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1
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:04,576
Well, so much for chow.
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:05,970
It was marvelous, Oscar.
3
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,616
Doctor. Mmm.
4
00:00:07,640 --> 00:00:09,516
Why don't you sit
right over here, darling.
5
00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:10,886
Have a little after dinner mint.
6
00:00:10,910 --> 00:00:12,126
Thank you.
7
00:00:12,150 --> 00:00:15,350
Sit, please, because now
the piéce de résistance.
8
00:00:15,420 --> 00:00:17,196
Look at that. Oh!
9
00:00:17,220 --> 00:00:18,500
Oh!
10
00:00:18,550 --> 00:00:19,950
Champagne!
11
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,096
Well, it ain't seltzer, honey.
12
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,296
Oh, Oscar, I'm thrilled!
13
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:23,536
How many times do you celebrate
14
00:00:23,560 --> 00:00:25,086
your first anniversary,
huh? Oh, Oscar.
15
00:00:25,110 --> 00:00:27,210
You are so sweet.
16
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,656
Well, nothing's too good
for my lady doctor girlfriend.
17
00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,156
Do you know what
my idea of a sadist is?
18
00:00:32,180 --> 00:00:34,176
What? The guy who
puts these corks in.
19
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:35,816
Oh!
20
00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:37,816
Look at that. I
spilled it all over.
21
00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:38,886
It doesn't matter, honey.
22
00:00:38,910 --> 00:00:40,190
It'll taste fine.
23
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,086
Yeah, but look at all
that cork floating around.
24
00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:43,516
Looks like a midget shipwreck.
25
00:00:43,540 --> 00:00:45,786
It doesn't matter... pour, pour.
26
00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:48,426
You know, this wouldn't have
happened if it wasn't for Felix.
27
00:00:48,450 --> 00:00:49,706
Felix? How?
28
00:00:49,730 --> 00:00:51,796
Well, I went out to buy
a bottle of champagne...
29
00:00:51,820 --> 00:00:53,420
Canadian, good stuff.
30
00:00:53,490 --> 00:00:55,136
Felix said it wasn't
good enough.
31
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,196
It was a bad year.
32
00:00:56,220 --> 00:00:57,286
He made me run out
33
00:00:57,310 --> 00:00:59,516
and buy one from
a good year, 1964.
34
00:00:59,540 --> 00:01:02,610
It may have been a good year
for champagne but not for cork.
35
00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,980
Oscar... Oscar.
36
00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:06,456
What? We're doing it again.
37
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:07,696
Doing what again, honey?
38
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,326
Spending another
evening together
39
00:01:09,350 --> 00:01:10,926
with you complaining
about Felix.
40
00:01:10,950 --> 00:01:12,096
You're absolutely right, honey,
41
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:13,536
and I'm not going to do it.
42
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:14,986
We've got the whole
evening to ourselves.
43
00:01:15,010 --> 00:01:16,860
Mr. Clean is at the opera,
44
00:01:16,930 --> 00:01:18,906
and he won't be
home till midnight.
45
00:01:18,930 --> 00:01:20,026
To us.
46
00:01:20,050 --> 00:01:21,330
To us.
47
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,556
Oh, yeah.
48
00:01:23,580 --> 00:01:25,580
Mmm.
49
00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:27,980
Mm-hmm.
50
00:01:32,110 --> 00:01:34,250
Hi.
51
00:01:40,420 --> 00:01:43,520
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
52
00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:45,660
from his place of residence.
53
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,350
That request came from his wife.
54
00:01:48,430 --> 00:01:50,806
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
55
00:01:50,830 --> 00:01:54,270
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
56
00:01:54,330 --> 00:01:56,230
With nowhere else to go,
57
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:59,050
he appeared at the home
of his friend, Oscar Madison.
58
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,366
Several years earlier,
59
00:02:00,390 --> 00:02:01,966
Madison's wife
had thrown him out,
60
00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:04,640
requesting that he never return.
61
00:02:04,710 --> 00:02:07,236
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
62
00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,820
without driving
each other crazy?
63
00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:41,850
♪ ♪
64
00:02:57,310 --> 00:03:00,470
The Odd Couple was filmed
in front of a live audience.
65
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,570
Why?
66
00:03:03,630 --> 00:03:05,450
Why?!
67
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,810
Why what?
68
00:03:06,870 --> 00:03:08,250
Why did you come home so early?
69
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:09,496
You weren't due
back till midnight.
70
00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,150
Forgive me.
71
00:03:11,220 --> 00:03:13,220
I wasn't feeling well.
72
00:03:13,290 --> 00:03:15,576
I've got this tickle in
the back of my throat,
73
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:18,730
and... I was feeling
somewhat flushed.
74
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,900
We planned a
nice, quiet evening.
75
00:03:21,970 --> 00:03:23,176
You have to tickle and flush.
76
00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,816
Let me take a
look at your throat.
77
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,046
Don't worry. No, no.
78
00:03:26,070 --> 00:03:27,786
You're off duty. I'm all right.
79
00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:29,436
Well, if you're all right,
why did you come home?
80
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:31,260
Forgive me.
81
00:03:31,330 --> 00:03:33,636
I'm sure I'm only
being hypochondriacal,
82
00:03:33,660 --> 00:03:36,930
but I know that a
saltwater gargle is in order.
83
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,276
I'll be in my room.
84
00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:39,600
I won't bother you.
85
00:03:39,670 --> 00:03:40,876
Don't worry about me.
86
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:42,216
You won't know I'm...
87
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:43,486
What? What's that?
88
00:03:43,510 --> 00:03:45,486
Champagne on the carpet?
89
00:03:45,510 --> 00:03:47,486
I'll know you're here, Felix.
90
00:03:47,510 --> 00:03:48,686
You're right. I'm sorry.
91
00:03:48,710 --> 00:03:49,756
Forgive me.
92
00:03:49,780 --> 00:03:50,986
I'll be in my room.
93
00:03:51,010 --> 00:03:52,256
Enjoy yourselves.
94
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,526
Happy anniversary.
95
00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:54,826
Happy for both of
you. Thank you, Felix.
96
00:03:54,850 --> 00:03:57,266
I'm happy for both
of you. Thank you.
97
00:03:57,290 --> 00:03:58,396
Do you see that?
98
00:03:58,420 --> 00:03:59,566
Do you believe this man?
99
00:03:59,590 --> 00:04:02,350
Now, Oscar, would you
please sit and forget it.
100
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:03,750
And get back to us.
101
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,326
All right, honey. Okay.
102
00:04:05,350 --> 00:04:07,056
To us. Mm-hmm.
103
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,726
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:20,830 --> 00:04:22,976
Do you happen to know
how many years you get
105
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,256
for drowning a man
with his own mouthwash?
106
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,030
Oscar, please kiss me.
107
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,030
I'm sorry.
108
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,770
Do you know
where the aspirin is?
109
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,716
How are you feeling?
110
00:04:34,740 --> 00:04:37,056
My throat still has that tickle.
111
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,426
I'd like to scratch it for you.
112
00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:40,586
You do feel feverish.
113
00:04:40,610 --> 00:04:41,726
Oscar, where's a thermometer?
114
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:42,876
I don't know, honey.
115
00:04:42,900 --> 00:04:44,456
I'm only a tenant
here, not a pharmacist.
116
00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:45,746
What does that remark mean?
117
00:04:45,770 --> 00:04:47,196
I'll tell you
Mr. Tickle and Flush,
118
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,036
you come in here...
Oscar! Oscar! Oscar!
119
00:04:49,060 --> 00:04:50,790
Now, he isn't feeling well.
120
00:04:50,860 --> 00:04:53,266
Please get me a
thermometer and two aspirin.
121
00:04:53,290 --> 00:04:55,190
Felix, you sit right down.
122
00:04:55,260 --> 00:04:56,706
Thank you.
123
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:58,136
This what he
served for dinner...
124
00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,776
Red wine and fish sticks?
125
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,430
Open.
126
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:02,960
Aah.
127
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:06,640
I'm so sorry to interrupt
your anniversary.
128
00:05:06,710 --> 00:05:08,350
Oh, it's no trouble.
129
00:05:08,410 --> 00:05:10,180
Thank you. You're nice.
130
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:12,386
It's our anniversary,
too, you know that?
131
00:05:12,410 --> 00:05:14,126
One year ago tonight,
you were treating me.
132
00:05:14,150 --> 00:05:15,656
That's right.
133
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,726
You had the flu, and
I made the house call
134
00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:20,196
and met Oscar a
year ago tonight. Aah.
135
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,966
Thermometer and two aspirin.
136
00:05:21,990 --> 00:05:24,036
Did you remember to wash
the thermometer off with alcohol
137
00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:25,410
and dry it with sterile cotton?
138
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,700
No, I spit-shined it and used
a T-shirt from the laundry.
139
00:05:30,780 --> 00:05:32,280
Open!
140
00:05:32,350 --> 00:05:34,126
I know he's joking,
but I can't put the thing
141
00:05:34,150 --> 00:05:36,396
in my mouth when
he says things like that.
142
00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:37,820
I'll do it myself.
143
00:05:37,890 --> 00:05:38,966
Don't worry about me.
144
00:05:38,990 --> 00:05:40,066
I'll be all right.
145
00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,166
I'll be in my room.
146
00:05:41,190 --> 00:05:42,206
Forgive me.
147
00:05:42,230 --> 00:05:43,560
Enjoy.
148
00:05:43,630 --> 00:05:44,930
I'm happy for both of you.
149
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,930
Have a happy anniversary.
150
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,170
Why me? Why me?
151
00:05:50,230 --> 00:05:52,216
Eight million divorced
men in New York.
152
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,840
I end up with... Dinah Shore.
153
00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:57,146
Oscar.
154
00:05:57,170 --> 00:05:58,186
All right, honey. Yeah.
155
00:05:58,210 --> 00:05:59,816
We'll get back to
the way we were.
156
00:05:59,840 --> 00:06:01,286
We'll forget...
Here you go, honey.
157
00:06:01,310 --> 00:06:02,756
Oscar, it's not going to work.
158
00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:04,060
I'd better go.
159
00:06:04,110 --> 00:06:05,296
Why go? Why?
160
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,876
Because you are
very upset, Oscar.
161
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,246
I don't like to be
kissed with hatred.
162
00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,070
Oh, honey.
163
00:06:12,140 --> 00:06:14,136
Don't let him ruin
another evening for me.
164
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:15,666
Oscar, I don't like to say this,
165
00:06:15,690 --> 00:06:17,716
but Felix didn't ruin
your evening, you did.
166
00:06:17,740 --> 00:06:18,756
How can you say that?
167
00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:20,136
You were here,
you saw what he did.
168
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:21,776
That's just my point.
169
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,046
He didn't do anything.
170
00:06:23,070 --> 00:06:24,816
You overreacted to him tonight.
171
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:25,770
Tonight?
172
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,346
It's every night, every day.
173
00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:29,486
He lives inside me
like a tapeworm,
174
00:06:29,510 --> 00:06:32,016
eating away my nerve endings.
175
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,616
Gnawing, always gnawing,
176
00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:34,816
always gnawing!
177
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:35,956
Honey, I know,
178
00:06:35,980 --> 00:06:38,540
I can feel the tension
when you hug me.
179
00:06:38,580 --> 00:06:41,106
Your stomach feels
like a basketball.
180
00:06:41,130 --> 00:06:44,000
Oscar, you could have
a little more tolerance.
181
00:06:44,050 --> 00:06:45,636
Tolerance? He's alive, isn't he?
182
00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:46,836
That's being tolerant.
183
00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:49,206
All I'm asking you
to do for yourself
184
00:06:49,230 --> 00:06:52,970
and for us is just to be a
little nice to Felix, Oscar.
185
00:06:53,030 --> 00:06:55,800
Just try to get along
with him, make an effort.
186
00:06:55,870 --> 00:06:58,570
Then, maybe we can
deflate that basketball a little.
187
00:06:58,630 --> 00:06:59,746
I don't know, honey.
188
00:06:59,770 --> 00:07:01,070
Try.
189
00:07:01,140 --> 00:07:02,510
Is that a bribe?
190
00:07:02,570 --> 00:07:03,586
No.
191
00:07:03,610 --> 00:07:04,910
That was love.
192
00:07:04,980 --> 00:07:06,480
This one's a bribe.
193
00:07:06,540 --> 00:07:08,016
Good news, kids.
194
00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:10,440
It's only 99.
195
00:07:10,510 --> 00:07:13,310
I can knock that
with a night's sleep.
196
00:07:13,380 --> 00:07:16,980
My stomach is dribbling
against my belly button.
197
00:07:17,050 --> 00:07:18,850
Tolerance.
198
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,066
Yeah.
199
00:07:20,090 --> 00:07:21,936
Honey, you want to
bribe me some more? No.
200
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,466
Goodnight, darling. All right.
201
00:07:23,490 --> 00:07:24,636
Tolerance. I know.
202
00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:27,076
I'll be captain of the
Olympic Tolerance Team.
203
00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:28,700
Bye, honey.
204
00:07:28,770 --> 00:07:29,906
I love you.
205
00:07:29,930 --> 00:07:31,916
Oscar. What? What?
206
00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:35,470
Is it all right if I
shower first tomorrow?
207
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:39,780
Positively no... reason
why you can't, Felix.
208
00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:42,570
Thanks, Osc.
209
00:07:42,650 --> 00:07:44,926
Happy anniversary, you two.
210
00:07:44,950 --> 00:07:47,420
Oh, thank you, Fel.
211
00:07:58,040 --> 00:08:00,756
Good morning. Good
morning, Felix, how are you?
212
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:01,956
I feel wonderful. Great!
213
00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:03,226
Listen, I must tell you
214
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,596
that I'm genuinely
sorry about last night.
215
00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:06,666
Will you forget it, buddy.
216
00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:07,766
It was nothing!
217
00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:08,720
What are you doing?
218
00:08:08,790 --> 00:08:10,066
I'm making breakfast.
219
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:13,260
Well, that's, that's
very, very nice of you,
220
00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:15,336
but I can make
breakfast as usual. No.
221
00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,206
You always take care
of me when I'm sick.
222
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,546
You put my mother to shame.
223
00:08:18,570 --> 00:08:21,006
The least I can do is take
care of you when you're sick.
224
00:08:21,030 --> 00:08:22,416
But I feel perfectly
fine this morning,
225
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,376
except for my
normal sinus agony.
226
00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:27,146
Your orange juice, sir. Ah.
227
00:08:27,170 --> 00:08:28,886
Did you remember
to remove the pits?
228
00:08:28,910 --> 00:08:29,850
I think so, Felix.
229
00:08:29,910 --> 00:08:32,470
I don't like pits in my juice.
230
00:08:32,630 --> 00:08:33,806
Mm-mm.
231
00:08:33,830 --> 00:08:35,476
Mm-mm? Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
232
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,676
Mm what? Pit.
233
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:37,896
Pit.
234
00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:39,200
Where? Where?
235
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:40,296
There's a pit, there's a pit.
236
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,250
Pits. Ooh. Uh...
237
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,336
They must have got passed me.
238
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:43,596
You know how pits
are. Very sneaky.
239
00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:44,950
That's all right.
240
00:08:45,030 --> 00:08:46,360
I don't mind.
241
00:08:46,430 --> 00:08:49,200
I appreciate the effort required
242
00:08:49,260 --> 00:08:50,876
for you to make me orange juice.
243
00:08:50,900 --> 00:08:51,830
Good try.
244
00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:52,840
Thank you, Felix.
245
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,876
But if you can't do a job well,
246
00:08:54,900 --> 00:08:58,000
don't do it all.
247
00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:00,780
I don't like pits in my juice.
248
00:09:00,860 --> 00:09:02,406
You're right, Felix... When
you're right, you're right.
249
00:09:02,430 --> 00:09:04,390
I mean, the man's right.
What are you going to do?
250
00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:06,776
Oh, that's my cue. What?
251
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:07,836
What now?
252
00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:09,160
Your eggs, Felix.
253
00:09:09,230 --> 00:09:10,906
Exactly the way you like them.
254
00:09:10,930 --> 00:09:13,480
Without pits, I hope.
255
00:09:13,540 --> 00:09:16,086
But seriously,
Oscar, I'm stunned
256
00:09:16,110 --> 00:09:17,580
by your thoughtfulness.
257
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,140
It's my pleasure.
258
00:09:19,210 --> 00:09:20,880
Oh, two-minute egg, huh?
259
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,890
Exactly two minutes.
260
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,946
I like my eggs three minutes.
261
00:09:24,970 --> 00:09:26,946
Two minutes, three minutes,
what's the difference?
262
00:09:26,970 --> 00:09:28,606
The difference is with
a three-minute egg
263
00:09:28,630 --> 00:09:29,910
you can eat with a fork.
264
00:09:29,940 --> 00:09:32,500
These, you'd have to
sip through a straw. Look.
265
00:09:34,190 --> 00:09:38,400
But... another very good try.
266
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,530
Thank you, Felix.
267
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,160
I needed that pat on the back.
268
00:09:53,630 --> 00:09:54,806
Hi, buddy.
269
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:55,876
Cleaning day today.
270
00:09:55,900 --> 00:09:57,136
You did a good job, buddy.
271
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,490
How you feel?
272
00:09:58,560 --> 00:09:59,976
Fine. Good.
273
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,730
Hey, I'm hungry as a bear.
274
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,076
I'll bet you got one of your
Felix Unger gourmet specials.
275
00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:05,246
What time is dinner?
276
00:10:05,270 --> 00:10:06,546
Huh!
277
00:10:06,570 --> 00:10:08,546
Why are you sitting there?
278
00:10:08,570 --> 00:10:10,040
Guess.
279
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,556
You're tired from cleaning.
280
00:10:11,580 --> 00:10:12,736
No.
281
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:13,936
You're resting. No.
282
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,240
Why?
283
00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:22,386
Why are you doing that
with your eyes? What is that?
284
00:10:22,410 --> 00:10:23,760
What do you see in my lap?
285
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,220
Pot.
286
00:10:26,330 --> 00:10:28,260
Open it!
287
00:10:28,330 --> 00:10:31,030
What color do you see in there?
288
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,740
Black.
289
00:10:32,830 --> 00:10:34,006
What do you think it is?
290
00:10:34,030 --> 00:10:36,710
Well, it looks like some
sort of black meat to me.
291
00:10:36,790 --> 00:10:39,266
This is the rump roast I
prepared for your dinner.
292
00:10:39,290 --> 00:10:41,166
It was ready an
hour and a half ago.
293
00:10:41,190 --> 00:10:42,690
I'm sorry, Felix,
294
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,066
but the Hockey
Championship Games
295
00:10:44,090 --> 00:10:45,536
went into double overtime.
296
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:47,276
If you knew you
were going to be late,
297
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:48,476
why didn't you call me?
298
00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:49,776
Well, I'm sorry, Felix.
299
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,806
I meant to call you, but
the game got so exciting,
300
00:10:51,830 --> 00:10:53,046
I didn't know what to do.
301
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:55,740
This is a six-dollar rump
roast lying here dead.
302
00:10:57,310 --> 00:11:00,800
I just, I just don't
understand you anymore.
303
00:11:00,860 --> 00:11:04,260
I've just stopped acting
crazy over little things.
304
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:07,160
Nancy convinced me
that I overreact to you
305
00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:09,426
and you're probably
right 90% of the time.
306
00:11:09,450 --> 00:11:11,460
I'll accept that.
307
00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:14,110
She said I should
be nice to you,
308
00:11:14,170 --> 00:11:16,750
bend a little, you know,
not get so mad at you.
309
00:11:16,830 --> 00:11:18,430
I find that a very mature
310
00:11:18,490 --> 00:11:19,906
and intelligent attitude.
311
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:20,870
Well, it works.
312
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,376
Like tonight when
you were whining
313
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,946
about your dead rump roast.
314
00:11:23,970 --> 00:11:26,176
I tried to understand
how you felt,
315
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,616
and as a result, you
didn't annoy me so much.
316
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,580
I annoy you?
317
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,090
Make that 91%, Oscar.
318
00:11:35,930 --> 00:11:38,200
How did I annoy you?
319
00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:40,676
By coming home an
hour and a half late?
320
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,600
By forgetting to call
321
00:11:42,670 --> 00:11:44,296
and saying I was
going to be late?
322
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:46,880
Is that how I
annoyed you, Oscar?
323
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,210
I think you're on to something
with this new attitude of yours.
324
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,820
But instead of working at
not being annoyed at me,
325
00:11:55,880 --> 00:11:58,830
you should stop
being annoying to me.
326
00:11:59,950 --> 00:12:01,700
There's your project.
327
00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:04,960
I'll get a saw and cut the meat.
328
00:12:05,010 --> 00:12:07,830
I don't forgive you...
329
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:10,850
but I know you're
trying, and I like that.
330
00:12:10,910 --> 00:12:13,470
Now go wash your hands and face.
331
00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:18,326
Don't be annoyed at me.
332
00:12:18,350 --> 00:12:20,820
Stop being annoying to me.
333
00:12:20,890 --> 00:12:23,090
I'd like to annoy him.
334
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,870
Now, I've got two
basketballs and a hockey puck.
335
00:12:27,260 --> 00:12:28,606
Hey, Oscar?
336
00:12:28,630 --> 00:12:29,676
What?!
337
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,540
Mr. 91% right.
338
00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:35,020
A very interesting article
in this magazine, Oscar.
339
00:12:35,090 --> 00:12:37,290
It's about Bolivian chickens.
340
00:12:38,370 --> 00:12:40,370
No kidding!
341
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:43,370
Look at what he's hitting
me with... Bolivian chickens.
342
00:12:43,450 --> 00:12:45,050
You got to save it for me.
343
00:12:45,110 --> 00:12:46,946
I'll stick it in your
orange juice.
344
00:12:46,970 --> 00:12:49,570
Says they're growing
them as big as turkeys.
345
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,610
You're kidding!
346
00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:55,370
Who cares about Bolivian...
347
00:12:55,430 --> 00:12:59,260
Those eggs you made for me
this morning were sure turkeys.
348
00:13:01,820 --> 00:13:04,490
That's a joke, Oscar.
349
00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,910
What?!
350
00:13:10,970 --> 00:13:14,200
That's a laugh, Felix.
351
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,806
You don't mind when
I rib you, do you, Osc?
352
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:20,430
No, I love a good ribbing, Fel.
353
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:24,730
I can't help this crazy
sense of humor of mine.
354
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,760
Good night, pal.
355
00:13:29,830 --> 00:13:31,760
Good night, Felix.
356
00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:44,160
I don't like pits, pits, pits,
357
00:13:44,220 --> 00:13:48,990
in my juice, juice, juice.
358
00:13:49,060 --> 00:13:54,990
I don't like pits, pits, pits,
359
00:13:55,070 --> 00:13:58,110
in my juice, juice, juice.
360
00:13:58,150 --> 00:14:02,150
Pits, pits, pits,
361
00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:07,090
in my juice, juice, juice.
362
00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:09,190
Pits, pits, pits.
363
00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:33,446
Well, good morning, buddy.
364
00:14:33,470 --> 00:14:36,970
Good morning.
365
00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,526
Sit down, you don't
need a reservation.
366
00:14:39,550 --> 00:14:42,110
Coffee's made, it's in the pot.
367
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:48,226
You're up kind of
early, aren't you?
368
00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:50,810
I got to get my
column in by 9:00.
369
00:14:54,040 --> 00:14:55,600
What are you staring at?
370
00:14:56,710 --> 00:14:59,670
I don't know.
371
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,016
Did you sleep well? Sleep well.
372
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:04,716
Felix, if being unconscious
373
00:15:04,740 --> 00:15:06,916
means sleeping
well, I slept great.
374
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:09,086
I really got to go to work.
375
00:15:09,110 --> 00:15:12,950
What's the matter? Why are
you so jumpy? I don't know.
376
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,250
I had a terrible dream.
377
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,890
Yeah? The same one where
you're trapped in a sewer barefoot?
378
00:15:23,460 --> 00:15:25,660
No. It was worse than that.
379
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:26,966
You were in this one.
380
00:15:26,990 --> 00:15:28,536
Oh, really? Tell
me about it, Felix.
381
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,206
But I'm in a hurry...
Make it fast, will you?
382
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:33,276
I-I-I dreamed that you came
into my room, Mm-hmm.
383
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:37,840
And you screamed
some terrible obscenities,
384
00:15:37,900 --> 00:15:40,246
and then you hit
me over the head
385
00:15:40,270 --> 00:15:42,830
with a blunt object
of some kind.
386
00:15:42,910 --> 00:15:46,326
It's not as good as the one
in the sewer, but it's okay.
387
00:15:46,350 --> 00:15:48,186
It didn't seem like a dream.
388
00:15:48,210 --> 00:15:50,296
It was so real, when I woke up
389
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,966
I went in your room to
see if you were asleep.
390
00:15:51,990 --> 00:15:53,770
You came into my room?
391
00:15:53,850 --> 00:15:55,910
That's how frightening it was.
392
00:15:55,990 --> 00:15:58,630
Felix, I'd like to stay
here and analyze
393
00:15:58,690 --> 00:16:00,736
your dream, but
I'm really in a hurry.
394
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,576
Listen, if it'll make
you feel any better,
395
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:05,200
tonight you can dream you
came into my room and you hit me.
396
00:16:05,260 --> 00:16:07,006
I left my dirty
laundry on the bed.
397
00:16:07,030 --> 00:16:10,870
Is it in the pillowcase?
Yeah. All the stuff that's stiff.
398
00:16:14,310 --> 00:16:16,250
Ugh!
399
00:16:31,610 --> 00:16:33,480
I've got the evidence, look.
400
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:39,550
Ralph Nader has
something to do with this?
401
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:41,896
He rolls up the
magazine and hits me.
402
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,026
This is the weapon.
403
00:16:43,050 --> 00:16:45,166
Yeah, but are you
sure it's Oscar?
404
00:16:45,190 --> 00:16:47,536
Well, who else sleeps here?
405
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,500
Well, that's none of
my business, Felix.
406
00:16:51,830 --> 00:16:53,306
It was Oscar; I heard his voice.
407
00:16:53,330 --> 00:16:54,936
He called me a Bolivian chicken.
408
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,946
Well, now that
sounds like Oscar.
409
00:16:56,970 --> 00:16:59,046
I know it's Oscar...
Stay here tonight.
410
00:16:59,070 --> 00:17:01,346
We'll stake out his room.
We'll catch him in the act.
411
00:17:01,370 --> 00:17:02,650
I can't, Felix.
412
00:17:02,700 --> 00:17:04,316
My partner's waiting
for me downstairs.
413
00:17:04,340 --> 00:17:06,816
I'm on duty, you know? This
is duty. Assault and battery.
414
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:07,956
It's an open-and-shut case.
415
00:17:07,980 --> 00:17:10,226
Murray, you'll get a medal.
416
00:17:10,250 --> 00:17:12,526
Well, I could stay
for a few minutes.
417
00:17:12,550 --> 00:17:15,420
May I have a glass of
milk and some cookies?
418
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,866
Yes, you may, Murray.
Help yourself. Thank you.
419
00:17:18,890 --> 00:17:21,960
You know, we had a case
like this a couple of years ago,
420
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:25,690
and we discovered that this
guy was walking in his sleep.
421
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:30,200
Sleepwalking?
422
00:17:30,270 --> 00:17:32,596
What, what should I do if
he's sleepwalking, Murray?
423
00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:35,220
Well, to begin with,
don't wake him up.
424
00:17:35,290 --> 00:17:36,436
They get very violent.
425
00:17:36,460 --> 00:17:38,660
More violent? How?
426
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,450
He's belting me on the head now.
427
00:17:41,540 --> 00:17:44,140
Why me, of all people. I just...
428
00:17:46,020 --> 00:17:48,156
I hope and pray
he's not sleepwalking.
429
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:49,696
Can you imagine
the mess I'd find
430
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:52,280
in this room in the
morning if he was...?
431
00:17:58,630 --> 00:18:01,370
Murray! Murray!
432
00:18:01,450 --> 00:18:03,256
Murray! What? What's wrong?
433
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:04,640
Put your gun away!
434
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:06,616
Put it down! Put your gun away!
435
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,796
Oh. He just did it again.
436
00:18:08,820 --> 00:18:11,750
I saw him with my own eyes.
I felt it with my own head.
437
00:18:11,820 --> 00:18:15,690
Gee, I'm sorry I missed it.
438
00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:18,556
I was going to wake him up, and
then I remembered what you said.
439
00:18:18,580 --> 00:18:19,756
I should have awakened him.
440
00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:21,476
Oh, Murray, he looked,
he looked deranged...
441
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,660
Uh uh. We'd better
go check up on him.
442
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,230
Hi, Oscar.
443
00:18:33,350 --> 00:18:34,980
Murray.
444
00:18:35,050 --> 00:18:36,906
It's okay, Felix, he's awake.
445
00:18:36,930 --> 00:18:39,430
Hello, Oscar.
446
00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,016
What are you guys
doing in my bedroom?
447
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,710
What's the living room
doing in my bedroom?
448
00:18:46,110 --> 00:18:49,460
You're sleepwalking, Oscar.
449
00:18:49,530 --> 00:18:52,870
Well, I better walk
back to sleep then.
450
00:18:53,950 --> 00:18:56,550
You saw him, Murray. You saw it!
451
00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:59,096
Yeah, but I didn't
actually see any hitting.
452
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:01,566
Yeah, but you saw
the weapon in his hand.
453
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:03,486
Well, but that's circumstantial.
454
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:06,050
If he had stabbed me,
455
00:19:06,110 --> 00:19:08,626
and was standing there
with a dripping dagger,
456
00:19:08,650 --> 00:19:10,196
would that be circumstantial?
457
00:19:10,220 --> 00:19:12,390
Perhaps.
458
00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:15,786
That's my partner
calling for me.
459
00:19:15,810 --> 00:19:18,780
Take the cookies,
Murray, and go.
460
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,980
I'm sorry, Felix.
461
00:19:24,050 --> 00:19:25,480
I'm a policeman.
462
00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:28,920
I can't get involved!
463
00:19:38,630 --> 00:19:40,650
Fasten this.
464
00:19:40,710 --> 00:19:44,040
Okay, come bring this over here.
465
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:46,770
This here.
466
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,846
Shutter. There we are.
467
00:19:48,870 --> 00:19:51,116
This is makeshift,
but it'll work.
468
00:19:51,140 --> 00:19:53,300
Distance of three feet...
469
00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,880
Get my pill.
470
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,170
Water.
471
00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:18,530
Water.
472
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:48,210
Like living with an animal.
473
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,710
Why is he doing this?
474
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:53,010
He'll never get through that.
475
00:20:53,090 --> 00:20:55,650
If I can just get
through this night.
476
00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:00,920
Felix!
477
00:21:00,990 --> 00:21:04,260
Felix!
478
00:21:04,330 --> 00:21:05,660
Felix!
479
00:21:21,850 --> 00:21:24,020
I don't know; his door's locked.
480
00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:25,940
I think he's calling for a cab.
481
00:21:26,020 --> 00:21:27,266
I know it's serious.
482
00:21:27,290 --> 00:21:28,620
Well, I'll do what I can.
483
00:21:28,690 --> 00:21:30,466
Oh listen, honey,
I got to go now.
484
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,730
I'll call you back later. Okay.
485
00:21:35,910 --> 00:21:37,690
Oh, how are you feeling, Felix?
486
00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,450
Good morning, Oscar.
487
00:21:39,510 --> 00:21:40,956
Listen, would you like
some orange juice?
488
00:21:40,980 --> 00:21:42,996
I strained it, I took
out all the pits, I think.
489
00:21:43,020 --> 00:21:44,966
Thank you. That was
very kind of you, Oscar.
490
00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:46,270
No, I don't want any.
491
00:21:47,490 --> 00:21:50,520
How about three-minute eggs
right on the head three minutes.
492
00:21:50,590 --> 00:21:53,520
I couldn't hold a
thing on my stomach.
493
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,420
My bags are packed,
494
00:21:55,460 --> 00:21:57,846
the cab will be
here in 10 minutes.
495
00:21:57,870 --> 00:22:00,710
Felix, would it help to
tell you how sorry I am?
496
00:22:00,770 --> 00:22:03,640
Please, Oscar.
It's not your fault.
497
00:22:03,710 --> 00:22:05,160
It's mine.
498
00:22:05,220 --> 00:22:07,190
It must be.
499
00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:09,306
There is something
in me that provokes
500
00:22:09,330 --> 00:22:13,240
such terrible hatred to me
that your subconscious mind
501
00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:14,770
drives you to attack me.
502
00:22:14,820 --> 00:22:16,726
Oh, come on...
No, no, I mean it.
503
00:22:16,750 --> 00:22:19,596
I've never told you this
before, I've never told anyone,
504
00:22:19,620 --> 00:22:22,850
but my ex-wife, Gloria,
used to hit me on the head.
505
00:22:25,750 --> 00:22:27,970
What's wrong with me, anyway?
506
00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:30,056
Nothing, Felix.
Will you cut it out?
507
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,556
All right. There's
just one thing.
508
00:22:32,580 --> 00:22:35,450
I don't want you to feel
any guilt whatsoever.
509
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,820
The fault is not yours.
510
00:22:37,890 --> 00:22:41,660
There's something in me
that brings out this ugly,
511
00:22:41,730 --> 00:22:45,130
animal, terrible viciousness.
512
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,640
I'm a bad seed, Oscar.
513
00:22:48,730 --> 00:22:50,830
Felix, cut it out.
514
00:22:50,900 --> 00:22:52,076
Don't cry, will you?
515
00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,416
I, I can't stand to
see a grown man cry.
516
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,146
Felix, please, will you
cut it out. Will you stop it!
517
00:22:56,170 --> 00:22:57,940
That does it, Felix!
518
00:22:58,010 --> 00:23:00,970
I can put up with a
devout hypochondriac.
519
00:23:01,050 --> 00:23:02,826
I can stand a man who has won
520
00:23:02,850 --> 00:23:05,050
all the awards for cleaning.
521
00:23:06,690 --> 00:23:10,530
I can even understand why
you vacuum the shower curtain.
522
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:13,936
But I can't take
you being a martyr.
523
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,936
I refuse to live
with Joan of Arc!
524
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,776
So you take your
pats, and your pits,
525
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,876
and take your pills
and your pains,
526
00:23:19,900 --> 00:23:24,290
and take your pots and your
pans and your pouting and pull out!
527
00:23:26,420 --> 00:23:28,980
That's what's been
missing, Oscar.
528
00:23:29,060 --> 00:23:31,460
You haven't been yelling at me.
529
00:23:31,530 --> 00:23:33,036
I've been trying
to be nice to you.
530
00:23:33,060 --> 00:23:35,310
Aha! That's it!
531
00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,206
What's it? Hostility.
532
00:23:37,230 --> 00:23:39,860
Repressed during
the day, erupts at night.
533
00:23:39,940 --> 00:23:42,246
Freud! Dreams and
the subconscious.
534
00:23:42,270 --> 00:23:43,466
I know that's the answer.
535
00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:44,546
It is?
536
00:23:44,570 --> 00:23:46,050
Yes, we can work this out.
537
00:23:46,130 --> 00:23:48,206
You really think
we can? Of course.
538
00:23:48,230 --> 00:23:51,230
The main thing is... You
must never be nice to me.
539
00:23:53,330 --> 00:23:54,260
What do you mean by that?
540
00:23:54,330 --> 00:23:56,890
If you feel
hostile, act hostile.
541
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,090
Let it all hang out.
542
00:23:59,150 --> 00:24:00,680
I'll try anything.
543
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:02,396
Yes, the main thing
is that we must be
544
00:24:02,420 --> 00:24:05,150
emotionally honest with
each other at all times.
545
00:24:05,230 --> 00:24:07,276
I'll be honest with you right
now, Felix... I got to go to work.
546
00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:09,376
And I'm going to
have breakfast. Okay.
547
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:12,570
My appetite is back! Eggs
and orange juice. Great!
548
00:24:12,630 --> 00:24:14,416
Terrific! I'll see you tonight.
549
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,280
To us.
550
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,990
How is the orange juice?
551
00:24:19,060 --> 00:24:20,306
Perfect.
552
00:24:20,330 --> 00:24:22,890
Oh, marvelous, good!
I'll see you tonight.
553
00:24:23,550 --> 00:24:25,980
Pit.
554
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,130
Oh, come on, will ya?
555
00:24:36,210 --> 00:24:37,786
Listen, I yelled
at you a lot today,
556
00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:39,626
so I probably won't be
sleepwalking tonight.
557
00:24:39,650 --> 00:24:42,076
But in case I do, I
want you to hit me first,
558
00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:44,606
so we'll be even. That
won't be necessary, Oscar.
559
00:24:44,630 --> 00:24:46,046
No, I want you to
hit me. Come on.
560
00:24:46,070 --> 00:24:47,876
Oh, no, don't be silly.
Come on, I'll feel guilty.
561
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:49,836
Now, I want you
to hit me. I can't!
562
00:24:49,860 --> 00:24:50,936
Felix, will you hit me? No!
563
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,330
Hit me!
36698
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