All language subtitles for Hot in Cleveland s03e14 Hot & Heavy.eng

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

And finally,
big news here at Channel 7.

Next week,
we will be switching to HD.

So I guess someone will be
heading out for a little...

Ee-err, ee-err.

If you're referring
to cosmetic fillers,

I just want our audience
to know

that I have never ever used

Restylane, Radiesse,
or Juvederm.

- What about Botox?
- What about it?

Well, that's all the time
we have today.

For Victoria Chase,
I'm Colin Cooper.

- And this is Victoria Chase.
- And I'm Colin Cooper.

And I'm Victoria Chase.

Ready for lunch?

Oh, I'll just grab my purse.

Hello, love.

Colin!
Forgot you worked here.

The length of that dress
says otherwise.

You're still obnoxious.

She said,
with barely concealed desire.

I think you mean disdain
that is openly naked.

- I've missed you Joy.
- Oh, really?

What part--
me walking in

and catching you
in bed with another woman

or you chasing me
down the driveway

as I toss a flaming can
of Sterno over my shoulder?

By the way,
how is your Mercedes?

Has lost
that new car smell.

Anyway, all relationships
have bumps.

- You're suing me!
- In Small Claims court.

Anyway, let's start over.

The Ohio Newsie Awards
are next month.

There's a gala banquet.
Fancy being on my arm?

Not on your arm
or any other part of you.

Thanks.

You should be my guest
at the newsies, Joy.

My "Save The Rhinos" piece
is a shoo-in to win.

Bollocks.

At heartwarming story
will never take the prize.

It's got a happy ending.

Comedies never win
best picture.

Okay, I need to submit
a new story.

Something that exposes
the dark truth about society.

Something that makes people
ashamed to be human.

Why bother, Victoria?

I've already got a riveting
expose in the works

that's guaranteed to win.

Not so fast!

What if I just thought
of an expose even more riveting?

And the award
goes to Victoria Chase

for Fat Like Me.

Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Look at you.
Look at all of you.

The transformation
is amazing.

Note that I wear
a cowl neck,

the official sweater
of the obese.

Yes, as a method actress,
I really sweat the details.

In fact,
I'm really sweating now.

You know who's a terrific
big-boned actress?

Um, the gal from Norbit.

That was Eddie Murphy
playing his own fat wife.

- That was Eddie?
- Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna need
a minute here.

So have you worn
the fat suit out in public yet?

No, my first stop is tonight's
Overeaters Anonymous meeting

at the community center.

I'm gonna see if I can pass
for one of them.

I'll be like Jane Goodall.

Jane Goodall didn't dress up
like a chimp.

No, but I was
at a Halloween party once

where she dressed
like a fat person.

You know,
the community center

has all these great classes
and seminars.

Might be a nice place
to meet men.

Men who want
to improve themselves.

The rarest type of man.

Elka?

I'm gonna need you
at that meeting with me tonight.

Now this is a hidden camera,
and I want you to film me

and the other high-fructose
Americans

as we... pour our overworked
little hearts out.

You don't have to show me.
I've worn a wire before.

I'm gonna need
a surveillance van,

a loaded .22,
and an airtight backstory.

No van, no gun,
you used to be fat.

I thought fat people
were supposed to be fun.

- Let's go.
- Okay, I'll meet you there.

I wanna grab some snacks
out of this room.

- Piggy, piggy.
- Hey!

I skipped lunch today
so I could fit in these pants.

Now they've loosened up.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Sam J.

- Oh, Melanie More--
- Oh, no last names here.

Oh, oh.

So I guess there won't be
any wine with this cheese.

- No, no liquor, I'm afraid.
- Mm.

This your first meeting,
Melanie?

Yeah... No.

I'm supposed to meet someone.

I'd say you just did.

Did I?

- Wow, that's a great smile.
- Oh, thank you.

I use bleaching strips.

Why do I say things
like that.

Because you're cute.

Come on, come sit next to me.

Sit next-- oh, I'm--
really, I'm not supposed to be--

- I really shouldn't be--
- Please stay.

The first step
is always the hardest.

But one day at a time.

Okay, guys, if we could all
take our seats.

Great, thank you.

And... Welcome, everybody,
to Sexaholics Anonymous.

Of course, that was

before I lost
600 pounds.

All right, that's enough.
It's my turn.

Oh, Elka, if it's not
too traumatic,

would you mind sharing
your rock bottom?

It was July, 2009.

I found a whole
Christmas ham...

In the folds of my back fat.

By then it was smoked.

So I ate it.

Oh, we feel your pain.

But we are out of time.

So...Until the next meeting.

But wait, wait,
I never got to speak!

But--

- Need a hoist?
- Oh.

- I'm Chuck.
- Chunk?

Chuck.

I couldn't help noticing you
in the meeting.

Would you like
to grab a coffee sometime?

[Chuckling]

Oh, oh, you're serious.

Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

God, no.
You're not my type.

Uh, physically.

So what you're saying is
you're disgusted by fat people.

Chuck, maybe you should
just shop your...

considerable wares
elsewhere.

Perhaps that little
butterball over there.

Gals that big really
can't afford

to be in the "no" business
if you know what I mean.

Okay, I get it.
You're not into me.

Just--

Hey!
It's Colin Cooper!

I've got all the footage
I need--tons of it!

Pun intended.

Gotta go!

Excuse me.
I'm looking for someone.

Have you seen a pretty brunette
around here?

I'm looking at one
right now.

- I'm Joy.
- Chuck.

Have we met before?

Oh, I don't think so.

i'm pretty sure I would've
remembered you.

Now, how about something
from our newest member?

Me?

You're safe here.

Hi, I'm Melanie...

And I'm a...

Sexaholic.

All: Hi, Melanie.

I can't do this, Sam.

Look, sometimes it's best
to just put it all out there.

Start with your rock bottom--

the day you knew you were
a slave to your sexual desires.

Um...Okay,
there was, um...

There was
this one time

I got lost
in a wooded area.

And these seven guys
found me.

And they brought me back
to their cottage,

and they made me
cook and clean for them.

- I think they were miners.
- Miners?

Oh, no!
Not the young kind of minors.

No, the--you know,
with the pick axes, miners.

Anyway, I think I had
a bad apple...tini...

And, um, before knew it,
I was lying across

these tiny little beds

and all the miners
were standing over me,

whistling a happy tune.

You know, 'cause I'd just
had sex with them,

the end.

How is it possible you have
never seen Casablanca before?

I always meant to,
I just never got around to it.

I bet you've never seen
Evil dead 2.

Don't you mean,
Evil dead 2: Dead by Dawn?

I think you may be
the perfect woman.

- Well... I'm not perfect.
- Prove it.

- Tell me one tiny flaw.
- Okay.

I can never remember
if there are 24 or 26 letters

in the alphabet.

Well, now you disgust me.

Joy, would you ever,
a million years,

consider going out
with me?

Not in a million years.

But I am free
tomorrow night.

Tomorrow?
Really? With me?

But I can't be the kind of man
you usually date.

Well, I hope not.

The men I usually date
are jerks.

But devastatingly handsome,
charming jerks, right?

Who can't seem
to love anyone else

more than themselves.

Did I say something wrong?

No, they just sound
so pathetic.

Well, they're not you.

And besides, pathetic is someone
who's never seen Casablanca.

How many letters
in the alphabet?

20--

Ah, damn it!

Okay, Elka, keep your camera
pointed toward me.

In 3, 2, 1...

This is Victoria Chase...

About to reveal an ugly truth

about the judgmental people
of Cleveland.

Watch
as I am instantly rejected

by a bunch
of young men

simply because...
[Whispering] I'm fat.

Okay. I'll take
the camera now.

Hi!
Can I play darts with you?

Sure!
You can be on my team.

But... aren't you repulsed
by my girth?

No!

We've got a pitcher
right over there.

Pour yourself a beer.

Hmm.

Wait ma'am!
Maybe you shouldn't--

What? Be allowed to
mingle with the public

because
I'm an unsightly whale?

I was gonna say maybe
you shouldn't sit in that chair.

It's full of darts.

[Cell phone chirps]

Oh!

It's Sam, the cute sexaholic
I told you about.

Oh, my God, he's asking me out.
Should I?

I mean,
I wanna say yes,

but he's so young,
and I just met him.

At a sexaholic meeting!

But when you think about it,
what is a sexaholic anyway?

I mean, if it just means
he wants to do it all the time,

don't all guys wanna do it
all the time?

So when it gets down to it,
isn't every guy a sexaholic?

Melanie, sexaholics
have no standards.

They'll do it
with any skank in town.

Tall, short, skinny,
bony, British.

How'd it go?
Did the guys blow you off?

No, they were actually
very kind,

which is really starting
to piss me off.

Now if one of you
would please pull the darts

out of my derriere.

How am I supposed
to win a newsie

if nobody will treat me
like the blimp that I am?

I need to find someone
who will insult me on film--

Oh, wait.

Wait, you see
that really handsome guy

sitting up at the bar?

I'm gonna go over there
and flirt with him.

And then he'll reject me,
and then I'll cry,

and then I'll run away.

Personally, I'm through
with handsome men.

I like Chuck.
He's adorable.

And he's just
the opposite of Colin.

He's the anti-Colin.

And since I'm anti-Colin,
we're perfect for each other.

I dated a fat fellow once.
Long time ago.

Was it William Howard Taft?

Hello.
Is this barstool taken?

No.

Can I buy you a drink?

What?

But why?

Ar't you revolted
by my pendulous breasts

and my massive buttocks?

Don't be so hard
on yourself.

It's what's on the inside
that counts.

Sometimes I really hate
this town.

Melanie will be ready
in a minute.

Oh, great,
I'll just wait out here.

Um...

- Can I ask you something?
- Sure.

- You're a sexaholic, right?
- I am.

My girlfriend, Carol,

uh, hasn't gotten
lucky in...

5, 10--
all right, 50 years.

Catch my drift?

Yeah, sorry,
I'm in recovery.

Well, spread the word among
your pervert friends, will you?

- Let me know.
- Yes, ma'am.

- He said no about Carol.
- I told you not to ask him!

Dahh.

- Hi, you ready to go?
- Yeah, um...

- Can we talk for a minute?
- Yeah.

I have a little confession
to make.

Um...

You know that whole
sexaholic thing?

Guess what.
Not one!

[Chuckles nervously]

Still in denial.

No, no.
I'm not addicted to sex.

I mean, I like sex.
Sure, like it a lot.

Always ready to do it.
Well, not always.

Need a little notice,
some decent lighting, b--

Look.
[Clears throat]

My friend Victoria
is a reporter,

and she put on a fat suit
to secretly film

an overeaters meeting,
and I tagged along.

And the only reason I met you
was because I was hungry.

Can you forgive me?

If you can forgive me.

Why would I need to?

Melanie, I'm not
a sexaholic either.

I'm a reporter for Channel 2.

What?

I was looking for
the perfect subject

for my Sexaholics Like Me
piece,

and then I found you.

[Gasps]

You were filming me
all along?

Look, we can still
pixelate out your face.

No one will ever know.

Right.

I better go.

Unless...

Well, I mean, maybe all this
happened for a reason.

I mean, I'm not a sexaholic.
You're not a sexaholic.

I'm still a guy.
And I mean, come on.

Aren't all guys basically
just sexaholics?

[Giggling]
That's what I said.

So we wouldn't necessarily
be falling off the wagon

if we were to--

Continue seeing each other?

I was gonna say, "have sex."
But yeah, that's good too.

You can't expect me
to just hop in the sack

without a few dinners first.

I not that kinda girl...

Anymore.

You're right.
Casablanca was great.

Is that a tear
in your eye?

No, I'm a guy.
Guys don't cry.

But how could he let
Ingrid Bergman

get on that plane?

You're such a softie.

Maybe it's 'cause
I'm like a big pillow.

Don't put yourself down.

I feel a real connection
to you.

You're honest
and warm and sweet.

And sexy too.

Joy, as much as
I'd love to,

I'm feeling self-conscious
right now.

But that's silly.

This is our third date.

[Screams]

Darling, darling,
please let me explain.

- Colin, is that you?
- Yes, yes!

But if you just give me
a chance--

What the hell are you doing
in a fat suit?

My plan was to do

a Fat Like Me expose
like Victoria's,

but then I ran into you and--

And you thought you'd have
a good laugh at my expense?

Well, you've got your cheek.

Actually,
you've got my cheek.

Get out!

Out of my way,
thunder thighs.

That's right, I'm talking
to you, blubber nuggets!

Terrific piece.
Really super.

You know, Colin, the time
I spent doing Fat Like Me

was truly harrowing.

Well, as it turns out,

you're not the only reporter
to go undercover

and become fat like me.

Let's roll tape, shall we?

So what you're saying
is your disgusted by fat people.

Look, Chuck, maybe
you should just shop your...

considerable wares
elsewhere.

Oh, perhaps that butterball
over there.

You know, gals that to be
in the "no" business,

if you know what I mean.

Uh...

I don't know what to say,
except I'm sorry.

You know, the truth is that

the entire time that
I was fat Victoria,

not a single solitary person
in this city was mean to me.

The only person who was ever
unkind to someone heavy was me.

So I wanna thank you,
Cleveland,

for teaching me
a valuable lesson.

[Applause]

And I'll be submitting
a brand-new piece

for this year's Newsie awards

entitled

Apologetic Like Me:

How I faked being fat and
became a bigger person for it.

How could you humiliate
Victoria on the air like that?

Oh, it's all right, Joy.

See, Colin's prank failed,

but my mea culpa
to the people of Cleveland

is gonna net me
a big, fat Newsie.

And by "fat,"
I mean "beautiful."

You see how I've grown?

Joy, you don't understand.

Please let me explain.

I just came here to slap you
and take Victoria to dinner,

not to listen
to your explanations.

Look, Joy...

When I was Chuck,

it gave me a chance
to start fresh with you.

To be a better man with you.

Sparring with each other
is exciting,

but it felt good just to be
comfortable with each other.

I like being Chuck.

And I like being with Chuck.
I miss him.

He's right here.

And now you can have
the drop-dead sexiness of Colin

combined with
the pillowy sweetness of Chuck.

I don't know.

Do I have to put
the fat suit on again?

Because I'll do it.

- Joy, I'm crazy about you.
- Really?

Does the alphabet
have 26 letters?

Uh--

Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

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