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1
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,891
[cheers and applause]
2
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,190
All right, thank you!
3
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,112
Thank you very much!
4
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:27,611
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
How are you?
5
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,954
What's going on?
6
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,370
Thank you.
7
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:35,118
It's a pleasure to be here
8
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:40,502
in the greater Atlanta, Georgia,
area, this oasis.
9
00:00:42,542 --> 00:00:45,132
It's nice to be here. I don't know
why I came here in June.
10
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:48,592
It's nice to be here.
Wasn't thinking.
11
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:54,640
Fucking ridiculously hot out there.
Just miserable, horrible.
12
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:58,021
That kind of heat, you understand
the racism down here, ya know?
13
00:00:58,100 --> 00:01:01,310
I get it. How would you
get along with anybody?
14
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:05,645
"Look at 'em just over there,
drinkin' a cold drink!
15
00:01:08,110 --> 00:01:10,240
Lemonade was made
for the white man!"
16
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,744
So...
17
00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:19,998
What the hell have I been doing
with my life? Trying to get in shape, man.
18
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,500
But I hate going to the gym, so I
decided I'd go veggie twice a week.
19
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,924
It's brutal.
20
00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:28,172
I can only make it till about 5:00.
21
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:31,505
Five o'clock, that's what I realized
about myself, you know that?
22
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:37,391
Something has to die every day
in order for me to live.
23
00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:41,305
Something's got to get
its beak chopped off,
24
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:43,193
its feathers yanked,
25
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:47,480
uppercut to its jaw,
just in order for me to survive.
26
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:51,276
I'm trying! Couscous and all that shit.
27
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,039
It's awful.
28
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:02,118
I saw this thing, though.
They said if everybody went vegan,
29
00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:05,375
if everybody went vegan or vegetarian,
whatever the hell they said.
30
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,539
One of those "V" ones, right?
31
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:10,508
They said it'll be great
for the environment, you know.
32
00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:14,219
I guess there's all this cattle
standing around, and when they fart,
33
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:17,511
the gas goes up in the atmosphere
and causes something.
34
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:19,306
Right?
35
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,642
They're always doing that shit.
36
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:26,476
You know, "If everybody
went vegan, the air would be--
37
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,443
If everybody drove an electric car,
38
00:02:28,523 --> 00:02:32,403
if everybody just had
some snowshoes on."
39
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,356
Right? They just won't
come out and say it.
40
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:40,827
Nobody has the balls to come out and just
say, "Look, 85% of you have to go."
41
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:46,292
- That's it! That is it.
- [cheering and applause]
42
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:49,535
I have been bitching
about the population problem
43
00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,838
for three specials in a row.
44
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,427
Waiting...
45
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:59,429
for some politician to have
the balls to bring it up,
46
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,473
but they won't do it,
they won't do it.
47
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:04,266
We live in a democracy. Right?
48
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:08,271
Can't be honest in a democracy.
You need the votes.
49
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:11,645
You can't run
with that as your platform.
50
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,403
Coming out there:
"And if elected,
51
00:03:14,486 --> 00:03:16,486
I would implement a program
52
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:20,871
to immediately eliminate
at least 85% of you!
53
00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:26,124
This planet cannot sustain
the sheer numbers--
54
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,576
Let me finish!
55
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,665
This will not be arbitrary.
56
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:36,634
Under your seats
is a multiple choice questionnaire!
57
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,347
If you did not bring a pencil,
you're already out!"
58
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,389
You can't do that.
59
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:46,314
You got to be nice.
60
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:49,403
You got to be fuckin' nice,
especially this day and age.
61
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:52,819
Everybody getting in trouble,
all these goddamn groups out there,
62
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:55,609
bitch, moaning and complaining
anytime anybody says anything.
63
00:03:55,694 --> 00:03:57,904
"We're part of a group, eh."
64
00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,738
You gotta apologize.
65
00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:03,583
"I'm sorry to people
who own Shar Peis.
66
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:08,540
I didn't mean to say
that it's an ugly-ass dog, nah."
67
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,293
Right?
68
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,835
Fuck you and your group.
What about that?
69
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,669
What do you got,
two million people in your group?
70
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:20,386
There's 400 million in this country.
Nobody gives a shit.
71
00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,639
Right?
72
00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,601
Who the fuck joins a group?
73
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,689
"I'm gonna join a group,
that's what I'm gonna do today."
74
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:32,809
Go to meetings.
What kind of a fucking loser, right?
75
00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:39,534
That's the same way I look at people
who got upset about,
76
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,413
you know, Michael Sam,
the gay football player
77
00:04:42,491 --> 00:04:44,581
kissing his boyfriend
when he got drafted.
78
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,409
Everybody bitch,
moaning and complaining.
79
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:51,365
It's like, dude, that's what you
get for watching the draft, all right?
80
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:56,338
Now once again,
what kind of a fucking loser
81
00:04:56,421 --> 00:05:00,381
just sits there watching
round after round?
82
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,547
"The Jets are up next.
83
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,546
I think they need a quarterback.
84
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:08,928
They need to improve
their defensive line."
85
00:05:09,017 --> 00:05:12,807
Dude, that's like going
to a graduation ceremony
86
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,356
where you don't know
anybody who's graduating.
87
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,280
You're just fucking sitting there.
88
00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,899
They're gonna have
the whole list the next day.
89
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:23,406
They'll have everybody.
Who drafted who, when.
90
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:26,580
Fucking got to sit there
and watch that shit.
91
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,790
Those stupid interviews.
92
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:32,620
"Yeah, you're a member of
the Buffalo Bills. How does it feel?"
93
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:37,337
"Well, you know, it's a blessing.
I want to thank God.
94
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:40,340
Gonna try to do my best,
it's a great organization,
95
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:43,643
and the same shit the last
80 guys said. So, yeah."
96
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:47,595
Yeah.
97
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:50,811
I'm glad he kissed him.
He should have fuckin' blown him.
98
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:52,022
Yeah!
99
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:56,482
With birthday cake in his mouth
and a Santa Claus hat on his head,
100
00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,605
just to ruin the entire year.
101
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:03,663
Holding a flag. That fucks up Flag Day.
You'll keep thinking about it.
102
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:08,620
Yeah.
103
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,952
Fucking stupid-ass groups.
104
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:14,617
People apologizing to 'em
like they have some sort of power.
105
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,628
Look, if you're being a dick, apologize.
106
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,920
But other than that,
yeah, go fuck yourself. Yeah.
107
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,465
[cheers and applause]
108
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:26,759
Everybody getting in trouble,
like a bunch of children.
109
00:06:26,845 --> 00:06:31,635
I was doing a gig in Dallas, and some
waitress wrote on a piece of chalkboard.
110
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:36,305
She goes, "We like our beer the way
we like our violence, domestic."
111
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,806
Right?
112
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:42,397
Now I got to tell you something.
That's a great fucking joke!
113
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:46,485
There is zero fat on that.
You need every word of that joke.
114
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,873
You take one word out,
it doesn't work.
115
00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:52,660
It's a perfect joke.
So whatever, nobody gives a shit.
116
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:56,416
One person comes in, they don't like it,
they ask the manager to take it down.
117
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,999
He's just like,
"That's our sense of humor here.
118
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:02,665
Have a beer, go fuck yourself.
That's what we're doing."
119
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,683
She takes a picture of it,
puts it on Facebook.
120
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:11,010
All of a sudden, people start complaining.
They fired the manager and the waitress.
121
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,887
Because of that. Yeah!
122
00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:16,944
I don't understand, like,
what do they think is gonna happen
123
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:19,770
if somebody reads that joke?
124
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,936
Like, you're some guy who would
never hit a woman, ya know.
125
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,525
Would never hit a woman.
You can't hit women. You honestly cannot.
126
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:31,034
You ever see how they fall?
They fall like toddlers, you know?
127
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:34,907
It's like they never fell in their life.
They never put their hands out.
128
00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:38,706
It's horrific to watch.
You can't hit them. Right?
129
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:44,006
So what are you telling me?
Somebody...
130
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:47,589
you're telling me someone
who never hit a woman
131
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:50,046
is gonna come walking in,
read that joke,
132
00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,716
you know, just be, "Wait a minute!"
133
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,676
[shouts angrily]
134
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,608
That's the dumbest shit.
135
00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:07,742
They have all kinds of signs out there
telling people not to hit women,
136
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,741
people still do it.
137
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,623
What do you think wife beaters
are doing when they drive home?
138
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,081
They're like so focused
on hitting their wife,
139
00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:17,751
they got blinders on,
they're not reading anything?
140
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:23,591
They don't see the
"Don't Hit Your Wife" billboard?
141
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,170
They're still gonna do it.
142
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,683
Did that get too weird for you guys?
143
00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:37,772
Did the church organs make that
fucked up like I was up here?
144
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,941
"Make a pledge for Jesus
and hit your women."
145
00:08:45,775 --> 00:08:47,855
Ever watch some of those
stupid religious shows?
146
00:08:47,944 --> 00:08:50,664
That fucking Joel Osteen,
you ever see that guy?
147
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:54,659
That guy is so full of shit, he doesn't
even open his eyes when he's talking.
148
00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:58,163
"Take a pledge for Jesus.
Are they still here?"
149
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,416
He doesn't even have
the nerve to open his eyes.
150
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,880
"You want some popsicles?
Jesus wants you to have some popsicles.
151
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,461
He wants you to have
those popsicles."
152
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,717
His fucking electric blue carpet.
153
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:16,056
Yeah, everybody's getting in trouble
'cause of these goddamn groups.
154
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:19,809
Look at the amount of old people
that got in trouble this year.
155
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,773
Old people get in trouble, right?
156
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:24,903
That older woman there
that makes the cookies
157
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:29,571
on the Food Network, right?
158
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,652
Yeah, Paula Deen.
She got in trouble,
159
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:35,988
'cause she had this slavery-themed
wedding or whatever the hell she did.
160
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:43,000
In defense of her, you know,
you want to have an original wedding.
161
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,543
There's not a lot
of themes left, you know?
162
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:49,127
You got to use the old imagination
if you're gonna
163
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:52,264
try to blow people away
with your creativity, right?
164
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:58,179
I'm actually gonna have a Holocaust-
themed pool party later on this summer.
165
00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,684
I am.
166
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:05,106
"Once everyone gets
in ze pool, ja."
167
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,739
"It was weird, it was like it was
offensive but like refreshing, you know?
168
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:17,912
I don't know, I don't know
how I feel about it."
169
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:23,956
Yeah, she got in trouble.
170
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:28,920
The old redneck on Duck Dynasty,
that dude got in trouble.
171
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:31,093
The owner of the Clippers
got in trouble.
172
00:10:31,172 --> 00:10:34,052
And I'm not saying what these people
did wasn't offensive.
173
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,724
I'm not sayin' that shit.
174
00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,182
What pissed me off was at no point
during all of these stories
175
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:41,223
did anybody
address their age, you know?
176
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:44,057
They're fucking old, you know?
177
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,314
What did you think they thought?
178
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:51,404
You never talked to a grandparent
and asked the wrong question
179
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,654
and all of a sudden,
it went down this crazy road?
180
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:57,986
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's get back
to the cookies, Grandma!
181
00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:01,954
Let's leave that shit
over here, what the fuck?"
182
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:05,327
Yeah, they're old.
183
00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:07,245
What did you think they thought?
184
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:10,173
I mean-- I'm gonna be honest with you.
185
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:14,513
People were too hard on that
Clippers guy, man, I'm telling you.
186
00:11:14,591 --> 00:11:20,011
For an 80-year-old white guy,
that wasn't that bad. All right?
187
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:22,966
Dude, he didn't drop
the "N" word once.
188
00:11:23,057 --> 00:11:25,977
That's unbelievable
for an 80-year-old white guy.
189
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:30,060
The "N" word should have been
carpet-bombed through that whole tape.
190
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,938
He never said it once!
191
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:36,201
If you go back and listen to that tape--
go back and listen to it.
192
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:39,239
Other than Instagram,
he's pretty fucking liberal.
193
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:44,366
He's like, "You can hang out with them,
you can have sex with them,
194
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:47,464
just don't promote it on Instagram."
195
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:53,415
Yeah, it was the weirdest,
most compartmentalized,
196
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:56,884
like, racism I ever heard in my life.
197
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,926
Something about Instagram,
I didn't get it.
198
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:01,850
Other than that,
he was wide open.
199
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:06,060
"You can make a snowman
with them, go to a water park,
200
00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:08,902
rub your bellies together,
201
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:12,268
just don't promote it on Instagram."
202
00:12:12,357 --> 00:12:13,777
"Hey, what about Facebook?"
203
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:16,988
"I don't give a fuck about Facebook!
204
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,910
Keep it off of Instagram!"
205
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,240
Yeah.
206
00:12:24,327 --> 00:12:28,037
Dude, you understand,
the guy is 80 years old.
207
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:31,962
Do the math.
This dude was born in 1934.
208
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:36,263
That's 13 years before Jackie Robinson
broke the color barrier.
209
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:40,389
First 12 and a half years of this guy's
life, he watched all-white baseball,
210
00:12:40,468 --> 00:12:41,678
and it was fine!
211
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:47,929
First 12 and a half years.
"Up next, Whitey Willoughby!
212
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:52,397
There's a line shot out
to Peter Peckerwood, what a catch!
213
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,320
Unbelievable,
in to Chris Cracker!
214
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,070
What a great day.
What a great day for a ballgame.
215
00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:01,663
White baseball, white players."
216
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:08,289
Dude, his parents were part of
the generation that finished off
217
00:13:08,371 --> 00:13:12,041
the genocide of
the Native Americans, all right?
218
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,995
That's who taught him his ABCs.
219
00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:18,915
You know?
"~ A, B, C, D, E... ~
220
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:22,217
Hey, get that savage off
my property!
221
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,301
Get out of here!
222
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,847
I thought we killed all you people!
223
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,139
Put a fence around them!
224
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,860
~ H, I, J, K... ~"
225
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,864
Yeah. What did you think
was gonna happen?
226
00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:45,244
The owner of the Clippers,
you know what his big crime was?
227
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,294
He lived too long.
228
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:52,577
He did. If he'd died around 1969, 1970,
nobody would have noticed.
229
00:13:54,042 --> 00:13:57,842
Dude, look at Walt Disney,
Walt Disney was a known anti-Semite.
230
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:00,970
But he died in the early '70s.
Nobody gives a shit.
231
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:04,929
Look at him, he's got a castle,
bunch of mice running around.
232
00:14:05,011 --> 00:14:07,101
Nobody cares.
233
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,020
This guy kept living.
234
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:12,385
Telling you, you can live too long.
235
00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:16,108
You can live too long,
I'm telling you.
236
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,939
You wear out your welcome.
237
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:23,648
I swear to God,
this fucking guy,
238
00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:26,028
I bet in the 1940's,
he was considered a hippie.
239
00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:27,325
You know?
240
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:30,158
Just walking around, "Hey,
you can hang out with 'em,
241
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:34,004
you can have sex
with 'em, man, you know?"
242
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:35,672
His dad's getting all pissed off:
243
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,790
"Let me tell you something, see?
You stay with your own!
244
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:38,997
You stay with your own."
245
00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:44,258
That's true, though.
246
00:14:44,342 --> 00:14:49,012
Life can pass you by. It happens.
You just keep living and living.
247
00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:52,017
Basically, I think you got,
like, 25, 30 years
248
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:56,310
to absorb as much as you can,
and then that's it, that's all you know.
249
00:14:56,396 --> 00:15:00,186
'Cause right around then,
you get married, and it's over, right?
250
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:03,244
You have a couple of kids,
you're sucked in the bubble.
251
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:06,909
You don't have time to pay attention
to what's going on out in the world.
252
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,409
You're stuck with these kids.
"It's shitting all over the place!
253
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,872
Don't be a serial killer!
Don't touch that!"
254
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:13,753
You're just stuck in that.
255
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:18,040
You have three, four kids,
that is a 25-year sentence,
256
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:20,036
trying to get them
all through college.
257
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:23,208
Society just keeps fucking going.
258
00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:26,127
You get the last one through college,
step back out of the bubble--
259
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,391
You don't know what happened.
You're not even paying attention.
260
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:33,392
You go back to your
old record collection.
261
00:15:33,474 --> 00:15:36,484
[scatting]
262
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:43,072
Someone sticks a mike in your face,
you're gonna get in trouble.
263
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:50,407
Yeah. It's one of the sad
things about life.
264
00:15:50,491 --> 00:15:53,911
You get old and it passes you by.
I feel it passing me by.
265
00:15:53,995 --> 00:15:57,915
I'm 46 years old. I don't even have kids,
but I can't keep up anymore.
266
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,249
I had a college gig coming up,
267
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:02,093
I was like, I gotta figure out
what these kids are into.
268
00:16:02,170 --> 00:16:05,340
I was 24 when a senior was born.
269
00:16:05,423 --> 00:16:07,093
I got to figure out
what these dudes are into,
270
00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:11,095
so I guess they're into like,
this like DJ music or some shit,
271
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:13,969
so I'm like, all right,
I'll watch some of this.
272
00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,476
You know?
273
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:19,268
So I have like a reference or two.
274
00:16:19,353 --> 00:16:21,313
I don't want to be that
old comic coming to the gig
275
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,187
being like, "What's up
with this Monica Lewinsky?
276
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:29,614
Is this crazy? I mean, this Y2K--
Is my stylus gonna work? I don't know."
277
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:36,120
So I put this shit on.
Dude, I lasted 90 seconds.
278
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:38,964
Ninety seconds. I was open-minded.
"All right, put it on!"
279
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,750
Ninety seconds later,
I'm like this old man.
280
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:45,383
"Ah, this isn't music!"
You know?
281
00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,263
"When I was a kid, you dressed like
a woman and you sung about the devil.
282
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,182
Now, that was music!
283
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:58,271
And you had one ballad every album,
started off in black and white
284
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,191
and when the guitar solo came in,
it went to color.
285
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:02,810
Yeah, that was music."
286
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,148
Yeah.
287
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,235
All of this shit's passing me by.
288
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,410
I'll get in trouble later on in my life.
Transgender athletes?
289
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:16,081
I don't fucking understand
that, you know?
290
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:21,370
I understand, you want to switch around,
I don't give a shit, but I'm a sports fan.
291
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:25,497
That's a really new concept to me,
that you can be a dude, right?
292
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,376
Ranked 80th in the fucking world.
293
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:30,093
You have your dick cut off,
you put on a sports bra,
294
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,184
and now you're the #1
tennis player in the world,
295
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,550
just coming out there
with your man shoulders.
296
00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:38,387
[grunting]
297
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:41,444
That doesn't seem fair.
I might be wrong.
298
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:44,269
I might just be an old guy,
I have no idea.
299
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:49,280
But I'm hearing rumors like some
of them are getting into that MMA.
300
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,530
You can't have that shit.
301
00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,032
Am I nuts?
302
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:56,084
That is a dickless dude
beating the shit out of a woman.
303
00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:02,423
Jesus Christ! He might as well hit her
with his discarded dick like a flashlight.
304
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:06,538
"Hold still!"
305
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,457
"Her ground and pound is incredible."
306
00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,629
Yeah.
307
00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:15,467
I'm not saying these people are right,
and I'm not saying that I'm right.
308
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,933
I know I'm a fucking moron,
ya know.
309
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:23,482
But that Duck Dynasty guy--
I know what he said was wrong,
310
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:26,231
but I don't get the shock.
311
00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:29,654
Said that homophobic stuff,
and people are like, "Can you believe?"
312
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,404
Yeah, I totally can believe it.
313
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:37,866
If I was in Vegas, I would have put 90%
of my shit on that he was gonna say it.
314
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,620
I'd give him a 10% benefit
of the doubt just in case.
315
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:47,253
Are you seriously shocked some
redneck with a beard down to his dick
316
00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:52,165
sitting in a boat in the middle
of a swamp shooting varmints?
317
00:18:52,256 --> 00:18:54,586
Like, what did you
think he thought?
318
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:59,755
Did you think he had some progressive
ideas on same-sex marriage?
319
00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:02,217
[cheers and applause]
320
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,268
Yeah.
321
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:06,102
Didn't he think...
322
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:08,357
Didn't he think
exactly what you thought...
323
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:09,729
he thought, you know?
324
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:14,109
You know what kills me too?
That fuckin' kinda shit,
325
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,485
that homophobic stuff, that
all comes from the church, man.
326
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:17,992
Doesn't it come from that shit?
327
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:19,664
There's something in there.
328
00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:21,792
I never read the Book, all right?
329
00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,789
I tried to.
They need to fucking update it.
330
00:19:24,872 --> 00:19:28,292
They update iTunes
every fuckin' six days.
331
00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:31,296
Can we update the language
and make it a little more
332
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:34,299
user friendlieth...
for someone like me?
333
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:35,632
Right?
334
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:41,260
That's where he gets
all those fucking ideas.
335
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:44,727
That Duck Dynasty guy,
it's not his fault that he went to--
336
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:48,149
He went to Sunday School
in like 1949, you know?
337
00:19:49,772 --> 00:19:51,522
I think all of that shit
comes from the church.
338
00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:52,687
They just fuckin' brainwash you.
339
00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:56,315
You know? Don't clap, don't clap,
I don't read, I don't read.
340
00:19:56,404 --> 00:19:57,574
Follow someone else.
341
00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:03,330
I'm telling you,
they brainwash you.
342
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:06,831
Come into the church, your brain's all
empty, they fill it like a jelly donut.
343
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,214
[making squishing sounds]
344
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:14,841
Just brainwash you.
"~ Say what we say when we say it ~
345
00:20:14,922 --> 00:20:18,802
~ Say it again, then you can
go home to your toys ~"
346
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,474
"~ All right, I'll say it ~
347
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,604
~ I'll say it again ~
348
00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:26,351
~ Now can I go home to my toys? ~"
349
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:30,864
Right? And you repeat
everything they say.
350
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:34,358
The good, the bad,
and the fucking horrific.
351
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,032
They stick a star
on your forehead.
352
00:20:36,110 --> 00:20:37,360
"You're a big boy."
353
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,695
"Looks like people like me!"
354
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,530
You get on with your life.
355
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,365
You go to college, you get
a master's degree in English
356
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,462
like this redneck dude had,
he invents the new duck whistle
357
00:20:47,538 --> 00:20:49,458
or whatever the hell
you call it, right.
358
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:50,710
Yours goes, "Whack whack!"
359
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,881
Mine goes,
"Whack-a-fuckin'-whack!"
360
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:59,844
Dude makes a zillion bucks,
gets his own TV show, he's loving life.
361
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:02,965
And out of nowhere,
here comes that same question
362
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:05,683
sixty years later from Sunday School,
363
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:08,515
and he stands up like
the Manchurian Candidate.
364
00:21:10,394 --> 00:21:15,784
"Jesus liked hookers and lepers,
doesn't like the queers."
365
00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:18,858
And everybody freaks
the fuck out, and he's like,
366
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,534
"That's what they said!"
367
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:24,493
And they're all dead.
"Oh, where'd everybody go?
368
00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:26,655
I thought I was a good boy!"
369
00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:31,504
He's just this scared old man
getting yelled at in a boat.
370
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,674
I don't understand.
371
00:21:36,754 --> 00:21:40,724
I don't understand
why a group like GLAAD, right?
372
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,760
I always forget,
it's Gay Lesbian A...
373
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:45,603
whatever the fuck
it stands for, all right?
374
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:48,559
Why do they go after
the old guy in the boat?
375
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:51,601
Why don't they go after the people
writing the Book? Right?
376
00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:57,315
"Hey, could you please teareth outeth
those coupleth of pages?"
377
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:00,609
They're not gonna do that. That's
the Vatican. They're their own city.
378
00:22:00,694 --> 00:22:02,034
They got a wall around their own city.
379
00:22:02,112 --> 00:22:05,032
They're brushing off cases
of pedophilia like it's nothing.
380
00:22:06,367 --> 00:22:07,737
They're not taking that call.
381
00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,947
"Oh, what happened?
Really? Go fuck yourself."
382
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:12,407
Click. They don't care.
383
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:15,578
[applause]
384
00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:20,708
I learned a long time ago, I think
whatever you're into, you're into,
385
00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:23,298
but I'm not into that
religious stuff where--
386
00:22:23,384 --> 00:22:25,844
And this is why. I actually
walked away from my religion.
387
00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:29,558
I had to be honest with myself.
One, I didn't like to go--
388
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:32,480
I didn't like going to church
every week, you know?
389
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,810
I just didn't.
Part of it was I'm lazy.
390
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:36,805
I don't like getting up on Sundays,
391
00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:40,477
and the other part was
I already heard all the stories, okay?
392
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:43,648
Heard them three, four times,
the Dude hasn't come back yet.
393
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:47,827
You know, we're just sort of mulching
over the same shit here, I got it.
394
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,908
- Right?
- [cheers and applause]
395
00:22:49,994 --> 00:22:52,664
And the other aspect was,
you know, I actually--
396
00:22:52,746 --> 00:22:54,576
I had to be honest with myself.
397
00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:58,165
I felt my religion made sense
and everybody else's sounded stupid.
398
00:22:58,252 --> 00:22:59,712
[cackles]
399
00:22:59,795 --> 00:23:01,125
I did.
400
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:03,883
Look, I'm not talking
about the basis of every religion.
401
00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:07,506
Basis of every religion makes sense,
you know, the Ten Commandments.
402
00:23:07,595 --> 00:23:08,845
Don't kill anybody.
403
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:11,719
Don't touch my wife.
That's my bike. Right?
404
00:23:12,975 --> 00:23:15,345
That all makes sense.
405
00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:18,516
Of which, I've broken,
I think I've broken just about
406
00:23:18,606 --> 00:23:21,526
every commandment
except for the fifth one, that's it.
407
00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:24,069
I haven't killed
anybody yet, right?
408
00:23:24,153 --> 00:23:27,993
But the murderous thoughts that
I have sometimes, I think I could do it.
409
00:23:30,451 --> 00:23:33,541
Like when someone gets on a plane
and they kick off their loafers,
410
00:23:33,621 --> 00:23:36,461
and they're wearing those gold-toed,
like, dress socks,
411
00:23:36,540 --> 00:23:38,500
and they cross their feet
at the ankles,
412
00:23:38,584 --> 00:23:40,884
and they just start
rubbing their feet together.
413
00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:44,801
Like, I see the whole thing,
see the whole thing.
414
00:23:44,882 --> 00:23:46,722
Wrapping that sock.
415
00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:51,512
Shh... Shh... Shh...
416
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:54,892
Right?
417
00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:57,095
See the whole thing, so we'll see.
418
00:23:58,896 --> 00:24:01,016
Still early on, right?
419
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,566
But just the stories
of how we got here,
420
00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:06,401
and where we're going,
and what happens after we die,
421
00:24:06,487 --> 00:24:08,857
everybody else's religion
sounded stupid, you know?
422
00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:10,117
Like, I live out in Los Angeles,
423
00:24:10,199 --> 00:24:12,789
there's a bunch of
Scientologists out there,
424
00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:15,448
and the first time I heard
the story of Scientology,
425
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:20,957
I was like, "That is the dumbest shit
I have ever heard in my life."
426
00:24:21,043 --> 00:24:22,253
[man] Yeah!
427
00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:24,666
Like, your guy's name is Ron?
428
00:24:25,923 --> 00:24:27,803
Ron!
429
00:24:27,883 --> 00:24:30,513
And he wasn't alive
thousands of years ago,
430
00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:32,144
so you can hide
a lot of it in the mystery.
431
00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:35,431
This guy was alive,
like, 45, 50 years ago.
432
00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:39,806
He had a driver's license,
Social Security number.
433
00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:43,355
There's like footage of him stubbing
his toe. "Motherfucker!" Right?
434
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:49,242
I know what happened. He was
working at Denny's, he got sick of it.
435
00:24:49,321 --> 00:24:53,781
"I'll start a religion. Hey, everybody,
there's this spaceship coming back.
436
00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:57,447
Everybody's getting sneakers.
This is Tom Cruise.
437
00:24:57,538 --> 00:25:00,788
We're gonna try
to make you clear, right?"
438
00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:04,804
Look, I'm paraphrasing,
I'm paraphrasing.
439
00:25:04,878 --> 00:25:07,458
To be fair to the Scientologists,
I am paraphrasing,
440
00:25:07,548 --> 00:25:11,178
but that's essentially
what they believe in.
441
00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:16,144
And I said that is the dumbest shit
I ever heard
442
00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:18,143
while simultaneously
still kind of believing
443
00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:20,135
that a woman
who never got fucked
444
00:25:20,227 --> 00:25:24,567
had a baby that walked on water, died,
and came back three days later. So...
445
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:27,653
Yeah.
446
00:25:27,735 --> 00:25:30,815
That made total sense to me.
447
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:32,954
So it just hit me one day, I was like,
448
00:25:33,031 --> 00:25:36,871
why does that make sense
and that shit doesn't, you know?
449
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:40,662
They got a spaceship
in theirs, you know? We-- right?
450
00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:43,288
We got the space shuttle,
you know? There's sneakers.
451
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:45,915
There's a lot of shit
I can relate to in this.
452
00:25:48,589 --> 00:25:50,759
Why does that sound
so dumb to me?
453
00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:53,389
You know what it is?
454
00:25:53,469 --> 00:25:55,639
I think it's 'cause I heard
their story when I was an adult.
455
00:25:57,014 --> 00:25:59,854
I heard my story when I was
four years old, right?
456
00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:02,273
When I heard my story,
there was still some fat fuck
457
00:26:02,352 --> 00:26:05,022
coming down the chimney,
giving me Christmas toys.
458
00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:09,025
If I lost a tooth, there was a fairy.
There was the Easter Bunny.
459
00:26:09,109 --> 00:26:12,779
Why wouldn't there be some bearded baby
moonwalking across the lake?
460
00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:18,907
Throwing out bottomless buckets
of shrimp or whatever He did?
461
00:26:20,746 --> 00:26:22,206
Of course that made sense.
462
00:26:23,665 --> 00:26:28,335
What happened was, as I got older,
all of that stuff started to fall, right?
463
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:32,550
"Ah, son, there is no fat fuck,
it's your mother and I.
464
00:26:32,633 --> 00:26:35,843
Your mom's the Tooth Fairy,
rabbits don't have eggs,
465
00:26:35,928 --> 00:26:40,098
her tits are fake, the NBA is fixed!
Bankers are cunts!
466
00:26:40,182 --> 00:26:42,642
Most of your dreams
won't come true!"
467
00:26:42,726 --> 00:26:44,056
Right?
468
00:26:45,145 --> 00:26:49,525
And I was just like, "Wow,
this is how the world is."
469
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:51,938
And meanwhile
this shit was just floating,
470
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:55,737
this 800-pound gorilla
of this fucking story.
471
00:26:55,823 --> 00:26:58,783
I just had to make a decision,
what am I gonna do?
472
00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:02,287
What am I gonna do with this?
Am I gonna cling to it, be that person?
473
00:27:02,371 --> 00:27:06,581
"That's very offensive to me
and other Christians and..."
474
00:27:06,667 --> 00:27:09,707
Become that douche? All right?
475
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:14,085
And be like the casual Christian, right,
with, like, one foot on base,
476
00:27:14,174 --> 00:27:17,894
just, "Yeah, I kind of go,
a couple of times a year,
477
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:21,350
and, like, if my parents
come to town,
478
00:27:21,431 --> 00:27:24,811
I act like I go all the time,
and I don't go anymore."
479
00:27:26,728 --> 00:27:29,608
Or my last option,
which was basically just,
480
00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:32,070
just let go of the shit, you know?
481
00:27:32,150 --> 00:27:33,690
Just let go.
482
00:27:33,777 --> 00:27:35,647
[cheers and applause]
483
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:39,657
Just let go of it like
that creepy moment in curling.
484
00:27:39,741 --> 00:27:41,201
You know.
485
00:27:42,786 --> 00:27:46,036
That moment where the shooter,
or whatever you call them,
486
00:27:46,123 --> 00:27:47,883
is just sliding with
that rock, right?
487
00:27:47,958 --> 00:27:50,838
Just let me do this right,
just sliding.
488
00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:55,972
And you think he's along
for the ride, the two of them,
489
00:27:56,049 --> 00:27:59,339
they're a team, and all of a sudden
out of nowhere he just goes fucking...
490
00:28:03,891 --> 00:28:07,481
That rock just keeps going,
this dude just stops.
491
00:28:10,147 --> 00:28:13,397
That's what I did with my religion.
I just let go of it.
492
00:28:13,483 --> 00:28:17,863
I didn't read a riot act to anybody,
I just let go of it.
493
00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:21,276
"And on the third day, He rose again
in fulfillment of the Scriptures..."
494
00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:27,164
I just floated away.
495
00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:30,457
[cheers and applause]
496
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:33,462
So now it's like,
I'm in this weird place
497
00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:36,965
where I'm not
in any religion right now.
498
00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:39,379
Unrestricted free agent.
499
00:28:39,468 --> 00:28:40,968
You know?
500
00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,934
[cackles]
501
00:28:43,013 --> 00:28:44,183
I'd like to believe in something,
502
00:28:44,264 --> 00:28:46,984
so I've been going around
asking people what their shit is,
503
00:28:47,059 --> 00:28:49,229
and I haven't been
able to find anything.
504
00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:52,860
Trying to be open-minded.
I was doing a gig in Helsinki,
505
00:28:52,940 --> 00:28:56,690
and over there, they're, like, Lutheran,
and what they believe,
506
00:28:56,777 --> 00:29:00,697
they believe when you die,
you're dead and that's it.
507
00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:04,871
Dead, like a pigeon,
just-- just layin' there. Over.
508
00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:09,289
Blew my mind, I'm like,
"Really? You're just dead?"
509
00:29:09,373 --> 00:29:13,713
Like my religion was you die, and then
you go up to get judged, right?
510
00:29:13,794 --> 00:29:16,054
God pops in the DVD of your life.
511
00:29:16,129 --> 00:29:18,719
"Well, I don't know
about this right here.
512
00:29:18,799 --> 00:29:20,339
Mind explaining yourself?"
513
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:27,056
This might be the most
arrogant thing I say all night,
514
00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:31,140
but I actually resent the fact
that I'm gonna get judged someday.
515
00:29:31,228 --> 00:29:34,148
Like, if that's true,
that somebody's gonna judge me,
516
00:29:34,231 --> 00:29:35,441
that doesn't even make any sense.
517
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:38,244
It's like, Dude, you made me,
so this is your fuck-up.
518
00:29:38,318 --> 00:29:44,448
All right? Let's not try to turn
this around on me. You know?
519
00:29:44,533 --> 00:29:47,243
Jesus Christ.
520
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:50,037
You give me freedom of choice,
you make whores,
521
00:29:50,122 --> 00:29:51,502
you have me suck at math,
522
00:29:51,581 --> 00:29:54,461
and you don't think this thing's
gonna go off the rails?
523
00:29:55,502 --> 00:30:00,922
Like, you set me up to fail,
and now you got the balls
524
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:05,048
to now question...
your own goddamn work.
525
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:08,767
Dude, if I made a car,
if I built a car and it didn't run,
526
00:30:08,849 --> 00:30:10,179
I wouldn't burn it forever.
527
00:30:10,267 --> 00:30:14,187
"You evil piece of shit!"
Just light it on fire.
528
00:30:14,271 --> 00:30:15,981
I wouldn't, I would troubleshoot.
529
00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:18,944
Is there gas in the engine?
Is the battery charged?
530
00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:23,776
"Anything beyond this, I got to get a real
man to look at it, but I believe in you.
531
00:30:23,864 --> 00:30:25,704
I'm gonna try and help you out."
532
00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:31,960
Yes, my religion, it's nuts.
It's fucking nuts.
533
00:30:32,039 --> 00:30:36,209
Like, my religion, like, the way
I was brought up is like, you know,
534
00:30:36,293 --> 00:30:38,093
you can make it to heaven but, like,
535
00:30:38,170 --> 00:30:40,800
some of your family members
possibly couldn't,
536
00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:42,801
or some of your friends.
537
00:30:42,883 --> 00:30:44,303
Doesn't even make sense.
538
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:48,974
Like how am I supposed to enjoy heaven
if that's the deal, right?
539
00:30:49,056 --> 00:30:51,306
Just sitting here, waiting
for my friends to show up,
540
00:30:51,391 --> 00:30:55,151
"Jesus Christ, where the hell are they?
It's been, like, 150 years!
541
00:30:55,228 --> 00:30:57,978
They must have ate a lot of
Brussels sprouts or some shit!
542
00:30:58,065 --> 00:30:59,395
Doing some yoga, right?"
543
00:30:59,483 --> 00:31:03,863
And then one day, it just settles in
that they didn't make it.
544
00:31:03,945 --> 00:31:06,365
And then what, I'm still
gonna enjoy heaven, right?
545
00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:08,238
Jesus coming walking over:
546
00:31:08,325 --> 00:31:13,865
"Hey, how is it going, everybody?
Isn't this great? Isn't this great?"
547
00:31:13,955 --> 00:31:16,825
"Yeah, Dude, it'd be even better
if all my family members and friends
548
00:31:16,917 --> 00:31:19,337
weren't burning for fucking ever!
549
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:22,379
Kind of hard to enjoy heaven
when you just keep
550
00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:25,054
thinking of that there, J-star,
what do you think?
551
00:31:26,426 --> 00:31:28,256
Hey, Dude, I didn't
ask you to come over.
552
00:31:28,345 --> 00:31:30,345
You came walking over
with your big, dumb sandals.
553
00:31:30,430 --> 00:31:33,180
'Hey, hey, how is it going over here?'
554
00:31:33,266 --> 00:31:34,346
Why did you come over here?
555
00:31:34,434 --> 00:31:38,024
I don't give a damn.
Dude, tell your dad. I don't give a fuck!
556
00:31:39,272 --> 00:31:41,272
I'm already in here,
I'm already in here.
557
00:31:41,358 --> 00:31:43,858
What, are you gonna
kick me out afterwards?
558
00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:47,034
Go fuck yourself. I knew He was
gonna be like that, I knew it.
559
00:31:47,114 --> 00:31:49,664
The boss's son is the worst.
560
00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:54,124
Fucking sense of entitlement."
561
00:31:55,622 --> 00:31:58,292
So yeah, so they believe
when you die, you're dead.
562
00:31:58,375 --> 00:32:00,165
And I was like, so you're just dead.
563
00:32:00,252 --> 00:32:03,052
Like, how do you wrap
your head around not existing?
564
00:32:03,130 --> 00:32:04,380
I couldn't get my head around it.
565
00:32:04,464 --> 00:32:09,144
He goes, "Well, like before, when you
were born, do you remember that?"
566
00:32:09,219 --> 00:32:12,929
And I was like, "No," and the guy's like,
"Yeah, it's just like that."
567
00:32:16,351 --> 00:32:20,981
I'm like, not only does that make sense,
that is absolutely terrifying.
568
00:32:23,316 --> 00:32:26,526
Dude, I got to be honest, I hate
how scared I'm getting as I get older.
569
00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:29,321
I'm developing all these new fears.
Like, I have a fear of flying now.
570
00:32:29,406 --> 00:32:33,076
I never had a fear of it. It's not
straight-across-the-board flying.
571
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,500
I don't like small planes
all of a sudden.
572
00:32:35,579 --> 00:32:38,079
I just don't like them, and it has
nothing to do with the plane.
573
00:32:38,165 --> 00:32:43,665
I believe in the planes, okay?
I just don't believe in the pilots.
574
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:47,053
'Cause you know what?
I don't think the airline does, either.
575
00:32:47,132 --> 00:32:51,222
Which is why that dude is flying
that little plane.
576
00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:53,053
The airline was basically, like,
577
00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:58,098
"All right, we'll give you,
like, 28 people.
578
00:32:58,185 --> 00:33:00,225
See how you do, you know?
579
00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:05,072
You fly them up, you land,
you bring another 28 back.
580
00:33:05,150 --> 00:33:06,280
We'll let you do this for a while.
581
00:33:06,359 --> 00:33:09,739
You do this for a while,
we don't get any complaints,
582
00:33:09,821 --> 00:33:12,281
no up and down, up and down,
583
00:33:12,365 --> 00:33:16,365
none of that shit,
we'll move you up to 35 people.
584
00:33:16,453 --> 00:33:18,293
And then one day,
you'll be in a jet--"
585
00:33:18,371 --> 00:33:20,751
Whoo! We're going
a little faster. Right?
586
00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:24,625
Big planes, you're getting the fuckin'
pilot that knows what he's doing.
587
00:33:24,753 --> 00:33:27,013
He's probably fought in a war.
He's used to getting shot at.
588
00:33:27,088 --> 00:33:30,258
He can't bring this bus in?
It's a joke. Right?
589
00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:34,184
A bunch of people whining in the back,
"My headphones don't work!"
590
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:37,272
He doesn't give a fuck, right?
He's up there sleeping.
591
00:33:37,349 --> 00:33:39,979
He's trying to make something happen,
he's so goddamn bored.
592
00:33:40,060 --> 00:33:42,060
That's a stud up there, right?
593
00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:44,685
So one time I'm flying
into Albany, New York, okay,
594
00:33:44,773 --> 00:33:46,653
a city that nobody really goes to.
595
00:33:46,733 --> 00:33:49,283
So I'm on a smaller plane,
and everything is going great.
596
00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:51,861
All of a sudden, out of nowhere,
we hit this turbulence.
597
00:33:51,947 --> 00:33:54,867
[imitating sounds of turbulence]
598
00:33:54,950 --> 00:33:58,450
And it stops, and everybody
looks around laughing nervously, like...
599
00:33:58,537 --> 00:34:01,747
[nervous laughter]
600
00:34:04,376 --> 00:34:06,336
All of a sudden, it comes back
with a vengeance.
601
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:10,224
You can literally hear
the metal the plane's made of, like...
602
00:34:11,883 --> 00:34:16,473
All of a sudden, this dude three rows back
starts making these bitchy noises.
603
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:20,925
"Whoa! Whaaa! Whoa!
Whaaaa! Whoa!"
604
00:34:22,269 --> 00:34:28,479
I'm not gonna lie, I have never been
so fucking scared in my entire life.
605
00:34:28,567 --> 00:34:33,527
Dude, that noise is acceptable
out of a female or a child.
606
00:34:34,948 --> 00:34:39,238
But turn around and see a 37-year-old
mustachioed male going...
607
00:34:39,327 --> 00:34:41,447
"Whoo! Whaaa! Whoa!"
608
00:34:41,538 --> 00:34:44,708
Dude, the hair was
standing up on my arms.
609
00:34:44,791 --> 00:34:49,251
I'm praying to a higher power,
I don't even believe in the shit!
610
00:34:49,337 --> 00:34:51,207
I just wish I had the balls
to turn around and be like,
611
00:34:51,298 --> 00:34:53,548
"Dude, would you
shut the fuck up?
612
00:34:53,633 --> 00:34:56,343
Jesus Christ,
be a man, push it down.
613
00:34:56,428 --> 00:34:59,428
Push it down, deny your feelings,
act like you have answers.
614
00:34:59,514 --> 00:35:03,144
Do some man shit right now.
Do some man shit."
615
00:35:04,477 --> 00:35:08,057
Jesus Christ. You know?
616
00:35:08,148 --> 00:35:10,568
"You think I'm not up here thinking...
'Whaaa! Whoa!'
617
00:35:10,650 --> 00:35:12,740
I am!
618
00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:15,239
But how does that help us
for me to join you
619
00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:18,492
and turn this fuselage
into a haunted house?"
620
00:35:20,785 --> 00:35:22,575
You know what kills me,
what absolutely kills me,
621
00:35:22,662 --> 00:35:25,422
is some woman is gonna
fall in love with this guy,
622
00:35:25,498 --> 00:35:28,248
marry him and make half...
whooo... whaaaa...
623
00:35:28,335 --> 00:35:30,295
fucking kids.
624
00:35:30,378 --> 00:35:33,718
And you know what?
We become weaker as a species.
625
00:35:34,924 --> 00:35:36,434
We do.
626
00:35:36,509 --> 00:35:39,259
[cheers and applause]
627
00:35:39,346 --> 00:35:41,886
Do you remember back in the day
628
00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:44,183
when you watched
the Discovery Channel about animals?
629
00:35:44,267 --> 00:35:48,517
Now they build cars,
but it used to be about animals, right?
630
00:35:48,605 --> 00:35:50,685
Now it's all car stuff.
631
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:53,526
"Looking forward to getting
that carburetor today.
632
00:35:53,610 --> 00:35:55,110
The carburetor didn't fit."
633
00:35:55,195 --> 00:35:58,405
"What do you mean the carburetor
doesn't fit? Dad's gonna be mad."
634
00:35:58,490 --> 00:36:03,410
[yelling gibberish]
635
00:36:03,495 --> 00:36:07,365
There's never enough time to build
the car. It's so fucking stupid.
636
00:36:07,457 --> 00:36:10,707
"We got to have this bus
done by Thursday!"
637
00:36:11,961 --> 00:36:16,421
Or else what? The guy doesn't
want it anymore? All right.
638
00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:18,928
"You'll get the thing
when we finish it, okay?
639
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:22,350
This is a safety issue.
You want brakes on it?
640
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:24,720
Then go get yourself
some fucking lunch."
641
00:36:26,226 --> 00:36:29,226
So, before...
642
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:31,362
[laughter]
643
00:36:31,439 --> 00:36:35,189
before there used
to just be animals,
644
00:36:35,276 --> 00:36:36,606
and this is what I noticed:
645
00:36:36,695 --> 00:36:39,815
Everything from a lion all the way
down to an insect, okay?
646
00:36:39,906 --> 00:36:43,156
If you had one drop of...
whoo... whaaa...
647
00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:45,953
bitchy blood in you, none of
the females would fuck you.
648
00:36:46,037 --> 00:36:49,827
That was it, your life was over.
Your life was over.
649
00:36:49,916 --> 00:36:55,336
No ant pussy for you your entire
miserable eight-day ant life,
650
00:36:55,422 --> 00:36:57,512
'cause all six of your legs shook
when the wind blew,
651
00:36:57,590 --> 00:36:59,180
and the female ant saw it.
652
00:36:59,259 --> 00:37:00,759
They're like, "All right,
stay away from that one.
653
00:37:00,844 --> 00:37:05,014
Stay away from that one.
He's gonna jeopardize the whole hill.
654
00:37:05,098 --> 00:37:06,768
And, Stacy, listen to me."
655
00:37:13,523 --> 00:37:17,073
Human beings have empathy.
Some woman will fall in love.
656
00:37:17,152 --> 00:37:18,702
"Well, he's nice.
657
00:37:18,778 --> 00:37:20,448
He wears a sweater.
658
00:37:20,530 --> 00:37:23,780
He likes to bake, you know?
659
00:37:24,868 --> 00:37:27,698
He lets me finish my stories."
660
00:37:28,955 --> 00:37:33,495
Which is all great qualities,
okay, but you got to know,
661
00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:37,545
when you shack up with a guy
like that, you're rolling the dice.
662
00:37:37,630 --> 00:37:41,300
You're rolling the dice that
that fucking axe murderer
663
00:37:41,384 --> 00:37:43,394
is gonna pick the next house over,
664
00:37:43,470 --> 00:37:46,560
'cause God forbid he picks
your goddamn house,
665
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:49,729
this is the dude who has your back,
666
00:37:49,809 --> 00:37:53,609
who's gonna be screaming louder
and higher than you
667
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,688
when this guy comes
through the fucking door.
668
00:37:56,775 --> 00:37:58,145
And you're gonna turn around.
669
00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:01,404
All you're gonna see is his cowardly feet
going out the kitchen window.
670
00:38:03,698 --> 00:38:05,738
I don't know, man, that's risky.
671
00:38:09,329 --> 00:38:12,329
You know, in reality, I'm being
too hard on that guy.
672
00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:16,594
Yeah, I am. I am, 'cause
I was just as scared as he was.
673
00:38:16,669 --> 00:38:21,509
Except I didn't scream out
like he did, and that's simple.
674
00:38:21,591 --> 00:38:25,851
The simple reason was this dude,
he was hugged too much as a child.
675
00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:28,009
Having people going,
"How was your day? What's wrong?"
676
00:38:28,097 --> 00:38:30,267
And all of that shit, you know?
677
00:38:30,350 --> 00:38:32,020
That's why I came down here.
678
00:38:32,101 --> 00:38:36,441
I came out here to tell you guys,
you got to stop hugging your children.
679
00:38:36,523 --> 00:38:40,033
You are ruining this country.
680
00:38:40,109 --> 00:38:43,359
Now you can hug your daughters,
you got to do that, you got to do that.
681
00:38:43,446 --> 00:38:46,366
Hug those hooker shoes
right out of them,
682
00:38:46,449 --> 00:38:50,289
let them know that you're a good man,
and to find another man like you.
683
00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:51,580
You got to do that.
684
00:38:51,663 --> 00:38:54,623
But your son,
you can hug them a little bit,
685
00:38:54,707 --> 00:38:57,837
but every three, four, you got to
fucking knock 'em down, right?
686
00:38:57,919 --> 00:39:00,509
"Come on, it didn't hurt, get up!"
687
00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:08,143
I didn't come from a family,
I don't know about you guys,
688
00:39:08,221 --> 00:39:10,521
I didn't come from a touchy-feely...
689
00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:12,518
"Call me when you get there.
Mwah, mwah."
690
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:14,520
None of that shit.
691
00:39:14,602 --> 00:39:17,482
First time my mom hugged me,
I think, was like,
692
00:39:17,564 --> 00:39:21,324
once when I was little, and when
I moved out. That was it!
693
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:24,741
And we only hugged 'cause
we knew we were supposed to.
694
00:39:24,821 --> 00:39:27,661
So we just tried to, like,
it was like two parking meters
695
00:39:27,740 --> 00:39:31,580
came to life, like,
we almost bumped heads.
696
00:39:31,661 --> 00:39:35,001
It was horrific.
697
00:39:35,081 --> 00:39:36,331
Fucking horrific.
698
00:39:36,416 --> 00:39:39,666
To this day, sometimes I drive down
the street, and I think about that hug,
699
00:39:39,752 --> 00:39:44,342
and it's just so awful I have to like
shout the memory out of my head.
700
00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:46,134
I'll just be driving
down the street, just be like...
701
00:39:46,217 --> 00:39:47,887
Aaaaah!
702
00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:54,431
Anybody else like that?
703
00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:57,097
You ever have to
shout stuff out of your head?
704
00:39:57,186 --> 00:39:59,016
There's something about me, like,
705
00:39:59,105 --> 00:40:02,145
all my regret comes up
when I'm in the shower.
706
00:40:02,233 --> 00:40:03,653
I don't know what it is.
707
00:40:03,735 --> 00:40:06,695
I think 'cause I'm in the shower,
and I have time to think,
708
00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:09,369
and I'll just think of shit
I did in third grade
709
00:40:09,449 --> 00:40:11,119
where I just made
an ass of myself,
710
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,580
and I'll just be
in the shower just being like...
711
00:40:12,660 --> 00:40:15,660
[screaming]
712
00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:19,787
And my wife's always just like,
"Is everything okay in there?"
713
00:40:19,876 --> 00:40:23,416
I'll just be like, "Yeah, yeah, just
accidentally turned on the hot water.
714
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:25,674
Turned it on too much."
715
00:40:25,757 --> 00:40:27,757
"Every day?"
716
00:40:32,972 --> 00:40:34,562
So...
717
00:40:35,683 --> 00:40:37,733
Yeah...
718
00:40:37,810 --> 00:40:40,560
I actually asked my mother one time
when I finally got out in the world,
719
00:40:40,647 --> 00:40:42,187
and I saw how
other families interacted,
720
00:40:42,273 --> 00:40:45,783
I finally asked her, "How come
we never did the hugging thing?
721
00:40:45,860 --> 00:40:47,070
How come we didn't
do that stuff?"
722
00:40:47,153 --> 00:40:49,073
She was like, "I wanted to hug
you kids when you were little,
723
00:40:49,155 --> 00:40:51,525
but I was afraid
it was gonna make you gay."
724
00:40:55,495 --> 00:40:57,115
And I was like, "You were afraid?"
725
00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,865
And she goes, "Well, it was your father.
That's what it was.
726
00:40:59,958 --> 00:41:02,498
Protecting him like I always do.
He was afraid.
727
00:41:02,585 --> 00:41:04,585
He said, you don't know
how to raise boys
728
00:41:04,671 --> 00:41:06,591
and if you hug them,
that's what's gonna happen.
729
00:41:06,673 --> 00:41:10,843
So in a marriage,
there's compromises."
730
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:14,720
Yeah, so she basically
never hugged us,
731
00:41:14,806 --> 00:41:18,226
'cause my dad said if she did,
it was gonna make us gay.
732
00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:25,231
And I got to tell you, that was
a great thing that my dad did for me.
733
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:28,696
Let me finish before
you start blogging, okay?
734
00:41:30,196 --> 00:41:33,906
And I end up on a split screen
on Good Morning Atlanta.
735
00:41:33,992 --> 00:41:35,952
"Comedy, could it go too far?
736
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:38,825
Last night at the Tabernacle--"
737
00:41:40,707 --> 00:41:44,707
Sitting there next to some
fucking Cheeto-eating blogger.
738
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,264
So, yeah, this is the deal.
739
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:52,761
I'm gonna defend my dad here because
this is basically what happens
740
00:41:52,844 --> 00:41:53,934
when you have a kid.
741
00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:55,722
As far as I know.
I don't have any kids.
742
00:41:55,805 --> 00:41:57,925
As far as I'd think, if you have
a kid, what do you want to do?
743
00:41:58,016 --> 00:42:00,016
You want to improve
on your childhood, okay?
744
00:42:00,101 --> 00:42:02,851
You want to keep the shit
that your parents did that worked,
745
00:42:02,937 --> 00:42:04,857
and then you want to get rid
of the stuff that didn't work.
746
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:07,729
So that was my dad, as fucked up
as that was, that was his improvement
747
00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:10,067
on his childhood
that he never talks about,
748
00:42:10,153 --> 00:42:13,033
the way a veteran
doesn't talk about going to war.
749
00:42:13,114 --> 00:42:17,294
So I figure if that was his
improvement on his childhood,
750
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,288
his childhood just must
have been something like,
751
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:21,080
"Don't change
his shitty diaper.
752
00:42:21,164 --> 00:42:22,834
Let him figure it out
for himself.
753
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:25,035
Get out in the rain,
you shitty baby!
754
00:42:25,126 --> 00:42:26,916
Hey, let me handle this, lady!
755
00:42:27,003 --> 00:42:31,053
Why are you still standing here,
you shit toddler?"
756
00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:34,973
So he took it from that...
757
00:42:36,596 --> 00:42:40,176
and knocked it down to, "Don't hug him,
it's gonna make him gay."
758
00:42:40,266 --> 00:42:41,846
Right?
759
00:42:42,852 --> 00:42:44,232
And then maybe someday
I ever have a kid,
760
00:42:44,312 --> 00:42:48,522
I'll whittle it down to like,
"He's not taking drama class, all right?
761
00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:51,858
He's not taking drama class
'cause I said so, lady!
762
00:42:51,944 --> 00:42:53,284
Let me handle this!"
763
00:42:55,114 --> 00:42:56,914
I won't fix everything.
764
00:42:58,576 --> 00:43:00,866
And that's not
a homophobic thing either,
765
00:43:00,953 --> 00:43:04,963
that I wouldn't send my hypothetical son
to drama class. Okay?
766
00:43:06,793 --> 00:43:08,803
It isn't.
I would send...
767
00:43:08,878 --> 00:43:13,418
I'd let my hypothetical daughter
take a drama class. Okay.
768
00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:16,890
My son can't fucking do
any of that shit
769
00:43:16,969 --> 00:43:20,219
unless I'm sending him to one
of those Fame high schools
770
00:43:20,306 --> 00:43:23,426
where everybody's doing it,
one of those creative schools.
771
00:43:23,518 --> 00:43:24,888
You go to the cafeteria,
everybody's like,
772
00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:27,727
~ Cottage cheese,
what is it made of? ~
773
00:43:27,814 --> 00:43:30,274
Then he can do all he wants.
774
00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:33,238
Then he can do all the fuck he wants,
but there's no way
775
00:43:33,319 --> 00:43:37,819
I'm letting him do that at a public school
with those goddamn animals!
776
00:43:37,907 --> 00:43:39,947
He's gonna get
the shit kicked out of him!
777
00:43:40,034 --> 00:43:42,254
He's gonna come home
with his underwear up his ass,
778
00:43:42,328 --> 00:43:45,118
and then I have to be the adult
and go down to the principal
779
00:43:45,206 --> 00:43:47,826
and be like, "There's some sort of
tomfoolery going on around here!"
780
00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:49,127
I don't want to do that.
781
00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:52,260
I want to find the fucking eight-year-old.
What is he, this tall?
782
00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:54,128
I want to find the kid
that did it to my kid,
783
00:43:54,215 --> 00:43:56,925
tip him upside down
into some sand or a puddle,
784
00:43:57,009 --> 00:43:59,429
anywhere where oxygen
is going to be an issue, right,
785
00:43:59,512 --> 00:44:01,762
and just leave him there.
786
00:44:01,848 --> 00:44:05,268
You wait for that one leg to start shaking
so you know he's down to his last breath,
787
00:44:05,351 --> 00:44:08,311
and then you turn him upside-right,
and you grab him by his throat,
788
00:44:08,396 --> 00:44:09,936
you say something horrific.
789
00:44:10,022 --> 00:44:12,152
"You ever do that again, I'm gonna
beat your mother to death
790
00:44:12,233 --> 00:44:15,193
with the family dog." All right?
791
00:44:15,278 --> 00:44:17,778
[applause]
792
00:44:17,864 --> 00:44:19,074
Over.
793
00:44:23,202 --> 00:44:29,332
So yeah, a lot in my life has changed
since I last came through here to Atlanta.
794
00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:35,297
I got married.
That's the big thing.
795
00:44:35,381 --> 00:44:36,921
Yes, I did.
796
00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:39,968
Very happy about that.
797
00:44:40,052 --> 00:44:44,352
I'm very happy
because it was starting to get weird.
798
00:44:44,432 --> 00:44:46,062
It's like 45 years old.
799
00:44:46,142 --> 00:44:49,272
"My girlfriend, yeah, we're gonna
go out and get some pop."
800
00:44:51,272 --> 00:44:52,982
Going to parties, it was just weird.
801
00:44:53,065 --> 00:44:55,065
'Cause I hang out with people my age,
802
00:44:55,151 --> 00:44:57,401
and they all got married,
they all had kids.
803
00:44:57,486 --> 00:45:00,316
I just couldn't contribute when people
were standing around
804
00:45:00,406 --> 00:45:03,866
talking about marriage...
marriages and kids.
805
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:05,791
I felt like a little kid,
just sitting there going like,
806
00:45:05,870 --> 00:45:07,830
"The superintendent
of the mayoral candidate
807
00:45:07,914 --> 00:45:10,254
will be bicoastal, bipartisan,
808
00:45:10,333 --> 00:45:12,543
with the Middle Eastern
crisis, it's just..."
809
00:45:12,627 --> 00:45:16,167
"It's an advanced learning program.
The deadline is May 11th.
810
00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:17,965
We have to stop the bullying..."
811
00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:20,969
"...with the superintendent
of the mayoral candidate."
812
00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,852
When the conversation
would come around to me,
813
00:45:24,931 --> 00:45:26,431
I felt like I was eight years old.
814
00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:31,845
I'd just be like,
"Did anybody see the YouTube video
815
00:45:31,938 --> 00:45:35,068
where the raccoon
stole the cat's food,
816
00:45:35,149 --> 00:45:38,239
and the cat was scratching him
and the raccoon didn't care?
817
00:45:38,319 --> 00:45:41,109
He just came in like this,
like George Foreman,
818
00:45:41,197 --> 00:45:43,027
and then he reached out,
he had hands.
819
00:45:43,115 --> 00:45:45,325
All of a sudden, he had hands.
I didn't know they had hands.
820
00:45:45,409 --> 00:45:49,079
He scooped it up
and he ran away on paws.
821
00:45:50,331 --> 00:45:52,581
Did you guys know
they had hands?"
822
00:45:57,296 --> 00:46:00,416
So now I'm married, so the next move
is you're supposed to have a kid,
823
00:46:00,508 --> 00:46:04,138
which I would love to do,
but I'm 46 years old.
824
00:46:04,220 --> 00:46:06,350
I'm just thinking
it's too fucking late, ya know.
825
00:46:07,807 --> 00:46:09,637
Come on, man,
I'm gonna have a kid,
826
00:46:09,725 --> 00:46:13,345
I'm gonna die of natural
causes when the kid's in fifth grade.
827
00:46:13,437 --> 00:46:16,937
Throwing him a Frisbee.
"We used to use these on a Saturday."
828
00:46:17,024 --> 00:46:18,904
Do a face plant.
829
00:46:18,985 --> 00:46:22,355
My kid's standing there,
"Mom, Dad's sleeping again!"
830
00:46:25,157 --> 00:46:27,277
I feel hopelessly behind.
831
00:46:27,368 --> 00:46:28,788
All my friends have kids.
832
00:46:28,869 --> 00:46:30,959
Most of my friends
who have kids are cool,
833
00:46:31,038 --> 00:46:33,538
but I got a couple of those
who think now that they have a kid,
834
00:46:33,624 --> 00:46:35,794
that I don't understand
anything anymore.
835
00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:38,456
You know those people?
The most basic shit.
836
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:39,836
"Hey, man, it's
kind of cold out today."
837
00:46:39,922 --> 00:46:41,382
"Dude, you don't understand.
838
00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:43,465
You don't understand cold
till you got a two-year-old
839
00:46:43,551 --> 00:46:45,431
with a mitten up his ass
and you're trying to get
840
00:46:45,511 --> 00:46:47,101
chocolate off
the other one's face."
841
00:46:47,179 --> 00:46:49,559
"All right, all right, I get it,
you have a more complex life,
842
00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:53,560
but I still understand
being cold, teeth chattering.
843
00:46:53,644 --> 00:46:55,524
Kind of lets me know. Right?"
844
00:46:57,565 --> 00:46:59,475
"Mine just turned six."
"Mine just turned seven."
845
00:46:59,567 --> 00:47:02,317
I just feel hopelessly behind.
846
00:47:02,403 --> 00:47:06,283
So what I'm actually thinking of doing,
I'm thinking about adopting.
847
00:47:06,365 --> 00:47:07,485
Yeah.
848
00:47:07,575 --> 00:47:10,235
Absolutely, recycle. You know?
849
00:47:11,912 --> 00:47:14,172
Think globally, act locally.
850
00:47:14,248 --> 00:47:16,458
Everything doesn't
have to be brand-new.
851
00:47:16,542 --> 00:47:17,542
You know?
852
00:47:18,502 --> 00:47:20,132
It's like when you redo your kitchen.
853
00:47:20,212 --> 00:47:24,182
You got custom up top,
you got IKEA down the bottom, right?
854
00:47:28,262 --> 00:47:30,012
I'd love to adopt.
It's a great thing to do.
855
00:47:30,097 --> 00:47:32,847
But if I do it, I'm not telling
any of my friends.
856
00:47:32,933 --> 00:47:38,193
I'm just gonna show up with the kid
one day, just to piss 'em off.
857
00:47:38,272 --> 00:47:40,072
"Mine just turned six."
"Mine just turned seven."
858
00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:42,939
I'd love to just show up
with an eight-year-old, like, "Dominoes!
859
00:47:44,195 --> 00:47:47,815
Yeah, now I get to tell you
what you don't understand.
860
00:47:47,907 --> 00:47:49,197
Seven-year-old?
861
00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:53,163
Wait till they turn eight,
eight is such a funny age.
862
00:47:53,245 --> 00:47:55,245
Terrible twos?
Try the instant eights!
863
00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:57,461
Bam! They're just there, like...!
864
00:47:57,541 --> 00:47:59,711
With all their issues...!"
865
00:48:01,504 --> 00:48:03,054
I should do it, though.
I should adopt.
866
00:48:03,130 --> 00:48:06,970
I think it's a great thing to do,
and I already know what I want to get.
867
00:48:08,636 --> 00:48:10,346
I do.
868
00:48:10,429 --> 00:48:13,429
I want to get, like, an '07, '08...
869
00:48:15,601 --> 00:48:19,191
always garaged, good dentition.
870
00:48:21,524 --> 00:48:23,234
Do you know
what I would love to do?
871
00:48:23,317 --> 00:48:26,447
I'd love to rescue some kid
that works in a sweatshop.
872
00:48:26,529 --> 00:48:29,949
Wouldn't that be amazing?
Like, find the kid that made this shirt?
873
00:48:31,617 --> 00:48:34,327
Just show up at the factory like, hey!
874
00:48:35,663 --> 00:48:38,423
"Come on, bring it in!
Bring it in, you little maniac!
875
00:48:38,499 --> 00:48:41,089
How you doing?
You're going back to the States.
876
00:48:41,168 --> 00:48:43,088
L-shaped couch, flat screen TV.
877
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:46,260
Get in the car, the rest
of you keep sewing, but you,
878
00:48:46,340 --> 00:48:48,340
you're coming home with me!"
879
00:48:50,261 --> 00:48:55,021
Yeah. Dude, how easy...
how easy would that kid be to raise?
880
00:48:56,433 --> 00:49:00,103
After the hell he's been through,
all I gotta do is let him sit down.
881
00:49:00,187 --> 00:49:04,897
I am immediately the greatest
human being this kid has ever met.
882
00:49:04,984 --> 00:49:06,444
Just bring him home. "Have a seat."
883
00:49:06,527 --> 00:49:08,527
He'll be like, "I get to sit down?"
884
00:49:08,612 --> 00:49:10,322
"Yeah, lay down on the couch."
885
00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:13,616
He'll be like, "It's like a cloud!
It's like a cloud!"
886
00:49:15,244 --> 00:49:19,004
I'll get him a bowl of Fritos,
put on cricket or soccer,
887
00:49:19,081 --> 00:49:20,501
one of those sweatshop sports.
888
00:49:20,583 --> 00:49:23,293
I don't know.
The kid would love me.
889
00:49:25,546 --> 00:49:28,546
So that's my first draft pick.
All right?
890
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:31,392
Coming out of the gate with that.
891
00:49:31,468 --> 00:49:38,098
In the second round, I'd probably
get like an '05 boy soldier, ya know.
892
00:49:38,184 --> 00:49:41,734
Yeah, shore up the offensive line.
You gotta protect the blindside.
893
00:49:44,231 --> 00:49:47,401
That's how fucked up the world is, there's
little boys out there fighting in wars.
894
00:49:47,484 --> 00:49:50,324
So that's a twofer.
I can drag him out of that hell,
895
00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:52,574
give him something
of what's left of his childhood,
896
00:49:52,656 --> 00:49:57,486
and, God forbid,
if the dollar ever collapses, right?
897
00:49:57,578 --> 00:50:01,368
Shit goes south,
zombies take over, I got backup.
898
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:05,714
Everybody thinks
I'm gonna be the problem,
899
00:50:05,794 --> 00:50:09,474
meanwhile, I got this
sawed-off Chuck Norris...
900
00:50:10,591 --> 00:50:13,301
standing next to me,
170 kills,
901
00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:16,005
confirmed fucking kills.
902
00:50:16,096 --> 00:50:17,886
They're not stories!
903
00:50:17,973 --> 00:50:22,103
Can make a flamethrower out of
a vacuum cleaner and a toaster.
904
00:50:24,605 --> 00:50:26,565
You can't coach that, right?
905
00:50:28,651 --> 00:50:32,531
I got to be honest with you, I feel like
I'd have to go easier on the discipline
906
00:50:32,613 --> 00:50:34,453
with the boy solider.
907
00:50:35,991 --> 00:50:38,541
I might be nuts, but I feel like
I could come down
908
00:50:38,619 --> 00:50:41,789
on the sweatshop kid, right?
909
00:50:43,123 --> 00:50:45,133
"I said get in there
and clean up your goddamn room.
910
00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,589
I'm getting sick of this shit!
911
00:50:46,669 --> 00:50:49,589
Goes for you too
if you want. But you!
912
00:50:49,672 --> 00:50:53,632
You've been out of line all day, mister!
Don't even start that shit!
913
00:50:53,717 --> 00:50:55,087
Don't even start that shit.
914
00:50:55,177 --> 00:50:57,467
You say that every time.
Yes, you do.
915
00:50:58,681 --> 00:51:01,681
Every fucking time you say that.
You know the answer.
916
00:51:01,767 --> 00:51:04,227
You want me to say it again?
I'll break it down to you.
917
00:51:04,311 --> 00:51:06,811
You know why it is?
You want to know why?
918
00:51:06,897 --> 00:51:11,737
'Cause you sew.
All right? Yeah. You sew.
919
00:51:11,819 --> 00:51:16,239
Dude, he's fucking killed people.
Do you understand that?
920
00:51:16,323 --> 00:51:19,543
No, he doesn't, he doesn't have
to make his bed too. No, he doesn't.
921
00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,288
Because he doesn't
sleep in the bed,
922
00:51:21,370 --> 00:51:23,460
he's out in the bushes all night,
talking to himself,
923
00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:26,209
freaking me
the fuck out, all right?
924
00:51:26,292 --> 00:51:29,092
Oh, fuck you, fuck you!
He scares me too, he scares me too.
925
00:51:29,169 --> 00:51:30,459
Don't even start that shit.
926
00:51:30,546 --> 00:51:32,456
You wanted a big brother,
and I got you one.
927
00:51:32,548 --> 00:51:34,878
Don't even start that shit, all right?
928
00:51:37,386 --> 00:51:41,096
All right, you're right.
Stop crying, stop crying.
929
00:51:41,181 --> 00:51:43,481
Shouldn't have yelled at you.
930
00:51:43,559 --> 00:51:46,099
I just thought I could
fucking bring him in,
931
00:51:46,186 --> 00:51:49,816
give him a couple of Pop Tarts,
I figured he'd chill out.
932
00:51:49,898 --> 00:51:51,608
Fucking sitting there
looking through his eyebrows,
933
00:51:51,692 --> 00:51:53,742
doing that Full Metal Jacket shit.
934
00:51:55,362 --> 00:51:57,822
No, you can't give him back,
it doesn't work that way.
935
00:51:57,906 --> 00:52:00,576
There he is, there he is!
What's up, buddy?
936
00:52:00,659 --> 00:52:02,699
What's going on?
937
00:52:02,786 --> 00:52:07,206
We were just talking about you,
just doing, like, a little surprise thing.
938
00:52:07,291 --> 00:52:08,791
You feeling all right?
You feeling all right?
939
00:52:08,876 --> 00:52:11,876
You're not looking through those
eyebrows, huh? Everything okay?"
940
00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:16,594
So I figure, uh...
941
00:52:17,843 --> 00:52:20,263
I don't know if I'll do it.
Maybe I'm too selfish.
942
00:52:21,764 --> 00:52:24,104
I have no idea. I'm all over
the fuckin' map.
943
00:52:24,183 --> 00:52:25,643
Do you know
what I want to do right now?
944
00:52:25,726 --> 00:52:27,766
I actually want to learn
how to fly a helicopter, man.
945
00:52:28,812 --> 00:52:31,692
I do, that's my latest thing.
You know why it is?
946
00:52:31,774 --> 00:52:34,444
It's 'cause I live in Los Angeles.
947
00:52:34,526 --> 00:52:36,486
Yeah, and it's
an absolute clusterfuck.
948
00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:39,570
When you go into land in that city,
just look out the window,
949
00:52:39,656 --> 00:52:42,406
and just look at the complete
lack of planning.
950
00:52:42,493 --> 00:52:43,543
There's not even zoning laws.
951
00:52:43,619 --> 00:52:48,169
They'll build, like, a skyscraper
next to a house, next to a gun range,
952
00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:50,498
and then there's, like,
a fucking daycare center.
953
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:51,794
Right?
954
00:52:54,505 --> 00:52:57,755
The city doesn't even work
even when everything else works,
955
00:52:57,841 --> 00:53:02,681
so God forbid, the dollar collapses
or some crazy shit happens,
956
00:53:02,763 --> 00:53:04,563
where you gonna go
in a city like that?
957
00:53:04,640 --> 00:53:07,180
See, you guys are
all right out here in Atlanta.
958
00:53:07,267 --> 00:53:09,847
You're all right. I don't know,
maybe in Atlanta might be crazy.
959
00:53:09,937 --> 00:53:12,267
You're on the outskirts,
you're fine. You're fine.
960
00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:13,516
You don't live in a desert.
961
00:53:13,607 --> 00:53:17,187
You slam your face
in a birdbath, you're cool.
962
00:53:17,277 --> 00:53:19,567
Drink that water
for a good 30 days.
963
00:53:20,781 --> 00:53:22,871
L.A., there's nowhere to go.
964
00:53:22,950 --> 00:53:24,990
That's why I love the helicopter.
965
00:53:25,077 --> 00:53:30,577
Dude, the helicopter is
the ultimate "fuck this, I'm out" vehicle.
966
00:53:30,666 --> 00:53:33,746
All you gotta do
is assess the situation.
967
00:53:33,836 --> 00:53:36,836
Zombie coming up the street?
"Fuck this!
968
00:53:38,966 --> 00:53:42,546
This looks safe."
You just land it.
969
00:53:42,636 --> 00:53:44,636
You could sit there hovering.
970
00:53:44,721 --> 00:53:47,771
Just sit there in a hover
watching everybody getting killed,
971
00:53:47,850 --> 00:53:51,060
sitting up there eating cheese
and crackers with the red stick.
972
00:53:54,690 --> 00:53:56,820
Yeah, so I told my wife
I want to fly a helicopter.
973
00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:58,690
She's just like, "Yeah, no."
974
00:54:01,530 --> 00:54:05,280
Which I know that came from a place
of love, but it still kind of annoyed me.
975
00:54:05,367 --> 00:54:08,407
Just that she said that shit,
then I was just gonna be like,
976
00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:12,575
"Oh, all right. Thought I was
gonna get to do that,
977
00:54:12,666 --> 00:54:17,626
but you said no, so...
there goes that.
978
00:54:18,630 --> 00:54:22,430
Hey, what other dreams
aren't I gonna get to achieve?
979
00:54:22,509 --> 00:54:25,469
Like, do you already know
or are you waiting for me to ask?"
980
00:54:28,015 --> 00:54:32,345
Yeah, I'm still gonna do it,
I'm just not gonna tell her.
981
00:54:32,436 --> 00:54:36,356
I'm just gonna go out and do it,
pass the goddamn class,
982
00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:38,320
and when I get my license,
I'm not going to tell her.
983
00:54:38,400 --> 00:54:41,320
I'm just gonna go out and buy
a white silk scarf,
984
00:54:41,403 --> 00:54:44,573
and hang it by a nail
in the living room.
985
00:54:44,656 --> 00:54:48,486
She's just gonna be like, "What is that?
What is that for? What does that mean?"
986
00:54:48,577 --> 00:54:51,327
"Yeah, someday you'll see,
someday you'll see.
987
00:54:51,413 --> 00:54:54,883
When the shit hits the fan,
and you're freaking the fuck out,
988
00:54:54,958 --> 00:54:58,748
and I'm taking branches off
some unforeseen helicopter."
989
00:54:58,837 --> 00:55:01,087
"What is that?"
"Shut the fuck up and get in!"
990
00:55:06,970 --> 00:55:09,890
Now you guys think
I'm bullshitting, I'm not.
991
00:55:09,973 --> 00:55:12,683
I'm serious. I'm 100% in on this.
992
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:14,938
And ever since I got into it,
I'm seeing helicopters everywhere.
993
00:55:15,020 --> 00:55:16,730
I never realized how many
helicopters there were.
994
00:55:16,813 --> 00:55:19,613
Driving down the street like
Henry Hill looking up at them...
995
00:55:21,401 --> 00:55:22,741
doing key bumps and shit.
996
00:55:22,819 --> 00:55:24,909
"They're after me! Swear to God!"
997
00:55:25,906 --> 00:55:27,866
I'm seeing stories about them!
998
00:55:29,034 --> 00:55:32,504
It's just like that
old advertising anecdote.
999
00:55:32,579 --> 00:55:34,709
"I never realized
how many mattress
1000
00:55:34,790 --> 00:55:37,460
commercials there were out there
until I needed a mattress,
1001
00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:38,923
and then all of a sudden,
they're all over the place.
1002
00:55:39,002 --> 00:55:41,712
And then I bought a mattress
and then it all went away."
1003
00:55:41,797 --> 00:55:43,087
It's the same shit.
1004
00:55:45,551 --> 00:55:49,141
I saw this story
down in Orange County. Right?
1005
00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:50,681
Down in Orange County, California.
1006
00:55:50,764 --> 00:55:53,484
This guy gave
helicopter tours for 30 years--
1007
00:55:53,559 --> 00:55:55,519
30 years without incident.
1008
00:55:55,602 --> 00:55:58,612
Hands the business off to his son,
the American dream.
1009
00:55:58,689 --> 00:56:01,529
"I built it up for 30 years.
Here you go, son.
1010
00:56:01,608 --> 00:56:03,738
Make the family
and the family name proud."
1011
00:56:03,819 --> 00:56:06,359
"All right, Dad, I love you."
All right?
1012
00:56:06,446 --> 00:56:08,656
This poor kid, five days in,
1013
00:56:08,740 --> 00:56:12,080
he's supposed to give a tour to a couple,
only the dude shows up.
1014
00:56:12,160 --> 00:56:14,120
The kid thought it was weird,
but he's like, "I need the money.
1015
00:56:14,204 --> 00:56:16,584
I gotta give him a tour." Right?
So he takes this guy up.
1016
00:56:16,665 --> 00:56:20,705
Ten minutes into the tour,
the dude fucking jumped out.
1017
00:56:20,794 --> 00:56:23,964
Yeah, five days in.
1018
00:56:25,632 --> 00:56:27,722
Five days in from the balloons
and the cake.
1019
00:56:27,801 --> 00:56:32,431
"We love you, son.
Keep the family tree going.
1020
00:56:32,514 --> 00:56:34,434
The traditional line."
1021
00:56:34,516 --> 00:56:37,846
Five fucking days later, this kid,
he probably barely had the speech down.
1022
00:56:37,936 --> 00:56:39,686
Just sitting there,
flying the helicopter.
1023
00:56:39,771 --> 00:56:43,401
"All right, if you look out the left side
of the aircraft, that's Orange County.
1024
00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:45,743
There's over
27 miles of beaches there.
1025
00:56:45,819 --> 00:56:48,989
Put your seatbelt back on,
27 miles of beaches.
1026
00:56:50,115 --> 00:56:52,405
Was established
as a county in 1903.
1027
00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:55,162
Sir, please don't open the door.
Sir, what are you doing? Sir, no, no.
1028
00:56:55,245 --> 00:56:59,575
Don't, don't, stop, no, no!
1029
00:56:59,666 --> 00:57:02,586
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
1030
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:06,089
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
1031
00:57:06,173 --> 00:57:10,183
What the fuck,
what the fuck?!
1032
00:57:11,762 --> 00:57:13,602
Fuck!"
1033
00:57:13,680 --> 00:57:16,810
Air traffic control: "I don't know who's
on this frequency, but you really need--"
1034
00:57:16,892 --> 00:57:19,102
"Somebody just jumped out
of the fucking helicopter!"
1035
00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:22,233
Five days in.
1036
00:57:23,231 --> 00:57:24,861
So I read further into the story.
1037
00:57:24,942 --> 00:57:28,072
Turns out the guy who jumped out,
he was 61 years old,
1038
00:57:28,153 --> 00:57:31,453
terminally ill,
he was in pain every day.
1039
00:57:31,531 --> 00:57:33,911
They couldn't figure out what was
wrong with him, and he had had enough.
1040
00:57:33,992 --> 00:57:37,792
At that point, that guy immediately
became a hero in my world.
1041
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:40,621
Know what I love about him,
not only did he make the decision,
1042
00:57:40,707 --> 00:57:43,627
he didn't go out like
some pussy, right?
1043
00:57:43,710 --> 00:57:47,880
Handful of pills,
watching a romantic comedy,
1044
00:57:47,965 --> 00:57:50,175
wrapped in an afghan
that Nana made.
1045
00:57:50,258 --> 00:57:53,008
Fuck that.
Guy went out like a man.
1046
00:57:53,095 --> 00:57:56,555
"Take me up in a chopper,
I'm looking at the land I love,
1047
00:57:56,640 --> 00:57:58,640
and then I'm jumping out
like a superhero."
1048
00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:01,015
I loved it. Yeah.
1049
00:58:01,103 --> 00:58:04,023
[applause]
1050
00:58:04,106 --> 00:58:06,856
This guy should have been
wearing a fucking cape.
1051
00:58:08,276 --> 00:58:12,946
I can't imagine how elated he must
have been on that helicopter ride up
1052
00:58:13,031 --> 00:58:15,161
after finally just taking
back control of his life,
1053
00:58:15,242 --> 00:58:17,872
like, "Fuck you, disease. I decide."
1054
00:58:17,953 --> 00:58:21,213
Ripping tubes out,
gets a burger, shotguns a beer.
1055
00:58:21,289 --> 00:58:22,959
"Take me up in the chopper."
1056
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:26,001
He probably had his
fucking foot on the dashboard.
1057
00:58:26,086 --> 00:58:29,666
He's not even listening
to this guy giving the tour. Right?
1058
00:58:29,756 --> 00:58:33,676
"Over 27 miles of beaches,
put your seatbelt back on.
1059
00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:35,720
Established as a county in 1903.
1060
00:58:35,804 --> 00:58:41,604
Sir, please don't try to open the door.
No, no, don't, don't, don't!"
1061
00:58:41,685 --> 00:58:42,725
[screams]
1062
00:58:42,811 --> 00:58:44,481
[imitates wind whipping]
1063
00:58:47,024 --> 00:58:48,734
Incredible!
1064
00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:52,779
But here's the thing.
1065
00:58:52,863 --> 00:58:54,993
I left out one small thing.
1066
00:58:55,073 --> 00:58:56,533
There is one small thing.
1067
00:58:56,616 --> 00:58:58,116
The guy fucking lived.
1068
00:58:59,161 --> 00:59:00,791
Yeah.
1069
00:59:00,871 --> 00:59:04,041
Yeah, they were out
over the ocean, 500 feet up.
1070
00:59:04,124 --> 00:59:07,214
You'd think that would be enough so,
I'm thinking he must have gone in
1071
00:59:07,294 --> 00:59:10,674
like Greg Louganis,
like, no splash, just...
1072
00:59:11,965 --> 00:59:15,545
But witnesses said it looked like
a dummy was falling out of the air.
1073
00:59:15,635 --> 00:59:18,095
So that sounds
like a hell of an impact.
1074
00:59:18,180 --> 00:59:21,730
I think he accidentally did
the most epic 500-foot belly flop
1075
00:59:21,808 --> 00:59:24,898
in the history
of jumping out of a helicopter.
1076
00:59:24,978 --> 00:59:28,898
But that didn't change
what he was trying to do.
1077
00:59:28,982 --> 00:59:32,652
Where his heart was, I still
love this guy. I just feel bad for him.
1078
00:59:32,736 --> 00:59:35,906
On the way down, he's got to be thinking,
"Three more seconds of pain!
1079
00:59:35,989 --> 00:59:37,909
Two more seconds!"
1080
00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:39,281
Wham!
1081
00:59:40,410 --> 00:59:42,790
[agonized scream]
1082
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:51,760
"Oh, my God, this is worse!
1083
00:59:51,838 --> 00:59:53,378
This is way worse!"
1084
00:59:56,551 --> 01:00:01,061
It has a happy ending, though.
He later died at the hospital.
1085
01:00:01,139 --> 01:00:02,599
That's right.
1086
01:00:02,682 --> 01:00:04,772
So here's to him. God bless him.
1087
01:00:04,851 --> 01:00:06,651
I hope I have the balls someday.
1088
01:00:14,861 --> 01:00:18,161
So where do you go from there?
1089
01:00:18,240 --> 01:00:22,120
Well, as I mentioned,
last time I came through town,
1090
01:00:22,202 --> 01:00:24,082
I wanted to get a gun.
1091
01:00:24,162 --> 01:00:28,042
You know? I do. Yeah.
1092
01:00:28,125 --> 01:00:30,285
But I've finally given up on that.
I gave up on that dream.
1093
01:00:30,377 --> 01:00:32,797
My wife doesn't
want me to get one, so.
1094
01:00:32,879 --> 01:00:35,799
Yeah, she didn't want-- Dude,
you got to pick your fucking battles.
1095
01:00:35,882 --> 01:00:38,222
I'm gonna learn how to fly
a helicopter on the sly,
1096
01:00:38,301 --> 01:00:41,641
I can't fucking have some
.357 hanging around.
1097
01:00:41,721 --> 01:00:45,981
"I'll do whatever I want. All right?
What I say goes! Eat it!"
1098
01:00:46,059 --> 01:00:51,149
Can't be that person.
Now it fucking bums me out,
1099
01:00:51,231 --> 01:00:55,991
'cause all I wanted to do was
just get a .22, that's all I wanted.
1100
01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:59,159
Perfect gun for home protection,
.22 caliber.
1101
01:00:59,239 --> 01:01:01,739
You're laughing at that, sir?
That's not enough?
1102
01:01:01,825 --> 01:01:03,155
I don't know.
1103
01:01:03,243 --> 01:01:05,663
I'm down South.
What do you think?
1104
01:01:05,745 --> 01:01:07,325
That's not enough, right?
1105
01:01:07,414 --> 01:01:09,334
You want--
1106
01:01:09,416 --> 01:01:12,086
Shotgun, right? .44?
1107
01:01:13,086 --> 01:01:15,336
You guys are out of your minds.
1108
01:01:15,422 --> 01:01:17,262
You're out of your fucking minds.
1109
01:01:19,759 --> 01:01:23,509
Let me ask all you gun guys,
who are gonna make fun if I had a .22.
1110
01:01:23,597 --> 01:01:25,847
"What's with your .22?
That little queer gun.
1111
01:01:25,932 --> 01:01:28,812
Do you keep it between your buttocks?
Is that the holster?
1112
01:01:28,894 --> 01:01:31,444
Is that what you do
with your gay little gun?
1113
01:01:33,023 --> 01:01:34,323
You need a big gun."
1114
01:01:36,109 --> 01:01:37,239
All you fucking guys.
1115
01:01:37,319 --> 01:01:40,239
Let me ask you this,
all you guys with your guns...
1116
01:01:40,322 --> 01:01:42,872
have you ever shot the fucking thing
without earplugs?
1117
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:44,029
Have you ever done that?
1118
01:01:44,117 --> 01:01:46,827
Or you're like most people,
you take it down to the gun range,
1119
01:01:46,912 --> 01:01:50,122
you put your earplugs in,
put your headset on,
1120
01:01:50,207 --> 01:01:52,207
take it out of the briefcase.
1121
01:01:55,128 --> 01:01:59,168
You got your little yellow
tinted fucking glasses, right?
1122
01:02:00,300 --> 01:02:04,220
You look at your spread or whatever,
and then you put it back in there, right?
1123
01:02:06,139 --> 01:02:08,229
You ever shot that thing
without fucking earplugs?
1124
01:02:08,308 --> 01:02:11,138
'Cause that's what's gonna happen
when that intruder comes in.
1125
01:02:11,228 --> 01:02:14,728
You're not gonna have time to be,
"Hang on a second, let me just..."
1126
01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:20,196
Yeah, you're not gonna have time.
1127
01:02:20,278 --> 01:02:24,908
Dude, I shot a five-shot .38
one time without earplugs.
1128
01:02:24,991 --> 01:02:28,081
I was landscaping this guy's yard.
He comes out at the end of the job.
1129
01:02:28,161 --> 01:02:31,041
"Hey, I got this five-shot .38.
You want to go down the street?
1130
01:02:31,122 --> 01:02:34,752
There's a burned-out car.
We can take a couple of shots."
1131
01:02:34,834 --> 01:02:36,254
You know what's funny?
1132
01:02:36,336 --> 01:02:38,126
Every other state
is fuckin' dying laughing
1133
01:02:38,213 --> 01:02:42,303
at this point in the joke
because it's so goddamn ridiculous,
1134
01:02:42,384 --> 01:02:44,264
until I get down to the South.
1135
01:02:44,344 --> 01:02:48,774
And you guys just sit here
staring at me like,
1136
01:02:48,848 --> 01:02:50,928
"All right, so what happened?
1137
01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:56,978
Pretty standard, I thought this
was gonna be a comedy show.
1138
01:02:57,065 --> 01:03:00,355
You're reading from your journal?
I don't understand what the--
1139
01:03:02,320 --> 01:03:05,320
It's not a real compelling story."
1140
01:03:05,407 --> 01:03:09,157
I'm mowing a fucking lawn,
and a stranger comes out with a weapon
1141
01:03:09,244 --> 01:03:13,254
and says, "Let's shoot it
at a burned-out car!" Okay?
1142
01:03:14,291 --> 01:03:16,501
Jesus Christ, can we agree on that?
1143
01:03:17,961 --> 01:03:20,301
So I'm like, all right, let's do it,
fuck it. So I go down there.
1144
01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:23,298
Never shot a gun before.
1145
01:03:23,383 --> 01:03:26,803
I bring the gun up, point it at the car,
I pull the trigger.
1146
01:03:26,886 --> 01:03:31,136
I saw the muzzle flash, I felt a kick,
I never heard the gun.
1147
01:03:31,224 --> 01:03:32,484
I pulled the trigger,
all I just heard was...
1148
01:03:32,559 --> 01:03:35,939
[high-pitched tone]
1149
01:03:38,523 --> 01:03:42,403
I shot the gun four more times.
Never heard it.
1150
01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:46,025
Didn't get louder, didn't get quieter.
Just kept seeing flashes.
1151
01:03:46,114 --> 01:03:49,834
[high-pitched tone]
1152
01:03:52,912 --> 01:03:54,002
All right?
1153
01:03:56,082 --> 01:03:58,212
So let's take
one of your fucking guns.
1154
01:03:59,919 --> 01:04:03,009
Let's just say,
for the sake of argument.
1155
01:04:03,089 --> 01:04:07,839
All right, you got that thing sitting
on a nightstand, loaded. Right?
1156
01:04:07,927 --> 01:04:09,847
For God's sakes,
tell me you have it there.
1157
01:04:09,929 --> 01:04:12,349
Don't be one of these people that has
the gun here and the bullets there.
1158
01:04:12,432 --> 01:04:15,352
You got the thing fucking loaded,
ready to go.
1159
01:04:15,435 --> 01:04:17,345
3:00, 4:00 in the morning,
1160
01:04:17,437 --> 01:04:19,977
this is when the psycho's
coming in too, right?
1161
01:04:20,065 --> 01:04:23,435
That's when they come in,
3:00, 4:00 in the morning.
1162
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:27,196
They don't come by at 6:30 at night,
as you're cutting into a pork chop.
1163
01:04:29,074 --> 01:04:30,994
"I'm out of my mind,
I'm coming back in 20 minutes,
1164
01:04:31,076 --> 01:04:33,496
so stretch out your hammies
'cause it's gonna get crazy."
1165
01:04:34,621 --> 01:04:36,871
That's not how it works.
1166
01:04:36,956 --> 01:04:39,626
They wait till you're dead asleep,
3:00, 4:00 in the morning,
1167
01:04:39,709 --> 01:04:42,049
right before REM sleep is kicking in.
1168
01:04:44,047 --> 01:04:45,337
So let's just say
for the sake of argument,
1169
01:04:45,423 --> 01:04:47,263
all you gun guys,
you got your thing loaded, right?
1170
01:04:47,342 --> 01:04:50,222
Your piece, right?
Right there, loaded for bear.
1171
01:04:50,303 --> 01:04:53,433
You're lying there,
same scenario, right?
1172
01:04:53,515 --> 01:04:56,135
One leg under the covers,
one without. Shirt.
1173
01:04:57,352 --> 01:04:59,062
4:00 in the morning, you're just...
1174
01:04:59,145 --> 01:05:01,815
[snoring]
1175
01:05:11,491 --> 01:05:15,331
Meanwhile, some psycho, sneaking in
through the living room window, right?
1176
01:05:19,124 --> 01:05:20,634
He brings in a fucking sickle.
1177
01:05:26,297 --> 01:05:27,467
And he's just listening.
1178
01:05:30,343 --> 01:05:32,393
Listens all the way down
that hall and he just hears...
1179
01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:34,760
[snoring]
1180
01:05:40,603 --> 01:05:43,193
He's trying not to squeak
on the floorboards.
1181
01:05:45,525 --> 01:05:47,645
And you're just fucking lying there.
1182
01:05:50,363 --> 01:05:53,203
[snoring]
1183
01:05:57,704 --> 01:06:00,044
All of a sudden, that little dog
on the floor is just like...
1184
01:06:00,123 --> 01:06:03,043
[low growling]
1185
01:06:04,878 --> 01:06:08,338
[growling and snoring continue]
1186
01:06:10,008 --> 01:06:13,678
"What's the matter? What's the matter?
What's the matter?
1187
01:06:13,761 --> 01:06:15,141
What's the matter, boy?
1188
01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:19,429
You hear something?
What's the matter?
1189
01:06:21,561 --> 01:06:22,731
What are you barking for?
1190
01:06:24,731 --> 01:06:26,821
You're shaking.
What's the matter, huh?
1191
01:06:30,278 --> 01:06:31,948
You hear something? What's--?
1192
01:06:45,293 --> 01:06:48,133
Come on, man, quit fucking around.
I got to go to work tomorrow."
1193
01:06:48,213 --> 01:06:49,463
[snoring]
1194
01:06:49,547 --> 01:06:52,047
All of a sudden, boom!
That door flies open.
1195
01:06:52,133 --> 01:06:55,553
You just see this shadowy figure.
You pick up that gun. Blam!
1196
01:06:55,637 --> 01:06:56,967
[high-pitched tone]
1197
01:06:57,055 --> 01:06:59,015
And you fucking miss!
1198
01:06:59,098 --> 01:07:01,638
You miss! You can't see,
now you can't hear.
1199
01:07:01,726 --> 01:07:03,226
That's two out of five senses!
1200
01:07:03,311 --> 01:07:06,021
What, are you gonna taste him
as he comes around the bed?
1201
01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:08,565
You're still gonna be
shooting over here.
1202
01:07:08,650 --> 01:07:12,240
Meanwhile, you see this strobe light
psycho coming around the fucking bed.
1203
01:07:13,863 --> 01:07:15,203
Takes off your head.
1204
01:07:15,281 --> 01:07:18,541
If you had the .22,
you could still hear.
1205
01:07:18,618 --> 01:07:21,618
Your ears would be ringing, but you
could hear that fucker coming across,
1206
01:07:21,704 --> 01:07:25,754
and you could shoot at him,
and he would leave. He would leave.
1207
01:07:25,833 --> 01:07:28,713
You guys just won't
get off the fact that it's a fuckin' .22.
1208
01:07:28,795 --> 01:07:32,045
You're, like, psychotic with this shit.
All right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
1209
01:07:32,131 --> 01:07:35,681
Let me-- I will extend an olive branch
to you people, okay?
1210
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:36,930
I get it.
1211
01:07:37,971 --> 01:07:42,141
I get it that a .22
is basically a 'roided-up BB gun.
1212
01:07:42,225 --> 01:07:44,135
I got it, okay?
1213
01:07:44,227 --> 01:07:47,357
I understand that if you actually
want to kill somebody,
1214
01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:50,068
you have to basically have
the gun up to somebody's head
1215
01:07:50,149 --> 01:07:52,739
and be throwing a jab
as you pull the trigger.
1216
01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:56,449
I understand that. Okay?
1217
01:07:56,531 --> 01:08:02,371
But I maintain, I don't care who the fuck
the toughest person is in this house.
1218
01:08:02,453 --> 01:08:04,213
I could defend my house
with a BB gun.
1219
01:08:04,289 --> 01:08:05,539
I don't give a fuck
how tough you are.
1220
01:08:05,623 --> 01:08:06,873
I don't care.
1221
01:08:06,958 --> 01:08:08,708
If I started shooting at you
with a BB gun, at the very least,
1222
01:08:08,793 --> 01:08:12,213
you have to go back outside
and regroup. That's a fact.
1223
01:08:12,297 --> 01:08:13,667
That is a fact.
1224
01:08:13,756 --> 01:08:17,716
If I caught you in your elbow,
that might be the end of your night.
1225
01:08:21,723 --> 01:08:24,433
"Look, I'm coming back,
I'm coming back!"
1226
01:08:28,479 --> 01:08:30,569
I've been trying to get
along with my wife better.
1227
01:08:30,648 --> 01:08:35,278
I'm trying to dial down the douchebaggery
in my relationship.
1228
01:08:35,361 --> 01:08:38,451
I'm not turning out
the pilot light, though. All right?
1229
01:08:38,531 --> 01:08:40,201
I'm keeping some fight in me.
1230
01:08:40,283 --> 01:08:44,253
I'm not gonna be that henpecked guy
just standing there like,
1231
01:08:44,329 --> 01:08:46,499
"I guess we're making holiday cookies."
1232
01:08:50,293 --> 01:08:52,713
That dude
with the bowed shoulders.
1233
01:08:55,923 --> 01:08:59,593
"She makes them and then I'm supposed
to sprinkle the sugar on them.
1234
01:09:03,389 --> 01:09:06,269
I don't even think
they taste that good, but just--"
1235
01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:12,265
No, I stand my ground sometimes.
Sometimes I let it go.
1236
01:09:12,357 --> 01:09:14,227
You just got to figure it out.
1237
01:09:14,317 --> 01:09:16,777
We had a fight the other night,
she got so mad at me, she was like,
1238
01:09:16,861 --> 01:09:20,281
"You can just sleep downstairs.
You can just sleep downstairs."
1239
01:09:20,365 --> 01:09:21,815
I couldn't believe it.
1240
01:09:21,908 --> 01:09:24,538
It's one of the most arrogant things
I've ever heard in my life.
1241
01:09:24,619 --> 01:09:28,039
One adult telling another adult
where they can sleep.
1242
01:09:28,122 --> 01:09:29,332
"You can just sleep downstairs."
1243
01:09:29,415 --> 01:09:32,455
Like I was just gonna sit up in bed,
grab a blanket like Linus.
1244
01:09:32,543 --> 01:09:37,553
"All right. Hey,
where downstairs, by the way?
1245
01:09:37,632 --> 01:09:41,342
Like, over here downstairs,
or like more over here?
1246
01:09:41,427 --> 01:09:43,467
Where should I sleep?"
1247
01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:49,270
It's like, are you out of your mind?
I go, "I'm not sleeping downstairs."
1248
01:09:49,352 --> 01:09:50,562
She's like,
"Where you gonna sleep, then?"
1249
01:09:50,645 --> 01:09:52,515
I'm like, "Where I always sleep.
1250
01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:55,855
I will fucking sleep on your
side of the bed if I want to!
1251
01:09:55,942 --> 01:09:58,032
What are you gonna do?
I'm bigger than you.
1252
01:09:58,111 --> 01:10:00,571
I'll hang onto the covers,
try to get me out.
1253
01:10:00,655 --> 01:10:02,195
No tickling. Go ahead!"
1254
01:10:04,701 --> 01:10:05,871
Yeah, I was like,
1255
01:10:05,952 --> 01:10:08,962
"You don't tell me where to sleep.
I sleep where I want to sleep."
1256
01:10:09,038 --> 01:10:10,578
She's like, "Well, you don't
tell me where to sleep."
1257
01:10:10,665 --> 01:10:12,625
I'm like, "I'm not the one
telling people where to sleep!"
1258
01:10:14,544 --> 01:10:16,924
It was one of those
classic relationship fights.
1259
01:10:17,004 --> 01:10:19,634
It's like 2:00 in the morning,
you're both half naked.
1260
01:10:19,716 --> 01:10:22,296
She's not wearing a bra,
you got half a ball hanging out.
1261
01:10:22,385 --> 01:10:25,295
"And another thing!
No, no, I need to say this!
1262
01:10:25,388 --> 01:10:27,388
The other day, I felt slighted!"
1263
01:10:32,562 --> 01:10:36,322
It's fuckin' unreal, but what kills me
is that there's actually guys out there
1264
01:10:36,399 --> 01:10:38,399
that will actually listen to that shit.
1265
01:10:39,527 --> 01:10:41,697
Yeah, you talk to them, they'll be,
"Hey, how's it been going?"
1266
01:10:41,779 --> 01:10:45,279
"It's been rough last of couple nights
downstairs on the couch.
1267
01:10:45,366 --> 01:10:47,406
You know how that is, right?"
1268
01:10:47,493 --> 01:10:49,503
No, I don't.
1269
01:10:50,705 --> 01:10:52,365
I don't understand.
1270
01:10:54,250 --> 01:10:57,420
How did you get yourself
into that situation?
1271
01:10:59,589 --> 01:11:01,629
Like, what are you afraid of?
1272
01:11:01,716 --> 01:11:04,136
What is she gonna do if you say no?
1273
01:11:04,218 --> 01:11:07,178
What, is she gonna fucking chokeslam
you onto the kitchen table?
1274
01:11:09,557 --> 01:11:13,387
I understand if you're dating some woman
and she does that UFC MMA shit,
1275
01:11:13,478 --> 01:11:16,358
then you got to sleep where
she says to sleep, you got to.
1276
01:11:16,439 --> 01:11:18,649
She's gonna come at you.
"Well, let's get you in an arm bar."
1277
01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,743
"All right, all right, all right!"
Tapping out.
1278
01:11:20,818 --> 01:11:22,778
Or even worse,
she chokes you out.
1279
01:11:22,862 --> 01:11:25,492
You wake up on the couch,
like, 11 minutes later.
1280
01:11:28,493 --> 01:11:30,913
Just grab your jacket off
the back of the couch.
1281
01:11:30,995 --> 01:11:35,825
"I fucking hate when she does this.
It's like, it's not even fair.
1282
01:11:35,917 --> 01:11:38,377
Have a debate
like a normal person."
1283
01:11:39,504 --> 01:11:42,264
All right? I'm gonna talk somebody
down from a ledge here,
1284
01:11:42,340 --> 01:11:44,380
someone who's actually been
sleeping on the couch, okay?
1285
01:11:44,467 --> 01:11:46,637
So there's the first fear,
out the window.
1286
01:11:46,719 --> 01:11:49,389
Okay, she can't physically
dominate you, so that's gone.
1287
01:11:49,472 --> 01:11:52,522
What's the next fear?
She's gonna cut off the sex.
1288
01:11:52,600 --> 01:11:55,310
Yeah, rub one out.
Neutralized.
1289
01:11:56,771 --> 01:12:00,401
It's the most empty threat there is.
Do it right in front of her.
1290
01:12:00,483 --> 01:12:02,193
"Join me!"
1291
01:12:03,778 --> 01:12:05,658
Yeah.
1292
01:12:05,738 --> 01:12:07,948
I've never understood that threat.
1293
01:12:08,032 --> 01:12:10,832
That's like somebody putting
a chain around your refrigerator,
1294
01:12:10,910 --> 01:12:14,120
but you got a sandwich
in your pocket,
1295
01:12:14,205 --> 01:12:17,745
a never-ending sandwich,
like some biblical shit,
1296
01:12:17,834 --> 01:12:20,634
like Jesus with
the fucking bread or whatever.
1297
01:12:23,005 --> 01:12:25,625
So now what's the last thing
she can do?
1298
01:12:25,716 --> 01:12:29,386
What can she do now?
Be moody?
1299
01:12:29,470 --> 01:12:30,680
You can't handle that?
1300
01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:33,473
Walk by your TV
without looking at you.
1301
01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:37,564
Only make herself something
yummy out in the kitchen.
1302
01:12:37,645 --> 01:12:39,395
Who gives a fuck?
1303
01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:42,360
My wife does that, I just sit there,
I just start commentating.
1304
01:12:42,441 --> 01:12:45,031
"Here she comes again,
walking by the TV.
1305
01:12:45,111 --> 01:12:47,451
She really must be mad."
1306
01:12:48,573 --> 01:12:52,333
She's never body-slammed
me once, ever.
1307
01:12:55,413 --> 01:12:58,043
I'm not saying
to be a dick. All right?
1308
01:12:59,584 --> 01:13:02,344
I'm just saying,
you got to keep them honest.
1309
01:13:02,420 --> 01:13:04,420
Every once in a while,
you got to have a little pushback.
1310
01:13:04,505 --> 01:13:06,755
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey."
1311
01:13:06,841 --> 01:13:10,431
Rest of the shit--
I'm learning that about women.
1312
01:13:10,511 --> 01:13:12,601
You just want to keep them calm.
1313
01:13:12,680 --> 01:13:15,980
Just keep them calm,
like a rescue dog, right?
1314
01:13:16,058 --> 01:13:19,978
Just everything's cool,
everything's cool, just,
1315
01:13:20,062 --> 01:13:22,232
"Yeah, yeah, yeah,
this is great, this is great,
1316
01:13:22,315 --> 01:13:23,605
I'm having a great time.
1317
01:13:23,691 --> 01:13:24,941
No, your friends are awesome,
1318
01:13:25,026 --> 01:13:28,026
your friends are awesome,
very interesting party.
1319
01:13:28,112 --> 01:13:30,782
I am talking to people,
I'm talking to people,
1320
01:13:30,865 --> 01:13:33,695
I am having a good time here."
1321
01:13:34,785 --> 01:13:35,945
That's what you do.
1322
01:13:36,037 --> 01:13:40,497
You just do that enough, then when you
bark back, you got a little something.
1323
01:13:40,583 --> 01:13:43,133
Here's an olive branch
I've extended to her.
1324
01:13:43,210 --> 01:13:45,380
It's basically...
1325
01:13:45,463 --> 01:13:48,013
We fight a lot over television.
1326
01:13:48,090 --> 01:13:51,680
I've kind of come her way,
she's come my way.
1327
01:13:51,761 --> 01:13:53,681
She watches a little bit of sports,
1328
01:13:53,763 --> 01:13:56,183
I occasionally will watch
a romantic comedy.
1329
01:13:56,307 --> 01:13:58,677
Which, I don't care, the nerd's
gonna fuck the cheerleader.
1330
01:13:58,768 --> 01:14:00,388
I'll watch it, right?
1331
01:14:01,938 --> 01:14:03,978
I don't mind them,
it's an uplifting story.
1332
01:14:04,065 --> 01:14:07,895
I just don't like the love scenes
in romantic comedies.
1333
01:14:07,985 --> 01:14:09,485
They creep me out.
1334
01:14:09,570 --> 01:14:13,660
They're just so fucking nice.
It's, like, missionary-style.
1335
01:14:13,741 --> 01:14:17,081
There's candles.
That stupid saxophone music.
1336
01:14:17,161 --> 01:14:20,161
[imitates saxophone]
1337
01:14:20,247 --> 01:14:21,957
It always goes down.
1338
01:14:22,041 --> 01:14:25,461
Like the saxophone
implies the penetration, right?
1339
01:14:25,544 --> 01:14:27,134
'Cause they can't show it.
1340
01:14:27,213 --> 01:14:30,683
They got to make her this
one-dimensional, this little angel.
1341
01:14:30,758 --> 01:14:34,298
They ignore
the other 90% of her sexuality.
1342
01:14:34,387 --> 01:14:36,597
No hair-pulling, no ass-slapping,
none of that shit.
1343
01:14:36,681 --> 01:14:40,431
None of that taboo stuff
of a woman's sexuality.
1344
01:14:40,518 --> 01:14:41,638
That's never brought up.
1345
01:14:41,727 --> 01:14:44,767
That whole "Hold me down
but let me up, but hold me down.
1346
01:14:45,856 --> 01:14:49,736
Choke me, but let me breathe, but kind of
scare the shit out of me a little bit.
1347
01:14:49,819 --> 01:14:51,779
I want to feel your power
but I want to be safe,
1348
01:14:51,862 --> 01:14:54,452
but let me know
if you really wanted to."
1349
01:14:54,532 --> 01:14:57,032
That whole Fifty Shades of Rape,
whatever the hell that is.
1350
01:14:57,118 --> 01:14:58,998
Yeah.
1351
01:14:59,078 --> 01:15:01,708
I don't even pretend
to understand it.
1352
01:15:01,789 --> 01:15:06,249
I remember the first time a woman wanted
to get me to choke her a little bit.
1353
01:15:06,335 --> 01:15:08,205
I didn't even know
what she was doing.
1354
01:15:08,295 --> 01:15:10,295
I was just so psyched
to be getting laid, I was like...
1355
01:15:12,383 --> 01:15:17,813
And she just kept taking my hand,
and she kept putting it right here.
1356
01:15:17,888 --> 01:15:19,178
I didn't know what she was doing.
1357
01:15:19,265 --> 01:15:21,885
I thought she was testing
my core strength or some shit.
1358
01:15:25,229 --> 01:15:26,979
And finally, I was just like,
"What are you doing?"
1359
01:15:27,064 --> 01:15:29,734
She says, like, "I don't know.
I just kinda like, ya know.
1360
01:15:29,817 --> 01:15:32,897
It's like squeeze a little bit
and kind of like squeeze it.
1361
01:15:32,987 --> 01:15:35,657
Why don't you want to do it?
It'll be fun."
1362
01:15:35,740 --> 01:15:37,070
Why don't I want to do it?
1363
01:15:37,158 --> 01:15:39,698
I don't think I want
a passed-out naked woman
1364
01:15:39,785 --> 01:15:41,745
with my fingerprints
all around her neck.
1365
01:15:41,829 --> 01:15:44,539
Having the cops show up.
"Yeah, she's in here, Officer.
1366
01:15:44,623 --> 01:15:48,503
Damndest thing, it was her idea.
I swear to God, it was her idea!"
1367
01:15:52,214 --> 01:15:54,434
Yeah, they always make it nice
in those movies.
1368
01:15:54,508 --> 01:15:56,758
The raciest thing they'll do is
every once in a while,
1369
01:15:56,844 --> 01:15:59,474
they'll kiss up against a wall.
1370
01:15:59,555 --> 01:16:02,515
I guess women like walls.
I didn't know that.
1371
01:16:02,600 --> 01:16:04,770
A lot of up-against-the-wall kissing.
1372
01:16:04,852 --> 01:16:07,102
"Oh, my God, it's the wall.
Oh, my God!
1373
01:16:07,188 --> 01:16:09,818
It's supporting me,
maybe he'll support me,
1374
01:16:09,899 --> 01:16:12,029
it's a metaphor, I love it."
1375
01:16:14,570 --> 01:16:16,910
Yeah, I saw one the other night,
they were doing that,
1376
01:16:16,989 --> 01:16:19,449
and then out of nowhere, they started
having sex up against the wall.
1377
01:16:19,533 --> 01:16:22,453
I'm like, finally, something
a little bit more interesting, right?
1378
01:16:22,536 --> 01:16:25,706
But they were doing it standing up
facing each other, missionary-style.
1379
01:16:25,790 --> 01:16:29,790
Arguably one of the most
difficult positions there is,
1380
01:16:29,877 --> 01:16:33,047
and they were doing it
with little to no difficulty.
1381
01:16:33,130 --> 01:16:35,880
All she did was lift her leg up
like that, and that was it.
1382
01:16:35,966 --> 01:16:38,336
He was off to the races.
1383
01:16:38,427 --> 01:16:40,467
I ruined the movie for my wife.
1384
01:16:40,554 --> 01:16:43,604
I'm like,
"That is fucking bullshit!
1385
01:16:43,682 --> 01:16:45,232
Bullshit."
1386
01:16:45,309 --> 01:16:47,849
What does the guy have,
like, a U-shaped dick?
1387
01:16:47,937 --> 01:16:49,227
How is he doing anything?
1388
01:16:49,313 --> 01:16:51,193
Is he sticking it in her navel?
1389
01:16:51,273 --> 01:16:54,193
Did he grease up her thighs,
to hell with her needs?
1390
01:16:54,276 --> 01:16:56,856
Like, if all she's gonna do is this,
1391
01:16:56,946 --> 01:17:00,866
she's got to bring it up like an offsides
call, if that's what she's doing.
1392
01:17:00,950 --> 01:17:05,750
All right? If not, you got
to make some adjustments.
1393
01:17:05,830 --> 01:17:10,040
You just got to grab the other leg,
you got to try to pick her up there,
1394
01:17:10,126 --> 01:17:11,626
use these muscles.
1395
01:17:11,710 --> 01:17:15,260
[screaming]
1396
01:17:15,339 --> 01:17:17,629
Maybe you could grab
a doorjamb, drop down,
1397
01:17:17,716 --> 01:17:20,926
try to come in, try to do that.
1398
01:17:21,011 --> 01:17:23,641
Dude, nobody can do that
other than a porn star
1399
01:17:23,722 --> 01:17:25,722
for longer than 18 seconds
before they're like,
1400
01:17:25,808 --> 01:17:28,058
"All right, this is ridiculous, okay?
1401
01:17:28,144 --> 01:17:29,944
My calves are burning,
1402
01:17:30,020 --> 01:17:33,860
I can't get nearly enough momentum
to do any sort of damage.
1403
01:17:33,941 --> 01:17:37,571
I can literally feel you
getting on with your day
1404
01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:41,873
with every pathetic attempt
to try and rock your world."
1405
01:17:41,949 --> 01:17:44,739
These guys in the movie,
they have no problem banging away,
1406
01:17:44,827 --> 01:17:47,117
then they pick them up
like they're not heavy.
1407
01:17:47,204 --> 01:17:52,504
They start walking down, they see the bed,
they just lay her down on the bed.
1408
01:17:52,585 --> 01:17:55,625
Dude, I'm not trying to be a dick,
but every woman in here is heavy.
1409
01:17:57,006 --> 01:18:01,546
Yeah, you're heavy.
You're an adult female!
1410
01:18:01,635 --> 01:18:03,385
Jesus Christ, when do you stop
picking up your kids?
1411
01:18:03,470 --> 01:18:05,220
When they're, like,
five or six?
1412
01:18:05,306 --> 01:18:06,886
"Get off of me! Jesus Christ.
1413
01:18:06,974 --> 01:18:09,814
You're gonna throw out my back.
Go jump on your brother."
1414
01:18:13,105 --> 01:18:19,565
An adult woman weighs 115 pounds,
120, all the way up to God knows what.
1415
01:18:20,905 --> 01:18:22,695
And it's not balanced weight.
1416
01:18:22,781 --> 01:18:25,531
Most of it's in your thighs
and in your ass.
1417
01:18:25,618 --> 01:18:29,288
Your head's hanging off
trying to counterbalance.
1418
01:18:29,371 --> 01:18:31,041
Dude, when guys go to the gym,
1419
01:18:31,123 --> 01:18:33,793
we don't put 30 pounds on one side
and a buck-80 over here.
1420
01:18:33,876 --> 01:18:35,746
"Fuckin' yeah!"
1421
01:18:38,297 --> 01:18:39,837
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
1422
01:18:42,593 --> 01:18:44,893
Trying to carry a naked woman,
1423
01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:47,770
it's like trying to carry
a half-filled waterbed mattress.
1424
01:18:47,848 --> 01:18:50,178
You're, like, bumping into shit.
1425
01:18:50,267 --> 01:18:52,767
When you see the bed,
you don't walk to it,
1426
01:18:52,853 --> 01:18:54,983
you slowly start
picking up momentum.
1427
01:18:57,691 --> 01:19:01,611
Then she bounces off this mattress,
hits the wall, slides down,
1428
01:19:01,695 --> 01:19:03,235
the whole sex vibe's ruined,
1429
01:19:03,322 --> 01:19:06,702
and you're back to your
sandwich in your pocket.
1430
01:19:06,784 --> 01:19:09,124
All right, I'm out of time.
You guys were awesome.
1431
01:19:09,203 --> 01:19:11,293
Thank you so much.
1432
01:19:11,372 --> 01:19:14,962
Thank you, thank you.
I had a great time.
1433
01:19:17,670 --> 01:19:19,670
I'll see you next time.
Thank you.
1434
01:19:20,756 --> 01:19:22,756
[cheers and applause]
121981
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