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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,931 --> 00:00:16,264 Oscar! 2 00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:17,599 Oscar! 3 00:00:17,668 --> 00:00:19,951 Oscar! 4 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,370 Hiya, buddy. Having breakfast? 5 00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,039 Oscar! 6 00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:25,340 Tastes good? 7 00:00:25,408 --> 00:00:26,653 Oscar! 8 00:00:26,677 --> 00:00:29,177 What, your sinuses acting up again? 9 00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:30,512 What? What's the matter? 10 00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:39,637 What happened? 11 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:40,906 Looks like we've been robbed! 12 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,457 Yes! 13 00:00:42,526 --> 00:00:46,178 My color TV is gone! Yes! 14 00:00:46,246 --> 00:00:47,941 My typewriter! Yes. 15 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,631 Did you see them? Mm-mm! 16 00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,743 Oh, you did see them! 17 00:00:50,767 --> 00:00:52,211 They took my tape recorder! 18 00:00:52,235 --> 00:00:53,167 All my notes! 19 00:00:53,236 --> 00:00:55,069 Oscar? What? 20 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,505 Get over here! 21 00:00:56,573 --> 00:00:57,617 What is it? 22 00:00:57,641 --> 00:00:59,040 Untie me! 23 00:00:59,109 --> 00:01:00,620 Oh, untie you. I'm sorry! 24 00:01:02,246 --> 00:01:04,157 What happened to you?! 25 00:01:04,181 --> 00:01:05,580 Oh, nothing. 26 00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,756 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself 27 00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:16,591 from his place of residence. 28 00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,761 That request came from his wife. 29 00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:22,096 Deep down, he knew she was right, 30 00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:25,500 but he also knew that someday he would return to her. 31 00:01:25,569 --> 00:01:27,235 With nowhere else to go, 32 00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:30,205 he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison. 33 00:01:30,274 --> 00:01:31,373 Several years earlier, 34 00:01:31,441 --> 00:01:33,441 Madison's wife had thrown him out, 35 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,661 requesting that he never return. 36 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,179 Can two divorced men share an apartment 37 00:01:38,248 --> 00:01:41,083 without driving each other crazy? 38 00:01:41,151 --> 00:01:42,483 ♪ ♪ 39 00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,882 The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience. 40 00:02:33,170 --> 00:02:36,638 They even took my Washington Centennial cookbook. 41 00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:39,607 My luck, gourmet robbers. 42 00:02:39,676 --> 00:02:42,944 Let me make sure I got the description 43 00:02:43,013 --> 00:02:44,445 you gave me, Felix. 44 00:02:44,514 --> 00:02:46,314 "Two male Caucasians, 45 00:02:46,382 --> 00:02:52,020 "both about six feet, one had mud on his shoes... 46 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:53,949 and a tomato stain on his shirt." 47 00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:56,808 The other one needed a haircut. 48 00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:57,809 A haircut. 49 00:02:57,878 --> 00:03:00,712 Oh, Murray, it was so frightening 50 00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:02,047 to walk into your apartment 51 00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:04,049 and see two criminals ransacking the place. 52 00:03:04,118 --> 00:03:05,684 I said to them, 53 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:10,438 "This is the most outrageous example of anti-social behavior 54 00:03:10,507 --> 00:03:12,440 I have ever seen! 55 00:03:12,509 --> 00:03:13,892 You really said that, Felix? 56 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:14,893 Oh, absolutely. 57 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:15,877 You bet I did. 58 00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:18,246 That's when they taped my mouth. 59 00:03:18,315 --> 00:03:20,081 They didn't touch my room. 60 00:03:24,754 --> 00:03:26,288 They took one look and figured someone 61 00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:27,596 had probably beaten them to it. 62 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:31,927 This thing's sure put you in a bad mood. 63 00:03:31,996 --> 00:03:34,612 Forgive me if I seem to be a killjoy, 64 00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,582 but being bound and gagged for nine hours 65 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,951 tends to rob one of his spirit and fun. 66 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,353 Why didn't you wake up? 67 00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:43,299 Didn't you hear me honking there all night long? 68 00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:45,406 You honk every night. 69 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,435 You make every night New Year's Eve. 70 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,277 I must say you've got 71 00:03:49,346 --> 00:03:50,623 a very casual attitude towards this. 72 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,375 Thank you. It isn't easy with you around. 73 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,065 Did you ever? 74 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,066 You know, there was an assault 75 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:56,050 in this building last month. 76 00:03:56,119 --> 00:03:57,981 Mr. Sweetzer was attacked. 77 00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,354 That doesn't count. 78 00:03:59,423 --> 00:04:01,983 He was attacked by Mrs. Sweetzer. 79 00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:03,591 You want to know something? 80 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:04,693 I'm glad we were robbed 81 00:04:04,761 --> 00:04:06,172 It cuts down our chances on being robbed again 82 00:04:06,196 --> 00:04:07,128 Right, Murray? 83 00:04:07,197 --> 00:04:09,013 It's not true, Oscar. 84 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,349 Lots of places get robbed twice. 85 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,179 You just don't understand the criminal mind. 86 00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:14,920 Yes, I do. I was married to it. 87 00:04:14,989 --> 00:04:17,672 Don't you care about crime 88 00:04:17,741 --> 00:04:18,818 in your own neighborhood? 89 00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,042 I care about my color TV and my typewriter. 90 00:04:21,111 --> 00:04:22,555 You may not care if you're killed, 91 00:04:22,579 --> 00:04:25,139 but don't you care at least if I'm killed? 92 00:04:27,116 --> 00:04:29,701 I go back and forth. 93 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,588 Boys, please, let's keep personalities out of this. 94 00:04:33,656 --> 00:04:35,924 Now, do you have a list of all the stolen goods? 95 00:04:35,992 --> 00:04:37,391 Yes, yes. Where is it? 96 00:04:37,460 --> 00:04:38,537 The list, the list... Here. 97 00:04:38,561 --> 00:04:41,596 Now, everything that was stolen that I know of. 98 00:04:41,664 --> 00:04:43,109 Here are the warranties, serial numbers, 99 00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:44,632 date of purchase where known, 100 00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:45,845 slight descriptions of things. 101 00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:49,404 Gee, I have never had so many clues. 102 00:04:49,472 --> 00:04:50,600 It helps with the insurance. 103 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,840 I don't have any insurance. 104 00:04:52,909 --> 00:04:54,820 You don't have insurance, Oscar? 105 00:04:54,844 --> 00:04:56,889 Well, Roy told me to cut down on my expenses, 106 00:04:56,913 --> 00:04:58,546 so I cancelled the policy. 107 00:04:58,615 --> 00:05:02,167 A man who spends $60 a month on potato chips 108 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:03,818 cuts down on his insurance? 109 00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:06,221 You're impossible! 110 00:05:06,290 --> 00:05:07,901 Hey, look, they even stole my cigars. 111 00:05:07,925 --> 00:05:10,358 That's one thing to be grateful for. 112 00:05:11,428 --> 00:05:13,072 Come on, Felix, Felix, Felix! 113 00:05:13,096 --> 00:05:14,996 Relax, will you! 114 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,259 You, you've just got the "big city jitters". 115 00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:19,685 What with the killing, the shooting, 116 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:20,780 the stabbings, the spitting... 117 00:05:20,804 --> 00:05:22,354 Spitting? 118 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:24,055 Lot of jitters. 119 00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:25,640 I'm not the only one, huh? 120 00:05:25,708 --> 00:05:26,775 Gosh, no. 121 00:05:26,844 --> 00:05:28,654 You know, a lot of people are moving out 122 00:05:28,678 --> 00:05:29,689 of these old buildings 123 00:05:29,713 --> 00:05:32,214 into these new maximum-security places. 124 00:05:32,282 --> 00:05:34,194 I guess they've lost their faith in the police. 125 00:05:34,218 --> 00:05:36,084 Are these places reliable? 126 00:05:36,153 --> 00:05:37,085 They must be. 127 00:05:37,154 --> 00:05:39,587 My Captain lives in one. 128 00:05:39,656 --> 00:05:40,588 Oscar, you hear this? 129 00:05:40,657 --> 00:05:42,007 Oh, you're just chicken. 130 00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:44,609 We had a saying in my neighborhood when I was a kid. 131 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,278 "If you can't stand the heat, get out of Hell's Kitchen." 132 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,614 I can just see you guys standing around 133 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:53,017 chuckling over that one in your black leather jackets. 134 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:55,653 Well, fellas, I got to get downtown 135 00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:56,921 and get cracking on this. 136 00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:59,591 I got a few ideas already. 137 00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:01,542 Murray? Yeah? 138 00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,011 You forgot your notebook. 139 00:06:05,315 --> 00:06:06,426 Thanks, Felix. 140 00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:07,494 Murray? Yeah? 141 00:06:07,518 --> 00:06:08,928 You're going to be the only cop 142 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,232 who retires a rookie. 143 00:06:11,821 --> 00:06:14,055 Everybody picks on the men in blue! 144 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,126 What are you doing? 145 00:06:18,195 --> 00:06:19,961 What does it look as though I'm doing? 146 00:06:20,030 --> 00:06:21,963 I'm cleaning up this mess. 147 00:06:22,032 --> 00:06:23,831 Why don't you help me? 148 00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:25,400 I kind of like it this way. 149 00:06:25,469 --> 00:06:26,401 I'm going to work. 150 00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:27,702 How could you go to work 151 00:06:27,771 --> 00:06:29,471 in the midst of a crisis like this? 152 00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:31,917 Because I'm too poor now to take a vacation. 153 00:06:31,941 --> 00:06:32,874 It's people like you 154 00:06:32,942 --> 00:06:34,742 who are turning this city into a jungle. 155 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:35,743 You're an ostrich! 156 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,312 You bury your head in the sand. 157 00:06:37,381 --> 00:06:38,381 You refuse to... 158 00:06:43,353 --> 00:06:44,353 Very funny! 159 00:06:54,598 --> 00:06:55,630 Oscar. 160 00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,868 Oscar, wake up. 161 00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:05,440 Wake up, Oscar, 162 00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:06,741 I've got to talk to you. 163 00:07:06,810 --> 00:07:08,176 Oscar, wake up! 164 00:07:08,245 --> 00:07:09,511 What is it? 165 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,954 What is it? Was it a raid, what? 166 00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,924 I'm not mad at you. 167 00:07:22,992 --> 00:07:24,158 What time is it? 168 00:07:24,228 --> 00:07:26,127 3:30. 169 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:29,030 3:00... You're not mad at me?! 170 00:07:29,099 --> 00:07:31,600 I'm mad at you! 171 00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:33,012 Come on, Oscar, wake up. 172 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,180 Wake up! 173 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,764 I've got to talk to you. Come on! 174 00:07:39,142 --> 00:07:42,611 Somehow, I like this room better in the dark. 175 00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,713 So do I, especially when I'm trying to sleep. 176 00:07:44,781 --> 00:07:45,991 Come on! Wake up! Wake up! 177 00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:47,315 I've got to talk to you. Wake up! 178 00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,664 I've made an important decision. 179 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,051 You're going to put on a cape, 180 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,115 travel the world by night, poking people awake? 181 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:55,640 Friends are supposed to protect each other. 182 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,242 I've decided we're moving out of this dangerous neighborhood. 183 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,456 You're really concerned with my welfare, aren't you? 184 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,546 Yes. 185 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:04,182 Then why do I hate you? 186 00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,067 Because you know I'm right. 187 00:08:06,136 --> 00:08:09,331 Felix, at 3:30 in the morning, nobody's right. 188 00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:12,035 I appreciate your concern, but I'm not moving. 189 00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:13,158 I'm going to go look 190 00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:16,478 at one of those maximum- security buildings that... 191 00:08:16,546 --> 00:08:18,546 You're not going to listen to me, huh? 192 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,966 All right. 193 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,403 I'll move in with Gloria till then, 194 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:26,649 if she'll let me. 195 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,518 Ah, she'll let me for a couple of days. 196 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,687 Aw, come on. Aren't you going to change your mind? 197 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:31,754 Move with me! 198 00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:32,977 Good night, Felix. 199 00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:43,855 You know, I'm glad it happened in this room. 200 00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:46,483 It makes leaving that much easier. 201 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,538 It's all so funny, isn't it? 202 00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:07,111 Is it gonna be a long funny or a short funny? 203 00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,448 Here we are separating quietly 204 00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:12,762 over a simple difference of opinion. 205 00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:15,353 It's gonna be a long funny. 206 00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,656 After all the yelling and fighting we've had, 207 00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,426 the final parting of the ways is over 208 00:09:21,495 --> 00:09:23,156 a simple philosophical argument. 209 00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:25,412 Fascinating all right, isn't it? 210 00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:28,516 No yelling, no fighting. 211 00:09:28,584 --> 00:09:31,785 As the poet, T.S. Elliot said, 212 00:09:31,854 --> 00:09:33,433 "Not with a bang, but a whimper." 213 00:09:33,457 --> 00:09:36,557 "This is the way the world ends, 214 00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:37,937 "this is the way the world ends, 215 00:09:37,961 --> 00:09:40,406 "this is the way the world ends, 216 00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:43,064 not with a bang, but a whimper." 217 00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:46,934 In an earlier century, Thomas Gray observed: 218 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,302 "The paths of glory... 219 00:09:48,371 --> 00:09:50,750 Get out, Felix! Get out, Felix! The paths of glory..." 220 00:09:50,774 --> 00:09:53,074 Get out of the building! 221 00:09:53,143 --> 00:09:54,341 Get out of the state! 222 00:09:54,410 --> 00:09:55,509 Join the Seabees! 223 00:09:55,578 --> 00:09:57,045 Join T.S. Eliot! 224 00:09:57,113 --> 00:09:58,157 He's dead! 225 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,747 No wonder he's dead! 226 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,324 I keep forgetting Felix isn't here anymore. 227 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,617 Hello. 228 00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,885 Hiya, honey. Fine. 229 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,386 Yeah, I borrowed a portable TV. 230 00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,723 Yeah, I'm going to do some work on my column. 231 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,391 But best of all, I'm going to make my favorite meal, honey. 232 00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,227 Yeah, here it is. 233 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,763 Mama Mia DeLuxe frozen dinner 234 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:35,133 and Kim Foy's Mandarin Surprise Dinner. 235 00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,121 Well, you mix them both together. 236 00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,404 Are you kidding, honey?! 237 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,673 You haven't lived till you've tasted chop suey 238 00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:45,109 with marinara sauce. 239 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:46,744 Yeah, it's great! 240 00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,713 What do you mean, am I afraid? 241 00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:50,693 Will you cut it out? You sound like Felix. 242 00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:53,134 But you don't smell like him and you don't look like him. 243 00:10:53,202 --> 00:10:56,237 Yeah, that's why I can't wait till I see you tomorrow night. 244 00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:57,850 All right, honey. Bye-bye. 245 00:10:57,874 --> 00:11:00,474 "Afraid"? What do they mean, "afraid"? 246 00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:26,117 I lost my falcon. 247 00:11:37,847 --> 00:11:38,879 Hello. 248 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,232 Oscar, you're still living there? 249 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,484 Felix, you've only been gone for 12 hours. 250 00:11:43,553 --> 00:11:44,646 How are things at Gloria's? 251 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:45,837 We had a big argument. 252 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,389 She puts cocktail napkins on the dinner table. 253 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,971 The kids are going to think they grew up in a bar. 254 00:11:51,995 --> 00:11:53,477 Poor Gloria. 255 00:11:56,333 --> 00:11:57,415 What are you doing? 256 00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:59,099 I'm fixing my dinner. 257 00:11:59,168 --> 00:12:01,502 You're not mixing Chinese and Italian? 258 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,273 No, Felix, no, no. 259 00:12:06,342 --> 00:12:08,793 I found the perfect place to live. 260 00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:09,862 It's really nice. 261 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,496 It's over on 59th Street. 262 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,758 It's called the Security Arms. 263 00:12:12,782 --> 00:12:14,916 Security Arms? Yeah. 264 00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,417 Yeah, it's totally safe. 265 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:17,830 I thought, I thought I'd go over tomorrow 266 00:12:17,854 --> 00:12:18,931 and take a look at it. 267 00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,338 Well, have your Security. 268 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,739 Yeah. Well, I was wondering 269 00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:22,952 maybe you'd like to come along, 270 00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,392 look the place over with me. 271 00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:26,822 Why should I look at a place I'm never going to move into? 272 00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:28,774 You're determined to stay in that death trap? 273 00:12:28,798 --> 00:12:32,399 Boy, I'm telling you, I wish people would stop bugging me. 274 00:12:32,468 --> 00:12:33,684 It's giving me the creeps! 275 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,164 You see? You're nervous there. 276 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,604 Good-bye, Felix. 277 00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:37,955 'Fraidy cat... 278 00:13:00,797 --> 00:13:02,613 Felix, what time are you going 279 00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,293 to go look at that building tomorrow? 280 00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,179 You know, you were very rude to the doorman. 281 00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,381 I don't like to be frisked when I enter a building. 282 00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,938 He didn't frisk you. 283 00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,418 He just asked for your identification. 284 00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,686 That's a very normal precaution. 285 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:31,787 I like it. Yeah? 286 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,921 Well, I'm sorry, Felix, 287 00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:34,357 I get the feeling I'm being watched. 288 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,846 Oh, you're overreacting. 289 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,627 I'll be with you in a second, fellas. 290 00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:38,750 Sit down. 291 00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,263 Now you see? 292 00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:42,765 Big Brother is watching us. 293 00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:43,789 That's a loud speaker. 294 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,857 You've heard them at ball games. 295 00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:47,605 Good afternoon, fellas. 296 00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,362 Sit! Down! 297 00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:53,031 G. Martin Duke's the name. 298 00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:54,265 Safety's my game. 299 00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:55,344 Oscar Madison. 300 00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,184 Felix Unger. This must be one 301 00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,064 of the watchdogs I read about in the brochure, huh? 302 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,572 Oh no, he's too small for that. 303 00:14:00,624 --> 00:14:02,106 Too small? Yes. 304 00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,654 Uh, Peaches is my own personal pet. 305 00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:05,810 Uh-huh. 306 00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,912 If he's a pet, why do you have a muzzle on him? 307 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:10,026 Well, I've learned never to be too sure of anything. 308 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:13,668 If man can turn on man, why not man's best friend? 309 00:14:14,971 --> 00:14:16,871 May we see one of the apartments? 310 00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:17,940 Certainly. 311 00:14:17,974 --> 00:14:19,073 Stay. 312 00:14:19,141 --> 00:14:20,240 Sit. 313 00:14:28,218 --> 00:14:30,050 Mr. Duke? Mr. Duke? 314 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,486 Mel here. 315 00:14:31,554 --> 00:14:33,265 There's a water deliveryman at the door, 316 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,939 but he's not the regular guy. 317 00:14:34,991 --> 00:14:36,936 Did you check his identification, Mel? 318 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,059 It checks out. 319 00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:39,477 He says he's the relief man. 320 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,906 Well, ask the gentleman to step in front of the scanner. 321 00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,316 This is our finest feature. 322 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,318 Cameras scan the whole building, 323 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,897 and it comes through on the screen. 324 00:14:48,921 --> 00:14:50,733 We like to think it makes every tenant 325 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,000 a watchman. Oh, goodie. 326 00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:53,703 I always wanted to be a watchman. 327 00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,687 He looks familiar. Pass him through. 328 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:56,828 Right. 329 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,708 But take a drink of water first, just in case. 330 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:01,766 Wait a minute, what kind of question is this? 331 00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,478 "Describe your temperament." Right there. 332 00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:04,568 Just another precaution. 333 00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,281 Oh, really? Well, to tell you the truth, 334 00:15:06,305 --> 00:15:08,751 I don't think it's any of your business. 335 00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,940 Well, that's all right. 336 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,042 I think I have enough information. 337 00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:13,822 Now, if you'll excuse me for a second, 338 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:16,281 and then we'll go up and look at an apartment. 339 00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:19,651 "Madison given to temper outbursts." 340 00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,720 Gentlemen. 341 00:15:25,891 --> 00:15:27,658 Ah, yes. 342 00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:30,761 Oh... this is lovely. 343 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,629 Yeah, early sterile. 344 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:37,434 Look at this beautiful painting, a black doughnut. 345 00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:39,898 It's a little cold at first, 346 00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:41,766 but after we add the personal touch. 347 00:15:41,790 --> 00:15:44,658 Yeah, we'll bring in a goldfish for warmth. 348 00:15:44,727 --> 00:15:46,405 Well, we'll bring our things in here, 349 00:15:46,429 --> 00:15:48,073 move some of this furniture a little bit. 350 00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:50,731 Oh, uh, the furniture's not moveable, Mr. Unger. 351 00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:52,733 It's bolted down. 352 00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:54,279 What if you had a rocking chair? 353 00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:56,404 Chains. Chains. 354 00:15:56,472 --> 00:15:58,372 It makes it impossible to steal. 355 00:15:58,441 --> 00:15:59,918 It's for your own good. Very good. 356 00:15:59,942 --> 00:16:01,320 Very good. What kind of glass is this? 357 00:16:01,344 --> 00:16:02,276 The finest. 358 00:16:02,345 --> 00:16:04,445 You can see out, but nobody can spy in. 359 00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:05,790 We're 20 floors up. 360 00:16:05,814 --> 00:16:07,944 Who's gonna spy in, a peeping pigeon? 361 00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,684 Mr. Madison, it's for your own good. 362 00:16:10,754 --> 00:16:13,855 Mr. Duke, when I look back at the best times of my life, 363 00:16:13,923 --> 00:16:15,284 none of them was for my own good. 364 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,074 If you don't like it here, 365 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,526 we do have a long waiting list. 366 00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:19,838 Excuse me, excuse me, 367 00:16:19,862 --> 00:16:22,422 Mr. Madison, may I talk to you a minute? 368 00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:26,946 What are you trying to do? 369 00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:28,113 Trying to ruin everything? 370 00:16:28,137 --> 00:16:29,347 You said you wanted to move. 371 00:16:29,371 --> 00:16:31,772 Yeah, but not into solitary confinement. 372 00:16:31,841 --> 00:16:33,340 Felix, the place gives me the creeps. 373 00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,653 Oh, and waking up in the morning 374 00:16:34,677 --> 00:16:35,610 and finding your roommate 375 00:16:35,678 --> 00:16:36,956 bound and gagged and tortured, 376 00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:38,758 that fills you with confidence? 377 00:16:38,782 --> 00:16:40,226 When are you going to forget about that? 378 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,994 When the rope burns go away. 379 00:16:42,018 --> 00:16:43,629 I asked you to move like a gentleman, 380 00:16:43,653 --> 00:16:45,648 and you told me to go live with a dead poet. 381 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,271 Then I called you up 382 00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:48,601 and gave you another opportunity, 383 00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:50,402 at which time you hung up in my face 384 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,237 with a mouth full of soy sauce. 385 00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,807 Then you called me, a man with terror in his voice 386 00:16:54,831 --> 00:16:57,193 and you said, "Felix, please let me go in with you." 387 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,983 And I opened up my heart to you, 388 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,164 and you've plunged in the dagger of ingratitude. 389 00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,588 Okay, okay, lay off, MacBeth. 390 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,635 I'll do it. Anything you want, I'll do it. 391 00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:07,659 Just stop it. 392 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,160 I'll sign the lease. 393 00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:10,961 Fingerprint me. 394 00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,045 Oscar, this kitchen is a dream. 395 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:17,668 Well, the bedroom's a nightmare. 396 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,771 Only because you added your personal touch... filth. 397 00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:25,076 My stuff is the only thing I like in there. 398 00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:27,945 Do you know there's a lamp beside my bed I can't turn off? 399 00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:29,914 It's a night light. 400 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,549 Yeah, well, I can't turn it off. 401 00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:33,851 It's shining right on the bed. 402 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,920 I don't like to get a tan when I'm sleeping. 403 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,810 What are you doing? 404 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:46,346 I wonder if Duke's on the other side of this mirror looking in. 405 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,166 So ridiculous. 406 00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,969 Why do you have to go out the first night in a new place? 407 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,270 I got a date with Nancy. 408 00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:54,349 Well, bring her here. 409 00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,135 Gloria's coming over at 8:00. 410 00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:58,054 I'm making a lovely dinner 411 00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,343 to patch up the fight we had. 412 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,424 She's still mad about the napkins, huh? Yeah. 413 00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:02,728 Calls me a dictator. 414 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,282 Leave that alone! 415 00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:05,800 The woman knows you, Felix. 416 00:18:05,869 --> 00:18:09,337 Would a dictator prepare all her favorite dishes? 417 00:18:09,405 --> 00:18:11,188 Veal piccata, zucchini, 418 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,902 zabaglione. They're your favorites. 419 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,710 And in time, they'll be her favorites. 420 00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,662 I'm taking Nancy to the movies. 421 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:18,974 Why don't you stay here? 422 00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,076 It's so nice 423 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,827 and safe. It's for your own good. 424 00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,429 Felix, stop it. I'm tired of hearing about safe. 425 00:18:23,453 --> 00:18:24,585 After I go to the movies, 426 00:18:24,654 --> 00:18:26,131 I'm going to get a fistful of dollar bills. 427 00:18:26,155 --> 00:18:27,199 I'm gonna stick them in all my pockets. 428 00:18:27,223 --> 00:18:28,522 I'm going to go to Central Park 429 00:18:28,591 --> 00:18:30,069 and I'm gonna say "Mug me, mug me!" 430 00:18:30,093 --> 00:18:31,303 Go. Go. 431 00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:32,793 I'm going. Don't worry, I'm going. 432 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,382 Look at this. 433 00:18:34,430 --> 00:18:36,396 They're off and I haven't placed a bet yet. 434 00:18:38,134 --> 00:18:39,414 Must be a fire drill. 435 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,585 Mr. Unger, Mr. Unger. 436 00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:44,355 Yes. Yes. 437 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,023 G. Martin Duke speaking. 438 00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:48,258 You have an unregistered guest out here. 439 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,894 Female, Caucasian, blonde hair, 440 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,580 five-foot-four, small scar on right hand, 441 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,567 38-26-34. 442 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:57,901 Gloria. 443 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,982 Mr. Duke, that's my wife you've got down there. 444 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,772 I'll put on my scanner. 445 00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:04,959 Uh, move in front of the camera for positive identification. 446 00:19:06,796 --> 00:19:09,096 Oh, look at Gloria. 447 00:19:09,165 --> 00:19:10,281 Doesn't she look nice? 448 00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,082 Yeah, I recognized her 449 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,385 by the scar on her Caucasian right hand. 450 00:19:14,437 --> 00:19:16,982 Felix, why are you doing this to me? 451 00:19:17,006 --> 00:19:18,517 Why do you invite me to dinner 452 00:19:18,541 --> 00:19:19,969 and then have me arrested? 453 00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,225 Arrested? 454 00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:23,461 Mr. Duke, what's going on down there? 455 00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:25,512 Sorry about this, Mr. Unger. 456 00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,414 Standard operating procedure. 457 00:19:27,483 --> 00:19:29,929 Felix, what kind of a building did you move into? 458 00:19:29,953 --> 00:19:30,996 You'll love it... 459 00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:32,820 You'll love it, Gloria. 460 00:19:32,888 --> 00:19:34,767 I've made a beautiful dinner. 461 00:19:34,791 --> 00:19:36,056 Look. 462 00:19:36,125 --> 00:19:38,358 Am I going to have to eat it handcuffed? 463 00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,005 Sorry about this, Mr. Unger. 464 00:19:40,029 --> 00:19:42,029 But why didn't you register your wife? 465 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,831 It's in our tenant's manual. 466 00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:46,733 "Management must be informed of the arrival of all guests. 467 00:19:46,803 --> 00:19:48,513 "If it's to be an overnight guest, 468 00:19:48,537 --> 00:19:51,138 management must be notified by 10:00 p.m." 469 00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:53,290 What kind of a stupid rule is that? 470 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,359 A lot of times I don't know by 10:00 471 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,173 if my guest is going to stay overnight. 472 00:19:57,197 --> 00:20:00,831 Gloria can hear every word you're saying. 473 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:05,536 I'm sorry, Mr. Duke, I've only reached page 51 in the manual. 474 00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,349 Could you send my wife up now, please? 475 00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:08,805 I'm sorry, Mr. Unger, 476 00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,019 but I can't release her until Mel gets back. 477 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,054 Who's Mel? 478 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,088 Our security guard. 479 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:14,323 No guest is permitted 480 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,124 to wander around the building unaccompanied. 481 00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:17,526 That's in the manual, too. 482 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,228 It sounds like the guy who wrote your manual 483 00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,312 also wrote Mein Kampf. 484 00:20:20,336 --> 00:20:21,613 I'd bring her up myself, 485 00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:22,815 but I can't leave the office 486 00:20:22,839 --> 00:20:24,533 and there's no one else around here I trust. 487 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,151 Why don't you send her up with Peaches? 488 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,326 I'm getting a migraine, 489 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,395 and it's a bad one. 490 00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:31,662 Even my eyebrows hurt. 491 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,197 I'm coming down to get you, Gloria. 492 00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,777 I'm sorry, but the manual states... 493 00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,102 You can take your manual... 494 00:20:39,855 --> 00:20:41,166 Door's locked. I can't get out. 495 00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:43,190 From the inside the door is locked? 496 00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:44,941 That's our interior lock. 497 00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:46,955 Once the door is bolted from the inside, 498 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,141 you need the interior key to unlock the door again. 499 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,409 Oscar, after I let you in tonight, I bolted the door. 500 00:20:51,433 --> 00:20:53,045 I gave you the keys. Where are they? 501 00:20:53,069 --> 00:20:54,613 What keys? I don't re... I gave you the new keys. 502 00:20:54,637 --> 00:20:56,015 They were wrapped in tissue paper. Where are they? 503 00:20:56,039 --> 00:20:59,340 They were in the tissue paper? Yes. 504 00:20:59,409 --> 00:21:00,689 They're in the East River. 505 00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:05,596 I flushed them down the toilet 506 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,327 along with a half a tunafish sandwich and a banana peel. 507 00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:09,728 I was cleaning out my pockets. 508 00:21:09,752 --> 00:21:12,453 I don't believe this. I don't believe it. 509 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,421 Mr. Duke, 510 00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,100 you'll just have to leave your post 511 00:21:16,124 --> 00:21:17,569 and bring my wife up here. 512 00:21:17,593 --> 00:21:18,753 Yeah, hurry up. I got a date. 513 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:19,877 Don't you understand? 514 00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,757 The door only unlocks from the inside. 515 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:22,879 It's for your own good. 516 00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:26,528 I hope Gloria brought my blue pills. 517 00:21:26,552 --> 00:21:27,595 What difference does it make? 518 00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:28,899 She can't get in. 519 00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,634 What happened to the lights? 520 00:21:32,658 --> 00:21:35,225 Somebody on the third floor just got it. 521 00:21:40,566 --> 00:21:42,165 Just get us out of here! 522 00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:44,280 The only way now is to break the door down. 523 00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:46,337 Well, get your ax up here and do it! 524 00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:49,857 Felix, I'm scared. 525 00:21:49,926 --> 00:21:51,169 We're coming, Gl... 526 00:21:51,193 --> 00:21:52,426 We're coming... 527 00:21:52,494 --> 00:21:54,161 We're coming, Gloria. 528 00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:55,562 You bet we are. 529 00:21:55,631 --> 00:21:58,165 We're busting out of here in the first laundry truck. 530 00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:00,634 Don't touch that window. 531 00:22:08,210 --> 00:22:09,343 Don't shoot! 532 00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:10,444 Don't shoot! 533 00:22:13,266 --> 00:22:14,876 Felix, do you think this is the time 534 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,300 to be setting the table? 535 00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:19,113 FELIX Gloria's been through a harrowing ordeal. 536 00:22:19,137 --> 00:22:21,697 She'll want something to eat. 537 00:22:22,375 --> 00:22:23,552 There it goes. 538 00:22:23,576 --> 00:22:24,941 Oh, Felix. 539 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,309 Gloria, darling. 540 00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:27,978 Eat, darling, eat. 541 00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:30,614 The food will be getting cold. 542 00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,416 Veal piccata? You'll love it. 543 00:22:32,468 --> 00:22:35,268 That door is coming out of your cleaning deposit. 544 00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:37,533 Your nose may be coming off your face. 545 00:22:37,557 --> 00:22:39,089 I don't like you, Madison. 546 00:22:39,142 --> 00:22:40,422 No kidding, look at this. 547 00:22:40,476 --> 00:22:42,187 Another birthday present I won't be getting. 548 00:22:42,211 --> 00:22:43,756 Better be... 549 00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:45,146 Be careful, Oscar. He can be rough. 550 00:22:45,214 --> 00:22:46,825 What do you mean, he can be rough? 551 00:22:46,849 --> 00:22:47,982 Oh, it was nothing, Felix. 552 00:22:48,050 --> 00:22:49,661 No, wha-wha-what's nothing? Explain nothing. 553 00:22:49,685 --> 00:22:51,485 Well... well, he yanked my arm a little 554 00:22:51,553 --> 00:22:53,353 when I was looking for my ID, you know... 555 00:22:53,422 --> 00:22:54,850 What part of your arm did he yank? 556 00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,552 The lower arm or the upper arm? 557 00:22:56,576 --> 00:22:58,475 Oh, it doesn't make any difference. 558 00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:00,978 It makes a great deal of difference! 559 00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:02,946 The upper arm is much more sensual. 560 00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:07,162 This whole thing is getting out of hand. 561 00:23:07,186 --> 00:23:09,398 I want you and Madison out of here in the morning. 562 00:23:09,422 --> 00:23:11,233 I'm afraid you're just not our kind of people. 563 00:23:11,257 --> 00:23:13,657 You're quite right, Mr. Duke. 564 00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:15,492 We're not your kind of people. 565 00:23:15,561 --> 00:23:19,329 We don't go around yanking other men's ex-wives' upper arms. 566 00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:21,131 Why, I ought to... 567 00:23:24,586 --> 00:23:26,687 Security is a wonderful thing, Mr. Duke, 568 00:23:26,755 --> 00:23:27,888 but not at this price, 569 00:23:27,957 --> 00:23:30,257 not with sneaky-peepy cameras and three-way locks... 570 00:23:30,326 --> 00:23:31,424 and two-way mirrors. 571 00:23:31,494 --> 00:23:33,472 Who-who told you about the mirrors? 572 00:23:33,496 --> 00:23:35,261 This city is tough enough to live in 573 00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:37,547 without people like you exploiting men's fears. 574 00:23:37,617 --> 00:23:40,684 You're a horrible little man with a horrible little mind 575 00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:42,798 who has to yank people's arms to get attention. 576 00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:44,232 And we're moving out of here at once. 577 00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,768 And I'm not even cleaning up. 578 00:23:46,792 --> 00:23:48,291 Oh, isn't that great, Felix?! 579 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:49,600 I couldn't have said it better. 580 00:23:49,662 --> 00:23:50,872 You've been saying it all along, 581 00:23:50,896 --> 00:23:52,808 but I just didn't have enough sense to listen. 582 00:23:52,832 --> 00:23:54,993 You're the kind of people who don't appreciate anything. 583 00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:57,918 I had you spotted as pinkos, troublemakers, 584 00:23:57,987 --> 00:24:00,186 the minute you set foot in my office. 585 00:24:00,255 --> 00:24:02,100 This is the safest, most fully protected... 586 00:24:02,124 --> 00:24:03,124 Mr. Duke! Mr. Duke! 587 00:24:03,158 --> 00:24:04,235 Mel, what happened? 588 00:24:04,259 --> 00:24:05,725 Boss, we've been robbed. 589 00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:08,828 They took the computers, the scanner cameras, everything. 590 00:24:08,898 --> 00:24:10,464 Come on, Mel. 591 00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:12,833 Who could have done such a thing? 592 00:24:12,902 --> 00:24:14,434 I think it was an inside job. 593 00:24:14,503 --> 00:24:16,403 Who? Peaches. 594 00:24:26,532 --> 00:24:28,532 It certainly didn't take you long 595 00:24:28,601 --> 00:24:30,634 to get your room back in shape. 596 00:24:32,071 --> 00:24:34,338 You know, Oscar, you were right. 597 00:24:34,406 --> 00:24:36,474 I've learned a lesson. 598 00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:40,660 Sometimes you can play it too safe. 599 00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:43,363 It doesn't pay, does it? 600 00:24:43,432 --> 00:24:47,367 A man has to take some risks just to be a man. 601 00:24:47,436 --> 00:24:50,204 From now on, I'm finished playing with shadows 602 00:24:50,272 --> 00:24:53,306 and jumping at every sound. 603 00:24:53,375 --> 00:24:55,175 What? Ahh! 39954

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