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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,839
? Have I the right to hold you? ?
2
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,239
? You know I've always told you ?
3
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:11,320
? I've loved you from the very start ?
4
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,119
? Come right back ?
5
00:00:15,120 --> 00:00:17,159
? I just can't bear it ?
6
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,439
? I've got some love
and I long to share it ?
7
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:24,319
? Come right back,
right back where you belong ?
8
00:00:24,320 --> 00:00:26,319
? Oh, yeah ?
9
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,640
? You belong... ?
10
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:34,119
So, while your mother's out of the
room, how... How bad is it?
11
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:35,599
Oh, it's not so bad.
12
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,959
Honestly, I've been through worse.
13
00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,639
- I've got the accounts for last year.
- No, no, no.
14
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:42,519
- I don't need them.
- Oh.
15
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:47,919
Phil, I've been in business
for 20 years and I'm still at it.
16
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,400
30K be enough?
17
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:52,519
Yes, on top of the bank loan.
18
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,439
Good. And if the business goes belly up,
19
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,399
I'll be right at the back
of the queue, right?
20
00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,719
It won't go belly up, and if it
does, I'll... I'll sell my house.
21
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:01,920
Oh, all right.
22
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,519
What would you do then?
23
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,079
Move in here with Mum and Roger.
24
00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,240
[HE CHOKES]
25
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,839
OK, OK, OK.
26
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,519
- Are you all right?
- Good grief.
27
00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:22,519
Just when you were about
to write the cheque.
28
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:25,799
Yeah, well, you know how to kill me
now, if you ever wanted.
29
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:29,839
- I was joking.
- Mmm, well, tell that to the coroner.
30
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,039
Roger's feeling a bit better.
31
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,239
I think it's just a bad cold.
32
00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:35,559
A cold?
33
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,719
He's got a cold and he's got you
running up there with hot drinks.
34
00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:40,359
What is that?
35
00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,359
Oh, a crocodile.
36
00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,799
- Well, yes.
- It's Roger's.
37
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,959
He was so upset when they didn't
give him the job at the toy shop
38
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,839
that they gave him that
as a consolation prize.
39
00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,959
- Dear God.
- So, is it all done?
40
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:56,330
Er, yes. Phil is about to write
a cheque. Aren't you, Phil?
41
00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:57,120
Mm-hm.
42
00:01:57,121 --> 00:01:59,559
Yes, well, I hope all
this is going to be all right.
43
00:01:59,560 --> 00:02:00,679
Oh, it's a bargain.
44
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,639
A one-year interest-free loan of �30,000
45
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:06,399
in exchange for a free
monthly haircut for me
46
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,439
and a perm or whatever
for your mum in perpetuity.
47
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:11,559
Am I right?
48
00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:13,839
Absolutely. A huge bargain.
49
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,179
Mm, and when you're looking
for a buyer for a house share
50
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:18,079
on the Brooklyn Bridge
or the Tower of London,
51
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,679
I trust you'll give me first refusal.
52
00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,559
[SHE CHUCKLES]
53
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,159
Don't lend her a penny.
54
00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:26,719
You'll never get it back.
55
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,919
You come down to be generous
with your germs?
56
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:30,439
You're immune.
57
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:32,839
If a viper bit her, it'd die.
58
00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:35,080
- Roger!
- I came for Methuselah.
59
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,200
Should Phil...
60
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,840
Should Phil lend Sandra the money?
61
00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:45,479
[SILLY VOICE:] What a stupid question!
Definitely not.
62
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,839
No, no, no, no, no, no! Noooooo!
63
00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:52,119
NO, NOOOOO!
64
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,039
Night-night.
65
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,719
Sleep tight.
66
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,359
Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite.
67
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:02,559
This will all be better once
the right job comes along.
68
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,239
[BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
69
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,840
Oh, sorry.
70
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,319
Ah...
71
00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:19,759
That's it, come on... No, no, no!
72
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:20,800
No!
73
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,199
Up, up, up!
74
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,640
Come on... Come on!
75
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:38,759
Hello, Roger.
76
00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,160
Oh, Bob. Bob the Burglar.
77
00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:44,159
Just Bob will do.
78
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:45,559
All right. Yeah.
79
00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,000
Can you give me a ha...?
80
00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:49,320
Sorry.
81
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,839
You know, I used to fly kites
for the army.
82
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:56,719
- Signal Corp.
- Cool.
83
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,119
Yeah, Somaliland campaign.
84
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:01,239
- You know, against the Dervish.
- Wow.
85
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:04,599
Roger, the Somaliland campaign
was in 1920.
86
00:04:04,600 --> 00:04:06,119
I wasn't even born.
87
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,679
Ah, right.
88
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:12,599
It really pains me to see what
a pathetically easy target you are.
89
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,319
It's no fun for you really, is it?
90
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,599
It's not as if you're even
born yesterday.
91
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:18,799
It's like half an hour ago.
92
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,199
- What can I do?
- Well, it's a problem.
93
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:24,479
You know... I could take you
under my wing, you know?
94
00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,239
Make you my apprentice, but,
you know, I'd have to charge you.
95
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:29,480
Well, I've got no money.
96
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:32,279
What, nothing?
97
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,279
Well, I'm in debt.
98
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:37,519
No, that means you're rich. The more
debt you have, the richer you are.
99
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,199
You ramp that up to millions,
100
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,879
they will treat you like royalty.
101
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,559
I tried to get a job,
but my heart's not in it.
102
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,840
Well, good for you. I never fancied
working myself either.
103
00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,679
How is your mother?
104
00:05:00,680 --> 00:05:02,599
She's a lovely lady.
105
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:04,040
Yeah, really good.
106
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:08,319
- That's even better.
- What do you mean?
107
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,919
- You could be a carer.
- What, for Mum?
108
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,039
Exactly. Make a few bob.
109
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,880
But she doesn't need a carer.
She's fine.
110
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,679
- So?
- So they won't let me.
111
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,439
Of course they will!
112
00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:22,879
No, there'll be forms
and stuff to fill in, won't there?
113
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,039
No, they don't bother
about that nonsense.
114
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:29,279
You get me your mother's full name,
date, place of birth,
115
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:33,199
social security number,
all that stuff and I'll do the rest.
116
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,879
- The rest?
- Yeah, a doctor's letter.
117
00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,640
See, er... I know people, right?
118
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,239
I'm, like, connected.
119
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:44,919
Won't they want paying?
120
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,799
Oh... 300 should do it.
121
00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,359
300?
122
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:51,239
Yeah, on account.
123
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,880
You can pay me back in instalments
once you get the job.
124
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,559
See, it's like an investment.
125
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,679
You know? You get an income
with next to nothing to do for her.
126
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,040
- Now, I do like the sound of that.
- Yeah.
127
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:20,159
Just wish we'd talked about it
more first.
128
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,879
I mean, Sandra's always going on about
129
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:25,879
how brilliantly on top
of everything she is.
130
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,959
And then as soon as the ice starts
to crack, up you come,
131
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,919
waving your cheque book in the air.
132
00:06:30,920 --> 00:06:33,520
Well, I thought you might be grateful.
133
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,800
Maybe I don't want to be grateful.
134
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:43,600
- Are you worried about it?
- Aren't you? - Not really, no.
135
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,760
That's a big fib.
136
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,000
Could be right.
137
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:04,439
So, here is a comprehensive account
138
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,960
by a proper doctor on
why your mum needs a carer.
139
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,359
- I can't do it.
- Why not?
140
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:13,879
I'm too nervous.
141
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,359
- They'll suspect something.
- Nervous is normal.
142
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,359
Everybody's nervous going
through that door.
143
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,600
If you weren't nervous,
they would suspect you.
144
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,959
Go on, you'll be surprised
how easy it is.
145
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,440
I'll be waiting for you
on that bench. Go on.
146
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,919
How long have you been
caring for your mother, Roger?
147
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:53,999
Uh, it's about... about six years.
148
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,240
Months! Months.
149
00:07:57,880 --> 00:07:59,559
On your own?
150
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:03,119
Uh, yes, mainly on my own, yeah.
151
00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,039
I've got a sister but she's dead.
152
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:07,519
She works! Sister works.
153
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,720
So, yeah, yeah, on my own, yeah.
154
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,079
- Felicity.
- Hmm?
155
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:14,960
Questions. Comments.
156
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:18,800
It's very kind of you.
157
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:21,440
Yes, yes, it is.
158
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,799
Your doctor says your mother has
severe mobility problems,
159
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,359
has almost entirely lost
the power of speech
160
00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:33,599
and is subject to fits
of uncontrollable rage.
161
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:34,959
Good grief!
162
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,359
That sounds really bad, doesn't it?
163
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,759
Um, I mean, when you say it like that.
164
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:42,639
I presume you don't have a regular job.
165
00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,919
No. Um, I did do,
but I had to give it up.
166
00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:51,519
- To look after your mother.
- No... Yes! But not at first.
167
00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,639
That was later, so, um...
168
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,200
Yeah. Yeah.
169
00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,580
You must be under a
lot of stress, Roger.
170
00:09:06,616 --> 00:09:07,480
Yeah.
171
00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:10,000
I am. I am.
172
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:12,960
Under a lot of stress.
173
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:28,439
Well, there you go.
That didn't take too long.
174
00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:30,840
- How'd it go?
- Oh, I'm finished.
175
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:34,839
Done for. I might as well go
straight to the police and confess.
176
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,879
What are you talking about?
What happened?
177
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,599
They're sending
an inspector to the house.
178
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:42,719
11 o'clock, Thursday morning.
179
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,839
- Good.
- Good?! It's not good at all.
180
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:47,000
It's a disaster.
181
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,639
I never realised that I was happy,
but now I know I was
182
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,200
compared to this.
183
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:11,999
Oh, dear.
184
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,319
What's up, Rog?
185
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,679
Oh, nothing at all. Nothing.
186
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:19,639
Queenie, will you do me a favour?
187
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,399
Well, if I can.
188
00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:26,279
I've got a friend who... who's got
a friend who's training to be
189
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,479
an assessor for people
who want to be carers.
190
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:32,959
And, erm, but they need someone
to practise on.
191
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,919
What, like a guinea pig?
192
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,159
Yeah, yeah, just someone to pretend
that they can't walk or talk
193
00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,359
and they get a bit frustrated about it.
194
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,759
Oh, a difficult customer.
195
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,679
Well, not too difficult
196
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:48,039
and you wouldn't have to do anything
or even have to say anything.
197
00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:49,759
Uh, I'd do all the talking.
198
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,239
Yeah, I think I can manage that.
199
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,519
I played the front legs
of a pantomime horse once
200
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,279
for four years running.
201
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,039
The front legs, mind you.
202
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:00,839
Well, I'm impressed.
203
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:03,319
Yeah. So was I.
204
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:05,719
Mainly by the randy little rapscallion
205
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,279
who played the back legs
206
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:11,120
and subsequently became
my second husband.
207
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,799
Um, and just for
authenticity's sake, um,
208
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,840
we'd pretend that you're my mum.
209
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,359
Oh... Well, if you say so.
210
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,879
I hope Edith won't mind.
211
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,319
Oh, no, no, she won't mind.
212
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,879
But don't say anything to her, will you?
213
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:33,239
She won't be here on the Thursday
when this person comes
214
00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:35,679
and if I get a job on the
training programme too,
215
00:11:35,680 --> 00:11:38,050
then I want it to be a
big surprise for her.
216
00:11:38,086 --> 00:11:39,086
Yeah.
217
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,359
Thank you so much.
We'll see you in six weeks.
218
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,680
- Love that colour on you.
- Thank you. Bye-bye.
219
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:16,759
- Leonora's. Can you hold?
- Hi. Yeah, hi, Sandra.
220
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:17,670
Yeah, it's Rog.
221
00:12:17,706 --> 00:12:20,399
Rog? Don't ever
remember calling you Rog.
222
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,679
Were we ever that close, Roger?
I don't think so.
223
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,359
- What do you want?
- Uh, yeah.
224
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:26,919
Mum's had to rush off somewhere.
225
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:28,079
And?
226
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:30,599
She asked me to make
an appointment for her.
227
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:33,239
Um, 11 o'clock Thursday morning.
228
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,239
Uh, Phil too.
229
00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:36,999
And she said she wants everything,
230
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:41,399
so colouring and perming,
231
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,679
straightening and all the other stuff.
232
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,992
Well, it's either one
or the other, Roger.
233
00:12:46,028 --> 00:12:46,960
Yeah, I know!
234
00:12:46,961 --> 00:12:49,159
- But that's what she said.
- OK.
235
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,199
Thursday at 11.
236
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,999
Great! Great, I'll tell her.
237
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,160
OK, bye.
238
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:11,200
Oh, hello, dear.
239
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,799
Oh, hi. Hi, Mum. Hi.
240
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:17,079
Um, Sandra just called.
241
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,039
She said she's made appointments
for both of you
242
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,639
- for Thursday morning at 11 o'clock.
- Oh, that's very kind of her.
243
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,279
Yeah, she said not to be late.
244
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:26,559
I think I'll give it a miss.
245
00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:29,239
She was quite insistent
that you both go.
246
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,839
I don't see why.
247
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,040
Well, because...
248
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:36,520
Because she wants to extend
her demographic.
249
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,719
- Does she?
- Yeah, yeah.
250
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:41,439
She wants to regain profitable territory
251
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,720
from the slap-head generation.
252
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,879
Have you been at the Weetabix again?
253
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,439
She believes that your esteemed
presence will boost her business.
254
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,360
Ah, well, now I understand.
255
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,280
I hope this won't take too long
cos I haven't finished the cleaning.
256
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:44,959
Now, this is Edith. My mum.
257
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:47,239
Mum, this is Miss Oaks.
258
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:48,640
Felicity.
259
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:54,999
[SHOUTING:] Hello, Edith!
Nice to meet you!
260
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,239
Felicity is from the social care office.
261
00:14:57,240 --> 00:15:00,879
Remember? She's here to see
if you need a carer.
262
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,399
Oh, I do. I do.
263
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:06,519
I need a carer cos otherwise
I won't be able to cope, will I?
264
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,760
Roger has to carry me to the lavatory.
265
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,159
Yes, normally she's just
completely incontinent.
266
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,759
Incontinent? Oh, dear.
267
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,359
I mean, incommunicative.
268
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,159
Uh, yeah, she can't say a word,
can you, Mum?
269
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,719
But sometimes she has these rather...
270
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,039
..unexpected bursts of verbal diarrhoea.
271
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,239
Oh... Oh...
272
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,639
That's more like it.
273
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,879
See, she gets so frustrated and
irritable not being able to speak.
274
00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:36,039
Ohhhhh! Ohh.
275
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:39,279
Mum. Mum, now Felicity
is here to help you.
276
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:42,679
Now, if you behave badly, then
she might just give up and go away.
277
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,839
No, no, Edith, I won't do that.
278
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:48,119
I'm sure you won't -
but may I suggest that we do
279
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,000
the necessary as quickly as possible
just for Mum's sake.
280
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,279
I must say, you've done it very nicely.
281
00:15:57,280 --> 00:15:58,839
I love the colours.
282
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,599
It's good, isn't it? Cost, of course.
283
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,839
- Vanker and Vanker.
- What?
284
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,359
The design studio.
285
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,879
Vanker and Vanker.
286
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,919
Oh, very unfortunate names.
287
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,279
They must have had
a difficult time in life.
288
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,199
It's not their real names, Mum.
289
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:15,526
It's the memorable
name for the company.
290
00:16:15,562 --> 00:16:16,562
I'll say!
291
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:21,519
So sorry you're having to wait.
292
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,879
If you hadn't asked
for Thursday morning...
293
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,199
Did we ask for Thursday morning?
294
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,119
Roger told us
that you'd offered Thursday morning.
295
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:30,680
- He said that?
- Yeah.
296
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:33,360
- Sure?
- Yeah.
297
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,399
I smell a rat.
298
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,320
I smell several rats -
and the biggest of those is Roger.
299
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:51,639
Can she use the toilet on her own?
300
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:54,039
Uh, well, I help her but then
she's on her own, isn't she?
301
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:56,439
I mean, what she does
in there is her business, isn't it?
302
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,439
- Well...
- Baaah...
303
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,679
And she sleeps upstairs?
304
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,039
- Yes.
- OK.
305
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,679
How does she manage the stairs?
306
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,920
Uh...
307
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,839
I used to be a fireman,
308
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:13,399
so I just throw her over my shoulder
and I carry her up.
309
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,439
Gosh.
310
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:16,480
Really?
311
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,959
Mum, it isn't funny.
312
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,800
Oh, yes, it is!
313
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,079
I think you need to have
other arrangements.
314
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,439
Is there a bathroom
downstairs on the ground floor?
315
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:28,599
[DOOR OPENS]
316
00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:29,879
Roger.
317
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,279
- What's going on?
- Baaah!
318
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:34,079
What's the matter with her?
319
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,519
She's just having
one of her days, Sandra.
320
00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,319
Felicity, this is my sister Sandra.
321
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,159
Felicity works for the local
authority care department.
322
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,039
- Hello.
- Hello.
323
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,839
Now, if you'll excuse me, uh, Felicity.
324
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,799
I just need to have a quick word
with my sister.
325
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,200
Of course.
326
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,040
Baah.
327
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:57,759
- What are you doing here?!
- What was all that about?
328
00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:00,199
You're always meddling, aren't you?
Always meddling.
329
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,919
Shut up and tell me
what you're playing at.
330
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:04,559
Right, Felicity is a friend of mine, OK?
331
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,719
Now, she is training to assess
people to see if they need carers.
332
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,119
Now, I offered to help
her in her training.
333
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,199
So did Queenie.
334
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,679
Queenie's pretending to be Mum,
335
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,040
I'm pretending to be me
for the purposes of the exercise.
336
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,959
- You're lying.
- No, I'm not!
337
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,359
Where are you going?
338
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,839
- I've got a few questions for Felicity.
- Yeah, no, wait, wait.
339
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,599
Um...
340
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,199
OK, I am lying.
341
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,440
Now, but... thing is...
342
00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:31,479
..I'm trying to become a carer.
343
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:33,999
- A carer? - For Mum.
- What?
344
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,479
I'm committing a criminal act
to deceive the local authority
345
00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,119
and to defraud the tax-payer
into paying me a carer's allowance.
346
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,599
Good God.
347
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:44,359
Now... and if you let the cat
out of the bag, right,
348
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,879
I will drag you into it
349
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,959
and I will ruin both your reputation
and your business.
350
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,799
I've got nothing to do with this.
351
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,679
Your signature's
on the application form.
352
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,319
You... forged my signature?
Well, I'll tell them.
353
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,919
Even if they believed you,
it'd get in the papers wouldn't, it?
354
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,079
And mud always sticks.
355
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,679
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Sorry, um, excuse me,
356
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,839
Roger, your mother's insisting
she's Queenie the cleaning lady.
357
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,119
Oh, no! Not that again.
358
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,040
She's... She's always
doing that these days.
359
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,520
Isn't she, Sandra?
360
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,639
Yes.
361
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,920
Yes, she has been known to do that.
362
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,199
Oh, there you are, you scallywag.
363
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,679
I've had enough of being your mum.
364
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,079
I want to be myself now,
and finish the cleaning.
365
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:36,039
Oh, no, Mum, don't say that.
366
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,839
I'm not your mum and I can't
honestly say I'm altogether sorry.
367
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,759
Phil! Phil...
368
00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:44,439
I'm at Mum's. Get back here fast.
369
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:46,639
It's an emergency.
Don't say anything to Mum.
370
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,520
- Just be patient.
- Oh, God.
371
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,440
Another five minutes, and that's it.
372
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,399
It's not that I don't want
to help you, Felicity.
373
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:59,159
- Thank you, Edith.
- Queenie.
374
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:00,439
Mum, please.
375
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,719
"Mum."
376
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,359
I'll "Mum" you.
377
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:06,239
Roger, I wonder if care in the home
is really adequate in this case.
378
00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:08,519
I think it is. I can manage.
379
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,279
I really, really can.
380
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,799
She isn't normally this difficult,
are you, Mum?
381
00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,199
Baaah.
382
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,319
It's quite odd.
383
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,399
She can speak
when she's Queenie the cleaner,
384
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,159
but only sometimes when she's Edith.
385
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,559
Yeah, it's very peculiar,
but you do get used to it.
386
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,000
Baah!
387
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,079
What are we going to do?!
388
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,319
We've got to come clean.
389
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:36,079
How? If we tell her the truth,
then she'll call the police.
390
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,597
My signature is on
the application form!
391
00:20:38,633 --> 00:20:39,639
Forged. Hmm.
392
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,999
And for once,
Roger is right about one thing.
393
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,439
Mud does stick.
394
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,079
I mean, some of my customers
might decide to go elsewhere.
395
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:47,119
I could be ruined.
396
00:20:47,143 --> 00:20:49,019
Have you paid the cheque
into the account yet?
397
00:20:49,020 --> 00:20:50,399
- Of course.
- Bugger.
398
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,470
I've got an idea.
399
00:20:51,506 --> 00:20:53,679
- But you haven't spent it yet, have you?
- Listen...
400
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:57,079
Cos I can't afford to wave goodbye
to 30K just like that, right?
401
00:20:57,080 --> 00:20:58,639
Me neither.
402
00:20:58,640 --> 00:20:59,919
Somehow...
403
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,879
Somehow, we have to convince Felicity
404
00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:04,559
that Roger is barking
405
00:21:04,560 --> 00:21:06,479
and that we all play along with him
406
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,959
because, despite everything,
we love him...
407
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,239
..and we can't face
putting him into a home.
408
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:12,599
Put Roger in a home?
409
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,150
- So, you go in there...
- Mm-hm.
410
00:21:14,186 --> 00:21:15,599
..and send Roger to me,
411
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,559
and we have to keep
Felicity in the dark,
412
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:19,479
so that means you've got
to play along, Phil.
413
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,359
Oh, and Mrs G's Mum.
414
00:21:21,360 --> 00:21:22,520
- Right.
- OK?
415
00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:25,279
What?!
416
00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:28,559
I'm here twice a week to help Edith.
417
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,440
Ever since Roger came home.
418
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:33,839
Oh, not you, as well.
419
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,359
Hello, you must be Felicity.
420
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:37,799
Y-Yes.
421
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:38,959
Good, I'm Phil.
422
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,479
I'd Edith's friend.
423
00:21:40,480 --> 00:21:41,490
Right.
424
00:21:41,526 --> 00:21:44,519
Roger, could you have a quick
word with Sandra, please?
425
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,759
Now, apparently
it's a little bit urgent.
426
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,999
Well, Edith, how are you, darling?
427
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,640
Now, don't tire yourself out
trying to answer that, so just...
428
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,559
Phil's my companion.
429
00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,679
Oh, really? That's nice.
430
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,599
Lovely.
431
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:03,310
- Yeah.
- Yes.
432
00:22:03,346 --> 00:22:05,439
We're going to get married, aren't we?
433
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:08,759
Yes, the less you say, darling,
the quicker this will be over.
434
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,480
Oh, you're not going to jilt me,
are you, Phil?
435
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,999
Well, I'm seriously considering it!
436
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,279
Now, do see if you could be
as quiet as possible.
437
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,239
I know that you can if you really try.
438
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,879
OK, that's enough, I've done my bit.
439
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,119
I need to vac the dining room.
440
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:24,679
No, no, no, no, Edith.
441
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:28,439
I absolutely refuse to let you
do any of the cleaning, Edith.
442
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,639
That's Mrs Gale's job.
443
00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,679
He knows perfectly well who I am.
444
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,599
Indeed I do, Edith.
445
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,759
Queenie.
446
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:38,399
I don't want you to think
that I'm a snob,
447
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:42,919
but could you imagine someone
like me marrying a cleaning lady?
448
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,679
- Um...
- Point of information -
449
00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,399
I know some very marriageable
cleaning ladies.
450
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,439
No doubt - but you're not one of them.
451
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,439
Do you mind?
I've been married three times.
452
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,920
No, no, you're not one of them
because you're Edith.
453
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,159
You see how fickle men are.
454
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,639
When he thinks I'm Edith,
he wants to marry me.
455
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:06,199
When he thinks I'm a cleaning lady,
he doesn't.
456
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,639
If you don't shut up, I won't marry you!
457
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,079
Or employ you as a cleaning lady,
458
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:15,399
or whatever it is that you're doing
on the appointed day.
459
00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:17,519
So, don't take any notice of us.
460
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,640
It's a little jovial pre-marital banter.
461
00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,519
So, um, have you been doing
the... the job long?
462
00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:27,039
Oh, not long at all, really.
463
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,759
That's why Mrs Poole should really
be here with me.
464
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:33,359
- Phil...
- Sh. Listen to what Felicity's saying.
465
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,999
You wouldn't like to carry me
to the lavatory, would you?
466
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,479
No, thank you, Edith.
467
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:38,720
No, not today.
468
00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:42,919
And if this gets out,
as it certainly will
469
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,639
if you don't do as I say...
470
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,999
..what do you think it's
going to do to Mum?!
471
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,199
She's going to be devastated, isn't she?
472
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,519
She'll probably never recover.
473
00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:56,239
Now you didn't think about that,
did you?
474
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,280
Did you?!
475
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:00,279
No.
476
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,999
You're probably wondering by now
why I've set my heart on marrying
477
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:09,880
this extraordinarily
interesting woman Edith.
478
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,439
- Queenie.
- No, no. I wasn't. Not at all.
479
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,760
The answer is, she is extremely rich.
480
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:19,880
Oh, that's a good one.
481
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:23,799
Well, if that's the case, then why...
482
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:29,239
Oh, why, why are we asking the
social services to provide a carer?
483
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,359
- Yeah.
- Yes. A good point.
484
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:34,919
Um, very good point, actually...
485
00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:36,839
Well, the reason is,
when I first met her,
486
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:39,639
she told me that she
was incredibly rich.
487
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:43,279
Um, and by the time I found out
that that wasn't true,
488
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:47,199
I had fallen totally in love
with her, you see?
489
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:51,159
Um, and it was too late
to do anything about it,
490
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:53,919
so that's when I realised that...
491
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:57,839
..money is the most... not the most
important thing in life.
492
00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,839
Come along. Come along.
493
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,120
Oh, God.
494
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,080
Go on.
495
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,720
Say goodnight to Felicity.
496
00:25:15,240 --> 00:25:18,559
"Goodnight, Felicity.
497
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,839
"We've got to go to bed now."
498
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,439
Night-night, sleep tight.
499
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,399
Hope the hippopotamuses don't bite.
500
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:27,440
Ha-ha.
501
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,760
Off we go.
502
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:38,160
"Night-night!"
503
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,279
I'm so sorry, Felicity.
504
00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,359
It... It's very sad.
505
00:25:44,360 --> 00:25:45,479
It really is.
506
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:50,239
He means well, but if we
don't all play along with him,
507
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:53,199
then it can be a great
trial for all of us.
508
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,439
He should really be in care.
509
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,239
You've got to forgive him, dear.
510
00:25:57,240 --> 00:26:00,160
He went a bit daft when his dad died.
511
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:05,439
He's been a few currants
short of a teacake ever since -
512
00:26:05,440 --> 00:26:07,520
but he's a good lad, really.
513
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,040
[PHONE RINGS]
514
00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:18,439
Hello?
515
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,239
So, how did it go?
516
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,319
Mrs Poole, I don't think
I'm cut out for this.
517
00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:24,919
I think I made a mistake.
518
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,399
Of course you're not.
519
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,399
No-one's cut out for this, Felicity.
520
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:29,999
Not one of us.
521
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,759
- But...
- Well, I look forward
522
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,639
with great interest to reading
your first report, Felicity.
523
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:36,080
But...
524
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:38,800
Oh.
525
00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:58,200
- Roger.
- Oh, hi, Bob.
526
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,000
So, how did it go?
527
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,039
Great, yeah, fantastic.
528
00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:08,159
- I'm a carer.
- You're a carer! - Yeah!
529
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,199
Oh, that's... That's wonderful!
530
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,439
Hey! So, uh... how much
are they paying you?
531
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,039
- Shedloads.
- Shedloads!
532
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,239
Oh! That can't be bad, eh? Oh, this...
533
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,679
This calls for celebration.
534
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:24,760
Yeah, I'll buy you a beer. Yeah.
535
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,680
A beer?
536
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,159
Oh, I won't say no to a beer,
537
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,439
but, um, I hope you're not going
to get all parsimonious
538
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:36,359
on your old friend here, you know?
539
00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:39,039
After all I did for you.
540
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:42,199
We... We had a deal, Roger? Remember?
541
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,479
Bob, I was joking. I'm not a carer.
542
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,239
You're not? Dear heavens, Roger.
543
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:48,217
You could kill a man
with a joke like that.
544
00:27:48,253 --> 00:27:49,160
Yeah, I'm sorry.
545
00:27:49,161 --> 00:27:51,319
I was just trying to take
the edge off the bad news.
546
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:52,439
What happened?
547
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:55,079
Well, it was going really, really well.
548
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,759
Um, near perfect,
and then Sandra turned up.
549
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,279
Sandra, your sister?
What, just by chance?
550
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,439
No, she knew. She suspected something.
551
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:03,539
How come?
552
00:28:03,563 --> 00:28:05,239
I don't know. She's
always been like that.
553
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:06,679
- How spooky.
- Diabolical.
554
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:07,720
Fiendish.
555
00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:13,399
- Anyway, it's not all bad news.
- No?
556
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,319
No, Phil has promised
to put me on the payroll
557
00:28:15,320 --> 00:28:17,379
- as long as I stay out of trouble.
- The payroll?
558
00:28:17,380 --> 00:28:19,340
Yeah, it's... pocket money.
559
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:23,799
So what about that beer, then, huh?
560
00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,680
Yeah, yeah, why not?
561
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:35,199
Uh, you couldn't see your way
to lending me a tenner, could you?
562
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,679
Uh, well, I've only got...
I've only got five, Bob.
563
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,999
Yeah, well, that'll do for now.
564
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:44,439
So... is Phil rich?
565
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,399
Squillions.
566
00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:47,959
So what's he doing here?
567
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:50,279
Yeah, that's what I'd like to know.
568
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,880
He used to work for the Secret Service.
569
00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,439
You are kidding.
570
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,760
Mmm - and I think that the Russians
might be after him.
571
00:28:58,810 --> 00:29:03,360
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