All language subtitles for Recovery.Boys.2018.1080p.WEBRip.x264-[YTS.AM]-English

I came home one day,
and my wife was using heroin.

I fell in love with it pretty quick.

One bag of dope turned into
a gram of dope.

One gram turned into two grams.

The more you do, the more you had to do
to get that same high.

I never expected to live to be 25.

I can't not use.

If I don't use, I'm going to be sick.

I'm 19 years old,
I was up to five Percocets a day.

I didn't have a job.

I was homeless.

I felt like the world didn't need me.

I probably was in high school
the first time I smoked crack.

Did heroin not too long after that.

I'd never really wanted to be in rehab.

Too many of my friends failed over
and over again and family members.

I thought drugs and alcohol...

That's what I grew up around, yeah?

I thought that was just the way
everybody lived.

I didn't know people lived life sober.

Hey, Chad.

-How are you?
-I'm Jeff.

-Meet Jeff.
-Jeff. Chad Bishop.

Nice to meet you.

-Excited?
-Yeah, I'm really excited.

That's good, that's great.

Fired up, man. Number one!

Number one!

How's it going?

You guys got anything to carry in?

No, he's got everything he's got
right there in his hands.

- All right. All right.
- Nice place.

We were still working on it
when we opened up.

-Wow. Nice.
-Same bathroom, same way.

This is yours.

-This is mine.
-Which bed do you want?

-This one.
-All right.

You should see the mat I was sleeping on.

I know the feeling.

It's like sleeping on a towel.

Yeah, these are comfortable beds.
Try it out.

Yeah, man, this is awesome.

He had his court hearing yesterday
for his girls,

and because he was coming up here,

they extended his period,

so they didn't take his girls away
from him yet, so...

-That's good.
-How old are they now? One and three?

-Two and three.
-Okay.

-How long have you been married?
-Since I was 20.

Really? You're 25?

-In June, I turn 26.
-Twenty-six?

-No gang affiliations, anything like that?
-No.

Very good.

Tomorrow basically,
we'll wake you up, get you fed,

and then we're going to go over
to the farm and feed the animals,

do a little bit of work over there.

Evening time, around six, seven o'clock,

that would be some of your time
for educational classes.

You've been here about 45 minutes.
You're officially our senior resident.

- It's a lot of responsibility.
- Yeah!

- Here I am, that's me.
- You're it.

I mean, if that doesn't give you
a new perspective,

I don't know what will.

The guys won't have a lot
of outside world contact,

unless it's supervised.

You really want to kind of keep the guys
from isolating,

because that's kind of
where their life's been.

It's been them and their drug.

Farming life is a series of advances
and a couple of setbacks,

and they'll be able to experience
that kind of stuff sober.

Life's not always going to be perfect,
it's not always going to be good,

and you have to learn to live
with pain and setbacks,

without having drugs to dampen it for you.

Morning, guys.

-Morning, Mark.
-How are you doing?

Fantastic.

You ever worked with animals before?
Have you?

-Yeah, my papa had a little farm.
-A farm? Okay.

These are the ones
that are gonna go out on pasture.

You can just stick it in front of him.

He should at least for a while.

Tip it up. There you go.

- You look like you've done it.
- Yeah.

Okay.

This is my brother Benny.

He's on heroin and meth real bad
right now.

That's Aaron, my mom's boyfriend John,
the one she's married to now.

That's his son that ODed.

He's passed away,
and that's my brother AJ.

Which is locked up in prison

for robbing Hardee's
in Sabraton, Morgantown,

to get drugs and stuff.

That's my sister,

my mom and her two kids,

but she don't have nothing
to do with them.

She's on the run from the law right now.

And my mom has both kids.

These are cute.

That's my kid.

That's her when she just started walking.

Got a lot of amends to make
to a lot of these people,

but I don't know who they are.

I've broken into a lot of these houses.

I've gone through... in my addiction.

- There's some amends you just can't make.
- There are some.

Some of them, maybe you could write
a letter, put it in their mailbox.

'Cause it would be risky knocking
on the door, some of them,

telling them what you did,
they may not take too kindly to it.

Especially in these parts,
people tend to carry guns with them.

Yeah, they'll shoot you around here.

See that church
way over on that hill?

- Yeah.
- That's where my real dad's buried.

- Really?
- Yeah.

-Did you ever know him?
-No, I was three when he passed away.

-That's when my mom left.
-What happened?

A tree got cut down on Papa.

-Really?
-Yeah.

-Wow.
-At a logging yard.

Then a year later, my mom left,
went to a bar and never came home.

-So she left when you were three?
-Three years old, yeah.

And didn't come back until I was 15 or 16.

Jeez! Where'd she go?

I don't know.

I like to sit here sometimes quietly.

Like, when you're, like, high and stuff,

you don't really think about what...

You know what I mean? You ain't got...

I wake up, my first thing is,

I gotta find my needle
and go find me some dope.

You know what I mean?

But now that you're not high,

you come out here in the morning,
you listen to all the birds.

When you're high,
you don't focus on shit like that.

I hear a bird over here right now.
You know what I mean?

And you can hear some over here.

When they go together, it's like...
You know what I mean?

You appreciate the little things in life.

Yeah, you do, but when you're high,

you really don't focus
on no shit like that.

-You see through it.
-Yeah, I agree.

Beautiful.

Let's go. Let's go!

And instead of posting,
see if it wedges.

If it wedges,
don't take it all the way out.

-Minimalistic.
-Yes.

Long story short,
I've been a drug addict since I was 16,

and in and out of programs.
This is my tenth program.

And I came to Jacob's Ladder. I was
at a wilderness program before this.

And my mom found it for me,
and you know,

I've never been on a recovery place
like this where it's on a farm.

I know what people want to hear,

so it's really easy for me
to skate through a program undetected.

You know, they say,
"This kid is really doing good."

Really, I was bullshitting my way,

waiting to get out,
on the outside, to use.

Deep down I really wanna be sober.
I don't wanna die.

Nobody really wants to die.
Even a normal human doesn't wanna die.

I don't know, I'm just...

I'm really excited
to actually give it 100%,

'cause I've never done that before.

I've never given it my all.

-Craig, addict.
-Hi, Craig.

So what I wanna do next
is we're gonna go around,

we're gonna check in,
how your week's going,

what's the struggle,
what's going well for you.

-I'm Adam, and I'm an addict.
-Hey, Adam.

Yeah, you know,
this week's been up and down.

I got, you know,
the first letter from my grandma.

She... She's, like,
the center of my addiction.

You know, that was, like,
where I got all my money.

You know, if I needed something,
I ran there,

and either she gave it to me,
or most of the time,

I just conned her out of it one way
or another, to put it blatantly.

She sent me this letter and she said,

"I forgive you. I couldn't be mad at you.

I love you," and all this,

and I was just thinking, like,

"I took a significant amount of money
from this woman."

I mean, I ruined her life in my eyes.

I mean, she's 86,

and she's working at the Goodwill,
so that she is not homeless right now.

Myself, I couldn't just forgive
someone like that.

I don't care who they are.

I don't deserve
the forgiveness that I got,

that quickly and out of nowhere.

I just don't know what to do.

That make sense to you guys?

Yeah, dude.

Don't run, you guys.

I almost ran.

Thank you.

You saved my life many a time.

You have no idea how true that is.

Fourteen times I've overdosed, guys.

Fourteen times.

Dude, I busted my shin on that rope.

Oh!

Chad told me we were going for a hayride.

This ain't what I had in mind.

Yeah, I know.

These are peppers here.

You can tell in the leaves.

Yep.

I feel like if we're flexible...

and we're compassionate,

then, I mean, that to me is the best
combination of trying to help people.

I mean, if you lose either one
of those two qualities,

I think you're really hamstrung.

No matter what you're doing,

if you're giving these guys a place
to be surrounded by good people,

I mean, they're way ahead
of the game already.

Jake and Jerrica, his older sister,

in the Bahamas, we went conch diving.

Jake was probably withdrawing
in this picture.

-I was, yeah.
-I didn't know at the time, but he was...

-I thought you knew. You said...
-Did I know then, in this one?

-You had a hunch.
-Yeah.

I can't remember,
but look how skinny he is.

Pretty skinny.

-I got worse than that, though.
-Yeah.

'Cause I was more interested in pills.

I think I, like, snuck one Oxy with me.

-Did you?
-Uh-huh.

Looking pretty... pretty strung out.

-That's 'cause I was, yeah.
-Yeah.

Everything's hurting.

Arm and legs a little bit higher.

How did your court date go last week?

Oh, man.

Not good?

The court date went good,
but I got some bad news about my daughter.

Put me in a bad mood all week.

My daughter went to a foster home.

While she was in there, they molested her.

And I just found out about it,
so we're in the middle of that.

It's being investigated right now
and stuff.

You know what I mean?
It's been a bad week.

Jeff, you got quiet,
brother. What are you thinking?

What do you mean?

You're not quiet usually,
so what's going on?

-I'm just kicking it, dude.
-Huh?

Just kicking it, listening.

What went on for you when I brought up
stuff in your life right now, then?

I don't know. I keep telling myself
all day today,

if I wouldn't have picked up and used,

you know what I mean,
if I wouldn't have got caught,

they would never have got taken,
she would never have got molested.

Do you know what I mean?

I feel like my actions led
to that shit, man.

-I just want to kill the dude.
-I get it, man.

One thing's on my shoulder
saying I'm doing the right thing,

stay here, and it'll all work out.

Let the cops,
let the law take care of it and stuff,

and another part of my shoulder's like,

"Man, step the fuck up.
Kill this motherfucker."

You know what I mean?

Protect your daughter.

I'm just lost.
I don't know what to do, man.

I just don't wanna go there.

A part of me wants to stay, too,
so I'm just... I'm lost.

I just... I don't know what to do.

I don't fucking know, man.

I don't know.

Well, what...

You're doing it right now though, right?
You're talking, coming out with it.

'Cause it's obvious that all this stuff
is sitting in you, in your head.

You're the one that thinks you get away
with it with all the jokey shit,

but it's obvious you can't have
something like that pop into your life,

and then it just evaporates.

It ain't gonna go away.

So here we got your brothers
here in recovery,

and this is to you guys, right?

You know this is your guy,
he's struggling,

so are we just talking shit every day?

Are we just having fun?

But he's struggling, right?
Now you see on his face.

So what are we doing to support Jeff?

We've all seen it.

It sucks because I've been there too,
and I've gone out over it...

and I came back, like,
I've had a lot of survivor's guilt,

and you know,
I've seen a lot of my friends die.

You've seen your daughter go through
some tough things.

I've got my daughter taken away from me
because of heroin.

I mean, it's gonna sound really harsh,
but you need to be selfish,

because what do you have
to offer to your daughter

versus the world right now?
Absolutely nothing.

Until you get right with yourself.

I failed big time, you know?

She's three years old, man.

And already got fucked with.

I'm supposed to stop that.

I can't do this no more.

Get him up there.

I'm curious to ask
how you guys are feeling right now.

I've been in that exact situation.
Not exactly, like, I've...

I got to the point
where I wanted to leave,

but I wanted to stay
and I ended up leaving.

I ended up relapsing,
ODed another four times, you know?

Yeah, but was it because of that reason?

-Not exactly.
-That your child was molested?

-No, but I've been raped.
-That takes a toll on someone.

I was raped when I was six years old,
so I feel the situation.

We should not compare war stories,
brother.

It's not a war story,
it's an experience.

It's not who goes through
the more horrible thing.

We all go through life on life's terms.

-Right?
-Yeah.

I just feel, like,
a sense of relief almost

that he's got it off his chest,
it's out in the open.

Now he can deal with it.
He's feeling the emotion. It's out.

Who's the new guy?
Which one's the new guy?

I would probably say the guy
with the hair and the beard.

Grateful Dead shirt,
most likely, probably.

Old hippie dude.

He's the first guy that we've
had that's come right off the street,

presumably used
within hours of getting here,

so I think he's going to be a challenge,

'cause every other guy we've seen
has had some sober time.

This was a wily one, man.

- Pick her up.
- Yeah.

Pick her up temporarily.
There you go.

He's definitely detoxing hard and stuff,

and it brings
a whole new atmosphere, so...

I feel his pain, man.

-Hmm? Yeah, we've all been through it.
-Definitely feel his pain.

Most of us have been through it.

Shakes, withdrawals,
throwing up, diarrhea...

Shitting itself.

-The hot to cold sweats.
-Yeah.

-Basically like you got the flu.
-Joints aching,

like someone's stabbing you with a knife
in all your joints every time you move.

I don't want to be on top.

Then I'll go. I'll go downstairs.

Harvest hour.

Get yourself some room.

Take them off, right here.

-One week clean.
-Damn.

Good job, man.

Good job, buddy.

One week down, five months
and three weeks left.

Ain't that the truth?

Yep...

and then a whole lifetime.

Where do you see him in a month from now?

Big old biceps.

I might turn out like Bruce Lee
or something, I'll still be strong.

All right...

-You put 'em over your pants?
-Yeah.

You haven't met Ryan yet, have you?

-No. Ryan, glad to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

Are they all girls or what?

-Yeah.
-Can you tell them apart?

I'm sure all the girls got nipples, right?

- Get the dirty one!
- Come here, hog.

Get him! Catch him!

There came point, I was like, "Holy fuck,
I have no clue how to live my life.

I'm a ball of fear
and self-centered misery,

anxiety attacks,"

but then it was like,
"If these are the things I've done

that have led me to misery,
despair, hurt everyone I love,

I've accomplished nothing,

what if I do the opposite
of what I used to do,

how would I feel then?"

You just wanna roll him over.
I'll hold him.

It's only gonna hurt for a second.

Start pulling his nuts up through...

Feel. Make sure you got both.

-Yep.
-Two nuts.

There you go, buddy.

Won't hurt him.

A cow. I've never picked up
a cow in my life.

Come on. Don't kick me.
Sucker's a little heavy.

I just like to think of us
as human beings, no matter what.

We're born human beings.

We're going to die human beings,
we're not perfect,

and we're not defective.

Defective products get thrown
in the trash. You know what I mean?

They get discontinued.

I read this one book that said
the word "stigma" comes from Greek,

and they used to brand people in the face

for being a certain caste
that was looked down upon by society.

And when you're a drug addict,
I mean, like,

you dress a certain way,
you look a certain way.

I mean, the tattoos, everything like that,

and people take one look at you
and judge you.

So I can see why people would want
to change that perception.

Might be something I want
to work on in the future.

Right now I do want to just focus
on the inside stuff, you know?

Maybe the outside stuff
will come later on. I don't know.

It's pretty funny.
Look at these pictures. They're hilarious.

Like, this is where all STDs come from,
is a movie theater.

So...

Make sure you get to know your partner
over chips and a glass of water.

Keep your cool,
stay in control of your decisions.

Limit the amount of alcohol you drink.

Whoops.

This is for chlamydia, gonorrhea,

HPV, hepatitis A, B and C

and HIV,

and AIDS we'll be touching later.

So yeah, it's kinda strenuous,
kinda scared.

I remember very distinctly,
I went to my buddy's house,

also a dealer, and I was sitting there.

It was, like, the first time
I ever went over to shoot up with him,

and he was like, "By the way,
me and my wife have hep C,"

and I was like, "Cool."

I didn't even care. Like, it was...

70% of all IV users have hep C.

So... and, like, I don't know...

That's, like, seven people out of ten.

We have five IV users here,

so it's, like, at least...

I think it's 70% of five,

so, like, three and a half of us
will have hep C.

-I've just seen this board, man.
-You like that?

I do. It's awesome.

-How many will you put in there?
-What do you think, bro?

He's 22, but I don't think we got 22.

Three strikes, you're out.

Easy!

Happy birthday.

What's up?

Nothing, been waiting for your call.

I called my dad, bad decision.

He started the conversation with,
"I'm not giving you a job."

That's, like, the first thing
that came out of his mouth.

Not "How are you doing?
I'm really proud of you."

Oh, no.

I mean, you have to ask that?
I mean, come on now.

At least he said he'd...

Yeah, I don't know where it came from.

He was like,
"I think about you sometimes."

I was like, "Wow."

Wow.

Holy shit.

But that...

So that was about the gist of that.

I'm sorry. That just stinks.

But anyway, it's my birthday,
so fuck that.

Yeah, exactly.

I haven't really seen you
for a long, long, long time.

Yes.

It's been a while.

I can't believe how big your arms are.

Me and a couple other guys work out,
like, every day.

That's great.

-We climb on the rope.
-That's high up there.

I love the ceilings in here.

You have a cigarette on you?

I do, but I don't know
if I wanna give you one,

'cause you said you were doing
really good not smoking.

-I have.
-So I don't wanna...

I smoke three cigarettes a day sometimes.

I don't want to...

encourage that.

So, so happy. So happy.

He hasn't looked this good since he's
probably been 14 years old, health-wise.

You know what I mean?
Just looks absolutely fantastic.

Yeah, I've been eating them.

Tell me if this ain't a bear cave
and a half.

That's the best bear den I've ever seen.

Can't duct it, fuck it.

West Virginia chrome right there.

Got that right.

Is that a big one?

Yeah, we're golden.

Taj Mahal, baby.

All right, do what you gotta do.

-Do what you gotta do...
-Hey, the rings on this...

I called my mom,

and her dog just died,

and she's having some problems
with the house,

and she really stressed
that she didn't like looking at me

with unkempt hair, and so...

Where's that mustard at?

Hey, how are you doing?

Daddy, I got you a present.

A monkey?

Oh, yeah.

We got a new baby.

We got baby sheep.

Stay here with me.
I'll lift you down one by one.

Jump.

- You hear it?
- Yeah, it's in there?

In here. Come look.

Look in there.

- Aww.
- Hi, baby.

- That's so cute.
- Yeah.

Aww! That's so cute!

Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss.

Daddy, I wish you'd...

- Daddy can't.
- Why do you have to stay here?

Just a little while longer,
okay?

And then Daddy come back
and get you, okay?

- You promise?
- I promise.

But why do you got your tears?

They're happy tears.

- Happy tears?
- Yeah, happy tears.

But you're upset.

Happy tears, baby. I love you.

It's rough when they go.
You know what I mean?

Tough waiting five months.
Five months is a long time, man.

Too long.

But, Jeff, this is the work it takes
so that they have a dad

who's sober and happy
and free, you know?

They'll lose you if, you know...

There's nothing certain
about your recovery

if you don't do the work, right?

So then they'll have nobody,
you know what I mean?

That's why doing what you're doing
is so important.

Today, it's sad, but it's also, like,
really happy that they have you.

They got a clean dad.

-That's what I call it, happy tears.
-Yeah.

I wanted to tell them.
I said I was just happy.

Sad to see them go,

but happy that they came.

Yeah.

Happy tears.

It's a new one.

Yeah.

If you want to get free Naloxone
to help save a life,

please go down and sign up,

and we'll do the training
after this event.

Everybody will walk away then
with a $3,600 auto injector kit for free.

Today, here we are,
hosting the very first

West Virginia
Overdose Awareness Day tribute.

We do not want them to be forgotten.

one moment.

Our God, we come to you now,

asking that you be with us as we struggle

to find solutions.

Be with us as we get the strength

to fight the battle.

Andrew Placo, 25.

Rose Alero, 51.

Cruz Shepherd, 23.

Patrick, 38.

James Brandon Burdet, 29.

Jonathan...

I like how two guys came up
with their shades down.

You could tell they were high,
but at least they came.

-Yeah.
-It says something.

Yeah.

It's about raising
overdose awareness, so...

Who cares if they're high?
At least they're here, man.

They're trying.

Thomas Surelle.

Matt Brown.

Travis Cougar, age 38.

Can't believe that one kid's name
they read was 16.

Shelia Bayes, 27.

- How you doing?
- Good.

-We brought goods.
-You won't even recognize him.

That's exciting. How's he doing?

-He's doing great. Absolutely great.
-Good.

Ahh!

Look at you, man.

Good to see you.

Come here.
Let's get a group hug going.

-What's up, bro?
-Not much.

You look like Willie Nelson, man.

-Sounds good.
-Let me see you.

-You got some sun.
-Yeah.

-Got some muscles.
-A little bit.

-Yeah.
-Some tone back.

Here's a trick. Hold out your hand.

Yeah.

This guy...

That was actually
pretty good. It was this year.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Look at you.
- Gorgeous place.

- Stop it.
- Yep...

All right, I'll stop it.
We're here to hang out. Not just smile.

I had a really fucked-up perception
of what love was.

I just treated people like shit.

You're like, "Fuck love."
I don't really care about it.

It's not that important to me.
I thought maybe it's just a construct.

You know, like a human construct.
Like, it doesn't exist.

People just say they love you
so they can use you or whatever.

And now it just seems like this thing
that exists, like air, water, whatever.

Like, it's like an element.

I guess you gotta be living
in the real world to feel it.

I haven't been in the real world
for a long time, so kinda weird,

but it is a good thing.

Right? That's all I got.

Thank you, Ryan.

Yeah.

That's what we're doing?

Andrew came to me today,

let me know that the barn dance,
they're gonna have alcohol,

which to me, creates a conflict.

I'm concerned about it.

On one hand,
I know you guys have worked hard,

I know you guys are excited
about going to the dance,

and on the other hand,
there's going to be alcohol there,

and a lot of you guys,
all you guys are pretty new,

and some guys are really new.

To be able to go
in a real life situation somewhat,

I think it could be good.

I don't personally want to go.

This is the Aurora Barn Dance.

We're gonna be there with a bunch
of people that probably don't like us,

and it's just gonna be awkward.

I'm sorry, Adam, but there could be
20 people there in recovery.

Like, we don't know who's gonna
be down there and who's not.

I can't just pigeonhole everyone
and say they're all a bunch of assholes

that don't like us.
Like, that's not true.

I'm here to have fun, too.

Drugs and alcohol to me
are the opposite of fun.

It may sound like bullshit
to a lot of people,

but I had gotten to a point
in my life where it wasn't fun.

It was a fucking chore.

But I think it's just important we don't
walk into this dance or anywhere else,

saying, "I'm powerful, I got some days,
therefore, I'm not going to get high."

It's bullshit.
Any of us are one thought away.

-Let's go.
-Go to the front.

-No.
-Go to the front.

-Leave me be.
-Come on, I'll go with you.

Yeah!

I'll go up there.
I need someone to make me dance.

-Feel out of place, don't you?
-Yeah, I do.

Yeah, but you gotta challenge it
'cause you're not out of place, dude.

We need people on the floor.

This is a very simple, simple dance.

Just pick a partner.

-Come on, dude. Go.
-Go ahead, Ryan.

-There you go.
-I'm Ryan.

Nice to meet you.

-I'm Rush.
-I'm Debbie.

-Nice to meet you, Debbie.
-You, too.

Son, just go pick a partner.

This is it, you guys. Come on up!

There are some ladies here
that need someone. Come on.

Now join your hands and circle out.

Now back to the right.

Swing your honey once around.

And promenade.

Okay, all four.

Well, whatever!

Couple number one, out to the right.

Go right on.

Jeff, you're causing major confusion.

This is the most fun I've had
in a long time.

I want to thank you guys
for dancing. You can go and sit down.

When do you want this place ready by?

Couple weeks.

Yeah.

Honestly though,
even if it was a sober house,

and we were still working on it
while we lived here, it wouldn't be...

Jorge is getting the kitchen done...

Everyone wants to stay in this area
when they finish Jacob's Ladder,

and so we purchased a property,
we're finishing it up,

so that it can be a sober living setting
for these guys.

If they can get jobs in the community
and they want to stay here,

that keeps them connected
to what they're doing already.

-Are you tired?
-Yes.

-You've been scraping?
-A lot.

I worry every day about these guys
leaving here and going back home,

getting back to the playground
and to the friends

and all the things
that they used to get into.

When they're here,
there's a little vacation

from all the chaos of their lives
that they got themselves into,

and they're gonna go back
to the real world.

We're trying to get them ready for it.

It's a great start here,
that's what it is.

I mean, nothing's promised
when a guy leaves our program.

- I'm an addict named Jeff.
- Jeff.

I'm a father of two girls,

and my addiction took over
a good person

and turned me into a monster, I can say.

And I didn't care who I hurt, man.

I didn't care what I had to do.

Tearing families apart,

ruining lives, man.

I want that new way of life.
I remember every day when I wake up.

Just don't use today, no matter what.
Don't pick up.

But that's all I grew up around, you know?
That's all I know.

It's all my family does,
it's all my friends do.

Basically, my whole town does it,
you know?

And that's...

I don't know a sober person back home.

It kind of scares me, you know?

Yeah, that's all.

- Thanks, Jeff.
- Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Come on, man.
Teamwork makes the dream work.

There we go.

-Teamwork makes the dream work?
-It did.

I picked Jeff up
six months ago down at the regional jail.

He came running around the corner

with all his worldly possessions
in his hands,

and he looked at me.
He'd never met me before,

and he said, "Let's get out of here
before they change their mind."

Man, I call Jeff "old dad."

Yeah, he's younger than me,

but he's got the wisdom...

...that I needed.

I'm glad he's sticking around
'cause I love this guy, I really do.

Yeah. It's hard not to get emotional.

I'm really gonna miss this place.
I wanna say thanks to you, Dr. B.

You heard me out, listened to my story
and you took me in and gave me a chance.

-Thanks, man.
-I love you, buddy.

- I love you.
- Me too.

I wanna thank everybody for coming out,

helping us celebrate
Adam's graduation.

I'm Leslie. I'm Adam's mom.

It's been a long few years for us.

I am so proud of you,

and all the hard work that you put
into yourself is really paying off,

and I could not be more proud.

I just love you to death.

I'm really not good
with speeches, guys, but...

It's been a long road, man.

It's been a long road.

I've learned what a friend is, you know?

'Cause I didn't know,

and now I have more than I can count
on both of my hands.

Jeff, wake up.

Come on, it's time to drive.

I'm ready.

Not allowed to play rap
once you get to the coal mine.

But we don't give a fuck.

I had some depression the last two days.

Just, I don't know.
I don't know what it was.

Just was down.

"Woe is me."

Obviously it's still under construction.

You know, it's not like
we have the most fun here.

I hung out with that girl last night.
She's fucking weird.

You know, tight.

-Never again.
-Never again.

It's boring up here.

Really boring.

I get up at four o'clock every morning,
take Adam to work.

Pick him up at four o'clock
in the evening.

Go on a couple of dates here and there,
eat out a lot, that's all I do.

I work for that guy, Scott,

and he fucking was smoking weed
in front of me.

It didn't bother me
that he was smoking weed.

Weed ain't my thing anyways.
Drinking ain't my thing.

But if there was a gram of dope,
it probably would have been...

If he was sitting there banging some dope,
I'd probably be like...

You know what I mean?

My thing is when I get in the truck
or the car,

and I put on some music...

You know what I mean?
Just driving down the road.

I feel like I need to smoke a fat blunt.

'Cause that's just what I do.

Thanks, everybody, for coming out.

It's a special day, and this is a special
resident that we're graduating today.

If every program has to have a heart,
that's Ryan.

Ryan's the heart of this program.

Ryan, if there's anything
you'd like to say to the folks...

I turn everything into the topic
of gratitude.

Okay?

Every day of my life,
I'm going to continue

to show you gratitude,

Jacob's Ladder gratitude.

I just love everyone

that has anything to do
with helping people

that everybody else in society
looks down on.

And just... it's amazing.

It's really incredible,

and there is not a lot of places
like this on the planet.

This is a special fucking place.

Everyone that comes here
has an opportunity

that a lot of people don't get.

Someone out there is dying right now.

You know?

It's horrible.

It's gonna keep happening,

but we don't have to be part
of the problem anymore.

You know? We don't.

Like, this is it. This is life today.

And that's all we got.

My keys right there, you hear that?

Ooh, sounds nice.

I think it's this door right here.

I think the counter space is nice, man.

You got a washer and dryer, too.
It's got a laundry chute.

Yeah, we're good.

We're good. No one left a bottle
of Vicodin in here, dude.

We'll be all right.

You got the place,
you get the bigger room.

For now.

Me and Joey had a talk one night
about my aftercare plan,

and he said he thought
he was somewhat confident

that I could live on my own
and probably be better off,

not having to be
in a structured environment,

as long as I had
a good support group, so...

There's a really good community
of recovery here.

I think that you'll fit right in, too.

This is it, man. It's gonna be nice.

Yeah, it's already nice.

Oh, God.

You look like a totally different person.
You look great.

All right, acceptable, responsible
and productive.

I don't wanna get out of bed.

I gotta go pee in a cup.

Story of my life.

You piss in cups all day.

I have to pee in a cup.

I've heard rumors.
It was about Jeff drinking.

Chad told me
that he had been out one night,

and he had given him a breathalyzer,

and it had come back
a little bit positive kind of.

He wasn't sure,

but Jeff claimed
he definitely didn't drink.

Chad called me and said,
"Everybody's worried about your recovery,"

and I said, "Why?"

He said, "You're hanging back out
with your family a lot."

And I'm like, "I ain't gonna stop.

Why would I stop
'cause you told me to stop?"

I've been drug tested 18 fucking times
since I've been up there,

not even up there two months.

Probably breathalyzed ten times.
It's like...

And no one else in that whole place
up there gets that shit.

It's just me for some odd reason.

They think 'cause I'm hanging out
with my sister, I'm gonna use. You know?

Man, if I want to use, I will go use.

If I want to drink, I'll go drink.

I choose not to, so...

I got more important things
to worry about.

I freaking worry about my kids.
I work, you know?

It's like, I'm doing everything right,
leave me the fuck be.

But they just don't.

What's going on, Jeff?

I have no clue what's going on.

I don't know what's gonna happen, man.

This place is turning into
a fucking shit show.

Everybody fucked up,
covering for each other,

drinking in the house.

Doing dumb shit, man.

I've been drinking. Got caught.

So I don't know what's happening,

but the word on the street is that
they're shutting this place down.

So...

to figure it out. I'm not sure.

-Craig, you're just in time, man.
-Yeah? For what?

We're trying to hammer this thing out.

So what Jeff told Chad and I was
that he was at a girl's house.

He was coming home
in the wee hours of the morning,

ran off the road, hit this person's house
and then backed up, left the scene.

Unambiguously, he has relapsed.

And other people confirming
that this has been daily.

I think we could bring him back in here
and help him.

What do you think?

I don't think you can bring all of them
in this residence,

now that they've created
a triad of use and...

enabling.

I think Jeff needs a higher level of care.

the kids.

He's at a legal point,

where if he doesn't get them
in the next 30 days,

he doesn't get another shot at 'em.
He loses them permanently.

That's my biggest fear is
if we sit down with Jeff and say,

"Here's your only course of action,"

he knows what that means,
and he knows,

"I'll never get my girls back,"
and I think at that moment,

we just say goodbye to Jeff.

I think he's shooting up tomorrow
and dead in a week.

That is a very realistic scenario here.

The other part of that is
you put these girls in his hands...

- I know.
- ...they're going to be dead, too.

You're not looking... You gotta...

We're looking at a menu
of shitty decisions and options,

and not one of them is right.

One of them has to be made,
but not one of them is good.

All right, boys.
Come out wherever you are.

I apologize to you guys
that I wasn't insightful enough

to know this wasn't a good idea for you.

I thought that even though
this wasn't finished,

and it wasn't ready,
and we didn't have a manager,

I thought that you guys had come so far,

that this was going to work out
until we got it finished.

So, you guys were at a disadvantage.

Having said that,
you guys also fucked up.

So we all share some responsibility
in what's going on here.

We've got to figure out how can we make
you guys safe in your recovery.

This place is obviously not it.

So that leaves us with,
what are we gonna do next?

Adam, I think, has already talked
with Craig about going to Minnesota

and going to sober living out there,

and I think that that would be
an appropriate option for him.

Is that a plan you're willing to engage?

-Yeah.
-Good.

All right, Rush,
we would like to throw this out at you.

The opportunity for you
to re-enter Jacob's Ladder

and to start at the bottom

and work the program again,

then start working on yourself over,

if you'd like to do that.

Honestly, I feel...

I feel better than I have been
in the past couple of weeks

'cause I don't have to lie
about it anymore.

I've never, ever stuck with it
and sat here through the consequences.

I've always gone.

I had money in my pocket, I still do,

and my first instinct was to run.

Yeah.

But I didn't, and I think
that was a huge step for me.

Like I told you yesterday,
I'm proud of you for that, man.

That leaves us with Jeff.

Yours is tough, man.

Yours is tough because,

honestly, the extent
of how far off track you went.

I mean, it's the life you led before.

The only difference is
you're not injecting yet.

Breaking the law, lying,

taking what you want when you want,
how you want.

Your situation with your girls.

I've already called Kristen Antolini,
and I asked her, "Is there any leeway?"

She has to talk to the judge,

but she thinks you could have
until mid-to-late January

to stretch this out
and get yourself some help.

Question is,
where are you going to get that help?

What do you want, Jeff?

Nothing.

No help with us?

-No help...
-I'm already fucked, dude.

I just want my girls, dude.

Drinking, you know what I mean,
fucked it all up.

Now I ain't gonna get 'em.

By the time I go there and get out,

I ain't had no time to get on my feet,
get 'em home.

It'll be over with, anyways.

So I'm basically fucked all around,

because I chose to drink a little bit.

We've seen the best you and the worst,

and right now,
it's like this "fuck it" Jeff.

I don't say, "Fuck it," if I'm you.

I say, "What do I do?"

Do the next right thing
in front of my face

and hope to God that somehow
that we can continue to work this.

This is it, man.

I mean, if you run away
from this right now,

you're never getting them back.

You know that.

I'm tired of fucking moving.

I know, Mom, but I'm a big boy.

Sometimes I gotta go through
these struggles to get to the other side.

I mean, I'm gonna try
to figure it out, Mom.

Hey, man, what's up?
How you been, dude?

I know drinking's a big fucking deal,
you know what I mean, but it's like...

I don't know.
I don't know how to say it the right way.

You shouldn't drink, yeah,
you shouldn't, you know?

You shouldn't do stupid shit,
when you've been drinking...

It's not like we went out
and banged dope,

went back to the same old shit.

Yeah, but if your life's become
unmanageable because of your drinking,

even if it's just scheduling.

Even if it's just not being on time,
not being home for curfew.

Even if none of the other shit happened,
drinking's making that shit happen,

or partying, the lifestyle in general.

I moved back in with my mom
for a short period of time,

and forgot about the Minneapolis thing.

I called my boss and asked
if I can still have my job,

if I had transportation
and a place to stay out here,

and he said,
"Yeah, get your ass back to work Monday.

I'll see you then."

My decision was made right then.

Paying the bills and I like it.

Here, cows.

Come on, come here.

-Good girl.
-Come here!

Yep, yep!

It's the hardest I've ever worked before.

I don't know what to do.

I'm lost in my own little world.

But I'll figure it out eventually.

God, grant us the serenity

to accept the things we cannot change,
the courage to change the things we can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Just for you today, I've asked
a friend to read "The 12 Steps."

I'm Rush and I'm an addict.

Hi, Rush.

One, we admitted we were powerless
over our addiction,

our lives have become unmanageable.

Two, came to believe
a power greater than ourselves

could restore us to sanity.

Eight, we made a list of all persons
we had harmed,

and became willing
to make amends to them all.

Nine, we made direct amends
to such people wherever possible,

except when to do so
would injure them or others.

Give me that. You don't need it.

I don't care. You don't get no more.

No, you've had enough.

You done spilled it everywhere.
You ain't getting no more.

-I'll shut it.
-I don't care what you're gonna do.

-Making a train track.
-Don't! Quit!

I just want more water!

-No you won't. I'll do it. Go!
-No!

I'm nowhere near ready for this.
I'm not.

- Yuck.
- Here.

Then don't eat nothing at all.

You don't get to pick what you want.

I was finishing drywall, and my boss
shows up and I have a kid here.

He's like, "You going to work?"
I said, "I have nobody to watch her."

And he's basically told me
he don't need me.

He slammed his door and left.

I need to get out of this town, man.

They're in a good home here.

They got a roof over their head,
transportation.

Someone feeds them, loves them.

You know?

I don't got none of that right now.

I got the love, but that's about it.

You know? So...

I thought more about getting high
this past day

than I have since I've been out
of Jacob's Ladder.

This the love shack?

Yeah, let's shut this door.

My heat is so expensive,
it's unbelievable.

Ten days from now marks my one year
that I was in jail.

I went to jail ten days from today...

Mm-hmm.

...so it's like,
my life is completely flipped around.

-Yeah.
-I mean, I was homeless, man.

I've been around the addiction world
for a while, and...

You know, I did notice
that you look skinnier now.

You know what I mean?

I'm pretty fit right now.

You know what I mean?
I can run up nine flights of stairs.

I don't know.
I just want to live my life.

You know, and I have, like...

people showing up at my house asking me
to come back to Jacob's Ladder,

because, you know,
I failed a drug test for weed,

and it's like, dude...

so I should never have bought that car
from Jacob's Ladder.

Did you all make an agreement?
On taking piss tests

with the vehicle and stuff,
since he financed it for you?

He made me sign a contract that said
I had to piss anytime he wants me

for the next fucking two years.

Who does that? For a car?

-You're talking about Kevin?
-Yeah.

So, he's like, "You failed this drug test.
We can't let you keep the jeep."

Bro, you did drugs,
you know what I'm saying?

Like, take responsibility
for what you did.

No, that's not it.

That's not it, bro.

I don't know what to say, man.

I just want to live my life.

It's all good, man.

I'll tell you what, there is fucking
nothing to do up here, though.

Yeah, I've noticed that.

That Xbox probably has, like,
a billion hours on it right now.

Yeah.

All right, brother,
I'm gonna hit the road.

-All right, man.
-Love you, dude.

Love you, too.

I'm always here for you, man.
If you ever need anything,

-just hit me up.
-I got your number.

If you need medicine right now...

Cuckoo pill.

The addict's favorite part of the day.
It's medicine time.

Rush, is this all you're taking?
Just one?

-Yeah.
-"Take half a tablet daily."

Yep. I'm just on half a tablet.

-Are these half tablets?
-No, you have to cut it in half.

I started depression medication.
Zoloft, I think it's Zoloft.

Something with a Z.

So I got on the antidepressants,
'cause, like, there was no...

It was going up, it was going down.
You know, normal fluctuation.

It was just like...

I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I had, like, really bad thoughts,
homicidal, suicidal.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression
when I was really young,

but I never really took medication.
I self-medicated instead, so...

Now I'm like, "What do I do?"
I can't self-medicate, so...

I was like, "Sign me up for something,
see how it works."

I'm just glad I'm not lost,
and I'm still found.

No one's heard from Jeff, really,
so that scares me.

I heard he missed a pee test.

So I don't know what's gonna happen,
what's going on.

Message MO 22. The number
you have called is no longer in service.

If you feel you have reached
this recording in error,

please check the number and dial again.

Message MO 22.

Hi.

You gotta walk...

-You're on...
-Thin ice, yeah, I know.

Yeah, so...

All rise.

You may be seated.

He is in agreement
that he made some bad choices,

and I think the short of it is that...

because he made a few bad choices,
he got scared,

and instead of reaching out to help
from me,

instead of reaching out to help
from probation,

he just stopped having contact
with all of us.

So you have something you wish to say?

I just want to apologize to the court
for my behavior,

the way I acted out. I got scared.

I apologize to my probation officer
for not keeping in contact.

I feel like I let everybody down,
and I truly am sorry.

I'd like to have one more chance
at this probation.

Would you prefer being in prison,
or would you prefer probation?

Your Honor, I prefer probation.
I don't wanna go to prison.

Well, you have to follow my orders.

I definitely don't wanna go to prison.

-Listen, these are serious charges.
-Yes, sir.

Now, if you like hanging out
with other prisoners,

we can make that arrangement for you.

-Do you understand that?
-Yes, Your Honor.

I can go pee today if you like me to.

All right, I'm going to grant probation.

I'm going to sanction you for 30 days.

Yes, sir.

- All right. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

-What about Mad TV?
-Did you see that Sean Spicer stuff?

Did I see it? No, Jack, I'm in rehab.
I didn't fucking see it.

-I saw it.
-I'mma send that to you.

Look, this gray hair on my head,
I named it Adam.

-You gonna pull it out?
-You know how many gray hairs I have?

I get a call, and it was Adam,

and he just opened up
and he said he's been doing heroin,

and didn't wanna...

Didn't wanna keep going that way.

You know, had a friend that had
passed away due to an overdose,

and he just didn't know what to do.

So I brought him back.

What's up, man?

How are you doing, bro?

-Been better.
-Well, you're here.

-Pretty cold right now.
-Welcome home.

Thanks.
I appreciate you taking me back, man.

I told you we'd be here for you.
We're always here for you.

It doesn't always work first time
down the path, man.

No, no.

Ask all these guys, man.

I think I just had the wrong ideas.

Probably should've stuck around here.
Not the best idea.

Definitely shouldn't have gone back
to Wheeling.

No, shouldn't have gone back to Wheeling.

Shouldn't have took that job, either.

It was just all drugs and bullshit.

You knew that, but sometimes,
you gotta learn the hard way.

Yeah, I just had to trial by fire.

Fortunately,
the fire didn't burn you all the way.

No, it did not.

It scorched you. Well, we'll get you out.

Sunday I was at the house,

and I get a text message saying,
"Adam has left Jacob's Ladder."

He was adamant,
said his mind was made up.

He did not want to go through detox,

and he said, "I appreciate the offer
to come back here,

but I'm just not ready
to quit getting high,"

and he just packed his bags, walked out.

I was dope sick,
and I was there for two nights.

I couldn't sleep at all,
and I felt like I didn't give a fuck.

I don't know, heroin,

it's just a whole 'nother level.

Unless, and I'm not ever condoning
somebody gotta try it,

but if you try it, you know...

you're gonna like it.

It's heroin.

It's the worst drug on the planet,
because it's so good.

You know, people don't get addicted
to heroin because it sucks.

You know, my mom, like, hates me
being here.

You know, when she found out I was using,

it broke her heart.

How do you feel right now?

Depressed.

I watch a lot of TV.

Watch a lot of TV.

Have you guys seen  Fear the Walking Dead?

It's a good TV show.

I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm just winging it.

'Cause it's all brand new again.

I feel like it hasn't changed.

I feel like I'm right back
where I was a year and a half ago.

Like, what do you do?
Do you throw him out on the street?

I did that. It didn't work.

Made me worry even more,
thought I was gonna get the phone call,

you know, that he was found
under the bridge, or...

that he was arrested.

I need a tissue.

So I don't think I'm gonna go that route,
unless I'm forced to

by whatever actions, you know,
Adam takes.

That's gonna be kinda the deciding point
with that, you know?

I mean, obviously if I come home,
and my belongings...

If I have to buy this damn television
for a fourth time,

I'm gonna be really pissed.

I've already bought
my own television three times.

He had it all three weeks ago.

His own house, his own vehicle,
good job, making good money.

Maybe it was too much too fast.

What do you think?

I don't know.

I don't know what I want.

As you can see,

you know, things are very far
from perfect in my life.

But you can't get help until you want it.

He's gotta make up his mind.

It's very sad.

Last one.

Rush, you're like my mother times four.

Day one.

- Yeah, I only need this much space.
- Okay.

-All that hanging space.
-Books. I have a library.

We have a requirement here.
You go to five meetings a week.

That can be AA or NA.

We have two in-house meetings a week.

Everybody in the house participates
in a service activity

in the community once a month.

We have a curfew here.

I still want that accountability,
you know?

I wanna be sure
that when I do integrate into society

from this next stepping stone,
Morgantown Sober Living,

that I will have what I need
to succeed in life

outside of a recovery house
or a rehab,

and this is where I need to be.

-Thank you.
-Yeah, anything else?

-No, I think that's it.
-Okay.

Okay, welcome to the Friendship House.

This is the 10:00 a.m.
substance abuse group.

The topic for discussion today is
chemical dependency,

but we can also talk
about recovery in any form.

I'm Ryan.

-I'm Pam.
-Hey, Pam.

-I'm Sean.
-Hey, Sean.

-I'm Heather.
-Heather.

-I'm Stephen.
-Hey, Stephen.

So if there's problems you want
to discuss and overcome,

we're here to help you.
You're not gonna get judged by me.

You're not gonna get judged by Keith.
A lot of us struggle the same way.

- Today would have been 47 days.
- That's great.

But I kinda went back one day.

-You slipped?
-I slipped.

I mean, did something happen
when you had your slip though,

or the next day, you were like,

"Oh, I shouldn't have drank,
because this happened"?

When my brain starts going
a million miles an hour,

it just doesn't function right.

Don't be living in that shame and guilt,

'cause today you're here,
and you're in group,

and you're not drunk,
and that's a big deal.

There's a lot of different aspects
to recovery.

It's like you wanna pick and choose
what you wanna do and not do.

You tell me.
Take what you want and leave the rest.

I know that's true.

Exactly.

So we can do wellness plans
after group.

Any goal you have that relates
to your physical,

mental or spiritual well-being,

we're willing to help with, so...

Rush, man.

- Rush, you look good, buddy.
- Thanks, man.

-I like your hair.
-Thank you.

- I just did it up.
- You look amazing.

Thank you.

-Workin' out?
-Nope.

-What's up?
-What's up, man?

Oh, my God.

I thought we were early.

-Be careful, man.
-It's not gonna be "Kumbaya."

Come on, "Kumbaya."

Are we gonna do
campfire funny songs again?

- I have to have metatarsal boots tomorrow.
- Mm-hmm.

If you want to go down with me

and help me buy them
or something like that...

That's fine. I'd much rather buy
your boots than give you money.

-Okay.
-I mean...

I'm starting a new job tomorrow.
Got another fabricator position.

Starts out 13 bucks an hour.

I'm hopeful.

He's back on the Suboxone.
Did good at the clinic.

That's a good thing.

I'd rather him be under supervision

with the Suboxone
than out doing heroin.

So, you know,
it's the lesser of two evils.

Seems to be doing okay on it.

He looks better, doesn't have
the big black circles under his eyes,

isn't passing out mid-sentence.

-Those kind of things.
-I wasn't passing out mid-sentence.

-Maybe I was.
-Yeah, you were. You were.

But I think he's doing pretty good.

This week, we're on the right track.

Yeah, this week.
We'll see about next week.

That's like I said,
I'm hopefully optimistic.

Cautiously optimistic may be
a better way to put it.

Yeah, these are it, right here, too.

We don't know where he's living,
where he's going.

So technically,
only people he has that live here

are his sister and ex-wife
and her family?

-Yes.
-And they're with her parents, the kids?

Her mom.

Poor kids.

Wow.

It's awful how they just, like,
let people be released.

I don't know how people are supposed
to get on a good footing

and follow rules of probation
when they don't have any resources,

and they're just released
to North Central.

-What's going on, man?
-Hey.

-How are you doing?
-Good.

-How are you?
-Good.

-Hey, man.
-What's up?

- How are you?
- What is the plan?

What is your ultimate plan right now?
'Cause we have nothing.

I just want to get out of town, man.

-Not gonna let you.
-Then I don't have a plan.

We can't have that.

- Well, when you leave here...
- I can't be in Morgantown.

Morgantown's a bad place for me.

You are going to have to be
in Morgantown right now,

and when you leave here, you need
to go directly to the Bartlett House,

make sure you got somewhere
to stay tonight,

then you gotta hit the ground running,
trying to find employment.

I'm a three-time felon. You know
how hard it is to get a job, man?

I put in every fast food restaurant,
from Sabraton to Star City last time.

No one would take me.

You gotta look at it.

You pretty much fumbled the ball.

-You're in the situation you are.
-Mm-hmm.

Your wife is in the situation she's in.

Pretty much your kids are just in limbo.

Right now, neither one of you guys
are batting 100,

so what is our treatment plan
for you gonna be?

-Going to NA meetings?
-Yeah, definitely.

Do not consume any intoxicants.
No liquor, no synthetic drugs.

No K2, no bath salts.

No prescriptions not of yours.

If you decided you want
to get on Subutex or Suboxone,

Subutex is no longer allowed...

Setting up for failure,
you know what I mean?

I can't be in this town, dude.

I can't do it.

It's your brother Jeff.
I just got out today.

I thought I could get out tomorrow,
but it's today.

Yeah, I don't know what to do.

They want me to stay at Bartlett House,
but I ain't about to do that.

They're nothing but drug addicts there.
Homeless drug addicts.

Why do I want to stay there?

Hey, Chad, this is Jeff.

I thought about coming back
to Jacob's Ladder.

I need it, dude.

My life's getting out of hand.

I just messed up
and did a line of cocaine today.

What's this life for?

Give me a call.

Love you, bro. Goodbye.

Old Dad's back.

Jeff.

What's up, brother? How you doing?

-Doing better.
-Yeah?

We're happy you're alive,

'cause Friday night,
if it hadn't been for that person,

the random person who is unnamed
that was driving by,

that saw the people that you were
using with pouring water on your face,

smacking you and shaking you,
who knows if they would have called EMS?

But that one person called the EMS.

So your hero's out there, man.

A random person drove by
and saw you needed help and made a call.

They didn't have to do that.

You could just be
another drug addict dead.

You know,
people on Facebook saying, "Let him die."