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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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As God is my witness...
2
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:32,274
...I will never drive anyone in
this family anyplace ever again.
3
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,192
All I get from you are complaints.
4
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,870
I think you kids are nuts.
I didn't think it was scary.
5
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,276
Get some glasses, Dad.
6
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,356
For the thousandth time,
I do not need glasses.
7
00:01:55,560 --> 00:01:57,073
You're overreacting. Ask anyone.
8
00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,199
Fine. Buck?
9
00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,237
I'm telling you,
I do not need glasses.
10
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:13,035
My vision was checked
in the fourth grade and it's perfect.
11
00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:15,638
Then how come you missed
that big sign?
12
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:18,713
One sign. "Bridge and Zere Street."
13
00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:22,117
No, that was "bridge ends here," Dad.
14
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,315
Daddy, I have never been
so scared in my life.
15
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:27,748
I thought I was gonna die.
16
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,554
Worse than that, I thought
I was gonna die with my family.
17
00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:32,591
How uncool is that?
18
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:34,751
We didn't go all the way
into the river.
19
00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,793
Close enough to hear
the fish hacking.
20
00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:41,397
Come on, Daddy, why don't you just
break down and get some glasses.
21
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:45,633
I mean, what are you afraid of? All it
says is that you're blind and old.
22
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,199
Dad's not old.
23
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,789
I mean, he can still do everything
he used to.
24
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,274
See him sitting there?
25
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:56,189
Just like when we were babies.
Way to go, Dad.
26
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:58,158
And it never occurred
to anyone here...
27
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:01,397
...that I read "bridge ends here"
just fine and floored it anyway?
28
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,276
Now, I'm going to prove my prowess
by reading TV Guide.
29
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,278
"TV Guide."
30
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,114
There. Any more doubters?
31
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:20,435
Who's on the cover?
32
00:03:25,840 --> 00:03:28,035
Raymond Burr.
33
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,559
It's Delta Burke, Dad.
34
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,508
Raymond Burr, Delta Burke.
35
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,473
Tell me I'm the first one
to make that mistake.
36
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,475
- Well...
- Yeah.
37
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:47,593
Now, where's
my remote control?
38
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:56,110
Glasses, eh?
39
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,915
What the hell's wrong
with this thing now?
40
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:08,828
You know, it doesn't seem right
making fun of Dad without Mom.
41
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:12,828
Well, she was in a food coma when
we left, so she should be awake soon.
42
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,508
I'm hungry.
43
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,871
Yep, right on time.
44
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:21,834
Well, I guess it's time
for a trip on down to Cake and Cow.
45
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,072
Damn remote. Kids, get me
some batteries while you're out.
46
00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,749
Hey, is...
47
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,475
Is...? Is Al busy?
48
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,230
He's been spending a lot of time
thinking about...
49
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,431
...man's ultimate place
in the universe.
50
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,036
He must be on a break.
51
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,556
Hi, Al. I'm sorry to bother you.
52
00:04:57,760 --> 00:05:00,115
I thought maybe we'd catch
a ball game or something.
53
00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,311
I'm not allowed to watch sports
at home.
54
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,353
Marcie feels it's a bad influence
on the foetus.
55
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,632
- What's she watching?
- Chippendales video.
56
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,233
There we go, sports.
Good old American entertainment.
57
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,431
The problem with women
is they'll watch anything.
58
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:18,914
- Yeah.
- We're more selective.
59
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,758
- Right. Who's playing?
- I don't know.
60
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,678
All right.
61
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:27,073
We'll be right back with our Cuban
Little League game of the week.
62
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,554
This could be good.
63
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,955
And don't forget to order
our sports bloopers...
64
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:35,436
...that weren't funny enough to mak e
it on the 20 other tapes we sell.
65
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,108
And now let's have our sports quiz
for the day.
66
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,471
And the first caller with
the correct answer wins $100.
67
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,593
A hundred bucks?
Hey, Al, you know a lot about sports.
68
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:49,316
Maybe you could win the hundred
and buy yourself a newer Dodge.
69
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,470
No chance.
These questions are so obscure...
70
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:56,240
...you have to have no life
whatsoever to get the answer.
71
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:59,034
Who played centre field
for the Chicago White Sox...
72
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:00,639
...in the '59 World Series?
73
00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:02,717
Jim Landis. I know that.
That's Jim Landis.
74
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,673
The number is on the bottom
of your screen.
75
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,594
- "One-nine-oh-oh... Five-five..."
- What's the matter, Al?
76
00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,597
- Can't you see that?
- Yes, I can see it.
77
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,916
There's too many
damn numbers there.
78
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:18,957
Nine-five-five...
79
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,035
Hello. Jim Landis.
80
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,834
No, I'm not Jim Landis.
I'm answering the question.
81
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:28,359
Jim Landis.
82
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:31,472
What do you mean fish?
Fish didn't play centre field.
83
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,148
Fish was a spin-off on Barney Miller.
84
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,791
Oh, that's ridiculous.
Why would I call a fish store?
85
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,070
- I think you got the wrong number.
- No, I didn't.
86
00:06:42,280 --> 00:06:45,795
I saw those numbers just as plain
as I see Bea Arthur's face on that TV.
87
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,468
That's Fidel Castro.
88
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:51,633
That's an honest mistake.
89
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,673
Nobody's answered our question yet.
Someone should know this.
90
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:57,838
We're gonna flash the number
one more time.
91
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,313
- Got it.
- Jim Landis.
92
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:07,637
Hold everything. We've got a winner.
93
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,759
- My name? Jefferson D'Arcy.
- That's my money.
94
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,748
I'm sorry, Al, you gotta be quicker.
It's a young man's world.
95
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:32,758
Daddy, what happened to our door?
96
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:36,074
A young man went through it.
97
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:43,597
Daddy, what are you doing?
98
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,633
What does it look like, honey?
I'm watching TV.
99
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,876
Turn it off for a second.
I wanna talk to you.
100
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:51,150
The sports question
is about to come on.
101
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,430
This will only take a minute.
102
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,070
Now, I wanna talk to you
about glasses.
103
00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,992
I don't need glasses.
104
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,909
No, Daddy, you do not want glasses.
And I know why.
105
00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:06,350
You don't want glasses
because you're vain.
106
00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,677
Because you're feeling old and ugly.
107
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:16,029
You don't want to be called
a four-eyes, a geek, an owl boy...
108
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:20,631
...professor, dorko,
Poindexter, Magoo...
109
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:23,673
- Let's see, what else?
- Goofus.
110
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,713
No, that's more if your ears stick out.
You know...
111
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,551
Go away.
112
00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:32,748
I'm not done yet, Dad.
113
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:37,631
Now, let me tell you a little story about
a boy I used to date in the fourth grade.
114
00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,273
He was very handsome.
115
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:42,392
A tight little butt,
big blue bedroom eyes.
116
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:44,517
This was in the fourth grade?
117
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:47,355
Well, he was left back a year.
118
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,631
Hey, Dad, who played
for the Celtics...
119
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:52,717
...called the best sixth man
in basketball?
120
00:08:52,920 --> 00:08:54,797
- Frank Ramsey.
- Thanks, Dad.
121
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,390
Go ahead, pumpkin.
122
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,071
Anyway, this guy was great.
123
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,794
He was the most popular boy
in the school.
124
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,072
- And then one day, he got glasses.
- And you liked him anyway.
125
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,319
God, no, I dumped him right away.
126
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,838
He looked like an idiot with glasses.
Everybody laughed at him.
127
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,439
Ruined his life.
128
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,757
I think he ended up in an institution
or something.
129
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,751
It's a sad story, I guess.
I don't know.
130
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,839
- Is there a point to all this?
- Yes, there is.
131
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:32,759
Now, if a guy who had everything
to live for got glasses...
132
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:36,157
...then there is certainly
no reason for you not to.
133
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:42,311
For to see is more important
than to be.
134
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,039
You're never leaving home, are you?
135
00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:57,191
I don't think so.
136
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,868
We have a winner.
137
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:02,957
The answer to our quiz
was Frank Ramsey.
138
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:06,550
Congratulations today's winner,
Bud Bundy.
139
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:18,957
Well, let's go out
and get old Dad some glasses.
140
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,388
What for?
141
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:24,354
So I can see the expression
on your face when I'm choking you.
142
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:41,509
- I can't.
- No, you do have to.
143
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,358
I don't wanna be a Poindexter.
144
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:48,790
Relax, Dad. You know,
plenty of cool guys wear glasses.
145
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:51,391
I'm Wally.
146
00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,117
Please don't want me, I'm married.
147
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,320
Good, then there's hope
for my brother.
148
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,753
Now, Daddy,
show him your prescription.
149
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:17,109
Can you see me?
150
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,278
Just give me some glasses.
151
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,599
Of course, sir.
152
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:27,272
You just go through our veritable
myriad of hip and trendy frames.
153
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:31,433
Mine, for instance,
are from our Casanova line.
154
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:37,438
You know, I get more chicks
than my friend who's a dry cleaner.
155
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,957
Kids, listen. I need some help
picking out my frames.
156
00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,357
I'm afraid I may not know
what cool is anymore.
157
00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:48,915
You lie.
158
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:54,990
I mean, the shirt, the pants
and those shoes.
159
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,919
Now surely, those are no accident.
160
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:03,109
No, no, on clothes I'm confident,
but I need help with the glasses.
161
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,197
See, I'm counting on you guys
to help me...
162
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:07,630
...pick out something cool
yet understated.
163
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,229
Count on us, big guy.
164
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,992
Buck...
165
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,912
...may I present the man
with the goo-goo-googly eyes...
166
00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,270
...Specs Bundy.
167
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,955
I can't believe how cool
I look, eh, kids?
168
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,273
Pretty proud moment, eh, Kel?
169
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:10,392
This is how the young Redenbachers
must feel.
170
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:13,158
Hey kids, watch this.
171
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,157
TV Guide, s'il v ous plaît.
172
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:23,793
There he is, big as life,
Raymond Burr.
173
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,389
It's Delta Burke, Dad.
174
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:30,755
Delta Burke, Raymond Burr,
city of Seattle. What's the difference?
175
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:35,080
Now, who wants to take a ride
with Daddy in the car...
176
00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:38,192
...and read some billboards
from very long distance?
177
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:42,399
Wow, you mean a chance to cruise
in the dad-mobile?
178
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,556
Listen, Dad, if we pick up
on some chicks...
179
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:50,039
...will you put your sunglasses on
and say, "You is one fine woman"?
180
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,110
Yeah, I'll go too, Daddy, but only if
we can cruise by some of my friends...
181
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,675
...and you stick out your teeth
like a horse and go:
182
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:00,599
"Hi, girls, I'm Kelly's dad."
183
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,231
So you're suddenly ashamed
to be seen with old Dad, huh?
184
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,590
Well, I wouldn't say suddenly.
185
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,991
You know, you people reek.
186
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:20,954
What's bothering you is not that
I have glasses, but that I'm happy.
187
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,912
Well, get ready for a life of misery...
188
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:26,430
...because I shall continue to be happy
with my new twenty-twenty vision.
189
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,790
Now, I'm about to go out...
190
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,959
...and partake of some of the beauty
which our fair city affords us.
191
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:37,438
If you need me,
I'll be at the nudie bar.
192
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,196
Yeah, babe, well, I guess
old Grandmaster B...
193
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,675
...can fit you into his schedule.
194
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:56,794
Let's see, how's Friday at 9?
195
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:59,468
Well, 10's okay too.
196
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,474
Well, look, it doesn't
have to be Friday.
197
00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,552
Well, then it's settled.
I'll call you again.
198
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,433
Well...
199
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,910
Well, do you have any idea when
hell is supposed to freeze over?
200
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:17,838
Hello?
201
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,638
There, there, Cross-dresser B.
202
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:31,510
Real close, Kel. It's Grandmaster B.
203
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,151
I didn't mean to insult you,
Grandpappy B...
204
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,635
...but I do have something
that might cheer you up.
205
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,278
You make customer of the week
at the free clinic again?
206
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,837
You're quite a jester, Bell-ringer B.
207
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:53,073
Anyhow, I was doing
a little research...
208
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,511
Well, actually I was talking to
the girls about how ugly you are.
209
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,790
- and it came to light
that Mother Nature...
210
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,514
...has yet to play
its cruellest joke on you.
211
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,518
Now, we knew, way back when,
when you were a baby...
212
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,996
...that you'd be like Dad
and be bald when you're 20.
213
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,679
But guess what.
214
00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,634
Odds are you'll be blind
and need glasses too.
215
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,229
Now, just so you're not surprised
when this happens...
216
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:19,955
...we worked up a little
computer composite of you at 30.
217
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:30,318
You know, Kel,
I'd draw a picture of you at 25...
218
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:33,239
...but I don't have
a large enough piece of paper.
219
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,718
Thank God, Dad's home. That should
end the cruelty in this house.
220
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,310
How's it going, bottles?
221
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:50,749
You know, kids, eyesight is a curse.
222
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,996
You can see everything.
223
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:58,193
My car, for instance. Have you ever
noticed how ugly Daddy's car is?
224
00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,350
Well, you gotta catch it
on the right day.
225
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,028
You know, the sun
glinting off the rust...
226
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:08,119
...the cloth that you use as a gas cap
flapping gently in the wind...
227
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,437
...as it's being proudly towed
towards its destination.
228
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,476
Yeah, well, try to explain my job.
229
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,113
Now let me tell you something...
230
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,357
...people who work putting shoes
on fat women who wear dresses...
231
00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:24,074
...should not have
twenty-twenty vision.
232
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,871
I saw things on human legs today...
233
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,629
...that would have put a white flag
in Schwarzkopf's hand.
234
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,353
- And you know the worst part?
- You actually saw your paycheque?
235
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,633
Yeah. Yeah, but I sent it back,
because it just can't be right.
236
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,559
Anyhow, every day at 3:00...
237
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,035
...I see this girl that works
at the aerobics shop.
238
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,310
You know, she flirts with me,
I flirt with her.
239
00:18:55,520 --> 00:18:57,715
It's nothing, but it gets
you through the day.
240
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:01,910
Anyway, I always thought she was
pretty, but today I saw her...
241
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,236
...and she's 40.
242
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:08,549
I mean, 40. I mean, she's old.
243
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,472
But Dad, you're over 40.
244
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,678
Yeah, but I'm a guy,
so it's totally different, I mean...
245
00:19:16,240 --> 00:19:20,677
No, I mean, I can't believe it.
She's not a girl. She's a woman.
246
00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:22,797
Well, did she like your new glasses?
247
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,952
Well, what the hell do I care
what a 40-year-old woman thinks?
248
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,996
Then I come home.
249
00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:34,354
Home? I mean, look at this place.
250
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:38,439
Look at that furniture, look...
Look at that table.
251
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:44,396
What the hell is this?
252
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:51,918
That... That's Mom, Dad.
253
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,958
Oh, this is just too much.
254
00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:02,275
And look at me.
255
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:06,549
I got wrinkles.
Now, I never saw those before.
256
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,511
What happened
to the top of my head?
257
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,195
I'm an old man.
258
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,393
My life is really over.
259
00:21:22,760 --> 00:21:24,830
There.
260
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,710
I feel better already.
261
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,315
Al Bundy's back.
262
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,319
Where's my remote control?
263
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,876
You know, kids, this is a lesson.
264
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,957
Now, I may not see too well.
265
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,948
I may kill a few people on the streets
and occasionally drive into a river...
266
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,920
...but it's better than looking stupid.
267
00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,599
You know something?
268
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,109
I feel younger already.
269
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,909
I didn't think there was this much
action on Designing Women.
21564
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