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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,673
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,059 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,694 --> 00:00:14,611
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,622 --> 00:00:18,165
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,176 --> 00:00:21,386
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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There you are, Peter.
Help me hang the stockings.
12
00:00:39,468 --> 00:00:41,927
Not now, Lois. It's time for
my favorite holiday movie,
13
00:00:42,054 --> 00:00:43,345
Frosty the Snowman,
14
00:00:43,472 --> 00:00:45,722
where a hero takes a
little girl into the woods
15
00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:49,193
and then brags that he can
disappear whenever he wants.
16
00:00:51,563 --> 00:00:53,855
Huh. I can't see the TV.
17
00:00:53,866 --> 00:00:55,074
I must be dreaming.
18
00:00:55,159 --> 00:00:56,951
Which means nothing's real!
19
00:00:57,119 --> 00:00:59,078
- [GRUNTING]
- [GASPS, GROANING]
20
00:00:59,163 --> 00:01:01,455
No, Peter, stop! You're not dreaming!
21
00:01:01,690 --> 00:01:03,732
Yeah, and why was that your first move?
22
00:01:03,743 --> 00:01:05,909
The TV's gone. We're cutting the cord.
23
00:01:06,068 --> 00:01:08,485
We need money for Christmas
gifts, so I sold it.
24
00:01:08,496 --> 00:01:12,540
What?! This rageful
anger calls for alcohol!
25
00:01:12,551 --> 00:01:13,583
[GULPING]
26
00:01:13,594 --> 00:01:15,701
- Where's Brian?
- Peter, stop it.
27
00:01:15,712 --> 00:01:17,337
What am I supposed to do without a TV?
28
00:01:17,539 --> 00:01:18,913
Hang out at the gap?
29
00:01:18,976 --> 00:01:21,351
Could you please point
me to your blandest shirt?
30
00:01:21,384 --> 00:01:24,075
One that I'm guaranteed to
see four other guys wearing
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00:01:24,086 --> 00:01:25,335
before I even get to my car.
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00:01:25,399 --> 00:01:26,863
Sure, it's right over there.
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00:01:26,874 --> 00:01:28,124
Just be careful while you're browsing
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00:01:28,135 --> 00:01:30,844
that you don't lose track
of which white guy is you.
35
00:01:31,812 --> 00:01:33,478
Oh, that looks good on me.
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00:01:33,624 --> 00:01:35,405
[ANNOUNCER] The gap,
the only clothing store
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named for a taint.
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Located between Vera Wang
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00:01:37,625 --> 00:01:39,417
and the Rocky Mountain
Chocolate Factory.
40
00:01:39,428 --> 00:01:41,386
Look, I know this
seems like a big change,
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00:01:41,397 --> 00:01:43,439
but we don't need a television anymore.
42
00:01:43,450 --> 00:01:46,373
Yeah, Dad. A single
TV console is outdated.
43
00:01:46,384 --> 00:01:49,074
Everyone just streams now
on their individual devices.
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00:01:49,085 --> 00:01:52,629
Who is this person who speaks
to me as if I needed his advice?
45
00:01:52,714 --> 00:01:55,715
Dad, I'm just trying to
bring you into the modern era.
46
00:01:55,726 --> 00:01:57,309
I see.
47
00:01:59,330 --> 00:02:00,412
[SCREAMING]
48
00:02:00,423 --> 00:02:02,046
- [SPLAT]
- [MAN] Quiet up there!
49
00:02:02,057 --> 00:02:04,307
Sorry! Just demonstrating
I'm still relevant
50
00:02:04,318 --> 00:02:06,318
by making a very old movie reference!
51
00:02:06,812 --> 00:02:08,094
Peter, meg was right.
52
00:02:08,105 --> 00:02:11,106
We don't need a TV in the
golden age of streaming.
53
00:02:11,117 --> 00:02:12,482
"Golden age of streaming"?
54
00:02:12,493 --> 00:02:14,596
Look, my streams are sporadic at best.
55
00:02:14,607 --> 00:02:16,139
And last week, there was blood.
56
00:02:16,150 --> 00:02:19,448
Can we have one holiday where
we don't discuss dad's rod?
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00:02:19,459 --> 00:02:21,774
Besides, all my shows
are on network television.
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00:02:21,785 --> 00:02:24,035
How the hell am I supposed
to watch Chicago Fire
59
00:02:24,046 --> 00:02:25,778
- without a TV?
- Who cares?
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00:02:25,789 --> 00:02:27,497
It's a lazy, formulaic show.
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00:02:27,508 --> 00:02:29,615
And it's not even filmed in Chicago.
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00:02:29,626 --> 00:02:31,042
Yeah, right. Tell that to the boys
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00:02:31,053 --> 00:02:32,303
putting out a blaze this week
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00:02:32,388 --> 00:02:33,888
in the famed Chicago hills.
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00:02:34,090 --> 00:02:36,605
It almost burned down
the Chicagowood sign!
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00:02:36,616 --> 00:02:37,827
Peter, stop it.
67
00:02:37,838 --> 00:02:39,259
God, you're going in circles,
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00:02:39,270 --> 00:02:40,895
like a desert vulture.
69
00:02:41,223 --> 00:02:43,351
Hey, maybe we shouldn't
always fly in a circle.
70
00:02:43,362 --> 00:02:46,099
Sure. And maybe I can also
have rough sex with your mother.
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00:02:46,110 --> 00:02:47,603
Whoa! Come on.
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00:02:47,614 --> 00:02:49,932
Well, that's how I feel about your idea.
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00:02:53,525 --> 00:02:56,165
[ANNOUNCER] We now return
to Frosty the Snowman.
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00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,237
There was indeed some
magic in that old silk hat,
75
00:02:59,248 --> 00:03:01,415
along with duct tape, zip ties
76
00:03:01,426 --> 00:03:03,482
and some very troubling Polaroids.
77
00:03:03,493 --> 00:03:05,517
See? This is the kind of wholesome stuff
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00:03:05,528 --> 00:03:06,736
I'll miss without a TV.
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00:03:06,747 --> 00:03:09,581
Lois is right, Peter.
Network television stinks.
80
00:03:09,592 --> 00:03:11,175
Streaming is way more entertaining.
81
00:03:11,260 --> 00:03:13,660
Yeah? Name one good show on "streaming."
82
00:03:13,671 --> 00:03:14,887
Mare of Easttown!
83
00:03:14,898 --> 00:03:16,254
- Fargo!
- True Detective.
84
00:03:16,265 --> 00:03:18,098
- American Rust!
- Broadchurch.
85
00:03:18,109 --> 00:03:20,759
That isn't about a person
attempting to navigate life
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00:03:20,770 --> 00:03:23,145
in a small town in the
aftermath of a murder.
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00:03:24,492 --> 00:03:26,827
Look, come on, just-just
give streaming a chance.
88
00:03:26,838 --> 00:03:28,347
Don't you want to watch something where,
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00:03:28,358 --> 00:03:31,102
if you miss even a second,
you're hopelessly confused?
90
00:03:31,113 --> 00:03:33,512
Yeah! Or a great premise,
91
00:03:33,523 --> 00:03:35,399
which puts a lot of balls in the air,
92
00:03:35,410 --> 00:03:37,484
followed by a horribly
disappointing ending
93
00:03:37,495 --> 00:03:38,735
that drops all of them?
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00:03:38,746 --> 00:03:41,205
And on HBO Max,
sometimes after the credits,
95
00:03:41,216 --> 00:03:43,624
you can watch the actors
talk about the show.
96
00:03:43,635 --> 00:03:46,660
Yeah, I don't just want to see
Connie Britton do a good job.
97
00:03:46,671 --> 00:03:48,444
I want to see Connie Britton talking
98
00:03:48,455 --> 00:03:50,330
about the good job she just did.
99
00:03:50,341 --> 00:03:52,031
You know what I'm not hearing, guys?
100
00:03:52,042 --> 00:03:54,125
Cedric the entertainer
telling a white guy
101
00:03:54,136 --> 00:03:55,872
that he doesn't walk the right way.
102
00:03:55,883 --> 00:03:59,098
Hmm. I may have to side with Peter now.
103
00:03:59,258 --> 00:04:01,800
And you also haven't told me
about a single show with Sheldon.
104
00:04:01,927 --> 00:04:03,802
For every program, I want to know,
105
00:04:03,813 --> 00:04:04,853
is there a Sheldon
106
00:04:04,981 --> 00:04:06,438
and at what stage of life is he?
107
00:04:06,607 --> 00:04:09,358
He is the perfect dumb
guy's version of a smart guy.
108
00:04:09,559 --> 00:04:11,434
And I demand him on my television!
109
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,938
All right. I think I see
how to untangle this knot.
110
00:04:15,140 --> 00:04:17,150
Last Tango in Halifax.
111
00:04:17,161 --> 00:04:18,952
- What?
- You've never heard of Tango?
112
00:04:18,963 --> 00:04:22,447
Well, Anne Reid and Derek
Jacobi play Celia and Alan,
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00:04:22,458 --> 00:04:26,375
a couple reunited in their
70s after 60 years apart.
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00:04:26,618 --> 00:04:28,093
Sarah Lancashire plays
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00:04:28,103 --> 00:04:30,612
Celia's formidable daughter,
Caroline. And n...
116
00:04:30,623 --> 00:04:32,289
- [SCREAMS]
- [SPLAT]
117
00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:36,302
Look, guys, I j... I don't like
gritty, convoluted television.
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00:04:36,503 --> 00:04:39,921
I like the simple,
comforting joy of network TV.
119
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,456
Peter, the point of
TV isn't joy anymore.
120
00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:44,458
It's to destroy you emotionally.
121
00:04:44,544 --> 00:04:46,127
Who the hell wants to
watch something happy
122
00:04:46,138 --> 00:04:48,305
when you can watch
Koreans fight to the death?
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00:04:48,581 --> 00:04:51,540
Well, I disagree. And I'm not
letting Lois get away with this.
124
00:04:51,551 --> 00:04:52,980
'Cause I miss my shows.
125
00:04:52,991 --> 00:04:54,574
Like the comedy of black-ish
126
00:04:54,585 --> 00:04:56,668
or those classic New York conversations
127
00:04:56,754 --> 00:04:58,170
at the beginning of Law & Order.
128
00:04:58,487 --> 00:05:00,946
Hey, you see that Aaron
Judge baseball hit last night?
129
00:05:01,003 --> 00:05:04,004
Sure did. Right here in
one of our five boroughs.
130
00:05:04,418 --> 00:05:08,211
Oh, no! I bet you a slice of
New York Pizza Pie he's dead!
131
00:05:12,719 --> 00:05:16,017
I can't believe you buy milk
and bras at the same place.
132
00:05:16,028 --> 00:05:17,346
God, we're trash.
133
00:05:17,357 --> 00:05:19,047
What? Where's the fridge?
134
00:05:19,058 --> 00:05:21,392
I sold it. You get rid of
the things I love,
135
00:05:21,403 --> 00:05:22,903
I get rid of the things you love.
136
00:05:23,043 --> 00:05:26,044
I also sold that tiny Jewish
hat you keep in the bathroom.
137
00:05:26,055 --> 00:05:27,803
That was my diaphragm.
138
00:05:27,814 --> 00:05:30,482
Ah. Well, Mort's gonna
have a rough day at temple.
139
00:05:30,493 --> 00:05:32,367
Look, just give streaming a shot.
140
00:05:32,481 --> 00:05:33,909
After all, it can't be any worse
141
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:35,920
than when we went to
the Florida Panhandle.
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00:05:36,493 --> 00:05:39,911
Mmm. Ah, this shrimp is
delicious. [CHUCKLES]
143
00:05:39,922 --> 00:05:41,547
[GASPS, CHOKING]
144
00:05:41,632 --> 00:05:43,173
Oh, god, my wife's choking!
145
00:05:43,184 --> 00:05:44,976
Is there a doctor in the house?!
146
00:05:45,124 --> 00:05:46,957
College graduate?
147
00:05:47,096 --> 00:05:48,554
High school graduate?
148
00:05:49,381 --> 00:05:51,970
Some high school with vocational degree?
149
00:05:52,564 --> 00:05:55,102
Whoever gets the shrimp out
of her windpipe can have it!
150
00:05:55,113 --> 00:05:57,030
[SCREAMING, SHOUTING]
151
00:06:01,322 --> 00:06:03,990
Well, I guess it's time to
try this streaming thing.
152
00:06:04,118 --> 00:06:05,728
Hey, what's our Netflix password?
153
00:06:05,739 --> 00:06:07,823
Uh, I don't know. I use Quagmire's.
154
00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:09,949
Squirrel Hunter?
155
00:06:10,020 --> 00:06:12,687
The Truth About Kicking
Your Leg During Sleep?
156
00:06:12,904 --> 00:06:15,655
Only the Otis Scenes of Milo and Otis?
157
00:06:15,740 --> 00:06:18,324
And Thirsty Romanian Coeds. All right!
158
00:06:18,569 --> 00:06:19,857
We do have some overlap.
159
00:06:19,868 --> 00:06:22,871
Okay, I guess I'll
click "forgot password."
160
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,785
Now it's asking me to pick all
the stoplights in a picture.
161
00:06:25,796 --> 00:06:27,917
Huh. A stoplight in
front of a movie theater
162
00:06:28,003 --> 00:06:30,253
with a marquee reading spotlight.
163
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:31,597
This might be a trick.
164
00:06:31,757 --> 00:06:34,732
All right, "what is the
first concert you attended?"
165
00:06:34,743 --> 00:06:38,223
"Smash Mouth, the time they
got bread thrown at them."
166
00:06:38,234 --> 00:06:39,817
"favorite pet?"
167
00:06:39,985 --> 00:06:42,360
Wait, you're not gonna
write "Bartholomew," are you?
168
00:06:42,371 --> 00:06:43,985
No, no, no. I would never do that.
169
00:06:43,996 --> 00:06:46,070
♪ Bartholomew, Bartholomew ♪
170
00:06:46,081 --> 00:06:49,188
♪ I'm dancing with my
favorite dog, Bartholomew! ♪
171
00:06:49,199 --> 00:06:50,699
[KNOCKING]
172
00:06:51,825 --> 00:06:53,116
Kevin James?!
173
00:06:53,127 --> 00:06:55,528
Hi, Peter. You were my
last viewer. [CHUCKLES]
174
00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:57,914
And now that you've
gotten rid of network TV,
175
00:06:57,925 --> 00:06:59,091
I'm out of a job.
176
00:06:59,102 --> 00:07:00,575
Well, you're a sitcom dad,
177
00:07:00,586 --> 00:07:03,045
so if the couch accepts
you, you can come in.
178
00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:07,206
[SCREAMS]
179
00:07:07,217 --> 00:07:08,406
[GIGGLES]
180
00:07:08,416 --> 00:07:09,603
Road couch.
181
00:07:14,832 --> 00:07:16,582
Wow! Kevin James!
182
00:07:16,593 --> 00:07:17,943
I can't believe you're here!
183
00:07:17,954 --> 00:07:19,218
Hey, guys, we got company!
184
00:07:19,303 --> 00:07:20,759
No nude wandering!
185
00:07:21,091 --> 00:07:23,715
Well, so much for Full Frontal Fridays.
186
00:07:23,726 --> 00:07:25,948
Wait, Triple "F" is a no-go?
187
00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:28,426
Look, I'm here because
now that I don't have
188
00:07:28,437 --> 00:07:30,304
any viewers or a job,
189
00:07:30,315 --> 00:07:32,148
I need you to take care of me.
190
00:07:32,299 --> 00:07:33,832
What, is that some kind of rule?
191
00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:34,918
Of course it is, Lois.
192
00:07:34,929 --> 00:07:37,153
In network TV, if someone
shows up at your door,
193
00:07:37,197 --> 00:07:38,459
you have to take care of 'em.
194
00:07:38,470 --> 00:07:39,978
It's the pilot of most shows.
195
00:07:39,989 --> 00:07:41,906
Oh, really? Name 50.
196
00:07:42,065 --> 00:07:43,815
New Girl, Two and a Half Men,
197
00:07:43,826 --> 00:07:45,618
Punky Brewster, Perfect Strangers,
198
00:07:45,745 --> 00:07:46,911
Frasier, Will & Grace,
199
00:07:46,996 --> 00:07:48,955
Friends, Joey, Home Economics,
200
00:07:49,040 --> 00:07:50,915
Mom, Dads, Cheers,
201
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,625
Hope & Faith, Raising Hope,
202
00:07:52,636 --> 00:07:54,159
Full House, Fuller House,
203
00:07:54,170 --> 00:07:55,670
- King of Queens...
- That's good.
204
00:07:55,681 --> 00:07:57,079
- I-I think we get it.
- Oh, no, no.
205
00:07:57,090 --> 00:07:59,340
No, this is a "name
all 50" kind of show.
206
00:07:59,546 --> 00:08:01,500
Too Close for Comfort, Mork & Mindy,
207
00:08:01,511 --> 00:08:03,177
The Nanny, Mr. Belvedere,
208
00:08:03,263 --> 00:08:05,263
The United States of Al, Yes, Dear,
209
00:08:05,348 --> 00:08:07,807
Down and out in Beverly
Hills, The TV series,
210
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:09,350
Rhoda, Golden Girls,
211
00:08:09,361 --> 00:08:11,444
Alf, Meego, Empty Nest,
212
00:08:11,455 --> 00:08:12,970
Wings, My Two Dads,
213
00:08:12,981 --> 00:08:14,897
Evening Shade, I Dream of Jeannie,
214
00:08:15,024 --> 00:08:16,607
Off Centre, Webster,
215
00:08:16,618 --> 00:08:19,175
The Bernie Mac Show, The
Return of Jezebel James,
216
00:08:19,186 --> 00:08:21,478
Aliens in America, Last Man on Earth,
217
00:08:21,489 --> 00:08:22,947
Union Square, Bram & Alice,
218
00:08:23,032 --> 00:08:24,949
The Grinder, Bleep My Dad Says,
219
00:08:25,034 --> 00:08:26,492
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,
220
00:08:26,503 --> 00:08:27,985
Damon, Happy Endings,
221
00:08:27,996 --> 00:08:29,745
Big Brother Jake, Three's Company,
222
00:08:29,831 --> 00:08:31,664
Mama's Family and Who's the Boss?
223
00:08:31,737 --> 00:08:34,029
Oh, yeah? Name 50 more.
224
00:08:34,087 --> 00:08:35,420
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
225
00:08:35,586 --> 00:08:37,457
Silver Spoons, The Odd Couple,
226
00:08:37,468 --> 00:08:38,633
The New Odd Couple...
227
00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,038
- Diff'rent Strokes and...
- [CREAKING]
228
00:08:40,049 --> 00:08:42,578
Oh, my God! She hung herself!
229
00:08:42,589 --> 00:08:43,797
Nah, nah, that's from airplane.
230
00:08:43,886 --> 00:08:45,261
We do that kind of stuff, too.
231
00:08:45,272 --> 00:08:46,527
You can stay.
232
00:08:50,482 --> 00:08:52,408
Family, meet Kevin.
233
00:08:52,669 --> 00:08:56,374
Wow! I guess black dress
shirts aren't just for magicians.
234
00:08:56,654 --> 00:08:59,608
[QUIETLY] Peter, you can't
just invite him to stay here.
235
00:08:59,619 --> 00:09:01,535
Come on, Lois. When
you got rid of the TV,
236
00:09:01,669 --> 00:09:02,960
did you really think it wouldn't end
237
00:09:03,072 --> 00:09:04,822
with me bunking with Kevin James?
238
00:09:04,853 --> 00:09:07,604
So, Kevin, what's Mandy Patinkin like?
239
00:09:07,703 --> 00:09:09,864
Uh, I don't know. Never met him.
240
00:09:09,875 --> 00:09:12,237
I thought you said this
guy was a [BLEEP] star.
241
00:09:12,248 --> 00:09:14,230
Hey, Brian, when are you
going to try to impress
242
00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:16,901
our Hollywood guest
with your writerly chops?
243
00:09:16,912 --> 00:09:19,477
Uh, your mouth's moving!
You're already rehearsing it.
244
00:09:19,488 --> 00:09:22,405
So, Kevin, the Hollywood
game can be pretty tough, huh?
245
00:09:22,416 --> 00:09:24,583
Do you have Hollywood experience?
246
00:09:24,594 --> 00:09:26,469
[CHUCKLING] Well, actually...
247
00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,337
He sure does! We went out there once,
248
00:09:28,348 --> 00:09:30,487
and on day one, Brian bit a Culkin.
249
00:09:30,498 --> 00:09:32,382
Tried to pet him without
showing his hand first
250
00:09:32,393 --> 00:09:33,684
and, boom, fingers gone.
251
00:09:33,752 --> 00:09:34,928
I need to see the hand!
252
00:09:34,939 --> 00:09:36,314
It's how I know he's not an aggressor.
253
00:09:36,439 --> 00:09:37,938
Kevin, I don't understand.
254
00:09:38,059 --> 00:09:39,433
How can you be out of work?
255
00:09:39,609 --> 00:09:41,192
You're not just a television actor...
256
00:09:41,203 --> 00:09:42,718
you're a movie star!
257
00:09:42,729 --> 00:09:44,771
Movie star? [CHUCKLES] Come on.
258
00:09:44,890 --> 00:09:47,641
I mean, I guess Paul
Blart did make 200 million
259
00:09:47,742 --> 00:09:49,386
on a shoestring budget,
260
00:09:49,397 --> 00:09:51,610
Iwas the single
most bankable comedy actor
261
00:09:51,811 --> 00:09:53,352
of the last two decades
262
00:09:53,363 --> 00:09:56,531
and the audience score on Grown
Ups was very respectable.
263
00:09:56,835 --> 00:09:59,368
Eh, the last one doesn't seem
to measure up with the first two.
264
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:03,330
But everything I had was because
people knew me from network TV.
265
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,715
And now that's over.
266
00:10:05,016 --> 00:10:07,042
So, Peter, what are we
gonna do after dinner?
267
00:10:07,169 --> 00:10:08,710
Get a large bowl of popcorn
268
00:10:08,721 --> 00:10:11,597
and watch the big game
in our sports uniforms?
269
00:10:11,841 --> 00:10:13,206
Yeah, Kevin, uh, I think
270
00:10:13,217 --> 00:10:15,759
you've only watched
sporting events on TV shows.
271
00:10:15,845 --> 00:10:17,219
Nobody calls it "the big game"
272
00:10:17,305 --> 00:10:19,388
or makes a large bowl of popcorn.
273
00:10:19,399 --> 00:10:21,371
But then what's gonna
fly all over the place
274
00:10:21,382 --> 00:10:23,007
- when we get excited?
- [GIGGLES]
275
00:10:23,018 --> 00:10:24,768
Okay. A-all right,
all right, that's fair.
276
00:10:24,779 --> 00:10:26,821
All right, look, Kevin
can stay for dinner,
277
00:10:26,906 --> 00:10:28,137
but then he has to leave.
278
00:10:28,148 --> 00:10:29,731
But he doesn't have anywhere else to go!
279
00:10:29,742 --> 00:10:31,242
And this whole thing is our fault.
280
00:10:31,435 --> 00:10:33,226
Come on, look at him... he's got no idea
281
00:10:33,246 --> 00:10:35,413
what life outside of sitcoms is like.
282
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:38,422
I tell you what... I'll show him
how to be a real real guy
283
00:10:38,543 --> 00:10:40,418
and not just a sitcom real guy,
284
00:10:40,545 --> 00:10:42,253
and then he'll be on his way.
285
00:10:42,380 --> 00:10:43,912
[SIGHS] Fine.
286
00:10:43,923 --> 00:10:46,244
I guess I can't kick
someone out on Christmas.
287
00:10:46,255 --> 00:10:48,019
But where's he gonna sleep?
288
00:10:48,030 --> 00:10:49,738
Don't worry. I got that all figured out.
289
00:10:49,846 --> 00:10:51,720
You won't even notice he's there.
290
00:10:51,889 --> 00:10:54,098
- [SNORING]
- [CANNED LAUGHTER]
291
00:10:56,135 --> 00:10:58,802
In network TV, what
someone says won't happen,
292
00:10:58,929 --> 00:11:00,470
that's what's gonna happen.
293
00:11:00,481 --> 00:11:02,273
[CANNED LAUGHTER]
294
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,096
Hey, where's Kevin? I
thought we were gonna show him
295
00:11:10,107 --> 00:11:11,272
how regular guys drink.
296
00:11:11,283 --> 00:11:12,732
We are, but he's still adjusting,
297
00:11:12,743 --> 00:11:14,618
and he won't enter a
room until his warm-up guy
298
00:11:14,662 --> 00:11:15,735
works the crowd.
299
00:11:15,746 --> 00:11:17,770
- So, where you folks from?
- Quahog.
300
00:11:17,781 --> 00:11:19,072
[CHUCKLES] Oh, quahog.
301
00:11:19,083 --> 00:11:20,749
I'll talk a little slower.
302
00:11:20,910 --> 00:11:22,826
- Aw, he got me.
- I'm just kidding.
303
00:11:22,837 --> 00:11:24,920
And, hey, thank you for your service.
304
00:11:25,121 --> 00:11:26,663
Oh, I was never in the military.
305
00:11:26,754 --> 00:11:29,323
I was talking to the
booth holding you up.
306
00:11:29,334 --> 00:11:32,509
Oh, damn it, he got me
again! This guy's too quick.
307
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,595
All right, everyone, Kevin's
gonna be out in a moment,
308
00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:37,382
so remember, he feeds off your energy.
309
00:11:37,509 --> 00:11:40,677
So the better you are, the
better Kevin's gonna be.
310
00:11:40,688 --> 00:11:43,022
Hi, guys. Great to see you tonight.
311
00:11:44,492 --> 00:11:46,512
Wait, he couldn't just think of that?
312
00:11:46,523 --> 00:11:49,607
And doesn't Peter Griffin look handsome?
313
00:11:50,146 --> 00:11:51,896
I took the cue cards.
314
00:11:52,218 --> 00:11:53,741
I grabbed him from behind too hard,
315
00:11:53,752 --> 00:11:55,251
and now he's not moving.
316
00:11:58,238 --> 00:12:00,361
Hey, Kevin, was that
lady always pressuring you
317
00:12:00,372 --> 00:12:01,621
to join Scientology?
318
00:12:01,632 --> 00:12:04,715
No. I'm a devout catholic,
and that's even weirder.
319
00:12:04,726 --> 00:12:07,307
Did you know that when
unbaptized babies die,
320
00:12:07,318 --> 00:12:09,581
they go into limbo until the pope said
321
00:12:09,592 --> 00:12:11,008
that wasn't a thing anymore?
322
00:12:11,019 --> 00:12:14,020
Yeah, my grandpa went to hell
for eating meat on Fridays.
323
00:12:16,104 --> 00:12:17,446
Worth it.
324
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:22,093
Well, Kevin, it's time to teach you
325
00:12:22,104 --> 00:12:25,439
how real blue-collar guys
pay real bills in real life.
326
00:12:25,724 --> 00:12:27,474
See this? It's a mortgage bill.
327
00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:29,601
And this is how it gets paid.
328
00:12:29,686 --> 00:12:31,540
Mr. Pewterschmidt, it's Peter.
329
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:33,834
- Please pay my mortgage.
- [CARTER] Damn it, Griffin!
330
00:12:33,845 --> 00:12:36,238
I'm crying, Mr.
Pewterschmidt, I'm crying.
331
00:12:36,249 --> 00:12:37,976
I know you're crying. Act like a man.
332
00:12:37,987 --> 00:12:40,701
I can't. I'm not a man.
And if you don't pay it,
333
00:12:40,712 --> 00:12:43,067
I'm gonna hurt myself
and your grandchildren.
334
00:12:43,078 --> 00:12:45,394
- Stop threatening me.
- It's not a threat if I do it.
335
00:12:45,405 --> 00:12:46,952
It's not a threat if I do it.
336
00:12:47,132 --> 00:12:49,730
- Okay, okay, I'll pay it.
- Thank you.
337
00:12:49,741 --> 00:12:52,290
All right, now to show you
how to pay a utility bill.
338
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:53,811
[PHONE RINGING]
339
00:12:54,142 --> 00:12:55,961
- Hello?
- Kevin, it's Peter.
340
00:12:56,284 --> 00:12:57,954
I really messed up, man.
341
00:13:02,003 --> 00:13:04,469
Good news. I got my first real job
342
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,360
as an actual UPS guy.
343
00:13:06,371 --> 00:13:08,189
They said I was the last non-robot
344
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,533
they're ever gonna hire.
345
00:13:09,544 --> 00:13:10,751
That's great, buddy.
346
00:13:10,809 --> 00:13:12,768
You narrowly escaped becoming a realtor.
347
00:13:13,688 --> 00:13:16,125
Hi. Are you the realtor
for this property?
348
00:13:16,136 --> 00:13:17,899
I am. I blew out my shoulder
349
00:13:17,984 --> 00:13:21,367
playing minor league
baseball, so now I do this.
350
00:13:21,378 --> 00:13:24,086
[ANNOUNCER] Realtors:
Never anyone's plan A.
351
00:13:24,097 --> 00:13:25,638
And I also started dating a woman
352
00:13:25,649 --> 00:13:28,150
who looks like she
actually belongs with me.
353
00:13:28,161 --> 00:13:31,576
She has the most negative
dating app page I've ever seen.
354
00:13:31,587 --> 00:13:33,587
"Wants to know where
all the good men are.
355
00:13:33,817 --> 00:13:36,940
Integrity only. I will
not cosign a loan,"
356
00:13:36,951 --> 00:13:38,320
with the "not" underlined.
357
00:13:38,331 --> 00:13:40,955
And a picture of her dog
that says, "The only man
358
00:13:40,966 --> 00:13:43,279
who's never lied to
me." Oh, this is great.
359
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:46,469
Yeah, I think I'm a
real real guy now, Peter.
360
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,332
You sure are. You see, Kev,
361
00:13:48,343 --> 00:13:50,492
nothing's gonna stop
you in the real world
362
00:13:50,503 --> 00:13:52,809
except for your own
cardiovascular system.
363
00:13:53,116 --> 00:13:55,344
Hey, I'm only heavy
'cause Adam Sandler made me
364
00:13:55,355 --> 00:13:57,642
gain 60 pounds to be in his movies.
365
00:13:57,653 --> 00:13:59,554
I was Ethel to his Lucy.
366
00:13:59,950 --> 00:14:02,856
Anyway, I owe you, Peter. Put it there.
367
00:14:04,914 --> 00:14:06,831
Aah! What happened to your hand?
368
00:14:06,981 --> 00:14:10,777
I-I don't know. It-it's disappearing.
369
00:14:11,265 --> 00:14:13,336
Were you also bit by Brian?
370
00:14:13,347 --> 00:14:15,472
[LAUGHS] That's the Culkin.
371
00:14:22,115 --> 00:14:23,823
Let me guess, one of you chuckleheads
372
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,458
has a nutcracker inside you.
373
00:14:25,469 --> 00:14:27,218
- What? No.
- Hi.
374
00:14:27,229 --> 00:14:29,986
We're nonjudgmental interns
just here to observe.
375
00:14:29,997 --> 00:14:31,330
False alarm. Not what I thought.
376
00:14:31,341 --> 00:14:32,882
[INTERNS] Aww.
377
00:14:32,893 --> 00:14:34,142
Whenever interns observe,
378
00:14:34,186 --> 00:14:36,026
it's because we think you
put something in there.
379
00:14:36,037 --> 00:14:38,721
Listen, doctor, I need you
to help my friend Kevin.
380
00:14:38,732 --> 00:14:40,967
Oh, my God, Kevin James!
381
00:14:40,978 --> 00:14:42,724
You know, you owe your career to me.
382
00:14:42,735 --> 00:14:45,710
I'm the doctor who
couldn't save John Candy.
383
00:14:45,721 --> 00:14:48,389
Doctor, my hand, it's disappearing,
384
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,233
and I don't know what to do.
385
00:14:51,187 --> 00:14:53,589
Kevin, your arm. It's getting worse.
386
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,171
Hmm. I think I see what's going on here.
387
00:14:56,182 --> 00:14:57,606
Kevin is fading away
388
00:14:57,617 --> 00:14:59,700
because streaming has
made him irrelevant.
389
00:14:59,785 --> 00:15:01,481
Is there anything we can do for him?
390
00:15:01,492 --> 00:15:04,766
Yes. Sitcom stars like
Kevin clearly need the laughs
391
00:15:04,777 --> 00:15:07,426
of a studio audience, or
he may disappear forever.
392
00:15:07,437 --> 00:15:09,143
His hair was disappearing, too,
393
00:15:09,154 --> 00:15:11,237
but I assume he took
care of that another way.
394
00:15:11,248 --> 00:15:13,055
Is there someone I can talk to?
395
00:15:13,066 --> 00:15:15,383
Ah, there's our guy. Interns!
396
00:15:18,657 --> 00:15:20,975
Guys, we gotta get Kevin back on TV.
397
00:15:20,986 --> 00:15:22,360
So ideas. Go.
398
00:15:22,371 --> 00:15:24,079
Kevin plays a large robot,
399
00:15:24,172 --> 00:15:26,172
and it's called Big Wonder.
400
00:15:26,257 --> 00:15:28,570
[LAUGHS] Not bad, not
bad. Okay, what else?
401
00:15:28,581 --> 00:15:31,874
A show in which Kevin moves
in with a woman named Betsy,
402
00:15:32,076 --> 00:15:35,214
and it's called Kevins to Betsy.
403
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:37,925
Or he's the seventh in
a long line of Kevins,
404
00:15:37,936 --> 00:15:39,239
for Seventh Kevin.
405
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:40,686
Yeah, they don't all have to be puns
406
00:15:40,697 --> 00:15:41,988
built around the name Kevin.
407
00:15:41,999 --> 00:15:45,000
Guys, I think we were all
laughing at Big Wonder.
408
00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:46,409
We're not doing Big Wonder.
409
00:15:46,420 --> 00:15:48,452
Why? Because you didn't think of it?
410
00:15:48,463 --> 00:15:51,381
Chris, the brainstorming
process is admittedly messy,
411
00:15:51,392 --> 00:15:53,184
but let's try to stay
away from personal attacks.
412
00:15:53,344 --> 00:15:56,987
I have an idea. I'm a
stepdad with six daughters,
413
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,556
and it's called Daddy's Girls.
414
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,108
I don't know. Not sure I see the hook.
415
00:16:01,235 --> 00:16:04,236
And I trick them into washing
my car in their bikinis
416
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,197
while I hide in the backseat.
417
00:16:06,314 --> 00:16:07,522
Okay, now I love it.
418
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,417
It's not just funny, it's smart.
419
00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:11,039
You know, I'm on GoDaddy,
420
00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:14,149
and the domain name "big
wonder" is available.
421
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:16,410
- Chris, stop pushing this.
- Oh, really?
422
00:16:16,421 --> 00:16:19,172
'Cause if Kevin pitched it,
you'd put your mouth on him.
423
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:21,870
All right, that's it.
You're grounded for life.
424
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:24,256
Which was also a fat dad sitcom.
425
00:16:24,375 --> 00:16:26,458
[LAUGHS] Okay, all right, we've made up.
426
00:16:26,660 --> 00:16:28,960
I've got an idea. Kevin is a baker,
427
00:16:28,971 --> 00:16:30,568
and he adopts 12 children.
428
00:16:30,579 --> 00:16:31,913
The title writes itself.
429
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:35,191
Yeah, and the tagline is
"he's got muffin to lose."
430
00:16:35,202 --> 00:16:37,084
Okay, wow, all right,
this is too good for Kevin.
431
00:16:37,095 --> 00:16:38,595
We have to write this now.
432
00:16:38,974 --> 00:16:41,671
You know why he's a baker?
Because he kneads the dough.
433
00:16:41,682 --> 00:16:45,309
[LAUGHS] I love this
poster. I mean show.
434
00:16:46,307 --> 00:16:48,707
Peter, my arm is almost gone now.
435
00:16:48,718 --> 00:16:50,307
Oh, god, what are we gonna do?
436
00:16:50,318 --> 00:16:51,734
Okay, come on, everyone.
437
00:16:51,745 --> 00:16:54,162
It's time to go to city
hall for the tree lighting.
438
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:57,165
And Meg's in the nativity
play as the virgin Mary.
439
00:16:57,325 --> 00:16:59,617
Wait a minute. The nativity play.
440
00:16:59,711 --> 00:17:03,129
Kevin, I got an idea,
and it's my best idea
441
00:17:03,173 --> 00:17:05,048
since I put hockey ice in the kitchen.
442
00:17:05,352 --> 00:17:07,644
- [TIMER DINGS]
- Yay, waffles.
443
00:17:08,678 --> 00:17:11,220
Mine. Hockey house.
444
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,143
Everyone, change of plans.
445
00:17:17,154 --> 00:17:18,510
This year we're gonna do a twist
446
00:17:18,521 --> 00:17:20,720
on the usual story of the king of kings,
447
00:17:20,731 --> 00:17:23,650
with the "King of Queens," Kevin James.
448
00:17:27,228 --> 00:17:29,186
Peter, this isn't gonna work.
449
00:17:29,197 --> 00:17:30,657
Sure it will. The doctor said
450
00:17:30,668 --> 00:17:32,418
you need live audience laughter.
451
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,186
The conceit is he's a
single dad with a baby.
452
00:17:35,205 --> 00:17:37,754
[LAUGHS] The conception
may be immaculate,
453
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,323
but the diaper sure isn't.
454
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:41,668
- [BOOING]
- Get off the stage.
455
00:17:41,753 --> 00:17:43,652
Network TV is stupid.
456
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:46,080
Why does Jerry Stiller
have such a big chest?
457
00:17:46,497 --> 00:17:48,041
Peter, my leg.
458
00:17:50,179 --> 00:17:52,394
Come on, guys, network TV isn't stupid.
459
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,741
It-it's...
460
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:55,663
It's like the bible.
461
00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:57,049
Sure, the plot doesn't make sense
462
00:17:57,060 --> 00:17:58,142
if you think about it.
463
00:17:58,153 --> 00:17:59,886
The characters are a
little over the top.
464
00:17:59,897 --> 00:18:02,825
Both tell the same tired
stories again and again.
465
00:18:02,836 --> 00:18:04,631
No one ever seems to learn their lesson.
466
00:18:04,642 --> 00:18:07,435
And neither ever offers an
authentic female point of view.
467
00:18:07,446 --> 00:18:08,936
Oh, if I can add to that...
468
00:18:08,947 --> 00:18:10,321
Not now, Lois, I'm talking.
469
00:18:10,332 --> 00:18:13,848
But the point is, network
TV... It makes you feel good.
470
00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:16,527
And when the rest of life
is so exhausting and hard,
471
00:18:16,954 --> 00:18:18,698
isn't that all that's important?
472
00:18:18,709 --> 00:18:20,504
Peter, my other leg!
473
00:18:21,626 --> 00:18:23,626
[SOFT LAUGHTER]
474
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:26,713
Yes. Kevin, keep going.
475
00:18:27,151 --> 00:18:28,506
That went well.
476
00:18:28,517 --> 00:18:30,267
[LAUGHTER]
477
00:18:30,799 --> 00:18:32,648
Well, there's the star of Bethlehem,
478
00:18:32,659 --> 00:18:35,838
which is one more star than
I'm giving this inn on Yelp.
479
00:18:35,849 --> 00:18:37,140
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
480
00:18:37,151 --> 00:18:38,442
Oh, that's so funny.
481
00:18:38,453 --> 00:18:39,540
I use Yelp.
482
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:41,051
Do you think Ben Stiller's chest
483
00:18:41,062 --> 00:18:42,396
will pop out like his dad's?
484
00:18:42,407 --> 00:18:43,971
I just want to know what to expect.
485
00:18:44,105 --> 00:18:45,563
See, isn't this fun?
486
00:18:45,574 --> 00:18:48,200
Everyone laughing together
at the same simple thing,
487
00:18:48,278 --> 00:18:50,320
instead of all of us on
our individual devices
488
00:18:50,447 --> 00:18:53,145
watching depressing,
complicated bull crap?
489
00:18:53,156 --> 00:18:56,617
We need Kevin James,
and we need network TV.
490
00:18:56,745 --> 00:18:58,786
♪ Joy to the world ♪
491
00:18:58,913 --> 00:19:01,289
♪ The Lord is come ♪
492
00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:05,918
♪ Let earth receive her king... ♪
493
00:19:06,046 --> 00:19:08,755
Peter, my limbs. They're coming back.
494
00:19:08,923 --> 00:19:11,257
And that's not all. Look!
495
00:19:14,343 --> 00:19:15,963
It's old sitcom stars.
496
00:19:15,974 --> 00:19:17,846
They're coming out of the cornfield.
497
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:19,864
It's Jenna Elfman.
498
00:19:19,882 --> 00:19:21,142
Tony Danza.
499
00:19:21,916 --> 00:19:23,991
- And, uh...
- Traylor Howard,
500
00:19:24,001 --> 00:19:25,667
from Two Guys and a Girl.
501
00:19:25,678 --> 00:19:27,985
Yeah, you're not a star.
You shouldn't be in the cornfield.
502
00:19:27,996 --> 00:19:30,592
But I was also in the later
seasons of Monk.
503
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:31,769
I see.
504
00:19:32,184 --> 00:19:34,046
- [SCREAMING]
- [SPLAT]
505
00:19:34,057 --> 00:19:36,454
Now your list of credits
includes Castle.
506
00:19:36,781 --> 00:19:38,845
Hi, I'm Les Moonves Chen.
507
00:19:38,856 --> 00:19:40,977
And I'm hiding behind
my wife's name now.
508
00:19:40,988 --> 00:19:43,766
Kevin, I'm looking for my
own television comeback,
509
00:19:43,777 --> 00:19:46,903
and enough power that I can
sexually harass doctors again.
510
00:19:46,914 --> 00:19:49,353
- And I'm anyone else.
- I'll go with you.
511
00:19:49,364 --> 00:19:52,206
And to think I was about to kiss you.
512
00:19:52,217 --> 00:19:54,592
Kevin, let's go make a sitcom.
513
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,334
I can't believe it.
514
00:19:56,345 --> 00:19:58,179
I'm gonna be on TV again.
515
00:19:58,190 --> 00:20:00,581
I'm going back to Hollywood.
516
00:20:02,579 --> 00:20:03,661
[ALL GASP]
517
00:20:07,329 --> 00:20:10,121
[GASPS] He's a Christmas miracle.
518
00:20:10,132 --> 00:20:12,299
Can I please have my TV back now?
519
00:20:12,353 --> 00:20:13,894
Yes, Peter, you can.
520
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:16,103
Yay! Kiss me, Lois.
521
00:20:16,114 --> 00:20:18,287
And think about our
marriage while we're kissing.
522
00:20:18,298 --> 00:20:19,300
Mm...
523
00:20:19,311 --> 00:20:21,509
♪ Oh, Barkley, my Barkley ♪
524
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,520
♪ The other dog we had. ♪
525
00:20:29,305 --> 00:20:31,101
And that's Baker's Dozen.
526
00:20:31,112 --> 00:20:32,913
We're hoping you say yes.
527
00:20:32,924 --> 00:20:34,793
Or just roll with it.
528
00:20:34,804 --> 00:20:35,969
[LAUGHTER]
529
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:37,271
Great pitch, guys.
530
00:20:37,282 --> 00:20:39,997
This is exactly the kind
of tagline-driven comedy
531
00:20:40,008 --> 00:20:41,675
- we're looking for.
- Really?
532
00:20:41,736 --> 00:20:43,986
The only problem is
we've already committed
533
00:20:43,997 --> 00:20:45,372
to another project:
534
00:20:45,404 --> 00:20:47,974
- Big Wonder.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
535
00:20:47,985 --> 00:20:50,653
- What?!
- He owns the rights to the domain name.
536
00:20:50,664 --> 00:20:52,163
That's a big deal in our world.
537
00:20:52,304 --> 00:20:53,640
Fine. We don't need you.
538
00:20:53,651 --> 00:20:56,082
We'll take this down
the hall to Scott Rudin.
539
00:20:56,093 --> 00:20:57,885
[LOUD CRASH]
540
00:20:58,313 --> 00:20:59,771
He threw a computer at me.
541
00:20:59,949 --> 00:21:01,756
He didn't even ask who I was.
542
00:21:01,978 --> 00:21:06,978
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
41469
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