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1
00:00:13,605 --> 00:00:17,165
[Ronnie] All right, 240, 245, and 250.
2
00:00:17,245 --> 00:00:18,845
It's all there. Good boy.
3
00:00:18,925 --> 00:00:20,725
Now here's your ticket,
4
00:00:20,805 --> 00:00:23,085
and Mr. Setra will meet you at the hotel.
5
00:00:23,165 --> 00:00:25,405
Go straight there.
Deliver the cash. Get out.
6
00:00:25,485 --> 00:00:27,165
No fucking about. You got it?
7
00:00:27,245 --> 00:00:29,725
Maybe time for a quick dip in the sea?
8
00:00:29,805 --> 00:00:33,085
You fuck this up,
I'll arrange a much longer dip for you.
9
00:00:34,885 --> 00:00:37,365
Jesus, Ronnie.
I was only making a joke.
10
00:00:37,444 --> 00:00:39,125
Well, in that case, so was I.
11
00:00:40,125 --> 00:00:41,125
Have a good trip.
12
00:00:47,885 --> 00:00:50,725
Hello. I've got a business trip
booked to Malta with you,
13
00:00:50,805 --> 00:00:52,725
and I wanted to see if I could book seats
14
00:00:52,805 --> 00:00:54,045
for the rest of my family.
15
00:00:54,125 --> 00:00:57,725
My name's Vincent Swan, Dr. Vincent Swan.
16
00:00:57,805 --> 00:00:59,485
Great.
17
00:00:59,565 --> 00:01:02,245
Also I'm speaking at a medical conference,
18
00:01:02,325 --> 00:01:05,125
and I could use a few hours
on the flight to prepare.
19
00:01:05,205 --> 00:01:07,645
Is there any chance
of a business-class upgrade?
20
00:01:08,765 --> 00:01:10,805
No, just the one seat would be fine.
21
00:01:12,325 --> 00:01:13,965
If Ronnie's gonna treat me like a mule,
22
00:01:14,045 --> 00:01:16,845
I'm gonna make damn sure
I get a kick out of it.
23
00:01:16,925 --> 00:01:23,845
♪ They exchanged a look... ♪
24
00:01:23,925 --> 00:01:26,005
That's the craziest shit I've ever heard.
25
00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:28,725
I know. Can you believe
that Machiavellian bitch Jo
26
00:01:28,805 --> 00:01:31,845
engineered the whole thing
just to get one over on Vincent?
27
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,285
What? No, not that.
28
00:01:33,365 --> 00:01:35,125
The fact that Sam found you attractive.
29
00:01:35,205 --> 00:01:36,285
Thanks very much.
30
00:01:36,365 --> 00:01:37,925
Oh, come on, mate.
She's gorgeous,
31
00:01:38,005 --> 00:01:41,845
and you, you're like
a completely different species.
32
00:01:41,925 --> 00:01:43,725
Now, l-let me get this straight.
33
00:01:43,805 --> 00:01:45,685
You were the one who wouldn't commit?
34
00:01:45,765 --> 00:01:46,765
Can we change the subject?
35
00:01:46,845 --> 00:01:50,085
I mean, you have looked at yourself
in the mirror before, right?
36
00:01:50,165 --> 00:01:51,805
How's the boy wonder working out?
37
00:01:51,885 --> 00:01:54,445
Oh, God, he's even more of a pillock
than I remembered.
38
00:01:54,525 --> 00:01:56,125
Good. That's what I was hoping for.
39
00:01:56,205 --> 00:01:57,965
How 'bout I come over and work for you?
40
00:01:58,045 --> 00:02:00,205
Unfortunately, that ship has sailed.
41
00:02:00,285 --> 00:02:01,765
No, Walsh has made it abundantly clear
42
00:02:01,845 --> 00:02:03,765
that I'm not allowed
to take on any more staff.
43
00:02:03,845 --> 00:02:05,925
Well, can't you just sack RJ?
One in, one out?
44
00:02:06,005 --> 00:02:08,725
Look, if you want to go and
tell his nut case of a dad
45
00:02:08,805 --> 00:02:11,045
that you got his fuck-wit son fired,
then be my guest.
46
00:02:11,125 --> 00:02:12,525
[RJ] Here you go, Brian.
47
00:02:16,085 --> 00:02:17,205
What's that?
48
00:02:17,285 --> 00:02:19,165
Orange juice and lemonade.
49
00:02:19,245 --> 00:02:20,365
I asked for a pint.
50
00:02:20,445 --> 00:02:21,845
Sorry. Got distracted.
51
00:02:21,925 --> 00:02:24,085
Got chatting to the young damsel
behind the bar.
52
00:02:24,165 --> 00:02:25,805
Wow, a real-life damsel in distress.
53
00:02:25,885 --> 00:02:29,085
Quite the opposite, Lavatory.
she gave me her number,
54
00:02:29,165 --> 00:02:30,685
which means, by the end of the day,
55
00:02:30,765 --> 00:02:33,805
she'll very likely be a damsel
out of a dress.
56
00:02:33,885 --> 00:02:35,165
As opposed to in a dress.
57
00:02:36,485 --> 00:02:37,485
Because she'll be naked.
58
00:02:37,565 --> 00:02:38,965
Yes, I think I get it, RJ.
59
00:02:39,045 --> 00:02:40,285
[Brian] Well, this is bollocks.
60
00:02:40,365 --> 00:02:42,205
How did a freak like you
manage to pull her?
61
00:02:42,285 --> 00:02:44,725
If Stratego has taught me one thing,
no advances were ever made
62
00:02:44,805 --> 00:02:46,885
without taking risks, my compadres.
63
00:02:46,965 --> 00:02:49,365
You can't capture the enemy's flag
without coming out of your trench.
64
00:02:49,445 --> 00:02:51,325
You're right. He's right.
65
00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:54,685
You're a creepy genius.
66
00:02:54,765 --> 00:02:56,405
I-It's that simple.
67
00:02:57,925 --> 00:03:00,245
I've got to go.
Thank you, RJ.
68
00:03:00,325 --> 00:03:02,125
Don't thank me.
Thank Stratego.
69
00:03:03,605 --> 00:03:06,245
Well, I don't suppose there's any danger
70
00:03:06,325 --> 00:03:09,365
of you applying this go-get-'em attitude
to selling our windows?
71
00:03:09,445 --> 00:03:11,325
- Wouldn't work.
- Why not?
72
00:03:11,405 --> 00:03:13,885
'Cause ultimately I don't give a toss
about selling windows, Brian.
73
00:03:13,965 --> 00:03:15,725
Yeah, that's the spirit.
74
00:03:15,805 --> 00:03:18,765
[Vincent] Ronnie's errand had at least
put a few thousand miles between me
75
00:03:18,845 --> 00:03:21,205
and that marriage-wrecking time bomb, Jo.
76
00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:23,285
When you're caught between
a rock and a hard place,
77
00:03:23,365 --> 00:03:24,885
it takes the edge off when the rock
78
00:03:24,965 --> 00:03:26,725
is a sun-kissed Mediterranean island.
79
00:03:26,805 --> 00:03:29,765
[clerk] So that's room 211, double bed,
with the pull-out bed for children.
80
00:03:29,845 --> 00:03:32,165
I'm not sleeping with Rob.
You know he stinks of B.O. now.
81
00:03:32,245 --> 00:03:33,765
And I don't want to catch your zits.
82
00:03:33,845 --> 00:03:35,245
You are a royal little shit. Mum!
83
00:03:35,325 --> 00:03:37,525
Excuse me, sweetheart.
Do you have any adjoining rooms?
84
00:03:37,605 --> 00:03:40,005
No, but we have a junior suite available.
85
00:03:40,085 --> 00:03:42,605
Rate is 200 Maltese lira per night.
86
00:03:42,685 --> 00:03:43,965
And what's that in real money?
87
00:03:44,045 --> 00:03:47,045
In English pounds sterling, that's...
88
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,365
£320.
89
00:03:50,445 --> 00:03:52,365
Nice try. You and I both know rate cards
90
00:03:52,445 --> 00:03:55,285
are only used to fleece the terminally
stupid or the stupidly wealthy.
91
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:56,645
I'm sorry.
92
00:03:56,725 --> 00:03:58,405
I not really understand.
93
00:03:58,485 --> 00:04:00,645
Is there anyone else
who could check us in?
94
00:04:00,725 --> 00:04:04,485
I said only very rich or very stupid,
95
00:04:04,565 --> 00:04:06,445
like that pair behind, pay that.
96
00:04:06,525 --> 00:04:08,645
Now, what can you do for me
on that suite price?
97
00:04:08,725 --> 00:04:10,005
[woman] What did he say?
98
00:04:10,085 --> 00:04:12,485
I'm sorry.
I can't do deals on the price.
99
00:04:12,565 --> 00:04:15,165
All right, how about
a complimentary upgrade?
100
00:04:15,245 --> 00:04:17,845
I'm a very generous tipper
after a good night's sleep.
101
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,965
This is ridiculous.
Can you hurry up, please?
102
00:04:21,045 --> 00:04:23,284
I'm sorry, Your Highness,
but we haven't finished yet.
103
00:04:23,365 --> 00:04:24,605
Come on.
What's your best price?
104
00:04:24,685 --> 00:04:25,844
I'm so sorry.
105
00:04:25,925 --> 00:04:27,845
You know what they say.
If you have to ask for the price,
106
00:04:27,925 --> 00:04:29,805
you definitely can't afford it.
107
00:04:29,885 --> 00:04:32,965
Is there any chance you
could let someone else check in?
108
00:04:33,045 --> 00:04:34,445
It's okay.
Vincent, come on.
109
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:35,845
Let's just look at the room.
110
00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:36,925
I'm sure it's lovely.
111
00:04:38,125 --> 00:04:39,165
Okay.
112
00:04:40,445 --> 00:04:42,525
All yours, although I think you'll find
113
00:04:42,605 --> 00:04:44,685
there's a no-dogs-allowed policy
at this hotel.
114
00:04:44,765 --> 00:04:46,125
[Sam] Vincent. Go.
115
00:04:46,205 --> 00:04:47,125
And you.
116
00:04:47,205 --> 00:04:48,245
[woman] What did he say?
117
00:04:50,725 --> 00:04:52,325
[Sam] Right, try not to drown.
118
00:04:52,405 --> 00:04:54,965
I don't want to spend the whole holiday
filling out forms.
119
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,405
- You're so funny, Mum.
- Last one in the pool
120
00:04:57,485 --> 00:04:59,365
gets the camp bed
with the bloodstained sheets.
121
00:04:59,445 --> 00:05:01,445
[seabirds calling]
122
00:05:03,765 --> 00:05:05,645
Isn't Nat a bit old for Bun-Buns?
123
00:05:05,725 --> 00:05:07,285
She told me to bring him.
124
00:05:07,365 --> 00:05:08,805
Apparently, he's never
been to Malta before.
125
00:05:08,885 --> 00:05:11,165
Oh, that's sweet.
126
00:05:12,485 --> 00:05:14,885
Thank you, Vincent.
I needed a break.
127
00:05:14,965 --> 00:05:16,805
Nothing beats a few days of the four "S"s,
128
00:05:16,885 --> 00:05:18,645
sun, sea, sand, and--
129
00:05:18,725 --> 00:05:20,565
And sharing a room with our two children.
130
00:05:20,645 --> 00:05:22,485
Might need to settle for the three "S"s.
131
00:05:22,565 --> 00:05:23,965
Well, there's always the beach at night.
132
00:05:24,045 --> 00:05:25,805
No, thanks.
I'm not a bloody turtle.
133
00:05:25,885 --> 00:05:29,645
Although I am still a big fan of doggie.
134
00:05:29,725 --> 00:05:32,445
Whoa! Hey, easy, lassie. [laughs]
135
00:05:32,525 --> 00:05:34,765
One of us should watch the kids swim.
136
00:05:34,845 --> 00:05:35,965
Why don't I finish unpacking,
137
00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:38,085
get it nice and cosy in here for us?
138
00:05:38,165 --> 00:05:40,365
That is disturbingly sensible for you.
139
00:05:40,445 --> 00:05:42,805
I quite like this new
being waited on hand and foot.
140
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:44,405
First you packed the case coming out here,
141
00:05:44,485 --> 00:05:46,205
and now everything
gets hung up at this end.
142
00:05:46,285 --> 00:05:48,765
- It's like having a sexy butler.
- Just call me Jeeves.
143
00:05:48,845 --> 00:05:51,125
- Mwah. See you in half an hour.
- Okay.
144
00:05:54,965 --> 00:05:55,965
That was close.
145
00:05:57,885 --> 00:05:59,605
I probably could have hidden
this roll somewhere else,
146
00:05:59,685 --> 00:06:02,205
but who doesn't enjoy the feel
of a cool five grand in 50s
147
00:06:02,285 --> 00:06:04,845
laying against their nut sac?
Now, in case you were wondering
148
00:06:04,925 --> 00:06:06,765
where the rest of Ronnie's
illicit cash is stuffed...
149
00:06:06,845 --> 00:06:09,205
♪ My mama told me ♪
150
00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:12,245
♪ If I was goody ♪
151
00:06:12,325 --> 00:06:14,325
♪ That she would buy me ♪
152
00:06:14,405 --> 00:06:17,485
♪ A rubber dolly ♪
153
00:06:17,565 --> 00:06:20,005
♪ My auntie told her ♪
154
00:06:20,085 --> 00:06:23,045
♪ I kissed a soldier ♪
155
00:06:23,125 --> 00:06:28,165
♪ Now she won't buy me a rubber dolly ♪
156
00:06:28,245 --> 00:06:30,725
Ooh, bad luck.
Sea view's this side.
157
00:06:30,805 --> 00:06:31,965
["The Clapping Song" continues]
158
00:06:32,045 --> 00:06:34,805
Excuse me.
I'm looking for a Mr. Setra.
159
00:06:34,885 --> 00:06:36,685
Yeah, right there.
160
00:06:36,765 --> 00:06:38,645
- Thanks.
- ♪ The monkey got choked ♪
161
00:06:38,725 --> 00:06:41,485
♪ And they all went to heaven
In a little rowboat... ♪
162
00:06:41,565 --> 00:06:45,205
Ronnie's dirty laundry, I believe.
163
00:06:45,285 --> 00:06:47,445
I'm enjoying the symbolism, Mr. Swan.
164
00:06:47,525 --> 00:06:49,565
Please, call me Vincent.
165
00:06:49,645 --> 00:06:51,565
Do I, uh, need a receipt?
166
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:52,845
I'm afraid we operate
167
00:06:52,925 --> 00:06:55,725
a strictly sans-paperwork facility, Vincent.
168
00:06:55,805 --> 00:06:59,405
Tell Ronnie we'll scrub this
until it's unrecognizable.
169
00:06:59,485 --> 00:07:03,045
Now, there was one other matter
I was hoping to discuss with you.
170
00:07:03,125 --> 00:07:04,085
When do you leave?
171
00:07:04,165 --> 00:07:05,925
- In a few days.
- Perfect.
172
00:07:06,005 --> 00:07:07,365
That's just enough time to discover
173
00:07:07,445 --> 00:07:10,285
what this intriguing
little island has to offer
174
00:07:10,365 --> 00:07:13,845
and to join me for a spot
of lunch on my yacht tomorrow.
175
00:07:13,925 --> 00:07:15,925
I have to tell you.
I'm here with my wife.
176
00:07:16,005 --> 00:07:19,445
I'm not trying to seduce you,
if you're worried.
177
00:07:19,525 --> 00:07:21,885
[chuckles] Not really.
I get more offended
178
00:07:21,965 --> 00:07:24,165
when people don't want
to sleep with me, Mr. Setra.
179
00:07:24,245 --> 00:07:27,325
It's just she might finally divorce me
if I disappear for an afternoon.
180
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,005
She's more than welcome.
181
00:07:29,085 --> 00:07:30,645
Do you know where the marina is?
182
00:07:30,725 --> 00:07:33,005
I'm gonna guess.
Is it on the edge of the sea?
183
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:36,605
Pier Seven.
You can't miss us.
184
00:07:36,685 --> 00:07:38,365
I'll see you tomorrow at 1:00.
185
00:07:38,445 --> 00:07:39,765
♪ Missing you... ♪
186
00:07:39,845 --> 00:07:42,485
[Vincent] Now that Ronnie's contraband
was safely delivered,
187
00:07:42,565 --> 00:07:46,165
the only bulge in my underpants was the
one reserved for the woman of my dreams.
188
00:07:46,245 --> 00:07:48,045
["Missing You" continues]
189
00:07:48,125 --> 00:07:52,125
I must admit this was one of
your better ideas, Vincent Swan.
190
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:54,285
I do have them sometimes.
191
00:07:54,365 --> 00:07:55,365
Thank you.
192
00:07:56,445 --> 00:07:57,765
[Vincent] And Nat was embracing
193
00:07:57,845 --> 00:08:00,005
every teenage girl's rite of passage
194
00:08:00,085 --> 00:08:02,365
by flirting with a greasy Maltese waiter.
195
00:08:04,365 --> 00:08:06,885
I needed this.
196
00:08:06,965 --> 00:08:11,485
So is now a good time to repitch
my sex on the beach idea?
197
00:08:11,565 --> 00:08:13,485
The cocktail or the agonizing
198
00:08:13,565 --> 00:08:15,485
sand-in-the-fanny sexual experience?
199
00:08:15,565 --> 00:08:16,685
One of each?
200
00:08:16,765 --> 00:08:17,805
How 'bout neither?
201
00:08:17,885 --> 00:08:20,125
Fair enough.
202
00:08:20,205 --> 00:08:23,845
How about I offer you
lunch on a yacht instead?
203
00:08:23,925 --> 00:08:27,605
Oh, much better.
Now, if only you had a yacht.
204
00:08:27,685 --> 00:08:29,765
Or knew a man who does.
205
00:08:29,845 --> 00:08:31,845
Serious.
A friend of Ronnie's
206
00:08:31,925 --> 00:08:34,965
has invited us out to lunch
on a yacht tomorrow.
207
00:08:35,045 --> 00:08:37,645
Really?
208
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,885
Wow, I've never been on a yacht before.
209
00:08:41,245 --> 00:08:42,845
- What about the kids?
- Yeah.
210
00:08:42,924 --> 00:08:44,804
Hotel's got a kids club.
211
00:08:44,885 --> 00:08:47,684
They're capable of looking after
themselves for a few hours.
212
00:08:47,765 --> 00:08:49,485
Yeah, why not?
213
00:08:50,965 --> 00:08:52,605
- What is it, Rob?
- Nat's been getting the waiter
214
00:08:52,685 --> 00:08:54,125
to sneak Vodka in her orange all night.
215
00:08:54,205 --> 00:08:55,405
Stop telling tales.
216
00:08:55,485 --> 00:08:56,765
She threw up on her shoes.
217
00:08:56,845 --> 00:08:57,765
[retches]
218
00:08:57,845 --> 00:08:59,165
Oh, sweetheart.
219
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,605
[retches]
220
00:09:01,685 --> 00:09:02,885
[Sam] Don't move.
221
00:09:02,965 --> 00:09:04,285
[Vincent] I'll kill that fucking waiter.
222
00:09:04,365 --> 00:09:06,205
[Nat] It's not his fault, Dad.
I told him I was 18.
223
00:09:06,285 --> 00:09:08,285
Well, he'll be in for
a nice shock when he sees you
224
00:09:08,365 --> 00:09:09,525
at the Teenie Boppers
Kids Club tomorrow.
225
00:09:09,605 --> 00:09:11,845
What? I ain't going to a kid's club.
226
00:09:11,925 --> 00:09:12,845
Yes, you are.
227
00:09:12,925 --> 00:09:15,205
Why do you have to be
so embarrassing all the time?
228
00:09:15,285 --> 00:09:17,485
Says the girl who pebble dashed
the hotel bar floor.
229
00:09:17,565 --> 00:09:18,885
Mum, tell him--
230
00:09:18,965 --> 00:09:20,165
Oh, God.
231
00:09:20,245 --> 00:09:21,765
- [retches]
- Oh.
232
00:09:21,845 --> 00:09:24,365
That's it, baby. There you go.
Get it all out.
233
00:09:24,445 --> 00:09:26,365
At least you'll be the first
kid at Teenie Boppers
234
00:09:26,445 --> 00:09:28,445
- to turn up with a hangover.
- Shut up! [coughs]
235
00:09:28,525 --> 00:09:30,005
[retches]
236
00:09:30,085 --> 00:09:31,925
[Lavender] Look,
I'm taking a few days off.
237
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,365
Yeah, sure.
When were you thinking?
238
00:09:33,445 --> 00:09:35,645
- Well, from now.
- Oh, no, sorry.
239
00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:37,765
I've got Vincent swanning off
on some Ronnie-inspired errand.
240
00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:39,405
I can't lose me only other salesman.
241
00:09:39,485 --> 00:09:41,685
I wasn't calling for permission,
I'm just letting you know.
242
00:09:41,765 --> 00:09:43,165
Thank you.
243
00:09:43,245 --> 00:09:45,405
What a thoroughly decent
arsehole you are.
244
00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,885
You've betrayed my trust,
fucked up my career
245
00:09:47,965 --> 00:09:50,045
and potentially a marriage
246
00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:52,445
just to score
some cheap point over Vincent,
247
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:53,725
and I'm the arsehole?
248
00:09:53,805 --> 00:09:55,805
Christ, you're such a drama queen.
249
00:09:55,885 --> 00:09:57,605
Are you even gonna
tell me what you're doing?
250
00:09:57,685 --> 00:09:59,325
I'm capturing the flag.
251
00:09:59,405 --> 00:10:01,685
[jet engines roaring]
252
00:10:08,485 --> 00:10:11,045
Right, Carol.
You've been promoted to field sales.
253
00:10:11,125 --> 00:10:13,765
Show me you can outperform Lavender
in the next two days,
254
00:10:13,845 --> 00:10:16,365
and you can have his job.
Any questions?
255
00:10:16,445 --> 00:10:17,925
You're not in Kansas anymore.
256
00:10:18,005 --> 00:10:19,245
What you doing?
257
00:10:19,325 --> 00:10:20,725
- It's not a dream, is it?
- No.
258
00:10:20,805 --> 00:10:22,045
Please don't make me reconsider.
259
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:24,005
And before you hang up
your receptionist boots,
260
00:10:24,085 --> 00:10:27,445
find me the number to wherever
that fucker Vincent's staying.
261
00:10:27,525 --> 00:10:29,525
[pop music playing]
262
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:35,245
Oh, God,
I think I'm gonna puke.
263
00:10:35,325 --> 00:10:36,685
I get nerves.
264
00:10:36,765 --> 00:10:39,485
Breathe, Carol.
Nerves are perfectly natural.
265
00:10:39,565 --> 00:10:40,765
You'll not tell another soul this,
266
00:10:40,845 --> 00:10:42,765
but I wet meself
when I closed me first deal.
267
00:10:42,845 --> 00:10:44,845
Did you, though, or are you just
trying to make me feel better?
268
00:10:44,925 --> 00:10:47,445
Both.
Still carry spare knickers in the car.
269
00:10:47,525 --> 00:10:48,885
- [laughs]
- Just remember,
270
00:10:48,965 --> 00:10:50,525
they requested more information.
271
00:10:50,605 --> 00:10:52,445
You're here to gently nudge that interest
272
00:10:52,525 --> 00:10:54,965
towards a purchase,
so make it memorable for 'em.
273
00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:57,165
Be engaged. Flatter 'em.
Make 'em laugh.
274
00:10:57,245 --> 00:10:59,165
Sounds more like a blind date.
275
00:10:59,245 --> 00:11:00,485
Actually, it's a lot like that.
276
00:11:00,565 --> 00:11:02,325
How do you manage
your nerves on a date?
277
00:11:02,405 --> 00:11:04,125
I just try and pretend
to be someone else.
278
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:06,285
Good. That's just what selling is.
279
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:08,445
You're presenting a heightened
version of yourself.
280
00:11:08,525 --> 00:11:11,205
Okay. I can do that.
281
00:11:11,285 --> 00:11:12,245
Good.
282
00:11:12,325 --> 00:11:14,885
[pop music playing]
283
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,845
Right?
284
00:11:16,925 --> 00:11:18,005
[doorbell rings]
285
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:22,205
I think I'm gonna need to borrow
those spare knickers later.
286
00:11:22,285 --> 00:11:24,125
Are you sure you don't want a tea?
287
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:26,405
No. Water's fine.
288
00:11:29,805 --> 00:11:32,405
[glugging]
289
00:11:36,245 --> 00:11:37,525
[sighs]
290
00:11:39,725 --> 00:11:41,565
Carol, do you want to tell Dave and Annie
291
00:11:41,645 --> 00:11:43,485
a little bit more about who we are?
292
00:11:48,245 --> 00:11:51,725
[posh accent] My name's Caroline Ewing...
the III.
293
00:11:51,805 --> 00:11:53,365
I know what you're thinking.
294
00:11:53,445 --> 00:11:57,365
Why is someone like me sitting
in your beautiful front room
295
00:11:57,445 --> 00:12:00,325
attempting to extol the virtues
of replacement windows?
296
00:12:00,405 --> 00:12:02,085
I weren't expecting that.
297
00:12:02,165 --> 00:12:03,805
Neither was I, Annie.
298
00:12:03,885 --> 00:12:06,445
But at 18, I decided to turn my back
299
00:12:06,525 --> 00:12:09,165
on a life of luxury and comfort
300
00:12:09,245 --> 00:12:11,165
and go out into the big, wide world
301
00:12:11,245 --> 00:12:14,205
to make something of myself on my terms.
302
00:12:14,285 --> 00:12:16,005
- Good for you, love.
- Yeah.
303
00:12:16,085 --> 00:12:17,645
["Back on the Chain Gang" playing]
304
00:12:17,725 --> 00:12:21,125
[seabirds calling]
305
00:12:21,205 --> 00:12:23,365
[Vincent] Meanwhile,
Lavender's mission to capture the flag
306
00:12:23,445 --> 00:12:24,805
had entered a critical phase.
307
00:12:24,885 --> 00:12:27,045
It was time to go over the top.
308
00:12:30,045 --> 00:12:31,925
[Sam] You've only got to be
a Teenie Bopper
309
00:12:32,005 --> 00:12:34,125
- for one afternoon, Nat.
- But what if Christo sees me?
310
00:12:34,205 --> 00:12:35,805
Well, he'll just think
you're looking after
311
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,885
your little brother
while your wonderful mother
312
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,285
swans off for a swanky meal
on a luxury yacht.
313
00:12:40,365 --> 00:12:43,405
- Don't take the piss.
- I'm not. I appreciate it.
314
00:12:43,485 --> 00:12:45,485
Cool. We're going hunting.
315
00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:48,245
Can we really be
from the same gene pool?
316
00:12:48,325 --> 00:12:49,965
We'll be taking photos, you dim.
317
00:12:50,045 --> 00:12:51,605
Right, here's some money.
318
00:12:51,685 --> 00:12:55,405
Don't let Robbie blow it all
on the arcade machines, okay?
319
00:12:55,485 --> 00:12:57,365
Be back in a few hours.
Come here.
320
00:12:58,965 --> 00:13:01,565
Oof, did you wash your hair?
321
00:13:01,645 --> 00:13:03,525
I just got a whiff of vodka orange puke.
322
00:13:03,605 --> 00:13:04,805
You didn't, did you?
323
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:07,245
Go on. Gotta go. Bye.
324
00:13:09,125 --> 00:13:10,965
Sam. I need to talk to you.
325
00:13:11,045 --> 00:13:13,765
Jesus Christ, Martin.
326
00:13:14,765 --> 00:13:16,205
What are you doing here?
327
00:13:16,285 --> 00:13:18,165
I needed to see you.
328
00:13:18,245 --> 00:13:21,605
Shit. Vincent will be down any minute.
329
00:13:21,685 --> 00:13:23,605
It's okay, I can say
whatever I've got to say
330
00:13:23,685 --> 00:13:25,605
- in front of Vincent.
- No! No!
331
00:13:25,685 --> 00:13:28,125
Wha-- Just calm down.
What are you talking about?
332
00:13:28,205 --> 00:13:29,965
- Why are you even here?
- This can't wait,
333
00:13:30,045 --> 00:13:32,805
Sam, I've wasted so much time already.
334
00:13:32,885 --> 00:13:34,805
You asked me once
if I was ready to commit.
335
00:13:34,885 --> 00:13:36,165
What?
336
00:13:36,245 --> 00:13:37,885
Of course this can fucking wait.
337
00:13:37,965 --> 00:13:40,445
You have flown halfway across Europe
338
00:13:40,525 --> 00:13:42,445
and ambushed me on my family holiday.
339
00:13:42,525 --> 00:13:44,645
I'm assuming you haven't got
any other pressing engagements
340
00:13:44,725 --> 00:13:46,405
- in Malta later today?
- No.
341
00:13:46,485 --> 00:13:48,925
No. Good. [sighs]
342
00:13:49,005 --> 00:13:51,525
Okay. I'll be back in a few hours.
343
00:13:51,605 --> 00:13:55,365
Just keep a low profile,
don't let the kids see you,
344
00:13:55,445 --> 00:13:58,925
and when I get back,
we can talk, just you and me.
345
00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:00,885
But I've got to go, Martin, please.
346
00:14:02,165 --> 00:14:03,165
Okay.
347
00:14:04,285 --> 00:14:06,405
["Brother Louie" playing]
348
00:14:10,685 --> 00:14:12,765
Mr. Swan, sorry to bother you,
349
00:14:12,845 --> 00:14:15,085
but I have a message for you
from your employer.
350
00:14:15,165 --> 00:14:17,005
Oh. Well, that's funny.
She's here with me now.
351
00:14:17,085 --> 00:14:19,645
- What did you want, my darling?
- This is joke, yes?
352
00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:21,405
Barely, but, yes, he's joking.
353
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,645
I think she means Ronnie, darling.
354
00:14:23,725 --> 00:14:26,525
No, telephone call was from Ms. Jo Scott.
355
00:14:26,605 --> 00:14:30,205
She asked you to call
the showroom urgently.
356
00:14:30,285 --> 00:14:32,125
Well, that's a bit fucking weird, innit,
357
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,565
Jo tracking you down on holiday?
358
00:14:33,645 --> 00:14:35,485
Not really.
She's off her trolley.
359
00:14:35,565 --> 00:14:37,485
Probably looking
for where we keep the teabags.
360
00:14:37,565 --> 00:14:39,205
Well, then you better call her back then.
361
00:14:39,285 --> 00:14:41,685
No, fuck her. She can wait.
We're on holiday.
362
00:14:41,765 --> 00:14:44,085
If I need someone to remind me
what an asshole I am,
363
00:14:44,165 --> 00:14:46,285
we could bring Nat to lunch.
If she calls back,
364
00:14:46,365 --> 00:14:49,005
tell her I said she's not my fucking boss.
Got that?
365
00:14:50,165 --> 00:14:53,205
An absolute pleasure meeting you both.
366
00:14:53,285 --> 00:14:55,165
Oh, good luck with the new windows.
367
00:14:55,245 --> 00:14:57,125
You'll be the envy
of all the neighbours.
368
00:14:57,205 --> 00:14:59,725
- Thank you.
- And don't brag too loudly
369
00:14:59,805 --> 00:15:03,085
about my godfather Philip
using the same style windows
370
00:15:03,165 --> 00:15:05,285
in the Balmoral refurbishment.
371
00:15:05,365 --> 00:15:08,045
Okay.
Well, thanks very much. Bye.
372
00:15:08,125 --> 00:15:10,125
["In Between Days" playing]
373
00:15:16,965 --> 00:15:18,285
Fuck me.
374
00:15:18,365 --> 00:15:20,125
Too much?
375
00:15:20,205 --> 00:15:23,885
Research is the key to great
character writing for me.
376
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,245
My next novel's
377
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,885
about a double-glazing
salesmen serial killer,
378
00:15:27,965 --> 00:15:30,325
hence being here.
Don't worry,
379
00:15:30,405 --> 00:15:33,005
I'm not gonna kill you
and wear your skin as a dress.
380
00:15:33,085 --> 00:15:35,205
[laughter]
381
00:15:35,285 --> 00:15:38,325
Probably my biggest part
was playing Violet Beauregarde
382
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:40,685
in Willy Wonka
and the Chocolate Factory.
383
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:44,845
Wow. A bona fide child star
in our front room, Trevor.
384
00:15:44,925 --> 00:15:48,245
Wasn't Violet Beauregarde American?
385
00:15:48,325 --> 00:15:50,165
[Texan accent] She sure was, buddy.
386
00:15:50,245 --> 00:15:51,645
[woman laughs]
387
00:15:51,725 --> 00:15:52,925
Why did you quit?
388
00:15:54,205 --> 00:15:57,485
Let's just say the Everlasting Gobstopper
389
00:15:57,565 --> 00:16:01,205
wasn't the only thing
the producer asked me to suck on.
390
00:16:01,285 --> 00:16:03,325
[woman] Oh. [chuckles]
391
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:08,565
Bloody hell, that is a yacht.
392
00:16:08,645 --> 00:16:11,245
Why, what'd you think I meant
when I said, "Lunch on a yacht"?
393
00:16:11,325 --> 00:16:14,645
Well, I guess I was half expecting
a bag of chips on a pedalo.
394
00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:16,845
- How do you know these people?
- Friends of Ronnie's.
395
00:16:16,925 --> 00:16:18,965
Permission to walk your plank, Mr. Setra?
396
00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:22,165
You know you always have my permission, Vincent.
397
00:16:27,205 --> 00:16:29,205
And who's this delightful creature?
398
00:16:29,285 --> 00:16:30,885
- Hello. I'm Sam.
- Hi, Sam.
399
00:16:30,965 --> 00:16:33,125
Pleasure to meet you.
My name is Roland,
400
00:16:33,205 --> 00:16:37,245
although most people seem
to prefer calling me Mr. Setra.
401
00:16:37,325 --> 00:16:39,165
Must be my schoolmasterly manner.
402
00:16:39,245 --> 00:16:42,165
No, surely it's because
you're a man of distinction, Mr. Setra.
403
00:16:42,245 --> 00:16:44,325
Oh. I can see how this one
404
00:16:44,405 --> 00:16:46,885
keeps you on the straight and narrow, Vincent.
405
00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:50,405
Vincent, Sam, this is
my business partner, Alan Rudd,
406
00:16:50,485 --> 00:16:52,765
and his wife, Maggie.
407
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,045
Pleased to meet you, Vincent.
408
00:16:54,125 --> 00:16:56,005
I've heard nothing but good things.
409
00:16:56,085 --> 00:16:58,885
[Vincent] Now, this man might look
like a Les Dawson impersonator
410
00:16:58,965 --> 00:17:00,725
who's had an accident
with a tin of creosote,
411
00:17:00,805 --> 00:17:04,285
but in reality, he's one of Europe's
wealthiest time share property developers.
412
00:17:04,365 --> 00:17:06,125
For the uninitiated,
time share worked like this.
413
00:17:06,205 --> 00:17:07,925
For an affordable upfront fee,
414
00:17:08,005 --> 00:17:10,885
any schmuck could now part-own
a luxury property on a resort,
415
00:17:10,965 --> 00:17:12,805
the trade-off being
that they could only use it
416
00:17:12,885 --> 00:17:14,364
for a few weeks a year.
417
00:17:14,445 --> 00:17:18,285
More importantly, time share was like
the fucking Wild West for selling,
418
00:17:18,364 --> 00:17:21,005
unethical practices, zero regulations,
419
00:17:21,084 --> 00:17:23,805
and the opportunity to make
life-changing amounts of money.
420
00:17:23,885 --> 00:17:25,205
The hedonistic distractions
421
00:17:25,285 --> 00:17:27,084
were also
"fall of the Roman Empire" level.
422
00:17:27,165 --> 00:17:28,604
But we'll come back to that later.
423
00:17:28,685 --> 00:17:30,084
♪ Let's go all the way... ♪
424
00:17:32,525 --> 00:17:34,685
As I'm sure you gathered,
we're looking for someone
425
00:17:34,765 --> 00:17:37,445
to run a line of closers
at the new Marbella resort.
426
00:17:37,525 --> 00:17:39,365
No such thing as a free lunch, eh?
427
00:17:39,445 --> 00:17:41,485
Vincent, are you interested?
428
00:17:41,565 --> 00:17:44,365
I'm fairly sure the package
will fare comfortably
429
00:17:44,445 --> 00:17:46,205
into what you're earning with Ronnie.
430
00:17:46,285 --> 00:17:50,085
Boys, the double-glazing
business has been good to me,
431
00:17:50,165 --> 00:17:51,765
but it's not the game it once was.
432
00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:54,685
Trading standards, cooling-off periods,
433
00:17:54,765 --> 00:17:56,445
a relentless tide of charmless fuckers
434
00:17:56,525 --> 00:17:59,685
who've wasted their life savings
on courses on how to sell.
435
00:17:59,765 --> 00:18:03,765
Being a closer isn't something
you learn or even aspire to do.
436
00:18:03,845 --> 00:18:06,245
It's in your fucking blood.
Am I right, Alan?
437
00:18:06,325 --> 00:18:10,645
I'll take that as you,
uh, registering an interest.
438
00:18:10,725 --> 00:18:12,405
Absolutely.
439
00:18:12,485 --> 00:18:13,965
There is, of course,
440
00:18:14,045 --> 00:18:17,965
a large and dangerously
psychotic elephant in the room,
441
00:18:18,045 --> 00:18:19,205
my current employer.
442
00:18:19,285 --> 00:18:22,925
He might not be too keen
about me walking away from Cachet.
443
00:18:23,005 --> 00:18:28,005
[sighs] I've known Ronnie
for a very long time, Vincent.
444
00:18:29,285 --> 00:18:32,325
He might not be
as intractable as you think.
445
00:18:32,405 --> 00:18:37,565
With your permission, may I deal
with the Ronnie issue directly?
446
00:18:37,645 --> 00:18:39,285
Be my guest.
447
00:18:39,365 --> 00:18:41,765
What about Sam?
You think she could be persuaded
448
00:18:41,845 --> 00:18:44,485
to up sticks, take the kids out of school?
449
00:18:44,565 --> 00:18:46,605
Sweetheart, how do you feel
450
00:18:46,685 --> 00:18:48,365
about leaving Essex behind
and going to live
451
00:18:48,445 --> 00:18:50,365
by the Mediterranean for a few years?
452
00:18:50,445 --> 00:18:53,685
Oh, sunshine and yachts
over rain and the oil refinery.
453
00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:55,685
Might need a few seconds
to think about that, babe.
454
00:18:55,765 --> 00:18:58,685
[laughter]
455
00:18:58,765 --> 00:19:00,285
Well, allow me to make a toast
456
00:19:00,365 --> 00:19:04,885
to making obscene amounts of money
in the Spanish sunshine.
457
00:19:04,965 --> 00:19:06,645
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
458
00:19:06,725 --> 00:19:08,805
[Vincent] Back at the hotel,
amazingly the Teenie Boppers
459
00:19:08,885 --> 00:19:11,365
were being 100% literal
about their wildlife shoot.
460
00:19:11,445 --> 00:19:15,205
It turns out that the Maltese
have a very liberal attitude to hunting.
461
00:19:15,285 --> 00:19:17,445
The national motto of Malta
might as well be,
462
00:19:17,525 --> 00:19:20,485
- "If it flies, it dies."
- [bird squeals]
463
00:19:20,565 --> 00:19:22,965
While Lavender, having sunk
a few pints of Dutch courage,
464
00:19:23,045 --> 00:19:26,045
was now sleeping like a mad dog
in the midday sun.
465
00:19:26,125 --> 00:19:27,605
[sighs]
466
00:19:27,685 --> 00:19:29,725
["Outstanding" playing]
467
00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:34,685
[Vincent] Walkies.
468
00:19:34,765 --> 00:19:36,245
Just stop it.
469
00:19:36,325 --> 00:19:38,925
Right, you go and get changed,
I am gonna go and rescue Nat
470
00:19:39,005 --> 00:19:41,005
from the slow social death
of Teenie Boppers, okay?
471
00:19:41,085 --> 00:19:42,085
Good plan.
472
00:19:46,965 --> 00:19:49,845
Quick question. What's the rate for
international calls from the hotel?
473
00:19:50,845 --> 00:19:52,285
- There you are.
- Jesus.
474
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,885
It's cheaper to rent a suite here
than it is to phone England?
475
00:19:54,965 --> 00:19:55,965
Hmph.
476
00:19:56,045 --> 00:19:58,805
["Outstanding" continues]
477
00:19:58,885 --> 00:20:00,445
- Scusi?
- Yes, sir?
478
00:20:00,525 --> 00:20:02,445
I just, uh,
dropped my key into the box,
479
00:20:02,525 --> 00:20:04,445
but I need to get it back.
Do you mind?
480
00:20:04,525 --> 00:20:05,645
- It's 212.
- Okay.
481
00:20:08,285 --> 00:20:10,205
- Grazie.
- [speaking Italian]
482
00:20:12,125 --> 00:20:14,645
♪ Excited ♪
483
00:20:17,405 --> 00:20:19,685
♪ It makes me want to shout ♪
484
00:20:21,765 --> 00:20:23,885
♪ Outstanding ♪
485
00:20:25,085 --> 00:20:27,325
That's £14,000 worth of business
486
00:20:27,405 --> 00:20:30,125
in a single day,
plus three Oscar nominations.
487
00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:33,965
Sorry. Was I too mental?
488
00:20:34,045 --> 00:20:36,525
Who cares, baby?
You were sensational.
489
00:20:36,605 --> 00:20:38,125
[telephone rings]
490
00:20:38,205 --> 00:20:41,125
Eh! No more answering
the phone for you, my dear.
491
00:20:41,205 --> 00:20:43,245
[ring]
492
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:45,085
Hello. Cachet Windows and Doors.
493
00:20:45,165 --> 00:20:47,005
What the fuck are you
playing at calling me out here?
494
00:20:47,085 --> 00:20:48,165
One minute.
495
00:20:48,245 --> 00:20:52,005
Carol, do you mind nipping downstairs
and keeping an eye on the showroom for me?
496
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,205
Thanks.
497
00:20:56,485 --> 00:20:59,245
Clock's ticking, Vincent,
and I haven't had me answer.
498
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:02,645
Are you coming back to work for me,
or do I have to confess all to Sam?
499
00:21:02,725 --> 00:21:04,205
'Cause we both know
who she'll believe.
500
00:21:04,285 --> 00:21:05,685
This isn't a game, Jo.
501
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,685
We're talking about my marriage,
about my family.
502
00:21:07,765 --> 00:21:09,365
Oh, it's all a game, Vincent,
503
00:21:09,445 --> 00:21:11,885
only some of us are better
at playing it than others.
504
00:21:11,965 --> 00:21:13,445
Is winning that important to you?
505
00:21:13,525 --> 00:21:15,965
Oh, winning isn't the important thing.
506
00:21:16,045 --> 00:21:17,565
It's the only thing.
507
00:21:17,645 --> 00:21:20,085
This is getting complicated.
508
00:21:21,685 --> 00:21:25,485
I can't stop thinking about you, about us.
509
00:21:25,565 --> 00:21:29,005
Really?
So what's it gonna be, Vincent?
510
00:21:29,085 --> 00:21:30,285
What's your next move?
511
00:21:30,365 --> 00:21:32,525
I want you to take your hand and slide it
512
00:21:32,605 --> 00:21:36,445
over that perfect belly,
between your legs.
513
00:21:36,525 --> 00:21:39,205
Oh, I like this move.
514
00:21:39,285 --> 00:21:40,805
What's next?
515
00:21:41,885 --> 00:21:42,965
[unzips zipper]
516
00:21:43,045 --> 00:21:45,045
["Self Control" playing]
517
00:21:52,085 --> 00:21:53,645
What the hell, Martin?
518
00:21:53,725 --> 00:21:55,645
You call this fucking incognito?
519
00:21:55,725 --> 00:21:58,445
Sam. Um, I must have dozed off.
520
00:21:58,525 --> 00:22:00,045
- Did my kids see you?
- No.
521
00:22:00,125 --> 00:22:02,085
No. I've been--
Oh, fuck me.
522
00:22:02,165 --> 00:22:04,285
My feet are on fire. Ohh!
523
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:06,965
Oh, my God. Ohh.
524
00:22:07,045 --> 00:22:08,245
Are you all right?
525
00:22:08,325 --> 00:22:10,285
Nothing a bit of after-sun won't cure.
526
00:22:10,365 --> 00:22:11,725
Look, we can't do this here.
527
00:22:11,805 --> 00:22:13,405
Vincent's gonna see us.
Let's go inside.
528
00:22:13,485 --> 00:22:17,285
I don't care. I'm here to say what
I should have said that day in the car.
529
00:22:17,365 --> 00:22:18,765
No. You can't do this.
530
00:22:19,885 --> 00:22:21,485
I came for your flag, Sam.
531
00:22:21,565 --> 00:22:26,365
RJ was right.
I've been in the trenches all my life.
532
00:22:26,445 --> 00:22:28,165
Oh, Christ, I'm thirsty.
533
00:22:28,245 --> 00:22:29,845
["Self Control" playing]
534
00:22:29,925 --> 00:22:32,165
- ♪ Oh oh oh ♪
- [zipper zips]
535
00:22:33,565 --> 00:22:36,285
♪ Oh oh oh, oh oh oh ♪
536
00:22:36,365 --> 00:22:39,445
- ♪ Oh oh oh ♪
- ♪ You take myself... ♪
537
00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:40,845
Robbie, what the fuck are they?
538
00:22:40,925 --> 00:22:43,285
Seagulls and a woodpecker.
539
00:22:43,365 --> 00:22:45,285
Jesus, mate.
Where's your sister?
540
00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:48,205
Last time I saw her, she was getting
a massage from the creepy barman.
541
00:22:48,285 --> 00:22:50,685
All right, get rid of those,
and get up to the room.
542
00:22:50,765 --> 00:22:52,525
[pop music playing]
543
00:22:52,605 --> 00:22:54,525
Motherfucker.
544
00:22:54,605 --> 00:22:56,725
Wasn't enough to screw my wife
behind my back, was it?
545
00:22:56,805 --> 00:22:59,485
Vincent, I'm here for Sam.
546
00:22:59,565 --> 00:23:01,405
[gags]
547
00:23:02,805 --> 00:23:03,845
- [onlookers groaning]
- [child] Mommy!
548
00:23:03,925 --> 00:23:06,485
You must have lost your fucking mind
if you think Sam's gonna leave me
549
00:23:06,565 --> 00:23:07,685
for a pathetic wanker like you.
550
00:23:07,765 --> 00:23:08,685
[Sam] Leave him alone.
551
00:23:08,765 --> 00:23:09,765
I think he's got sunstroke.
552
00:23:09,845 --> 00:23:11,365
- I'm so sorry.
- [girl yells]
553
00:23:11,445 --> 00:23:13,805
I'm so sorry, everyone.
554
00:23:13,885 --> 00:23:14,925
Hang on a second.
555
00:23:15,005 --> 00:23:17,245
- You knew about me and him?
- No.
556
00:23:17,325 --> 00:23:19,965
Well, yes, but I only
found out a few days ago.
557
00:23:20,045 --> 00:23:22,605
Right, and you were gonna
mention that to me when, eh?
558
00:23:22,685 --> 00:23:25,285
On the plane home?
Christmas fucking Day? Or never?
559
00:23:25,365 --> 00:23:27,405
Sam, I-I need to say
what I came here to say.
560
00:23:27,485 --> 00:23:29,365
No, you need to get the fuck out of here.
561
00:23:29,445 --> 00:23:31,765
Shut up, Vincent.
I can speak for myself.
562
00:23:31,845 --> 00:23:35,925
Look, if you don't love me, then tell me,
and I will walk away forever.
563
00:23:36,005 --> 00:23:38,485
But if there's even the tiniest bit of you
564
00:23:38,565 --> 00:23:41,125
that still imagines what
our life together could be like,
565
00:23:41,205 --> 00:23:42,805
then we can build on that, Sam.
566
00:23:42,885 --> 00:23:47,285
In what world did you think
this would be okay, Martin, hey?
567
00:23:47,365 --> 00:23:48,565
Flying out here,
568
00:23:48,645 --> 00:23:51,085
embarrassing me in public,
569
00:23:51,165 --> 00:23:54,085
in front of strangers, my family,
570
00:23:54,165 --> 00:23:55,525
and giving me 2 1/2 minutes
571
00:23:55,605 --> 00:23:57,725
to make a decision
about the rest of my life?
572
00:23:57,805 --> 00:24:02,045
Why do men think everything
is that fucking simple?
573
00:24:02,125 --> 00:24:04,125
You need to go, Martin.
574
00:24:04,205 --> 00:24:05,245
You heard her.
575
00:24:05,325 --> 00:24:07,245
I'm fucking warning you, Vincent!
576
00:24:10,245 --> 00:24:12,085
Okay, I'm going.
577
00:24:12,165 --> 00:24:13,165
Goodbye, Sam.
578
00:24:15,325 --> 00:24:16,605
[Sam] Martin?
579
00:24:16,685 --> 00:24:19,245
[Vincent] Oh, my God,
look at the state of him.
580
00:24:19,325 --> 00:24:21,325
[onlookers murmuring, laughing]
581
00:24:24,245 --> 00:24:25,685
Get off me.
582
00:24:27,045 --> 00:24:28,205
How is this my fucking fault?
583
00:24:28,285 --> 00:24:31,205
Why didn't you mention
that you knew about Martin and me?
584
00:24:31,285 --> 00:24:33,325
And how the fuck did Jo find out?
585
00:24:33,405 --> 00:24:34,765
Just calm down, babe.
You all right?
586
00:24:34,845 --> 00:24:36,485
- I can explain.
- Of course you can, Vincent,
587
00:24:36,565 --> 00:24:38,925
'cause you've always got
a fucking answer for everything.
588
00:24:40,005 --> 00:24:41,605
- [yells]
- Oh, Christ.
589
00:24:41,685 --> 00:24:43,285
They're trophies from Robbie's
Teenie Bopper bird hunt.
590
00:24:43,365 --> 00:24:45,965
Look, I need you to know this.
I am not cheating on you.
591
00:24:46,045 --> 00:24:47,645
The only reason I didn't say anything
592
00:24:47,725 --> 00:24:50,645
is because I have no fucking right
to be angry about it.
593
00:24:50,725 --> 00:24:53,885
We were separated,
I'd been a terrible prick,
594
00:24:53,965 --> 00:24:56,445
and, while I hate the idea of anyone else
595
00:24:56,525 --> 00:24:58,925
being with you, touching you,
596
00:24:59,005 --> 00:25:01,285
dickheads in glass houses
shouldn't throw stones.
597
00:25:01,365 --> 00:25:03,845
I'd taken you for granted, baby.
598
00:25:03,925 --> 00:25:06,405
So while it killed me hearing it,
599
00:25:06,485 --> 00:25:09,205
how could I blame you?
600
00:25:09,285 --> 00:25:12,605
Jo is trying to destroy me, baby.
601
00:25:12,685 --> 00:25:15,285
Do not let that bitch come between us.
602
00:25:15,365 --> 00:25:16,885
I want that to be true, Vince.
603
00:25:16,965 --> 00:25:19,085
It is, baby. I promise.
604
00:25:19,165 --> 00:25:21,165
On Robbie's pet seagull's life.
605
00:25:21,245 --> 00:25:23,325
[laughs]
606
00:25:23,405 --> 00:25:25,765
[pop music playing]
607
00:25:27,405 --> 00:25:28,605
Oh, I like it.
608
00:25:28,685 --> 00:25:30,845
Superstar shades
for me superstar saleswomen.
609
00:25:30,925 --> 00:25:32,645
- Look, can I have a word?
- Yeah.
610
00:25:34,125 --> 00:25:35,765
Jesus, what's happened to your eyes?
611
00:25:35,845 --> 00:25:36,925
Oh, I couldn't sleep.
612
00:25:37,005 --> 00:25:38,605
Tried to drink myself out,
613
00:25:38,685 --> 00:25:41,645
but a-all I had in the flat was
a bottle of old cooking sherry.
614
00:25:41,725 --> 00:25:44,085
I think I've had a reaction.
I've been puking all night.
615
00:25:44,165 --> 00:25:46,085
Well, do you want to go home,
sleep it off?
616
00:25:46,165 --> 00:25:49,845
No. Jo, how do you sleep at night?
617
00:25:49,925 --> 00:25:51,405
I've always been a good sleeper.
618
00:25:51,485 --> 00:25:53,005
Here. Take a Valium.
619
00:25:53,085 --> 00:25:54,205
It'll take the edge off.
620
00:25:54,285 --> 00:25:58,245
No, I mean how do you live with it,
lying to all those people?
621
00:25:58,325 --> 00:26:01,485
Honey, there's nothing wrong
with selling people things they need
622
00:26:01,565 --> 00:26:03,045
and making a profit from it.
623
00:26:03,125 --> 00:26:05,125
I mean, you don't object
to being sold things you need,
624
00:26:05,205 --> 00:26:07,205
like food, clothes, ciggies.
625
00:26:07,285 --> 00:26:09,725
Yeah, but Co-op
don't come round my house,
626
00:26:09,805 --> 00:26:12,925
tell me to go smoke,
feed the world for Bob Geldof,
627
00:26:13,005 --> 00:26:15,165
then make me massively
overpay for my groceries.
628
00:26:15,245 --> 00:26:16,765
I never asked you to lie.
629
00:26:16,845 --> 00:26:19,765
Oh, please, can I just
have my old job back?
630
00:26:19,845 --> 00:26:21,445
It's not too late, is it?
631
00:26:21,525 --> 00:26:24,285
I mean, I-I'll take a pay cut, anything.
632
00:26:24,365 --> 00:26:26,925
Oh, come here.
633
00:26:27,005 --> 00:26:29,125
'Course you can.
634
00:26:29,205 --> 00:26:31,365
As long as I can use that Geldof line.
635
00:26:31,445 --> 00:26:32,725
Oh, thank God.
636
00:26:32,805 --> 00:26:35,205
[Vincent] The next day,
Lavender left Malta a broken man.
637
00:26:35,285 --> 00:26:38,445
On top of sunstroke, he'd gotten
second-degree sunburn on his feet.
638
00:26:38,525 --> 00:26:41,445
But nothing ached more
than the poor sap's heart.
639
00:26:41,525 --> 00:26:43,845
At least he'd learnt one important lesson.
640
00:26:43,925 --> 00:26:46,285
Never take life advice
from a Stratego-obsessed freak
641
00:26:46,365 --> 00:26:48,645
with a borderline personality disorder.
642
00:26:50,045 --> 00:26:52,125
And after a few extra Maltese nights,
643
00:26:52,205 --> 00:26:54,365
it was time for the Swans to fly home.
644
00:26:57,605 --> 00:27:00,205
Ah, the wanderer returns.
645
00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:01,725
Miss me?
646
00:27:01,805 --> 00:27:03,445
Strangely, I have.
647
00:27:03,525 --> 00:27:05,485
Must be true what they say.
648
00:27:05,565 --> 00:27:07,565
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
649
00:27:07,645 --> 00:27:08,765
[knocking]
650
00:27:08,845 --> 00:27:12,165
[coughs]
Uh, s-sorry to interrupt.
651
00:27:12,245 --> 00:27:13,325
Ronnie's son's downstairs.
652
00:27:13,405 --> 00:27:15,125
He seems really upset about something.
653
00:27:16,325 --> 00:27:17,845
Look, just calm down, all right?
654
00:27:17,925 --> 00:27:19,565
When did you and your mum
last see your dad?
655
00:27:19,645 --> 00:27:21,805
- Friday morning.
- And everything was normal?
656
00:27:21,885 --> 00:27:23,125
He called me a huge disappointment
657
00:27:23,205 --> 00:27:25,405
and left for work,
so, yeah, business as usual.
658
00:27:25,485 --> 00:27:27,405
Maybe he had to go away
on a business trip.
659
00:27:27,485 --> 00:27:30,085
Well, he always checks in
with Mum when he's away,
660
00:27:30,165 --> 00:27:32,005
wherever the antiques business
may take him.
661
00:27:32,085 --> 00:27:33,845
Antiques business?
662
00:27:33,925 --> 00:27:38,165
Hang on. I saw this episode once
of Antiques Roadshow.
663
00:27:38,245 --> 00:27:42,725
The museum owner was killed by
a 300-year-old Japanese sword.
664
00:27:42,805 --> 00:27:46,525
Now, the killer hid in a suit of armour.
665
00:27:48,845 --> 00:27:52,285
Actually, that could have been an episode
of Columbo or Scooby-Doo.
666
00:27:52,365 --> 00:27:55,565
Look, just go home,
and be with your mum, all right?
667
00:27:55,645 --> 00:27:59,445
I'm sure he'll show up with a funny
or terrifying story to tell.
668
00:27:59,525 --> 00:28:01,445
I'll call you as soon as I hear from him.
669
00:28:01,525 --> 00:28:02,725
Okay.
670
00:28:03,805 --> 00:28:04,725
Thanks, Vincent.
671
00:28:04,805 --> 00:28:06,165
Eh! Yeah.
672
00:28:06,245 --> 00:28:09,005
[telephone rings]
673
00:28:10,005 --> 00:28:11,845
Cachet Windows and Doors.
674
00:28:11,925 --> 00:28:15,005
Vincent, Roland Setra calling.
How the devil are you?
675
00:28:15,085 --> 00:28:16,965
Mr. Setra.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
676
00:28:17,045 --> 00:28:19,125
I just wanted to let you know
that I've managed
677
00:28:19,205 --> 00:28:21,005
to take care of your employment issues
678
00:28:21,085 --> 00:28:23,405
and that the path for you
to take up our job offer
679
00:28:23,485 --> 00:28:25,805
is, shall we say, unhindered.
680
00:28:25,885 --> 00:28:27,725
Sorry. Employment issues?
681
00:28:27,805 --> 00:28:31,805
Your Ronnie problem is taken care of.
682
00:28:31,885 --> 00:28:35,125
Look forward to seeing you soon
in Marbella, Vincent.
683
00:28:35,205 --> 00:28:37,565
Okay, Mr. Setra.
That sounds lovely.
684
00:28:38,765 --> 00:28:40,605
See you soon, sir.
685
00:28:40,685 --> 00:28:41,685
Bye.
686
00:28:44,485 --> 00:28:45,605
Fuck.
687
00:28:45,685 --> 00:28:47,205
["Two Tribes" playing]
688
00:28:47,285 --> 00:28:50,045
♪ Ow ow ow ♪
689
00:28:51,365 --> 00:28:55,925
♪ Ow ow ♪
690
00:28:56,005 --> 00:28:58,405
♪ Let's go ♪
691
00:28:58,485 --> 00:28:59,925
♪ Oh ♪
692
00:29:00,005 --> 00:29:01,925
♪ When two tribes go to war ♪
693
00:29:02,005 --> 00:29:05,765
♪ One is all that you can score ♪
694
00:29:05,845 --> 00:29:07,445
♪ Score no more
Score no more ♪
695
00:29:07,525 --> 00:29:09,605
♪ When two tribes go to war ♪
696
00:29:09,685 --> 00:29:13,045
{\an8}♪ One is all that you can score ♪
697
00:29:13,125 --> 00:29:15,605
{\an8}♪ Working for the black mask ♪
54021
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