All language subtitles for The Goldbergs s04e02 I Heart Video Dating.eng

Adult Adam: Long before online dating,

single people bared
their souls on videotape,

and this is what it
actually looked like.

Hi. I'm Maurice.

I'm an executive by day
and a wild man by night.

I'm not afraid to get sand on my tuxedo

if you're not afraid to let the wind

mess your hair up a little bit
when I take the top down.

And video dating had finally
hit the suburbs of Philly.

Excuse me, ladies.

How would you like to meet
the man of your dreams?

- Ew.
- You're really old.

Ouch. [Chuckles]

But, no, I'm talking about

the romantic wave of the future...

Video dating.

It's a real business.

Using our advanced VHS technology

and a one-time fee of $399,

followed by lifetime monthly
fees of only $19.99,

anyone can now find love.

So, which of you lonely hearts
is looking for Mr. Right?

Well, I'm not, but [Clears throat]

I am not a sad-sack loser.

I choose to be alone, and it's the best.

It is the best, isn't it? [Chuckles]

Well, that's too bad
because for a limited time,

anyone that joins the VD community

gets a free tote bag for just $12.99.

I am not carrying around a bag
that says, "I heart VD."

My God.

Wait, I have the perfect
customer for you... my dad.

He's totally ready
to get back out there.

Hell, no!

Why would I ever do video dating?

I'm living the dream.

It's 2:00 in the afternoon,
and you're still in your robe.

So? A robe is just a long
jacket made of towel.

Lots of people wear these.

Not to other people's homes.

In this house, we keep it loose.

Dad, it's been four
years since Mom left.

Isn't it time you got
set up with someone?

Set up? Did somebody say "set up"?

Who am I setting up?

No, stop. We don't need your help.

Bill's gonna do video dating.

Video dating?

[Chuckles]

[Robotic voice] Beep, boop, bop, zorp.

Beep, boop, bop. I will find you love.

Sorry, but, uh, your way of matchmaking

is a thing of the past.

[Normal voice] Please.
I am literally responsible

for setting up over 200 couples,

which means I'm personally responsible

for over 62,000 babies.

Yeah, that's not real math.

Bill, would you rather put your heart

in the hands of a proven love champion

or risk everything

with someone whose romantic
record is a little spotty?

Honestly, I'd rather not do either.

Hey, my record is not spotty.

And I'm, like, the best ever at love.

Yeah, not so much.

And when you think about it,
you've only had one boyfriend,

and that was two years ago.

Right, Dante. What a character.

His name wasn't Dante.

He had that small hand.

Who are you thinking of?
And I'm alone by choice.

Ha! Please.

You only liked Geoff after
he wanted nothing to do with you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'll show you friggin' jerkuses

how friggin' great I am at friggin' love

when your dad's walking
down the friggin' aisle.

See, you don't even know that men
don't walk down the aisle!

Gah! Bill, get out of your bath clothes!

- I'm finding you love again.
- Okay.

Oh! My bad!

[Grunts] I'll get... Ohh, my back!

Don't worry, pal. I gotcha.

No, no, Bruce Lee style. Hyah!

Hyah! Hoo-hyah!

Beverly, I'm gonna need a warm towel.

Oh, it's traveling!
It's moving south! Aah!

Good luck, Schmoops.

Get the small boy. Have
the small boy stand on me.

Synced and corrected by Nest0r
www.addic7ed.com

It was September 28, 1980-something,

the day of the career aptitude test.

Done! Now all I got to do is sit back

and let this test
decide my entire future.

Got any predictions?
It'll either make me an NFL punter,

motorcycle detective, or land pirate.

Bookkeeper?! I don't
want to be a librarian!

Bookkeeper's not a librarian, you moron.

It's more like an accountant.

Why didn't I get an awesome
job like boat owner

or rap mogul or neighborhood oracle?

- What the hell's an oracle?
- A guy who sees the future.

I can see your future.

You're mowing lawns for the city.

Never! I will be a rich
neighborhood oracle,

and nothing you say can stop me.

[Toy squeaks] Ow!

Couldn't predict that, could you?

As Barry was having trouble
seeing the future,

Erica was trying to find
Bill his future wife.

Trust me, Mr. Lewis,
your romantic future starts now.

And to my doubters, you
can go on down to Sears

and buy a vacuum so you can suck it.

Yes, Bill, there's no
better place to find love

than next to Lady Foot Locker.

Put her there, Bill. John
Calabasas, love doctor.

No medical degree.

I'm legally required to say that now.

Bill, I want to show you something.

This is a videotape
of one of our biggest success stories,

and this could be you.

Why, hello, there. The name's Big Al.

And like a fine wine,

I just keep getting better with age.

My God. That's why
he's been out every night this month.

So [Clicks tongue] let's have some fun.

Boom! And that's how love is made.

I don't know, Erica. Maybe
your mom's right about all this.

Your friend makes a good point
about me being right, Erica.

Yeah, normally, I just
go with the flow,

but I'm starting to take
sides here, too.

Everyone stop talking.
Trust me, Mr. Lewis.

I know love and romance. It's my jam.

So let's just give it a shot.

And three, two, one, get some!

Hi. this is Bill Lewis of Bill
Lewis Flooring and Tile.

I'm looking for a nice, clean lady

to spend my days with.

It used to be my wife.

Oh, no.

Man, she was pretty. Smelled nice.

Tight, little body
from all the Jane Fonda.

Son of a bitch, Billy
Boy! You had it all!

- No.
- Ouch.

- Daddy?

One day she just walked out on me.

All she left behind was
this single leg warmer.

I wear it on my arm to keep her close.

- Not good.
- Hard to watch.

Dang it, I miss you so much, pookie!

[Sniffles]

So, so much!

Also, you must be stacked.

I'm so, so sorry.

Okay, cut. Great. I think we got it.

I don't think you did.

As Erica's matchmaking
was stalling out,

Barry's career planning
was just revving up.

Corporate leader?!

I know, right?

Evy told me what bubbles to fill in,

and now I'm gonna be a CEO.

She says I'm a natural leader.

- Sit up straight.
- Yes, my love.

Barry: This is bull crap!

There's no practical job
that will ever meet

Barry's three criteria
for career awesomeness.

One... a position of
unchallenged authority.

You're stretching all
wrong, Matt Raymer.

I want you to drop
into a lunge right here.

That's the quad. Work the quad.

That is the engine room of the body.

Two... No desk or formal pants.

This is where games are won or lost.

There you go. What are
you looking at me for?

And three... It requires athletic skill

and physical intimidation.

You call that a chest
pass, Luke Schmidt?

Run laps till you see God.

Shake a leg. [Whistle blows]

In that moment,

my brother finally knew
what his future would hold...

Kickballs, tube socks,
and a shiny whistle.

Coach, I want to be
your athletic apprentice

so that one day I can take your place

when you climb that
big rope into the sky.

Ah, I see. Goofing on old Coach, huh?

Well, we'll see who's laughing

after you do 3,000 squat thrusts.

No, I'm serious.

I want to teach gym, sir.

My God. It's finally happening.

I'm gonna be a mentor.

- Are you crying?
- My eyes are just celebrating.

Here. Take this.

Training begins now!

[Air blows]

Damn it, I broke it!

Why do I have such powerful lungs?

No, it's a training whistle.

You'll get the tiny, little
ball that makes it work

- when you're ready.
- When will that be?

Coach will know.

Now let the physical
education education begin.

First up, drink this
mix of celery and cod.

Glug hard, boy. Glug hard.

While Barry hit a home
run with his new career,

Erica was striking out at matchmaking.

Swing and a miss. Bill struck out.

Not one response to his video.

How is that possible?

Honestly, I've never seen
such a negative reaction,

and a lot of my clients are
just me in different costumes.

There has to be someone for Bill.

This thing guarantees a match.

No, it says it "gurantees a match."

And that's not a real word,

so it's not a legally binding contract.

Don't make me leave empty-handed.

Please, I need to find someone.

Erica?

Oh, hi, guys. What you doing?

Geoff put some charm jewelry on layaway.

What are you doing?

Are you video-dating?

What? No, no, no.

I'm only here to help set
up my best friend's dad.

I know when I say that out loud,

it doesn't sound great
or real, but it's both.

Well, best of luck
with whatever this is.

John: [Sighs]

- Gross.
- Young love.

Look, I need to find Bill someone.

It's how I'm gonna prove
that I'm good at this.

With the tape Bill made? Not a chance.

Well, then I'll make a better one.

And I've got just the person to help.

Nerd, I need you to
make an awesome video

for Lainey's dad.

Holy balls! My first
professional paid gig!

I'm not paying you. Still
a professional gig, though.

- It's really not.
- I see it now.

We open on a time portal

as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked
body spills to the Earth.

He rises from the smoke
like a Love Terminator.

Yeah, no nudity or time travel.

Just make Mr. Lewis look
cool... You know, macho.

We're making a picture!
An Adam F. Goldberg joint.

What's with the "F"?

There's another Adam Goldberg at school.

He's super-sensitive.

I don't want to cause
any marketplace confusion.

Don't worry about it. No one
cares about either of you.

But I wasn't the only one landing a gig

in my chosen profession.

[Air blows]

That looks broke. Let me fix that.

Hey, I was practicing my tooting skills.

Coach said the whistle is the foundation

from which the gymnasium
arts were built.

You're just gonna sit
here and let him do this.

It was nice and quiet.
He said it was for school.

It is!

I've finally decided on a career path.

- I'm gonna be a P.E. teacher.
- Oh, my.

Dad, you're right. It's time
I find my place in society.

And what could impact society
more than me teaching youth

how to do light exercise
and parachute games?

I fully support you 100%.

Seriously?! Dude!

I thought you were gonna stomp
on this dream like all the others.

- Nah, it's too good.
- It is.

In fact, I'm gonna
go grab some shut-eye.

It's 6:30.

I'm waking up at dawn.

Me and Coach are
going on a 12-mile jog,

then we're powering down a
classic English breakfast.

Why? He likes to start each morning

with 5,000 to 6,000 calories...

Bangers and mash, kippers, kidneys,

boiled and fried potatoes,
black and white pudding,

three kinds of meats.

His mom's British.

Seems like a lot.

She's a handful, but
I like her. [Chuckles]

Anyway, off to bed.

I don't understand, Mur.

Are you actually okay with
your son being a gym coach?

Just like everything else,

the kid will move on to the
next stupid dream of his.

And what if he doesn't?

Believe me, he ain't getting up

at 5:00 in the morning to move his body.

We're golden.

Dig deep. Imagine a
jaguar's chasing you.

Let's go.

I'm miserable, but happier
than I've ever been.

Oh [bleep]

It was the day of the big premiere...
of a dating video.

But, hey, it was still a premiere.

Before I begin, I have
a few words to say.

Webster's Dictionary
defines "masterpiece" as...

Press "play."

Okay, without further ado,

I present to you Bill Lewis,
as requested, a real macho man.

Hi. I'm Bill Lewis.

And I like to dance, get
sweaty, and have some fun.

I'm ship shape and ready for love.

Hey, let's build a relationship.

You have the right to fall in love

with Bill Lewis of Bill
Lewis Tile and Flooring.

Hey, what are you doing?

Destroying this and starting over.

But I gave you exactly
what you asked for... macho.

Your dad was a shirtless cowboy,

a sweaty cop, a leather-clad biker.

Oh, I see it now.

Erica, it's time to hand me the reins.

This is the job for the Yentadex.

What the hell is that?

Every yenta has a Rolodex

filled with perfect matches
for everyone they know.

So buckle up, Bill.

You're about to go on
the ride of your life.

No, there will be no
buckling. I'm handling this.

Okay, I appreciate everyone's help,

but I'm shutting this down.

I'm just... I'm not over my wife.

We all get one true
love, and she was mine.

There is no way you only
get one soul mate in life

because he's in love with someone else,

and then I'm gonna be alone forever,

and I'm not gonna let
that happen to you, Bill!

Wow. She's a passionate young lady.

Got most of her facts wrong,

but her heart's in the right place.

Hey, guys, I really need your help.

Each of you grab a leg and push.

I ate nine bananas,

but I'm still cramping
up something nasty.

Damn it, you ate all my bananas?

I'm in real athletic pain!

Sit, Al.

Nobody is touching those
legs in those tiny shorts.

These are official coaching bottoms.

Sure, they cinch up
the bathing-suit area,

but Coach says I'll eventually reach

a healthy level of crotchular numbness.

For the love of God, take 'em off!

You'll never have kids.

Gym teachers don't have kids.

Their kids are the students they teach.

All right, enough with this gym crap.

Sit down. "Clash of the Titans" is on.

They've got oracles. You love oracles.

Eh, seers and wizards

don't fit into my
new, healthy lifestyle.

I'm gonna go blend up a power shake.

So much fiber.

The body really is an amazing organ.

One point, two points, three points.

[Chuckles] Four points, Barry.

What imaginary game is he playing?

There's no way to know.

I mean, of all his farkakte dreams,

this is the one he's going with.

This is a nightmare.

Do something!

I will!

Thanks for sitting down with me, Rick.

Anything for my prot?g?'s old man.

In a way, it's like we're married.

Yeah, that's gonna make this easier.

Uh, thing is, Barry's not
gonna be a gym teacher.

What's that now?

I think that Woody Allen said it best.

[Imitating Woody Allen]
"Those that can't do, teach.

And those that can't teach, teach gym."

How dare you.

You call that a Woody Allen impression?

[Imitating Woody Allen] This
is a Woody Allen impression.

That's exactly what I'm doing.

You got to stammer like... Like this.

Use your hands more.

[Normal voice] Forget Woody!

Here's the deal...

No more physical education education!

[Normal voice] Seems
to me you're implying

that being a gym coach
isn't good enough.

No, I think what you do is amazing.

Just not for my son.

You've seen your life. You get it.

Well, he may be your
son, but he's my gym son.

- That's not a thing.
- Oh, it is.

There's no such thing.

There's no greater bond in the world

than between a coach
and his boy prot?g?.

I think except for the bond

between a dad and his actual boy.

Well, may the best father win.

Well, that's me. I'm his father.

And I'm his coach-father.

We're done here.

And so began the war
over Barry's future.

Meanwhile, my sister was so
shaken by Bill's words

that she turned her matchmaking
skills on herself.

Hi. I'm Erica. I'm not
desperate or anything.

I just want to make sure

that I don't miss my one chance
to have a happy life with Geoff.

Can I start over?

Webster defines "love" as... Nope.

Blblblblblblb!

Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff. Okay.

I think I got it out of my system,

so let's Geoff this one more time.

I mean, look at this photo of Evy.

Are you freaking kidding me?

[Crying] He's gonna be an eye doctor

because he's gonna follow
in his dad's footsteps.

It's a safe career,

but we would have had a beautiful home.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be crying.

This is bad.

I don't know who this Geoff guy is,

but I think he may have dodged a bullet.

All right, ladies and actual ladies,

it's time to pick
captains for today's game,

which would be...

It's your class, Coach. Your call.

Not today.

I want you to take this little cork ball

and jam it into your whistle, Coach.

Physical education
education just got real.

You mean I'm ready?

Damn right you're ready.
This is your class now.

Today their fate is in your hands.

Name your game.

Anything? Even crab soccer?

- You can crab any sport you like, son.
- [All gasp]

He who holds the whistle makes the laws.

You heard Coach Tasty.
Crab formation now!

[Whistle blows]

That day, Barry invented crab hockey.

As a gym coach, he was a natural.

Show me some hustle!

[Whistle blows]

Second place is the
first place of losers.

"Winning" spelled
backwards is "gninniw."

It's never okay to put
butter on a doughnut!

Champions are losers
who forgot to give up!

Sweat is the body's tears
crying away the weakness!

[Whistle blows]

It doesn't fit!

This game doesn't make any sense!

Some things aren't meant to be crabbed!

Then run laps, Atkins! Now!

[Whistle blows]

How'd it feel, son?

I'll never forget this moment,
Coach, as long as I live.

Hey, Bar, look what I got
for you at Spencer's Gifts.

Is that a crystal ball?

Just like the real
professional oracles use.

That's what you want to be
when you grow up, isn't it?

It is! See you around, Coach.

What just happened?

Well, Coach, I'll put it
in terms you can understand.

You lost.

But I gave him a whistle ball.

And I gave him a better ball.

Don't sweat it. You'll
find another gym son.

No, for once, someone
really looked up to me...

What I do, who I am.

And you took it away with
a trip to the toy store.

I hope you feel good about yourself.

It hurts when you put your tongue to it.

Convinced she was facing
a loveless life alone,

my sister was desperate
to find out her future.

Very desperate.

Hey, um, gonna be honest here.

I'm struggling real bad,

and I heard that Dad
bought you a crystal ball.

I've been expecting you, my lost child.

To be clear, I know this
is ridiculous and not real.

I just need to hear
something encouraging.

I've been expecting you, my lost child.

Stop talking like that

and tell me I'll have
a boyfriend one day.

I've been expecting you, my lost child.

I hate you.

Then take my hand,

and let's journey into
tomorrow and beyond.

[Sighs] Al: Come on, Mur.

Are you sure this is
better than gym coach?

[Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart" plays]

From way downtown! Bang!

[Sighs]

I got a hole in my heart.

Hey.

Is everything okay in here?

What do you care, dream crusher?

About the other day... I feel bad.

I shouldn't have said that
what you do isn't good enough.

What do you feel bad for?
Just telling the truth.

Look, if Barry wants to
have a career like yours,

I won't stand in the way.

What about his new life as a boy-witch?

That's not gonna last.

Hey, you were the only one

who made him take his future seriously.

Yeah, well, I guess that's what
a halfway decent coach does.

More than a coach... Gym dad.

Damn you, Goldbergs.

[Voice breaking] You
always know how to hit me

in my biggest muscle...

My heart.

[Sighs]

Although my... my biceps are nuts, huh?

It wasn't up to my dad
to decide Barry's future.

But Erica was hoping my mom knew hers.

Wow.

You swore you'd never
look in my Yentadex.

You were right.

I'm, like, really bad at love.

Trust me. You're not.

I just wish I didn't blow it with Geoff.

It really hurts, you know?

[Voice breaking] It just... It hurts.

- I know, Schmoops.
-
Listen to your heart

But you'll find the right guy
when the timing is right.

-
Listen to your heart

That day, my sister realized
there were no easy answers

when it comes to who you're
supposed to be with.

Even though my mom knew otherwise.

Truth is when you're a kid,
the future is always uncertain.

-
Whoa, listen to your heart

That's game. Hit the showers.

There's no crystal ball
that can give you the answer.

-
Listen to your heart

I thought you might want this back.

No, keep it.

Maybe you need a hand putting
away those hockey sticks?

Eh, you run along. I got this.

But with the right people
in your corner supporting you,

you'll always come
out a winner in the end.

[Bell dings]

[Bell dings]

[Cheering]

- Mr. Lewis?
- Hello!

The sun's out.

Where's your day robe and
your overall bummer vibe?

Well, I guess all this
dating talk got me thinking

maybe I am ready to
give love another shot.

Well, unfortunately, Mom's not here,

and she hides her Yentadex.

But perhaps I can help. Come, my child.

I see a beautiful, bubbly blonde.

She loves shorts and the beach.

Oh, yeah, I like where this is going.

And she has a friend.

- There's two girls?
- Yes, three is company.

Hot damn. When do I get to meet 'em?

All you got to do is
knock on their door.

- I do?
- They've been waiting for you.

It's "Three's Company,"
Bill. It's a popular TV show.

He forgets what he watches,
and he thinks it's the future.

All right! Forget that!

Let me clear my mind and start over.

I see you and a woman.

One of you is the boss.
But who is the boss?

[Glass breaks]

I actually saw that coming.

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