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♪ I am the visual
The inspiration ♪
2
00:00:04,104 --> 00:00:06,272
♪ That made lady
Sing the blues ♪
3
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:08,041
♪ I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright ♪
4
00:00:08,108 --> 00:00:09,509
♪ The same spark
That lights the dark ♪
5
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:11,010
♪ So that you can know
Your left from your right ♪
6
00:00:11,077 --> 00:00:14,047
♪ I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun ♪
7
00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:15,715
♪ The inner glow
That lets you know ♪
8
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:16,983
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
9
00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:18,385
♪ The story that just begun ♪
10
00:00:18,451 --> 00:00:19,986
♪ The promise
Of what's to come ♪
11
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,454
♪ And I'm-a remain a soldier ♪
12
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,256
♪ Till the war is won ♪
13
00:00:23,323 --> 00:00:26,259
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
14
00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:28,661
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
15
00:00:28,728 --> 00:00:31,131
♪ Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip ♪
16
00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:32,866
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
17
00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:35,835
[♪♪♪]
18
00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:38,938
JAZMINE:
He knows when you been sleeping!
19
00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:40,373
MAN: All right.
WOMAN: Amen.
20
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,042
JAZMINE:
He knows when you're awake!
21
00:00:43,109 --> 00:00:44,778
He knows if you've
been bad or good,
22
00:00:44,844 --> 00:00:46,780
so be good for what?
23
00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:48,548
PEOPLE:
Goodness sake.
24
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,583
[CROWD CHEERING]
25
00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:51,584
Think about that.
26
00:00:51,651 --> 00:00:54,454
Be good for goodness sake.
27
00:00:54,521 --> 00:00:55,455
Yes.
28
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:57,290
Whose sake?
29
00:00:57,357 --> 00:00:58,391
CHOIR:
Goodness sake.
30
00:00:58,458 --> 00:00:59,893
MAN 2:
Speak, sister, speak!
31
00:00:59,959 --> 00:01:02,395
♪ It's time to take the ho's ♪
32
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:04,697
♪ Out the music videos ♪
33
00:01:04,763 --> 00:01:06,633
And put 'em in your mouth.
34
00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:07,734
Somebody say "ho, ho, ho."
35
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:09,636
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!
36
00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:12,172
Nowadays,
people think "ho, ho, ho,"
37
00:01:12,238 --> 00:01:13,907
means the Hilton sisters...
38
00:01:13,973 --> 00:01:16,543
standing next to Nicole Richie.
39
00:01:16,609 --> 00:01:18,745
Now, that ain't no "ho, ho, ho."
40
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:21,948
Somebody give me the real
"ho, ho, ho," out there.
41
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,750
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!
42
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,385
Praise Santa!
43
00:01:26,719 --> 00:01:29,722
FedEx, UPS.
44
00:01:29,789 --> 00:01:31,691
They can ship the package.
45
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:32,959
♪ But wait a minute ♪
46
00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,259
MAN:
Hold on!
47
00:01:34,327 --> 00:01:36,062
I know a man
with a different kind
48
00:01:36,128 --> 00:01:38,031
of guaranteed
overnight delivery.
49
00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:41,301
He's got his own
overnight express.
50
00:01:41,366 --> 00:01:43,503
Forget Airborne Express.
51
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:46,072
I'll take the reindeer express.
52
00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:47,973
'Cause it's free shipping
on Christmas Eve.
53
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,809
Somebody say...
54
00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:51,644
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!
55
00:01:52,878 --> 00:01:54,481
Praise Santa.
56
00:01:54,547 --> 00:01:56,316
CHOIR:
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
57
00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:58,218
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
58
00:01:58,283 --> 00:02:00,353
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
59
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:02,088
♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪
60
00:02:02,155 --> 00:02:03,156
[GASPS]
61
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:04,958
Praise Santa.
62
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:07,660
["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]
63
00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:11,397
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
64
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,202
MAN [OVER PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
from the North Pole,
65
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:19,572
may we present Santa Claus.
66
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:21,474
Merry Christmas, kids.
[ALL CHEERING]
67
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,476
Hi, everybody. Hi.
68
00:02:23,543 --> 00:02:24,644
Ho, ho, ho.
69
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:28,948
GIRL:
Santa!
70
00:02:29,015 --> 00:02:30,884
SANTA:
What a jolly day.
71
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:32,752
[SLURPING]
72
00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:38,424
GIRL 2:
I love you, Santa!
73
00:02:42,962 --> 00:02:43,897
Hi, Santa!
74
00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:48,468
Hey, Merry Christ--
[LAUGHING]
75
00:02:48,968 --> 00:02:50,203
[YELLS]
76
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:53,973
ALL:
Santa!
77
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,476
Yeah, I got your ass, Santa!
78
00:02:56,543 --> 00:02:59,012
[GROANS]
79
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,048
RILEY:
I'm comin' for that ass!
80
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,317
[GROANING]
81
00:03:05,718 --> 00:03:07,153
[SIGHS]
82
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:08,655
Punk yo ass!
83
00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:10,423
Uh-oh.
84
00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:16,563
GIRL 2:
He's killing him!
85
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:17,997
What the fuck?
86
00:03:18,064 --> 00:03:21,367
You all just gonna stand there
and watch me get my ass kicked?
87
00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:23,870
Nobody had my back, huh?
88
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:27,607
Nobody's got Santa's back?
Ain't this a bitch.
89
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:30,009
That's fucked up with y'all.
90
00:03:30,076 --> 00:03:31,311
GIRL 2:
Santa said the F-word!
91
00:03:31,377 --> 00:03:33,846
WOMAN:
Even Santa gets angry sometimes.
92
00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:35,848
[♪♪♪]
93
00:03:35,915 --> 00:03:38,451
MAN:
And the sixth day of Kwanzaa
is Kuji--
94
00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:41,387
Ku-- Uh, uh-- Ku--
95
00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,723
Wow, this is really complicated.
96
00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:45,191
The sixth day is...
97
00:03:45,258 --> 00:03:47,527
Er, uh... Kuumba.
98
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:51,030
Kuuuuumbaaaa.
99
00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:54,233
HUEY:
Harold Kennedy Uberwitz
was my history teacher.
100
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:55,535
He was culturally sensitive.
101
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:58,471
And on Kuumbay--
Uh, Kuumba--
102
00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,607
Uh, the elder--
Okay, that would be me.
103
00:04:00,673 --> 00:04:04,277
--leads everyone
in the Harambee salute.
104
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:07,213
[YAWNING]
And that goes like:
105
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,583
Harambee!
106
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:12,285
Okay, great.
107
00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:14,621
So who wants to join me
in the Harambee salute?
108
00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:17,156
Anyone? Huey?
109
00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:18,757
[SIGHS]
110
00:04:18,825 --> 00:04:19,926
You sure?
111
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,428
It's Kwanzaa.
112
00:04:22,495 --> 00:04:25,298
Okay, no problem.
Here we go.
113
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:26,866
Harambee!
114
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,568
Harambee!
115
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:29,602
Harambee!
116
00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:31,537
Harambee!
117
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,106
Harambee!
118
00:04:33,172 --> 00:04:34,240
Harambee!
119
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:35,975
Harambee!
120
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:37,377
Harambee!
121
00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:38,645
Harambee!
122
00:04:38,711 --> 00:04:40,780
["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]
123
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,352
HUEY:
You want me to direct
the Christmas play?
124
00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:50,323
UBERWITZ:
Absolutely. I-I think
you'll do a fantastic job.
125
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,859
First of all, I don't
give a damn about Christmas.
126
00:04:52,925 --> 00:04:56,963
You don't have to do
a traditional Christmas play.
127
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,666
No, you can do
whatever you want.
128
00:04:59,732 --> 00:05:00,700
You'll be fired.
129
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:02,301
Fired? For what?
130
00:05:02,368 --> 00:05:04,937
For being an irresponsible
white person.
131
00:05:05,004 --> 00:05:07,507
I would really love
to see your vision.
132
00:05:07,573 --> 00:05:11,010
Vision? What do you know
about my vision?
133
00:05:11,077 --> 00:05:13,680
My vision would turn
your world upside-down,
134
00:05:13,746 --> 00:05:14,981
tear asunder
your illusions,
135
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:16,983
and send the sanctuary
of your own ignorance
136
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,818
crashing down around you.
137
00:05:18,885 --> 00:05:20,753
Now, ask yourself:
138
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:23,222
Are you really ready
to see that vision?
139
00:05:23,289 --> 00:05:26,259
We'll give you complete
creative control.
140
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,096
I want it in writing.
141
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:33,199
WOMAN [OVER TV]:
And suddenly,
there was with the angel--
142
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,002
GRANDDAD:
A multitude of the heavenly
host, praising God,
143
00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:39,172
and saying, "Glory to God
in the highest and on Earth,
144
00:05:39,238 --> 00:05:40,506
peace, goodwill toward men."
145
00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:42,975
[SOBBING]
146
00:05:44,477 --> 00:05:46,212
And that's what Christmas
is all about.
147
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,114
Mm-hm.
148
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,682
You hear that, boy?
149
00:05:49,749 --> 00:05:51,484
That's what Christmas
is all about.
150
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:55,121
Actually, Granddad,
Christmas is a pagan holiday.
151
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,724
And Jesus probably hates you
for celebrating it.
152
00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:00,326
There ain't gonna be no Scrooges
in this house, boy!
153
00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:02,862
Look, Granddad,
it's clear from the scripture
154
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:05,231
that Jesus was not born
in winter.
155
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:07,633
The shepherds, who saw
the angels announcing his birth,
156
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:10,103
would not have been out
in their fields in December.
157
00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:12,438
The Palestinian winters
are too cold.
158
00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:14,807
If you believe
in that sort of thing.
159
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,476
The truth is,
Christmas evolved
160
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,644
from the Roman holiday
Saturnalia,
161
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:21,581
a winter festival where men
gave gifts to each other.
162
00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:23,149
They also would get drunk,
163
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,518
have sex with each other
and beat their wives.
164
00:06:25,585 --> 00:06:27,620
People would act so crazy
on Christmas,
165
00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:30,256
the holiday was outlawed
by the Protestant church
166
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:31,891
until the 1800s.
167
00:06:31,957 --> 00:06:34,761
As a matter of fact,
the United States Congress...
168
00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:35,962
[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]
169
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,636
Granddad?
Granddad!
170
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:46,239
I'm sorry, boy.
Wh-wh-what was that?
171
00:06:46,305 --> 00:06:49,142
I just explained
the entire history of Christmas.
172
00:06:49,207 --> 00:06:53,813
But it was booooring, Huey.
173
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:57,250
You just, "Blah, blah, gay sex.
Blah, blah, Congress."
174
00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,252
You know,
you gotta be interesting.
175
00:06:59,318 --> 00:07:01,320
You're gonna talk me to death.
Talk, talk, talk.
176
00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:03,089
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
177
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,824
HUEY:
And that's when it hit me.
178
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,560
The world needed
to see my vision.
179
00:07:07,627 --> 00:07:09,395
But I needed
to dress it up first.
180
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:12,231
It needed scale and drama
and special effects.
181
00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:15,601
What are you doing?
182
00:07:15,668 --> 00:07:17,403
I'm writing a letter
to Santa.
183
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:20,640
"Dear Santa.
184
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:23,976
You are a bitch nigga--"
185
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:26,179
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold up, hold up, hold up.
186
00:07:26,245 --> 00:07:28,481
"Dear Santa.
187
00:07:28,548 --> 00:07:31,484
"You are a bitch ass nigga.
188
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:37,423
"I heard the mall is hiring
extra security to protect you.
189
00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:40,126
"That's a bitch move, Santa.
190
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:45,765
"I'm coming for that ass again
until you pay what you owe.
191
00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:47,633
"Sincerely yours,
192
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:49,769
the Santa Stalker."
193
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,806
JAZMINE:
I think you should do a play
194
00:07:53,873 --> 00:07:55,641
about what Christmas
is really about.
195
00:07:55,707 --> 00:07:58,511
Christmas is about how Santa
died for our gifts
196
00:07:58,578 --> 00:08:03,049
and rose from the dead
and moved to the North Pole.
197
00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:05,384
And because of that,
every year,
198
00:08:05,451 --> 00:08:08,087
Santa comes down
to forgive us our sins
199
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:09,622
and give us
eternal presents.
200
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,958
Man, Santa these nuts!
201
00:08:12,024 --> 00:08:14,560
Where was Santa
when we was in the 'hood, huh?
202
00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:16,863
Santa ain't show a nigga
no love back then.
203
00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:21,334
I didn't ask for much.
Just rims. Not even a whole car.
204
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:23,069
And what did we get? Nothin'.
205
00:08:23,135 --> 00:08:25,571
That nigga gonna pay
what he owe.
206
00:08:25,638 --> 00:08:27,573
[♪♪♪]
207
00:08:39,318 --> 00:08:41,687
Merry Christmas,
Mr. Uberwitz.
208
00:08:41,754 --> 00:08:43,522
Are you here
to see Mr. Freeman?
209
00:08:43,588 --> 00:08:44,524
Uh...
210
00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:45,725
yeah.
211
00:08:45,790 --> 00:08:49,128
One second.
Mr. Uberwitz is here.
212
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:52,732
Okay. He's just finishing up
another meeting.
213
00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,600
You can have a seat
in the hallway.
214
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:56,135
Can I get you anything?
215
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,436
Some water?
216
00:08:57,503 --> 00:09:00,039
No, I'm fine. Thank you.
217
00:09:02,508 --> 00:09:04,043
Huey?
218
00:09:05,511 --> 00:09:09,048
Oh, hey, Mr. Uberwitz.
This is Quincy Jones.
219
00:09:09,115 --> 00:09:10,950
I've asked him to come in
and co-produce.
220
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:12,952
How are you, man?
221
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:16,622
I-I-I'm good. How do--?
How do you know Huey?
222
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:18,224
Oh, me and Huey
go way back.
223
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,325
And by the way,
224
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,227
I hope you're not
gonna be getting strange
225
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:22,929
with the change
on the music budget.
226
00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:24,764
Music budget?
227
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,132
[ROWDY HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
228
00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:29,335
What the--?
229
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,306
[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]
230
00:09:33,372 --> 00:09:34,640
ALL:
Hey!
231
00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:37,076
Have y'all lost
your damn minds?
232
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:39,312
Opening night is less
than two weeks away,
233
00:09:39,378 --> 00:09:40,313
and y'all wanna party?
234
00:09:40,379 --> 00:09:42,415
We're just having
some fun.
235
00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:45,952
Fun? Do I look
like Charlie Brown?
236
00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:47,219
BOY:
No.
237
00:09:47,286 --> 00:09:49,956
Do I look like Charlie Brown?
238
00:09:50,022 --> 00:09:52,892
You know what?
All y'all are fired!
239
00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,126
What?
Fired?
240
00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:56,595
Did I stutter?
Beat it!
241
00:09:56,662 --> 00:09:57,630
UBERWITZ:
Huey--
242
00:09:57,697 --> 00:09:59,865
But i-it...
It's the entire cast.
243
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,233
Are you sure
that's a good idea?
244
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,268
[CLEARS THROAT]
245
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:03,269
Contract.
246
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:05,438
I'm...sorry, guys.
247
00:10:05,504 --> 00:10:07,006
GIRL:
I can't believe it.
248
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:09,508
Hey, don't be
lookin' at me.
249
00:10:09,575 --> 00:10:11,110
Don't look
at Quincy Jones.
250
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,845
Quincy Jones
ain't gonna help you.
251
00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:15,014
Get your asses out. Now!
252
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:19,185
Is there any money in the budget
for a casting director?
253
00:10:19,251 --> 00:10:20,553
[♪♪♪]
254
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,694
That's right, Bob.
255
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:30,262
A little bit
of the Christmas spirit
256
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,864
is returning
to Woodcrest,
257
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:34,133
as Santa Claus makes
his first appearance
258
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,635
since being assaulted
by the unknown,
259
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:39,872
but probably Arab,
Santa Stalker, one week ago.
260
00:10:39,939 --> 00:10:42,208
And you're gonna
protect me, right?
261
00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:46,345
Now, don't you worry about
a thing, Mr. Santa Claus, sir.
262
00:10:46,412 --> 00:10:47,613
I got you covered.
263
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,548
RUCKUS:
Now, I know
I'm a very large man,
264
00:10:49,615 --> 00:10:52,485
but I'm a picture
of athleticism.
265
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:55,021
Well, hello there.
266
00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:58,524
And what would you like Santa
to bring you for Christmas?
267
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,526
I want a--
268
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:03,696
Uh, Santa, you got
a red dot on your head.
269
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:07,366
[♪♪♪]
270
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,537
Nooooooooo!
271
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:18,744
Ow! Goddamn!
272
00:11:18,811 --> 00:11:21,180
That had to pierce
a spleen or somethin'.
273
00:11:21,247 --> 00:11:23,315
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
MAN: God! Medic! Medic!
274
00:11:23,382 --> 00:11:25,017
Merry Christmas, nigga!
275
00:11:25,951 --> 00:11:26,886
[GASPS]
276
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:30,156
Aah! Santa, why?
277
00:11:30,222 --> 00:11:33,492
GIRL:
You ruined
my childhood!
278
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:34,527
[GRUNTS]
279
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:38,364
You gonna pay
what you owe, Santa!
280
00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,833
You gonna pay what you owe!
281
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,336
RILEY:
Running like a bitch.
282
00:11:44,403 --> 00:11:46,439
[PISTOL POPPING,
PEOPLE YELLING]
283
00:11:47,306 --> 00:11:48,774
[BELLS JINGLING]
284
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:54,113
[PANTING]
Backup. I need backup.
285
00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:57,016
I'm fat.
I can't run very fast.
286
00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:59,085
I think I'm having
a heart attack
287
00:11:59,151 --> 00:12:01,654
and a couple of light strokes.
288
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,060
Merry Christmas, nigga.
289
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:09,495
[CLICKING]
290
00:12:13,265 --> 00:12:14,900
Damn.
291
00:12:14,967 --> 00:12:17,369
[BEETHOVEN'S "FUR ELISE"
PLAYING]
292
00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:24,443
[MURMURING]
293
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:30,616
HUEY:
Okay, now...
294
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:32,918
for the role
of the third wise man,
295
00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:37,123
we have Mr. Fogelbury
or Denzel Washington.
296
00:12:37,189 --> 00:12:39,892
I say, Denzel.
297
00:12:39,959 --> 00:12:41,527
Yeah, me too.
298
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,028
Okay, and for the role of Mary,
299
00:12:43,095 --> 00:12:45,131
we have third-grade
science teacher,
300
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:48,434
Mrs. Peterson
or Angela Bassett.
301
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,704
Well, Mrs. Peterson gave
a serious read.
302
00:12:51,770 --> 00:12:53,372
Yeah, she sure did.
303
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,708
But I say,
Angela Bassett.
304
00:12:55,774 --> 00:12:56,909
Yeah, me too.
305
00:12:56,976 --> 00:12:59,612
Guys, how do we afford
306
00:12:59,678 --> 00:13:01,981
Denzel Washington
and Angela Bassett?
307
00:13:02,047 --> 00:13:03,482
I don't know.
308
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:05,751
Have we gotten word yet
on Will Smith's availability?
309
00:13:05,818 --> 00:13:09,622
W-whoa, whoa, whoa.
we can't afford Will Smith.
310
00:13:09,688 --> 00:13:11,223
Damn the budget!
311
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:14,126
What we're doing is
more important than money.
312
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:16,095
We will change Christmas
313
00:13:16,162 --> 00:13:19,265
and elementary-school theater
forever.
314
00:13:19,331 --> 00:13:20,900
But we don't have
the money.
315
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:23,002
[CLEARS THROAT]
316
00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:25,638
Contract.
317
00:13:25,704 --> 00:13:28,741
["HARK! THE HERALD ANGELS SING"
PLAYING]
318
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:12,384
JAZMINE:
Oh, Huey.
319
00:14:12,451 --> 00:14:14,286
You've got a lunch meeting
at 11:30
320
00:14:14,353 --> 00:14:16,622
about the sound effects
for the dogfight sequence.
321
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:17,823
Cancel it.
322
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,292
The PTA is threatening
a boycott of the play
323
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:21,560
since you fired
all the kids.
324
00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:22,595
[YAWNS]
325
00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:23,963
Don't care.
326
00:14:24,029 --> 00:14:26,065
And the principal's
in your office
327
00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:27,466
to talk about the script.
328
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,467
Who?
329
00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:29,902
First of all,
330
00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:32,304
I just wanted you to know
we're thrilled with the script.
331
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,939
Absolutely
fantastic.
332
00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:35,207
Brilliant.
333
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:36,408
Wouldn't change a thing.
334
00:14:36,475 --> 00:14:37,910
We just had a couple of notes.
335
00:14:37,977 --> 00:14:39,011
One or two.
336
00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:40,512
Nothing significant.
337
00:14:40,579 --> 00:14:42,915
PRINCIPAL:
Let's see, uh, there's a typo
338
00:14:42,982 --> 00:14:44,149
on page five.
339
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:46,652
Uh, there's a continuity problem
on page 32.
340
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,455
I think that scene's
supposed to be at night.
341
00:14:49,521 --> 00:14:51,824
Um, let's see, um--
Oh, yeah, um, and, uh--
342
00:14:51,890 --> 00:14:53,359
Jesus can't be black.
343
00:14:53,425 --> 00:14:55,661
What do you mean
he can't be black?
344
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:56,996
He can't be black.
345
00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,998
Maybe we can make Jesus
another color.
346
00:14:59,064 --> 00:14:59,999
How 'bout white?
347
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:01,934
But Jesus was black.
348
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:03,936
We could probably do Italian.
349
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:05,504
Jesus was Middle Eastern.
350
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:06,939
In addition to Arabs,
351
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:09,842
the Middle East has always had
many people of African descent,
352
00:15:09,908 --> 00:15:11,343
whom you would consider black.
353
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:12,678
Sorry, can't do it.
354
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,746
[CLEARS THROAT]
355
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,714
Oh, right. That.
356
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:21,954
[CHIMES JINGLING]
357
00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:25,391
Best of luck.
358
00:15:25,457 --> 00:15:26,659
Break a leg.
359
00:15:26,725 --> 00:15:29,395
I can't wait
for opening night.
360
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:32,564
[♪♪♪]
361
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:43,042
Riley?
Jazmine.
362
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,544
Riley, you came
to see Santa.
363
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:47,279
Shh!
364
00:15:47,346 --> 00:15:50,449
MAN [OVER PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen,
from the North Pole,
365
00:15:50,516 --> 00:15:54,720
the reeeeal Santa Claus!
366
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,255
[ALL CHEERING]
367
00:15:58,824 --> 00:16:00,459
[CHEERING STOPS]
368
00:16:00,526 --> 00:16:02,061
What the hell?
369
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:05,531
Hey, there,
pretty little white children.
370
00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:09,968
Now, look at all them precious
little vanilla-colored faces.
371
00:16:10,035 --> 00:16:12,471
I heard this was the only guy
they could find to do it.
372
00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:15,040
Now, I know y'all
think old Santa Claus
373
00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:16,942
look a little bit darker
than he used to.
374
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:18,310
Ho, ho!
375
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:20,312
But see, that's
just 'cause Santa Claus
376
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:22,715
got a little bit
of re-vitiligo.
377
00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:25,784
See, that's the opposite
of what Michael Jackson got.
378
00:16:25,851 --> 00:16:28,721
Don't worry,
no Jesus juice up here.
379
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:32,157
Come on, let's get
this show on the road.
380
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:33,992
That's not Santa!
381
00:16:34,059 --> 00:16:36,862
Okay, who's first?
382
00:16:38,864 --> 00:16:40,199
[ALL CLAMORING]
383
00:16:40,265 --> 00:16:43,736
That's not Santa.
It's an impostor!
384
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:45,471
Beware of the false Santa!
385
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:47,639
Kids, kids, calm down.
386
00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:50,709
Accompanying parents,
calm down as well.
387
00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:52,711
I am the real Santa Claus.
388
00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:55,681
Ho, ho, ho.
Look at my belly shake.
389
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:58,117
The heartbreaker re-vitiligo
390
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:02,187
is a very serious
life-threatening condition.
391
00:17:02,254 --> 00:17:04,223
["O CHRISTMAS TREE" PLAYING]
392
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:10,829
Hey, I've been in show business
a long time, Huey.
393
00:17:10,896 --> 00:17:12,998
This kind of thing comes
with the territory.
394
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:15,401
I know you'll do
the right thing.
395
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:24,343
UBERWITZ:
Huey, it could still be
a great play.
396
00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:27,012
We could cut a few scenes.
Make some changes to the script.
397
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,847
[SIGHS]
Huey.
398
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:31,350
We have
to put something on.
399
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:33,919
Do what you have to do.
400
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,455
Just take my name off of it.
401
00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:37,956
Won't be my vision.
402
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:44,430
Hello.
403
00:17:44,496 --> 00:17:47,199
Yeah. Yeah, it's resolved.
404
00:17:47,266 --> 00:17:50,035
We'll be ready to put
the play on tomorrow.
405
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,939
Why doesn't
the real Santa come?
406
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:57,376
'Cause there ain't
no real Santa.
407
00:18:01,079 --> 00:18:03,549
HUEY:
We all want to believe
in miracles on Christmas.
408
00:18:03,615 --> 00:18:04,983
[SOBBING]
409
00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:14,860
All of us.
410
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,330
[CHIMES JINGLING]
411
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:24,570
RUCKUS:
No Santa Claus?
412
00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:27,906
Well, I'd expect
a heathen nigglet like Riley
413
00:18:27,973 --> 00:18:29,641
to say something like that.
414
00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:32,811
But, Jazmine,
I'm surprised at you.
415
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:34,446
Being a mulatto and all,
416
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:36,982
you've supposed
to have more sense.
417
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:38,150
Huh?
418
00:18:38,217 --> 00:18:40,686
I'm Special Agent Ruckus.
419
00:18:40,752 --> 00:18:41,687
Shh!
420
00:18:41,753 --> 00:18:44,890
Volunteer Santa Security.
421
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,159
Santa has reason to believe
422
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:49,561
that your little
jungle friend Riley
423
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:52,264
may be the Santa Stalker.
424
00:18:52,331 --> 00:18:55,934
That makes perfect sense.
425
00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:58,637
Mm-hm. Santa couldn't
come this year.
426
00:18:58,704 --> 00:19:00,606
Just wasn't safe.
427
00:19:00,672 --> 00:19:02,508
Maybe next year.
428
00:19:02,574 --> 00:19:05,944
So...he's real?
429
00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:10,682
Real as the Irish blood
charging through my veins.
430
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,918
HUEY:
But Christmas miracles
only happen
431
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,053
in the lies
adults tell to children.
432
00:19:17,856 --> 00:19:20,926
And maybe
in Christmas specials.
433
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:24,463
Mr. Uberwitz put on
the play as scheduled.
434
00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:25,964
Not a single word was changed.
435
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,102
[ALL LAUGHING]
436
00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:34,039
[ALL SOBBING]
437
00:19:35,173 --> 00:19:37,776
[APPLAUSE]
438
00:19:40,646 --> 00:19:42,781
And so, by some miracle,
439
00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:45,050
the world saw
my vision that night.
440
00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:46,552
The Adventures of Black Jesus
441
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:49,154
received a 20-minute
standing ovation.
442
00:19:49,221 --> 00:19:51,990
It was called "a stunning
revolution in theatre"
443
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:53,892
by the Woodcrest Post Gazette.
444
00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:58,830
Unfortunately, the PTA protest
had gained some ground.
445
00:19:58,897 --> 00:20:01,166
Seems that people
didn't care about my vision.
446
00:20:01,233 --> 00:20:03,969
They cared about seeing
their kids on stage.
447
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,671
Who knew?
448
00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:07,172
JAZMINE:
Yay, Huey!
449
00:20:07,239 --> 00:20:09,675
Yay!
450
00:20:09,741 --> 00:20:11,343
[BOTH SNORING]
451
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:14,913
Mr. Uberwitz was fired
for disobeying orders
452
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:17,849
and for generally being
an irresponsible white person.
453
00:20:17,916 --> 00:20:19,918
UBERWITZ:
Harambee!
454
00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:20,919
ALL:
Harambee!
455
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:22,020
Harambee!
456
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:23,589
ALL:
Harambee!
457
00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:25,257
HUEY: █
He would later become
a professor
458
00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:28,660
of African American Studies
at the University of Maryland.
459
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:31,396
[APPLAUSE]
460
00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:34,232
No video exists of
the one-time-only performance
461
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,868
of The Adventures
of Black Jesus.
462
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:40,672
Just as well.
I hate looking at my old work.
463
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:43,041
["JOY TO THE WORLD" PLAYING]
464
00:20:46,511 --> 00:20:47,813
Ahhh!
465
00:20:49,414 --> 00:20:52,184
I heard you work for Santa.
466
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:53,919
I got a message for him.
467
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:56,288
Tell him Riley said,
468
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:59,291
I'll be waiting for his ass
next Christmas.
469
00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:01,927
And that nigga better pay
what he owe!
470
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:02,995
Ow!
471
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:06,565
[♪♪♪]
32267
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