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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,560 Throngs of people outside still waiting for the bride to appear. 2 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,720 She's not in there. I can feel it. 3 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:48,800 Any moment now, she should be leaving the hotel. 4 00:00:59,680 --> 00:01:04,680 I overestimated her. I thought she'd be more elusive. 5 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:15,960 - I don't understand what's happening. - What is going on here? 6 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:25,880 I don't think they want us to know which one the real bride is. 7 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,080 The streets are full of brides, the skies are full of brides, 8 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:19,160 the press doesn't know which way is up. 9 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,720 - I'm a genius. Still no sign of Marco Ballani? - None. 10 00:02:22,880 --> 00:02:26,040 - Our intelligence says he's gone skiing. - Now? 11 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:31,120 Then we're good. 12 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:58,680 Hello? 13 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,640 You! What the hell are you doing in there? 14 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:05,520 I am the wedding photographer. 15 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,440 Can I have the tall people at the back? 16 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:11,240 - OK, buster, fun's over. - How long have you been in there? 17 00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:15,240 Oh, my God. This is not soda. 18 00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:20,400 I'm gonna kill you! 19 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:34,040 - You are ruining my life! - I've ruined plenty of lives. 20 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:39,440 You're nothing special. 21 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,640 You abscess! 22 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:47,920 When I do get married, you will not even know what continent I'm on! 23 00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:59,040 Marco Ballani, you golden Roman god! 24 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,720 I will not be defeated by that disease of a man. 25 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,680 We're gonna have to disappear completely. 26 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,720 We can get married in outer space. 27 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:13,360 Or the lost underwater kingdom of Atlantis? 28 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:15,560 Outer space? I don't think you can yet. 29 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:18,920 Is that what your intelligence tells you? 30 00:04:19,080 --> 00:04:24,080 We're gonna have to go somewhere crazy remote. 31 00:05:23,720 --> 00:05:28,720 Hi, Mum. 32 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,600 Oh, no. 33 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:36,800 - What's happened? - Nothing. I'm fine. 34 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:44,840 - I'm fine. - Well, that's good. Just so long as you're fine. 35 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,360 Are you going somewhere? 36 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:51,600 I don't suppose you're in the mood for a wedding? 37 00:05:51,840 --> 00:05:53,840 There is somebody out there for you, 38 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,800 somebody sensitive and faithful and kind. 39 00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,400 But you'll never meet him if you're hiding here. 40 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,600 Good. I don't want to meet him. He sounds like a twat. 41 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,040 I'm like kryptonite to men. 42 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:10,360 Kryptonite dipped in cellulite. 43 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:14,600 So, what's new on Hegg? Give me the headlines. 44 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,120 One of Donald's sheep drowned. 45 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:22,160 They had to fish it out with a curtain rail. 46 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,640 - Hello. - Mild out, isn't it, Iseabail? 47 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,280 It's this global warming. 48 00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:32,960 - Katie's back. - Are we late? 49 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:38,160 Too late to marry him. 50 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:46,400 Quick! 51 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:51,680 Sorry. No. 52 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:57,120 Hi, Angus. 53 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:02,400 You're too late, Katie Nic Aodh. He's mine now! 54 00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,800 There's always the Oban tinker. He'll be visiting come September. 55 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,800 And he's keen to marry on account of his leg. 56 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:14,040 I'll marry you, Katie. How old will you be in eight years? 57 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:19,240 - 40. - Could have gone to 36. 58 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,280 - The return of the native. - Hello, Laird. 59 00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,760 That was quite the entrance, Katie. 60 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,480 And continuing the theme of my public humiliation, 61 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:40,160 I may need my old job back. 62 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,280 What happened to your fancy Edinburgh job 63 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:44,040 at the trouser catalogue? 64 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:47,280 I ran out of ways to describe pockets. 65 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,520 If you don't mind me saying, Katie, 66 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,520 you've always had such a terrible taste in men. 67 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,480 I know. I've gone man vegan. 68 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,680 They say after the first six years you don't miss them any more. 69 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:01,000 You've picked the right spot to try it. 70 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:06,080 There are no single men left on Hegg, are there, after today? 71 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:11,520 Except for me, of course. 72 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,800 Perhaps you'll dance with me later on. 73 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,080 You'll not be forgetting Hegg law, Laird. 74 00:08:17,200 --> 00:08:22,160 - You must dance with us all. Eldest to youngest. - Oh, yes. 75 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,280 The dance of the dead. 76 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:29,400 Which means I should get to you about 4:30 in the morning. 77 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,160 So, 78 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,400 how long are you back for? 79 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,480 Well, actually, I'm thinking of staying. 80 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,520 I thought you said nothing ever happened here. 81 00:08:42,680 --> 00:08:47,680 No. Well, nothing happening is becoming more appealing. 82 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:53,520 So, this is all very grown-up. You've a wife 83 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:56,440 - and a beard. - Well, 84 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,760 Muireen thinks differently of beards than you. 85 00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,960 And marriage. 86 00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,360 Look, I truly hope you'll be... 87 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:12,440 Aye. 88 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,840 Hegg: An Island History, 89 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,680 The Definitive Guide. By Katie Nic Aodh. 90 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,720 £5 a copy. We split the proceeds. 91 00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:02,800 A guidebook to here? Don't be mad. 92 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,160 Come see our disused toilet 93 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:08,000 that may or may not be haunted by the ghost of a drowned cow. 94 00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,040 You see? We need to channel this raw, creative energy. 95 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:15,200 Else you're liable to get restless and go wandering off again. 96 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,440 Nobody's going to buy a guidebook to Hegg. 97 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:22,520 Unless it's cheaper than our toilet paper. 98 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,240 A marketing conference? Here? 99 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,240 - The tide has turned. - For the marketeers. 100 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:34,360 £1 each or £1.50 with hair. 101 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,640 They want my castle, just as it is, for a week. 102 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,720 - Good luck to them. - This is a beautiful island, Katie. 103 00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:44,640 In a way... 104 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:48,520 New beginnings. It's like the whale all over again. 105 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:52,240 You're not too young to remember the whale, Laird? 106 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:54,800 - No, I remember. - There'll be money in this lot too. 107 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,920 No throwing yourself at the men visitors, Katie. 108 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:02,480 We don't want them thinking this is the Orkneys where anything goes. 109 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,480 Now, Katie, chop chop. Chapter One, 110 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,240 in which a young woman and her laird 111 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,160 rescue their island from certain doom by writing 112 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:15,240 a brilliant guidebook. 113 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,000 The island of Hegg lies half-drowned and wind-battered, 114 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,840 the furthermost drop of the outermost spray 115 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,360 of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides. 116 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,840 It has a population of 75, 117 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,960 a majority of whom are probably about... 118 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:41,160 75. Or even older. 119 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,520 Though Hegg no doubt has a certain charm, 120 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,400 it has never been a popular stop on the tourist trail. 121 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:51,520 Even the Vikings never showed the slightest interest in us. 122 00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:56,160 But the islanders remain a hardy and resourceful people. 123 00:11:56,440 --> 00:12:01,440 All those under 50 are now married, except one. 124 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,840 The island has one B&B 125 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,680 which offers the traditional Scottish breakfast of haggis, 126 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:11,200 sausage, chips and beans, or if you're feeling more metropolitan, 127 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:13,560 you can have the continental breakfast, 128 00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:17,360 a bread roll, two Weetabix and a Snickers bar. 129 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,440 Have we got any Michelin stars I can put up? 130 00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:23,440 - Are you not cold? Can I get you a coat? - I'll be fine. 131 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:27,760 - As always. - You think? - I'll be dying either way. 132 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,240 I've got to get out of here, Katie. I've never been anywhere. 133 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,880 And I want to see the world, overdose on daiquiris 134 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:39,000 and be thrown into a volcano. But you need money for that. 135 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:44,320 If they ask, we had two stars but they fell off. 136 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:50,120 Welcome to the Sunshine, Hegg's only B&B. 137 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,040 We have rooms available. 138 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:55,120 - We're looking for the castle. - We're marketing people. 139 00:12:55,240 --> 00:12:58,040 I'll take you there... for a tenner. 140 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,200 Mum! 141 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:05,280 I'll take you. 142 00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,680 Oh, my God. 143 00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:14,600 Do you like it? 144 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:19,640 It's spectacular. 145 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:24,920 And that was the last we any of us saw of the Americans. 146 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,680 'The gilt work glistened proudly.' 147 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:46,760 'Time had in no way diminished the splendours of this castle.' 148 00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:51,920 We're dead. Lara's expecting to walk straight into his stupid book. 149 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:57,200 She's not gonna blame you, Steve. She is a reasonable woman. 150 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,400 Get me an office, a landline, steeplejacks, welders, 151 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,760 £20,000 in cash, 50,000 gallons of water, 152 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:13,840 the construction crew from Bonnie Prince Charlie 153 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:19,000 and a cappuccino. 154 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,680 A seal. Look. How cute. 155 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,240 I've no idea where we are, but it's perfect. 156 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:44,040 'The sea turns and shakes its manacles of salt 157 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:48,040 at the sharp rocks on which too many waves have died.' 158 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,200 What's that? 159 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:54,400 It's you. Chapter 49 of my favourite book. 160 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:59,000 - The Ornithologist's Wife. - Really? 161 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:04,280 My husband is gonna be one of the great writers of the 21 st century. 162 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:10,400 - So where are we exactly? - You know where we are. 163 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:17,560 Do I? 164 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:40,120 No! 165 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,840 It's just how you described it. 166 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,320 We're on Hegg. 167 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:55,120 You don't remember it from your many research trips? 168 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:57,400 Hey, you guys. 169 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:00,600 I don't know why we didn't think of this before. 170 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:02,960 I'm sorry we can't have friends and family. 171 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:06,240 But this is so special, isn't it? 172 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,880 It's perfect. And it's just us. 173 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:14,760 Let's go in. I have to see the Hall of a Million Feathers. 174 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:20,040 - Should we? - Yes, you really should. It's quite something. 175 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,320 Do you like your room? 176 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:48,560 We had 40 master craftsmen working through the night. 177 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:52,760 - One of them was 80. - Why didn't you just tell her I made it all up? 178 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,480 When Lara wants to go to the Big Rock Candy Mountain, 179 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,080 I don't take her to Elm Street. 180 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,640 This is your first time on Hegg, isn't it? 181 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,320 You Googled the entire book. 182 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:06,400 You're the first person ever to have a problem with that. 183 00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:09,880 I need some air. 184 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:13,440 There are only seven people in the world who know we're here. 185 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:16,280 Anybody asks, you're at a marketing conference. 186 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:21,400 Keep your head down, and wear a hat, Tolstoy. 187 00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,040 If you can safely navigate the many rabbit holes, 188 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,640 Hegg can be a great place to ramble. 189 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,360 And as the islanders say, if you don't like the weather here, 190 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:45,480 just wait 20 minutes and maybe you will. End of Chapter One. 191 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:55,760 Chapter Two: Hegg's top hot spots. 192 00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:01,400 The people of the island are rightly proud of this ageing public amenity. 193 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:06,200 The ornate urinals are enamelled in peacock colours, 194 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:11,400 while the cow-sized cubicle is... 195 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:17,120 genuinely frightening. 196 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:34,800 Laird. 197 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:46,040 Hello? Pretty sure that's not a real cow. 198 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:51,280 Unless it's got hold of a kazoo. 199 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,000 - Sorry. - Oh, no, no, really. I'm... 200 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:58,840 The laird of the island has a similar hat. 201 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,240 Sorry to barge in on you, Mrs... 202 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,600 - Not Mrs. - No, no. No. 203 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,680 I was just pretending to be the ghost of this cow, 204 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:11,520 which, of course, sounds completely mad. 205 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,000 Not at all. 206 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,600 Sorry. From the outside, 207 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,440 your home looks like it might be open to the public. 208 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,280 My home? 209 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,640 You don't live here? 210 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:27,160 Not in this toilet, no. 211 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,720 Here we live in primitive dwellings anthropologists like 212 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:32,480 to call houses. 213 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:37,920 Please forgive me. I've spent a lot of time with... hermits. 214 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,520 For someone in marketing, you're not very good at lying. 215 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:46,440 I'm still quite junior. 216 00:19:46,720 --> 00:19:51,600 - Katie. - I'm J... 217 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,760 John. John... son. John... 218 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,280 - John. - John Johnson. 219 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,600 And I'm... I'm quite lost. 220 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:05,720 No wonder. That book isn't right about anything. 221 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,240 You haven't read it. No one's read it, not all the way through. 222 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:11,720 That's the only book ever written about Hegg. 223 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,720 Everybody who can read has read it. 224 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,040 - The Hegg Book Club gave it four out of ten. - Four out of ten? 225 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,840 We thought it picked up around page 600. 226 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,680 The architecture of the book was probably quite deliberate. 227 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,120 Wow, the Hegg Book Club are a tough crowd. 228 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:29,280 Oh, and the love story? I didn't buy that at all. 229 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:31,600 It was just soulless. 230 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:34,840 - Soulless? - Maybe his second boo will be better. 231 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:37,120 - Is it out yet? - Not yet, no. 232 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,360 God. It's been years. Either he's very, 233 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:44,360 very blocked or it's even longer than that one. Can you imagine? 234 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:49,480 Do you want me to carry it for a bit? 235 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,480 Oh, no, no, no. You want Iona. 236 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,520 There's no monastery here. No monks. No miracles. 237 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,880 - That's OK. - But no free accommodation here. 238 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:04,040 I believe in God so-so, but I'm also very interested in yoga. 239 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:08,040 - Hung jury, you see. So no discount. - No problem. 240 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:12,360 I will pay upfront, in full. 241 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,520 To be fair, he had to make it up. 242 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,080 You could cover Hegg in a pamphlet of about five pages. 243 00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,840 OK, I know where I am now. 244 00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,400 Look, you're here to work, obviously. 245 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:29,120 But if you ever fancy a coffee, I just live at the B&B over... 246 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,520 down there, with my mother. 247 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:35,680 Just... I'm around most of the time, 248 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:40,160 and I'm a whole lot hotter than I look. 249 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,200 We've got so much... 250 00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:46,520 marketing to do. 251 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:50,920 OK. This wasn't... 252 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:54,160 I wasn't... I don't any more. 253 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:59,280 I've gone vegan anyway. 254 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:02,640 Yeah. 255 00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,920 Sorry. 256 00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:10,080 Bye. 257 00:22:12,920 --> 00:22:15,400 Room three. 258 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:20,080 Blessings. 259 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:25,760 It's a hobby. I hope to capture one of your very rare birds on film. 260 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:30,480 We don't have any rare birds. We have hedgehogs. 261 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,280 Yeah, well, I am here now. 262 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,520 I have just made the most unbelievable 263 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:40,640 - twat of myself. - We have a guest. 264 00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:49,760 - I don't trust this monk. - People say they monkey around. 265 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:56,320 - I think he's a journalist. - Why? 266 00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:01,520 Are you taking your pills properly? 267 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:22,600 Chapter One Jackson Kandinsky awoke from hot dreams of lost things 268 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:37,440 and adjusted his testicular implant. 269 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:56,680 I'm a whole lot hotter than I look. 270 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:12,480 Yeah? 271 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,440 Are you sure it's so terribly unlucky to make love 272 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,280 the night before the wedding? 273 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:42,160 I hate it when you beg for sex. 274 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:47,240 You are staggeringly beautiful. 275 00:24:53,440 --> 00:24:56,680 Starve me of yourself. Turn me concave 276 00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,520 with caverns of longingness. 277 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:03,680 Oh, God. Did I write that? 'Longingness.' It's not even a word. 278 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,880 No. That was just me saying what I was thinking. 279 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:13,000 Oh, right. Sorry. 280 00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:19,480 It finally got dark, then? 281 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:43,920 You're not a monk. And you're not having my story. 282 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:55,160 Is that the Caledonian Press Agency? 283 00:25:55,480 --> 00:26:00,440 Visualise your cellulite melting! 284 00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:08,280 Come on! You're doing really well! 285 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:36,040 Oh, my God. 286 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:45,440 This is good. Feel the burn. 287 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:52,160 Lara? 288 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,480 When you say 'kind of like missing... '? 289 00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:13,600 She's... She's totally gone. 290 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,320 OK, she saw him. Did he see her? 291 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,880 I don't know. He's disguised as a wizard. 292 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:24,080 Some kind of brown wizard. And he's in a tree right by the chapel. 293 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,920 How does he do this? 294 00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:31,000 He's amazing. 295 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:40,240 OK, he's in a tree. He wants a photo of the happy couple. 296 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:43,840 Let's give it to him. We go through with the wedding exactly as planned. 297 00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,920 But with a stand-in. Ballani, convinced he's at the real wedding, 298 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,400 takes his photo and leaves. Then we go find Lara, 299 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,960 bring her back to the chapel 300 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,800 and do it all over again, this time for real. 301 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:56,280 You are amazing also. 302 00:27:56,400 --> 00:28:00,800 - I'll go and tell James? - Don't tell that Googling leech anything. 303 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:05,920 If James finds out Lara is missing, he's gonna go looking for her... 304 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,400 Oh, you're in here. Anais-Anais, I'm gonna do my own hair this time. 305 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:14,520 - Because I know what I want. - Fine. 306 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,560 Everything all right? 307 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:22,160 - Yay. - Yay. 308 00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:26,480 - Good luck. - All right. 309 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:29,520 But if James doesn't know that Lara is missing, how is that gonna work? 310 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:34,960 He has to think it's for real. We need a decoy bride. 311 00:28:35,160 --> 00:28:37,520 None of you are right. Too tall, too black. 312 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:40,280 - I could do it. - Don't be stupid. 313 00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:43,120 Ballani knows you. He needs to see you with James. 314 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:47,840 I just need somebody who can walk 20 feet without falling over. 315 00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:50,120 Who was that awful girl? 316 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:54,080 - But I don't look anything like Lara Tyler. - That's true, 317 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:57,680 but neither does she until these ladies get their hands on her. 318 00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:01,720 - Hi. - We think you're full of potential. 319 00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:04,560 - No. Sorry. - £200. 320 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,040 I'm really not interested. I'm off weddings. 321 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,960 £500. It's not a real wedding. 322 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,320 Are they ever? I nearly bought a wedding dress once. 323 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:17,760 - Cost the same as a Fiat Uno. - £5,000. 324 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:21,000 Has somebody on the island told you I'm a prostitute? 325 00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:24,920 I'm really not interested, and my mum'll be back in a while 326 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:27,000 and I said I'd cook her lunch, so... 327 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,040 One hour's improvisation. No scenes of a sexual nature. 328 00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:34,640 £5,000. You can do something really nice for your poor, 329 00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:39,840 sick mother. 330 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,000 What the flipping heck are they? 331 00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:51,080 I'm going to temporarily immobilise your nasolabial folds. 332 00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:55,160 - What are you doing? - It's just like bleach. 333 00:29:55,240 --> 00:29:57,280 - It'll make your hair lighter. - No way. 334 00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:00,360 She is not putting toilet cleaner in my hair. 335 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:03,200 Don't be a diva. 336 00:30:03,320 --> 00:30:08,280 No, no, no. 337 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:15,560 - Sorry. - Hopeless. 338 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,760 Let's just make extra sure. 339 00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:59,400 You're an Oscar nominee. You ooze confidence. 340 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,360 You define poise. You're the face that launched a thousand campaigns. 341 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:05,160 And your latest thing is quoting Gertrude Stein. 342 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,720 At length and from memory. 343 00:31:08,920 --> 00:31:12,200 OK, Steve, we're in. He's not inside we don't think. 344 00:31:12,320 --> 00:31:15,560 But safer to assume the place is bugged. Over and out. 345 00:31:15,720 --> 00:31:20,720 Can you do an American accent? 346 00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:49,480 Lara? You OK? 347 00:31:50,600 --> 00:31:56,760 Hi. Will you love her, comfort her, 348 00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:02,280 honour and protect her, 349 00:32:02,480 --> 00:32:05,880 and forsaking all others be faithful to her 350 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:08,640 for as long as you both shall live? 351 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,560 Sì. 352 00:32:11,760 --> 00:32:16,720 I will. 353 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,280 I will! 354 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:26,120 I, James Neil Arber, take you, Lara Elizabeth Tyler, 355 00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:31,640 to be my wife, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health... 356 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:37,160 ...to love and cherish 357 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:42,200 until death us do part. In the presence of God, I take this vow. 358 00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:49,280 I, Lara Elizabeth Tyler, take you, 359 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:55,520 James Neil Arber, to be my husband, 360 00:32:55,800 --> 00:33:02,400 to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, 361 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:06,080 for richer, for poorer, 362 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:08,320 sickness, health, love, death, cherish. 363 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:10,360 In the presence of God, I make this vow. 364 00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:14,280 Who has the rings? 365 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,840 - Steve, what the hell's going on? - I'll explain it to you later. 366 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:22,600 The ring text is optional, right? 367 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:26,280 I now pronounce you man and wife. 368 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:30,880 - You may kiss the bride. - Who is this? 369 00:33:31,120 --> 00:33:33,040 John Johnson. 370 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:35,880 Toilet girl? 371 00:33:36,040 --> 00:33:38,200 We had to buy time to look for Lara. 372 00:33:38,280 --> 00:33:40,400 Who's we? Who's looking for her? 373 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,960 - The gang. - The gang of beauticians? 374 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:46,280 Are you mad? She could have fallen off a cliff! 375 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,720 You think Ballani is gonna believe this toilet attendant is my wife? 376 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,040 I am not a toilet attendant. 377 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:52,360 She has been hunted by the press since she was 15. 378 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:54,040 So, guess what, that makes her a bit jumpy. And what have you done? 379 00:33:54,120 --> 00:33:58,320 You have lost her on a Hegg with the one paparazzo she hates the most. 380 00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:02,160 How... When did they do all this? 381 00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:05,880 - This is my job, to protect her career. - She's retiring. 382 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:11,440 - FYI, there's only you and her that think that. - Steve. Steve! 383 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,560 - What? - Is that the press? 384 00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:20,160 Oh, God. How the hell did this happen? 385 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,720 Can I please have my clothes and my cheque? 386 00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:25,480 - My mother's expecting me. - I'm gonna find her. 387 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:28,600 We need is you charging around attracting unwanted attention. 388 00:34:28,760 --> 00:34:33,160 Lara is missing. There might be wolves out there. 389 00:34:33,400 --> 00:34:35,920 You're absolutely right. I wasn't thinking straight. 390 00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,800 Of course, If anybody can find her, it's you. 391 00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,080 - This way, both of you. - Thank you. 392 00:34:41,160 --> 00:34:46,160 This way. This is the back way out. 393 00:34:48,720 --> 00:34:53,720 - An hour, you said! - Yeah, well, I'm full of shit. 394 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:56,880 There must be a way out. 395 00:34:57,000 --> 00:35:00,800 I am not a toilet attendant. And I did tell you my name. 396 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,760 If only I could remember your name, we could find a way out of here. 397 00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,640 Sorry. It's cruel to give the servants names, isn't it? 398 00:35:06,760 --> 00:35:08,760 Don't want to get too attached to them. 399 00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,520 Give you a white dress and suddenly everything's about you. 400 00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:16,600 - This is not your big day, Katie. - Nor yours, apparently. 401 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:23,320 You're having an 'Ornithologist's Wife' themed wedding. 402 00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:27,920 - And if we are? - I suppose it could be worse. 403 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:31,280 I could be trapped inside Stephen King's honeymoon. 404 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,320 Though apparently he's a nice guy. 405 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:37,000 - How much are you getting paid for this, in hillbilly money? - No. 406 00:35:37,160 --> 00:35:39,640 So why are we doing that? 407 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:43,640 As long as they think Lara's in the castle, they'll camp out there. 408 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:48,800 As long as they're out there, they're not looking for Lara. 409 00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:52,480 Come on. 410 00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:54,840 Strupak! 411 00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:59,400 - Strupak! A pound. - It's like tea. 412 00:35:59,640 --> 00:36:01,680 It is tea. 413 00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:05,160 Get a move on, you carnaptious bampot! 414 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:08,200 There's money to be made. 415 00:36:08,360 --> 00:36:10,200 A pack of journalists just stepped off the ferry 416 00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:12,440 wi' more coming over the Minch. 417 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:17,520 It's like the whale all over again. 418 00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:31,440 The happy couple. Nice arse. 419 00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:37,400 What's this? 420 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:40,760 IPhone. 421 00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:44,320 Diamond earrings. 422 00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:46,520 It's a party bag, isn't it? 423 00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:51,560 You're getting party bags from your own wedding. 424 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:56,720 You're too far gone to understand, but it's so funny. 425 00:36:56,840 --> 00:37:01,360 I'm counting all my money on my very expensive money-counting machine. 426 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:03,400 Bling! Bling! 427 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:08,080 Hello? Eight times six million 428 00:37:08,280 --> 00:37:09,800 I'll just check for you. 429 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:14,080 Look, try to get your head round this. I'm marrying Lara Tyler. 430 00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:20,440 I'm not marrying you. This is Lara's idea... and my idea, 431 00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:24,160 of a great wedding. 432 00:37:24,320 --> 00:37:26,560 If I were marrying you, we would be in the place of your choosing. 433 00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:29,640 The bar of some brightly lit 2 star hotel, no doubt, draped in tinsel, 434 00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:32,720 drinking German wine and watching your cousins have sex in the car. 435 00:37:32,840 --> 00:37:37,120 - You're a horrible snob. - So are you. 436 00:37:37,320 --> 00:37:42,320 What an eclectic library. 437 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:48,680 Signed. That's tragic. 438 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,480 - Did you sign the register? - You saw me. Why? 439 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,200 Is that the legal bit? 440 00:37:56,400 --> 00:38:01,360 - I think, in all the fuss, I may have signed my own name. - So? 441 00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:36,560 I can confirm that Lara Tyler and James Arber 442 00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:40,400 were finally married today in a small, 443 00:38:40,560 --> 00:38:42,480 tasteful private ceremony. 444 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:46,320 They will be leaving for a secret honeymoon destination 445 00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:48,760 in the morning, but, as you can see, 446 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:53,840 they will be spending their wedding night in that turret there. 447 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,960 That window there 448 00:38:57,120 --> 00:39:00,280 is where the action is. 449 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:03,480 - Thank you. - Is there a picture of the dress? 450 00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:05,480 Don't get the bottom of the dress wet. 451 00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:07,120 Would you like me to take it off? 452 00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:10,720 - You're not married already? I imagine that might be helpful. - No. 453 00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:12,240 I remember now. Not married. 454 00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:14,880 But still a world authority on romance in literature. 455 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:18,640 - When not cruising toilets for men. - Parasite. 456 00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:21,000 I hope she's made you sign a prenup. 457 00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:25,040 - How did they fit you into that dress? - She has. 458 00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:28,040 How does that work exactly? When you get divorced, does she get half 459 00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:31,280 - of your unfinished books? - I am no parasite. 460 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:33,360 I didn't even live with Lara until recently. 461 00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:36,600 She built me this gazebo in the grounds where I write. 462 00:39:36,720 --> 00:39:40,040 She keeps you in a shed at the bottom of the garden 463 00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,160 - like a tortoise. - Look, you're what? Late 30s? 464 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:45,520 - 30, just. - Still living with your mum? 465 00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:49,120 I am living with my mother temporarily because she is sick. 466 00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:51,440 And what is it you do again? Are you president of this Hegg Book Club? 467 00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:55,720 - Or do you just administer their medication? - I too am a writer. 468 00:39:55,920 --> 00:40:00,360 - A writer? Of what exactly? - Of something that people actually read. 469 00:40:00,520 --> 00:40:02,560 - Do you write cereal packets? - Look... 470 00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:04,880 Do you write your name over and over in the dirt on the back of trucks? 471 00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:09,440 If you must know, I write for an online menswear catalogue. 472 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:14,080 A trouser catalogue. I don't do it anymore. 473 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:17,160 What, 'five pairs of brown trousers with elasticated waistbands, 474 00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:19,120 £30 while stocks last? ' That kind of thing? 475 00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:21,400 I have also written the official guidebook to Hegg, 476 00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:25,040 which is accurate than certain other accounts of life on the island. 477 00:40:25,200 --> 00:40:28,280 That sounds fascinating. 478 00:40:28,480 --> 00:40:30,880 Any news? Have you found her? 479 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:34,880 Hello! This island is much bigger than you said, OK? Over. 480 00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:39,080 Perhaps you'd like to do time in the San Quentin nail bar instead. 481 00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:43,240 Keep looking. Over. And out. 482 00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:45,480 Later. 483 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:47,160 Where is she? 484 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:50,200 - So what are we going for, then? Fat or thin? - Both. 485 00:40:50,320 --> 00:40:53,080 'Podgy Hollywood star looks gaunt 486 00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:58,200 on happy day'? 487 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,520 Assholes. 488 00:41:01,720 --> 00:41:05,520 - Hello. - Move along now, ma'am. No one gets in the castle. 489 00:41:05,720 --> 00:41:07,200 She'll be lucky. 490 00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:11,640 Would you have a portable telephone that I could per chance borrow? 491 00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:16,840 There's no reception, love. Payphone in there. 492 00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:20,680 Can I have a ticket for the telephone, please? 493 00:41:20,760 --> 00:41:23,040 Keep the triples coming. I'm buying. 494 00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:28,040 Look at her. Flashing her cash about like the Sheikh of Oman. 495 00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:33,200 As if the story was hers to sell. 496 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:37,440 Hello. I am 'Stars Today' and I am here to buy copy 497 00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:39,560 for our Lara Tyler wedding special. 498 00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:43,760 Nobody's seen anything and there are no pictures. 499 00:41:43,960 --> 00:41:47,040 You mean you've got no pictures. Marco Ballani will have pictures. 500 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:52,120 What, that Marco Ballani? 501 00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:56,320 Do you have the photo? 502 00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:59,440 Marco! Have you got the photo? 503 00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:03,760 I have nothing. 504 00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:08,000 What's this nameless new book of yours about, then, if it exists? 505 00:42:08,160 --> 00:42:14,320 It's about the end of the world as seen through the eyes of God. 506 00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:17,560 Oh, dear. 507 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:21,520 Did no one tell you to write about what you know? 508 00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,480 She thinks you're a genius, doesn't she? And you're trying 509 00:42:24,600 --> 00:42:27,200 to be one so you're good enough to be with Lara Tyler. 510 00:42:27,320 --> 00:42:30,520 But it's left you totally blocked. Pathetic. 511 00:42:30,680 --> 00:42:33,160 Still living with your mum, pretending to be a movie star, 512 00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:35,960 writing a guidebook about an island no one will ever visit. 513 00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:41,040 That's pathetic. 514 00:42:43,080 --> 00:42:48,080 I'm going to open my presents now. 515 00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:54,880 Ah! Did you not get your picture? 516 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,320 - Do I know you? - No, you do not. 517 00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:01,880 No, I know only her. 518 00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,480 Did you know she lived in her pool for 2 weeks 519 00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:07,240 before filming 'The Drowning'? 520 00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:10,520 I lived above her in her pool house roof. 521 00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:13,240 We are both obsessional compulsional types, you know. 522 00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,760 - You didn't sell these? - They are too personal. 523 00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:21,000 And only now she has married someone else do I realise... 524 00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:26,400 I love her. I am a cavern of longingness. 525 00:43:28,880 --> 00:43:33,880 - Is that good English? - Yeah. 526 00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:47,720 I don't get it. 527 00:43:47,800 --> 00:43:52,760 Lara and I like big cat documentaries. Deal with it. 528 00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:01,360 - What are you doing here? - Where's Lara? 529 00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:03,320 As if I'd tell you. 530 00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:05,880 Behind the back of the world's most fascinating woman, 531 00:44:05,960 --> 00:44:08,040 you drink champagne and you cavort with prostitutes. 532 00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:11,400 I'm not a prostitute. 533 00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:15,240 - I'm his wife. - She is a horrendous mistake. 534 00:44:15,400 --> 00:44:20,360 You have failed again to marry Lara. This is a better match for you. 535 00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:33,120 I'm sorry but I can't take your call right now If that's Random House, 536 00:44:33,240 --> 00:44:35,920 I've had a succession of computer issues and an illness, 537 00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:41,000 it's going really well and I'll be mailing some chapters at the week. 538 00:44:52,200 --> 00:44:57,200 Well, it looks like I might have hit on my very own Lara Tyler exclusive. 539 00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:05,160 Are you gonna fight like a man or just throw puffins at me? 540 00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:23,640 I will find her. And when I find her, I will have her. 541 00:45:23,760 --> 00:45:28,720 Not very likely. 542 00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:34,160 Look. 543 00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,960 - What are you doing? - I'm just nipping out for some milk. 544 00:45:58,080 --> 00:46:00,960 - What do you think you are? Tarzan? - Lara's got a climbing wall. 545 00:46:01,080 --> 00:46:03,280 Of course she has. 546 00:46:03,480 --> 00:46:06,600 - It's been an absolute pleasure. - Oh, I'm staying here, am I? 547 00:46:06,720 --> 00:46:09,760 What makes your girlfriend more of a priority than my sick mother? 548 00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:14,080 - There might be wolves out there. - Wolves? There's no wolves. 549 00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:17,480 We don't even have bees. She might stand on a hedgehog, 550 00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:19,920 which would be good, actually, because we're overrun. 551 00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:23,600 Save it for the second edition of your dreary little guidebook. 552 00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:28,760 If there is one. 553 00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:33,840 Right, wait there. I'm coming with you. I'm coming down. 554 00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:36,320 The pedalo's full of water. You'll get the bottom of the dress wet. 555 00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:39,960 You'll be released back into the community shortly. Get back inside! 556 00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:45,080 - Goodbye! - Stupid nails. 557 00:47:44,240 --> 00:47:49,240 Don't look at my legs. Please. 558 00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:54,800 You got the bottom of the dress wet. 559 00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:04,400 - Thanks for saving my life. - I'm sorry you nearly drowned. 560 00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:08,000 Don't be. My life flashed in front of my eyes, 561 00:48:08,120 --> 00:48:10,920 and halfway through I was just bored. 562 00:48:11,040 --> 00:48:15,720 - Being drowned was a highlight. - Me too, actually. 563 00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:20,360 Quite nice to do something productive for once. 564 00:48:20,560 --> 00:48:26,240 You were right about me staying with my mum. I am a loser. 565 00:48:29,000 --> 00:48:33,400 Well, you were right about my book being a bit soulless. 566 00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:36,320 And about me being blocked. 567 00:48:36,520 --> 00:48:40,400 - I guess I'm the bigger loser. - I'm definitely the bigger loser. 568 00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:45,960 - Oh, no. Not by a long shot. - Why do you have to be so competitive? 569 00:48:46,320 --> 00:48:50,480 ...computer issues and an illness, but it's going really well and... 570 00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:53,880 James, I'm sorry. I can't get into the castle. 571 00:48:54,000 --> 00:48:58,160 You know in your book, the place where they kiss? Meet me there. 572 00:48:58,360 --> 00:49:03,320 Bring the priest and the rings. I love you. I do love you. 573 00:49:05,960 --> 00:49:09,400 The place where they kiss. 574 00:49:09,600 --> 00:49:13,440 This is very kind of you, but there's really no need. I can do it. 575 00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:17,000 Och, I insist. 576 00:49:17,200 --> 00:49:22,200 I thought you were wonderful in 'The Wolf and the Moon.' 577 00:49:22,720 --> 00:49:27,160 So... Thank you for getting the word out about my wedding. 578 00:49:27,360 --> 00:49:29,920 - How did it go? - It didn't. 579 00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:34,960 Thanks to you. 580 00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:53,000 Knock, knock. 581 00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:34,360 Quills. 582 00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:36,800 Christmas present from Lara. 583 00:51:36,880 --> 00:51:41,880 She thought they might help with the writing. 584 00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:52,440 Must have been a terrible concert. 585 00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:57,640 - Dad, gone. We don't talk about him. - OK. 586 00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:09,760 Throw the money over. The money or the wheelchair with you in it. 587 00:52:10,480 --> 00:52:14,840 Come on. 588 00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:18,720 - Did you hear me? - Yes. 589 00:52:18,960 --> 00:52:23,960 I'm thinking about it. 590 00:52:45,840 --> 00:52:49,240 It needs... everything. 591 00:52:49,440 --> 00:52:52,560 I like it. 592 00:52:52,760 --> 00:52:56,360 April really is the cruellest month. 593 00:52:56,520 --> 00:52:58,880 - Poor Angus. - Sorry. Is he your? 594 00:52:58,960 --> 00:53:04,200 No. Should have been, probably, but I only go for arty types 595 00:53:04,440 --> 00:53:09,440 with monster commitment issues. My ex-fiancé was in a band. 596 00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:12,880 They just had a top 40 hit with the song 'Bed Hopper'. 597 00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:16,480 - So the clues were there. - I thought it was ironic. 598 00:53:16,640 --> 00:53:21,520 Stupid. But, then, I also thought he liked girls who, you know, 599 00:53:21,720 --> 00:53:24,760 give intelligent feedback. 600 00:53:24,880 --> 00:53:28,760 And so he told me I was just one song, 601 00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:32,600 not a whole album. 602 00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:35,720 I'm finished with relationships. 603 00:53:35,840 --> 00:53:40,800 - They say it's when you stop looking that you... - Get married? 604 00:53:41,080 --> 00:53:45,520 Actually, marriage is becoming surprisingly bearable. 605 00:53:45,720 --> 00:53:48,440 At least the fact that you are going to leave me for another woman 606 00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:52,400 has been agreed in advance. 607 00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:54,960 What's she like? 608 00:53:55,080 --> 00:53:59,040 I suppose she's just like anybody else, just a normal girl. 609 00:53:59,200 --> 00:54:04,200 No. No, she's rare and fine 610 00:54:04,880 --> 00:54:09,040 and peculiar and modest. And generous. 611 00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:14,080 And really, really nice. 612 00:54:14,320 --> 00:54:19,280 And brilliant. At everything. 613 00:54:21,160 --> 00:54:26,120 But can she do this? 614 00:54:33,880 --> 00:54:38,880 No, I don't believe she can. 615 00:54:43,760 --> 00:54:46,200 So you did all that with just candle wax and powder? 616 00:54:46,280 --> 00:54:48,920 - Yeah. Is it all off? - Yes. You're so beautiful. 617 00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:51,400 I'm sorry I sold your story. 618 00:54:51,520 --> 00:54:54,080 I need to get off this island, you see, and soon. 619 00:54:54,160 --> 00:54:57,360 And I need to see the world and be thrown into a volcano. 620 00:54:57,520 --> 00:55:01,840 - It is my destiny. - Oh, my God. I just realised who you are. 621 00:55:02,040 --> 00:55:05,200 You're Maggie, the ornithologist's wife. 622 00:55:05,320 --> 00:55:08,160 James based her on you. 623 00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:11,920 Maggie who would not bend, who turns on her oppressors. 624 00:55:12,080 --> 00:55:14,440 Yes, that's me. 625 00:55:14,560 --> 00:55:19,560 - You have been such an inspiration to me. - Thanks. 626 00:55:22,400 --> 00:55:24,880 I've just been kicked in the face by the most beautiful woman 627 00:55:25,000 --> 00:55:28,080 in the world who is now walking around outside dressed 628 00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:31,280 as my old boarding-school matron. I will pay 200 grand 629 00:55:31,400 --> 00:55:36,360 for that cover shot. Go and get it. 630 00:55:41,320 --> 00:55:45,840 Retro classic. 100%/ pure new wool in a 13oz cloth. 631 00:55:46,040 --> 00:55:49,360 Untouched since 1978. 632 00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:52,600 What would I do without you? 633 00:55:52,840 --> 00:55:56,160 Katie, there's money on Whale Beach, enough for us to go away. 634 00:55:56,280 --> 00:56:01,280 But we have to get down there before the tide comes in. 635 00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:07,240 - Connor? - No, Mum. 636 00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:10,760 - This is my husband. - Your husband? 637 00:56:10,920 --> 00:56:13,160 It's been a bit crazy. Hi. James. 638 00:56:13,240 --> 00:56:15,320 Why is he dressed as your father? 639 00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:20,080 - Well, his girlfriend's missing... - He has a girlfriend? 640 00:56:20,320 --> 00:56:23,320 - Is this Toilet Man? - What? 641 00:56:23,440 --> 00:56:27,720 - The man you made a pass at in the toilet. - No. 642 00:56:27,960 --> 00:56:30,560 Why is there money on Whale Beach? 643 00:56:30,680 --> 00:56:32,280 Lara Tyler made me throw the cash 644 00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:34,640 I got from selling her wedding over the cliff. 645 00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:38,040 She's not married. She's on her way to Cathedral Cove 646 00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:42,520 to meet James Arber. 647 00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:45,520 James... 648 00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:47,680 Arber? 649 00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:50,040 Indeed. 650 00:56:50,200 --> 00:56:53,400 Very clever. So you manufactured this whole situation. 651 00:56:53,520 --> 00:56:54,800 Big sack of cash for telling the press, 652 00:56:54,880 --> 00:56:56,640 another for playing the decoy. When it's all over, 653 00:56:56,720 --> 00:56:58,160 the same again to set the record straight. 654 00:56:58,200 --> 00:57:00,920 Quite an industry you've made out of ruining other people's happiness. 655 00:57:01,040 --> 00:57:03,880 Making cow eyes at me for hours to add a little spice to the story. 656 00:57:04,000 --> 00:57:05,680 - Cow eyes? - Let me tell you. 657 00:57:05,760 --> 00:57:10,720 For a honeytrap to work, there needs to be honey. 658 00:57:28,760 --> 00:57:31,200 Do you like him? 659 00:57:31,360 --> 00:57:34,040 He's an emotionally retarded arty boy 660 00:57:34,160 --> 00:57:37,480 who's in love with another woman. 661 00:57:37,720 --> 00:57:42,720 - Of course I like him. - Did you tell him? 662 00:57:43,760 --> 00:57:46,400 A life spent making mistakes is so much better 663 00:57:46,480 --> 00:57:48,400 than a life spent doing nothing. 664 00:57:48,480 --> 00:57:52,440 Falling for your father was the best mistake I ever made. 665 00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:54,640 I got you. 666 00:57:54,800 --> 00:57:57,640 My worst mistake was not going after him. 667 00:57:57,840 --> 00:58:01,160 No. Would rather die. 668 00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:05,800 Really? Then we'll get a big photo of him and put it on the wall 669 00:58:06,000 --> 00:58:11,000 and you can throw darts at it for the rest of your life. 670 00:58:28,440 --> 00:58:32,240 Where do these stupid people kiss? 671 00:58:32,440 --> 00:58:35,120 Hello. I'm wondering if you can help me. Thank you. 672 00:58:35,240 --> 00:58:38,360 Is the Cathedral nearby, or any other coves? 673 00:58:38,480 --> 00:58:43,440 I've become rather lost. 674 00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:51,000 Oh, great. Now I've been recognised. 675 00:58:51,080 --> 00:58:54,000 Yes, I am James Arber. 676 00:58:54,120 --> 00:58:57,040 I am marrying Lara Tyler. Probably. 677 00:58:57,160 --> 00:59:00,320 But if you could try not to mention it to anyone 678 00:59:00,440 --> 00:59:05,400 and please don't call the press. 679 00:59:10,840 --> 00:59:13,640 All right, yes. 680 00:59:13,800 --> 00:59:17,160 Oh, no. No, that's not me. That's... 681 00:59:17,280 --> 00:59:22,280 OK. Who to? 682 00:59:23,480 --> 00:59:28,480 I'll just leave it blank for eBay. 683 00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,520 I'll be getting along in a moment. You've been very kind. 684 00:59:33,600 --> 00:59:38,560 But if you had a map of Hegg I could possibly borrow... 685 00:59:41,320 --> 00:59:46,320 Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. No. No. 686 00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:51,560 Well, I might be a bit rusty. 687 00:59:53,560 --> 00:59:58,520 Yeah. I've been concentrating on the zither is the thing. 688 01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:09,760 Beautiful. 689 01:00:09,920 --> 01:00:14,920 Both deaf. 690 01:00:28,080 --> 01:00:33,080 OK, one more. Yeah. 691 01:01:03,800 --> 01:01:08,680 Hello, Mairead. Caleb. 692 01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:10,520 Mild out, isn't it? 693 01:01:10,560 --> 01:01:13,440 It's this global warming. 694 01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:18,560 I heard my husband playing the bagpipes. 695 01:01:21,240 --> 01:01:26,240 It's a long story. 696 01:01:32,160 --> 01:01:36,600 - Thank you. I was just coming back to find you. - Really? 697 01:01:36,800 --> 01:01:40,920 Yeah. We need to get divorced. 698 01:01:41,120 --> 01:01:44,680 Yes. Yes, of course. 699 01:01:44,840 --> 01:01:49,840 We should go and find Reverend McDonagh. He'll know what to do. 700 01:01:52,120 --> 01:01:57,120 OK, don't flip out, but James and that girl, they've escaped. 701 01:02:08,440 --> 01:02:11,040 We need local intelligence. 702 01:02:11,200 --> 01:02:12,880 Who's that awful woman? 703 01:02:13,040 --> 01:02:17,160 I don't know where any of them are. No one's been here. 704 01:02:17,320 --> 01:02:19,800 Yeah, see, I just don't believe you. 705 01:02:19,920 --> 01:02:24,280 Look, they could be anywhere by now. 706 01:02:24,520 --> 01:02:29,400 But I think you know where they are. And I think for the right price, 707 01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:33,800 you'll tell me. 708 01:02:34,080 --> 01:02:37,320 I didn't sell your wedding. My mum did. 709 01:02:37,440 --> 01:02:41,280 - She's dying and a bit pissed off about it. - Oh, I'm sorry. 710 01:02:41,440 --> 01:02:45,280 She just wants to see the world before she goes. 711 01:02:45,440 --> 01:02:50,400 Ah, look. It's my country residence. 712 01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:57,040 Quick, come on. Come on. 713 01:03:01,240 --> 01:03:04,920 - Where in God's name are we? - This book says it's a wildlife centre. 714 01:03:05,080 --> 01:03:06,960 You're a bleeding woman with your map reading. 715 01:03:07,040 --> 01:03:12,040 No, it's the book. It's all wrong. It's so heavy. 716 01:03:13,120 --> 01:03:18,120 Is somebody there? 717 01:03:20,880 --> 01:03:25,160 - Incomers! Incomers! - Sorry, love. Didn't realise anyone lived here. 718 01:03:25,320 --> 01:03:30,320 - I'll throw another puffin on the griddle for you. - No, thanks. 719 01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:37,000 Griddled puffin? On a Friday? 720 01:03:37,320 --> 01:03:41,800 Ah, our first home. What a life we could have had. 721 01:03:42,000 --> 01:03:47,000 Yeah. Come on. 722 01:03:49,000 --> 01:03:53,480 So you think this Reverend McDonagh can help untangle us? 723 01:03:53,640 --> 01:03:57,440 Well, I can't recall going to him with a similar problem, 724 01:03:57,600 --> 01:04:00,720 but, yes, he'll know what to do. 725 01:04:00,960 --> 01:04:03,800 There's something about islands, isn't there? 726 01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:06,160 Or is it just that I'm from one? 727 01:04:06,280 --> 01:04:10,360 - No, there's something about islands. - And this is just Hegg. 728 01:04:10,560 --> 01:04:13,120 We're the plain Jane of the Hebrides. 729 01:04:13,240 --> 01:04:15,920 You should see Barra. It's stunning. 730 01:04:16,040 --> 01:04:21,000 I like this one. It's beautiful. 731 01:04:23,640 --> 01:04:28,640 I wish I'd come here sooner. 732 01:04:33,040 --> 01:04:36,520 - Stay away from her, Englishman! - Angus! 733 01:04:36,680 --> 01:04:40,240 - Mr April? - You come over here, taking our women. 734 01:04:40,400 --> 01:04:44,800 Your women? Angus, don't! 735 01:04:45,040 --> 01:04:48,360 Run away with me. I never thought I had a chance with you 736 01:04:48,480 --> 01:04:51,720 until you came back and then... Marry me. 737 01:04:51,840 --> 01:04:55,600 You are married to Muireen. 738 01:04:55,760 --> 01:04:59,600 But I don't want her. I never wanted her. I always wanted you. 739 01:04:59,760 --> 01:05:02,720 Shame. You're married, she's married. Oh, what a tragedy. 740 01:05:02,840 --> 01:05:05,200 She's married? Who to? 741 01:05:05,320 --> 01:05:07,280 To me. 742 01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:12,360 Is that true? 743 01:05:12,680 --> 01:05:15,200 Right, then. I'll fight you for her. 744 01:05:15,320 --> 01:05:17,520 - No. - No, no. I don't fight. 745 01:05:17,600 --> 01:05:19,360 I win. I get to keep her. 746 01:05:19,440 --> 01:05:24,400 Angus! 747 01:05:26,320 --> 01:05:30,480 I wanted to grow old with you. You're beautiful and clever now. 748 01:05:30,640 --> 01:05:32,200 It's easy to love you now. 749 01:05:32,280 --> 01:05:35,120 But I'll still love you when the wind's dried you out. 750 01:05:35,240 --> 01:05:40,200 And when you're old and broken. Will he? 751 01:05:42,480 --> 01:05:46,400 Angus, I'm sorry. Go back to Muireen. 752 01:05:46,560 --> 01:05:49,880 Sort it out. She loves you. 753 01:05:50,080 --> 01:05:53,640 It's better when people love you back. 754 01:05:53,840 --> 01:05:58,800 So do you love him? 755 01:05:59,520 --> 01:06:04,480 - Come on. - I'm all right here. 756 01:06:15,640 --> 01:06:18,120 Wow. It's just amazing. 757 01:06:18,240 --> 01:06:23,240 I used to come out here a lot, on my own. 758 01:06:37,160 --> 01:06:41,200 Only married 5 minutes and already chasing after another woman, eh? 759 01:06:41,360 --> 01:06:43,960 Why not give this marriage a go first? 760 01:06:44,080 --> 01:06:49,080 Because the woman he's engaged to is Lara Tyler. 761 01:06:49,840 --> 01:06:53,480 She's an actress. 762 01:06:53,720 --> 01:06:58,160 She's ultra beautiful, mind-blowingly talented, 763 01:06:58,360 --> 01:07:02,840 and rare, and fine, and modest, 764 01:07:03,040 --> 01:07:07,400 and generous, and nice, and brilliant at everything. 765 01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:10,320 - But he's married to you. - Exactly. 766 01:07:10,440 --> 01:07:14,440 A mind-blowingly ordinary shop assistant 767 01:07:14,600 --> 01:07:17,400 from the Outer Hebrides. Bit of a comedown. 768 01:07:17,520 --> 01:07:21,880 You're not ordinary. 769 01:07:22,120 --> 01:07:24,760 She could be Miss Universe with a Nobel Peace Prize 770 01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:28,360 and she'd still be wrong for somebody. 771 01:07:28,560 --> 01:07:33,560 Weddings are like sunsets. The romance of a moment. 772 01:07:34,000 --> 01:07:37,280 Marriage is the sea into which that red sun sets. 773 01:07:37,400 --> 01:07:39,840 We got married by mistake. 774 01:07:39,920 --> 01:07:44,360 - Probably not the strongest basis for an enduring marriage. - No. 775 01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:49,960 Then, in days past, the MacNeils of Barra, huge ginger brutes they were, 776 01:07:50,200 --> 01:07:53,960 would cross the Minch to Hegg to steal our sheep 777 01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:56,240 and snatch a wife at the same time. 778 01:07:56,320 --> 01:07:59,760 But if we could reclaim the woman before consummation, 779 01:07:59,880 --> 01:08:03,800 the marriage didn't count. It's still in Hegg law. 780 01:08:03,960 --> 01:08:06,840 So if we can make it to Cathedral Cove before nightfall, 781 01:08:06,960 --> 01:08:09,960 your licence with Miss Tyler would still be valid 782 01:08:10,120 --> 01:08:14,160 and the original ceremony could go ahead as planned. 783 01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:18,200 If that's what you really want. 784 01:08:18,400 --> 01:08:20,760 How long have we got before it gets dark? 785 01:08:20,840 --> 01:08:25,240 About half an hour. When God made time, he made plenty of it. 786 01:08:25,440 --> 01:08:30,400 When God made twine, he made balls of it. 787 01:08:31,880 --> 01:08:36,360 Well, you think about it while I get my things ready. 788 01:08:36,600 --> 01:08:42,440 Oh, one last thing. Has the marriage been consummated? 789 01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:47,640 - No. - I just haven't had time. 790 01:08:49,360 --> 01:08:54,320 When God made time... 791 01:08:55,720 --> 01:08:57,520 Hello? 792 01:08:57,600 --> 01:09:00,200 Lara? 793 01:09:00,400 --> 01:09:03,680 James? 794 01:09:03,840 --> 01:09:08,840 - Why has she brought us here? - What is this place? 795 01:09:16,920 --> 01:09:19,800 How do you know when you've met 'the one'? 796 01:09:19,920 --> 01:09:22,480 Whenever you look at them, you find yourself singing 797 01:09:22,600 --> 01:09:27,600 'You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings.' 798 01:09:27,880 --> 01:09:30,440 Is that what happens when you're with Lara? 799 01:09:30,560 --> 01:09:33,640 They asked 10,000 men to name their ideal partner 800 01:09:33,760 --> 01:09:38,160 and 9,800 said Lara. Statistically that includes 801 01:09:38,440 --> 01:09:40,680 at least 800 gay men. 802 01:09:40,800 --> 01:09:44,760 If you're male and Lara Tyler's interested in you, she's the one, 803 01:09:44,920 --> 01:09:48,000 it's kind of a rule. 804 01:09:48,200 --> 01:09:52,040 If you can't be happy with Lara Tyler, 805 01:09:52,240 --> 01:09:57,240 you can't be happy with anyone. 806 01:10:01,800 --> 01:10:06,800 You are sure about this? Because you seem like a good match to me. 807 01:10:20,480 --> 01:10:25,960 Do you, James Neil Arber, take Katie Nic Aodh 808 01:10:26,200 --> 01:10:31,160 - as your lawful wedded wife? - No, I do not. 809 01:10:31,440 --> 01:10:36,400 And do you, Katie Nic Aodh, take James Neil Arber 810 01:10:36,600 --> 01:10:42,720 - as your lawful wedded husband? - Absolutely not. No. Thank you. 811 01:10:44,800 --> 01:10:49,280 I would ask if you would now remove and return your rings as a sign 812 01:10:49,480 --> 01:10:54,480 that you are not married. 813 01:11:13,400 --> 01:11:18,400 Follow soon. We need to hurry. 814 01:11:22,560 --> 01:11:27,200 Good thing there are no pets involved. 815 01:11:27,480 --> 01:11:29,560 If I wasn't in the middle of the Atlantic 816 01:11:29,640 --> 01:11:31,920 after one of the strangest days of my life, 817 01:11:32,000 --> 01:11:37,000 I'd... 818 01:11:44,800 --> 01:11:48,000 James, wait. 819 01:11:48,240 --> 01:11:52,520 If things don't work out with Lara... 820 01:11:52,720 --> 01:11:56,320 I mean, she's perfect, obviously. 821 01:11:56,560 --> 01:11:59,480 But she gives you block. 822 01:11:59,600 --> 01:12:03,480 So maybe you're not one of the 9,800. 823 01:12:03,720 --> 01:12:08,680 That's not so impossible, is it? 824 01:12:08,960 --> 01:12:13,800 Because then you could not marry her. 825 01:12:14,080 --> 01:12:19,040 Then you could stay here. With me. 826 01:12:43,960 --> 01:12:47,760 I know. 827 01:12:47,960 --> 01:12:51,760 This is where you tell me I'm just one chapter, 828 01:12:52,000 --> 01:12:57,000 not a whole book. 829 01:13:07,720 --> 01:13:10,480 Go. 830 01:13:10,680 --> 01:13:15,640 Go. 831 01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:28,640 Guys! Lara's Tyler's not in the castle. 832 01:13:28,840 --> 01:13:31,920 They're getting married now in the haunted toilets. 833 01:13:32,040 --> 01:13:37,040 It's a local tradition. This way! 834 01:13:40,440 --> 01:13:45,440 - You OK? - Yeah. You? - Yeah. 835 01:13:46,920 --> 01:13:51,880 I don't really like big cat documentaries. 836 01:13:53,640 --> 01:13:55,800 That's OK. 837 01:13:55,920 --> 01:14:00,920 If we're going to do this, we'll have to be quick. 838 01:15:00,560 --> 01:15:05,560 Do you wanna taste the icing? Do you wanna taste the icing? 839 01:15:08,560 --> 01:15:10,880 What is that? 840 01:15:11,000 --> 01:15:17,040 Now, sweetie, I may look like a simple, cake-baking, 841 01:15:17,320 --> 01:15:21,960 small-town mom, but inside... 842 01:15:22,160 --> 01:15:25,720 I am a prize fighter, and I will not rest while there 843 01:15:25,960 --> 01:15:29,640 is a single rod of depleted uranium anywhere 844 01:15:29,800 --> 01:15:33,040 in South Carolina. 845 01:15:33,240 --> 01:15:38,360 Powerful stuff there. Lara Tyler in 'Depleted', out on Friday. 846 01:15:38,800 --> 01:15:41,000 There had been rumours of retirement. 847 01:15:41,080 --> 01:15:45,600 Last summer I was maybe thinking of leading a more quiet life, 848 01:15:45,800 --> 01:15:47,880 but... 849 01:15:48,040 --> 01:15:50,560 then I met this amazing Scottish woman. 850 01:15:50,680 --> 01:15:53,640 Terminally ill, never complained. 851 01:15:53,760 --> 01:15:57,680 Actually, no, she did complain about a lot of things. 852 01:15:57,840 --> 01:16:01,480 I heard recently that she passed away. 853 01:16:01,680 --> 01:16:07,080 But I was able to help her fulfill her dream to travel the world. 854 01:16:10,560 --> 01:16:15,520 Thank you, Lara. 855 01:16:54,280 --> 01:16:57,600 Hegg - An Island History, Second Edition. 856 01:16:57,760 --> 01:17:01,640 The Hegg is the furthermost drop of the outermost spray 857 01:17:01,800 --> 01:17:04,760 of the curling wave of the Outer Hebrides. 858 01:17:04,880 --> 01:17:08,200 But for those curious enough to take some time to discover her, 859 01:17:08,320 --> 01:17:12,320 Hegg's cliffs and moorlands, meadows and sandy beaches 860 01:17:12,520 --> 01:17:16,960 reveal her to be an island ready to exceed all expectations, 861 01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:19,920 a tiny rock of perfection 862 01:17:20,040 --> 01:17:23,560 jutting out of the restless Hebridean Sea. 863 01:17:23,800 --> 01:17:28,000 This is James Arber's new book. Much better, more mature. 864 01:17:28,200 --> 01:17:31,280 And only one chapter. 865 01:17:31,480 --> 01:17:33,920 Look. He dedicated it to Lara. 866 01:17:34,000 --> 01:17:38,320 Katie, but you're leaving again, so soon. 867 01:17:38,520 --> 01:17:40,680 Guidebooks don't write themselves. 868 01:17:40,760 --> 01:17:44,040 But I'll never forget who gave me my big break. 869 01:17:44,160 --> 01:17:47,360 I just came in to say hi and bye. I'm on the four o'clock boat. 870 01:17:47,520 --> 01:17:51,520 I've got a flight out to New Delhi and then onto Singapore. 871 01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:56,040 Harder to hit a moving target, eh? 872 01:17:56,240 --> 01:17:59,760 I should have known that bloody guidebook would take off. 873 01:17:59,920 --> 01:18:02,760 Idiot. 874 01:18:02,920 --> 01:18:05,520 It's not the same without you, Katie. 875 01:18:05,680 --> 01:18:10,000 Never was. We miss you. I miss you. 876 01:18:10,200 --> 01:18:12,400 There Katie, that's for you. 877 01:18:12,600 --> 01:18:17,560 It's a bride. For luck. It's the last one. 878 01:18:19,520 --> 01:18:22,040 - Thank you. - That'll be £1.50. 879 01:18:22,120 --> 01:18:25,760 - You off again, then, Katie? - I'm trying to. 880 01:18:25,920 --> 01:18:28,520 She'll be back. Her dad was a traveller, 881 01:18:28,640 --> 01:18:30,960 but her mam was a 'stay-at-home'. 882 01:18:31,040 --> 01:18:35,120 No, I'm not sure she was, deep down. 883 01:18:35,360 --> 01:18:37,400 I really need to... 884 01:18:37,520 --> 01:18:40,360 I'll warrant you're a bit of both. 885 01:18:40,560 --> 01:18:45,520 Goodbye, all. 886 01:19:20,120 --> 01:19:23,360 Hallo! 887 01:19:23,600 --> 01:19:28,560 Hello! Hello. 888 01:19:29,840 --> 01:19:32,960 - Long time no see. - Yeah. 889 01:19:33,080 --> 01:19:36,840 I was hoping for our first meeting to be a bit more casual. 890 01:19:37,000 --> 01:19:39,800 What are you doing here? 891 01:19:39,920 --> 01:19:43,320 I've been trying to get your attention with conventional weapons, 892 01:19:43,440 --> 01:19:46,320 - phones, emails, that sort of thing. - I've been away. 893 01:19:46,440 --> 01:19:49,080 Yeah, and you're leaving again. Did you not read my new book? 894 01:19:49,200 --> 01:19:54,320 - Not so much, no. - You really should have read it. 895 01:19:54,560 --> 01:19:59,000 - The Hegg Book Club gave it seven and a half. - Seven and a half? 896 01:19:59,160 --> 01:20:00,720 That's generous for the Hegg Book Club. 897 01:20:00,800 --> 01:20:02,760 They said it picked up around page six. 898 01:20:02,840 --> 01:20:07,240 - So you didn't see the dedication? - It's dedicated to Lara. 899 01:20:07,400 --> 01:20:11,720 No! It's not! 900 01:20:11,960 --> 01:20:16,960 It's not! 901 01:20:19,640 --> 01:20:24,600 "To my wife. A chapter can be a book." 902 01:20:25,240 --> 01:20:30,240 - What does he mean, a chapter can be a book? - I don't know. 903 01:20:33,360 --> 01:20:38,320 I don't know. 904 01:20:41,560 --> 01:20:46,520 Have you got a radio? 905 01:20:49,720 --> 01:20:53,000 He said to tell you, the only person he ever wed was you. 906 01:20:53,120 --> 01:20:58,080 But he and Lara let the press think they were married. 907 01:20:59,600 --> 01:21:04,600 He's not married? 908 01:21:06,320 --> 01:21:11,280 Katie, shall we go back? 909 01:21:14,120 --> 01:21:19,120 Would you mind? 910 01:21:32,120 --> 01:21:35,000 I can't believe you didn't read my book. 911 01:21:35,120 --> 01:21:37,240 I couldn't really bring myself to. 912 01:21:37,320 --> 01:21:42,000 Well, I hope you will one day, because there's a character in there 913 01:21:42,240 --> 01:21:46,040 kind of reminds me a lot of you. 914 01:21:46,280 --> 01:21:49,040 It's a book about a man, a really stupid man, 915 01:21:49,160 --> 01:21:51,840 who makes a really bad decision, 916 01:21:51,960 --> 01:21:56,960 and how he loses somebody amazing from his life. 917 01:21:57,360 --> 01:22:02,320 And how he comes to realise he cannot continue in his life... 918 01:22:03,080 --> 01:22:08,080 without her. 919 01:22:09,040 --> 01:22:13,400 They say write about what you know. 920 01:22:13,640 --> 01:22:18,640 So, obviously, I set it against the backdrop of the Spanish Civil War. 921 01:22:20,640 --> 01:22:24,240 - And Lara? - She's absolutely fine. 922 01:22:24,360 --> 01:22:27,400 We agreed we weren't right for each other. 923 01:22:27,520 --> 01:22:31,120 By the way, I read your excellent guidebook. 924 01:22:31,280 --> 01:22:33,200 Really? 925 01:22:33,280 --> 01:22:37,520 How embarrassing. I've been quite rude about you in the new edition. 926 01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:41,560 Well, I love intelligent feedback. 927 01:22:41,760 --> 01:22:44,920 And you're back on Hegg now because? 928 01:22:45,040 --> 01:22:47,760 I'm on a sheep-stealing raid, yeah. 929 01:22:47,880 --> 01:22:52,880 I thought I might grab myself a woman at the same time, but... 930 01:22:53,280 --> 01:22:58,280 Predominantly, it's a sheep-snatching thing. 931 01:23:10,320 --> 01:23:15,280 Do you want me to sign that for you? 932 01:23:49,800 --> 01:23:52,600 Hey. 933 01:23:52,760 --> 01:23:56,760 Hi. 934 01:23:56,960 --> 01:23:58,880 I like this one. 74862

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