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1
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Oscar!
2
00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:17,599
Oscar!
3
00:00:17,668 --> 00:00:19,951
Oscar!
4
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,370
Hiya, buddy. Having breakfast?
5
00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,039
Oscar!
6
00:00:24,108 --> 00:00:25,340
Tastes good?
7
00:00:25,408 --> 00:00:26,653
Oscar!
8
00:00:26,677 --> 00:00:29,177
What, your sinuses
acting up again?
9
00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:30,512
What? What's the matter?
10
00:00:37,904 --> 00:00:39,637
What happened?
11
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:40,906
Looks like we've been robbed!
12
00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,457
Yes!
13
00:00:42,526 --> 00:00:46,178
My color TV is gone! Yes!
14
00:00:46,246 --> 00:00:47,941
My typewriter! Yes.
15
00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,631
Did you see them? Mm-mm!
16
00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:50,743
Oh, you did see them!
17
00:00:50,767 --> 00:00:52,211
They took my tape recorder!
18
00:00:52,235 --> 00:00:53,167
All my notes!
19
00:00:53,236 --> 00:00:55,069
Oscar? What?
20
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,505
Get over here!
21
00:00:56,573 --> 00:00:57,617
What is it?
22
00:00:57,641 --> 00:00:59,040
Untie me!
23
00:00:59,109 --> 00:01:00,620
Oh, untie you. I'm sorry!
24
00:01:02,246 --> 00:01:04,157
What happened to you?!
25
00:01:04,181 --> 00:01:05,580
Oh, nothing.
26
00:01:11,755 --> 00:01:14,756
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
27
00:01:14,824 --> 00:01:16,591
from his place of residence.
28
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:19,761
That request came from his wife.
29
00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:22,096
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
30
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:25,500
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
31
00:01:25,569 --> 00:01:27,235
With nowhere else to go,
32
00:01:27,304 --> 00:01:30,205
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
33
00:01:30,274 --> 00:01:31,373
Several years earlier,
34
00:01:31,441 --> 00:01:33,441
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
35
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,661
requesting that he never return.
36
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,179
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
37
00:01:38,248 --> 00:01:41,083
without driving
each other crazy?
38
00:01:41,151 --> 00:01:42,483
♪ ♪
39
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,882
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
40
00:02:33,170 --> 00:02:36,638
They even took my Washington
Centennial cookbook.
41
00:02:36,706 --> 00:02:39,607
My luck, gourmet robbers.
42
00:02:39,676 --> 00:02:42,944
Let me make sure
I got the description
43
00:02:43,013 --> 00:02:44,445
you gave me, Felix.
44
00:02:44,514 --> 00:02:46,314
"Two male Caucasians,
45
00:02:46,382 --> 00:02:52,020
"both about six feet, one
had mud on his shoes...
46
00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:53,949
and a tomato
stain on his shirt."
47
00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:56,808
The other one needed a haircut.
48
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:57,809
A haircut.
49
00:02:57,878 --> 00:03:00,712
Oh, Murray, it
was so frightening
50
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:02,047
to walk into your apartment
51
00:03:02,116 --> 00:03:04,049
and see two criminals
ransacking the place.
52
00:03:04,118 --> 00:03:05,684
I said to them,
53
00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:10,438
"This is the most outrageous
example of anti-social behavior
54
00:03:10,507 --> 00:03:12,440
I have ever seen!
55
00:03:12,509 --> 00:03:13,892
You really said that, Felix?
56
00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:14,893
Oh, absolutely.
57
00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:15,877
You bet I did.
58
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:18,246
That's when they taped my mouth.
59
00:03:18,315 --> 00:03:20,081
They didn't touch my room.
60
00:03:24,754 --> 00:03:26,288
They took one look
and figured someone
61
00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:27,596
had probably beaten them to it.
62
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:31,927
This thing's sure put
you in a bad mood.
63
00:03:31,996 --> 00:03:34,612
Forgive me if I
seem to be a killjoy,
64
00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,582
but being bound and
gagged for nine hours
65
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,951
tends to rob one
of his spirit and fun.
66
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,353
Why didn't you wake up?
67
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:43,299
Didn't you hear me
honking there all night long?
68
00:03:43,323 --> 00:03:45,406
You honk every night.
69
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,435
You make every
night New Year's Eve.
70
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,277
I must say you've got
71
00:03:49,346 --> 00:03:50,623
a very casual
attitude towards this.
72
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,375
Thank you. It isn't
easy with you around.
73
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,065
Did you ever?
74
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,066
You know, there was an assault
75
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:56,050
in this building last month.
76
00:03:56,119 --> 00:03:57,981
Mr. Sweetzer was attacked.
77
00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,354
That doesn't count.
78
00:03:59,423 --> 00:04:01,983
He was attacked
by Mrs. Sweetzer.
79
00:04:02,659 --> 00:04:03,591
You want to know something?
80
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:04,693
I'm glad we were robbed
81
00:04:04,761 --> 00:04:06,172
It cuts down our chances
on being robbed again
82
00:04:06,196 --> 00:04:07,128
Right, Murray?
83
00:04:07,197 --> 00:04:09,013
It's not true, Oscar.
84
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,349
Lots of places get robbed twice.
85
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,179
You just don't understand
the criminal mind.
86
00:04:13,203 --> 00:04:14,920
Yes, I do. I was married to it.
87
00:04:14,989 --> 00:04:17,672
Don't you care about crime
88
00:04:17,741 --> 00:04:18,818
in your own neighborhood?
89
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,042
I care about my color
TV and my typewriter.
90
00:04:21,111 --> 00:04:22,555
You may not
care if you're killed,
91
00:04:22,579 --> 00:04:25,139
but don't you care
at least if I'm killed?
92
00:04:27,116 --> 00:04:29,701
I go back and forth.
93
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,588
Boys, please, let's keep
personalities out of this.
94
00:04:33,656 --> 00:04:35,924
Now, do you have a list
of all the stolen goods?
95
00:04:35,992 --> 00:04:37,391
Yes, yes. Where is it?
96
00:04:37,460 --> 00:04:38,537
The list, the list... Here.
97
00:04:38,561 --> 00:04:41,596
Now, everything that
was stolen that I know of.
98
00:04:41,664 --> 00:04:43,109
Here are the warranties,
serial numbers,
99
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:44,632
date of purchase where known,
100
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:45,845
slight descriptions of things.
101
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:49,404
Gee, I have never
had so many clues.
102
00:04:49,472 --> 00:04:50,600
It helps with the insurance.
103
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,840
I don't have any insurance.
104
00:04:52,909 --> 00:04:54,820
You don't have insurance, Oscar?
105
00:04:54,844 --> 00:04:56,889
Well, Roy told me to cut
down on my expenses,
106
00:04:56,913 --> 00:04:58,546
so I cancelled the policy.
107
00:04:58,615 --> 00:05:02,167
A man who spends $60
a month on potato chips
108
00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:03,818
cuts down on his insurance?
109
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:06,221
You're impossible!
110
00:05:06,290 --> 00:05:07,901
Hey, look, they
even stole my cigars.
111
00:05:07,925 --> 00:05:10,358
That's one thing
to be grateful for.
112
00:05:11,428 --> 00:05:13,072
Come on, Felix, Felix, Felix!
113
00:05:13,096 --> 00:05:14,996
Relax, will you!
114
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,259
You, you've just got
the "big city jitters".
115
00:05:17,283 --> 00:05:19,685
What with the
killing, the shooting,
116
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:20,780
the stabbings, the spitting...
117
00:05:20,804 --> 00:05:22,354
Spitting?
118
00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:24,055
Lot of jitters.
119
00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:25,640
I'm not the only one, huh?
120
00:05:25,708 --> 00:05:26,775
Gosh, no.
121
00:05:26,844 --> 00:05:28,654
You know, a lot of
people are moving out
122
00:05:28,678 --> 00:05:29,689
of these old buildings
123
00:05:29,713 --> 00:05:32,214
into these new
maximum-security places.
124
00:05:32,282 --> 00:05:34,194
I guess they've lost
their faith in the police.
125
00:05:34,218 --> 00:05:36,084
Are these places reliable?
126
00:05:36,153 --> 00:05:37,085
They must be.
127
00:05:37,154 --> 00:05:39,587
My Captain lives in one.
128
00:05:39,656 --> 00:05:40,588
Oscar, you hear this?
129
00:05:40,657 --> 00:05:42,007
Oh, you're just chicken.
130
00:05:42,076 --> 00:05:44,609
We had a saying in my
neighborhood when I was a kid.
131
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,278
"If you can't stand the heat,
get out of Hell's Kitchen."
132
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,614
I can just see you
guys standing around
133
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:53,017
chuckling over that one in
your black leather jackets.
134
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:55,653
Well, fellas, I got
to get downtown
135
00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:56,921
and get cracking on this.
136
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:59,591
I got a few ideas already.
137
00:05:59,659 --> 00:06:01,542
Murray? Yeah?
138
00:06:01,611 --> 00:06:03,011
You forgot your notebook.
139
00:06:05,315 --> 00:06:06,426
Thanks, Felix.
140
00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:07,494
Murray? Yeah?
141
00:06:07,518 --> 00:06:08,928
You're going to be the only cop
142
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:10,232
who retires a rookie.
143
00:06:11,821 --> 00:06:14,055
Everybody picks
on the men in blue!
144
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:18,126
What are you doing?
145
00:06:18,195 --> 00:06:19,961
What does it look
as though I'm doing?
146
00:06:20,030 --> 00:06:21,963
I'm cleaning up this mess.
147
00:06:22,032 --> 00:06:23,831
Why don't you help me?
148
00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:25,400
I kind of like it this way.
149
00:06:25,469 --> 00:06:26,401
I'm going to work.
150
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:27,702
How could you go to work
151
00:06:27,771 --> 00:06:29,471
in the midst of
a crisis like this?
152
00:06:29,540 --> 00:06:31,917
Because I'm too poor
now to take a vacation.
153
00:06:31,941 --> 00:06:32,874
It's people like you
154
00:06:32,942 --> 00:06:34,742
who are turning
this city into a jungle.
155
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:35,743
You're an ostrich!
156
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:37,312
You bury your head in the sand.
157
00:06:37,381 --> 00:06:38,381
You refuse to...
158
00:06:43,353 --> 00:06:44,353
Very funny!
159
00:06:54,598 --> 00:06:55,630
Oscar.
160
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,868
Oscar, wake up.
161
00:07:04,508 --> 00:07:05,440
Wake up, Oscar,
162
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:06,741
I've got to talk to you.
163
00:07:06,810 --> 00:07:08,176
Oscar, wake up!
164
00:07:08,245 --> 00:07:09,511
What is it?
165
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:19,954
What is it? Was it a raid, what?
166
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,924
I'm not mad at you.
167
00:07:22,992 --> 00:07:24,158
What time is it?
168
00:07:24,228 --> 00:07:26,127
3:30.
169
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:29,030
3:00... You're not mad at me?!
170
00:07:29,099 --> 00:07:31,600
I'm mad at you!
171
00:07:31,668 --> 00:07:33,012
Come on, Oscar, wake up.
172
00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,180
Wake up!
173
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,764
I've got to talk
to you. Come on!
174
00:07:39,142 --> 00:07:42,611
Somehow, I like this
room better in the dark.
175
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,713
So do I, especially
when I'm trying to sleep.
176
00:07:44,781 --> 00:07:45,991
Come on! Wake up! Wake up!
177
00:07:46,015 --> 00:07:47,315
I've got to talk
to you. Wake up!
178
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:48,664
I've made an important decision.
179
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,051
You're going to put on a cape,
180
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,115
travel the world by night,
poking people awake?
181
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:55,640
Friends are supposed
to protect each other.
182
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,242
I've decided we're moving out
of this dangerous neighborhood.
183
00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,456
You're really concerned
with my welfare, aren't you?
184
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,546
Yes.
185
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:04,182
Then why do I hate you?
186
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:06,067
Because you know I'm right.
187
00:08:06,136 --> 00:08:09,331
Felix, at 3:30 in the
morning, nobody's right.
188
00:08:09,355 --> 00:08:12,035
I appreciate your
concern, but I'm not moving.
189
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:13,158
I'm going to go look
190
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:16,478
at one of those maximum-
security buildings that...
191
00:08:16,546 --> 00:08:18,546
You're not going
to listen to me, huh?
192
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,966
All right.
193
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,403
I'll move in with
Gloria till then,
194
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:26,649
if she'll let me.
195
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,518
Ah, she'll let me
for a couple of days.
196
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,687
Aw, come on. Aren't you
going to change your mind?
197
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:31,754
Move with me!
198
00:08:31,778 --> 00:08:32,977
Good night, Felix.
199
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:43,855
You know, I'm glad it
happened in this room.
200
00:08:43,923 --> 00:08:46,483
It makes leaving
that much easier.
201
00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,538
It's all so funny, isn't it?
202
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:07,111
Is it gonna be a long
funny or a short funny?
203
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:10,448
Here we are separating quietly
204
00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:12,762
over a simple
difference of opinion.
205
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:15,353
It's gonna be a long funny.
206
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:18,656
After all the yelling
and fighting we've had,
207
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,426
the final parting
of the ways is over
208
00:09:21,495 --> 00:09:23,156
a simple philosophical argument.
209
00:09:23,180 --> 00:09:25,412
Fascinating all right, isn't it?
210
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:28,516
No yelling, no fighting.
211
00:09:28,584 --> 00:09:31,785
As the poet, T.S. Elliot said,
212
00:09:31,854 --> 00:09:33,433
"Not with a bang,
but a whimper."
213
00:09:33,457 --> 00:09:36,557
"This is the way the world ends,
214
00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:37,937
"this is the way the world ends,
215
00:09:37,961 --> 00:09:40,406
"this is the way the world ends,
216
00:09:40,430 --> 00:09:43,064
not with a bang, but a whimper."
217
00:09:43,133 --> 00:09:46,934
In an earlier century,
Thomas Gray observed:
218
00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,302
"The paths of glory...
219
00:09:48,371 --> 00:09:50,750
Get out, Felix! Get out,
Felix! The paths of glory..."
220
00:09:50,774 --> 00:09:53,074
Get out of the building!
221
00:09:53,143 --> 00:09:54,341
Get out of the state!
222
00:09:54,410 --> 00:09:55,509
Join the Seabees!
223
00:09:55,578 --> 00:09:57,045
Join T.S. Eliot!
224
00:09:57,113 --> 00:09:58,157
He's dead!
225
00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,747
No wonder he's dead!
226
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,324
I keep forgetting Felix
isn't here anymore.
227
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,617
Hello.
228
00:10:18,685 --> 00:10:20,885
Hiya, honey. Fine.
229
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,386
Yeah, I borrowed a portable TV.
230
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,723
Yeah, I'm going to do
some work on my column.
231
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,391
But best of all, I'm going to
make my favorite meal, honey.
232
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:29,227
Yeah, here it is.
233
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,763
Mama Mia DeLuxe frozen dinner
234
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:35,133
and Kim Foy's Mandarin
Surprise Dinner.
235
00:10:35,201 --> 00:10:37,121
Well, you mix
them both together.
236
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,404
Are you kidding, honey?!
237
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,673
You haven't lived till
you've tasted chop suey
238
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:45,109
with marinara sauce.
239
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:46,744
Yeah, it's great!
240
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,713
What do you mean, am I afraid?
241
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:50,693
Will you cut it out?
You sound like Felix.
242
00:10:50,717 --> 00:10:53,134
But you don't smell like him
and you don't look like him.
243
00:10:53,202 --> 00:10:56,237
Yeah, that's why I can't wait
till I see you tomorrow night.
244
00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:57,850
All right, honey. Bye-bye.
245
00:10:57,874 --> 00:11:00,474
"Afraid"? What do
they mean, "afraid"?
246
00:11:24,551 --> 00:11:26,117
I lost my falcon.
247
00:11:37,847 --> 00:11:38,879
Hello.
248
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,232
Oscar, you're
still living there?
249
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,484
Felix, you've only
been gone for 12 hours.
250
00:11:43,553 --> 00:11:44,646
How are things at Gloria's?
251
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:45,837
We had a big argument.
252
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,389
She puts cocktail
napkins on the dinner table.
253
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,971
The kids are going to
think they grew up in a bar.
254
00:11:51,995 --> 00:11:53,477
Poor Gloria.
255
00:11:56,333 --> 00:11:57,415
What are you doing?
256
00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:59,099
I'm fixing my dinner.
257
00:11:59,168 --> 00:12:01,502
You're not mixing
Chinese and Italian?
258
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,273
No, Felix, no, no.
259
00:12:06,342 --> 00:12:08,793
I found the perfect
place to live.
260
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:09,862
It's really nice.
261
00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:11,496
It's over on 59th Street.
262
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:12,758
It's called the Security Arms.
263
00:12:12,782 --> 00:12:14,916
Security Arms? Yeah.
264
00:12:14,984 --> 00:12:16,417
Yeah, it's totally safe.
265
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:17,830
I thought, I thought
I'd go over tomorrow
266
00:12:17,854 --> 00:12:18,931
and take a look at it.
267
00:12:18,955 --> 00:12:20,338
Well, have your Security.
268
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:21,739
Yeah. Well, I was wondering
269
00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:22,952
maybe you'd like to come along,
270
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:24,392
look the place over with me.
271
00:12:24,460 --> 00:12:26,822
Why should I look at a place
I'm never going to move into?
272
00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:28,774
You're determined to
stay in that death trap?
273
00:12:28,798 --> 00:12:32,399
Boy, I'm telling you, I wish
people would stop bugging me.
274
00:12:32,468 --> 00:12:33,684
It's giving me the creeps!
275
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,164
You see? You're nervous there.
276
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,604
Good-bye, Felix.
277
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:37,955
'Fraidy cat...
278
00:13:00,797 --> 00:13:02,613
Felix, what time are you going
279
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,293
to go look at that
building tomorrow?
280
00:13:21,601 --> 00:13:23,179
You know, you were
very rude to the doorman.
281
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,381
I don't like to be frisked
when I enter a building.
282
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:27,938
He didn't frisk you.
283
00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,418
He just asked for
your identification.
284
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,686
That's a very normal precaution.
285
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:31,787
I like it. Yeah?
286
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,921
Well, I'm sorry, Felix,
287
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:34,357
I get the feeling
I'm being watched.
288
00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,846
Oh, you're overreacting.
289
00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,627
I'll be with you in
a second, fellas.
290
00:13:37,651 --> 00:13:38,750
Sit down.
291
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,263
Now you see?
292
00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:42,765
Big Brother is watching us.
293
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:43,789
That's a loud speaker.
294
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,857
You've heard them at ball games.
295
00:13:45,925 --> 00:13:47,605
Good afternoon, fellas.
296
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,362
Sit! Down!
297
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:53,031
G. Martin Duke's the name.
298
00:13:53,099 --> 00:13:54,265
Safety's my game.
299
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:55,344
Oscar Madison.
300
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,184
Felix Unger. This must be one
301
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,064
of the watchdogs I read
about in the brochure, huh?
302
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,572
Oh no, he's too small for that.
303
00:14:00,624 --> 00:14:02,106
Too small? Yes.
304
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,654
Uh, Peaches is my
own personal pet.
305
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:05,810
Uh-huh.
306
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,912
If he's a pet, why do you
have a muzzle on him?
307
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:10,026
Well, I've learned never
to be too sure of anything.
308
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:13,668
If man can turn on man,
why not man's best friend?
309
00:14:14,971 --> 00:14:16,871
May we see one
of the apartments?
310
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:17,940
Certainly.
311
00:14:17,974 --> 00:14:19,073
Stay.
312
00:14:19,141 --> 00:14:20,240
Sit.
313
00:14:28,218 --> 00:14:30,050
Mr. Duke? Mr. Duke?
314
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:31,486
Mel here.
315
00:14:31,554 --> 00:14:33,265
There's a water
deliveryman at the door,
316
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,939
but he's not the regular guy.
317
00:14:34,991 --> 00:14:36,936
Did you check his
identification, Mel?
318
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,059
It checks out.
319
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:39,477
He says he's the relief man.
320
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:41,906
Well, ask the gentleman to
step in front of the scanner.
321
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:45,316
This is our finest feature.
322
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,318
Cameras scan the whole building,
323
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:48,897
and it comes
through on the screen.
324
00:14:48,921 --> 00:14:50,733
We like to think it
makes every tenant
325
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,000
a watchman. Oh, goodie.
326
00:14:52,024 --> 00:14:53,703
I always wanted
to be a watchman.
327
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:55,687
He looks familiar.
Pass him through.
328
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:56,828
Right.
329
00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,708
But take a drink of
water first, just in case.
330
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:01,766
Wait a minute, what
kind of question is this?
331
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,478
"Describe your
temperament." Right there.
332
00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:04,568
Just another precaution.
333
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,281
Oh, really? Well,
to tell you the truth,
334
00:15:06,305 --> 00:15:08,751
I don't think it's any
of your business.
335
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,940
Well, that's all right.
336
00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:12,042
I think I have
enough information.
337
00:15:12,111 --> 00:15:13,822
Now, if you'll excuse
me for a second,
338
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:16,281
and then we'll go up
and look at an apartment.
339
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:19,651
"Madison given to
temper outbursts."
340
00:15:22,388 --> 00:15:23,720
Gentlemen.
341
00:15:25,891 --> 00:15:27,658
Ah, yes.
342
00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:30,761
Oh... this is lovely.
343
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,629
Yeah, early sterile.
344
00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:37,434
Look at this beautiful
painting, a black doughnut.
345
00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:39,898
It's a little cold at first,
346
00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:41,766
but after we add
the personal touch.
347
00:15:41,790 --> 00:15:44,658
Yeah, we'll bring in
a goldfish for warmth.
348
00:15:44,727 --> 00:15:46,405
Well, we'll bring
our things in here,
349
00:15:46,429 --> 00:15:48,073
move some of this
furniture a little bit.
350
00:15:48,097 --> 00:15:50,731
Oh, uh, the furniture's
not moveable, Mr. Unger.
351
00:15:50,799 --> 00:15:52,733
It's bolted down.
352
00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:54,279
What if you had a rocking chair?
353
00:15:54,303 --> 00:15:56,404
Chains. Chains.
354
00:15:56,472 --> 00:15:58,372
It makes it impossible to steal.
355
00:15:58,441 --> 00:15:59,918
It's for your own
good. Very good.
356
00:15:59,942 --> 00:16:01,320
Very good. What
kind of glass is this?
357
00:16:01,344 --> 00:16:02,276
The finest.
358
00:16:02,345 --> 00:16:04,445
You can see out,
but nobody can spy in.
359
00:16:04,514 --> 00:16:05,790
We're 20 floors up.
360
00:16:05,814 --> 00:16:07,944
Who's gonna spy
in, a peeping pigeon?
361
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,684
Mr. Madison, it's
for your own good.
362
00:16:10,754 --> 00:16:13,855
Mr. Duke, when I look back
at the best times of my life,
363
00:16:13,923 --> 00:16:15,284
none of them was
for my own good.
364
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,074
If you don't like it here,
365
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,526
we do have a long waiting list.
366
00:16:18,595 --> 00:16:19,838
Excuse me, excuse me,
367
00:16:19,862 --> 00:16:22,422
Mr. Madison, may I
talk to you a minute?
368
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:26,946
What are you trying to do?
369
00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:28,113
Trying to ruin everything?
370
00:16:28,137 --> 00:16:29,347
You said you wanted to move.
371
00:16:29,371 --> 00:16:31,772
Yeah, but not into
solitary confinement.
372
00:16:31,841 --> 00:16:33,340
Felix, the place
gives me the creeps.
373
00:16:33,409 --> 00:16:34,653
Oh, and waking up in the morning
374
00:16:34,677 --> 00:16:35,610
and finding your roommate
375
00:16:35,678 --> 00:16:36,956
bound and gagged and tortured,
376
00:16:36,980 --> 00:16:38,758
that fills you with confidence?
377
00:16:38,782 --> 00:16:40,226
When are you going
to forget about that?
378
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,994
When the rope burns go away.
379
00:16:42,018 --> 00:16:43,629
I asked you to move
like a gentleman,
380
00:16:43,653 --> 00:16:45,648
and you told me to go
live with a dead poet.
381
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,271
Then I called you up
382
00:16:47,339 --> 00:16:48,601
and gave you
another opportunity,
383
00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:50,402
at which time you
hung up in my face
384
00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:52,237
with a mouth full of soy sauce.
385
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:54,807
Then you called me, a
man with terror in his voice
386
00:16:54,831 --> 00:16:57,193
and you said, "Felix,
please let me go in with you."
387
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,983
And I opened up my heart to you,
388
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,164
and you've plunged in
the dagger of ingratitude.
389
00:17:02,188 --> 00:17:04,588
Okay, okay, lay off, MacBeth.
390
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,635
I'll do it. Anything
you want, I'll do it.
391
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:07,659
Just stop it.
392
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,160
I'll sign the lease.
393
00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:10,961
Fingerprint me.
394
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,045
Oscar, this kitchen is a dream.
395
00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:17,668
Well, the bedroom's a nightmare.
396
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,771
Only because you added
your personal touch... filth.
397
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:25,076
My stuff is the only
thing I like in there.
398
00:17:25,144 --> 00:17:27,945
Do you know there's a lamp
beside my bed I can't turn off?
399
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:29,914
It's a night light.
400
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,549
Yeah, well, I can't turn it off.
401
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:33,851
It's shining right on the bed.
402
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,920
I don't like to get a
tan when I'm sleeping.
403
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,810
What are you doing?
404
00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:46,346
I wonder if Duke's on the other
side of this mirror looking in.
405
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,166
So ridiculous.
406
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,969
Why do you have to go out
the first night in a new place?
407
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,270
I got a date with Nancy.
408
00:17:53,339 --> 00:17:54,349
Well, bring her here.
409
00:17:54,373 --> 00:17:56,135
Gloria's coming over at 8:00.
410
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:58,054
I'm making a lovely dinner
411
00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,343
to patch up the fight we had.
412
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,424
She's still mad about
the napkins, huh? Yeah.
413
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:02,728
Calls me a dictator.
414
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,282
Leave that alone!
415
00:18:04,350 --> 00:18:05,800
The woman knows you, Felix.
416
00:18:05,869 --> 00:18:09,337
Would a dictator prepare
all her favorite dishes?
417
00:18:09,405 --> 00:18:11,188
Veal piccata, zucchini,
418
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,902
zabaglione. They're
your favorites.
419
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:15,710
And in time, they'll
be her favorites.
420
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,662
I'm taking Nancy to the movies.
421
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:18,974
Why don't you stay here?
422
00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,076
It's so nice
423
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,827
and safe. It's for
your own good.
424
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:23,429
Felix, stop it. I'm tired
of hearing about safe.
425
00:18:23,453 --> 00:18:24,585
After I go to the movies,
426
00:18:24,654 --> 00:18:26,131
I'm going to get a
fistful of dollar bills.
427
00:18:26,155 --> 00:18:27,199
I'm gonna stick them
in all my pockets.
428
00:18:27,223 --> 00:18:28,522
I'm going to go to Central Park
429
00:18:28,591 --> 00:18:30,069
and I'm gonna say
"Mug me, mug me!"
430
00:18:30,093 --> 00:18:31,303
Go. Go.
431
00:18:31,327 --> 00:18:32,793
I'm going. Don't
worry, I'm going.
432
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,382
Look at this.
433
00:18:34,430 --> 00:18:36,396
They're off and I
haven't placed a bet yet.
434
00:18:38,134 --> 00:18:39,414
Must be a fire drill.
435
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,585
Mr. Unger, Mr. Unger.
436
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:44,355
Yes. Yes.
437
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,023
G. Martin Duke speaking.
438
00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:48,258
You have an unregistered
guest out here.
439
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,894
Female, Caucasian, blonde hair,
440
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,580
five-foot-four, small
scar on right hand,
441
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,567
38-26-34.
442
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:57,901
Gloria.
443
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,982
Mr. Duke, that's my wife
you've got down there.
444
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,772
I'll put on my scanner.
445
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:04,959
Uh, move in front of the
camera for positive identification.
446
00:19:06,796 --> 00:19:09,096
Oh, look at Gloria.
447
00:19:09,165 --> 00:19:10,281
Doesn't she look nice?
448
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,082
Yeah, I recognized her
449
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,385
by the scar on her
Caucasian right hand.
450
00:19:14,437 --> 00:19:16,982
Felix, why are you
doing this to me?
451
00:19:17,006 --> 00:19:18,517
Why do you invite me to dinner
452
00:19:18,541 --> 00:19:19,969
and then have me arrested?
453
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,225
Arrested?
454
00:19:21,294 --> 00:19:23,461
Mr. Duke, what's
going on down there?
455
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:25,512
Sorry about this, Mr. Unger.
456
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:27,414
Standard operating procedure.
457
00:19:27,483 --> 00:19:29,929
Felix, what kind of a
building did you move into?
458
00:19:29,953 --> 00:19:30,996
You'll love it...
459
00:19:31,020 --> 00:19:32,820
You'll love it, Gloria.
460
00:19:32,888 --> 00:19:34,767
I've made a beautiful dinner.
461
00:19:34,791 --> 00:19:36,056
Look.
462
00:19:36,125 --> 00:19:38,358
Am I going to have
to eat it handcuffed?
463
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:40,005
Sorry about this, Mr. Unger.
464
00:19:40,029 --> 00:19:42,029
But why didn't you
register your wife?
465
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,831
It's in our tenant's manual.
466
00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:46,733
"Management must be informed
of the arrival of all guests.
467
00:19:46,803 --> 00:19:48,513
"If it's to be an
overnight guest,
468
00:19:48,537 --> 00:19:51,138
management must be
notified by 10:00 p.m."
469
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:53,290
What kind of a
stupid rule is that?
470
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,359
A lot of times I
don't know by 10:00
471
00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,173
if my guest is going
to stay overnight.
472
00:19:57,197 --> 00:20:00,831
Gloria can hear every
word you're saying.
473
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:05,536
I'm sorry, Mr. Duke, I've only
reached page 51 in the manual.
474
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,349
Could you send my
wife up now, please?
475
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:08,805
I'm sorry, Mr. Unger,
476
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:11,019
but I can't release
her until Mel gets back.
477
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,054
Who's Mel?
478
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,088
Our security guard.
479
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:14,323
No guest is permitted
480
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,124
to wander around the
building unaccompanied.
481
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:17,526
That's in the manual, too.
482
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,228
It sounds like the guy
who wrote your manual
483
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,312
also wrote Mein Kampf.
484
00:20:20,336 --> 00:20:21,613
I'd bring her up myself,
485
00:20:21,637 --> 00:20:22,815
but I can't leave the office
486
00:20:22,839 --> 00:20:24,533
and there's no one
else around here I trust.
487
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,151
Why don't you send
her up with Peaches?
488
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:29,326
I'm getting a migraine,
489
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,395
and it's a bad one.
490
00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:31,662
Even my eyebrows hurt.
491
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,197
I'm coming down
to get you, Gloria.
492
00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:35,777
I'm sorry, but the
manual states...
493
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:38,102
You can take your manual...
494
00:20:39,855 --> 00:20:41,166
Door's locked. I can't get out.
495
00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:43,190
From the inside
the door is locked?
496
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:44,941
That's our interior lock.
497
00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:46,955
Once the door is
bolted from the inside,
498
00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,141
you need the interior key
to unlock the door again.
499
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,409
Oscar, after I let you in
tonight, I bolted the door.
500
00:20:51,433 --> 00:20:53,045
I gave you the keys.
Where are they?
501
00:20:53,069 --> 00:20:54,613
What keys? I don't re...
I gave you the new keys.
502
00:20:54,637 --> 00:20:56,015
They were wrapped in
tissue paper. Where are they?
503
00:20:56,039 --> 00:20:59,340
They were in the
tissue paper? Yes.
504
00:20:59,409 --> 00:21:00,689
They're in the East River.
505
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:05,596
I flushed them down the toilet
506
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,327
along with a half a tunafish
sandwich and a banana peel.
507
00:21:08,351 --> 00:21:09,728
I was cleaning out my pockets.
508
00:21:09,752 --> 00:21:12,453
I don't believe this.
I don't believe it.
509
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,421
Mr. Duke,
510
00:21:14,490 --> 00:21:16,100
you'll just have
to leave your post
511
00:21:16,124 --> 00:21:17,569
and bring my wife up here.
512
00:21:17,593 --> 00:21:18,753
Yeah, hurry up. I got a date.
513
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:19,877
Don't you understand?
514
00:21:19,945 --> 00:21:21,757
The door only
unlocks from the inside.
515
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:22,879
It's for your own good.
516
00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:26,528
I hope Gloria
brought my blue pills.
517
00:21:26,552 --> 00:21:27,595
What difference does it make?
518
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:28,899
She can't get in.
519
00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,634
What happened to the lights?
520
00:21:32,658 --> 00:21:35,225
Somebody on the
third floor just got it.
521
00:21:40,566 --> 00:21:42,165
Just get us out of here!
522
00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:44,280
The only way now is
to break the door down.
523
00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:46,337
Well, get your ax
up here and do it!
524
00:21:47,674 --> 00:21:49,857
Felix, I'm scared.
525
00:21:49,926 --> 00:21:51,169
We're coming, Gl...
526
00:21:51,193 --> 00:21:52,426
We're coming...
527
00:21:52,494 --> 00:21:54,161
We're coming, Gloria.
528
00:21:54,230 --> 00:21:55,562
You bet we are.
529
00:21:55,631 --> 00:21:58,165
We're busting out of here
in the first laundry truck.
530
00:21:59,402 --> 00:22:00,634
Don't touch that window.
531
00:22:08,210 --> 00:22:09,343
Don't shoot!
532
00:22:09,412 --> 00:22:10,444
Don't shoot!
533
00:22:13,266 --> 00:22:14,876
Felix, do you
think this is the time
534
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:16,300
to be setting the table?
535
00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:19,113
FELIX Gloria's been
through a harrowing ordeal.
536
00:22:19,137 --> 00:22:21,697
She'll want something to eat.
537
00:22:22,375 --> 00:22:23,552
There it goes.
538
00:22:23,576 --> 00:22:24,941
Oh, Felix.
539
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,309
Gloria, darling.
540
00:22:26,379 --> 00:22:27,978
Eat, darling, eat.
541
00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:30,614
The food will be getting cold.
542
00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,416
Veal piccata? You'll love it.
543
00:22:32,468 --> 00:22:35,268
That door is coming out
of your cleaning deposit.
544
00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:37,533
Your nose may be
coming off your face.
545
00:22:37,557 --> 00:22:39,089
I don't like you, Madison.
546
00:22:39,142 --> 00:22:40,422
No kidding, look at this.
547
00:22:40,476 --> 00:22:42,187
Another birthday
present I won't be getting.
548
00:22:42,211 --> 00:22:43,756
Better be...
549
00:22:43,780 --> 00:22:45,146
Be careful, Oscar.
He can be rough.
550
00:22:45,214 --> 00:22:46,825
What do you mean,
he can be rough?
551
00:22:46,849 --> 00:22:47,982
Oh, it was nothing, Felix.
552
00:22:48,050 --> 00:22:49,661
No, wha-wha-what's
nothing? Explain nothing.
553
00:22:49,685 --> 00:22:51,485
Well... well, he
yanked my arm a little
554
00:22:51,553 --> 00:22:53,353
when I was looking
for my ID, you know...
555
00:22:53,422 --> 00:22:54,850
What part of your
arm did he yank?
556
00:22:54,874 --> 00:22:56,552
The lower arm or the upper arm?
557
00:22:56,576 --> 00:22:58,475
Oh, it doesn't
make any difference.
558
00:22:58,544 --> 00:23:00,978
It makes a great
deal of difference!
559
00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:02,946
The upper arm is
much more sensual.
560
00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:07,162
This whole thing is
getting out of hand.
561
00:23:07,186 --> 00:23:09,398
I want you and Madison
out of here in the morning.
562
00:23:09,422 --> 00:23:11,233
I'm afraid you're just
not our kind of people.
563
00:23:11,257 --> 00:23:13,657
You're quite right, Mr. Duke.
564
00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:15,492
We're not your kind of people.
565
00:23:15,561 --> 00:23:19,329
We don't go around yanking
other men's ex-wives' upper arms.
566
00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:21,131
Why, I ought to...
567
00:23:24,586 --> 00:23:26,687
Security is a wonderful
thing, Mr. Duke,
568
00:23:26,755 --> 00:23:27,888
but not at this price,
569
00:23:27,957 --> 00:23:30,257
not with sneaky-peepy
cameras and three-way locks...
570
00:23:30,326 --> 00:23:31,424
and two-way mirrors.
571
00:23:31,494 --> 00:23:33,472
Who-who told you
about the mirrors?
572
00:23:33,496 --> 00:23:35,261
This city is tough
enough to live in
573
00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:37,547
without people like you
exploiting men's fears.
574
00:23:37,617 --> 00:23:40,684
You're a horrible little man
with a horrible little mind
575
00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:42,798
who has to yank people's
arms to get attention.
576
00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:44,232
And we're moving
out of here at once.
577
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,768
And I'm not even cleaning up.
578
00:23:46,792 --> 00:23:48,291
Oh, isn't that great, Felix?!
579
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:49,600
I couldn't have said it better.
580
00:23:49,662 --> 00:23:50,872
You've been saying it all along,
581
00:23:50,896 --> 00:23:52,808
but I just didn't have
enough sense to listen.
582
00:23:52,832 --> 00:23:54,993
You're the kind of people
who don't appreciate anything.
583
00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:57,918
I had you spotted as
pinkos, troublemakers,
584
00:23:57,987 --> 00:24:00,186
the minute you
set foot in my office.
585
00:24:00,255 --> 00:24:02,100
This is the safest,
most fully protected...
586
00:24:02,124 --> 00:24:03,124
Mr. Duke! Mr. Duke!
587
00:24:03,158 --> 00:24:04,235
Mel, what happened?
588
00:24:04,259 --> 00:24:05,725
Boss, we've been robbed.
589
00:24:05,812 --> 00:24:08,828
They took the computers, the
scanner cameras, everything.
590
00:24:08,898 --> 00:24:10,464
Come on, Mel.
591
00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:12,833
Who could have
done such a thing?
592
00:24:12,902 --> 00:24:14,434
I think it was an inside job.
593
00:24:14,503 --> 00:24:16,403
Who? Peaches.
594
00:24:26,532 --> 00:24:28,532
It certainly didn't
take you long
595
00:24:28,601 --> 00:24:30,634
to get your room back in shape.
596
00:24:32,071 --> 00:24:34,338
You know, Oscar, you were right.
597
00:24:34,406 --> 00:24:36,474
I've learned a lesson.
598
00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:40,660
Sometimes you
can play it too safe.
599
00:24:40,730 --> 00:24:43,363
It doesn't pay, does it?
600
00:24:43,432 --> 00:24:47,367
A man has to take some
risks just to be a man.
601
00:24:47,436 --> 00:24:50,204
From now on, I'm finished
playing with shadows
602
00:24:50,272 --> 00:24:53,306
and jumping at every sound.
603
00:24:53,375 --> 00:24:55,175
What? Ahh!
39954
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