All language subtitles for Doctor.Who.2005.S14E00.The.Giggle.DSNP.WEB.H264-EDITH.en[cc]

[people chattering]

Ah... [speaking German]
Kommen into the warm.

It is "ge-raining". Is it not?
All of the water all splishy-splashy.

Now, what can I helpen Sie mit?

Behold, we have everything,
everything you could be "ge-wanting".

We have dolls.
Such beautiful, pink-face Dollen, ja.

We have the compendium of games.

Mit die dice und the snaken und ladders
und the rules.

They are very, very important,
these rules. Don't you think?

Also, we have die teddy bears
und die hobby Horsen.

Who does not want a hobby Horsen
to go clippety-clop down the Straße, ja?

No.

I just want this really.

Ah, Stooky Bill, Meine Favoriten.

But you will leave the family all alone.

Poor Stooky Sue
and the poor Stooky babbies.

You would leave them without papa.

The widow and the orphans
will be "ge-crying".

Um. No. Just... Just him. Thank you.

- Is that real hair?
- [speaking German]

I was "ge-sticking" on the hair mein self.

I cut it off the head of a beautiful lady.

She will not miss it.

But then,
she will never miss anything ever again.

[laughs]

Uh, and-and how much is that?

Sixpence.

I really must apologise for the rain.
You must be used to sunnier climes.

[register dings]

I was born in Cheltenham.

Your accent seems to have slipped.

I hope the kiddies enjoy him.

[clock cuckoos]

It's not for children.
It's for my employer.

You may have heard of him.
He only lives around the corner.

Mr John Logie Baird.

Oh, the inventor man. [speaking German]

What is he being inventing now?

Well, it's complicated.

It's a new thing called television.

Well, what a game we are playing.

What a wonderful, wonderful game.

- [door opens]
- [bell jingles]

[laughs]

Poor wee Stooky. That's a Scottish word.

Do you know what stooky means?

It comes from stucco, as in plaster.

But it's come to mean stupid and slow,
like Billy boy's an idiot.

But he can't be that daft.
He's about to make history.

Ready now?

I think so.

May God go with us.

- I did it, Charlie. I did it!
- [laughs]

[Baird] The very first television picture!

How hot is it in there?
We're not gonna catch fire, are we?

That's why we need Stooky Bill.

No man could sit
underneath that temperature.

Problem is, could be a photograph.

If I am to prove television works,
I'll need a moving image.

- [snaps]
- [gasps]

[laughing]

- I got quite shocked.
- Me too.

Imagine if he could talk.

[voice giggling]

That wee chap's about to change the world.

- Imagine what he would say.
- [voice giggling]

[theme song playing]

[people shouting]

[horns honking]

[pedestrian] The end is nigh!

[horns honking continues]

[tyres screeching]

[shouting continues]

[engine revs]

[gasps]

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Excuse me.
Can you tell me, what are you doing?

I can't drive.

Okay, so... Which means?

I pay my taxes.

- Which means I paid for this road.
- [horn honking]

It is mine,
and I will do with it what I like.

- You'll get yourself killed.
- It's my life, not yours.

But you could just stand over there
and be safe.

Blame them.

- [horn honking]
- Because it all changed two days ago.

Everyone started thinking they're right,
all the time.

And they won't change their mind.

If you try to argue, they go mad.

Well, not me. I've always been right.

- [horn honks]
- [tyres screech]

Oh. [speaking French]

But perhaps you will dance avec moi.

Ooh la la.

[Doctor] Yeah. Sorry. Thanks.

[people screaming]

[helicopter whirring]

[soldier] Attention, the Doctor!
Attention, the Doctor!

Stay where you are.

You are under UNIT control.
Repeat, UNIT control.

Go, go, go! Let's move!

Eyes on, eyes on!

I got them!

[soldier 2] Quick! Faster!

Doctor,
I'm Colonel Ibrahim of UNIT Squad Five.

If you could come with us.

Get him to safety. All right?
Never mind about us.

I want my grandad safe.

- All right? You got that?
- Yes, ma'am. We'll keep your family safe.

[Wilf] You go with the Doctor.

[children vocalising]

Oh. Here comes trouble.

I could say the same about you.

Shirley, you can't be serious.

And Kate Lethbridge-Stewart.

I remember your father working
night and day to keep UNIT secret.

Look at you now.
Out and proud and defending the Earth.

I fought them all.

Robots and insects and yetis and clones.

But what do we do this time, Doctor?
How do we fight the human race?

[radio chatter]

- That's for you.
- Good, good, good. Now, what have we got?

Are these worldwide?
'Cause I'm gonna need all the statistics.

Oh, no way.

- Oh! That is the best news!
- [giggles]

Melanie, hello!

[radio chatter]

[Mel] We'll catch up later.
We haven't got time.

I used to be like you.
I was one of his companions.

- I wasn't the first redhead?
- No. That was me.

Although, don't say companion.

That sounds like we park him
on the seafront at Weston-super-Mare.

[chuckles]

Is "park" rude?

- Borderline.
- [winces]

And stations. Gold Protocols.
The Doctor's in the room. Report.

Two days ago,
an increase in violence worldwide.

The same increase in every country
and all rising at exactly the same rate.

Basically, every single human being
thinks they're right

and won't be told otherwise.

That plane crash,
the F665, Boston to Heathrow.

The pilot declared
his right to land wherever he wants.

I'm coming home. [laughs]

- Look out, London. Daddy's coming home!
- [alarm beeping]

[cackles]

- If everyone's going mad...
- So is the government.

[laughs]

What do I care? I mean, seriously?

Why should I care about you?

No change there then.

But you're fine. You're completely normal.
And that's because of the...

Oh, we call it the Zeedex.

An invention of the Vlinx.

Hello, the Vlinx. I'm the Doctor.

So why's it called a Zeedex?

Good name.

- [Kate] It disrupts the brain.
- Oh.

Flattens the spike. Keeps everything calm.

And the spike is?

I think I need to show you.

Activate brain scan.

Activating, ma'am.

[button beeps]

[Kate] That's my brain activity.

Seems normal, albeit slightly heightened,
given the end of the world.

Now, keep your eye on the scan.

And deactivate my Zeedex.

Kate Lethbridge-Stewart, off.

[beeps]

Well?

Um, hello?

- Hello.
- [Doctor] How are you?

Fine.

Busy day?

Why do you want to know?

I'm just asking. Is that a problem?

[Kate] It's an invasion of my privacy.

In fact,
it's an assault on my civic rights.

And I think it highly relevant

that the person demanding
information from me is an alien.

Okay.

No, no, no, no, no. I think
you'll find that I'm in charge here.

And we've been infiltrated by aliens,
by a man with two hearts,

a man who changes his face
and cannot be trusted.

And you. And her. Both with red hair.

What is this? Some sort of conspiracy?
What are you hiding?

And as for her, in that chair.

I've seen you walk.
I've seen you walking! Don't deny it!

No, you can't stop me.
It's about time you heard the truth.

[soldier] Activate Zeedex.

[Zeedex beeps]

[panting]

I'm sorry.

No, it's okay.

[gasps]

Shirley, I'm so sorry.

Absolutely no need.

It's-It's not just me.

It keeps spiking
inside every single person's head.

But wh-what's that mean?
It's being beamed in from outside?

No. It is natural.
It is generated inside the brain.

But not me. Not Grandad.

Nor me. I'm wearing a Zeedex just in case,
but I've been fine.

Well, no more opinionated than usual.

[sighs] You and me both.

Maybe long-term travel in the TARDIS
put you out of sync.

Can't you give everyone a Zeedex?

[scoffs] Imagine trying that.

They are using this to control us
and monitor us.

And microwave our brains.
I am anti-Zeedex!

Can we filter this wavelength?

- Lose the background noise?
- [Shirley] Uh-huh.

Gives us a strong coherent wave
in the seizure focus. Peaking seven times.

So this started two days ago.

But why then?
What else happened on that day?

Exactly. We've been looking for
a trigger, and there's this.

[beeping]

The KOSAT 5 satellite, launched
by South Korea, activated two days ago.

And here it is right now,
36,000 kilometres above us.

[Kate]
KOSAT is the final link in the chain.

The world is now 100% online.

From the highest mountain,
to the deepest valley on Earth,

everyone is connected.

But KOSAT is clean.
We've checked and double-checked.

It's not like the old Archangel Network.
There's nothing hiding in that signal.

And yet.

For the first time in history,
everyone has access to this.

A screen.

- [Donna] What if it's a tune?
- What?

[Donna] I know we've only got minutes
to live, but give me a second.

Because I spent six months teaching
my daughter how to play the recorder

till she said, "This is not who I am."

That was the start of a whole
other conversation, believe you me.

But if...

you look at these seven peaks, like this...

Maybe it's music.

A classic arpeggio.
Middle C, an octave higher.

[singing arpeggio]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

Oh.

[Doctor] What?

- What is it?
- Sing that again.

[singing arpeggio]
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

I know that tune.

I-I know that from somewhere.
What are the notes?

C, E, G, C, G, E, C.

It's a musical palindrome.

[gasps]
But it's just a straightforward arpeggio.

Everyone knows arpeggios.
It's a basic tune.

So, the question is,
why are we all reacting to this one?

I'm not. The Vlinx?

- Negative.
- Just the humans.

It's just... It's so familiar. It's like
it's been buried in my head for years.

[groans] What is it?

[giggling in arpeggio]

[Shirley] I found the exact same notes.

[giggling in arpeggio]

Oh, it's not a tune.

- [giggling in arpeggio]
- It's a laugh.

It's a puppet.

The giggle in everyone's head.

[giggling in arpeggio]

[Donna] What is that thing?

[Shirley] Stooky Bill, the first face
to ever appear on television.

Put there by John Logie Baird himself.

I've never seen him before, so how do...
How do I know that laugh?

If the very first image has been hiding
in every screen ever since...

sneaking into your head, carving a wave,

and waiting...

[Shirley] But hiding how?

If there were secret pictures inside
every television, we would have found it.

Oh, why? Because you're so clever?

Maybe Stooky Bill's
a lot smarter than you.

Imagine...
if he burnt himself into television itself

and every picture ever since,
every single one.

[giggling in arpeggio]

Screen after screen after screen.

- And every type of screen.
- [employee gasps]

- Every one and everywhere!
- [giggling continues]

He's inside 'em all!

And two days ago,
he finally connected worldwide,

branding his Giggle into your brains

until he had enough screens
to be complete.

- [sonic screwdriver warbles]
- [giggling continues]

Since the very first existence
of television.

Laughing at the human race.
And driving you mad.

[giggling continues]

But something on that scale,
over so many years,

who could do that?

The puppet's just a puppet.
We're looking for the puppeteer.

And I've got a memory.

I think something's coming back...

after a very long time.

But it's not only the giggle.
Don't go thinking you've got an excuse.

The human race might be clever
and bright and brilliant.

It's also savage and venal and relentless.

All the anger out there on the street.
The lies, the righteousness.

That's human. That's you.
That's who you are.

Using your intelligence to be stupid.

Poisoning the world.

And hating each other,
you've never needed any help with that!

But today, something else
is using your worst attributes.

Playing with you.

Like toys.

Can we take that satellite out?

All missiles are on lockdown,
but we've got the Galvanic Beam.

- What range?
- We can pick off a pebble on the moon.

Trouble is,
taking out a South Korean satellite

will have international consequences,

so we've been waiting for permission.

All world leaders
are being affected by the Giggle.

You have my permission.

Thank you, Doctor.

Gold Protocol override.

All staff, initiate Galvanic activation.

Bring up the beam.

[employee 1] Platform in motion.

Shirley, have we got the exact date
that Logie Baird made that transmission?

I'll find it.

[employee 2] All clear on the helipad.

I fed the KOSAT fake coordinates,
so it's coming into UK orbit.

- Within range in three minutes.
- You're brilliant.

Hello.

Hi.

[employee 1] Platform loaded.

[Doctor] You look so well. But how?

Well, quick version,
I travelled the stars.

Good old Sabalom Glitz,
he lived till he was 101.

- Whoa.
- Died falling over a whisky bottle.

- Oh.
- [chuckles] It's a perfect way to go.

He had this great big Viking funeral,
and I thought, "Time to go home."

So I got a lift off of a zingo
and came back to Earth.

- What's a zingo?
- It's a thing you get a lift off.

But then I had to face up to the one thing
I'd been running away from.

I've got nothing.

My family are all gone. Remember?

But then Kate offered me a job,
and here I am.

[inhales] Galvanic Beam payload boarding.

[employee 1] Platform locking at level 55.

- That was very good work with the music.
- Oh.

If we survive this,
you should think about joining UNIT.

- How much per year?
- 60,000.

- 120 plus five weeks' holiday.
- Done.

[gasps]

Galvanic Beam in position.
KOSAT in range in 90 seconds.

Doctor, Stooky Bill was televised
the 2nd of October, 1925

at 22 Frith Street, Soho, W1D 4RF.

Fire when ready. Don't wait for me.
TARDIS?

Suite 17.

Okay. [grunts]

[Donna] You're not going without me.

[TARDIS whooshing]

[Doctor] Soho, 1925.

So, what about Mel?

[chuckles] She's brilliant, isn't she?

[chuckles] Yeah, but I just keep thinking,
all this time, you've never mentioned her.

Donna, I'm a billion years old.

If I stood and talked about
everyone I'd ever met,

we'd still be in the TARDIS, yapping.

So you talk about no one ever?

You just keep charging on.

Yes, because I'm busy. Like now.

But you are busy
every second of every day.

I mean, look at us now.
We haven't stopped.

I saw you, Doctor.
I got a glimpse inside your mind.

And it's like you're staggering.
You are staggering along.

Maybe that's why your old face came back.
You're wearing yourself out.

Stooky Bill might be on Frith Street,

but the question is,
where did Stooky Bill come from?

[grunts]

Die ball is die first game
ever being invented.

Stone Age man, he picked up ein rock.
He said, "Oh!" [speaking German]

He throwed it, und he killed a man.

He said, "Oh, what fun!"

Und now, everybody loves the balls.

Until the year five billion.

When the very last human
picks up the skull of his enemy

und said,
"That is the final ball of all," ja?

Enough.

Ah. Donna Noble.

I wondered which one of you had the balls.

Okay. So you know my name?

- How do you two know each other?
- Donna, go back to the TARDIS.

- What?
- Go back to the TARDIS.

- You never tell me to do that.
- Oh, but he is recognising me.

Are you not "ge-pleased", Herr Doctor,

to see me again after so many years?

Who is he?

The Toymaker.

[children vocalising]

We meet again, Doctor.

But think, if the ball was
the very first game, what was the second?

Hide-and-seek! [giggles in arpeggio]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Go back.

It's bigger than the shop.

Don't tell me he's got his own TARDIS.

The TARDIS is an idea
the Toymaker would throw away.

We've stepped inside his domain,
and it's governed by the rules of play.

- [door slams]
- [Donna gasps]

Okay. Keep going forward.

But how does this even make sense?
'Cause I've seen some things with you.

I've seen Ood, Davros.

I mean, the Adipose, for God's sake.

But they had a sort of logic.

Daleks built a great big bomb.
I understood that.

But this...
This is impossible. How does it exist?

That's what unravels me.
All the laws I cling to, gone.

Who is the Toymaker?

What is he?

When I was young, I was so sure of myself.

I made a terrible mistake.

I let the TARDIS fall into another realm,

a hollow beneath the Under Universe,

where science is a game
and all of us are toys.

But you escaped.

I beat the Toymaker.
I won his game, but now he's here.

He's found his way into reality.

And I think it's all because of me.

'Cause I got clever, didn't I?

I cast that salt
at the edge of the universe.

I played a game and let him in,

an elemental force
with the power of a god,

and he's driven the human race mad
with a puppet.

Yeah, but you always say...

Oh, what do I say?

What do I say? What do I say?

'Cause I'm always so certain.

I'm all sonic and TARDIS and Time Lord.
Take that away.

Take away the toys.

What am I? What am I now?

I don't know
if I can save your life this time.

It's not about me.

Oh, yes, it is.

Well... [inhales]

Maybe I'll save you.

You big idiot.

[chuckles]

[inhales] Anyway, you beat him before.

That's the problem.

Odds-on I'll lose next time.

No. Doesn't work like that.

Because my dad used to say,

"Dice don't know
what the dice did last time."

Games don't have a memory.

Every game starts from scratch.

Oh, I like that. Well said, Dad.

Okay.

Shall we find the right door?

- Donna?
- Doctor?

Donna, don't move!

Can you hear me?

You there?

Doctor!

Just stay there! I'll try another door...

I'll try another door! Don't move!

[Charlie] Help me. Please help me.

[door squeaks]

I'm here. I've got you.
What is it? What happened?

I bought a toy.

I paid the price.

That's okay. Just let me lift you off.

I'll take the weight, okay?
Ready? Up! [grunts]

I came back to the shop.

Because I couldn't...
I couldn't stop hearing it.

The Giggle. The Giggle in my head.

[grunts]

What are these?

[ropes whooshing]

[thunder rumbles]

I asked him to stop.

The Giggle.

And he said,
"I will stop if you play my game."

But I lost. And now, I dance.

Whenever he commands,
I dance and I prance,

but I can never go home again, Doc.

What would Mummy say
if she saw me like this?

[gasps] Please, help.

[thunder rumbles]

Do you like my puppets, Doctor?
Do you like my fun?

All of them have played and lost,

but here's my favourite one.

[sing-songy] I thought I was clever.
I thought I was clever.

[gasps]

[crying]

Hello? Who's that? Where are you?

[door slams]

[crying continues]

My name's Donna.

And I warn you now,
if this is a trick, I will kill you.

[wooden footsteps]

I'm poor wee Stooky Sue.

I don't know what to do.

I lost my precious hubby.
They threw me in the cubby.

You're not real.

They took my Bill away.
I mourn him every day.

He won't come home to me.
'Cause they burnt him on TV.

You're just a doll.

Now the Stooky babbies weep.

Stooky babbies cannae sleep.

They miss their dear papa.
They seek him near and far.

They miss their kiss goodnight.

They greet in endless night.

- Mama.
- [Stooky Sue laughs]

[gasps, screams]

The Stooky babbies are so sweet.

[babies] Mama! Mama!

[grunts]

- [gasps]
- Stooky babbies want to eat.

- [baby screams]
- Get off me!

You've seen the widow cry,
and now it's time to die.

[grunts] Hello, Stooky. My name's Donna.

Now I think that you're a goner.

[grunting]

Anything to add?

[whimpering]

Babbies?

[whimpering continues]

- Oh, my God.
- There you are!

[fanfare plays]

[Toymaker speaking German]

[both gasp]

The show is just beginning.
Worldwide premiere.

Donna Noble, this is for you.

Let me tell you what happened
when the Doctor, he was leaving you.

He met eine friend called Amy Pond.

Und he loved Amy Pond.

Yes, he be liking die redheads.

And they went to and fro
in time und space.

But Amy Pond
was touched by the Weeping Angel.

Und she died.

She died of old age.

[in American accent]
Well, that's all right then.

[in German accent]
Und then he was meeting Clara.

Mmm.

But she was killed by a bird.

She still survives
in her last second of life.

[in American accent]
Well, that's all right then.

[in German accent]
Und then the Doctor met Bill.

Not Stooky Bill, but lady Bill.

But she was killed by the Cybermen.

But her consciousness survives.

[in American accent]
Oh, well, that's all right then!

[in German accent]
Und then there came die Flux.

Oh, Donna Noble, the poor Doctor.

Die Flux was killing everything.

Is all of this true?

I challenge you to a game.

[in British accent]
I accept the challenge.

You have no choice.

I came to this universe with such delight,
and I played them all, Doctor.

I toyed with supernovas,
turned galaxies into spinning tops.

I gambled with God
and made him a jack-in-the-box.

I made a jigsaw out of your history.
Did you like it?

The Master was dying

and begged for his life
with one final game.

And when he lost, I sealed him
for all eternity inside my gold tooth.

There's only one player
I didn't dare face.

- The one who waits.
- Who's that?

I saw it. Hiding. And I ran.

What do you mean?

Hmm.

That's someone else's game.

What shall we play?

One request. Tell me.

The human race, back in the future.
Why does everyone think they're right?

So that they win.

I made every opinion supreme.

That's the game of the 21st century.

They shout, and they type,
and they cancel.

So I fixed it. Now everybody wins.

And everyone loses.

The never-ending game.

Now name your challenge.

The simplest game of all. Let's cut.

Highest card wins.

- Aces high.
- You choose.

- I'll go first.
- But he'll cheat.

- No. Shame.
- No.

That's the one thing he won't do.

But they're his cards. He's all tricks.
Of course he'll cheat.

The only rules the Toymaker follows
are the rules of the game.

They bind his entire existence.

I win or I lose, and that's it.

Then play.

My turn.

[laughs]

I'm the king.

[in German accent] Und now, meine kleine
Doctor, we will see what is my prize!

One... all.

I won the game, many years ago.
You've won today,

which leaves us equal.

And you know two players are bound
by one inviolable rule.

[in British accent] Best of three.

Best of three.

Then let's make it 2023.

[clattering]

[Doctor] Donna!

I'm already running!

He said 2023.

Winner takes all.

[employee] Galvanic Beam primed.

Come on! Lift!

[people shouting]

We're one degree and 27 minutes out.

Give it a base-drive reset.

Galvanic Beam. Reset and reload.

[employee] Galvanic Beam.
Resetting confirmed.

[beam powering up]

Accuracy, a hundred per cent.
Systems locked and loaded.

Satellite within range.

- And fire.
- [employee] Yes, ma'am.

- We did it.
- Success!

[applause]

[Doctor] Keep an eye on that.

The satellite
was only a link in the chain,

so Donna needs access to the subframe.

There is no one in London faster
on a keyboard.

She's creating a template for this.

It coordinates all telescopes
and satellites

and deep-space scans across the Earth.

The Vlinx, I need all mesh reflectors
on Earth translated into digital five.

Mesh reflector link.

- Mel, is this static or dynamic?
- Dynamic.

We're using triad.

Got ya.

Okay, so you should all be receiving this

now.

How bad is it, Doctor?

Something entered this world in 1925.
I don't know how.

And I warn you, this thing can get from
1925 to now like stepping through a door.

But, if we're lucky,
the programme I'm giving you

can detect the decay
of an energy signature from 98 years ago.

Might be on Earth. Might be in orbit.
Might be in space.

But if we can find the entrance,
maybe we can turn it into an exit.

What are we fighting?

An elemental force
beyond the rules of the universe.

What's that supposed to mean?

You think life is a balance between order
and chaos, but the universe is not binary.

Far from it.

There is order and chaos,
and there is play.

- ["Spice Up Your Life" playing]
- What's that?

- Could you turn that off, please?
- Who is that?

Oh, I think he's here.

[lip synching]

[shouts]

- [Mel screams]
- [Doctor] Melanie!

Detain him.

No, don't!

[lip synching]

- [gasps]
- [soldier screams]

- What happened to them?
- They're dead. I'm sorry.

- Just stop it. Let me talk to him.
- On my command, open fire!

- Take him out! Take him out!
- [gasps]

[soldier shouts]

Get down!

[Donna screams]

- [horn honks]
- [music ends]

You okay?

I'm fine. I was lucky.

Doctor, who is he?

- The Toymaker.
- How does he do that?

The Vlinx, speed up those scans.
I need those results.

All of you, search the building.
He's still here. Where's he gone?

- [soldier] Secure the perimeter!
- But how does he do it?

If I told you he manipulates atoms
with the power of thought,

would you believe it?

Is that what he does?

No. You can't fight him, Shirley.
There's nothing you can do.

- [bell tinkling]
- Listen.

[stammers] Listen.

[bell tinkling]

Oh, my God. He's got the Galvanic Beam.

[speaking German]

Oh, how I am liking this.

The gun mit the laser
und the bang und the boom.

[Doctor] Go back inside. Get back!

No, no, no, no, no.

Every game is "ge-needing"
an audience, ja.

Get back inside!

Und I said nein!

- [Doctor grunts]
- [all scream]

[in British accent]
Now we can all have some fun.

Where are my staff?

The beam had a pilot and the armourer
and the ground staff. Where are they?

I think they're still falling.

[thud]

[glass shattering]

I don't understand why you're so small!

You can turn bullets into flowers.

Think of the good you could do.

So tell me why you don't!

You know full well this is merely a face

concealing a vastness
that will never cease.

Because your good
and your bad are nothing to me.

All that exists is to win or to lose.

And you know full well
that I've had many faces

containing something far more.

So come with me.

Leave this tiny world.

We can take your games back to the stars.

We can play across the cosmos.

We can be celestial.

The Time Lord and the Toymaker.

Infinite games.

And yet.

I have fallen in love with humanity.

This world is the ultimate playground.

All of the sport, the matches,
the medals, the gambling and anger.

And the children

shackled to their bedrooms
with their joysticks and their buttons.

You make games out of bricks falling upon
other bricks. You are exceptional.

And then there are the mind games.

Oh. The dating and ghosting.
The deceit and the control.

You make me dizzy.

I am in no hurry to leave this place.

[laughs]

We can play Grandma's Footsteps.

[soldiers exclaim]

And Off-Ground Touch.

- [soldier exclaims]
- Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Shooting ducks.

Who's next?

[in German accent] Ze companion.

Ze soldier.

Ze scientist.

Ze orphan.

Your fight is with me!

And you owe me!

One more ga...

[groans]

[Toymaker]
I played the first game with one Doctor.

[grunts]

[Toymaker] I played the second game
with this Doctor.

Therefore, your own rules have decreed

I play the third game
with the next Doctor.

[groans]

[groans]

He's not dying alone.

You can do what you like to me.

I'm gonna be with him.

And so am I.

Handmaidens.

It's okay.

It's not dying.

I know. [chuckles] But...

You're gonna be someone else.

It doesn't matter who.

'Cause every single one of you
is fantastic.

- It's time.
- [Mel inhales deeply]

Here we go again.

[breathing heavily]

Allons-y.

Um.

What... What's happening?

Could you... pull?

- Could I what?
- And you.

- What do you mean?
- Pull.

- Pull?
- [Doctor] Just pull. Each way.

- What for?
- I don't know. Feels different this time.

Oh, ow. [grunts]

[groans]

[groans]

- [gasps, grunts]
- What?

- What?
- What?

No way.

You're me.

No, I'm me.

[laughs]

I think I'm really, really me.

[laughs] Oh, I am completely me!

[laughs] Don't just stand there. Push.

- Do what?
- Push. Yeah?

Wha... Does this work?

I don't know. [laughs]

- [groans]
- [grunts]

[both laughing]

Hello!

[laughs]

So good to see you! So good!

[laughs]

Now, someone tell me
what the hell is going on here.

Excuse me. Sorry, but...

[stammers] How did that happen?

Bi-generation. [laughs]

I have bi-generated. [chuckles]

There's no such thing. Bi-generation is
supposed to be a myth, but... [chuckles]

- [joints crack]
- [groans]

Look at me.

[laughs] Myth, myth, myth.

Mel, what do you think?

- I think you're beautiful.
- [chuckle]

Still beautiful?

[laughs] Yeah.

- Do you come in a range of colours?
- [both] Yes.

[Toymaker] If I can interrupt.

Behold the game of the Time Lords.

A dummy who dies and doubles
and dies and doubles.

I could play this for a hundred years.

I'll have vast meadows of Doctors
dying over and over again.

And I'll never get bored. Because...

[both] I challenge you to a game.

But there's two of you.

I'm the Doctor.

And I'm the Doctor.

And according to the rules,
you can't say no.

But that's cheating.

[both] How?

- [Tenth Doctor] It's your game.
- You...

[Tenth Doctor] And you did this.

- [stammers]
- [Tenth Doctor] You doubled us.

I accept your challenge.

[Tenth Doctor] Get back.

Moments like these are a joy.

When someone thinks they can outwit
the maker of the games.

Do you think a grand total of two
can cause me to shiver,

when I played against the guardians
of time and space

and shrank them into voodoo dolls?

Name your challenge, Doctor.

You said it. "The first game ever."

The ball.

[gasps] Catch.

Of course, before we begin,
there is one thing to remember.

It's a simple game, really. But I think...

- If you drop it, you lose.
- [grunts]

[grunts]

Nice.

- [grunts]
- [Tenth Doctor whistles]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

Hey! I'm on your side!

I'm so sorry. [laughs]

I'm so sorry.

[grunts]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[clicks tongue]

[grunts]

[grunts, panting]

[groans]

[both grunt]

[grunting]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[panting]

- But...
- [Tenth Doctor] We won.

[Mel gasps]

We did it! Fair game. You lost.

No, but I think you'll find...

[Tenth Doctor] Best of three.

And my prize, Toymaker,
is to banish you from existence forever.

[grunts]

No, but I'm...

It's not...

You can't...

But I...

Not fair.

[grunts] Please.

My legions are coming.

[groans]

[sighs]

[Toymaker giggling]

[steady beep]

Take it to the deepest vault

- and bind it in salt.
- Yes, ma'am.

Shirley, tell Geneva we're in full resus.

Tell every base to follow
Green Shoot protocols. Full liaison.

Rudi, I want the names of all those staff.

Hey.

We did it.

But how many died down there?

That's not your fault.

You can't save everyone.

Why not?

Come here.

I've got you.

Yeah.

It's okay.

I'm here.

[voices laughing]

And that's the petrolink
shatterfry compensator.

Moved from there to there.

Hyperdynes. Uh, fluid links, obviously.

And, uh, well, you know. Things.

But, um... How's it gonna work?

You and me.

This is great! I think. Is it?

But how do we both...

One thing you need in this place
is a chair.

I'll be all right.

No. You're thin as a pin, love.
You're running on fumes.

That's what I keep saying.

I'm just post-bi-generation.

Ha! It's more than that.

Our whole lifetime,

that Doctor that first met the Toymaker
never, ever stopped.

Put on trial. Exiled. Key to Time.
All the devastation of Logopolis.

- Adric.
- Adric.

River Song.

All the people we lost.

Sarah Jane has gone.
Can you believe that for a second?

I loved her.

[breathes shakily] I loved her.

And Rose.

But the Time War, Pandorica, Mavic Chen.

We fought the Gods of Ragnarok,

and we didn't stop for a second
to say, "What the hell?"

But you're fine.

I'm fine because you fix yourself.

We're Time Lords.
We're doing rehab out of order.

He's saying you need to stop.

I don't know how.

Well...

I can tell you.

Because you know what I did?

When you went flying off
in your blue box, spaceman...

I stayed in one place and I lived.
Day after day after day.

It would drive me mad.

[laughing] Yeah.

It does.

But you keep on going.

And that's the adventure.

The one adventure you've never had.

'Cause I've...

I've worked out what happened.

You changed your face,
and then you found me.

Do you know why?

No.

To come home.

Do you mean

he flies off?

But I could never let the TARDIS go.

Never. It would hurt.

Yeah, but bi-generation
has never happened before.

What if...

What if! Oh!

[laughs]

What if the Toymaker's domain
is still lingering?

Just for a few seconds
while we're in a state of play.

[laughs] So maybe...

Hey! Watch this, watch this.
Watch, watch, watch, watch.

Stand back. Stand back.

Go on. That's it, Donna.

[grunts]

Wish me luck.

What for?

We won the game. You get a prize, honey.

And here is mine!

[grunts]

[laughs]

[sing-songy] Ta-da!

I am so sorry.

That is completely nuts.

[laughs]

Oh, look!

Oh, that's not bad.

Wheelchair accessible.

At last! You finally caught up
with the 21st century.

Yeah.

Go on.

Ooh, jukebox.

[grunts]

Okay.

Boom.

Where is he? Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You weren't gonna leave
without saying goodbye, were you?

As if I would ever do that.

Come here.

Come here.
Come here, come here, come here.

[laughs]

Look after him, no?

Now, you two,

if you don't mind, there is a great,
big universe out there calling,

and I've gotta get going.

So off you pop, old man.

- Oh.
- You're the old man. You're older than me.

- [Donna] Actually, that is true.
- [Tenth Doctor] Yeah.

He's younger, 'cause you came after him,
so you're the older Doctor.

Okay. Kid, I love you. Get out.

Oh. I'm not doing that again.

Shirley, I don't suppose
you've seen this before.

Don't see it often myself.

Stand by.

Where's he going?

Everywhere.

[TARDIS whooshing]

Good luck.

Right.

The cast-iron pot is the vegan.

- Oh! For you.
- Ta-da!

- Oh!
- The one with the flowers is the chicken.

- [Doctor] Aha!
- I think.

And this is cauliflower cheese,

which doesn't really go with anything,
but it was there.

Anyway, shush, please!

- For the eyebrow story!
- Oh, yes.

So, this species only communicated
with their eyebrows.

I thought, "I can do that."

So I'm stood there on this clifftop.
And I went, "I mean you no harm."

- [friends laugh]
- "I come in peace. I am your friend."

- [Mel] Am I late?
- [exclaims]

Sorry, the door was open. You don't mind?

Oh, you're family, darling. Sit down.

Did you drive?

No, I got a lift off a zingo.

[all cheering]

- [all laughing]
- Oh, how strange.

[Shaun] Sit down.

- So, she looked at me.
- Mm-hmm.

- The Warrior Queen of the Felooth.
- Oh.

And she said,
"Good. And now you will marry me."

I said, "What?"
And she pushed me off the cliff.

[all laughing]

But is it true though? Is it really true?

[groans]

We could always go in the TARDIS
and find out.

[stammers] Don't you dare.

You are grounded
until the Doctor feels better.

Don't go sneaking off to Mars.

Again.

- [Shaun groans]
- [Donna] What's that mean?

[groans] No, it was...
[stammers] It was just once.

Oh, you're in trouble.

[Mel] He took me to New York last week.

- Mel.
- The Gilded Age. It was amazing.

Well, yeah.

Just can't turn down my favourite niece.

Ah, niece.

I like that.

Well, that's what you are.

With my best friend,
my brother-in-law, the evil stepmother.

- Oh, I have barely begun.
- [Rose laughs]

- And mad Auntie Mel.
- [Shaun laughs]

Mad Auntie Mel? [laughs] Mad Auntie Mel.

- [all] Mad Auntie Mel!
- I like that. Yeah.

And Grandad! Where is he?

Oh, he's off shooting moles.

- [gunshot]
- [grunts]

Don't worry. I gave the moles
a force field. I love the moles.

You love the moles?

I love them.

But here we are.

- [gunshot]
- Grandad and all.

Who'd have thought?
I ended up with a family.

Oh, my God. I got it wrong.
The vegan one is in the flowers.

[groans] What am I eating?

- Oh! Don't worry, dear.
- Give it to your Gran.

Don't make a fuss.
I'll get you a new plate.

You don't have to stay forever.

We'll see.

Do you miss it?

Out there?

Funny thing is I fought all those battles
for all those years.

And now I know what for.

This.

[chuckles]

I've never been so happy in my life.

[laughs]

[mutters]

[beeping]

[groans]

Oh.