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1
00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:04,072
When you think about it,
aren't we all special needs?
2
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:07,007
I mean, we have this set of ways
we want to be treated, right?
3
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:09,009
But the question is, is it real
4
00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:12,180
or is it just a reaction to life
constantly disappointing us?
5
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,348
Of course, we blame
those who are closest to us
6
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,984
for our misery,
instead of taking responsibility
7
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:19,387
for being
unsatisfiable dick nuggets.
8
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:22,190
We say,
"Hey there, person I love,
9
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:24,525
I'm unhappy,
so clearly you're failing me."
10
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:27,461
My wife is miserable,
11
00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:30,231
and instead of dealing
with her own malfunction,
12
00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:34,235
she fixates on some minor
financial trouble I had.
13
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:37,471
So not only am I now not allowed
to spend more than 25 bucks
14
00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:40,808
on anything fun, she requires me
to haggle for everything.
15
00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:42,376
I'm a happy dude.
16
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:43,977
But Bec,
she's this
17
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,480
angry bee swarm. And instead
of actually pollinating
18
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:50,118
some goddamn flowers,
she finds me enjoying life
19
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,685
and knows she can't have that.
20
00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,287
So, buzz! Sting! Aah!
21
00:00:53,321 --> 00:00:55,223
Anyway, so how 'bout $40?
22
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,457
It's $60.
23
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:57,291
Had to try.
24
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,492
(shouts)
25
00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:01,995
(moaning)
(laughing)
26
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:04,965
You guys sure came
a long way for a bassinet.
27
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:07,635
My glasses!
VERNON: Oh, when Bec
wants something...
28
00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:08,636
Doing good, bud!
29
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:11,872
I broke my glasses!
30
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,307
When's the baby due?
31
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,309
I forget. Whenever.
32
00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:18,812
Hey, shoot me a text confirming
that I tried to haggle with you.
33
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,148
Shotgun!
34
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,549
I called shotgun!
35
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,451
I'm driving.
So what?
36
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:24,985
I still get shotgun!
(groans)
37
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,421
*
38
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,496
(sighs)
39
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,204
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
40
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:45,973
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
41
00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:49,277
* Gonna leave you anyway.
42
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:55,649
RADIO HOST:
You're listening to Folio.
(harmonica playing)
43
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:56,984
I'm Steve Cornelia.
44
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,452
Up next,
45
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:01,289
we'll talk to the
ambrosial Jay Becanerny.
46
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:03,957
I've known Jay since we were
both fact-checkers at the
47
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,193
(radio turns up):
New Yorker.
48
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,894
The year, I shall not reveal,
49
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:09,963
but suffice it to say
that we each carried...
50
00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:12,233
(radio turns down)
51
00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:14,535
(radio turns up)
52
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:16,136
(clears throat)
Well, I have to say
53
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,472
we've made good time.
54
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,907
I believe we'll
beat my estimate home
55
00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,909
by 25 minutes or so.
56
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,244
Road trip bonus time.
57
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:24,512
Let's do a bunch of fun shit.
58
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,180
First we got to get a Blizzard.
59
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:28,216
You put some rum in it,
you call it a rizzard.
60
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:30,351
If you put gin in it, gizzard.
61
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:33,954
Put wine in it, it's a wizard.
62
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,223
Yes! See?
(chuckles)
63
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:36,624
This is what it's all about,
64
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,793
family hang, making mad jokes,
dicking around.
65
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:41,962
So boss.
I love it, I really do.
66
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,332
("Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs
plays over radio)
67
00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:45,833
* At a tombstone bar
68
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,368
* In a juke joint car
69
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,636
* He made a stop
70
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,671
(singing along):
* Stop
71
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:53,073
* Just long enough
72
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:57,878
* To grab a handle off the top
73
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,013
* Next stop Chi Town
74
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,682
* Lido, put the money down
75
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:03,951
* Let it roll
76
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:07,020
* He said one more hit
77
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:08,055
* Ought to do it
78
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,323
* This joint
79
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,759
* Ain't nothing to it
80
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:18,966
* One for the road
Stop.
81
00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:21,235
* Lido
82
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:22,903
* Whoa, oh, oh, oh
83
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,538
* Oh, oh
84
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:27,174
* He said one more
85
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,243
(sustained):
* For
86
00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:34,147
* The road
87
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:35,383
Scaggs, check it.
88
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:39,086
(off-key harmonica playing)
89
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:43,056
(music and harmonica stop)
90
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:46,294
I did a list of cool
road trip stuff-- check it.
91
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,562
Strawberry patch,
Pea Soup Andersens.
92
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:49,997
You got to get some pea soup.
93
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,400
Michael Penn is playing
at the Morongo.
94
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:55,869
I promised Lindsay I'd be home
in two hours and 12 minutes.
95
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,573
Fine.
96
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:00,841
I'll get the gas.
97
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:02,876
Thanks.
I'll get provisions.
98
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:05,846
Get some Mambas
and some Red Vines.
99
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,715
and some Blammos,
whatever flavor.
100
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,750
But make sure it's something
really messed up.
101
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:19,159
Oh snap, free blue paper towels.
102
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:25,533
Cool look, Corey Hart,
(phone ringing)
103
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:27,668
singer of "I Wear
My Sunglasses at Night."
104
00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:29,303
They're prescription.
105
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,838
(laughs)
Shh.
106
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:31,672
LINDSAY:
What?
107
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:32,906
Hello, my love.
108
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,842
You're on speaker phone.
109
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,243
No, I'm not,
my ear's on the thing.
110
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,845
(chuckles)
111
00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:39,480
We've successfully
picked up the bassinet.
112
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:42,015
We should be home in
the next two hours or so.
113
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:44,685
You're not here?
114
00:04:44,718 --> 00:04:46,620
What?
(chuckles)
115
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:47,988
No.
116
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,957
Don't forget,
Raul is coming at 7:00.
117
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,726
That's tonight?
118
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:53,894
Can you postpone?
119
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:54,895
Can you pick up some lube,
120
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:57,130
diet sun...
Lindsay?
121
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,533
(Siri beeps)
Call Lindsay.
122
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,502
SIRI:
I found Lind Ski Resort nearby.
123
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:02,636
Ugh.
(Siri beeps)
124
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,972
Call Lindsay.
125
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,074
Dang it.
Damn, damn!
126
00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:09,009
(car sputters)
What?
127
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:12,680
Don't! No.
VERNON: Stop it.
128
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,048
Cut it out.
PAUL: Vernon, it's stalling.
129
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,819
VERNON:
Oh.
130
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,053
(groans)
131
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:22,390
Great.
Nice job, fa...
132
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,492
(coughs)
133
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:27,227
I swear you can taste
each individual flavor
134
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,397
in these
seven-layer dip Blammos.
135
00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:30,864
How do they do that?
136
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,868
One, beans.
137
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,236
Two, cheese.
138
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:37,505
Three, guac.
139
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,972
Four, sour cream.
140
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,207
Five, salsa.
141
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,476
Six, black olives.
142
00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:43,744
You sure you
don't have a signal?
143
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:45,012
What's the seventh layer
144
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,246
in a seven-layer dip?
145
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,415
Why can't I remember?
146
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:48,716
Come on, brain.
147
00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,652
Aw, man.
148
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,954
Now I'll never figure out
what the seventh layer is.
149
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:55,689
What's the seventh?
150
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:57,625
This is a disaster.
151
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,827
(spits)
152
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,663
All right, if you could live
anywhere in the world,
153
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,997
where would it be? Go.
154
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,298
Where would you live?
155
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:06,534
Go.
156
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:07,901
Paul, go.
157
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,970
I don't feel like
playing games right now.
158
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:12,506
(spitting)
159
00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:13,974
What are you doing anyway?
160
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,043
What's it look like, idiot?
161
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,377
I'm messing with these ants.
162
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:18,812
Would you help me?
163
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:20,013
With what?
164
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,248
We have no cell.
165
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:22,750
No one's coming by.
166
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:25,486
You're not doing jack.
(continues spitting)
167
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,020
No, man.
168
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:28,622
I'm thirsty.
169
00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:31,559
I ate too many Blammos and I
spat on these ants too much.
170
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,060
You got any water?
I drank all my sodas.
171
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,962
No.
172
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,830
I hear a creek.
173
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:39,533
You can't drink creek water.
It's not safe.
174
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:42,169
Nah, I can't get sick.
To build my immune system,
175
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:44,071
I lick weird stuff
at the hospital
176
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,706
all the time.
In surg,
177
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,542
they say scrub up, I just
fake go through the motions.
178
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:49,810
Come on.
179
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:51,712
That's to protect the patients.
180
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,548
Agree to disagree.
181
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:03,090
*
182
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:07,060
(leaves rustling)
183
00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,129
VERNON:
How'd they get so mean?
184
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,498
Both of them.
185
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:11,799
Mean-ass sisters.
186
00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,133
We goofed, Paul.
187
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,569
We married a couple
of straight meanies.
188
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:18,672
My family growing up
was problematic, too.
189
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:20,373
Is that right?
190
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,675
I just said it was.
191
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:24,344
Yeah, my parents
never bonded with me
192
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,813
on account I was born dead.
193
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:28,749
So, emotionally, they already
buried their son,
194
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,718
but then oh, shit, dude's alive.
195
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,352
Your parents suck, too?
196
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:33,654
No.
197
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:34,855
They were quite
advanced in years
198
00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:36,824
by the time I came around.
199
00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:38,458
My siblings were
already out of college.
200
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:41,361
My nephew though, he's
six years older than me.
201
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:42,996
He was like a father to me.
202
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:46,667
He taught me a love
of the natural world.
203
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:49,202
My nephew gave me
my first beer.
204
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,470
Can you imagine that?
205
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:53,473
(laughs)
Ah.
206
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,075
Father was a kind soul,
207
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,010
but he just
wanted to sit quietly
208
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:59,246
and rest his eyes.
209
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:03,884
Anyway, that's why I'm so
excited to be a young father.
210
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,218
What? You're like 50.
211
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:07,154
I'm 35.
212
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,690
No. No way you're
younger than me.
213
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:10,958
But I am.
214
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,293
No way. That's insane.
215
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,528
Ask anyone. That is crazy.
216
00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:15,963
Look at you. You're insane.
217
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,131
I'm five years younger
than you are.
218
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,499
Yeah, okay. Whatever.
219
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,635
Impossible.
220
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,070
Yes!
221
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,973
VERNON:
Water skeeters,
222
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,909
I'm-a spit at you!
223
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,310
(Vernon chuckling)
224
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,980
Oh, my.
225
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,381
I think...
226
00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:35,649
Yes!
227
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,117
Vernon,
228
00:08:37,150 --> 00:08:38,552
it's a Squant-Billed Bushtit!
229
00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:39,452
A what?
230
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:40,654
A Squant-Billed Bushtit!
231
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,790
Oh, man. I can't even.
232
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,725
Oh, look at him.
233
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:47,561
It's rare to see a male calling
out of mating season.
234
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:50,197
You see, once a male mates,
he falls silent.
235
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:53,466
He spends all his time tending
to his mate and her chicks.
236
00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:56,036
Eventually, mute and unneeded,
237
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:58,872
he jumps from the tree
and does not fly.
238
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:00,307
You're harshing my swim.
239
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:04,077
Boy, he would've been
a good find.
240
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:06,714
Except I gave up my big year
241
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,515
because of my unfortunate
knife accident.
242
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,683
(laughing)
243
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,551
Are you done?
244
00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:14,521
Yeah, I guess so.
I'm pretty full.
245
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,523
Which way back?
246
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,361
That way.
247
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,396
(yells)
248
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,700
Don't throw pinecones at me.
249
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,501
You got us lost.
250
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:30,971
You're lucky I'm only throwing
pinecones, shitlord.
251
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,973
(yells)
252
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,009
(grunting)
253
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,012
(sighs)
254
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:41,882
Can you just admit that we've
been walking around in circles?
255
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:45,185
I've become too reliant on apps
in recent years.
256
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:47,688
Uncle Nephew taught me
solar location.
257
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:50,057
He'd put me on his lap
258
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,524
and point to the sun and say,
259
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:53,727
"That's the only tool
you'll ever need
260
00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:55,195
to get where you want to go."
261
00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:57,230
Normally, I'd slap
the shit out of you
262
00:09:57,264 --> 00:10:00,934
for talking like that,
but I am having fun.
263
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:02,670
(grunts)
264
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,538
(imitates explosion)
265
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:06,907
Come on!
266
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,175
We're men...
Hey.
267
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,476
...out in nature,
268
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:12,312
away from the sisters
Cottumaccio.
269
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,681
Ugh.
270
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:16,349
What a sonically displeasing
last name.
271
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,551
Isn't it? They're lucky to
take our dope-ass names.
272
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,387
Now, shh.
273
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:22,222
I have to concentrate.
274
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,024
As it is, I'm going to be
terribly late
275
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:25,292
to get home to Lindsay.
276
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:26,559
And Raul.
277
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:27,961
What?
278
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,029
She said Raul was coming over.
279
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,030
Who's Raul?
280
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,700
No one.
281
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:34,367
TV repairman.
282
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,236
Now, come on.
283
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:38,171
This way.
284
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:42,876
Is the seventh layer corn chips?
285
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,544
Nah, that doesn't count,
damn it.
286
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,890
We should bunker down
for the night.
287
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:58,358
No, we can make it.
288
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:00,293
Even if we knew which
direction to go in,
289
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,528
which we don't,
290
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:03,496
'cause your gross adult nephew
291
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:05,032
clearly just put you on his lap
292
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,800
so he could rub his dick
on your butt,
293
00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,635
it's gonna be dark soon.
294
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,137
We have to make it!
295
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,805
We have to build a fire, Paul.
296
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,073
I saw The Grey.
297
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,842
I'm not bottle-fighting
no woofs.
298
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:18,879
(Paul yelling)
299
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,881
(yelling continues)
300
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,816
Aah!
301
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:23,784
(gasping)
302
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,953
(groaning)
303
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:28,488
(panting)
304
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,557
Now I'm not gonna
be there for...
305
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,359
Oh...
306
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:33,894
this is bad.
307
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,396
This is very, very bad.
308
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:40,868
Okay.
309
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,138
We got a lot of work to do.
310
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:47,207
I'm gonna build a pit trap
and catch some varmints.
311
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:48,976
Whatever.
312
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,044
I'll build a fire.
313
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:52,345
Shoot.
314
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,314
This ground is pretty moist.
315
00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:57,317
It's going to make
finding accelerant difficult.
316
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,386
Booyah!
317
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,727
(plays harmonica riff)
318
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,629
* I am a doctor
319
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:11,131
(plays riff)
320
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:13,366
* I go snip snip
321
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,135
(plays riff)
322
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,736
* I rock that body
323
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,538
(plays riff)
324
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,607
* Or replace that hip.
325
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,911
(chuckling)
Now your turn.
326
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:25,512
Come on, it's easy. Just--
327
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:26,847
just sing your truth.
328
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,515
(plays harmonica riff)
329
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,717
Uh...
330
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,719
(plays riff)
331
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,454
* My name is Paul
332
00:12:34,487 --> 00:12:35,956
(plays riff)
333
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,891
* I am a human
334
00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,059
(plays riff)
335
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,060
* I'm Vice President
336
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,194
* Of Wealth Management
337
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:42,462
* and Investment Strategies
338
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:43,730
(plays riff)
339
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:47,500
* Again my name's Paul.
340
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:53,740
(chuckles)
341
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:54,908
See, the blues is easy.
342
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,844
I am so hungry.
343
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,645
We got to get some food.
I think I'm gonna die.
344
00:12:58,678 --> 00:12:59,646
(groans)
345
00:12:59,679 --> 00:13:01,982
(stomach growling)
Ooh...
346
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,783
Oh, great.
347
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:05,485
My IBS is flaring up.
348
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:08,956
Oh, okay, this is quite dire.
349
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,557
I bet you're regretting
making me burn
350
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,059
all those sweet paper towels.
Oh...
351
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,327
Here. It's a receipt for gas.
352
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:15,829
Hope your poop's small.
353
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,230
Stay away from
my pit trap.
354
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:18,999
Don't want you scaring
any future food.
355
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:21,334
(plays riff)
356
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,236
* Paul's going to poop
357
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,838
(plays riff)
358
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:26,874
* That cough could be croup
359
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:28,241
(plays riff)
360
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,143
* Salt and pepper same shoe
361
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:31,378
(plays riff)
362
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,313
* My wife Bec is a stu
363
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,748
(continues playing)
364
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:47,460
You sabotaged my car!
365
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,029
(plays riff)
366
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,297
No!
367
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,531
I'm saying
368
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,866
you sabotaged my car!
369
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:55,202
You put diesel in the tank!
370
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:56,636
(plays riff)
371
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,971
(chuckles)
(grunts)
372
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,073
(chuckles)
What's funny?
373
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:01,508
You didn't wipe your butt.
374
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,210
Gas was $3.27.
375
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:06,146
My car takes 18 gallons, max.
376
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:09,816
Total price should be, at most,
$58.86.
377
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:13,120
Your total was $64.39!
378
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:16,123
The only way that's
mathematically possible
379
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:18,325
is if you put diesel
in the tank!
380
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,659
Fine!
381
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,728
Yeah, I put diesel
in your dumb tank!
382
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:22,896
So what?
I panicked.
383
00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,564
I don't want to go home.
384
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:26,900
This is, like, my last chance
to get out of my house
385
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,701
and you're trying to end it.
386
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,804
Why did I agree
to come help you?
387
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,706
You and Becca are bad people.
388
00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:34,975
We're bad people?
389
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,209
Your wife stabbed you.
390
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:39,012
I backed into the knife.
391
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:42,249
Why was she holding it
directly at you, then, huh?
392
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,783
Face it, she tried
to murder you.
393
00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,053
You shut up, Vernon!
394
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,554
You shut up right now!
395
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,122
You shut up,
Rumpleforeskin!
396
00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:50,523
I hate you!
Your sunglasses
397
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,791
look so stupid!
398
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,126
You're not cool at all!
399
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,727
(yells)
400
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,796
(both grunting)
401
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:59,232
You're going to die
out here, Vernon!
You're worthless!
402
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,668
I will see to that!
You suck at everything!
You're gonna die!
403
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,370
I'm strong!
I'm a strong man!
404
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,371
I've killed so many people,
Paul!
405
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:05,672
I'm not afraid of it!
406
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,240
I am going to throw you
off this mountain!
407
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,809
I'm gonna feed you to a bear!
408
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,178
Ah! Not my hands!
Ah!
409
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,479
(both yelling)
410
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:13,746
(snap, animal squeals)
411
00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:23,190
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
412
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,492
Mmm, mmm.
Mmm.
413
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,228
(smacking lips)
414
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:30,563
Never thought squirrel
could be so delicious.
415
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,299
Nuts are high in
protein and fat.
416
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:34,667
Makes for tender flesh.
417
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:37,404
People forget I'm a doctor
and I know shit.
418
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,705
(sniffs)
Hey.
Mmm?
419
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:39,973
Check out his little
squirrel dick.
420
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:41,208
You dare me to flick it?
421
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,110
Ugh...
(chuckles)
422
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,580
I didn't know
we'd get lost.
423
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,016
I was just trying
to buy more time.
424
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,217
You don't understand.
425
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,484
It's a nightmare over there.
426
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:52,986
Becca makes me wear
427
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,954
full pajamas
so our skins don't touch.
428
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:57,824
Lindsay may have stabbed me
intentionally.
429
00:15:57,857 --> 00:15:59,459
I only get 20% of the TiVo.
430
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:01,828
And Becca's always erasing
my shows "accidentally."
431
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,997
I missed all last season
of The Librarians.
432
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,665
Lindsay order takeout for one.
433
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:06,966
One time I took a French fry
434
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,468
and she made me
give her a dollar
435
00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,070
even though it was
on my credit card.
436
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,305
Becca once held my head
in the toilet for a minute
437
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:13,873
when I forgot
to flush a duke.
438
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,343
Lindsey's cucking me.
Yeah, no kidding.
439
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:17,477
No, seriously.
440
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:20,547
That guy I mentioned
earlier, Raul,
441
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,082
he's her bull.
442
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:25,552
What? Whoa.
443
00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:27,554
What? So he porks her
and you have to watch?
444
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,223
(groaning)
What?
445
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,559
Damn, that's crazy!
446
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:35,495
Jesus, why doesn't anything
cool ever happen to me?
447
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:39,299
I was trying to be
a good husband.
448
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:40,900
This is going
to sound bonkers,
449
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,669
but why are we
even going home?
450
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,537
We should drive
straight to Mexico.
451
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:46,806
There's a thought.
No, I'm serious.
452
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,475
We could just disappear,
start a new life.
453
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,976
Things are cheaper down there,
454
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,911
and I can find out
what the seventh layer is.
455
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:54,581
Seriously! We're both
clearly miserable.
456
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:55,848
What's stopping us?
457
00:16:55,882 --> 00:16:57,617
The impending children.
458
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,885
No, that's bullshit.
459
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,153
If a dad is miserable,
460
00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,554
he's no good for his kid.
461
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,357
Look at Jimmy.
He hated his dad so much,
462
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,326
he's actually happier
now that he's dead.
463
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:10,130
Jimmy's dad did seem to be
quite a miserable person.
464
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,465
Picture it--
Casa Vernon y Paul.
465
00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,001
Just the two of us
eating shellfish
466
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,570
and drinking margaritas
and wizards.
467
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,707
I could take bullets out of
cartel members on the DL.
468
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:22,008
You can be their
accountant or whatever.
469
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:24,811
We only get one shot
at this life, man.
470
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:27,314
She is killing my spirit.
471
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:29,149
This is our only chance.
472
00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:30,517
If we wait, it's going
to be too late.
473
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,618
I'm in.
474
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:32,885
Seriously?
475
00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,321
Seriously.
476
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,223
I can't go back to that house.
477
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:38,791
She doesn't even let me
self-stimulate anymore.
478
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,561
I don't get to jack off,
either, not since Cassia.
479
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:42,895
Let's reclaim it.
480
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,531
Let's jack off
into the fire!
481
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,333
What? No.
482
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,667
We have to.
483
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,736
We're not allowed to masturbate!
484
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:52,672
Come on, we got to take back
domain over ourselves!
485
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:55,208
And into the fire?
That is so manly.
486
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,177
Okay.
487
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,347
But don't look at me.
488
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,050
(chuckles)
489
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:09,556
Hell yeah! I bet no one's
ever done this before.
490
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,690
Hush.
491
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:11,691
What if it explodes?
492
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,393
Shh.
493
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,729
Yeah.
494
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:19,466
Yeah. Yeah...
495
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,534
(moaning)
496
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:23,636
Oh there it is.
497
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:24,904
(both moaning)
498
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,607
(both yelling)
499
00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:35,148
BOTH:
Yeah!
500
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,383
Oh, God.
501
00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,851
Oh...
Holy...
502
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:40,820
We just killed, like,
a million of our babies.
503
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:43,423
(both laughing)
504
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:49,529
(animal growling)
505
00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,966
(screaming)
506
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,003
I've been stuck!
507
00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:59,872
(yelling)
508
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:08,014
(both groaning)
509
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,989
(snoring)
510
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:21,528
Wake up.
511
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,866
(groans)
512
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:29,736
My wound opened up.
513
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,571
I have trouble clotting
514
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:34,507
because of my
oblong platelets.
515
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,909
Uncle Nephew had
the same ailment.
516
00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:39,212
I could close it with
some sap and a hot stick.
517
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,981
We'll get you hella painkillers
when we get to Tijuana.
518
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,683
I can't go with you.
519
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:44,984
What?
520
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,553
But Casa Vernon y Paul!
521
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:48,888
I want to be a father.
522
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,990
Last night, when
I thought I was dying,
523
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,225
all I thought about was
524
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:54,527
how I'd never
meet my child.
525
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,863
Watching how
Jimmy's father squandered
526
00:19:56,896 --> 00:20:01,067
his opportunity and left Jimmy
such a miserable person...
527
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,135
I can't do that to my offspring.
528
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:06,172
Goddamn you, Paul.
529
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:10,510
Regardless of what we do,
we're in a pretty tight bind.
530
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,746
I can't see anything.
531
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,348
(blows on harmonica)
How do we get out of here?
532
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,549
I don't know.
533
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,017
(harmonica playing)
534
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,286
(bird chirping)
535
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,654
(gasps)
Wait.
536
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,022
Keep playing.
537
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,124
(harmonica playing)
538
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:27,660
(bird chirping)
It's the Squat-Billed Bushtit.
539
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:31,464
So?
He'll lead us back to his
nesting ground.
540
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:33,466
We'll follow
the creek this time,
541
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:37,236
and we'll find a campground
or something for sure.
542
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,272
(panting and grunting)
543
00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:47,714
Push me up!
544
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:48,981
But keep playing.
545
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:52,218
(harmonica playing)
546
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:55,388
*
547
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:58,825
Give me your hand.
548
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:01,328
(harmonica playing, bird calls)
549
00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:04,196
Um, Vernon?
550
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:05,865
What happened
back at the campsite....
551
00:21:05,898 --> 00:21:07,099
I don't know what
you're talking about.
552
00:21:08,735 --> 00:21:10,737
(both grunting)
553
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:19,846
Okay.
554
00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:21,581
Thank you so much.
555
00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:23,783
No problem. You really should
sue the gas station guy
556
00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:25,785
for putting diesel in your tank.
557
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:30,657
I would, but I think he was
severely mentally handicapped.
558
00:21:30,690 --> 00:21:32,859
(soft chuckle)
Where y'all headed?
559
00:21:32,892 --> 00:21:34,126
San Diego.
560
00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:37,797
Can I pay you for a ride?
561
00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:40,900
Yeah, sure.
562
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:42,168
All right,
get in there.
563
00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:43,803
I know I mess around a lot,
564
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:46,005
and I like to have fun,
and Becca thinks I'm a baby,
565
00:21:46,038 --> 00:21:49,342
but I'm really a good person
with a good heart.
566
00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:52,011
I know you are.
And I believe there is
someone out there
567
00:21:52,044 --> 00:21:53,413
who will love me.
568
00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:55,715
Hopefully a Mexican hottie
with big naturals.
569
00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:57,817
(chuckles)
570
00:21:57,850 --> 00:21:59,318
I'll miss you.
571
00:21:59,352 --> 00:22:00,887
Yeah?
572
00:22:02,889 --> 00:22:04,156
Me, too.
573
00:22:11,030 --> 00:22:12,932
Where the hell is the bassinet?
574
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:15,868
It's not here.
575
00:22:15,902 --> 00:22:17,837
Goddamn it!
576
00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:20,573
That was my baby's bassinet.
577
00:22:20,607 --> 00:22:22,642
Someone stole my baby's crib.
She could've been in there.
578
00:22:22,675 --> 00:22:27,013
I will murder whoever did this!
579
00:22:28,948 --> 00:22:31,718
(sputters)
580
00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:34,086
I can't let a blind fool
like you drive home.
581
00:22:35,588 --> 00:22:37,890
Oh, yeah.
582
00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:40,192
That might be dangerous.
583
00:22:40,226 --> 00:22:41,794
Thanks, anyway.
584
00:22:41,828 --> 00:22:45,164
All right, get in.
585
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,033
(car door closes)
I'm glad you're staying.
586
00:22:47,066 --> 00:22:49,969
Oh, I just realized I can't
leave everything hanging yet.
587
00:22:50,002 --> 00:22:52,972
(car engine starts)
Plus I need cash and passports,
588
00:22:53,005 --> 00:22:54,240
and I should grab some
medical-grade condoms
589
00:22:54,273 --> 00:22:55,875
from the hospital.
590
00:22:55,908 --> 00:22:58,978
They got some viruses down there
that will eat up your junk
591
00:22:59,011 --> 00:23:02,148
like a pig tearing
into a corn cob.
Ugh.
592
00:23:02,181 --> 00:23:03,850
Don't worry, I will
give you a signal
593
00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,719
before I leave
in case you change your mind.
594
00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:08,020
Okay.
595
00:23:10,089 --> 00:23:13,860
By the way, traditionally the
seventh layer can be anything.
596
00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,361
It can be ground beef,
597
00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:17,830
shredded lettuce, green onion,
598
00:23:17,864 --> 00:23:19,065
jalapeƱos.
599
00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:20,667
It's up to whoever makes it.
600
00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:23,069
Whatever makes them happy.
601
00:23:23,102 --> 00:23:24,671
You knew this all along
and you didn't tell me?
602
00:23:24,704 --> 00:23:26,372
(chuckles)
You dick.
603
00:23:29,776 --> 00:23:31,410
Mind if we stop
at the baby store?
604
00:23:31,444 --> 00:23:33,680
I got to get my baby a place
to sleep before I bail.
605
00:23:33,713 --> 00:23:35,381
Sure.
And we got to stop
606
00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:36,816
at the toilet paper store,
I haven't forgotten
607
00:23:36,849 --> 00:23:39,118
you didn't wipe
your ass, you cuck.
608
00:23:39,151 --> 00:23:39,986
(chuckles)
Hmm.
609
00:23:40,019 --> 00:23:42,288
(car door closes)
610
00:23:42,321 --> 00:23:43,890
(car engine starts)
611
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:47,359
* One more job ought to get it
612
00:23:47,393 --> 00:23:50,162
(both singing along):
* One last shot 'for I quit it
613
00:23:50,196 --> 00:23:51,397
* One more for
614
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:57,003
* The road
615
00:23:59,205 --> 00:24:00,507
* Lido will be runnin'
616
00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:02,074
* Havin' great big funnin'
617
00:24:02,108 --> 00:24:05,545
* Till he got the note
618
00:24:05,578 --> 00:24:08,648
* Sayin' tow the line
or blow it *
619
00:24:08,681 --> 00:24:12,552
* And that was all she wrote
620
00:24:12,585 --> 00:24:14,654
* He'll be makin'
like a bee line *
621
00:24:14,687 --> 00:24:16,455
* Headin' for the border line
622
00:24:16,489 --> 00:24:19,492
* Goin' for broke
623
00:24:19,526 --> 00:24:23,395
* Sayin' one more hit
ought to do it... *
624
00:24:23,429 --> 00:24:26,365
(dog barks)
625
00:24:26,398 --> 00:24:28,935
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
41218
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