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1
00:00:04,648 --> 00:00:06,913
_
2
00:00:06,938 --> 00:00:09,827
That is not a Band-Aid. That is sushi.
3
00:00:09,862 --> 00:00:12,163
Sushi. (GIGGLES) Okay.
4
00:00:12,188 --> 00:00:13,975
Hey, there she is!
5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,823
- Happy birthday.
- (JEN GROANS)
6
00:00:15,825 --> 00:00:17,324
You excited for the big day?
7
00:00:17,326 --> 00:00:18,826
Uh, not really. No.
8
00:00:18,828 --> 00:00:21,095
I'm 35, so that is legitimately old.
9
00:00:21,097 --> 00:00:23,197
I mean, I'm older than most mortgages.
10
00:00:23,199 --> 00:00:26,233
But I still have high
interest, and I'm not fixed yet.
11
00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:28,669
Oh. Yeah, the fact that
we're making mortgage jokes
12
00:00:28,671 --> 00:00:30,070
isn't helping me feel younger.
13
00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:31,271
But I know what will.
14
00:00:31,273 --> 00:00:32,706
- Huh?
- This.
15
00:00:32,708 --> 00:00:34,891
- Aw.
- It's one of my best yet.
16
00:00:34,916 --> 00:00:36,982
Picture of Clementine?
17
00:00:37,007 --> 00:00:38,645
Yeah. Happy birthday.
18
00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:43,050
Thank you. Yeah, I definitely
don't already have one.
19
00:00:43,052 --> 00:00:44,885
I got you Clementine as a nanny.
20
00:00:44,887 --> 00:00:46,186
'Cause I know
21
00:00:46,188 --> 00:00:48,856
how exhausting it is
being a working mother.
22
00:00:48,858 --> 00:00:51,325
So, I got you a little extra help.
23
00:00:51,327 --> 00:00:52,860
- Clementine?
- Yeah.
24
00:00:52,862 --> 00:00:55,696
Well, really? Are you
sure she's-she's qualified?
25
00:00:55,698 --> 00:00:58,499
And also, should we be hiring family?
26
00:00:58,501 --> 00:01:00,033
Is she even family at all?
27
00:01:00,035 --> 00:01:01,769
I mean, I have so many questions,
28
00:01:01,771 --> 00:01:03,237
which are really all fake questions
29
00:01:03,239 --> 00:01:05,139
masking my one actual question,
30
00:01:05,141 --> 00:01:09,309
Which is: why in the holy hell
would I ever hire a hot nanny?
31
00:01:09,311 --> 00:01:10,644
- What?
- Hmm?
32
00:01:10,646 --> 00:01:12,579
I mean, o-okay, yeah, sure,
33
00:01:12,581 --> 00:01:15,981
if you think about it, she's
okay-looking, I suppose, but...
34
00:01:16,006 --> 00:01:17,004
Come on.
35
00:01:17,029 --> 00:01:18,973
I mean, Tyler wouldn't have married her
36
00:01:18,998 --> 00:01:20,120
if there wasn't a whole lot more to her.
37
00:01:20,122 --> 00:01:21,455
When you first met her,
38
00:01:21,457 --> 00:01:25,293
you told Tyler he needed
to "lock that bod down."
39
00:01:25,980 --> 00:01:28,187
Because I knew she'd be good with kids.
40
00:01:31,340 --> 00:01:33,700
Oh, honey, you sure you don't
want to go down the slide?
41
00:01:33,702 --> 00:01:35,302
I'm scared.
42
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:39,006
Oh. Wait, no, you don't have
to be scared of the slide.
43
00:01:39,008 --> 00:01:41,711
Because it's actually a rainbow.
44
00:01:41,736 --> 00:01:43,977
Do you want to ride the
rainbow like a unicorn?
45
00:01:43,979 --> 00:01:45,913
Oh, yay, I want to be a unicorn.
46
00:01:45,915 --> 00:01:46,914
Yeah?
47
00:01:46,916 --> 00:01:48,782
Okay, go ride.
48
00:01:48,784 --> 00:01:51,518
Whoa. Riding the rainbow.
49
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:53,153
- I love that.
- Yeah.
50
00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,488
It's street talk for doing whippets
51
00:01:54,490 --> 00:01:55,989
with a belt tied around your neck.
52
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:58,325
But it's also good for
getting kids on slides.
53
00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,793
- Uh-huh, uh-huh. Sure.
- Yeah.
54
00:01:59,795 --> 00:02:01,495
- Lark, are you ready?
- JEN: Here we go.
55
00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:03,315
Come on. Come to us.
56
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,965
JEN AND CLEMENTINE: Yay.
57
00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:06,266
Let's do it again.
58
00:02:06,268 --> 00:02:08,088
Yeah, sure, go again.
59
00:02:08,113 --> 00:02:09,143
(CLEMENTINE LAUGHS)
60
00:02:09,168 --> 00:02:10,143
Oh.
61
00:02:10,168 --> 00:02:11,705
I have always loved kids.
62
00:02:11,707 --> 00:02:14,541
Nah, not me. I had prepartum syndrome.
63
00:02:14,543 --> 00:02:16,310
That's where all babies
make you depressed
64
00:02:16,312 --> 00:02:17,695
until you have your own.
65
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,079
I mean, you can't be depressed now.
66
00:02:19,081 --> 00:02:20,714
You've got the most adorable daughter,
67
00:02:20,716 --> 00:02:23,516
a great marriage, and
you're a freakin' lawyer?
68
00:02:23,541 --> 00:02:25,993
How did you do all that
by the time you're 35?
69
00:02:26,018 --> 00:02:27,788
Oh. (LAUGHS) I don't know.
70
00:02:27,790 --> 00:02:30,524
Work hard, take chances, keep it tight.
71
00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:33,594
No, you are so stylish you could
be on the cover of a magazine.
72
00:02:33,596 --> 00:02:35,496
- Oh, no, come on. (LAUGHING)
- Yeah.
73
00:02:35,498 --> 00:02:38,432
I mean, maybe online, but no. (LAUGHING)
74
00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:41,731
- I love Clementine.
- Mm-hmm?
75
00:02:41,756 --> 00:02:43,247
Yeah. Not as much as she loves me,
76
00:02:43,272 --> 00:02:45,772
which is why I love her. And you.
77
00:02:45,774 --> 00:02:48,008
See? I told you she was a good idea.
78
00:02:48,010 --> 00:02:49,843
- Yeah.
- Man, I can't wait to see
79
00:02:49,845 --> 00:02:51,578
who you're gonna get me for my birthday.
80
00:02:51,580 --> 00:02:53,146
(WHISPERS): James Earl Jones.
81
00:02:53,148 --> 00:02:55,382
You know, turning 35
wasn't so bad after all.
82
00:02:55,384 --> 00:02:56,817
I was just being so silly before.
83
00:02:56,819 --> 00:02:58,685
Like, I have so many
things to celebrate.
84
00:02:58,687 --> 00:03:00,053
You really do. Hey, you know,
85
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:02,147
we should bring Clementine
to your birthday dinner.
86
00:03:02,172 --> 00:03:04,072
That way, when Lark has a meltdown,
87
00:03:04,104 --> 00:03:06,167
we don't have to argue
about who takes care of her.
88
00:03:06,192 --> 00:03:08,916
Well, it's my birthday, so
it would obviously be you.
89
00:03:08,941 --> 00:03:10,797
Then let's bring Clem.
90
00:03:11,705 --> 00:03:13,734
A grand celebration
91
00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:15,703
for a grand mom.
92
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:17,404
- Aw.
- And that, Lark,
93
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,306
is how you do a toast.
94
00:03:19,308 --> 00:03:21,508
Oh, no, I'm not drinking
'cause I've got the little one.
95
00:03:21,510 --> 00:03:22,910
Okay.
96
00:03:22,912 --> 00:03:25,078
I'm bored. I want to go home.
97
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:26,771
Well, sorry, kiddo, but I've sat through
98
00:03:26,796 --> 00:03:27,679
all your friends' birthdays,
99
00:03:27,704 --> 00:03:29,076
so you're gonna have
to sit through mine.
100
00:03:29,101 --> 00:03:31,302
- Are you done?
- Uh, yes?
101
00:03:31,327 --> 00:03:33,428
So this must be Grandma.
102
00:03:33,453 --> 00:03:35,352
I'm sorry, what? What-what did you say?
103
00:03:35,377 --> 00:03:38,325
You must be the grandma
because she say she's the mom.
104
00:03:38,661 --> 00:03:39,909
No, I didn't.
105
00:03:39,934 --> 00:03:43,335
You think... you think that I
look like, uh, like her grandma?
106
00:03:43,566 --> 00:03:45,198
No, no, no, honey.
107
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,634
I'm-I'm-I'm sure this is just
a little misunderstanding.
108
00:03:47,636 --> 00:03:49,136
No, because I ask you, "Are you mom?"
109
00:03:49,138 --> 00:03:50,637
You say "yes," and push the plate.
110
00:03:50,639 --> 00:03:52,906
Oh, no, no, I thought
you said, "Are you done?"
111
00:03:52,908 --> 00:03:54,274
I hear your toast.
112
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:55,542
You say a grand bottle
113
00:03:55,544 --> 00:03:58,078
for a grand mom, and
she plays with child,
114
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,800
no drink champagne for
obvious breastfeeds.
115
00:04:02,971 --> 00:04:04,305
I'm sorry.
116
00:04:06,234 --> 00:04:07,421
Okay, y-you don't look...
117
00:04:07,423 --> 00:04:09,656
Please, please, please, please
do not get upset, all right?
118
00:04:09,658 --> 00:04:11,491
Let's just pretend that
didn't happen, all right?
119
00:04:11,493 --> 00:04:13,827
You are young. You are beautiful.
120
00:04:13,829 --> 00:04:16,296
You-you look like Lark's
sister if-if anything, right?
121
00:04:16,298 --> 00:04:19,996
Her-her-her younger, much
more attractive sister.
122
00:04:20,021 --> 00:04:21,435
Okay? So just, uh...
123
00:04:21,437 --> 00:04:23,996
Okay. You know what, let's
just go back to having the meal.
124
00:04:24,021 --> 00:04:25,038
- Yup.
- Okay. Yeah.
125
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,340
- Yeah.
- No, you're right.
126
00:04:26,342 --> 00:04:27,774
'Cause I don't want to make,
127
00:04:27,776 --> 00:04:29,409
- you know, make a scene or anything.
- Yeah.
128
00:04:29,411 --> 00:04:30,956
Yeah, big girls don't cry.
129
00:04:30,981 --> 00:04:32,238
- That's right.
- Yeah.
130
00:04:32,263 --> 00:04:33,347
Big girls don't cry.
131
00:04:33,372 --> 00:04:34,371
No.
132
00:04:35,364 --> 00:04:37,306
(CRYING): But old ones do.
133
00:04:37,331 --> 00:04:38,485
No.
134
00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:39,519
Honey.
135
00:04:39,521 --> 00:04:41,836
No, no, no, no, no.
136
00:04:41,861 --> 00:04:45,462
(CRYING): Oh, my God.
137
00:04:47,196 --> 00:04:48,595
Well, rocky start aside,
138
00:04:48,597 --> 00:04:51,217
I think this is a pretty
great birthday, huh?
139
00:04:51,242 --> 00:04:53,327
Uh-huh, getting through it.
140
00:04:53,352 --> 00:04:56,725
Oh, uh, you know what always
makes everything better? Cake!
141
00:04:56,750 --> 00:04:58,925
Yay! Cake!
142
00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:01,719
Dessert is on the house. Happy birthday.
143
00:05:05,802 --> 00:05:06,880
All right, honey.
144
00:05:06,882 --> 00:05:08,148
Make a wish.
145
00:05:08,150 --> 00:05:09,750
Just leave me here to die.
146
00:05:09,752 --> 00:05:12,552
If you tell us, honey,
it won't come true.
147
00:05:12,577 --> 00:05:13,859
(SPUTTERS)
148
00:05:13,884 --> 00:05:15,527
Oh. (GRUNTS)
149
00:05:15,552 --> 00:05:17,157
Uh-oh.
150
00:05:17,159 --> 00:05:19,760
Can I get a cake to go, please?
151
00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:23,574
_
152
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:27,000
Come on, Sophia, get it in gear.
153
00:05:27,002 --> 00:05:29,002
School starts in ten minutes,
154
00:05:29,004 --> 00:05:30,838
and that crossing guard
has been a moody bitch
155
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,539
ever since she got hit by that car.
156
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:36,376
It's kind of weird that
you call our car "that car."
157
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,863
- Morning, bro.
- Morning.
158
00:05:38,888 --> 00:05:40,583
Mom, can you make lattes?
159
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:42,216
My friend slept over last night
160
00:05:42,218 --> 00:05:43,217
and is asking for one.
161
00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:44,384
I can't, honey. We're running late.
162
00:05:44,386 --> 00:05:46,027
Also, we're out of whipped cream.
163
00:05:46,052 --> 00:05:47,100
Don't ask why.
164
00:05:47,139 --> 00:05:48,021
Oh.
165
00:05:48,023 --> 00:05:49,568
ALEX: Oh, hi.
166
00:05:49,593 --> 00:05:51,091
You must be Tyler's mom.
167
00:05:51,093 --> 00:05:52,860
You should be so proud of your son.
168
00:05:52,862 --> 00:05:55,229
He is a very hard worker.
169
00:05:55,231 --> 00:05:57,403
Oh. (LAUGHS)
170
00:05:57,428 --> 00:05:58,699
Sophia?
171
00:05:59,866 --> 00:06:01,411
Ms. Morandi?
172
00:06:01,436 --> 00:06:02,833
How do you two know each other?
173
00:06:02,858 --> 00:06:04,471
I'm Sophia's science teacher.
174
00:06:04,473 --> 00:06:05,739
Oh!
175
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,174
Isn't that nice?
176
00:06:07,176 --> 00:06:10,711
You're experimenting
with both of my children.
177
00:06:10,713 --> 00:06:12,446
- What a coincidence. (LAUGHS)
- Right?
178
00:06:12,448 --> 00:06:13,621
- (LAUGHS)
- So cool.
179
00:06:13,646 --> 00:06:14,793
- So cool.
- So, so cool.
180
00:06:14,818 --> 00:06:16,332
Just, yeah, really...
181
00:06:16,357 --> 00:06:17,790
really cool.
182
00:06:18,675 --> 00:06:21,188
Well, I wasn't expecting to
see a student this morning.
183
00:06:21,190 --> 00:06:22,362
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
184
00:06:22,387 --> 00:06:24,525
So I'm just gonna go
back across the street
185
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,560
- and look for my sweater, shoes
- Yeah.
186
00:06:26,562 --> 00:06:28,262
And whatever's left of my dignity.
187
00:06:28,264 --> 00:06:30,877
- Oh.
- I think it's behind the couch.
188
00:06:30,902 --> 00:06:33,102
Your sweater. Not your dignity.
189
00:06:34,503 --> 00:06:38,238
Wow. I mean, I'm flattered
that you have mother issues.
190
00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:39,606
What is going on?
191
00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:40,974
It's just a fling.
192
00:06:40,976 --> 00:06:42,442
It's not a big deal.
193
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:43,777
I'm giving Alex a ride,
194
00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:45,879
so if you want, I can
drop off Sophia, too.
195
00:06:45,881 --> 00:06:47,047
I'll be ready in five.
196
00:06:47,049 --> 00:06:48,649
I just need to go mentally prepare
197
00:06:48,651 --> 00:06:50,951
for the worst day of my life.
198
00:06:53,222 --> 00:06:56,790
I saw you getting out of
the same car as Ms. Morandi.
199
00:06:56,792 --> 00:06:58,592
Are you gonna marry her?
200
00:06:58,594 --> 00:07:01,803
Stay out of my business, Corbin.
201
00:07:01,828 --> 00:07:05,098
Okay, now it's time
to feed Skullcrusher.
202
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:06,633
KIDS: Yay!
203
00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:07,901
That's me. It's my turn.
204
00:07:07,903 --> 00:07:10,848
Actually, I think it's Sophia's turn.
205
00:07:11,503 --> 00:07:13,240
But I'm at the top of the list.
206
00:07:13,242 --> 00:07:14,608
It was your turn yesterday.
207
00:07:14,610 --> 00:07:15,709
That was Sunday.
208
00:07:15,711 --> 00:07:17,377
It's not my fault you didn't come in.
209
00:07:17,672 --> 00:07:18,789
Wha...
210
00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:20,113
Hey, Corbin.
211
00:07:20,115 --> 00:07:21,815
(WHISPERS): Remember this.
212
00:07:23,352 --> 00:07:25,218
(YELLING)
213
00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:26,453
Mom said to sign it!
214
00:07:26,455 --> 00:07:28,021
No, I'm supposed to sign this
215
00:07:28,023 --> 00:07:30,090
after you finish
coloring in the squares.
216
00:07:30,092 --> 00:07:32,659
Sign it or I'm gonna bite you!
217
00:07:33,105 --> 00:07:34,804
Thank you.
218
00:07:36,231 --> 00:07:39,083
I've decided I'm gonna bite you anyway,
219
00:07:39,108 --> 00:07:41,284
but I'm not gonna tell you when.
220
00:07:41,309 --> 00:07:42,836
TIM: All right. Hey, gentlemen.
221
00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:45,714
There's an old man named
John in the other room
222
00:07:45,739 --> 00:07:47,378
who makes funny noises
when you poke him.
223
00:07:47,403 --> 00:07:49,142
Why don't you go check it out, huh?
224
00:07:49,144 --> 00:07:50,765
Hey, if he doesn't make any noises,
225
00:07:50,790 --> 00:07:52,690
you come get us quick.
226
00:07:52,715 --> 00:07:53,981
HEATHER: Hi.
227
00:07:54,498 --> 00:07:56,316
- What you doing?
- Homework.
228
00:07:56,318 --> 00:07:58,418
- This was supposed to be a fling.
- Yeah, it is.
229
00:07:58,420 --> 00:07:59,686
Flings are supposed to be fun.
230
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,321
What's fun about having three kids?
231
00:08:01,323 --> 00:08:03,090
- Nothing.
- Exactly.
232
00:08:03,092 --> 00:08:06,360
This... you're in the middle of
a full-blown relationship, man.
233
00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:08,295
- You need to wake up and break up.
- Yep.
234
00:08:08,297 --> 00:08:11,663
I know. She... thinks there's
a lot more to this than I do.
235
00:08:11,688 --> 00:08:14,249
Or because your house is on wheels,
236
00:08:14,274 --> 00:08:16,679
you could drive it around
the corner and hide from her.
237
00:08:19,854 --> 00:08:21,387
Where you going, Red?
238
00:08:21,412 --> 00:08:22,567
I've got a box of cupcakes
239
00:08:22,592 --> 00:08:23,708
here with your name on 'em.
240
00:08:23,733 --> 00:08:24,811
- Cupcakes?
- Yep.
241
00:08:24,813 --> 00:08:26,013
From Alex.
242
00:08:26,015 --> 00:08:26,850
She said she knows
243
00:08:26,875 --> 00:08:28,348
how much you love frosting,
244
00:08:28,350 --> 00:08:29,850
but she said it in a way
245
00:08:29,852 --> 00:08:32,052
that leaves me with more
questions than answers.
246
00:08:32,054 --> 00:08:34,862
Actually, Alex won't be
around here much longer.
247
00:08:34,887 --> 00:08:36,487
You sound like you're gonna kill her.
248
00:08:36,512 --> 00:08:37,401
Worse.
249
00:08:37,426 --> 00:08:38,492
I'm gonna break up with her.
250
00:08:38,494 --> 00:08:39,442
What?
251
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:42,562
But this is my first
taste of real power.
252
00:08:43,399 --> 00:08:44,564
Sorry, kiddo.
253
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:45,499
I had my first taste
254
00:08:45,501 --> 00:08:46,867
of parenthood, and now I understand
255
00:08:46,869 --> 00:08:49,069
why Mom drinks and
why Dad lost his hair.
256
00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:50,610
Don't break up with her.
257
00:08:50,635 --> 00:08:52,305
At least not until summer.
258
00:08:52,307 --> 00:08:54,441
I wish there was
something else I could do.
259
00:08:54,443 --> 00:08:56,510
- Ow!
- (GROWLS)
260
00:08:57,064 --> 00:08:58,172
He bit me!
261
00:08:58,197 --> 00:09:00,213
- Who the heck is that?!
- (GROANS)
262
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:04,317
Hi, Ms. Morandi.
263
00:09:04,319 --> 00:09:06,019
I'm ready to feed Skullcrusher.
264
00:09:06,021 --> 00:09:08,155
I love how we name all
of our hedgehogs after
265
00:09:08,157 --> 00:09:09,890
how the previous hedgehog died.
266
00:09:10,426 --> 00:09:12,059
I miss Bus Tire.
267
00:09:12,215 --> 00:09:13,247
Corbin.
268
00:09:13,272 --> 00:09:15,405
Looks like it's your turn today.
269
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:17,850
Sophia didn't do it right.
270
00:09:17,875 --> 00:09:19,592
What did I do wrong?
271
00:09:19,617 --> 00:09:21,520
Sometimes we don't
know what we did wrong.
272
00:09:21,545 --> 00:09:23,545
Other people just reject us.
273
00:09:23,570 --> 00:09:25,906
Then try and roll their
home behind a bush.
274
00:09:25,908 --> 00:09:27,574
Well, just because you
and my brother split
275
00:09:27,576 --> 00:09:30,210
doesn't mean you have to
throw away what we have.
276
00:09:30,212 --> 00:09:33,046
You meant nothing to me,
Sophia. You were just a fling.
277
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,374
Doesn't feel so good, does it?
278
00:09:37,486 --> 00:09:39,252
It's my turn now.
279
00:09:39,254 --> 00:09:41,621
This is not over.
280
00:09:41,623 --> 00:09:44,724
Mm. Ooh, $75 for flowers.
281
00:09:44,726 --> 00:09:47,234
Tim, did you buy me
flowers with my credit card?
282
00:09:47,259 --> 00:09:49,126
Yes.
283
00:09:49,151 --> 00:09:50,401
No.
284
00:09:50,426 --> 00:09:51,859
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
285
00:09:52,463 --> 00:09:54,878
Oh, hello.
286
00:09:55,588 --> 00:09:57,003
Alex, what are you doing here?
287
00:09:57,005 --> 00:09:58,939
Thanking you for the flowers.
288
00:09:58,941 --> 00:09:59,873
Wait, flowers?
289
00:09:59,875 --> 00:10:02,193
And for the drawing of a rainbow.
290
00:10:02,218 --> 00:10:04,144
And I circled "Y."
291
00:10:04,146 --> 00:10:05,912
I do want to kiss you.
292
00:10:05,914 --> 00:10:07,216
Okay, I think there's been a little bit
293
00:10:07,241 --> 00:10:09,041
of a misunderstanding.
294
00:10:09,251 --> 00:10:11,118
SOPHIA: Together at last.
295
00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:15,055
I can't wait to spend the entire
weekend with you, Pool Filter.
296
00:10:17,974 --> 00:10:19,736
_
297
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,550
Look at yourselves.
298
00:10:25,488 --> 00:10:27,158
Huh. Pretty nice family.
299
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,793
Men I can count on.
300
00:10:28,795 --> 00:10:29,909
Thanks for the reminder, Dad.
301
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,562
Yeah, you're all pathetic.
302
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,483
Oh, okay.
303
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:34,206
Well, the girls are
gone for the weekend,
304
00:10:34,208 --> 00:10:35,875
and you're just sitting
here staring at your phones.
305
00:10:35,877 --> 00:10:38,099
When was the last time we did something
306
00:10:38,124 --> 00:10:40,589
that we could look back on and say,
307
00:10:40,614 --> 00:10:42,714
"Hey, remember that thing we did?"
308
00:10:42,739 --> 00:10:44,674
You mean like that thing
we did last weekend?
309
00:10:44,699 --> 00:10:46,452
Uh, I don't remember last weekend.
310
00:10:46,454 --> 00:10:49,284
But today we're gonna do
something we won't forget.
311
00:10:49,309 --> 00:10:52,013
Anybody ever heard
of those escape rooms?
312
00:10:52,450 --> 00:10:54,081
Yeah, I've done every
single one in town.
313
00:10:54,106 --> 00:10:55,597
Me and my crew.
314
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:56,581
Your crew?
315
00:10:56,606 --> 00:10:57,763
Yeah.
316
00:10:58,207 --> 00:11:00,018
It's just whoever they pair me up with.
317
00:11:00,043 --> 00:11:01,553
Last time, it was a bunch of women
318
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:05,480
who met 'cause their sons
were lovers in college.
319
00:11:05,482 --> 00:11:06,914
Well, I guarantee
320
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,265
you haven't been to this one
321
00:11:08,290 --> 00:11:10,157
because this one is here.
322
00:11:10,182 --> 00:11:11,652
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
323
00:11:11,654 --> 00:11:14,255
Ow.
324
00:11:14,257 --> 00:11:15,256
Gentlemen.
325
00:11:16,793 --> 00:11:18,159
Good evening.
326
00:11:18,728 --> 00:11:20,261
Colonel Richard York
327
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:21,496
at your service.
328
00:11:21,498 --> 00:11:22,530
All aboard
329
00:11:22,532 --> 00:11:24,232
the Siberian Express,
330
00:11:24,234 --> 00:11:26,868
where a fantastical
adventure awaits you.
331
00:11:26,870 --> 00:11:28,770
Look at this. They've
been decorating all day.
332
00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:31,239
I-I don't even
recognize my own bedroom.
333
00:11:31,264 --> 00:11:32,997
And look at those velvety drapes.
334
00:11:33,022 --> 00:11:34,642
I mean, this is like a train.
335
00:11:34,644 --> 00:11:36,010
Oh, hey. Good one, Dad.
336
00:11:36,012 --> 00:11:38,546
- A keen eye is an observant eye.
- Whoa.
337
00:11:38,548 --> 00:11:40,648
Hey, how'd you get that
cane to stand up like that?
338
00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:42,150
Oh, you just stab that
into the floor, huh?
339
00:11:42,152 --> 00:11:43,918
Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut. The year...
340
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:46,220
1933.
341
00:11:46,222 --> 00:11:47,655
But you wouldn't know that,
342
00:11:47,657 --> 00:11:51,058
for there are no clocks in this room.
343
00:11:51,060 --> 00:11:53,261
- Well, how does a clock tell
you what year it is? - (SCOFFS)
344
00:11:53,263 --> 00:11:56,063
Ah! Well done.
345
00:11:56,065 --> 00:11:57,632
You've discovered the first clue.
346
00:11:57,634 --> 00:11:59,634
You should be the lead investigator.
347
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:02,203
Me? What-what do I get?
Like, a pipe or something?
348
00:12:02,205 --> 00:12:04,272
No, no, no, i-if
there's a pipe, I get it.
349
00:12:04,274 --> 00:12:06,340
I'm... I paid the $600 for this.
350
00:12:06,342 --> 00:12:08,409
Hold on. Shouldn't the lead investigator
351
00:12:08,411 --> 00:12:11,546
be someone who has escaped
from a World War II submarine
352
00:12:11,548 --> 00:12:13,714
and an Old West mine shaft?
353
00:12:13,716 --> 00:12:15,349
And a relative's house during a party
354
00:12:15,351 --> 00:12:17,585
when I left something in the
bathroom I couldn't flush.
355
00:12:17,844 --> 00:12:19,143
That was you?
356
00:12:19,980 --> 00:12:20,955
Now...
357
00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:23,391
this room is filled with clues...
358
00:12:23,393 --> 00:12:25,393
Clues you will need
359
00:12:25,395 --> 00:12:28,229
to escape from this locked train cabin
360
00:12:28,231 --> 00:12:33,095
before the train veers off
the tracks in 60 minutes.
361
00:12:33,243 --> 00:12:35,703
Simply lock this combination lock,
362
00:12:35,705 --> 00:12:38,005
and your time begins.
363
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,040
That's another clue.
364
00:12:39,042 --> 00:12:41,309
It's not.
365
00:12:41,311 --> 00:12:44,445
- I got it.
- All right, let's tear this place apart.
366
00:12:48,170 --> 00:12:49,717
Dad, wasn't that your mirror?
367
00:12:49,719 --> 00:12:50,818
Oh.
368
00:12:51,955 --> 00:12:54,689
Ooh. Hey, you guys cool
if I solve this puzzle
369
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,657
just by peeling off all the stickers?
370
00:12:58,595 --> 00:13:00,528
(SHUDDERS)
371
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,192
I don't want to play anymore.
I don't want to play anymore.
372
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,007
What? Why not?
373
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,565
Because that's Mom and
Dad's underwear drawer,
374
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:06,501
and it is not of the everyday variety.
375
00:13:06,503 --> 00:13:08,135
That's not part of the game.
376
00:13:08,137 --> 00:13:09,039
I mean, it is part
377
00:13:09,064 --> 00:13:11,311
of a game, but not this game.
378
00:13:11,336 --> 00:13:12,673
(CHUCKLES)
379
00:13:14,039 --> 00:13:15,009
You know what?
380
00:13:15,011 --> 00:13:17,454
We've overlooked the most
obvious clue in the room:
381
00:13:17,479 --> 00:13:18,678
the cane!
382
00:13:19,115 --> 00:13:21,382
- Ew. Why is it sticky?
- Ew.
383
00:13:22,352 --> 00:13:23,351
JOHN: Come on.
384
00:13:23,353 --> 00:13:25,520
Quit horsing around and look for clues.
385
00:13:25,522 --> 00:13:29,252
We looked. All we found
were... string underwear.
386
00:13:29,432 --> 00:13:30,591
For men.
387
00:13:30,593 --> 00:13:34,391
All I wanted was to have some
memories with my sons, huh?
388
00:13:34,416 --> 00:13:37,198
And Tim, because he happened to
be in the room when I came in.
389
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,599
But forget it.
390
00:13:38,601 --> 00:13:41,149
Hey, uh, you can let us out.
391
00:13:41,174 --> 00:13:42,436
GREG: What? Hey, Dad, did you, uh,
392
00:13:42,438 --> 00:13:44,238
send your bed out to be reupholstered?
393
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,140
No, they had to move it out to make room
394
00:13:46,142 --> 00:13:48,075
for these tables full of clues.
395
00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,711
GREG: Yeah, well, some guys are
putting it on the trucks now,
396
00:13:50,713 --> 00:13:53,030
along with all of your other furniture.
397
00:13:54,093 --> 00:13:55,249
We're getting robbed.
398
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:56,551
Where did you find this guy?
399
00:13:56,553 --> 00:13:59,287
I-In the parking lot of
another escape room place.
400
00:13:59,289 --> 00:14:00,688
H-He said he'd beat their price,
401
00:14:00,690 --> 00:14:02,746
and honestly he came real close.
402
00:14:02,771 --> 00:14:04,792
You promised Mom that
you were gonna stop
403
00:14:04,794 --> 00:14:06,594
talking to people in parking lots.
404
00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:08,362
Hey, relax. We'll just call the police.
405
00:14:08,364 --> 00:14:09,338
He took our phones.
406
00:14:09,363 --> 00:14:10,998
Okay, fine, then we'll
go out the window.
407
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,167
Wait, no, hey, wait!
We're on the second floor.
408
00:14:13,169 --> 00:14:14,769
- How we gonna get down?
- Well, I don't know.
409
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,271
We can tie together your
weird outfits from the drawer.
410
00:14:17,273 --> 00:14:18,372
Not a good idea.
411
00:14:18,374 --> 00:14:20,308
Th-They're meant to tear away.
412
00:14:20,310 --> 00:14:21,409
- Ugh.
- Oh, God.
413
00:14:21,411 --> 00:14:23,678
Hey, I think that's the
lock from my gun safe.
414
00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:25,880
- What?
- Damn it, he's-he's got my guns!
415
00:14:25,882 --> 00:14:27,064
What's the combination?
416
00:14:27,089 --> 00:14:28,849
Try, uh, seven.
417
00:14:28,851 --> 00:14:30,284
I need four digits.
418
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:33,852
Try, uh, zero... double-"O" seven.
419
00:14:33,877 --> 00:14:35,022
Like James Bond?
420
00:14:35,024 --> 00:14:37,346
No. Like the number seven.
421
00:14:37,371 --> 00:14:40,605
Ah! Missed it. Got to
go around the horn again.
422
00:14:41,192 --> 00:14:43,359
- Ah!
- (ALL CHEER)
423
00:14:44,687 --> 00:14:46,795
- Come on.
- Yeah. Wait. No.
424
00:14:46,820 --> 00:14:48,731
You go first, Tim. You earned it.
425
00:14:48,756 --> 00:14:50,270
Thanks, guys.
426
00:14:50,295 --> 00:14:52,896
They got my guns.
427
00:14:53,669 --> 00:14:55,636
JOHN: Well, cops are on their way.
428
00:14:56,405 --> 00:14:57,812
Wow.
429
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,714
I mean, they took everything.
430
00:14:59,716 --> 00:15:01,882
That bastard York's gonna be
taking the Siberian Express
431
00:15:01,884 --> 00:15:03,217
into early retirement.
432
00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:04,819
More like an early grave.
433
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:06,496
I got a look at that guy's thyroid.
434
00:15:06,521 --> 00:15:07,488
It's pretty enlarged.
435
00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:08,956
If he doesn't get it checked out soon,
436
00:15:08,958 --> 00:15:10,391
he's got weeks, tops.
437
00:15:10,393 --> 00:15:11,826
Why didn't you say anything to him?
438
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,060
He was a crook.
439
00:15:13,062 --> 00:15:14,829
We didn't know that at the time.
440
00:15:15,034 --> 00:15:16,834
Ooh.
441
00:15:19,805 --> 00:15:21,729
_
442
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:24,689
And he was like, "In
you go." Oh, I got it.
443
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:26,991
- No, honey.
- No, Joan. I got it this time.
444
00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:29,486
Honey, let's not do this
dance. I'm getting this.
445
00:15:29,512 --> 00:15:30,778
- Are you sure?
- Oh, yeah.
446
00:15:30,780 --> 00:15:32,313
Plus, it's just so much easier
447
00:15:32,315 --> 00:15:34,325
for me to pay with one card than it is
448
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,516
to try and watch you
spread it out over six.
449
00:15:36,518 --> 00:15:39,553
Thank you so much,
Joan. I got the next one.
450
00:15:39,787 --> 00:15:43,442
I bought a lotto ticket
today, and I am feeling lucky.
451
00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:46,819
You know, have you ever thought
about trying to use logic
452
00:15:46,844 --> 00:15:50,664
to guide your life
instead of the black arts?
453
00:15:50,666 --> 00:15:53,200
Well, I know it sounds crazy,
but my fortune cookie last night
454
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:56,069
said that I'm coming into
some unexpected money.
455
00:15:56,071 --> 00:15:58,105
- So that's a no to logic?
- Right.
456
00:15:58,107 --> 00:16:00,643
- Go, go, go.
- TV ANNOUNCER: Breaks free at the 30.
457
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:02,643
- And here he goes.
- Go. Go.
458
00:16:02,645 --> 00:16:06,279
Yes! Oh, that was beautiful! Oh.
459
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:07,898
Hey, baby, how was lunch?
460
00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:09,883
Awful. I am so upset.
461
00:16:09,885 --> 00:16:11,485
Uh-oh. Oh, boy, this seems like
462
00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:13,286
a turn-off-the-TV
kind of conversation.
463
00:16:13,288 --> 00:16:14,554
Yes, it is.
464
00:16:14,556 --> 00:16:16,056
Okay. Good.
465
00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,547
You know that lotto ticket I bought?
466
00:16:17,572 --> 00:16:19,993
A valet stole it from the car.
467
00:16:19,995 --> 00:16:23,597
Okay, well, maybe you just misplaced it,
468
00:16:23,599 --> 00:16:25,932
because that is a thing
that tends to happen
469
00:16:25,934 --> 00:16:28,568
to you all the time, right?
470
00:16:28,828 --> 00:16:30,028
No, not right!
471
00:16:30,053 --> 00:16:32,005
It was in my cup holder.
472
00:16:32,030 --> 00:16:34,753
Okay, well, hey, hey, hey,
we already won the lottery.
473
00:16:34,778 --> 00:16:36,238
Right? We found each other.
474
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,550
Come here. Mmm. Oh. I love you so much.
475
00:16:38,575 --> 00:16:39,513
(TV CLICKS ON)
476
00:16:39,515 --> 00:16:41,059
It's the principle, Matt.
477
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,215
- Yes, it is. Of course it is.
- (TV CLICKS OFF)
478
00:16:42,217 --> 00:16:43,583
And you know what I'm gonna do tomorrow?
479
00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:45,719
I'm gonna go back and I am gonna
call that little weasel out.
480
00:16:45,721 --> 00:16:47,354
- Okay.
- You're gonna be my backup.
481
00:16:47,356 --> 00:16:48,696
- Yeah.
- In case things get physical.
482
00:16:48,721 --> 00:16:51,005
- Sure.
- Which they will.
483
00:16:51,030 --> 00:16:52,592
Okay.
484
00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:53,727
(TV CLICKS ON)
485
00:16:53,729 --> 00:16:55,195
And I'm gonna tell you something else.
486
00:16:55,197 --> 00:16:57,097
- Yeah.
- (TV CLICKS OFF)
487
00:17:00,666 --> 00:17:03,164
- She's 42. Hi, honey.
- Hey, Mom.
488
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,133
Um, I need a favor from you.
489
00:17:05,243 --> 00:17:07,969
No. No more postage stamps.
490
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:10,005
I have to draw the line.
491
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,633
Well, that is genuinely upsetting,
492
00:17:11,658 --> 00:17:14,030
but that's actually not why I'm here.
493
00:17:14,055 --> 00:17:17,117
I bought this lottery ticket,
and I need you to tell Colleen
494
00:17:17,142 --> 00:17:18,898
that it fell out of
her purse at your lunch.
495
00:17:18,923 --> 00:17:21,236
Honey, I'm not comfortable
lying to your wife.
496
00:17:21,261 --> 00:17:22,047
No, please, Mom.
497
00:17:22,072 --> 00:17:23,476
You know Colleen. She's
always losing things
498
00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,195
and then blaming other people
for stealing them, and then,
499
00:17:25,220 --> 00:17:26,533
like, a week later, they turn up
500
00:17:26,558 --> 00:17:28,095
in one of her other
pockets or in our freezer.
501
00:17:28,097 --> 00:17:29,684
Ooh, that's good to know.
502
00:17:29,709 --> 00:17:31,723
I forgot to return her earrings,
503
00:17:31,748 --> 00:17:33,606
and now I can just stick
them in your freezer.
504
00:17:33,631 --> 00:17:34,787
Yeah, absolutely.
505
00:17:34,812 --> 00:17:36,309
But I need your help.
506
00:17:36,334 --> 00:17:37,762
Do you know how many
restaurants in this town
507
00:17:37,787 --> 00:17:38,672
I'm no longer allowed in
508
00:17:38,674 --> 00:17:40,941
because Colleen has
made a scene in them?
509
00:17:40,943 --> 00:17:43,781
It's actually not that many,
but one of them's a Benihana.
510
00:17:43,806 --> 00:17:45,205
A Benihana, Mom.
511
00:17:45,230 --> 00:17:47,580
Colleen has her eccentricities, honey,
512
00:17:47,605 --> 00:17:48,627
but I think you need
513
00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:49,950
to have your wife's back.
514
00:17:49,952 --> 00:17:52,552
- But I think she's wrong.
- Oh, then lie.
515
00:17:52,554 --> 00:17:54,821
I thought you said you weren't
comfortable lying to her.
516
00:17:54,823 --> 00:17:56,690
Well, she's not my wife.
517
00:17:57,659 --> 00:17:59,484
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
518
00:17:59,509 --> 00:18:01,194
This valet is gonna pay!
519
00:18:01,610 --> 00:18:02,929
Hey, babe.
520
00:18:02,931 --> 00:18:05,476
Do you mind if I play
deejay for a minute?
521
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:06,500
You know, I could throw on
522
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,001
some, like, smooth adult contemporary
523
00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,521
or that enormous shirtless
man who plays the ukulele
524
00:18:10,546 --> 00:18:11,951
that you like. Right?
525
00:18:11,976 --> 00:18:13,006
- Oh.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
526
00:18:13,008 --> 00:18:14,574
Sorry, I missed what you said.
527
00:18:14,576 --> 00:18:15,210
Yeah.
528
00:18:15,235 --> 00:18:16,777
- I am amped!
- (LAUGHS)
529
00:18:16,779 --> 00:18:19,466
I think I should probably
be bad cop, don't you?
530
00:18:19,491 --> 00:18:20,647
- Or...
- Yeah?
531
00:18:20,649 --> 00:18:23,483
We could do good cop, better cop.
532
00:18:23,485 --> 00:18:26,062
Right? Nobody ever
expects to see that coming.
533
00:18:26,087 --> 00:18:27,096
You know, they'd be like,
534
00:18:27,121 --> 00:18:30,861
"What? Yeah, this guy's
even more pleasant? Uh..."
535
00:18:32,392 --> 00:18:34,292
That sounds boring.
536
00:18:34,412 --> 00:18:36,612
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
537
00:18:44,517 --> 00:18:46,892
Carry yourself like you've
got a gun in your pocket.
538
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,859
- What?
- Let's do this!
539
00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,561
It's about to get very...
540
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:51,796
Hi!
541
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,632
Thank you so much.
542
00:18:54,975 --> 00:18:56,749
Where's TJ?
543
00:18:58,095 --> 00:18:59,395
TJ quit?
544
00:18:59,397 --> 00:19:01,230
Yeah, yesterday. He flipped off our boss
545
00:19:01,232 --> 00:19:02,965
and said he didn't
need this place anymore.
546
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:05,000
I knew it. TJ stole my ticket,
547
00:19:05,002 --> 00:19:07,499
he won the lottery,
and now he has my money.
548
00:19:07,524 --> 00:19:10,358
I am gonna Google his
ass and track him down.
549
00:19:11,355 --> 00:19:13,042
Where's my phone?
Somebody stole my phone.
550
00:19:13,044 --> 00:19:15,044
Okay, no, Colleen,
nobody stole your phone.
551
00:19:15,046 --> 00:19:16,412
And nobody stole your lottery ticket.
552
00:19:16,414 --> 00:19:17,699
What are you saying?
553
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:20,238
I'm saying that sometimes
it's nobody else's fault
554
00:19:20,263 --> 00:19:21,273
but your own, okay?
555
00:19:21,298 --> 00:19:22,273
There is a reason
556
00:19:22,298 --> 00:19:24,761
that you have 12 pairs of sunglasses,
557
00:19:24,786 --> 00:19:28,020
and it's not because, like,
some thief keeps returning them.
558
00:19:28,208 --> 00:19:29,358
Wow.
559
00:19:29,827 --> 00:19:31,160
I didn't know you felt that way.
560
00:19:31,162 --> 00:19:32,561
Ugh, Colleen.
561
00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:35,397
No. Leave me alone. I'm calling a Lyft.
562
00:19:35,399 --> 00:19:36,742
I thought somebody stole your phone.
563
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:38,562
Well, I forgot this dress had pockets.
564
00:19:38,587 --> 00:19:39,768
Ah.
565
00:19:39,770 --> 00:19:41,237
Dude, that's messed up.
566
00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:43,105
You should always have your wife's back.
567
00:19:43,107 --> 00:19:46,420
Yeah. Also, TJ probably
did steal the ticket.
568
00:19:46,445 --> 00:19:48,679
He's kinda like a known thief.
569
00:19:49,447 --> 00:19:51,413
(SIGHS)
570
00:19:52,473 --> 00:19:53,716
What?
571
00:19:54,684 --> 00:19:56,485
I knew it. I knew it.
572
00:19:56,487 --> 00:19:58,420
I am...
573
00:19:58,422 --> 00:20:02,524
not gonna rub your sweet,
beautiful face in this.
574
00:20:08,967 --> 00:20:10,733
I'm sorry. You're right.
575
00:20:10,735 --> 00:20:13,035
I definitely think TJ
stole that lottery ticket,
576
00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:16,205
and I will do everything in
my power to help you find him.
577
00:20:16,207 --> 00:20:17,640
I love you.
578
00:20:17,998 --> 00:20:19,408
Oh.
579
00:20:19,410 --> 00:20:20,342
Oh, Matt.
580
00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,311
We don't actually have to find TJ.
581
00:20:22,313 --> 00:20:23,954
I just wanted you to believe me.
582
00:20:23,979 --> 00:20:25,614
I do believe you.
583
00:20:25,616 --> 00:20:27,583
I believe you because
you're a good person.
584
00:20:28,251 --> 00:20:29,385
(CAR HORN HONKS)
585
00:20:29,387 --> 00:20:31,655
WOMAN: Hey, um, I think
that's the wrong Lyft.
586
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,955
Are you Colleen?
587
00:20:32,957 --> 00:20:35,678
No. She died.
588
00:20:35,703 --> 00:20:37,092
But only, like, five minutes ago,
589
00:20:37,094 --> 00:20:38,661
so could you waive the cancellation fee?
590
00:20:38,663 --> 00:20:40,414
Thank you. Bye!
591
00:20:43,035 --> 00:20:44,116
(BOTH LAUGH)
592
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:45,710
Synced and corrected by Octavia
- www.addic7ed.com -
593
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:50,310
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Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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