All language subtitles for Hogans Heroes s02e19 Praise the and Pass the Ammunition.eng

ANNOUNCER:
CBS presents this program in color.

( theme song playing )

Looks like the ruddy Krauts

are on their way
to a costume party.

The elite SS--
animals!

Colonel Deutsch,
I'm Colonel Klink.

This is indeed
a great honor.

I know.

To have one of the truly
great war heroes

right here in Stalag 13
is a personal honor for me.

You know, I've heard
so much about you, sir.

I cannot say the
same about you.

What would they
be doing here?

Maybe they came
to capture us again.

Very thorough,
the Germans.

Sir, to what do I owe
this great honor?

A warning, Klink.

Tomorrow my regiment
will be conducting

training exercises nearby,
and I want you to keep

all your personnel
out of the area.

Sir, I can assure you
there will be no interference.

Schultz, notify the guards.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

So,

those are the pigs
in your pigpen, huh?

( chuckles ):
Well, I suppose, if you want to call it that.

DEUTSCH:
Tell me something.

Do the swine ever give you
any trouble, eh?

KLINK:
Colonel Deutsch, in over 200 attempts,

we have never had
a successful escape from Stalag 13.

Uh-huh. I never
worry about prisoners.

I never take any.

You don't?

I like my enemy
only one way.

Dead.

Colonel!
What are you...

( Deutsch laughing )

Oh, Colonel, you seem
to have dropped something.

My compliments, Colonel.

That is one of the grenades

we will be using
in our war games.

Tell me something,
how did you know it was a blank?

Easy. If it were a live grenade,

you would've been
the first to run.

You see, both you and I know

you're not a member
of a superrace.

After our war games,

I shall teach you respect
for the SS.

I doubt it.

KLINK:
Medic!

Medic! Get him off me!

( Klink gasping )

Sir, you did us proud
out there.

KINCH:
Yeah, you really told those smug supermen.

All right, hold it,
let's give credit where credit's due.

It was a beautiful
practical joke.

But we may have
the last laugh.

If you have a nasty plan
for them, count us in.

The war games
they're having tomorrow.

I see casualties,
lots of casualties.

Casualties in war games?

Aw, a few get hurt,
sir, but...

I see a lot more
than a few.

You want us to take on
a whole SS regiment?

No. We let them
take on each other.

Now, picture, if you will,

the fascinating consequences
if this dummy ammunition

used in the war games
is sprinkled

with a goodly amount
of the real McCoy.

Hey, that's a
smashing idea!

It sure is!
When they start going boom-boom,

they really go
boom-boom!

Sort of a do-it-yourself
massacre.

Colonel Hogan,
you're a genius,

a diabolical genius.

In school, I was voted the Most
Likely to Be a Troublemaker.

But, sir, I think
it's a brilliant idea,

but I do have
one small question.

How do we pull it off?
Right.

All right.
We're gonna heist

some live ammunition
from the camp arsenal, Check.

haul it to the SS ammo dump,
make the switch, Check.

and be back
before roll call.

Your check just bounced.

Whenever we have
visiting brass,

Klink always tightens security
and doubles the guard.

You know, Kinch,
that's what I hate about you.

Every time I start rolling,
you make sense.

They just doubled the guard.

We need
a diversion.

What's going on here?

LeBEAU:
We were just playing ring-around-the-rosy.

What is ring-around-the-rosy?

It's a code name,
Schultz, for a secret allied operation.

No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to hear anything.

I hear nothing!

We had enough trouble today

with those crazy SS
and the hand grenade. No!

I'm here on, um,
personal business.

Oh? What can we do
for you, Schultz?

I would like to buy a gift.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

Newkirk, what do
we got in stock?

Well, uh,

is this for a
man or a lady?

A man.

Ooh...
Yeah, what about

something nice
in a watch?

No. He has a watch.

He's got a watch, eh?

Hold on, hold on.

Ah. Cigarette lighter.
Look at this.

"To H.G., from J.G."

"To H.G., from J.G."

What does it mean?

Uh, to Hermann Goring,
from Joseph Goebbels.

How did you get it?

Well, it was a mad
weekend I was spending at Berchtesgaden.

The wine...
No, thank you.

I am not interested
in a lighter.

How about a
wallet, Schultz? No.

A fountain pen?
No.

Tie clip?
No.

Hey, Schultz,
how would these suit you?

You don't see
bookends around as handsome as these.

Oh... ja, I like that.

How much?

Well, they're
five dollars,

but, well, you could
have them for $3.98.

I'll take it. Here.

One, two, three, four.

You can keep the two cents
as a tip.

You're all heart.

You want them
gift-wrapped?

No, thank you,
I'll do it myself.

Oh, that will look nice
on Commandant Klink's desk.

Oh, Schultz,
Colonel Klink?

Ja. He has birthday today.

That's funny--
he didn't tell me.

Why should he tell you?
( chuckles )

A dear friend you are not.

You know, he's right.

A dear friend I'm not--
but I'm gonna be.

What do you mean,
Colonel?

Gentlemen, I think we have
just found our diversion.

Make sure that goes
right out, hmm?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Oh, hi, Hilda.

HILDA:
Guten Tag, Colonel. Colonel Hogan?

Starlight Mist?

Ja, that's right.

What can I do for you,
Colonel Hogan?

You usually wear
Fragrance of Paradise

or Evening Passion.

I never thought
you noticed.

Colonel Hogan!

Just a minute, sir.

You know, I like
Fragrance of Paradise

and Evening Passion,
but this one's the best yet.

It's a little bit
strong, but it has a delicate, soft quality.

Don't you agree,
Colonel Klink?

Well, personally,
I prefer Fragrance of Paradise.

You see,
it's not quite so heavy and...

Hogan, whatever kind of perfume

my secretary wears
is none of your concern.

Now, state your business!

No business, sir.

Just dropped by
to offer you congratulations.

Congratulations
for what?

I heard it was
your birthday. Yes, it is.

How many years has
it been today, sir?

Now, that's none
of your business.

Let me guess.

I'd say 38 years.

( chuckles ):
So, uh, you think I'm 38 years old, huh?

Thirty-seven?

Today I am 50 years old.

You're kidding!

That is right.

Oh, I'd never guess it
to look at you.

Oh, it doesn't
surprise me that

I'm such a youthful-
looking man.

That is the way
we Germans live.

A healthy mind
and a healthy...

body.

I, uh, I guess you
have discovered

the-the, uh, secret
of eternal youth.

Thank you, Hogan.

Yeah, uh, the men and
I were talking, sir,

and, uh, we'd like
to make sure that

your birthday celebration
is a memorable one.

Why would you want
to do something for me,

your most hated enemy?

Hated enemy, true,

but an enemy
we've learned to respect

for the fearsome man
that you are.

Oh, that's very touching,
Colonel Hogan,

but, uh, I'm afraid
there won't be a celebration.

I cannot afford
to let down my vigilance

even for one minute.

Now, uh... I may allow myself

to have a quiet dinner

with a few members
of my staff, perhaps...

a glass of wine,
a birthday toast,

but then, back to work we go.

There go our big plans.

Uh, wait, Hogan!

What, uh...

"big plans" did you
have in mind, eh?

Oh, we were going to put
on a show, just for you.

A show?
Yeah, yeah.

Oh, now, wait, wait.

Wait, Hogan.

You were going to put
on a show just for me?

As you said, you've got
a camp to take care of

so you can't let down
your guard one minute.

Oh, wait, Hogan. Wait.

I don't think I would be
letting down my guard

if I permitted this show.

No, your men would be
right under my nose

all night long.

What possible mischief
could they cause?

You're right, sir.

I never looked
at it that way.

Very well, Hogan.

If you are so anxious
to honor me, I, I think

it would be ungracious
of me not to accept.

The men would welcome the
opportunity to please you, sir.

I would like to invite

Colonel Deutsch here
for the festivities.

Oh, he would never come.

I don't think he
likes me very much.

That's hard to believe, sir.

You know... I bet, uh...

he'd come if Hilda went
with a personal invitation.

After all, she's
wearing Starlight Mist.

Yes.

And he'd probably
welcome the chance

for an evening
of relaxation.

Might even put in a good word
for you at the High Command.

Hogan, that is a splendid idea.

This whole evening could
become quite a diversion.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

All right, now,
the main thing

is to keep them entertained
till the job is done.

We don't want our audience
walking out on us.

I will personally
hold them spellbound

with my repertoire
of songs, dances

and snappy patter.

I can hardly wait.

The main thing is,
keep them entertained

till I get back.

Uh-oh. Bad
news, Colonel.

Sergeant Richter's
in charge

of the guard detail
at the arsenal tonight.

Old Ironsides.

There goes
our timetable.

We'll have to make sure
there's a change in the guard.

Who do we get?

Schultz.
Schultz. Schultz.

Schultz.

Where did you get this?

Oh, I found it
over there

lying on the ground.

We do not keep bullets
lying on the ground.

I found it over there.

You did not!

We are a very
neat army.

You have any more?

No, that was the only
one over there.

( growling )

There was nothing else there.

Newkirk...

How did I know the blooming
bullet could breed?

Now, Colonel Hogan,

I hold you completely
responsible for this.

Where did you get
this ammunition?

I warn you, we have
ways to make you talk.

Sir, you've been seeing
too many war movies.

Silence! Now, where did
you get these bullets?

( sighs )

Oh, all right, he got
them from the arsenal.

Arsenal?

Our arsenal?

I think it was yours, sir.

There was a German guard
standing in front of it.

Newkirk, how'd you
get past the guard?

He was dozing, sir.

Schultz!

Who's guarding
the arsenal?

Sergeant Richter.

Have him report
to me immediately.

How dare he
sleep on duty!

HOGAN:
He'll deny it, of course.

Colonel Hogan, just
leave the handling

of my men to me.

Your involvement in this
little escapade is over,

and, unfortunately
for you, it has

ended in failure.

Yeah, no thanks
to old eagle-eye Schultz.

With him around, we can't
get away with anything.

Schultz! Until
further notice,

you are assigned
to the arsenal.

I'll miss your
birthday party.

Dismissed.

Happy birthday.

I'll miss the birthday party

and I'll miss the cake
when I'm guarding...

Colonel Hogan.

Causing such trouble
on my birthday--

I don't think
that's very nice.

You know, sometimes
I just hate myself.

Achtung!

And imagine, I was just
going to have a simple dinner

and these fellows have decided
to do a whole complete show

just for me.

Isn't that wonderful?

I hope these seats
are comfortable.

Yes?

( applause and cheers )

Hold it down.

Come on, pipe down.

Show's just about to begin.

( accordion playing
sprightly tune )

* Hello! *
* Hello!

* We hope you'll like our show *

* We hope...
* We hope...

* We hope...
* We hope...

* We hope you like our show

* The show *

* You know *

* Is for you Colonel Klink

* A toast... *
* A toast...

* A toast... *
* A toast...

* A happy birthday drink

* We'll sing

* And joke *

* And entertain you folk *

* You'll laugh *

* Scream
* Cry * Sigh

* And absolutely die!

* So please don't go *

* Please stay and see our show *

* We hope...
* We hope...

* We hope...
* We hope...

* Stay and see our show! *

( applause )

( whistles and cheers )

Weren't they marvelous?

You didn't think
it was funny?

Wagner, it was not.

Evening, lady and gents.

Now you're probably
all wondering

what we're doing here gathered
in the middle of Germany.

Well, now I can tell you.

We've been captured.

I must say,
that's very funny.

It's not, no.

I shall now give you my world
famous impersonations of...

Sidney Greenstreet, Peter Lorre
and Humphrey Bogart

in a scene
from any of their films.

Sidney's the first one
to speak.

Are you game, sir?

I really can't.

( as Bogart ):
Well, it's pretty hard to refuse

when the invitation is engraved
on a .45 automatic.

( laughing )

( as Lorre ):
I asked you to come along quietly, didn't I?

( as Greenstreet ):
Wilmer, Wilmer, I told you no guns, sir.

( as Lorre ):
Yes, I know, but...

( as Greenstreet ):
Shut up, Wilmer.

Tell me, sir.

Do you wish
to ask me a question?

( as Lorre ):
Yes, sir. Might...

( as Greenstreet ):
Wilmer!

( as Bogart ):
Yeah, I got a question for you, fatso.

Sprechen ze Deutsche?

( as Greenstreet ):
Fluently, sir, fluently.

( as Bogart ):
Then dropenze dead.

( laughter )

And now, on with our show,
the first act of the evening,

an international star,
the toast of Paris,

Corporal Louis LeBeau.

Let's hear it.

( band playing )

Uh, if you'll
excuse me,

I'll check how things
are going backstage.

* Alouette, gentil alouette

* Alouette, je te plumerai

* Je te plumerai la tête *

* Je te plumerai
la tête *

* Je te plumerai les yeux *

* Je te plumerai
les yeux... *

It's going to take
some doing, you know, sir,

keeping that Colonel Deutsch
happy for two hours.

I mean, if our boys
start tossing things,

it's only insulting,

but if, but if he
doesn't like the show,

he's going to start
tossing hand grenades.

Better go do
your magic act.

Keep it rolling.

Don't worry, sir.

We'll stand on our
heads if we have to.

You're a credit
to show biz.

* Je te plumerai le bec

* Je te plumerai
le bec *

* Je te plumerai le cou

* Je te plumerai
le cou *

* Et la tête *
* Et la tête *

* Et les yeux *
* Et les yeux

* Et le bec
* Et le bec

* Et le cou *

* Et le cou

* Oh... Alouette,
gentil alouette *

* Alouette, je te plumerai

* Oh... Alouette,
gentil alouette... *

* Oh, Alouette,
je te plumerai.... *

Hey, Schultz.

Halt. Who goes there?

The Kaiser.

The Kaiser...

Hey, trigger-happy,
it's only me.

Yeah, what are
you doing here?

I thought you were
at the show.

I felt terrible about you
missing the festivities,

so I brought you
a piece of cake.

Oh, they cut the
cake already?

No, not yet-- I
snitched you a piece.

They had a figure
of Hitler's face,

and right in the corner,

I snitched off a piece
of the mustache.

Nobody will ever notice.

Oh, it looks beautiful!

I'll save it for later.

Why later? Eat it now.

Come on, relax.

I'm on duty.

What can happen?

The boys are
at the show.

Come on, they can't
cause you any trouble.

Sit down.

Well, I'm-I'm a
little bit hungry.

You always are, Schultz.

Mmm...

* Alouette, alouette, alouette

* Je te plumerai,
te plumerai, te plumerai *

* Te plumerai, te plumerai,
te plumerai, te plumerai... *

( applause )

Well, Schultz,

I better be getting back.

It was nice having
this chat with you.

Thank you, Colonel Hogan,
this... is wunderbar!

That's the way I am.

I worry about
people, Schultz.

Good night.

Good night.

NEWKIRK ( in distance ):
Will you look

in your right-hand
jacket pocket right now, sir.

You will find a card there,
which you selected, sir,

and I believe that card was...

the seven of diamonds.

Am I correct, sir?

Show the crowd, then, please.

( audience cheering )

He's rather
good, you know.

Klink...

All these years
in the rear echelon

have not only
softened your body,

they have softened
your brain.

He is terrible.

Yes, sir, actually,
he's terrible,

when you begin
to analyze it.

I think I have had
just about enough

of this kinderspiel.

Uh, un moment, sir.

Please, you're
leaving before

my world-famous
hat trick, sir.

I've been saving
this for you.

Now, I'll need
one gent's hat.

May I, sir?
Of course, not, Newkirk!

Oh, give him
your hat, Klink.

Huh?
If you'll just

hold it
like this, sir.

Now, please notice,
here I have

one chicken's egg.

Eins...

Voilà.

Zwei. Two.

May I, sir?

( grunts )

Covering
with a colorful kerchief...

all a part
of the act, sir.

Open the gates for
Colonel Deutsch.

Don't stand there. Schnell!

Eins, zwei, drei, vier.

Make both those eggs disappear.

Hocus-pocus,
fish bones choke us.

I call upon...

the seven-year locust.

And I believe, sir,
you will find

that the eggs are gone
and your hat is clean.

Voilà.

( laughs )

Now, now, that
I like, very much.

Newkirk, how dare you!

All right! Come on!

Let's go! We've got work to do!

Move it!

Schnell!

( playing fanfare )

They got a cake
just for me.

Happy birthday, sir!

Happy birthday, sir!

Happy birthday.

Oh, it is a beautiful cake,
gentlemen. Beautiful.

Make a wish, sir,
and then blow them out.

Yes, sir.

Very well.

( nervous laughter )

Klink, you are a disgrace

to the physical fitness
of the German army.

I don't understand, sir, I...

You'll blow your
brains out, sir.

They'll stay lit.

They're trick candles.

Trick candles?

Oh, we knew you'd
enjoy it, sir,

with your marvelous
sense of humor.

All right, fellows,
let's hear it!

* For he's a jolly good fellow *

* For he's a jolly
good fellow *

* For he's a jolly good fellow

* Which nobody can deny.

( knocking )

Come in.

You wanted to
see me, Colonel?

Ah, Colonel Hogan.

I just want to thank you
again for last night.

Oh, our pleasure.

I truly enjoyed myself,

and I hope that
Colonel Deutsch

got something out of it.

I'm quite sure
he did, sir.

( phone ringing )

Colonel Klink speaking.

What?

What?!

Oh, that's terrible.

Yes, of course.

We will do everything
in our power.

Yes, sir.

Heil Hitler.

( pounding phone receiver )

Get me the hospital
right away.

This is Colonel Klink speaking.

I want you to get
every bit of supply

to the war games
area immediately.

No, don't ask any questions.

Just do what I said.

Something wrong, sir?

A terrible tragedy
just happened at the war games.

Some live ammunition

got mixed up with blanks.

Oh, it must
have been horrible.

A shame. Was that
Colonel Deutsch calling?

Our entire command post
was wiped out by a live grenade.

A live grenade?

One of our crack SS units

was completely
put out of commission.

You know, Hogan, if you
hadn't been so nice to me

and put on that
show last night,

I would suspect
you might have had

something to do with this.

On your birthday?

I would like to buy
another gift.

This time it is for my
brother-in-law back home.

Always glad
to do business, Schultz,

especially
with a steady customer.

Does he drink beer?

( laughing )

Does he drink beer?

( laughing )

All the time.

( laughing )

Got just
the thing for you.

Newkirk, get out
that new beer stein we just got in.

Yes, sir.

You'll love it,
Schultz, it's beautiful.

Here you are, Schultz.

It's an heirloom.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Ah... Oh, he
would like th...

What's the matter, Schultz?
Something wrong?

Oh, it has
initials on it.

"A.H." A...

Does it mean...

Adolph... H-H-Hitler?

Yeah, it's from
his private collection,

and for today only,
Schultz, you can have it

for the ridiculous
low price...

Hey! You know,
I am going to send

my brother-in-law money.

Let him buy whatever he wants.

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