All language subtitles for American Dad - 16x12 - Lumberjerk.BAE.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,134 --> 00:00:02,734 ♪♪ 2 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:05,269 [ LOUD FIDDLE MUSIC PLAYS] 3 00:00:05,271 --> 00:00:08,873 ♪♪ 4 00:00:08,875 --> 00:00:11,675 Stan, it's 5:00 a.m. 5 00:00:11,677 --> 00:00:14,212 - [ MUSIC STOPS] - On opening day of the state fair! 6 00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:17,882 Just 25 measly miles between me and those gates. 7 00:00:17,884 --> 00:00:20,284 [ FIDDLE MUSIC RESUMES] 8 00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:24,756 ♪ 25 miles until I get to heeeaven ♪ 9 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,124 Ah! [GRUNTS] 10 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:31,495 ♪ 25 miles until I reach the gaaates ♪ 11 00:00:31,497 --> 00:00:32,830 [GAGGING] 12 00:00:32,832 --> 00:00:34,298 [SQUEAKING] 13 00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:38,970 ♪ 25 miles until I get to the state fair ♪ 14 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:42,306 ♪ Where me, ole Stanny-boy ♪ 15 00:00:42,308 --> 00:00:45,910 ♪ Can plaaaaaay ♪ 16 00:00:45,912 --> 00:00:46,978 [ MUSIC STOPS] 17 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,313 Gross. Dad, put a shirt on. 18 00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:50,982 And... [SCOFFS] what's with the denim? 19 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,317 This is my state fair outfit, ya doofus. 20 00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:54,718 It's opening day. 21 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,055 The only day the lumberjacks are there signing autographs. 22 00:00:58,057 --> 00:01:00,825 And this year, I'm getting my poster signed. 23 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,395 Huh. Weird. 24 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,129 That's how you're spending your yearly bonding day 25 00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,598 - with Jeff? - Wait. What? 26 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,067 ♪ 'Cause my wife wants her dad to see ♪ 27 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,936 ♪ I'm not worthless ♪ 28 00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:13,271 ♪ Yes! ♪ 29 00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:19,611 ♪ It's Stan and Jeff's bondage daaaaaay! ♪ 30 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,013 No! That can't be today. 31 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,082 Hey, this guy's hot. 32 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:27,619 When I was little, I used to play pretend lumberjack. 33 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,153 Play pretend? 34 00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,623 Hayley, he's doing it again. He's being an idiot. 35 00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:34,426 Dad! He looked up that word the last time you said it, 36 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,560 and he might still know what it means. 37 00:01:36,562 --> 00:01:38,963 Look, I can't have this boy with me around the L-Jacks. 38 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,031 He's embarrassing. 39 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,433 Well, that was our bet. 40 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,301 You said our marriage wouldn't last a year. 41 00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:45,703 It was a safe bet. Half of marriages end in divorce. 42 00:01:45,705 --> 00:01:47,238 Why can't yours? 43 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,507 So now you have to hang out with Jeff one day a year. 44 00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:52,243 Fine. Okay. But he's such an... 45 00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:53,311 ignoramus? 46 00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:55,313 - Sure. Give it a spin. - Ignoramus! 47 00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:57,849 Ooh! Are we playing dinosaurs?! 48 00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:00,118 - Sure. - Rawr! 49 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,922 I'm the great and powerful Ignoranus! 50 00:02:04,924 --> 00:02:07,792 ♪♪ 51 00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,794 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 52 00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:13,731 ♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪ 53 00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:16,801 ♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪ 54 00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:21,373 ♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪ 55 00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:26,610 ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪ 56 00:02:26,612 --> 00:02:29,280 - ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 57 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,315 Aah! 58 00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:34,886 ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪ 59 00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:37,288 ♪♪ 60 00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:39,023 The fair has many distractions, 61 00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:41,893 but we're here for one thing and one thing only. 62 00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:44,763 The jackin' zone. 63 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,632 Oh, maaan! I crinkled it all up! 64 00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:50,634 I'm a stupid idiot. 65 00:02:50,636 --> 00:02:51,903 Tissue for your tears, sir? 66 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,305 Is this a paper towel? 67 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:56,240 [CHUCKLES] Well. I am a lumberjack. 68 00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:59,043 Wow! That's quite a jaw you have. 69 00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:00,444 [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] 70 00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:03,415 Say, have you ever thought about jackin', my friend? 71 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,919 R-r-r-really?! Like with a big old axe? 72 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,654 Totally! With an axe, a beard. 73 00:03:10,656 --> 00:03:12,456 All the lumberjack things. 74 00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:14,926 We compete in the Langley woods off route 80. 75 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,794 We've even got an amateur division, 76 00:03:16,796 --> 00:03:18,396 and there's an opening in doubles. 77 00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:20,865 You could, uh, join up with your son here. 78 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:21,933 This guy's not my son. 79 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,201 [CLICKING] 80 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,070 This is my son. 81 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,541 Whoa. Babe alert. 82 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,876 ♪♪ 83 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,477 Thanks for pretending you're my mom 84 00:03:33,479 --> 00:03:35,479 so I can get my ears pierced, Mrs. Smith. 85 00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:39,083 No problem. I want my son's friends to look hot. 86 00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:41,619 Snot, look! 87 00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,155 It's one of those contests! 88 00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:47,359 Whoever keeps their hand on the truck longest wins it. 89 00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,228 Wow. A truck would be a godsend. 90 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,697 My mom has had to pick up a lot of farm work lately. 91 00:03:53,699 --> 00:03:55,433 Winning this truck could be the difference 92 00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:57,435 between life and death for us. 93 00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,904 And if we win it, we could park it 94 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,440 on Tuttle's front lawn for a joke! 95 00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:05,076 [STEVE AND FRANCINE LAUGH] 96 00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,111 - Oh! Let me in there! - It's starting! 97 00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,646 - Check it out! - Ooh, ooh, ooh! 98 00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:10,982 This kind of contest brings out the worst in people. 99 00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,450 Don't trust anybody. 100 00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:14,786 They're just trying to get your hand off the truck. 101 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,454 Got it. 102 00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,856 Oh, to help us pass the time, why don't you show us 103 00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:21,793 your famous Sicilian grandmother impression, Snot? 104 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,994 [ITALIAN ACCENT] Ah-ha! 105 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,196 Whenaya gonna get a-married-uh? 106 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,864 That kid took his hand off! 107 00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:28,400 Steve! How could you? 108 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,134 Take a hike, rookie. 109 00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:32,070 [METAL SCRAPING] 110 00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:35,339 Hop in, Schmuley! We gotta get this cow to Lancaster county! 111 00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:38,076 [DOOR CREAKS, METAL SCRAPING] 112 00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:42,180 ♪♪ 113 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:45,249 STAN: Oh, Buckle would be a great lumberjack partner. 114 00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:46,985 - [BEEP, LINE RINGING] - BUCKLE: Yello? 115 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,519 Buckle, my man! How'd you like... 116 00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:52,190 Ha! You've reached my machine! 117 00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,058 - Leave a message! - [ BEEP] 118 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,393 [CHUCKLES] 119 00:04:55,395 --> 00:04:58,062 Nobody makes me laugh harder than you, Buckle. 120 00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,730 You're a real dick. 121 00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:01,332 [BEEP] 122 00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:04,068 Lewis, I'm looking for a partner to jack with. 123 00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:06,070 Oh, no, no, no. I-I mean lumber jack. 124 00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:07,205 - [ CLICK] - Hello? 125 00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,339 Dick, what's up? 126 00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,541 Hooper, my bud. Dooper. 127 00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:12,943 Bullock, sir, I need your help. Hello, Tuttle. 128 00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:14,745 Ms. Peaches, you may not remember me, 129 00:05:14,747 --> 00:05:17,048 but you taught me art in elementary school. 130 00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:20,218 Huh. Girl Smith? 131 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,820 Probably Hayley or Francine. 132 00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,754 - Could be someone else. - [BEEP] 133 00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:24,823 Hey, Dad. 134 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,224 [SIGHS HEAVILY] Hey, Hayley. 135 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,226 Will you please be my lumberjack partner? 136 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:30,428 Oh. This is the thing Jeff was telling me about. 137 00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,697 He said he really wanted to do this with you. 138 00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:34,032 Yeah, anybody but him. 139 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:37,235 Dad, just do it with him. He might actually be helpful. 140 00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:40,638 And if he's not, I will never make you do bonding day again. 141 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:41,649 [BEEP] 142 00:05:41,651 --> 00:05:43,374 [SCREAMS] 143 00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:45,309 [GRUNTING] Damn it! 144 00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:47,978 Hanging out with Jeff to never hang out with Jeff again? 145 00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,248 It's a gotdang Catch-Jeffy-2! 146 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,050 The world's so sucky! 147 00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,652 [BREATHES DEEPLY] 148 00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:55,520 [BEEP] 149 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,122 I've considered your offer. I think it's a fair deal. 150 00:05:58,124 --> 00:05:59,724 You know I can hear you, right? 151 00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,459 We share a wall. 152 00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,995 Howdy, partner! 153 00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:06,797 [INSECTS CHIRPING] 154 00:06:06,799 --> 00:06:09,734 Wow. It's amazing how many people got phone calls 155 00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,802 and suddenly ran off for no reason. 156 00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:14,005 Oh, there was a reason. 157 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,407 Ever heard of..."arson"? 158 00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:19,343 You... had their homes burned down? 159 00:06:19,345 --> 00:06:21,279 Well, I don't wanna brag. 160 00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,679 Get off my truck! My wife's in labor! 161 00:06:23,714 --> 00:06:25,149 - No late joiners. - [BREATHING SHARPLY] 162 00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,418 The contest already started, buddy. 163 00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,487 And ended! That was this morning. 164 00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,089 I didn't want a hot hardbody. 165 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,757 That's why I parked in the shade. 166 00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:36,761 What do you think, mom? She does look pregnant. 167 00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:39,430 In labor, my ass! 168 00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:40,899 Put your cervix on the glass! 169 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,300 [BREATHING SHARPLY] 170 00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,502 AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Welcome, lumberjacks! 171 00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:47,505 We have a very exciting doubles heat for you today! 172 00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,640 Next up on the standing block chop, 173 00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:52,777 a team making their amateur debut... 174 00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:56,247 Stan Smith and Jeff Fister! 175 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,249 Fister. That's how I signed you up. 176 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,719 'Cause you're worthless, just like a fist. 177 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,788 Ready positions! 178 00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:04,855 [PISTOL FIRES] 179 00:07:04,857 --> 00:07:05,857 [TWANG!] 180 00:07:05,858 --> 00:07:07,325 Oww! 181 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,328 AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Look at him go! 182 00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,397 Not since Woody Woodpecker himself 183 00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:15,266 have I seen anybody chewin' up wood like this! 184 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,603 Oh, my God. This Fister guy is better than me. 185 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,672 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 186 00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:23,808 It's a record! 187 00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:25,143 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 188 00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,545 Wow! Fister! That was amazing! 189 00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:30,749 Fister's not his name! That was my hilarious joke! 190 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,618 Plus, I got that log started like 90%. 191 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,087 So, really, you guys should be impressed by me. 192 00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,555 And my Jack hands. 193 00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:39,958 Fellow L-Jacks call 'em "Jack Hands," 194 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,760 as my friends can attest, Jeff. 195 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:45,196 It's what happens when you jack so hard and fast, Jeff. 196 00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:48,034 AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: As we reach the middle 197 00:07:48,055 --> 00:07:49,836 of the lumberjacking season, 198 00:07:49,915 --> 00:07:52,337 no team has been more fun to watch 199 00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,272 than Smith and Fister. 200 00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:58,476 Let's see them work their magic in doubles speed-climbing. 201 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,745 [PISTOL FIRES] 202 00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:02,613 Fister taking charge, 203 00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,816 carrying Smith like a reverse kangaroo! 204 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,485 [BELL CLANGS] 205 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,220 ♪♪ 206 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,757 I am Smith, vertical wood cheetah! 207 00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:17,228 Oh, you looked so sexy scaling that tree, babe. 208 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,030 Minus my dad humping your back. 209 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,298 Thanks, babe. 210 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,767 But you know what's really sexy? 211 00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:26,037 Finally getting to have some quality time with your dad. 212 00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,505 What are you talking about? 213 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,774 He's using you to look good in front of the lumberjacks, 214 00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:31,642 and he's not giving you any credit. 215 00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,778 Jeff, I'm taking the L-Jacks back to my place 216 00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:34,913 for some F-Jacks. 217 00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:38,316 That's flapjack, as any real jack-jock would already know 218 00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,518 and not need explained, at the dear cost 219 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,653 of slowing down the exit of the Jack Pack. 220 00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:44,388 Peace out! 221 00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:45,990 That's a real D-Bag move. 222 00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:48,793 Maybe you should think about ditching my dad and going solo. 223 00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,194 I don't know, babe. 224 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,264 I'm so close to him realizing I'm not worthless. 225 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,400 Of course you're not worthless. 226 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,667 You're my whole world. 227 00:08:57,207 --> 00:08:58,669 Can you find your own ride home? 228 00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,406 I'm getting trashed with Danuta at the Pickle Palace tonight. 229 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,007 She's in a sexual relationship 230 00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,208 with some of the bartenders there. 231 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,076 Peace out! 232 00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:08,613 Wow. Danuta. 233 00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,148 Good for her. 234 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,617 ♪♪ 235 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,085 How many times must I tell you? 236 00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:17,488 This is not a contest. This is my life... 237 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,557 Hey, is that breast milk? Can I get a pull? 238 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,492 If you people get out of my garage, 239 00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:24,028 you can have all the breast milk you want! 240 00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:26,164 Puh-lease. When I win this truck, 241 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,100 women will be chucking breast milk at me. 242 00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,636 - [CHEWING] - STAN: Mm. Oh. 243 00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,506 Now, me and Jeff don't always eat Flappy-Js... 244 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,776 another word for F-Jacks, Jeff, try to keep up... 245 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,910 with our shirts off, but I just thought you guys 246 00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:43,047 should see how much better my body is than my partner's. 247 00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:45,249 HAYLEY: [SLURRING] Your partner's? 248 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:47,118 [CRUNCHING] 249 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,919 - [GLASS SHATTERS] - Shyeah right. 250 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,322 Jeff's the only one choppin' and sawin'. 251 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,991 He might as well be on his own. 252 00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,725 Psh. Yeah, okay, whatever. 253 00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,661 Can you guys believe this nonsense? 254 00:09:57,864 --> 00:09:59,998 [CHEWING] 255 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,400 See? They all know it's true. 256 00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:05,203 - Jeff's better off without you. - That's ridiculous. 257 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,271 And there's no way to know for sure who's better anyway. 258 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,541 So you'll just have to trust me and the guys that I'm better. 259 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,076 There's a solo competition. 260 00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:14,145 Bring it on. 261 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,481 I would "bring it on," obviously, 262 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,216 but it's probably not the season. 263 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,818 He's right. It's not the season. 264 00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,752 Well, you lucked out this time, Jeff. 265 00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,822 Your embarrassment will just have to wait. 266 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,457 Season starts Tuesday. 267 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:27,892 [SOFT RUMBLING] 268 00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,093 Roger, you gotta help me! 269 00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:31,629 - Gooo awayyyy. - Roger, please. 270 00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,232 You gotta teach me everything you know about solo jacking. 271 00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,566 And to be clear, I mean... 272 00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,901 Singles competition timber sports. 273 00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,837 What else could you mean? But why? 274 00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,506 - Ugh. It's a whole thing with Jeff... - Say no more. 275 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,708 Well, I do want to give a few more details. 276 00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:45,710 Do you remember when we first met Jeff 277 00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:47,846 and he was only wearing one flip-flop? 278 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,914 - _ - So, not only was the watermelon seedless... 279 00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:51,516 Stop, stop, stop! 280 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:54,653 You wanna look good in front of those gorgeous-ass lumberjacks. 281 00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,320 Just give me a second. 282 00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,990 Huge Jeanman-Jackman. Lumberjack coach. 283 00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:03,594 Listen, I used to be the greatest coach of Lumber Jerks 284 00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:06,865 in the Pacific Northwest 'til I punched a student in the face. 285 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,800 And then I punched another. Got a teensy drinking problem. 286 00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:11,669 I've punched every single one of 'em. 287 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,805 Gaaah! I wanna sock your ugly mug so bad, I can taste it! 288 00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:17,408 But I respect boundaries. I'm not your coach. 289 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:20,144 You're hired. Ugh! Unh! 290 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,448 Oops. I shouldn't have done that before I did this. 291 00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,551 [SLURRING] When my hair's a-danglin', 292 00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:27,952 I've been a-drinkin'. 293 00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:29,554 And now I can do this. 294 00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:32,090 - Unh! - And back to this! 295 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,225 And back and forth! Enh! 296 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,359 Unh! Unh! 297 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,428 Ad infinitum! 298 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,098 Unh! Unh! Unh! 299 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:42,100 [PUNCHES LANDING] 300 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:46,371 ♪♪ 301 00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:47,906 [PISTOL FIRES] 302 00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:50,040 ♪♪ 303 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,242 Whoo-ooh! 304 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,778 Hair's a-danglin'! 305 00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:56,647 ♪♪ 306 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,383 [GASPS] 307 00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,118 [PISTOL FIRES] 308 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,255 ♪♪ 309 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,557 [APPLAUSE] 310 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,128 Ugh! I instantly regret throwing my pickle! 311 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,662 Ah, that's my cue. 312 00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,598 Get your replacement pickles here! 313 00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,533 Pickles for chuckin' and chewin'! 314 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:18,069 I oughta punch your pickle! 315 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,670 Ooh! Oh, no, you don't. 316 00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:22,741 Hoppity-boppity-boppity-boppity- boppity-boppity-boppity-boppity! 317 00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:24,275 [CLICK] 318 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:25,944 [CHAINSAW BUZZING] 319 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,946 ♪♪ 320 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,748 [CHAINSAWS BUZZING] 321 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,882 AUSTRALIAN ANNOUNCER: Smith and Fister are neck-and-neck 322 00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:34,619 as they saw through their final cookie! 323 00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,821 This is gonna be really close! 324 00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:40,425 ♪♪ 325 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,160 A tie! A tie! 326 00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:43,962 Fister and Smith both qualify 327 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:47,565 for the world championship in Alaska! 328 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,434 Roger, your training worked! 329 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,036 Hit me again! I wanna smoke Jeff in Alaska. 330 00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:55,506 I'm happy to hit you, Stan, but it's gonna be with the truth. 331 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,041 You'll never win in Alaska. 332 00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,909 Of course I will. You saw me out there. 333 00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:02,046 I did. But Alaska? That's the championships. 334 00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,515 They're gonna check to make sure the wood isn't butter. 335 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,184 How can wood be butter? 336 00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,519 I have been replacing all your wood 337 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:11,122 with a simulacrum made of the product... butter. 338 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:14,725 Butterwood. The trick wood you've been chopping and sawing. 339 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,395 We've been cheating. You're a terrible lumberjack! 340 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:18,997 [GROANS] 341 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,665 Aw. Don't be sad. 342 00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:23,635 How 'bout a couple of quick punches to cheer me up? 343 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,205 ♪♪ 344 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:31,743 [FABRIC SWISHING] 345 00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:33,477 Gah! [GROANS] 346 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,213 Coat's loud as hell, man. 347 00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,881 My puffy patagonia? 348 00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:39,417 Won't fit in my suitcase, so I'm wearing it on the plane. 349 00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:40,552 Why aren't you ready? 350 00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:42,086 Oh, I'm not going to Alaska. 351 00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,287 What? Why?! 352 00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:45,022 I have to get my veneers replaced. 353 00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:47,359 I know, I know. Doesn't look like I have veneers 354 00:13:47,361 --> 00:13:49,561 or would even be a person who gets veneers. 355 00:13:49,563 --> 00:13:51,963 But now you know my very expensive secret. 356 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:53,231 [POP!] 357 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,498 [SQUISHING] 358 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,033 Roger, I need your help. 359 00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,835 I can't beat Jeff without cheating! 360 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,772 I gotchya. Hand me that turbo booster over there. 361 00:14:00,774 --> 00:14:03,707 You're gonna turbo boost Jeff's chainsaw. 362 00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:06,578 This puppy will make his saw too powerful to control. 363 00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,980 Turbo boost him right out of the championship. 364 00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,448 Thank you so much. 365 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,451 Please, Stan, just leave. My head, your voice. 366 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,518 [FABRIC SWISHING] 367 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,588 And your [BLEEP] jacket! 368 00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:18,590 [ENGINE RUMBLING] 369 00:14:18,592 --> 00:14:21,426 [PASSENGERS SNORING] 370 00:14:25,399 --> 00:14:26,765 [POOF!] 371 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:42,680 Oh, mama. Look at that saw! 372 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,916 I gotta feel the heft of that baby. 373 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,954 Ohh. Just a little tugaroo won't kill anyone. 374 00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:51,889 [SOFTLY] Wait! It's been turbo-boosted! 375 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,557 You can't possibly control it! 376 00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,693 [COCKY] I think I can control it. 377 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,762 No! You're not a professional lumberjack! 378 00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,831 - You're just a pilot! - [GASPS] 379 00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,033 ♪ Lumberjack superhero ♪ 380 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:05,103 Put that down! You'll never be a lumberjack! 381 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:08,306 Now get inside and study your pilot books! 382 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,974 I don't want your life! 383 00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:12,576 [SOBBING] 384 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:15,379 [SOBBING] Screw you, Dad! 385 00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:16,448 [MOTOR STARTS] 386 00:15:16,450 --> 00:15:20,051 [PILOT SCREAMING] 387 00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,253 [PLANE ENGINES WHINING] 388 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,588 [PILOT SCREAMS] 389 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,359 [YELLING] 390 00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:36,000 TAMMY: Get those people out of our garage, Bob! 391 00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:39,003 What sort of limp-dick man did I even marry, Bob?! 392 00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:41,139 Tammy's really letting Bob have it in there. 393 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:44,408 This is getting pretty real, Mom. Maybe... 394 00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,010 Don't you say it, Steve! 395 00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:49,347 Maybe this isn't a contest? 396 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:53,417 [SOBBING WILDLY] 397 00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:54,886 Please just leave! 398 00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:58,690 You people are ruining my marriage! 399 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,093 Steve. 400 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,696 STEVE: Aaaaaaaah! 401 00:16:04,698 --> 00:16:06,364 [STEVE SOBBING] 402 00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,432 Please forgive us, Bob! 403 00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:10,568 [FRANCINE SOBBING] 404 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,837 [CHUCKLING] Bobby, baby, we did it! 405 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:15,707 We were in it together all along, you fools! 406 00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:18,242 We win the hardbody! 407 00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,111 Honey, return that baby! 408 00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:23,915 We're one-half owner of an old orange truck! 409 00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:28,119 KLAUS: Klaaaaaaus wiiiiins! 410 00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,454 Klaus? 411 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,056 - [POP!] - That's right. 412 00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:33,457 It's me! Klaus! 413 00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:37,128 The proud new owner of a Klaus-orange hardbody. 414 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:40,131 And I'll be doing celebratory burnouts in my new old truck 415 00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,600 as soon as I find my misplaced driving cane. 416 00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,068 Oh, I know where that cane is. 417 00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:46,404 Steve knows where it is! 418 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:49,207 [WIND WHISTLING] 419 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:50,675 [POOF!] 420 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,944 M-m-m-m-my p-p-p-puffy 421 00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,747 p-pat... patagonia jacket saved me! 422 00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,415 Shh! You'll attract predators. 423 00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:01,019 How did you survive with such a, no offense, flat jacket? 424 00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:05,289 I slowed my fall with this axe. And that tree. 425 00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:06,558 Whoa! 426 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,226 They're gonna be looking for us. 427 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:11,229 We need to build a signal tower. Here. 428 00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:13,698 You're just whippin' axes at me now, Jeff? 429 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,767 Is there anything you won't stoop to 430 00:17:15,769 --> 00:17:17,835 to keep me from beating you at the championships? 431 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:21,373 Stop it, Mr. S. There's not gonna be a championship. 432 00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,507 Every other lumberjack is dead. 433 00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,509 Oh, my God. 434 00:17:25,511 --> 00:17:27,579 Guaranteed silver. 435 00:17:27,581 --> 00:17:29,447 Look, I know we're not a team anymore, 436 00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,983 but we're gonna have to work together to survive. 437 00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:34,318 You start clearing that tree for firewood. 438 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,857 I'm gonna find my chainsaw and get goin' on a signal tower. 439 00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:42,060 Wait, wait, wait! Don't start that saw! 440 00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:43,327 [MOTOR STARTS] 441 00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:46,064 [JEFF SCREAMING] 442 00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,411 [CRACKLING] 443 00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,813 Guess I'm not getting my turbo booster back. 444 00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:05,749 - [POP!] - And there goes my goddamn toast. 445 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,751 What the hell was that? 446 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,754 Alright! Enough with the third degree! 447 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,489 I sabotaged your saw! 448 00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,556 Why? 449 00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,092 Because I'm a cheater. 450 00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,360 A cheater cheater pumpkin eater. 451 00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:19,631 And I admit you're a better lumberjack than me. 452 00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:21,365 I never cared about that. 453 00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,102 I just wanted to show you I was good at something 454 00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:26,170 so you'd want to hang out with me. 455 00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:28,640 Jeff, you are good at something. 456 00:18:28,642 --> 00:18:30,508 You're an amazing lumberjack. 457 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,043 And if we make it out of here, 458 00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:35,046 I promise I'm going to tell that to the world. 459 00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:36,114 Thanks. 460 00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,915 But if you'll get out of my way, 461 00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:40,118 I got a babe to get home to. 462 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,987 ♪♪ 463 00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:45,389 ♪ Now, when I die, I will have seen ♪ 464 00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:46,924 ♪ The wonders of the sea ♪ 465 00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,660 ♪ And I will have climbed the mountains ♪ 466 00:18:48,662 --> 00:18:51,129 ♪ In the western coun-ter-y ♪ 467 00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:54,732 ♪ But most of all I won't forget the wild and wondrous thing ♪ 468 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:58,336 ♪ The falling of the timber when it's early in the spring ♪ 469 00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:01,880 ♪ Way, hey, another brand-new day ♪ 470 00:19:01,915 --> 00:19:04,542 Look at him go, puffy patagonia. 471 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,410 He might just save us yet. 472 00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:09,613 ♪ Way, hey, another brand-new day ♪ 473 00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,283 [MOTOR STARTS] 474 00:19:11,285 --> 00:19:14,218 ♪ On the wild and windy shores of old super-i-ay ♪ 475 00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:18,189 Huh. Jeff Fischer. The Stoner. 476 00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:24,696 - ♪♪ - _ 477 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,834 Well, Pat, we both know I can't let Jeff save us. 478 00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,703 Whoa! Is that a signal flare in your pocket 479 00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,104 or are you just happy to see me? 480 00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:36,040 Ha ha ha! Cut it out, Pat. This is serious. 481 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:38,176 [MOTOR RUMBLING] 482 00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:42,113 New plan, Jeff! No signal tower! 483 00:19:42,115 --> 00:19:44,516 ♪♪ 484 00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:45,984 Oops. Too low. 485 00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:48,786 [JEFF SCREAMS] 486 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,288 Catch him, Pat! 487 00:19:52,526 --> 00:19:54,192 PILOT: There's the wreck. 488 00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,194 NAVIGATOR: Dibs on any unmelted credit cards. 489 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,730 Gold fillings for me again? Ohh. 490 00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:01,265 Hand me my pliers, will ya? 491 00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,467 ♪♪ 492 00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:07,671 So, after I got a fire blazing to warm Jeff's weak body, 493 00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:09,140 I built a signal tower. 494 00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:11,475 Of course, of course. So heroic. 495 00:20:11,477 --> 00:20:13,077 Then, just as I finished, 496 00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,012 I saw Jeff messin' with a flare gun. 497 00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,548 Kablooey. Flare went off 498 00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:18,883 and Jeff burned down all my hard work. 499 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,352 Does this look about right? 500 00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:25,023 Usually you can see the outline of my manhood through my pants. 501 00:20:25,025 --> 00:20:26,958 Mind e-mailing me a second draft? 502 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,492 - [GROANS] - He's waking up. 503 00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,027 Maybe I can get a statement. 504 00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,363 Leave him alone, you vulture! 505 00:20:31,365 --> 00:20:33,698 Is there nothing you won't do for a headline?! 506 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,701 Jeff, you're okay! Thank God. 507 00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:38,903 Listen. Hayley was right about you. 508 00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,105 I was crazy to think you're worthless. 509 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,775 And from now on, I want to hang out more. 510 00:20:43,777 --> 00:20:46,778 Much more. Maybe even twice a year. 511 00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,513 What do you say to that... Son? 512 00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:51,315 [SHAKILY] I say... 513 00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:53,652 [BLEEP] you, Mr. S. 514 00:20:55,144 --> 00:20:57,414 _ 515 00:20:58,392 --> 00:21:00,191 Bye! Have a great time! 516 00:21:02,005 --> 00:21:03,745 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com 36967

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