective.
85
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,779
-American rust!
-Broadchurch.
86
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:20,324
That isn't about a person
attempting to navigate life
87
00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,826
In a small town
in the aftermath of a murder.
88
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:26,205
Look, come on, just-just give
streaming a chance.
89
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,664
Don't you want
to watch something where,
90
00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:30,709
If you miss even a second,
you're hopelessly confused?
91
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:33,036
Yeah! Or a great premise,
92
00:03:33,088 --> 00:03:34,922
Which puts a lot of balls
in the air,
93
00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,123
Followed by
a horribly disappointing ending
94
00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:38,342
That drops all of them?
95
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:39,509
And on hbo max,
96
00:03:39,595 --> 00:03:40,886
Sometimes after the credits,
97
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,888
You can watch
the actors talk about the show.
98
00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:46,266
Yeah, I don't just want to see
connie britton do a good job.
99
00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:48,018
I want to see
connie britton talking
100
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:49,937
About the good job she just did.
101
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:51,438
You know
what I'm not hearing, guys?
102
00:03:51,523 --> 00:03:53,690
Cedric the entertainer
telling a white guy
103
00:03:53,817 --> 00:03:55,150
That he doesn't walk
the right way.
104
00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:58,779
Hmm. I may have to side
with peter now.
105
00:03:58,864 --> 00:03:59,863
And you also haven't told me
106
00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:01,406
About a single show
with sheldon.
107
00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:03,367
For every program,
I want to know,
108
00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:04,534
Is there a sheldon
109
00:04:04,662 --> 00:04:06,119
And at what stage of life is he?
110
00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:09,039
He is the perfect dumb guy's
version of a smart guy.
111
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,999
And I demand him
on my television!
112
00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:14,544
All right. I think I see
how to untangle this knot.
113
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:16,380
Last tango in halifax.
114
00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:18,298
-What?
-You've never heard of tango?
115
00:04:18,384 --> 00:04:21,718
Well, anne reid and derek jacobi
play celia and alan,
116
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:26,056
A couple reunited in their 70s
after 60 years apart.
117
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:29,101
Sarah lancashire plays
celia's formidable daughter,
118
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,102
Caroline. And n--
119
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:31,895
-[screams]
-[splat]
120
00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:35,983
Look, guys, I j-- I don't like
gritty, convoluted television.
121
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:39,528
I like the simple,
comforting joy of network tv.
122
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,989
Peter, the point of tv
isn't joy anymore.
123
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:43,991
It's to destroy you emotionally.
124
00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:45,659
Who the hell wants
to watch something happy
125
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:47,911
When you can watch
koreans fight to the death?
126
00:04:47,997 --> 00:04:50,956
Well, I disagree. And I'm not
letting lois get away with this.
127
00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:52,332
'cause I miss my shows.
128
00:04:52,418 --> 00:04:54,001
Like the comedy of black-ish
129
00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:56,169
Or those classic
new york conversations
130
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,671
At the beginning of law & order.
131
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,257
Hey, you see that aaron judge
baseball hit last night?
132
00:05:00,384 --> 00:05:03,385
Sure did. Right here
in one of our five boroughs.
133
00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,678
Oh, no!
134
00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:08,223
I bet you a slice
of new york pizza pie he's dead!
135
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,522
I can't believe you buy
milk and bras at the same place.
136
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:16,857
God, we're trash.
137
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,400
What? Where's the fridge?
138
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,819
I sold it. You get rid
of the things I love,
139
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,404
I get rid
of the things you love.
140
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,490
I also sold that tiny jewish hat
you keep in the bathroom.
141
00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,117
That was my diaphragm.
142
00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,870
Ah. Well, mort's gonna have
a rough day at temple.
143
00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:31,913
Look, just give streaming
a shot.
144
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,290
After all, it can't be any worse
145
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,375
Than when we went
to the florida panhandle.
146
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:39,379
Mmm. Ah, this shrimp
is delicious. [chuckles]
147
00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:41,048
[gasps, choking]
148
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,674
Oh, god, my wife's choking!
149
00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,593
Is there a doctor in the house?!
150
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,511
College graduate?
151
00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:48,055
High school graduate?
152
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,849
Some high school
with vocational degree?
153
00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:54,603
Whoever gets the shrimp out
of her windpipe can have it!
154
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,605
[screaming, shouting]
155
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:03,320
Well, I guess it's time
to try this streaming thing.
156
00:06:03,447 --> 00:06:05,113
Hey, what's
our netflix password?
157
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,324
Uh, I don't know.
I use quagmire's.
158
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,409
Squirrel hunter?
159
00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:12,162
The truth about kicking
your leg during sleep?
160
00:06:12,289 --> 00:06:15,040
Only the otis scenes
of milo and otis?
161
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:17,751
And thirsty romanian coeds.
All right!
162
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:18,960
We do have some overlap.
163
00:06:19,088 --> 00:06:22,255
Okay, I guess
I'll click "forgot password."
164
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:25,083
Now it's asking me to pick
all the stoplights in a picture.
165
00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,302
Huh. A stoplight
in front of a movie theater
166
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:29,679
With a marquee
reading spotlight.
167
00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,098
This might be a trick.
168
00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:34,309
All right, "what is
the first concert you attended?"
169
00:06:34,395 --> 00:06:37,604
"smash mouth, the time
they got bread thrown at them."
170
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,272
"favorite pet?"
171
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,775
Wait, you're not gonna write
"bartholomew," are you?
172
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,110
No, no, no.
I would never do that.
173
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:45,237
♪ bartholomew, bartholomew ♪
174
00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:48,573
♪ I'm dancing with
my favorite dog, bartholomew! ♪
175
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,200
[knocking]
176
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,244
Kevin james?!
177
00:06:52,371 --> 00:06:54,955
Hi, peter. You were
my last viewer. [chuckles]
178
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,082
And now that you've gotten rid
of network tv,
179
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:58,333
I'm out of a job.
180
00:06:58,460 --> 00:07:00,001
Well, you're a sitcom dad,
181
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,546
So if the couch accepts you,
you can come in.
182
00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:06,591
[screams]
183
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:08,927
[giggles]
road couch.
184
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,851
Wow! Kevin james!
185
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,060
I can't believe you're here!
186
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,603
Hey, guys, we got company!
187
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,980
No nude wandering!
188
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:22,899
Well, so much
for full frontal fridays.
189
00:07:22,985 --> 00:07:25,110
Wait, triple "f" is a no-go?
190
00:07:25,237 --> 00:07:27,654
Look, I'm here
because now that I don't have
191
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:29,606
Any viewers or a job,
192
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,533
I need you to take care of me.
193
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:32,701
What, is that some kind of rule?
194
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:34,035
Of course it is, lois.
195
00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:36,580
In network tv, if someone
shows up at your door,
196
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,747
You have to take care of 'em.
197
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,124
It's the pilot of most shows.
198
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,126
Oh, really? Name 50.
199
00:07:41,211 --> 00:07:42,961
New girl, two and a half men,
200
00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:44,838
Punky brewster,
perfect strangers,
201
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,131
Frasier, will & grace,
202
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,175
Friends, joey, home economics,
203
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,135
Mom, dads, cheers,
204
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:51,845
Hope & faith, raising hope,
205
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,221
Full house, fuller house,
206
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,890
-King of queens--
-that's good.
207
00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,183
-I-I think we get it.
-Oh, no, no.
208
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:58,560
No, this is
a "name all 50" kind of show.
209
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,687
Too close for comfort,
mork & mindy,
210
00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,397
The nanny, mr. Belvedere,
211
00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,483
The united states of al,
yes, dear,
212
00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:07,027
Down and out in beverly hills,
the tv series,
213
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:08,570
Rhoda, golden girls,
214
00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,780
Alf, meego, empty nest,
215
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,115
Wings, my two dads,
216
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,117
Evening shade,
I dream of jeannie,
217
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:15,827
Off centre, webster,
218
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,205
The bernie mac show,
the return of jezebel james,
219
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,624
Aliens in america,
last man on earth,
220
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,167
Union square, bram & alice,
221
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,169
The grinder, bleep my dad says,
222
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,712
The fresh prince of bel-air,
223
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,130
Damon, happy endings,
224
00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:28,965
Big brother jake,
three's company,
225
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,884
Mama's family
and who's the boss?
226
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,303
Oh, yeah? Name 50 more.
227
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:34,721
[sighs heavily]
228
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,556
Silver spoons, the odd couple,
229
00:08:36,642 --> 00:08:37,807
The new odd couple...
230
00:08:37,893 --> 00:08:39,100
-Diff'rent strokes and--
-[creaking]
231
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:41,686
Oh, my god! She hung herself!
232
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:42,938
Nah, nah, that's from airplane.
233
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,481
We do that kind of stuff, too.
234
00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:46,024
You can stay.
235
00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:51,521
Family, meet kevin.
236
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:52,906
Wow!
237
00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,367
I guess black dress shirts
aren't just for magicians.
238
00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:58,828
[quietly] peter, you can't
just invite him to stay here.
239
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:00,830
Come on, lois.
When you got rid of the tv,
240
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,207
Did you really think
it wouldn't end
241
00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,042
With me bunking
with kevin james?
242
00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:06,878
So, kevin,
what's mandy patinkin like?
243
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:08,797
Uh, I don't know. Never met him.
244
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,383
I thought you said
this guy was a [bleep] star.
245
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,218
Hey, brian, when are you going
to try to impress
246
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,679
Our hollywood guest
with your writerly chops?
247
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:18,473
Uh, your mouth's moving!
You're already rehearsing it.
248
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:21,476
So, kevin, the hollywood game
can be pretty tough, huh?
249
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,687
Do you have
hollywood experience?
250
00:09:23,814 --> 00:09:25,689
[chuckling]
well, actually--
251
00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:27,482
He sure does!
We went out there once,
252
00:09:27,568 --> 00:09:29,442
And on day one,
brian bit a culkin.
253
00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:31,528
Tried to pet him
without showing his hand first
254
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:32,904
And, boom, fingers gone.
255
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,114
I need to see the hand!
256
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,574
It's how I know
he's not an aggressor.
257
00:09:35,659 --> 00:09:37,158
Kevin, I don't understand.
258
00:09:37,286 --> 00:09:38,660
How can you be out of work?
259
00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,412
You're not just
a television actor--
260
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:41,871
You're a movie star!
261
00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,999
Movie star?
[chuckles] come on.
262
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,835
I mean, I guess
paul blart did make 200 million
263
00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,336
On a shoestring budget,
264
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,755
I was the single most bankable
comedy actor
265
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,382
Of the last two decades
266
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:55,635
And the audience score on
grown ups was very respectable.
267
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:58,513
Eh, the last one doesn't seem to
measure up with the first two.
268
00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:02,434
But everything I had was because
people knew me from network tv.
269
00:10:02,561 --> 00:10:03,935
And now that's over.
270
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,187
So, peter, what are we gonna do
after dinner?
271
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,814
Get a large bowl of popcorn
272
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,817
And watch the big game
in our sports uniforms?
273
00:10:10,986 --> 00:10:12,235
Yeah, kevin, uh, I think
274
00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:14,863
You've only watched
sporting events on tv shows.
275
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:16,364
Nobody calls it "the big game"
276
00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,533
Or makes
a large bowl of popcorn.
277
00:10:18,619 --> 00:10:20,327
But then what's gonna fly
all over the place
278
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:22,037
-When we get excited?
-[giggles]
279
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,872
Okay. A-all right, all right,
that's fair.
280
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,041
All right, look,
kevin can stay for dinner,
281
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,208
But then he has to leave.
282
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:28,877
But he doesn't have
anywhere else to go!
283
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,462
And this whole thing
is our fault.
284
00:10:30,589 --> 00:10:32,380
Come on, look at him--
he's got no idea
285
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,633
What life outside of sitcoms
is like.
286
00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:37,636
I tell you what-- I'll show him
how to be a real real guy
287
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,638
And not just a sitcom real guy,
288
00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:41,473
And then he'll be on his way.
289
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,016
[sighs]
fine.
290
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,101
I guess I can't kick someone out
on christmas.
291
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:47,062
But where's he gonna sleep?
292
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,938
Don't worry.
I got that all figured out.
293
00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:50,940
You won't even notice
he's there.
294
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:53,318
-[snoring]
-[canned laughter]
295
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,947
In network tv,
what someone says won't happen,
296
00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,574
That's what's gonna happen.
297
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,493
[canned laughter]
298
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,084
Hey, where's kevin?
I thought we were gonna show him
299
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,210
How regular guys drink.
300
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:11,920
We are, but he's still
adjusting,
301
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:13,838
And he won't enter a room
until his warm-up guy
302
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:14,872
Works the crowd.
303
00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,841
-So, where you folks from?
-Quahog.
304
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,218
[chuckles] oh, quahog.
305
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:19,969
I'll talk a little slower.
306
00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,971
-Aw, he got me.
-I'm just kidding.
307
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:24,140
And, hey, thank you
for your service.
308
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:25,809
Oh, I was never in the military.
309
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:28,311
I was talking to the booth
holding you up.
310
00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,439
Oh, damn it, he got me again!
This guy's too quick.
311
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,483
All right, everyone, kevin's
gonna be out in a moment,
312
00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,528
So remember,
he feeds off your energy.
313
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,781
So the better you are,
the better kevin's gonna be.
314
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:42,242
Hi, guys.
Great to see you tonight.
315
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,370
Wait, he couldn't just
think of that?
316
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:48,581
And doesn't peter griffin
look handsome?
317
00:11:48,667 --> 00:11:50,417
I took the cue cards.
318
00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:52,961
I grabbed him
from behind too hard,
319
00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:54,587
And now he's not moving.
320
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,426
Hey, kevin, was that lady
always pressuring you
321
00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:00,760
To join scientology?
322
00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:03,513
No. I'm a devout catholic,
and that's even weirder.
323
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:06,141
Did you know that when
unbaptized babies die,
324
00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:08,727
They go into limbo
until the pope said
325
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,228
That wasn't a thing anymore?
326
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:13,356
Yeah, my grandpa went to hell
for eating meat on fridays.
327
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,693
Worth it.
328
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:21,239
Well, kevin,
it's time to teach you
329
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:24,659
How real blue-collar guys
pay real bills in real life.
330
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,536
See this? It's a mortgage bill.
331
00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,747
And this is how it gets paid.
332
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:30,457
Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's peter.
333
00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,917
-Please pay my mortgage.
-[carter] damn it, griffin!
334
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:35,086
I'm crying, mr. Pewterschmidt,
I'm crying.
335
00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,088
I know you're crying.
Act like a man.
336
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,549
I can't. I'm not a man.
And if you don't pay it,
337
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:42,010
I'm gonna hurt myself
and your grandchildren.
338
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,262
-Stop threatening me.
-It's not a threat if I do it.
339
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,097
It's not a threat if I do it.
340
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,141
-Okay, okay, I'll pay it.
-Thank you.
341
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:51,436
All right, now to show you
how to pay a utility bill.
342
00:12:51,521 --> 00:12:52,812
[phone ringing]
343
00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:55,106
-Hello?
-Kevin, it's peter.
344
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:57,358
I really messed up, man.
345
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:03,531
Good news.
I got my first real job
346
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,200
As an actual ups guy.
347
00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:06,993
They said I was
the last non-robot
348
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,453
They're ever gonna hire.
349
00:13:08,622 --> 00:13:09,829
That's great, buddy.
350
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,915
You narrowly escaped
becoming a realtor.
351
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,959
Hi. Are you the realtor
for this property?
352
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,045
I am. I blew out my shoulder
353
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,881
Playing minor league baseball,
so now I do this.
354
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,967
[announcer]
realtors: Never anyone's plan a.
355
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:24,594
And I also started
dating a woman
356
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:27,180
Who looks like she actually
belongs with me.
357
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,475
She has the most negative
dating app page I've ever seen.
358
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,560
"wants to know where
all the good men are.
359
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:35,772
Integrity only.
I will not cosign a loan,"
360
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,190
With the "not" underlined.
361
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,984
And a picture of her dog
that says, "the only man
362
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:42,153
Who's never lied to me."
oh, this is great.
363
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,573
Yeah, I think I'm a real
real guy now, peter.
364
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,283
You sure are. You see, kev,
365
00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:49,202
Nothing's gonna stop you
in the real world
366
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:51,955
Except for your own
cardiovascular system.
367
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,374
Hey, I'm only heavy 'cause
adam sandler made me
368
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,584
Gain 60 pounds
to be in his movies.
369
00:13:56,711 --> 00:13:58,378
I was ethel to his lucy.
370
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,714
Anyway, I owe you, peter.
Put it there.
371
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:05,844
Aah! What happened to your hand?
372
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:09,848
I-I don't know.
It-it's disappearing.
373
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:12,141
Were you also bit by brian?
374
00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:14,352
[laughs] that's the culkin.
375
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,735
Let me guess,
one of you chuckleheads
376
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,487
Has a nutcracker inside you.
377
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,322
-What? No.
-Hi.
378
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,867
We're nonjudgmental interns
just here to observe.
379
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,285
False alarm. Not what I thought.
380
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,911
[interns] aww.
381
00:14:31,997 --> 00:14:33,246
Whenever interns observe,
382
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,664
It's because we think
you put something in there.
383
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:37,542
Listen, doctor, I need you
to help my friend kevin.
384
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,460
Oh, my god, kevin james!
385
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,504
You know, you owe
your career to me.
386
00:14:41,590 --> 00:14:44,549
I'm the doctor who couldn't
save john candy.
387
00:14:44,634 --> 00:14:47,135
Doctor, my hand,
it's disappearing,
388
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,053
And I don't know what to do.
389
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:52,307
Kevin, your arm.
It's getting worse.
390
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,101
Hmm. I think I see
what's going on here.
391
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:56,477
Kevin is fading away
392
00:14:56,605 --> 00:14:58,688
Because streaming has
made him irrelevant.
393
00:14:58,857 --> 00:15:00,398
Is there anything
we can do for him?
394
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:03,359
Yes. Sitcom stars like kevin
clearly need the laughs
395
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:05,987
Of a studio audience,
or he may disappear forever.
396
00:15:06,031 --> 00:15:07,989
His hair was disappearing, too,
397
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:10,116
But I assume he took care
of that another way.
398
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,868
Is there someone I can talk to?
399
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,579
Ah, there's our guy. Interns!
400
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,834
Guys, we gotta get kevin
back on tv.
401
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,169
So ideas. Go.
402
00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,004
Kevin plays a large robot,
403
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,131
And it's called big wonder.
404
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,258
[laughs] not bad, not bad.
Okay, what else?
405
00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,678
A show in which kevin moves in
with a woman named betsy,
406
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:34,098
And it's called kevins to betsy.
407
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:36,809
Or he's the seventh
in a long line of kevins,
408
00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:37,977
For seventh kevin.
409
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,354
Yeah, they don't all
have to be puns
410
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,730
Built around the name kevin.
411
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,816
Guys, I think we were all
laughing at big wonder.
412
00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,068
We're not doing big wonder.
413
00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:47,111
Why? Because you didn't
think of it?
414
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:50,156
Chris, the brainstorming process
is admittedly messy,
415
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,075
But let's try to stay away
from personal attacks.
416
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,578
I have an idea. I'm a stepdad
with six daughters,
417
00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:58,373
And it's called daddy's girls.
418
00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,999
I don't know.
Not sure I see the hook.
419
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:03,127
And I trick them into
washing my car in their bikinis
420
00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,088
While I hide in the backseat.
421
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:06,381
Okay, now I love it.
422
00:16:06,424 --> 00:16:08,466
It's not just funny, it's smart.
423
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:09,926
You know, I'm on godaddy,
424
00:16:10,095 --> 00:16:12,804
And the domain name "big wonder"
is available.
425
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,181
-Chris, stop pushing this.
-Oh, really?
426
00:16:15,266 --> 00:16:18,017
'cause if kevin pitched it,
you'd put your mouth on him.
427
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,645
All right, that's it.
You're grounded for life.
428
00:16:20,772 --> 00:16:23,147
Which was also a fat dad sitcom.
429
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:25,316
[laughs]
okay, all right, we've made up.
430
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,735
I've got an idea.
Kevin is a baker,
431
00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,195
And he adopts 12 children.
432
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,697
The title writes itself.
433
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:33,533
Yeah, and the tagline is
"he's got muffin to lose."
434
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,827
Okay, wow, all right,
this is too good for kevin.
435
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,412
We have to write this now.
436
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:40,415
You know why he's a baker?
Because he kneads the dough.
437
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,127
[laughs] I love this poster.
I mean show.
438
00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:47,338
Peter, my arm is
almost gone now.
439
00:16:47,424 --> 00:16:48,923
Oh, god, what are we gonna do?
440
00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,466
Okay, come on, everyone.
441
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:52,969
It's time to go to city hall
for the tree lighting.
442
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,972
And meg's in the nativity play
as the virgin mary.
443
00:16:56,057 --> 00:16:58,349
Wait a minute.
The nativity play.
444
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:01,853
Kevin, I got an idea,
and it's my best idea
445
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:03,855
Since I put hockey ice
in the kitchen.
446
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:06,232
-[timer dings]
-yay, waffles.
447
00:17:07,652 --> 00:17:10,194
Mine. Hockey house.
448
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:15,950
Everyone, change of plans.
449
00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:17,243
This year we're gonna do a twist
450
00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:19,245
On the usual story
of the king of kings,
451
00:17:19,405 --> 00:17:22,582
With the "king of queens,"
kevin james.
452
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,920
Peter, this isn't gonna work.
453
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,338
Sure it will. The doctor said
454
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,132
You need live audience laughter.
455
00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,926
The conceit is he's
a single dad with a baby.
456
00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:36,345
[laughs] the conception
may be immaculate,
457
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,056
But the diaper sure isn't.
458
00:17:38,141 --> 00:17:40,475
-[booing]
-get off the stage.
459
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,310
Network tv is stupid.
460
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,812
Why does jerry stiller have
such a big chest?
461
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,023
Peter, my leg.
462
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:51,027
Come on, guys,
network tv isn't stupid.
463
00:17:51,112 --> 00:17:54,238
It-it's... It's like the bible.
464
00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:55,740
Sure, the plot doesn't
make sense
465
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:56,949
If you think about it.
466
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,409
The characters are a little
over the top.
467
00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:01,287
Both tell the same tired stories
again and again.
468
00:18:01,372 --> 00:18:03,247
No one ever seems
to learn their lesson.
469
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:04,207
And neither ever offers
470
00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:05,958
An authentic female
point of view.
471
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,668
Oh, if I can add to that--
472
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,253
Not now, lois, I'm talking.
473
00:18:09,339 --> 00:18:12,256
But the point is, network tv...
It makes you feel good.
474
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:15,218
And when the rest of life
is so exhausting and hard,
475
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,845
Isn't that all that's important?
476
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,430
Peter, my other leg!
477
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,433
[soft laughter]
478
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:25,520
Yes. Kevin, keep going.
479
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,313
That went well.
480
00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:29,148
[laughter]
481
00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:31,150
Well, there's the star
of bethlehem,
482
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,570
Which is one more star than
I'm giving this inn on yelp.
483
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:35,947
[loud laughter]
484
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:37,323
Oh, that's so funny.
485
00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:38,116
I use yelp.
486
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:39,784
Do you think ben stiller's chest
487
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:40,952
Will pop out like his dad's?
488
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,703
I just want to know
what to expect.
489
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:44,247
See, isn't this fun?
490
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,958
Everyone laughing together
at the same simple thing,
491
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,127
Instead of all of us
on our individual devices
492
00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:51,546
Watching depressing,
complicated bull crap?
493
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:55,424
We need kevin james,
and we need network tv.
494
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,593
♪ joy to the world ♪
495
00:18:57,720 --> 00:19:00,096
♪ the lord is come ♪
496
00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:04,725
♪ let earth receive
her king... ♪
497
00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:07,562
Peter, my limbs.
They're coming back.
498
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,064
And that's not all. Look!
499
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:14,485
It's old sitcom stars.
500
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,070
They're coming out
of the cornfield.
501
00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:18,322
It's jenna elfman.
502
00:19:18,449 --> 00:19:19,949
Tony danza.
503
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,242
And, uh...
504
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,995
Traylor howard,
from two guys and a girl.
505
00:19:24,122 --> 00:19:25,037
Yeah, you're not a star.
506
00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:26,289
You shouldn't be
in the cornfield.
507
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:29,250
But I was also in
the later seasons of monk.
508
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,501
I see.
509
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:32,461
-[screaming]
-[splat]
510
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:35,173
Now your list of credits
includes castle.
511
00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:37,216
Hi, I'm les moonves chen.
512
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:39,552
And I'm hiding behind
my wife's name now.
513
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,096
Kevin, I'm looking for
my own television comeback,
514
00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:45,349
And enough power that I can
sexually harass doctors again.
515
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:47,977
-And I'm anyone else.
-I'll go with you.
516
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:50,971
And to think I was
about to kiss you.
517
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:53,399
Kevin, let's go make a sitcom.
518
00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:54,942
I can't believe it.
519
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,986
I'm gonna be on tv again.
520
00:19:57,113 --> 00:20:00,031
I'm going back to hollywood.
521
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:02,408
[all gasp]
522
00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,706
[gasps]
he's a christmas miracle.
523
00:20:08,791 --> 00:20:10,958
Can I please have
my tv back now?
524
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,585
Yes, peter, you can.
525
00:20:12,712 --> 00:20:14,503
Yay! Kiss me, lois.
526
00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:16,589
And think about our marriage
while we're kissing.
527
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,632
Mm...
528
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,092
♪ oh, barkley, my barkley ♪
529
00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,220
♪ the other dog we had. ♪
530
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,602
And that's baker's dozen.
531
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,646
We're hoping you say yes.
532
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,272
Or just roll with it.
533
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:34,315
[laughter]
534
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,691
Great pitch, guys.
535
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:38,319
This is exactly the kind of
tagline-driven comedy
536
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,071
-We're looking for.
-Really?
537
00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:42,448
The only problem is
we've already committed
538
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:43,908
To another project:
539
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,369
-Big wonder.
-Thank you, gentlemen.
540
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:49,080
-What?!
-He owns the rights
to the domain name.
541
00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:50,706
That's a big deal in our world.
542
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:51,999
Fine. We don't need you.
543
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:54,752
We'll take this down the hall
to scott rudin.
544
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:56,671
[loud crash]
545
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,214
He threw a computer at me.
546
00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:00,549
He didn't even ask who I was.
38707
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