All language subtitles for Dead.Like.Me.The.Movie.DVDRip.XviD.AC3-DEViSE-English

Let me tell you a story.
A story of life and death.

My death.

But before we go there, we need to
go back to a time where it all started,

when God was getting busy
with the creation of the universe,

where there was only cosmic goo.

God's Play-Doh, if you will.

While God was messing with this
Play-Doh, creating all living things,

he put death into
a ceramic jar for safekeeping,

until he could figure out
what to do with it.

One day, God gave the jar
to a frog and a toad

to guard it from harm while he went
off to create something more fantastic.

Why he gave it to a frog
and a toad, I'll never know.

But one thing led to another.

The jar shattered,
letting death out.

And ever since,
everything has to die.

So there you have it.
The mystery of death finally revealed.

Which brings us to my story.

Everybody dies.
That's just the way it is.

The life clock ticks at
the same speed for everyone.

And we all know that
one day that clock will stop.

And when it does,
we're only going to have time to say...

I'm told I'm not supposed
to argue or question,

or even try to understand.

I'm told it a lot these days,

ever since my life was snuffed out
by a toilet seat from an old space station,

and I joined the ranks of the undead
and became a grim reaper.

This is Rube. He's our boss.
He keeps us reapers in line.

Every morning we meet Rube at
a restaurant called Der Waffle Haus,

where he would review the list which
has who's to die, when and where,

which he writes out on a Post-it

and then passes on
to all the grim reapers.

Rube says that you don't
mess around with fate, peanut.

People die when they are meant to die.
You cannot intervene in any way.

When life is done, it's done.

We, the undead, are meant to exist
on the fringe of the living world.

We can move freely
among the living to do our job.

My name is George Lass.
I've been dead for five years.

I take souls for a living.

My division is External Influence.

Translation: murders,

natural disasters, accidents, et cetera.

And I do mean et cetera.

MAN ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hi, yes, Professor Gregor?

This is Mr. Fielding from
the Arthur Barrisford Foundation.

I am thrilled to announce to you

that you have finally
been named the recipient

of our $500,000 genius grant.

GEORGE: That ugly guy?
He's a graveling.

They set things in motion.
And once things start moving,

look out below.

The sun rises, the sun sets.

Life comes, and for a
once successful inventor

who's down on his luck, life goes.

Welcome to the afterlife, Mr. Gregor.

Sorry about the last-minute reaping,
but we don't normally do suicides,

so I wasn't sure you were
our man till the last second.

I don't care.
I won. I finally won.

Yes, you did, the jackpot.

Now, into your lights.

You know, I thought it would
hurt more, but it didn't. Not at all.

Well, that's 'cause
I took your soul before you died.

Oh! Well, thank you
very much, Miss, uh...

Lass, but you can call me George.

Am I gonna see you again
where I'm going towards?

Eventually.

When I get my lights.

I don't know when.

Death is full of surprises, huh?

You have no idea.

I love morning reaps,

accomplishing so much
when everyone else is still in bed,

and I still have the whole day ahead of me.

Reapers are assigned an unspecified
allotment of souls to collect.

You don't know how many souls

until you've nabbed the last one,
and then you move on.

Moving on, much like death,
has its own timetable.

You don't know when
it's going to happen until it happens.

And today, fate is telling
our band of merry grim reapers

to move on from Der Waffle Haus.

-Smells like bacon.
-Looks like arson.

Where the hell
is Rube? I need my coffee.

People, this is hallowed ground.
Show some respect.

I'm showing respect.
Auf wiedersehen, Der Waffle Haus.

Fond farewell
to a shitty little restaurant.

Which didn't extend me
any more credit, so fuck you.

Did you have something to do
with this fire, you limey bastard?

First of all, I don't need
to answer that, 'cause I...

How about I just make it
so every time you kneel

in front of a glory hole,
you think of me?

I already do!

He didn't do it, Roxy.
He's not that smart.

Thanks, George.

Excuse me!

I'm here to pick up Daisy...

Uses sex to get her way.

...Roxy...

She could kick your ass.

...Mason...

Ah, Mason, Mason, Mason.

...and George.

They call me "toilet seat girl. "

Yes. That's right.

Wait! He's supposed
to open the door for us.

Oh, my bad.
I didn't go to prom.

Thank you.

Ooh, snacky snacks.

In the space-time continuum,
everything changes.

-Whoo!
-Change can be slow.

Show me your tits!

Whoa!

Change can be fast.
Change can be welcomed or feared,

or it can come to you in a black limo
and take you to a fancy restaurant.

One thing you can
count on is change.

No. Look,
I told you already, no.

No means no.

I'm not gonna change
my mind. Oh, one second.

Ah, there you all are.
Welcome. Please, have a seat.

Daisy.

Died on the set of
Gone with the Wind, 1939.

-Mason.
-What?

Drilled a hole in your head, 1966.

Roxy, strangled with a legwarmer in 1982.

And George,

killed by a toilet seat
from outer space in 2003.

Better off dead
Better off dead

Oh. Excuse me.

Um...

Okay, not to be all, "What the fuck?"
about this, but...

What the fuck?

Look, uh, our workload
is going to increase,

and we need better ways
to stay connected.

Now, this Post-it business was fine,
but now we're with the Treos.

Old habits die hard,

and if you guys still want to
meet for your early morning chats,

then this table has
a standing res in my name.

I can't promise I'll be there every day,

but you can always
get a hold of me on here,

or text me, or e-mail me.

-Who...
-Sorry, overseas market's just closing.

-... are you?
-Kane, sell it.

Sorry about that.

Cameron Kane, died 9/11,
fell 85 stories and never felt a thing.

I think I met your sister last night.
She gave me a lap dance. Candy?

But who are you?

Meet the new boss.
Well, Rube got his lights.

He had to, uh...
He had to move on.

They headhunted me because of
my ass-kicking performance stats,

and they brought me in
to reconfigure your branch

because, quite frankly, it had gotten
a little slack under the old guard.

Your assignments
will be on your Treos,

the car is at your disposal,
and breakfast is, uh, my treat.

In perpetuity.

I can't wait to get started.
We are gonna be a great team.

What the fuck? I'm hungry.

-He's Iying.
-No, I'm not.

-Not you. Cameron.
-Lying about what?

Rube. About Rube
going away forever.

Do you think he did
something to Rube?

-Why would he do that?
-I don't know. Some kind of coup.

What, to take over
our illustrious team of grim reapers?

-No one's that dumb.
-She's right, Roxy.

It just doesn't make sense. Unless
he heard about my staggering beauty.

Ugh.

He heard you were a stank-ass ho
that'd go down on Clark Gable

to play an extra on the plantation.
That's what he heard.

-You see how he took her chair out?
-And my phone-y thingy is greeny.

And?

And it matches my eyes.
It's my favorite color.

If Rube was still around,

he would have been at
the Waffle Haus this morning.

He would have found us.
He would have.

Goddamn it!

We didn't even have
a chance to say goodbye.

Fuck him.

Where to?

Uh, I've gotta get back
to my car. I'm late for work.

Yes, ma'am. Anyone else?

Yes, um, 11 Stratford,
no, Stubens Place.

I have 45 minutes, so we
can drop George off first.

Oh, wait, I'll come with you
'cause, um, I'm much, much later.

How do you work this damn thing?

Looks like you get the day off.

Excuse me?

Oh, no. Look, I got another one.

They're almost back-to-back. Look at that.

You get two, I get none?
Rube would never do this.

Well, I don't like it
any more than you do.

Well, give me one of yours, then.

You can't take her reap.

-I can if she got two.
-Hey, shut the fuck up.

Reap is slang for...

Reap is slang for when we take
the soul out of a body who's just...

Sales meeting,
and we make commissions.

We're very competitive.

I understand.

There's no way in hell
she gets two reaps.

It has to be a mistake.

Well, I think it shows
a sensitivity on his part.

So do I.

I think he knew you
were gonna be all touchy

about him taking over,
so he let you slide.

So why didn't Mr. Sensitive
let you guys slide?

Because you're the only one
who wants Rube's old fucking job.

Listen, I have a bit of a time
crunch. Could use your help.

All right, we'll take the squad car.
I'll use the lights if I have to.

Everything changes.

Just when I get used to
the way things are in life,

or in my case, death...

Asshole!

GEORGE:... death throws you a curve.

That's the space-time continuum
for you, full of surprises.

That was entirely uncalled for!

See, there's my
mom and my sister Reggie.

My daughter is only 16!
She's just learning how to drive.

That's me. That's how
the living world sees me.

You should have a little consideration!

Light's still red.
Light's still red!

Could you please chill?
Could you please pull over?

All right. Are you
trying to get us killed?

It's crossed my mind.

That's comforting.

Not lately, though,

because I really want
a new car for my birthday.

Actually, it can be used. I can deal.

Oh. That's great.
You can deal, all right.

Soon as you make
enough money from your job.

Laura got new boobs for her 16th,
and she didn't even need them.

Well, that's really sketchy behavior.

Mmm. More shady than sketchy.

Yeah. Should be your father's job.

Except that he lives,
like, a million miles away.

When your father was teaching
George to drive, she cut someone off,

but she thought it was their fault,
so she took both hands off the wheel

so she could flip 'em off twice.

-Can we go now?
-Blinker!

-All right, let them know you're coming.
-I know!

-Don't let it bother you.
-Okay, okay! I'll try.

But, um, just in case?

What hand should I use
to flip somebody off?

The one not holding the cell phone.

Do you want to go around back?
Sneak in through the cafeteria?

It's too late.
They already saw me.

-I love you.
-You're the only one.

That's not true.

That's not true.

The doctors were wonderful.

But as great as they were at
diagnosing and treating Teddy,

they had no idea how
to tell a 12-year-old boy

that he was going to die.

And we couldn't do it,
so the guilt...

Now, let me just say,

I've been running this
group for two years now,

and I have never heard from a parent
who has figured that one out. Right?

I mean that there is no guidebook.

How do you manage it?

To be honest, not well.

George died suddenly,

and earlier that same day,
we had a fight.

And I... You know, I can't
remember exactly what I said,

but it wasn't pleasant.

And so I've been haunted
by it for the past five years.

So now I just make sure
that every time I say goodbye

to my younger daughter,
I tell her I love her.

Drives her crazy.

Morning, Crystal.

-Meow, Millie.
-Good morning, Delores.

How was your breakfast meeting?

It's supposed to be anonymous.

Oh, I'm sorry. I keep forgetting.

You're under too much stress.

I just keep thinking about
somebody ratting me out,

-bringing Murray to work.
-Everybody loves Murray.

See how much they love him
when he gets too weak

to use the kitty litter box
and starts spraying the bizhub.

So take some family leave.

Spend some time with Murray
before he, you know, passes.

There's a no-pet
clause in the contract. I checked.

Oh. Bastards.

I'm gonna have to put
that potty mouth of yours

directly into Murray's kitty litter box.

How many interviews we got today?

Sixteen.

-Bring 'em on.
-That's my girl.

-Oh, this is so sexy.
-How is this sexy?

Toenails and hair all over the floor,

faces dead with too much
Botox and too much makeup.

Looks like a mortuary, if you ask me.

Oh, I like mortuaries.
I think they're sexy.

-That's 'cause you're dead.
-No, it's 'cause he's sick.

Uh, can I help you?

I hope so.

Is there someone who works here

-with the last name Baenziger?
-No.

-Oh.
-Great haircut.

I know. What about a client?
Last name Baenziger.

Not on the books for today.

Oh.

Good choice.

You know, the yellow rocks
make it look like spring.

That is just what I thought.

Yeah.

So, do you mind if I go back
and look for my friend?

-Yeah, be my guest.
-Thanks.

Goody. That means we get to play,
you know...

High-risk factor.

Okay, ready?

-Running with scissors.
-Barber on drugs, razor at throat.

The house is right
on the mountain. Ski in, ski out.

My instructor says I'm a natural.

-Then there's her.
-What's high risk about her?

Nothing. I just want her dead.

Baenziger!

Oh, good. Now we get
to play last-minute panic.

Hey.

Daisy.

-Zac?
-Hi.

Is that you?

Yeah. No, uh... Sorry.
Do I know you from somewhere?

I think so. Are you Zac Baenziger?

Yeah. No. Yeah, that's me, for sure.
Uh, were we in high school together?

Graveling!

-I saw it first.
-I saw it.

It's good to see you. Really.

Yeah.

Sorry, I need a signature.

Now, where did my pens go?

There you go.
There you go.

Call 911! Hurry!

Hey, dead guy.

You mean those weren't candies?

No, and we didn't go
to high school together.

We gotta go, guys.

Thank you.

Daisy, what about his lights?

Uh, he'll figure it out.
You know, we've only got 10 minutes.

Rushing a reap! This is bad form.

This Cameron guy
is starting to piss me off.

I think his
way is more efficient.

I think Daisy's right.
The geezer is dead, isn't he?

I've got some lovely lemon sage
thickening conditioner for my hair.

-Look nice for the new boss.
-I don't think you're his type.

-You are?
-I'm everybody's type.

Oh, really?
Trying to make me jealous?

Just stating the obvious.

-So, Mr. Harding.
-Call me Ryan.

Hold on a sec.

Ryan, let the potential
employer address you formally

if that's what she chooses.

First names may be taboo
in her place of business,

and if that's the case,
you just talked yourself out of a job.

Go ahead.

What do you think is your greatest
accomplishment in life so far, Mr. Harding?

I'm 26.

By the age of 26, Tiger Woods
had already won the Grand Slam.

At 26, Henry Ford
had invented the Model T.

By the time he was 26,
Alexander the Great...

Had become a homo.
-Ryan.

If she insists on
comparing me to successful people,

-of course I'm gonna fall short.
-Oh, get over it.

May I, Millie?

What do we do here?

We're a temp agency.

Mmm-hmm.

Millie?

We're an agency that gets people jobs

that are temporary.

We are a corporate dating service.

And if we want to find the right match,

we have to understand
the sine qua non of that person.

We have to find out
what makes someone special.

We have to ask questions
that catch people off guard,

that really pull their masks off.

Like, "What's your most
treasured possession?"

My cat.

How about, "What's the best
birthday gift you ever got?"

My cat. People, these
don't catch people off guard.

We need a question like, uh...

Questions like,

"What's the one thing you
want to do before you die?"

Now that's a great question.

Carry on. Doing great.

Answer the question, Ryan.

-Do you want me to answer honestly?
-Of course.

That's easy. He wants to get laid.

-Amy!
-No, she's right.

Okay, you know, let's start over,

and feel free to lie this time.

There were a lot of things
I wanted to do before I died.

I don't know what they were

because I never asked
myself that question.

What the fuck?

Whoever H. Hart is,

I hope he or she asked the question,
because their clock is about to stop.

High-risk factors.

Hey, stop. Stop.

So many possibilities, so little time.

The driver didn't even
stop to see if he was okay.

Hang tough, Jenny.
Hudson will be all right.

Hudson's got heart.
Hudson's got heart.

What's that you're saying?

It's one of our cheers.

I mean, all the football
players have one.

I mean, except Gustav Guducek,

because, well,
nothing rhymes with that.

And, I mean,
Hudson's is easy, right?

I mean, there's part
and dart, and all that stuff.

And then, well, we decided

how sweet and easy
if we just used his name?

Hudson's got heart.

Get it?

That's Hudson Hart?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

I told you to look
like a million bucks.

-Well, I never got your message.
-Okay, obviously.

-Oh, Georgia, I have the best news.
-Not me.

Cameron seriously
screwed up on my reap time.

Oh, dear, that's too bad.
But enough about you.

I'm returning to the theater.

Returning?
I thought you only did movies.

-What's the difference?
-A live audience?

Oh, silly George, Cameron
introduced me to Ronald Gluckster.

Who?

The producer. And he loves me.
And I'm understudying Lady Macbeth.

-I start rehearsals demain.
-Did you have to blow him?

No. In fact, he said
I have a certain je ne sais quoi.

-Do you know what that means?
-That you're gonna have to blow him.

Daisy, Cameron seriously
screwed up my reap.

Oh, that's too bad for you.
But you should have a drink. It's a party.

I've had five glasses of Cristal.
I could get used to this.

-Where's Mason?
-Mmm.

In heaven.

Oh, there's the mayor.

Georgie Porgie pudding and...

... Pie? I don't know.

Look what Cameron
bought me for my birthday.

-It's not your birthday.
-Georgie, shut up.

-I don't want to offend my presents.
-There's plenty of time for that later.

This is Tiffany.

Hi.

And this is Tiffany.

Hi.

How fucking funny is that?

All you're missing
is the little blue box.

Oh, do you know what lives
inside little blue boxes?

Seriously, do you? Do you?

-No, please tell me.
-Necrophiliacs.

Cameron screwed up my reap.

And little tiny Eskimos
who live in little ice blocks,

and they get eaten by lions,
and they're really sad.

-Are you listening to me?
-Mmm-hmm.

There is a soul trapped in
agony out there right now.

Oh, no!

Oh, I don't care.
It's happened before, innit?

Not like this.
Not when Rube was in charge.

Fuck Rube. Fuck Rube.
It's not my bloody problem.

Seriously, I don't care.

Where's Roxy?

You know what is my problem, though?

I really need some Viagra in, like,
an IV thing that goes in your arm.

Yeah. I love you.

-You don't look so hot.
-I got boned with bad reap info.

That shit don't float in my bowl.

-What did Cameron say?
-I haven't found him yet.

Follow me.

Cameron! George needs some answers.

Ah, Roxy. Just who I was looking for.

Have you said hello to
Police Commissioner Cusek?

Commissioner, it's
an honor and a privilege.

Pleasure's all mine, Officer.

I was just telling the Commissioner
here that there aren't enough

African-American ranking
officers in the police force.

Now, maybe it's time
for a promotion, hmm?

I don't want any affirmative
action quota bullshit.

Well, then, how about a drink?

Love to.

See you later.

Ah, so glad you could make it.
I was getting worried about you.

You should be worried.
You gave me the wrong reap time.

Easy, princess.

What happened?

The Treo said 5:52.

I was there early, but H. Hart
had already been hit by the car

and taken away to the hospital.

So he was in the ambulance at 5:52.

-Long gone.
-Then he was DOA.

But I didn't even touch him.
Not even close.

Then I suggest

you go to the hospital

and make sure your boy is dead.

Take care of business, princess,
and go reap his soul.

WOMAN ON PA:
Dr. Orton to OR one, post op.

Dr. Orton to OR one, post op.

-Yes, may I help you?
-I'm looking for Hudson.

Oh, I'm sorry, miss.

His parents can't
even see him right now.

You'll have to wait
with everyone else.

No, I just need to see his body.

To say goodbye?

Don't rush him to heaven, honey.

He's still hanging in there.

He is?

Must have been
touched by an angel.

The waiting area
is around the corner.

-This way.
-Thanks.

This can't be happening.

I just spoke to him this morning.

I can't believe
we're here now.

I don't want Hudson to die.

Doctor, is my father gonna be okay?

I hope so.

Good. Here's a picture
to put on your fridge.

Thank you.

There's the ship,
there's the plane,

and there's a fast, fast bike.

Are you planning your getaway?

I like to go very fast.

Oh.

Tara, sweetheart, it's time to go.

Give a kid a crayon
and she'll draw you a picture

of how she's getting
the hell out of Dodge.

Every kid seems to be
planning her escape.

You want a picture of a house,
you have to ask for it.

It's done.

Wow!

-George, you have talent.
-I know. It's me there.

Well, where you heading, sweetheart?

-On a secret voyage.
-Who are those people?

A secret.

Fine, then. It's you and Mom.
You're drifting out to sea.

I'm not sure why I'm
taking this personally,

but why are Reggie
and I drifting out to sea?

You were kicked off the boat.

Why can't I be on the boat?

Georgia, what do you have to say?

Better luck next life.

Those are the words you're
gonna leave your little sister with?

Who worships the ground you walk on?

What are you doing, sweetie?

I'm getting back on Georgia's boat.

My getaway plan
worked to perfection.

Dead at 18.

Are his kidneys compromised, too, Doctor?

Uh, that's what I'm here to find out.

Poor kid.

Quarterback turned vegetable.
It's a fate worse than death.

Oh, I'll say.

You'll thank me for this some day.

Or not.

Die, goddamn it.

Did I say that out loud?

Uh, don't die, Hudson.
Hudson, please don't die.

Don't... Oh, I need a tissue.

Why are you here?

-I just want to see Hudson.
-This is for friends and family only. Bye.

You didn't have
to be so rough on her.

Hudson doesn't even know that girl.

You didn't have to
make her feel like shit.

Yeah, well, this isn't about her.
It's about Hudson.

10:15, Reggie.

Lisa left work early,
so I had to close up by myself.

Well, that sucks.
How did you get home, then?

Bus.

Honey, I would have picked you up.

You've got your books.

I didn't want to pull you away.

Well, when did you
become so thoughtful?

A boy at school almost died today.

Hit and run.

Oh, my God!

He's in intensive care.

Did you know him?

-Ow.
-I'm sorry.

Sorry. Um, the buckle on my
shirt just jabbed into my back.

Red, but not bleeding.

Yeah, I hate this stupid thing.

Now the buckle puts
holes into my back.

Maybe you should take it off.

Maybe I should.

Unless you want to.

Not really.

I mean, everybody knows him.

Hudson Hart. He plays football.

I love you.

Does that mean that you're gonna
take me to the homecoming dance?

Uh, I...

I'm already...

Chill.

You know I wouldn't be
caught at that stupid dance.

But you could still ask.

I know who you mean.
He goes out with that beautiful girl.

Jennifer Hardek.

Oh, guess it's too late
to call her parents.

Why would you call her parents?

Because I know them.

And it's what I do.

Maybe I could help Jennifer.
She's gotta be really freaked out.

Worried he's gonna die.

Yeah.

Reggie, are you upset?

It's okay to cry, sweetheart.

Death is scary, I know.

Even if he wasn't your friend.

Mason.

Mason, wake up.

Mason!

Give me one more kiss then, Tiffany.

Ugh! Mason, pull yourself together.

Goddamn it!

-There you go. There you go.
-Holy shit.

Right there! Right there!
Right there. Right there.

Right there! Right there!

My reap is still alive,
my sister's in love with him,

Daisy and Cameron
are having Tantric sex...

And all is right with the world.

This is like invasion
of the body snatchers.

Roxy, snap out of it!

I did.

Then what do we do?
How do we fix this?

We don't fix what isn't broken.

George, look around.

Look at this place.

Cameron's figured it out.

Figured what out?

That there's no bolt of
lightning coming down.

What are you talking about?

There are no consequences
for anything we do.

Yes, there are.
Terrible ones. Rube said...

I loved that man.

But Rube is not here
anymore to make the rules.

Well, then, you tell me what to do.

Who knows how much time
we have left here, George.

Make hay while the sun shines.

With Cameron's blessings.

Oh, great.
Now Roxy's flipped.

Well, that makes it official.
The world's gone mad.

When the world goes mad,
anything can happen.

Like I get left in charge.

Visa card application? Says you
get a Seahawks helmet on the card.

No. Oh, don't forget,

the purchase orders get filed in
the second drawer, but only after...

After they've been stapled
to the invoice. I know, Delores.

It's only a few more
responsibilities until you're back.

Oh. And if corporate calls,
remember, it's my Uncle Murray

that had kidney failure.
Not too far from the truth.

Aw, look at my big boy up there.

Insists on jumping up to
the highest spot in the room

when he doesn't have the strength
to clean his own bottom after a poo.

You're a wonder.

A dentist in our building.
$50 off teeth whitening.

-No.
-It says they use a laser to do it

and it's the next big thing.

Yeah, my behind
is the next big thing.

Burial at sea, taxidermy, cremation?

Hey, give me that.

Why?

I don't want Murray to know.

What, you don't think
he knows he's dying?

He'll be so busy living,
he won't even see it coming.

And neither will I.

Why? What are you two gonna do?

Everything.

Get laid?

I hear Ryan's available.

Let me see that
teeth whitening thing.

This is a first.

I'm the responsible one.

Where the hell is everyone?

-When I was alive...
-Thank you.

... I was never a defender
of following the rules.

Rule breakers were
usually considered kind of cool.

And I wanted to be cool,
so I broke a lot of rules.

If I got caught,
I got punished. No big deal.

In death, the rules are unclear.

And if you break them,
the consequences are murkier.

As a reaper, we are
supposed to take souls

and lead them to their lights,
but what if we don't?

We aren't supposed to
interfere with the living world,

but what if we do?

What are the consequences
of breaking rules?

Who knows,
until someone breaks them?

Will she be getting
a medal, Commissioner Cusek?

At least one.

-Anything to add, Officer?
-I was just doing my job.

Don't be modest.
Come on, give us the details.

I was at the right place
at the right time.

No, you don't. No, you don't!

Get back in there!

-Call 911!
-Right away!

You are not gonna die on me.

-You hear me?
-Let go of me, lady!

Throw me back in the water!

Witnesses say he looked dead

but that you wouldn't
give up on the CPR.

I might have cracked
a few ribs,

but I just felt like
I could bring him back to life.

Right here, Roxy.

Shit.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Are you Otto Zien?

Yes. How did you know my name?

I got friends in high places.

On the floor, now! Down!

Excuse me.
I think I'll take that.

That really bloody hurt!

You can't kill a dead guy, mate.

Motherfucker!

Money.

Thank you.

Hello.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Clean hospital is a happy hospital.

Well, it's such a short run, Daisy.
I want to do every performance.

Well, how about, um, you know,

just a teensy, weensy
little Wednesday matinee?

You know, nothing but
a bunch of blue hairs.

I don't think so. Sorry. No offense.

None taken.

And if we fail,

then screw
your courage to the sticking-post.

It's "sticking-place. "

That's what I said!

How do I look?

Deadly.

I'm on.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

-You're welcome.
-Thank you.

No, I didn't!

I specifically said
I wanted the report by 3:00!

You did not. You said 5:00.

Amy! Just admit
that you fucked up!

Delores would never
talk to anyone that way.

Yeah? Well, maybe she should.

Maybe it would make things run
a little more smoothly around here.

I quit!

Well, if I had known
it was gonna be that easy,

I would have
yelled at you a lot sooner!

What are you all looking at?

Geronimo!

Let's go, Murray!

Talk about free-falling.

While Delores and Murray were
free-falling through space,

Daisy was just spaced out.

Out, damned spot.

Out, damned spot?

Out, I say.

The thane of Fife had a wife.

E-I-E-I-O.

And a moo moo here,
and a moo moo there.

Here a moo, there a moo,
everywhere a moo moo.

Old MacDonald had a farm
E-I-E-I-O

I'm Lady Macbeth!

Baby, I'm hungry.
You promised me a lobster.

Of course I'm gonna give you a lobster.

All right, just wait one second.
She'll be out in a minute. Promise. Promise.

-Do you like her more than us?
-No, I don't like her more than you.

I love you. And I love you.

And I especially love you,
you, and you, and you.

Then let's eat.

Not yet. All right? Not yet.

So give us the money,
and we'll go by ourselves.

Okay. Um, could you, um...

All right. Uh, fine.

-I'll catch up with you.
-No rush.

-Daisy.
-Oh.

Where's my goddamn limo?

Daisy?

Want it?

Uh, I think you were brilliant tonight.

Oh, Mason, Mason.

Here.

You're a good boy.

Um...

Cameron!

What did you do
with my fucking limo?

Had to walk home from the theater.
It was humiliating.

About as humiliating as your
performance tonight, apparently.

Where are you going?

Oh, I have to head to
New York overnight on business.

What's her name?

Goldman Sachs.

She prettier than me?

And a lot richer,
with a lot less attitude.

Oh, no wonder I have attitude.
You haven't fucked me in days.

I decided it was bad judgment
on my part to fuck the employees.

-I hate you.
-Of course you do, Daisy. I'm a man.

Oh, you! You!

I really have to do
something about my hair.

Hello?

I'm here for Raul.

Oh, hello, hello. Come. Come here.
Oh, I am so glad you came.

Come here. Oh, yes.

I guess you are only client
left who has any balls, yes?

Oh.

Yeah.

Here. Here.

In case we need to,
uh, pay the toll. Yes?

Oh.

Coming through?

Mr. Poltergeist?

Yeah.

We have the yellow ones.

They're your favorite.

Hmm?

Let us pass.

Uh, how long has
this been happening?

-Oh, that we have been haunted?
-Mmm.

Oh, ever since Zac bit the dust.

Oh.

Uh, yes. It, uh, you know,
it seems like it has been forever. Yes.

Oh. Right.

The driver was having
trouble breathing,

and he slumped over,
and all of a sudden,

we were upside down.

Is he dead?

Sometimes
the consequences of breaking rules

not only punish you,
but punish others.

Can I help you?

I don't know what I want yet.

Take your time.

Okay. I'm going on break.

Don't inhale.

Have you decided yet, ma'am?

I really have no idea.

Well, you've got your ice cream,
cup or cone, milkshakes,

smoothies and lemonade.

What do you like?

Just the lemonade.

Lemonade it is. No ice.

$2.50.

In ninth grade, I knew this kid, Marty Oben,
who ate eight banana splits in one sitting.

Not a pretty sight.

I think I heard that story once.

It's sad about this kid, Hudson.

Did you know him?

Yeah, we go to the same high school.

Oh, so you're buddies?

Kind of.

What kind of buddies?

-Um...
-Oh, that kind.

-Don't tell anyone.
-Why? No one knows?

I don't have any friends.

Well, then you should be
at the hospital with him.

I tried. Didn't really go so well.
His real girlfriend gave me the boot.

Well, what if he dies and
you never get to say goodbye?

You'd have to live with that forever.

I'm used to it.

Don't let his friends give you shit.
Don't be a wuss. Tell 'em to fuck off.

It's not that. It's just that

I don't want them
to think of him that way.

That he would be
with someone like me.

If he dies, then I don't need to
mess up their idea of who he was.

If he lives, then whatever.

Shit.

I gotta go.

What's that for?

Cab money.

To get to the hospital. On me.

Thanks.

Can't you give him
something for the pain, please?

-We've given him all we can.
-It's not working.

He's in agony. Please.

Shit.

WOMAN ON PA:
Nursing supervisor to seven west.

Oh, sorry.

Nursing supervisor
to seven west.

Who the fuck are you,
and why do you keep following me?

Look, it's complicated.

I've got time.

This is a really bad idea,
you riding with me.

-I could jump out.
-What, are you crazy?

-Okay!
-Tell me who you are, or I'm out of here.

Okay! Okay! I'm George Lass.

-That's not funny.
-All right, when you were three,

I knocked your front teeth out
with a croquet ball.

When you were seven,
I burned your Barbie dolls.

When you were 10,

I swore I'd never talk to you again,

and when I was 18,
I kept that promise.

I think I'm gonna puke.

Do it out the window.
I just detailed the car.

Sorry I sprayed on you.

Ah, these shoes suck anyway.

-Do not. They're cool.
-What size are you?

-Eight, eight and a half.
-They're yours.

In elementary school, Mom made
me wear your hand-me-downs.

That's right. Every time
she would go into the attic,

you knew what
she was coming down with.

A box of my old shit.

I hated them. But...

You don't have to take them
if you don't want them.

I don't care.

But when you died,
she didn't give me your stuff anymore,

even when I begged her.

You know, I got a nice pair of fuck-me
pumps back at home if you want them.

They kind of squish my baby toe.

Mom would be so pissed.

It's against the rules
in her grieving book.

Yeah, never let your living kid
wear your dead kid's stilettos.

Word for word.

That's cool, Mom wrote a book.

I don't think she really had a choice.

It was either that, or go crazy.

What about you?

Think it's pretty obvious
what choice I made.

You're not crazy, Reggie.

And you're not real, George.

And there I was,
haunted by Rube's mantra.

I couldn't have it both ways.

If Reggie was going to
get her dead sister back,

she would have to let go
of her grip on reality.

Delores, what happened?
Is Murray dead?

No.

No. Amy is suing
Happy Time for harassment.

-Why?
-Well, that's what I'm here to ask you.

Legal called me on my cell

when Murray and I were
halfway up Mount St. Helens.

Oh, Delores, I'm sorry.

I trusted you, Millie.

And you let me down.

So, until this matter is resolved,
I have no choice but to let you go.

Millie, you're fired.

Surprise.

Who is this?

I don't know.

Just because you're dead

doesn't mean that
I can't move in with you.

And just because
I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have

a splitting headache.

Come on, George.

Reggie,
you have to go home.

For Christ sakes, you're 16!

You have your whole life
ahead of you. Go home.

No! I can't talk to Mom.

Well, that's one thing you and
I will always have in common.

So, talk to the old man.

Dad moved. He has a new family.

Reggie.

I'm a grim reaper.

I'm way past
slumber parties and pillow fights.

-You wouldn't be happy.
-I'm not 11 anymore.

And I've lived the past
five years without you.

I guess I don't really
need you now, either.

You're right.

I never really did anything
nice for you when I was alive.

Why would you
think I would now?

-Because you owe me.
-Nice try.

Because you love me.

Okay.

Can I drive?

Yeah, why not?

Where the hell is George?

Having texting issues.

I am, too.

Fucking Cameron!

We can't blame
the man for everything.

It's not like we didn't
buy into this bullshit.

Yeah, well, the fish
stinks from the head.

And all the dead bodies.

So, what are we gonna
do about it, then?

Go above his head.
Upper management.

Do you want to talk into
the microphone any louder, Roxy?

You're paranoid, moron.

W-W-R-D?

Oh, I love that show.

That Loni Anderson.

What a beautiful pair
of boom-booms she had.

What would Rube do? You stupid idiot.

Oh, yeah. What would Rube...

Yeah, that's good. Well, first
of all, he'd probably eat a pie.

Then he'd slurpy slurp
his coffee really loudly.

Then he'd abuse me
in some way or another.

Then he'd figure out a way
to kick Cameron's little ass.

This is only gonna get worse.
Do you understand this?

Ugh.

Not

if we don't let it.

All right. Let's make this quick.

I've got a hedge fund
meeting in Hong Kong.

Always had a weakness for
volatility, risk and easy women.

-What about our reaps?
-What about them?

You can't just
leave us hanging.

-Rube wouldn't do that.
-Rube was a fucking idiot.

And the way you losers bought into

his fire and brimstone
bullshit is beyond me.

-Oh, fuck you, Cameron.
-No, thanks, Daisy.

I've been there, and I've done that.

Although I do agree with Rube on
the old cause-and-effect chaos theory.

You drop a pebble in the ocean,
creating a tiny wave,

eventually it turns into a tsunami

ripping through Indonesia,
killing thousands.

Or not.

Perhaps a drunken performance,

a moronic liquor-store robbery,

a selfish heroic act, a delayed reap,

can create genocide in the Sudan.

And you, my friends,

were the pebbles.

I dropped you in, and one by one,
you fucked up,

creating a wave which, frankly,

I'm too bored to ride.

So this is just a game to you?

Oh, we're all players.

You're evil!

Yeah, I must admit I'm getting
a little bit fed up with you,

you little prick.

You, Mason, are a sad, sad little clown.

-Watch it.
-Ooh, scary words

from the passive-aggressive
ex-meter maid.

There's nothing passive
with my aggression.

Asshole.

-We have to get rid of him.
-Yeah. Yeah, we have to get rid of him.

We have to kill him.

-Let's kill him. Let's kill him.
-Kill him?

How do you kill
someone who's already dead?

I don't know. How do you kill
somebody who's already dead?

How do...
How do...

I'm thinking.

I'm dead, and I was frightened.

Do you think we should leave a note?

No way. Part of being dead
is having a very high deductible.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Yeah.

And if Jennifer doesn't like it,
she can blow me.

Uh, hi.

Um, you don't know me...

Reg?

Reggie Lass.

-This is my sister.
-Millie.

I'm not really her sister.

I'm part of the Big Sister program.
We mentor.

He asked for you.

-He did?
-Last night.

He talked. A couple of words.

We thought Reg would be a boy.

But the way he said your name,

well, it was pretty clear
that you were a girl.

Sorry.

We'll just step outside
and give you some privacy.

Stay close.

I mean, in case he wakes up.

Talk to him. Hold his hand.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry, Hudson.

I never should have let them
keep me away from you.

Reggie, I have to do my job.

You're not doing it.

I have to, Reggie.

But he asked his parents for me.

He asked for me, George.

I know.

He can't die.

Please don't take him away from me.

Please.

I have no choice, Reggie.

But I love him.

Reggie, I'm sorry.

What happened? Is Reggie okay?

I don't know.

His heart.

Oh, my God.

Clear.

Where did she go?

Where you can't follow.

Bullshit.

Clear.

Wait.

I've gotta find her.

Trust me, this won't turn out
well for either one of you.

I love her.

I know.

Tell her...

Tell her that I'm sorry
I kept her a secret.

I will.

Hudson, Hudson, Hudson...

Reggie, wait! Wait!

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Then why are we going
85 miles an hour?

Because you're dead,
Hudson's dead...

But, Reggie, you have your
whole life ahead of you.

It sounds like a line
of Mom's bullshit.

You're right.
But if you're gonna die,

you're not gonna
do it at this speed.

Whoo!

Yeah! Look what
this baby can do!

You know what? I'm on your side.

Let's try to hit 120.

Stop it. You're hurting my foot.

Oh, you have no idea.
You've never been reaped.

Well, you see that wall out there?

When you hit it, it's gonna
really hurt, so be ready for that.

-Stop it!
-This is gonna get really messy.

Stop it! We're gonna crash!

Oh, I thought that's
what you wanted.

I don't want to die!

Take it from me,

you're gonna die eventually,
so why speed up the process?

Thanks a lot.

What I'm saying is

it's none of my business
when or how you die.

But know that
it is gonna happen,

and until then,
you have a lot to do.

Be adventurous, but not reckless.

You sound like Mom.

Fall in love again,
but not with some dickhead.

Stay in school. Have a big career.

Get married. Have a lot of kids.

Come 90 years old,
then a crazy old lady.

And scare the shit out
of the kids on Halloween.

It's hard to imagine.

Not for me.

Reggie,

I can't see you anymore.

I know.

I'm just tired of keeping so many secrets.

Then don't.

I love you.

Now you really sound like Mom.

When I was a little girl,

I thought there was
a clock in my heart.

That it had these little hands.

I wish someone had told me
how easily those hands were broken,

how quickly the clock would stop.

I wouldn't have pretended
I was invisible.

I would have paid
more attention to people.

To time.

I would have paid more
attention to everything.

If you think I'm going gently to that
good night, then go fuck yourself!

Ain't nothing gentle
about this, asshole.

I thought silver bullets
were meant for werewolves.

What now?

I'm thinking.

How long's it been?
About one bottle's worth.

Top me off then, darling, will you?

Think he's gone?

Christ, this is getting boring.

-What now?
-I'm thinking.

-I'm not convinced.
-Neither am I.

Neither am I.

Guys, can we stop
fucking around now?

Was she upset?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't think so.

You know, Reggie's pretty stoic.

Except she was upset
about this boy at school.

He'd... He'd had a bad accident.

You're an idiot.

Excuse me?

Not you. Me.

Murray, now you get to play
with Shadow and Snowball.

And JD and Junior.

Oh, and that meanie Stella.
Give her a swat for me, will you?

Meanest cat I ever had.

Will you come with me
to dispose of the ashes?

Anything you need, Delores.

Morning.

Hey.

You are so consistently inconsistent.

Actually, I'm just the opposite.

Well, either way,

you always end up here.

Would have been
considerate if you'd left a note.

I don't think you do that
when you run away.

Is that what this is?

Maybe.

Five years.

Like a blur.

Not for me.

And what exactly are these annual
maintenance fees used for, huh?

I'm never coming back here again.

Reggie.

Come on, it's your sister's grave.

Except George isn't in it.

I always knew that she was around.

And yesterday I met her.

Really?

Yeah.

Except her name was Millie,
and she's a grim reaper

who works at Happy Time
and who takes people's souls

before they die.

So, this is about the boy.

Look, I have a picture.

-That isn't George.
-That's because it's Millie.

You'd like her.
She's nicer than George.

-Stop it.
-I'm not crazy!

God, I can't stay here any longer.

Do you think I'm a fan of cemeteries?

You say in your book that the
hardest part of grieving is letting go.

This town is death for the both of us.

I think you're having a nervous breakdown.

Can I have it in California?

What?

I'm sorry I grabbed you.

It's okay.

Maybe we should take a vacation.

A road trip.

-As long as we share the driving.
-Okay, now I know you're crazy.

Why did you guys tell me Cameron
wanted chocolate and graham crackers?

Because he already
had marshmallows.

-What did I miss?
-Cameron's farewell party.

Oh, Mason, be a dear and
throw another leg on the fire.

He's finished now.

He's gotta be.

We can't do anything else.

Oh, yes, we can.

Who would have
thought such a small creature

could fill something this size?

Well, Murray had a big heart.

And Cameron was a big ass.

Silver-plated? Oh, Millie.

This must have set you
back a pretty penny.

A whole unemployment check.

I'm so sorry about all of that.

No apologies necessary.
It was my fault.

-Poor judgment.
-You're only human.

-You think?
-As is Amy.

Legal got back to me
about her lawsuit.

Turns out she's pulled this stunt

in the workplace before,
litigious little weasel.

-So I'm back?
-If you can forgive me.

-Corner office.
-Done.

This is Murray Herbig.

DELORES: "My dear, sweet Murray,

"though you've slipped
through death's slim door,

"I declare you were not just a cat.

"You were so much more.

"You were my companion.

"My pal. My friend.

"You were there with me,

"loving me, until the end.

"Dear one, always patient, never mean.

"You were the best
little kitty we'd ever seen.

"Eyes of amber,

"silver whiskers, oh, so tickly.

"That rough little tongue

"and the way you licked me.

"Time is fleeting.

"A life passes so quickly.

"Comforting me in my dark hours,

"you always reminded me,
'Stop to smell the flowers. '

"When we meet across
that great divide,

"we'll run and play,

"and we'll abide in cool pastures.

"Your loud purr will welcome me

"where we'll laugh

"and cuddle

"and forever be free. "

MAN: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

So, who's in charge now?

Have to wait to hear
from upper management.

What should we do?

I'm thinking waffles.

Hey, did you pack your pillow?

I guess the clock
in my heart is still ticking.

I mean, I'm still here.

I must be clinging to something.

I just wish I knew what it was.