Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,226
Oh, Oscar, I'm glad you're home.
2
00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:19,496
Just leaving you a note.
3
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:21,966
I've got to go out on
a job. I need a favor.
4
00:00:21,990 --> 00:00:24,236
Can it wait, Felix? I
need a beer and a shower.
5
00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:25,466
Or a shower and a beer,
6
00:00:25,490 --> 00:00:28,720
or better still, a
beer in the shower.
7
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:32,600
Look how he throws his
nice jacket on the floor.
8
00:00:32,670 --> 00:00:34,876
Why must you carry
food in your pockets?
9
00:00:34,900 --> 00:00:37,246
Ants are starting
to follow you home.
10
00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:38,570
What's the favor, Felix?
11
00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,240
All I want you to do is
answer a phone call for me.
12
00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:42,250
From who?
13
00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:43,486
Angel Haven.
14
00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:45,556
Angel... Hey, is that the
big blonde with the mole?
15
00:00:45,580 --> 00:00:46,856
No, no.
16
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,956
It's the cemetery where
I'm getting my plot.
17
00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:50,396
See, I showed you the brochure.
18
00:00:50,420 --> 00:00:52,226
Cemetery? Are you keeping
something from me, Felix?
19
00:00:52,250 --> 00:00:53,326
Oh, no, no, no.
20
00:00:53,350 --> 00:00:54,710
I'm, I'm 100 percent.
21
00:00:54,790 --> 00:00:56,636
It's just that, I've been
going around weekends
22
00:00:56,660 --> 00:00:57,990
looking for a plot.
23
00:00:58,060 --> 00:00:59,636
Just preparing for
when my time comes.
24
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:00,806
I told you about this.
25
00:01:00,830 --> 00:01:02,426
Oh, that's where
you've been going, yeah.
26
00:01:02,450 --> 00:01:05,300
I thought you were out
vacuuming Staten Island.
27
00:01:05,370 --> 00:01:08,540
I don't believe people should
wait until the last minute.
28
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:09,876
That's where we differ, buddy.
29
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:13,330
I never heard of a corpse
complaining about bad timing.
30
00:01:13,410 --> 00:01:14,786
Aren't you forgetting something?
31
00:01:14,810 --> 00:01:16,056
What?
32
00:01:16,080 --> 00:01:18,126
I was good enough
to pick this up for you.
33
00:01:18,150 --> 00:01:21,820
Thank you, Felix.
34
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:22,926
What do you say?
35
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,356
Will you answer
the phone for me?
36
00:01:27,750 --> 00:01:29,120
Hello.
37
00:01:29,190 --> 00:01:30,960
Yes, speaking!
38
00:01:31,020 --> 00:01:32,550
Oh, wonderful, wonderful!
39
00:01:32,630 --> 00:01:33,950
I'll be down first
thing tomorrow.
40
00:01:35,090 --> 00:01:38,060
Oh, today?
41
00:01:38,130 --> 00:01:39,176
Well, yes, I know there's
42
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,440
a shortage of
eternal housing, but...
43
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:45,400
Well, this plot is just
perfect for me. I...
44
00:01:45,470 --> 00:01:47,686
Would you hold on
a minute, please?
45
00:01:47,710 --> 00:01:49,850
Oscar. Oscar!
46
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:51,116
What?!
47
00:01:51,140 --> 00:01:52,640
The cemetery's on the phone.
48
00:01:52,710 --> 00:01:53,936
Tell them I'm not ready yet.
49
00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:57,580
Oscar.
50
00:01:57,650 --> 00:01:58,926
What?!
51
00:01:58,950 --> 00:02:00,796
They say they've got
to have a cash deposit
52
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:02,120
by 4:00 this afternoon.
53
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,690
Somebody else wants my plot.
54
00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,330
I've got to go down on a job.
55
00:02:05,390 --> 00:02:07,006
Will you take it
over there for me?
56
00:02:07,030 --> 00:02:08,206
Yeah, sure.
57
00:02:08,230 --> 00:02:09,406
Oscar.
58
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:11,990
My beer's getting
soap in it, will you?!
59
00:02:13,970 --> 00:02:17,420
Make sure it's plot 204
by the babbling brook.
60
00:02:17,490 --> 00:02:18,716
Babbling brook.
61
00:02:18,740 --> 00:02:19,816
Don't panic.
62
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,256
I'll leave the money
by the phone.
63
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:23,710
Hello. Yes.
64
00:02:23,780 --> 00:02:26,286
My friend Mr. Madison will
bring the deposit over today.
65
00:02:26,310 --> 00:02:27,640
Yeah, right away.
66
00:02:27,710 --> 00:02:29,580
Will $100 be enough?
67
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,210
Fine. Good, thank you.
68
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:33,980
Oh, and remember, plot
204 by the babbling brook.
69
00:02:34,050 --> 00:02:34,980
Yeah, thank you.
70
00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:36,340
Bye-bye.
71
00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:53,366
Felix!
72
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:54,566
Get the phone, will you?!
73
00:02:54,590 --> 00:02:56,550
Felix!
74
00:02:56,630 --> 00:02:58,560
Where are you?!
75
00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:02,470
Felix!
76
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:03,806
Hello.
77
00:03:03,830 --> 00:03:05,076
Oh, hi, Eddie.
78
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:07,660
Listen, I can't talk,
I'm in the shower.
79
00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,070
What?
80
00:03:09,140 --> 00:03:10,510
Today?
81
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:13,200
What race?
82
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,416
Sure, I'm interested.
83
00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:15,476
Who gave you the tip?
84
00:03:15,500 --> 00:03:17,420
The horse?
85
00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,550
Oh, the horse's trainer.
86
00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:23,366
Wouldn't you know
it... A sure thing.
87
00:03:23,390 --> 00:03:24,920
I couldn't bet if I had to.
88
00:03:24,990 --> 00:03:26,266
No.
89
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:27,896
Why? Because I'm
dead broke, that's why.
90
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:31,450
All I got is... $100.
91
00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,190
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
92
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:43,750
from his place of residence.
93
00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:45,906
That request came from his wife.
94
00:03:45,930 --> 00:03:48,490
Deep down, he
knew she was right.
95
00:03:48,530 --> 00:03:51,670
But he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
96
00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:53,730
With nowhere else to go,
97
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:55,396
he appeared at the
home of his friend
98
00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:56,710
Oscar Madison.
99
00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,050
Several years earlier,
100
00:03:58,100 --> 00:03:59,886
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
101
00:03:59,910 --> 00:04:02,016
requesting that he never return.
102
00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,556
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
103
00:04:04,580 --> 00:04:07,140
without driving
each other crazy?
104
00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:36,150
♪ ♪
105
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:58,750
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
106
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:02,020
Nah, nah, I can't do it.
107
00:05:02,090 --> 00:05:03,196
No.
108
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,266
Sure, I liked the tip,
but how am I gonna
109
00:05:05,290 --> 00:05:07,146
bet a man's burial
money on a horse race?
110
00:05:07,170 --> 00:05:10,540
I know he's not gonna die today.
111
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,056
No, I can't... No, I can't...
112
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,786
I just, I can't.
Will you forget it?
113
00:05:13,810 --> 00:05:15,086
I can't... Well, don't hang up!
114
00:05:15,110 --> 00:05:16,680
Talk me into it!
115
00:05:19,850 --> 00:05:21,510
What'd you say the odds were?
116
00:05:21,590 --> 00:05:23,260
Ten to one?
117
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,766
Listen, what are the odds
of my getting some credit?
118
00:05:25,790 --> 00:05:27,520
1,000 to one.
119
00:05:27,590 --> 00:05:28,706
Well, listen, you know,
120
00:05:28,730 --> 00:05:29,976
it wouldn't be
like stealing, right?
121
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,546
I mean, I'm only
borrowing it, right?
122
00:05:31,570 --> 00:05:32,746
Sure, that's reasonable, right?
123
00:05:32,770 --> 00:05:34,206
I'm gonna return it
on Monday, right?
124
00:05:34,230 --> 00:05:36,790
Don't leave till I get
the money to you!
125
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:42,566
Look at this!
126
00:05:42,590 --> 00:05:44,520
I forgot the money!
127
00:05:46,130 --> 00:05:48,376
I thought you were
going to take me to lunch.
128
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,800
This is lunch, honey.
129
00:05:49,870 --> 00:05:51,976
I got dressed up for a
submarine sandwich?
130
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,246
I'm sorry, honey, but I
got to watch this race.
131
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:55,200
Holy mackerel.
132
00:05:55,270 --> 00:05:56,486
Say, help yourself
to macaroni salad,
133
00:05:56,510 --> 00:05:58,040
will you?
134
00:05:58,110 --> 00:06:00,256
Oscar, you know, as a woman,
135
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,586
I'd say this isn't
much of a date.
136
00:06:02,610 --> 00:06:04,996
And as your doctor,
I'd say it's a disaster.
137
00:06:05,020 --> 00:06:06,196
Don't worry, honey.
138
00:06:06,220 --> 00:06:09,160
If I win, I'll buy you
some pig's knuckles.
139
00:06:09,220 --> 00:06:10,660
What do I mean if I win?
140
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:13,320
I got to win. I got
$100 on this horse.
141
00:06:13,390 --> 00:06:14,436
Come on.
142
00:06:14,460 --> 00:06:15,666
And at the five turn...
143
00:06:15,690 --> 00:06:16,866
Five turn?
144
00:06:16,890 --> 00:06:18,926
In the lead, it's Matchmaker
and Uncle Waldo.
145
00:06:18,950 --> 00:06:20,356
That's my horse... Matchmaker!
146
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,950
It's Matchmaker and Uncle Waldo.
147
00:06:22,010 --> 00:06:23,056
Matchmaker pulling away.
148
00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:24,196
Come on, honey, root for me.
149
00:06:24,220 --> 00:06:25,326
I'll take you to the Bahamas.
150
00:06:25,350 --> 00:06:26,280
Bahamas?! Yeah.
151
00:06:26,350 --> 00:06:27,280
Ooh! Come on, Matchmaker!
152
00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:28,376
It's Matchmaker by a length,
153
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,746
Uncle Waldo,
Mermaid and Billy Boy.
154
00:06:29,770 --> 00:06:31,170
Come on, baby!
155
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,606
And coming into the stretch,
it's Matchmaker by two lengths.
156
00:06:33,630 --> 00:06:34,906
Yeah, two lengths!
157
00:06:34,930 --> 00:06:35,870
Three lengths.
158
00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:36,870
Three lengths!
159
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:37,860
Matchmaker by four lengths.
160
00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:38,860
Four lengths!
161
00:06:38,930 --> 00:06:39,860
I'm rich! I'm rich!
162
00:06:39,930 --> 00:06:41,106
Matchmaker by four lengths.
163
00:06:41,130 --> 00:06:42,146
And Matchmaker by three lengths.
164
00:06:42,170 --> 00:06:43,216
No, four lengths, he said four.
165
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,170
Matchmaker by two lengths.
166
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:45,446
No, not two. What
happened to four?
167
00:06:45,470 --> 00:06:46,400
Matchmaker by a length.
168
00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:47,400
No, it's four! Four...
169
00:06:47,470 --> 00:06:49,100
And the winner is Uncle Waldo,
170
00:06:49,180 --> 00:06:50,916
followed by Mermaid
and Billy Boy.
171
00:06:50,940 --> 00:06:54,870
We'll go down to the winner's
circle in just a moment.
172
00:06:54,950 --> 00:06:57,090
Don't turn it off, honey.
173
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,080
Here he comes.
174
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,090
Now you can turn it off.
175
00:07:09,460 --> 00:07:12,020
Oh, Oscar, put your
head between your knees.
176
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,470
What are you doing?
177
00:07:17,540 --> 00:07:18,716
Felix was right.
178
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:20,596
The ants did follow me home.
179
00:07:37,660 --> 00:07:39,600
Sorry.
180
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:55,316
♪ When the saints
come marching in ♪
181
00:07:55,340 --> 00:07:56,970
♪ When the saints ♪
182
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,040
♪ Come marching... ♪
183
00:07:59,110 --> 00:08:00,040
Oh!
184
00:08:00,110 --> 00:08:01,486
I'm sorry.
185
00:08:01,510 --> 00:08:04,360
I thought you was one
of them $35 funerals.
186
00:08:06,770 --> 00:08:09,380
Just a little inside
joke we have.
187
00:08:09,440 --> 00:08:11,016
You must be the groundskeeper.
188
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,640
Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah.
189
00:08:12,710 --> 00:08:15,126
Uh, is this where
you're going to...
190
00:08:15,150 --> 00:08:16,520
Yeah, yeah.
191
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:17,756
When the time comes.
192
00:08:17,780 --> 00:08:18,796
Well...
193
00:08:18,820 --> 00:08:20,590
it's a beautiful location.
194
00:08:20,650 --> 00:08:22,350
Thank you.
195
00:08:22,420 --> 00:08:24,266
You know anything about
my next door neighbor here?
196
00:08:24,290 --> 00:08:28,060
Well, uh... I don't
know anything personal,
197
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:29,716
but, uh, he was
the first cellist
198
00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:30,916
for the Philharmonic.
199
00:08:30,940 --> 00:08:32,270
Really?!
200
00:08:32,330 --> 00:08:35,130
Yeah, he's one of the main
attractions on our guided tours.
201
00:08:35,220 --> 00:08:38,090
Oh, my.
202
00:08:38,150 --> 00:08:41,480
Well, I, uh, I'll
be talking to you.
203
00:08:41,550 --> 00:08:42,896
I mean...
204
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:44,380
I'll be seeing you.
205
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:47,020
♪ When the saints
go marching in ♪
206
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,290
Felix?
207
00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:22,670
You nearly scared me to death.
208
00:09:22,710 --> 00:09:24,686
Well, you wouldn't
have far to go.
209
00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:26,226
I'm glad you got down here.
210
00:09:26,250 --> 00:09:27,656
I want you to see my plot.
211
00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:28,826
Yeah, I see it. Listen...
212
00:09:28,850 --> 00:09:30,226
Isn't this lovely?
Yes, it's beautiful.
213
00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:32,390
I want to talk with...
Oh, you have no idea
214
00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:34,566
how long I searched
for just the right spot,
215
00:09:34,590 --> 00:09:36,150
and now I found it.
216
00:09:36,230 --> 00:09:37,966
Oh, so serene and peaceful.
217
00:09:37,990 --> 00:09:40,006
Look at this lovely shade tree.
218
00:09:40,030 --> 00:09:41,736
And there's the babbling brook.
219
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,176
Close enough to hear, but
far enough to avoid seepage.
220
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,446
Felix, look, I
want to talk to you.
221
00:09:46,470 --> 00:09:48,176
I don't know how to put it.
222
00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:49,346
What's the matter, Oscar?
223
00:09:49,370 --> 00:09:50,786
You got troubles?
Yeah, I got troubles.
224
00:09:50,810 --> 00:09:52,786
See, that's why I
want to talk to you.
225
00:09:52,810 --> 00:09:54,156
I want tell you...
Money troubles?
226
00:09:54,180 --> 00:09:55,586
Well, partly money,
but that's not all...
227
00:09:55,610 --> 00:09:57,956
Well, when you
stop to think about it,
228
00:09:57,980 --> 00:10:00,056
is anything that important?
229
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:01,980
No, I don't think so.
230
00:10:02,050 --> 00:10:04,880
Little troubles all seem to...
231
00:10:04,950 --> 00:10:06,920
work their way away.
232
00:10:06,990 --> 00:10:09,506
I realize that
now that I'm here.
233
00:10:09,530 --> 00:10:12,500
Life's problems are
pretty minor after all.
234
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,490
As long as you've got a
place to come to in the end.
235
00:10:18,370 --> 00:10:20,930
You ain't got no place.
236
00:10:21,190 --> 00:10:24,060
That's what I'm
trying to tell you, Felix.
237
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,216
You're out in the cold.
238
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:27,570
I-I, I don't understand.
239
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:28,926
You're not talking
about this plot?
240
00:10:28,950 --> 00:10:30,286
Yeah, somebody
beat you out of it.
241
00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:32,226
I didn't get down here
with the money in time,
242
00:10:32,250 --> 00:10:33,396
and somebody else
copped your grave.
243
00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:36,260
Copped my grave?!
244
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:37,600
I don't believe this.
245
00:10:37,650 --> 00:10:38,826
Well, it's true.
246
00:10:38,850 --> 00:10:40,466
So if you're gonna
die, don't die here,
247
00:10:40,490 --> 00:10:42,866
'cause they're gonna
have to move you.
248
00:10:42,890 --> 00:10:45,206
Oscar, how-how could you...?
249
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:47,106
This is like a nightmare
out of Charles Dickens.
250
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:48,156
Wh-What did you do?
251
00:10:48,180 --> 00:10:49,456
Did you just forget?
252
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,156
No, I didn't forget. A
better thing came along.
253
00:10:51,180 --> 00:10:52,630
A better thing?
254
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,590
Only it didn't come
along fast enough.
255
00:10:55,650 --> 00:10:58,166
If you want to blame anybody,
blame that lousy horse.
256
00:10:58,190 --> 00:10:59,700
You didn't do this!
257
00:10:59,780 --> 00:11:02,086
Yes, I did, and
I'm terribly sorry.
258
00:11:02,110 --> 00:11:03,840
He's sorry!
259
00:11:03,910 --> 00:11:06,840
He bets my grave on a horse,
and he tells me he's sorry!
260
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,156
Yes.
261
00:11:08,180 --> 00:11:10,780
You bet my eternal resting
place on a sweaty animal,
262
00:11:10,850 --> 00:11:12,096
and you tell me you're sorry?!
263
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,680
Yeah, I'm sorry, Felix.
264
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,016
Look, if I'd have won, you
could have had two plots.
265
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:17,456
What do I want with two plots?!
266
00:11:17,480 --> 00:11:19,606
What am I, the fat
man in a circus?!
267
00:11:19,630 --> 00:11:21,150
What do you want me to say?
268
00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:22,510
You can say this is
269
00:11:22,580 --> 00:11:25,126
the most irresponsible
thing you've ever done!
270
00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:26,500
It's outrageous!
271
00:11:26,590 --> 00:11:28,396
It's the most irresponsible
thing I've ever done.
272
00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:29,536
It's outrageous.
273
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,066
Well, you're just saying that!
274
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:33,490
Well, you told me to say it!
275
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:37,160
You could at least have
the decency to apologize.
276
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,110
I apologize, Felix.
277
00:11:39,180 --> 00:11:41,226
That's not gonna get
me back my grave, is it?
278
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:43,546
Boys, boys, please,
please, keep it down.
279
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:47,020
People are trying to rest here.
280
00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:52,470
My sinuses are killing me!
281
00:11:57,180 --> 00:11:59,710
I didn't mean it.
282
00:11:59,790 --> 00:12:03,430
See, Eddie called me up, he
told me he had a sure thing.
283
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:06,050
Now he's got me
talking to graves.
284
00:12:06,730 --> 00:12:09,870
Come on, Felix, come on out.
285
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:12,246
Now he won't even talk to me.
286
00:12:12,270 --> 00:12:15,100
Mr. Twitchell is here
from Eternal Shores.
287
00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:16,770
He's got a beautiful plot
288
00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:18,946
with a view of the George
Washington Bridge.
289
00:12:18,970 --> 00:12:21,600
You know how much you
admire George Washington.
290
00:12:21,670 --> 00:12:25,800
Tell him about our rose garden
and the Sunday organ concert.
291
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:29,720
Did you hear that, Felix?
292
00:12:29,780 --> 00:12:32,710
They promised
you a rose garden...
293
00:12:34,390 --> 00:12:36,310
and an organ concert.
294
00:12:36,370 --> 00:12:38,916
Ah, it's no use, he's
got a closed mind.
295
00:12:38,940 --> 00:12:41,116
Uh, did you tell him
about our free parking
296
00:12:41,140 --> 00:12:43,286
and the playground for children?
297
00:12:43,310 --> 00:12:45,556
The only child
around here is in there.
298
00:12:45,580 --> 00:12:47,680
I'm sorry, it's no dice.
299
00:12:47,750 --> 00:12:50,610
Well, at least accept
one of our free calendars
300
00:12:50,690 --> 00:12:53,250
to remind you of our services.
301
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,300
Hey, she's not bad.
302
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,160
Well, we like to see our
customers live while they can.
303
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:02,806
Oh, our, uh... our
phone number is on it
304
00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:04,130
if you should need us.
305
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,760
Hey, that's an interesting
place to put a phone number.
306
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,346
Good-bye.
307
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:11,650
So long, Mr. Twitchell.
308
00:13:16,310 --> 00:13:18,410
I saw that, Oscar.
309
00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:22,166
Now you come out, huh?
310
00:13:22,190 --> 00:13:23,920
I didn't come out to see you.
311
00:13:23,990 --> 00:13:25,766
I came out to get
some nourishment.
312
00:13:25,790 --> 00:13:27,566
I can't die now, thanks to you.
313
00:13:27,590 --> 00:13:30,390
For the hundredth time,
please, I apologize, Felix.
314
00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:31,766
If you'll excuse
me, Mr. Madison,
315
00:13:31,790 --> 00:13:33,336
I'd like to go to my bedroom.
316
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,006
Oh, come on, Felix,
give me a break.
317
00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:36,676
I've been running
around town for four hours.
318
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:38,876
I've got 32 nice places
for you to be buried.
319
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:40,046
I had a nice place!
320
00:13:40,070 --> 00:13:41,916
I'll never live to
see a nicer one.
321
00:13:41,940 --> 00:13:44,016
I know you did, but
these are nice, too.
322
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,816
Look, here's one with
a babbling brook. Yeah?
323
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,270
Where's the shade tree?
324
00:13:47,340 --> 00:13:49,900
I'll give you a shade tree
as a going away present.
325
00:13:49,950 --> 00:13:51,250
My coffee's getting cold.
326
00:13:51,310 --> 00:13:52,826
Oh, come on, Felix, please.
327
00:13:52,850 --> 00:13:54,126
Oh, look at this.
328
00:13:54,150 --> 00:13:56,566
Here's one with daisies
and a picket fence.
329
00:13:56,590 --> 00:13:59,966
Here's one with a view of the
Brooklyn Academy of Music.
330
00:13:59,990 --> 00:14:01,666
Oh, this one you're gonna love.
331
00:14:01,690 --> 00:14:04,766
Look, it's only a mile and a
half away from a broom factory.
332
00:14:04,790 --> 00:14:07,136
Just look at them... please.
333
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,720
Have you got one with
a view of a racetrack?
334
00:14:09,770 --> 00:14:11,176
Oh, don't be cruel, Felix.
335
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,760
If I'd have won, I'd
have bought you a vault.
336
00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:15,330
A vault is ostentatious. I...
337
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,546
What's this one?
338
00:14:16,570 --> 00:14:18,030
Why didn't you show me this?
339
00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:20,670
It's got a brook and
a tree and a view.
340
00:14:20,710 --> 00:14:23,126
Yeah, but see, it-it's
near a corner by a wall.
341
00:14:23,150 --> 00:14:25,126
You can't be over
four foot seven.
342
00:14:25,150 --> 00:14:26,426
Very funny.
343
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:29,190
No, I'm not trying to be funny.
344
00:14:29,250 --> 00:14:31,910
Hey, Felix, they could
put you in diagonally,
345
00:14:31,990 --> 00:14:34,550
or you could crouch.
346
00:14:36,860 --> 00:14:40,270
He's as much trouble
dead as he is alive.
347
00:14:48,270 --> 00:14:49,516
Hi, honey.
348
00:14:49,540 --> 00:14:50,686
Hi, honey.
349
00:14:50,710 --> 00:14:52,616
Listen, have you
found a plot yet? No.
350
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,056
Another submarine sandwich?
351
00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:55,686
No, the same submarine sandwich.
352
00:14:55,710 --> 00:14:58,156
Oscar, I was talking
to one of my patients.
353
00:14:58,180 --> 00:15:00,296
He bought a plot in
the same cemetery,
354
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:01,926
and he's willing to sell it.
355
00:15:01,950 --> 00:15:03,496
You talked him into selling it?
356
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:04,966
Well, with me as his doctor,
357
00:15:04,990 --> 00:15:06,330
he knows he's gonna live.
358
00:15:06,390 --> 00:15:07,996
Yeah, Felix won't like it. Wait!
359
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:10,206
Now wait! You haven't
even heard about it.
360
00:15:10,230 --> 00:15:12,066
I'm telling you
he won't like it.
361
00:15:12,090 --> 00:15:14,650
King Tut was easier
to bury than this guy.
362
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:17,670
Oscar, it's in the same
area that Felix had.
363
00:15:17,730 --> 00:15:19,090
It is?
364
00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:21,176
Yes. Only about five yards away.
365
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,746
You mean the same location?
366
00:15:22,770 --> 00:15:24,086
Same location. Same price?
367
00:15:24,110 --> 00:15:25,656
Same price. What do you think?
368
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,216
Do you think he'll like it?
369
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:28,756
He'll like it, he'll love it,
370
00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:29,956
he'll be crazy about it.
371
00:15:29,980 --> 00:15:31,326
Felix, wait'll you hear.
372
00:15:31,350 --> 00:15:33,196
And if he doesn't
like it, I'll kill him
373
00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:35,120
and stuff him in it anyway!
374
00:15:43,030 --> 00:15:44,166
Now are you happy?
375
00:15:44,190 --> 00:15:46,236
Have you got friends
or have you got friends?
376
00:15:46,260 --> 00:15:48,806
Come on, we'll put a deposit
down. Now just a minute.
377
00:15:48,830 --> 00:15:50,046
I-I want to look at it.
378
00:15:50,070 --> 00:15:51,440
What is there to look at?
379
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,576
It's the same view, same tree,
same dumb babbling brook.
380
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:54,846
Would you have some patience?
381
00:15:54,870 --> 00:15:57,430
After all, this is forever.
382
00:15:59,780 --> 00:16:01,756
What is he doing?
383
00:16:01,780 --> 00:16:04,340
Who knows? Practicing.
384
00:16:09,950 --> 00:16:11,230
It's just as I thought.
385
00:16:11,290 --> 00:16:12,860
It's not the same.
386
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:14,496
What's not the same? The view.
387
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,266
It's blocked by Split Carson.
388
00:16:16,290 --> 00:16:17,936
Who's Split Carson?
389
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,276
The bowling king of
Eastern Long Island.
390
00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:22,476
Well, he sure must
have loved the game.
391
00:16:22,500 --> 00:16:24,476
I never even noticed that.
392
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,616
Well, how can you
miss two bowling pins
393
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,676
sticking up in the
middle of the cemetery?
394
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:31,186
I don't want to stare at
that through all eternity.
395
00:16:31,210 --> 00:16:32,456
Come on, Felix.
396
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:33,656
You won't see anything
397
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,586
once they drop
you into the ground.
398
00:16:35,610 --> 00:16:37,986
And 204 here is under
this beautiful shade tree.
399
00:16:38,010 --> 00:16:40,570
That thing's out
in the blazing sun.
400
00:16:40,620 --> 00:16:42,156
What, you're afraid
you'll get a sunburn?
401
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:44,646
I'm thinking of the
comfort of my visitors.
402
00:16:44,670 --> 00:16:46,986
Felix, they're not
gonna be here that long.
403
00:16:47,010 --> 00:16:49,570
They're just going to drop
their flowers and leave.
404
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:51,236
It really is just as nice
405
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,406
as that one.
406
00:16:52,430 --> 00:16:53,730
No, it's not.
407
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,130
It's farther from the brook.
408
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,476
Look how low that is.
409
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,776
When it rains,
I'll be in a puddle.
410
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,480
My suit'll shrink.
411
00:17:00,550 --> 00:17:03,110
I'll bury you in a raincoat.
412
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,166
Good morning.
413
00:17:06,190 --> 00:17:07,436
Good morning. Good morning.
414
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:10,020
Oh, uh, I'm sorry
to hear about 204.
415
00:17:10,060 --> 00:17:11,706
So was I. Yeah.
416
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,546
Well, this is a nice spot here
417
00:17:13,570 --> 00:17:15,046
right next to the Captain.
418
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:16,346
Captain? Yeah.
419
00:17:16,370 --> 00:17:17,770
Ol' Captain Ed.
420
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,140
For 30 years, he
was on the Hudson.
421
00:17:21,210 --> 00:17:23,516
He ran one of them
garbage scows.
422
00:17:28,410 --> 00:17:29,690
You're burying me
423
00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:31,396
between the Captain
of a garbage scow
424
00:17:31,420 --> 00:17:33,726
and the king of bowling.
425
00:17:33,750 --> 00:17:35,936
Over here I was next
to a concert cellist.
426
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,696
He's on the guided
tour, everything.
427
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:40,280
We'll dig a tunnel,
you can visit.
428
00:17:41,990 --> 00:17:43,386
Well, I guess we
could look further,
429
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:44,576
Felix.
430
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:45,746
No, no, no, I...
431
00:17:45,770 --> 00:17:46,946
You've gone to enough trouble.
432
00:17:46,970 --> 00:17:48,126
I'll take it. NANCY: No.
433
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,366
Now you don't have to.
434
00:17:49,390 --> 00:17:50,626
No, no, it's all right.
435
00:17:50,650 --> 00:17:52,726
It's not exactly
what I had in mind,
436
00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:54,120
but it's good enough.
437
00:17:54,190 --> 00:17:55,996
I guess I'm lucky
to have anything.
438
00:17:56,020 --> 00:17:57,436
I appreciate that, Felix.
439
00:17:57,460 --> 00:18:00,160
I know how you...
440
00:18:00,230 --> 00:18:01,376
Well, honey, that's settled.
441
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,046
At least he'll
take it. No, no, no.
442
00:18:03,070 --> 00:18:05,306
He said he would. You
don't know him like I do.
443
00:18:05,330 --> 00:18:07,016
Every time he sees
a babbling brook,
444
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,370
he'll start babbling.
445
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:09,946
Every time he hears organ music,
446
00:18:09,970 --> 00:18:11,986
he'll start humming
"My Blue Heaven."
447
00:18:12,010 --> 00:18:13,316
And whenever he sniffles,
448
00:18:13,340 --> 00:18:15,456
he'll remind me how I
loused up his eternity.
449
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,286
Oh, he'll forget all about it.
450
00:18:17,310 --> 00:18:18,456
Not him. Peck! Peck! Peck!
451
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:20,026
It's like living with a chicken.
452
00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:21,226
Oh!
453
00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:23,096
I think I'll get back
to the hospital.
454
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:24,266
Things are happier there.
455
00:18:24,290 --> 00:18:26,166
No, honey, do me
a favor, will you?
456
00:18:26,190 --> 00:18:27,596
Take Felix back
to the apartment.
457
00:18:27,620 --> 00:18:28,996
I got an idea. What?
458
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,580
Just do it, will you, honey?
Please, no questions.
459
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,960
"Split Carson, beloved husband,
460
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,340
"devoted father,
461
00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:47,580
never threw a gutter ball."
462
00:18:51,850 --> 00:18:54,196
Just step into my
office and have a seat.
463
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,260
Thank you, thank you.
464
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,880
Now then, what can I do for you?
465
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,966
Well, I want to
ask about a plot.
466
00:19:00,990 --> 00:19:02,290
Ah, yes.
467
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,920
Uh, for yourself or a loved one?
468
00:19:07,300 --> 00:19:09,230
Believe me, neither.
469
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:11,706
I just want to know
who bought plot 204.
470
00:19:11,730 --> 00:19:13,930
Oh, I'm sorry, sir,
471
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:15,976
but that's privileged
information.
472
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,800
Privileged for me
and this little box.
473
00:19:18,870 --> 00:19:21,106
We don't give that
out to the public.
474
00:19:21,130 --> 00:19:22,256
Well, I can appreciate that,
475
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:24,156
but I want to help
my friend, Felix Unger.
476
00:19:24,180 --> 00:19:26,036
Oh, yes, Mr. Unger.
Very nice man.
477
00:19:26,060 --> 00:19:27,410
Sorry to lose him.
478
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,556
But you don't have to lose
him. Just give me the name.
479
00:19:29,580 --> 00:19:32,950
I'm sorry, sir, but
it's a matter of ethics.
480
00:19:33,020 --> 00:19:35,870
Besides, the owner may be
leaving this earth very soon.
481
00:19:35,940 --> 00:19:37,206
Well, maybe he'd like
482
00:19:37,230 --> 00:19:39,136
to make a little
profit before he goes.
483
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:41,740
I mean, he paid 500
for it. I'll give him 750.
484
00:19:41,810 --> 00:19:43,946
But you couldn't
give him anything
485
00:19:43,970 --> 00:19:45,990
if you didn't have his name.
486
00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:47,196
Okay, okay, I'll double it.
487
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:48,996
I'll give him
$1,000 for the plot.
488
00:19:49,020 --> 00:19:50,196
No.
489
00:19:50,220 --> 00:19:51,416
You'll give him 750
490
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,996
for the plot. Oh, thank you.
491
00:19:53,020 --> 00:19:55,800
And you'll give me
250 for his name.
492
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,870
But, that is... I know,
493
00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:02,200
but the cemetery
game is a jungle.
494
00:20:04,350 --> 00:20:05,766
Okay, you got a deal.
495
00:20:05,790 --> 00:20:07,036
And you've got a name.
496
00:20:07,060 --> 00:20:09,620
And you've got a nerve!
497
00:20:23,510 --> 00:20:26,550
I think we're too late.
498
00:20:26,610 --> 00:20:28,010
Maybe we better go.
499
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,256
Poor man.
500
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,326
What are you whispering about?
501
00:20:31,350 --> 00:20:33,820
Mr. Bengstrom?
502
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,956
We thought you might be...
503
00:20:35,980 --> 00:20:37,280
asleep.
504
00:20:37,350 --> 00:20:39,496
I was, but that
whispering woke me up.
505
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:41,850
Are you from the oxygen company?
506
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,916
No, no, no. We just
came from Angel Haven.
507
00:20:43,940 --> 00:20:46,840
Angel... Oh, they do care!
508
00:20:48,550 --> 00:20:51,110
Uh, would you shut the
door, please? There's a draft.
509
00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:54,996
You came for my measurements?
510
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:56,296
Measurements?
511
00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,136
No, Angel Haven
gave us your name.
512
00:20:58,160 --> 00:20:59,396
We don't work there.
513
00:20:59,420 --> 00:21:00,700
Oh. Oh.
514
00:21:00,730 --> 00:21:03,036
Did you wipe your feet
before you came in?
515
00:21:03,060 --> 00:21:04,236
I can't stand dirt. Yes.
516
00:21:04,260 --> 00:21:05,906
Oh, yeah, sure,
we wiped our feet.
517
00:21:05,930 --> 00:21:07,576
You didn't bring
any pollen, did you?
518
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,306
I've got hay fever. No, no, no.
519
00:21:09,330 --> 00:21:11,580
Oh, good, good.
520
00:21:13,390 --> 00:21:15,396
I can't ask him.
521
00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:19,206
Why? What's the difference?
I wish you wouldn't whisper.
522
00:21:19,230 --> 00:21:20,600
I'm...
523
00:21:20,660 --> 00:21:23,220
I'm-I'm also paranoid.
524
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,360
We're sorry.
525
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,710
What do you gentlemen want?
526
00:21:28,770 --> 00:21:30,050
It-It... It's nothing.
527
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:31,266
It's-It's nothing.
528
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,066
Well, you must have
come for something.
529
00:21:33,090 --> 00:21:35,006
Well, as a matter
of fact... Be tactful.
530
00:21:35,030 --> 00:21:36,430
I will be.
531
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:37,906
We want to buy your grave.
532
00:21:37,930 --> 00:21:39,860
My grave?!
533
00:21:41,580 --> 00:21:43,796
Forget it. I'm not
selling my grave.
534
00:21:43,820 --> 00:21:46,660
Some other jerk tried
to beat me out of it,
535
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,896
but he didn't get his
deposit in on time.
536
00:21:48,920 --> 00:21:51,690
Oh, having that grave
537
00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,320
is the only thing
that keeps me going.
538
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,270
It's stuffy in here.
539
00:21:56,330 --> 00:21:58,890
No offense intended,
I assure you.
540
00:22:01,690 --> 00:22:04,010
Does he seem familiar to you?
541
00:22:04,070 --> 00:22:07,240
No. Never saw him before.
542
00:22:07,310 --> 00:22:09,386
No, I mean, does he
remind you of anybody?
543
00:22:09,410 --> 00:22:13,120
No.
544
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,970
If you don't mind my
asking, Mr. Bengstrom,
545
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,940
what... what is it you have?
546
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,300
What's wrong with you?
547
00:22:20,370 --> 00:22:22,436
Everything. You
name it, I've got it.
548
00:22:22,460 --> 00:22:25,750
Well, what do the doctors say?
549
00:22:25,810 --> 00:22:28,136
Doctors? Ha! What do they know?
550
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:30,276
They say there's
nothing wrong with me.
551
00:22:30,300 --> 00:22:31,900
That shows you what they know.
552
00:22:31,970 --> 00:22:33,146
Yeah, well, maybe they're right.
553
00:22:33,170 --> 00:22:34,646
Maybe there isn't
anything wrong with you.
554
00:22:34,670 --> 00:22:37,890
Are you joking?
555
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,436
With all the
disease in this world,
556
00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:42,306
with the millions
and billions of germs
557
00:22:42,330 --> 00:22:45,070
right here in this room,
how could I be healthy?
558
00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:46,630
I mean, what are my odds?
559
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:50,310
Are you sure he doesn't
remind you of somebody?
560
00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,910
I had an uncle
561
00:22:52,970 --> 00:22:55,530
who had exactly that coloring
just before he passed away.
562
00:22:55,570 --> 00:22:58,600
No, Felix. He reminds me of you.
563
00:23:00,210 --> 00:23:02,026
You gentlemen will
have to excuse me,
564
00:23:02,050 --> 00:23:04,610
'cause I've got to
go to the bathroom.
565
00:23:04,650 --> 00:23:05,926
May we help you?
566
00:23:05,950 --> 00:23:07,880
Help? No. Why?
567
00:23:07,950 --> 00:23:09,216
You're limping.
568
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:10,590
I am?
569
00:23:10,660 --> 00:23:13,950
You see? I predicted that!
570
00:23:16,060 --> 00:23:17,340
Come on, will you, Felix?
571
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:18,936
He's got 204, you got 212.
572
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,776
Try to switch. Let him keep it.
573
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,646
Let him use it in good health.
574
00:23:22,670 --> 00:23:23,950
What?
575
00:23:23,990 --> 00:23:25,360
I mean it.
576
00:23:25,420 --> 00:23:26,700
Angel Haven can wait.
577
00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:28,730
Hello life.
578
00:23:30,990 --> 00:23:33,550
Do I really remind you of that?
579
00:23:47,130 --> 00:23:49,050
Oscar,
580
00:23:49,110 --> 00:23:51,076
how can you stand to be inside
581
00:23:51,100 --> 00:23:52,570
on a day like today?
582
00:23:52,630 --> 00:23:54,490
It's such a beautiful day.
583
00:23:54,570 --> 00:23:57,130
The sky is blue, the
clouds are billowing,
584
00:23:57,170 --> 00:23:59,246
there's a feeling
of spring in the air.
585
00:23:59,270 --> 00:24:01,716
It's no time to be obsessed
with graves and cemeteries.
586
00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:03,030
That's depressing.
587
00:24:03,110 --> 00:24:04,980
Guess what I bought?
588
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,970
A giant ant colony?
589
00:24:07,050 --> 00:24:08,520
No.
590
00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:10,540
Look.
591
00:24:13,750 --> 00:24:15,380
What's that?
592
00:24:15,450 --> 00:24:17,680
Matching funeral urns.
593
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,160
Matching...?
594
00:24:19,220 --> 00:24:21,036
One for you, one for me, yeah.
595
00:24:21,060 --> 00:24:22,806
And in case you
should marry Nancy,
596
00:24:22,830 --> 00:24:25,336
or I go back with
Gloria, I can get more.
597
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,130
They're open stock.
598
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,516
Aren't they wonderful?
So modern and neat.
599
00:24:29,540 --> 00:24:31,276
That's what I like
best, the neatness.
600
00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:32,600
Which one is yours?
601
00:24:32,670 --> 00:24:34,770
That one.
602
00:24:39,810 --> 00:24:41,770
That's for my ashes!
603
00:24:41,850 --> 00:24:44,850
I'm giving you a head start.
39185
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.