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1
00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,560
Throngs of people outside still waiting
for the bride to appear.
2
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,720
She's not in there. I can feel it.
3
00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:48,800
Any moment now, she should
be leaving the hotel.
4
00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,680
I overestimated her. I thought
she'd be more elusive.
5
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:15,960
- I don't understand what's happening.
- What is going on here?
6
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:25,880
I don't think they want us to know
which one the real bride is.
7
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,080
The streets are full of brides,
the skies are full of brides,
8
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,160
the press doesn't know which way is up.
9
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,720
- I'm a genius. Still no sign
of Marco Ballani? - None.
10
00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:26,040
- Our intelligence says he's
gone skiing. - Now?
11
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:31,120
Then we're good.
12
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:58,680
Hello?
13
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,640
You! What the hell are
you doing in there?
14
00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,520
I am the wedding photographer.
15
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,440
Can I have the tall people at the back?
16
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:11,240
- OK, buster, fun's over.
- How long have you been in there?
17
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:15,240
Oh, my God. This is not soda.
18
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:20,400
I'm gonna kill you!
19
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:34,040
- You are ruining my life!
- I've ruined plenty of lives.
20
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:39,440
You're nothing special.
21
00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,640
You abscess!
22
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:47,920
When I do get married, you will not
even know what continent I'm on!
23
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,040
Marco Ballani, you golden Roman god!
24
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,720
I will not be defeated by
that disease of a man.
25
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,680
We're gonna have to disappear
completely.
26
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,720
We can get married in outer space.
27
00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,360
Or the lost underwater
kingdom of Atlantis?
28
00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,560
Outer space? I don't think you can yet.
29
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:18,920
Is that what your intelligence
tells you?
30
00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:24,080
We're gonna have to go somewhere
crazy remote.
31
00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:28,720
Hi, Mum.
32
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,600
Oh, no.
33
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:36,800
- What's happened?
- Nothing. I'm fine.
34
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:44,840
- I'm fine. - Well, that's good.
Just so long as you're fine.
35
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,360
Are you going somewhere?
36
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:51,600
I don't suppose you're in
the mood for a wedding?
37
00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:53,840
There is somebody out there for you,
38
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,800
somebody sensitive and
faithful and kind.
39
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,400
But you'll never meet him
if you're hiding here.
40
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,600
Good. I don't want to meet him.
He sounds like a twat.
41
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,040
I'm like kryptonite to men.
42
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:10,360
Kryptonite dipped in cellulite.
43
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,600
So, what's new on Hegg?
Give me the headlines.
44
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,120
One of Donald's sheep drowned.
45
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:22,160
They had to fish it out
with a curtain rail.
46
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,640
- Hello.
- Mild out, isn't it, Iseabail?
47
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,280
It's this global warming.
48
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:32,960
- Katie's back.
- Are we late?
49
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:38,160
Too late to marry him.
50
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:46,400
Quick!
51
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:51,680
Sorry. No.
52
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:57,120
Hi, Angus.
53
00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:02,400
You're too late, Katie Nic
Aodh. He's mine now!
54
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,800
There's always the Oban tinker. He'll
be visiting come September.
55
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,800
And he's keen to marry
on account of his leg.
56
00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:14,040
I'll marry you, Katie. How old
will you be in eight years?
57
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:19,240
- 40.
- Could have gone to 36.
58
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,280
- The return of the native.
- Hello, Laird.
59
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,760
That was quite the entrance, Katie.
60
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,480
And continuing the theme of
my public humiliation,
61
00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,160
I may need my old job back.
62
00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,280
What happened to your
fancy Edinburgh job
63
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,040
at the trouser catalogue?
64
00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,280
I ran out of ways to describe pockets.
65
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,520
If you don't mind me saying, Katie,
66
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,520
you've always had such a
terrible taste in men.
67
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,480
I know. I've gone man vegan.
68
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,680
They say after the first six years
you don't miss them any more.
69
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,000
You've picked the right spot to try it.
70
00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:06,080
There are no single men left on
Hegg, are there, after today?
71
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:11,520
Except for me, of course.
72
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,800
Perhaps you'll dance with me later on.
73
00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,080
You'll not be forgetting
Hegg law, Laird.
74
00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:22,160
- You must dance with us all. Eldest
to youngest. - Oh, yes.
75
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,280
The dance of the dead.
76
00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:29,400
Which means I should get to you
about 4:30 in the morning.
77
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,160
So,
78
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,400
how long are you back for?
79
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,480
Well, actually, I'm thinking
of staying.
80
00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,520
I thought you said nothing
ever happened here.
81
00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:47,680
No. Well, nothing happening
is becoming more appealing.
82
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:53,520
So, this is all very grown-up.
You've a wife
83
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,440
- and a beard.
- Well,
84
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,760
Muireen thinks differently
of beards than you.
85
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,960
And marriage.
86
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,360
Look, I truly hope you'll be...
87
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:12,440
Aye.
88
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,840
Hegg: An Island History,
89
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,680
The Definitive Guide.
By Katie Nic Aodh.
90
00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,720
£5 a copy. We split the proceeds.
91
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:02,800
A guidebook to here? Don't be mad.
92
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,160
Come see our disused toilet
93
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,000
that may or may not be haunted
by the ghost of a drowned cow.
94
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,040
You see? We need to channel
this raw, creative energy.
95
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:15,200
Else you're liable to get restless
and go wandering off again.
96
00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,440
Nobody's going to buy
a guidebook to Hegg.
97
00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:22,520
Unless it's cheaper than
our toilet paper.
98
00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,240
A marketing conference? Here?
99
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,240
- The tide has turned.
- For the marketeers.
100
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:34,360
£1 each or £1.50 with hair.
101
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,640
They want my castle, just
as it is, for a week.
102
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,720
- Good luck to them.
- This is a beautiful island, Katie.
103
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,640
In a way...
104
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:48,520
New beginnings. It's like
the whale all over again.
105
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:52,240
You're not too young to remember
the whale, Laird?
106
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,800
- No, I remember.
- There'll be money in this lot too.
107
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,920
No throwing yourself at the
men visitors, Katie.
108
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:02,480
We don't want them thinking this is
the Orkneys where anything goes.
109
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,480
Now, Katie, chop chop. Chapter One,
110
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,240
in which a young woman and her laird
111
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,160
rescue their island from
certain doom by writing
112
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:15,240
a brilliant guidebook.
113
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,000
The island of Hegg lies half-drowned
and wind-battered,
114
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,840
the furthermost drop of
the outermost spray
115
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,360
of the curling wave of
the Outer Hebrides.
116
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,840
It has a population of 75,
117
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,960
a majority of whom are
probably about...
118
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:41,160
75. Or even older.
119
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,520
Though Hegg no doubt
has a certain charm,
120
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,400
it has never been a popular
stop on the tourist trail.
121
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:51,520
Even the Vikings never showed
the slightest interest in us.
122
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:56,160
But the islanders remain a hardy
and resourceful people.
123
00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:01,440
All those under 50 are now
married, except one.
124
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,840
The island has one B&B
125
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,680
which offers the traditional Scottish
breakfast of haggis,
126
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,200
sausage, chips and beans, or if you're
feeling more metropolitan,
127
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,560
you can have the continental breakfast,
128
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:17,360
a bread roll, two Weetabix
and a Snickers bar.
129
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,440
Have we got any Michelin
stars I can put up?
130
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:23,440
- Are you not cold? Can I get
you a coat? - I'll be fine.
131
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:27,760
- As always. - You think?
- I'll be dying either way.
132
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,240
I've got to get out of here, Katie.
I've never been anywhere.
133
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,880
And I want to see the world,
overdose on daiquiris
134
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:39,000
and be thrown into a volcano.
But you need money for that.
135
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:44,320
If they ask, we had two stars
but they fell off.
136
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:50,120
Welcome to the Sunshine,
Hegg's only B&B.
137
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,040
We have rooms available.
138
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,120
- We're looking for the castle.
- We're marketing people.
139
00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,040
I'll take you there... for a tenner.
140
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,200
Mum!
141
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:05,280
I'll take you.
142
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,680
Oh, my God.
143
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,600
Do you like it?
144
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:19,640
It's spectacular.
145
00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:24,920
And that was the last we any
of us saw of the Americans.
146
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,680
'The gilt work glistened proudly.'
147
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:46,760
'Time had in no way diminished the
splendours of this castle.'
148
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:51,920
We're dead. Lara's expecting to walk
straight into his stupid book.
149
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:57,200
She's not gonna blame you, Steve.
She is a reasonable woman.
150
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,400
Get me an office, a landline,
steeplejacks, welders,
151
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,760
£20,000 in cash, 50,000
gallons of water,
152
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,840
the construction crew from
Bonnie Prince Charlie
153
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:19,000
and a cappuccino.
154
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,680
A seal. Look. How cute.
155
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,240
I've no idea where we are,
but it's perfect.
156
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:44,040
'The sea turns and shakes
its manacles of salt
157
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:48,040
at the sharp rocks on which
too many waves have died.'
158
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,200
What's that?
159
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,400
It's you. Chapter 49 of
my favourite book.
160
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:59,000
- The Ornithologist's Wife.
- Really?
161
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:04,280
My husband is gonna be one of the great
writers of the 21 st century.
162
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:10,400
- So where are we exactly?
- You know where we are.
163
00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,560
Do I?
164
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:40,120
No!
165
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,840
It's just how you described it.
166
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,320
We're on Hegg.
167
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:55,120
You don't remember it from
your many research trips?
168
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,400
Hey, you guys.
169
00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:00,600
I don't know why we didn't
think of this before.
170
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,960
I'm sorry we can't have
friends and family.
171
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,240
But this is so special, isn't it?
172
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,880
It's perfect. And it's just us.
173
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:14,760
Let's go in. I have to see the
Hall of a Million Feathers.
174
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:20,040
- Should we? - Yes, you really
should. It's quite something.
175
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,320
Do you like your room?
176
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,560
We had 40 master craftsmen
working through the night.
177
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:52,760
- One of them was 80. - Why didn't you
just tell her I made it all up?
178
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,480
When Lara wants to go to the
Big Rock Candy Mountain,
179
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,080
I don't take her to Elm Street.
180
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,640
This is your first time
on Hegg, isn't it?
181
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,320
You Googled the entire book.
182
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:06,400
You're the first person ever
to have a problem with that.
183
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,880
I need some air.
184
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:13,440
There are only seven people in
the world who know we're here.
185
00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,280
Anybody asks, you're at
a marketing conference.
186
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:21,400
Keep your head down, and
wear a hat, Tolstoy.
187
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,040
If you can safely navigate
the many rabbit holes,
188
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,640
Hegg can be a great place to ramble.
189
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,360
And as the islanders say, if you
don't like the weather here,
190
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:45,480
just wait 20 minutes and maybe
you will. End of Chapter One.
191
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,760
Chapter Two: Hegg's top hot spots.
192
00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:01,400
The people of the island are rightly
proud of this ageing public amenity.
193
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:06,200
The ornate urinals are enamelled
in peacock colours,
194
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:11,400
while the cow-sized cubicle is...
195
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:17,120
genuinely frightening.
196
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:34,800
Laird.
197
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:46,040
Hello? Pretty sure that's
not a real cow.
198
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:51,280
Unless it's got hold of a kazoo.
199
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,000
- Sorry.
- Oh, no, no, really. I'm...
200
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,840
The laird of the island
has a similar hat.
201
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,240
Sorry to barge in on you, Mrs...
202
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,600
- Not Mrs.
- No, no. No.
203
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,680
I was just pretending to be
the ghost of this cow,
204
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:11,520
which, of course, sounds
completely mad.
205
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,000
Not at all.
206
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,600
Sorry. From the outside,
207
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,440
your home looks like it might
be open to the public.
208
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,280
My home?
209
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,640
You don't live here?
210
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,160
Not in this toilet, no.
211
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,720
Here we live in primitive dwellings
anthropologists like
212
00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,480
to call houses.
213
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:37,920
Please forgive me. I've spent a
lot of time with... hermits.
214
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,520
For someone in marketing, you're
not very good at lying.
215
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:46,440
I'm still quite junior.
216
00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:51,600
- Katie.
- I'm J...
217
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,760
John. John... son. John...
218
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,280
- John.
- John Johnson.
219
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,600
And I'm... I'm quite lost.
220
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:05,720
No wonder. That book isn't
right about anything.
221
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,240
You haven't read it. No one's read
it, not all the way through.
222
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,720
That's the only book ever
written about Hegg.
223
00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,720
Everybody who can read has read it.
224
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,040
- The Hegg Book Club gave it four
out of ten. - Four out of ten?
225
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,840
We thought it picked
up around page 600.
226
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,680
The architecture of the book was
probably quite deliberate.
227
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,120
Wow, the Hegg Book Club
are a tough crowd.
228
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:29,280
Oh, and the love story? I
didn't buy that at all.
229
00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,600
It was just soulless.
230
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,840
- Soulless? - Maybe his second
boo will be better.
231
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,120
- Is it out yet?
- Not yet, no.
232
00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,360
God. It's been years. Either he's very,
233
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,360
very blocked or it's even longer
than that one. Can you imagine?
234
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:49,480
Do you want me to carry it for a bit?
235
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,480
Oh, no, no, no. You want Iona.
236
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,520
There's no monastery here.
No monks. No miracles.
237
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,880
- That's OK.
- But no free accommodation here.
238
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:04,040
I believe in God so-so, but I'm
also very interested in yoga.
239
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:08,040
- Hung jury, you see. So no
discount. - No problem.
240
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,360
I will pay upfront, in full.
241
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,520
To be fair, he had to make it up.
242
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,080
You could cover Hegg in a pamphlet
of about five pages.
243
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,840
OK, I know where I am now.
244
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,400
Look, you're here to work, obviously.
245
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:29,120
But if you ever fancy a coffee,
I just live at the B&B over...
246
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,520
down there, with my mother.
247
00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,680
Just... I'm around most of the time,
248
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:40,160
and I'm a whole lot hotter than I look.
249
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,200
We've got so much...
250
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:46,520
marketing to do.
251
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,920
OK. This wasn't...
252
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,160
I wasn't... I don't any more.
253
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:59,280
I've gone vegan anyway.
254
00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,640
Yeah.
255
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,920
Sorry.
256
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:10,080
Bye.
257
00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,400
Room three.
258
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:20,080
Blessings.
259
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:25,760
It's a hobby. I hope to capture one
of your very rare birds on film.
260
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:30,480
We don't have any rare birds.
We have hedgehogs.
261
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,280
Yeah, well, I am here now.
262
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,520
I have just made the most unbelievable
263
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:40,640
- twat of myself.
- We have a guest.
264
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:49,760
- I don't trust this monk.
- People say they monkey around.
265
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,320
- I think he's a journalist.
- Why?
266
00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:01,520
Are you taking your pills properly?
267
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:22,600
Chapter One Jackson Kandinsky awoke
from hot dreams of lost things
268
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:37,440
and adjusted his testicular implant.
269
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:56,680
I'm a whole lot hotter than I look.
270
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:12,480
Yeah?
271
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,440
Are you sure it's so terribly
unlucky to make love
272
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,280
the night before the wedding?
273
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:42,160
I hate it when you beg for sex.
274
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:47,240
You are staggeringly beautiful.
275
00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,680
Starve me of yourself. Turn me concave
276
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,520
with caverns of longingness.
277
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:03,680
Oh, God. Did I write that? 'Longingness.'
It's not even a word.
278
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,880
No. That was just me saying
what I was thinking.
279
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:13,000
Oh, right. Sorry.
280
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:19,480
It finally got dark, then?
281
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:43,920
You're not a monk. And you're
not having my story.
282
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:55,160
Is that the Caledonian Press Agency?
283
00:25:55,480 --> 00:26:00,440
Visualise your cellulite melting!
284
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:08,280
Come on! You're doing really well!
285
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:36,040
Oh, my God.
286
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:45,440
This is good. Feel the burn.
287
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:52,160
Lara?
288
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,480
When you say 'kind of
like missing... '?
289
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,600
She's... She's totally gone.
290
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,320
OK, she saw him. Did he see her?
291
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,880
I don't know. He's disguised
as a wizard.
292
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:24,080
Some kind of brown wizard. And he's
in a tree right by the chapel.
293
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,920
How does he do this?
294
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:31,000
He's amazing.
295
00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:40,240
OK, he's in a tree. He wants
a photo of the happy couple.
296
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,840
Let's give it to him. We go through with
the wedding exactly as planned.
297
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,920
But with a stand-in. Ballani, convinced
he's at the real wedding,
298
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,400
takes his photo and leaves.
Then we go find Lara,
299
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,960
bring her back to the chapel
300
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,800
and do it all over again,
this time for real.
301
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:56,280
You are amazing also.
302
00:27:56,400 --> 00:28:00,800
- I'll go and tell James? - Don't tell
that Googling leech anything.
303
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:05,920
If James finds out Lara is missing,
he's gonna go looking for her...
304
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,400
Oh, you're in here. Anais-Anais, I'm
gonna do my own hair this time.
305
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:14,520
- Because I know what I want.
- Fine.
306
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,560
Everything all right?
307
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:22,160
- Yay.
- Yay.
308
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:26,480
- Good luck.
- All right.
309
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,520
But if James doesn't know that Lara
is missing, how is that gonna work?
310
00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:34,960
He has to think it's for real.
We need a decoy bride.
311
00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:37,520
None of you are right.
Too tall, too black.
312
00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:40,280
- I could do it.
- Don't be stupid.
313
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:43,120
Ballani knows you. He needs
to see you with James.
314
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:47,840
I just need somebody who can walk
20 feet without falling over.
315
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,120
Who was that awful girl?
316
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:54,080
- But I don't look anything like
Lara Tyler. - That's true,
317
00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,680
but neither does she until these
ladies get their hands on her.
318
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,720
- Hi.
- We think you're full of potential.
319
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,560
- No. Sorry.
- £200.
320
00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,040
I'm really not interested.
I'm off weddings.
321
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,960
£500. It's not a real wedding.
322
00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,320
Are they ever? I nearly bought
a wedding dress once.
323
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:17,760
- Cost the same as a Fiat Uno.
- £5,000.
324
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:21,000
Has somebody on the island
told you I'm a prostitute?
325
00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:24,920
I'm really not interested, and
my mum'll be back in a while
326
00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:27,000
and I said I'd cook her lunch, so...
327
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,040
One hour's improvisation. No
scenes of a sexual nature.
328
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:34,640
£5,000. You can do something
really nice for your poor,
329
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:39,840
sick mother.
330
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,000
What the flipping heck are they?
331
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:51,080
I'm going to temporarily immobilise
your nasolabial folds.
332
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,160
- What are you doing?
- It's just like bleach.
333
00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:57,280
- It'll make your hair lighter.
- No way.
334
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:00,360
She is not putting toilet
cleaner in my hair.
335
00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,200
Don't be a diva.
336
00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:08,280
No, no, no.
337
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:15,560
- Sorry.
- Hopeless.
338
00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,760
Let's just make extra sure.
339
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:59,400
You're an Oscar nominee.
You ooze confidence.
340
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,360
You define poise. You're the face that
launched a thousand campaigns.
341
00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,160
And your latest thing is
quoting Gertrude Stein.
342
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,720
At length and from memory.
343
00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:12,200
OK, Steve, we're in. He's not
inside we don't think.
344
00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:15,560
But safer to assume the place
is bugged. Over and out.
345
00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:20,720
Can you do an American accent?
346
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:49,480
Lara? You OK?
347
00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:56,760
Hi. Will you love her, comfort her,
348
00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:02,280
honour and protect her,
349
00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,880
and forsaking all others
be faithful to her
350
00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:08,640
for as long as you both shall live?
351
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,560
Sì.
352
00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:16,720
I will.
353
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,280
I will!
354
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:26,120
I, James Neil Arber, take you,
Lara Elizabeth Tyler,
355
00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:31,640
to be my wife, for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health...
356
00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,160
...to love and cherish
357
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:42,200
until death us do part. In the presence
of God, I take this vow.
358
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:49,280
I, Lara Elizabeth Tyler, take you,
359
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:55,520
James Neil Arber, to be my husband,
360
00:32:55,800 --> 00:33:02,400
to have and to hold from this day
forward, for better, for worse,
361
00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:06,080
for richer, for poorer,
362
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:08,320
sickness, health, love, death, cherish.
363
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,360
In the presence of God,
I make this vow.
364
00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:14,280
Who has the rings?
365
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,840
- Steve, what the hell's going on?
- I'll explain it to you later.
366
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:22,600
The ring text is optional, right?
367
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:26,280
I now pronounce you man and wife.
368
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:30,880
- You may kiss the bride.
- Who is this?
369
00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:33,040
John Johnson.
370
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,880
Toilet girl?
371
00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:38,200
We had to buy time to look for Lara.
372
00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:40,400
Who's we? Who's looking for her?
373
00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,960
- The gang.
- The gang of beauticians?
374
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:46,280
Are you mad? She could have
fallen off a cliff!
375
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,720
You think Ballani is gonna believe
this toilet attendant is my wife?
376
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,040
I am not a toilet attendant.
377
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:52,360
She has been hunted by the
press since she was 15.
378
00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:54,040
So, guess what, that makes her a bit
jumpy. And what have you done?
379
00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:58,320
You have lost her on a Hegg with the
one paparazzo she hates the most.
380
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:02,160
How... When did they do all this?
381
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,880
- This is my job, to protect her
career. - She's retiring.
382
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:11,440
- FYI, there's only you and her that
think that. - Steve. Steve!
383
00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,560
- What?
- Is that the press?
384
00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:20,160
Oh, God. How the hell did this happen?
385
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,720
Can I please have my clothes
and my cheque?
386
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:25,480
- My mother's expecting me.
- I'm gonna find her.
387
00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:28,600
We need is you charging around
attracting unwanted attention.
388
00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:33,160
Lara is missing. There might
be wolves out there.
389
00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,920
You're absolutely right. I
wasn't thinking straight.
390
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,800
Of course, If anybody can
find her, it's you.
391
00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,080
- This way, both of you.
- Thank you.
392
00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:46,160
This way. This is the back way out.
393
00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:53,720
- An hour, you said!
- Yeah, well, I'm full of shit.
394
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,880
There must be a way out.
395
00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,800
I am not a toilet attendant.
And I did tell you my name.
396
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,760
If only I could remember your name,
we could find a way out of here.
397
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,640
Sorry. It's cruel to give the
servants names, isn't it?
398
00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:08,760
Don't want to get too attached to them.
399
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,520
Give you a white dress and suddenly
everything's about you.
400
00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:16,600
- This is not your big day, Katie.
- Nor yours, apparently.
401
00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:23,320
You're having an 'Ornithologist's
Wife' themed wedding.
402
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:27,920
- And if we are?
- I suppose it could be worse.
403
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:31,280
I could be trapped inside
Stephen King's honeymoon.
404
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,320
Though apparently he's a nice guy.
405
00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:37,000
- How much are you getting paid for
this, in hillbilly money? - No.
406
00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:39,640
So why are we doing that?
407
00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:43,640
As long as they think Lara's in the
castle, they'll camp out there.
408
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:48,800
As long as they're out there,
they're not looking for Lara.
409
00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:52,480
Come on.
410
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:54,840
Strupak!
411
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:59,400
- Strupak! A pound.
- It's like tea.
412
00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:01,680
It is tea.
413
00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:05,160
Get a move on, you carnaptious bampot!
414
00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:08,200
There's money to be made.
415
00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:10,200
A pack of journalists just
stepped off the ferry
416
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:12,440
wi' more coming over the Minch.
417
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:17,520
It's like the whale all over again.
418
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:31,440
The happy couple. Nice arse.
419
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:37,400
What's this?
420
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:40,760
IPhone.
421
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,320
Diamond earrings.
422
00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:46,520
It's a party bag, isn't it?
423
00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:51,560
You're getting party bags
from your own wedding.
424
00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,720
You're too far gone to understand,
but it's so funny.
425
00:36:56,840 --> 00:37:01,360
I'm counting all my money on my very
expensive money-counting machine.
426
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:03,400
Bling! Bling!
427
00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:08,080
Hello? Eight times six million
428
00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:09,800
I'll just check for you.
429
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:14,080
Look, try to get your head round
this. I'm marrying Lara Tyler.
430
00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:20,440
I'm not marrying you. This is
Lara's idea... and my idea,
431
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:24,160
of a great wedding.
432
00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,560
If I were marrying you, we would be
in the place of your choosing.
433
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:29,640
The bar of some brightly lit 2 star
hotel, no doubt, draped in tinsel,
434
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:32,720
drinking German wine and watching
your cousins have sex in the car.
435
00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:37,120
- You're a horrible snob.
- So are you.
436
00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:42,320
What an eclectic library.
437
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:48,680
Signed. That's tragic.
438
00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,480
- Did you sign the register?
- You saw me. Why?
439
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,200
Is that the legal bit?
440
00:37:56,400 --> 00:38:01,360
- I think, in all the fuss, I may
have signed my own name. - So?
441
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:36,560
I can confirm that Lara
Tyler and James Arber
442
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:40,400
were finally married today in a small,
443
00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:42,480
tasteful private ceremony.
444
00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:46,320
They will be leaving for a secret
honeymoon destination
445
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:48,760
in the morning, but, as you can see,
446
00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:53,840
they will be spending their wedding
night in that turret there.
447
00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,960
That window there
448
00:38:57,120 --> 00:39:00,280
is where the action is.
449
00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:03,480
- Thank you.
- Is there a picture of the dress?
450
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:05,480
Don't get the bottom of the dress wet.
451
00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:07,120
Would you like me to take it off?
452
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,720
- You're not married already? I imagine
that might be helpful. - No.
453
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:12,240
I remember now. Not married.
454
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:14,880
But still a world authority
on romance in literature.
455
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,640
- When not cruising toilets for men.
- Parasite.
456
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:21,000
I hope she's made you sign a prenup.
457
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:25,040
- How did they fit you into
that dress? - She has.
458
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:28,040
How does that work exactly? When you
get divorced, does she get half
459
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:31,280
- of your unfinished books?
- I am no parasite.
460
00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,360
I didn't even live with
Lara until recently.
461
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:36,600
She built me this gazebo in
the grounds where I write.
462
00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:40,040
She keeps you in a shed at
the bottom of the garden
463
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,160
- like a tortoise.
- Look, you're what? Late 30s?
464
00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:45,520
- 30, just.
- Still living with your mum?
465
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:49,120
I am living with my mother temporarily
because she is sick.
466
00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:51,440
And what is it you do again? Are you
president of this Hegg Book Club?
467
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:55,720
- Or do you just administer their
medication? - I too am a writer.
468
00:39:55,920 --> 00:40:00,360
- A writer? Of what exactly? - Of something
that people actually read.
469
00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:02,560
- Do you write cereal packets?
- Look...
470
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:04,880
Do you write your name over and over
in the dirt on the back of trucks?
471
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:09,440
If you must know, I write for
an online menswear catalogue.
472
00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:14,080
A trouser catalogue. I
don't do it anymore.
473
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,160
What, 'five pairs of brown trousers
with elasticated waistbands,
474
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:19,120
£30 while stocks last?
' That kind of thing?
475
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:21,400
I have also written the official
guidebook to Hegg,
476
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:25,040
which is accurate than certain other
accounts of life on the island.
477
00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:28,280
That sounds fascinating.
478
00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:30,880
Any news? Have you found her?
479
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:34,880
Hello! This island is much bigger
than you said, OK? Over.
480
00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:39,080
Perhaps you'd like to do time in the
San Quentin nail bar instead.
481
00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:43,240
Keep looking. Over. And out.
482
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:45,480
Later.
483
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:47,160
Where is she?
484
00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:50,200
- So what are we going for,
then? Fat or thin? - Both.
485
00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:53,080
'Podgy Hollywood star looks gaunt
486
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:58,200
on happy day'?
487
00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,520
Assholes.
488
00:41:01,720 --> 00:41:05,520
- Hello. - Move along now, ma'am.
No one gets in the castle.
489
00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,200
She'll be lucky.
490
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:11,640
Would you have a portable telephone
that I could per chance borrow?
491
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:16,840
There's no reception, love.
Payphone in there.
492
00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:20,680
Can I have a ticket for
the telephone, please?
493
00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,040
Keep the triples coming. I'm buying.
494
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:28,040
Look at her. Flashing her cash
about like the Sheikh of Oman.
495
00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:33,200
As if the story was hers to sell.
496
00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:37,440
Hello. I am 'Stars Today'
and I am here to buy copy
497
00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:39,560
for our Lara Tyler wedding special.
498
00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:43,760
Nobody's seen anything and
there are no pictures.
499
00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:47,040
You mean you've got no pictures. Marco
Ballani will have pictures.
500
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:52,120
What, that Marco Ballani?
501
00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,320
Do you have the photo?
502
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:59,440
Marco! Have you got the photo?
503
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:03,760
I have nothing.
504
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:08,000
What's this nameless new book of
yours about, then, if it exists?
505
00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:14,320
It's about the end of the world as
seen through the eyes of God.
506
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,560
Oh, dear.
507
00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:21,520
Did no one tell you to write
about what you know?
508
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,480
She thinks you're a genius, doesn't
she? And you're trying
509
00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,200
to be one so you're good enough
to be with Lara Tyler.
510
00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:30,520
But it's left you totally
blocked. Pathetic.
511
00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:33,160
Still living with your mum, pretending
to be a movie star,
512
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:35,960
writing a guidebook about an island
no one will ever visit.
513
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:41,040
That's pathetic.
514
00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:48,080
I'm going to open my presents now.
515
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:54,880
Ah! Did you not get your picture?
516
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,320
- Do I know you?
- No, you do not.
517
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,880
No, I know only her.
518
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,480
Did you know she lived in
her pool for 2 weeks
519
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:07,240
before filming 'The Drowning'?
520
00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:10,520
I lived above her in
her pool house roof.
521
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:13,240
We are both obsessional compulsional
types, you know.
522
00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,760
- You didn't sell these?
- They are too personal.
523
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:21,000
And only now she has married
someone else do I realise...
524
00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:26,400
I love her. I am a cavern
of longingness.
525
00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:33,880
- Is that good English?
- Yeah.
526
00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:47,720
I don't get it.
527
00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:52,760
Lara and I like big cat documentaries.
Deal with it.
528
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:01,360
- What are you doing here?
- Where's Lara?
529
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:03,320
As if I'd tell you.
530
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:05,880
Behind the back of the world's
most fascinating woman,
531
00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:08,040
you drink champagne and you
cavort with prostitutes.
532
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:11,400
I'm not a prostitute.
533
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:15,240
- I'm his wife.
- She is a horrendous mistake.
534
00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:20,360
You have failed again to marry Lara.
This is a better match for you.
535
00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:33,120
I'm sorry but I can't take your call
right now If that's Random House,
536
00:44:33,240 --> 00:44:35,920
I've had a succession of computer
issues and an illness,
537
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:41,000
it's going really well and I'll be
mailing some chapters at the week.
538
00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:57,200
Well, it looks like I might have hit
on my very own Lara Tyler exclusive.
539
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:05,160
Are you gonna fight like a man
or just throw puffins at me?
540
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:23,640
I will find her. And when I
find her, I will have her.
541
00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:28,720
Not very likely.
542
00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:34,160
Look.
543
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,960
- What are you doing? - I'm just
nipping out for some milk.
544
00:45:58,080 --> 00:46:00,960
- What do you think you are? Tarzan?
- Lara's got a climbing wall.
545
00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:03,280
Of course she has.
546
00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:06,600
- It's been an absolute pleasure.
- Oh, I'm staying here, am I?
547
00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:09,760
What makes your girlfriend more of
a priority than my sick mother?
548
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:14,080
- There might be wolves out there.
- Wolves? There's no wolves.
549
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:17,480
We don't even have bees. She
might stand on a hedgehog,
550
00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:19,920
which would be good, actually,
because we're overrun.
551
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:23,600
Save it for the second edition of
your dreary little guidebook.
552
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:28,760
If there is one.
553
00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:33,840
Right, wait there. I'm coming
with you. I'm coming down.
554
00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:36,320
The pedalo's full of water. You'll
get the bottom of the dress wet.
555
00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:39,960
You'll be released back into the community
shortly. Get back inside!
556
00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:45,080
- Goodbye!
- Stupid nails.
557
00:47:44,240 --> 00:47:49,240
Don't look at my legs. Please.
558
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:54,800
You got the bottom of the dress wet.
559
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:04,400
- Thanks for saving my life.
- I'm sorry you nearly drowned.
560
00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:08,000
Don't be. My life flashed
in front of my eyes,
561
00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:10,920
and halfway through I was just bored.
562
00:48:11,040 --> 00:48:15,720
- Being drowned was a highlight.
- Me too, actually.
563
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:20,360
Quite nice to do something
productive for once.
564
00:48:20,560 --> 00:48:26,240
You were right about me staying
with my mum. I am a loser.
565
00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:33,400
Well, you were right about my
book being a bit soulless.
566
00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:36,320
And about me being blocked.
567
00:48:36,520 --> 00:48:40,400
- I guess I'm the bigger loser.
- I'm definitely the bigger loser.
568
00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:45,960
- Oh, no. Not by a long shot. - Why
do you have to be so competitive?
569
00:48:46,320 --> 00:48:50,480
...computer issues and an illness,
but it's going really well and...
570
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:53,880
James, I'm sorry. I can't
get into the castle.
571
00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:58,160
You know in your book, the place
where they kiss? Meet me there.
572
00:48:58,360 --> 00:49:03,320
Bring the priest and the rings.
I love you. I do love you.
573
00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:09,400
The place where they kiss.
574
00:49:09,600 --> 00:49:13,440
This is very kind of you, but there's
really no need. I can do it.
575
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:17,000
Och, I insist.
576
00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:22,200
I thought you were wonderful
in 'The Wolf and the Moon.'
577
00:49:22,720 --> 00:49:27,160
So... Thank you for getting the
word out about my wedding.
578
00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:29,920
- How did it go?
- It didn't.
579
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:34,960
Thanks to you.
580
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:53,000
Knock, knock.
581
00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:34,360
Quills.
582
00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:36,800
Christmas present from Lara.
583
00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:41,880
She thought they might
help with the writing.
584
00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:52,440
Must have been a terrible concert.
585
00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:57,640
- Dad, gone. We don't
talk about him. - OK.
586
00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:09,760
Throw the money over. The money or
the wheelchair with you in it.
587
00:52:10,480 --> 00:52:14,840
Come on.
588
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:18,720
- Did you hear me?
- Yes.
589
00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:23,960
I'm thinking about it.
590
00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:49,240
It needs... everything.
591
00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:52,560
I like it.
592
00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:56,360
April really is the cruellest month.
593
00:52:56,520 --> 00:52:58,880
- Poor Angus.
- Sorry. Is he your?
594
00:52:58,960 --> 00:53:04,200
No. Should have been, probably,
but I only go for arty types
595
00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:09,440
with monster commitment issues.
My ex-fiancé was in a band.
596
00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:12,880
They just had a top 40 hit with
the song 'Bed Hopper'.
597
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:16,480
- So the clues were there.
- I thought it was ironic.
598
00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:21,520
Stupid. But, then, I also thought
he liked girls who, you know,
599
00:53:21,720 --> 00:53:24,760
give intelligent feedback.
600
00:53:24,880 --> 00:53:28,760
And so he told me I was just one song,
601
00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:32,600
not a whole album.
602
00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:35,720
I'm finished with relationships.
603
00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:40,800
- They say it's when you stop looking
that you... - Get married?
604
00:53:41,080 --> 00:53:45,520
Actually, marriage is becoming
surprisingly bearable.
605
00:53:45,720 --> 00:53:48,440
At least the fact that you are going
to leave me for another woman
606
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:52,400
has been agreed in advance.
607
00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:54,960
What's she like?
608
00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:59,040
I suppose she's just like anybody
else, just a normal girl.
609
00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:04,200
No. No, she's rare and fine
610
00:54:04,880 --> 00:54:09,040
and peculiar and modest. And generous.
611
00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:14,080
And really, really nice.
612
00:54:14,320 --> 00:54:19,280
And brilliant. At everything.
613
00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:26,120
But can she do this?
614
00:54:33,880 --> 00:54:38,880
No, I don't believe she can.
615
00:54:43,760 --> 00:54:46,200
So you did all that with just
candle wax and powder?
616
00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:48,920
- Yeah. Is it all off?
- Yes. You're so beautiful.
617
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:51,400
I'm sorry I sold your story.
618
00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:54,080
I need to get off this island,
you see, and soon.
619
00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:57,360
And I need to see the world and
be thrown into a volcano.
620
00:54:57,520 --> 00:55:01,840
- It is my destiny. - Oh, my God.
I just realised who you are.
621
00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:05,200
You're Maggie, the ornithologist's
wife.
622
00:55:05,320 --> 00:55:08,160
James based her on you.
623
00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:11,920
Maggie who would not bend, who
turns on her oppressors.
624
00:55:12,080 --> 00:55:14,440
Yes, that's me.
625
00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:19,560
- You have been such an inspiration
to me. - Thanks.
626
00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:24,880
I've just been kicked in the face
by the most beautiful woman
627
00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:28,080
in the world who is now walking
around outside dressed
628
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:31,280
as my old boarding-school matron.
I will pay 200 grand
629
00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:36,360
for that cover shot. Go and get it.
630
00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:45,840
Retro classic. 100%/ pure
new wool in a 13oz cloth.
631
00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:49,360
Untouched since 1978.
632
00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:52,600
What would I do without you?
633
00:55:52,840 --> 00:55:56,160
Katie, there's money on Whale Beach,
enough for us to go away.
634
00:55:56,280 --> 00:56:01,280
But we have to get down there
before the tide comes in.
635
00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:07,240
- Connor?
- No, Mum.
636
00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:10,760
- This is my husband.
- Your husband?
637
00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:13,160
It's been a bit crazy. Hi. James.
638
00:56:13,240 --> 00:56:15,320
Why is he dressed as your father?
639
00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:20,080
- Well, his girlfriend's missing...
- He has a girlfriend?
640
00:56:20,320 --> 00:56:23,320
- Is this Toilet Man?
- What?
641
00:56:23,440 --> 00:56:27,720
- The man you made a pass
at in the toilet. - No.
642
00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:30,560
Why is there money on Whale Beach?
643
00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:32,280
Lara Tyler made me throw the cash
644
00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:34,640
I got from selling her wedding
over the cliff.
645
00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:38,040
She's not married. She's on
her way to Cathedral Cove
646
00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:42,520
to meet James Arber.
647
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:45,520
James...
648
00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:47,680
Arber?
649
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:50,040
Indeed.
650
00:56:50,200 --> 00:56:53,400
Very clever. So you manufactured
this whole situation.
651
00:56:53,520 --> 00:56:54,800
Big sack of cash for telling the press,
652
00:56:54,880 --> 00:56:56,640
another for playing the decoy.
When it's all over,
653
00:56:56,720 --> 00:56:58,160
the same again to set
the record straight.
654
00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:00,920
Quite an industry you've made out of
ruining other people's happiness.
655
00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:03,880
Making cow eyes at me for hours to
add a little spice to the story.
656
00:57:04,000 --> 00:57:05,680
- Cow eyes?
- Let me tell you.
657
00:57:05,760 --> 00:57:10,720
For a honeytrap to work,
there needs to be honey.
658
00:57:28,760 --> 00:57:31,200
Do you like him?
659
00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:34,040
He's an emotionally retarded arty boy
660
00:57:34,160 --> 00:57:37,480
who's in love with another woman.
661
00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:42,720
- Of course I like him.
- Did you tell him?
662
00:57:43,760 --> 00:57:46,400
A life spent making mistakes
is so much better
663
00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:48,400
than a life spent doing nothing.
664
00:57:48,480 --> 00:57:52,440
Falling for your father was the
best mistake I ever made.
665
00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:54,640
I got you.
666
00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:57,640
My worst mistake was
not going after him.
667
00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:01,160
No. Would rather die.
668
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:05,800
Really? Then we'll get a big photo
of him and put it on the wall
669
00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:11,000
and you can throw darts at it
for the rest of your life.
670
00:58:28,440 --> 00:58:32,240
Where do these stupid people kiss?
671
00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:35,120
Hello. I'm wondering if you
can help me. Thank you.
672
00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:38,360
Is the Cathedral nearby,
or any other coves?
673
00:58:38,480 --> 00:58:43,440
I've become rather lost.
674
00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:51,000
Oh, great. Now I've been recognised.
675
00:58:51,080 --> 00:58:54,000
Yes, I am James Arber.
676
00:58:54,120 --> 00:58:57,040
I am marrying Lara Tyler. Probably.
677
00:58:57,160 --> 00:59:00,320
But if you could try not
to mention it to anyone
678
00:59:00,440 --> 00:59:05,400
and please don't call the press.
679
00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:13,640
All right, yes.
680
00:59:13,800 --> 00:59:17,160
Oh, no. No, that's not me. That's...
681
00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:22,280
OK. Who to?
682
00:59:23,480 --> 00:59:28,480
I'll just leave it blank for eBay.
683
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,520
I'll be getting along in a moment.
You've been very kind.
684
00:59:33,600 --> 00:59:38,560
But if you had a map of Hegg
I could possibly borrow...
685
00:59:41,320 --> 00:59:46,320
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. No. No.
686
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:51,560
Well, I might be a bit rusty.
687
00:59:53,560 --> 00:59:58,520
Yeah. I've been concentrating
on the zither is the thing.
688
01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:09,760
Beautiful.
689
01:00:09,920 --> 01:00:14,920
Both deaf.
690
01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:33,080
OK, one more. Yeah.
691
01:01:03,800 --> 01:01:08,680
Hello, Mairead. Caleb.
692
01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:10,520
Mild out, isn't it?
693
01:01:10,560 --> 01:01:13,440
It's this global warming.
694
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:18,560
I heard my husband playing
the bagpipes.
695
01:01:21,240 --> 01:01:26,240
It's a long story.
696
01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:36,600
- Thank you. I was just coming
back to find you. - Really?
697
01:01:36,800 --> 01:01:40,920
Yeah. We need to get divorced.
698
01:01:41,120 --> 01:01:44,680
Yes. Yes, of course.
699
01:01:44,840 --> 01:01:49,840
We should go and find Reverend McDonagh.
He'll know what to do.
700
01:01:52,120 --> 01:01:57,120
OK, don't flip out, but James and
that girl, they've escaped.
701
01:02:08,440 --> 01:02:11,040
We need local intelligence.
702
01:02:11,200 --> 01:02:12,880
Who's that awful woman?
703
01:02:13,040 --> 01:02:17,160
I don't know where any of them
are. No one's been here.
704
01:02:17,320 --> 01:02:19,800
Yeah, see, I just don't believe you.
705
01:02:19,920 --> 01:02:24,280
Look, they could be anywhere by now.
706
01:02:24,520 --> 01:02:29,400
But I think you know where they are.
And I think for the right price,
707
01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:33,800
you'll tell me.
708
01:02:34,080 --> 01:02:37,320
I didn't sell your wedding. My mum did.
709
01:02:37,440 --> 01:02:41,280
- She's dying and a bit pissed
off about it. - Oh, I'm sorry.
710
01:02:41,440 --> 01:02:45,280
She just wants to see the
world before she goes.
711
01:02:45,440 --> 01:02:50,400
Ah, look. It's my country residence.
712
01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:57,040
Quick, come on. Come on.
713
01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:04,920
- Where in God's name are we? - This
book says it's a wildlife centre.
714
01:03:05,080 --> 01:03:06,960
You're a bleeding woman
with your map reading.
715
01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:12,040
No, it's the book. It's all
wrong. It's so heavy.
716
01:03:13,120 --> 01:03:18,120
Is somebody there?
717
01:03:20,880 --> 01:03:25,160
- Incomers! Incomers! - Sorry, love.
Didn't realise anyone lived here.
718
01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:30,320
- I'll throw another puffin on the
griddle for you. - No, thanks.
719
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:37,000
Griddled puffin? On a Friday?
720
01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:41,800
Ah, our first home. What a
life we could have had.
721
01:03:42,000 --> 01:03:47,000
Yeah. Come on.
722
01:03:49,000 --> 01:03:53,480
So you think this Reverend McDonagh
can help untangle us?
723
01:03:53,640 --> 01:03:57,440
Well, I can't recall going to
him with a similar problem,
724
01:03:57,600 --> 01:04:00,720
but, yes, he'll know what to do.
725
01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:03,800
There's something about
islands, isn't there?
726
01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:06,160
Or is it just that I'm from one?
727
01:04:06,280 --> 01:04:10,360
- No, there's something about islands.
- And this is just Hegg.
728
01:04:10,560 --> 01:04:13,120
We're the plain Jane of the Hebrides.
729
01:04:13,240 --> 01:04:15,920
You should see Barra. It's stunning.
730
01:04:16,040 --> 01:04:21,000
I like this one. It's beautiful.
731
01:04:23,640 --> 01:04:28,640
I wish I'd come here sooner.
732
01:04:33,040 --> 01:04:36,520
- Stay away from her, Englishman!
- Angus!
733
01:04:36,680 --> 01:04:40,240
- Mr April? - You come over
here, taking our women.
734
01:04:40,400 --> 01:04:44,800
Your women? Angus, don't!
735
01:04:45,040 --> 01:04:48,360
Run away with me. I never thought
I had a chance with you
736
01:04:48,480 --> 01:04:51,720
until you came back and
then... Marry me.
737
01:04:51,840 --> 01:04:55,600
You are married to Muireen.
738
01:04:55,760 --> 01:04:59,600
But I don't want her. I never wanted
her. I always wanted you.
739
01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:02,720
Shame. You're married, she's
married. Oh, what a tragedy.
740
01:05:02,840 --> 01:05:05,200
She's married? Who to?
741
01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:07,280
To me.
742
01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:12,360
Is that true?
743
01:05:12,680 --> 01:05:15,200
Right, then. I'll fight you for her.
744
01:05:15,320 --> 01:05:17,520
- No.
- No, no. I don't fight.
745
01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:19,360
I win. I get to keep her.
746
01:05:19,440 --> 01:05:24,400
Angus!
747
01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:30,480
I wanted to grow old with you. You're
beautiful and clever now.
748
01:05:30,640 --> 01:05:32,200
It's easy to love you now.
749
01:05:32,280 --> 01:05:35,120
But I'll still love you when
the wind's dried you out.
750
01:05:35,240 --> 01:05:40,200
And when you're old and
broken. Will he?
751
01:05:42,480 --> 01:05:46,400
Angus, I'm sorry. Go back to Muireen.
752
01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:49,880
Sort it out. She loves you.
753
01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:53,640
It's better when people love you back.
754
01:05:53,840 --> 01:05:58,800
So do you love him?
755
01:05:59,520 --> 01:06:04,480
- Come on.
- I'm all right here.
756
01:06:15,640 --> 01:06:18,120
Wow. It's just amazing.
757
01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:23,240
I used to come out here
a lot, on my own.
758
01:06:37,160 --> 01:06:41,200
Only married 5 minutes and already
chasing after another woman, eh?
759
01:06:41,360 --> 01:06:43,960
Why not give this marriage a go first?
760
01:06:44,080 --> 01:06:49,080
Because the woman he's engaged
to is Lara Tyler.
761
01:06:49,840 --> 01:06:53,480
She's an actress.
762
01:06:53,720 --> 01:06:58,160
She's ultra beautiful, mind-blowingly
talented,
763
01:06:58,360 --> 01:07:02,840
and rare, and fine, and modest,
764
01:07:03,040 --> 01:07:07,400
and generous, and nice, and
brilliant at everything.
765
01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:10,320
- But he's married to you.
- Exactly.
766
01:07:10,440 --> 01:07:14,440
A mind-blowingly ordinary
shop assistant
767
01:07:14,600 --> 01:07:17,400
from the Outer Hebrides.
Bit of a comedown.
768
01:07:17,520 --> 01:07:21,880
You're not ordinary.
769
01:07:22,120 --> 01:07:24,760
She could be Miss Universe
with a Nobel Peace Prize
770
01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:28,360
and she'd still be wrong for somebody.
771
01:07:28,560 --> 01:07:33,560
Weddings are like sunsets.
The romance of a moment.
772
01:07:34,000 --> 01:07:37,280
Marriage is the sea into
which that red sun sets.
773
01:07:37,400 --> 01:07:39,840
We got married by mistake.
774
01:07:39,920 --> 01:07:44,360
- Probably not the strongest basis
for an enduring marriage. - No.
775
01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:49,960
Then, in days past, the MacNeils of Barra,
huge ginger brutes they were,
776
01:07:50,200 --> 01:07:53,960
would cross the Minch to
Hegg to steal our sheep
777
01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:56,240
and snatch a wife at the same time.
778
01:07:56,320 --> 01:07:59,760
But if we could reclaim the
woman before consummation,
779
01:07:59,880 --> 01:08:03,800
the marriage didn't count.
It's still in Hegg law.
780
01:08:03,960 --> 01:08:06,840
So if we can make it to Cathedral
Cove before nightfall,
781
01:08:06,960 --> 01:08:09,960
your licence with Miss Tyler
would still be valid
782
01:08:10,120 --> 01:08:14,160
and the original ceremony could
go ahead as planned.
783
01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:18,200
If that's what you really want.
784
01:08:18,400 --> 01:08:20,760
How long have we got
before it gets dark?
785
01:08:20,840 --> 01:08:25,240
About half an hour. When God made
time, he made plenty of it.
786
01:08:25,440 --> 01:08:30,400
When God made twine,
he made balls of it.
787
01:08:31,880 --> 01:08:36,360
Well, you think about it while
I get my things ready.
788
01:08:36,600 --> 01:08:42,440
Oh, one last thing. Has the
marriage been consummated?
789
01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:47,640
- No.
- I just haven't had time.
790
01:08:49,360 --> 01:08:54,320
When God made time...
791
01:08:55,720 --> 01:08:57,520
Hello?
792
01:08:57,600 --> 01:09:00,200
Lara?
793
01:09:00,400 --> 01:09:03,680
James?
794
01:09:03,840 --> 01:09:08,840
- Why has she brought us here?
- What is this place?
795
01:09:16,920 --> 01:09:19,800
How do you know when you've
met 'the one'?
796
01:09:19,920 --> 01:09:22,480
Whenever you look at them,
you find yourself singing
797
01:09:22,600 --> 01:09:27,600
'You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings.'
798
01:09:27,880 --> 01:09:30,440
Is that what happens when
you're with Lara?
799
01:09:30,560 --> 01:09:33,640
They asked 10,000 men to
name their ideal partner
800
01:09:33,760 --> 01:09:38,160
and 9,800 said Lara. Statistically
that includes
801
01:09:38,440 --> 01:09:40,680
at least 800 gay men.
802
01:09:40,800 --> 01:09:44,760
If you're male and Lara Tyler's interested
in you, she's the one,
803
01:09:44,920 --> 01:09:48,000
it's kind of a rule.
804
01:09:48,200 --> 01:09:52,040
If you can't be happy with Lara Tyler,
805
01:09:52,240 --> 01:09:57,240
you can't be happy with anyone.
806
01:10:01,800 --> 01:10:06,800
You are sure about this? Because you
seem like a good match to me.
807
01:10:20,480 --> 01:10:25,960
Do you, James Neil Arber,
take Katie Nic Aodh
808
01:10:26,200 --> 01:10:31,160
- as your lawful wedded wife?
- No, I do not.
809
01:10:31,440 --> 01:10:36,400
And do you, Katie Nic Aodh,
take James Neil Arber
810
01:10:36,600 --> 01:10:42,720
- as your lawful wedded husband?
- Absolutely not. No. Thank you.
811
01:10:44,800 --> 01:10:49,280
I would ask if you would now remove
and return your rings as a sign
812
01:10:49,480 --> 01:10:54,480
that you are not married.
813
01:11:13,400 --> 01:11:18,400
Follow soon. We need to hurry.
814
01:11:22,560 --> 01:11:27,200
Good thing there are no pets involved.
815
01:11:27,480 --> 01:11:29,560
If I wasn't in the middle
of the Atlantic
816
01:11:29,640 --> 01:11:31,920
after one of the strangest
days of my life,
817
01:11:32,000 --> 01:11:37,000
I'd...
818
01:11:44,800 --> 01:11:48,000
James, wait.
819
01:11:48,240 --> 01:11:52,520
If things don't work out with Lara...
820
01:11:52,720 --> 01:11:56,320
I mean, she's perfect, obviously.
821
01:11:56,560 --> 01:11:59,480
But she gives you block.
822
01:11:59,600 --> 01:12:03,480
So maybe you're not one of the 9,800.
823
01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:08,680
That's not so impossible, is it?
824
01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:13,800
Because then you could not marry her.
825
01:12:14,080 --> 01:12:19,040
Then you could stay here. With me.
826
01:12:43,960 --> 01:12:47,760
I know.
827
01:12:47,960 --> 01:12:51,760
This is where you tell me
I'm just one chapter,
828
01:12:52,000 --> 01:12:57,000
not a whole book.
829
01:13:07,720 --> 01:13:10,480
Go.
830
01:13:10,680 --> 01:13:15,640
Go.
831
01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:28,640
Guys! Lara's Tyler's not in the castle.
832
01:13:28,840 --> 01:13:31,920
They're getting married now
in the haunted toilets.
833
01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:37,040
It's a local tradition. This way!
834
01:13:40,440 --> 01:13:45,440
- You OK? - Yeah. You?
- Yeah.
835
01:13:46,920 --> 01:13:51,880
I don't really like big
cat documentaries.
836
01:13:53,640 --> 01:13:55,800
That's OK.
837
01:13:55,920 --> 01:14:00,920
If we're going to do this,
we'll have to be quick.
838
01:15:00,560 --> 01:15:05,560
Do you wanna taste the icing?
Do you wanna taste the icing?
839
01:15:08,560 --> 01:15:10,880
What is that?
840
01:15:11,000 --> 01:15:17,040
Now, sweetie, I may look like
a simple, cake-baking,
841
01:15:17,320 --> 01:15:21,960
small-town mom, but inside...
842
01:15:22,160 --> 01:15:25,720
I am a prize fighter, and I
will not rest while there
843
01:15:25,960 --> 01:15:29,640
is a single rod of depleted
uranium anywhere
844
01:15:29,800 --> 01:15:33,040
in South Carolina.
845
01:15:33,240 --> 01:15:38,360
Powerful stuff there. Lara Tyler
in 'Depleted', out on Friday.
846
01:15:38,800 --> 01:15:41,000
There had been rumours of retirement.
847
01:15:41,080 --> 01:15:45,600
Last summer I was maybe thinking
of leading a more quiet life,
848
01:15:45,800 --> 01:15:47,880
but...
849
01:15:48,040 --> 01:15:50,560
then I met this amazing Scottish woman.
850
01:15:50,680 --> 01:15:53,640
Terminally ill, never complained.
851
01:15:53,760 --> 01:15:57,680
Actually, no, she did complain
about a lot of things.
852
01:15:57,840 --> 01:16:01,480
I heard recently that she passed away.
853
01:16:01,680 --> 01:16:07,080
But I was able to help her fulfill
her dream to travel the world.
854
01:16:10,560 --> 01:16:15,520
Thank you, Lara.
855
01:16:54,280 --> 01:16:57,600
Hegg - An Island History,
Second Edition.
856
01:16:57,760 --> 01:17:01,640
The Hegg is the furthermost
drop of the outermost spray
857
01:17:01,800 --> 01:17:04,760
of the curling wave of
the Outer Hebrides.
858
01:17:04,880 --> 01:17:08,200
But for those curious enough to
take some time to discover her,
859
01:17:08,320 --> 01:17:12,320
Hegg's cliffs and moorlands,
meadows and sandy beaches
860
01:17:12,520 --> 01:17:16,960
reveal her to be an island ready
to exceed all expectations,
861
01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:19,920
a tiny rock of perfection
862
01:17:20,040 --> 01:17:23,560
jutting out of the restless
Hebridean Sea.
863
01:17:23,800 --> 01:17:28,000
This is James Arber's new book.
Much better, more mature.
864
01:17:28,200 --> 01:17:31,280
And only one chapter.
865
01:17:31,480 --> 01:17:33,920
Look. He dedicated it to Lara.
866
01:17:34,000 --> 01:17:38,320
Katie, but you're leaving
again, so soon.
867
01:17:38,520 --> 01:17:40,680
Guidebooks don't write themselves.
868
01:17:40,760 --> 01:17:44,040
But I'll never forget who
gave me my big break.
869
01:17:44,160 --> 01:17:47,360
I just came in to say hi and bye.
I'm on the four o'clock boat.
870
01:17:47,520 --> 01:17:51,520
I've got a flight out to New Delhi
and then onto Singapore.
871
01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:56,040
Harder to hit a moving target, eh?
872
01:17:56,240 --> 01:17:59,760
I should have known that bloody
guidebook would take off.
873
01:17:59,920 --> 01:18:02,760
Idiot.
874
01:18:02,920 --> 01:18:05,520
It's not the same without you, Katie.
875
01:18:05,680 --> 01:18:10,000
Never was. We miss you. I miss you.
876
01:18:10,200 --> 01:18:12,400
There Katie, that's for you.
877
01:18:12,600 --> 01:18:17,560
It's a bride. For luck.
It's the last one.
878
01:18:19,520 --> 01:18:22,040
- Thank you.
- That'll be £1.50.
879
01:18:22,120 --> 01:18:25,760
- You off again, then, Katie?
- I'm trying to.
880
01:18:25,920 --> 01:18:28,520
She'll be back. Her dad
was a traveller,
881
01:18:28,640 --> 01:18:30,960
but her mam was a 'stay-at-home'.
882
01:18:31,040 --> 01:18:35,120
No, I'm not sure she was, deep down.
883
01:18:35,360 --> 01:18:37,400
I really need to...
884
01:18:37,520 --> 01:18:40,360
I'll warrant you're a bit of both.
885
01:18:40,560 --> 01:18:45,520
Goodbye, all.
886
01:19:20,120 --> 01:19:23,360
Hallo!
887
01:19:23,600 --> 01:19:28,560
Hello! Hello.
888
01:19:29,840 --> 01:19:32,960
- Long time no see.
- Yeah.
889
01:19:33,080 --> 01:19:36,840
I was hoping for our first meeting
to be a bit more casual.
890
01:19:37,000 --> 01:19:39,800
What are you doing here?
891
01:19:39,920 --> 01:19:43,320
I've been trying to get your attention
with conventional weapons,
892
01:19:43,440 --> 01:19:46,320
- phones, emails, that sort
of thing. - I've been away.
893
01:19:46,440 --> 01:19:49,080
Yeah, and you're leaving again.
Did you not read my new book?
894
01:19:49,200 --> 01:19:54,320
- Not so much, no.
- You really should have read it.
895
01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:59,000
- The Hegg Book Club gave it seven
and a half. - Seven and a half?
896
01:19:59,160 --> 01:20:00,720
That's generous for the Hegg Book Club.
897
01:20:00,800 --> 01:20:02,760
They said it picked up around page six.
898
01:20:02,840 --> 01:20:07,240
- So you didn't see the dedication?
- It's dedicated to Lara.
899
01:20:07,400 --> 01:20:11,720
No! It's not!
900
01:20:11,960 --> 01:20:16,960
It's not!
901
01:20:19,640 --> 01:20:24,600
"To my wife. A chapter can be a book."
902
01:20:25,240 --> 01:20:30,240
- What does he mean, a chapter
can be a book? - I don't know.
903
01:20:33,360 --> 01:20:38,320
I don't know.
904
01:20:41,560 --> 01:20:46,520
Have you got a radio?
905
01:20:49,720 --> 01:20:53,000
He said to tell you, the only
person he ever wed was you.
906
01:20:53,120 --> 01:20:58,080
But he and Lara let the press
think they were married.
907
01:20:59,600 --> 01:21:04,600
He's not married?
908
01:21:06,320 --> 01:21:11,280
Katie, shall we go back?
909
01:21:14,120 --> 01:21:19,120
Would you mind?
910
01:21:32,120 --> 01:21:35,000
I can't believe you didn't
read my book.
911
01:21:35,120 --> 01:21:37,240
I couldn't really bring myself to.
912
01:21:37,320 --> 01:21:42,000
Well, I hope you will one day, because
there's a character in there
913
01:21:42,240 --> 01:21:46,040
kind of reminds me a lot of you.
914
01:21:46,280 --> 01:21:49,040
It's a book about a man,
a really stupid man,
915
01:21:49,160 --> 01:21:51,840
who makes a really bad decision,
916
01:21:51,960 --> 01:21:56,960
and how he loses somebody
amazing from his life.
917
01:21:57,360 --> 01:22:02,320
And how he comes to realise he
cannot continue in his life...
918
01:22:03,080 --> 01:22:08,080
without her.
919
01:22:09,040 --> 01:22:13,400
They say write about what you know.
920
01:22:13,640 --> 01:22:18,640
So, obviously, I set it against the
backdrop of the Spanish Civil War.
921
01:22:20,640 --> 01:22:24,240
- And Lara?
- She's absolutely fine.
922
01:22:24,360 --> 01:22:27,400
We agreed we weren't right
for each other.
923
01:22:27,520 --> 01:22:31,120
By the way, I read your
excellent guidebook.
924
01:22:31,280 --> 01:22:33,200
Really?
925
01:22:33,280 --> 01:22:37,520
How embarrassing. I've been quite rude
about you in the new edition.
926
01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:41,560
Well, I love intelligent feedback.
927
01:22:41,760 --> 01:22:44,920
And you're back on Hegg now because?
928
01:22:45,040 --> 01:22:47,760
I'm on a sheep-stealing raid, yeah.
929
01:22:47,880 --> 01:22:52,880
I thought I might grab myself a
woman at the same time, but...
930
01:22:53,280 --> 01:22:58,280
Predominantly, it's a sheep-snatching
thing.
931
01:23:10,320 --> 01:23:15,280
Do you want me to sign that for you?
932
01:23:49,800 --> 01:23:52,600
Hey.
933
01:23:52,760 --> 01:23:56,760
Hi.
934
01:23:56,960 --> 01:23:58,880
I like this one.
74862
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