All language subtitles for Cheats.2002.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].ENG

Boy: My whole life,
I always hated school.

We'll roll on
with our heads held high

oh, thank you,
snowball.

We'll roll on
with our heads held high

our conscience
in the gutter

our dreams up in the sky

the shipyards
are deserted

on the docks
of Melbourne town

the wharfs
still standing strong

they gathered 'round
to see

what the union
had to say

there's too much work

and not enough payday!

No more fs.

No more fs.

Our conscience
in the gutter

our dreams up in the sky

we'll roll on
with our heads held high

our conscience
in the gutter

our dreams
up in the sky

boy: All right, I admit it.

I took Mrs. Herman's
grade book.

I set fire to it.
I peed on it.

But before
you pass judgment,

you got to hear
my side of the story.

Let's go back
to the beginning.

That's me
in the window over there,

and that's my dad.

Now, I was only 5 years old,

but I already knew
that I hated school.

You see, I had just
gotten over the chickenpox,

and I was having a little
trouble making friends.

Ca-can I play
with you guys?

Why do you have dots
on your face?

Dot-face.

Boy:
And then I met Sammy.

Why can't we be friends?

Why can't
we be friends?

Why can't we be friends?

Boy: Now, this kid
really hated school.

He hated teachers,
he hated coloring,

he even hated recess.

It was incredible.

Woman: Sammy,
come on.

Why can't we be friends?

Why can't
we be friends?

Look at the big,
chubby baby.

It's disgusting.

What are you looking at?

I'll be your friend.

Handsome.

Sammy.

Handsome: Now, Sammy
was the worst speller in class,

and I felt really bad
for him,

so I decided
to help him out.

You stole
the answers?

C-i-o-p-a-t-h.

Sociopath.

That's correct, Sammy.

You're the winner.

Handsome: Now, Sammy and I,

we cheated our way
through elementary school.

By the time
we got to junior high,

we were experts.

You're late,
Davis.

Hey, relax, man.
Everything's cool.

I thought I told you
to come alone.

He's cool.
He's my partner.

Handsome:
Evan rosengarden.

When we needed
a book report,

a term paper, or a science
project, we went to him.

You see, he would do anything
for a little porn,

as long
as it wasn't soft-core.

This better not
be soft-core.

I hate soft-core.

So does my dad.

Handsome: It was
a smooth operation

holy smokes.

Until rosengarden
got sloppy.

Uh, yes, well,
the reason I'm calling,

Mr. Davis, is, uh,
is because, uh, your son

gave my son
a dirty movie.

Yeah, and it was perhaps
the weirdest dirty movie

that I've ever seen.

I want to know how
handsome got his hands

on something
thissuper dirty.

Perhaps, uh,
you should talk to him.

Oh, don't worry. I will.

I most certainly will.

Handsome.

Yes, daddy?

Um

listen

handsome:
Now, my dad's porn was so weird,
he wasn't gonna talk about it.

Was there something
you wanted to tell me?

Handsome:
And the truth is, that was the
least of his problems with me.

Good night.

Good night, daddy.

I mean, I wouldn't get up
to go to school

in the morning
without putting up a fight.

Now, being a single parent
is never easy,

especially
when your kid is me.

Here he comes.
Here he comes.

I taught him
that move.

Basically,
we were at war,

and I wasn't going to
let him win.

I am not going to
let you win!

He used to threaten to
send me away all the time,

and I would threaten to
run away from home.

Sammy was always there
to talk me out of it.

That's a big-ass
suitcase.

Listen, handsome,

I need some help
with geometry

you know,
some secret help.

Geometry?

I don't go to school
anymore.

Everybody
has to go to school.

Not me.

Well, listen, handsome,
this is crazy.

Where are you
gonna sleep?

Well, I'm not sleeping
at the nut house.

My dad told me that
they got kids there

that eat their own shit

with a fork and knife.

Really?
Yes.

Really.

Handsome:
Hello, world!

Handsome: Now, this used
to happen all the time

but Sammy knew that I was
always gonna come back

and I was always
going to help him cheat.

Did you say something
about geometry?

You bet your frickin' ass
I did.

By the time
we got to high school,

Sammy and I had taken cheating
to a whole other level.

We had gone from
small-time spelling bees

to mid-terms, finals,
and everything in between.

You name it, we stole it.

Now, there were 2 other guys
we always worked with.

Everything's cool?

Now, Sammy and I
may have hated school,

but Victor hated everything.

His motto was,
I hate everything.

Now, we all took our jobs
very seriously

you finished yet?

But nobody took it
as seriously as applebee.

Brilliance
requires Patience.

You see, he was the man in
charge of the crib sheets.

Now, every cheating outfit
needs a guy who can write small,

and this guy
wrote crazy small.

Handsome: That
is a masterpiece.

It should be hanging
in a museum.

I hate museums.

The four of us
were a real solid unit.

We were efficient,
we were loyal,

and we had our own copy
of the janitor's key.

Do you know why you're here?

Did I win an award
or something?

No, you did not win
any awards.

You have something
you want to tell me?

I love you?

Stand up.

I don't understand.

I said stand up.

That's a ball.

That's another ball.

They like to travel together.

Marla, he doesn't
have them on him.

I'd like you to schedule
an assembly for sixth period.

I know what you kids
say about me.

Well, I'm not a bitch.

I am not a lesbian.

I am notmedusa.

You know, I wasn't always
a principal.

When I was your age

every weekend, we'd go
to the wrong side of town

so that we could listen
to live negro music.

Yes.

Can I get my award now?

Get outnow.

Handsome: Ok, the cornerstone
of our operation was the key.

Everything's cool?
It's cool.

Handsome: It opened every
door in the school,

so we could steal
any test at any time.

Oh. Hey, guys, I saved
some seats for you.

The key is what
put us on top.

Biology is
killing me.

We love being on top

I'd do anything
for some help.

Or the bottom.
They're both good.

So, you're gonna
hook us up, right?

We'll talk later.

I heard a rumor that stark
is shutting you guys down.

Mrs. Stark: Everybody
please take a seat.

Do I look shut down?

This isn't funny,
Davis.

If I lose
my eligibility,

I'm gonna stab you.

Cribmaster.

Handsome:
See, everybody was looking
to get ahead,

and we always
had the answers.

I'm sorry about
the stabbing thing.

I overreacted.
You're the greatest.

This is the second time I am
asking you to be seated.

I will not ask again.

North point academy
is not a public school.

We do not have
public school problems

no teen pregnancies,
no gunplay, no drug epidemics.

Public school
is so much cooler.

We do, however, seem to be
in the midst of a crisis.

Girl, coughing:
Douchebag.

Girl, coughing:
Douchebag.

Will somebody
please get her out of here?

Girl, coughing:
Douchebag.

Girl:
Douchebag.

Douchebag!

She's not doing dildo
anymore?

No, she's back
to douchebag.

I had a telephone call
this morning

from one of your parents

who gave me some
very disturbing information.

Apparently,
a group of seniors

has gotten its hands
on a copy of the janitor's key.

I hate rats.

As we speak, a locksmith is
going throughout the school,

changing the locks
on every single door.

Oh.

No more tests
will be stolen.

Pass it down. I want everyone
to get detention today.

Detention.

Detention.

Sweet.

Trash bag. Trash bag.

Trash bag. Trash bag.

Trash bag. Trash bag.

We got to do a job today.

Doyouhave
a headinjury?

We've got to
do a job today.

Stark's threat has everyone
else running scared.

We do a job today,
we go down as legends.

Does anybody have
any tests coming up?

Does anyone know of
any tests that's coming up?

How can there be no tests
coming up? This is school.

Applebee:
But Teddy doesn't cheat.

Handsome:
I know all about Teddy.

Teddy!

Can I talk to you
for a second?

As I'm sure
you know,

me and my
associates here

like to do favors
for people.

You know my position.

Handsome: Now,
Teddy hated cheating.

As far as she was concerned,

the only true act of rebellion
was cursing out a teacher.

Just hear me out.

How many times have you been
forced to see Dr. Newman?

I don't know.
Like 7, maybe 8 times.

That guy is nosy.

He's the school psychologist.
That's his job.

Well, I don't care who he is.
That guy's nosy.

Ok. What would you
say if I told you

that I could get you
your file from his office?

You could read
every little word

he's ever written
about why you do

what you do.

This one's free.

Spread the word.

We're still
in business.

Handsome: Detention
at our school

meant helping the janitor
clean the building,

and that meant that there
was only one man

standing in our way.

Oh, my god!

Somebody
just puked in there!

Puked.

You knowvomited?

Every day, somebody make
a puke in my school.

Well, we don't need no one
to tell us what to do

oh, yes,
we're on our own

and there's nothing
you can do

so we don't need
no one like you

to tell us what to do

'cause I'm a brat,
and I know everything

and I talk back

'cause I'm not listening
to anything you say

north-south
elevator.

Go

Well,
we don't need no one

to tell us what to do

oh, yes,
we're on our own

and there's nothing
you can do

so we don't need
no one like you

to tell us what to do

and if you count to 3,
1, 2, 3

you'll see
it's no emergency

you'll see
I'm not the enemy

just a prisoner
of soci-ie-ie-iety

mother of crap!

I'm freaking out
here, man.

Handsome's
gone too far.

We're not even
stealing a test.

What are you doing here? You're
supposed to be by the elevator!

WellI'm not.

Handsome Davis.

What's the matter
with you?

When he's in there,

he's gonna
look at my file.

I have se
I have secrets.

This is unacceptable!

Get your ass
back to the elevator.

Ii have a right
to my privacy.

Now!

Teddy, Teddy.

I only have
one question.

Where are

your trash bags?

Something fish.

We're dead.

We're not dead.

Th-th-there is
a person up here.

I no understand.

Hehe take sleep.

What you doing?

Where am I?

You're in my roof.

My school.
My beauty.

He's panicking.
He's not panicking.

He's getting stronger.

Do you think you could
help me down, 'cause

I'm a little scared
of heights.

Help yourself!

Aah!

You!

You broke my roof
in my school!

My roof you broke!

No, I didn't.

I just
see you there.

It wasn't me.

Janitor:
You up in roof.

No, I wasn't.

Oh, you must be confusing me
with somebody else.

Oh! Oh!

Huh? Huh? Huh?

We can sit here all day
and argue, but let's agree

to disagree.

Wait!

Uh

what's
your name?

My name?

Yes.

My name is
Jimmy Carter.

Jimmy Carter.

Your name?

Teddy Roosevelt.

Roosevelt. You?

Franklin delano Roosevelt.

There's, uh,
no relation there.

Dude, we're screwed.

They actually were related.

You idiot.

He doesn't know that.

You're racist.

Shut up!

What is your name, huh?

Handsome:
Now, there was still plenty of
other presidents to pick from.

George Washington,
Abraham Lincoln,

Zachary Taylor

but applebee, well,
applebee was applebee.

N-N-Napplebee.

This is all
because of you, napplebee.

Stop calling me
napplebee.

You know, I should
kick your ass right now,

n-n-napplebee.
Not my name.

I don't care.
I'll kick your ass!

What about my ass?

You kick ass, you
have to kick my ass.

I kick all ass.

Victor,

count to 10.

Handsome:
Now, let me explain
something about Victor.

Victor was famous
for always having a plan.

I have a plan.

I think we should
kick napplebee's ass.

That's not
gonna happen.

The man abandoned his post
in the middle of a job.

He has to pay
for his sins.

He writes
crazy small.

Let's do this
one more time.

Applebee,
what did you have?

Ii had
a dream.

And in that dream,
you looked at my file.

Did you look
at my file?

Applebee?

I had a nestle's crunch.
Excellent.

Anybody can make
a blanket denial,

but a great liar
gives you details.

No matter what
she says she knows,

all we gotta do is
give her the details

because, my friends,

bullshit is in the details.

Mrs. Starks: Were you up
in the ceiling yesterday?

I don't remember.

How can you not remember
whether or not

you were up
in the ceiling?

I'm not so good at memory.

Is he the one?

Yes, that's him.

Jimmy Carter.

Do you want to tell me what
you were doing in the ceiling?

Oh.

You mean the ceiling
by the candy closet?

What were you doing
up there?

I already told you. I was
getting candy. I remember.

I wanted a bar,
but had a $5.00 bill.

I had to buy 5 instead of 1
because it didn't have any 1's.

Mrs. Starks: What?

You said, if we did't
sell enough candy

there'd be no trip.
I figured I'd climb up there,

leave the money,
and take the candy.

Are you trying to sabotage
the senior trip?

What I don't
understand is

what were Sammy, Victor

and Jonathan doing
up there with you?

I can't eat 5
by myself.

Applebee had a nestle's crunch,
Victor a snickers,

Sammy had 2 snickers,
and me a Reese's pieces.

If you don't believe me,
ask the guys. They'll agree too.

Your friends told me they
weren't getting candy bars.

In fact, they admitted
they were cheating.

And they said you were
behind the whole thing.

Now

you tell me the truth,

and I promise I won't be
that hard on you.

Jonathan Jacob applebee.

Nestle's crunch.
That's all I'm saying.

I am sick and tired

of your special ed
bullshit!

Jonathan Jacob applebee.

Nestle's crunch.
That's all I'm saying.

I'm still not sure
what it is

you were doing
up in the ceiling

we were
getting candy.

But I know you weren't
getting candy.

I also know that you've been
pulling detention on purpose

so that you could be alone
in school with Marty.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

If I punish you
for cheating,

it will have to go
on the permanent record,

so instead I am
reducing it to

destruction
of school property.

That'll be
3 days suspension,

and your parents
have to come to school.

And I'm gonna tell them
what I'm telling you.

This is your final warning.

Radio: The forecast
calls for showers

and thunderstorms today.

Strong southwesterly winds
up to 37

I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy.

3-day suspension.
This

is this how
I brought you up?

Your behavior is

completely
inappropriate.

Inappropriate?

Dog porn.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Don't bullshit me, dad. It was
in the corner of the closet.

All right, first of all
first of all, all right

Whatabout

the doberman?

Look

I know I'm in no position
to preach to you.

I'm sure you don't even
respect me,

but I care about you,

and I care about
your future.

And I am begging you
begging you

stop the cheating.
Please.

Stop the cheating.

Handsome:
And I did stop cheating.

It lasted 3 days.

Somebody want to take
a stab at it?

Handsome: Now, Mr. Harkin
was a real genius.

The problem was
that he was so smart

no one ever had a clue
what he was talking about.

I can't believe
no one else knows this.

Ok, let's get a couple
of things straight.

I don't like to have
my teaching methods questioned,

and I especially don't like it
when parents call me at home.

And I really don't like
to have to hear sob stories

about how badly
certain students

need to get into
tufts university.

Mr. Shapiro, you don't need
to take notes on this.

Boy: Loser!

But you can write down
the following:

Tomorrow's regents' exam
will count as your midterm,

and no amount
of parental pressure

will change that.

Butthat's not fair.

You haven't taught us
any of the material

on the regents'.

Everything
will be covered

at today's review.

You know what? I have taught
in the heart of a ghetto,

and none
of those ghetto kids

were anywhere near as whiny
as any of you.

Did you get that,
Mr. Shapiro?

Um, Mr. Harkin?
I can't make the review

because I have
a doctor's appointment.

Well, unless you want
to fail my class,

I suggest you get your
notes from someone else.

Uh, don't worry, Mr. Harkin.

I'll cover him.

This is bullshit, man.
He never taught us anything

from the regents'.

He's just too lazy
to make up his own test.

You know what that means,
don't you?

Unpassable?

Unpassable.

Handsome: Cheaters love to
use the word unpassable.

And usually it's
just bullshit, you know?

A way to justify what we do.

In this case, however,
we truly were dealing

with an unpassable test.

You do the eyeball,
I'll do the crisis.

Which crisis?

If they're your friends,
they'll understand.

I don't like
that one, man.

It's gross.

It works.

Handsome: The best way
to distract a teacher

is to manufacture
a teen identity crisis.

Mr. Harkin?

Can I talk to you
a minute?

Sure, handsome.

Handsome:
Now, I could have exploited

my parents' divorce
or faked an eating disorder,

but I knew
an even better way

to grab
Mr. Harkin's attention.

Sometimes, um

when i'm
in the locker room

and, uh

everybody gets

naked, um

I feel really funny.

Funny?

Funny how?

Uh

there's nothing

wrong with admiring
the male form.

Just don't, um,

stare at it for too long.
It's, um

frowned upon.

So I'm not going
to hell?

Of course not.

God doesn't hate me.

Your god doesn't hate you.

What about my friends?

Well

if they're really
your friends, then, uh,

they'll understand.

Right. Let's
get started, everyone.

Hey, did I hear
you guys doing

a crisis on harkin?
'Cause I am in.

Handsome?

Can I speak to you alone
for a second, please?

Yeah, uh

I'll be right back.

Thanks.

Victor: He has to pay
for his mistakes.

Handsome:
He's one of us.

He's good
at what he does.

I admit it.

He writes crazy small.

Yeah, you know,
you keep saying that,

but who cares?

Applebee broke protocol.

We have to shut him out now.
Teach him a lesson.

Just this once.

But you have to promise me
you'll start being cool again.

I promise.

Let it out

go away

What are you doing here?

Helping Sammy study.
What are you doing here?

Uh

the same.
Yeah.

Handsome: I never
really understood Julie.

I mean, she actually
believed that hard work

and determination
would pay off.

What a sucker.

What are you
looking at?

A woman.

It seemed like
only yesterday

she was just a girl,
but now

she's a woman.

Handsome: I don't know
if it was because of Julie

or Mrs. Stark or what,
but Sammy started to change,

and I was not about
to let that happen.

Hey, man.
What's up?

Why weren't you
at the review today?

I told you I had
a doctor's appointment.

A doctor's appointment.
I get it.

You're not going to school
tomorrow, are you?

You're gonna fake sick.
You're gonna retest.

It's the lowest form
of cheating.

I'd never do
the sick cheat.

I despise
the sick cheat.

I'm just
using Julie's notes

to help me study.

She takes great notes.

So you must know 'em
cold by now then.

Yeah, I wish.

Well, let me give you
a few pointers.

A. Excuse me. B,

d, d, a, b.

Get out.

You don't have to do anything.
The hard part's over.

We were lucky last time.

Nothing went
on our permanent record.

I like my permanent
record the way it is.

Lucky.

That's Julie talk.

Look, I've decided
to study. That's it.

Ok.

All right.

I'm leaving.

Here I go.
Out the door.

But I have news for you.

There's no such thing
as a permanent record.

The permanent record

is something they invented

to get inside
your head with.

It only exists
if you believe in it.

Really?

Yes, really.

The greatest hoax in the history
of institutionalized education

is the myth
of the permanent record.

And let me tell you
something.

Sammy green is not
about to fall for it.

Do you know what
this test is?

Don't do this to me.

Do you know what it is?

You're a bad person.

Do you know what it is?

It's unpassable.

What is it?!

It's unpassable.
I can't hear you.

It's unpassable!
And what are we gonna do?

We're gonna pass.

Pencils.

Bubble smackers.

Jimmy Carter!

Um

no, thank you.

These are big letters.

I did the best I could,
but I'm no cribmaster.

Drop it.
The letters are fine.

We need applebee.
It's not late.

Forget about the crib sheets.
This is multiple choice.

This is cake.
Cake?

What if Victor mis-sequenced
on the eyeball?

Hey! How do I know you didn't
mis-sequence on the crib sheets?

Applebee never
mis-sequenced.

Who's applebee?

Come on!

Hey!

Look, nobody
mis-sequenced.

This is business.

And today

we do it
without applebee.

You have 45 minutes.

There will be
no bathroom breaks.

You have 40 minutes.

There will be
no bathroom breaks.

When I say,
pencils down

all pencils
must be down.

Turn your papers over.

Time to begin.

You may begin.

Handsome: Ok, first of all,
you gotta remember

never to sit next to somebody
that you're cheating with.

It looks too suspicious.

And then there's
crib sheets.

Crib sheets are
a tricky thing,

but I swear by them.

Never write on your body.
Never write on your clothing.

You always have to be able
to destroy the evidence

at a moment's notice.

Now when you're done
copying off your sheet,

just keep looking busy.

Mr. Harkin: All right.

Pencils down, everyone.

Pass your papers forward.

Handsome: And perhaps
most importantly,

always get
a couple wrong.

Always leave
a couple blank.

Neverand I mean never

get 100%.

You made me fail.

I made myself fail.

I exhibited
unprofessional behavior.

Look, my
my cribbing skills

are worthless
without you guys.

I have finished
grading your exams,

but first
I would like to see

the following students
outside:

Sammy green, handsome Davis,
and Victor barone.

You punks

must think
I'm some kind of an idiot.

What the hell are
you talking about?

What am I talking about?

What am I

I got a classroom
full of kids in there,

and the highest Mark
that anybody got was 55.

Sammy, you got 81.

Uh, handsome,
you got 84.

And Victor,
you got 100%.

Congratulations, Victor.

Can anybody
explain to me

the root of
this freak occurrence?

What the hell
am I doing out here?

Handsome, calm down!

Do you think I cheated?!

Give me the test right now,
Mr. Harkin, right now!

All right,
III'll

I'll give you the test
next period.

No, not next period.

Right now! Right now!

I'll take it right now!

I'm ready for the test.

Handsome

put your shirt back on
and go back to class.

I'm sorry I accused you.

Was hampston involved?

No, not at all.

You're certain?

Yeah.
He's a good kid.

He's just a little
confused right now.

But he knows
his physics.

All right, then.

It's time
to get ugly.

What do you think
she'll do?

I shouldn't be
talking to you.

That excites you,
doesn't it?

Do you want to go
out for a drink?

What happened?
What happened?

Oh, well,
look who it is.

The great leader
of men.

Just tell me
what happened.

I'll take it right now!

That was awesome, handsome.
You're the man!

You're the man, handsome!

You know, she's
sending out red letters

with their transcripts.
This is serious.

No, it's not.

Julie,
both you and I know

that there's no such thing
as a permanent record.

Oh, that's right.

It's just something
they invented

to get inside
your head with.

The greatest hoax
in the history

of institutionalized
education

stop it!

Is the myth
of the permanent record.

Handsome: Now,
stark's biggest threat was

that she could keep us
out of college.

See, a red letter on
your permanent record meant

that no college would even
consider your application.

Handsome: Look, I am really
sorry about the red letter.

Please just pick up
the phone.

By the way, in case
you were wondering

who this is,
this is handsome.

Handsome Davis.
We met in kindergarten.

I was the kid
with the chicken pox. Dot-face.

Does any of this
ring a bell?

Sammy: I've been thinking
about this,

and things have gotten
out of hand.

Victor and I might not
get into college.

She's bluffing.

You don't know that.
You don't know everything.

Yeah

handsome.

Sammy: It's time for us
to get out.

I don't know.
Go legit.

Start doing
whatever it takes

to get into
a good college.

What's it gonna be,
handsome?

I promise to stop
cheating on tests

but I'm still
gonna plagiarize.

Handsome: We agreed
to quit cheating,

but Sammy took it
one step further.

Yes?
I'm with the student court.

Handsome:
I couldn't believe it.

My best friend
was a founding member

of an extracurricular
activity.

What's
the student court?

I don't know.

I think
they went soft.

Oh, douchebag!

Teddy, it says here
you have detention

for the rest
of the school year.

I could do that time

standing on my head.

Mm-hmm.

It also says you'll be
attending summer school.

Why are you
bothering me, dildo?

I mean, douchebag.

Because I can
get you out of it

if you let me
take your case.

Handsome: Ever since
the first grade,

I had been making fun
of the studiers.

Nowi was one of 'em.

Davis,
I need a favor.

Look,
I'm sorry, man.

I'm out of
the favor business.

This is important.

Look, I've been
clean for 9 weeks.

Try, uh, lipnick

or, uh,
the Benjamin brothers.

You know what?
I take back every

apology I've ever
made to you guys.

Student court.

This is all your fault.

Youyou turned us into
a bunch of shapiros.

I'm not a shapiro.

I'm an advocate
for student rights.

You're the founding member
of an extracurricular activity.

What makes you think you're
any different from shapiro?

I don't take notes.

I said this before,
and I will say it again.

Handsome: Mrs. Herman.

Herman was
one of those teachers

who loved the sound
of her own voice.

She thought that
she could make us take notes

on everything she said,
but we had other plans.

The only way
to pass my class

is to take good notes.

Or have a friend
who takes good notes.

Hey, noga.

You want
to be friends?

Mr. Barone?

Would you like an f
in my grade book right now?

No, ma'am.

Now as I was saying,
if you've taken good notes

like Mr. Shapiro
over here

you will have no problem
on tomorrow's test.

Don't worry.

I'll photocopy them
after school,

and you can pick
them up at my place.

Thanks, noga.

You know, you're
a really cool girl.

Handsome:
Victor used to say

that note-taking was for
suckers.

Why take notes

when there's always a girl

willing to give it up
for free?

I stand here
before you

knee-deep
in the bullshit.

English.

I don't get it.
None of the girls

are willing to
give up their notes.

It's like they all
of a sudden have

self-esteem.

That's impossible.

It's a little possible.

It was Julie.

It doesn't make sense.

Why should we keep giving
our notes to the boys?

Do you want some boy
who's not shapiro

taking your admission spot
from your reach school?

Just because we're giving
them notes doesn't mean that

tufts.

Julie:
They'll ignore you

when they're
in a penthouse in Manhattan

and you're sitting
in an apartment in the dark

because you can't pay
your electric bill.

She got waitlisted.

I'm waitlisted
because of them.

She's taking it
pretty hard.

We are not whores.

We are not whores

she got
to every single girl.

She is good.

We are not whores.

Hey, what about shapiro?

What do you think,
shapiro?

III'm not a whore.

I hate shapiro.

I should kick his ass.

My money's
on shapiro.

Handsome: The book.

We should only be tested
on what's in the book.

Note-taking should
not be mandatory.

We should not have
to listen to her

when she talks.

It's not fair.
Fair?

If she wanted to, she could
factor in spelling or conduct

or penmanship.

Hey

I have a plan.

Boy: Hello?

Hello. Um

is Mrs. Herman there?

No. She's gone to bed.

Would you like
to leave a message?

Is this her son?

Yeahuh, yes.

Wellyou don't know me,
but I'm your real father.

The one whogave you up.

The one who never loved you.

I just called to tell you

that my feelings
haven't changed.

Boy: Why?

Why are you
doing this to me?

Because I hate adoption.

Have a pleasant evening.

Why would you do
something like that?

What?

Because adoption
is an unnatural act.

It's against god's plan.

What?!

Adoption
is awesome.

It keeps poor
kids off crime.

You called from my house.
From my phone.

We're going to get 69ed
with the star.

You know

I don't know about you

but I hate grade book,

and I hate
her fake little kids.

You're being insane.

Do you even know them?

Yeah, I know them
a little.

From gymnastics camp.

They're freaks.

Call the freaks up
and apologize.

I got a plan.

Hey, listen, kid.

I screwed up.

Adoption is awesome.

It keeps poor kids
off crime.

Now, if you give me
that test,

I'll give you 47 bucks.

I was thinking something
more like400.

Jesus, you are
so goddamned greedy.

It is what it is.

Fine. Have it
your way, greedy.

400 it is.

Look, I am
a businessman.

I'll get you
that test.

That was beautiful.

Well, I know how to deal
with adopted kids.

Does anyone know
rexler's number?

Do this
somewhere else.

What is
your problem?

It's like a sickness
with you.

It's time to grow up.

Teddy's on the wagon.

Teddy's on the wagon?

Teddy stopped cursing.

She realized she couldn't be
an idiot forever.

Teddy was never
an idiot.

She was a genius,

and you killed her.

Sammy

this is bigger
than me, you,

and Teddy put together.

This is note-taker
versus non-note-taker.

This is teacher
versus student.

Corrupting the children
of the grade book?

This is our chance
to become part of history.

Get out of my house.

Come on, man.
Peer pressure.

Peerpressure.

Peer pressure.

Peer pressure.

Big deal!
We're not gonna get caught.

You won't. You'll weasel
your way out of it.

Just do me a favor.
Just get out of my house.

Are you breaking up
with me?

Just get out.

Yo!

Get rexler on the line.

Rexler.

Dude, where's
your dad?

Home-wrecker.

Please hold for handsome.

Rexler, tonight's
your lucky night.

Is there something
goin' on around me?

Is there something
I should know?

This job is too big.

It's not too big.

It's too big!

Boy: Hello?

All right, greedy.

I got your money.

Mr. Victor,
we got a problem.

We got a problem.

Victor:
Greedy was ambushed

by his own fake brother.

It's like I always say,

you can't trust
a fake brother.

Ok. Tell him
that he can

split the 4 bills
with greedy 2 and 2.

He doesn't want money.

That adopted little prick.

Get him on the phone.

Everybody's got a price.

Victor: 600.

No, thank you.

800?

No, thank you.

1,000.

No means no, Mr. Victor.

Do you remember
the balance beam?

Yeah.

If it wasn't for me, you'd
have no dismount. You know it.

I don't want
your dirty money.

We're screwed.

We're not screwed.

Who was the hottest girl
at camp?

What?

Who had the best body,
the biggest tits, sweetest smell

give me something.

Allison westbrook.

She smelled

amazing.

Handsome,
you're a genius.

I'm gonna promise
the kid a hand job.

Are you crazy?

That's what
we're doing, right?

We're selling sex?

No, my friends.

We're selling romance!

What?

The kid's only 15.

He wants
the whole package.

He wants to go horseback
riding on the beach.

He wants
a candlelit dinner.

Hehe wants to sip champagne
with her in a hot tub.

I would love to sip
champagne in a hot tub.

You guys are so
very, very wrong.

Just trust me.

Handsome: Now, we didn't
even know Allison.

We didn't know her phone number
or where she lived.

But we knew how to lie.

Victor:
Do you remember

Allison westbrook?

I think about her
all the time.

She smelled
like a moist flower.

Well, then
it's your lucky day,

because she is a close
personal friend of mine.

And I was talking
to her a while ago

on the phone,
and she said

that she'd be willing

to go horseback riding
with you on the beach

andto have
a candlelight dinner with you

and sit in a tub
and drink champagne.

I don't know, man.

How about
a hand job?

2 hand jobs

and a dry hump.

Deal.

That's one
horny little bastard.

Romantic. Heh.

Hello.

Say I didn't get
the test.

He didn't get the test.

All right.
Now don't say anything.

Just listen.

I got the test,

and it was beautiful.

I get to the house,
and horny and greedy

are both there
waiting for me.

Psst, Mr. Victor.

My brother has something
he wants to tell you.

I want
what he wants.

I was blown away.

Turns out greedy
is just as horny

as horny.

I knew it.

So I renegotiate.

Here's the new plan.

Get everybody out of there.

Tell them, uh,
the party's over.

Explain.

We cannot get away with this
with 6 different people.

Somebody's bound
to screw it up.

This is the smart move.
Listen,

you got 20 minutes to get
everybody out of there

so we can look up
the answers together.

Just you and me.

Why?

I just couldn't screw
everybody like that.

Oh, really?

I'll take it
right now.

I'll take it
right now.

I'll take it
right now.

You're angry.

But now

is not the time
to deal with that anger.

Soput your shirt
back on,

and let's go look up
answers.

Whew.

You're a real idiot,
napplebee, you know that?

You're not in charge
of me, Victor.

I am in charge.
I got the test.

That means
I'm in charge.

Napplebee.

Cribmaster or applebee.

Not napplebee.

Hey,
Victor's right.

You can't crib with this
many people. It's too risky.

Tonight, we sing.

I don't sing.

I crib.

Tonight,
everybody sings.

Nobody cribs.

Who died and made you
Victor, king of cheaters?

At least
I'm actually a cheater.

What are you saying?

I'm a cheater!
No, you're not!

You're not a cheater.
You just write small.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

I don't wanna
hurt you

but maybe

maybe

maybe

m-maybe

let him go, rexler.

Hit me.

You have to
hit him now.

Ok? Those are the rules.

Did you look
at my file?

You have to hit him.

Did you see the thing
about my penis?

I'm not gonna
let you get hurt.

Ok? I promise.

Just hit him.

Hit me.
Hit me!

What's it gonna be,
nipplebee?

Hit me!

Sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

I got angry,
confused, scared.

Handsome: So we
looked up the answers,

and we finished
making up the song,

but something was missing.
At least, for me it was.

See, I started cheating
when I was 6 years old,

but this was the first time
I ever cheated without Sammy.

Hello?

Crippled elves
do dance around

a devil covered
by blue dress

I'm in no mood
for Beethoven.

It's not Beethoven.
It's the answer song.

We got the test.

Congratulations,

but I really just want
to go back to sleep.

Dairy causes diarrhea

chunky, creamy
butter cheese

see you at school.

Wait, wait, wait.
Seriously, wait.

Bad Billy does dope

bitches and brews

but can't even build
a cigarette-

Crippled elves
do dance around

a devil covered
by blue dress

dairy causes diarrhea

chunky, creamy
butter cheese

bad Billy does dope,
bitches, and brews

but can't even build
a cigarette boat

Allah bangs
booze every day

above a bridge
behind a cave

handsome:
Nobody left too early.

Nobody got too many right.

Everything
was going perfectly.

It was a cheating miracle.

Carpet crawler
can't eat eagle

before chicken
during day

time's up, everyone.

If I see anyone writing
on their papers now,

I will put 7 fs
in the grade book.

Handsome: It seemed
too good to be true.

Sammyvictor

Mrs. Stark
would like to see you.

I assumed after I handed down
my punishment to you

that you would've been
smart enough

to leave cheating
behind you.

My sources tell me

that's exactly
what you have done.

I am so proud of you,

especially you, Sammy,

for starting
the student court.

And here are
your red letters.

I want you to keep them
as souvenirs.

Heh heh. You know,

I am no stranger
to rebellion.

When I was your age

and we used to pile
into the phone booth,

I was always at the bottom
of the pile.

Yep.

To the myth of
the permanent record.

I'll drink to that.

Mr. Victor,
this is horny.

My brother and I
are very interested

in collecting what
is rightfully ours.

If you do not make good
on your offer,

we will have no choice

but to

to continue calling.

Handsome: As we got closer
to graduation,

the only thing
that mattered anymore

was getting into college.

You see, the thick envelope
means you're in,

and the thin envelope means
you are screwed.

Aah!

Now, the best part
about getting into college

is that there's no reason
to behave anymore.

Most teachers just accept it,
look the other way,

but Herman

Herman was different.

You kids are so naive.

What you don't realize

is that your
college acceptances

are contingent upon

your final
high school transcript.

Don't screw with me

because this grade book
can keep you out of college.

I hate
that grade book.

That grade book
is a shapiro.

You can't say that.
The grade book is a thing.

Yeah

but it has
shapiro power.

Yes, it does.

It does, indeed.

You're late, Mr. Green.
That's an f for today.

I wasn't late.
I was here. I just

that's another f
for talking back.

Now, I have to leave class
to make a personal call.

I suggest you use
the time wisely.

There might be
a quiz tomorrow.

My name is Mrs. Herman.

I'm a bitch.

She could come back
any second.

Take it easy, shapiro.

The f.

For 12 years

they have been
using the f.

12 years

of us doing stuff
we don't wanna do

all because of

the f.

So, what happens?

We finally make it
to the finish line,

and this bitch tries
to use the f

one last time.

You know what?
F the f.

Taking all the fs away.

All right, Davis.

Send it.

What?

The grade book.
Throw me the grade book.

Let's do it, man.

Let's get rid of all the grades:
A through f.

They are the tools
of the enemy.

Come on, man.

Don't do it.

Don't tell me
what to do.

No more fs.

No more fs.

Herman: I thought I could
treat you like adults,

but you're not.
You're animals

uncivilized animals.

Do you people have any idea
how much time I spend

giving out grades,

grading your papers,
grading your exams,

grading your homework
assignments?

That grade book is my life.

Dude, we just pissed
on her life.

Heh.

If I don't have that book
by tomorrow morning,

no more senior trip.

No yankee game,
no death of a salesman.

Jesus, man.

Everybody wanted
that trip.

It's only a matter of time
before somebody talks.

Grades

are the way we maintain
order in this institution. Hmm?

This morning,
on my way into my office,

I noticed a letter

that had been slipped
under my door.

Dear Mrs. Stark,

last Tuesday, I along with
20 fellow students,

witnessed the taking
of Mrs. Herman's grade book.

It is unfair for an entire
class to be punished

for the sins
of an individual.

And that individual is

Victor barone.

Signed, anonymous.

Why are you telling
me this?

This has nothing
to do with me.

Because I am tired
of playing the cop.

I want the student court
to handle this.

The student court's
really busy right now.

Handsome: I thought
that the four of us

would be friends forever.

You have it cleaned up
by graduation.

But stark finally
figured out a way

to tear us apart.

Whoever did this,

did this

so that they could
see me go down.

I'll handle this.

Now, applebee,

this is serious.

Did you write
the letter?

This isthis is
the United States of America.

What are you
talking about?

The letter doesn't really
mean anything on its own,

I'll have to interview everyone
that was there that day.

If one person goes on record
that they saw you take it,

you're finished.

That'll be my job.

To make sure
no one testifies.

Ok, but I don't know
anything about that.

I understand.

What are we gonna do
about applebee?

I'll take care
of napplebee.

I'll kick his ass.

I don't want you
doing anything.

I don't want you
talking to anybody.

Just be cool.

Sammy's right.
You gotta stay cool.

I gotta say, Sammy,
it feels great

to be back
in business with you.

Yeah, really great.

You're pathetic.

I'm pathetic?

I didn't work my ass off
and then got rejected by tufts.

Honestly, handsome,

I would love to see
you guys go down,

all of you.

I'm sorry you feel
that way, Julie.

But let me paint you
a little picture.

Graduation

they call your name.

You're on your way
to pick up your diploma.

Then you hear your classmates
chanting something.

You can't make it out
at first, but

it starts to get louder
and louder.

Julie is a rat.

Julie is a rat.

Please just state your name
for the record.

This is such a joke.

Just state your name
for the record.

You're a joke.

This is awesome.

Nobody talked.
We're in the clear.

Are we?

Handsome: Now,
Victor was famous

for having some
pretty crappy plans,

but this one had to be
the crappiest.

You can't hold me down
you can't get the best of me

can't hold me down
can't get the best of me

can't hold me down
you can't get the best of me

can't hold me
can't get the best of me

can't hold me down
you can't get the best of me

can't hold me
can't get the best of me

napplebee.

Napplebee!

Napplebee!!

Napplebee!!

And I didi didn't see
because that morning

I had woken up with
an eye infection.

Sometimes I get

I wanna go on
the record now.

What?

I want to do this
right now.

Sammy: Victor
is gonna destroy you.

Well, hallelujah.

Why do you want to
do this to yourself?

Napplebee!

My name

is not napplebee.

Not

crapplebee.

It's not apple
butt.

Please state your name
for the record.

My name

is Jonathan

Jacob applebee.

I am gonna bash
that kid's head in

with a hammer.

If the jury
finds you guilty,

which they will,

you're gonna be expelled.

Stark won't even let you
walk at graduation.

My parents
are gonna kill me.

There is another way.

I have the authority
to offer you a deal.

You know

he's never seen karate

like my karate.

There's not gonna be
any karate.

You get an f
in the class,

but the f won't go on
your final transcript.

It won't?
No.

You get to go to graduation,
then make up in summer school.

It'll be like
it never happened.

But you have to give
a full confession.

I'm gonna choke him to death.

Then, after
he stops breathing

karate.

Handsome: Sammy actually
believed, he was helping Victor.

But the first rule
of cheating is

no matter what,
always keep your mouth shut.

What happened?

We need to talk.

Let me guess. Your deal
didn't go quite as planned.

Look I'm sorry
about the other day, but, uh,

you're an idiot
to put your faith in stark.

Victor gave you up.

He told her everything.

The luau, the blow torch,
the peeing.

Victor said, if he's going down,
he's not going down alone.

Gets worse.

Now, I'm supposed to be
investigating you.

That's nice.

I can offer you
the same deal I gave Victor.

An f in class
and summer school.

Nothing on your permanent
transcript. It's a good deal.

No. Thank you.

I don't think you understand.

If this goes to court,
you'll be expelled.

I was trying
to get rid of your ass.

Please, take the deal.
Just confess.

Not so good at confessing.

Handsome: I couldn't believe it.
Sammy had gone soft.

Victor and applebee
had turned into rats.

Now everyone was expecting me
to give a full confession.

All right, hamster.
According to Victor,

the defiling of the great book
was all your idea.

I would like the opportunity to
carefully review his testimony,

before I comment on it.

There's not going to be
any trial.

At 9:30 this morning,
Sammy handed in his resignation.

I guess, he didn't want to
prosecute his little buddy.

The student court
is now dissolved.

What do I have to do?

The same as Victor.

F for the class.

You make walk
in the graduation ceremony,

but you won't receive
your diploma that day.

Andoh, yeah.

Summer school.

Girl, coughing:
Douchebag.

You too.
Summer school.

Girl, coughing:
Douchebag.

Handsome: Now, back at
the beginning of the year,

the four of us
were best friends.

By the time we got
to graduation

things had fallen apart.

I was angry at Victor.
Sammy was angry with me.

Applebee was angry
with everyone.

But no one was as angry
as horny or greedy.

Mr. Victor,
this is your last chance.

My last chance?

For what?

The deal.

Ohh.

You guys don't get it,
do you?

It's never gonna happen.

You lose.

I win.

You know what,
Victor?

You can shit
on our fantasies.

You can beat
the crap out of us.

You can remind us
that we're not really brothers.

But at least
we're not rats.

Everyone knows
who you are.

Even shapiro.

Handsome: After I found out that
I wasn't getting my diploma.

I didn't even want to go
to graduation.

I didn't see the point.

I hope you're happy.

I'm not.

I did warn you.

Yeah. I know you did.

You're a good father.

You stop making fun of me.

No, I'm being serious.

You're a good father.

Thank you.

Everyone one of the students

in this year's graduating class
is deserving of accolades.

But there are some,
special students

who have merited
even greater distinctions.

Listen, uh, Sammy.

Have a nice life.

And now, to give out the awards
in math and science

I call to the podium

Alex harkin.

Girl: Love you,
Mr. Harkin.

Ahem.

Um, ahem.

This is, uh,

my favorite part
about being a teacher.

Uh, ahem,

uh, I wasn't gonna
necessarily be a teacher,

but, uh, I, as you know,
became one,

and, uh,
the winner of the award

for outstanding achievement
in chemical science is

Julie merkle.

Come on up here,
Julie.

I'm sorry.

Not your fault.

I'm sorry that I
looked at your file.

Uh, the award

uh, thethe winner
of the award

for outstanding achievement
in physics is

uh, one of my
favorite students

handsome Davis.

Come on up here,
handsome.

Handsome: Ok. I admit it.

I stole the midterm,

I took my dad's porn,

I flirted with Mr. Harkin,
I broke the ceiling,

I lied to the fake brothers,
I looked at applebee's file,

I read about his penis,
I pissed on the grade book,

and I pissed off
all of my friends.

But I have to let you in
on a little secret.

I never cheated on
Mr. Harkin's mid-term.

I stole the test but I never
used it. I didn't need to.

The only reason I ever cheated
was because of my friends.

When the four of us
were cheating together,

it was the sweetest thing
I knew.

He's my hero.

I agree.

It was horseback riding
on the beach,

a candlelight dinner,

champagne in a hot tub.

See, graduation was my
greatest high school moment.

Cheated on the midterm.

Ahem. Take it
right now.

Boy: Cheater!
Cheated on the mid-term.

Because it wasn't just me
who won that award.

It was for Sammy
for winning that spelling bee,

and it was for applebee
for writing crazy small,

and it was for Victor

for knowing how to deal
with adopted kids.

You see, cheating is what
made the four of us famous

the most famous cheaters
in north point history.

Everything
is bullshit.

It is what it is.

Crippled elves
do dance around

a devil covered
by blue dress

dairy causes diarrhea

chunky, creamy
butter cheese

bad Billy does dope,
bitches, and brews

but can't even build
a cigarette boat

Allah bangs
booze every day

above a bridge
behind a cave

crippled elves
do dance around

a devil covered
by blue dress

dairy causes diarrhea

chunky, creamy
butter cheese

Crippled elves
do dance around

a devil covered
by blue dress

dairy causes diarrhea

chunky, creamy
butter cheese