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[cheers and applause]
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[dramatic rock music]
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- Please welcome
Mr. Jeff Dunham!
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00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:17,016
♪ ♪
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00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:22,222
How you doing, D.C.?
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[cheers and applause]
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Thanks for
coming out tonight.
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00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:28,628
It is good to be back
in your fair city,
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00:00:28,628 --> 00:00:31,398
and for those of you who are
applauding, you know who I am.
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00:00:31,398 --> 00:00:33,032
Thank you very much.
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00:00:33,032 --> 00:00:36,136
[cheers and applause]
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00:00:39,806 --> 00:00:41,374
For those of you who
have never seen my show,
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00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:42,809
don't know my act,
and you don't know
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00:00:42,809 --> 00:00:44,177
what you're in for tonight,
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00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:47,313
you think those people
were applauding for me.
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00:00:47,313 --> 00:00:48,848
It's fake news.
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00:00:48,848 --> 00:00:50,617
They were applauding for the
little guys in the boxes.
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00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:51,818
Am I right? Yes?
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00:00:51,818 --> 00:00:54,287
[cheers and applause]
20
00:00:55,555 --> 00:00:57,590
But before we get going,
I want to say one thing.
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00:00:57,590 --> 00:01:00,593
Comedians are supposed
to make people laugh.
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- Ha ha ha!
- Thank you.
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00:01:04,497 --> 00:01:05,865
But today,
comedians everywhere
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00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:08,268
are afraid to make jokes
about just about anything,
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for fear of getting canceled--
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00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:11,971
whatever that means.
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[applause]
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[booing]
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But guess what?
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I don't care.
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[cheers and applause]
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Look, if you tell
a joke to 100 people
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and two of those people
get offended,
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whose problem is that?
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Not the 98.
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It's the two boneheads who
don't have a sense of humor
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00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:44,137
and are trying their best to
ruin it for the rest of us.
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00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:50,677
And look,
when it comes to politics,
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00:01:50,677 --> 00:01:53,446
when Trump was in office--
had a lot of fun with that.
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And now...holy crap.
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00:02:08,261 --> 00:02:09,662
But please remember this.
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00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:12,098
If something is said
tonight that offends you,
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it wasn't me--
it was them.
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Now you're ready for the
little people in the boxes.
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00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,739
All right.
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00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:24,744
So right now,
I'm going to introduce to you
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00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:26,613
my friend Walter.
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00:02:30,083 --> 00:02:31,851
However,
before he comes out here,
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he wanted me to read something
to you, and it's right here.
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00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:38,191
He typed this up himself,
and here it is.
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- Ha ha ha ha!
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00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:45,398
- That's the guy
that just realized
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00:02:45,398 --> 00:02:47,867
that maybe
Walter can't actually type.
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"Ladies, and gentlemen,
and others..."
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Oh, two people are leaving.
Right there, I see 'em.
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00:03:02,782 --> 00:03:04,784
There they go.
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00:03:08,288 --> 00:03:10,323
"Tonight, we have
a very special guest.
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"Please welcome the President
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00:03:12,292 --> 00:03:13,826
"of the United States
of America,
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00:03:13,826 --> 00:03:15,595
President Joe Biden."
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["Hail to the Chief" plays]
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♪ ♪
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Well, good evening,
Mr. President.
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- Hello, Jerry.
- Jeff.
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00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,619
- Jeff.
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00:03:46,426 --> 00:03:47,994
- We're happy
to have you here.
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00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:50,163
- Thanks a lot, yeah.
It's great to be here.
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00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:52,365
- Yeah, and I must say, sir,
you look really good.
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00:03:52,365 --> 00:03:53,600
- Thank you, and yes.
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That's all that
really matters, Jack.
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00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:57,704
- Jeff.
- Jeff.
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00:03:57,704 --> 00:03:59,539
- Well, you should
look good, but you also
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00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:01,374
have to do a good job
running the country.
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00:04:01,374 --> 00:04:02,642
- Oh, of course.
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00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:05,545
But that's as easy
as riding a bike.
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00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:11,884
And as president,
did you know
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00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:14,354
that I had done
the impossible?
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00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:15,655
- No, sir.
What did you do?
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00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:18,424
- I fell up a flight of stairs.
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00:04:20,326 --> 00:04:24,130
Three times in ten seconds.
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00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:26,633
First senator to ever do that.
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- President.
- President.
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00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:42,048
I think my son Hunter wants me
to give up cycling for skiing.
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00:04:42,048 --> 00:04:43,249
- Really?
- Yeah.
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00:04:43,249 --> 00:04:46,119
He keeps saying
the powder's great.
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[cheers and applause]
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Sure. That kid is
the smartest man I know.
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00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:58,798
- Really?
- Yeah.
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00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,600
Which tells you one thing.
- What's that?
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00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,403
- I know a lot of dumbasses.
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00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:05,471
- You know, I didn't see
your motorcade
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00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:06,773
driving here tonight.
- Nope.
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00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:10,743
- Why not?
- Uh, the price of gasoline.
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00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:12,345
Have you seen it?
- Yeah.
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00:05:12,345 --> 00:05:14,781
- Someone should do something.
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00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:21,054
Don't look at me.
I just read answers.
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- You know, a lot of folks
are wondering
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00:05:25,391 --> 00:05:26,793
why we don't
just produce the oil
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that's already in
the United States.
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00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,931
[cheers and applause]
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- Wait--what?
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00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:38,271
We can do that?
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00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,573
- Aren't you familiar with
our country's oil production?
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00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:43,176
- Yeah. It's fallen,
and it can't get up!
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00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,610
Ha ha ha ha!
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00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:48,014
- Walter, I'm going to pause
you just for a minute.
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- What?
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00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,250
- You realize you're not
really the president?
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00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:52,585
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
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00:05:52,585 --> 00:05:54,554
- Come on. Everybody says
I look just like him.
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00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:56,622
- Yeah.
- And somebody else is always
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00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:58,758
telling me what to say.
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00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:09,102
- Okay. If you're gonna
pretend to be Biden,
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00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,837
do you want to have, like, a
press conference or something?
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00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:12,171
- Oh, that'd be great.
- Okay.
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00:06:12,171 --> 00:06:14,907
We have good answers
to tough questions.
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00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:21,881
What are you looking for?
- Teleprompter.
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00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,616
- You won't have
a teleprompter.
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00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:26,219
- Then I won't know crap.
- Okay.
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00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,588
- Can I use your phone
as the teleprompter?
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00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:31,491
Isn't all this on there?
- Yeah.
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00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:34,393
Sure. Okay.
It's right here.
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00:06:34,393 --> 00:06:36,329
Read there.
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00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,864
- "Okay.
Then I won't know crap."
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00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,867
- No, you said that.
Okay. The next line.
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00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:45,238
- "Can I use your phone
as a teleprompter?
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00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,974
Jeff pulls out phone.
Walter reads phone."
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00:06:47,974 --> 00:06:51,144
- Not--
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00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,712
- What?
- Don't read
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00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:55,548
the stage directions.
Just go to the next line.
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00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:57,350
- Okay.
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00:06:57,350 --> 00:06:59,485
"Sweetheart, your doctor called
and said your infection--"
133
00:06:59,485 --> 00:07:02,622
- No. That's a text from--
134
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,290
- The hell?
An infection?
135
00:07:04,290 --> 00:07:05,491
What's infected?
136
00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:07,794
Can I catch it?
- No!
137
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:10,129
- Is it like Hunter
got from the hookers?
138
00:07:10,129 --> 00:07:12,532
- No!
No.
139
00:07:12,532 --> 00:07:13,766
- Does it itch?
- No.
140
00:07:13,766 --> 00:07:16,302
- A rash? Hives?
Anal leakage?
141
00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:18,404
- Stop!
142
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:20,907
- Maybe you should
have stopped.
143
00:07:23,810 --> 00:07:26,445
Hey, by the way, did Bubba J
give you a present?
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00:07:26,445 --> 00:07:27,914
- Yes.
- For some reason,
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00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:29,315
he wouldn't tell us
what it was.
146
00:07:29,315 --> 00:07:30,650
- Okay. I don't know why,
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00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,019
but he gave me
a ceramic donkey.
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00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:34,086
- And you got it?
- Yeah, yeah.
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00:07:34,086 --> 00:07:35,488
He gave it to me
on the tour bus
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00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:37,590
right before we came in here.
- And you took it?
151
00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:38,758
- Yeah.
- But you don't get it?
152
00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:40,526
- Don't get what?
- You idiot.
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00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:43,663
You just had your
ass handed to you.
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00:07:50,036 --> 00:07:51,537
You dumbass.
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00:07:53,965 --> 00:07:55,133
- Do you actually
know the Pelosis?
156
00:07:55,133 --> 00:07:56,334
- Oh, yeah.
I used to date Nancy.
157
00:07:56,334 --> 00:07:58,970
- No. No, you didn't.
- Yeah I did.
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00:07:58,970 --> 00:08:00,905
She was kinda hot,
way back when.
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00:08:00,905 --> 00:08:02,240
- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
160
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:06,811
But that was four score
and seven faces ago.
161
00:08:07,979 --> 00:08:09,213
- No. It's not--
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00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:17,755
So what attracted
you to Nancy Pelosi?
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00:08:17,755 --> 00:08:20,591
- Never could put
my finger on it.
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00:08:25,696 --> 00:08:27,865
Well, sorry. That didn't
come out right, did it?
165
00:08:27,865 --> 00:08:29,901
- No.
166
00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:32,336
- See? This is why they don't
let me answer questions.
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00:08:32,336 --> 00:08:34,972
- Right.
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00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:36,574
- I thought about
what I just said,
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00:08:36,574 --> 00:08:38,309
and I threw up in my mouth
a little.
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00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,710
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
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00:08:39,710 --> 00:08:42,180
- I'm kidding.
I'm kidding, I really am.
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00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:45,516
When you look in that woman's
eyes, you really see something.
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00:08:45,516 --> 00:08:46,684
- Really? What?
- Yeah.
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00:08:46,684 --> 00:08:49,287
- Cataracts.
- Okay.
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00:08:49,287 --> 00:08:52,490
- You know, I'm also good
friends with the Clintons.
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00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:53,958
- Really?
- Oh, sure.
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00:08:53,958 --> 00:08:55,960
You don't live this long
being a former friend
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00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,163
of the Clintons.
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00:09:07,538 --> 00:09:10,241
And good luck to you,
after this special comes out.
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00:09:10,241 --> 00:09:11,943
- Thank you.
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00:09:14,912 --> 00:09:16,847
So during your first
year-and-a-half in office,
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00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:19,183
your critics say
that things really
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00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:22,286
started to go downhill for you
after the Afghanistan pullout.
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00:09:22,286 --> 00:09:24,522
- You said "pullout."
185
00:09:26,724 --> 00:09:28,593
Usually does go downhill
after that,
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00:09:28,593 --> 00:09:31,462
you know what I'm saying?
187
00:09:31,462 --> 00:09:33,030
- Can we talk about Mexico?
188
00:09:33,030 --> 00:09:35,066
- Oui-oui.
189
00:09:36,901 --> 00:09:39,136
Hey, is the
vice president here?
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00:09:39,136 --> 00:09:40,605
No. Why?
191
00:09:40,605 --> 00:09:43,708
- It's been so long, I've
forgotten what he looks like.
192
00:09:45,843 --> 00:09:47,578
- You know, it's a she.
She!
193
00:09:47,578 --> 00:09:49,513
The vice president is a woman.
194
00:09:49,513 --> 00:09:52,049
- Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
195
00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:54,185
A woman vice president?
Yeah, right.
196
00:09:54,185 --> 00:09:57,054
When's that gonna happen?
Not till the 2000s.
197
00:09:59,857 --> 00:10:02,293
Oh, two more just walked out.
198
00:10:03,928 --> 00:10:06,631
- Ever since you sent
Vice President Harris
199
00:10:06,631 --> 00:10:08,132
to the Mexican border,
we haven't heard
200
00:10:08,132 --> 00:10:10,167
much of anything
from her about that.
201
00:10:10,167 --> 00:10:11,969
- Oh, bet she did
what I do now and then
202
00:10:11,969 --> 00:10:14,605
and just wandered off.
203
00:10:14,605 --> 00:10:15,773
- Really?
- Yeah. I usually get as far
204
00:10:15,773 --> 00:10:16,941
as the electric fence.
205
00:10:16,941 --> 00:10:18,376
It's like, "Guys,
can I get through here?"
206
00:10:18,376 --> 00:10:19,577
[chhhhhh]
207
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,412
Ahh!
208
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,580
Pull out!
209
00:10:22,580 --> 00:10:24,582
Ha ha ha ha.
210
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,756
- We're talking about
Vice President Harris.
211
00:10:31,756 --> 00:10:34,925
- I know.
Cana clana clama kalishama
212
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:37,928
kama kama
shala la la ding dong.
213
00:10:39,297 --> 00:10:41,299
Wait. This is how
I remember her name.
214
00:10:41,299 --> 00:10:44,235
It goes like this:
♪ Kam-kam-kam kam-kamala ♪
215
00:10:44,235 --> 00:10:46,671
♪ Kam-kam-kam
Kam-kamala ♪
216
00:10:46,671 --> 00:10:48,973
♪ Kanala-la-la-la ♪
217
00:10:48,973 --> 00:10:51,342
♪ Hoo ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
218
00:10:54,211 --> 00:10:55,746
[sniffing]
219
00:11:00,818 --> 00:11:02,920
- Do you think you're
fit to be president?
220
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:04,355
- Well, my wife thinks I am.
221
00:11:04,355 --> 00:11:06,390
- Really?
- You know, she's a doctor.
222
00:11:06,390 --> 00:11:08,693
- Yeah?
- Yeah, and we play doctor,
223
00:11:08,693 --> 00:11:10,294
if you know what I'm saying.
224
00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:11,629
- Great.
225
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:12,697
- You want to know what we do?
- Not really.
226
00:11:12,697 --> 00:11:14,298
- Yeah. Well, when it's time
227
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:16,300
I say, "Hey, honey,
want to play doctor?"
228
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,468
- Great.
229
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:18,836
- And she's always like,
"Well, yes I do."
230
00:11:18,836 --> 00:11:20,971
- Yeah?
- Then she makes me wait
231
00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:23,341
outside her office
for three hours.
232
00:11:25,976 --> 00:11:28,012
- So do you still wear a mask
while in the White House?
233
00:11:28,012 --> 00:11:30,247
- Only at nighttime,
and it's my Donald Trump mask.
234
00:11:30,247 --> 00:11:32,149
- Oh.
- I love scaring the crap
235
00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:34,452
outta Jill.
236
00:11:34,452 --> 00:11:36,520
I like sticking my head
through the door and going,
237
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,756
"Heeeere's Donny!"
238
00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,861
I love those idiots who wore
their masks over their mouths,
239
00:11:43,861 --> 00:11:45,296
but not their noses.
240
00:11:45,296 --> 00:11:46,797
You dimwits.
241
00:11:46,797 --> 00:11:49,200
That's like wearing
a condom on your nuts.
242
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:55,740
- Say good night, Walter.
- Good night, America!
243
00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:58,109
- That's Walter.
244
00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:06,517
- He's from
somewhere down South.
245
00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,053
Please help me welcome Bubba J!
246
00:12:09,053 --> 00:12:12,256
[cheers and applause]
247
00:12:12,256 --> 00:12:14,425
♪ ♪
248
00:12:14,425 --> 00:12:17,128
- [giggling]
249
00:12:17,128 --> 00:12:21,031
- How you doing, Bubba J?
- I'm doing pretty good!
250
00:12:21,031 --> 00:12:23,567
Thank you.
Yep, yep.
251
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:25,002
- And I'm glad you're here.
252
00:12:25,002 --> 00:12:27,571
- Well, I am very happy
to be here tonight,
253
00:12:27,571 --> 00:12:32,309
and I think the ladies
are especially happy I'm here.
254
00:12:34,078 --> 00:12:35,746
- So Bubba J,
is your drinking--
255
00:12:35,746 --> 00:12:37,214
- [indistinct yelling]
- Okay.
256
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,116
That's my sister.
257
00:12:44,789 --> 00:12:47,358
Ooh-ooh-ooh!
258
00:12:52,696 --> 00:12:54,498
Guess the bus
from West Virginia
259
00:12:54,498 --> 00:12:58,302
got here tonight, huh?
- I guess so.
260
00:13:00,538 --> 00:13:02,173
- Yee-haw!
261
00:13:02,173 --> 00:13:04,975
- So Bubba J, how are things
going at home for you?
262
00:13:04,975 --> 00:13:06,076
- Pretty good.
- Yeah?
263
00:13:06,076 --> 00:13:07,611
- Yeah.
- Who lives there now?
264
00:13:07,611 --> 00:13:10,581
- It's just my sister and my
wife and my drinking buddy.
265
00:13:10,581 --> 00:13:13,117
- Oh, so you have three other
people living in the house?
266
00:13:13,117 --> 00:13:16,086
- [laughing]
No, that's all the same person.
267
00:13:21,992 --> 00:13:23,227
I love this crowd.
- Why?
268
00:13:23,227 --> 00:13:24,662
- My kind of folks.
- Yeah?
269
00:13:24,662 --> 00:13:26,964
- Hee hee. Looks like
a couple of guys up front
270
00:13:26,964 --> 00:13:28,399
are already hammered.
271
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,335
Oh, look at that
lady right there.
272
00:13:31,335 --> 00:13:33,838
Whoo!
273
00:13:33,838 --> 00:13:35,506
She is hot.
274
00:13:35,506 --> 00:13:37,908
Oops! That's a guy.
275
00:13:39,877 --> 00:13:41,512
Sorry, sir.
276
00:13:41,512 --> 00:13:45,149
Or they.
Sorry, they.
277
00:13:45,149 --> 00:13:47,718
But you have to admit,
for a guy, he's kinda hot.
278
00:13:47,718 --> 00:13:49,286
- Well--
- Aw, you know what I mean?
279
00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:50,754
- Not really.
- Come on.
280
00:13:50,754 --> 00:13:51,889
When a guy's really
hot it's like,
281
00:13:51,889 --> 00:13:55,426
"I'm not gay, but if I was..."
282
00:13:57,027 --> 00:13:59,029
- Bubba J.
- All I'm saying is
283
00:13:59,029 --> 00:14:01,966
hubba-hubba, my man.
284
00:14:01,966 --> 00:14:04,301
- So Bubba J, do you pay
attention to politics?
285
00:14:04,301 --> 00:14:06,504
No. I'm scared-a
any kinda ticks.
286
00:14:06,504 --> 00:14:08,138
- No.
287
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:10,107
I mean do you pay
attention to the issues?
288
00:14:10,107 --> 00:14:12,643
- Yeah.
I have a lot of issues.
289
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,645
- Are you familiar with
our current president?
290
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:18,782
- Oh, sure. He's right there,
in that box right there.
291
00:14:18,782 --> 00:14:20,017
- No. That's Walter.
292
00:14:20,017 --> 00:14:21,085
He's pretending
he's the president.
293
00:14:21,085 --> 00:14:24,054
- Well, so is the real guy.
294
00:14:25,956 --> 00:14:28,192
[loud cheers and applause]
295
00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:31,929
- You know, if President
Biden runs for reelection,
296
00:14:31,929 --> 00:14:33,731
he'll be 81.
297
00:14:33,731 --> 00:14:35,666
- Oh, you know what else
is 81?
298
00:14:35,666 --> 00:14:37,568
- What?
- My credit score.
299
00:14:37,568 --> 00:14:38,836
- Oh.
300
00:14:39,904 --> 00:14:41,405
- But your wife is well?
301
00:14:41,405 --> 00:14:42,840
- Oh, yeah.
She's great.
302
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,441
She looks good too.
- I'm sure.
303
00:14:44,441 --> 00:14:46,143
- Yeah.
She put on some weight
304
00:14:46,143 --> 00:14:48,612
during the pandemic,
so now she looks even better.
305
00:14:48,612 --> 00:14:50,047
- I see.
- Yeah.
306
00:14:50,047 --> 00:14:51,749
I know I don't
look good naked,
307
00:14:51,749 --> 00:14:53,484
but when my wife undresses,
308
00:14:53,484 --> 00:14:55,986
hubba-hubba!
309
00:14:55,986 --> 00:14:57,288
It is hot.
310
00:14:57,288 --> 00:14:58,923
When she's wearin'
yoga pants,
311
00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:03,160
it looks like cranberry sauce
sliding out of the can.
312
00:15:05,095 --> 00:15:07,031
And it makes the same noise--
313
00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:09,199
cccchhhup.
314
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:20,878
I love it.
Cheap, sweet, and jiggly.
315
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,780
- Please stop.
- You can still see
316
00:15:22,780 --> 00:15:24,448
all the lines on her too.
317
00:15:24,448 --> 00:15:25,816
- That's enough.
318
00:15:25,816 --> 00:15:28,852
- That is my Thanksgiving
right there, my friend.
319
00:15:28,852 --> 00:15:30,521
- So you like her extra weight?
320
00:15:30,521 --> 00:15:31,956
- It ain't extra.
She's perfect.
321
00:15:31,956 --> 00:15:33,591
- Great.
- Yeah.
322
00:15:33,591 --> 00:15:35,893
- And what do you guys do
as a couple for fun?
323
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,329
- Well, we got a bicycle
built for two.
324
00:15:38,329 --> 00:15:39,630
- That's great.
- Yeah.
325
00:15:39,630 --> 00:15:42,333
Now I gotta find
something to ride on.
326
00:15:44,468 --> 00:15:46,203
- What about music?
- What about it?
327
00:15:46,203 --> 00:15:48,238
- What's your wife's
favorite song?
328
00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:52,142
- Hee hee. Whatever the
ice cream truck is playing.
329
00:15:53,677 --> 00:15:55,579
- So look, I know it's none
of my business, but have you
330
00:15:55,579 --> 00:15:57,815
and your wife ever joined
the mile-high club?
331
00:15:57,815 --> 00:16:00,417
-Ha. Buddy, there ain't
a plane on this planet
332
00:16:00,417 --> 00:16:03,354
that could get her a mile
off the ground.
333
00:16:05,055 --> 00:16:06,991
And you know,
I hadn't told you yet,
334
00:16:06,991 --> 00:16:09,693
but, um, we're expecting
another kid.
335
00:16:09,693 --> 00:16:11,295
- Oh, congratulations.
336
00:16:11,295 --> 00:16:13,364
- Yeah. I want her to
have it in the hospital,
337
00:16:13,364 --> 00:16:15,232
but she wants to
do a water birth
338
00:16:15,232 --> 00:16:17,001
in our neighbor's hot tub.
339
00:16:17,001 --> 00:16:18,569
- I see.
340
00:16:18,569 --> 00:16:20,004
- Yeah, but I don't
think a kid should
341
00:16:20,004 --> 00:16:23,941
be born in the same place
it was conceived.
342
00:16:25,976 --> 00:16:30,047
[watery crying]
Blblblblblblb!
343
00:16:34,685 --> 00:16:38,255
[watery voice]
I'm down here, Mommy!
344
00:16:43,477 --> 00:16:44,512
- Bubba J, we've
come to what I think
345
00:16:44,512 --> 00:16:46,047
is your favorite
part of the show.
346
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:47,281
- Can I introduce it?
- Go ahead.
347
00:16:47,281 --> 00:16:48,849
- Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
348
00:16:48,849 --> 00:16:50,284
welcome
to the part of the show
349
00:16:50,284 --> 00:16:52,453
where you get to hear
what I think about stuff
350
00:16:52,453 --> 00:16:56,524
after I've had a few,
which is like all the time.
351
00:16:58,326 --> 00:16:59,293
Yep.
352
00:17:02,029 --> 00:17:06,467
This is called Bubba J's
Drinkin' & Thinkin'.
353
00:17:08,869 --> 00:17:10,805
Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.
354
00:17:10,805 --> 00:17:12,306
Oh ho, there you go.
355
00:17:12,306 --> 00:17:14,909
[soft music plays]
Oh. There's the music.
356
00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:19,580
Romantic and kinda soft
and sexy.
357
00:17:19,580 --> 00:17:26,220
♪ ♪
358
00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:29,056
Can you look into my eyes?
359
00:17:29,056 --> 00:17:32,393
Yeah.
I know it's not easy...
360
00:17:32,393 --> 00:17:34,428
'cause one eye goes this way,
361
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,831
and the other eye
goes that way.
362
00:17:36,831 --> 00:17:39,033
And you're looking at me, and
you're going, "What the hell?
363
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,202
Which one do I look at?"
364
00:17:41,202 --> 00:17:43,337
Okay.
That's the wrong one.
365
00:17:45,206 --> 00:17:47,675
- Just start.
- Okay. There. Here we go.
366
00:17:47,675 --> 00:17:51,879
I think that installing a
smoke detector in my chimney
367
00:17:51,879 --> 00:17:54,081
was a bad idea.
368
00:17:55,816 --> 00:17:58,886
Sometimes I get so drunk
that I can't remember
369
00:17:58,886 --> 00:18:00,554
how to set my alarm clock,
370
00:18:00,554 --> 00:18:04,358
so I just turn on my microwave
for eight hours.
371
00:18:08,095 --> 00:18:10,665
From now on,
no more prostate exams,
372
00:18:10,665 --> 00:18:12,667
unless it's by someone
373
00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:15,736
who actually works
in the medical field.
374
00:18:21,509 --> 00:18:23,377
Whoever named them
Rocky Mountain oysters
375
00:18:23,377 --> 00:18:26,347
had a lot of balls.
376
00:18:28,049 --> 00:18:30,718
I get comfort in the fact
knowing that
377
00:18:30,718 --> 00:18:34,755
those dedicated folks
who spend their entire lives
378
00:18:34,755 --> 00:18:38,025
exercising and eating healthy
all the time
379
00:18:38,025 --> 00:18:40,795
are still going to die.
380
00:18:46,767 --> 00:18:49,537
I love Walmart
because I can buy naval jelly,
381
00:18:49,537 --> 00:18:52,339
petroleum jelly, KY jelly,
and grape jelly
382
00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:54,742
all in the same damn place.
383
00:18:57,678 --> 00:19:00,314
But be careful,
because only one of those
384
00:19:00,314 --> 00:19:02,516
can be used on toast.
385
00:19:03,984 --> 00:19:09,123
But grape jelly can be used
on damn near everything.
386
00:19:09,123 --> 00:19:12,426
Oh, yeah.
♪ Boom chicka wow-wow ♪
387
00:19:15,496 --> 00:19:16,897
Why do they call it
the lazy eye
388
00:19:16,897 --> 00:19:20,134
when it's the one doin'
all the looking around?
389
00:19:20,134 --> 00:19:25,306
Ah, ah, ah, ah...
hee hee hee!
390
00:19:25,306 --> 00:19:28,242
At least if a guy runs
out of clean underwear,
391
00:19:28,242 --> 00:19:30,811
he can still wear a sock.
392
00:19:34,315 --> 00:19:36,150
It's my only wiener joke.
I swear to God.
393
00:19:36,150 --> 00:19:38,719
- Okay.
394
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,455
- One bite of a protein bar,
and you'll realize
395
00:19:41,455 --> 00:19:44,191
you'd rather be fat.
396
00:19:44,992 --> 00:19:49,430
Today, I went to a restaurant
that had the LGBTQ+:
397
00:19:49,430 --> 00:19:51,298
lettuce, bacon,
guacamole, tomato,
398
00:19:51,298 --> 00:19:54,101
quarter-pounder, plus fries.
399
00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:03,577
But I do not want
the secret sauce.
400
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:09,450
Artificial intelligence
is what guys get
401
00:20:09,450 --> 00:20:12,753
when they stare at fake boobs.
402
00:20:15,289 --> 00:20:17,925
If the king of beers is Bud,
doesn't that mean
403
00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:21,195
the queen of beers is Busch?
404
00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:24,331
And now, you're wondering,
405
00:20:24,331 --> 00:20:26,634
"Why the hell
didn't I think of that?"
406
00:20:26,634 --> 00:20:28,669
And that's another
installment
407
00:20:28,669 --> 00:20:32,907
of Bubba J's
Drinkin' & Thinkin'.
408
00:20:32,907 --> 00:20:35,109
- Say goodnight, Bubba J.
409
00:20:35,109 --> 00:20:36,977
- Thanks, D.C.!
410
00:20:36,977 --> 00:20:39,680
- There we go.
411
00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:48,022
You know, we all get
stuck on our smart devices
412
00:20:48,022 --> 00:20:51,492
a little too much of the time,
and this guy is no different.
413
00:20:51,492 --> 00:20:53,661
His name is Url,
but you spell it U-R-L.
414
00:20:53,661 --> 00:20:56,797
Please help me welcome
the new guy, Url.
415
00:20:56,797 --> 00:20:59,733
[rock music]
416
00:20:59,733 --> 00:21:03,237
♪ ♪
417
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:44,278
- Hi, Url.
- Hey, dude.
418
00:21:44,278 --> 00:21:46,914
- What are you doing?
- I'm texting.
419
00:21:46,914 --> 00:21:50,351
- I know, but why now?
420
00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:52,853
Url?
- I'm texting!
421
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,955
- Okay, but you know
we have an audience.
422
00:21:54,955 --> 00:21:57,992
- Yeah.
A lot of them are texting too.
423
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,328
- Who are you texting?
424
00:22:01,328 --> 00:22:03,764
- I just texted you,
"Hi, Jeff."
425
00:22:06,967 --> 00:22:10,404
- It says, "Hi, jerk."
426
00:22:10,404 --> 00:22:13,774
- Oh, damn you, autocorrect.
427
00:22:13,774 --> 00:22:16,076
- Why are you texting
when we could be talking?
428
00:22:16,076 --> 00:22:19,580
- Why are you talking when
we could be texting?
429
00:22:19,580 --> 00:22:21,615
- You know, Url, speaking
in person is a better
430
00:22:21,615 --> 00:22:25,653
form of communication.
- Says you, Boomer.
431
00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:30,691
- Okay. How about this?
432
00:22:30,691 --> 00:22:34,194
Did you know that when I
was your age, water was free?
433
00:22:34,194 --> 00:22:35,930
- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
434
00:22:35,930 --> 00:22:39,533
- I guess next you're gonna
tell me you paid for porn.
435
00:22:45,172 --> 00:22:47,841
- Actually we did, yeah.
436
00:22:47,841 --> 00:22:52,513
- But today we pay for water,
and porn is free.
437
00:22:52,513 --> 00:22:55,049
- That's right. I think
we can agree on one thing.
438
00:22:55,049 --> 00:22:56,216
- Good tradeoff?
- Yep.
439
00:22:56,216 --> 00:22:58,452
- Cool.
- All right.
440
00:23:01,021 --> 00:23:02,456
How about this?
441
00:23:02,456 --> 00:23:04,091
You know, my generation
invented the internet
442
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:05,960
and the personal computer.
443
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,296
- Oh, so without you guys,
I wouldn't have my phone?
444
00:23:09,296 --> 00:23:11,031
- Probably not.
445
00:23:11,031 --> 00:23:12,633
What are you doing?
446
00:23:12,633 --> 00:23:16,170
- I just gave you the highest
compliment someone my age can.
447
00:23:16,170 --> 00:23:17,371
- What's that?
448
00:23:17,371 --> 00:23:20,007
- I just followed
you on TikTok.
449
00:23:20,007 --> 00:23:22,209
- Okay, but right now,
we're doing a live show
450
00:23:22,209 --> 00:23:23,911
for a live audience.
- Why?
451
00:23:23,911 --> 00:23:27,781
They could just stay home
and watch it on YouTube.
452
00:23:27,781 --> 00:23:29,483
- It's not gonna be on YouTube.
453
00:23:29,483 --> 00:23:32,052
- Hmm. Yes, it is.
454
00:23:34,388 --> 00:23:36,523
- No one here is recording it.
455
00:23:36,523 --> 00:23:39,493
- Dude, you are dumber
than you look.
456
00:23:42,563 --> 00:23:44,231
- You know, things
are not as good when
457
00:23:44,231 --> 00:23:47,101
you just see it on a screen.
- Yeah? Like what?
458
00:23:47,101 --> 00:23:48,769
- A concert. Sports.
459
00:23:48,769 --> 00:23:50,871
- Sex?
460
00:23:50,871 --> 00:23:53,440
- I would think it's not as
good watching on a screen.
461
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:55,743
- Yeah. You're watching
the wrong [bleep].
462
00:24:01,081 --> 00:24:03,484
- Look, this is
a live comedy show.
463
00:24:03,484 --> 00:24:06,120
- I'd rather watch it on TV!
- Why?
464
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:09,923
- I can fast forward
through the lame stuff.
465
00:24:09,923 --> 00:24:12,760
- Have you seen any lame
stuff so far tonight?
466
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:14,261
- No.
- Thank you.
467
00:24:14,261 --> 00:24:15,863
- Because
I've been on my phone.
468
00:24:18,032 --> 00:24:19,600
- So you're addicted
to your phone.
469
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:21,168
- Yeah, and?
- Many of us are,
470
00:24:21,168 --> 00:24:23,771
but you don't think too much
phone time is a bad thing?
471
00:24:23,771 --> 00:24:25,639
- Just make sure
the camera doesn't come on
472
00:24:25,639 --> 00:24:27,708
when you're toilet texting.
473
00:24:29,810 --> 00:24:32,312
- Well, I don't think
that's ever happened to me.
474
00:24:32,312 --> 00:24:33,847
- [muffled]
Ha ha ha!
475
00:24:39,671 --> 00:24:40,839
- Okay. How about this.
Where do you live?
476
00:24:40,839 --> 00:24:43,608
- In a basement apartment.
- Okay.
477
00:24:43,608 --> 00:24:45,610
Do you at least talk to
your landlord now and then?
478
00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:47,145
Some. Not a lot.
- Okay.
479
00:24:47,145 --> 00:24:49,814
- But she does my laundry,
makes me pancakes,
480
00:24:49,814 --> 00:24:52,717
and calls me her little angel.
481
00:24:52,717 --> 00:24:54,152
- You mean your
landlord is your--
482
00:24:54,152 --> 00:24:58,523
- Yeah. My effing mom, okay?
She's my mom.
483
00:24:58,523 --> 00:25:00,391
- How about your father?
484
00:25:00,391 --> 00:25:02,126
- Oh, you mean
the superintendent?
485
00:25:03,828 --> 00:25:05,797
- So it's not really
your own place.
486
00:25:05,797 --> 00:25:07,565
You live with your parents.
- No!
487
00:25:07,565 --> 00:25:08,800
- Yeah.
You live in their basement.
488
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,503
- No. They live in my attic.
489
00:25:13,605 --> 00:25:15,907
- So when do you plan on
getting your own actual place?
490
00:25:15,907 --> 00:25:18,943
When you get a job?
- Ha ha ha ha ha!
491
00:25:18,943 --> 00:25:21,312
Oh, you're serious.
- Yeah.
492
00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:22,914
Do you have any aspirations?
493
00:25:22,914 --> 00:25:25,416
- I'm thinking of becoming
a life coach.
494
00:25:25,416 --> 00:25:27,151
- Ah.
What's holding you back?
495
00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:30,722
- I gotta get a life.
496
00:25:30,722 --> 00:25:33,258
Hey, what do you do for a job?
497
00:25:33,258 --> 00:25:34,392
- What do I do?
- Yeah.
498
00:25:34,392 --> 00:25:36,294
- What do you think this is?
499
00:25:36,294 --> 00:25:38,162
- Your intervention?
500
00:25:40,098 --> 00:25:42,500
- Have you done anything
with your life so far?
501
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:45,203
- Yeah.
I have a room full of trophies.
502
00:25:45,203 --> 00:25:48,106
- For what?
- Participating.
503
00:25:56,381 --> 00:25:58,750
- Okay. What kind of a job
would you like to have?
504
00:25:58,750 --> 00:26:00,752
- I want to be a
stay-at-home dad.
505
00:26:00,752 --> 00:26:04,088
With no kids.
- All right.
506
00:26:04,088 --> 00:26:06,357
Why do you still live
with your parents?
507
00:26:06,357 --> 00:26:08,893
They won't move.
508
00:26:08,893 --> 00:26:10,395
- Have you thought
about moving?
509
00:26:10,395 --> 00:26:12,063
- Only when I bring home
a girl.
510
00:26:12,063 --> 00:26:14,265
- Ah, okay.
How often does that happen?
511
00:26:14,265 --> 00:26:15,567
- It will.
512
00:26:17,669 --> 00:26:19,304
- What about dating?
513
00:26:19,304 --> 00:26:21,706
- You're not my type.
514
00:26:21,706 --> 00:26:24,509
- I didn't mean me.
- Oh, now you're a tease.
515
00:26:24,509 --> 00:26:27,278
I hate chicks like you.
516
00:26:27,278 --> 00:26:29,514
- I'm not a woman.
- Okay.
517
00:26:29,514 --> 00:26:31,516
You know, you could be.
518
00:26:31,516 --> 00:26:33,217
Yeah. Change a couple
of pronouns,
519
00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:36,487
and you're in the ladies'
room, my man.
520
00:26:38,456 --> 00:26:40,491
- Url--
- I'm seeing someone, okay?
521
00:26:40,491 --> 00:26:42,026
- Oh! Okay.
That's great. Who is she?
522
00:26:42,026 --> 00:26:45,997
- Not exactly sure.
I'm stalking her on Instagram.
523
00:26:45,997 --> 00:26:48,700
- Stalking?
- Actually, she friended me.
524
00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:50,668
She is totally hot.
525
00:26:50,668 --> 00:26:52,270
- A hot girl wants
to be your friend?
526
00:26:52,270 --> 00:26:54,539
- Yeah. I just hope this
one is real and not
527
00:26:54,539 --> 00:26:56,274
like that last girl
who turned out to be
528
00:26:56,274 --> 00:26:59,677
a guy in a van named Stuart.
529
00:27:00,912 --> 00:27:04,482
- What happened?
- Nothing. I swear to God.
530
00:27:04,482 --> 00:27:06,884
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
531
00:27:06,884 --> 00:27:09,120
- What'd your parents think?
- My dad didn't care.
532
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:12,256
He said at least it got me
out of the effing house.
533
00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:15,526
- You need to meet a girl.
A real girl.
534
00:27:15,526 --> 00:27:16,861
- I have one.
- You do?
535
00:27:16,861 --> 00:27:18,496
- Yeah. I stole yours.
- What?
536
00:27:18,496 --> 00:27:22,500
- Yeah. I had to inflate her
again, but she's mine now.
537
00:27:25,470 --> 00:27:28,306
So to find your wife, which
hookup app did you use?
538
00:27:28,306 --> 00:27:29,641
- I didn't use an app.
539
00:27:29,641 --> 00:27:31,776
- How'd you let her know
you were interested
540
00:27:31,776 --> 00:27:33,611
without swiping right?
Did you just shove her
541
00:27:33,611 --> 00:27:36,914
to the right?
542
00:27:36,914 --> 00:27:39,517
- Url, you really
need human contact.
543
00:27:39,517 --> 00:27:41,285
- That's what
started monkey pox.
544
00:27:44,789 --> 00:27:46,991
- Okay, is there a type of
woman you're attracted to?
545
00:27:46,991 --> 00:27:48,693
- Well, I don't want
to be canceled,
546
00:27:48,693 --> 00:27:53,698
but I would like to date
a woman who is a woman.
547
00:27:53,698 --> 00:27:55,400
- I think that's
a reasonable request.
548
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:59,470
- It's different out there now.
One day it's, "Hi, Tommy."
549
00:27:59,470 --> 00:28:02,240
The next day
it's, "Hey, Tammy."
550
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:04,342
Not that there's
anything wrong with that,
551
00:28:04,342 --> 00:28:08,079
but don't buy your Christmas
presents too early.
552
00:28:09,247 --> 00:28:11,749
Last year, I was like,
"Hey, Tammy.
553
00:28:11,749 --> 00:28:14,619
I hope you like
your torque wrench."
554
00:28:15,620 --> 00:28:17,255
- Women can use tools.
555
00:28:17,255 --> 00:28:20,191
- Okay, but if my girlfriend
has grease on her hands,
556
00:28:20,191 --> 00:28:23,628
I want it to be Vaseline
and not Valvoline.
557
00:28:26,130 --> 00:28:28,066
- All right, let's practice
some dialogue for the bar.
558
00:28:28,066 --> 00:28:29,867
A little role-playing.
- Role-playing.
559
00:28:29,867 --> 00:28:33,971
Does this involve handcuffs
and a leather blindfold?
560
00:28:33,971 --> 00:28:37,575
Because I've been down this
road before, and it actually
561
00:28:37,575 --> 00:28:40,878
does not have a happy ending.
562
00:28:40,878 --> 00:28:42,980
- Look, I'm gonna
pretend I'm a woman.
563
00:28:42,980 --> 00:28:45,817
- That's how
the other one started.
564
00:28:47,251 --> 00:28:49,353
- That's really dark.
- Only if you let 'em
565
00:28:49,353 --> 00:28:51,456
put on the blindfold.
566
00:28:51,456 --> 00:28:52,757
- Right.
- It feels like
567
00:28:52,757 --> 00:28:55,059
you've done this before.
568
00:28:55,059 --> 00:28:56,561
- Just act like I'm
a girl you want to meet.
569
00:28:56,561 --> 00:28:58,429
- I'm not that good an actor.
570
00:28:58,429 --> 00:28:59,864
- Just try.
571
00:28:59,864 --> 00:29:01,733
You see me at the bar,
and what's the first thing
572
00:29:01,733 --> 00:29:04,502
you'd say to me?
- Hey, dude.
573
00:29:04,502 --> 00:29:07,772
- I'm a woman.
- I knew it!
574
00:29:07,772 --> 00:29:08,740
- Say good night, Url.
575
00:29:08,740 --> 00:29:09,907
- Thanks, dudes!
576
00:29:09,907 --> 00:29:11,676
- And that's Url, the new guy.
577
00:29:11,676 --> 00:29:13,177
- Later!
578
00:29:20,618 --> 00:29:23,821
- He's purple.
He's wacky.
579
00:29:23,821 --> 00:29:26,224
Please help me welcome
my buddy Peanut!
580
00:29:26,224 --> 00:29:28,626
[cheers and applause]
581
00:29:28,626 --> 00:29:33,097
♪ ♪
582
00:29:37,235 --> 00:29:38,636
- How you doing, Peanut?
- Doing pretty good.
583
00:29:38,636 --> 00:29:39,904
How about you?
- I'm fine.
584
00:29:39,904 --> 00:29:42,440
- That's good, that's good,
that's good!
585
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,742
Ha ha! This is great.
586
00:29:44,742 --> 00:29:46,544
I'm so happy to be here.
Do you know what?
587
00:29:46,544 --> 00:29:47,812
- What?
588
00:29:47,812 --> 00:29:49,113
- You are no longer
6 feet away.
589
00:29:49,113 --> 00:29:51,282
- That's right.
- 6 feet, 6 feet, 6, feet!
590
00:29:51,282 --> 00:29:53,117
- Will you cut it out?
- Okay, Jeff-fa-fa.
591
00:29:59,223 --> 00:30:00,391
- Are you okay?
592
00:30:00,391 --> 00:30:01,492
- I am fine, fine, fine.
Fine, fine, fine.
593
00:30:01,492 --> 00:30:03,394
Fine, fine, fine. Fine!
594
00:30:03,394 --> 00:30:04,529
And you know what?
595
00:30:04,529 --> 00:30:05,830
I'm exhausted.
- Why?
596
00:30:05,830 --> 00:30:06,965
- I don't know.
It started a few days ago.
597
00:30:06,965 --> 00:30:09,033
I'm lightheaded.
Got a little cough.
598
00:30:09,033 --> 00:30:10,568
- Are you saying
you have COVID symptoms?
599
00:30:10,568 --> 00:30:12,971
- No. I have vegan symptoms.
600
00:30:12,971 --> 00:30:14,739
- Peanut.
- I need some cheese.
601
00:30:14,739 --> 00:30:16,808
I'm so weak!
Hold me up!
602
00:30:16,808 --> 00:30:18,309
- You're making fun of me.
- No.
603
00:30:18,309 --> 00:30:20,044
I just don't know
how you eat like that.
604
00:30:20,044 --> 00:30:23,181
All I'd think about would be
corn dogs and chicken nuggets.
605
00:30:23,181 --> 00:30:25,483
- Well, after a while,
you don't miss the meat.
606
00:30:25,483 --> 00:30:28,786
- Is that what Audrey told you?
607
00:30:30,521 --> 00:30:34,492
[silent laughing]
608
00:30:34,492 --> 00:30:36,728
[inhales]
609
00:30:36,728 --> 00:30:39,897
- You know, the other day I
had a really good vegan hotdog.
610
00:30:39,897 --> 00:30:43,634
- [gagging]
Dude, I almost hurled.
611
00:30:43,634 --> 00:30:46,404
Next time, hold my hair.
- Stop it!
612
00:30:46,404 --> 00:30:48,773
- What the hell's
a vegan hotdog anyway?
613
00:30:48,773 --> 00:30:50,708
A limp carrot?
614
00:30:52,477 --> 00:30:56,080
And that, by the way, was
his nickname in high school.
615
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:57,448
- Nope.
616
00:30:57,448 --> 00:31:00,385
- Limp Carrot Jeff-fa-fa
617
00:31:00,385 --> 00:31:03,388
Dunham dot com!
618
00:31:10,328 --> 00:31:12,530
In the locker room,
he could make it talk.
619
00:31:12,530 --> 00:31:14,332
- Please stop.
620
00:31:14,332 --> 00:31:16,334
- He made it sound like
Mickey Mouse.
621
00:31:16,334 --> 00:31:18,002
"Hi, boys and girls!
622
00:31:19,804 --> 00:31:22,240
You can call me Minnie!"
623
00:31:22,240 --> 00:31:24,842
[mic echo] Ha ha!
- Stop it!
624
00:31:28,780 --> 00:31:30,448
- [echoing] Ha ha!
- Stop it!
625
00:31:30,448 --> 00:31:33,351
You're too close.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Jeff.
626
00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:37,955
Am I harassing you?
627
00:31:39,457 --> 00:31:42,026
Sexuallyyyy?
628
00:31:43,361 --> 00:31:46,364
[whispering] Sexuallyyyy!
629
00:31:46,364 --> 00:31:50,902
I could always text
you a pic...
630
00:31:50,902 --> 00:31:53,571
of my d--
- Ah-ah-ah!
631
00:31:53,571 --> 00:31:56,240
- Dog.
632
00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:57,575
- Cut it out.
633
00:31:57,575 --> 00:32:01,112
- Eew, I can smell
the carrot on your breath.
634
00:32:02,346 --> 00:32:04,182
- Please don't do that.
- You mean this?
635
00:32:04,182 --> 00:32:07,819
Cut it out!
- Ooh!
636
00:32:07,819 --> 00:32:10,188
Frisky.
637
00:32:10,188 --> 00:32:11,889
Hey, do you know
I have a new job now?
638
00:32:11,889 --> 00:32:13,291
- No. What is it?
639
00:32:13,291 --> 00:32:16,661
- I'm director
of our new HR department.
640
00:32:16,661 --> 00:32:18,963
That's right, bitches.
641
00:32:20,731 --> 00:32:22,133
- Our HR department?
642
00:32:22,133 --> 00:32:23,935
- Yeah, you know, your
company with all of us
643
00:32:23,935 --> 00:32:25,303
employees in the suitcase.
644
00:32:25,303 --> 00:32:27,405
- Why would we need
a director of HR?
645
00:32:27,405 --> 00:32:29,173
- Been getting some
complaints from the guys
646
00:32:29,173 --> 00:32:31,142
about the offensive
nature of your jokes.
647
00:32:31,142 --> 00:32:33,111
Can't say as I blame 'em.
648
00:32:33,111 --> 00:32:34,879
- Do you even know
what HR stands for?
649
00:32:34,879 --> 00:32:36,948
- Of course I do.
650
00:32:41,352 --> 00:32:43,287
Hairy rectum?
651
00:32:44,589 --> 00:32:46,757
Was I close?
- No, not close.
652
00:32:46,757 --> 00:32:50,428
Human resources.
- I was close.
653
00:32:50,428 --> 00:32:53,030
- Again, why do we need
an HR department?
654
00:32:53,030 --> 00:32:54,432
- To deal with
the working conditions
655
00:32:54,432 --> 00:32:56,167
under you, of course.
- What?
656
00:32:56,167 --> 00:32:57,702
- Well, we're forced
to tell jokes
657
00:32:57,702 --> 00:33:00,538
that can be taken as offensive,
racist, homophobic,
658
00:33:00,538 --> 00:33:02,406
and even anti-purple.
659
00:33:04,342 --> 00:33:06,177
- I really don't know
what you're talking about.
660
00:33:06,177 --> 00:33:08,980
- Of course you don't,
mainly because you're blanco.
661
00:33:08,980 --> 00:33:11,149
- Because I'm white?
662
00:33:11,149 --> 00:33:13,317
- Mr. Ritz.
- Why do you call me Mr. Ritz?
663
00:33:13,317 --> 00:33:16,354
- Because you're a
♪ cracker ♪
664
00:33:21,159 --> 00:33:23,094
- Really?
You just called me a cracker.
665
00:33:23,094 --> 00:33:24,795
- Oh, no. You just
called you a cracker,
666
00:33:24,795 --> 00:33:27,899
because you made me
call you a cracker, cracker.
667
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:31,335
- Hilarious.
- Not really.
668
00:33:31,335 --> 00:33:33,070
I'm sorry, Mr. Dunham,
but clearly
669
00:33:33,070 --> 00:33:35,406
my assistant will need to
put all this new information
670
00:33:35,406 --> 00:33:37,475
in a report.
- You have an assistant?
671
00:33:37,475 --> 00:33:39,410
- Oh, yeah.
He's my right-hand stick.
672
00:33:39,410 --> 00:33:41,979
Uh, vegetable.
Let's get him out.
673
00:33:41,979 --> 00:33:44,582
- Okay.
- This is Jose Jalapeno
674
00:33:44,582 --> 00:33:46,484
on a "Steek"!
675
00:33:53,624 --> 00:33:57,195
- Good evening, Jose.
- Howdy, partner.
676
00:33:57,195 --> 00:33:59,030
- Howdy?
Since when do you say that?
677
00:33:59,030 --> 00:34:00,765
- Jose is no longer
from Mexico.
678
00:34:00,765 --> 00:34:02,366
- He's not?
- No.
679
00:34:02,366 --> 00:34:03,968
- Why not?
- So as not to offend any of
680
00:34:03,968 --> 00:34:05,236
our Mexican friends out there.
681
00:34:05,236 --> 00:34:08,139
- Jose is suddenly
now no longer Mexican?
682
00:34:08,139 --> 00:34:10,541
- Correct. Jose is now
an American-grown pickle.
683
00:34:12,910 --> 00:34:15,947
- He's a pickle?
- On a steek.
684
00:34:15,947 --> 00:34:17,515
- Jose, this is ridiculous.
685
00:34:17,515 --> 00:34:19,517
- It is not my fault.
- Yes, it is.
686
00:34:19,517 --> 00:34:21,919
- Senor Peanut made me do this.
- Shut up!
687
00:34:21,919 --> 00:34:23,187
- And you went
along with it,
688
00:34:23,187 --> 00:34:25,089
so now, you're suddenly
a pickle?
689
00:34:25,089 --> 00:34:27,124
- Well, I identify as one.
690
00:34:29,427 --> 00:34:32,463
- His pronouns are dill,
sweet, gherkin, and kosher.
691
00:34:36,167 --> 00:34:38,402
- Those aren't pronouns.
They're adjectives.
692
00:34:38,402 --> 00:34:41,439
- And your adjective
is [bleep].
693
00:34:43,174 --> 00:34:44,575
- That's nice.
694
00:34:44,575 --> 00:34:47,411
- So now Jose is officially
from right here.
695
00:34:47,411 --> 00:34:49,480
- No, he's not.
- No, I'm not.
696
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:52,450
I came here on a bus
from Martha's Vineyard.
697
00:35:00,091 --> 00:35:01,759
Hey, Senor Jeff.
- Yes?
698
00:35:01,759 --> 00:35:03,561
- I just thought of something.
- What's that?
699
00:35:03,561 --> 00:35:06,297
- Senor Peanut,
you are steekless.
700
00:35:06,297 --> 00:35:08,165
- What?
- I said you are steekless.
701
00:35:08,165 --> 00:35:10,334
- I'm okay not having a stick.
702
00:35:10,334 --> 00:35:12,069
- Is that what your
girlfriend told you?
703
00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:14,672
- Hey!
- All right.
704
00:35:21,279 --> 00:35:24,048
- Well, this human
resource thing
705
00:35:24,048 --> 00:35:26,317
seems to be going quite well.
- Shut up!
706
00:35:26,317 --> 00:35:29,453
- [throaty laughing]
Jah jah jah jah jah jah...
707
00:35:29,453 --> 00:35:33,324
jah jah jah jah jah
jah jah
708
00:35:33,324 --> 00:35:36,494
jah jah jah jah
jah jah jah jah.
709
00:35:38,162 --> 00:35:42,533
Jah jah jah jah
jah jah jah jah jah jah jah
710
00:35:42,533 --> 00:35:44,335
jah jah jah
711
00:35:44,335 --> 00:35:49,507
[growing shriller]
jah jah jah jah jah jah jah
712
00:35:49,507 --> 00:35:51,075
jah jah.
713
00:35:51,075 --> 00:35:53,844
[deep inhale]
714
00:35:54,478 --> 00:35:58,015
- Not a lot of
air in that stick.
715
00:35:58,015 --> 00:35:59,283
- That's not funny!
716
00:35:59,283 --> 00:36:00,951
- I'm funny.
- Not really.
717
00:36:00,951 --> 00:36:02,520
- Hey!
718
00:36:02,520 --> 00:36:06,023
- Maybe you would be funnier
if you were on a steek.
719
00:36:06,023 --> 00:36:07,591
- Okay.
That's not gonna happen.
720
00:36:07,591 --> 00:36:11,829
- You never know.
I did not see it coming.
721
00:36:11,829 --> 00:36:13,230
- How's that?
722
00:36:13,230 --> 00:36:15,466
- One second, I was lying
peacefully in the sun.
723
00:36:15,466 --> 00:36:18,169
The next I had a stick
crammed up my wazoo,
724
00:36:18,169 --> 00:36:20,938
and I was doing this crap.
725
00:36:20,938 --> 00:36:22,473
- Who did this to you?
726
00:36:22,473 --> 00:36:24,175
- White devil cracker man.
727
00:36:25,676 --> 00:36:26,877
- Say good night, Jose.
728
00:36:26,877 --> 00:36:29,547
- That's Jose Jalapeno...
- On a Steek.
729
00:36:29,547 --> 00:36:31,615
- There we go.
- Yeah!
730
00:36:34,703 --> 00:36:36,238
- Actually,
I'm beginning to sense
731
00:36:36,238 --> 00:36:39,174
that maybe you're no longer
a good fit for our company.
732
00:36:41,343 --> 00:36:42,878
- What do you know
about human resources?
733
00:36:42,878 --> 00:36:44,446
You're not even human.
734
00:36:44,446 --> 00:36:47,749
- [gasps]
That is human shaming!
735
00:36:49,618 --> 00:36:52,454
- That's not even a thing!
- It is now, bitch.
736
00:36:52,454 --> 00:36:53,989
- Peanut.
737
00:36:53,989 --> 00:36:56,191
I'm about to give up.
738
00:36:56,191 --> 00:36:58,593
- Okay then.
Back to your racist homophobia.
739
00:36:58,593 --> 00:36:59,928
- My what?
740
00:36:59,928 --> 00:37:01,229
- I just want to
make sure you don't
741
00:37:01,229 --> 00:37:02,531
make me tell any racist jokes.
742
00:37:02,531 --> 00:37:03,832
- I won't, and I'm not racist.
743
00:37:03,832 --> 00:37:05,200
- Oh, really?
744
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:08,670
Jose Jalapeno
has a Mexican accent.
745
00:37:08,670 --> 00:37:10,372
- Oh, so you're saying
that having Jose in the act
746
00:37:10,372 --> 00:37:11,807
is racist?
- It is.
747
00:37:11,807 --> 00:37:13,475
- And what if I took
him out of the show?
748
00:37:13,475 --> 00:37:15,744
- Well, that's discrimination.
749
00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:20,816
- Do you not see
how ridiculous this is?
750
00:37:20,816 --> 00:37:23,418
- You don't wanna have Jose in
the show because he's Mexican.
751
00:37:23,418 --> 00:37:24,953
- No. That's what you said.
752
00:37:24,953 --> 00:37:26,888
- Looks like you want to
make your show more white.
753
00:37:26,888 --> 00:37:29,758
What happened to diversity?
- This is nuts.
754
00:37:29,758 --> 00:37:31,159
- You don't like me
right now, do you?
755
00:37:31,159 --> 00:37:32,360
- No, I don't.
- It's because I'm purple,
756
00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:33,929
isn't it?
- No. It's because
757
00:37:33,929 --> 00:37:36,298
you're annoying.
- Oh...my...gosh!
758
00:37:36,298 --> 00:37:38,333
- I don't care what
color anyone is!
759
00:37:38,333 --> 00:37:40,902
- I bet you'd be upset if your
wife gave birth to a kid
760
00:37:40,902 --> 00:37:44,439
who was the color of me.
761
00:37:45,574 --> 00:37:46,741
Admit it.
762
00:37:46,741 --> 00:37:48,877
- I would be upset, yes,
but thankfully
763
00:37:48,877 --> 00:37:50,312
that would never happen.
764
00:37:50,312 --> 00:37:53,014
- Just wait, pal.
765
00:37:53,014 --> 00:37:58,653
Once chicks go lavender,
they want me like a scavenger.
766
00:38:06,394 --> 00:38:09,397
Oh, yeah.
♪ Boom chicka wow-wow ♪
767
00:38:11,132 --> 00:38:12,934
You claim you don't care
about race,
768
00:38:12,934 --> 00:38:15,203
but I notice in your time off
you're only with white folks,
769
00:38:15,203 --> 00:38:16,805
like your wife and kids.
770
00:38:16,805 --> 00:38:19,307
- They're my family.
They're white.
771
00:38:19,307 --> 00:38:21,176
- I'm sorry,
but it's no longer PC
772
00:38:21,176 --> 00:38:23,311
to have an all-white family.
- What?
773
00:38:23,311 --> 00:38:25,447
- Haven't you seen all
the TV commercials lately?
774
00:38:25,447 --> 00:38:27,616
All the families
are now mixed races.
775
00:38:27,616 --> 00:38:30,218
There's a Black father, a white
mother, an Asian little girl,
776
00:38:30,218 --> 00:38:31,219
and an Indian little boy.
777
00:38:31,219 --> 00:38:34,823
What the [bleep]?
778
00:38:34,823 --> 00:38:37,325
And they all love AT&T.
779
00:38:41,630 --> 00:38:43,365
But seriously,
you could get me canceled
780
00:38:43,365 --> 00:38:45,133
from future employment,
781
00:38:45,133 --> 00:38:48,370
so I'm suing your
white cracker ass.
782
00:38:48,370 --> 00:38:50,238
- Do you not see how
hypocritical this is?
783
00:38:50,238 --> 00:38:51,506
- Oyster.
- What?
784
00:38:51,506 --> 00:38:53,675
- Cracker.
- Peanut!
785
00:38:53,675 --> 00:38:56,278
- We can all be canceled.
- Yeah. This cancel PC culture
786
00:38:56,278 --> 00:38:57,779
thing is getting out of hand.
787
00:38:57,779 --> 00:38:59,581
- Oh, your other hand.
788
00:38:59,581 --> 00:39:03,151
And where is that, pray tell?
789
00:39:03,151 --> 00:39:04,452
But you know what?
790
00:39:04,452 --> 00:39:05,854
There are actually
some things we
791
00:39:05,854 --> 00:39:07,389
just don't talk about, right?
- Sure.
792
00:39:07,389 --> 00:39:08,623
- It's not funny.
- Nope.
793
00:39:08,623 --> 00:39:10,158
- I mean your other hand.
- Right.
794
00:39:10,158 --> 00:39:11,626
- Yes. Your right hand.
- Yes.
795
00:39:11,626 --> 00:39:15,430
- Just part of my
effing job I guess.
796
00:39:15,430 --> 00:39:16,731
- Yeah.
- You know it's not
797
00:39:16,731 --> 00:39:19,801
comfortable.
- I understand.
798
00:39:19,801 --> 00:39:23,371
- [bass voice]
Oh, I don't think you do.
799
00:39:23,371 --> 00:39:26,675
- Well--
- You know that watch you lost?
800
00:39:30,178 --> 00:39:32,580
I found it.
801
00:39:32,580 --> 00:39:34,883
That's right.
It was in there.
802
00:39:34,883 --> 00:39:36,351
- No, it wasn't.
803
00:39:36,351 --> 00:39:40,088
- Dude, the alarm went off.
804
00:39:40,088 --> 00:39:41,756
- You heard it?
- Nope.
805
00:39:41,756 --> 00:39:44,793
It was on vibrate.
806
00:39:44,793 --> 00:39:45,961
- I'm sorry.
807
00:39:45,961 --> 00:39:48,430
- Actually,
that wasn't all that bad.
808
00:39:48,430 --> 00:39:53,868
I started to look forward
to every day at 6:00 a.m.
809
00:39:53,868 --> 00:39:58,440
Well, I guess it's about
time to get [gasps] u-u-up.
810
00:40:03,144 --> 00:40:08,316
I'm just gonna keep hitting
the snooze [gasps] bu-u-utton.
811
00:40:09,951 --> 00:40:12,087
But I think we officially
have a new time zone.
812
00:40:12,087 --> 00:40:14,856
- What?
- Easter, Pacific,
813
00:40:14,856 --> 00:40:16,891
and Peanut ass time.
814
00:40:20,395 --> 00:40:22,030
- You guys were
an awesome audience!
815
00:40:22,030 --> 00:40:24,032
Thanks for coming tonight.
We'll see you next time.
816
00:40:24,032 --> 00:40:25,400
Good night!
817
00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:29,304
[cheers and applause]
818
00:40:29,304 --> 00:40:32,374
[rock music]
819
00:40:32,374 --> 00:40:39,347
♪ ♪
820
00:40:42,450 --> 00:40:44,319
Thank you, D.C.
I have two little guys
821
00:40:44,319 --> 00:40:46,121
I want you to meet here.
Jack and James.
822
00:40:46,121 --> 00:40:47,288
Come here, buddies. Come on.
823
00:40:47,288 --> 00:40:48,990
Right now. Let's go!
824
00:40:52,460 --> 00:40:53,728
These are my little guys.
825
00:40:53,728 --> 00:40:55,430
And my beautiful wife Audrey.
826
00:40:57,699 --> 00:40:59,834
Yay!
827
00:40:59,834 --> 00:41:01,169
Wow. What a night.
828
00:41:01,169 --> 00:41:03,038
Thanks for sharing
this with us.
829
00:41:03,038 --> 00:41:04,672
What a fun time.
Did you guys have fun watching?
830
00:41:04,672 --> 00:41:05,907
- Yeah!
- All right.
831
00:41:05,907 --> 00:41:08,176
Did you?
- Yeah!
832
00:41:08,176 --> 00:41:09,611
- All right.
833
00:41:10,578 --> 00:41:12,013
Thanks, D.C. Thanks, America.
834
00:41:12,013 --> 00:41:14,482
Good night, everybody.
See you next time.
835
00:41:20,997 --> 00:41:27,938
♪ ♪
836
00:41:46,556 --> 00:41:49,326
- ♪ MTV ♪
60748
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