Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
3
00:00:18,791 --> 00:00:28,125
(♪♪♪)
4
00:00:38,041 --> 00:00:41,583
What started out as a soy milk recall one week ago
5
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:44,416
has ballooned
into a full-scale outbreak
6
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,708
across the greater
Los Angeles area.
7
00:00:46,791 --> 00:00:50,625
The CDC has now confirmed
a link between the outbreak
8
00:00:50,708 --> 00:00:52,250
and a deadly contamination
9
00:00:52,333 --> 00:00:55,916
at the Agnes Brand Milk Factory
in San Bernardino.
10
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,458
This quiet,
upscale Hollywood neighborhood
11
00:00:58,541 --> 00:01:01,125
where soy milk flows like water has become
12
00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:03,458
the epicenter
of this unfortunate crisis.
13
00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:05,875
Since the outbreak,
several Angelenos have become
14
00:01:05,958 --> 00:01:07,875
infected with the Agnes virus,
15
00:01:07,958 --> 00:01:09,958
while others have
sought refuge indoors.
16
00:01:10,041 --> 00:01:12,625
Pardon me, sir.
Ted Sommers, Channel 11 News.
17
00:01:12,708 --> 00:01:14,791
How are you doing?
Are you okay?
18
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,708
Oh, shit. Channel 11 News.
19
00:01:16,791 --> 00:01:18,250
Love you guys. Love your work.
20
00:01:18,333 --> 00:01:19,500
Do you feel safe out here
21
00:01:19,583 --> 00:01:21,583
riding your bike
on these streets alone?
22
00:01:21,666 --> 00:01:22,333
No, Ted.
23
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,958
This is a fucking BMX bike,
so I'm not afraid.
24
00:01:25,041 --> 00:01:26,416
But I-- I gotta go check
on my boy,
25
00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:27,833
-so I'll catch you later.
-Wait, sir.
26
00:01:27,916 --> 00:01:30,291
Can I trouble you
for just a few more questions?
27
00:01:30,375 --> 00:01:31,958
I really gotta check
on my boy, Ted.
28
00:01:32,041 --> 00:01:34,500
Understood. Be safe.
29
00:01:34,583 --> 00:01:36,583
This is Ted Sommers
in the Hollywood Hills.
30
00:01:36,666 --> 00:01:41,041
-Back to you, Sissy.
-(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
31
00:01:42,708 --> 00:01:43,916
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
32
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:45,250
BRUCE:
James!
33
00:01:45,333 --> 00:01:46,541
Open up!
34
00:01:48,291 --> 00:01:50,791
-It's Bruce!
-(KNOCKS DOOR)
35
00:01:50,875 --> 00:01:58,458
(♪♪♪)
36
00:01:58,541 --> 00:02:03,125
♪ At first I was afraid,
I was petrified ♪
37
00:02:03,208 --> 00:02:08,125
♪ I kept thinking I could never
live without you by my side ♪
38
00:02:08,208 --> 00:02:12,166
♪ But then I spent so many
nights just thinking how ♪
39
00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,500
♪ You'd done me wrong ♪
40
00:02:13,583 --> 00:02:16,208
♪ I grew strong ♪
41
00:02:16,291 --> 00:02:18,916
♪ I learned how to get along ♪
42
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:23,458
♪ And so you're back
from outer space ♪
43
00:02:23,541 --> 00:02:27,041
♪ I just walked in
to find you here without that ♪
44
00:02:27,125 --> 00:02:28,750
♪ Look upon your face ♪
45
00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:31,250
♪ I should have changed
my fucking lock ♪
46
00:02:31,333 --> 00:02:33,875
♪ I would have made you
leave your key
47
00:02:33,958 --> 00:02:36,750
♪ If I'd have known
for just one second ♪
48
00:02:36,833 --> 00:02:39,500
♪ You'd be back to bother me ♪
49
00:02:39,583 --> 00:02:44,041
♪ Oh, now go walk out the door ♪
50
00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:46,208
♪ Just turn around ♪
51
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:50,250
♪ Now you're not
welcome anymore ♪
52
00:02:50,333 --> 00:02:54,041
♪ Weren't you the one who tried
to break me with desire? ♪
53
00:02:54,125 --> 00:02:56,458
♪ Did you think I'd crumble? ♪
54
00:02:56,541 --> 00:02:59,291
♪ Did you think I'd lay down
and die? ♪
55
00:02:59,375 --> 00:03:01,458
♪ Oh, not I ♪
56
00:03:01,541 --> 00:03:03,916
♪ I will survive ♪
57
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:09,208
♪ Yeah, as long as I know how
to love, I know I'll be alive ♪
58
00:03:09,291 --> 00:03:11,708
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
59
00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:14,333
♪ I've got all my love to give ♪
60
00:03:14,416 --> 00:03:16,416
♪ I will survive ♪
61
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:18,708
♪ I will survive ♪
62
00:03:18,791 --> 00:03:20,375
♪ Hey, hey ♪
63
00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:24,750
BEVERLY:
Hey.
64
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,416
You need to check on your homie.
65
00:03:30,625 --> 00:03:31,791
Hey, Miss Jones.
66
00:03:31,875 --> 00:03:34,666
I think it's something with--
with Emily. I--
67
00:03:34,750 --> 00:03:36,416
Yeah, I don't know, Miss Jones.
68
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,125
Why don't you just call me
"Beverly"?
69
00:03:38,208 --> 00:03:39,375
Okay, Beverly.
70
00:03:39,458 --> 00:03:41,666
You know, you should probably get out of town with everything.
71
00:03:41,750 --> 00:03:42,375
What, what?
72
00:03:42,458 --> 00:03:44,125
I said you should probably get
out of town with everything
73
00:03:44,208 --> 00:03:46,166
that's going on, you know,
while you still can.
74
00:03:46,250 --> 00:03:47,041
Are you kidding me?
75
00:03:47,125 --> 00:03:49,541
Shoot, I've got that cable TV man coming today.
76
00:03:49,625 --> 00:03:51,916
Well, I-- I guess
you could just like,
77
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,250
I don't know, reschedule?
78
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:54,708
BEVERLY:
No, fuck no.
79
00:03:54,791 --> 00:03:56,625
That flip-flop-wearing
motherfucker,
80
00:03:56,708 --> 00:03:58,708
he kept me on hold
for three and a half hours.
81
00:03:58,791 --> 00:04:00,250
And then you know what he did
when he came back?
82
00:04:00,333 --> 00:04:02,333
-No, what'd he do?
-He hung up on me.
83
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:04,958
-Oh, I hate that.
-Uh-huh, yeah.
84
00:04:05,041 --> 00:04:07,833
No, I ain't, I-- I am not
canceling that appointment.
85
00:04:07,916 --> 00:04:10,291
No, I guess I wouldn't either.
86
00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,083
You need to talk to your boy,
okay?
87
00:04:12,166 --> 00:04:15,375
I think there's something
really, really wrong with him.
88
00:04:15,458 --> 00:04:16,375
Beverly, thank you.
89
00:04:16,458 --> 00:04:17,500
-BEVERLY: Yeah.
-I will.
90
00:04:17,583 --> 00:04:19,125
You can call me "Bevy".
91
00:04:19,208 --> 00:04:21,541
-Oh, Bevy.
-BEVERLY: Bevy.
92
00:04:21,625 --> 00:04:22,833
-All right, bye-bye.
-BEVERLY: Okay, all right.
93
00:04:22,916 --> 00:04:26,125
-(SIREN WAILING IN BACKGROUND)
-(KNOCKS DOOR)
94
00:04:26,208 --> 00:04:30,541
♪ You thought you'd just drop by
and you expect me to be free ♪
95
00:04:30,625 --> 00:04:33,375
♪ But now I'm saving
all my loving ♪
96
00:04:33,458 --> 00:04:36,125
♪ For someone who's loving me ♪
97
00:04:36,208 --> 00:04:38,333
♪ Oh, now go ♪
98
00:04:40,541 --> 00:04:42,750
-Hey.
-Dude, what the hell?
99
00:04:42,833 --> 00:04:44,166
I've been trying to get a hold of you for days.
100
00:04:44,250 --> 00:04:46,000
Sorry, I've been trying
to finish this new book
101
00:04:46,083 --> 00:04:48,208
for my publisher, and I've got like writer's block.
102
00:04:48,291 --> 00:04:49,541
It's been a whole thing.
103
00:04:49,625 --> 00:04:50,875
Bullshit.
104
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,875
I know what this is.
105
00:04:52,958 --> 00:04:54,875
You're still depressed
about Emily, aren't you?
106
00:04:56,166 --> 00:04:58,000
Yep, I fucking knew it.
107
00:04:58,083 --> 00:04:59,375
Come on, man.
108
00:04:59,458 --> 00:05:02,458
What's it been like six months
since you guys got divorced?
109
00:05:02,541 --> 00:05:03,625
Five months and three days.
110
00:05:03,708 --> 00:05:05,916
And we just broke up.
We didn't get divorced.
111
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,375
Whatever, okay?
112
00:05:07,458 --> 00:05:08,625
We have bigger issues
to worry about,
113
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,375
like the fucking world ending.
114
00:05:11,458 --> 00:05:13,125
-What are you talking about?
-What?
115
00:05:13,208 --> 00:05:14,500
You're joking right now.
116
00:05:14,583 --> 00:05:15,958
No.
117
00:05:16,041 --> 00:05:18,208
You don't know about
the virus in L.A.
118
00:05:18,291 --> 00:05:19,875
that's mutating people's DNA?
119
00:05:19,958 --> 00:05:21,833
A virus?
120
00:05:21,916 --> 00:05:23,125
How is it mutating DNA?
121
00:05:23,208 --> 00:05:24,958
What do I look like,
a fucking scientist?
122
00:05:25,041 --> 00:05:26,833
All I know
is people all across L.A.
123
00:05:26,916 --> 00:05:29,208
are turning into zombies after
drinking this soy milk,
124
00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:32,541
like straight-up
flesh-eating zombies.
125
00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:33,791
You're serious right now?
126
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,041
Dead serious.
127
00:05:35,125 --> 00:05:36,500
Some symptoms, I'm told,
128
00:05:36,583 --> 00:05:40,791
include headache, diarrhea,
runny nose, vomiting.
129
00:05:40,875 --> 00:05:42,958
And it's happening,
because of soy milk.
130
00:05:43,041 --> 00:05:44,791
Well, not just any soy milk.
131
00:05:44,875 --> 00:05:47,375
Agnes Brand Soy Milk,
which was my favorite,
132
00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:49,000
so now I have like a whole new
133
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:50,250
set of problems for me personally.
134
00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:52,666
Like I tried putting regular
milk on my cereal,
135
00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:54,750
and I started shitting
my fucking brains out.
136
00:05:54,833 --> 00:05:56,125
Apparently,
I'm lactose intolerant.
137
00:05:56,208 --> 00:05:57,583
Who knew?
138
00:05:57,666 --> 00:05:59,791
Okay, yes, very good.
You had me going.
139
00:05:59,875 --> 00:06:01,875
That was, uh,
that was well done.
140
00:06:01,958 --> 00:06:04,041
Very, very imaginative.
Very funny.
141
00:06:04,125 --> 00:06:05,708
What are you laughing at?
142
00:06:05,791 --> 00:06:07,000
You went too far with that
143
00:06:07,083 --> 00:06:08,791
I'm lactose intolerant
now thing.
144
00:06:08,875 --> 00:06:10,833
-Still, very funny. No notes.
-(CLAMORING IN DISTANCE)
145
00:06:10,916 --> 00:06:13,458
James, this is not a fucking joke.
146
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:14,791
Look.
147
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,833
Oh, oh, oh, dear mother of God.
148
00:06:16,916 --> 00:06:19,875
Um, okay, we are witnessing
an attack here.
149
00:06:19,958 --> 00:06:21,125
Are you getting this, Rick?
150
00:06:21,208 --> 00:06:24,750
Um, it appears that a jogger
is being attacked by a gardener,
151
00:06:24,833 --> 00:06:26,291
I think. Um...
152
00:06:26,375 --> 00:06:29,750
-That guy is being eaten.
-(GROWLING, SCREAMING)
153
00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:32,166
And it looks like they might be heading our way,
154
00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:34,625
so we're going to sign off here.
155
00:06:34,708 --> 00:06:35,750
Get me, get me, get me.
156
00:06:35,833 --> 00:06:38,041
Ted Sommers signing off
from the Hollywood Hills.
157
00:06:39,666 --> 00:06:40,833
-Oh, fuck.
-(ENGINE STARTS)
158
00:06:40,958 --> 00:06:45,416
(GROWLING, SCREAMING)
159
00:06:53,125 --> 00:06:55,666
Ain't your normal Tuesday,
is it?
160
00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:59,666
Uh-huh.
161
00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:00,875
Okay.
162
00:07:00,958 --> 00:07:02,708
(SCREAMING)
163
00:07:02,791 --> 00:07:06,333
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
164
00:07:06,416 --> 00:07:09,541
REPORTER 1:
What's now being described
as the Agnes virus
165
00:07:09,625 --> 00:07:12,500
has deeply impacted
Los Angeles residents.
166
00:07:12,583 --> 00:07:14,083
In response to the allegations,
167
00:07:14,166 --> 00:07:17,875
the Agnes Milk Company has
recalled 5,000 quarts
168
00:07:17,958 --> 00:07:19,833
of their well-known beverage.
169
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,708
Dude, you mean to tell me the
170
00:07:23,791 --> 00:07:25,208
entire time you've been
holed up here,
171
00:07:25,291 --> 00:07:27,333
you haven't once
turned on the news?
172
00:07:27,416 --> 00:07:28,541
The news?
173
00:07:28,625 --> 00:07:30,416
Yes, James, the news.
174
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:33,708
It's something you watch
on TV that isn't Star Wars
175
00:07:33,791 --> 00:07:34,750
or Blade Runner.
176
00:07:34,833 --> 00:07:36,125
Right, right, okay,
thank you, Bruce.
177
00:07:36,208 --> 00:07:38,000
-I know what the news is.
-That's great.
178
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:39,958
Congratulations.
I'm very happy for you.
179
00:07:40,041 --> 00:07:41,541
So what the fuck
have you been doing?
180
00:07:42,833 --> 00:07:45,625
Honestly, I've just been keeping
super, super busy.
181
00:07:45,708 --> 00:07:47,083
Busy doing what?
182
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:50,000
Watching Star Wars
and Blade Runner.
183
00:07:51,125 --> 00:07:52,541
-And also THX.
-Right.
184
00:07:52,625 --> 00:07:53,541
JAMES:
And The Postman.
185
00:07:53,625 --> 00:07:55,500
In fact, I was actually just
about to put Waterworld on,
186
00:07:55,583 --> 00:07:56,750
if you want to watch that.
187
00:07:56,833 --> 00:07:59,708
James, we do not have time
to watch Waterworld right now.
188
00:07:59,791 --> 00:08:01,208
We need to get the hell
out of here.
189
00:08:01,291 --> 00:08:03,958
Away from the zombies
to a place with clean milk.
190
00:08:04,041 --> 00:08:07,541
And I hear that Seattle has
great milk alternatives,
191
00:08:07,625 --> 00:08:10,250
like carob milk and hemp milk.
192
00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:12,166
Hemp milk?
How-- how does that even work?
193
00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:12,708
How do you make that?
194
00:08:12,791 --> 00:08:14,458
I don't know,
but it sounds fucking bomb.
195
00:08:14,541 --> 00:08:15,791
Here, drink this.
196
00:08:15,875 --> 00:08:17,458
Uh, what is it?
197
00:08:17,541 --> 00:08:19,958
That, my friend,
is a prairie oyster.
198
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,250
James Bond drinks them.
It'll cure your hangover.
199
00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:23,291
What's in this?
200
00:08:23,375 --> 00:08:24,791
BRUCE:
Just drink it, okay? Will you?
201
00:08:24,875 --> 00:08:26,125
Please, we have
to get the hell out of here.
202
00:08:26,208 --> 00:08:28,916
If we don't leave soon,
we may never make it out of L.A.
203
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,416
I'm just not so sure I want
to make it out of L.A.
204
00:08:31,500 --> 00:08:32,916
Like I-- I'm really behind
on my novel
205
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,000
and I feel like I'd rather just
stay here and work on it.
206
00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:38,041
James, you're not gonna
finish your book if you're dead.
207
00:08:38,125 --> 00:08:39,125
Don't be stupid.
208
00:08:39,208 --> 00:08:40,833
Besides, you're never gonna
write anything as good
209
00:08:40,916 --> 00:08:43,500
as that one you did about
trains and...
210
00:08:43,583 --> 00:08:45,000
-Trains in Space.
-Yes, that one.
211
00:08:45,083 --> 00:08:48,000
That was good. That was so good, I almost finished it.
212
00:08:48,083 --> 00:08:50,125
Oh my God.
High praise, Bruce.
213
00:08:50,208 --> 00:08:51,791
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
214
00:08:51,875 --> 00:08:53,041
Bottoms up.
215
00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:54,625
Attaboy.
216
00:08:57,083 --> 00:09:00,250
-Oh shit, dude.
-What?
217
00:09:00,333 --> 00:09:03,125
You have a bottled
Agnes Soy Milk in here.
218
00:09:03,208 --> 00:09:05,416
Okay. Oh, that's the bad one.
219
00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,125
Yes, that's the bad one.
220
00:09:07,208 --> 00:09:09,041
-JAMES: Whoa.
-I'm not touching that thing.
221
00:09:09,125 --> 00:09:11,125
JAMES:
Yeah, I mean, just leave it.
222
00:09:11,208 --> 00:09:14,791
(SIGHS) Well, I guess
we are sort of leaving.
223
00:09:19,750 --> 00:09:21,750
JAMES:
Okay, so quick Waterworld,
then we'll get out of here?
224
00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:23,208
No, dude, we got to go.
225
00:09:23,291 --> 00:09:24,375
Come on.
226
00:09:27,416 --> 00:09:28,625
JAMES:
She hasn't called.
227
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,041
BRUCE:
Because it's over.
228
00:09:31,125 --> 00:09:32,708
Forget her. She's history.
229
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:36,291
Here.
230
00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:37,541
Put these on.
231
00:09:38,875 --> 00:09:40,125
I just feel like
I should call her, right?
232
00:09:40,208 --> 00:09:41,541
Like just make sure
everything's okay.
233
00:09:41,625 --> 00:09:42,958
I-- I feel like I should.
234
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:45,125
No, dude. No.
I totally disagree.
235
00:09:45,208 --> 00:09:47,458
Okay, Emily is a smart girl. She'll be fine.
236
00:09:47,541 --> 00:09:50,125
And-- and even if she isn't,
who cares?
237
00:09:50,208 --> 00:09:51,500
Move on.
238
00:09:51,583 --> 00:09:54,291
Zei gezunt, as
my Uncle Bernie would say.
239
00:09:54,375 --> 00:09:55,833
Seattle has everything.
240
00:09:55,916 --> 00:09:58,458
You will find a new Emily
in Seattle, I promise.
241
00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:00,666
Yeah, I'm just gonna call her. I'm just gonna
242
00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:03,583
-make a quick call.
-No, dude. Do not call her.
243
00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:06,000
Come on, man. I'm trying
to save your life right now,
244
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:08,625
and you're literally fucking
killing me here.
245
00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:14,125
What is that?
246
00:10:14,208 --> 00:10:16,791
No, this-- this is just a box.
247
00:10:16,875 --> 00:10:18,625
It doesn't look like just a box.
248
00:10:18,708 --> 00:10:20,750
-It's my Emily memory box.
-You're what?
249
00:10:20,833 --> 00:10:22,583
It's an Emily memory box.
It's not weird.
250
00:10:22,666 --> 00:10:25,750
-Oh, dude. That's disgusting.
-No, no, no.
251
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:27,875
We need to throw that out now.
252
00:10:27,958 --> 00:10:28,541
-No.
-Yes.
253
00:10:28,625 --> 00:10:29,416
We do not need
to throw it out.
254
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:31,791
This is essential stuff.
I can't just part with this.
255
00:10:31,875 --> 00:10:33,541
Essential?
Is that what I think it is?
256
00:10:33,625 --> 00:10:35,666
Is that a Seal CD?
257
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:38,500
Yes.
258
00:10:38,583 --> 00:10:42,041
Wow. I guess I never took Emily as a Seal fan.
259
00:10:42,125 --> 00:10:43,791
You know, you really shouldn't
make assumptions.
260
00:10:43,875 --> 00:10:45,375
-Hmm.
-What if it's my Seal CD?
261
00:10:45,458 --> 00:10:46,958
-Oh, that's your Seal CD. Right.
-Yeah, yeah, it is.
262
00:10:47,041 --> 00:10:48,583
I guess I didn't think
about that.
263
00:10:48,666 --> 00:10:50,250
Name one Seal song, dude.
264
00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:51,208
-Fine. That's like--
-One.
265
00:10:51,291 --> 00:10:53,625
-No, that's easy.
-Fine. Cool. Do it.
266
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,583
The Batman Forever theme.
267
00:10:57,666 --> 00:10:59,000
-Fuck. That is one.
-That counts.
268
00:10:59,083 --> 00:11:00,833
-You gotta count that.
-You got it, you said it.
269
00:11:00,916 --> 00:11:03,000
So, I guess end of conversation.
270
00:11:04,166 --> 00:11:05,125
Don't even-- Don't you dare!
271
00:11:05,208 --> 00:11:06,416
-No. No, don't do that.
-Give me that.
272
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,666
-Yes.
-No, dude.
273
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,833
We are burning this thing
right now.
274
00:11:09,916 --> 00:11:11,250
-We are not burning that.
-Yes, we are.
275
00:11:11,333 --> 00:11:12,333
-No, we are not.
-We are burning it.
276
00:11:12,416 --> 00:11:14,000
Yes, because you need to move on with your life.
277
00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:15,333
No, I'm not gonna burn this.
278
00:11:15,416 --> 00:11:17,250
No. No.
279
00:11:17,333 --> 00:11:18,708
Okay. Okay.
280
00:11:18,791 --> 00:11:21,500
Alright.
Won't burn it. We'll bury it.
281
00:11:21,583 --> 00:11:27,375
It'll be the worst time capsule
in history of humankind.
282
00:11:27,458 --> 00:11:29,375
You're right. Okay.
283
00:11:29,458 --> 00:11:30,708
I'll get rid of it.
284
00:11:31,708 --> 00:11:34,958
I just, I have to do it
on my own. Okay?
285
00:11:35,041 --> 00:11:36,750
But I'll do it. I promise.
286
00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,083
Pinky swear?
287
00:11:38,166 --> 00:11:39,291
Pinky swear.
288
00:11:44,958 --> 00:11:45,333
BRUCE:
Alright, dude.
289
00:11:45,416 --> 00:11:47,083
We gotta get the fuck out
of here or we're gonna die.
290
00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:50,416
So, let's uh, pack our shit.
291
00:11:51,708 --> 00:11:53,791
Let's go. First thing I'm doing is getting you
292
00:11:53,875 --> 00:11:55,083
a Seattle flannel.
293
00:11:55,166 --> 00:11:56,750
-JAMES: Nice.
-You ready for this?
294
00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:58,083
-Oh, yeah.
-Let's do it, man.
295
00:11:58,166 --> 00:11:59,583
Ooh, wait.
296
00:12:00,666 --> 00:12:02,541
What now, man?
297
00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:03,875
Who's gonna take care
of Charles?
298
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:06,958
(SIGHS) Let's do it, man.
299
00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:09,958
but your goldfish might not
survive the zombie apocalypse.
300
00:12:10,041 --> 00:12:12,958
Emily won him for me
at the Malibu Chili Cook-Off.
301
00:12:13,041 --> 00:12:14,541
Right. Right. That's cool.
302
00:12:14,583 --> 00:12:17,041
But still, we're not bringing
a goldfish with us.
303
00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:18,833
It'll get everything wet.
304
00:12:18,916 --> 00:12:20,083
There'll be water everywhere.
305
00:12:20,166 --> 00:12:22,750
Oh. No, dude.
You-- you don't get it.
306
00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:25,916
It's not just about Charles. It's this whole place.
307
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,583
(SIGHS) I mean, this house, man.
308
00:12:27,666 --> 00:12:30,625
Like I've made
so many great memories here.
309
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,958
I've had all my greatest successes and failures here.
310
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,458
What, I'm just gonna leave it
all behind?
311
00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:40,500
Yeah. Otherwise,
you're gonna die in it.
312
00:12:40,583 --> 00:12:42,833
-So...
-Yeah, well,
313
00:12:42,916 --> 00:12:44,166
maybe that wouldn't be
the worst thing.
314
00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:45,833
Jesus Christ, James.
315
00:12:45,916 --> 00:12:47,541
Listen to yourself.
316
00:12:47,625 --> 00:12:48,791
All right?
317
00:12:48,875 --> 00:12:52,291
I rode all the way here on
my BMX bike, because--
318
00:12:52,375 --> 00:12:53,583
You don't have a car.
319
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:58,250
Yes, but also because
you're my best friend.
320
00:12:58,333 --> 00:13:02,416
And you're not really acting
like my best friend right now.
321
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:04,375
So you're acting
kind of selfish,
322
00:13:04,458 --> 00:13:08,583
and crazy, and kind of dumb.
323
00:13:08,666 --> 00:13:10,500
So will you
pull it together, man?
324
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:14,041
You're right. I'm sorry.
325
00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:16,000
I'm being--
I'm being a bad friend.
326
00:13:16,083 --> 00:13:17,833
-Yeah. A little bit.
-Should we like,
327
00:13:17,916 --> 00:13:20,208
I don't know,
hug or something?
328
00:13:22,166 --> 00:13:23,416
Yeah, I guess. If you want.
329
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:30,583
(♪♪♪)
330
00:13:30,666 --> 00:13:32,166
-All right.
-Yeah. No, that was weird.
331
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:34,041
-Didn't feel natural.
-Didn't feel right.
332
00:13:34,125 --> 00:13:36,208
All right.
Yeah, let's uh-- let's go.
333
00:13:36,291 --> 00:13:37,583
Yeah, let's do it.
All right. Cool.
334
00:13:37,666 --> 00:13:38,916
Okay.
335
00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:43,000
Hey. See you, buddy.
336
00:13:44,625 --> 00:13:45,750
You're a good fish.
337
00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:49,583
Goodbye, old friend.
338
00:13:49,666 --> 00:13:58,541
(♪♪♪)
339
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,125
BRUCE:
Oh my God, dude.
340
00:14:03,208 --> 00:14:05,541
Car fucking stinks.
341
00:14:05,625 --> 00:14:07,291
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
342
00:14:07,375 --> 00:14:09,000
All right. Seatbelts on.
343
00:14:09,083 --> 00:14:11,041
BRUCE:
Dude, I cannot wait
to hit the open road.
344
00:14:11,125 --> 00:14:14,666
Going fricking 90 miles an hour, no seatbelts on.
345
00:14:14,750 --> 00:14:16,208
That's the downside
of a BMX bike.
346
00:14:16,291 --> 00:14:19,000
You only go like, 30, 35 tops.
347
00:14:19,083 --> 00:14:20,708
You're going 35 on a BMX?
348
00:14:20,791 --> 00:14:22,375
Oh, hell yeah, dude.
349
00:14:22,458 --> 00:14:25,375
Fuck, Eldridge Street,
Highland Park.
350
00:14:25,458 --> 00:14:26,958
Well, wouldn't that be like
really embarrassing
351
00:14:27,041 --> 00:14:28,500
if that's how I died,
during this whole thing,
352
00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:29,833
-on my bike?
-Yeah, I mean,
353
00:14:29,916 --> 00:14:31,750
you really should be more
careful on that thing.
354
00:14:31,833 --> 00:14:33,666
BRUCE:
Are you serious? What are you--
what are you, my mother?
355
00:14:33,750 --> 00:14:35,791
Well, need I remind you about
Johnny Willis?
356
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:36,833
Oh my God.
357
00:14:36,916 --> 00:14:38,541
You're really going
to bring up that fucking loser
358
00:14:38,625 --> 00:14:40,291
-right now?
-Yes, I am bringing him up,
359
00:14:40,375 --> 00:14:43,041
because when Johnny rode away
from school that one day,
360
00:14:43,125 --> 00:14:44,750
he had no idea what was gonna
happen to him.
361
00:14:44,833 --> 00:14:46,250
And what happened to him, Bruce?
362
00:14:46,333 --> 00:14:48,375
(SIGHS) Lost his nuts.
363
00:14:48,458 --> 00:14:50,375
-JAMES: He what?
-He lost his nuts.
364
00:14:50,458 --> 00:14:53,708
He lost his nuts.
And how did he lose his nuts?
365
00:14:53,791 --> 00:14:54,791
Can you--
can you just fucking drive?
366
00:14:54,875 --> 00:14:57,291
JAMES:
No, I'm not gonna go.
I need to hear you say it.
367
00:14:57,375 --> 00:14:59,041
He flipped over
the side of his bike
368
00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:00,375
and got his nuts caught
in the chain.
369
00:15:00,458 --> 00:15:01,583
-Are you happy?
-That's right.
370
00:15:01,666 --> 00:15:03,500
And you want
to be like Johnny Willis?
371
00:15:03,583 --> 00:15:04,875
Yeah, I want to end up
like Johnny Willis.
372
00:15:04,958 --> 00:15:06,125
Really?
You want to have no nuts?
373
00:15:06,208 --> 00:15:07,625
You want to have Styrofoam nuts?
374
00:15:07,708 --> 00:15:10,208
Okay, no, I guess not.
Can you just fucking drive?
375
00:15:10,291 --> 00:15:11,541
JAMES:
Okay, all right, all right,
great.
376
00:15:11,625 --> 00:15:12,500
I needed to hear you say it.
377
00:15:12,583 --> 00:15:14,208
-Thank you.
-Good. You're happy? Drive.
378
00:15:14,291 --> 00:15:15,750
(JAMES SIGHS)
379
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,833
-Huh, that's weird.
-What? What's going on now?
380
00:15:18,916 --> 00:15:20,250
It says I'm empty.
381
00:15:22,916 --> 00:15:25,958
There's a hose coming out of
my gas tank.
382
00:15:26,041 --> 00:15:28,416
What? Oh, fuck!
383
00:15:28,500 --> 00:15:30,916
Someone probably
siphoned the gas.
384
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:31,875
Why would someone do that?
385
00:15:31,958 --> 00:15:34,041
'Cause gas is like $2 a gallon right now,
386
00:15:34,125 --> 00:15:35,250
and everybody
and their mother's trying
387
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:36,375
to get out of town.
388
00:15:37,583 --> 00:15:39,083
All right, well, dang.
389
00:15:39,166 --> 00:15:40,708
I guess we have
to stay here after all.
390
00:15:40,791 --> 00:15:42,958
No, no, we--
we just got to think
391
00:15:43,083 --> 00:15:44,000
of a better option.
392
00:15:44,083 --> 00:15:45,666
There's--
there's got to be something.
393
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:47,583
Okay, I got-- I got an idea.
394
00:15:47,666 --> 00:15:48,833
Here's what we're gonna do.
395
00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:50,333
We ride my bike
to the nearest station.
396
00:15:50,416 --> 00:15:52,083
You could sit on the handlebars.
397
00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:53,375
Want me to sit
on your handlebars?
398
00:15:53,458 --> 00:15:54,583
-BRUCE: Yes.
-What, 10 years old?
399
00:15:54,666 --> 00:15:55,666
No, I'm not doing that.
400
00:15:55,750 --> 00:15:58,041
Dude, you're gonna really
make me ride by myself?
401
00:15:58,125 --> 00:15:59,541
JAMES:
Yeah.
You were fine coming here.
402
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:00,916
You'll be fine going there.
403
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:03,958
Holy shit!
404
00:16:06,083 --> 00:16:07,083
You sure about that?
405
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,583
Okay, maybe you won't be fine.
406
00:16:08,666 --> 00:16:10,541
Uh, is that guy blind?
407
00:16:10,625 --> 00:16:12,333
He is.
I mean, he can't even see us.
408
00:16:12,416 --> 00:16:14,375
I mean, it's a seeing-eye dog. Isn't that their whole job?
409
00:16:14,458 --> 00:16:15,833
Yeah, but the dog's
not a zombie.
410
00:16:15,916 --> 00:16:17,125
I don't know how scared
we should be.
411
00:16:17,208 --> 00:16:19,041
Okay, change of plans.
I think you're right.
412
00:16:19,125 --> 00:16:20,791
-We should go back inside.
-Yeah, okay.
413
00:16:20,875 --> 00:16:22,208
On the count of three. One...
414
00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:24,541
-Why do we count, just run.
-Yep, yep, yep.
415
00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:26,333
(SCREAMS)
416
00:16:28,666 --> 00:16:30,666
BRUCE:
Go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
417
00:16:35,875 --> 00:16:38,458
JAMES:
Oh my God, dude. I've not moved that fast in so long.
418
00:16:38,541 --> 00:16:41,041
I know.
I'm burning up right now.
419
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,333
I'm so out of shape, dude.
420
00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:45,458
God, do-- do you think
that's gonna hold?
421
00:16:45,541 --> 00:16:47,541
-Honestly?
-JAMES: Yeah.
422
00:16:47,625 --> 00:16:48,791
I have no idea.
423
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,166
No, I don't know either.
424
00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:51,666
I'm just totally out of
my depth right now.
425
00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:52,666
I have no idea.
426
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:55,708
Completely flying by the seat
of my fucking pants right now.
427
00:16:55,791 --> 00:16:58,666
If Dawn of the Dead
or Night of the Living Dead
428
00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:01,791
or any of the deads
have taught me anything,
429
00:17:01,875 --> 00:17:03,166
it's that if you want
to stay alive,
430
00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:04,458
you have to stay put.
431
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,041
Now that Seattle's out
of the question,
432
00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:08,333
I think you're right.
433
00:17:08,416 --> 00:17:09,750
Damn it!
434
00:17:09,833 --> 00:17:11,416
Maybe they come up with a cure?
435
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,791
Yeah, maybe. Or...
436
00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:18,250
maybe they just hit the big
red button on us.
437
00:17:18,333 --> 00:17:19,375
JAMES:
No.
438
00:17:19,458 --> 00:17:20,666
Yeah.
439
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:22,375
You think they'd really do that?
440
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:23,625
That's what I would do.
441
00:17:24,791 --> 00:17:26,291
It's dark.
442
00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:27,625
I'm really dark, dude.
443
00:17:28,958 --> 00:17:30,166
So...
444
00:17:32,083 --> 00:17:33,958
-Waterworld?
-Waterworld?
445
00:17:34,041 --> 00:17:35,750
-It's only right.
-Wow.
446
00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:37,625
Okay, but I say we gotta--
let's rest for...
447
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:39,041
-Like an hour?
-About an hour.
448
00:17:39,125 --> 00:17:41,416
Yep. (GRUNTS)
449
00:17:41,500 --> 00:17:44,583
Bro, with all that gelt
you made on your last book deal,
450
00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:46,791
couldn't you have gotten like
a newer TV?
451
00:17:46,875 --> 00:17:49,583
I-- I could have,
but I hate change, so...
452
00:18:00,083 --> 00:18:01,541
Oh!
453
00:18:01,625 --> 00:18:02,625
Yes!
454
00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:04,916
Well, dude!
455
00:18:06,166 --> 00:18:08,291
Oh! Oh! Mm!
456
00:18:09,791 --> 00:18:10,833
-Boom!
-Oh.
457
00:18:10,916 --> 00:18:12,333
Brownie!
458
00:18:12,416 --> 00:18:13,916
JAMES:
Wow, that is--
459
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,125
That's a lot of brownies.
460
00:18:16,291 --> 00:18:20,083
One, you can never have
enough pot brownies.
461
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:21,250
And two,
462
00:18:22,916 --> 00:18:24,625
you can never have enough
pot brownies.
463
00:18:24,708 --> 00:18:25,833
Ah, yeah.
464
00:18:27,041 --> 00:18:29,125
BRUCE:
Who knew how essential
home video would be
465
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:30,500
in a time like this?
466
00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:31,583
I did.
467
00:18:32,666 --> 00:18:35,000
Wait, wait, pause it. Pause it.
468
00:18:35,083 --> 00:18:36,208
What? What?
469
00:18:36,291 --> 00:18:39,875
The run time is two hours
and 15 minutes.
470
00:18:39,958 --> 00:18:42,500
-Mm-hmm, yeah, it's perfect.
-Could be longer.
471
00:18:42,583 --> 00:18:44,416
Yeah, I can stand it
to be a little longer.
472
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:45,916
-Me too.
-How much longer?
473
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,416
Maybe, like...
474
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:50,041
-Nine hours?
-That would be cool.
475
00:18:50,125 --> 00:18:51,125
Yeah, that's what
I was thinking, too.
476
00:18:51,208 --> 00:18:56,041
But these chips aren't gonna
last us half this movie.
477
00:18:56,125 --> 00:18:57,500
Okay, so what are you saying?
478
00:18:57,583 --> 00:19:01,500
(♪♪♪)
479
00:19:01,583 --> 00:19:02,708
Delivery.
480
00:19:02,791 --> 00:19:04,083
What?
481
00:19:04,166 --> 00:19:05,625
No restaurants are gonna be
open right now,
482
00:19:05,708 --> 00:19:08,500
and even if one of them was,
no-- no one's gonna deliver.
483
00:19:08,583 --> 00:19:10,833
Dude, in this economy,
484
00:19:10,916 --> 00:19:15,250
there's always something open
and always someone to deliver.
485
00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:16,500
Trust.
486
00:19:16,583 --> 00:19:17,958
Yellow pages, please.
487
00:19:18,041 --> 00:19:19,583
Okay, yeah, it's over there.
488
00:19:22,833 --> 00:19:24,250
(SIGHS)
489
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,125
-Give me a nudge, please.
-Oh my God, you got this, dude.
490
00:19:29,208 --> 00:19:30,875
-There it is.
-Yeah.
491
00:19:30,958 --> 00:19:32,875
-Phone.
-It's right here.
492
00:19:32,958 --> 00:19:34,500
Okay.
493
00:19:34,583 --> 00:19:36,166
So we're gonna agree
on a good place, then?
494
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:38,083
-That's the idea.
-Okay, great.
495
00:19:38,166 --> 00:19:39,666
Oh-ho-ho!
496
00:19:39,750 --> 00:19:40,958
Here's one right here.
497
00:19:41,041 --> 00:19:42,416
Abracadabra.
498
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:43,750
It's open 24 hours.
499
00:19:43,833 --> 00:19:47,083
It's a wings and kebab joint.
500
00:19:47,166 --> 00:19:48,916
Yeah, but wings and kebab.
501
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,166
I mean, we can do better.
502
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,500
Dude, we're in
a zombie apocalypse right now.
503
00:19:52,583 --> 00:19:54,291
We cannot afford
to be picky here.
504
00:19:54,375 --> 00:19:55,583
You just said that
we were gonna agree.
505
00:19:55,666 --> 00:19:57,916
You know, fine, just call 'em.
I don't care. Just call 'em.
506
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:58,833
-Yeah?
-Yes.
507
00:19:58,916 --> 00:19:59,708
-Call 'em?
-Yes, that's the one.
508
00:19:59,791 --> 00:20:01,583
All right, here it is.
509
00:20:01,666 --> 00:20:03,500
-5-5-5.
-Uh-huh.
510
00:20:03,583 --> 00:20:05,041
-5-5.
-No.
511
00:20:05,125 --> 00:20:06,291
-5-5.
-Wow.
512
00:20:06,375 --> 00:20:07,958
Whoa, that's cool.
513
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:08,958
They got 'em all.
514
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:11,375
(PHONE RINGING)
515
00:20:11,458 --> 00:20:12,750
NANCY:
Abracadabra, this is Nancy.
516
00:20:12,833 --> 00:20:13,916
How may I help you?
517
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,000
Wait, you guys are open? Sick!
518
00:20:16,083 --> 00:20:17,375
NANCY:
Unfortunately,
we're the only idiots
519
00:20:17,458 --> 00:20:18,666
open during a zombie apocalypse.
520
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:19,750
Okay, fine, fine.
521
00:20:19,833 --> 00:20:21,166
Um, so, uh, what's up?
522
00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:22,458
You guys still deliver?
523
00:20:22,541 --> 00:20:24,708
NANCY:
Uh-huh. Yeah, we are.
What can I get you?
524
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:27,833
Uh, question.
525
00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:31,416
Do you guys do the wings
without the kebabs
526
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:33,833
or is it like,
a package deal sitch?
527
00:20:33,916 --> 00:20:34,500
Great question.
528
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:37,916
NANCY:
You can order wings, whatever tickles your fancy, sweetheart.
529
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:42,875
Awesome.
Uh, let's do, uh, 50-piece?
530
00:20:42,958 --> 00:20:43,625
-NANCY: 50-piece.
-No.
531
00:20:43,708 --> 00:20:44,875
We're gonna be here
for a while.
532
00:20:44,958 --> 00:20:46,500
We better make that a 100.
533
00:20:46,583 --> 00:20:47,541
-NANCY: 100-piece--
-Oh, lots of ranch.
534
00:20:47,625 --> 00:20:48,666
Lots of ranch.
535
00:20:48,750 --> 00:20:49,041
NANCY:
Extra ranch, got it.
536
00:20:49,125 --> 00:20:50,458
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you, uh--
537
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:51,333
NANCY:
Where's all this going, sweety?
538
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,958
Oh, you need my address?
Right. Uh, uh--
539
00:20:53,041 --> 00:20:54,333
NANCY:
If you want the food,
I need the address.
540
00:20:54,416 --> 00:20:55,750
-What is it?
-6-1-8-6.
541
00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:57,791
6-1-8-6 Wildfire Lane.
542
00:20:57,875 --> 00:20:58,791
NANCY:
Okay, give us about an hour.
543
00:20:58,875 --> 00:21:01,041
-Yep.
-(PHONE BEEPS)
544
00:21:01,125 --> 00:21:02,541
-Hell yeah.
-Okay. All right.
545
00:21:02,625 --> 00:21:04,041
Awesome.
546
00:21:06,041 --> 00:21:07,291
Dude, there's never been
a great movie
547
00:21:07,375 --> 00:21:08,458
without Jeanne Tripplehorn.
548
00:21:08,541 --> 00:21:10,791
No, if you want a hit,
you gotta have her in it.
549
00:21:10,875 --> 00:21:12,666
You know, I've probably seen
this movie 500 times
550
00:21:12,750 --> 00:21:15,375
since it came out,
and I'm just gonna say it.
551
00:21:15,458 --> 00:21:17,833
This one's gonna stand
the test of time.
552
00:21:17,916 --> 00:21:19,166
The greatest movie of all time.
553
00:21:19,250 --> 00:21:21,916
It gets better
every single time.
554
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:24,833
A lot of people say that
Costner's best work
555
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,291
is Field of Dreams
or Dances with the Wolves--
556
00:21:26,375 --> 00:21:28,250
Hmm, uh-huh.
557
00:21:28,333 --> 00:21:30,041
Or what's the other one?
558
00:21:30,125 --> 00:21:31,458
-Untouchables.
-Untouchables.
559
00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,125
I know that. I knew that.
560
00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:34,666
Yeah, well,
it's Dances with Wolves.
561
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:36,083
-BRUCE: That's what I said.
-You said Dances with Wolves
562
00:21:36,166 --> 00:21:37,958
-and then you said The Wolves.
-BRUCE: Whatever, dude.
563
00:21:38,041 --> 00:21:38,750
JAMES:
Look, I'm just
trying to tell you.
564
00:21:38,833 --> 00:21:39,583
BRUCE:
I'm just saying I--
565
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:42,208
JAMES:
If you're a real Costner head,
then you gotta know the names.
566
00:21:42,291 --> 00:21:43,666
BRUCE:
Of course I know Costner,
567
00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:48,166
but this movie right here
is the peak Costner.
568
00:21:48,250 --> 00:21:49,666
-Yeah.
-This is it for me.
569
00:21:49,750 --> 00:21:51,208
Yeah, I completely agree
with you, 100%.
570
00:21:51,291 --> 00:21:53,958
I mean, this is
who Kevin Costner really is.
571
00:21:54,041 --> 00:21:56,041
-In real life.
-Yeah, it's basically,
572
00:21:56,125 --> 00:21:58,458
as-- as far as I understand it,
this is all true.
573
00:22:00,041 --> 00:22:02,125
100% true story.
574
00:22:02,208 --> 00:22:04,625
This is a biography about
Kevin Costner.
575
00:22:04,708 --> 00:22:06,875
Do you think if they do hit
the big red button that
576
00:22:06,958 --> 00:22:08,291
it'll be like Terminator?
577
00:22:09,625 --> 00:22:11,916
Dude, you mean like
in Sarah Connor's nightmare
578
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:15,250
when her flesh gets blasted off
her skeleton?
579
00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:16,458
Yes.
580
00:22:18,541 --> 00:22:20,875
I hope not. That scene scared
the shit out of me.
581
00:22:20,958 --> 00:22:22,041
No, it was the worst thing
I've ever seen.
582
00:22:22,125 --> 00:22:23,666
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
583
00:22:23,750 --> 00:22:25,083
Seriously?
Is the food here already?
584
00:22:25,166 --> 00:22:27,958
Okay, dude, you stay put.
585
00:22:28,041 --> 00:22:30,083
-I'm gonna get this.
-Wow, what a nice guy.
586
00:22:30,166 --> 00:22:32,416
My treat. I mean, not like--
587
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,250
Oh, yeah, you probably--
do you need money?
588
00:22:34,333 --> 00:22:38,125
Dude, I haven't had a job
in like ever.
589
00:22:38,208 --> 00:22:39,291
-Of course, I need cash.
-Oh, yeah, yeah,
590
00:22:39,375 --> 00:22:40,791
I don't know why I asked that.
591
00:22:40,875 --> 00:22:42,958
-Uh, there you go.
-Give me, give me, give me.
592
00:22:43,041 --> 00:22:44,291
No, no, I gave you too much.
593
00:22:44,375 --> 00:22:46,416
No, that's good.
That should be good.
594
00:22:46,500 --> 00:22:48,250
-Are you-- all right.
-BRUCE: Yeah.
595
00:22:51,541 --> 00:22:53,000
BRUCE:
Yo!
596
00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:57,416
Well, look who it is.
597
00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,250
-Shmemily.
-Hi, Bruce.
598
00:22:59,333 --> 00:23:01,416
I wasn't expecting
to see you here.
599
00:23:01,500 --> 00:23:03,291
Yeah, well, that makes
two of us.
600
00:23:03,375 --> 00:23:04,541
What do you want?
601
00:23:04,625 --> 00:23:06,791
I just stopped to talk to James. Is he here?
602
00:23:06,875 --> 00:23:08,791
James, James, do I know--
603
00:23:08,875 --> 00:23:09,916
Oh, right, James.
604
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,958
Yeah, no, unfortunately,
James is no longer with us.
605
00:23:14,250 --> 00:23:16,166
Did something happen?
606
00:23:16,250 --> 00:23:17,833
-Did he--
-JAMES: Everything good?
607
00:23:17,916 --> 00:23:20,375
BRUCE:
Yeah, dude. Chicken wings, coming right up.
608
00:23:20,458 --> 00:23:21,458
Chicken wings?
609
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:24,291
Yeah, chicken wings.
610
00:23:24,375 --> 00:23:26,458
All right, Emily, you got me.
611
00:23:26,541 --> 00:23:28,375
James is alive.
He's in the other room.
612
00:23:28,458 --> 00:23:32,625
But I just-- I don't think now
is a good time, you know?
613
00:23:32,708 --> 00:23:34,791
-The breakup was one thing--
-Shut up, Bruce. I'm coming in.
614
00:23:34,875 --> 00:23:37,083
All right, yeah,
just come right in.
615
00:23:37,166 --> 00:23:38,666
♪ Ah ♪
616
00:23:41,291 --> 00:23:44,291
♪ Well,
I don't hardly know her ♪
617
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,333
♪ But I think I could love her ♪
618
00:23:53,166 --> 00:23:56,625
♪ Crimson and clover ♪
619
00:24:00,125 --> 00:24:01,833
♪ Ah ♪
620
00:24:06,583 --> 00:24:07,750
Hi.
621
00:24:09,208 --> 00:24:12,291
-Hi.
-Uh, you wanna have a seat?
622
00:24:12,375 --> 00:24:13,583
Yeah.
623
00:24:21,958 --> 00:24:25,041
I know this probably
isn't good timing,
624
00:24:25,125 --> 00:24:28,625
but I'm about to leave town
with my girlfriends.
625
00:24:30,250 --> 00:24:31,583
Sorry.
626
00:24:36,458 --> 00:24:38,916
I guess I wanted
to make sure you're okay.
627
00:24:40,041 --> 00:24:41,291
I'm not trying to get back together
628
00:24:41,375 --> 00:24:42,458
-or anything.
-(HONKING HORN)
629
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,291
I just wanted to say bye.
630
00:24:46,375 --> 00:24:49,125
You know,
in case anything happens.
631
00:24:49,208 --> 00:24:51,708
Yeah, I wanted
to call you this morning
632
00:24:51,791 --> 00:24:52,958
for the same reason.
633
00:24:53,041 --> 00:24:54,500
Really?
634
00:24:54,583 --> 00:24:55,791
Yeah.
635
00:24:58,333 --> 00:25:04,083
♪ The Easter Roses,
giving my goodbye ♪
636
00:25:06,083 --> 00:25:08,625
Wait, so where are
you ladies headed?
637
00:25:08,708 --> 00:25:10,708
We're going to Seattle.
638
00:25:10,791 --> 00:25:11,958
Seattle?
639
00:25:12,041 --> 00:25:13,291
No shit!
640
00:25:13,375 --> 00:25:15,708
That-- that's where
we were supposed to go.
641
00:25:15,791 --> 00:25:18,333
Yeah, it seems like
everyone's going there.
642
00:25:18,416 --> 00:25:20,708
-I guess it's the place to be.
-We already be on our way,
643
00:25:20,791 --> 00:25:22,291
but we're having
a little car trouble.
644
00:25:22,375 --> 00:25:25,208
Someone sucked the gas straight out of James' tank,
645
00:25:25,291 --> 00:25:27,833
so now we're stuck here,
hoping not to die.
646
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,416
But wait a sec, wait a sec.
647
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,416
James, what if--
what if we went with them
648
00:25:34,500 --> 00:25:35,916
to Seattle, hmm?
649
00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:37,375
Oh, I-- I don't know.
650
00:25:37,458 --> 00:25:38,833
I wouldn't want to impose.
651
00:25:38,916 --> 00:25:43,041
I mean, is there even any room for us?
652
00:25:44,625 --> 00:25:46,458
It would be tight,
653
00:25:46,541 --> 00:25:50,000
but I guess I could ask
my friends.
654
00:25:50,083 --> 00:25:53,875
One of them could totally sit
on my lap if that helps.
655
00:25:55,125 --> 00:25:56,541
(CLEARS THROAT)
656
00:25:58,500 --> 00:25:59,916
What? Just saying.
657
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:04,000
(EMILY'S FRIEND SCREAMING)
658
00:26:06,250 --> 00:26:07,958
Oh, shit!
659
00:26:08,041 --> 00:26:10,041
-Oh my God.
-Oh my God.
660
00:26:10,125 --> 00:26:14,708
(GROWLING) (SCREAMING)
661
00:26:14,791 --> 00:26:15,791
That's not good.
662
00:26:15,875 --> 00:26:17,458
JAMES:
Oh my God.
663
00:26:19,916 --> 00:26:21,875
-We need to do something.
-BRUCE: Oh man.
664
00:26:21,958 --> 00:26:22,708
JAMES:
They just came out of nowhere.
665
00:26:22,791 --> 00:26:24,416
-We gotta help them.
-(GROWLING)
666
00:26:24,500 --> 00:26:26,583
-(GRUNTING)
-JAMES: Oh my God.
667
00:26:26,666 --> 00:26:27,583
BRUCE:
I'm not doing anything.
668
00:26:27,666 --> 00:26:29,541
JAMES:
They're gone,
they're already gone.
669
00:26:29,625 --> 00:26:33,416
(SCREAMING)
670
00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:35,750
-BRUCE: They can drive?
-JAMES: Apparently.
671
00:26:45,291 --> 00:26:48,000
(SOBS)
672
00:26:48,083 --> 00:26:50,875
I had all these plans
for when we got to Seattle.
673
00:26:52,791 --> 00:26:55,000
I was gonna start
an animal rescue.
674
00:26:56,166 --> 00:26:58,916
Tasha was gonna start a band
and get signed by Sub-Pop.
675
00:27:00,458 --> 00:27:03,083
Sam wanted to open a cafe
for computers where you could
676
00:27:03,166 --> 00:27:04,333
surf the web.
677
00:27:05,541 --> 00:27:07,166
That would have been
really cool.
678
00:27:09,333 --> 00:27:10,416
(SIGHS)
679
00:27:11,458 --> 00:27:13,291
I feel like this is
all my fault.
680
00:27:14,333 --> 00:27:16,375
I'm so stupid.
681
00:27:16,458 --> 00:27:19,208
I should have never asked
to stop at my ex-boyfriend's.
682
00:27:19,291 --> 00:27:21,791
-So dumb.
-No, no, don't blame yourself.
683
00:27:21,875 --> 00:27:24,583
I would have done the exact
same thing in your position.
684
00:27:24,666 --> 00:27:28,041
So, you were close?
685
00:27:29,333 --> 00:27:32,083
Yeah, they were my best friends.
686
00:27:32,166 --> 00:27:36,000
Look, I don't know
if this helps, but,
687
00:27:37,958 --> 00:27:40,958
I have known some people
who have died before.
688
00:27:41,041 --> 00:27:43,166
Not in the same way, of course.
689
00:27:43,250 --> 00:27:44,750
More of natural causes.
690
00:27:44,833 --> 00:27:46,750
But I know how it feels.
691
00:27:46,833 --> 00:27:47,750
It feels bad.
692
00:27:47,833 --> 00:27:50,041
Yeah, Bruce, I don't really think that's helping.
693
00:27:52,791 --> 00:27:56,791
Don't you want to know how I got through the bad times?
694
00:27:56,875 --> 00:27:58,833
How did you get through
the bad times?
695
00:28:00,625 --> 00:28:01,916
I'm glad you asked.
696
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:03,750
I usually put on
697
00:28:03,833 --> 00:28:06,125
the feel-good instant classic
Waterworld,
698
00:28:06,208 --> 00:28:08,750
and you're in luck,
because it's queued up right now
699
00:28:08,833 --> 00:28:11,333
and we're actually
halfway through.
700
00:28:11,416 --> 00:28:13,250
Didn't this movie suck
like a lot?
701
00:28:13,333 --> 00:28:15,208
-Oh.
-Whoa,
702
00:28:15,291 --> 00:28:16,666
I'm not even gonna
respond to that.
703
00:28:16,750 --> 00:28:18,041
-James?
-Yeah,
704
00:28:18,125 --> 00:28:21,666
we try to not talk
about the reviews of Waterworld,
705
00:28:21,750 --> 00:28:24,416
because we actually think
it's really good and--
706
00:28:24,500 --> 00:28:25,416
and we're not ashamed of that.
707
00:28:25,500 --> 00:28:26,791
Not ashamed.
708
00:28:26,875 --> 00:28:32,416
Thanks, but I'm just not really
in the mood right now, so.
709
00:28:32,500 --> 00:28:33,916
Or ever.
710
00:28:35,208 --> 00:28:39,666
So you want to start it
from the beginning?
711
00:28:39,750 --> 00:28:41,208
How is that?
Like-- that's not at all.
712
00:28:41,291 --> 00:28:42,333
-James.
-Yeah.
713
00:28:42,416 --> 00:28:45,000
-Can we talk in private?
-Yeah, of course.
714
00:28:45,083 --> 00:28:46,500
Yeah.
715
00:28:48,458 --> 00:28:50,583
Oh, oh, I get it.
716
00:28:50,666 --> 00:28:52,541
You guys want me to leave.
717
00:28:52,625 --> 00:28:53,583
We'd like to be alone.
718
00:28:53,666 --> 00:28:55,291
Yeah.
719
00:28:55,333 --> 00:28:58,833
If anyone needs me, I'll be in
my own private Waterworld.
720
00:28:59,875 --> 00:29:01,250
That means the toilet.
721
00:29:01,333 --> 00:29:02,916
-Yep, we got it.
-We got it.
722
00:29:06,166 --> 00:29:07,708
Bye.
723
00:29:12,041 --> 00:29:13,625
Sorry about Bruce.
724
00:29:13,708 --> 00:29:16,791
I mean, he's just not um, good at stuff like that.
725
00:29:16,875 --> 00:29:19,875
Or anything in general,
but you keep him around.
726
00:29:19,958 --> 00:29:21,958
Yeah.
727
00:29:22,041 --> 00:29:24,750
Well, look, I--
are you gonna be okay?
728
00:29:26,625 --> 00:29:28,458
I need to process it.
729
00:29:28,541 --> 00:29:31,375
That was probably the most
horrific thing I've ever seen.
730
00:29:31,458 --> 00:29:35,458
Yeah. It's like a bad dream
in real life.
731
00:29:35,541 --> 00:29:37,041
Yeah, it's so scary.
732
00:29:38,083 --> 00:29:42,250
It's like we're all just
fighting to survive right now.
733
00:29:44,458 --> 00:29:45,916
What do I do?
734
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:46,958
Where should I go?
735
00:29:47,041 --> 00:29:50,166
Well, I think
you should stay here.
736
00:29:51,500 --> 00:29:52,958
I mean, until things are safer.
737
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,166
-EMILY: You sure?
-JAMES: Yeah.
738
00:29:56,250 --> 00:29:56,958
EMILY:
Thanks, James.
739
00:29:57,041 --> 00:29:58,791
(DOOR OPENS)
740
00:30:00,750 --> 00:30:01,958
(SIGHS)
741
00:30:02,041 --> 00:30:09,708
(♪♪♪)
742
00:30:09,791 --> 00:30:10,916
Pfft.
743
00:30:15,208 --> 00:30:16,958
(SIGHS)
744
00:30:18,958 --> 00:30:20,125
(TYPING)
745
00:30:20,208 --> 00:30:22,833
Hi, I'm James, and I'm a writer.
746
00:30:22,916 --> 00:30:24,666
(MIMICS LAUGHING)
747
00:30:24,750 --> 00:30:27,500
Let's see what you got here.
748
00:30:31,083 --> 00:30:32,625
Wow.
749
00:30:32,708 --> 00:30:34,708
Impressive.
750
00:30:34,791 --> 00:30:36,000
(SIGHS)
751
00:30:42,375 --> 00:30:44,500
Pinky swear my ass.
752
00:30:55,083 --> 00:30:56,333
Much better.
753
00:31:00,416 --> 00:31:02,458
-(CHUCKLES)
-(CLEARS THROAT)
754
00:31:18,416 --> 00:31:20,458
So, how have you been?
755
00:31:21,666 --> 00:31:24,791
Since, you know, we broke up.
756
00:31:24,875 --> 00:31:29,000
Yeah, yeah, I've been--
I've been really good actually.
757
00:31:29,083 --> 00:31:32,125
Healthy.
Um, really clear-headed.
758
00:31:32,208 --> 00:31:33,791
And just productive.
759
00:31:33,875 --> 00:31:35,208
That's good to hear.
760
00:31:35,291 --> 00:31:37,208
-I'm glad.
-Yeah, yeah.
761
00:31:37,291 --> 00:31:38,458
How have you--
how have you been?
762
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,041
Okay, I guess.
763
00:31:43,083 --> 00:31:45,125
Depending on the day
of the week.
764
00:31:46,875 --> 00:31:49,625
In some ways, I'm still healing.
765
00:31:50,958 --> 00:31:52,500
Really?
766
00:31:52,583 --> 00:31:54,458
EMILY:
What-- is that surprising?
767
00:31:55,833 --> 00:32:00,791
I mean, look, I know that this
is a pretty fucked-up situation,
768
00:32:00,875 --> 00:32:03,791
but I'm like really happy
we're talking again.
769
00:32:05,208 --> 00:32:08,666
I guess this is the first time
since things ended, huh?
770
00:32:08,750 --> 00:32:11,583
Yeah. I never even got to apologize.
771
00:32:13,083 --> 00:32:15,416
Apologize for what?
772
00:32:15,500 --> 00:32:17,250
For everything.
773
00:32:17,333 --> 00:32:18,500
Yeah.
774
00:32:19,708 --> 00:32:21,833
Care to be more specific?
775
00:32:23,958 --> 00:32:27,583
Yeah, I mean I'm just sorry for
everything that you think
776
00:32:27,666 --> 00:32:28,708
I did wrong.
777
00:32:29,708 --> 00:32:33,458
Everything I think
you did wrong.
778
00:32:33,541 --> 00:32:34,291
(EMILY SCOFFS)
779
00:32:34,375 --> 00:32:37,541
EMILY:
You were completely missing
in action from our relationship.
780
00:32:37,625 --> 00:32:41,750
Okay, look, I have spent
some time reflecting--
781
00:32:41,833 --> 00:32:43,666
-Uh-huh.
-On our relationship,
782
00:32:43,750 --> 00:32:45,625
and look, I--
783
00:32:46,791 --> 00:32:49,875
I realize that you're the best
thing that ever happened to me.
784
00:32:49,958 --> 00:32:57,708
(♪♪♪)
785
00:33:04,875 --> 00:33:07,833
I'd want things
to be completely different.
786
00:33:07,916 --> 00:33:09,000
Yeah, yeah.
787
00:33:09,083 --> 00:33:10,958
I mean, different how?
788
00:33:12,625 --> 00:33:16,333
To start, I'd like us
to be more honest.
789
00:33:16,416 --> 00:33:18,083
Great. Yeah, me too. Me too.
790
00:33:18,166 --> 00:33:20,041
Honesty is great.
I love honesty.
791
00:33:20,125 --> 00:33:21,416
-EMILY: Okay.
-Yeah.
792
00:33:21,500 --> 00:33:25,458
EMILY:
Well, then how did you
honestly feel after we broke up?
793
00:33:25,541 --> 00:33:27,958
-How have you been?
-Very, very, very, very bad.
794
00:33:28,041 --> 00:33:29,166
I've been-- yeah,
it's been rough.
795
00:33:29,250 --> 00:33:31,041
I knew it.
796
00:33:31,125 --> 00:33:33,083
How bad?
797
00:33:33,166 --> 00:33:36,750
Really bad.
Um, drinking quite a bit.
798
00:33:36,833 --> 00:33:40,250
Um, just a little bit more than
excessively, I would say.
799
00:33:40,333 --> 00:33:44,125
And listening to quite a bit
of Yacht Rock.
800
00:33:44,208 --> 00:33:46,083
-EMILY: Oof.
-Yeah, I know.
801
00:33:46,166 --> 00:33:48,833
Somehow I've become like kindred
with Michael Bolton,
802
00:33:48,916 --> 00:33:50,416
and it doesn't even feel bad
or weird.
803
00:33:50,500 --> 00:33:51,791
-(CHUCKLES)
-JAMES: Yeah.
804
00:33:53,125 --> 00:33:54,208
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
805
00:33:54,291 --> 00:33:56,541
BRUCE:
Yes! Chicken wings!
806
00:33:56,625 --> 00:33:58,583
-Hey!
-Were you just right there?
807
00:33:59,833 --> 00:34:01,541
No.
808
00:34:01,625 --> 00:34:03,041
All right, let's please try
to make this quick.
809
00:34:03,125 --> 00:34:04,083
Okay, I'm not gonna die
for some wings.
810
00:34:04,166 --> 00:34:05,416
All right, all right.
I got this.
811
00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:06,625
We'll be fine.
812
00:34:08,041 --> 00:34:10,541
-Yo, dude, come on in.
-All right, pal.
813
00:34:10,625 --> 00:34:13,791
BRUCE:
Oh my God.
It's fucking crazy out there.
814
00:34:13,875 --> 00:34:14,875
(SIGHS)
815
00:34:14,958 --> 00:34:17,375
-Holy fucking shit.
-Holy fucking shit.
816
00:34:17,458 --> 00:34:18,750
-Rory!
-RORY: Bruce!
817
00:34:18,833 --> 00:34:21,666
-Woo! Oh my God.
-How long has it been?
818
00:34:21,750 --> 00:34:23,375
-Like five years?
-At least.
819
00:34:23,458 --> 00:34:26,166
You look uh, good.
820
00:34:26,250 --> 00:34:27,458
You still look like shit.
821
00:34:27,541 --> 00:34:28,833
(LAUGHS)
822
00:34:28,916 --> 00:34:30,375
Funny guy.
823
00:34:30,458 --> 00:34:31,708
This is James.
824
00:34:31,791 --> 00:34:33,041
How you doing, pal?
825
00:34:33,125 --> 00:34:34,291
Make yourself at home, man.
826
00:34:34,375 --> 00:34:36,500
-Mi casa, su casa.
-Thanks, pal.
827
00:34:36,583 --> 00:34:37,375
BRUCE:
Here, let me help you out.
828
00:34:37,458 --> 00:34:38,458
Oh, here, you want to take it?
829
00:34:38,541 --> 00:34:41,166
Wingy, wingy. Yeah!
830
00:34:41,250 --> 00:34:43,000
Come on in. Chicken wings.
831
00:34:43,083 --> 00:34:44,458
Fucking A.
832
00:34:52,875 --> 00:34:54,750
So, uh, how do you guys
know each other?
833
00:34:54,833 --> 00:34:55,666
BRUCE:
Oh my God, dude.
834
00:34:55,750 --> 00:34:58,041
Me and Roarster here,
we go way back.
835
00:34:58,125 --> 00:34:59,666
We were sandwich artists
together.
836
00:34:59,750 --> 00:35:01,708
Bruce, don't
shortchange yourself.
837
00:35:01,791 --> 00:35:03,625
You're much more
than a sandwich artist.
838
00:35:03,708 --> 00:35:06,458
Sandwich fucking legend,
this guy.
839
00:35:06,541 --> 00:35:07,375
Fuck off.
840
00:35:07,458 --> 00:35:09,375
Oh, I'm telling you,
people talked about you
841
00:35:09,458 --> 00:35:12,000
for years after you left.
842
00:35:12,083 --> 00:35:14,541
They're probably still
yacking about you.
843
00:35:14,625 --> 00:35:16,416
And this was at Subway?
844
00:35:16,500 --> 00:35:18,583
Yeah, dude.
845
00:35:18,666 --> 00:35:20,500
You better see this guy
in the kitchen.
846
00:35:20,583 --> 00:35:22,166
He was doing stuff
with sandwiches that
847
00:35:22,250 --> 00:35:24,041
weren't even on the menu.
848
00:35:24,125 --> 00:35:26,250
Had his own fucking secret menu.
849
00:35:26,333 --> 00:35:29,375
Julia Child meets
Jackson Pollock.
850
00:35:29,458 --> 00:35:31,291
Totally experimental shit.
851
00:35:31,375 --> 00:35:32,416
Blew my mind.
852
00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:34,000
I was just messing around,
853
00:35:34,083 --> 00:35:37,333
you know, having a good time,
that's all.
854
00:35:37,416 --> 00:35:39,208
What are you up to these days? You a chef?
855
00:35:39,291 --> 00:35:40,458
You reinvent food?
856
00:35:40,541 --> 00:35:44,208
No, but I did go
to culinary school actually.
857
00:35:44,291 --> 00:35:45,666
-I like to hear.
-Yeah.
858
00:35:45,750 --> 00:35:47,666
I dropped out, though.
859
00:35:47,750 --> 00:35:51,333
But it's cool, you know,
because I um-- I'm living off
860
00:35:51,416 --> 00:35:54,791
of Israel bonds
and unemployment now.
861
00:35:54,875 --> 00:35:55,833
Looks like
it worked out for you.
862
00:35:55,916 --> 00:35:58,791
I mean, you're living
fucking lavish over here.
863
00:35:58,875 --> 00:36:00,541
Place is straight class,
let me tell you.
864
00:36:00,625 --> 00:36:02,666
Right, yeah, but this actually isn't my place.
865
00:36:02,750 --> 00:36:04,166
This is James' house.
He's a novelist.
866
00:36:04,250 --> 00:36:05,666
RORY:
Mm, mm-hmm.
867
00:36:05,750 --> 00:36:10,416
It's uh-- you did the book,
Space, uh, trains, trains.
868
00:36:10,500 --> 00:36:11,583
Trains in Space.
869
00:36:11,666 --> 00:36:12,833
BRUCE:
Trains in Space,
that's what I said.
870
00:36:12,916 --> 00:36:14,583
That was you, huh?
That was sick.
871
00:36:14,666 --> 00:36:15,833
I saw it in the library.
872
00:36:15,916 --> 00:36:19,125
No shot I was reading it,
but fucking A, dude.
873
00:36:19,208 --> 00:36:20,833
Oh, you're too kind.
Thank you.
874
00:36:20,916 --> 00:36:22,916
Oh, dude, how much I owe you?
875
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:24,625
Uh, $32.50.
876
00:36:24,708 --> 00:36:26,791
Right.
877
00:36:26,875 --> 00:36:28,750
There's 40 right there. Boom.
878
00:36:28,833 --> 00:36:30,458
Thank you.
879
00:36:30,541 --> 00:36:31,625
Always got
to check with this fucker.
880
00:36:31,708 --> 00:36:33,291
(LAUGHING)
881
00:36:33,375 --> 00:36:34,541
Yeah, you never know.
882
00:36:34,625 --> 00:36:37,333
Dude, didn't you like
fuck my sister?
883
00:36:38,958 --> 00:36:40,750
Listen, nobody knows nothing.
884
00:36:40,833 --> 00:36:43,041
Ah,
885
00:36:43,125 --> 00:36:45,583
Rory, my man.
886
00:36:46,583 --> 00:36:48,875
We got to--
we got to hang out again.
887
00:36:48,958 --> 00:36:50,750
Dude,
why don't you just stick around?
888
00:36:50,833 --> 00:36:52,291
We got Waterworld, wings.
889
00:36:52,375 --> 00:36:53,208
I wish I could.
890
00:36:53,291 --> 00:36:54,666
I still have some deliveries,
though.
891
00:36:54,750 --> 00:36:57,875
Oh, dang. All right, well,
I guess he's got to head out.
892
00:36:57,958 --> 00:36:58,708
Come on, man.
893
00:36:58,791 --> 00:37:01,458
You're gonna risk your life
for Abracadabra?
894
00:37:01,541 --> 00:37:03,916
-Yeah.
-You're better than this, man.
895
00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:06,375
-What about your friends?
-Yeah, you know what?
896
00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:07,541
For once, you're right.
897
00:37:07,625 --> 00:37:10,333
Fuck Abracadabra
and the kebab wands.
898
00:37:10,416 --> 00:37:11,791
BRUCE:
Yeah, fuck 'em.
899
00:37:11,875 --> 00:37:13,208
Hey, Emily!
900
00:37:13,291 --> 00:37:14,291
Emily!
901
00:37:15,333 --> 00:37:19,875
(♪♪♪)
902
00:37:19,958 --> 00:37:22,541
The last few days
have been wild. Get this.
903
00:37:22,625 --> 00:37:24,708
Yesterday, I had to deliver
to an orgy.
904
00:37:24,791 --> 00:37:25,541
No shit.
905
00:37:25,625 --> 00:37:28,125
Yeah, I show up
to this huge mansion,
906
00:37:28,208 --> 00:37:31,583
all different walks of life,
everybody's naked.
907
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:33,250
The host,
this guy named Russell,
908
00:37:33,333 --> 00:37:35,916
had the longest fucking balls
I've ever seen.
909
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:37,708
They were like down
to his ankles.
910
00:37:37,791 --> 00:37:40,000
I love that. Love that.
911
00:37:40,083 --> 00:37:41,458
What I'm more curious about is
912
00:37:41,541 --> 00:37:44,000
how you've managed
to stay alive this whole time.
913
00:37:44,083 --> 00:37:45,166
It hasn't been easy.
914
00:37:45,250 --> 00:37:48,083
I've almost been bitten
like 10 times already.
915
00:37:48,166 --> 00:37:50,833
I mean, don't get me wrong,
obviously, it's a dangerous job,
916
00:37:50,916 --> 00:37:53,000
but the tips
have been incredible.
917
00:37:53,083 --> 00:37:55,208
We all know how expensive rent in L.A. can be.
918
00:37:55,291 --> 00:37:56,708
-Tell me about it.
-Plus, there's everything else.
919
00:37:56,791 --> 00:37:59,750
You got gas, bills, food.
920
00:37:59,833 --> 00:38:01,541
Speaking of food, Rory,
what are you waiting for?
921
00:38:01,625 --> 00:38:03,000
-Dig in.
-Nah, nah, nah.
922
00:38:03,083 --> 00:38:04,125
I don't touch that stuff
no more.
923
00:38:04,208 --> 00:38:05,291
I'm a vegetarian.
924
00:38:05,375 --> 00:38:06,916
What?
925
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:09,583
You a vegetarian? No, come on.
926
00:38:09,666 --> 00:38:11,666
Yeah, for the last three months.
927
00:38:11,750 --> 00:38:14,125
Look, we used
to call this guy "Meatball Rory"
928
00:38:14,208 --> 00:38:16,416
'cause he ate meatball subs
for breakfast, lunch,
929
00:38:16,500 --> 00:38:18,750
-and dinner.
-Those days are way behind me.
930
00:38:18,833 --> 00:38:20,000
I'm Tofu Rory.
931
00:38:20,083 --> 00:38:21,000
Come on, man.
932
00:38:21,083 --> 00:38:23,000
What's it been like, 90 days?
933
00:38:23,083 --> 00:38:24,250
You're still
in the probationary period.
934
00:38:24,333 --> 00:38:24,958
You can eat meat.
935
00:38:25,041 --> 00:38:26,875
You-- you don't have to eat it
if you don't want to.
936
00:38:26,958 --> 00:38:28,041
BRUCE:
Come on.
937
00:38:28,125 --> 00:38:29,750
Dude,
you drove all the way out here.
938
00:38:29,833 --> 00:38:31,208
You're not gonna eat with me?
939
00:38:31,291 --> 00:38:32,750
Your boy Bruce?
940
00:38:32,833 --> 00:38:33,875
Have one wing, one.
941
00:38:33,958 --> 00:38:36,208
Bruce, don't make him do it.
942
00:38:36,291 --> 00:38:37,250
You know what, fuck it,
943
00:38:37,333 --> 00:38:38,791
the world's ending anyway,
right?
944
00:38:38,875 --> 00:38:40,125
I'll get one of these things.
945
00:38:41,125 --> 00:38:42,291
(MUNCHING)
946
00:38:42,375 --> 00:38:43,833
Oh man.
947
00:38:45,791 --> 00:38:48,375
-I missed this.
-Welcome back, buddy.
948
00:38:48,458 --> 00:38:50,166
Got a little kick to it, too,
huh?
949
00:38:50,250 --> 00:38:51,791
Actually pretty spicy.
950
00:38:51,875 --> 00:38:53,958
Dip it in some ranch,
that'll cool it off.
951
00:38:54,041 --> 00:38:56,958
Ranch? Didn't I give you guys
blue cheese?
952
00:38:57,041 --> 00:38:59,250
BRUCE:
No, no one delivered
blue cheese. That was you.
953
00:38:59,333 --> 00:39:02,375
This fucking guy Marco's been
messing up the order all week.
954
00:39:03,416 --> 00:39:05,833
I guess I'll fucking suffer
with the ranch.
955
00:39:05,916 --> 00:39:07,375
There he is, come on.
956
00:39:07,458 --> 00:39:09,291
(LAUGHS) Look at this guy.
957
00:39:09,375 --> 00:39:10,833
Reminds me of one
of them zombies out there,
958
00:39:10,916 --> 00:39:12,333
right?
959
00:39:14,458 --> 00:39:15,875
So you two married or what?
960
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:19,375
Us?
No, we're not even a couple.
961
00:39:19,458 --> 00:39:21,583
Well, uh,
we're a work in progress.
962
00:39:21,666 --> 00:39:23,500
Kind of like
every couple I know.
963
00:39:23,583 --> 00:39:26,083
That's why my grandma wonders
why I'm not getting laid.
964
00:39:26,166 --> 00:39:27,541
No one else is wondering that.
965
00:39:29,583 --> 00:39:30,583
(GRUNTS)
966
00:39:30,666 --> 00:39:31,666
Fuck me.
967
00:39:31,750 --> 00:39:34,291
I should not have eaten
that wing.
968
00:39:34,375 --> 00:39:36,250
Already not sitting
too well with me.
969
00:39:36,333 --> 00:39:37,625
-Uh-oh.
-Ah, God.
970
00:39:37,708 --> 00:39:39,791
Don't tell me it's like that
time you got back from TJ
971
00:39:39,875 --> 00:39:40,916
with Montezuma's Revenge.
972
00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:42,375
I'm telling you,
if that's the case,
973
00:39:42,458 --> 00:39:43,583
we're all in trouble.
974
00:39:44,666 --> 00:39:46,041
You guys got a bedroom near
here?
975
00:39:46,125 --> 00:39:47,875
Yeah, yeah, it's right out there
down the hall.
976
00:39:47,958 --> 00:39:49,750
In fact, Bruce,
why don't you show him?
977
00:39:49,833 --> 00:39:51,208
Yeah, I'll show him.
978
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,000
Hey, man. I just want to thank you for your words
979
00:39:57,083 --> 00:39:58,916
of encouragement earlier.
I really appreciate that.
980
00:39:59,000 --> 00:39:59,875
You know,
I've always thought about
981
00:39:59,958 --> 00:40:02,291
-getting back in the kitchen. -You should totally do it, bro.
982
00:40:02,416 --> 00:40:04,625
Yeah, it's just the pressure,
you know?
983
00:40:04,708 --> 00:40:06,916
It's like I got a whole bunch
of new ideas I want to try.
984
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:08,125
Like ostrich liver.
985
00:40:08,208 --> 00:40:10,125
That shit
is fucking unbelievable.
986
00:40:10,208 --> 00:40:12,583
You slice it up real thin,
and then you sauté it
987
00:40:12,666 --> 00:40:14,166
in salted butter.
988
00:40:14,250 --> 00:40:15,458
Where's that fucking bed?
989
00:40:15,541 --> 00:40:16,416
Oh, it's right over here
to the right.
990
00:40:16,500 --> 00:40:17,708
Oh, fucking A.
991
00:40:17,791 --> 00:40:19,875
You have a little something
on your face.
992
00:40:19,958 --> 00:40:21,375
Oh, where?
993
00:40:21,458 --> 00:40:22,541
I can get it.
994
00:40:28,750 --> 00:40:30,500
Thank you. Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
995
00:40:30,583 --> 00:40:31,791
Thank you.
996
00:40:31,875 --> 00:40:34,583
Am I crazy or is there some flirting happening right now?
997
00:40:34,666 --> 00:40:35,916
You're crazy.
998
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,750
We're just not fighting
at the moment.
999
00:40:37,833 --> 00:40:39,750
Okay, 'cause it feels like
things are going swimmingly,
1000
00:40:39,833 --> 00:40:41,333
-actually.
-Swimmingly?
1001
00:40:41,416 --> 00:40:43,250
Mm-hmm.
1002
00:40:43,333 --> 00:40:44,666
You're an idiot.
1003
00:40:44,708 --> 00:40:46,916
Mm-hmm. Okay, all right.
1004
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,708
-It's your turn.
-My turn for what?
1005
00:40:49,791 --> 00:40:51,375
The new honesty thing.
1006
00:40:51,458 --> 00:40:53,875
I was honest with you earlier,
so now it's my turn.
1007
00:40:53,958 --> 00:40:55,208
I'm game.
What do you want to know?
1008
00:40:55,291 --> 00:40:58,625
Okay, what is your beef
with Bruce?
1009
00:40:59,791 --> 00:41:01,625
What do you mean?
1010
00:41:01,708 --> 00:41:02,833
Come on.
1011
00:41:02,916 --> 00:41:04,333
There's something there.
1012
00:41:04,416 --> 00:41:05,708
Like the entire time
we were together,
1013
00:41:05,791 --> 00:41:08,375
it seemed like there was a--
I don't know, a tension.
1014
00:41:08,458 --> 00:41:10,791
And I mean, sometimes it even seemed like you hate him.
1015
00:41:10,875 --> 00:41:13,000
I don't hate Bruce.
1016
00:41:13,083 --> 00:41:15,333
We're just two
very different people.
1017
00:41:15,416 --> 00:41:17,750
-It's awkward with us.
-Right.
1018
00:41:17,833 --> 00:41:20,041
But we're very different
people, too.
1019
00:41:20,125 --> 00:41:22,041
I-- I just-- I don't know what the difference is.
1020
00:41:22,125 --> 00:41:24,750
Like what--
like why is it awkward?
1021
00:41:24,833 --> 00:41:26,041
I don't know, James.
1022
00:41:26,166 --> 00:41:27,208
I don't know.
1023
00:41:27,291 --> 00:41:28,333
Okay.
1024
00:41:28,416 --> 00:41:30,000
I feel like you do
and you should just say it.
1025
00:41:30,083 --> 00:41:31,791
I just want to know.
I got to know.
1026
00:41:33,333 --> 00:41:35,583
Okay, there's this one thing
I probably should have
1027
00:41:35,666 --> 00:41:39,000
already admitted to you,
but I haven't yet.
1028
00:41:39,083 --> 00:41:41,166
So, here I go.
1029
00:41:43,166 --> 00:41:44,375
Um,
1030
00:41:45,458 --> 00:41:48,250
-this is so embarrassing.
-It's fine.
1031
00:41:48,333 --> 00:41:50,125
I just-- I got to know.
1032
00:41:50,208 --> 00:41:54,625
Okay, before you and I
were dating,
1033
00:41:56,291 --> 00:41:58,125
Bruce and I,
1034
00:41:59,916 --> 00:42:01,500
this is so stupid,
1035
00:42:04,500 --> 00:42:05,500
we had a fling.
1036
00:42:07,458 --> 00:42:09,000
It was a small fling.
It didn't mean anything.
1037
00:42:09,083 --> 00:42:13,625
A fling? Um, I'm sorry,
with you and Bruce?
1038
00:42:13,708 --> 00:42:15,250
Bruce, my best friend.
1039
00:42:15,333 --> 00:42:17,916
Bruce, the guy walking around
my house right now.
1040
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:19,291
Unfortunately, yes.
1041
00:42:19,375 --> 00:42:20,625
Son of a bitch.
1042
00:42:20,708 --> 00:42:22,208
-James, wait.
-Bruce!
1043
00:42:26,125 --> 00:42:27,833
Fuck, I'm burning up here.
1044
00:42:27,916 --> 00:42:36,708
(♪♪♪)
1045
00:42:40,333 --> 00:42:44,208
Fucking Christ, my eyes are...
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
1046
00:42:45,208 --> 00:42:47,208
-JAMES: Bruce!
-What? I'm making a drink.
1047
00:42:47,291 --> 00:42:49,666
JAMES:
I don't care. Tell me what happened between you and Emily
1048
00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:51,250
before we were together.
1049
00:42:52,916 --> 00:42:54,166
-BRUCE: What?
-Mm-hmm-hmm.
1050
00:42:54,250 --> 00:42:56,000
Oh my God, you told him?
1051
00:42:56,083 --> 00:42:57,416
I had to.
1052
00:42:59,666 --> 00:43:03,041
What the fuck
is happening to me?
1053
00:43:03,125 --> 00:43:04,291
Tell me everything right now.
1054
00:43:04,375 --> 00:43:06,250
Okay, it's not a big deal.
1055
00:43:06,333 --> 00:43:08,083
Nothing,
basically nothing happened.
1056
00:43:08,166 --> 00:43:09,625
If nothing happened, we wouldn't be having
1057
00:43:09,708 --> 00:43:11,291
-this conversation right now.
-I'll just say it,
1058
00:43:11,375 --> 00:43:12,500
there was definitely
some hand stuff.
1059
00:43:12,583 --> 00:43:13,916
Hand stuff?
1060
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:14,708
-Yes.
-Hand stuff?
1061
00:43:14,791 --> 00:43:16,375
Okay, there might have been
some hand stuff,
1062
00:43:16,458 --> 00:43:19,083
but I swear to God,
James, we did not have sex.
1063
00:43:19,166 --> 00:43:20,041
It's true.
1064
00:43:20,125 --> 00:43:21,875
I mean, we probably would have,
but nothing ever happened,
1065
00:43:21,958 --> 00:43:22,666
-because--
-Stop.
1066
00:43:22,750 --> 00:43:24,291
You don't have to go there,
okay?
1067
00:43:24,375 --> 00:43:25,916
-She doesn't--
-No, yes, you do.
1068
00:43:26,000 --> 00:43:26,833
Tell me why right now.
1069
00:43:26,916 --> 00:43:29,291
Because Bruce got very excited
by the hand stuff, that's why.
1070
00:43:29,375 --> 00:43:31,041
Oh my God, okay.
1071
00:43:31,083 --> 00:43:32,458
Is that everything?
1072
00:43:32,541 --> 00:43:36,125
Then Bruce made me a sandwich
and we shared it.
1073
00:43:36,208 --> 00:43:37,208
Ch-- a sandwich?
1074
00:43:37,291 --> 00:43:38,416
Did you wash your hands first?
1075
00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:39,666
Yes, I washed my hands.
1076
00:43:39,750 --> 00:43:41,083
I swear I washed my hands.
1077
00:43:41,166 --> 00:43:43,208
I feel sick right now.
1078
00:43:43,291 --> 00:43:44,875
Yeah, how do you think I feel?
1079
00:43:44,958 --> 00:43:47,125
I don't feel so hot myself.
1080
00:43:47,208 --> 00:43:48,333
What is he still doing here?
1081
00:43:48,416 --> 00:43:49,500
I'm sorry, are you wearing
my bathrobe?
1082
00:43:49,583 --> 00:43:50,833
Did you just take a shower?
1083
00:43:50,916 --> 00:43:52,833
I'm sweating
my fucking balls off, bro.
1084
00:43:52,916 --> 00:43:54,666
Is it hot in here or is it me?
1085
00:43:54,750 --> 00:43:55,833
-EMILY: Oh God!
-JAMES: Oh, holy shit!
1086
00:43:55,916 --> 00:43:57,541
-Oh my God.
-Oh, wow.
1087
00:43:57,625 --> 00:43:58,708
Is he infected?
1088
00:43:58,791 --> 00:44:00,375
I think it's just
food poisoning.
1089
00:44:00,458 --> 00:44:02,083
That doesn't look like
food poisoning.
1090
00:44:02,166 --> 00:44:04,458
Okay, relax, maybe he just
you know, had
1091
00:44:04,541 --> 00:44:06,666
an allergic reaction
to their hot wings, that's all.
1092
00:44:06,750 --> 00:44:08,208
Do you have allergies, Rory?
1093
00:44:08,291 --> 00:44:09,583
I'm allergic to cats.
1094
00:44:09,666 --> 00:44:10,791
I don't have a cat.
1095
00:44:10,875 --> 00:44:12,375
That is not
an allergic reaction.
1096
00:44:12,458 --> 00:44:14,708
Okay, you know what, Rory?
1097
00:44:14,791 --> 00:44:18,833
Remember when you said that you
almost got bit like 10 times?
1098
00:44:18,916 --> 00:44:20,250
Yeah.
1099
00:44:20,333 --> 00:44:22,583
-Did you maybe get bit?
-Nah, I just--
1100
00:44:22,666 --> 00:44:24,375
That looks like
a bite mark to me.
1101
00:44:24,458 --> 00:44:26,791
Nah, I just got that
at the orgy.
1102
00:44:26,875 --> 00:44:29,291
Okay, Rory, I'm gonna ask you
a question here
1103
00:44:29,375 --> 00:44:32,375
and as crazy as this may sound,
I need you to be honest, okay?
1104
00:44:32,458 --> 00:44:34,500
Yeah, the fuck you need.
1105
00:44:34,583 --> 00:44:35,791
Did you...
1106
00:44:37,625 --> 00:44:39,916
Did you have sex with a zombie?
1107
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:41,333
-(RETCHES)
-JAMES: Oh, shit!
1108
00:44:41,416 --> 00:44:42,541
-EMILY: Oh my God!
-Fuck, is that blood?
1109
00:44:42,625 --> 00:44:45,041
(SCREAMING)
1110
00:44:45,125 --> 00:44:54,083
(♪♪♪)
1111
00:44:57,166 --> 00:44:58,166
NEWSCASTER 1:
Thanks, Bill.
1112
00:44:58,250 --> 00:44:59,958
We have a warning about
our next story.
1113
00:45:00,041 --> 00:45:04,958
(WHIMPERING)
1114
00:45:05,041 --> 00:45:07,666
James, I just wanna say
I'm sorry, we need to talk.
1115
00:45:07,750 --> 00:45:10,208
Shut the fuck up,
he's going to hear you.
1116
00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:12,125
You're right, you're right,
we'll talk later.
1117
00:45:14,958 --> 00:45:17,916
(RORY GRUNTING)
1118
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:22,375
(GROWLS)
1119
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:30,000
(BREATHS HEAVILY)
1120
00:46:00,666 --> 00:46:02,375
-Run!
-(EMILY SCREAMS)
1121
00:46:08,916 --> 00:46:09,833
Shut it!
1122
00:46:09,916 --> 00:46:11,416
Shut the door!
1123
00:46:11,500 --> 00:46:15,416
Oh, oh, that's Rory,
he looks so terrible.
1124
00:46:15,500 --> 00:46:17,833
-BRUCE: Damn.
-JAMES: Jesus Christ.
1125
00:46:17,916 --> 00:46:19,500
I can't believe I used
to be friends with him.
1126
00:46:19,583 --> 00:46:22,125
He fucked a zombie.
1127
00:46:22,208 --> 00:46:25,000
Oh God, that's the worst STD
I've ever seen.
1128
00:46:25,083 --> 00:46:26,708
(GROWLS)
1129
00:46:26,791 --> 00:46:28,291
And I thought herpes was bad.
1130
00:46:28,375 --> 00:46:30,041
EMILY:
Disgusting.
1131
00:46:30,125 --> 00:46:31,916
-Where's he going?
-JAMES: There he goes.
1132
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:34,500
Great. Oh, wait. Charles.
1133
00:46:34,583 --> 00:46:36,125
Oh, shit, dude.
1134
00:46:36,208 --> 00:46:38,083
-No, he's gonna eat my fish.
-No, Charles.
1135
00:46:38,166 --> 00:46:40,250
BRUCE:
Don't do it, Rory.
1136
00:46:40,333 --> 00:46:42,250
-JAMES: Charles.
-BRUCE: I'm sorry, dude.
1137
00:46:42,333 --> 00:46:44,125
Motherfucker.
1138
00:46:44,208 --> 00:46:45,333
No, this bitch has to die.
1139
00:46:45,416 --> 00:46:47,583
-James!
-BRUCE: James no, James, stop!
1140
00:46:47,666 --> 00:46:49,875
Jesus Christ, I don't care,
I don't care.
1141
00:46:49,958 --> 00:46:51,000
BRUCE:
Oh, he's coming back.
1142
00:46:52,083 --> 00:46:54,666
-(GROWLS)
-(SIREN WAILING IN BACKGROUND)
1143
00:46:54,750 --> 00:46:56,083
I don't think he knows
how to get out.
1144
00:46:56,166 --> 00:46:59,708
No, he-- I think we're--
I think we're safe out here.
1145
00:46:59,791 --> 00:47:01,750
JAMES:
Yeah, yeah, no, it's perfect. This is great.
1146
00:47:01,833 --> 00:47:05,041
We got the zombie locked inside,
and then we're locked outside
1147
00:47:05,125 --> 00:47:06,375
where all the zombies are.
It's great.
1148
00:47:06,458 --> 00:47:08,000
EMILY:
Yeah, another zombie could
show up any moment.
1149
00:47:08,083 --> 00:47:09,333
I honestly hope one does.
1150
00:47:09,416 --> 00:47:11,041
I would love
to just fucking die right now.
1151
00:47:11,125 --> 00:47:13,083
In fact, zombies!
Come and fucking eat me!
1152
00:47:13,166 --> 00:47:16,083
Hey! James, I know you're angry right now about the hookup,
1153
00:47:16,166 --> 00:47:17,083
but can you just put that
on the back burner for a second?
1154
00:47:17,166 --> 00:47:18,708
Ew, the hookup.
1155
00:47:18,791 --> 00:47:19,708
Yeah, dude, come on.
1156
00:47:19,791 --> 00:47:21,083
Don't you want to survive here?
1157
00:47:21,166 --> 00:47:22,458
Just think about it.
1158
00:47:22,541 --> 00:47:24,666
What would they do
in the zombie movies?
1159
00:47:24,750 --> 00:47:27,416
I've never seen a zombie movie
where my best friend
1160
00:47:27,500 --> 00:47:28,958
tries to bang my girlfriend.
1161
00:47:29,041 --> 00:47:30,583
BRUCE:
Okay, what is this, 1985?
1162
00:47:30,666 --> 00:47:32,583
I didn't try
to bang your girlfriend,
1163
00:47:32,666 --> 00:47:33,791
and she wasn't even
your girlfriend then.
1164
00:47:33,875 --> 00:47:35,041
Shut up, okay?
1165
00:47:35,125 --> 00:47:36,541
I think I have an idea.
1166
00:47:36,625 --> 00:47:38,875
One of you needs to open the door, get him out here,
1167
00:47:38,958 --> 00:47:41,208
distract him,
and then spray him with a hose.
1168
00:47:41,291 --> 00:47:43,041
I'll grab that plant,
smash him over the head,
1169
00:47:43,125 --> 00:47:45,083
and that should give us enough
time to get back inside.
1170
00:47:45,166 --> 00:47:46,083
That could work.
1171
00:47:46,166 --> 00:47:48,208
Yeah, totally.
You're the distractor, though.
1172
00:47:48,291 --> 00:47:50,166
What? Why-- why am I the distractor?
1173
00:47:50,250 --> 00:47:52,750
Oh, I guess just because
this is all your fault.
1174
00:47:52,833 --> 00:47:55,375
You came to my house,
you made us get hot wings,
1175
00:47:55,458 --> 00:47:58,000
you invited Rory Gabagool
into my home.
1176
00:47:58,083 --> 00:47:59,916
Okay, those are
all valid points.
1177
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:01,333
I'll be the distractor.
1178
00:48:01,416 --> 00:48:02,791
Thank you.
1179
00:48:02,875 --> 00:48:05,166
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(FIRING IN BACKGROUND)
1180
00:48:05,250 --> 00:48:06,875
(SIGHS)
1181
00:48:06,958 --> 00:48:08,333
Ready.
1182
00:48:08,416 --> 00:48:09,458
Set.
1183
00:48:13,500 --> 00:48:14,291
Fucking go!
1184
00:48:14,375 --> 00:48:23,166
(♪♪♪)
1185
00:49:02,750 --> 00:49:04,666
Oh my God! I can't believe
it actually worked!
1186
00:49:04,791 --> 00:49:06,833
We did it! That was awesome!
1187
00:49:06,916 --> 00:49:08,250
Up high.
1188
00:49:08,333 --> 00:49:09,833
-No five?
-No, no five.
1189
00:49:09,916 --> 00:49:10,916
Now that things are back
to normal,
1190
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:12,541
I'd like
to be left the fuck alone.
1191
00:49:12,625 --> 00:49:13,708
James!
1192
00:49:19,208 --> 00:49:20,666
All this shit going on
in the world,
1193
00:49:20,750 --> 00:49:23,500
why would you even think about
telling James what happened?
1194
00:49:23,583 --> 00:49:26,041
Because it was one of the problems of our relationship.
1195
00:49:26,125 --> 00:49:27,916
We were never honest
with each other.
1196
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:30,291
Relationships require honesty.
1197
00:49:30,375 --> 00:49:31,958
Oh my God, are you kidding me?
1198
00:49:32,041 --> 00:49:33,208
James is my best friend
1199
00:49:33,291 --> 00:49:35,583
and I was ready to take that
to the grave.
1200
00:49:35,666 --> 00:49:37,041
Look, I wasn't happy
about it either.
1201
00:49:37,125 --> 00:49:38,166
It's embarrassing.
1202
00:49:38,250 --> 00:49:40,208
Okay, you don't have
to rub it in.
1203
00:49:40,291 --> 00:49:41,833
-That's not what I meant.
-You know what?
1204
00:49:41,916 --> 00:49:44,041
A girl like you would never
in a million years
1205
00:49:44,125 --> 00:49:46,958
end up with a guy like me,
because I am a fuck-up.
1206
00:49:47,041 --> 00:49:49,666
I know it, James knows it,
and you know it.
1207
00:49:49,750 --> 00:49:51,083
I mean, you said it yourself.
1208
00:49:51,166 --> 00:49:53,833
I'm not really great at
anything in general.
1209
00:49:53,916 --> 00:49:55,250
You were spying on us?
1210
00:49:55,333 --> 00:49:57,125
That's super fucking creepy,
Bruce.
1211
00:49:57,208 --> 00:49:59,666
Yes, I was, and I didn't appreciate that comment.
1212
00:49:59,750 --> 00:50:01,708
Or the one you just made.
1213
00:50:01,791 --> 00:50:03,208
Jesus, learn to take a joke.
1214
00:50:03,291 --> 00:50:05,166
Oh, I'm sorry, I get it now.
1215
00:50:05,250 --> 00:50:06,458
Bruce sucks at life.
1216
00:50:06,541 --> 00:50:08,000
-Ha-ha, very funny.
-Look, Bruce,
1217
00:50:08,083 --> 00:50:09,708
the reason our fling was
embarrassing to me
1218
00:50:09,791 --> 00:50:12,083
was nothing
to do with who you are.
1219
00:50:12,166 --> 00:50:16,083
It's because we barely knew
each other at the time.
1220
00:50:16,166 --> 00:50:18,500
And honestly,
I didn't have a lot
1221
00:50:18,583 --> 00:50:19,958
of experience.
1222
00:50:20,041 --> 00:50:21,916
Well, you know, that makes
two of us,
1223
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,250
because I didn't have a whole
lot of experience either.
1224
00:50:24,333 --> 00:50:26,333
I'm positive you had
at least more than I did.
1225
00:50:27,583 --> 00:50:30,708
No, no, I didn't, because--
1226
00:50:30,791 --> 00:50:33,583
Well, Emily, I...
1227
00:50:36,500 --> 00:50:37,625
I was a virgin.
1228
00:50:38,708 --> 00:50:39,833
You were a virgin?
1229
00:50:39,916 --> 00:50:41,041
Yes. Shh.
1230
00:50:41,125 --> 00:50:42,500
You don't need to say it
so loud.
1231
00:50:42,583 --> 00:50:44,041
I'm speaking at a normal volume.
1232
00:50:44,125 --> 00:50:45,625
Okay, well,
I guess it just sounds worse
1233
00:50:45,708 --> 00:50:47,666
when someone else says it.
1234
00:50:47,750 --> 00:50:49,541
I'm sorry. I...
1235
00:50:49,625 --> 00:50:52,041
I honestly, I really don't know how to react to that.
1236
00:50:52,125 --> 00:50:55,250
Well, I'll have you know,
I'm no longer a virgin.
1237
00:50:55,333 --> 00:50:56,750
I've done it numerous times.
1238
00:50:56,833 --> 00:50:59,875
-Okay.
-At least, 6, 7, 8--
1239
00:50:59,958 --> 00:51:02,750
-I got it.
-With multiple partners, so...
1240
00:51:02,833 --> 00:51:05,083
That's great. Bruce, I'm...
1241
00:51:05,166 --> 00:51:06,708
I'm genuinely happy for you.
1242
00:51:07,916 --> 00:51:08,833
Thanks, Emily.
1243
00:51:08,916 --> 00:51:11,541
That's actually the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.
1244
00:51:13,291 --> 00:51:15,958
-See what a relief this is?
-Yeah.
1245
00:51:16,041 --> 00:51:17,833
We should have done this
years ago.
1246
00:51:17,916 --> 00:51:20,041
The problem was we just acted
like it never happened.
1247
00:51:20,125 --> 00:51:21,333
I know. I hated it.
1248
00:51:21,416 --> 00:51:23,958
It just festered like
an open wound.
1249
00:51:24,041 --> 00:51:24,750
Right?
1250
00:51:24,833 --> 00:51:29,166
And I was just jealous of you
and James.
1251
00:51:29,250 --> 00:51:31,458
You were jealous of us?
1252
00:51:31,541 --> 00:51:33,666
-Yes.
-I was jealous of you guys.
1253
00:51:33,750 --> 00:51:35,333
Oh my God, no, you were not.
1254
00:51:35,416 --> 00:51:36,291
EMILY:
Yes!
1255
00:51:36,375 --> 00:51:37,750
About what?
1256
00:51:37,833 --> 00:51:41,375
You two could laugh about
anything, talk about anything.
1257
00:51:42,458 --> 00:51:45,333
James and I,
we were always just annoying,
1258
00:51:45,416 --> 00:51:46,958
and emotional,
1259
00:51:47,041 --> 00:51:50,041
and draining to the people who
cared about us most.
1260
00:51:50,125 --> 00:51:52,791
Well, you know,
if it makes you feel any better,
1261
00:51:54,000 --> 00:51:56,625
I don't think James wants to be
in a relationship with me either
1262
00:51:56,708 --> 00:51:58,458
right now.
1263
00:51:58,541 --> 00:51:59,833
I'm gonna go talk to him.
1264
00:52:01,583 --> 00:52:02,666
Thanks.
1265
00:52:02,750 --> 00:52:06,083
Oh, and if I get kicked out
of the house
1266
00:52:06,166 --> 00:52:09,208
and my penis gets
eaten by a zombie,
1267
00:52:10,333 --> 00:52:12,083
it's all your fault.
1268
00:52:12,166 --> 00:52:13,625
Okay, Bruce.
1269
00:52:13,708 --> 00:52:14,958
I'll work on it.
1270
00:52:15,041 --> 00:52:21,833
(♪♪♪)
1271
00:52:21,916 --> 00:52:25,583
(TYPING)
1272
00:52:25,666 --> 00:52:33,208
(♪♪♪)
1273
00:52:33,291 --> 00:52:34,625
I told you to leave me alone.
1274
00:52:36,000 --> 00:52:38,083
-What are you doing?
-I'm finishing my book.
1275
00:52:40,375 --> 00:52:42,166
What's it about?
1276
00:52:42,250 --> 00:52:44,625
It's about a sad loser
who gets dumped.
1277
00:52:44,708 --> 00:52:46,458
I've been struggling
to finish it,
1278
00:52:46,541 --> 00:52:49,500
but I've recently had a burst
of inspiration.
1279
00:52:49,583 --> 00:52:54,791
"And then she dies suddenly,
terribly, and embarrassing."
1280
00:52:54,875 --> 00:52:57,291
Come on, James.
Don't be so immature.
1281
00:53:02,666 --> 00:53:04,958
It happened a long time ago.
1282
00:53:05,041 --> 00:53:06,791
I can't change that now.
1283
00:53:08,750 --> 00:53:09,541
You could have told me about it
1284
00:53:09,625 --> 00:53:12,125
in the five years that
we were together, though.
1285
00:53:12,208 --> 00:53:13,250
You're right.
1286
00:53:13,333 --> 00:53:14,833
I should have.
1287
00:53:14,916 --> 00:53:16,708
But I didn't.
1288
00:53:16,791 --> 00:53:19,416
I thought it would create
problems in our relationship.
1289
00:53:19,500 --> 00:53:21,625
-(SCOFFS)
-I guess it did anyway.
1290
00:53:21,708 --> 00:53:22,750
Yep.
1291
00:53:23,875 --> 00:53:25,458
I'm sorry, James.
1292
00:53:26,500 --> 00:53:29,208
Would you have really preferred
me lying to you?
1293
00:53:29,291 --> 00:53:32,375
Emily, I don't really want
to talk to you right now, okay?
1294
00:53:32,458 --> 00:53:36,541
I, um, you broke my heart
and then you did it again.
1295
00:53:36,625 --> 00:53:39,083
And really, my only question
now is how many more times
1296
00:53:39,166 --> 00:53:39,833
can you possibly do it?
1297
00:53:39,916 --> 00:53:41,708
'Cause it's pretty fucking
shattered now.
1298
00:53:46,875 --> 00:53:49,000
Sounds like
you want me to leave.
1299
00:53:49,083 --> 00:53:51,125
Yeah, that would probably
be for the best.
1300
00:53:53,333 --> 00:53:54,625
Are you sure about that?
1301
00:53:56,791 --> 00:53:58,041
Yes, I am.
1302
00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:02,208
This was a bad idea.
1303
00:54:02,291 --> 00:54:04,125
I should have never come here
in the first place.
1304
00:54:04,208 --> 00:54:05,875
Yeah, I got a lot of work to do.
1305
00:54:05,958 --> 00:54:07,916
Yeah, you always did.
1306
00:54:10,500 --> 00:54:11,666
You know what?
1307
00:54:11,750 --> 00:54:13,666
You haven't changed one bit.
1308
00:54:13,750 --> 00:54:16,041
You're still a selfish
and insecure prick
1309
00:54:16,125 --> 00:54:17,625
and I can't believe I even
considered getting
1310
00:54:17,708 --> 00:54:19,000
back together with you.
1311
00:54:21,208 --> 00:54:22,750
Okay, is that all?
1312
00:54:24,375 --> 00:54:25,833
Have a nice life, James.
1313
00:54:30,541 --> 00:54:31,833
(SIGHS)
1314
00:54:36,833 --> 00:54:37,875
I'll talk to him.
1315
00:54:37,958 --> 00:54:39,333
I don't care anymore.
1316
00:54:39,416 --> 00:54:40,541
(SIGHS)
1317
00:54:40,625 --> 00:54:41,916
Goddamn it.
1318
00:54:46,583 --> 00:54:50,500
(TYPING)
1319
00:54:51,541 --> 00:54:53,041
Hey.
1320
00:54:53,125 --> 00:54:54,666
No, I don't want to fucking
talk to you either.
1321
00:54:54,750 --> 00:54:56,000
In fact, why don't you
go with her?
1322
00:54:56,083 --> 00:54:57,333
Right, you guys can go
have some fun
1323
00:54:57,416 --> 00:54:58,458
for old times' sake.
1324
00:54:58,541 --> 00:55:00,625
-Come on, man.
-Just go!
1325
00:55:01,708 --> 00:55:04,208
Look, just hear me out, okay?
1326
00:55:04,291 --> 00:55:05,375
You don't have to say anything.
1327
00:55:05,458 --> 00:55:08,583
I'm sorry about what happened
with me and Emily.
1328
00:55:08,666 --> 00:55:09,666
Okay, I should have told you.
1329
00:55:09,750 --> 00:55:11,000
I was wrong.
1330
00:55:11,083 --> 00:55:13,125
You have every right
to be pissed, okay?
1331
00:55:13,208 --> 00:55:14,583
I'd be pissed, too.
1332
00:55:14,666 --> 00:55:16,833
But what you're doing right now
might be the biggest mistake
1333
00:55:16,916 --> 00:55:18,583
you've ever made
in your entire life.
1334
00:55:19,583 --> 00:55:21,541
Dude, you saw what those monsters are capable of.
1335
00:55:21,625 --> 00:55:24,208
They'll-- they'll chew
your fucking nuts off.
1336
00:55:24,291 --> 00:55:26,291
You're really gonna let Emily-- you're gonna
1337
00:55:26,375 --> 00:55:29,291
let me wander out into
the streets alone to die?
1338
00:55:29,375 --> 00:55:31,000
You're that cold-hearted?
1339
00:55:31,083 --> 00:55:33,375
I just-- I don't get it, man.
1340
00:55:33,458 --> 00:55:34,750
We're the only two people
on this planet
1341
00:55:34,833 --> 00:55:36,291
who give a shit about you.
1342
00:55:37,791 --> 00:55:40,416
Sorry, if I'm coming off like
a dick, but it's the truth.
1343
00:55:41,583 --> 00:55:44,666
I just-- I don't care anymore.
1344
00:55:44,750 --> 00:55:46,250
That's not the James I know.
1345
00:55:46,333 --> 00:55:48,250
Then maybe you don't know me
as well as you think you do.
1346
00:55:48,333 --> 00:55:50,708
Or maybe you've just forgotten
who you really are.
1347
00:55:51,708 --> 00:55:53,166
What are you doing?
1348
00:55:53,250 --> 00:55:57,166
Reminding you that
is the girl you love.
1349
00:55:57,250 --> 00:56:00,250
And that,
that's the guy you love.
1350
00:56:01,916 --> 00:56:04,083
Platonically, of course.
1351
00:56:04,166 --> 00:56:06,166
-So?
-So, dude,
1352
00:56:06,250 --> 00:56:08,708
today could possibly be the end
of the fucking world.
1353
00:56:08,791 --> 00:56:11,583
You need to decide if you
and Emily are over and you want
1354
00:56:11,666 --> 00:56:13,291
to make peace, or...
1355
00:56:15,166 --> 00:56:17,916
if you want to get back together
and you want to win her back.
1356
00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:21,250
But this self-loathing bullshit
needs to stop.
1357
00:56:21,333 --> 00:56:23,041
What's it gonna be?
1358
00:56:23,125 --> 00:56:24,125
I don't know.
1359
00:56:25,125 --> 00:56:29,125
Just, why don't you tell me
how you two met?
1360
00:56:29,208 --> 00:56:30,583
What's that gonna solve?
1361
00:56:30,666 --> 00:56:32,916
Please, dude, tell me.
I want to know.
1362
00:56:35,166 --> 00:56:37,375
We were at the Cineplex Odeon.
1363
00:56:37,458 --> 00:56:39,083
It was a midnight screening
of THX
1364
00:56:39,166 --> 00:56:41,000
and we were
the only two people there.
1365
00:56:41,083 --> 00:56:44,250
The projector broke halfway
through and when the guy came
1366
00:56:44,333 --> 00:56:46,500
to fix it,
I went and sat next to her.
1367
00:56:46,583 --> 00:56:48,375
You know, introduced myself.
1368
00:56:48,458 --> 00:56:51,791
"Hey, I'm James,
a hungry novelist who loves
1369
00:56:51,875 --> 00:56:54,458
George Lucas and aspires
to be as influential."
1370
00:56:55,583 --> 00:56:59,875
She was an amateur photographer
who admired him just as much.
1371
00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:01,166
And she loved dogs.
1372
00:57:02,250 --> 00:57:03,833
And she was just--
1373
00:57:03,916 --> 00:57:06,958
She could really express
herself, you know?
1374
00:57:07,041 --> 00:57:10,916
Talked about who she was
and who she wanted to be.
1375
00:57:13,166 --> 00:57:14,416
She'd never read
any James Joyce,
1376
00:57:14,500 --> 00:57:16,750
but had read all Stephen King.
1377
00:57:16,833 --> 00:57:20,083
She loved the classic
Incredible Hulk with Bill Bixby
1378
00:57:20,166 --> 00:57:21,625
and Lou Ferrigno.
1379
00:57:21,708 --> 00:57:24,250
She thought Boba Fett died
like a chump.
1380
00:57:24,333 --> 00:57:26,958
She knew Empire was the best
Star Wars.
1381
00:57:29,041 --> 00:57:31,166
She liked Disneyland,
but only when it was raining.
1382
00:57:32,625 --> 00:57:34,208
That first night we talked
1383
00:57:34,291 --> 00:57:36,083
and talked through
the whole movie,
1384
00:57:36,166 --> 00:57:37,541
never even looking
at the screen.
1385
00:57:37,625 --> 00:57:41,083
And when it was over, we walked
and talked about anything
1386
00:57:41,166 --> 00:57:42,833
and everything.
1387
00:57:42,916 --> 00:57:45,208
And before we knew it, we were
in the middle of nowhere
1388
00:57:45,291 --> 00:57:46,583
and we didn't care.
1389
00:57:46,666 --> 00:57:49,250
We just turned around
and walked right back,
1390
00:57:49,333 --> 00:57:50,625
talking the whole way.
1391
00:57:51,833 --> 00:57:53,041
And that night I just...
1392
00:57:54,416 --> 00:57:56,541
I knew she was perfect.
1393
00:57:57,833 --> 00:58:00,250
That no one could compare
to her.
1394
00:58:00,333 --> 00:58:01,500
And that...
1395
00:58:03,416 --> 00:58:05,208
Holy shit!
1396
00:58:05,291 --> 00:58:07,333
I have to get her back.
1397
00:58:07,416 --> 00:58:08,708
That's your answer right there.
1398
00:58:08,791 --> 00:58:10,833
-Oh my God, Bruce.
-I know.
1399
00:58:10,916 --> 00:58:12,583
-I don't want to lose her.
-I know.
1400
00:58:12,666 --> 00:58:13,916
I've been a fucking asshole.
1401
00:58:14,000 --> 00:58:16,416
Complete, gaping,
stinky fucking asshole.
1402
00:58:16,500 --> 00:58:19,000
JAMES:
Jesus Christ, dude.
The imagery sometimes.
1403
00:58:19,083 --> 00:58:21,083
Let's go get
your girlfriend back.
1404
00:58:21,166 --> 00:58:22,791
(SIGHS) Let's do that.
1405
00:58:22,875 --> 00:58:27,708
-(SIREN WAILING)
-(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
1406
00:58:28,916 --> 00:58:30,166
(SIGHS)
1407
00:58:34,041 --> 00:58:34,916
(FIRING IN DISTANCE)
1408
00:58:35,000 --> 00:58:37,208
Jesus Christ.
1409
00:58:37,291 --> 00:58:39,583
Goddamn it. Just go.
1410
00:58:39,666 --> 00:58:41,041
-Shut up.
-(FIRING IN DISTANCE)
1411
00:58:41,125 --> 00:58:42,500
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
1412
00:58:43,791 --> 00:58:46,416
(BLASTS)
1413
00:58:46,500 --> 00:58:47,916
(JAMES SIGHS)
1414
00:58:50,291 --> 00:58:52,000
Shit, man.
It's spooky out here.
1415
00:58:52,083 --> 00:58:53,416
I know.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
1416
00:58:53,500 --> 00:58:54,541
I hope she's okay.
1417
00:58:54,625 --> 00:58:57,500
Holy shit. Dude, look at the size of this thing. Dibs.
1418
00:58:57,583 --> 00:58:58,875
No, no, no, no, no.
1419
00:58:58,958 --> 00:59:00,083
-What?
-It's the maintenance guy's.
1420
00:59:00,166 --> 00:59:01,583
Dude, fuck the maintenance guy.
1421
00:59:01,666 --> 00:59:03,125
He's probably dead
for all we know.
1422
00:59:03,208 --> 00:59:04,833
That is a badass axe.
1423
00:59:04,916 --> 00:59:07,083
And we could kill some fucking
zombies with that thing.
1424
00:59:07,166 --> 00:59:09,583
Plus, God put that here
for a reason.
1425
00:59:09,666 --> 00:59:11,083
Okay, fine, but we have
to put it back when we're done.
1426
00:59:11,166 --> 00:59:12,708
-Fine, whatever.
-You got to remind me.
1427
00:59:12,791 --> 00:59:14,333
-Okay, I will.
-Okay.
1428
00:59:14,416 --> 00:59:16,291
Now let's go get
your girlfriend back.
1429
00:59:16,375 --> 00:59:18,416
-Let's go get her.
-(SIGHS)
1430
00:59:18,500 --> 00:59:20,208
-Hey, James.
-Yeah?
1431
00:59:20,291 --> 00:59:23,416
Remember when I told you I had slept with like,
1432
00:59:23,500 --> 00:59:25,083
hundreds of ladies?
1433
00:59:25,166 --> 00:59:26,416
Uh-huh.
1434
00:59:26,500 --> 00:59:27,791
That's true.
1435
00:59:27,875 --> 00:59:29,583
-Really?
-Okay, it's not true.
1436
00:59:29,666 --> 00:59:31,750
Yeah, I know, Bruce.
1437
00:59:31,833 --> 00:59:34,416
But I have like
made sex with women before.
1438
00:59:34,500 --> 00:59:36,208
Yeah, typically,
when you have sex,
1439
00:59:36,291 --> 00:59:38,416
you're not the kind
of person who's ever made sex.
1440
00:59:38,500 --> 00:59:39,916
All right, then I won't talk
about sex anymore.
1441
00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:41,250
Let's just not talk about
anything for a little bit.
1442
00:59:41,333 --> 00:59:43,416
-Fine.
-(EMILY SCREAMS IN DISTANCE)
1443
00:59:43,500 --> 00:59:44,750
-(GROWLS)
-That was Emily.
1444
00:59:44,833 --> 00:59:46,750
Holy shit, dude.
1445
00:59:46,833 --> 00:59:48,333
It's Miss Jones' place.
1446
00:59:48,416 --> 00:59:49,416
You mean Beverly?
1447
00:59:49,500 --> 00:59:50,666
What, no, Miss Jo--
1448
00:59:50,750 --> 00:59:52,541
Wait, when did you get
on first-name basis with her?
1449
00:59:52,625 --> 00:59:54,500
Since, like today. You're not?
1450
00:59:54,583 --> 00:59:55,791
No. Did something happen?
1451
00:59:55,875 --> 00:59:57,458
-What?
-What? Why'd you-- how'd you--
1452
00:59:57,541 --> 00:59:59,250
I don't care.
I don't care. I don't care.
1453
01:00:03,750 --> 01:00:05,833
I've always wondered
what it looked like back here.
1454
01:00:05,916 --> 01:00:07,583
I have not wondered that.
1455
01:00:11,458 --> 01:00:12,541
What the fuck?
1456
01:00:12,583 --> 01:00:13,791
She's a cop?
1457
01:00:13,875 --> 01:00:15,166
BRUCE:
Not just a cop.
1458
01:00:15,250 --> 01:00:17,333
She's a fucking detective, dude.
1459
01:00:17,416 --> 01:00:18,500
Oh, dude.
1460
01:00:18,583 --> 01:00:19,750
Fresh donuts.
1461
01:00:22,583 --> 01:00:24,041
JAMES:
Dude, drop the donuts.
We gotta go.
1462
01:00:33,583 --> 01:00:34,916
Shit.
1463
01:00:35,000 --> 01:00:36,708
-This is scary.
-Shut up.
1464
01:00:41,916 --> 01:00:42,916
What are you doing
on the ground?
1465
01:00:44,291 --> 01:00:45,916
I'm losing blood.
1466
01:00:46,000 --> 01:00:47,625
Oh, fuck, dude!
1467
01:00:47,708 --> 01:00:49,375
(SCREAMS)
1468
01:00:50,666 --> 01:00:51,875
(GROWLING)
1469
01:00:51,958 --> 01:00:53,791
Oh, Je-- Jesus Christ.
1470
01:00:53,916 --> 01:00:55,708
Okay.
1471
01:00:55,791 --> 01:00:57,125
Miss Jones!
1472
01:00:57,208 --> 01:00:59,208
BRUCE:
Dude, is-- is that--
is that a clothing iron?
1473
01:00:59,291 --> 01:01:00,708
Maybe she was ironing
when she turned.
1474
01:01:00,791 --> 01:01:02,958
Yeah, well, she's fucking
death-gripping the thing.
1475
01:01:03,041 --> 01:01:05,583
Miss Jones, hi.
James here. How's it going?
1476
01:01:05,666 --> 01:01:07,208
-How are you doing?
-Dude, what are you doing?
1477
01:01:07,291 --> 01:01:09,208
-She can't fucking hear you.
-I should try.
1478
01:01:09,291 --> 01:01:10,166
She might be in there somewhere.
1479
01:01:10,250 --> 01:01:11,875
No, dude.
She's a fucking zombie.
1480
01:01:11,958 --> 01:01:14,000
She's gonna eat your fucking
face off.
1481
01:01:14,083 --> 01:01:15,958
You gotta--
1482
01:01:16,041 --> 01:01:17,375
Miss Jones!
1483
01:01:17,458 --> 01:01:18,458
Hello? Miss Jones.
1484
01:01:18,541 --> 01:01:19,666
See, dude, she's fucking gone.
1485
01:01:19,750 --> 01:01:22,000
-Just-- just kill her ass.
-Oh, God.
1486
01:01:22,083 --> 01:01:23,250
-I'm so sorry, but this is--
-You got this.
1487
01:01:23,333 --> 01:01:24,875
Okay, okay. I really like you.
1488
01:01:24,958 --> 01:01:26,750
(GRUNTS)
1489
01:01:26,833 --> 01:01:30,000
♪ And so you're back
from outer space ♪
1490
01:01:31,625 --> 01:01:33,625
-Oh my God.
-You got it, buddy.
1491
01:01:33,708 --> 01:01:36,458
-(GROWLING)
-(SCREAMS)
1492
01:01:36,541 --> 01:01:41,083
-(GRUNTING)
1493
01:01:42,333 --> 01:01:43,916
JAMES:
Okay, oh my gosh, okay.
1494
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:45,625
Okay, okay, okay.
1495
01:01:45,708 --> 01:01:48,416
(GRUNTS)
1496
01:01:48,500 --> 01:01:49,458
Oh, yeah, that's gotta hurt.
1497
01:01:49,541 --> 01:01:51,500
♪ You're not welcome anymore ♪
1498
01:01:51,583 --> 01:01:55,250
(GROWLING)
1499
01:01:56,458 --> 01:01:57,875
Ah, you took my move!
1500
01:01:57,958 --> 01:01:59,666
♪ You think
I'd lay down and die? ♪
1501
01:01:59,750 --> 01:02:01,375
♪ Oh, no, not I ♪
1502
01:02:01,458 --> 01:02:03,083
James, you're doing good, buddy.
1503
01:02:03,166 --> 01:02:04,208
I love it.
1504
01:02:04,291 --> 01:02:08,250
(GRUNTING)
1505
01:02:08,333 --> 01:02:10,083
♪ I've got all my life
to live ♪
1506
01:02:10,166 --> 01:02:11,791
♪ I've got all my love to give ♪
1507
01:02:11,875 --> 01:02:12,958
You got this, man.
1508
01:02:13,041 --> 01:02:14,208
You can fucking do it.
1509
01:02:14,291 --> 01:02:16,166
Okay, okay.
1510
01:02:16,250 --> 01:02:18,333
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
1511
01:02:18,416 --> 01:02:19,875
Stop it.
1512
01:02:21,916 --> 01:02:23,458
Okay, okay.
1513
01:02:23,541 --> 01:02:25,166
Okay, okay, okay.
1514
01:02:25,250 --> 01:02:26,250
No, stop.
1515
01:02:27,875 --> 01:02:29,250
Okay, now go back.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
1516
01:02:29,333 --> 01:02:33,083
(GROWLING)
1517
01:02:33,166 --> 01:02:34,250
Oh yes.
1518
01:02:34,333 --> 01:02:37,375
Oh my God, really cool.
That was awesome.
1519
01:02:37,458 --> 01:02:39,041
Yeah, where the fuck were you?
1520
01:02:39,125 --> 01:02:40,875
-I was in the bathroom.
-I can't even understand.
1521
01:02:40,958 --> 01:02:42,500
Emily.
1522
01:02:42,583 --> 01:02:44,541
BRUCE:
Oh, are we gonna lift
this thing?
1523
01:02:44,625 --> 01:02:46,166
-JAMES: Yeah.
-BRUCE: Jesus.
1524
01:02:46,250 --> 01:02:47,583
JAMES:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1525
01:02:47,666 --> 01:02:49,583
Okay, all right.
It's really fucking--
1526
01:02:49,666 --> 01:02:50,875
Okay.
1527
01:02:50,958 --> 01:02:52,583
Okay.
1528
01:02:58,083 --> 01:03:00,000
Let me just-- hold on,
sorry.
1529
01:03:01,541 --> 01:03:03,375
BRUCE:
You all right in there?
1530
01:03:03,458 --> 01:03:05,291
PARROT:
Fuck you.
1531
01:03:05,375 --> 01:03:06,625
This fucking bird.
1532
01:03:06,708 --> 01:03:08,500
-Yes, we're okay.
-BRUCE: Damn it.
1533
01:03:08,583 --> 01:03:08,958
JAMES:
We're okay.
1534
01:03:09,041 --> 01:03:10,708
BRUCE:
Why are we bringing
this stupid fucking thing?
1535
01:03:10,791 --> 01:03:12,250
We can't leave it in there.
1536
01:03:12,333 --> 01:03:13,583
Ow.
1537
01:03:14,958 --> 01:03:16,500
Come on, hurry.
1538
01:03:26,250 --> 01:03:27,500
BRUCE:
Goddamn it.
1539
01:03:28,708 --> 01:03:32,208
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
1540
01:03:32,291 --> 01:03:34,708
The president has now declared
1541
01:03:34,791 --> 01:03:38,166
martial law in the city
of Los Angeles.
1542
01:03:38,250 --> 01:03:41,250
All residents are urged
to remain indoors
1543
01:03:41,333 --> 01:03:42,791
until further notice.
1544
01:03:42,875 --> 01:03:46,083
Any unauthorized individuals
found in the streets
1545
01:03:46,166 --> 01:03:47,958
will be treated
as a potential threat
1546
01:03:48,041 --> 01:03:52,208
to national security and will be
dealt with accordingly.
1547
01:03:52,291 --> 01:03:55,000
In other news,
soy milk futures have dropped
1548
01:03:55,083 --> 01:03:56,791
significantly
in the last 24 hours.
1549
01:03:56,875 --> 01:03:58,375
Goddamn it.
1550
01:03:58,458 --> 01:04:00,375
Ted, fuck.
1551
01:04:00,458 --> 01:04:01,916
You guys hear that?
1552
01:04:02,000 --> 01:04:03,875
Soy milk futures are down.
1553
01:04:05,625 --> 01:04:07,416
There goes my whole portfolio.
1554
01:04:09,125 --> 01:04:10,166
(SIGHS)
1555
01:04:10,250 --> 01:04:11,291
Oh, God.
1556
01:04:11,375 --> 01:04:12,916
She really dug her teeth in.
1557
01:04:16,208 --> 01:04:17,333
So...
1558
01:04:18,500 --> 01:04:20,000
where did it all go wrong?
1559
01:04:23,500 --> 01:04:25,250
With us?
1560
01:04:25,333 --> 01:04:27,250
You really want to know?
1561
01:04:27,333 --> 01:04:27,875
I do.
1562
01:04:27,958 --> 01:04:29,375
EMILY:
I don't think you can handle it.
1563
01:04:30,958 --> 01:04:33,208
I-- I think I can.
1564
01:04:33,291 --> 01:04:34,375
Okay.
1565
01:04:36,708 --> 01:04:39,916
You spent all your time with
that dinosaur you call computer
1566
01:04:40,000 --> 01:04:41,958
writing obscure nothingness.
1567
01:04:42,041 --> 01:04:43,708
You're stuck in the past, James.
1568
01:04:43,791 --> 01:04:45,375
No wonder
you can't move forward.
1569
01:04:45,458 --> 01:04:46,750
-Wait.
-All your love
1570
01:04:46,833 --> 01:04:48,708
spent on that stupid book.
1571
01:04:48,791 --> 01:04:50,333
Nothing left over for me.
1572
01:04:50,416 --> 01:04:52,791
Your life put on hold
and for what?
1573
01:04:52,875 --> 01:04:55,708
No, no. I-- I think I finally found my inspiration.
1574
01:04:55,791 --> 01:04:57,958
Well, that's great for you,
but unfortunately--
1575
01:04:58,041 --> 01:04:59,958
JAMES:
If you would just let me talk.
1576
01:05:02,166 --> 01:05:04,458
Right. Um, okay.
1577
01:05:04,583 --> 01:05:05,875
Okay.
1578
01:05:07,416 --> 01:05:11,000
I'm sorry that
I was a terrible boyfriend.
1579
01:05:11,083 --> 01:05:12,583
And I was.
1580
01:05:12,666 --> 01:05:16,958
I was distant and very bad
at communicating.
1581
01:05:17,041 --> 01:05:20,541
-EMILY: Mm-hmm.
-And I-- I didn't see you.
1582
01:05:20,625 --> 01:05:22,583
And more than anything,
I'm sorry that it took a day
1583
01:05:22,666 --> 01:05:26,041
like today for me
to see how amazing you are.
1584
01:05:26,125 --> 01:05:28,208
And how much I want to fight
for you.
1585
01:05:28,291 --> 01:05:31,000
So, what do you say?
1586
01:05:34,666 --> 01:05:35,750
No.
1587
01:05:37,208 --> 01:05:38,458
No?
1588
01:05:38,541 --> 01:05:41,125
I'm sorry, it's not that easy.
1589
01:05:44,833 --> 01:05:46,500
Okay. Two seconds.
1590
01:05:52,875 --> 01:05:54,666
-Oh my God.
-(FRIDGE DOOR CLOSES)
1591
01:05:54,750 --> 01:05:56,000
Oh.
1592
01:05:57,125 --> 01:05:58,166
Wow.
1593
01:05:58,250 --> 01:06:03,416
(GULPING)
1594
01:06:05,791 --> 01:06:07,041
EMILY:
Okay.
1595
01:06:07,125 --> 01:06:15,666
(♪♪♪)
1596
01:06:15,750 --> 01:06:20,958
I can't imagine living
on this planet without you.
1597
01:06:21,041 --> 01:06:23,666
So if I have to become
a mindless zombie as
1598
01:06:23,750 --> 01:06:27,541
we both just fade into the dust,
at least we can be together.
1599
01:06:31,166 --> 01:06:34,750
I can't take you back
right away,
1600
01:06:34,833 --> 01:06:37,750
especially after everything
that's happened.
1601
01:06:39,041 --> 01:06:40,333
But it's a start.
1602
01:06:41,833 --> 01:06:44,625
Oh no, James.
1603
01:06:44,708 --> 01:06:46,875
-You didn't.
-I did.
1604
01:06:46,958 --> 01:06:49,166
(SIGHS) Jesus.
1605
01:06:49,250 --> 01:06:50,166
You two have put me in a
1606
01:06:50,250 --> 01:06:53,125
seriously fucked-up
love triangle.
1607
01:06:53,208 --> 01:06:56,458
I want you both to know that
when you turn into zombies,
1608
01:06:56,541 --> 01:06:58,041
I'm going to kill you both
1609
01:06:58,125 --> 01:07:00,500
and claim squatter's rights,
so I can live here forever.
1610
01:07:00,583 --> 01:07:02,833
-Hope that's cool.
-Yeah, that seems fair.
1611
01:07:04,750 --> 01:07:06,791
I think I have an ending
for your book.
1612
01:07:06,875 --> 01:07:08,041
Really?
1613
01:07:08,125 --> 01:07:09,666
Mm-hmm. You want to hear it?
1614
01:07:09,750 --> 01:07:11,250
Yeah, I do.
1615
01:07:11,333 --> 01:07:15,041
The guy finally wins over
the girl, they fall deeply,
1616
01:07:15,125 --> 01:07:19,375
madly in love,
and they die happily ever after.
1617
01:07:19,458 --> 01:07:21,208
-The end.
-That's good.
1618
01:07:21,291 --> 01:07:22,833
I'd read that. Mm-hmm.
1619
01:07:22,916 --> 01:07:25,000
-I love it.
-Me too.
1620
01:07:25,083 --> 01:07:34,375
(♪♪♪)
1621
01:07:44,541 --> 01:07:49,250
♪ Yeah, one, two princes kneel
before you ♪
1622
01:07:49,333 --> 01:07:50,708
♪ That's what I said now ♪
1623
01:07:50,791 --> 01:07:53,916
♪ Princes,
princes who adore you ♪
1624
01:07:54,000 --> 01:07:55,375
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
1625
01:07:55,458 --> 01:07:58,708
♪ One has diamonds
in his pocket ♪
1626
01:07:58,791 --> 01:08:00,083
♪ And that's some bread now ♪
1627
01:08:00,166 --> 01:08:03,291
♪ This one said he wants
to buy you rockets ♪
1628
01:08:03,375 --> 01:08:04,500
♪ Ain't in his head now ♪
1629
01:08:04,583 --> 01:08:08,875
♪ Yeah ♪
1630
01:08:08,958 --> 01:08:11,250
♪ Doo, doo, doo
doo, doo, doo, doo ♪
1631
01:08:11,333 --> 01:08:13,875
A doo-dobba, dobba, dobba,
dobba, dobba, dobba
1632
01:08:13,958 --> 01:08:17,041
♪ This one,
he got a princely racket ♪
1633
01:08:17,125 --> 01:08:18,583
♪ That's what I said now ♪
1634
01:08:18,666 --> 01:08:21,791
♪ Got some big seal
upon his jacket ♪
1635
01:08:21,875 --> 01:08:23,166
♪ Ain't in his head now ♪
1636
01:08:23,250 --> 01:08:26,583
♪ You marry him,
your father will condone you ♪
1637
01:08:26,666 --> 01:08:27,666
♪ How about that now ♪
1638
01:08:27,750 --> 01:08:31,083
♪ You marry me,
your father will disown you ♪
1639
01:08:31,166 --> 01:08:32,416
♪ He'll eat his hat now ♪
1640
01:08:32,541 --> 01:08:35,541
♪ Marry him or marry me,
I'm the one that loves you ♪
1641
01:08:35,625 --> 01:08:36,583
♪ Baby, can't you see
1642
01:08:36,666 --> 01:08:38,958
I ain't got no
future or family tree? ♪
1643
01:08:39,041 --> 01:08:41,583
♪ But I know what a prince
and lover ought to be ♪
1644
01:08:41,666 --> 01:08:43,416
♪ I know what a prince
and lover ought to be ♪
1645
01:08:43,500 --> 01:08:47,083
♪ Said if you want
to call me baby
1646
01:08:47,166 --> 01:08:48,375
Just go ahead now ♪
1647
01:08:48,458 --> 01:08:51,666
♪ And if you like
to tell me maybe
1648
01:08:51,750 --> 01:08:53,125
Just go ahead now ♪
1649
01:08:53,208 --> 01:08:56,333
♪ And if you want
to buy me flowers ♪
1650
01:08:56,416 --> 01:08:57,708
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
1651
01:08:57,791 --> 01:09:02,458
♪ And if you would like to talk
for hours, just go ahead now ♪
1652
01:09:12,375 --> 01:09:21,458
(♪♪♪)
1653
01:10:00,458 --> 01:10:10,083
(♪♪♪)
1654
01:10:32,583 --> 01:10:33,833
(WHISTLING)
1655
01:10:37,000 --> 01:10:39,958
Good morning, sleepyheads.
1656
01:10:40,041 --> 01:10:41,291
Yikes.
1657
01:10:42,750 --> 01:10:44,416
How do you feel?
1658
01:10:44,500 --> 01:10:45,791
Like shit.
1659
01:10:45,875 --> 01:10:48,333
I'm not sure though if that's
because I'm becoming a zombie
1660
01:10:48,416 --> 01:10:51,041
or because I'm super hungover.
1661
01:10:51,125 --> 01:10:52,333
Well, you came
to the right place,
1662
01:10:52,416 --> 01:10:54,791
because I just brewed up
a couple of prairie oysters.
1663
01:10:54,875 --> 01:10:56,416
-Do, do, do, do.
-No, I am not doing that again.
1664
01:10:56,500 --> 01:10:58,708
-Yes, you are.
-JAMES: I am not going to.
1665
01:10:58,791 --> 01:11:00,833
-Prairie what?
-Prairie oysters.
1666
01:11:00,916 --> 01:11:03,416
BRUCE:
It's a hangover remedy invented by James Bond.
1667
01:11:04,833 --> 01:11:06,000
Don't let the Bond thing
fool you, though.
1668
01:11:06,083 --> 01:11:07,416
It tastes like shit.
1669
01:11:07,500 --> 01:11:08,708
All right.
1670
01:11:10,083 --> 01:11:11,666
Admittedly, it did help, so.
1671
01:11:12,666 --> 01:11:15,750
I mean, I'll do anything
to get rid of this headache, so.
1672
01:11:15,833 --> 01:11:17,666
-Bottoms up.
-Bottoms up.
1673
01:11:19,541 --> 01:11:20,791
Mm.
1674
01:11:24,041 --> 01:11:25,125
It's not terrible.
1675
01:11:25,208 --> 01:11:27,875
Okay, now I want you both to try
1676
01:11:27,958 --> 01:11:32,000
my world famous
bacon egg sandwich.
1677
01:11:32,083 --> 01:11:34,041
Okay, now that I'll do.
1678
01:11:34,125 --> 01:11:35,416
BRUCE:
Take a big bite, would you?
1679
01:11:37,166 --> 01:11:38,291
(MUNCHES)
1680
01:11:38,375 --> 01:11:39,458
Mm.
1681
01:11:41,250 --> 01:11:43,083
-Oh my God.
-(CHUCKLING)
1682
01:11:43,166 --> 01:11:45,541
Bruce, oh, this is amazing.
1683
01:11:45,625 --> 01:11:46,750
-You really think so?
-Mm-hmm.
1684
01:11:46,833 --> 01:11:48,291
You haven't lost your touch?
1685
01:11:48,375 --> 01:11:50,625
Wow, Rory was not joking
1686
01:11:50,708 --> 01:11:52,666
when he said that you are
a sandwich artiste.
1687
01:11:52,750 --> 01:11:55,291
-Oh man, you really think so?
-Yes.
1688
01:11:55,375 --> 01:11:57,500
If this is my last meal,
I can die happy.
1689
01:11:57,583 --> 01:11:58,625
That's really sweet, Emily.
1690
01:11:58,708 --> 01:11:59,708
Thank you.
1691
01:12:01,083 --> 01:12:02,208
Wait a second.
1692
01:12:03,416 --> 01:12:04,416
What's wrong?
1693
01:12:05,500 --> 01:12:06,250
-James.
-JAMES: Yeah.
1694
01:12:06,333 --> 01:12:07,791
Look at Emily's face.
1695
01:12:07,875 --> 01:12:10,166
Oh my God. Wait, what?
1696
01:12:10,250 --> 01:12:12,166
Yeah, we've already established
that I look like shit.
1697
01:12:12,250 --> 01:12:13,541
No, no, you look amazing.
1698
01:12:13,625 --> 01:12:15,333
You look like perfect.
1699
01:12:15,416 --> 01:12:16,666
BRUCE:
So beautiful right now.
1700
01:12:16,750 --> 01:12:17,958
Well, come on.
1701
01:12:18,041 --> 01:12:21,791
No, it's almost like you look-- you look cured.
1702
01:12:23,625 --> 01:12:24,958
Holy shit.
1703
01:12:26,833 --> 01:12:28,625
How is that even possible?
1704
01:12:28,708 --> 01:12:30,416
I have no idea.
1705
01:12:32,041 --> 01:12:35,041
Dude, I think
it's the prairie oyster.
1706
01:12:35,125 --> 01:12:36,458
No, no way.
1707
01:12:36,541 --> 01:12:37,833
Yes, think about it.
1708
01:12:37,916 --> 01:12:39,000
You had one yesterday
1709
01:12:39,083 --> 01:12:41,041
and you're showing no symptoms right now.
1710
01:12:41,125 --> 01:12:42,958
You're right.
I actually feel amazing.
1711
01:12:44,291 --> 01:12:45,791
Do you know what this means,
Bruce?
1712
01:12:45,875 --> 01:12:46,625
What?
1713
01:12:46,708 --> 01:12:49,125
If you found the cure
for the Agnes virus,
1714
01:12:49,208 --> 01:12:50,791
you're gonna be a hero.
1715
01:12:52,166 --> 01:12:53,583
Fuck being a hero.
1716
01:12:53,666 --> 01:12:55,375
I'm about to be a billionaire.
1717
01:12:55,458 --> 01:12:56,541
I need to let the world know.
1718
01:12:56,625 --> 01:12:57,708
James, give me the phone.
1719
01:12:57,791 --> 01:12:58,916
Yeah, yeah, sure.
1720
01:12:59,000 --> 01:13:00,208
There you go.
1721
01:13:01,208 --> 01:13:02,166
Who are you calling?
1722
01:13:02,250 --> 01:13:03,458
(DIALING)
1723
01:13:03,541 --> 01:13:04,791
Ted Sommers, bitch.
1724
01:13:04,875 --> 01:13:06,125
Channel 11 News.
1725
01:13:06,208 --> 01:13:07,958
-You just know the number?
-By heart.
1726
01:13:08,041 --> 01:13:11,291
-(PHONE RINGING)
-Love those guys.
1727
01:13:11,375 --> 01:13:12,333
(SIGHS)
1728
01:13:12,416 --> 01:13:14,250
It's ringing. This is good.
1729
01:13:14,333 --> 01:13:15,875
CHANNEL 11 OPERATOR:
Channel 11, how can I direct your call?
1730
01:13:15,958 --> 01:13:19,583
Hey, uh, this
is Bruce Springsteen
1731
01:13:19,666 --> 01:13:21,000
calling for Ted Sommers.
1732
01:13:21,083 --> 01:13:21,583
CHANNEL 11 OPERATOR:
Hold please.
1733
01:13:21,666 --> 01:13:23,041
No, I'm not gonna fucking hold.
1734
01:13:23,125 --> 01:13:27,458
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
1735
01:13:41,583 --> 01:13:42,833
You better wrap things up.
1736
01:13:42,916 --> 01:13:44,208
It's about to start soon.
1737
01:13:44,291 --> 01:13:46,833
Yeah, this is for my publisher.
1738
01:13:46,916 --> 01:13:49,083
Very big day for this guy.
1739
01:13:49,166 --> 01:13:50,333
Is that a new printer?
1740
01:13:50,416 --> 01:13:51,625
Yes, it is.
1741
01:13:52,625 --> 01:13:53,750
I'm proud of you.
1742
01:13:55,125 --> 01:13:56,875
You think this is gonna be
your masterpiece?
1743
01:13:58,541 --> 01:13:59,666
I know it is.
1744
01:14:02,541 --> 01:14:04,000
-Bruce.
-Yes?
1745
01:14:04,083 --> 01:14:07,458
Many are calling you
a "national hero".
1746
01:14:07,541 --> 01:14:10,000
Do you feel like a hero?
1747
01:14:10,083 --> 01:14:11,541
-That's me.
-Yeah, it is.
1748
01:14:11,625 --> 01:14:12,958
Come on, Ted.
1749
01:14:13,041 --> 01:14:14,083
(LAUGHS)
1750
01:14:14,166 --> 01:14:16,375
You know, if you're looking
for a real hero,
1751
01:14:16,458 --> 01:14:17,625
his name is James Bond.
1752
01:14:17,708 --> 01:14:20,333
Taught me everything I know
about the prairie oyster.
1753
01:14:20,416 --> 01:14:22,708
Now tell me, how does one go
1754
01:14:22,791 --> 01:14:26,458
from being unemployed
for over three years
1755
01:14:26,541 --> 01:14:28,458
to solving a health crisis?
1756
01:14:28,541 --> 01:14:30,208
That's a great question, Ted.
1757
01:14:30,291 --> 01:14:31,375
It's fairly simple.
1758
01:14:31,458 --> 01:14:33,208
I'm not really great
at anything in general,
1759
01:14:33,291 --> 01:14:35,791
other than getting all messed up
and trying to figure out how
1760
01:14:35,875 --> 01:14:37,458
to avoid a hangover.
1761
01:14:37,541 --> 01:14:39,625
The rest
of it was basically being
1762
01:14:39,708 --> 01:14:41,750
in the right place
at the right time.
1763
01:14:41,833 --> 01:14:46,541
Some would say you're the most
celebrated person on the planet.
1764
01:14:46,625 --> 01:14:48,083
How does that make you feel?
1765
01:14:48,208 --> 01:14:49,458
Pretty great, Ted.
1766
01:14:49,541 --> 01:14:50,916
Pretty great.
1767
01:14:51,000 --> 01:14:52,375
(LAUGHS)
1768
01:14:52,458 --> 01:14:54,666
Well, everyone wants to know
1769
01:14:54,750 --> 01:14:56,875
what's next
for Bruce Springsteen,
1770
01:14:56,958 --> 01:14:59,791
the sandwich artist,
not the boss?
1771
01:14:59,875 --> 01:15:01,666
-Stein. Springstein.
-Sorry about that.
1772
01:15:01,750 --> 01:15:02,500
(BRUCE CLEARS THROAT)
1773
01:15:02,583 --> 01:15:05,625
Well, you know,
I was thinking after I graduate
1774
01:15:05,708 --> 01:15:06,500
culinary school,
1775
01:15:06,583 --> 01:15:08,875
I'll open a sandwich shop with
my good buddy Rory.
1776
01:15:08,958 --> 01:15:09,916
I mean, he inspired me
1777
01:15:10,000 --> 01:15:11,250
to get back in the kitchen
in the first place.
1778
01:15:11,333 --> 01:15:14,083
-I'm proud of you, Bruce.
-I love you, buddy.
1779
01:15:14,166 --> 01:15:17,375
Then I'd like
to open an animal rescue with
1780
01:15:17,458 --> 01:15:18,708
-my friend Emily.
-(GASPS)
1781
01:15:18,791 --> 01:15:20,250
BRUCE:
And after that, hopefully write
1782
01:15:20,333 --> 01:15:21,208
a book about this entire
crazy experience--
1783
01:15:21,291 --> 01:15:23,333
Bruce!
1784
01:15:23,416 --> 01:15:25,583
BRUCE:
--with my best friend James,
because he's a novelist,
1785
01:15:25,666 --> 01:15:27,625
and also because he saved
my life.
1786
01:15:27,708 --> 01:15:29,666
Yeah, I, for sure,
didn't save any lives.
1787
01:15:29,708 --> 01:15:32,500
No, no,
you almost killed us all.
1788
01:15:32,583 --> 01:15:35,125
Sounds like you've got some
really wonderful friends, Bruce.
1789
01:15:35,208 --> 01:15:36,958
I really do.
I really do, Ted.
1790
01:15:37,041 --> 01:15:39,375
-Woo!
-Oh, yeah. There you go.
1791
01:15:39,458 --> 01:15:41,083
Thank you, thank you.
1792
01:15:41,166 --> 01:15:43,000
You're a fucking hero
these days.
1793
01:15:45,125 --> 01:15:47,041
Oh, shit, dude.
1794
01:15:47,125 --> 01:15:48,083
Look.
1795
01:15:48,166 --> 01:15:49,625
Oh, all of our old friends.
1796
01:15:49,708 --> 01:15:51,166
BRUCE:
Yeah.
1797
01:15:51,250 --> 01:15:53,916
Still smiling after everything
they've been through.
1798
01:15:54,000 --> 01:15:55,208
Amazing.
1799
01:15:56,416 --> 01:15:58,625
JAMES:
You know, the doctors were able
to save the jogger's leg.
1800
01:16:00,166 --> 01:16:02,666
Truly incredible what they can do these days,
1801
01:16:02,750 --> 01:16:04,791
-medical people, you know?
-Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
1802
01:16:06,291 --> 01:16:07,458
I should have been a doctor.
1803
01:16:08,791 --> 01:16:12,750
Oh, look. It's Beverly
and her asshole parrot.
1804
01:16:13,750 --> 01:16:15,041
Dude, she looks great.
1805
01:16:15,125 --> 01:16:16,250
BRUCE:
Yes, she does.
1806
01:16:17,250 --> 01:16:20,625
Yes, she does.
1807
01:16:21,833 --> 01:16:22,958
Mm.
1808
01:16:24,083 --> 01:16:26,333
You know,
you really saved the world, man.
1809
01:16:26,416 --> 01:16:28,458
Yes, I did.
1810
01:16:30,375 --> 01:16:33,041
I'm honored to call you
my best friend.
1811
01:16:34,333 --> 01:16:35,541
Me too, buddy.
1812
01:16:38,875 --> 01:16:39,958
-Oh.
-Oh.
1813
01:16:41,125 --> 01:16:44,916
Ah, yeah, that--
that's not good.
1814
01:16:45,000 --> 01:16:46,208
Oh.
1815
01:16:47,958 --> 01:16:50,541
Maybe it's like some kind of,
I don't know.
1816
01:16:50,625 --> 01:16:51,875
Um.
1817
01:16:51,958 --> 01:16:53,916
-Dude.
-What?
1818
01:16:54,000 --> 01:16:56,708
Ah, your face.
1819
01:16:59,000 --> 01:17:01,541
Turn it up. Turn it up!
1820
01:17:01,625 --> 01:17:03,583
TED:
On the Agnes virus outbreak,
1821
01:17:03,666 --> 01:17:05,625
the Centers for Disease Control
have deemed
1822
01:17:05,708 --> 01:17:10,375
the prairie oyster antidote
only temporarily effective.
1823
01:17:10,458 --> 01:17:13,541
To be clear,
CDC scientists have concluded
1824
01:17:13,625 --> 01:17:16,000
that the antidote
is ineffective against
1825
01:17:16,083 --> 01:17:18,875
the long-term effects
of the Agnes virus.
1826
01:17:18,958 --> 01:17:20,208
-Washington officials are said--
-Fuck, Ted.
1827
01:17:20,291 --> 01:17:23,041
...to be deploying alternative
containment measures
1828
01:17:23,125 --> 01:17:24,708
as we speak.
1829
01:17:24,791 --> 01:17:26,375
-Reports are coming in from...
-(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
1830
01:17:26,458 --> 01:17:28,541
...all across the city about
infected persons wandering
1831
01:17:28,625 --> 01:17:30,000
-the streets aimlessly.
-What the hell is that?
1832
01:17:32,000 --> 01:17:35,166
Air raid sirens.
The big red button.
1833
01:17:35,208 --> 01:17:38,125
Guess I'm not really great
at anything in general, am I?
1834
01:17:38,208 --> 01:17:40,833
That's not true, man.
You're a great best friend.
1835
01:17:42,083 --> 01:17:43,000
Thanks, buddy.
1836
01:17:43,083 --> 01:17:49,666
(♪♪♪)
1837
01:17:49,750 --> 01:17:51,750
So this is the end of the world?
1838
01:17:51,833 --> 01:17:52,833
As we know it.
1839
01:17:53,875 --> 01:17:55,916
It's a lot different
than I pictured it.
1840
01:17:57,125 --> 01:17:58,583
Looks pretty good from here.
1841
01:18:01,166 --> 01:18:03,750
So, what do you say?
1842
01:18:03,833 --> 01:18:05,083
Will you take me back?
1843
01:18:06,541 --> 01:18:08,125
I hate you.
1844
01:18:08,208 --> 01:18:09,458
I know.
1845
01:18:12,041 --> 01:18:15,375
♪ I'll be waiting to show her ♪
1846
01:18:18,375 --> 01:18:21,666
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
1847
01:18:24,291 --> 01:18:27,541
♪ Over and over ♪
1848
01:18:29,291 --> 01:18:37,916
(♪♪♪)
1849
01:18:49,291 --> 01:18:50,333
BRUCE:
Now, let's go to Seattle now.
1850
01:18:50,416 --> 01:18:52,208
I'm not going right now.
1851
01:18:52,291 --> 01:18:53,666
BRUCE:
Let's go to Seattle, dude.
1852
01:18:53,750 --> 01:18:56,000
-(LAUGHING)
-What is it? Spun--
1853
01:18:56,083 --> 01:18:57,166
-What is it?
-JAMES: Space Trains.
1854
01:18:57,250 --> 01:18:58,833
-Space Trains.
-JAMES: Oh, no.*
1855
01:18:58,916 --> 01:19:00,833
(LAUGHS)
1856
01:19:04,375 --> 01:19:06,833
(LAUGHS)
1857
01:19:06,916 --> 01:19:08,166
Russell, there you go. Yeah.
1858
01:19:08,250 --> 01:19:09,291
-BRUCE: No.
-He's a jerk--
1859
01:19:09,375 --> 01:19:11,000
(LAUGHTER)
1860
01:19:11,083 --> 01:19:12,708
Yeah, oof.
1861
01:19:12,791 --> 01:19:14,041
I'm just here
to report the news.
1862
01:19:14,125 --> 01:19:17,375
-I can't get involved.
-(SCREAMING)
1863
01:19:17,458 --> 01:19:18,541
It looks very painful.
1864
01:19:18,625 --> 01:19:19,750
I understand your yelling.
1865
01:19:19,833 --> 01:19:21,583
BRUCE:
Maybe we can like
go out sometime.
1866
01:19:21,666 --> 01:19:23,000
Ooh. Yeah.
1867
01:19:23,083 --> 01:19:24,708
Yeah. Uh-huh.
1868
01:19:24,791 --> 01:19:26,041
Yeah,
I'll buy you some new shoes.
1869
01:19:26,125 --> 01:19:27,375
Woo-hoo!
1870
01:19:29,041 --> 01:19:32,625
Thank you, Ted. I--
I'm very blessed and fortunate.
1871
01:19:32,708 --> 01:19:34,916
I know a lot of people out there
don't have any friends.
1872
01:19:35,000 --> 01:19:37,625
Yeah.
Many people lost loved ones.
1873
01:19:37,708 --> 01:19:39,458
They did. They sure did.
1874
01:19:39,541 --> 01:19:40,916
Um, yeah.
1875
01:19:42,500 --> 01:19:47,000
After you go back to, I wanted
to say sandwich school, but--
1876
01:19:47,083 --> 01:19:49,750
(LAUGHS)
1877
01:19:49,833 --> 01:19:52,541
After you go back
to the culinary institute
1878
01:19:52,625 --> 01:19:55,625
and you start this
animal rescue, you said.
1879
01:19:55,708 --> 01:19:57,083
-Yeah.
-Um,
1880
01:19:57,166 --> 01:19:59,458
are you an animal lover, Bruce?
1881
01:20:01,208 --> 01:20:03,583
Not really.
No, it's not really about me.
1882
01:20:03,666 --> 01:20:05,041
It's more about Emily.
1883
01:20:05,125 --> 01:20:06,666
-That's her thing.
-I see.
1884
01:20:06,750 --> 01:20:09,125
Yeah.
-So you just plan to support her
1885
01:20:09,208 --> 01:20:11,291
and the shelter financially?
1886
01:20:12,458 --> 01:20:13,708
If that's what it takes.
1887
01:20:13,791 --> 01:20:15,625
If that's what it takes, Ted.
1888
01:20:15,708 --> 01:20:19,916
I've never really been much
of an animal guy personally.
1889
01:20:20,000 --> 01:20:21,041
They stink.
1890
01:20:21,125 --> 01:20:22,791
And you got
to clean up after them.
1891
01:20:22,875 --> 01:20:23,916
But it's okay.
1892
01:20:24,000 --> 01:20:25,708
-I won't be there.
-Right. Right.
1893
01:20:25,791 --> 01:20:30,041
But it's good to put your name
on things that are looked at
1894
01:20:30,125 --> 01:20:33,250
as positive in the world.
1895
01:20:33,333 --> 01:20:35,708
So a lot
of people like animal rescues.
1896
01:20:35,791 --> 01:20:37,083
Emily does.
1897
01:20:37,166 --> 01:20:39,375
So I do.
1898
01:20:39,458 --> 01:20:41,541
Okay, I-- I can understand that.
1899
01:20:41,625 --> 01:20:43,958
I, for one,
don't like dog barks.
1900
01:20:44,041 --> 01:20:45,750
(LAUGHS)
1901
01:20:45,833 --> 01:20:46,916
I'm with you there.
1902
01:20:47,000 --> 01:20:49,708
They can make me jump
out of my skin.
1903
01:20:49,791 --> 01:20:51,666
And they make me very angry,
too.
1904
01:20:51,750 --> 01:20:53,708
-They surprise me.
-Yes. Yeah.
1905
01:20:53,791 --> 01:20:57,541
Shock me. But I know many animals are wonderful.
1906
01:20:57,625 --> 01:20:58,583
Sure.
1907
01:20:58,666 --> 01:21:00,291
And you're going to write
a book about all of this,
1908
01:21:00,375 --> 01:21:02,291
you hope?
1909
01:21:02,375 --> 01:21:07,291
Well, I will be doing a bit
of the ghost, what do they say?
1910
01:21:07,375 --> 01:21:08,708
-Is it ghost writing?
-Ghost writing.
1911
01:21:08,791 --> 01:21:10,166
Oh, no, no, that's not right.
1912
01:21:10,250 --> 01:21:11,541
I will be uh--
1913
01:21:11,625 --> 01:21:13,916
Well, your friend will be ghost writing for you, I believe.
1914
01:21:14,000 --> 01:21:15,208
Yes. That's what I meant.
1915
01:21:15,291 --> 01:21:16,583
Yes.
James will be the ghost writer.
1916
01:21:16,666 --> 01:21:17,875
James will be the ghost writer,
1917
01:21:17,958 --> 01:21:19,958
and I will take all
of the credit.
1918
01:21:20,041 --> 01:21:22,208
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-I don't know.
1919
01:21:22,291 --> 01:21:24,583
How do you think James
will feel about that?
1920
01:21:24,666 --> 01:21:27,125
We'll find out
when he sees this interview.
1921
01:21:28,666 --> 01:21:30,666
Hey, I got a little whiskey
there for you.
1922
01:21:30,750 --> 01:21:33,125
-It's top shelf.
-Oh, I-- I don't doubt it.
1923
01:21:33,208 --> 01:21:35,083
You're very kind, Bruce,
but if I have one,
1924
01:21:35,166 --> 01:21:37,291
I'll have a thousand. (LAUGHS)
1925
01:21:37,375 --> 01:21:39,208
I'd like to see that.
1926
01:21:39,291 --> 01:21:40,875
I don't think you would.
1927
01:21:42,000 --> 01:21:43,125
I would like to see that.
1928
01:21:43,208 --> 01:21:44,583
It gets quite ugly.
1929
01:21:44,666 --> 01:21:46,083
I-- I would I--
1930
01:21:46,166 --> 01:21:48,333
You're making me want
to see this even more.
1931
01:21:48,416 --> 01:21:50,375
I may be making you want
to see it,
1932
01:21:50,458 --> 01:21:53,625
but trust me, once you saw it,
you would be filled with regret.
1933
01:21:53,708 --> 01:21:55,083
No, no, no.
1934
01:21:55,166 --> 01:21:57,375
I've never--
I never regret anything.
1935
01:21:57,458 --> 01:21:58,875
Oh, well.
1936
01:21:58,958 --> 01:22:01,041
No regrets.
That's my life motto.
1937
01:22:01,125 --> 01:22:02,666
That's one way to live,
I suppose.
1938
01:22:02,750 --> 01:22:04,208
I certainly have regrets.
1939
01:22:04,291 --> 01:22:05,333
Oh, yeah?
1940
01:22:05,416 --> 01:22:06,875
Millions and millions.
1941
01:22:06,958 --> 01:22:08,375
Oh, man.
1942
01:22:08,458 --> 01:22:10,208
Maybe hundreds, I don't--
1943
01:22:10,291 --> 01:22:11,666
I don't think I've been alive
long enough
1944
01:22:11,750 --> 01:22:13,166
to have millions of regrets.
1945
01:22:13,250 --> 01:22:15,375
But this interview
isn't about me.
1946
01:22:15,458 --> 01:22:17,458
-It's about you, Bruce.
-That's right, it is.
1947
01:22:17,541 --> 01:22:18,875
So, no regrets?
1948
01:22:18,958 --> 01:22:20,000
No regrets.
1949
01:22:20,083 --> 01:22:21,375
I'm a lucky man.
1950
01:22:21,458 --> 01:22:23,041
Very fortunate.
1951
01:22:23,125 --> 01:22:25,833
I appreciate you letting us
into your beautiful home here.
1952
01:22:25,916 --> 01:22:28,500
Oh, I-- no problem.
Of course. Anytime.
1953
01:22:28,583 --> 01:22:29,583
It's not really my home.
1954
01:22:29,666 --> 01:22:31,916
It's James',
the one with the novel.
1955
01:22:32,000 --> 01:22:34,250
Oh, I see. I see.
1956
01:22:34,333 --> 01:22:37,041
Did you ever read his book,
Space in Tr--
1957
01:22:37,125 --> 01:22:39,208
-Trains in Space?
-Trains in Space.
1958
01:22:39,291 --> 01:22:41,333
I believe I've heard of it.
1959
01:22:41,416 --> 01:22:42,750
-Great book.
-Is it?
1960
01:22:42,833 --> 01:22:44,166
-I never read it.
-Oh, no.
1961
01:22:44,250 --> 01:22:45,583
(LAUGHS)
1962
01:22:45,666 --> 01:22:46,958
-Well, that's all.
-Don't tell him.
1963
01:22:47,041 --> 01:22:48,041
Don't tell anybody.
1964
01:22:48,125 --> 01:22:50,583
I have a feeling he's gonna
see this interview.
1965
01:22:52,083 --> 01:22:54,750
I feel a lot of people are going
to see this interview.
1966
01:22:54,833 --> 01:22:57,208
-I sure hope so.
-I hope so, too.
1967
01:22:57,291 --> 01:22:58,666
I sure hope so.
1968
01:22:58,750 --> 01:23:01,125
Well, Ted, I've got to say,
I have, you know,
1969
01:23:01,208 --> 01:23:02,958
I've been a fan of yours
for a really long time.
1970
01:23:03,041 --> 01:23:06,416
And I-- I-- anytime you want
to have me back on,
1971
01:23:06,500 --> 01:23:08,333
I'm-- I'm honored.
1972
01:23:08,416 --> 01:23:10,166
-Oh my goodness. Thank you.
-I'm honored.
1973
01:23:10,250 --> 01:23:11,750
Thank you so much, Bruce.
1974
01:23:11,833 --> 01:23:15,666
I-- I don't often hear such words of sincere encouragement,
1975
01:23:15,750 --> 01:23:16,750
and I--
and I deeply appreciate it.
1976
01:23:16,833 --> 01:23:19,625
You know, there was a lot
of people that wanted
1977
01:23:19,708 --> 01:23:21,250
to do this interview.
1978
01:23:21,333 --> 01:23:25,500
Phil Donahue, Geraldo Rivera,
but I chose you,
1979
01:23:25,583 --> 01:23:29,125
because I love Channel 11 News.
1980
01:23:30,416 --> 01:23:33,125
Um, thank you.
1981
01:23:33,208 --> 01:23:37,875
Bruce, that is deeply moving
to me that you would choose me
1982
01:23:37,958 --> 01:23:42,083
over such giants
of the news business.
1983
01:23:42,166 --> 01:23:44,500
You, my friend, are a giant.
1984
01:23:47,708 --> 01:23:50,708
Oh, thank you, Bruce, um...
1985
01:23:51,791 --> 01:23:53,166
-(LAUGHS)
-You okay there, Ted?
1986
01:23:53,250 --> 01:23:54,875
I think
we're gonna have to cut.
1987
01:23:54,958 --> 01:23:56,125
(LAUGHS)
1988
01:23:56,208 --> 01:24:04,208
(♪♪♪)
133171
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.