Original subtitles

NARRATOR". Karl Pilkington is back travelling the world,

seeking answers to more of life's big questions.

How much does your identity define you?

I think mine are nicer than yours.

NARRATOR". What can we do about waste?

How should you live your life?

God almighty, What is she doing?

NARRATOR: What can we do with our [invited time on the planet?

And how should we treat our bodies?

Showtime!

Am I in charge or is me arse in charge?

That's strange.

NARRATOR: In this episode, Karl asks, "What is art?"

This is not a normal way of creating art, this.

NARRATOR". Can the body be a canvas?

KARL". They're shouting out commands, like "Lift your left arsecheek."

I can't control them individually, they're not eyebrows.

NARRATOR". Is art about putting on a performance?

In a rush!

NARRATOR". And can anything be called art?

Don't know if its art yet but looks nice.

No, I don't know if I'm getting it, you know.

NARRATOR: This is The Moaning of Life.

(RETCHING)

There's no fun in this.

(SIRENS BLARING IN DISTANCE)

DIRECTOR: So, Karl, why are you interested in an'?

A lot of things in life, there's a right way and a wrong way,

but with art, there isn't.

It's "Do what you want,

"do what you feel is right at the time."

And in a way, that's me all over.

I don't really like being told ways of, you know, how you should do things,

so in a way, art suits me down to the ground.

As long as I like the end result,

then that's all that matters.

And I'm pretty critical of me own stuff.

I can do, you know, DIYjobs at home and I get them done

and I look at them and I go, "It's not right," and Suzanne's going,

"It's fine. Leave it. Don't worry about it."

But me sort of inner critic is, uh... He's got high standards.

And that's what makes me go, "Oh, you've got to do it again."

And it's annoying because I'm the one who's got to do it,

but the thing inside me is telling me to do it again, yet it can't help me.

It's not like I'm a Siamese twin and there's another one of me,

and I can say, "Well, you hold that whilst I do this."

It's just this inner feeling that I've got to do it again

'cause I know it's going to bother me.

And I suppose that's what an artist is like.

You have a go at stuff and then you step back and you look at it

and you've got to see if it's the thing that you pictured

before you started it.

Let's have a look. Let's have a look at this art today,

see what it's like.

It's not just all flowers in vases any more, is it, like it was years ago?

You get some proper weird shit.

- Hello. I'm here to see Trina. - Hi.

TRINA: I'm a visual artist

and my medium is the human body,

so I call them my human canvases or my human sculptures.

This is a human motorcycle.

How many people are involved in that?

Uh, there's six people in this particular motorcycle.

- Yeah, one's a tyre. -...making a tyre.

- This is another one. - This is another tyre.

KARL: How nude have they gone? Is that total nude?

TRINA: Yeah, they are totally nude.

In my work, I try to obscure the body when I'm trying to create the shape.

It's a very vulnerable thing.

Like, we haven't even gone out to coffee or, like, had dinner yet

and you're going to take your clothes off for me! (LAUGHING)

I know. My girlfriend didn't see anything for a good week, probably.

- Yeah. - Th ree days.

So I'm working on an astrology series.

Uh, all you need to be really practically concerned with

is the fact that we're going to try to make a lion out of your bodies.

(LAUGHS)

Like, here's the teeth and the mouth comes up here,

and you've got, like, the mane here that will come down to here.

And of course, if anything is showing that's hairy,

we just want to make sure that the hair is trimmed down or shaved

or waxed or whatever you guys do right now.

- I'm really hairy. I'm an hairy... - Let me see.

- I'm hairy. - You are hairy.

When I lifted me T-shirt and just showed them that bit of

hair I've got, it was like a gasp.

- TRINA: Is your back hairy? - Yeah.

- Not as hairy as that, but I'm hairy. - Okay.

It's my job at home to do the shower cubicle,

the plughole, twice a month.

I've got to, like, lift it up, and it is rank.

It's like Brian May's living in me drains.

But it's just part of being a man.

I thought every man sort of shred sort of pubes.

TRINA: For the actual painting, you will be nude.

Any questions before we get started?

If you're all nude, I've got a nice little thong on,

does that offend you?

I actually find that being nude helps,

as opposed to putting somebody in a G-string thong or something like that.

I don't want it to distract from the... From the piece.

What are you going to do, James?

Just like all the other girls.

It feels like you're wearing a bodysuit.

You just kind of forget.

Usually, they'll paint those parts first just so you don't really...

- See, they go over it... - Whoa, hang on.

So, you actually paint that as well? It's not just...

TRINA: Yeah, yeah. So anything that I see

in the final image

gets painted and camouflaged into the piece.

But what I mean is you're not going to be painting direct

onto me member?

- Well, let's say you were like this... - Yeah.

...and I could maybe see a little bit in here,

I would paint it just so it wasn't skin colour showing through.

- I paint... I paint everything. - All right.

There's nowhere my paintbrush doesn't go.

And any sign of, uh, excitement...

- What's that? - A little bit of excitement,

little bit of movement, little bit of stiffness,

is that, "Whoa, hang on."

- You mean... - Hard knob.

- Oh. (LAUGHS) -(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, I've painted maybe a thousand people

and to be honest with you, um, it's only happened twice out of a thousand.

Still happens, doesn't it?

It still happens. Even though I'm getting on in me age,

a little bit of a tremor or something, you're sat on a bus,

little bit of motion, something can happen

and I just wanted to make sure I was covered if something does happen.

I know it's linked to me down there but it's kind of got a mind of its own.

Um, I just wanted to make sure, you know, if something happened,

is that all right? And she was like, "It's fine,

"it's happened twice in about a thousand people."

Uh... I think she said, "Go and walk it off if it happens."

Uh, don't know if that works.

No, honestly, I've seen her work, I think it's amazing,

and I'm really happy that I'm going to be part of it

'cause this is a proper piece of work

-that's going to be out there, isn't it? - Yeah.

But it's just getting over that...

- Yeah. - It's a big obstacle. I'm not gonna lie.

I think there's something nice about just keeping it for Suzanne.

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, Jesus, everything that's on the telly with me,

I'm seen nude and everything. If I go giving that away, she has got nothing.

She's got nothing that the viewers haven't seen and had.

Do you know what I mean?

It sort of seems daft, but that's her little bit, isn't it?

It's her little...

"I know him. I know Karl. I've seen his knob. You lot haven't."

If I do that...

I don't know.

How is it? What do you think?

It's the arse bit that's a bit, uh...

I'm going to be like that, aren't I?

(SIGHS)

ALL: Yay!

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Hi there.

I think you can't really see 'em.

I don't think it's that much of a problem.

It's about the bigger thing, innit?

And I've done a lot.

For someone who doesn't do this, I think that was a big ask.

I think Karl, turn a little bit.

I need... Yeah, like your whole body.

- More towards me. - KARL: Like that?

TRINA: I see just your whole ass. I just want to see one cheek.

KARL: I've got no control of me body like they have.

They're shouting out commands, like "Lift your left arsecheek"

and stuff like that. I can't sort of control them individually.

They're not eyebrows. They're arsecheeks.

TRINA: Bring it more to the camera.

Go ahead and relax.

It's not my favourite that you're wearing underwear, obviously,

because of all the reasons that I went to great length to explain yesterday.

Yeah, I know, I know.

But I am out of time. So let's go.

KARL: If you gave me a bit of paper now, I can do one of them.

There's certain animals I can't do.

Horses is the one that...

It's hard. It's a weird... Weird proportions, innit?

They've got a massive body, little legs.

You've got to get the neck right.

Drawing dwarfs, it's the same thing,

'cause of the proportions.

Even if you get it right, it looks wrong.

Fucking hell, I'm in agony.

I reckon we could have just flew in a real lion

in this amount of time.

If you're going to take yours off, I'll take mine off.

DIRECTOR: So, what's happening, Karl?

"I'll take me knickers off if you take yours off." Hang on!

Where has the art gone?

TRINA: Ready? WOMAN: READY.

TRINA: How does everybody look? Do they look awesome?

Okay, great job, GUYS-

(APPLAUDING)

Can we see it? Do we get to see it?

TRINA: We can but not in this room. WOMAN: Not right now, we gotta go.

I'm happy. It's looking like a lion.

KARL: Looks all right, innit? TRINA: Yeah.

- We worked hard for it. - Yeah.

- Just, just being still. - Right.

It's the hardest thing to do, to just be still.

But I always have a go at me girlfriend 'cause she...

Some days she does nothing.

- Sat on her arse all day. - Mmm-hmm.

But now I realise, actually, fair play to her. It's not easy.

No, it's not, that's very true.

KARL: And in a way, me not taking me pants off, I think in years to come,

that'll be like the Mona Lisa story where it's kinda like,

-"Why didn't he take his pants off?" - TRINA: Yeah.

"Everyone else was nude, why wasn't this man nude?"

I'm glad you're happy 'cause I wouldn't come back again and do it.

Yeah. I very much appreciate you, like, doing that.

- All right, let's get out of here. - Okay.

Nice one. Oh, I'm still aching.

DIRECTOR: Did you go to art galleries as a kid?

KARL". No, the school didn't take us to galleries. What for?

The library was sort of like a bit fancy.

If, you know, if you said you went to the library

that'd be a bit like, "Oh, look at you. Look at you, Einstein."

This is what I struggle with. You know, with looking at art.

I mean, I don't know who's done it. I mean, is this a bit of art?

I've wandered in here, I don't even know...

There is workmen still moving about at this time of the day,

changing lightbulbs and that.

Maybe this is part of an extension they're doing.

It's a massive shelf.

With very little support, so...

It's an accident waiting to happen, that.

It's a shovel.

I mean, let's think about what we've looked at,

we looked at a shovel, a pile of bricks and a shelf.

Three things there that you can get in Homebase.

Or B&Q, I have no favouritism here.

Probably enough to make a barbecue, innit?

DIRECTOR: Do you think you've learnt anything from today?

The, uh, the pile of bricks that we saw,

I was just seeing bricks and thinking,

"Well, is it as simple as that?

"Are they... Are they bricks or are they blocks?"

And I was thinking, "If they're blocks, what's the difference?

"It's a load of blocks."

And if you keep saying that, "It's a load of blocks,

"it's a load of blocks, it's a load of boll-ocks."

Maybe that's it. Maybe the artist is saying, "I'm having a laugh here,

"it is a load of bollocks."

It's enough for me, this. I don't have to traipse around museums

looking at what people have created.

Just look at what nature's done.

Fresh air, out in the park, open space.

I mean, it's the basic things in life, really, that I think is good for you.

But it's not going to be like this all day,

'cause I'm going to be getting involved in some performance art.

It's not something I'm really into.

And you have a lot of it in London, don't you?

People on the streets, getting in the way.

That's the thing. Streets are busy enough, aren't they?

Not enough room for all the people pushing and shoving about.

And then, you know, you got some fella there

juggling chainsaws or something.

It's the last thing you need, innit, on a busy Saturday afternoon?

You just want to get to where you've gotta get to,

do your shopping and get home.

But I am interested in meeting, you know, the performance artist

and see what he gets out of it.

- Oh, shit! (LAUGHING) - All right?

- Hey! - You all right?

- I'm good. How are you? - Yeah, yeah, not bad.

I guess I'm going to teach you how to do performance art.

KARL: Well, that's the plan.

- I'm worried about this one. - You're worried?

Yeah, just sort of performing in front of people.

Like, the good thing about performance art,

even a disaster can look amazing.

Like, see, because this is something you've never done before,

if you just, you know, go to its basic technique,

which is you're just trying to make people smile,

you know, I go very simple, go very raw, just like...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Or...

(IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING)

And then, you know, just dance in my underwear.

We could, like, workshop it on the roof and stuff.

- KARL: Let's give it a whirl. - Let's give it a whirl. Yeah.

What do you think about...

Do you want to put this on over your pants?

You keep it as a gift. They're very special. So...

It's like giving you, like, the Holy Grail.

KARL: It's an odd one, but all right.

I've had a lot of good, um, times with these, you know.

Bit of luck rubbing off onto me sort of thing.

Yeah.

Still nervous. Still not sure about putting meself out there.

Doing a performance in some way in front of a crowd that I don't know

worries me.

- Keep the socks on? - Yeah, keep the socks on.

Do it a little bit at home, like dancing about the kitchen

when I'm waiting for the kettle to boil.

You know, Suzanne's making the dinner and the radio's on I do, you know...

I sort of do little performances, but that's different, innit?

It's for her. She knows me.

I do stuff in front of the cat to see how long I can sort of

keep its attention.

It just sits there like that on the table.

Sometimes I give it a little dance, it just sort of goes, like...

And looks away and that's it. I normally keep it for about a minute.

But that's, that's a little thing. I mean, in a way, I have got it in me.

Coming UP-

Okay, so you just have to come up with your own silly movement.

Really stupid.

(IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING)

(LAUGHING)

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

Then eventually,

-someone with their iPhone... -(KARL CLUCKING)

...will start recording you, right?

And then if that person's into it and they're smiling,

you could take it to another level.

I like to do the Crazy Prophet dialogue, so I go,

"Do you feel it?"

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

"Love!"

It's not me, I can't do that.

Yeah, that's not you. You could do something else.

I would just, you know, keep it simple.

Maybe we wanna use less energy.

- All right. - Yeah.

Lately I've been following the philosophy "less is more".

(KARL SIGHS)

- Sort of, uh... - Yeah.

Yes!

(BOTH CLUCKING)

'Cause the good thing is it's like saying,

"New York is moving all too fast, everyone's in a rush."

- Yea h? - Yes!

- So it's, "Slow down!" -(LAUGHING) Slow down. Yes!

Yeah?

(SLOWLY) Slow down!

Yeah? I feel comfortable with that.

I just think it's a good message, that, "Slow down."

If it means that someone's walking and they just stop for a second

and I take 'em out their stressful day and they go, "What's he saying?

"Slow down?"

Even... Even that, if it makes 'em go, "Yeah, I suppose I should."

job's done, innit?

I've got a message through. It is a piece of art.

KARL: Everything's getting faster and faster, isn't it?

It definitely is.

So apart from the traffic...

New York is mental. I mean, it's insane, innit?

The thing is there's a mixture of people in New York.

Some are going to like it, some are going to hate it.

Some aren't even going to bat an eyelid 'cause there's that much stuff going on.

I don't know what's mad.

We've been walking around, I've seen people rolling about screaming.

I thought that was art.

It's not, it was just some bloke off his tits on crack or something.

Oh, God! This is madness.

You guys are fantastic!

If you wanna hold my hand or something...

KARL: I'll be all right. I just want to get going with it.

Hey-hey!

(SLOWLY) We've just come to tell you

-to slow down. - Slow down.

People are in a rush.

- Oh, no! -(CROWD LAUGHING)

This is what I've been

Saying t0 you!

-(CROWD LAUGHING) - Oh!

KARL". I did a bit of performance art.

In Times Square, of all places.

Me ever first performance in Times Square in New York.

Be weird now, won't it? New Year's Eve when I put the telly on, you know.

"Oh, yeah, I've played there, yeah. Times Square, that.

"Killed it. Did about 20 minutes live. People loved it.

"Shouting me name and everything."

Well, they weren't, but that's how it felt, honestly.

BOTH: (SLOWLY) Slow down.

(SLOWLY) Do you think they're getting the message?

KARL". We brought something different to the party.

Haven't seen anyone wearing glasses, a pair of trunks

and, you know, a motorcycle helmet.

If you're going to be a mime artist or a statue,

why do it where there's proper statues?

How can you compete with that?

I mean, there's nothing else like us here.

-(SHOUTING) - It's a bloody bear!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

Leg it!

I think I'm going to go now.

PERFORMANCE ARTIST: Okay.

Goodbye.

- I love you! -(CROWD APPLAU DING)

job done, innit? Well chuffed.

DIRECTOR: $0 you still buzzing from last night, Karl?

Didn't get to sleep for a bit, you know.

That was a proper surprise for me, that, how much I enjoyed doing that.

"Just slow down. Slow down."

But what we're doing today is going back to speed.

I'm seeing an artist who does art really quickly.

Doesn't fanny about.

When anything's done quickly, it tends to be sort of shit, doesn't it?

What's done quickly that's really good? Not much.

Pot Noodle.

Can you knock out a masterpiece, you know, in record time?

- How are you? Ushio? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

(APPLAUDING)

You're barmy. You're bloody barmy.

(WOMAN SPEAKING)

Uh...

I don't know how I feel about that.

Jesus, look at me!

I'm caked in shit, honestly.

This is how Suzanne is if she ever helps me decorate.

Only doing the skirting board, she gets fucking shit everywhere.

I don't know. I don't know if I'm getting it, you know?

You can"& add another comm'?

Oh, it's finished, that is it?

Yeah, I don't like it, then. Don't know if I like it.

(SIGHS)

KARL". I didn't like it. I'm never going to like it.

I think that's why I wouldn't be that good if I had a kid.

'Cause they do shit drawings don't they? And you've gotta keep 'em,

stick 'em on your fridge.

You don't get people sticking other kids' drawings on the fridge, do you?

It's just their own kids' stuff.

I'm not sticking that on there. Stick it in the bin.

I know they're shit.

It's dried a bit.

I think she just wants me to take it

'cause she doesn't want to be fucking stuck with it.

I think that's what's happening here. "Get that shit out of the house."

Looks like a virus.

DIRECTOR: So how are you feeling about today?

Yeah, I'm not, I'm not really looking forward to today that much,

if I'm honest.

I suppose the art that I've seen so far, I've been able to get, you know,

up close to.

And that's what art should be about, sort of getting up close, looking at it,

getting feelings from it.

But the art I'm seeing today I don't really want to get up close to.

'Cause it's dogshit.

(BARKING)

JEREMY: Hey, Karl.

- Jeremy. Pleasure. - How are you? Karl.

- Hey. Jeff. Nice to meet you. -jeff.

I'll be honest, I don't know much about what we're doing,

I just know that you're into dogshit

and you're basically using dogshit for art.

We're called Sprinkle Brigade and we go around the city

and we decorate the shit on the street.

So we figure we'll do something to it

to make it a little bit more special, to brighten up people's day.

JEFF: Here's one here. JEREMY: Oh, here it is.

You have to wait until you find a perfect piece of shit

to then make the idea come together.

So if we see this one and we don't really have any idea with it,

we mightjust hit it with the sprinkles.

You know, I'm not just saying this 'cause you're here,

don't know if it's art yet

-but it looks nicer. -jEREMY: It does look better.

JEFF: There's a little more joy on that.

- Something like this, it's very basic. - Yeah.

But we have a process, it's not just we go out and just

cover, hit the first thing that we see.

We'll be talking about ideas with each other for weeks.

JEFF: So I'm going to get this one here. JEREMY: This one?

JEFF: Here we go.

JEREMY: You know sometimes the big wooden logs that come out of the water,

in the ocean?

KARL: It does look quite log-like. JEREMY: Yeah.

It's just about to fly off the log.

JEFF: That's a good one.

DIRECTOR: Seems to me you've kind of changed your mind

about the guys and the art already.

Yeah, I suppose I was wrong.

I wasjudging 'em on the way here without meeting 'em.

I've met 'em, they seem nice and they've got a passion for dogshit.

And you can never knock anyone for having a passion.

What we should do now is take you to a couple stores

and we're going to go inside and see what they've got.

KARL: These aren't specialised shops, for props for dogshit?

No.

The way they see that shit, they don't see it as a lump of shit,

they see it as something else.

But to bring it alive for everyone else, they need props to...

Do you know what I mean?

To make it something more than just a lump of shit.

And that's what true artists do.

Poop will have different shapes, so just keep that in mind

when you're thinking about props,

and how it might fit with a certain style of poop.

All right.

Our best pieces are when you transcend what the shit is

and not stick around with what everybody knows what it is.

So the more you can make a story out of something, then it's a winner.

- That is clever, yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, I'm thinking the amount of shit TV

-and shit that's coming out of it. -jEREMY: Yeah.

Got it. Got a cracker.

Have you heard of Loch Ness Monster?

- Loch Ness Monster? Yeah, yeah. - Yeah?

- Yes. - Use the clay...

-...like that... - Yup.

...and then the bit of shit and it's called Loch Mess.

The Loch Mess Monster.

- The Loch Mess Monster! - That's good. That's good.

Loch Mess Monster.

- Okay. Yeah. That's good. - The Loch Mess Monster.

You wouldn't know what type of dog has left that shit,

-you're not at that level, are you? - Well, that's a heated debate.

But I think the truth of it is we've seen small dogs lay out a beast

and we've seen big dogs lay out something small.

So I don't think there's a way to match...

KARL: The goods with the dog? JEREMY: Yeah.

KARL: You can have sheepshit, squirrelshit, ratshit.

I couldn't pick it up with me hands, but dogshit...

JEFF: The worst.

So we got a map here. Could show you where we are exactly.

So right now, we're actually up here in this red zone.

We call it Shit City.

As we've seen, there's just a lot of poo in this zone.

KARL: These are your haunts. JEFF: These are good.

Shat-nav. Shat-nav system.

It's sometimes not always dog.

Like, there's been some instances where we've come across human.

And you know it's human if it's up close against the wall.

Like someone's leaned up and done it.

Because there's no way it's physically possible for a dog.

So is that still game or that's like...

JEREMY: We stay away from that.

Fucking hell.

What's going on? People are shitting on the streets?

How bad is that?

Human shit... But you know what it is? See, at home,

there's loads of, and I don't know if it's the same here,

but there's loads of bins for dogs now, for dogshit.

If you're human and you want a shit there's nowhere to go any more.

It's all gone on dog bins.

You try and... If you're in dire need for a shit at home, you're in trouble.

'Cause you can't just nip in a cafe any more

'cause you've gotta buy something.

If you haven't got any money, the other toilets, you gotta put 20p in.

You cannot have a shit at home.

So there's human shit here,

I think that's going to start happening at home, you know.

They've sorted out the dogshit problem with all the bins,

but now you're going to be looking out for human shit.

It's what always happens. You sort one problem out,

it creates another.

I'll be gutted if I don't get to do at least one.

So...

Get this done and let's get going. Let's get shit-hunting.

JEREMY: Right, let's do... jEFF:Banana?

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Hmm, what do we call that one?

It's kind of disgusting. I think it's over the top.

Poo-tassium. 'Cause bananas are full of potassium.

You see, I think if you put that on it...

- That's pretty good. Yeah. - Yea h?

If you put that on it, it takes away the harshness.

"Are you getting enough poo-tassium?"

That's good. See, that's a save.

- Jamie? - Yeah?

Poo-tassium. He said I saved it. That's a save.

He wasn't sure on the idea,

but with the title "Are you getting enough poo-tassium?"

Look at that, fresh. Look at that there.

Look at that. That's happening.

JEREMY: Hey, Karl. We found some good stuff over here.

Okay-

I think we're going to do this one.

Good, good. That's good.

So the thing is, it is helping people not to stand in it

because it's making it stand out more, which means they're walking down

and they won't go and step in it.

So as well as it being funny, it's...

- Prevents you from stepping in it. - Yeah.

I think we're going to get something good over here.

I don't necessarily know what to do with this.

- That's pretty good. - This is nice.

Would that work for the Loch Ness like?

- Yes, it could. - A bit coming in, out, in, out.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It's bad?

- You've got the eyes? - I got the eyes.

- Good, innit? - It's good.

It's great.

KARL". I reckon that would make someone smile when they walk past.

More than, you know, you see sort of, you know, graffiti like this,

sort of tagging stuff, and they just sprawl on a wall.

I don't know what that's doing, I don't know what he's saying.

It's just a mess. It hasn't added anything.

Whereas that, someone's had a bad day, come back from work,

they walk past that, surely it's gotta be a bit of a smile.

Innit?

So that's the Loch Mess Monster.

JEFF: It's good. JEREMY: It's good.

- All right. - Yea h?

- Your hands are all orange. - You haven't got a thing on, have you?

- Yeah, you don't wanna... - KARL: Oh, you're shitting me.

- Ah, fucking hell. - Ah, we got you!

Fucking hell!

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Where did it come from?

I dunno, I was pissing about behind the leaves and that.

Oh, I've woke it up. (GROANING)

It was always going to happen, you can't come to Shit City without...

(GROANING)

This is the down bit, you see.

You're going to need more than a stick for that.

(BARKS)

KARL". Today I'm seeing a woman who sort of

has her own little way of doing art.

She sort of sicks it up.

Sicks paint onto a canvas.

She said don't eat for 24 hours,

'cause she doesn't want to see, like, last night's tea in the artwork.

So I haven't done.

2009 was the last time I was sick.

And before that, probably when I was a kid.

I'd had too much Britvic Orange.

On holiday in Wales, I had too much Britvic,

I was in the back of the car, which I don't like doing,

I like sitting in the front, but me dad's mate was in the front.

I had to sit in the back, the heating was on, it was too hot,

and there was a damp dog in the car, that sort of smell of damp dog.

And, uh, I was sick down me dad's neck.

And that's why today I sort of feel like

we might be wasting our time a little bit,

'cause I can't be sick. It's not something that happens.

- It's nice to meet you. - Nice to see you.

- How are you feeling today? - Ropey.

- Yeah? - Yeah, 'cause I haven't eaten.

Well, you're going to have some soy milk in your stomach soon,

-that will fill you up. - Yea h?

This is all food colouring.

You put that in cakes, so it's not poisonous.

I eat all sorts of crap normally, Haribos.

Haribos. Yeah, exactly, so this is basically Haribos.

KARL: All right, then.

What colour do you want to have a go with?

- I'll do pink. - Okay.

'Cause I did have some smoothie earlier.

And that was pink, so we'll stay on the colour.

Maybe I've got a really good stomach, that's why I'm never sick,

maybe it can deal with anything.

Got a very active belly and it's gurgling away at night.

Suzanne's like, "What's wrong with you? You need a shit or what?"

And it's like, "No, I've just... It's because it's working hard."

I think you should be able to hear your belly. Sometimes it wakes me up.

It is like, "Fucking hell, is someone breaking in?"

And it's like, "No, it's 'cause you had a pasty, innit?" "Oh, yeah."

What made you come up with the idea of being sick on a canvas?

I'd never done performance art before

and I came up with the idea of painting from the inside out,

so I wanted to create a performance that was really raw and, like, human.

And I was like, either way, if it works or it doesn't work,

it's going to be an interesting performance.

- Yeah. - It's the same with you,

it's going to be great because it's you getting involved with the art.

Yeah.

And you use your two fingers,

just touching the back of your throat

and just keep doing that, just that movement, back and forth,

until you feel it starts to come up.

(PAINT PLOPPING)

KARL: God.

She was sick in a sort of a classy way.

I didn't think that was possible.

Normally you see women, don't you, doing it

and they've got, like, skirt up their arse, ripped tights,

snot coming out their nose and all that.

But she had it all under control.

Is that all of it, would you say?

(goueus)

If you kneel down, sometimes it's easier to...

(DRY HEAVES)

(RETCHES) Fucking hell, man.

This isn't normal, is it?

This is not a normal way of creating art, this.

I think you're just either a sicker or you're not, and I'm not.

Honestly, get me cat here...

(GAGGING)

...it'd do a right grand job for you.

If that's what you want, a piece of art done with sick, fly me cat over.

(goueus)

(SIGHS) Fuck's sake.

(RETCH ES)

KARL: Oh, God.

I like your whole performance,

even though you couldn't physically bring it up.

That is still, like, a massive part of the performance.

- I mean, that is the performance. - That's something, then.

I haven't been a total waste of time today, have I?

- Yeah, exactly. - Good-o.

How quick would it take her to do a room,

if she went into painting and decorating?

Big, these.

DIRECT 0 R: Yesterday we were in LA and now we 're in Somerset, Karl.

Always been something that I wanted to see,

which I think fits into the art category,

which is murmuration.

Just shitloads of starlings making shapes in the sky.

It's what they do before they settle for the day.

And you're just like, "Bloody hell. Look at that."

DIRECTOR: But Karl, this is birds just flying around in the air,

you can't really class it as art, can you?

'Course you can.

I'd say it's more art than some of the stuff we've seen

in New York and what have you, messing about with dogshit.

I don't think there's any rule to what you call art now, is there?

And anyway, it's whatever you see in it, isn't it? I see it as art.

When you see it, you haven't seen it,

you're sort of picking on the idea already but when you see it,

you'll go, "Yeah, actually, Karl, you're right, that's amazing."

I've seen a baby being born. I was like, "Yeah, whatever."

This should be good.

Yeah, apparently, it's just down here. It's where it all happens.

Keep your eye out 'cause, honestly, it could be like...

(SWOOSHING) ...just come.

Just shoot off, you could miss it if you're busy talking to me.

There's one swan over there. Normally they're in pairs, aren't they?

That's a fact, innit? So does that mean the other one's dead?

Pilkington luck.

Did you know E.T. was voiced by a woman?

That's how she spoke.

It's not a funny effect, that sort of "phone home".

That's how she speaks. Big smoker.

(ROUGH LY) She talks like that.

In character all the time. "Phone home."

"You got 20 Benson, please?"

Oh, come on!

There they are!

Where've they gone? There was fucking hundreds of 'em.

Oh, no way! Oh, come off it.

They just fucked off over there.

That'll be annoying, won't it?

There was a good sort of 4,000 or something went over then.

I must have seen a good, I dunno, 50,000 of 'em?

They're all, um, moving.

Look at that, Jamie, now you can see them all there.

- Yeah. - Here we go.

This is what I wanted, look at this!

Hey?

KARL: Look at that! Bloody hell!

Still more joining it, look.

Whoa!

It sounds like a wave, doesn't it?

You get that... (BLOWS)

Bill Oddie's been here.

That's how good this is.

And it cheered him up.

And he is a misery, isn't he?

JAMIE: I'm still not quite convinced it's art.

KARL: Why?

JAMIE: Well, who's the artist? KARL: The birds are. Flying about.

This is like performance art, there you go.

I did performance art in Times Square, didn't I?

This is nature's performance art.

Takes your breath away.

See, maybe that's why Bill Oddie is always pissed off.

We don't see all this, do we?

Stood about in the rain, waiting for them to do their thing.

JAMIE: Karl, I think we've got to cross the bridge this way.

- What? - We've got to cross the bridge this way.

Oh, aye.

KARL". Don't think there's anyone who would have seen what we saw

and would go, "I didn't like it."

I think everybody would, you know, get something from that.

You know, unless you're a worm, maybe. You'd be shitting yourself then.