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1
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All right, all right.
I'm going to clean it. I'm going to clean it.
2
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Keep all on. I must say,
they drive me around the bend.
3
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All right. Greetings, citizens, greetings.
4
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The prologue.
5
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Now, today is a big public holiday
in Pompeii, a big public holiday.
6
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It is the Festival of the Vestal Virgins,
7
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or commonly known as VV day.
8
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Now, please. Now, please, don't mess about.
9
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Oh, don't lower the tone of it already.
10
00:00:55,630 --> 00:00:56,619
Now.
11
00:00:57,550 --> 00:01:00,906
VV day. Now, every year at this time,
12
00:01:01,310 --> 00:01:03,585
we choose a maiden from among our womenfolk,
13
00:01:03,670 --> 00:01:07,299
a maiden who is pure in mind and body,
14
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a maiden upon whose fair skin
15
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man's hand has never set foot.
16
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Now, this lucky girl will receive a prize
17
00:01:22,310 --> 00:01:28,340
and she will be crowned Miss Miracle of BC 72.
18
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Now, the prize she gets will consist of
1,000 drachmas, a week's holiday in Rome,
19
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and a night out with Mark Antony.
20
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Now, if after this, her status is unchanged,
21
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she will return home,
22
00:01:42,190 --> 00:01:46,103
and she will join the other vestal virgins
23
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:47,339
in the temple.
24
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And I'm sure the both of them
will be glad to receive her.
25
00:01:52,470 --> 00:01:55,064
Now, in BC 72...
26
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-Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio!
-I was just working myself up, then.
27
00:01:57,910 --> 00:01:59,548
Oh, yes, master?
28
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(STAMMERING)
29
00:02:00,830 --> 00:02:03,060
Yes. Yes. Calm down, now.
30
00:02:03,750 --> 00:02:07,982
-(STAMMERING) I'm all out of breath.
-You're what? You're what, sir?
31
00:02:08,070 --> 00:02:11,460
-I'm all out of breath.
-I know, you're coming in short pants.
32
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He is. That's not a gag. That's not a gag.
Look, he is. Look.
33
00:02:15,710 --> 00:02:18,508
He should be wearing his long ones
this time of the year.
34
00:02:18,590 --> 00:02:21,821
There's a cold wind seething round the acropolis.
35
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-(STAMMERING) No, listen, Lurcio. Listen.
-Yes, oh dear. Don't... Listen.
36
00:02:24,590 --> 00:02:26,501
Now, calm, master. Oh, dear.
37
00:02:26,590 --> 00:02:31,106
-See, he upsets himself. That's the trouble.
-No, listen, Lurcio, listen.
38
00:02:31,190 --> 00:02:33,146
-Listen.
-Look, sit down, master.
39
00:02:33,230 --> 00:02:35,744
No, look, go make yourselves
a cup of coffee or something.
40
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He may go on like this for hours.
41
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-I'll call out when he's ready.
-Listen. No, no...
42
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(WHEEZING)
43
00:02:42,550 --> 00:02:43,949
Oh, dear.
44
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:45,702
Have a good wheeze.
45
00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:50,420
He could do with a good wheeze about this time.
Actually, no, poor old devil, no.
46
00:02:50,510 --> 00:02:53,422
No, the trouble is, you see, he's been overdoing it.
47
00:02:53,510 --> 00:02:56,661
Or perhaps I should say,
he's been over-trying to do it.
48
00:02:58,790 --> 00:03:01,145
No, the thing is, he's got this burden,
49
00:03:01,230 --> 00:03:04,028
he's got this additional burden
because he's been made
50
00:03:04,110 --> 00:03:08,900
the chairman of the committee
that's got to select these vestal virgins, you see,
51
00:03:08,990 --> 00:03:10,389
and he's past it.
52
00:03:10,510 --> 00:03:12,740
Oh, I mean, he's still... He's still got an eye,
53
00:03:12,830 --> 00:03:14,343
he still looks at a pretty girl,
54
00:03:14,430 --> 00:03:17,149
but, you know, there's no fire in his eyes,
55
00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:19,346
they're all bunged up with clinker.
56
00:03:20,790 --> 00:03:22,985
What he needs is a good riddle.
57
00:03:24,230 --> 00:03:26,744
-Better, now, Lurcio.
-Ah, master.
58
00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:29,981
-Oh, Lurcio, I shall need your help.
-Yes, master.
59
00:03:30,070 --> 00:03:35,019
Well, you see, the master of ceremonies
for the Festival of the Vestal Virgins
60
00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:36,829
-hasn't turned up.
-Oh, dear.
61
00:03:36,910 --> 00:03:40,061
-There's nobody to introduce things.
-Oh.
62
00:03:40,390 --> 00:03:42,506
You will have to do it, Lurcio.
63
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,740
Well, I can't do it, master.
I'm just going to do the prologue.
64
00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:47,264
Oh, well, I can't help that.
This is far more important.
65
00:03:47,350 --> 00:03:51,025
-Oh.
-Damnation! Damnation!
66
00:03:51,110 --> 00:03:53,624
Oh, it's that dreary soothsayer.
67
00:03:53,710 --> 00:03:56,144
Woe, woe!
68
00:03:56,230 --> 00:03:58,505
Poor soul, she's lost her horse. Whoa.
69
00:03:58,710 --> 00:04:01,508
Oh, what a dreary woman. What does she want?
70
00:04:01,590 --> 00:04:04,184
I don't know.
I know what she's likely to get, master.
71
00:04:04,270 --> 00:04:08,104
Woe is me. I have come hotfoot from the temple.
72
00:04:08,190 --> 00:04:11,865
Yes, so I can tell.
Yes, I shall stand upwind of you now.
73
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:14,185
The gods have given me a sign.
74
00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:18,548
Yes, they've given us one too, dear.
"No soothsaying this side."
75
00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:21,224
So please sooth off. Would you mind?
76
00:04:21,310 --> 00:04:23,619
The festival is doomed!
77
00:04:23,710 --> 00:04:27,180
No virgin will be found in Pompeii this day,
78
00:04:27,270 --> 00:04:29,226
and the gods will be angry.
79
00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:32,586
Fire and brimstone will rain down on the city,
80
00:04:32,670 --> 00:04:35,230
the very ground will tremble,
81
00:04:35,310 --> 00:04:38,700
and all shall perish in the destruction.
82
00:04:38,790 --> 00:04:41,748
And that is the end of the weather forecast.
83
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:45,183
Woe, woe, woe!
84
00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:47,022
Oh, silly old bag.
85
00:04:47,230 --> 00:04:51,860
She is. Mind you... Well, she can't
help it, because she's had this...
86
00:04:51,950 --> 00:04:56,546
She had this very unhappy marriage, you know.
Oh, yes. Her husband was a centaur.
87
00:04:56,630 --> 00:05:00,589
A centaur, that's...
Wait a minute and find out what it is.
88
00:05:01,030 --> 00:05:04,500
'Cause you could be wrong.
In fact, you are, missus.
89
00:05:04,590 --> 00:05:08,549
Now, listen. A centaur is half man, half horse.
90
00:05:08,750 --> 00:05:13,266
And, you see, unfortunately with her, poor soul,
the top half was horse.
91
00:05:13,590 --> 00:05:15,945
No, don't laugh. It's not funny,
92
00:05:16,030 --> 00:05:19,067
because when he got the bit between his teeth,
93
00:05:19,150 --> 00:05:23,826
there was no stopping him. And he wasn't
particular which bit of her it was, either.
94
00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:27,141
Lurcio, Lurcio.
What on earth was she talking about?
95
00:05:27,230 --> 00:05:30,700
No virgins to be found in all Pompeii?
96
00:05:30,790 --> 00:05:35,181
-Oh, why, it's absolute balderdash.
-Oh, I've never heard dash so balder, yes.
97
00:05:35,270 --> 00:05:39,900
I can think of quite a number.
Well, there's my friend Catulus' daughter.
98
00:05:39,990 --> 00:05:42,788
-Oh, a delightful child.
-Yes.
99
00:05:42,870 --> 00:05:44,667
Master, she's... The only thing is, she's...
100
00:05:44,790 --> 00:05:45,779
(WHISPERING)
101
00:05:45,870 --> 00:05:47,986
-No, no!
-Yes. Definitely.
102
00:05:48,070 --> 00:05:49,549
-Tut, tut, tut, tut.
-Yes.
103
00:05:49,630 --> 00:05:51,541
Oh, bags of tut, in the catacombs.
104
00:05:51,630 --> 00:05:53,780
Oh, no! Tut, tut, tut, tut.
105
00:05:53,870 --> 00:05:57,749
Oh, well, there's that fair girl
that lives down the road.
106
00:05:57,830 --> 00:06:02,381
-Do you know, the one with the big...
-But she's also got a big... You see.
107
00:06:02,990 --> 00:06:06,221
-Yes, also down the catacombs. It's rife. It's rife.
-Oh, no. Tut, tut, tut, tut.
108
00:06:06,310 --> 00:06:08,266
Oh, no. What a terrible thing.
109
00:06:08,350 --> 00:06:12,821
Oh, well, anyway, I'm sure there will be
plenty of contestants when the day arrives.
110
00:06:12,910 --> 00:06:14,707
-Yes.
-And anyway, we mustn't forget
111
00:06:14,790 --> 00:06:17,258
my dear daughter, Erotica.
112
00:06:17,350 --> 00:06:19,944
Oh, no. No, don't forget her. Don't worry.
113
00:06:20,030 --> 00:06:21,782
She mustn't be overlooked, you know.
114
00:06:21,870 --> 00:06:24,623
Oh, don't worry,
she hasn't been overlooked, believe me.
115
00:06:24,710 --> 00:06:26,143
Oh, quite, quite.
116
00:06:26,230 --> 00:06:28,266
Oh, oh, Lurcio. Is that the time?
117
00:06:28,350 --> 00:06:31,547
-Well, it's a bit fast, but it's more or less...
-Well, I must make haste.
118
00:06:31,630 --> 00:06:35,259
Yes, master. Master, look. Must I do this job?
119
00:06:35,350 --> 00:06:38,501
Couldn't... I'm sure the real emcee will turn up.
120
00:06:38,590 --> 00:06:42,822
No, not a chance.
'Tis said his ship is foundered on the rocks.
121
00:06:42,910 --> 00:06:45,708
Oh, master. No, the coast is clear, isn't it?
122
00:06:45,790 --> 00:06:49,180
-What's that?
-I said, the coast is clear, isn't it?
123
00:06:49,270 --> 00:06:51,147
Why, yes, come on up.
124
00:06:52,430 --> 00:06:54,182
Isn't it marvellous?
125
00:06:54,270 --> 00:06:57,979
A whole ship has to be destroyed
so she can get a laugh on her entrance.
126
00:06:58,070 --> 00:07:01,142
-It's only you, dear.
-Oh, my dear Ammonia,
127
00:07:01,230 --> 00:07:03,460
I trust you're ready for it.
128
00:07:04,110 --> 00:07:07,989
Why, Ludicrus, you haven't said anything
to me like that since our honeymoon.
129
00:07:08,070 --> 00:07:09,298
-Naughty.
-What?
130
00:07:09,390 --> 00:07:13,383
Oh, no, no, no! No, no.
I meant the Festival of the Vestal Virgins.
131
00:07:13,470 --> 00:07:15,540
You are coming, my dear, aren't you?
132
00:07:15,630 --> 00:07:18,383
-What?
-As a spectator, mistress.
133
00:07:18,510 --> 00:07:21,547
Oh, yes, of course.
I wouldn't miss that for anything.
134
00:07:21,630 --> 00:07:23,666
Good! Good, my dear.
135
00:07:23,750 --> 00:07:28,540
Ah, me. I can remember the year I was chosen.
136
00:07:28,630 --> 00:07:30,621
What a remarkable memory.
137
00:07:30,710 --> 00:07:32,905
There's not many people
that can remember things
138
00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:34,867
that happened in their early childhood.
139
00:07:34,950 --> 00:07:39,262
Let's face it... Not that I'm suggesting
that she was promiscuous. Oh, no.
140
00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:42,660
But it's no secret that she was known
all around as Madeira
141
00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:44,741
because she was a piece of cake.
142
00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:47,869
The prologue.
143
00:07:47,950 --> 00:07:51,022
-Ah, we'll rest here for a minute.
-LURCIO: Hello.
144
00:07:51,590 --> 00:07:53,421
Hello, hello.
145
00:07:53,510 --> 00:07:54,625
Now.
146
00:07:55,270 --> 00:07:57,101
You see that dark one there?
147
00:07:57,390 --> 00:07:59,267
Now, that is Noxious.
148
00:07:59,350 --> 00:08:02,945
Noxious, he's the keeper
of the Ludi Puerorum club.
149
00:08:03,110 --> 00:08:04,941
That's "Boy of the Play" club.
150
00:08:05,670 --> 00:08:07,581
(MOUTHING WORDS SILENTLY)
151
00:08:08,790 --> 00:08:10,189
Funny place.
152
00:08:10,510 --> 00:08:13,707
The girls there all walk around
topless. Topless!
153
00:08:13,790 --> 00:08:17,669
Oh, yes. If you want to play,
you have to bring your own top.
154
00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:20,143
Thank you!
155
00:08:22,750 --> 00:08:25,628
Yes. Now, the other one next to him, there,
156
00:08:25,710 --> 00:08:28,383
the pretty, plump one, now, he's Piteous.
157
00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:30,506
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Here,
what are we waiting for?
158
00:08:30,590 --> 00:08:34,503
You're wrong, it's a man.
Well, give a little, take a little.
159
00:08:34,590 --> 00:08:37,184
The thing was...
No, listen, you see, it's a sad story,
160
00:08:37,270 --> 00:08:39,465
because he was in this war in Britannicus,
161
00:08:39,550 --> 00:08:43,828
and unfortunately, he got a bit too close
to Boadicea's chariot,
162
00:08:44,110 --> 00:08:46,670
and it cut off his retreat. And he's...
You know, he's...
163
00:08:48,030 --> 00:08:52,865
Hello. They're up to no good, I'll be bound.
I must tell my master, Ludicrus.
164
00:08:52,950 --> 00:08:55,145
-Ask him.
-Excuse me.
165
00:08:55,270 --> 00:08:57,022
-(IMITATING PITEOUS) Pardon?
-Excuse me.
166
00:08:57,110 --> 00:09:00,739
-Yes?
-Is this the house of Ludicrus Sextus?
167
00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:02,229
Yes, it is the house.
168
00:09:02,310 --> 00:09:03,982
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
169
00:09:04,070 --> 00:09:06,265
He's got a funny voice, hasn't he?
170
00:09:07,750 --> 00:09:12,346
I was just trying to be tactful, wasn't I?
I was trying to make him feel one of us.
171
00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:14,944
It's the last time I shall help the underprivileged.
172
00:09:15,030 --> 00:09:17,260
-LUDICRUS: Lurcio!
-(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yes, master.
173
00:09:17,350 --> 00:09:19,466
Oh, dear. I hope it's not catching.
174
00:09:19,750 --> 00:09:24,221
Ah, so that's where that old fool Ludicrus lives.
175
00:09:24,310 --> 00:09:28,861
You mean the senator that wants to abolish
all bawdy houses like yours?
176
00:09:28,950 --> 00:09:31,510
Yes, but, please, try not to talk so much,
177
00:09:31,590 --> 00:09:33,581
you might strain something else.
178
00:09:33,710 --> 00:09:36,827
Oh, I am going to get even with him today.
179
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:41,108
I am going to make of him the laughing
stock of the whole of the Roman Empire.
180
00:09:41,230 --> 00:09:42,345
How?
181
00:09:42,430 --> 00:09:46,981
Well, you know that he is responsible
for selecting this year's vestal virgin.
182
00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:50,187
-Yes.
-Well, I have discovered that so far,
183
00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:53,706
-there are only two competitors entered for it.
-Yes.
184
00:09:54,990 --> 00:09:59,268
Well, what I have done,
I have paid them to keep away, see?
185
00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:02,183
And I've got two of my girls
to take their place.
186
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:03,544
(NOXIOUS LAUGHING)
187
00:10:03,630 --> 00:10:05,825
But if they're your girls,
they won't be virgins.
188
00:10:05,910 --> 00:10:09,903
I know that, you old fool!
That's the whole point.
189
00:10:09,990 --> 00:10:13,187
When those two girls get up on that platform...
190
00:10:13,390 --> 00:10:15,984
Ah, never mind. Come on.
191
00:10:16,070 --> 00:10:19,983
-Lurcio, Lurcio.
-Yes, mistress. Coming, mistress.
192
00:10:20,070 --> 00:10:22,425
I have need of your services.
193
00:10:22,510 --> 00:10:24,785
-Oh.
-Lurcio, Lurcio.
194
00:10:24,870 --> 00:10:27,338
Lurcio, I tell you. I tell you. I tell you...
195
00:10:27,430 --> 00:10:29,148
Yes, calm, master.
196
00:10:29,310 --> 00:10:31,028
(STAMMERING) I tell you. I tell...
197
00:10:31,110 --> 00:10:33,829
We shall never finish this show at this rate,
will we?
198
00:10:33,910 --> 00:10:37,664
I can't... I can't...
I can't find Erotica anywhere.
199
00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,662
-She's not in her room.
-Oh, well, perhaps...
200
00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:44,220
-Perhaps she hasn't returned home yet, master.
-Oh, what time did she go out?
201
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,380
-Yesterday evening.
-(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yesterday evening?
202
00:10:46,470 --> 00:10:47,823
You see, it is catching, you see.
203
00:10:47,910 --> 00:10:49,662
(IMITATING LUDICRUS) "Yesterday"...
Up high, there.
204
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:52,583
You mean our daughter has been out all night?
205
00:10:52,670 --> 00:10:54,820
It's all perfectly innocent, Ludicrus.
206
00:10:54,910 --> 00:10:59,859
She went on one of those night excursions
to Vesuvius to see the red hot lava flow.
207
00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:02,779
Oh, yes. You know who with, don't you?
208
00:11:02,990 --> 00:11:05,140
That young gladiator, Stupendous.
209
00:11:05,350 --> 00:11:06,942
And you won't...
210
00:11:08,310 --> 00:11:12,508
You won't find a bigger red-hot lava than him,
I'm telling you.
211
00:11:12,590 --> 00:11:14,865
Well, I can't wait any longer. No.
212
00:11:14,950 --> 00:11:19,148
I must get down to the Forum.
You better wait for Erotica and bring her.
213
00:11:19,230 --> 00:11:21,983
Yes, I do so want her to enter
214
00:11:22,070 --> 00:11:25,619
for the Festival of the Vestal Virgins, you know.
215
00:11:25,710 --> 00:11:28,178
-Come along, Lurcio. Come along.
-Yes, yes.
216
00:11:28,270 --> 00:11:29,988
-Lurcio.
-Yes, mistress.
217
00:11:30,070 --> 00:11:33,028
-Come and sit here a minute.
-Yes, mistress.
218
00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:36,659
I don't want you to let Erotica
enter for the competition.
219
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:39,025
-What, for the virgin competition?
-No, I don't.
220
00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:42,386
I don't really think she's suited
to that sort of thing, do you?
221
00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:46,224
Oh, no, definitely not.
I mean, she's lost... She's lost the...
222
00:11:46,310 --> 00:11:48,983
She hasn't... Well, I mean, what's the word?
223
00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:52,904
She's... She hasn't got the...
224
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:57,541
She no longer has the...competitive spirit.
225
00:11:58,790 --> 00:12:02,146
Exactly. Well, it isn't
that I don't trust her, of course.
226
00:12:02,230 --> 00:12:04,061
Oh, no. Oh, no.
227
00:12:04,150 --> 00:12:07,699
No, but, well, then, she does know
an awful lot of young gladiators,
228
00:12:07,790 --> 00:12:10,623
and I know what winning ways they have.
229
00:12:10,710 --> 00:12:14,385
Hear now the wise words of Plautus.
230
00:12:14,470 --> 00:12:17,303
It is a well-known fact, that if all the girls
231
00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:19,858
who went out with Roman gladiators
232
00:12:19,950 --> 00:12:21,861
were laid end-to-end,
233
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,020
no one would be at all surprised.
234
00:12:34,030 --> 00:12:37,147
(RATTLING)
235
00:12:40,670 --> 00:12:43,548
Eyes down for a full domicile.
236
00:12:47,310 --> 00:12:50,143
Moon and sun, 31.
237
00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:53,188
ALL: Moon and sun, 31.
238
00:12:53,710 --> 00:12:56,508
Horn of plenty, number 20.
239
00:12:56,590 --> 00:12:59,900
ALL: Horn of plenty, number 20.
240
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,789
Scots and Picts, 66.
241
00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:05,145
-ALL: Scots and Picts...
-Eureka!
242
00:13:05,230 --> 00:13:07,539
Eureka!
243
00:13:07,670 --> 00:13:09,262
Blessings, my son.
244
00:13:09,350 --> 00:13:12,103
You have won a Grecian urn.
245
00:13:12,190 --> 00:13:15,421
-What's a Grecian urn?
-Five drachmas a day.
246
00:13:16,470 --> 00:13:17,619
What...
247
00:13:19,350 --> 00:13:21,420
What do you mean it's an old gag?
248
00:13:22,030 --> 00:13:24,419
It was new in these days, remember that.
249
00:13:24,590 --> 00:13:26,785
Folks, we've come to the main event of the day.
250
00:13:26,870 --> 00:13:29,259
Yes, it's VV time!
251
00:13:29,430 --> 00:13:31,386
(FANFARE AND CHEERING)
252
00:13:31,590 --> 00:13:34,058
Judged this year by your own...
253
00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:37,222
Your very own Senator Ludicrus Sextus.
254
00:13:37,590 --> 00:13:39,228
(FANFARE AND APPLAUSE)
255
00:13:40,230 --> 00:13:45,179
And introduced by that well-known
slave about town, Lurcio!
256
00:13:45,910 --> 00:13:47,866
(LIGHT APPLAUSE)
257
00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:53,225
And for you, Lurcio,
tonight opportunatus knockus.
258
00:13:56,750 --> 00:13:59,264
Well, he's got a better part than I have.
It's not right, you know.
259
00:13:59,350 --> 00:14:03,025
It's a better part than I've got.
Now, thank you for that tumultuous welcome.
260
00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:08,389
May I now introduce
the virgin competitors for this festival.
261
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:11,820
Will you please mount...er, the daeus?
262
00:14:14,710 --> 00:14:16,507
(FANFARE AND WHISTLING)
263
00:14:16,630 --> 00:14:19,428
Only two? This is virgin on the ridiculous.
264
00:14:19,670 --> 00:14:20,659
(LAUGHING) "Virgin"...
265
00:14:20,950 --> 00:14:23,180
Please yourselves. All right.
266
00:14:23,270 --> 00:14:25,738
Will the first competitor please step forward?
267
00:14:25,830 --> 00:14:28,708
(WHISTLING IN CROWD)
That's it, now, don't be shy. Don't be shy.
268
00:14:31,110 --> 00:14:33,943
Now, tell me...
269
00:14:34,030 --> 00:14:35,782
What is your name?
270
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:37,064
Tittea.
271
00:14:37,150 --> 00:14:39,266
Tittea. How do you spell that?
272
00:14:39,350 --> 00:14:41,022
-With two "T's"...
-Oh.
273
00:14:41,110 --> 00:14:42,623
...but they're not pronounced.
274
00:14:42,710 --> 00:14:44,268
-Pardon?
-They're not pronounced.
275
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:46,341
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
276
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,381
Now, Tittea. Tittea.
277
00:14:49,470 --> 00:14:54,066
I want you to say, truthfully and honestly...
278
00:14:54,150 --> 00:14:55,742
Answer a question.
279
00:14:55,830 --> 00:15:00,426
Now, are you pure and mind of...
Ah, I'll say it again...
280
00:15:02,030 --> 00:15:03,782
Do that bit again.
281
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,987
Now... It's a lot
to learn all this, you know.
282
00:15:08,350 --> 00:15:11,422
Now... It's putting me off...
Turn that way, darling.
283
00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:14,581
No bra or anything.
284
00:15:16,510 --> 00:15:18,740
Now, tell me, Tittea...
285
00:15:19,430 --> 00:15:21,898
No, that's not right. It's not.
286
00:15:24,270 --> 00:15:26,306
Take seven.
287
00:15:26,750 --> 00:15:28,786
Now, tell me, Tittea...
288
00:15:29,030 --> 00:15:33,228
Now, tell me, are you pure in mind and body?
289
00:15:33,870 --> 00:15:35,781
Of course I am.
290
00:15:35,870 --> 00:15:38,304
(THUNDERCLAP)
291
00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:44,023
-What on earth's happening?
-Oh, that witch was right, you see?
292
00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,385
The gods are angry because the girl lied.
293
00:15:46,470 --> 00:15:50,099
Down with Ludicrus! Get him out of the Senate!
294
00:15:50,190 --> 00:15:51,782
PITEOUS: Down with Ludicrus!
295
00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:54,430
Oh, now, please.
Let us deport ourselves with decorum.
296
00:15:54,510 --> 00:15:57,582
Oh, I'd like to deport you and Ludicrus.
297
00:15:57,670 --> 00:15:58,659
Deport! Deport!
298
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:01,059
Silence, silence, please.
There's been some mistake.
299
00:16:01,270 --> 00:16:04,421
Will the second and last of the virgin
competitors please step forward.
300
00:16:04,510 --> 00:16:09,026
As for you, go home and wash your mouth
out with soap, you naughty Tittea. Go!
301
00:16:10,270 --> 00:16:11,589
Forward, please. Now, don't be shy.
302
00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,228
(WHISTLING FROM CROWD)
303
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:16,348
That's right. Now.
Are you sure we've got the right ones?
304
00:16:16,430 --> 00:16:18,102
Well, I certainly hope so.
305
00:16:18,190 --> 00:16:20,021
Right, you can stop your motor, dear.
306
00:16:20,110 --> 00:16:21,463
Now, tell me...
307
00:16:21,550 --> 00:16:23,984
-Tell me, what's your name?
-Virginia.
308
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,901
Oh, that sounds more hopeful, doesn't it?
309
00:16:25,990 --> 00:16:28,140
Right. Now, erm, tell me, now.
310
00:16:29,550 --> 00:16:31,939
Are you pure... No, erm...
311
00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:33,429
Let's rephrase this, shall we?
312
00:16:33,510 --> 00:16:34,863
Now, don't... Now, take your time.
313
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,622
I always do.
314
00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:39,468
Oh, yes. Now.
315
00:16:39,550 --> 00:16:42,747
Is the ought that you ought not to have ought...
316
00:16:44,150 --> 00:16:46,505
Yes, and not been caught. No...
317
00:16:46,590 --> 00:16:49,263
Is there ought that you
were not to have done,
318
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:52,183
had you been able to do it,
but said no at the time?
319
00:16:52,270 --> 00:16:54,704
You see?
Now, you have 30 seconds to answer.
320
00:16:54,790 --> 00:16:58,100
Well, I don't need 30 seconds.
I'm a good girl.
321
00:16:58,190 --> 00:16:59,987
(THUNDERCLAP)
322
00:17:01,910 --> 00:17:04,504
Down with Ludicrus! He's a fake!
323
00:17:06,510 --> 00:17:08,228
(JEERING)
324
00:17:11,950 --> 00:17:13,224
Oh, dear.
325
00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:14,299
Oh...
326
00:17:14,390 --> 00:17:16,301
Welcome to Dodge City.
327
00:17:17,110 --> 00:17:19,021
Oh, what a disgrace.
328
00:17:19,110 --> 00:17:23,342
My first year as chairman
and not a virgin to be found.
329
00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:24,545
-Lurcio.
-What?
330
00:17:24,630 --> 00:17:27,906
You must go straight back home
and bring my dear daughter, Erotica.
331
00:17:27,990 --> 00:17:29,628
-Your daughter, Erotica?
-Yes.
332
00:17:29,710 --> 00:17:31,063
What's the good of bringing her?
333
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,425
What do you mean
what's the good of bringing her?
334
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,148
Well, I mean, she's not a... I mean, she...
335
00:17:35,230 --> 00:17:37,664
Oh, how could I tell him? Poor old devil.
I mean, it's a bit awkward.
336
00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:40,787
Come along. Come along, Lurcio.
Speak up, speak up.
337
00:17:40,870 --> 00:17:42,906
Well, you see, look, your daughter, Erotica...
338
00:17:42,990 --> 00:17:45,345
-Now, human nature being what it is...
-Yes.
339
00:17:45,430 --> 00:17:47,739
-...and after all, accidents will happen, you know.
-Yes.
340
00:17:47,830 --> 00:17:50,583
Have you considered the possibility
that she might not be...
341
00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:53,184
-Yes!
-...at home?
342
00:17:53,950 --> 00:17:56,828
Well, in that case,
find another virgin somewhere.
343
00:17:56,910 --> 00:18:00,789
I'll willingly pay 500 drachmas for one.
344
00:18:00,870 --> 00:18:02,701
500 drachmas.
345
00:18:03,110 --> 00:18:05,021
500 drachmas.
346
00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:08,308
Do you know, I could buy my freedom
with 500 drachmas?
347
00:18:08,390 --> 00:18:09,618
Oh, dear.
348
00:18:09,710 --> 00:18:12,702
500 drachmas. Now, where to find one, though.
349
00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:15,782
The Virgin Islands. No, that's too far to go.
350
00:18:15,910 --> 00:18:18,947
Alice Springs. No, that's the trouble,
she always does.
351
00:18:21,190 --> 00:18:23,704
Cork. No, that gag's been cut.
352
00:18:26,990 --> 00:18:30,744
I suppose one of you wouldn't
care to volunteer, would you?
353
00:18:30,830 --> 00:18:33,742
Is there a virgin in the house?
There must be one.
354
00:18:33,830 --> 00:18:36,583
There must be one, now. Yes?
355
00:18:36,790 --> 00:18:38,860
-PLAUTUS: No! No!
-Eh?
356
00:18:38,950 --> 00:18:40,019
No, what? Why not?
357
00:18:40,110 --> 00:18:42,988
It is a well-known fact that in those days,
358
00:18:43,070 --> 00:18:47,507
audience participation was restricted
solely to putting their thumbs up.
359
00:18:50,110 --> 00:18:52,260
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
360
00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:54,506
Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
361
00:18:54,590 --> 00:18:56,148
What is the use?
362
00:18:56,230 --> 00:18:59,745
I've interviewed every female
between here and the Forum.
363
00:18:59,830 --> 00:19:04,221
All I've got, so far, are ten peals of thunder
and 20 latchkeys.
364
00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:08,826
I don't know what to do.
I mean, you'd think, wouldn't you,
365
00:19:08,910 --> 00:19:12,983
there'd be someone
pure in mind and body, even here.
366
00:19:13,990 --> 00:19:15,867
Oh, cruel, cruel world.
367
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:17,429
Hello.
368
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:20,058
How dearly I would love to leave it.
369
00:19:20,150 --> 00:19:22,823
Ah, now this is my master's son, Nausius.
370
00:19:22,910 --> 00:19:24,389
Nausius is a strange boy.
371
00:19:24,470 --> 00:19:27,189
Oh, very strange.
Likes to write poetry, that's his trouble.
372
00:19:27,270 --> 00:19:31,183
Doesn't know what he wants to be:
He, she or it. Excuse me.
373
00:19:31,510 --> 00:19:34,468
Ah, young master, what's the matter?
374
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:36,302
Oh, Lurcio, I'm desolate.
375
00:19:36,390 --> 00:19:37,459
-Are you?
-Desolate.
376
00:19:37,550 --> 00:19:39,666
Why? What's amiss?
377
00:19:39,790 --> 00:19:41,303
A missus before marriage.
378
00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:43,460
"A missus before marriage."
379
00:19:43,590 --> 00:19:46,104
They get all the best lines.
I must have this stopped, you know.
380
00:19:46,190 --> 00:19:48,420
-It's not right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-Oh, Lurcio.
381
00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:51,070
I met this most beautiful young maiden.
382
00:19:51,150 --> 00:19:52,902
And now she pays me no heed.
383
00:19:52,990 --> 00:19:54,901
Pays you no heed?
384
00:19:55,030 --> 00:19:58,147
See, I've inscribed an ode to her.
385
00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,063
Yeah, well, I thought
you might have done. Oh.
386
00:20:01,430 --> 00:20:03,660
"Ode To The Fair Malaria."
387
00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:07,700
What a pretty name.
388
00:20:08,070 --> 00:20:10,823
"Oh, how my heart turns over
389
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,378
When e'er I see her pass..."
390
00:20:13,790 --> 00:20:15,064
Oh, yes.
391
00:20:16,350 --> 00:20:17,578
Get ready.
392
00:20:20,870 --> 00:20:23,589
"Those lovely dimples in her cheeks
393
00:20:23,670 --> 00:20:26,184
And the others in her knees."
394
00:20:28,350 --> 00:20:31,422
-I was lost for a word to rhyme there.
-Yes.
395
00:20:32,670 --> 00:20:35,468
You're the only one who was, I might say.
396
00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:39,983
You see, you need more background material.
There you are, sir.
397
00:20:40,070 --> 00:20:43,904
-Now she will have naught to do with me.
-Ah, no wonder you're cross.
398
00:20:43,990 --> 00:20:46,504
You see, naughts, crosses. Naughts and crosses.
399
00:20:46,590 --> 00:20:49,582
Come on, don't doze off. Come on, keep awake.
400
00:20:49,670 --> 00:20:54,141
-Do you know why she's given me up?
-"No, why?" said he, turning into a straight man,
401
00:20:54,230 --> 00:20:57,381
for which I want to see the script writer
after the show.
402
00:20:58,230 --> 00:21:00,903
Why did she give you up?
403
00:21:00,990 --> 00:21:03,709
Because I wouldn't do what she wanted me to.
404
00:21:03,790 --> 00:21:04,984
Ooh!
405
00:21:05,150 --> 00:21:09,507
And what did she want you to do,
stop or not stop?
406
00:21:09,590 --> 00:21:11,820
-Oh, please don't joke about it, Lurcio.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
407
00:21:11,910 --> 00:21:13,662
No, I don't understand girls.
408
00:21:13,750 --> 00:21:15,706
-No?
-They only seem to want one thing.
409
00:21:15,790 --> 00:21:20,784
Well, judging... Judging from my inquiries recently,
they've been getting it, too.
410
00:21:21,150 --> 00:21:25,826
I can't seem to make them understand
that I'm just not that kind of a boy.
411
00:21:25,910 --> 00:21:27,946
Oh... Oh.
412
00:21:28,030 --> 00:21:32,865
I see. Do you mean to say you've never, sort of...
Bit of, you know... Under...
413
00:21:32,950 --> 00:21:35,418
You've never been in the catacombs for...
414
00:21:35,510 --> 00:21:38,786
I mean, you know,
you've never consorted with a girl?
415
00:21:38,870 --> 00:21:43,022
-Why, of course not, Lurcio.
-Well, not even the odd Sunday consort?
416
00:21:45,550 --> 00:21:48,223
Physical love belongs
to the blissful state of marriage.
417
00:21:48,310 --> 00:21:50,426
-Yes.
-And I'm saving myself for it.
418
00:21:50,510 --> 00:21:53,263
Yeah... He's strange, isn't he?
Isn't he strange?
419
00:21:53,350 --> 00:21:56,786
No wonder he's saving himself.
Nobody else would bother to, let's face it.
420
00:21:56,870 --> 00:21:58,462
Now, isn't it just my luck,
421
00:21:58,550 --> 00:22:01,622
the only person I find
pure in mind and body is a boy.
422
00:22:01,710 --> 00:22:03,223
I mean, it's...
423
00:22:04,830 --> 00:22:06,149
(MOUTHING SILENTLY)
424
00:22:06,470 --> 00:22:09,940
I wonder. It might work, you see.
425
00:22:10,030 --> 00:22:13,147
One of his mother's wigs,
one of his sister's gowns,
426
00:22:13,230 --> 00:22:16,347
a bit of his father's sticking plaster.
And...
427
00:22:20,710 --> 00:22:23,270
(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)
428
00:22:23,590 --> 00:22:25,387
I should be ashamed.
429
00:22:25,710 --> 00:22:28,178
Who could tell the difference?
430
00:22:28,510 --> 00:22:31,946
Master, if you're besotted with this girl,
431
00:22:32,030 --> 00:22:35,420
if you're in love with this girl,
why don't you marry her?
432
00:22:35,510 --> 00:22:39,105
-Alas, I have no money, Lurcio.
-No money? Oh, how fortunate.
433
00:22:39,190 --> 00:22:42,102
How would you like
to earn yourself 100 drachmas?
434
00:22:42,190 --> 00:22:43,509
-How?
-How, yes.
435
00:22:43,590 --> 00:22:46,388
Come into the building and I'll tell you.
Come inside.
436
00:22:46,470 --> 00:22:47,983
And I'll get 100 drachmas?
437
00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:51,301
Oh, if you play your cards right,
you'll get more than that.
438
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:55,658
You'll get a week's holiday in Rome
and a night out with Mark Antony.
439
00:22:58,070 --> 00:23:00,106
(BOOING AND JEERING)
440
00:23:00,990 --> 00:23:04,187
No, no. No, no, no. No, citizens!
441
00:23:04,270 --> 00:23:05,988
Citizens, please!
442
00:23:06,070 --> 00:23:10,222
There will be another contestant here
in a moment. I promise you.
443
00:23:10,310 --> 00:23:12,824
You said that half an hour ago!
Where is she?
444
00:23:12,910 --> 00:23:14,821
Sir, sir, sir...
445
00:23:16,030 --> 00:23:19,306
Citizens, citizens.
We have a new virgin here.
446
00:23:19,390 --> 00:23:20,789
-Carry on, Lurcio.
-Yes, yes.
447
00:23:20,870 --> 00:23:23,464
Yes, a new competitor, and the last one.
448
00:23:23,550 --> 00:23:26,428
Now, citizens, I present to you
449
00:23:26,510 --> 00:23:29,388
the lovely, untouched-by-human-hand,
450
00:23:29,470 --> 00:23:30,789
Delilah.
451
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,468
Come along, Delilah.
452
00:23:36,110 --> 00:23:37,782
Don't be shy.
453
00:23:38,230 --> 00:23:40,983
A warm hand for Delilah.
Now, there we are.
454
00:23:41,430 --> 00:23:42,624
Now, all right?
455
00:23:42,750 --> 00:23:45,787
(WHISPERING) Don't forget you promised
to have me away immediately afterwards.
456
00:23:45,870 --> 00:23:47,940
Yes, well, I'll do my best.
457
00:23:48,990 --> 00:23:51,185
Right. Citizens, pay attention.
458
00:23:51,270 --> 00:23:55,900
Now, Delilah, will you tell us
all in one accord
459
00:23:55,990 --> 00:24:00,586
if you are pure in mind and body.
460
00:24:01,590 --> 00:24:02,739
Yes.
461
00:24:05,830 --> 00:24:09,425
He's done it, or, rather, he hasn't
done it, if you see what I mean.
462
00:24:09,510 --> 00:24:11,148
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
463
00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:13,222
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
464
00:24:13,310 --> 00:24:16,586
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have
to catch a matinee at the Colosseum.
465
00:24:16,670 --> 00:24:19,628
-So, will you excuse us?
-No, no. Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio.
466
00:24:19,710 --> 00:24:21,985
-What?
-I must present the award.
467
00:24:22,550 --> 00:24:23,903
-Ah, well...
-Yes, yes.
468
00:24:23,990 --> 00:24:26,902
As chairman of the Selection Committee,
469
00:24:26,990 --> 00:24:29,185
it is my proud privilege...
470
00:24:31,590 --> 00:24:34,343
My proud privilege
471
00:24:34,710 --> 00:24:38,828
to name you as Miss Vestal Virgin
472
00:24:38,910 --> 00:24:40,821
of BC 72.
473
00:24:40,910 --> 00:24:42,263
(POPPING)
474
00:24:42,790 --> 00:24:44,143
(AIR HISSING)
475
00:24:44,230 --> 00:24:47,142
Oh, dear. He's been de-puffed.
476
00:24:48,270 --> 00:24:51,819
Honestly, you must feel
a right Charlie, don't you?
477
00:24:51,910 --> 00:24:54,060
It was the right Charlie, wasn't it?
478
00:24:54,590 --> 00:24:58,185
Oh, dear. Let's get out of here. Quick.
479
00:24:58,270 --> 00:25:00,147
(CROWD JEERING AND HECKLING)
480
00:25:01,430 --> 00:25:03,819
Young lady, young lady.
I'm most terribly sorry.
481
00:25:03,910 --> 00:25:05,628
I can't think what happened.
482
00:25:05,710 --> 00:25:07,268
Well, you see, these things...
483
00:25:07,350 --> 00:25:10,342
Punctures happen in the best of circles.
So don't worry, master.
484
00:25:10,430 --> 00:25:12,898
The thing is, I'll get her home now.
You see?
485
00:25:12,990 --> 00:25:16,300
Yes. Oh, and she can't go home yet.
She has to go to the Temple of Vesta.
486
00:25:16,390 --> 00:25:18,699
Oh, she can't.
I mean, she has to go home to feed the kids.
487
00:25:18,790 --> 00:25:20,940
-Feed the kids?
-The kid goats.
488
00:25:21,310 --> 00:25:24,108
Yes, she's a goatherd...
A goatherdess, aren't you?
489
00:25:24,950 --> 00:25:28,386
I can't help that.
The High Priestess has to initiate her.
490
00:25:28,470 --> 00:25:30,938
Oh, you don't want initiating, do you, dear?
491
00:25:31,030 --> 00:25:33,146
No, of course not.
It's against your religion, isn't it?
492
00:25:33,230 --> 00:25:36,506
Oh, no, no, Lurcio.
It's quite a simple ceremony.
493
00:25:36,590 --> 00:25:38,467
The vestals disrobe her,
494
00:25:40,070 --> 00:25:43,187
and then they initiate her
in the circumscribed manner.
495
00:25:43,270 --> 00:25:46,262
Oh, she had that done when she was a baby.
Didn't she? Yes.
496
00:25:46,990 --> 00:25:50,187
Oh, yes. No, look, I'll get
a chariot, master, a chariot,
497
00:25:50,270 --> 00:25:52,579
and you go and powder your nose
or something. Powder your nose.
498
00:25:52,750 --> 00:25:53,739
NAUSIUS: Excuse me.
499
00:25:53,830 --> 00:25:55,343
-Yes, I'll get her chariot.
-Yes, you get the chariot.
500
00:25:55,430 --> 00:25:59,343
Oh, Lurcio, Lurcio,
she's gone into the wrong one.
501
00:25:59,430 --> 00:26:00,909
Yes, well,
502
00:26:01,230 --> 00:26:03,221
she's so pure, you see,
503
00:26:03,430 --> 00:26:07,469
she doesn't know the difference between
men and women yet, that's the trouble.
504
00:26:07,870 --> 00:26:09,861
Ha! Now I can see daylight.
505
00:26:09,950 --> 00:26:13,909
Oh, excuse me, Senator. I could not help
overhearing what you were saying just now.
506
00:26:13,990 --> 00:26:16,220
-And we would be glad to be of help.
-Help?
507
00:26:16,310 --> 00:26:17,948
BOTH: Yes!
508
00:26:18,830 --> 00:26:20,582
Yes, we have a chariot outside,
509
00:26:20,670 --> 00:26:23,264
and we would be glad to take
the young lady to the temple.
510
00:26:23,350 --> 00:26:25,818
Oh, no, no, I couldn't think
of putting you to that trouble.
511
00:26:25,910 --> 00:26:27,866
Oh, no trouble at all, Senator.
512
00:26:27,950 --> 00:26:29,906
A pleasure, in fact.
513
00:26:31,710 --> 00:26:33,621
Aha! There she is now.
514
00:26:33,710 --> 00:26:36,383
-Come along, my dear.
-Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no.
515
00:26:36,470 --> 00:26:38,062
But, tut, tut, tut...
516
00:26:38,150 --> 00:26:39,469
No, I can't. I can't think what's happening.
517
00:26:39,550 --> 00:26:41,620
Master, master. Now, I've got the chariot.
Has she come out yet?
518
00:26:41,710 --> 00:26:43,428
No, no. She's gone to the temple.
519
00:26:43,510 --> 00:26:44,579
-Gone to the temple?
-Yes.
520
00:26:44,670 --> 00:26:47,503
Two men came and took her off in their chariot.
521
00:26:47,590 --> 00:26:50,024
What? Oh, master, you can't.
522
00:26:50,110 --> 00:26:52,544
That was... That was Nausius, your son.
523
00:26:52,630 --> 00:26:53,858
Yes, yes, yes, I know.
524
00:26:53,950 --> 00:26:56,145
That maiden was Nausius, your son.
525
00:26:56,230 --> 00:26:58,221
(EXCLAIMING) Nausius, my son?
526
00:26:58,310 --> 00:27:01,143
In the Temple of Vesta? Oh, the disgrace.
527
00:27:01,230 --> 00:27:05,303
-Oh, what a terrible shock.
-What a shock for those vestals.
528
00:27:06,510 --> 00:27:11,459
When they start to circumscribe him.
Oh, dear. Now, let's go.
529
00:27:21,630 --> 00:27:23,666
There you are, my dear.
530
00:27:23,750 --> 00:27:26,389
Oh, you're going to have a lovely time in there.
531
00:27:26,470 --> 00:27:28,586
All girls together.
532
00:27:29,830 --> 00:27:32,139
-Ah. Afternoon, miss.
-Good afternoon.
533
00:27:32,230 --> 00:27:35,666
This is Miss VV of BC 72,
534
00:27:35,750 --> 00:27:38,105
with the compliments of Senator Ludicrus.
535
00:27:38,190 --> 00:27:39,623
Do come in.
536
00:27:40,550 --> 00:27:42,063
(CHUCKLING)
537
00:27:42,150 --> 00:27:45,062
And if that doesn't finish him, nothing will.
538
00:27:49,830 --> 00:27:53,459
Oh, dear. I hope I'm not too late to save him.
539
00:27:53,790 --> 00:27:55,269
It's very tricky, this, you know,
540
00:27:55,350 --> 00:27:58,308
because no man is allowed to set foot
inside the Temple of Vesta.
541
00:27:58,390 --> 00:28:01,109
It's very difficult. Ooh...
542
00:28:01,230 --> 00:28:04,586
Ooh, look. Oh, look, look, look. Ooh.
543
00:28:04,750 --> 00:28:07,503
Look. All those lovely young vestals.
544
00:28:07,830 --> 00:28:09,309
What a wicked waste.
545
00:28:10,230 --> 00:28:13,188
When you think of thousands
of hungry men all over the world
546
00:28:13,270 --> 00:28:15,147
could do with those.
547
00:28:15,230 --> 00:28:16,948
You see, all they have to do... They look so bored.
548
00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:19,544
They're so bored.
All they have to do is to tend the flame.
549
00:28:19,630 --> 00:28:21,461
Well, what can you do with a flame?
550
00:28:21,550 --> 00:28:25,179
Nothing, except snuff it or trim it.
That's all you can do.
551
00:28:25,510 --> 00:28:27,421
Oh, poor souls. I feel...
552
00:28:27,510 --> 00:28:30,820
I mean, I feel I'd like to do
something for them, you know.
553
00:28:32,190 --> 00:28:36,627
Look, here. Look, look, look.
Look. Oh, don't push, don't shove.
554
00:28:36,710 --> 00:28:41,659
There's plenty of room for us all to look.
Look. Oh, they're starting the initiation ceremony.
555
00:28:41,750 --> 00:28:43,422
You see that blonde piece?
556
00:28:44,190 --> 00:28:47,580
That's the High Priestess of the virgins, you see.
557
00:28:47,670 --> 00:28:49,865
She's a kind of shop steward.
558
00:28:51,670 --> 00:28:55,982
She does damn all herself
and makes sure nobody else does either, you see.
559
00:28:56,070 --> 00:28:58,026
Now, look. Oh. Oh, dear.
560
00:28:58,110 --> 00:29:01,785
Oh, they... Oh, I must save him
before they start bathing him.
561
00:29:01,870 --> 00:29:05,101
LUDICRUS: Lurcio, Lurcio, Lurcio! Oh!
562
00:29:05,230 --> 00:29:07,300
Oh, there. Oh, there, oh, there, oh, there.
563
00:29:07,630 --> 00:29:09,063
Oh, I'll say your line.
564
00:29:09,150 --> 00:29:12,460
Oh, Lurcio, I brought your...
My daughter here.
565
00:29:12,550 --> 00:29:15,223
Oh, master, have you?
What's the use of that?
566
00:29:15,310 --> 00:29:19,269
Well, what do you mean, "What's the use of that?"?
I shall explain to the High Priestess
567
00:29:19,350 --> 00:29:22,387
and get her to take Erotica instead of Nausius.
568
00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:25,109
That is, unless he's been already exposed.
569
00:29:25,190 --> 00:29:28,546
-Oh, no, no. There's been no screams...
-Oh, yes?
570
00:29:29,230 --> 00:29:30,424
...of delight.
571
00:29:30,550 --> 00:29:32,188
Now, Erotica, my dear,
572
00:29:32,270 --> 00:29:35,785
before we go in, I must
ask you one question.
573
00:29:35,870 --> 00:29:40,148
I must ask you to answer me
simply and honestly.
574
00:29:40,230 --> 00:29:42,380
Oh, of course, Daddy, dear. What is it?
575
00:29:42,470 --> 00:29:43,949
Get ready for it.
576
00:29:44,030 --> 00:29:47,102
It's merely a formality.
577
00:29:47,190 --> 00:29:50,341
Are you pure in mind and body?
578
00:29:50,510 --> 00:29:52,740
Oh, why, of course I am, Daddy.
579
00:29:52,830 --> 00:29:55,060
(CHUCKLING) Excellent. Excellent.
580
00:29:56,150 --> 00:29:58,106
Well, you could have fooled me.
581
00:29:59,830 --> 00:30:02,105
-Were you telling the truth?
-Yes.
582
00:30:02,190 --> 00:30:03,908
What about all those young gladiators?
583
00:30:03,990 --> 00:30:05,503
-Not one of those?
-No.
584
00:30:05,590 --> 00:30:08,024
Oh, they must all be one of those.
585
00:30:11,190 --> 00:30:12,703
No, wait! Stop, wait!
586
00:30:12,790 --> 00:30:14,860
How dare you enter this place?
587
00:30:14,950 --> 00:30:16,588
It is forbidden to men.
588
00:30:16,670 --> 00:30:19,138
(STUTTERING)
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, High Priestess,
589
00:30:19,230 --> 00:30:22,825
but this is an emergency.
There's been a terrible mistake.
590
00:30:23,030 --> 00:30:24,861
-Mistake?
-Yes, you see,
591
00:30:24,950 --> 00:30:27,908
this maiden is not at all
what he seems to be.
592
00:30:27,990 --> 00:30:29,582
Er, what she seems to be.
593
00:30:29,670 --> 00:30:32,059
I mean he... I mean she... Oh, Lurcio!
594
00:30:32,150 --> 00:30:34,618
Yes. Madam. I mean, miss,
595
00:30:34,990 --> 00:30:38,107
you see, owing to
circumstances beyond our control,
596
00:30:38,190 --> 00:30:40,181
you've got the wrong one here.
597
00:30:40,270 --> 00:30:42,181
What do you mean? How wrong?
598
00:30:42,270 --> 00:30:44,386
Oh, very wrong, you see.
599
00:30:44,470 --> 00:30:47,223
Yes. As a matter of fact, you see...
600
00:30:47,510 --> 00:30:49,466
(WHISPERING)
601
00:30:49,790 --> 00:30:51,303
I see.
602
00:30:51,430 --> 00:30:53,068
And how did this happen?
603
00:30:53,150 --> 00:30:54,868
Well, you see,
604
00:30:54,950 --> 00:30:58,260
she was bending over the well, and...
605
00:30:58,350 --> 00:31:02,662
To draw some water, and unfortunately
she got a bit more than she bargained for.
606
00:31:02,750 --> 00:31:04,627
Oh, wretched girl!
607
00:31:04,710 --> 00:31:06,382
Yes, wretched girl. Yes, you see.
608
00:31:06,470 --> 00:31:09,428
Now, that girl, Erotica,
is the one you should have.
609
00:31:09,510 --> 00:31:10,829
-I see.
-Yes.
610
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:13,504
And how do I know this one is chaste?
611
00:31:13,590 --> 00:31:19,142
Oh, madam. Believe me,
she is as pure as you are.
612
00:31:19,230 --> 00:31:21,790
I am the High Priestess of the vestals.
613
00:31:21,870 --> 00:31:26,102
None can be purer in mind and body than I.
614
00:31:26,190 --> 00:31:28,021
(THUNDERCLAP)
615
00:31:34,950 --> 00:31:36,747
Did you see that?
616
00:31:38,710 --> 00:31:41,224
The High Priestess of the virgins!
617
00:31:41,310 --> 00:31:44,268
There's a lying cow.
Would you believe that?
618
00:31:47,190 --> 00:31:48,862
It's the shock of my life.
619
00:31:48,950 --> 00:31:51,748
You could have knocked me down
with a meteorite.
620
00:31:51,870 --> 00:31:54,987
I'll bet she's been down the catacombs.
I'll bet you.
621
00:31:55,070 --> 00:31:57,948
I wonder who she's had it...
I wonder who she's...
622
00:31:58,270 --> 00:32:02,343
I wonder who it was. I'll tell you
one thing, it wasn't me, that's for sure.
623
00:32:02,430 --> 00:32:04,261
(THUNDERCLAP)
624
00:32:05,270 --> 00:32:08,068
That's right. Tell...
Tell the whole neighbourhood.
625
00:32:08,150 --> 00:32:10,983
Oh, dear, you can't keep any secrets
here in Pompeii.
626
00:32:11,070 --> 00:32:15,109
Never mind. See you all next week.
Salute. Salute.
47209
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