All language subtitles for Dont Suck [2023] [1080p] eng

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[man laughs]

Well, ladies and gentlemen.

You have come
to the right place

if you're looking for laughter
to break your face.

Because we got people
on this show tonight

that are gonna be earthquakian
when it comes to laughter

and they're with us tonight.

Put it together,
ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause]

Trip's over, hoss.
That's three large.

It'll be good to get out
of this shithole.

Good evening, ladies.

Still funny now, funny man?

I don't know.
Still an asshole, asshole man?

I don't know. Let me check.

There.

Oh, hold on.

[man] Step aside, juanito.

This ain't got shit
to do with you.

Sir, listen,
we don't want any trouble.

We're very sorry.

[gun cocks]

You got no idea
where you are, homeboy?

[speaking foreign language]

The High Desert.

Ain't no law here.

Ain't nobody coming
for you boys.

You don't want to do this.

Step aside, Twilight.

This is between me
and that pendejo.

Put the gun down, Paco.

Shut the fuck up!

Ignore him. Listen to me.

I'm gonna count to three.

Three, two...

Please don't do this.

[gunshot]

[grunts]

That was a warning.

[Ethan] You missed.

[gunshots]

[gasps]

[suspenseful music playing]

[snarls]

[singer] ♪ Ooh, oh,
Do me, baby♪

♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby♪

♪ Ooh, oh, do me, baby♪

[singer] ♪ All right,
Stop whatcha doin'♪

♪ 'Cause I'm about to ruin
The image and the style♪

♪ That ya used to♪

♪ I look funny♪

♪ But yo,
I'm makin' money, see♪

♪ So, yo, world,
I hope you're ready for me♪

♪ Now, gather 'round♪

♪ I'm the new fool in town♪

♪ And my sound's laid
Down by the Underground♪

♪ I'll drink up
All the Hennessey♪

♪ Ya got on ya shelf♪

♪ So just let me
Introduce myself♪

♪ My name is Humpty,
Pronounced with a Umpty...♪

[woman] You got this, Pete.

Waddup, girl?

[singer] ♪ Oh, how I like
To funk thee♪

♪ And all the rappers
In the top ten♪

♪ Please allow me To bump thee♪

♪ I'm steppin' tall,
Like, y'all♪

All right. Yo, Pete.
Kill it tonight, man.

You know it, man.

[man] You're getting me
on the list, Pete?

Hey. No.

[singer] ♪ I'm spunky,
I like my oatmeal lumpy♪

♪ I'm sick wit dis,
Straight gangsta mack♪

[cheers and applause]

[man] Hey, Pete.

-[cheers and applause]
-[laughter]

So, she says,
"Look, I understand

that you're unemployed,
but can I ask?

How much are you
typically spending

on a bottle of wine lately?"

I said, "Honey, no more
than ten, fifteen minutes."

-[cheers and applause]
-[laughter]

Folks, are you ready
to spend some more time

with the next comedian?

Yeah?

Now, help me welcome
July Alouise. Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Keep it going
for Roy Shackleford!

[cheers and applause]

Yup, it's my birthday.

Thank you. Thank you.

When I was a little girl on
my birthday,

I hated to be spanked.

Boy, have I changed.

[laughter]

Now, I have a birthday
every week.

Yo, yo. Oh, look at him.

My man. Handsome.

-Look at you, son.
-Look at you.

Hey, I got to ask you
a question, brother.

Why in the world would you use
the C-word at 6:00 a.m.?

Because it's funny all day. Hmm.

For sure,
but that clerk was offended.

Who isn't these days, bro?

At least it went viral.

[Sandy]
So, you're this week's
comedian?

Can you tell me a joke?

Can I just have
my room key, Sandy?

[Sandy]
Not until you tell me a joke.

-You want a joke?
-Yes.

What's the difference
between a vagina

and a [bleep]?

You would think she would have

a better sense of humor,
you know?

You know what?

Fuck the internet, okay?

And by the way, I'm offended

that you're putting on
seven open mikers

in front of me tonight.

Do that on a bringer night.

Bro, they're just
my fucking students.

Yeah, I get it.

They pay you,
you give them stage time.

You Weinstein them.

I get it.
Do it on another night.

No one ever gave
the great Pete Brennan a shot?

Hey, hey,
wasn't your first time onstage

headlining at The Improv?

That's right.

And I never sucked one dick
or licked one ball bag.

-Oh, you didn't?
-No.

[applause]

I asked my girlfriend to say
something nice about me

and she said,
"Well, you know your, uh,

your penis is bigger
than all your friends'."

[laughter]

And you can always tell
the woman in casinos

that are hookers
because they're the ones

-that talk to you.
-[laughter]

They say good things
come in pairs,

which is a great way to get
kicked out of the fruit market.

[laughter]

Danny, PJ's running
a little bit late.

I was gonna stick Ethan on next.

Coolio.

Ooh, we got one of your pupils?

-Former alumni. Class of '97.
-Makes sense.

That was the last time
you wrote a new joke.

That you're still using, biatch.

It's a good bit.

[Pete] Yeah, that's right.

Hey. So, they let you out
after storming the Capitol?

[Pete] You know what?

I had a note, okay?

-I never sat on Pelosi's desk.
-Okay. Yeah.

Hey, uh, when can we see you
in the new episode

of Doomsday Preppers?

I did a self-tape,
still waiting.

Bummer.

Hey, do yourself a favor.

Take a look at the kid
that I'm sticking onstage next.

Why would I ever do that?

[Roy] You've seen people bomb.

This kid next levels it.

Epic, right?

Yeah, Hiroshima.

This kid eats more dick
than K-pop's mother, right?

-Yeah.
-And plus, he's got this weird,

like, quirky thing.

It, like, totally draws you in.
Trust me. Am I right?

-[Danny] True.
-Okay. Let me guess.

He's never had one paid gig

and his social media
all starts with,

"The official blah, blah."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This dude is rich.

He does it
for the love of the game.

-How papered up?
-[Danny] Paper.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Dude, fat money.
It's--dude, it's crazy.

Like, uh, Waterboy said, man,
he got something.

You should go check him out.

Yeah.

So, Fat Mike Pants,

you really should go
gluten-free.

Look, how's this
fucking crowd tonight, bro?

Okay. Put it this way.

The lady who threw the diamond
off the front of the Titanic,

she's in the front row
with her parents.

That's old.

-[laughter]
-[Pete] Fuck!

Let's go. Let me see
his fucking funeral out here.

Yeah, you got it.

-Oh, hey, Pete.
-Yeah?

-Don't suck.
-Damn it!

-[upbeat music playing]
-[laughter]

You're slowing down, bro.

[upbeat music playing]

Oh, you're too kind,
you're too kind.

Are you ready
for some more comedy?

Let me tell you about this
next kid coming to the stage.

He's ridden all the way
from Hungary

and once opened
for Sebastian Bach,

the pianist, not the heavy
metal singer from Skid Row.

Please welcome,
the very funny, Ethan Barr.

Come on, Ethan.

-[applause]
-Yeah.

You'll be fine.

[clears throat]

Hello, everybody.

I am Ethan Barr...

and I am a vampire.

For the record, I'm neither
Team Edward or Team Jacob.

I rooted for the sun.

On account of the daylight...

which is
an urban legend anyways.

[man] Yeah, like your act.

[Ethan] Wow.

I haven't seen a crowd
this tight

since the Venetians
at The Siege of Corfu 1716.

[man] Like, you were there?

I was.

I believe we captured
over 8,000 men that day.

Ha!

That was funny.

[Ethan] You'll have
to excuse me...

-I told you he had something.
-...I'm a bit tired.

That was definitely something!

[Roy] Hey, I told you
[indistinct]

[Ethan] The [indistinct]

This is like a derailment, bro.

And, boy, are my arms tired.

How much time has he got left?

He's got like a minute.

[Ethan] And he pulls out
a used tampon.

No, in his career.

[laughs] He's got like a minute.

Told you it was hilarious.

All right. Let me go abort this.

That is club's night in Texas.

[laughs] I'll light you at five.

All right.

-All right. Kill it, Champ.
-[applause]

-Where are you going?
-I think I just sharted.

[Roy] Folks, keep it going
for Ethan Barr.

He's new. He's tired.

[man] [indistinct]
right over here.

Wow, you're Pete Brennan.

It's a pleasure.

Hey, buddy. How are you?

I saw you in the back.

Okay.

I didn't realize it was you...

until I did.

Oh, yeah.
I was the guy who laughed.

And again, thank you for that.

They say, "If you can reach
just one person," right?

They do say that. Yeah.

Is that what they say?

I think so.

Bro, could you get closer or--

-I could.
-I'd rather you not.

-Okay.
-Jesus Christ, dude.

The real reason I came over here

was to see if...

-Yeah?
-...you ever needed

an opener or even had
any tips for me.

I'd be...

very thankful.

You're looking for a tip?

That would be incredible.

Here's a tip.

Uh, try not to talk
to the headliner's ear off

before he's about
to take the stage.

Hear me?

Yeah.

Okay?

Fucking Chatty Cathy.

It's Ethan.

The Insurrectionist of Comedy,

Mr. Pete Brennan.

[cheers and applause]

[man] Don't [indistinct] bro.

Don't talk to comic.

Oh, my God.

Good stuff.

It's like shooting fish
in a barrel.

Uh, sorry. You'll get them
next time, buddy.

Give it up for, uh, your host,

Roy Shackleford, everybody.

That's right.

[applause]

Give it up
for Count Dracula, everybody.

He was, uh...

He was so scary.

He scared
the laughs away, right?

[laughter]

When he's here,
it's a two-pint minimum.

Yeah.

Good thing he sleeps
in a coffin

because he died up here.

I mean, he was--
whew, he was so bad,

he made me wanna drive a stake
through my own heart, right?

Even just, you know,
just a bit.

[laughter, applause]

Oh, man. Hey, at least
he remembered you.

[Pete] ...this Dracula guy?

Oh, come on. Let's get you
a drink, all right?

How about a Bloody Mary?

Maybe for you, hold the Mary.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, Roy.

I'm sorry I missed my set.

Whatever, man. Ethan covered it.

Of all the people, him?

Well, yeah.
You weren't here on time.

He was the worst student
in our class.

His stupid Twilight joke
isn't even accurate, all right?

Everybody knows
Edward sparkles in the sun

and frickin' Jacob
is a frickin' werewolf, dude.

Come on, man!

This guy needs
his own identity, you know?

He's just a Baby Bat poser!

-Beverage?
-Oh, God. Perfect timing.

-[Pete] Yeah.
-You buying?

I'm out of drink tickets.

-What the--
-Baby Bat.

Hmm.

How original.

PJ, you, my friend,
are a cosplayer...

a bad movie reboot.

You crave eternity,
yet mistakenly believe

it can be achieved through
nihilistic posts online.

And to top it off,

for the rest of your short...

mortal life...

you have to walk around
looking like Cher

face-fucked Marilyn Manson.

[electric guitar strums]

I'm not that ugly, am I?

Ugly as a motherfucker,
but use it.

Is he serious?

Thanks for telling the audience
you knocked me up tonight.

Really racked in the cash,
almost cracked minimum wage.

I do what I can
to get you more tips.

Come on. Plus, it's funny.

No. It's hack.

Customers were like,
"When are you due?

Have you picked
out a gender yet?"

Okay.

First of all, gender doesn't
exist as a concept,

so you're cancelled,
and "hack"? Really?

-Come on.
-Is that all

that matters to you?

Well, it's important. I mean--

Hey, Ethan. Great set tonight.

Uh, I do, however, have some,
uh, tips on that Grindr bit,

so we'll talk about it
on Sunday, won't we?

Thank you, Steph.
I appreciate that.

Hello, Pete.

I just wanted to say great set--

What's going on on Sunday?

Well, that's actually what
I wanted to speak to you about.

Sunday evening, I am having
a small to-do at my place

and I would love it
if you could make it.

And you are gonna have Stephanie
at this to-do?

Yeah, she will be there

as well as Roy, Danny,
a few others.

Nothing crazy.

I wanted to formally invite you
and Steph said

I should do it myself.

I understand if you're busy,

there's no pressure,
but I'd love to have you there.

Okay. Let me tell you something,
okay, bro?

First of all, I don't even
believe that accent.

You're probably
from Cleveland, okay?

Second of all,
comics are only busy

when they're getting busy,
you know what I'm saying?

Okay.

So, maybe you can come by

and give me some tips
or something.

Oh, my God, dude.

What am I, Reddit?
You're always asking for tips.

I've known you
for eight minutes.

Okay. Here's a tip.

Never try to hit
on the comedy club waitress...

Ooh, but Steph...

...when the comedy club waitress
happens to be

the headliner's girlfriend
at his home club.

Ah.

Yeah. Okay.

[Ethan] So, I'll see you Sunday.

Oh, I can't wait.
We can talk about skin rubs.

When were you gonna tell me
about this Sunday?

Oh, I wanted him to tell you.

Thank you, Steph.

Nope, not doing that.

-Doing what?
-This whole jealousy thing.

-I'm not jealous.
-Yes, you are.

-I'm not.
-Uh-hmm.

No need two decades, Pete.

It wasn't cute then
and it ain't cute now.

Besides, I thought we could
actually go out for once.

I'm out every night.

Yeah, to comedy clubs.

-Yeah.
-But, honey,

when was the last time
that we actually went out?

You know I have other
wardrobe besides

jaded cocktail waitress dress
for a funeral, right?

. First of all,
I think you look fantastic.

And second of all,
you can't say the word cocktail

-without saying the word--
-Cock.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. Got it.

Two k-sounds
in a single syllable word.

How prolific.

Can you just turn it off
for two seconds

and be real with me?

-[sighs] Okay. But look--
-[mumbles]

-I'm going to Ethan's.
-Uh-hmm.

I'd want for you to join.

But if you don't, guess what?
I'm still going.

[sighs] Fine.

I'll go for, like, an hour,
all right, tops?

That's it. But I don't--

Maybe you'll actually
have fun for once.

Oh, and, uh,
maybe get some new material?

[clears throat intentionally]

I concur.

Lick my ass, guys.

Wax that thing.

Tongue punch my fart box.

[laughter]

Lick all around my ass

because even my taint is better

than the five minutes
I saw you guys do tonight.

[phone ringing]

What's up, Chuck?

Ah! The timeless, old puke joke
that never gets funny.

What are you even doing up
it's 12:00 noon?

I'm--I'm actually writing
new jokes,

not that you care.

Actually, I don't.

Now, listen up,
my little meal ticket.

I have a commitment for you
to open up

the brand new
Russell Peters special

taping at the Sahara.

You know, international
superstar Russell Peters.

All right.

I also added a few shitty gigs
to your run,

so check your schedule.

What, another bowling alley
or another taco stand?

Listen, Pete, as your friend...

you know, you wouldn't have to
take all these shitty gigs

if we just stop paying
for all those medical bills?

Come on, Chuck.
No, don't go there, all right?

Look.

I'm just saying,
there are some other ways,

some of them even legal
for you to dig out of your hole.

There's nothing more American
than filing bankruptcy.

Dude, I looked into it, okay?
It's 2,500 bucks.

I don't even have enough money
to claim I don't have any money.

[laughs] That's hilarious.

Please tell me
you used that in the rotation.

It's not a joke.

Unfortunately, it's my life.

Well, your misery is hilarious.

Okay, look.

I'm only gonna do this
Russell gig

because I wanna be seen
by the network execs.

That's it.

I need you to schmooze
the suits, Chuck.

Do your job, Chuck. No offense.

Huh. Tons taken.

By the way, duly noted.

Listen, do me a favor.

Pick an opener

or one's gonna be appointed
for you.

Hold on. No, Chuck.

I'm not getting stuck
in the road

with one of your social
media influencers.

I don't need somebody
who can't actually tell a joke.

What do you do with them,
you pay for play?

All right.

Now, you can stop pretending
like you're writing jokes,

and go back to watching porn.

Fire a little toddler juice

into a tissue of love,
you weirdo.

I'm not--I'm not on porn.

[woman moaning]

[ominous music playing]

Wasn't there a helicopter
in Scarface?

Remember the guy hanging?

This is kind of, like,
a James Bond villain.

Holy.

My God, this is...

Okay. I think
you should slow down.

Why?

You invite me out, the least
I can do is get toasty.

You're toasty enough, trust me.

Get that--you promised.

Oh, God.

I'm gonna knock the door
'cause apparently,

chivalry is dead.

[Pete] I don't wanna
chip my nails.

Like the fun cop is here.

-[door opens]
-What the...

How can I help you guys?

Whoa! It's like Thanos
in a sport coat.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-Yeah.
-I'm scared.

Uh, can Ethan come out to play?

[Ethan] It's okay.

-It's cool?
-Uh-hmm.

Okay.

-Hey.
-[Ethan] Thank you, Heegan.

Welcome to my home.

[Stephanie] Incredible.

Enthralled you both
could make it.

This is for you.

Steph, thank you.

Pinot. Hmm.

Pete picked it out
just like our outfits,

so if it sucks...

I thought it'd compliment
the whole Renfield thing,

you know, and really go
with your motif.

That is so thoughtful, Pete.

Though, Renfield
was an assistant.

I was clearly a Baron.

But I appreciate the sentiment.

Please, do come in.

Do come in.

This dude
really is committed to this.

[Ethan] Pete, would you mind
closing the door, please?

[dramatic music playing]

[grunting]

[door creaking]

-Jackpot!
-It's cool?

-I'd love to.
-Yeah, yeah. It's my pleasure.

He might be single
for the right girl.

And this is my game room.

[Stephanie] Should have worn
my cleavage.

Oh, shit,
I haven't seen that dude

since Counting Crows broke up.

Hey, Pete Brennan!
How are you, man?

[Pete] Yeah. I'm doing good.

Well, I'm, uh,
free next two months if...

You know, come
to a guest set,

they love to see you,
just pop in.

Eight minutes?

Uh, well, give it ten minutes.

-Okay [indistinct]
-All right.

-Take care, Pete.
-Harry, you look great.

You too, buddy.
Love you, man.

Man, back at you, dude.

[Stephanie] That went well.

[Chuck] Hey,
what's up, monkey-tits?

What's up, Chuck?

[chuckle] Swing and a miss!

What are you doing here?

Checking out the new talent.

When you're saying new talent,

I hope you mean females

and not the emo kid
who lives here.

Hey, I know you may find
this tough to believe,

but you are not the only
open miker on my roster.

-Hey!
-Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy, cockbreath, all right?
I'm working for you.

Didn't you get my message?

I got you the cover
of Middle Act Magazine.

-Oh!
-Ho, ho. Hey!

Now, shut your chicken skimmer

and let's do another shot.

Ain't got to tell me twice.

Who wants another shot?

-Yeah. Always.
-Oh, yeah. No.

I would absolutely love to,
except it looks like

I'm designated driver
tonight again.

Why are you even with this man?

Two words.

Baby arm.

Any questions?

Come on, Steph.
We all know that baby

is gonna be asleep by 9:00.

[laughter]

Good point.
Chuck, line 'em up.

Now, that's a fuckin'
team player, boys!

All right. Round them up.

-Here you go, kids.
-[Chuck] Let's go!

All right, guys.
What are gonna we toast to?

Oh, apparently, we're toasting

to Pete's cream-filled
flesh twinkie.

I think that Ethan
should do the toast.

I don't know.

[all] Come on.

Ethan. Ethan.

[all] Ethan! Ethan!
Ethan! Ethan!

Okay. Okay.

Come on, burgundy boy.

To a long life and a happy one.

To a quick death
that escapes none.

Drink to good spirits,
worthy amongst friends.

Drink that you may live,

and may you live till the end.

And for those who cannot,

it has often been said...

may we meet in heaven

before the devil knows
we're dead.

I--I don't get it.

That's 'cause you take your IQ
with a fuckin' tire gauge.

[man] Oh. Somebody said it.
Holy shit!

-Cheers, guys!
-[all] Cheers!

[indistinct chatter]

[Pete] Whoa.

She's mesmerizing!

She was mesmerizing.

Where did you come from, dude?

Damn. Yeah.

You bang her?

She was my mother.

You bang her?

Bangable.

What filter did they use
to make her look old-timey?

That's pretty cool.

It's an original
Poussin, actually.

Painted in 1621.

The summer before she died.

-Poussin?
-Poussin.

[scoffs]

I bet she got
a lot of Poussin.

No. This is my only one.

No, bruh.

This is a Poussin palace.

No, it's my palace.
He simply painted one picture.

He was a family friend.

1621, a lot of people
died in 1621.

Beheading.

Seriously?

It happens.

Aha. Aha.

"Let them eat cake!"

Something like that.

Yeah. "Off with their heads!

Give me liberty or give me cake.

Cake for them to eat

without their heads,

so they have no mouth
to eat it!"

Even funnier the second time.

No fucking way!

Uh-hmm.

You sleep in this thing?

Well, before
blackout curtains, sure.

It's mostly just for show now.

A few extracurricular
activities.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Of course. Hmm.

You were amazing.

-You were incredible.
-No. My pleasure.

I'm gonna take it
those aren't your aunts?

-Oh.
-What?

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, man, I'm good.

-Okay.
-Unless you put something

in this.
You put something?

No, no.

You want to make
this a Cosbypolitan?

-No. Thank you.
-Thank you.

I had heard you might need
an opener for this week.

From who?

-Chuck.
-Chuck?

-Fuck Chuck!
-He may have mentioned it.

And let me say,
if you take me,

I will drive and I will pay
for every expense.

-What?
-I'll pay for everything.

-Booze?
-Yes.

-Gas?
-Yes.

Viagra?

If you need it.

Anal beads?

I don't know
where to get those,

but I'll give you cash.

All right.

How about this,
on top of all the expenses,

you can also keep all the money
I will get paid for opening

as well as an additional 3,000

on top for the opportunity?

What do you say?

Why?

Money is fleeting, Pete.

Comedy isn't.

And I want to learn
from the best, you.

Well, I'd be an asshole
if I said no.

Yes.

Oh, thank you,

I am but your humble servant.

Ha! Servant.

Servant! You said it, Renfield.

I was right,
that bottle of wine is on point.

Touche.

So, we're good?

Yeah, we're good.

-Wonderful.
-Let me tell you something.

I'm not sucking your dick,

and more importantly...

you're not sucking my dick.

Look, just--I don't--
just no dicks, okay?

No dicks, okay?

No touching tips.

No, "Hey, show me yours,
I'll show you mine."

It ain't fucking
summer camp, okay?

Understood.

To our dickless adventure.

All right.

Dude, you win.

There's no way I would
ever agree to take him with me.

Guy has a freaking coffin.

I'm almost sure
that is mostly for show.

How do you know that?

Hmm, because
he told me with his words, Pete.

You got to cut out
this jealousy bullshit.

I'm not jealous.

But you're still
my girlfriend, right,

or did I miss that memo?

-Girlfriend. Right.
-[Pete] Yeah, girlfriend.

Hmm, more like pit stop
when you drift into town

-every six weeks.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.

-Come on.
-[Stephanie] No. You come on.

Honey, you're always
on the road,

which I understand,
but you barely even text me

in between spells of inebriation

and hangover,

which is a very small window,
by the way.

Okay. First of all,
like my thumbs get tired, okay?

Second of all,
I lose battery power.

And third of all,
that's just not true.

It's abso-fucking-lutely true.

Oh, and irrelevant.

Ethan is my friend.
Period.

He's a good guy and I want you
to get to know him.

He's your friend?

Why?

He's like 12.

Ew!

Epstein much?

[Stephanie] Okay.
Well, that 12-year-old

is wise beyond his years

and you could learn
a thing or two.

Like what,
how to hang upside down?

Stop being a titty-baby
and look in the mirror.

-No.
Yes.

-I don't wanna.
-[Stephanie] Look in the mirror.

-[Pete] You can't make me.
-Look in the mirror, Pete.

All right. I'll look.
I'll look.

Jesus Christ.

Ethan is you
when you first started,

when you were hungry
and thirsty,

and willing to sacrifice
anything for a laugh.

Do you even remember that, Pete?

Yeah.

Because that "anything"
became me.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what happened
all these years,

you know, just chasing a laugh.

But I never ever lost--

Lost sight of me. Yeah.

How'd you know
I was gonna say that?

[Stephanie] Because I know
you better

than you know yourself.

But, of course, you seem
to have forgotten that.

No. I just--look.

But just...

you haven't been the same
since Charlie.

But I promised you,
I would always be there

for you and here I am.

But it's pretty clear that...

the old Pete isn't coming back.

But that's okay.

Maybe this is a chance
at a new beginning.

You need this, Pete.

We both do.

Or maybe you just need someone
to keep tabs on me?

Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me right now?

-[Pete] What?
-You don't think I'm aware

of the D-grade slags
that cling onto you

in between truck stop towns
and dingy-ass dive bars.

Hold on. D?

D, like double D.

Okay. What?
I can't help who talks to me.

-What do you want from me?
-I don't know.

But maybe I'll find the answer
in your phone.

Maybe if I peruse
through your text,

I'm gonna find a bunch
of late-night conspicuous

belfies from your harlot
fan club.

What's a belfie?

It's a butt selfie. Come on.

Get on it, grandpa.

I don't know. I'm--

That's besides the point, okay?

My loyalty only goes so far.

You know what?
Fine. Whatever.

I'll take him, okay?

I don't have time for this.

Good.

You know what?
It's right there.

-Knock yourself out.
-I will.

-I have to pack.
-Okay.

-Have fun.
-I will.

-Go for it.
-Great.

-Yeah.
-Fun times.

-Enjoy yourself.
-Uh-hmm.

-Good convo.
-Yeah. Thanks.

[cell phone vibrates]

You got so lucky.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Roy.

Sounding extra
manly today, dude.

What's up?

No. I don't wanna play
a strip club.

That's disgusting.

Do you have any more man gigs?

Do you have any bachelor-er
parties, but all dudes?

[Stephanie] We get it.

What?
Perhaps an old folk's home?

-[Stephanie] Die!
-That'd be fantastic.

[singer] ♪ Here we go
At the top♪

♪ Of the class honor roll♪

♪ And it's time to run it up♪

♪ Yeah, you know♪

♪ Maxed out, put the pedal
To the floor, ey♪

♪ On a roll, here we go,
Here we go♪

♪ Yeah, we winning
By a landslide♪

♪ Never see me coming,
I'm a landmine, yeah♪

♪ I ain't taking orders
In command, like, yeah♪

-[Pete] You fart?
-[Ethan] Vampires don't fart.

[Pete] Then you're a werewolf
because I smell a fart.

Welcome to East Bumfuck,
Nevada, kid.

ZIP code EIEIO.

Where incest is a gym credit.

-That's funny.
-I know.

-Are you going to use that?
-No.

[Ethan] There are holes
in the walls.

[Pete] Bullet or glory?

[Ethan] I'm afraid to ask.

I often sympathize with,
uh, female reproductive system

as I myself am late
for everything.

I mean, I once joined
a Doomsday Cult.

By the time I got there,
everybody was dead.

And worse, out of Kool-Aid.

They should've saved
some Kool-Aid for that one, huh?

[laughter]

What's that?

-Nothing.
-No. You said something,
cowboy.

I said they should've saved
some Kool-Aid for you

'cause you are out of jokes...

-[crowd] Ooh.
-...cowgirl.

This coming from the mayor
of Nevada Incest

Bumfuck EIEEO Cornhole?

-Next!
-[man] Whoa.

I knew I'd catch something
in here.

[Pete] Guys, I gotta tell you.

This is like
the Radio City Music Hall

of strip club gigs.
I gotta tell you.

Uh, we have open mike
night here, uh, Wednesday.

Ladies, is it open leg night?

You know, some of these jokes
work better with teeth.

You guys remember teeth?

[laughs]

Let's give one more round
of applause for the, uh,

train wreck that is Ethan Barr.

No. His job as opener
is to make me look better.

And he knocked it out
of the park.

He--right. He was--

he killed that shit.

Next week, you guys can see me
at a truck stop in Laughlin.

I'll be playing
a parking structure in Reno.

I'm Pete Brennan.
Goodnight!

[crowd cheering]

[man] Whoo!

[singer] ♪ [indistinct]♪

♪ Show that money click♪

♪ Since she got it,
Make that money click♪

♪ [indistinct]♪

♪ All I got is money
On my mind♪

♪ Dedicate this [indistinct]♪

Sorry about heckling
y'all earlier.

Thought maybe it should help.

Guess what, it never helps.

Well, let me buy you a drink.

Guess what, that always helps.

All right

[speaking foreign language]
Please. Everybody.

What did he say?

Uh, I'm gonna be right back.

Never say, "I'll be right back."

I'm just going to splash
some water on my face.

Uh, ladies' room is that way.

We don't have one of
those non-gender ones,

you'll just have to make do.

Your young fella there
seems a bit touched.

Where did you find him?

He was a keynote speaker
at a flat-earth convention.

-[laughs]
-Oh!

You had us going there.

Ah? Ah?

Ain't that right?

[laughs]

Yeah, I'm gonna go check
on the young buck.

You said the ladies' room
was that way?

That, see,
he's the funny one for sure.

-I try. I try.
-Don't get lost.

Is that on your tab, Billy Ray?

[Billy Ray] Hell no.
Separate bills.

But they pay for both.

What the fuck are you doing?

[Ethan] It's just blood, Pete.

Can you quit
the fucking vampire routine.

It's not a routine.
It's a necessity.

Don't worry.
I don't need any of yours.

Okay. I may be
a little bit buzzed, okay?

But I'm not a dickhead.
Look, look, look.

If you're a vampire,
how come you have a reflection?

Because that's a myth.

Like garlic
or a stake through the heart,

that would kill anybody.

Well, how have I been outside
with you

in the sun like three times?

I just can't be in direct
sunlight for very long.

Pete, I have a very rare
condition called Porphyria.

It affects my hemoglobin
if I don't inject.

-Okay. I'm done. Stop. Stop.
-Pete, listen to me.

No. You listen to me, okay?

I know I'm not one to give
life advice, all right?

I drink too much.
I eat like shit.

I haven't worn a condom
since 1992.

But heroin--

I told you, it's blood.

I know people that I loved

who died on that shit, man.

Brilliant comedians.
And it crushed me.

You think I wanna deal and watch
your open mike ass croak?

And you think for goddamn sure

I don't wanna call your parents
that you OD'd on my watch?

You won't have to report
to anyone.

I never knew my father.

And as you've been told,
my mother was behead in 1621.

Oh, my God.
Your generation is so weird.

Look, I give you credit, okay?

You didn't demand a separate
bathroom 'cause you "identify"

as a vampire, but come--

give me a fuckin' break, bro.

What the fuck?

Don't worry.

I would never bite you, Pete.

I got to quit drinking.

That's not a bad idea.

Whoa.

I'm not interrupting some kind

of Brokeback Mountainmoment,
am I?

[laughing]

You mind while I unwind?

It's that big.

I got to lay off pills.

I might eat him.

[Billy Ray] What?

Morning, morning, morning.

Hello, hello, hello.
I'm Carrie.

I'm the producer of
Minky & Connie in the Morning.

I'm guessing
by those droopy eyes

you must be
our whacky comedians?

Busted.

You totally forgot
the Visine, bro.

[chuckles] See? I can already
tell you're funny.

Now, if I can just have you fill
out these forms, please.

What's this?

Just a little background info
with lead-ins for your skits.

You don't have
to write the whole joke out,

just an idea
of what you're gonna say.

Think of it like doing panel
for a late night talk show.

-Carrie, is it?
-Uh-hmm.

-You're new here?
-Uh-uh.

We find it's better
just to be spontaneous.

Pete, is it?

We find that,
because you're on a D-List tour,

you D-List comedians
consider this a D-List station.

Guess what, it's not.

We stream nationally
online and satellite radio.

I'm well-aware that organic
comedy generally works better.

However, most comics
come in here hung over

whining about why they have
to do radio at 6:00 a.m.

when the show they're plugging
isn't until 9:00 p.m.

And it's true, most people
listening this morning

probably won't go tonight.

But we have
such a loyal fan base,

they might just follow you
on social media.

Get your ten followers up.

Or perhaps they just enjoy
watching clips of old cisgender

white male wash-up comedians,

vagina-shaming hotel clerks.
Okay?

Who are you?

It was a joke.

Hmm, I saw.
So funny, I forgot to laugh.

Anyhoo, I can tell you that

last week's guests
were hilarious.

So, I highly suggest
you bring your "A-game" today.

Understood?

Okay. Good talks.

I'll give you a minute
to fill out your form,

and then I'll come back to bring
you guys into the studio.

Okay? Okay.

Done?

Why, thank you.

[chuckles]

What's a blue waffle?

All right. They'll be ready
for you after the break.

If you guys will just follow me.

Thank you.

Hmm. No. Uh-uh. Nope.

Ugh.

[Ethan] Seriously,
what makes it blue?

Okay. When that light goes off,
we're good to go.

Ready? In three, two, one.

-Good timing.
-Oh, thank you.

Not bad for a newbie, huh?

Your father owns the station,
doesn't he?

How's your hairline?

[man]
Remember when getting away...

[Minky] Hey, guys.
Take a seat. Give me a sec.

[man] ...the family
and hitting the road?

So, we're back in 30.
We're gonna do a quick wrap

then we'll bring you guys on,

take a few phone calls,
give away a few tickets.

You guys will be back
in bed before sunrise.

Oh, all right.
Oh, that shit was good.

Those are your cans right there.

Put them on and make sure
you get really close to the mic

like it's a big old
"you know what".

[man] [indistinct]

-[man] Hey, folks.
-[Minky] Hey, folks.

Welcome back to
Minky & Connie in the Morning

where we put
the Big O back in KBLO.

[Connie] All right. Who knows
that better than you, Minky?

[Minky] Hey-oh.

It's 6:06 this dreary
Tuesday morning.

But here to bring some sunshine,

we're talking to the comics

who are gonna be performing
tonight at the Rusty Nail.

[Connie] Pete Brennan
and Ethan Barr.

-Hey-oh.
-Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.

How are you boys
doing this morning?

Uh, peachy.

Just--yeah, we're not
as caffeinated as you guys.

You did cocaine.

[tape screeches]

That's hysterical!

[laughing] They got jokes.

-That is so funny.
-You said it, Connie.

Now, Pete,
it says here you're originally

from Pittsburg and have appeared
on The Tonight Show?

That's right. Yeah. I...

I loved that show
when Johnny Carson was the host.

He was the best,
then Dave Letterman.

I miss Dave. Uh,

have you seen
his new interview shows?

[Minky] I have it cued up
and I haven't had a chance

to watch it yet.
I'm still finishing up Ozark.

Shut up.
I just binged that last week.

Don't spoil it, Connie.

Well, I--hmm.

So Pete, what's your skit like?

Well, I do mix of character.
I do political...

It says--wait, wait.
It says here

you have a really good joke
about you losing your luggage

on the way here?
What the hell is that about?

-Man, I hate when that happens!
-Doesn't everyone?

Especially Pete because,
y'all, he drove.

Oh. Pete,
I gotta hear that joke.

Do the joke.

Do it. Do the joke.

Um, you just did.

She told you the punchline.

Right.

Ethan.

I am loving this whole

"emo" thing you have going on.
Hmm.

Baby, I could just eat
that ass up.

-Well, I am a vampire.
-I know, right?

Especially with these late
hours, it sure feels that way.

I know. We should
just wrap this up

before the sun comes up, right?

Actually, that's a myth.

We can be on the sun just like--

Favorite vampire movie, I say

Dracula: Dead & Loving It.

Ooh. All my nieces got me sucked

into the whole Twilight craze.

"Sucked" being
the operative word

as those films
certainly did suck.

He's a comedian now.

Look at that, Minky.

See? It's not so hard.

You can do it.
Good job.

So Ethan, back to us.

So, since you're part
of that whole undead family,

which you're so freakin' sexy,

what is your favorite
vampire movie, hmm?

Well, you see, the problem is,

they aren't usually
historically accurate.

-But I suppose Bladeis--
-Come on.

Interview with the Vampire,
they nailed it.

-Yeah.
-They didn't.

Uh, Tom Cruise
and Brad Pitt? Dream team!

And that little girl,
what was her name?

I don't know. She like

screwed Spiderman or something,
like, dirt, dust.

-Kirsten Durst.
-Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey.

You--look, you cheated, Minky.

It's Kirsten Dunst.

I was looking up something else.

Oh, now you're gonna lie?

You're gonna lie to the people.

Okay. If you think Minky lied,

I want you to tell us
on Twitter right now.

All right. Thank you so much,
Pete and Ethan.

I appreciate
y'all for being here.

Or as they should
call themselves,

the comedy duo
of A-bat and Costello.

[laughing] Good one, yeah.

Coming up after the break,

we're gonna open up
the phone lines

and we're gonna be talking
to the sexy girls

from the Rabbit Ranch
who are gonna be showing up

to test out some new
"adult products".

Ooh, my kind of talk show.

All right.
You don't wanna miss that.

And if anyone wants some
free tickets to tonight's show,

I want you to hashtag
Ethan is a Vampire.

Also, #MinkyLies.

[Minky] We'll be back in five.

Oh.

That was great, guys. You're
the best segment we've ever had.

I really appreciate
you guys being here.

[Minky] You guys did
really well. Thank you so much

for stopping by.
That was wonderful work.

Yeah. I'm just so fucking
high right now.

Can someone punch me
in the face?

Just punch me square
in the face.

No, Pete. Why?

You wanna do a shot?

I gotta go to my chiropractor
this afternoon.

[Connie] You're such a square.

Fuck it. [sniffles]

All right. Come on in.
We're so excited to have you.

Just go with it
and be spontaneous.

We found it works
so much better that way, okay?

Okay.

[singer]
♪ When I'm entering the convo♪

[Minky] Hey, hey, hey.
Good morning.

How are you guys?

You sit over there [indistinct]

Does that girl
have a bag of dicks?

Uh-hmm.

That's my career.

My career has been following
a bag of dicks.

That's just where I'm at.

Wow.

That, um...

Ethan's a Vampire hashtag
has over a thousand retweets.

Huh.

You're trending in Area 51.

Embrace it.

How so?

I don't know.

I haven't quite
figured you out yet,

but you seem to be all-in
with this whole vampire thing.

So, I think
you should just run with it.

I am a vampire, Pete.

See? Now I believe
you believe that, which is good.

It takes comics years
to find their voice.

You did it in a few months.

[sighs]

I'm sorry.
I--I--I don't follow.

Look.

I know my place
in this business, okay?

I'm a cisgender

white male piece of shit, okay?

There's millions
of "mes" out there, okay?

It's a different ballgame today.

It's not just
about being funny anymore.

It's about how many
social media followers you have,

what box do you check

or about a gimmick.

You know, like that
thumb trick thing you do.

Oh, yes.

My Grandma Liz
taught me many, um,

"tricks" when I was younger.

So good. I would exploit
the shit out of that if I could.

Instead I was too busy
trying to be a comic's comic.

What's a "comic's comic?"

It's when all the comedians
stop talking in the back

of the room and they stop

to watch your set
and they study you.

It's the ultimate
form of flattery.

And how do you get that?

Truth, fearlessness, and time.

Time is overrated.

Sure, when you don't
appreciate it.

I did the same thing
when I was your age.

But time is precious.

You can never get it back.

I know.

I literally have all the time
in the world.

I spent 200 years
learning the harpsichord.

By the time I perfected it,

baroque music was obsolete.

Ha! Ha! See?
Now that's funny, dude.

Come on.

Why don't you do that
on stage tonight?

Look, when you go
up there tonight,

I want you to be you.

And if you suck, at least,
you'll be sucking as yourself.

Can you try--ah!

-Watch your feet!
-Son of a cock!

Hey, hand me that mop bucket
over there.

Some fuckwad puked
all over the damn place.

Thanks.

Got it.

Oh, God.

[scoffs]

Living the dream, dude.

This what you want, Ethan?

Absolutely.

And she's why
they call it beheading.

[laughter]

[bartender] Hey.

Hey.

Hey, you know this place
is haunted, right?

No, I'll just have a beer.

And it was actually
the entire fist.

[crowd] Boo!

Is it always this rowdy here?

Oh, God, no.
Not mostly.

But see, most of these folks,

they heard y'all on the radio
this morning.

So, uh, well,

they cannot see the undead.

No, I'm alive, okay?

I don't know
what the hell he is.

Hmm, may I take your pulse
to confirm that?

[crowd] Vampire! Vampire!

Vampire! Vampire!

Vampire! Vampire!

[Heckler 1] Vampire!

I'm sorry, what's that you say?

-[crowd] Vampire!
-Ah, yes,

vampires,

the immortal creatures
of both mystery and myth.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, bite me!

You aren't worthy of my powers.

Then suck my dick!

My friend,

there isn't enough blood
in that tiny thing

to keep me alive for an hour.

Say that to his face, ya pussy!

Technically,
I just did, but okay...

Jesus, fuck!

[bartender] Hell did he go?

-Shh!
-What the fuck?

[man groaning]

[woman screaming]

Is that mirrors?
Is that mirrors?

-You got mirrors in there?
-No!

That a special effect?

-[crowd] Whoa.
-[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have been delicious.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, if he broke that,
he's fucking paying for it.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God.

I don't even know
where to begin.

Do you believe me now?

How can I not?

I mean, the coffin is eccentric

but explainable. Okay?

The, the glowing eyes, contacts,

the teeth, fake,
the shooting blood,

it's an odd lifestyle choice
but hey, it's Vegas.

But dude, you turned
into a bat, man.

A fucking bat!

Pete, I never tried
to hide this from you.

I know but
I thought you were, like,

method acting or trying
to find your own identity.

Never in a million years
that I'd think

this stuff is actually real.

I'm sorry.

Perhaps I should've made
this clear before we left.

Wait, so do you--do you just
go around biting people?

No, God, how barbaric.

I had to give that up
in the '80s.

I almost bit Freddy Mercury.

-Dude, that's a close call.
-I know.

But I do still need
to feast off of fresh blood.

But now I just get it
from a friend of mine

who works at the hospital.

Okay.
Wait, start from the beginning.

Okay. I need to know
everything, details.

Gladly.

Well, for starters,

my grandmother was the infamous
Elizabeth Bathory,

a Countess who believed

she could retain her youth
by drinking

and bathing in the blood
of young girls.

You see, at the time, the life
expectancy...

All clear. Everyone's gone

except for a, uh, couple
of chicks who wanna meet you.

Are they hot?

Ridiculously hot,

but not you.

Vamp.

I don't even care
about chicks right now, dude.

He just turned to a bat.
Did you see that shit?

Yeah, it's fine.
It's no Jeff Dunham.

And I got bats in the attic.

Have you seen Jeff Dunham?

His act is phenomenal.

Dude, I love Dunham.

But he didn't turn to a bat.

Dunham doesn't have a bat.

May I present to you

the exquisite Ms. Scarlett Drake

and Madame Darah.

If you'll excuse me,
I have to go mop up some puke.

Hi.

-Hey.
-Hi.

You were semi-funny.

You don't need to curse so much.

Appreciate the tip.

Pleasure to make
your acquaintances.

Ethan, you look
exactly the same.

I'm sorry, have we met?

-So--
-No.

Okay.

I'll just let you kids
get reacquainted

and I'm going to light
myself on fire.

I'll bring the matches.

Does this ring a bell?

[moaning]

Prague.

Chantel.

You were the model

for the Goddess Victoria statue.

Oh, my goodness.

How could I ever forget that?

I don't know.

I am enthralled
to see you again.

And I am loving your new name.

What are you doing here?

You see this shit?

I'm the headliner.

What's he got that I don't got?

Two women, apparently.

You trying to make it three?

Maybe.

Okay.

I podcast,
I'm a social media influencer,

I dabble in fashion.

Hot. [chuckles]

[laughs]

What's that smell?

Oh, perfect timing!

You know what?
We should take a group photo.

-Yes.
-Do you mind?

Sure.

Ladies.

Okay.

Closer, closer, work it.

You got to hit them angle.

Okay. Ready? And...

see you at the hotel, Ethan.

And, uh, I'll try to cut out

the fucking swear words
out of my fucking act.

He turned into a bat,

an actual bat.

I'm losing my freaking mind.

Between the early 1600s
mommy issues

and that coffin thing,
I mean, I've had my suspicions.

What?

And you never said anything?

Do you have any idea
how crazy that sounds?

I know, but at least you could
have told me something.

Now, this whole
thing's gonna blow up.

It's gonna be a shit show

and I don't know where I'm at.

Whoa, I wasn't aware
I was your vampire riddler.

-Okay.
-Vampire.

[Stephanie]
Honey, what are you looking at?

What? Oh, vampire research.

-Okay. And what do...
-Wow.

...you hope to accomplish?

I'm getting deep into vampire

lingerie--
lore, lore, linge-lore.

Linge-lore. What?

Okay. Well, that's my time.

-You've been a great--
-No, no, no, don't hang up.

Come on, honey, no.

[Stephanie] No, no, no,
you seem a little distracted

and I need to get
this shit off my face

-because it's starting to burn.
-No, I love you

-with shit on your face.
-Bye.

I love your shitty face.

Don't hang up.

Operation Fake Out complete.

Oh, my God.

Wait.

-Hmm?
-If we cross this threshold,

there's no going back.

Okay.

[Scarlett]
Hey, gang, it's Scarlett,

your favorite sexy podcaster.

Let's get back to Fia.

Lastly, Fia, before we go,

what are the pitfalls
of your gift as a medium?

Yeah. That's a good choice,
a good one.

As a medium, I have to always
deliver the messages.

Sometimes it's very tough
for people

to hear those messages
from their loved one.

[Scarlett]
Thank you, Fia, so much--

Wait. Do you hear me?

I have always heard you.

No.

You can reach me
on avid@voice.com.

[Scarlett]
This is Scarlett Drake.

He is really trolling you.

What a surprise.

Let's have some fun with him.

Yes.

[singer] ♪ Got a big plan,
This mindset maybe it's right♪

♪ At the right place
And right time♪

♪ Maybe tonight
And the whisper♪

♪ Or handshake sending a sign♪

♪ Wanna make out and kiss hard♪

♪ Wait never mind,
Late night, and passing...♪

Oh, Pete, you're missing out!

-Fuck.
-[singer] ♪ When she walked in♪

♪ He froze up,
Believe it's the fright♪

♪ It's cute in a way,
Till you cannot speak♪

-Oh, fuck!
-♪ Your knees get weak♪

♪ An escape is just a nod
And a casual wave♪

♪ Obsessed about it,
Heavy for...♪

-Oh, God!
-Vampire. Vampire. Vampire.

Are they saying
"Let's go play" in there?

Oh, God, yes!

Oh, yeah, harder! Oh!

Fuck!

[singer]
♪ I want to hold you close...♪

I'm the headliner!

[singer] ♪ Lie still,
And close your eyes girl♪

♪ So lovely, it feels so right♪

-♪ I wanna hold you close...♪
-You owe me, Ethan!

[Darah gasp, moans]

[Scarlett] Come on.

For old times' sake.

Bite me, Ethan, please.

I want you to.

[upbeat music playing]

[Darah moans]

[upbeat music continues]

[knocks on door]

[Ethan] Can I come in?

No!

Good morning, sir.

Jesus.

You got to stop doing that shit.

I'm sorry. I thought
since now that you knew

I could... be myself.

Good job last night.

You're viral.

Thank you, Pete.

God, it felt good.

I just did what you said.

And I was really myself
up there.

Where are your
little girlfriends at now?

They've left.

Sad. Seems like they have
a really good way with words

and they got great personalities

and probably amazing
business acumen.

[Ethan] Yes. Well,

let's just say I remember
why I'd forgotten.

Then why did you just
have a fucking fuck fest

all night, dude?

[chuckles softly]

Probably for the same
reasons we go to open mics,

to try new things.

How about you bite me?

Would you ever consider that?

I wanna try new things.

I would never bite you, Pete.

Scared of competition?

[Ethan chuckles]

Competition?

Pete, I'm already up 2-0.

[upbeat music playing]

They say, what do men do know

[indistinct] sweatpants
for guys,

they put writing
on the front, you know?

It just said, "dinner,"

[laughter]

"the other white meat."

[laughter]

[Carrot Top] I got to go.

Oh, oh. Dude, you're amazing.

-Me?
-Yeah.

Mr. Top, I'm such a fan.

Thanks. Carrot.

Just Scott,
actually that was weird.

Scott,
the pleasure was all mine.

If you need a headliner, dude,

I'm right here six nights a week
at the Luxor,

great gig, every night,
boom, in and out,

sleep in your own bed,
somebody else's bed,

but you're here in town,
it's great, seriously.

Then mull it over,
think about it.

It's tempting. Do you have
a card that I can maybe--

A card? No, I don't think
comics carry cards.

Do you have a card?
That'd be weird.

Uh, DM,
is that what they call it?

-Direct messaging.
-Yeah.

I'll give you mine,
you give me yours,

and you'll direct me back.

I'll follow you back.

Okay. We'll see.

Uh, I know
there's people ask you,

could you show me
that--the fire thumb?

Please, I won't share it
with anybody, I promise.

I--I don't have any friends
to share it with.

So, just--what the fuck?

It's really about timing.

I once jerked off lefty

and nearly burned
the entire thing off.

It's kinda hot.

Do you wanna touch it?
The thumb.

That was my--do, do, do.
Uh-hmm, uh-hmm.

-There we go.
-Jesus.

How the--how the fuck did...

Well, as we know,
magic isn't real.

-Can I ask you something?
-Yeah.

Does the Carrot
match the drapes?

-I have no drapes.
-Ah.

Oh, yeah, too much information,
probably.

-Stained glass windows. Okay.
-Yeah.

You shared with me,
I share with you.

-Well, you look fantastic.
-Thank you. Thank you.

It's the lighting.
Hey, I'm gonna--I'm gonna go,

but, uh, thanks for chatting

and thanks for showing me
the, uh, thing.

-Sure.
-You're--dude, you're awesome.

-Thanks.
-You're awesome. DM me, fucker.

-I got you.
-Don't not fucking DM me.

I'm not going to DM.

[upbeat music playing]

[laughter]

[Ethan] If any of you ladies
would like to buy me

a drink after the show,

I'll have a Bloody Mary.
Hold the Mary.

[applause]

Thank you.
You all have been incredible.

Now, if you would,

please keep that round
of applause going

for the man who taught me
everything I know about comedy.

Mr. Pete Brennan.

[applause]

Thank you. Woo.

Thank you for that warm
round of indifference.

[laughs]

How about one more time
for Ethan Barr, huh?

The love child
of Bella and Nosferatu.

-Nosferatu.
-Nosferatu.

You've been around that long?
You know? Okay.

You know what they say,
we needs more dildos. Wow.

No wonder why they're trying
to ban straws. Jesus Christ.

These fish are gonna end up
with porn stars.

My God. I don't know
if you guys know this,

because they say it's good luck
for one of the bridesmaids

to sleep with the comedian
right after

the bachelorette party.
I'm just saying.

[Dozer] Any of them putas
will do you.

What--what was that, sir?

They're all a bunch
of dirty sluts.

-Look at 'em.
-[man] All right, Dozer.

It's time to go. Come on.

Sir, aren't you late
for your job

at the truck stop glory hole?

[Sarah] He's just pissed
'cause he got himself

-a little 'ol dick.
-Ooh.

Wait. Oh, ladies. Wait.

What don't you guys share that
with the crowd, what?

Well, there's not that much
to share.

Hold on. So you're saying

that his pee-pee...

[speaking foreign language]

All right, Dozer.
It's time to go. Come on.

[speaking foreign language]

Did you see what that puta
just said to me?

That shit ain't true.

Well, maybe so,
but you got to go.

It's every week.

It's the same damn thing
with you, man.

[speaking foreign language]

Sir, I don't know
why you're upset.

Don't get all hung
up over this.

Oops. I said hung,

but I guess we all know
that's not the case.

You're fucking dead,
funny man.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm dead,
but you're gone. So...

♪ Na, na, na, na...♪

[all] ♪ Na, na, na, na♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey♪

-♪ Little wee♪
-♪ Good bye♪

[Dozer]
I'm gonna count to three.

Three, two...

Please don't do this.

-[gunshot]
-Whoa.

[groans]

That was a warning.

[Ethan] You missed.

[gunfire]

Ha!

[suspenseful music playing]

You guys better get out of here
and get out of here fast!

He's dead.
What about the cops?

Cops? Ain't gonna be
no cops, man.

This guy had it comin'.
Besides, who's gonna miss him?

It was self-defense, Dale.
You saw it.

I saw the whole doggone thing.

You guys wouldn't even hear it,
you're ghosts man.

Let me get a few of the guys
to come down here

and clean this mess up now.

You won't have to.

Are you bringing him back?

As if.

Do you have a leaf-blower?

I'll take that as a no.

We should go.

[dramatic music playing]

[singer vocalizing]

[dramatic music playing]

Bro, you...

you killed a guy.

I know.

And I'm sorry.

And drank his blood.

Again, I'm sorry
you had to see that.

Then you asked
for a leaf-blower?

What the hell? It's crazy.

Not--not--not because
he's Mexican.

The ash.

That's funny.

That's--that's--yeah, okay.

That's--that's good.
You can use that.

It's good instinct.

I learned from the best.

Thanks.

Wait a minute, can--

I got--I got
to ask you something.

-Of course. Anything.
-Okay.

I thought the rule was
if you got bit by a vampire,

then you turn into a vampire?

Not necessarily.

It's--it's quite complicated,
really.

But... I suppose
the short version

is that you could choose.

You can either turn someone
or you can let them die.

Let them die?

You disintegrated that guy.

Yeah.

He was an asshole.

Okay. Hypothetically speaking,
if you bit me,

could you choose
to make me immortal?

Hypothetically, yes.

But as I've told you,
I would never do that.

Well, hold on, dude,
we're not done.

-I told you.
-Why? We got to talk.

I did--hold on.

What if I wanted you to?

You don't. Trust me.

Why not?

What do I have to lose?

My career's nowhere. I'm broke.

I'm on the wrong side of 40.

What do I have left,

20 or 30 years tops?

I want more time.

Immortality is not that simple.

I mean, do you have any idea
what it's like

to be emotionally dead inside?

Have you met me?
I'm a comedian.

No. You see that right there,
shows you don't.

I mean, you are cloaked
in apathy and bitterness.

Thank you?

It's not a compliment.

You might not like
the way you feel,

but the fact is,
you do still feel.

And if you truly hated
your life so much,

why on earth would you want it
to continue?

'Cause I'm a nobody.

I'm just an old road bum.

Just played dive bars
and bowling alleys

my whole life.

Never got the shot.

But with this,

I can have more time.

Ethan, please.

I'm asking you as a friend.

Please bite me.

With all due respect, no.

Why?

Because nothing changes, Pete.

I'm still the same
naive boy I was in 1613.

Yes, I've--I've adapted
to my surroundings,

sure, because I've had to.

But I haven't changed.

Nobody does.

What makes you think
you'd be any different?

I don't know.
But why not try?

Because there's no going back.

You will taste death.

Or--or appreciate its worth.

You'll only lose yourself
in an infinite loop

while you watch
everyone around you die.

Is that what you want?

Is it?

Maybe that's already happened.

Oh, has it?

Mr. Comic's Comic?

You're the one
playing lonely road dog,

pretending you're above
loving anyone else

above yourself,

or God worse than loving you.

It's not fair
to the very few people

who do give a shit,

especially Stephanie.

This has nothing to do
with Steph, okay?

You know, you really are
an ungrateful prick.

She sticks by you,
no questions asked,

and you're willing
to let that fade away

like everyone else
simply because what?

You feel the time that
you do have left isn't enough?

Now, who's playing the victim?

She knows
what she signed up for.

She knows that
there's only one person

that I ever loved
unconditionally.

Who I watched die.

[dramatic music playing]

He didn't have
the luxury of time.

He died
without ever understanding

the benefits of it

or the value of it.

You know why?

Because eight year olds
usually don't.

You--you had a child?

Yeah.

I had a son.

[Ethan sighs]

The universe took care
of that real quick.

So, don't lecture me
on the value of time, okay?

Because you have no fucking clue

what you're talking about, kid.

Pete, I'm sorry.
I didn't know.

Now, you do.

[dramatic music playing]

I'm still not going to bite you.

I don't want you
to bite me anymore.

Pussy.

You forgot your shit.

[Chuck] Hey, Pete.
It's your favorite manager.

You got to give me a call
when you got a chance.

I got bad news on the
Russell Peters club.

[upbeat music playing]

[singer] ♪ Ooh, let's go!♪

Chuck, you fucking slimy snake,

10% piece of fucking horseshit.

Hey, ass-nugget.

They wanted your protege,
not you.

What does it even matter, dude?

It's a fucking warm-up spot.

A baby could do it.

Russell's never
gonna go for this.

Charlie, it's out of my control.

Look, you still get
to open the show,

but instead of Russell,
you bring up Ethan,

and Ethan brings up Russell.

That's messed up, man.

See? He even gets it.

And he's not even finished
Rosetta Stone yet.

Fuck you, Chuck!

You know he killed a guy
the other night?

Oh, nice.
Did you film that too?

With his teeth. Fang.

Listen, ass-munch.

I don't know what the fuck
is going on with you.

This is bullshit, Chuck.
It's not right.

What did I tell you

when we first started
this business?

Okay, nothing is fair.

And you can't take
anything personally.

Heck. Are we good?

No. We're far from good.

Heegan, finish him!

[Ethan] Wow.

Pete, this place is incredible.

[Pete] Thanks.

It was once featured on

Lifestyles of the Broke
and Anonymous,

where caviar dreams don't exist.

Hmm, you jest,
but I find it quite chic.

How are you feeling?

Honestly,
I haven't been this nervous

since the Anti-Habsburg
Uprising.

I wouldn't open with that.

No, of course not.

Look, you're nervous.

It's totally normal
to be nervous.

It's--anybody would be.

No, of course.

How are you?

Fuck, no.
I'm dead inside, remember?

But for you, it's more normal.

Wait, what?

I remember not long ago
when you were vampsplaining

how immortality
is a hollowed existence.

But here you are filled
to the brim with emotion.

It's quite a paradox,

isn't it, Clarice?

What's the matter?

Bat have your tongue?

[car horn honks]

Our ride is here.

That makes me so happy.

You?

I don't sound like that.

I know.

That was Anthony Hopkins

but you kind of are
in the same neighborhood.

Let's go make a memory, cuh.

[singer] ♪ You know,
I'm built for it♪

♪ You ain't gotta ask twice♪

♪ You ain't about
That fast life♪

♪ Huh, hundred on the dash
With the cash like♪

♪ You ain't about
That fast life...♪

Holy shit. Ethan,

you're big time!

Oh, yeah. He's huge.

That's why he's riding "bitch,"

in the backseat,
of this shitbox.

Hey, whoa.

At least, Roy doesn't have
a boot on his car

from unpaid fines.

And I will see them in court

because those signs were clearly
not marked handicapped.

All right. Kids,
kids, kids, that'll be $37.50.

I accept cash, hash, or gash.

-No one rides for free.
-Okay.

Maybe you can, uh, deduct it

from the ten years
of comp tickets

that Pete's got you.

What about you, Steph?

Uh, obviously,
the girlfriend discount.

So, you mean girlfriend's
"dicks-count."

Oh. [laughs]

If anyone's dicks count,
it would be her.

Oh, God.

Apparently, Roy's jokes even
need to be marked handicapped.

[Roy] I'm getting
heckled by Ethan.

It's not bad.

Hey.

I want you to know
how proud I am of you.

For what?

Really?

It's my ride.

Not anymore.

-Thank you, Roy.
-It's my car. My car.

Honey, you know, before a show
I'd only tell you maybe save it.

Be caressed like this?

-No, I just--
-Like this?

It's a prize fighter.

Really? Be serious for a second.

What you did
showed a lot of class.

Or stupidity?

I don't know, maybe a friendly
combination of both.

You're gonna do great tonight.

You are great.

I love you too.

Why are you so good to me?

Because you deserve it.

Sometimes, you know?

Now, get out there
and be Pete Fuckin' Brennan!

It's an order.

Somebody's gotta do it.

Yeah!

[upbeat music playing]

-[DJ Minky] Heegan.
-What's up?

You wanna learn how to DJ?

Well, please show me,
I will do, do amazing.

You teach me jujitsu,

I'll teach you
how to cut and scratch.

Well, it's a good trade.
I'm in. Let's go.

[speaking foreign language]

[upbeat music playing]

You blowing a ghost?

Holy shit bro!

You can't sneak up
on a guy mid-chew.

When did you start
eating vegetables?

I read this interview

with Peter North
who's a porn star.

He said, celery is the key

to a robust
and meaty money shot.

And at my age,
I need all the help I can get.

I have a tough enough time
clearing my own thumbs.

You also have a tough
enough time clearing my checks.

Well, one time.

Hey, are you available
for weddings?

[Russell] And bar mitzvahs.

-[Pete] What's up, buddy?
-[Chuck] How are you?

-Ethan.
-Ethan.

Nice to meet you, buddy.

For the record,
this wasn't my idea.

The suits, they got all excited
when something new

and shiny comes along

and jump on whatever
keeps the kids moist.

Well, Pete has told me
so much about you.

Truly an honor and a privilege
to meet you, sir.

[laughs]

Truly an honor and a privilege
to meet you, sir."

Where the fuck
did you find this kid?

Only Fangs.

[Russell]
Who taught you how to speak?

Fucking Mr. Belvedere?

"It is truly an honor
and privilege to meet you, sir."

I'm just fucking with you, kid.

I saw your thing for real,

that Chris Angel magic trick
you did, it was good.

Not my cup of tea
but, you know, kudos to you.

Well, thank you.

[Russell] So, here's
what's gonna happen.

Pete's gonna go and do 20.

He's going to kill it.

And you're not gonna
be able to follow him

but you're gonna go on
after him anyway.

Okay. I--I can handle that.

[Russell] This fucking kid
a rescue or something?

You teach him how to roll over,
fetch your slippers?

[Pete] He's fine.
He's just being nervous.

Remember our early shitty gigs

we did up in Toronto in '95,
was it a stupid beer fest?

It was some beer fest.
It was shitty.

[Pete] And they had
that statement.

-What was I saying?
-[Russell] Oh, it's, uh...

[both] "That's what beer
is all about."

-Yeah.
-It was stupid.

What?

Hey, uh, Ethan,

I want you to know
that all this ass kissing

and fuckin' brown nosing
is all bullshit, all right?

It's not gonna last forever.

So, don't forget
your place and time.

[speaking foreign language]

I won't.

We all know this is Pete's spot

and whether me being here
was your decision or not.

I won't let either of you down.

Why does he talk like that?

He watched a lot
of Harry Potter as a kid.

I'm probably the Harriest Potter
he's ever met.

[man] Pete,
you're on in three minutes.

Okay. Any last minute advice?

Yes!

Oh, my God.
This is very important.

Don't suck.

[laughs]

Got him.

Thank you.

[Chuck] He's nervous.

Kid's shaking like a dog
trying to shit a peach seed.

[laughs]

You an actress?

You wanna be?

How about an over the pants
hand job with no eye contact?

No?

[upbeat music playing]

[singer] ♪ We on a world tour
With Muhammad, my man♪

♪ Going each and every place♪

♪ With the mic in their hand,
New York♪

[indistinct]

like imagine
if I did that to people.

And I was like, "Oh, shit.
What's up Bed, Bath & Beyond?

[laughter]

Smoothy King, where you at?

"Chik-fil-A."

[laughter]

-[cheers and applause]
-All right.

Wow!

And I'm just your "fluffer."

Wait till the pizza man
gets here,

you know what I'm saying?

Delivering that peckeroni.

Um, all right.

Guys, you ready
for your next comic?

[crowd] Yeah!

Your next comedian
is 27 years old

but he's a legit
quad-centennial.

That's right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together

for Mr. Ethan Barr.

[rock music playing]

[applause]

Wow.

This is incredible.

Though I have to be honest,
I haven't been this nervous

since the Anti-Habsburg
Uprising of 1740.

What the fuck?

[clears throat]

You know... my mentor said

not to open with that joke.

He was right.

He usually is.

He's a true comic's comic
which is why I believe

we should bring him out
for another bow.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please help me reintroduce

your first headliner
of the evening,

Mr. Pete Brennan!

[crowd cheering]

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

-What the fuck?
-What the fuck?

What the fuck.

Come on.

[crowd cheering]

-Seriously, dude, what the fuck?
-Look, I have no fucking idea.

I'm sorry.

The guy just went rogue.
I don't know.

He's going down like
an Iraqi fighter pilot.

I knew he wasn't ready.
He's your protege.

-[Danny] Yes.
-My protege?

You're the guy who booked him.

-[Chuck] I didn't book him.
-Yes, you did.

When you were rolling
on the fucking ground

with Heegan Mitch out
on the backyard

who said, "He's gonna be
on camera, remember?"

What? Did Heegan squeeze
your fucking brain too tight?

[Ethan] Help me give a warm
welcome to Russell Peters.

Is that how you're trying
to revive your career?

Who said my career's
in the shitter?

[singer] ♪ Can I kick it?♪

Give it up for, uh,
Pete Brennan

and his beautiful daughter
Ethan Barr,

my favorite vampire.

[crowd laughing]

Never understood the name,
Ethan, and all of a sudden,

too much, like, methane to me.

Which makes sense because his
breath smells like shit.

[crowd cheering]

Oh, you got two Asian girls
with you, huh?

What happened?
Double clicked on
the check out?

[laughter]

[rapper] ♪ I mean, this is
The best times of my life♪

[upbeat music playing]

[Pete] This is it, my friend.

This is what it's all about,

the moment, after the moment

when we shared a moment.

Wow. That is--that's deep.

[laughter]

Ah, that ain't shit, homeboy.

Dude, you're going, like,

55 in a 65, bro.

Come on!

Punch it, live a little.

Pete, I know it should've
been you and not me.

Not your fault.

I'm sorry.

This is business.

Shit's uptown,
reward's mediocre.

But I'm actually
really proud of you.

I know I'm not as funny as you.

And you never will be.

Ever.

But... it doesn't matter

because you got something
I don't.

What?

You have... a presence.

Open this motherfucker up!

Fine. You want me to go?

Woo!

Woo! Woo! Gas it.

Yeah! Yeah, man.

Woo! Yeah.

Pete. Pete, get inside!

What is the matter with you?

Woo!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Pete. Get in--Pete, Pete!

[crash]

[dramatic music playing]

[panting]

[coughs]

Pete!

I'm fine.

Bite me, Ethan.

No, I won't have to.

You're going to be okay.

[Pete] How bad is it?

Um...

I've seen worse.

[breathes heavily]

Well, this is it.

This is the way it ends.

No, hey. Hey. Hey.

Save your energy, okay?

They're on their way.
You're going to be fine.

-I'm fine.
-[Ethan] Hey, come on.

The ambulance is almost here,
all right?

Just hang on.

[Pete] Here's my boy.

[Ethan] Yes. I'm your boy.

No. No, my son.

My son is here.

-Yes.
-[Pete] My son is here.

Yeah, they're almost here.

Just hang on, okay?

I don't know, Ethan.

I can't.

He just came in the light.

No, Pete.
Come on, stay, stay with me.

Stay with me, Pete.

I got to get up now.

Hey, you're gonna cry, cry.

That's my time. Goodnight.

[siren wailing in distance]

Pete. Pete. Pete.

Come on.
Come on, stay with me, Pete.

Please. Please, Pete.

[dramatic music playing]

[Sandy] Good morning.

Do you have a reservation
with us today?

-Yes, I do.
-Fantastic!

Um, and what is the last name
of the traveler?

Barr.

Ethan Barr.

Ooh!
So, you're this week's comedian?

So, are you funny?

Can you tell me a joke?

I--I just love jokes.

Okay.
Here's what I think you'll like.

What's the difference
between a vagina and a cunt?

Until you bring it back
and that's called the callback.

Now, remember
what I said earlier

about the "rules of threes"

and also, the "K" Sound.

Ooh.

Look who we have here!

Please give it up,
the great Keith Ray.

Yo, I'm the pimp with the limp,
you're the shrimp
with the limp.

Yeah, you know it, baby.

Look, what he said is correct.

Which is why
when used correctly,

the "C-word" is always fun.

Dude, is this show and tell?

-What?
-Um, okay.

So, in your humble opinion then,

like, what do you think

the best thing that
a comedian can do,

like, while they're on stage
or whatever and stuff?

-Is that a real question?
-I don't know, Pete.

But you take a shot at it.

Oh, my God.

Two words.

Don't suck.

[singer] ♪ Let's do it♪

[upbeat music playing]

[singer] ♪ Working all week♪

♪ 9:00 to 5:00 for my money♪

♪ So, when the weekend comes♪

♪ I go get live with the hunt♪

♪ Rollin' down the street♪

♪ I saw a girl
When she was pumping♪

♪ I winked my eyes
She got into the ride♪

♪ Went to a club
And we're jumping♪

♪ Introduced myself,
Hello she said you're a liar♪

♪ I said, I got it going on
Baby doll♪

♪ And I'mma flyer♪

♪ Took her to the hotel♪

♪ She said, you're the king♪

♪ And so, be my queen
If you know what I mean?♪

♪ Let's do the wild thing♪

♪ Wild thing♪