All language subtitles for Wild Wild West S01E23 The Night of the Two-Legged Buffalo.DVDRip.NonHI.cc.en.CBS

This place charges $200 a day

for room and board
and taking a mud bath?

Yeah, but it's very special mud.

And besides, they
don't allow any tipping.

You're expecting
the crown prince

of the South Sea Coral Islands.

Oh, yes, sir, suite A.

We've had it redecorated

especially to please
His Royal Highness.

Fine.

My name is Roger Colby.

Oh, yes, Mr. Colby,
we got your message

that you'd be arriving
before His Highness.

We put you right next to him...

Suite B... as you requested.

Thank you.

Allow me to show
you to your suite.

Oh, that won't be necessary.

I'd like to look around
if you don't mind.

Oh, very well, sir.

Through the back
garden, the balcony...

The very last hacienda.

Oh! I'm terribly sorry.

It was my fault.

No, really, it was
awfully clumsy of me.

I'm sorry.

No, it was my fault.

That's one of the nice
things about silver.

It's very practical.
It doesn't break.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you for the use of your
magazine, Count Duchamps.

I'm so happy you
have enjoyed it, Count.

So, that's James West.

He doesn't seem
very formidable, huh?

So you noticed.

I never miss a thing.

It seems such a shame
to waste two of us on him.

Oh, you're being greedy, Victor.

You want him all to yourself.

Well, as a matter of
fact, neither one of us

will have to bother with him

if everything goes as planned.

And why shouldn't it?

Uh, my dear Count,

would you care to join me

for a view of the sunset?

I hear it would be
most formidable.

I'd be delighted.

It Is 2:00, Lady Beatrice.

Would you care to join me

in an aperitif before tea?

Oh, you know I don't take
spirits, Monsieur Duchamps.

Thank you very
much all the same.

Count Vittorio, aperitif?

Um, no, no, no.

Perhaps a little mineral water.

Do you think it
will work, Victor?

It has to, Boojie.

But from all reports, West
is a very thorough man.

The first thing he would do

would be to inspect
the prince's suite.

It's probably all over by now.

Who's going to find the body?

I believe the Lady Beatrice

should bring flowers
to the prince's rooms.

She'll find it.

Oh, the poor girl.

I do hope she doesn't faint.

She's... she's so fragile.

So it's farewell to Mr. West.

And hello to luxury

and all the things a great
deal of money can buy.

Once we have the
prince safely in our hands.

How do the Americans say it?

It's in the bag, old boy.

You know, I've never
had a million dollars before.

It must be a... a... a
perfectly splendid feeling.

"Under... no...
circumstances... alarm... prince...

"but... he... is... not...
to... come... to... spa.

His... life... in... danger."

Talking to yourself,
my dear Artemus?

Uh, why, yes, Your Highness,

a habit I acquired during
those lonely nights on the prairie.

Well, I, too, talk a
great deal to myself.

In fact it's the only
conversation I truly enjoy.

Ooh, breakfast!

Mmm.

Uh, it's past 2:00 in the
afternoon, Your Highness.

I enjoy an early breakfast.

Mmm.

I can't tell you how glad I am

my staff went on ahead
to your Washington, D.C.,

with all our barbarous,
uh... uh, native food...

Um, poi, uh, sea
slugs, raw fish, ooh...

And the ridiculous
native costumes.

Papa insists I wear
them in your White House.

Uh, tell me, Your Highness,

do you always wear
that much jewelry?

Oh, only when I'm
away from home.

You see, jewels
are a sign of vanity,

and your American missionaries

have quite filled
my poor papa's head

with preachments
against vanity, mmm.

Oh, what a relief it
is to be human again.

Mmm... mmm.

I'm so glad you

and James met
me in San Francisco

and we can sneak
off on this lark together

and then we can go on to
see your President Grant.

Uh, well, my, uh, government
just wants to be sure

that your visit is a pleasant
one, Your Highness.

Mm-hmm, but tell me, Artemus,

why... why did
James go on ahead,

and why does he
want us to pretend

that he's a... a
Mr. Roger Colby?

Well, you know how
it is, Your Highness.

A young bachelor,
exclusive resort...

He wants to be first
with the beautiful girls.

Actually, I've been
there, you know,

and it's nothing
like that at all.

It's deadly dull.

Dull? But it's the most
expensive resort in the world.

I've wanted to
visit it for years.

Dull, dull, deadly dull.

I just thought.

I know a place in
San Francisco...

Wonderful food, superb wines,

the most beautiful
women in the world.

Why don't we turn
around and go there, huh?

You'll have the
time of your life.

Impossible, my dear boy.

You see, I've already
engaged their mountain lodge

for the fortnight by myself.

I plan to do some hunting.

Oh, no, Your Highness,
the food there is just awful.

Nothing but fat.

Uh, so are the women.

Mmm, but I love fat women.

You see, in my country,

the fatter a woman is,
the more admired she is,

uh, for the simple reason that
there's so much more to love,

don't you see?

Well, that's perfect.

In San Francisco
all the women are...

Oh, you've got to
come there with me.

You'll love it.

You've got to.

Artemus, all my
life, my dear papa

and his missionary friends

have told me what to
like and what not to like,

as if I didn't have any
mind whatsoever of my own.

Now... please don't
be like that, hmm?

It isn't that, Your Highness.

I was just trying to make sure

that you knew what San
Francisco had to offer:

theater, opera...

Artemus, Artemus, Artemus...

I'm afraid I must
confess to you...

I did not want to
come on this trip.

My father insisted we be
friendly to the Americans.

But I would be less
than honest with you

if I did not admit to you

that I find most Americans

thoroughly dull,
vulgar and common.

Now, Artemus, unless you
let me have my own way,

I feel I must go on home,

and the treaty between our
countries will not be signed.

And that would disappoint
your president very much,

don't you think?

Yes, it would, Your
Highness, very much.

Then, so much for that.

Now, I think I shall take
a long soak in the tub.

You see, I've never been
on a buffalo hunt before.

I would be terribly heartbroken

if I... missed one.

We always seem to be
bumping into each other,

Miss... um, Miss...

Beatrice.

Lady Beatrice
Marquand-Gaynesford.

How do you do?

My name is Roger Colby.

I'm terribly sorry
if I startled you.

Oh, it's just that
I didn't expect

to find anyone in here.

I must say, my heart
is quite in my throat.

Oh, would you like some wine

to wash it down
to its proper place?

Oh...

No, no, thank you.

I, uh...

I just came to bring
these flowers to the prince.

The management gave me the key.

Are you a friend of the prince?

No, no, I've never seen
him in my life before.

But, uh... it seemed to be

the nice thing to do, what?

Yes, very nice thing to do.

Are you a friend of the prince?

Yes.

What is he like?

Charming.

And a rascal with the ladies.

Oh...

Really, is he?

Tell me, um, does he have...

Does he have a wife?

Yes, dozens of them.

Well, I think I better get
back to my crocheting.

You... bungler!

You stupid, nincompoop,
nitwitted bungler!

Bea, I...

And as for you,

you're going to get
rid of West tonight,

and you're going to do it right

or I'll cut out your tongue!

A most determined woman.

But after all, old boy,

we can't do a deuced
thing about the prince

until West is out of the way.

Somehow it makes checkers
ever so much more fun

when one plays with
diamonds and rubies.

Don't you think?

Oh, yes.

Your move.

Uh, yes, sir.

Uh, tell me, Your Highness,

don't you ever worry

carting all that jewelry
around with you?

I... I mean, there are
such things as, uh...

Is it broken?

We're stopping.

I'd better check.

Hold it.

Turn around.

Get moving... we
haven't got all day.

Come on!

You put those
down, they're mine.

Shut up.

We'll take you with us.

You're probably worth
more than the jewelry is.

Come on, keep moving!

You all right?

I don't know.

Where's the prince?

Yeah, that's what I mean.

Ooh... They... they took him

along with the jewels.

Bandits.

Did you get a good look at them?

Nah, they were masked.

Well, it's too dark
to go after them now.

It'll have to wait
until morning.

We can't, Jim.

They're expecting him
at that resort tonight.

If word gets out that
he's been kidnapped,

you know what that'll
mean... No treaty.

Where do you suggest we
look for them in the dark?

We've got to do something.

Of course we have
to do something.

No prince, no place to turn.

But of course
there is, dear boy.

Artie, are you all right?

James, my boy, the
most marvelous inspiration

has just come to me.

You had a bad
clout on the head...

You're not yourself.

James, the prince
is going to show up

at that resort tonight.

You'll never get away with it.

You wouldn't like to
make a wager on that,

would you, old boy?

Come on, Jim,

it's the only thing we can do.

I don't know.

Look, you know as well as I do

that king may happen
to like Americans now,

but he's only been civilized
for the past 20 years.

Now, that's a very thin crust;

underneath, he's still a savage.

If anything happened to his son

during his visit
here, he'll revert.

He'll massacre every missionary,

every man, woman
and child on that island.

Now, Jim, you know

we've got over a
hundred people there.

You know there is someone

waiting at that resort
to kill the prince?

I know it.

All right, Artie,
it's your neck.

Done.

I... I know how you feel

about my deliberately
exposing myself

to would-be assassins.

Well, at least I think
I know how you feel.

Although come to think of it,

you didn't put up your
usual arguments this time.

As a matter of fact, you didn't
give me any arguments at all.

You set me up
for this, didn't you?

You conned me into volunteering.

Artie, how can you think that?

And I bit like a hungry fish.

Like a very hungry
fish... Your Highness.

You know something?

I got a big mouth!

I do hope nothing
untoward has happened.

Do not worry, dear lady.

Time is for the ordinary people.

Yes, but three hours late.

You are becoming

like an American, Lady Beatrice.

Time, time, time, always time.

Sometimes I think that for them

the universe is
a great big clock

that God winds up every morning.

Blasphemy, Count Vittorio.

Shame on you.

Mi scusi.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Crown Prince
of the Coral Island.

Your Highness, this is
an unparalleled honor.

Ah... yes, thank you,
thank you so much.

Frightfully good of
you, awfully good of you.

His Highness is very tired;
he's had a long journey.

Wishes all of you a
very good evening.

Oh, we understand.

Indeed, we understand.

Uh, please, please, let's
not stand on formality.

Ah...

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

shall we all retire to
the gaming tables?

What's our hurry?

They're serving champagne.

Not right now, Your Highness.

Well, can't we play a
little roulette or something?

I'm wearing my lucky molar.

Yeah, but it's
got a cavity in it.

Well, at least get
me a drink, then.

I'm freezing to death in this.

As long as you
have a warm heart.

I think we should leave
right now, Your Highness.

Oh, thank you.

Well, Bea, just say the word.

We're ready.

That man is not the prince.

Thanks to you, West
is on his guard now,

you bungling lout!

Listen, I may have
volunteered, but not for this.

You get me some decent clothes.

Whose, the prince's?

They wouldn't fit.

Oh, these things,
they're ridiculous.

Artie, it's very colorful.

Blue, that's the color, blue...

I'll die of pneumonia.

If you're going to die,
blue's a lovely color.

Here, you may need this.

Oh, thanks.

Where are you going?

You want your pants
back, don't you?

Yeah.

I watched you play tonight.

Your luck was very poor,

but now that I'm here

perhaps your luck
has gotten better.

Monsieur, I really...

Please, please!

Really, monsieur, please!

Would you... please stop it!

Excuse me.

Oh, Mr. Colby...

Everything's all right.

It's all right, ma'am.

He was trying to
take advantage of me.

Well, no one is going to take

advantage of anyone, believe me.

I do believe you.

Feel better?

I'm so frightened.

I wish I were back in England.

Would you...

Would you see me to my suite?

Of course.

I'm so frightened.

Don't be.

Come on.

A glass of cool water
might calm you down.

Oh, no.

No, thank you.

I'm all right.

But please do help
yourself to a drink.

There's some
whiskey in the decanter

over there, I believe.

Do you care to join me?

No, no.

I don't take hard spirits.

The decanter was left there

by the people who
had this suite before me.

I was going to pour it out.

Lucky for me you didn't.

I'm very grateful

that you appeared
when you did, Mr. Colby.

Who was that man?

Monsieur Duchamps?

Oh, he's a Frenchman.

Very wealthy
Frenchman, I'm afraid.

The banking houses the
Rothschilds don't own, he owns.

He was very fond
of you, to put it mildly.

To you, lovely lady.

May your future be brighter
and even more interesting.

Thanks to you, I feel
much safer already.

Do you know that
Mr. Duchamps thinks

that money can buy
everything, including people?

You have no... no money?

Aristocracy does not always
mean wealth, Mr. Colby.

Indeed, good breeding is
often enhanced by poverty.

I have two maiden aunts,
both poor, both duchesses,

who are the very
quintessence of delicacy.

Quite ethereal, quite pale.

Close the door, you fool!

Well, whatever we do to him,

it will be much too easy.

There was enough
potion in that decanter

to keep him
unconscious for hours.

You have the key?

Mmm.

Such a dirty way to go.

Oh, Victor, I've done many
favors for you in the past...

Grant me this one.

What?

Let me take care of him.

I'm sorry, Boojie.

When you've taken care of him,

I want you to come
right back here.

We are going to take
the so-called prince

to the mountain lodge
and have a little talk.

Well, it... it would only
take two or three minutes.

And Victor always dawdles so.

Do you dare talk back to me?

Oh, Bea, of course not.

Next time, Boojie...

I promise.

All right, get to work.

It's a wonder he didn't
clank when he walked.

Well, shall we get on with it?

Uh... can you manage
alone, old boy?

Oh, yes, yes.

Easy as pie.

Well, ta-ta, old chap.

See you at the mountain lodge.

Right you are.

It's open.

Oh, Your Highness,
please forgive my intrusion,

but I had to see you.

Oh, uh...

Oh, do get up.

But of course.

Of course.

I'm the Lady Beatrice
Marquand-Gaynesford.

Charmed.

How nice to meet one's own sort

in this barbarous country.

Oh.

I had brought these
flowers for you earlier.

Oh, thank you.

They're quite lovely.

Pretty is as pretty, uh... does.

Very pretty.

You're very kind.

Oh, I could be ever
so much kinder.

So then, what can I
do for you, my dear?

I have come to warn you.

I heard some men
talking in the garden.

They didn't see me, but I
fear that they mean you harm.

Harm? Harm? What sort of harm?

I don't know, but
I heard them say

that they will send here
an accomplice first...

A lady, I believe... To
take you off your guard by...

distracting you, as it were.

My dear Lady Beatrice,

I am much too much
a man of the world

to be taken in by
that sort of trick.

Oh, I know the kind
of lady you mean,

of course, but, uh... I can
recognize her from miles away.

There's no cause for fear.

Besides, I'm quite
armed, always.

We're quite safe here.

I was about to have

a bit of sherry.

Can I offer you a spot?

There won't be time.

Don't move or I'll shoot.

I don't think so.

It's not loaded.

But this is.

That thong is quite wet.

But it'll soon dry out.

Then it'll begin to burn

rather slowly, I'm afraid.

You know, you could save us all

a good deal of time
if you would tell us

where you've hidden
your friend, the prince.

I've already told you.

I don't know where he is.

Well, I have all the
patience in the world.

And this hunting
lodge is rather remote.

What a perfectly
marvelous sherry.

Dearest Bea, you
do think of everything.

Dear Bea, what if he
really doesn't know?

Boojie, he knows.

But with West dead and him dead,

how will we ever
find the prince?

Don't despair, Boojie.

It'll just be a matter of time.

Nobody wants to die.

It's burning sooner
than I thought it would.

You know, you don't
have too much time.

Look, if I knew, don't you
think I'd have told you?

I want to live as
much as you do.

Well, I must say,

you're certainly going
about it all the wrong way.

It's Victor.

Victor?

Here, Bea.

Uh, everything's all right.

Well, so much for
Mr. James West.

What have you done to him?

Oh, he's dead.

He met with an accident in
the mud baths at the resort.

Drowned, I believe.

And you don't have
very much more time.

Well, don't just
dawdle there, Victor.

Come on in.

Uh, Boojie, will you
help me with my saddle?

I've... had a nasty fall.

I've sprained my ankle.

Well, that can wait.

What about West?

What would you like to know?

Jim!

Put down that gun.

One stroke of this knife
and your friend here is dead.

I said put down that gun!

Disarm him, Boojie.

All of you, against the wall.

Facing the wall, please.

Watch it, Jim!

Watch what, Artemus?

Those were the two

who slugged me and
kidnapped the prince.

Artemus, your powers of
observation are remarkable.

Your Highness!

His Highness has been here

since I had him
kidnapped off the train.

You had him kid...?

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted them to come after you

and I thought you'd be
safer if you really didn't know.

Ooh.

I must say,

you look perfectly charming

in my feathered cloak, Artemus.

Oh, thank you.

You can go now.

We can handle it.

Thank you very much.

Who are these people, James?

Lady Beatrice and her playmates.

Hmm.

Why would they
want to do me harm?

I think they wanted it to look
like Americans had done it.

There's someone in your
country very close to your father

who doesn't want
that treaty signed.

He hired them.

A traitor? But
this is incredible.

I can't believe it.

Who? Who?

That's what I'm
going to find out.

Who hired you, Lady Beatrice?

Please don't be so
harsh with them, James.

Bea, take his gun.

You see, my dear James, I
am that traitor you spoke of.

But don't worry, you
will both die as heroes.

When I return
home, I shall tell Papa

that you and Artemus were killed

trying to save me from
horrid American bandits.

My three friends here saved me.

Thanks to you,
everything worked out

just the way I wanted it to.

Feather capes!

It's a wonder every bird in
the world hasn't frozen to death.

Well, it could be worse...
You could be molting.

Very funny, very funny.

Say, uh...

you would... you wouldn't happen

to have a picklock
on you, would you?

Uh-uh, it was in my coat.

But I don't think
we'll be needing it.

Guests are arriving.

Outside, please.

Ah, here we are.

There's nothing like
a good bottle of wine

to start a new day, is there?

Well, then, to the hunt!

What hunt?

Oh, didn't Bea tell you?

I'm having a hunt this
morning all to myself.

After all, it's really
why I came, isn't it?

To my buffalo hunt.

Oh, but you're not
drinking your wine.

Perhaps after the hunt.

After the hunt?

After the hunt?

Oh, James.

How can one not help liking you?

You are so... so
droll, so humorous.

"After the hunt."

Somehow it doesn't
sound that funny to me.

He has a very unspoiled
sense of humor.

Somewhere I heard
of hunting buffalo

from horseback with a lance.

I think I should like that.

Diverting, don't you think?

Mmm, mmm.

Dear Bea, when I return home,

be sure I take along cases
and cases of this lovely wine.

Of course.

Won't the missionaries
disapprove?

I'm afraid they'll have

many more important
things to disapprove of.

You're going to kill
all of them, aren't you?

Oh, not I, James.

Papa will.

After what you barbarous
Americans have done to me,

Papa will be uncontrollable.

And soon he will be gone

and I shall be king
to do whatever I like,

with no interference
from the outside.

Hmm.

But, Bea, you must see the
lance Boojie is making for me.

It's wonderful.

Come.

Back inside.

You know what
he's talking about,

his buffalo hunt?

Yeah, I know.

What have you got there?

Something no self-respecting
buffalo should be without.

Now, hold it.

I think I shall start
with that buffalo.

Here.

They're too spread out.

I'll try and draw them together.

Good luck.

All right, get in there.

Tallyho!

Very good, my
two-legged buffalo.

Very agile, very quick!

Tallyho!

Tallyho!

Good show, Your Highness.

Almost got him that time.

Now, Artie!

Hold it!

You touch that gun and he dies.

Now, over there.

It doesn't matter
who kills him, does it?

He dies and your countrymen
are slaughtered on that island.

My, Bea, that
was quick thinking.

Oh, shut up.

Bea!

Get over there with them.

Get over there with them?

Whatever are you talking about?

Come on, do as I say.

She was going to kill
you, too, Your Highness.

Looks like you've hired
your own murderers.

What are they saying, Bea?

Do you think that I want
to spend the rest of my life

on that rotten island of yours?

But our plan.

She was going to
go along with you,

but just so far.

After we were
gotten out of the way,

she and her friends were going
to kill you, too, Your Highness.

But that's... why, it's...
it's cheating, it's dishonest.

It isn't even ladylike.

Do you think that I care

about that silly,
comic-opera kingdom of yours

and your childish
dreams of glory?

But what then?

What, what, what, what?

What is it that you
wanted from me, Bea?

The jewels, you idiot.

And I've got them now.

You can't mean
it, not the jewels.

They're fake.

Like everything else about him.

They're paste.

The jewels, they're paste!

You didn't really think
they were real, did you?

Is that true?

Are they?

Fake?! Paste?!

Well, answer me!

Yes, they're paste.

Why, you...

Ooh!

Don't you dare!

Put me... down!

You stop it!

Let me go!

Let me go!

Calm down, lady!

It's all over.

You...!

Oh, I... hate you!

You've just made my day.

Delightful.

Pâté aux truffes is my favorite.

Do you have any idea
how lucky you are?

By all rights, you
should be in jail.

Oh, come now, gentlemen,

divine right of kings
and all that rot, you know.

Besides, I couldn't sign a
treaty in jail, now, could I?

You tried to double-cross
your own father, kill me, and...

Artemus, you tell him.

Oh, no, not me.

It'd take me all day.

Trivia, trivia, gentlemen.

After all, I am a barbarian.

What do you expect?

I expect a treaty, signed,
sealed and delivered.

Mmm... the treaty, the
treaty... Such a bore.

All right, your government
shall have a treaty.

Your Highness, don't you
even feel a little remorse?

For what, my dear Artemus?

For doing what comes naturally

to a half-naked savage

from the South Seas?

You're lucky I didn't try to
cook you as well as kill you.

I wonder which of you is
real, the gourmet bon vivant

or the jolly lancer
on horseback.

I haven't decided yet, James,

but when I am king, as I soon
shall be, we can decide then.

Mmm, you will come

and visit me, won't you?

We could even hunt together.

Hunt what?

Well, I wouldn't dream
of telling you now.

I do adore surprise
endings, don't you?