All language subtitles for One.of.Us.2017.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-SiGMA

Yeah, baby.

Yeah, yeah!

Yeah. I got spirit.

911, what is your emergency?

There's people at the door,
banging down the door.

And there's adult men outside.
I'm alone with my children.

- Do you know these people?
- They're my husband's family.

So you're having a family dispute.

No, I have an exclusion,
an order of protection.

The police just left a few minutes ago.

They escorted my husband out,

and he called family and friends
to come bang on my doors.

And I'm alone with the children.

This is very dangerous.

7:02, they got him served.

The minute he left, there's guys
with hammers around my house.

I took my kids to the bathroom.

It's the only room without windows.
And I called 911.

The whole neighborhood knows.

There's a religious law
that one Jew is never allowed

to hand any other Jew to the,
you know, authorities for anything.

I am breaking a religious law
if I press charges.

It wasn't my choice, this marriage.

We met twice, 30 minutes.
Seven months later, we got married.

He was 18 years old, I was 19.
We never spoke, never saw each other.

He sat like this.

And I sat there.

And I didn't hear a word he said.

After 30 minutes, it was over. Done.

"When are we getting married?
Let's get a hall."

That was it.

I'm invisible.

We need to cover our hair
when we get married.

I was 18 years old,
and I had beautiful, black, thick hair.

The next morning,
I had to cut my hair off.

My mom came over to do it with me,
take all the hair off.

For like almost a few months,
I couldn't look in the mirror.

As the years went by through my marriage
and I was having more children

and the abuse was escalating,

his control became insane.

Friday night sex was mandatory.

Yeah.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat,
couldn't walk, I couldn't leave my house.

I was hospitalized
for depression and anxiety.

I was trained motherhood only.

And the human being behind it fell apart.

- Hi, I'm Etty.
- Hi, Etty.

I lived 12 years with a spouse
who beat me, who yelled at me,

who embarrassed me, who really, like,
in every possible way broke me,

and I never responded.

I just had more babies.

I have seven children.

I was post-partum six years in a row.

I never questioned.

When you're married off at 18
and you start having babies right away,

and you have five by the age of 27,

and ten by the time you're 40 for sure,
where's the choice?

Like...
I don't see choice there anywhere.

I don't have any other choice.

I'm jumping into something insane...

and I'm terrified.

The Hasidic community
has a story about Footsteps.

And that is that we come into
the community and we take people out.

But we're not out
to make people not religious.

That's not our mission.

Nobody leaves
unless they're willing to pay the price.

And the price for freedom is really high.

Community is your family.

If you're sick, somebody will show up,
take care of your kids.

Food will be brought to you.

You'd be driven to the hospital
if you can't do it.

You're never alone.

There's so much help,

and there's a huge appeal
to always being helped.

You lose all that when you leave.

All the ladies, please go to the ladies.

All the men, on the street, to the men.

What made you decide to do it?

- Didn't want to live the lie.
- All right.

Didn't want to live the lie.
I was living a lie.

I was pretending
to be something that I wasn't.

I thought about it already for a year.

I decided it's about
damn time, and... I did it.

It's not appropriate
for you to stand here.

You should be standing alone.

I didn't feel like
the person I looked like.

I looked in the mirror and I saw something
that-- this is not what I want to be.

So I chose a different path.

My friends that I grew up with

are not responding to me
when I say, "good morning" to them.

Many of my old friends.

-And they recognize you?
-So...

-Yeah, people I went to school with.
-Mm-hmm.

They don't want any shichus with me,
any connection with me.

A lot of people that clearly know me,
but just ignore me.

It's a human failing. It's a human failing
of not tolerating, uh, the black sheep.

But is it so unique? Is it oppressive?

Humanity is oppressive.

People have to fit in and shut up.

Why? Because this is the nature of humans.
You belong to a group.

There's groupthink.

And if you're a little bit of an outsider,

people are just gonna walk away from you.

I get yelled at for asking questions.

It's been bothering me.

I have a lot of questions
that I asked a lot of people.

-The existence of God or...
-Yeah.

-That's what troubles you.
-Yeah. It's-- It's...

I think--

I feel that if I would have an answer
on a lot of the stuff that...

A lot less anxiety.

In the Hasidic way of looking at things
is we don't delve

into the depth of philosophy,
"Does God exist?" and...

The Hasidim are more about what you do
and doing it repetitively.

This is the way Judaism always--

-For me, it's never working.
-It doesn't work for you.

Okay, it's not working.

Well, it probably--
It's working for many thousands of years.

People are entering a different world.

Like the fly who enters the web
of the spider.

There are those who are already ensnared.

We are here to heed the call of the...

...spiritual leaders of our nation...

...who have recognized and identified

the dangers of the Internet.

Something that threatens
our continued existence as the...

...people of God.

I've seen with my own eyes
people giving children of 11 years old

Blackberrys, and iPhones, and iPods!
Are they out of their minds?

Dear Jews, dear brothers, dear sisters...

...what is happening to us?

Who are we becoming?

- The nation...
- ...of the Torah...

...should deteriorate into a people

of yentayachna.com.

For years,
we've been retreating and retreating.

"We can't stop this, we can't stop this."
Retreat and retreat and retreat.

We can no longer retreat.

Tonight,
we draw the demarcation line in the sand,

and from now on, we're going forward!

I remember being there.

I was about 13.

It had an impact on me.

It was like when I kind of knew
what the Internet was

but hadn't figured out its full potential.

But I really wanted to check it out
one more time.

So I just-- I clicked on it.

Google? What the hell is that?

I couldn't Google how to Google,

I didn't know how to Google
in the first place.

So, yeah, that was tough.
The first breakthrough was that.

So I would just go on websites,

search for random stuff.

When I found out that there's Wikipedia...

When I found out
that there's something Wikipedia,

I was the happiest person alive.

I could search for anything,
and they have a whole article:

how it works, how it's made,
who made it, when it was made.

That was amazing.

Wikipedia was a...

a gift from God. I don't know.

Wikipedia was a gift from God.

Yeah.

I'll-- I'll be completely honest
right now.

I don't know anything.

I don't know the basics of math.

Never went to college, high school, no.

I was in Jewish schools since I was born,
since I went to school the first time.

I have to learn a lot of new things...

...starting with English,
which I think I kinda got.

And I also have to know how people live,
actually, in the world.

Like, how stuff works.

The little stupid things
that I have to ask from strangers.

I show them a picture of my ID
and then ask how stuff works.

Let's stay to the left
to State Route 110 south,

Harbor Freeway.

Stay to the left to State Route 110 South,
Harbor Freeway.

I'm over this song.

This is way better.

♪ Well, you can tell
By the way... ♪

I don't know the lyrics
to any of these things.

♪ No time to talk ♪

♪ All right, it's okay ♪

In half a mile, exit to I-10.

♪ We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man ♪

♪ Stayin' alive, stayin' alive ♪

♪ Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Ha, ha, ha, ♪

Stay to the right
to I-10 West, Santa Monica.

You know what it is?
I feel less ex-Hasidic in L.A.

I feel more like a regular person,
less ex-Hasidic.

I think that's what it is.

I feel like just a dude.

Just a dude. I don't feel ex-Hasidic.

You know, I'm doing what everyone
else in L.A. is trying to do.

Try to get auditions
and, uh, get acting jobs.

Trying to survive.

So now I'm driving Uber
and, uh, doing, you know,

driadlech, as we call 'em.
You know what driadlech are?

It's a, you know...

You know?

It's not illegal. It's like, uh,
creative ways of making money.

All right, what else? Oh, shoes, shoes.
I knew I forgot something.

You know, life is expensive.

So I live in an RV for free.

I-- I don't speak publicly about--
about living here very much

because... it affects my image.

Not that I have an image,

but if I had one, it would affect it,
you know?

I've been in L.A. for three years,
I've done nothing.

I-- I love L.A.

but, you know, when you get a part
to be in a TV show in New York, you go.

I mean, just, like,
I don't find the point in, like, taking--

I'm going to New York.
I'm not going to fucking Mars.

There's nothing I have here
that I can't get at Duane Reade.

I've always been a performer.

My first acting job,
I found on Craigslist.

I searched "Hasidic," I searched "Jewish."

All right, so I think we're gonna start...

The plan was to keep the payos
and the beard,

and-- and corner the market
of Hasidic actors

and then break out from there.

It's a good picture. I love it.

That was the whole plan.

That was the whole hustle.
That was the whole idea.

Listen. Think about it.
It's a ridiculous plan.

It's a completely ridiculous--
It shouldn't have worked.

-Hi.
-Hello.

-I'm Luzer. I'm one of the actors.
-Hello.

-Hi.
-How are you?

- Yeah, exactly.
- She says I need nothing.

- I mean... very little.
- Very little.

- You've got a baby face, man.
- Yeah.

All right. Here we go.
And action on rehearsal.

I think movies
had the biggest influence on me.

When I was a young adult,
I used to go to Blockbuster.

You know, I would look around,

make sure there's no minivans parked
in the parking lot, for example.

And I would buy these DVDs and stuff them

with the spare tire in the car
and come here.

I parked my car here at night
and watched movies in the car.

Until the cop came over to me one day
and asked me what I'm doing here.

And I said, uh, "I'm watching a movie."

"Why here?
Why don't you go home and watch a movie?"

I said, "I can't watch it at home."

He's like, "What are you watching?"
And I said, "It's a great movie.

It's called Crossroads
with Britney Spears."

You know, my excitement
for the secular world is based on movies.

My understanding is based on movies.

My-- My idea of fun in the secular world
is based on movies.

But when you--
when you look at the outside world,

your perception of it is wrong,

and then you go out and you realize
that, actually, if I leave,

I might have to work at McDonald's.

'Cause you don't have any skills.
What are you gonna do?

They have designed the society

where you're unable to make it
in the outside world.

They've designed the world
where if you leave it, your only way--

the only way you can survive
is by being a criminal.

Everybody who leaves, they say--

Everybody who leaves eventually comes back
or they end up in jail or in rehab.

But they never--
they never make it out there.

Dear Jews,

in critical times like this,

go out and show that you care
for the future of your kids.

Go out and vote for a candidate
that understands

that our rights come from God

and not from government.

Please don't waste
your precious vote by staying home.

"A father will walk the streets
with a jacket."

"A mother will demonstrate complete
adherence to the guidelines of modesty."

"Parents will never read
any secular-oriented books."

"There may be no Internet access
in any area of the home."

"Children will never enter
a secular library for any purpose."

That's a lot of rules.
So many, so many, so many rules.

Everything is controlled by the rabbis.

Well, I take baths in the morning,
you know that?

I know, but only today.

So my son who's in second grade

finished this reader,

and it's a chasidish reader, means
all the chasidish schools are using it.

Check out all the girls.

They went through with Magic Marker.

Female, scribble, female, scribble.
Male, male.

I'm surprised they're not putting on
a yarmulke on those.

How did my son circle this answer?
"Sally trips."

How did he know which was which?

Reading and the education
is so deprived of the community.

That's how they keep their control.

You're nasty.

Something is driving you.

- You have something against...
- ...God and Judaism.

The way I see it, you're shooting a gun

and shooting yourself
and the kids as well.

I'm asking you
to stop harassing me now.

No problem.

No problem. Do whatever you want.

I broke the rules
because I wanted a divorce, essentially.

The community makes the decision
that this man is a man in need.

They hired hotshot lawyers that were known
as winning cases in similar situations,

specifically for Hasidic men.

I don't have the proper lawyers
to fight this because I have no money.

They're just waiting for me to fall apart
and walk away.

None of this seems surprising to me.

The Hasidic community
has figured out a way

to look at the secular laws
and to find ways to make it work for them.

There's something in custody cases
called status quo.

And what that means
is they want the children

to have a consistent lifestyle.

So whatever the kids had before
should continue after the divorce.

The Hasidic community is so insular,

that anything outside of it
becomes outside of status quo.

The food you eat,
the way you tie your shoes...

Everything becomes status quo.
It's the way the community works.

And so...

this status quo argument
is what Etty's up against.

Who was there?

- My mom.
- Oh, my God.

Two of my sisters, my brother-in-law...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...my uncle.

And here they are testifying against me.

Oh, my God.

My upstairs neighbor,

she did a whole petition
about everything she knows about me,

every single thing I ever told her.

And we're close like sisters.

Oh, my gosh.

Like, I take my daughter
to the public library,

and she reads secular books.

She was like, "Etty let her kids
watch a movie on this and this date."

Oh, my gosh, Etty, that is a horror story.

I looked her right in the eye
and I told her, "You betrayed me.

And I cannot talk to you ever again."

Yeah.

- Do you speak Yiddish?
- Yeah.

In this park,
is there free Wi-Fi?

Not free, but I can
give you Wi-Fi from my phone.

No, no, no. I'm just asking.

I see a lot of kids around here.

There's free Wi-Fi at this-- at--
at this corner of the park.

Sometimes there's free Wi-Fi.
There's free Wi-Fi all over.

All over.

You can't really stop Hasidic boys

from having free Wi-Fi in Brooklyn.

It makes boys hang out around here.

That's why they put up
the spotlights there, no?

Does that really help?
The boys come here anyway.

- You can't really stop 2015 progress.
- No.

-You know that? All right.
-Yes, yes.

Are you one of us?

- Yes.
- Where did you go to Yeshiva?

Queens. Satmar Boys School,
then Satmar Yeshiva.

Ari Hershkowitz.

How long have you looked like this?

My hair?

About a year.

-How old are you?
-Eighteen.

- You are 18 years old?
- Yeah.

You could use this place to repent.

Two weeks ago,
I got into a dark place.

I ended up taking too much cocaine.

Ended up in the hospital.

And, like, a week or two later,
I overdosed on cocaine again.

I asked my dad if he's angry with me,

and he said something...

really nice.

He said that, in his words,

"It's not you who did it,
it's the addiction inside you."

He was-- He was very understanding.

What have I done?

Have I ever hurt the children?

Have I attempted
to make the children not religious?

Never.

It's not about religion.

They terrify me.

They put on the stand
the guy who was following me

for the past few months.

What?

They can see exactly what I'm doing.

They know when I leave,
they know when I come back.

Today, I left my house
with my bike in the morning.

When I came back,
he's taking pictures of me.

He hates the bike.
He told my kids he's gonna get me.

I can't take this man anymore.
I can't take it anymore.

This is not normal!
This kind of control is sickening!

There's no reason why, in New York State,
this is legal to be controlled like this.

Twelve years, I kept my mouth shut,

and I'm not keeping my mouth shut
anymore about this.

I can't hide anymore.

I can't go back into, you know, hiding.

I can't do it anymore.

I don't think it would have selfish
to leave the marriage

if everything would have been fine
for my kids.

Yeah.

We don't talk about domestic violence.
We don't talk about hitting kids.

We don't talk about sexual abuse.
It's not done.

There's no law here. It's not like...

this whole attitude law doesn't affect us.
My husband kept saying that all along.

"No one's ever gonna remove me
from my home. It's my place.

The law doesn't affect me."

I kept telling him,
"You're hurting the kids.

Police can get involved."
"They can't do anything to me."

It's this kind of attitude.
Law doesn't come in here.

This is exactly the opposite
of what you're allowed to do.

To publicize our secrets,
our beautiful secrets.

The beauty of Judaism
is just being private and quiet

and keeping everything under cover.

This can't go on. It can't be
that we're living in New York...

I'm this kind of person that can't stand
for this kind of behavior

and this kind of covering up.

It's so wrong. It's so wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

"In the forest
where I hid, I found a dog at night.

Sick, hungry, and perhaps also crazy.

I fell on his neck and cried like a child.

It wouldn't be a surprise
if I were to say that at that moment,

I was jealous of the animals.

What I felt was more than jealousy.
It was shame.

It was shame. I was ashamed for the dog
that I was not a dog, but a human."

Stop.

I was ashamed for the dog.

Can you dig what he's saying here?

Yeah.
I was ashamed to be a human.

You have to take
your time and let it sink in for you.

But I want you to take this piece.
I wanna give it to you.

I would love to do it.

I'm trying to figure out
how I can be bi-coastal.

- It's difficult.
- It's hard.

How old were you when you got married?

Nineteen.

How long were you married?

Three years.

Children?

-How many? One, two?
-Two.

Do you still see them?

Not really. No, I, uh, walked away.

You never see them?

You know what?
Listen. Here's the thing, okay?

I would've spent the last eight years
in courts.

And, uh, defending myself
and defending my lifestyle.

- I don't wanna do that.
- Let me ask a question.

So when the character
talks about his kids...

Yeah?

Can you use your experience
with your own to-- to, uh...

I do. I use it all the time.

Um, I have plenty of shit to mine
from my own life.

I have my childhood,
which was very abusive.

You know, and, uh, very dark.

And I have my, uh, my marriage
and my children, who I don't see.

That's why I can't have
relationships. I don't want relationships.

I don't want drama in my real life.

In real life, I am perfectly well.

In real life, I don't have any children.
In real life, I never lost anyone.

Okay.

What happened
was that I was living a double life

for a little over a year
while I was still married.

And she decided to keep quiet about it.

After a year,
she realized that I am not changing.

That this is not a phase.

That I'm-- I'm heading
in a different direction.

So she went and told her dad.

And that was it.

Within a matter of days,
everything came crashing down.

And you have to understand
that nobody knew anything.

Nobody knew
that anything was wrong at all.

And I called my mom and I said,
"Hey, Mom, can I talk to you?"

She was like, "Yeah."
I was like, "Are you sitting down?"

And she said,
"Yes, I'm in bed. I'm laying down."

I said, uh, "I got divorced."

She's like, "What? Why?"

And I said, uh, "I wasn't happy,
and also, I'm not religious anymore."

And...

...she said, "Okay."

She just didn't know how to handle it.
Then she just hung up.

And then we didn't speak for seven years.

That was it.

Nope. Or my dad.

God bless.

I just wanted to tell you that today,
I have 100 days clean.

By the way, it's my 19th birthday.

All right. Good night. Love you, bro.

I definitely learned a lot in here.

Well, I have shorts now.

Yeah, I just went shopping and...
I don't know.

I remembered a Vine that I saw
that says cargo shorts are cool.

So, yeah.

I had an option of basketball shorts.

Not really my style,
so I went with cargo shorts.

They have a lot of pockets.

As far as I know,
my dad had to spend a lot for rehab.

And I am very lucky, I know that.

I just spoke to them maybe once or twice.
I think only once.

Maybe twice,
for the whole time I was here.

Like, they were nice,
but there's not much to talk about.

Except my tiny sister. Two-year-old.

She was figuring out how to talk, so...

She was like... "Hello."

"Good Shabbos."

So she's still pure.

Traumatic experiences
happened to me in the community

that shouldn't happen to anyone.

It's one of the things
that I only told my therapist.

There's this organization
called Jewish Community Watch.

They have a wall of shame
on their website.

And I went with my therapist
on that website.

We checked out the wall of shame
to see if I could recognize someone.

And one of the pictures I saw there
was my principal in summer camp

when I was...

eight years old-ish.

He was my principal at summer camp

and he's on that wall of shame
with a whole thing.

And everybody saw this.

They were peeking in the windows,

all the kids together
standing outside of the building.

I ran out of the building, he chased me,
all the kids watched this.

And I was raped and beaten up.

But, basically, the summer camp told me,

"Nah, you're just thinking--
no, it was probably something else.

He slipped and fell on top of you,
I guess."

Those people are still working
at that summer camp.

Never convicted,
never charged with anything,

never went to prison,
probably still doing it.

Yeah.

Or some people say,
"You were a wild kid, you deserved it."

That happened sometimes.

So for a long time,
I thought I deserved it.

- ♪ How old are you now? ♪
- Are you 24?

My goodness.
Will you let me open my eyes?

Okay, open!

♪ How old are you now? ♪

-Wow! This is so gorgeous.
-♪ How old are you now? ♪

♪ How old are you now? ♪

Are you 24? Are you 25?
Are you 26? Are you 27?

-Are you 28? Are you 29?
-Keep going.

Are you 30? Are you 31? Are you 32?

-Can I make a wish?
-Yes.

One, two, three.

Thanks very much.

Happy birthday. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

This is the best birthday party
in the whole world.

- Mama, take this. Take the chocolate.
- Okay.

Mama's gonna take it in a minute.
I'm getting plates.

Don't put your fingers in. You gotta wait.

Stop. No touching fingers.

Can look from here.

Thank you so, so much for the present.

How many people here
are looking for a job?

We are all here looking for a what?

A J to the O to the B, right?

Yes, sir.

We all need a job. That's the similarity.

Man, how can we help each other get there?

Sometimes, it's your own family.

I'm not asking you
to stop talking to your family

or stop being around people that you love,

but one of the things in this process
is you have to start circling yourself

with people who are positive,

who are doing something
a little bit different

than what you used to do.

I used to walk on the streets
of Manhattan and feel like...

I don't belong here.

I really want to be part of a bigger world
and be able to, like, go to school,

be able to get a job in the secular world,

be able to have the choices
I want to make.

I want my children to have every chance

that anyone else has
who grew up in a stable environment.

Feeling love.

Mommy!

Ma, let's go.

Why do kids need this much stuff? Lord.

Do you know who called me yesterday?

No, I don't know.

Your husband.

He spoke to me,
and he's ready to sit down.

He has no interest to fight in court.

He wants to settle.

But this man is an abuser.
I will not sit down with him.

Let's get to the point.

The court is gonna be
a benefit more for him than for you.

The courts do everything

in favor
of the religious parent community.

I want you to understand something.

The community will never,
never, never... ...give in.

They don't want all
seven children to be modern.

The rabbis told them
to fight this until the very end.

There's nothing you can do.

What's the matter?

Can you come to my house?

Is somebody there
that's not supposed to be there?

No, I was outside on my bike
and a car knocked me down,

and I don't know what happened.

Somebody knocked you down?

This wasn't an accident.

He told my son twice this week

that he's gonna get me
and knock me down on my bike.

He said he's gonna do this to me,
and he did it.

They're just gonna kill me
to get rid of me, and that's it.

Etty, what are you thinking?

What are you doing
to take care of yourself?

Try to live a normal life.

What you're going through
is extremely difficult,

and really hard and unfair.

-It's not me, it's my children.
-It is you too.

It's not me.
I'm an adult, I can deal with it.

It's my kids who have no idea
how to deal with it.

And I have to hear that.

Every day is hell.

Why am I going to court?

Because if you don't show up
in court, then you lose the case.

And not only do you lose the case here,
you lose the case in appeal.

This is why you're going to court.

It's a sham.

I hate to tell you this,
I'm working on a case right now

where it's a very similar situation.

Her kids were taken away from her

and she got so fed up,
she stopped showing up to court.

Do you know that no one
can appeal her case?

The community truly believes

that they are saving the souls
of these kids.

That's the way it is.

The Hasidic community that exists today
is an answer to after World War II.

And so it's an entire community
built on survivors,

with trauma,

and they bring that in.

So now these kids now belong
to whom, to the parents?

Or to the six million that died?

The children are the community's property

These souls were brought into the world
to rectify something,

and that is their driving force.

She's kind of cute, actually.

See that open door over there?
That's where I used to live.

It's my first apartment
after I got married.

My ex-wife moved when we--
when we-- after the divorce.

She moved right around the corner.
I wonder if she still lives there.

That's my brother-in-law right there,
with the hat.

He can't see me. He hates me.

He's very, very religious.

Oh, my God, that's my friend.
He runs a check-cashing business here.

Wait a second.

What are you doing here?
Coming back for a visit?

Yeah, I live in Los Angeles.

You have a life?

Yeah, surprisingly enough, I do.

I'm a different person.

Let's put it this way, I've mellowed.

Listen, I try to be-- I'm not an asshole.

Yeah, I understand. Not a problem.

- You know, I've never been an asshole.
- You know, I...

- I don't know about that.
- Okay.

But we're not going there.

-Do you care if I'm happy or not?
-Yes.

I told you then.

That's why we can be friends.

That's why we can be friends.

I'm not gonna judge what world you're in.

Whatever path you take
and what you decide,

let Him deal with it.

Mom's challah.

Orgasmic.

- Not there.
- We don't want...

- All I want.
- This is something.

- This is, you know, home.
- Yeah.

It's home.

- L'chaim.
- Cheers to that. Cheers.

L'chaim. L'chaim.

L'chaim.

How about you get this?

Okay, let's leave
everything out and just come into it.

This is amazing. Join it.

- This is the best thing ever.
- The best thing ever.

I do miss it, this communal experience.

I don't think I'll ever stop missing it.

But the more of a seeker you are,
the more of a questioner you are...

the more likely you are to leave.

So I recently asked my friend
who's still in the community...

Like, I asked him, "So why..."

You know,
"Why-- Why do you ostracize?

Why does the community ostracize?"

You know, and his argument was like,

"This is how we are able
to maintain the community.

This is the only thing that works,
you know?

Before that, we had Germany.

They weren't able
to hold the community together.

The way that we designed it here,

the stringency, and the rules
and all these things,

that is why we're still here, you know?

That was the only way we could do it.

To rebuild after the Holocaust."

So it's, uh... it's complicated.

This is gonna take courage
for you to say, "God, I'm broken."

"God, I'm a mess."

"God, I need your forgiveness.
I need your redemption."

If that's you,
I'll ask you to put your hand up.

God sees your hand right now.

God sees your hands
as they are in the air.

Don't worry about what the people
next to you are thinking.

Right now,
God wants to do this work in you.

I've always wanted to try new things.

I do want to learn a lot more
about other religions...

but now that I've tried it, then great,
what-- what can I try next?

Try just blue on this one.

Okay.

This is a disaster.

- Love and hugs.
- Love and hugs.

It's an awesome freedom.

Everything that I'm not supposed to do,
I'm free to do it.

It's just great to just hang out
with friends, eat a burger.

Yes, with cheese.

After tasting this life...
eh, no, delete the old one.

Just out of my face, out of here. Yeah.

Ari, how are you?

God Bless.

You got blonde in Florida?

Yeah.

Are you completely done
with the program?

Yeah, all done.

Yeah. Over seven months clean.

- How about finding a job?
- I'm looking for that as well.

I have a full sack of résumés
that I drop off in stores,

places that I can work.

For now, I'll take anything.

Wow. Keep on.
Don't disappoint everybody.

Judaism has wanted a lot from me.

Being raised the way I am,
restricted from a lot of things,

kind of screwed up my whole future life,

because I was raised that way.

And I had to learn all of that on my own
after I was 18 years old.

I was kind of robbed of my life.

The majority who live this life, uh,
um, are quite content.

The implication of what you're saying

is that we need to stop
this entire enterprise,

this Hasidic whatever it is.

This is extreme, let's put an end to it.

-If someone knows--
-As I'm...

And I'm telling you, you're not the first,

and we are here to stay.

Judaism claims that God can do anything.

If God can do absolutely everything,
right, then there is no limit to God.

You hear stories about kids being raped.
Why is God not stopping that?

How is faith gonna help them?

There's no way you can explain that.

-Yeah, how could the Holocaust happen?
-Who--?

Either... there is a God,

and that thing is evil, very evil.

Or there is no God, and that's why
things are the way they are.

Sometimes you are
at a loss for words.

Abuse is such a horrible thing.

I have friends
who have revealed to me things that, um...

that is, uh, you know...

You can't sleep at night
after you listen to them.

There is a tremendous need
for more empathy for people like him.

And the way our community is handling
people like him, handling the issue,

there could be room
for a lot of improvement.

There's no... there's no doubt about it.

Is-- Is there somebody in this world
who could dismiss that?

Imagine living in such a pain constantly.
Constantly.

So I will pray to God.

He should-- Let's reach out to him.
Come back, my little boy.

He should feel an embrace of something.

It's called aruch mi morem,
a-- a spirit from upstairs.

I cry for him.

For his parents.

Because yo-glyden, mish-glyden,
he's in pain. He's in pain.

I got to court today.

My ex was there,

and there were like six or seven
family members with him, and...

Tomorrow, my kids are going away.

And what the judge did say was that,

they keep expressing their hate
towards their father

and they keep expressing
so much love towards their mother

that he's troubled by it.

So he's taking them away from me.

And what he also said
is that I may have no contact with them.

I don't even know how to tell my children

tomorrow morning that 1:00,
you're going away.

There's no basis for it.

The community has been displaying
the children's bad behavior

towards their father as my fault.

Um...

Yeah, and it's just...
My daughter is turning 11,

who I have a special
close relationship with.

He said after two weeks
I can write a letter.

That's what he gave me.

- Sorry.
- Don't be sorry.

The community
is really powerful,

and they have learned
what loopholes to use in the system

to get what they want.

It's really difficult
to raise your children

in a consistent lifestyle
of the way they have been raised,

and to keep status quo

when you're exploring an outside world.

See the line at the bottom
and the line at the top.

There's a lot of letters here.

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

These are letters from my dad.

"To my dear son,
from the sweetness of my soul, Luzer.

How is the studying going?
God should help.

You should have good luck,
and keep excelling

and cause a lot of nachas for God."

I was doing really well those years.
They were really proud of me.

They had no idea
what a fucking nightmare I was gonna be.

I was not happy.
I was not happy at the time.

My sisters.

I think that was the first time
they reached out to me after I left.

And they couldn't really hang out with me,
but they wanted to say hi.

I thought it was very nice.

I'm pretty sure this is me
getting admitted

for trying to commit suicide.

My mom and my sister.

My kids.

I think he's my oldest one.

Yeah, they say he's good.

So they tell me.

Oh, motherfucker.

Oh, man.

I know plenty of happy Hasidic people.

And sometimes,
I wish I could just go along with it

and not ask so many questions.

People want to have an ultimate truth.

We're all out here looking for purpose,
looking for meaning.

And they have that.

They have purpose
and they have meaning.

And I will always be trying to find it.

I thought it would be easy,
and it's not easy.

I don't think I'm actually ready
to live in a fully secular society.

I have this kind of secular anxiety.

I'm not blaming the community
or this rabbi,

this-- this guy who raped me, that guy.

I'm not blaming anyone.

But I have not found yet
what I really want to be a part of.

Hey.

- Mommy?
- Yeah, baby?

Today was awesome.

Today was awesome. Yes, it was.

Super awesome.

See? Together, we're double awesome,
that's right.

-Mommy?
-Yeah, baby?

Yeah, I got it.

-Okay, you ready?
-I am always ready for a quote.

Okay. "I think it's--" No, this one.

"If we all do the things..."

"If we all did the things that we...

that we are capable of doing,
we will literally outstand ourselves."

Oh, wow, that's awesome.

Yeah.

What are you doing
that's capable of doing?

I am not breaking down and crying
every second of my life.

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow, I didn't think you'd say that.

I thought you were gonna say
that you write very well.

But, wow, that's pretty powerful. Yeah.

And you're outstanding yourself
every single day,

and I'm super, super proud of you.

Thanks, Ma.

What do I always say? You gotta be--
Continue being your awesome you, okay?

You always say that.

I will always say it.
I will never get tired of saying it

'cause I want you to continue
being the awesome you.

-Keep it up.
-Thanks.

-And you'll outstand yourself, okay?
-Okay.

-Okay, cutie.
-Bye.

Okay. I love you so much, okay?

-I love you too, Mommy. Bye.
-Bye.

Bye.

Mwah.