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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,337
You jerk.
It's not funny.
2
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,339
Yes, it is.
Stop it!
3
00:00:05,373 --> 00:00:07,408
(running footsteps)
(door slams)
4
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:10,744
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
All new Thursdays at 10:00
on FX.
5
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,684
FXX presents You're the Worst.
6
00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:21,355
(knob clicking)
7
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,424
* Ow
8
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,263
* They call it magic
9
00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,365
* They call it dynamite
10
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:34,935
* You know you know it
when you get it right *
11
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,938
* They call it the breeze
12
00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:39,373
(smoke alarm beeping)
13
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,209
* They call it out of sight
14
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,611
* You know you know it
when you get it right *
15
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:45,613
* Yeah
16
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:48,048
* So bad, so bad, so bad
17
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,551
* Oh, yeah
18
00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:57,591
* How bad do you want it?
19
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:58,926
(sighs)
20
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:00,361
Big day today.
21
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,929
I'm meeting
with the publishing house
22
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,365
about the strategy
for the new book.
23
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,967
Of course,
marketing budg...
24
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,470
Why aren't you listening
to me? I'm fascinating.
25
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,139
Oh, I'm on a dating app now.
26
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:13,073
I was hoping to find romance,
27
00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:15,476
but every girl I match with just
ends up wanting to be friends.
28
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,978
Like, on Friday, I'm
helping a girl move a futon
29
00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,047
into her apartment, but
we've got to be done by 5:00
30
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,282
because she's got a date.
31
00:01:21,315 --> 00:01:23,083
Well, the good news
for you is that
32
00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:26,120
these sites attract desperate,
soon-to-be spinsters
33
00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:28,222
with the self-esteem
of a shelter pet.
34
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:30,090
And that knowledge
can help you.
35
00:01:30,124 --> 00:01:32,092
Have you tried negging?
36
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:35,229
Isn't that something lame dudes
did, like, ten years ago?
37
00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:36,564
Now it's making a comeback.
38
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,098
Like pubes and racism.
39
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:41,101
See, to neg,
you employ criticism
40
00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:44,305
couched as compliments
to prey on low self-esteem.
41
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,574
Par exemple,
"Oh, I love your top.
42
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:50,144
My mother had the same one
before she lost four stone."
43
00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:52,480
I can't be mean
to someone I like.
44
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:54,448
Those are the best people
to be mean to.
45
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,684
They never see it coming...
ugly.
46
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,421
This is the survival
of your genes.
47
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,323
You have to be aggressive.
48
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:06,294
Like they say, "Tits or GTFO."
What does that stand for?
49
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:07,961
I'm not sure exactly.
50
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:13,434
I think maybe,
"Tits... or get thy fanny out."
51
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,469
Mm, I could give it a shot.
52
00:02:15,503 --> 00:02:17,538
Hey, maybe
we could be app buddies.
53
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,507
I'm assuming you're dating now.
54
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,275
(clears throat)
That would be a "no."
55
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:25,012
Actually, I'm guardedly excited
about how things went
56
00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:26,480
with Gretchen the other night.
Jimmy,
57
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,148
I think it's over.
58
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:29,983
No. You heard her.
59
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:33,654
She said that everything between
us was, and I quote, "okay."
60
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,356
Did you notice how she said it?
61
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,990
Weird and flat like someone
62
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,026
who's about to do something bad
on Facebook Live.
63
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,361
Edgar, bit of advice.
64
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,496
Try not to dig
beneath the surface of things.
65
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:44,998
With your pathetic
analytic skills,
66
00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:47,568
you really should take
everything at face value.
67
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:51,539
You know, like, when I say,
"Oh, Edgar, you idiot."
68
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:56,043
Hmm.
69
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:04,017
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
70
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,153
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
71
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,456
* Gonna leave you anyway.
72
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:15,596
(sighs) I've gotten it down
so I only have to sleep
73
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,265
three and a half hours
a night.
(Lindsay giggles)
74
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:20,100
My metal work is more honest
in the pre-dawn hours.
75
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,770
(Lindsay laughs loudly)
76
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:24,238
That's so funny!
77
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:25,273
Why is that funny?
78
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:27,174
(sighs, chuckles)
79
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,042
I don't know.
80
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,412
(whispers):
Watch this.
81
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,248
Ow!
82
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:36,717
Oh, my God, I'm sorry!
83
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,088
Uh, let's go.
Right.
84
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:46,394
'Sup, ninja? Why aren't you
answering your phone?
85
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:50,097
Because I'm busy trying
different clothes combinations
86
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:54,368
on this...
alive mannequin thingy.
87
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:55,803
Shouldn't you be at work, too?
88
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,705
Nah. I was
so cranked up
89
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,707
from messing with
Jimmy's head,
90
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:03,076
I decided to blow off
work and treat myself
91
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,280
to a liquor-store lunch instead.
92
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:08,716
So, I forgot to tell you.
93
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,151
I had sex with that dummy Ty.
94
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:13,487
What?!
And then,
95
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:16,657
later that same day,
96
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,759
I boned his
best friend.
What?!
97
00:04:18,792 --> 00:04:20,828
Should I try a walk, or...?
Shut up!
98
00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:23,464
Plus, he's married,
so it can't be a thing.
99
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,434
That's right--
two guys in a row,
100
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,135
just like senior prom.
101
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,640
Ooh! Micheladas are much better
when they're cold.
102
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,141
PRISCILLA:
Hey, Lindsay.
103
00:04:34,174 --> 00:04:36,777
Hi, Lindsay's troubled friend.
104
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,178
Good news.
105
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,580
We just signed
106
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,582
to dress Casey Affleck's
lawyer for all future
107
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,284
court appearances,
press conferences
and depositions.
108
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:47,254
Looks like Mama's
getting her boat.
That's amazing!
109
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,456
Do you want to stay
late with me tonight?
110
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,190
We can get dinner,
force Carl
111
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,660
to make coffee and
froyo runs. Make it fun.
112
00:04:52,693 --> 00:04:54,628
Oh, farts. I promised my sister
I'd babysit,
113
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,697
but I could cancel
if you want me to.
114
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,132
No, that's okay. I can
harass him by myself.
115
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,703
Pants... as a hat?
116
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,639
I like it.
117
00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:09,477
It's fun, right?
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
118
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,813
Ew. You have to hang out
with that ugly-ass baby?
119
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:15,883
That thing looks like Billy
Corgan fell asleep in a Jacuzzi.
120
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:18,819
I know, but thank God
I had a legit excuse.
121
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,621
(quietly):
Priscilla's always here.
122
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,790
She eats, sleeps and shits work.
123
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,825
I don't want to
shit work, Gretchen.
124
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,461
I once shit out one of those
little wooden ice cream spoons,
125
00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:29,196
and I couldn't sit down
for a week.
126
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:32,232
Hey, want to do
something fun?
127
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,176
We'll be in the man cave
recording the podcast,
128
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:44,545
so if she cries like a little
bitch, just babble at her.
129
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,179
You can say anything
on account
130
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:48,516
of her soft-ass baby brain
being all stupid and soft.
131
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:51,318
Check it.
Hey, dumb baby.
132
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,653
Guess what
Daddy did at work.
133
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,355
He used an oscillating
bone distractor
134
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:56,857
to try and relieve
an old lady's
135
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,693
craniofrontonasal
dysplasia, and we lost her
136
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,361
on the table.
Yes, we did.
137
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:02,730
We lost her.
138
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:03,931
BECCA:
Hey, guys.
139
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,899
This is my GBF, Walter.
140
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,235
We met at the bar in Gelson's.
141
00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:09,703
He and his hubby also
have a three-month-old.
142
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:13,206
And I'm definitely the
Becca in my marriage.
143
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,208
I would say that Troy is the
Vernon, but he has money
144
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:17,277
(whispers):
and a chin.
145
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,712
(laughter)
146
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,214
You're late.
(in baby voice):
I'm "saw-wee."
147
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:24,217
I had to leave my job
as a professional stylist
148
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:26,386
so I could babysit for "fwee."
149
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:29,790
Hey, being a mom is the most
important job in the world.
150
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:33,260
Don't indoctrinate my baby
with your libtard bullcrap.
151
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:35,395
(chuckles)
152
00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:37,898
Normally, I don't let my sitters
bring their friends,
153
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,767
especially when one is
154
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,569
clearly intoxicated,
155
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,537
and the other one's probably
in our country illegally.
156
00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:44,938
(stifled laugh)
(laughs)
157
00:06:44,972 --> 00:06:47,541
I can say that
because I voted for Obama.
158
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:50,544
The first time.
(scoffs)
Lock her up!
159
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,746
BOTH:
Lock her up! Lock her up!
160
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,815
(both chuckling)
161
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,718
Um, I have to run.
(gasps)
162
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,554
Yeah, Troy's on this new thing
about eating dinner at the table
163
00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,623
and just talking, like
friggin' psychopaths?
164
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,257
You should do what I do.
165
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:05,793
I just make Vernon eat
in the car.
166
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,895
(both laughing)
Joke's on you.
167
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,897
I get to eat dinner
with Joe Rogan every night.
168
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,632
(laughs)
169
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:17,270
Mmm.
170
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,473
What?! No!
Jon Cryer just canceled.
171
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:20,841
Damn it!
We can't just not
172
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,643
do the podcast.
173
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:25,278
We already blew the Red Napkin
cash on Tallulah's eye medicine.
174
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,615
Gretch, you just had
some crazy stuff go down.
175
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,517
You want to come get deep
in the man cave?
176
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,785
Mm. No, Vernon, she doesn't...
she doesn't want to.
177
00:07:31,819 --> 00:07:34,655
Sure. I am owning
what Jimmy did to me.
178
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:37,858
I am not living
in silence anymore.
179
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,493
Plus, I am
180
00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:40,694
drunk as shit
on this clam booze,
181
00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:42,295
so I'm down for whatever.
182
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,798
Come on, I'll get you set up.
Listen, when I ask you
183
00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:47,300
if you wish you could have
all your dinner ingredients
184
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,002
delivered to your door,
say yes.
185
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:51,438
I mean, I know
that seems obvious,
186
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,507
but for some reason,
Janeane Garofalo said no.
187
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:58,546
*
188
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,481
They're ready
for you.
Ah.
189
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,517
(clears throat)
190
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:07,688
(applause)
191
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:12,660
"Simon entered the room as he
entered a woman: deliberately,
192
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,494
"with no appetite
for the bromidic.
193
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:17,330
"For Simon, even the
humdrum was veined thick
194
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:18,666
with decadence."
"With decadence."
195
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,835
I'm Candace Sebring,
head of marketing.
196
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,003
This is my rock star team.
197
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:25,906
And we all love the book!
198
00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,542
(cheering and applause)
199
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:32,746
We have been
200
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,515
looking for you
for three months!
201
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:37,350
Oh. (laughs)
Our little
disappearance artist.
202
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,820
We can't wait for you to see
the mock-up of your cover.
203
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:43,356
Yes. Well, it is a tricky one,
what with having to capture
204
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,092
the tenor
and zeitgeist
205
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:50,030
of three wildly different
periods in London's...
206
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,037
I'm, um...
I'm-I'm just confused,
207
00:08:57,070 --> 00:09:00,540
because that looks
like a sex book
208
00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:03,543
for horny airport ladies.
209
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,913
My book is, of course,
literature.
210
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:08,048
Oh, Jimmy. No, this
is just marketing.
211
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:11,585
We want your genius to have the
best possible chance to succeed.
212
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,754
Which is why we're putting it
in the erotica section.
213
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:16,089
(all agreeing)
214
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,727
If it's marketed as erotica
and it's in the erotica section,
215
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,394
then it's erotica.
216
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,031
If what's inside is literature,
it's literature.
217
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,098
(all agreeing)
218
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,900
Then why not market it
as literature?
219
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,401
Because nobody buys literature.
220
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:30,103
They do buy erotica.
221
00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,806
And they're definitely gonna buy
this erotica.
222
00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,742
You just said it's not erotica!
Which is what makes it
223
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,043
so erotic.
224
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,911
Imagine what happens
when an overworked mom
225
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:41,581
lights her scented candles,
slips into her bubble bath,
226
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,984
opens your book and realizes
227
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,453
this isn't just sexy as hell--
228
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:48,488
it's actually a
really good book.
229
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:51,625
She'll squirt so hard,
that tub will overflow!
230
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:53,661
Besides,
we've already paid
231
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,663
for the most prominent spots
in all the major chains.
232
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,798
Right next to some
of our other hot titles.
233
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:03,603
Bye!
234
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,472
Jimmy. (chuckles)
Jimmy.
235
00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:09,009
Jimmy, we're doing a reading
tonight at The Straining Corset.
236
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,679
Some of our authors from our
Silk Sheets line are reading,
237
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,748
and we're hoping
that you will, too.
238
00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:17,450
All of the top erotica
bloggers and tastemakers
239
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:19,452
will be there.
240
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:22,656
At least... think about it.
241
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:33,633
EDGAR:
Wow. As if.
242
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,468
(scoffs)
243
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:37,504
Ugh.
Unbelievable!
244
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,807
Seriously?
245
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,975
Stop it!
246
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:44,644
I'm trying to stare at
this baby real quick.
247
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,780
Well, Jimmy told me
to neg these girls,
248
00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:49,549
but I just keep getting back
all sorts of rude comments
249
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:51,218
and no titties whatsoever.
250
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:54,955
It's like they don't even care
if they get thy fannies out.
251
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:55,856
What'd you write?
252
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,225
Um, um, "Damn, girl,
253
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,960
"what's up with those nostrils?
254
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,029
You Airbnb'ing them shits?"
(chuckles)
255
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,196
"Titties or GTFO."
256
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,497
That would work on me,
257
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:05,966
but why are you
talking like that?
258
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:09,036
It sounds wrong. Like if
your cat started barking.
259
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,670
Oh, my God,
how cute would that be?
I know!
260
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:11,805
That would be so cute!
As soon as I said it,
261
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,841
I was like, "Aw!"
Aw!
262
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:16,043
(coos)
Well, being nice
263
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,510
didn't work.
264
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:18,511
And doing Jimmy's strategy
265
00:11:18,545 --> 00:11:20,180
of being mean didn't work.
266
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,549
So... what can I do?
267
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:23,984
Give up. Die alone.
268
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:27,554
Or-- oh, and stay with me here--
what if I combine
269
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:30,557
the intensity of my
natural, intimate approach
270
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:33,693
with the aggressive
manipulation of negging?
271
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,662
That's ridiculous.
It'll never work.
272
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:36,997
I'm gonna go practice
this in the place
273
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,767
where all the greatest
flirting is done:
274
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,034
the toilet.
275
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,736
The toilet.
I was gonna say that.
276
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,741
(sighs)
277
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:59,753
*
278
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:07,895
GRETCHEN:
And once I realized
279
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:09,629
it wasn't some elaborate heckle
280
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,564
and he really
wasn't coming back,
281
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:14,567
I walked down toward the
Hollywood Bowl to get a signal.
282
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:17,237
I almost got trampled
by a pack of wine-drunk
283
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,705
50-year-olds
284
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:21,108
with picnic baskets,
but my cab finally came.
285
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:23,310
(tires screeching sound effect)
286
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,879
I just can't believe what
I'm hearing. That's not Jimmy.
287
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,614
You must have misunderstood.
288
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,282
How?
Unknown.
289
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:31,985
You just had to have.
No way. Uh-uh.
290
00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:35,889
Jimmy is way too manly a boss to
punk out on a bitch like that.
291
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:38,258
I just want to say
that you are so brave
292
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,961
for showing your face
after that humiliation.
293
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:44,597
I would've changed my name,
cut off all my hair,
294
00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:47,267
gotten a neck tattoo,
295
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:50,637
joined a golf league
at the local par 3,
296
00:12:50,670 --> 00:12:53,106
maybe rent a little efficiency
297
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,942
in Marina Del Rey
where the water
298
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,309
meets the
sky and...
299
00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:58,311
a woman
can just live her life out loud
300
00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:02,249
without judgment or labels...
301
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:05,018
Whatever. He's the one
who should be ashamed, not me.
302
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:06,253
I know Jimmy better
than anybody.
303
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,787
He could never do
something like that.
304
00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:09,189
It was probably
some cool-ass prank
305
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:10,991
like Jamie Kennedy would do.
306
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:13,293
Jimmy is
a psychopath.
307
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:14,694
I woke up in the middle
308
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:15,795
of the night one time,
309
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:18,298
and he was editing a picture
of my feet
310
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,766
on one of those Facetune apps.
311
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,268
I once walked in
on him
312
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:24,304
masturbating to a story
written by an 11-year-old.
313
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:27,374
(car horn sound effect)
That was supposed to be
sexy moaning.
314
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:30,944
Stop it!
Stop ripping on my best friend!
315
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:33,146
I am just glad
to be done with the whole thing!
316
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,148
Sure, I'm out some rent money,
but it's a small price.
317
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:36,149
Wait a minute,
318
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:37,851
you paid rent in advance?
319
00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:39,152
Yeah, like, half a year.
320
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,354
I was once right up
on that same hill
321
00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,156
getting proposed to by Jimmy.
322
00:13:43,190 --> 00:13:44,992
I said no and
you said yes,
323
00:13:45,025 --> 00:13:48,228
which really adds
extra humiliation for you.
324
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,363
But that's not the point.
The point is,
325
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:53,867
why does Jimmy get
to decide everything?
326
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:58,005
Yeah! He disappeared and I don't
get to live in my house anymore?
327
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,839
Stop it!
It's not fair!
328
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,308
That butthole can't do that!
329
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,144
You guys can't say that stuff
about my friend!
330
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:05,212
I'll walk out!
331
00:14:05,245 --> 00:14:06,413
This is my show!
332
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:09,182
Did you ever catch him
plucking his nipple hairs?
333
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:10,183
(laughs)
That's it!
334
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:11,384
Podcast over!
335
00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:14,421
Hey! We have a financial
commitment, mister.
336
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,156
Oh, yeah.
337
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,226
Just joking around there, guys.
Ha-ha.
338
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,994
(soft music playing)
You guys,
339
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:23,997
I love Ned Rapkin so much.
340
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,698
Are you ever
in the mood
341
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:29,036
for a spinach
and fried leek "frittoto"
342
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,904
surrounded
by a bed of "rugala..."
343
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:37,911
(screams)
344
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:41,881
(phone buzzes)
345
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,484
(video game chimes)
(sighs)
346
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:53,126
*
347
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:13,947
(Tallulah fusses)
(sighs)
348
00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:15,882
What's wrong?
349
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,486
In the middle of messaging
all these girls, I just...
350
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,489
started thinking about the
relationship you and I have--
351
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,992
whatever it is--
and how, yeah,
352
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:27,427
we're just a couple of wild
cards who don't add up to much,
353
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:31,098
but if nothing else
during this time,
354
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:33,766
I learned firsthand just...
355
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,236
how absolutely amazing you are.
356
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,005
Me?
357
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,106
Your smile.
358
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,440
(giggles)
359
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:42,409
The way your eyes catch
fire when you laugh.
360
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,945
I mean, sure, you regularly
get outwitted by dogs,
361
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:48,415
but that's what makes
you unique. And yeah,
362
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,850
you get Doritos stuck
in your eyebrows sometimes,
363
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:53,253
but I still want to make out
with you all the time,
364
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,522
because our connection,
despite whatever,
365
00:15:55,555 --> 00:16:00,493
it's true and deep and good.
366
00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:03,496
Now I'd love to see those
beautiful bosoms of yours,
367
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,798
if I might.
368
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:08,868
Yeah. Okay.
369
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,810
Wouldn't work, huh?
370
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,546
(gasps) You!
371
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:23,216
You cannot bring that technique
into the world, Edgar.
372
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:24,817
It's too dangerous.
373
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,320
Mmm.
374
00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:28,888
(exhales)
375
00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,124
Whew.
376
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,826
Your Uncle Edgar is a bad man.
377
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:36,329
He's gonna make all the girls
show him their titties.
378
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,864
(chuckles)
379
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:39,199
(in baby voice):
I don't know what titties are
380
00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:43,036
because my mommy doesn't
let me suck on hers.
381
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:44,204
(laughs)
382
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,906
Give me the thing.
383
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,875
(Tallulah cries)
384
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,147
How's the podcast?
385
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,249
I hate Jimmy.
Why is your boob out?
386
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:57,884
I was showing it to Edgar.
387
00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,852
It's not weird.
We're doing it.
388
00:16:59,886 --> 00:17:02,189
What?! Why?! Since when?!
389
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,357
For a while.
Don't worry, we just bang.
390
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,859
And do mouth stuff.
And he loves the booty.
391
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:09,162
Ew. Ew. Wait.
392
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:11,531
You don't do it on the couch
where I sleep, do you?
393
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:13,066
Oh, yeah, all the time.
394
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,001
Oh, that reminds
me, Gretchen,
395
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,404
you should definitely
buy a new pillowcase.
396
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:19,606
(gags)
397
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,542
"His tongue explored
her inner sanctum
398
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,611
"with varying degrees of fervor,
399
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:27,580
"whimsy giving way
to desperation.
400
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:31,050
"On her uncle's farm, Chastity
had seen newborn kittens
401
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,052
"and foals licked clean
402
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,954
by their mothers.
With careful... "
403
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,356
I knew you'd show.
404
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,558
Ugh, did I put
the mustache on crooked?
405
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,560
I'm not reading.
Listen, Jimmy,
406
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,229
I've done my research,
and I know you need this
407
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,563
now more than anything.
408
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:44,631
It's been a while
409
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,133
since your last
significant paycheck.
410
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,101
House isn't gonna
pay for itself.
411
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,404
This is anathema
412
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,906
to everything I love
about literature.
413
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,976
Genre, groupies, fandom...
414
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,246
I can't really think of
a good analogy right now,
415
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:03,583
but why pre-judge something
before you've even tried it?
416
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:05,418
Oh, and amazing news,
417
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:08,655
People magazine read the book
and they want to do a profile,
418
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,423
because a little white girl
hasn't been murdered in a while,
419
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:11,691
but that clock is ticking.
420
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,096
Jimmy, I think this book
could really be a thing.
421
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,432
That's why I need you
to get up there.
422
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,434
AUTHOR:
"...with the taste of her."
423
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:23,936
(applause)
424
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,438
Thank you. Buy the book.
425
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:31,978
Up next,
426
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:35,248
we have one of our
most exciting new writers.
427
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:38,585
A man who can take
a World War II bombing raid
428
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:43,156
and turn it into a sensual siege
on your entire body.
429
00:18:43,190 --> 00:18:44,691
(murmuring)
430
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,359
Please join me in welcoming
431
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:49,429
the author of the forth coming,
432
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,698
The Width of a Peach,
433
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:54,000
Jimmy Shive-Overly.
434
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:05,712
(microphone feedback)
435
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,147
When I set out to write
436
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:12,652
the sexiest, erotic
literary novel
437
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:15,622
since Portnoy's Complaint,
438
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,325
I knew I was going to ruffle
a few feathers.
439
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:19,726
Take off your pants!
440
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,761
(whooping and applause)
441
00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:38,345
(squeals and whoops)
442
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:48,421
"Simon stroked himself
gently..."
443
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:55,662
(sighs)
Becca, we're leaving.
444
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,430
Yo, we getting paid or what?
445
00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:01,534
Becca?
446
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:07,740
Jesus Christ!
447
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:13,246
(groans)
What the hell is
wrong with you?!
448
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,048
Tallulah needs you,
and you're passed out drunk.
449
00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:18,285
Yeah! We want our
money, too, bitch.
450
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,620
Eh, what happened?
451
00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,555
I'm not dirty.
452
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:24,557
Drag that deadbeat
out of the shower
453
00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:27,560
and force-feed her coffee
till it shoots out of her butt.
454
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,396
(cries)
455
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:35,402
LINDSAY:
I guess I didn't realize it,
456
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:40,072
but I never actually felt love
before in my life.
457
00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:42,108
*
458
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,645
Not real love anyway.
459
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:49,148
But as I stared at that baby,
460
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:52,285
I felt my heart swell.
461
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:57,824
And in that moment, I knew
462
00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:00,493
that even though
the magical feeling came
463
00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:02,762
with the possibility
of one day losing it,
464
00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:06,098
the pain would totally
be worth it.
465
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,301
* When I suckle on your breast
466
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,603
* I am your
467
00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:13,105
* Baby
468
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:15,775
* Son...
469
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:18,110
All of my life,
470
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:21,147
I'd been trying
to resist that feeling,
471
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:23,182
but I couldn't anymore.
472
00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:28,488
And that knowledge forced me to
really think about my future.
473
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:30,423
* Saw something light
in the sky *
474
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:34,861
Because, you see, it was
all too vulnerable, and...
475
00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:38,164
I never want
to feel that way again.
476
00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:42,469
I never want to care about
something that might go away.
477
00:21:42,502 --> 00:21:46,639
So, I choose...
478
00:21:46,673 --> 00:21:50,477
for my job to be my everything.
479
00:21:50,510 --> 00:21:52,845
Just like you, Priscilla.
480
00:21:52,879 --> 00:21:54,647
Just like you.
481
00:21:56,383 --> 00:21:59,151
What the hell are you talking
about? I'm married.
482
00:21:59,185 --> 00:22:01,287
I have two kids
and three stepkids.
483
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,223
Emily is 32,
and we get Botox together.
484
00:22:04,256 --> 00:22:07,660
What? Then why are you
in the office all the time?
485
00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:10,329
Because there's a lot
of work to do.
486
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:12,532
Oh.
487
00:22:12,565 --> 00:22:15,167
Well, I'm still choosing my job.
488
00:22:15,201 --> 00:22:16,736
Okay, sure, whatever.
489
00:22:16,769 --> 00:22:18,905
Eh, can I have an eggroll now?
I'm starving.
490
00:22:18,938 --> 00:22:19,872
Oh.
491
00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:23,376
(sighing)
492
00:22:32,719 --> 00:22:35,388
Okay.
493
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:43,863
*
494
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,881
*
495
00:23:12,258 --> 00:23:14,226
(applause over television)
496
00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:16,262
Gretchen?
HOST (on TV): $600.
497
00:23:16,295 --> 00:23:17,296
Mm-hmm?
CONTESTANT: "T."
498
00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:20,232
What are you doing here?
499
00:23:20,266 --> 00:23:21,668
What do you mean?
This is my home.
500
00:23:22,969 --> 00:23:24,971
I never moved out.
501
00:23:25,004 --> 00:23:27,874
You just brought a bunch of my
stuff, unasked, to Lindsay's,
502
00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:30,477
where I happened to be staying
for a little while.
503
00:23:30,510 --> 00:23:33,412
But now I'm back here,
504
00:23:33,446 --> 00:23:37,416
where I already paid rent,
because why wouldn't I be?
505
00:23:37,450 --> 00:23:39,385
I didn't do anything.
506
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,787
You did.
507
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:44,991
Now, get out of my room.
508
00:23:48,961 --> 00:23:50,663
DJ:
Jack FM.
509
00:23:50,697 --> 00:23:52,331
Like if the worst kid
in detention
510
00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:54,300
had sex with a radio station.
511
00:23:54,333 --> 00:23:56,268
If you have any questions,
comments, or concerns,
512
00:23:56,302 --> 00:23:59,739
e-mail it to Jack at stick it up
your (bleep) dot com.
513
00:23:59,772 --> 00:24:02,542
* I wanna prove to you
514
00:24:04,711 --> 00:24:08,715
* My love is extended
515
00:24:09,716 --> 00:24:13,553
* My love never ended
516
00:24:14,721 --> 00:24:18,791
* My passion befriended
517
00:24:18,825 --> 00:24:21,694
* Your
* Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba-ba, ba *
518
00:24:21,728 --> 00:24:25,832
* Heart
* Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. *
519
00:24:26,833 --> 00:24:28,835
(dog barks)
520
00:24:31,704 --> 00:24:33,840
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
521
00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:37,644
Hey.
522
00:24:37,677 --> 00:24:40,279
If I buy you a drink,
does that mean you have to
go down on me?
523
00:24:40,312 --> 00:24:42,882
'Cause, you know...
feminism.
524
00:24:48,855 --> 00:24:51,724
(voice echoing,
distorted)
(steady stomping)
525
00:24:58,097 --> 00:24:59,832
ANNOUNCER:
American Horror Story: Cult.
526
00:24:59,866 --> 00:25:01,934
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
527
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:07,173
Okay. One light
is blinking.
528
00:25:07,206 --> 00:25:09,375
DUKE: Mom!
529
00:25:09,408 --> 00:25:11,210
Uh--
Mom!
530
00:25:11,243 --> 00:25:13,913
Yes. It's-- Two lights
are blinking again.
531
00:25:13,946 --> 00:25:15,982
Still not working!
532
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:19,385
Okay. Three lights
are blinking.
533
00:25:19,418 --> 00:25:21,220
Now no lights
are blinking.
534
00:25:22,254 --> 00:25:24,023
Yes, I love to hold.
535
00:25:24,056 --> 00:25:26,025
Mom!
(groans)
536
00:25:26,058 --> 00:25:28,995
(whines)
537
00:25:29,028 --> 00:25:30,730
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
Ugh.
538
00:25:30,763 --> 00:25:33,065
All new Thursdays
at 10:00 on FX.
38800
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