All language subtitles for Youre the Worst S03E11 The Inherent Unsullied Qualitative Value of Anything 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-SiGMA

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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:20,003 --> 00:00:22,005 (clattering) 2 00:00:30,146 --> 00:00:32,816 Jimmy, if you're thinking of getting into ski porn, 3 00:00:32,849 --> 00:00:35,385 it's a niche audience and the work is seasonal. 4 00:00:35,418 --> 00:00:36,653 I have it all worked out, Gretchen-- 5 00:00:36,687 --> 00:00:38,455 what I saw from my tree house last night: 6 00:00:38,489 --> 00:00:40,423 my father is no longer 7 00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,893 a force in my life, thus, everything I am 8 00:00:42,926 --> 00:00:44,895 and have is suspect, 9 00:00:44,928 --> 00:00:47,330 acquired or decided, as it all were, in the context 10 00:00:47,363 --> 00:00:50,967 of being "Ronny's son," which I am no longer, thus, 11 00:00:51,001 --> 00:00:52,335 reevaluation. 12 00:00:52,368 --> 00:00:54,437 It's all up for review. 13 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:57,774 So, I'm making a pros and cons list of everything in my life 14 00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:00,644 to work out whether I still need it or not. 15 00:01:00,677 --> 00:01:03,013 Oh, boy. It's the perfect 16 00:01:03,046 --> 00:01:06,016 post-emotional analytic tool to determine the inherent, 17 00:01:06,049 --> 00:01:09,419 unsullied qualitative value of anything. 18 00:01:09,452 --> 00:01:11,655 To whit. Stapler. 19 00:01:11,688 --> 00:01:14,190 Pros: petite, efficient, comely. 20 00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:16,993 Cons: literally no place for you in the digital world. 21 00:01:17,027 --> 00:01:18,461 Good-bye, old girl. 22 00:01:21,297 --> 00:01:23,433 Hmm... tough one. 23 00:01:23,466 --> 00:01:26,002 Pros: strong tassels, 24 00:01:26,036 --> 00:01:27,437 I look fantastic in it. 25 00:01:27,470 --> 00:01:30,106 Cons: I saw Moby wearing the same one 26 00:01:30,140 --> 00:01:31,441 on the cover of Yoga Life. 27 00:01:31,474 --> 00:01:33,076 And there's the answer. 28 00:01:34,377 --> 00:01:36,279 Right. My stuff... 29 00:01:36,312 --> 00:01:38,314 there's your stuff... 30 00:01:43,554 --> 00:01:44,320 Hmm? 31 00:02:04,675 --> 00:02:07,143 Oh! Fine! Jesus Christ! 32 00:02:07,177 --> 00:02:09,212 Fine, Jimmy. Do your insane, 33 00:02:09,245 --> 00:02:12,148 idiotic thing and get this over with. 34 00:02:12,182 --> 00:02:14,751 Gretchen pro-con list, go. 35 00:02:14,785 --> 00:02:18,354 Well, okay. 36 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,223 You and your stupid tree house. 37 00:02:20,256 --> 00:02:22,258 I swear, I wish I'd never mentioned Dead Poets Society 38 00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,260 in front of you. You literally just did 39 00:02:24,294 --> 00:02:27,397 the standing on the desk thing, but higher. 40 00:02:27,430 --> 00:02:29,032 The quicker we do this, the quicker we can 41 00:02:29,065 --> 00:02:31,367 move on with our lives. 42 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,938 I have stuff to do for Shitstain and Jaclyn's elopement party. 43 00:02:34,971 --> 00:02:36,406 Bet your ass he's not making a list. 44 00:02:37,540 --> 00:02:40,010 Okay, fine. 45 00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:43,747 Here are two things to start off your pro list. 46 00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:46,817 Bam! Carpe those diems. 47 00:02:47,818 --> 00:02:49,620 Aw, man. 48 00:02:49,653 --> 00:02:51,254 I slept in gum again? 49 00:02:51,287 --> 00:02:52,623 (groans) 50 00:02:53,957 --> 00:02:55,225 Just know that, uh, 51 00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:56,627 this is gonna be a waste of your time. 52 00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:57,928 The end result is gonna be, 53 00:02:57,961 --> 00:02:59,062 "Damn, she's awesome. 54 00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:00,864 "That list was pointless. 55 00:03:00,897 --> 00:03:03,199 "Wasted all that paper and ink. 56 00:03:03,233 --> 00:03:05,802 Sorry trees. Sorry squids." 57 00:03:07,838 --> 00:03:10,774 Wait, is that how you think we get ink? 58 00:03:10,807 --> 00:03:12,809 From squids? 59 00:03:13,977 --> 00:03:15,478 No. 60 00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,148 Aw, damn it! 61 00:03:20,516 --> 00:03:22,953 * 62 00:03:27,924 --> 00:03:30,727 * I'm gonna leave you anyway 63 00:03:30,761 --> 00:03:33,463 * I'm gonna leave you anyway * 64 00:03:33,496 --> 00:03:36,800 * Gonna leave you anyway. 65 00:03:47,377 --> 00:03:48,611 (sniffs) 66 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,146 (indistinct chatter, dishes clinking) 67 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,818 (upbeat music playing) 68 00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:08,732 Ooh. Ceviche? 69 00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:19,542 I don't get it. A pros and cons list about you? 70 00:04:19,575 --> 00:04:20,844 What's on it? 71 00:04:20,877 --> 00:04:22,645 Oh, who cares? We all have negative shit 72 00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,214 we think about everyone in our lives. 73 00:04:24,247 --> 00:04:26,616 Yeah, but writing it down makes it real. 74 00:04:26,649 --> 00:04:29,786 Like Web sites or fortune cookies. 75 00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:32,388 So, how'd Paul react to the news that you're leaving him? 76 00:04:32,422 --> 00:04:34,124 Ain't told him yet. 77 00:04:34,157 --> 00:04:37,360 First I got to set myself up, get my own place. 78 00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:39,896 And it'll be so phat because I'll be getting those sweet 79 00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:41,531 monthly checks from the prenup. 80 00:04:41,564 --> 00:04:43,566 Wait, what? You have a prenup? 81 00:04:43,599 --> 00:04:46,870 (laughs) Yeah, Paul was like, "Oh, honey, we don't need one." 82 00:04:46,903 --> 00:04:49,873 But uh-uh, I didn't fall for that shit. 83 00:04:49,906 --> 00:04:52,508 So, like a boss, I made him. 84 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,344 Lindsay, you ding-dong. 85 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:57,247 A prenup protects the wealthier person, him, 86 00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:01,651 in a divorce from giving his money to the poorer person, you. 87 00:05:01,684 --> 00:05:03,754 Are you goddamn kidding me? 88 00:05:03,787 --> 00:05:06,022 And you let me get an abortion?! 89 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,391 I had a ticket to 18 years of dough 90 00:05:08,424 --> 00:05:10,894 and you let me flush my ticket? 91 00:05:10,927 --> 00:05:13,930 Hey, just focus. 92 00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:17,167 Do the most important thing first: tell Paul. 93 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,369 Once you do that, you can figure out your life. 94 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:22,605 Now I have to get a stupid job. 95 00:05:22,638 --> 00:05:24,240 Can I have a job? 96 00:05:24,274 --> 00:05:26,943 That's gonna be a hard no. 97 00:05:26,977 --> 00:05:28,979 * 98 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,952 So, I got a bunch of ideas about that restaurant concept. 99 00:05:35,986 --> 00:05:38,254 You know, savory cereal? 100 00:05:38,288 --> 00:05:40,924 Two words: Beefy Pebbles. 101 00:05:40,957 --> 00:05:43,559 We'll talk later. 102 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,128 Ooh, excuse me? Excuse me? Excuse me? 103 00:05:45,161 --> 00:05:47,030 SHITSTAIN: Did-did you call him? 104 00:05:47,063 --> 00:05:49,432 HONEY NUTZ: Yes, I called him. I can't believe he's late, man. 105 00:05:49,465 --> 00:05:52,535 I can. He's been the worst best man ever. 106 00:05:52,568 --> 00:05:54,805 He lost the ring at the Monterey Aquarium tide pool. 107 00:05:54,838 --> 00:05:56,272 Said a sea anemone took it. 108 00:05:56,306 --> 00:05:58,041 Does that even sound plausible to you? 109 00:05:58,074 --> 00:06:00,443 Do you know how slow a sea anemone is? 110 00:06:00,476 --> 00:06:01,878 There he is. 111 00:06:01,912 --> 00:06:03,379 Where's the navy suit? 112 00:06:03,413 --> 00:06:05,715 Oh, nah, blood, this is it. 113 00:06:05,748 --> 00:06:08,584 I just got the pants hemmed and the jacket taken in. 114 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,753 Then it still was a total piece of shit, 115 00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:13,389 so I lit it on fire and bought something dope instead. 116 00:06:13,423 --> 00:06:15,258 (groans) That's it! 117 00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:16,726 You're fired as best man. 118 00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:18,995 Nutz, you're giving the toast tonight. 119 00:06:19,029 --> 00:06:20,596 Seriously? 120 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,633 Okay, idiot, good luck with this mush-mouth. 121 00:06:23,666 --> 00:06:25,335 Fool can't even leave a simple voice mail. 122 00:06:25,368 --> 00:06:27,337 Always be like, "Uh... 123 00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:30,173 Call me back. Uh..." Click. 124 00:06:30,206 --> 00:06:32,843 Y-Yo, you know public speaking is one of my greatest fears. 125 00:06:32,876 --> 00:06:34,344 It's public speaking, heights and waking up 126 00:06:34,377 --> 00:06:35,812 with a scorpion in my mouth. 127 00:06:35,846 --> 00:06:37,147 You'll be fine. 128 00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:38,681 We're professional public speakers. 129 00:06:38,714 --> 00:06:40,116 That-that's different. 130 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,352 Look, Honey Nutz is a persona. 131 00:06:42,385 --> 00:06:46,122 Uh, when I'm not rapping, I'm just Zachary from Reseda, 132 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,490 that likes hard cider 133 00:06:47,523 --> 00:06:49,860 and losing myself in a graphic novel. 134 00:06:49,893 --> 00:06:51,761 (growls) 135 00:06:51,794 --> 00:06:53,329 I don't mean no disrespect, by that. 136 00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:54,998 I don't, I don't. I'm just saying... 137 00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,567 Oh! 138 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,537 Nice look. 139 00:07:01,571 --> 00:07:04,040 Shouldn't you be trying to shoot down Snoopy? 140 00:07:04,074 --> 00:07:06,943 I went a little crazy with the purge. 141 00:07:06,977 --> 00:07:09,880 Got rid of all my outerwear and my underwear. 142 00:07:09,913 --> 00:07:13,850 I'm currently wearing one of Edgar's bathing suits. 143 00:07:13,884 --> 00:07:17,287 Jimmy, I've thought about your pros and cons list, 144 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,156 and I think it's only fair that you show it to me. 145 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,558 Gretchen, I'm undergoing 146 00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:26,362 a really painful process of reevaluation. 147 00:07:26,396 --> 00:07:29,299 Now, if you could just respect my privacy, 148 00:07:29,332 --> 00:07:31,534 I'd really appreciate it. 149 00:07:31,567 --> 00:07:35,305 Fine, I hear you. You have my word. 150 00:07:35,338 --> 00:07:36,739 Mm. 151 00:07:39,509 --> 00:07:40,476 Mm. 152 00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:42,178 Oh, yeah. Ooh, a zipper! 153 00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,214 I can't get through that. (laughs) 154 00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,818 Fine. 155 00:07:48,851 --> 00:07:51,554 I'm gonna go shake gifts, see if anything sounds expensive. 156 00:07:54,024 --> 00:07:55,558 Jimmy. 157 00:07:55,591 --> 00:07:56,993 This is my wife, Jaclyn. 158 00:07:57,027 --> 00:07:57,994 Hi! 159 00:07:58,028 --> 00:07:59,529 (scoffs) 160 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,864 What a dick. Don't worry, he's an asshole. 161 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,499 Priscilla! 162 00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:05,235 Oh, look at you! 163 00:08:05,268 --> 00:08:06,536 Oh. What do you think? Amazing! 164 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:07,770 Oh, thank you. 165 00:08:07,803 --> 00:08:09,405 MAN: Shitstain in the house! 166 00:08:09,439 --> 00:08:11,207 I love weddings. 167 00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:12,708 Friends coming together. 168 00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,377 Old couples falling in love again. 169 00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:16,512 Plus, you can totally steal a chair at a wedding. 170 00:08:16,546 --> 00:08:18,381 I've done it so many times. 171 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,951 Most of my chairs are wedding chairs. (phone vibrates) 172 00:08:20,984 --> 00:08:22,352 What's going on? 173 00:08:22,385 --> 00:08:24,287 Whoa. It's Doug Benson. 174 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,857 He wants me to come up with five sketch ideas by tomorrow. 175 00:08:27,890 --> 00:08:29,859 (exhales) Well... 176 00:08:29,892 --> 00:08:32,128 I guess I better start brainstorming. 177 00:08:32,162 --> 00:08:34,197 Wait, you're gonna work at a wedding? 178 00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:35,598 I don't have a choice, Dorothy. 179 00:08:35,631 --> 00:08:37,733 I mean, this is a huge opportunity. 180 00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,769 I-I got to nail it. 181 00:08:39,802 --> 00:08:41,537 Okay, let's see. 182 00:08:41,571 --> 00:08:43,606 Weddings, weddings. 183 00:08:43,639 --> 00:08:46,742 Bride. Groom. Broom. 184 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:51,781 Here comes... the broom? 185 00:08:54,517 --> 00:08:55,885 Wow. 186 00:08:55,918 --> 00:08:58,288 This might not take long after all. 187 00:08:58,321 --> 00:09:01,291 Cool. So just go do your very important work, 188 00:09:01,324 --> 00:09:05,128 and I'll just wander around by myself, like a loser. 189 00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:08,331 Hey! Lindsay! 190 00:09:09,332 --> 00:09:12,602 (groaning) 191 00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,070 He has a job. 192 00:09:14,104 --> 00:09:16,106 How'd he get that? 193 00:09:21,944 --> 00:09:24,847 SHITSTAIN: All right, I fired him to hire you. 194 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,083 These aren't your words you're writing. 195 00:09:27,117 --> 00:09:29,619 What is that? (sniffing) 196 00:09:34,624 --> 00:09:36,592 Hey. How'd you get that? 197 00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:37,827 What? (chuckles) 198 00:09:37,860 --> 00:09:41,264 I-I don't know what you're talking about. 199 00:09:41,297 --> 00:09:43,533 PRISCILLA: Listen one more time. 200 00:09:43,566 --> 00:09:48,038 My client wants 100% ostrich feathers. 201 00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:51,174 I don't care. Just wait until they stick their heads 202 00:09:51,207 --> 00:09:54,110 in the ground and then slit their throats. 203 00:09:54,144 --> 00:09:55,845 Hey, how'd you get that? 204 00:09:55,878 --> 00:09:57,947 (chuckles) My job? 205 00:09:57,980 --> 00:10:00,183 Well, I started a fashion blog. 206 00:10:00,216 --> 00:10:02,785 Then Tavi Gevinson retweeted me. 207 00:10:02,818 --> 00:10:05,688 Then I dressed Parker Posey for the Good Wife premiere. 208 00:10:05,721 --> 00:10:07,790 Before I knew it, I was a stylist. 209 00:10:07,823 --> 00:10:10,026 I love your jacket, by the way. Thanks. 210 00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:12,362 My trick is I just buy a cheap jacket, 211 00:10:12,395 --> 00:10:13,796 replace the buttons with doper ones, 212 00:10:13,829 --> 00:10:15,631 and tell everyone I got it in Italy. 213 00:10:15,665 --> 00:10:17,800 But not Little Italy. The big Italy. 214 00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:20,570 That's brilliant. (laughs) 215 00:10:20,603 --> 00:10:22,705 I really like your pocket square, too. 216 00:10:22,738 --> 00:10:24,474 Thanks. Those are my panties. 217 00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:25,975 (laughs) 218 00:10:26,008 --> 00:10:27,843 LINDSAY: I'm not joking. 219 00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:34,884 Hey. What's up with you? 220 00:10:34,917 --> 00:10:36,219 Hi, Gretchen. 221 00:10:36,252 --> 00:10:37,753 SAM: Got fired as the best man. 222 00:10:37,787 --> 00:10:39,489 Not that I care. 223 00:10:39,522 --> 00:10:41,824 Group's turning into a bunch of pussies anyway! 224 00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:43,726 Honey Nutz is getting his knuckles waxed 225 00:10:43,759 --> 00:10:45,895 for his appearance on Poker After Dark. 226 00:10:45,928 --> 00:10:47,897 Shitstain getting married with no thought 227 00:10:47,930 --> 00:10:50,233 to how it will affect our careers. 228 00:10:50,266 --> 00:10:53,002 I ain't trying to rap about kids or poker! 229 00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:55,371 Ain't nothing rhyme with "poker." 230 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,941 So what are you gonna do? 231 00:10:58,974 --> 00:11:01,244 What can I do? He went and changed his whole life, 232 00:11:01,277 --> 00:11:03,045 and I don't even got a say in it. 233 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,714 Hey, you guys are a team. 234 00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,716 If you feel like you're losing control of your future, 235 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,184 just talk to him. 236 00:11:08,218 --> 00:11:11,221 Your actions affect each other. 237 00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:13,423 Yeah. 238 00:11:13,456 --> 00:11:16,526 My actions do affect each other. 239 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,761 I don't like how you just repeated that verbatim 240 00:11:18,794 --> 00:11:20,596 with a glint in your eye, but, yeah, 241 00:11:20,630 --> 00:11:24,234 you got to take charge of your... future. 242 00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:26,236 Now you have the glint, too, bitch. 243 00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,771 Bitch, I ain't got no glint! 244 00:11:28,804 --> 00:11:30,806 * 245 00:11:39,014 --> 00:11:41,217 Okay, how's this for a sketch idea? 246 00:11:41,251 --> 00:11:43,319 A guy who takes everything literally. 247 00:11:43,353 --> 00:11:45,955 That's kind of the first sketch that everybody comes up with. 248 00:11:45,988 --> 00:11:47,323 That or 50-hour Energy. 249 00:11:47,357 --> 00:11:50,460 Oh, man. That'd be so much energy. 250 00:11:50,493 --> 00:11:52,962 (laughs) 251 00:11:52,995 --> 00:11:56,132 Hey, look. It's Brian Posehn. 252 00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:59,068 (chuckles) That is not Brian Posehn. 253 00:11:59,101 --> 00:12:01,137 I took tickets for Brian Posehn's one-man show, 254 00:12:01,171 --> 00:12:02,438 like, a decade ago. 255 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,740 I used to party with all those comics. 256 00:12:04,774 --> 00:12:07,076 The one thing I know is who is who in comedy, 257 00:12:07,109 --> 00:12:09,312 and I know that that is not Brian Posehn. 258 00:12:11,381 --> 00:12:13,115 Oh. I guess it is him. 259 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:14,250 Haircut. 260 00:12:14,284 --> 00:12:15,751 I should go talk to him. 261 00:12:15,785 --> 00:12:17,787 Maybe I could bounce some ideas off him. 262 00:12:20,890 --> 00:12:23,259 Excuse me. Champagne? 263 00:12:23,293 --> 00:12:24,694 Oh. 264 00:12:28,698 --> 00:12:31,167 I'll leave it in the bathroom later under the soap. 265 00:12:31,201 --> 00:12:32,935 Soap. (sniffing) 266 00:12:32,968 --> 00:12:34,970 (R&B music playing) 267 00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:44,013 Excuse me, where's the restroom? 268 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,784 Can I help you? 269 00:12:48,818 --> 00:12:50,986 Yeah, um, uh, my boyfriend 270 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,789 left his heart attack medication in his coat. 271 00:12:53,823 --> 00:12:55,858 Ugh. 272 00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,529 Yeah, do you have a claim ticket? 273 00:12:59,562 --> 00:13:01,564 Uh, no, but... 274 00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:04,234 I got this. 275 00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:06,001 Ignore the bruise. 276 00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:09,004 Yeah, I just needed a ticket to know which coat to get. 277 00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:12,608 Oh, uh, yeah. It's the really ugly bomber jacket. 278 00:13:22,285 --> 00:13:24,420 Goddamn it. 279 00:13:24,454 --> 00:13:26,222 (growls) 280 00:13:26,256 --> 00:13:28,724 Okay. 281 00:13:28,758 --> 00:13:30,826 (groans) 282 00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:32,862 Hi. (yelps) 283 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,933 (clicks tongue) 284 00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:40,536 Fine. Two can play at that game. 285 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,272 Yeah, whatever you say, Gr... 286 00:13:42,305 --> 00:13:43,873 What? Hang on. What are you doing? 287 00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,942 Um, I'm making a pros and cons list about you. 288 00:13:46,976 --> 00:13:49,211 No. No. You can't do that. 289 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,013 Pros and cons list is my thing. 290 00:13:51,046 --> 00:13:54,049 Oh, another con: possessiveness of ideas. 291 00:13:55,718 --> 00:13:57,420 Right. 292 00:13:57,453 --> 00:13:58,721 Hey. 293 00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:02,758 Just to balance it out. 294 00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:04,794 * 295 00:14:15,505 --> 00:14:17,707 Hey. Congratulations. 296 00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:21,377 Thanks. Yeah, my parents thought 25 was young to get married, 297 00:14:21,411 --> 00:14:23,946 but when you know you found the one... 298 00:14:23,979 --> 00:14:26,949 25? Wow, that's... that's a good age. 299 00:14:26,982 --> 00:14:28,284 Mm. 300 00:14:28,318 --> 00:14:30,786 I tested for Ugly Betty when I was 25. 301 00:14:30,820 --> 00:14:33,456 Who's Ugly Betty? 302 00:14:33,489 --> 00:14:35,291 I'm gonna go. 303 00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,862 Uh, that's actually just for the bride... 304 00:14:42,264 --> 00:14:44,967 Oh. Listen. 305 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,903 It's only fair I warn you what you're getting into with us. 306 00:14:47,937 --> 00:14:50,272 Our lifestyle is straight bananas. 307 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:53,409 Touring, staying out late, living off gum and Code Red. 308 00:14:53,443 --> 00:14:55,411 It can be rough on bitches. 309 00:14:55,445 --> 00:14:56,479 Bitches? 310 00:14:56,512 --> 00:14:58,514 Oh. (chuckles) On women. 311 00:14:58,548 --> 00:15:00,583 Yes, Sam, I know. Don't worry. 312 00:15:00,616 --> 00:15:02,852 I am very pragmatic. 313 00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:05,821 You have to maintain a certain image for the fans. 314 00:15:05,855 --> 00:15:07,156 Nothing will change. 315 00:15:07,189 --> 00:15:09,525 Okay, good. 316 00:15:09,559 --> 00:15:11,961 At least until we have a baby. 317 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,597 But we aren't planning on starting a family 318 00:15:14,630 --> 00:15:16,332 until at least a year. 319 00:15:16,366 --> 00:15:18,167 A baby? 320 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,670 A human-ass baby? 321 00:15:20,703 --> 00:15:22,938 Oh, man. 322 00:15:22,972 --> 00:15:25,508 Seems like just yesterday we were skating on Fairfax, 323 00:15:25,541 --> 00:15:28,511 stealing leftovers from Orthodox Jews coming out of Canter's. 324 00:15:28,544 --> 00:15:31,313 Now everything's getting so serious. 325 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:34,617 Sam, things change. 326 00:15:34,650 --> 00:15:38,320 I know it's scary, but... you'll be okay. 327 00:15:39,389 --> 00:15:41,524 What the hell?! What? 328 00:15:41,557 --> 00:15:44,026 Ugh! I can't believe he just did that. 329 00:15:44,059 --> 00:15:45,995 Ugh. Dale! Dale! 330 00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,663 Shitstain! 331 00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:48,664 What happened? 332 00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,232 Sam tried to kiss me! 333 00:15:50,265 --> 00:15:51,901 What the hell is wrong with you?! 334 00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:55,004 I'm sorry! I'm just highly upset! 335 00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:57,006 This is all happening so fast. 336 00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,842 First, you settling down. And as soon as someone agrees 337 00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:02,412 to go on a date with Zachary, you know he gonna grab on tight 338 00:16:02,445 --> 00:16:03,846 and never let go. Oh, wait, wait, wait. 339 00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:05,347 Are you talking about someone specific? 340 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:06,982 Because if someone has expressed interest, 341 00:16:07,016 --> 00:16:08,651 I'm available. Look, if you're afraid 342 00:16:08,684 --> 00:16:11,387 that this is going to affect our work, it's not. 343 00:16:11,421 --> 00:16:13,222 We signed our million-year pledge. 344 00:16:13,255 --> 00:16:15,057 It ain't the work. 345 00:16:15,090 --> 00:16:17,927 I'm just... 346 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,831 I'm just afraid I'm losing my best friends. 347 00:16:21,864 --> 00:16:26,769 Sam, you're never going to lose me as a friend. 348 00:16:26,802 --> 00:16:30,906 Look, why don't you and Zachary give the speech together. 349 00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:33,108 Both of you are my best men. 350 00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:34,910 Always will be. 351 00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:36,846 All right, man. 352 00:16:36,879 --> 00:16:38,948 Let's go work on that speech. 353 00:16:38,981 --> 00:16:40,783 I go first, obviously. 354 00:16:43,052 --> 00:16:45,421 You know you can't be friends with him anymore, right? 355 00:16:45,455 --> 00:16:47,089 Yeah, yeah, I know. 356 00:16:47,122 --> 00:16:48,591 Hey. 357 00:16:48,624 --> 00:16:52,094 Okay, so far, I have "takes up too much room in bed," 358 00:16:52,127 --> 00:16:54,096 "eats pizza with a fork." 359 00:16:54,129 --> 00:16:55,465 So you're making a list 360 00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:57,066 of dumb little negative things about him? 361 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,101 Yeah. 362 00:17:02,404 --> 00:17:04,373 Is this the dude that wore the bomber jacket? 363 00:17:04,406 --> 00:17:05,608 That feels like one. 364 00:17:05,641 --> 00:17:08,143 (gasps) Yes. Thank you. 365 00:17:10,813 --> 00:17:12,782 Hey. Alex said you were gonna put the coke 366 00:17:12,815 --> 00:17:14,383 in the bathroom, man. It's not there. 367 00:17:14,416 --> 00:17:17,286 What? I left it under the soap. 368 00:17:17,319 --> 00:17:19,054 Dude, I bet you Alex took it. 369 00:17:19,088 --> 00:17:20,890 Look, I'm not sure I want to get involved 370 00:17:20,923 --> 00:17:24,093 in this cereal restaurant thing if we can't trust him. 371 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,795 (sniffs) 372 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,732 EDGAR: So, the guy's, like... 373 00:17:29,765 --> 00:17:31,934 (sighs) "The boss is up my butt," 374 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:34,670 and our hero-- taking everything literally, right?-- 375 00:17:34,704 --> 00:17:36,639 puts his mouth to the guy's butt, 376 00:17:36,672 --> 00:17:38,974 and he's like, "Are you in there, Mr. Hendrickson? 377 00:17:39,008 --> 00:17:40,442 I'll save ya." 378 00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,245 (laughs) That's hilarious, man. 379 00:17:43,278 --> 00:17:45,481 Hey! Brian! 380 00:17:45,515 --> 00:17:47,583 So good to see you again. 381 00:17:47,617 --> 00:17:50,119 I'm sorry. Do I know you? 382 00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,654 Dorothy Durwood. 383 00:17:51,687 --> 00:17:53,489 We worked together on your one-man show. 384 00:17:53,523 --> 00:17:54,857 I took tickets. 385 00:17:54,890 --> 00:17:56,826 Remember after that one show at Birds, 386 00:17:56,859 --> 00:17:59,428 you dared me to eat an entire rotisserie chicken 387 00:17:59,461 --> 00:18:01,163 and then I did? 388 00:18:01,196 --> 00:18:03,533 But then people kind of felt sorry for me, and... 389 00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:05,367 it was kind of a downer all told, 390 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,537 and not ultimately worth it, comedically. 391 00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:09,338 Right! 392 00:18:09,371 --> 00:18:10,606 Course. 393 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,174 H-How's it going? 394 00:18:12,207 --> 00:18:13,709 (groans) Still grinding away 395 00:18:13,743 --> 00:18:14,977 at the old improv. 396 00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,712 Been doing it, gosh, like, a decade now. 397 00:18:16,746 --> 00:18:18,814 But, yeah, my boyfriend here, he goes and does it 398 00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:21,483 for literally an hour and gets a job, but... 399 00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,554 I've got chore monkey shifts, so-- you know what that is? 400 00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:27,189 Someone literally pays you just over minimum wage 401 00:18:27,222 --> 00:18:29,024 to clean out their fridge, for an example, 402 00:18:29,058 --> 00:18:31,393 and, uh, if you're real lucky, when you get there, 403 00:18:31,426 --> 00:18:33,062 it's your ex-boyfriend from college. 404 00:18:33,095 --> 00:18:35,397 Hey, uh, how much do I have to pay you 405 00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:37,132 to end this conversation? (chuckles) 406 00:18:37,166 --> 00:18:38,668 (laughs) 407 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:41,470 Uh, hey, why-why don't I take you home? 408 00:18:41,503 --> 00:18:43,505 No. No, you're networking. 409 00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,740 Go network. 410 00:18:44,774 --> 00:18:47,042 D-Dorothy? 411 00:18:47,076 --> 00:18:49,645 That was rough. Sorry. 412 00:18:49,679 --> 00:18:52,181 Hey, uh, I found some cocaine in the bathroom. 413 00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:53,749 Do you want some? 414 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,451 Mm. 415 00:18:59,088 --> 00:19:01,256 PRISCILLA: (laughs) You know, actually, 416 00:19:01,290 --> 00:19:03,492 I'm looking for an assistant stylist. 417 00:19:03,525 --> 00:19:05,527 I've stylisted before! 418 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,930 I-I dressed this rapper, and we wrote a song 419 00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:11,033 and smoked a, um... a professional job thingie. 420 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:12,868 (both laugh) 421 00:19:12,902 --> 00:19:15,504 Well, I'd love to run through a few questions with you. 422 00:19:15,537 --> 00:19:18,841 But you need to know that there is travel required. 423 00:19:18,874 --> 00:19:21,243 You'd have to come with me to Paris 424 00:19:21,276 --> 00:19:23,112 a couple of times a year... 425 00:19:23,145 --> 00:19:24,847 (ringtone plays) Oh. Sorry. 426 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,548 Um, I'll be right back. 427 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,217 Yeah. 428 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,352 I don't know, you tell me: 429 00:19:30,385 --> 00:19:32,855 is an emu the same thing as an ostrich? 430 00:19:32,888 --> 00:19:34,123 I'll wait. 431 00:19:34,156 --> 00:19:35,858 Can you believe this? 432 00:19:35,891 --> 00:19:37,559 Sweetie, I think it's amazing 433 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:39,695 that you want to work, but... 434 00:19:39,729 --> 00:19:42,097 it's only ethical that you tell her you're with child. 435 00:19:42,131 --> 00:19:44,133 Paul, this woman dressed Porter Potty 436 00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:45,801 for The Good Li premiere 437 00:19:45,835 --> 00:19:47,770 after being retweeted by Crabby Applepants. 438 00:19:47,803 --> 00:19:50,072 She likes me. Let me handle this. 439 00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:52,141 PRISCILLA: (groans) Sorry about that. 440 00:19:52,174 --> 00:19:55,044 Poachers can be so unreliable. 441 00:19:55,077 --> 00:19:56,812 Anyway, tell me about you guys. 442 00:19:56,846 --> 00:19:59,148 Do you have any children? Nope. (clears throat) 443 00:19:59,181 --> 00:20:00,716 (chuckles) Um... 444 00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:02,551 well, that's not entirely accurate. 445 00:20:02,584 --> 00:20:04,419 Do not take this from me, Paul. 446 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,756 It's entirely accurate. (clears throat) 447 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:09,825 Ma'am, despite my wife's objections, 448 00:20:09,859 --> 00:20:12,394 I feel we have an ethical obligation 449 00:20:12,427 --> 00:20:15,297 to inform you of something. 450 00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:17,066 Lindsay's pregnant. Oh? 451 00:20:17,099 --> 00:20:18,768 No, I'm not. 452 00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:21,637 (chuckles) Lindsay, I can't let you mislead her. 453 00:20:21,671 --> 00:20:23,272 She's pregnant. 454 00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,241 No! I'm not pregnant, Paul. There is no baby. 455 00:20:26,275 --> 00:20:28,110 I had an abortion. (gasps) 456 00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:29,812 Lindsay, don't lie to her. 457 00:20:29,845 --> 00:20:31,814 I'm not lying. Gretchen drove me. 458 00:20:31,847 --> 00:20:34,083 There was a pie flight. I talked to a sign lady. 459 00:20:34,116 --> 00:20:36,185 I did that. Yeah. Hmm? 460 00:20:36,218 --> 00:20:38,287 Also, I'm leaving you. (groans) 461 00:20:39,689 --> 00:20:42,157 So this is the b Paris, right? 462 00:20:42,191 --> 00:20:44,293 The one with the bread? 463 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,761 Uh... 464 00:20:45,795 --> 00:20:48,197 you guys seem like you need some time alone. 465 00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:50,833 Why don't you call me when you... 466 00:20:50,866 --> 00:20:53,002 figure all this out. 467 00:20:55,971 --> 00:20:58,173 Paul, are you okay? 468 00:20:59,374 --> 00:21:01,811 (soft, trembling breaths) 469 00:21:11,921 --> 00:21:14,023 I am allowed to reassess my life. 470 00:21:14,056 --> 00:21:15,791 You have no say in it. 471 00:21:15,825 --> 00:21:17,626 So I'm just supposed to wait around 472 00:21:17,659 --> 00:21:19,628 until you think I'm worthy of being your girlfriend? 473 00:21:19,661 --> 00:21:21,230 That's bullshit, dude. 474 00:21:21,263 --> 00:21:23,899 Just tell me one of the things on your list. 475 00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:26,702 Okay, fine. But only if you tell me one of yours. 476 00:21:26,736 --> 00:21:28,704 (scoffs) Fine. 477 00:21:28,738 --> 00:21:31,473 (sighs): Okay. 478 00:21:31,506 --> 00:21:33,843 "I can't see having kids with her." 479 00:21:35,845 --> 00:21:37,612 Your turn. 480 00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:44,653 I'm afraid you'll never be successful. 481 00:21:44,686 --> 00:21:47,422 All right, everybody, quiet down. Quiet down. 482 00:21:47,456 --> 00:21:49,424 I'm Sam. This is my boy Zachary. 483 00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:51,727 Now, we know why we're here today. 484 00:21:51,761 --> 00:21:53,863 Dale and Jaclyn went and eloped, 485 00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:56,265 because they were too cheap to throw a proper wedding. 486 00:21:56,298 --> 00:21:58,033 (laughter) 487 00:21:58,067 --> 00:22:01,203 "Two people haven't gotten married that fast 488 00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:05,107 since Immigration came for my mom's gardener." 489 00:22:05,140 --> 00:22:06,842 (woman coughs quietly) 490 00:22:06,876 --> 00:22:09,044 It's true that this courtship was kind of quick, 491 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,746 but the thing is, 492 00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:14,183 when your shadow looks like a broomstick with an afro, 493 00:22:14,216 --> 00:22:16,886 you lock down the first girl that lets you touch her titties! 494 00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:18,453 (laughter) 495 00:22:18,487 --> 00:22:21,523 "This-this dude is so ugly... 496 00:22:21,556 --> 00:22:23,458 "his dad left his family 497 00:22:23,492 --> 00:22:26,128 and ask to go to jail." 498 00:22:26,161 --> 00:22:27,897 (chuckles) 499 00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:29,398 (man clears throat) 500 00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,867 (microphone feedback hums) All joking aside, 501 00:22:31,901 --> 00:22:35,470 it may seem like they ain't been dating that long, 502 00:22:35,504 --> 00:22:37,973 but when it's the person you're meant to be with, 503 00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:40,042 you know right away. (people aahing) 504 00:22:40,075 --> 00:22:41,977 And as you get to know them, 505 00:22:42,011 --> 00:22:45,147 you only grow to love them more. 506 00:22:45,180 --> 00:22:47,182 (whispers) 507 00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:50,552 Hey... 508 00:22:50,585 --> 00:22:53,588 uh, "Even if it doesn't work out, 509 00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:57,960 we all got some wack-ass ceviche out of it, right?" 510 00:22:57,993 --> 00:23:00,762 (laughter) Ha! Ha-ha! 511 00:23:02,832 --> 00:23:03,833 Oh. 512 00:23:03,866 --> 00:23:05,134 (guitar playing mellow intro) 513 00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:07,169 Sorry about that kiss thing. I apologize. 514 00:23:11,340 --> 00:23:14,176 I know he stole it. He's the one. 515 00:23:14,209 --> 00:23:16,211 * 516 00:23:23,552 --> 00:23:27,857 * So go and drag your shadow 517 00:23:27,890 --> 00:23:30,692 * Back up the street 518 00:23:34,796 --> 00:23:38,467 * 'Cause Lord knows I don't want it * 519 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:41,303 * Following me 520 00:23:54,249 --> 00:23:56,986 * So you and your heartbreak 521 00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:59,621 * And all of the mistakes 522 00:23:59,654 --> 00:24:02,491 * Are always there... 523 00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:04,994 Oh. Right. 524 00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:07,296 * You got some heartache 525 00:24:07,329 --> 00:24:09,531 * Come meet all my mistakes 526 00:24:09,564 --> 00:24:12,401 * And we'll always be there 527 00:24:12,434 --> 00:24:14,469 * They're always there 528 00:24:14,503 --> 00:24:17,339 * So you and your heartbreak 529 00:24:17,372 --> 00:24:19,808 * And all of the mistakes 530 00:24:19,841 --> 00:24:22,577 * Are always there 531 00:24:22,611 --> 00:24:25,214 * They're always there 532 00:24:25,247 --> 00:24:27,516 * I've got some heartache 533 00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:30,052 * Come meet all my mistakes 534 00:24:30,085 --> 00:24:32,421 * And we'll always be there 535 00:24:32,454 --> 00:24:35,424 * They're always there 536 00:24:37,759 --> 00:24:40,095 * So I don't know 537 00:24:40,129 --> 00:24:43,865 * Why I feel so 538 00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:45,534 * Alone 539 00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:47,869 * Oh, oh, oh, oh 540 00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:50,872 * Oh, yeah, I don't know why 541 00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:53,208 * I feel so 542 00:24:53,242 --> 00:24:57,112 * Alone... 543 00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,383 * Oh, I don't know why 544 00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,385 * I feel so 545 00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:06,388 * Alone 546 00:25:06,421 --> 00:25:08,423 * Oh, oh, oh, oh 547 00:25:08,457 --> 00:25:10,759 * Oh, yeah, I don't know 548 00:25:10,792 --> 00:25:14,763 * Why I feel so alone. 549 00:25:18,900 --> 00:25:21,903 (dog barks) 550 00:25:24,839 --> 00:25:27,842 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 38448

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