All language subtitles for Carry.On.Henry.VIII.1971.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(FANFARE)

Come on! What's keeping her?

You know the Queen, sire,
never on time.

This is the last time
she'll keep me waiting.

Unless she's late
for her own funeral.

(GARGLING)

What a time
to have one of her throats.

She always was weakly, sire.

Once weekly. Always, 'Not tonight,

I've a headache, I've a bellyache.'

No wonder
you did not consummate the marriage.

After six months of marriage,

the only thing I'm having off
is her head.

(FANFARE)

Nice day for it, Your Majesty.

Hardly any wind. Good crowd, too.

Thank you, Lord Cardinal. But we can
dispense with the commentary.

(DRUMMING)

I can manage, thank you, Cardinal.

Don't want you to trip
and hurt yourself, ma'am.

Come on, then.
Yes.

Do you, Henry, take this woman to -

I do and so does she.

Right, love, that's it.
Through there.

Her figure's all right.
What about her face?

I'm assured, sire,
it's the fairest in all Normandy.

What about her...

The fullest in all Normandy.

Has she been chaste?

All over Normandy.

But, I'm assured, never caught.

Call me at eight. Next Thursday.

Marie, Queen of England.

Oh, hello.

Oh, who are you?

Permit me to introduce myself,
madam.

Sir Roger de Lodgerley.

Oh, how do you do?

The King's personal equerry.
And your most devoted admirer.

How nice.

May I? Thank you.

Other one. Splendid.

And one more for luck.

Splendid, splendid. But if I might
suggest...just a little more...

Ooh! Perfect, perfect.

I can be a one when I want.

I thought you might be one.

Now, madam,
as regards your actual duties.

I was brought up
at the French court.

I had an excellent position there.

Oh, I know. And I hear
the French position is very good.

(FANFARE)

Still here, I see, Sir Roger.

I was instructing Her Majesty,
Your Grace.

Thank you. That will be fine.

I trust all is to your satisfaction,
Your Grace.

I'll let you know later.

You won't want that, will you?
What? Oh, no, of course not.

Thank you.

I suppose you're anxious
to bed your Queen? Naturally.

If you want anything, I'm next door.

We won't trouble you further.

Hm-hm-hm. Ha-ha-ha!

(DIRTY CHUCKLE)
And how's my beautiful queen, then?

Well and eager to please, my lord.

Good.

Here we go, then.

Just one moment, milord.

There is one thing I must do first.

Eh? Oh, yes. Well,
I'll just go and wash my hands.

(TRICKLING WATER)

Well, all done, then?

Yes, my lord. I have waited
for this moment for so long.

Cor, blimey!

What? What ails my lord?

What have you been eating?

Smell? Oh, it is merely garlic.

Garlic?

It is an old custom in Normandy.

I adore it. Taken regularly,
no germs will come near one.

I don't blame them.

Not only that. It greatly increases
one's sexual appetite.

I've got news for you.
Come morning, you'll be starving.

Why, what means my lord?

Nothing. Just don't make
any hairdressing appointments.

Roger! Roger! Sir Roger!

Come, come, My Lord Cardinal.
A glass of wine to celebrate?

You rang, milord?

Yes, Mistress Scrub, wine for myself
and my Lord Cardinal.

Oh, yes, milord.

Will that be all, milord?
For the nonce.

Oh! Oh, Your Eminence.

Come, let us drink to the King's
marriage and an early issue.

You will not drink?

After you, my lord.

My dear Cardinal, you surely
don't suspect that I, your friend,

would have poisoned your wine?

Men in our position
have enemies everywhere.

One cannot be too careful.

There. Satisfied?

To issue.
To issue.

All fall down!
Oh, my God.

Cardinal Wolsey!
Where are you, you blackguard?

Oh, the issue is already in doubt.

I'll have your heads for this.

Sire, is not this mating successful?

As far as the Queen is concerned,
I've had it.

Oh, well, it's all right, then.

Shut up and listen!
She has got to go.

Go? But why?

Because it turns out that
Her Most Gracious Majesty Marie,

wife of the Defender of the Faith,

is also a belcher of the garlic!
Garlic? What is garlic?

A small bulb-bearing plant of the
onion family, used by the French -

I don't care what it is! I had one
pong of it and my ambition wilted.

It need not be a problem, sire.

If the Cardinal here was to
have a word with Her Majesty...

Oh, yes. I'll go immediately.

He'll be able to persuade her
to give up this odious habit, sire.

Probably.
But I doubt I'll fancy it again.

Enter, milord.

Pardon this intrusion, madam, but I
come on a matter of some urgency.

Not at all, milord.
We are pleased to receive you.

Phew!

It was all going marvellously.

There she was lying in bed,
waiting for it.

I said to myself,
this is it, Harry boy.

I'm just about to grab her, and boof!
Right in the kisser.

Cor! But don't upset yourself, sire.
Pray be seated.

Have a goblet of wine. I tell you,
it will make your spirits rise.

I need more than wine
to make anything rise now.

Nonsense, sire.

Come! Drink!

And it is rather a special one.

What did she say?
No. She refuses to give it up.

Refuses? Get her annulled.

An old what, sire?

Annul the marriage, you fool!

That's out of the question,
Your Majesty.

The Pope would be livid.
What's it got to do with him?

When the match was announced,

he declared it bad
for a man to have six wives.

How would he know?
He's never tried it.

If I may make a suggestion,
Your Grace.

This is no time to get suggestive.

If she refuses to give it up,

you could take preventative measures
against the odour.

You suggest that I, the greatest
monarch England has ever had,

should stuff cotton wool
up my hooter?

Nothing so drastic, sire.

But I happen to know
that if one also eats the garlic,

the smell is unnoticeable.

You mean me give in to her?
Never! Never!

Not on your nellie.

No, I've made up my mind.
Annul the marriage.

But the only way the marriage can be
annulled is if they haven't...

Come on, spit it out.

To put it bluntly, sire...

..did you consume it?

Did I what?

Consume it.

Has the marriage been consumed?

I fancy he means consummated, sire.

The verb consume means 'to eat'.

My dictionary says
'to eat or have a nibble'.

Not that kind of nibble, fathead!

Don't call me fathead, you steaming
great - Shut up, the two of you.

I have neither eaten,
consumed or had a nibble.

So make sure you get rid of her
by the time I get back.

But wait, wait!
Your Majesty's going somewhere?

Yes, hunting.

Ooh, nice. What for?

Something to eat. I'm starving.

(DIRTY CHUCKLE)

This is terrible. I cannot risk
disfavour with the Vatican again.

Nor I with France.
Marie is their King's cousin.

We must unite
to keep this marriage alive.

Of course. But how?
By procrastination.

What?! If he has that,

he'll never be able
to have an issue.

Oh, dear, you must get another
dictionary, Cardinal.

(FANFARE)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

It's only me.

Oh, I thought it might be the King.

Alas, madam,
he's out on state business.

I just popped in to see
if there was anything you wanted.

Oh, yes, there is, Sir Roger,

but I doubt if you could supply it.

Oh, no. Oh.
(SNIFFS)

What a delightful odour.

Can it be... garlic?

Why, yes.
Do you like it, then, Sir Roger?

Everyone should have it!

Oh, well, here. Help yourself.

Thank you.

Ah, that's better.

(CACKLES) So now, to work.

Sir Roger, what are you about?

I'm undressing, madam.
But to what end?

Didn't you know?

As the King's taster,
I try everything before he does.

(BREATHLESS)

(CACKLING AND BARKING)

We have found well, Your Majesty.

Not 'Your Majesty.'
At this sport I'm incognito.

Of course. Will we wait, sire?

No, I'll find my own way back.
It may take time.

Oh. Good hunting, sire.

Thank you. I'll save the brush
for you. Walk on.

Well, well, well, my pretty.

Ha-ha-ha.

Don't be frightened.
Who are you? And what do you want?

A hunter looking for some sport.
You look like a gentleman.

Don't let the clothes fool you.

Come here. Come here.

Hey, not so fast.
I don't even know your name.

Call me Henry.
Henry, eh?

Same as that miserable sot
who rules us.

Miserable what?

Sot. Oh, sot? Oh, he's quite a nice
fellow, really.

Oh? You want to hear my dad
go on about him.

The way he keeps screwing us
on taxes.

Whatever else he does, I can assure
you, it's not screwing.

My dad says hanging's too good
for him.

He'd like to see him fry
in his own fat.

Really?

I must meet your dad sometime.
I'd like to swap recipes with him.

My dad says him and old Cromwell
are a right pretty pair.

Not half as pretty as the one
I'm looking at. Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, come on, we're not in here
to look for needles, are we?

That's all very well,
but what am I going to get?

What are you gonna get?
What do you normally get?

You know what I mean.

People are prepared to pay
handsomely for my favours.

Oh, blimey.

Here, I've only got
a two shilling piece.

Oh. I haven't got any change.

Don't worry, darling.

You can owe it to me.

(GIGGLES)

(LAUGHTER)

Ooh!

Hang on, I'll take off my gauntlets.

Ooh! Ooh!

That better?

Ha-ha-ha.
You don't waste much time, do you?

No. Blimey, why should I?

How many petticoats have you got?

Blimey, it's like peeling
an artichoke.

Ha-ha-ha!

I'll kill you!

Hang on. Just a minute.
It's my dad!

Is it? Blimey! Blimey!

Before you do anything you will
regret, let me tell you who I am.

I happen to be...
Your dad, did you say?

Yes.
Go on.

You're what?
I'm off!

Give me my money back!

Oh, blimey. In it again.

You may be seated.

Are Their Majesties
not coming to dinner?

I doubt it.

The King is still hunting and
the Queen vows to stay in her room

until she is no longer a virgin.

Poor woman. Could I do something
to get her down?

By way of verbal persuasion, I mean.

Persuasion from you
would get anybody down.

Let her stay
and stew in her own juice.

Her Most Gracious Majesty
Queen Marie.

Good Lord!

(FANFARE)

Good evening, My Lord Chancellor.

Your Majesty!
This is an unexpected surprise.

We've not had
your company for a meal as yet.

I've been having it in my room with
Sir Roger. He persuaded me down.

Oh, well, Your Majesty,
all I can say is,

your loss is our gain.

Thank you. The King is not home?

Still away on urgent business.
State affairs, you understand.

Excellent. Then, Sir Roger, it is
my wish that you sit beside me.

Madam, no. That is the King's place.

Sir Roger, you did not
show the same reluctance earlier.

Her Majesty jests. With your
permission, I'll take my usual seat.

Do as I say and shut up!

Pray be seated,
ladies and gentlemen.

(SCRUNCH)

Mm! Quite nice.

A drink, ma'am?
Thank you.

I can heartily recommend
the porter here.

Really? Then do send him up
to my room later.

You're not eating?

With your permission, ma'am.

(MURMURS OF DISAPPROVAL)

You do not find it appetising?

Yes, madam. But it has
a somewhat unusual flavour.

Oh, that will be the garlic.

(SHOCKED CRIES)

I sent orders
to put it in everything.

It might be a step toward
converting the King.

His Majesty the King.

Ah, my dear departed husband
has returned.

She's stunk the whole place out
with it.

Haven't you got rid of her yet?
A slight hitch, Your Majesty.
I'll explain later.

It had better be good, or...

All right, carry on eating.
I'm starving. What's good, Cromwell?

I wouldn't recommend anything, sire.

Why not have
a cup of tea and a bun in your room?

It all looks tasty.
Especially the peacock.

Not up to standard.
It's all cock and no pea.

That's exactly how I like it.

Sir Roger has tasted it?

Oh, yes, as a matter of fact,
he's tried everything.

Good.

That does it! Out!
I want her out of here now!

Do not worry, I am leaving.
Good!

To my bedchamber,
where I expect you to join me.

Ha! You'll be lucky!

If I am not, milord,

you may be sure my cousin
King Francis will learn of it.

She threatened me!
Get the executioner.

Sire, do nothing you may regret.

We can ill-afford to fight France.

Are you saying it's war
if I don't bed her?

Wars have been fought over less,
sire.

Urgh!

The thing to do, sire, is play
for time. Act the loving husband.

Impossible.

Simply go through the motions.

How can I, without doing anything?

True. It would seem the Queen

has got you
by the well-known chandeliers.

If I bed her, Wolsey won't be able
to get the annulment.

That will take time, Your Majesty.

I have no time. I need another wife.

Meantime, you could make
some other arrangements, sire.

What other arrangements?

Like taking a mistress?

I'm the King,
with a proud family motto to uphold!

'Non crapito suum januum'.
'Never spit on your own doorstep'.

My lord Cardinal is right, sire.

We must step cautiously.

How do you think we got the motto?

No, I mean, er,
a hasty divorce would be disastrous.

There is no immediate need
for you to marry again.

No, tomorrow will do, I suppose.

Tomorrow? Has Your Majesty
a new queen in mind?

I haven't had time to look yet.

If you could
keep the Queen amused for a while.

Just keep her mind off it.

She's French,
their minds are never off it.

There must be something else to do.

I have it. There is that new game
that's all the rage in the court.

What do they call it, now?

Ah yes, tiddlywinks.

Tiddlywinks?

It was just an idea.

Well, it was a lousy one.

I want to be away from her
until you get the annulment.

Ah-ha! That gives me an idea, sire.

There is one way
by which she'd never suspect

you were trying to avoid you know...

Yes, yes.

Suppose there was to be a plot
against you

and you were to be abducted from her
bedchamber before her very eyes.

That's it! But who will abduct me?
Somebody discreet and trustworthy.

I have the very man, sire.

One of Your Majesty's most loyal
supporters. Lord Hampton of Wick.

That's it. Go to it, Cromwell.

Aye, sire. But you must go
to your bedchamber now.

Yes, yes. I suppose I must.

Ah, well.

The things I do for England.

Right, gentlemen.

We are agreed that for the good of
England, Henry must go. But how?

How is it to be accomplished?

I have had one idea, Lord Hampton.

You see,
I have barrels of gunpowder.

We could smuggle them
into parliament

when he opens the next session,

and blow the lot up.

Excellent, Fawkes,
but you overlook one small detail.

We all sit in parliament.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Who is that?

I, Thomas Cromwell.

Cromwell. Quickly.

My lord Chancellor.
This is indeed an honour.

Y-e-e-s. Having a meeting, Hampton?

Just the usual Friday night
sewing circle, milord.

Mmm, interesting.

You like the designs?

Yes, but not as much as those
you have on the King's life.

What? Milord,
I know not what you talk about.

Really? Then you won't be interested
to learn

the King expressed a wish
to be abducted tonight.

He's what?

Purely to suit his own ends,
of course.

I thought you might like the job.

I would be honoured.
But what about the guards?

He's already removed them.

I see.
And after he has been abducted?

Well, that's up to you.
Accidents will happen.

No, no, no.
You're not doing it properly.

I know how to do it.

Well, look, like this. Look.

See?
Now you have a go. Into that bowl.

Are you sure this is
an old English pre-mating ritual?

Of course. It's tradition.

Before you can mate properly,
you have to get one in.

I thought everybody knew that.

Oh, very well, then.

Ah, I've done it!

You cheated.

I didn't. You saw.

You can come to bed with me now.

Er, no. You have to tiddle first.

I have tiddled.

No, no. That was winking.

Look, when we began, you told me
I had to tiddle into the pot.

You have to wink in and tiddle out.

Oh, all right, then.

There! Satisfied?
Very good. Very good.

That's one game to you.
First one to get 20 in, right?

20? We'll be at it all night.

Not if I can help it.

Well, I've had enough!

What's that for?

You can't fool me, Henry Tudor.
Avoiding getting into bed with me.

How could you possibly
get an idea like that?

I'm just putting it off.
The great moment, I mean.

Oh, well,
while you are 'putting it off',

I will write a note to my cousin
Francis, the King of France.

Yes, well,
perhaps we have waited long enough.

We won't be needing that, will we?

Where are you going now?
Empty the pan.

Leave it to the servants.

Yes. All right, then.

Well, here we are, then.

What shall we do now?

What shall we do?!
Yes. Any ideas?

What did you do with the others?

Let me think. With old Jane,
we used to play noughts and crosses.

Noughts and crosses?!

I gave her nought,
and she got cross.

Have I told you
about my other wives?

Oh, yes,
I can't wait to hear about them.

You see? All guards removed.

I'll leave now. Remember,
I know nothing of this venture.

One moment. I would like your word
that if anything goes wrong,

you will not divulge
our real intent.

You have my hand on it.

And may good fortune attend on you.

Henry Tudor, I don't wish
to hear about your past wives.

You only say that
to make me feel better.

It wouldn't be right for you not to
know about the others, would it?

No. Now, where was I?

Number two.

That brings us to number four.

Enough! Are you going to behave
like a proper husband?

Yes, of course, dear -

Then save all that for later.

Sire, I call upon you
to surrender without a struggle.

I've been trying
to get him to do that.

What treason is this?
I'm about to be abducted.

How do you know?

They didn't come to watch.

We mean you no harm, ma'am.
All we want is the King's person.

There you are. What did I tell you?

Oh, Hampton, Hampton.
(Put that thing away.)

How could you tear me
from my beloved

just as we were to consummate
our union?

Oh, well, er...

we could come back later, of course.

(Don't be stupid.)
If it be thus, thus be it.

May I know what is to become of me?

You are to be held prisoner.

Oh, how terrible. Will I never see
my dear wife again?

(Go on, you're doing very well.)

There you will sign
a confession of your wrongdoings.

Alas,
I was born with the wrong doings.

That done, you will be done to death
as painfully as you have done
others.

(All right. Don't overdo it.)
Seize him!

(Not too rough.)
So, this is the end.

Farewell, dear wife.
We are never to be one.

You're going without a fight?

Alas, I can do nothing else.

Well, I can!

(CLANG! CLANG!)

And don't come back!

They've gone. You can -

Henry?

Henry.

Henry, where are you?

Oh, the wretch. Now what am I going
to do for the rest of the night?

If that isn't the best tunic
I ever made,

my name isn't Moyshe Montmorency.
Yes, it's not bad.

Not bad? Never mind the quality,
feel the cloth.

Mm, we've had worse. What is it?

The finest goats' hair.

I thought it had a familiar smell.

Look at it. The bustline
and the waistline, Your Majesty.

No word of a lie,
the goat it didn't fit as well.

It's nice here,
but the skirt's on the long side.

The skirt? Long?

We're proud of our legs.
The ladies marvel at their length.

With the skirt higher, they won't
be marvelling at the legs.

That reminds me, I need
more length on my hose.

Ah, Your Majesty is much too modest.

His Excellency the emissary of
the Vatican, Comte Felipo de Pisa.

You are welcome, Comte.

Please be seated, Comte.

You have come about the application

for an annulment of His Majesty's
marriage? I have, milord.

I hoped as much. Your master
has given his permission?

He requests me to say

that he is most morally shocked and
righteously outraged by the request.

Oh, dear.

But, under certain conditions,

he might be prevailed upon

to overlook his deep-seated
and inviolate sense of duty.

How much this time?

5,000 pieces of gold.

Come off it,
that's double last time.

He is doubly shocked this time.

And how much have you added
for your own pocket, my dear Comte?

Milord,
I must protest most strongly!

I'm sorry, Comte,
but as a churchman,

I cannot tolerate corruption
in high office.

5,000 is the figure.
Take it or leave it.

Very well.
I shall consult with the Chancellor.

Well, Wolsey, the word is good?

I can arrange the divorce
satisfactorily.

Excellent!

But you'll have to let me have
10,000 pieces of gold.

10,000?!

It was only five last time.

You know how it is.
Inflation, rising prices.

Indeed. The ever-rising
cost of loving index.

The sooner the better, of course.

Cardinal, can I be assured
this 10,000 is all for Rome?

Are you suggesting that I -

How dare you! How dare - You know
well that I am an honourable man.

My dear Wolsey,
I learned long ago

there is only one man in England
who can be completely trusted.

And that's me.

I protest strongly at the
implication that I - Ooh, never!

All right! You'll get your 10,000.
I'll see the King straight away.

Pardon the intrusion, Your Majesty,
but I have had word from Rome.

The divorce! It's on?

I am confident that, left in
my hands, I can get approval.

Marvellous!

It will entail
a certain expenditure.

How much?

If you let me have 20,000 -
20,000?!

Well, rather more than usual,
but little enough if you have it.

That's the point, I haven't had it!

The money, I mean.

I shouldn't have to tell you
that my royal mint has a hole in it.

Beautiful. Fit for a king.

20,000! What love pleasure
is worth that much?

Try it walking around, Your Majesty.

Don't be filthy.
The coat.

We could raise a bit more
by taxation.

Everything is taxed to the hilt.
Even swords.

Swords taxed to the hilt. Very good!
Oh, shut up.

There is one thing
you haven't touched yet.

We're back to the wife again.

No, a brand-new form of taxation
I've just thought up.

SET.
SET?

Sex Enjoyment Tax.

Sex Enjoyment Tax?

Exactly. Like drinking or smoking.
Every time they have one...

That could bring in quite a bit.
Difficult to apply, though.

I don't know.
No man wants to be thought lacking.

We give them a form and they submit
some sort of weekly return.

Do you think they'd stand for it?
Stand, sit, lie down. What's it
matter as long as we get the money?

Halt. State your business
with my Lord Cromwell.

Oh, get out of my way.

I trust I am not disturbing you,
My Lord Chancellor.

No, Your Majesty,
I was just checking the weekly yield

on my new Sex Enjoyment Tax.

A satisfactory one, I hope.

Not bad. Takings are down since we
started the on-the-spot collections.

But then this business
is bound to have its ups and downs.

But precious few come my way.

Milord,
I will come direct to business.

I demand to see the King.

That's impossible today, he's busy
in his privy...council.

I will not be put off any longer.

It is three months since our
marriage and he still hasn't.

Hasn't what?
Still hasn't.

Oh, I quite understand, ma'am.

You must not be alarmed.
These things take time.

Milord, I may seem a simple person,

but could you
keep your bride waiting so long?

I'm not married, ma'am.

No, but you are a man.
I have been aware of that fact.

Please, ma'am.

Oh, milord, do you forget
that day at Hampton Court?

Hampton?

You rescued me from the maze.

You couldn't find your way out.

And you couldn't find yours.

(GULP) Well, er,
I hadn't done it before, you see.

We might have been there yet

if you hadn't had the forethought
to lay a thread to follow back out.

Yes, good old Fred.

Would you like to try again, Thomas?
Without thread.

Forget that afternoon.
I got carried away.

Thousands have been carried away
after one hour with me, milord.

Yes, but not feet first.

Oh, Thomas.

Tom. Take me in your arms
and kiss me.

No, wait, Your Majesty,
someone might come in.

I don't care!

Oh, Thomas. Tom, you don't know
how unsatisfying my life is.

I feel like a bottle of good wine

that has been left to waste
after only one sip.

For heaven's sake,
put the cork back in.

You are a hard man, Thomas Cromwell.

What you're asking of me is wrong.

I am the King's friend, he trusts me
and I'm proud of that trust.

Ah. But if there were no king?

What do you mean?

If some accident
were to befall him, what then?

Obviously, as Queen,
you would reign in his stead.

Precisely, and you in his bedstead.

What?!
What are you suggesting, ma'am?

That I, the King's most devoted
servant, should plot to,

should stoop to - What kind
of accident had you in mind?

No, Thomas, before I divulge that,

I must first have pledge
of your goodwill in the matter.

What kind of pledge could I give?

Just a taste
of that good wine I spoke of.

Well, I don't usually drink
before six o'clock but...

Oh, oh, oh!

I've just been thinking -

What goes on here?

Oh!

Nothing, sire, I was conversing with
the Queen when she came over faint.

Her emotions overflowed
and I just corked her -

I just caught her in time.

Faint? Why should she feel faint?

Lack of fresh air, perhaps.

She hasn't had any lately.
Yes, and that, too.

Do something, she makes the place
untidy. Yes, sire.

Ma'am, ma'am, you can come round
now. Ma'am, it's all right now.

Good heavens!
What is it?

She really is unconscious.

Go on, then.
Get the court physician.

Dr Finlay, Dr Finlay,
something terrible's happened!

The physician has nearly finished.

He's taken his time.
There is rather a lot to examine.

It makes you sick. I'd made up
my mind to have her head off

and this has to happen.

Sire, don't excite yourself.
It affects your metabolism.

It brings the poison up
and you break out

in these poisonous excrescences.

Boils?
I know what I'm talking about!

I only said boils.

Boils? Oh, boils. Yes.

What's happening?

I'm happy to report
that I have bled Her Majesty.

Bled her? All this time?

It did take a bit of time, but one
of my leeches is an absolute hog.

I am not interested in your leeches!
What about the Queen?

No worry there. It often happens
to women in her condition.

Condition? What condition?

Her Majesty's going to have a baby.

Hear that?
I'm going to have an issue.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, sire.

Congratulations.

Do you think it will be a boy?

Most assuredly, sire.

At last a son! A son and heir!

I know I speak for all England

when I say well done, sire,
we are proud of you.

Thank you.
I didn't really do anything.

That's quite right.
I didn't do anything.

Are you sure
she's going to have a baby?

How did that happen?

Your Majesty does not know?!

No, I do not know.

Let me see
if I can explain it quite simply.

Let's take the birds and the bees.

I do not want a lecture. I know how,
it's who that worries me.

Am I to understand
Your Majesty has not...

Not as much as a nibble.

Your Grace,
no-one outside this room knows that,

and I know
we can be trusted to keep silent.

But she's mucked it all up.

How can I get a divorce now
for non-consummation?

On the contrary, sire, the Queen
has played right into our hands.

She's played in someone's hands.

If I might have a word
with Your Majesty confidentially.

If we can obtain definite proof
of unfaithfulness,

the divorce will be automatic
and will not cost you a penny.

But where do we get the proof?

A confession from the man concerned.

Which man?
Any man.

Preferably one who's constantly
in the company of the Queen.

Yes! Someone who's had the job
of keeping her amused.

Well, Sir Roger? Have you been
dallying with the Queen?

Certainly not, sire!

Your hand on it?

Not even a finger on it!

Come, come, Sir Roger.

It will be less painful to confess.
Never!

In the Tower, we have
ways of forcing a confession.

You won't get a thing out of me!

I'll wager those are the very words
the Queen used to you.

As a matter of fact, she was...
Ohh!

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

My Lord Cardinal,
show the Queen to her apartment.

What is to happen to Sir Roger?

Nothing, provided
he signs a simple confession.

If not, we have gadgets
such as the thumbscrew.

Fear not, ma'am. I can stand
any amount of screwing.

Well spoken, Sir Roger!

I will not confess! And that's flat!

Methinks you'll change your mind
when it is flat!

Take him directly below.

You are a cruel man.

Cruel, ma'am? Why, I'm known as
Cromwell the Considerate.

What about all those poor martyrs
you had burned at the stake?

You call that being considerate?

Of course! I asked each one,
'How'd you like your stake?'

That's right. He did, you know.

So...this is to be my home
for the rest of my days.

And what, pray, is this place?

The Bloody Tower.
There's no need to be common!

No,
that's what they call it, milady.

Is this the best you can provide

for a queen of England,
and cousin of the King of France?

It's one of the best rooms, milady,
with a lovely view from the window.

On a foggy day.

Oh, Wolsey! What is to become of me?

Will I ever look up to see
the clear blue of the sky again?

Will I ever again feel the blessed
warmth of the sun on my tender skin?

The weather report isn't too good.

Do not try and spare my feelings.

You know well that as soon as
Henry has his signed confession,

it will be my head on the block,
and pffft!

No!

Don't speak of it, madam.
I can't bear to think of it.

Your lovely head
for that filthy old basket!

My lord!
You must not speak of the King thus!

No! Oh, no, no. I meant the basket

into which your head will fall,
madam.

Oh, that filthy old basket, yes.

This might have all been avoided
had you renounced the garlic.

Wolsey, you have always loved me,
haven't you?

Devotedly, ma'am.

Enough to do me a service?

Certainly! Would you like a matin,
or a quick vespers?

No. I would simply have you deliver
a letter to the French ambassador.

Ooh! I wouldn't dare do that.

I must apprise him
of what has happened!

They're so strict on security here.

I'm searched from top to bottom
when I leave. Top to bottom?

Well, almost.

There is only one place
I could put a letter

where it might...avoid detection.

And you cannot bring yourself
to do that for me?

Yes! I will, I will!

Oh, thank you, milord!

Here is the letter.

Ah, my dear Sir Roger.

I believe you know
what this little toy is called.

The rack.

An ingenious invention.
We tie you to it, hand and foot,

and then each day
a turn on the wheel, at both ends.

Yes, I know. What criminals call
'going for a stretch'.

Care to try it?

Have I an alternative?

Yes - sign this.

Without even reading it?

It's just a simple confession.

'Inasmuch as I, Roger de Lodgerley,
of Bedside Manor, Wilts,

hereinafter referred to
as the party of the first part,

did on the night of October 4th last
admire, blandish, cosset and seduce

Marie, spouse to Henry Tudor,

hereinafter known as
the party of the second part.

I solemnly declare
and append my signature below

that the resulting issue,
the party of the third part,

is the consequence
of the joining together

of the part of the first part
and the second part's parts!'

As you said, very simple!

You'll sign, then?
Not on your Bonaparte!

Very well, then... Carry on!

His Excellency
the French Ambassador.

Your Majesty!

My dear Duc de Poncenay.

I trust
I do not intrude upon your time.

Not at all.

A thousand thanks, sire.

You're welcome. Cup of tea?

Mais non, sire.
I have lately partaken of elevenses.

What brings you to our court?

I am instructed
by His Majesty King Francis

to offer his most profound
congratulations!

Yes? Er...what on?

That your union
with his cousin Queen Marie

is to be blessed with issue.

And er...how did he know that?

Good news travels fast,
Your Majesty.

It's not exactly good news.
I'm not -

He was so overjoyed
that he proposed,

on the occasion of the birth,

to give you a personal presentation
of 50,000 gold crowns!

I dare say, but the point is, I'm...
50,000?

Gold crowns. But Your Majesty
was going to say something?

No, no. Nothing.

Bon! And now perhaps
I may congratulate your good queen.

Yes, well, er...
She's away visiting.

King Francis
did desire an early confirmation

of her good health and happiness.

Dine with us tonight.
She'll be back by then.

That will be most delightful,
Your Majesty!

Your servant, sire.

And yours.

Don't just stand there.
Get to the Tower and fetch her!

He's given in, milord!
He's ready to sign.

At last! Bring him in, bring him in!

My dear Sir Roger!
I'm glad you decided to give in

before things went too far!

There we are, my love. Take it easy.

We don't want anything to happen
to our precious little bundle.

Your Majesty, your cousin King
Francis wishes me to convey to you

his most joyous felicitations.

What on?
Being confined in the Tower?

What?!

Don't get excited.
Think of the baby.

They always act funny
when they're in the...issue way.

True - but what is this
about being confined in the Tower?

It's an old English tradition.

The queens
always have their babies there.

True - but does not confined
mean 'locked up'?

No, no - 'knocked up'.

It's very different.

Your quaint English customs...

They are quaint. Here's to
the successful delivery of my baby.

Your baby?
Naturally. Who else's?

You want a list?

If you don't want to go back to
the Tower, shut your drawbridge.

If it is yours, what are you
trying to make Sir Roger confess to?

Me?! I'm not trying
to make him confess to anything.

Your Majesty, I have it!
The signed confession!

Confession?! What confession?

Sir Roger's
confession of fatherhood!

I don't want it! Get a retraction!

A retraction?! You must be mad!

You know that your confession
was a deliberate lie!

What?! That nonsense
about the party of the first part.

You never even touched the Queen!
I beg your jolly pardon,

but I most certainly did!

It's a figment of your imagination!

Yes? Did you ever hear of a figment
that left teeth marks in your neck?

What I want is a signed retraction,

something like, 'The Queen and I
are just good friends.'

Oh, no! I am incapable of doing it.

Even better! Impotency. Yes!

No, no! I mean
I could never sign such a statement.

My dear Sir Roger, you don't want
to go back on the rack, do you?

Not particularly.

Do I get a retraction or not?

Not!
Not?

Not! Not?
Not!

Why do I always get notted?!

Put him back on the rack.

You're a cunning bastard.

I made a mistake, my love.

You're the only woman for me.

I just can't wait to take
your loveliness into my arms.

Every stone of it!
I'll believe that when it happens!

Wait till I get you upstairs.
I'll show you something!

Like you did the last time?

Playing all night
with your tiddlywink (?)

More music! More, I say.

Pardon, Your Majesty,

but I should be greatly honoured
if I could cut in.

Of course, my dear Duc.

No, no, Your Majesty!
I meant with Her Majesty.

Help yourself.

Everybody to his own taste...

It is indeed a joy to see you
and the Queen so happily reunited.

Yes, she's not a bad old stick.

After all, youth isn't everything.

Indeed not, sir.

It is said that there is many
a good tune played on an old fiddle.

True - particularly when you haven't
had your bow out for some time.

What do I want another wife for,
anyway? Look at this shower.

Not one
worth giving up 50,000 crowns for.

I tell you, Wols-

Wolsey,
who's that with the two beauties?

Your third wife, sire.

No! The fellow who just came in
with the two beauties.

A fellow with two beauties, milord?

Ooh! I see what you mean.

That's Charles, the Earl of Bristol,
and his daughters.

Oh... So those are Charlie's.

Why haven't I seen them
at court before?

He's been our ambassador in Spain.
They've only just come back, milord.

Looks like one of them
hasn't had time to unpack (!)

Maybe I can give her a hand.

# NEW TUNE

Oh, the pavane! My favourite!

Mine too.

Fancy that.

Yes, I'm afraid he does.

May I have the pleasure?

Oh, no. I only came here to dance.

The King
is asking you to dance, Bettina.

Oh, well, that's - the King?!

Please excuse her, Your Majesty.
'Tis her first time at court.

There's a first time for every girl.
May I, then?

Of course, Your Majesty.
If I'd known who you were,

I wouldn't have said no.
Keep saying that, and we'll be fine.

So they call you Bettina?

Yes, but most people
just call me Bet, Your Majesty.

If I'm going to call you Bet,
you must call me Madge.

All right, Madge.

You dance very well, Bet.

Thank you, Madge.

I bet
you got plenty of it in Spain, eh?

No, they never let me be alone
with anyone.

No, dancing, I mean.

Oh! Oh, yes, but it's very different
there, you know.

You see, there's these two things -

Yes, I'd noticed those.

They call them castanets.

Oh! That's a new name for 'em!

And all the time you're dancing,

they keep knocking together.

Yes, I'd noticed that, too.

It's er...chilly in here.
Shall we go to the summerhouse?

Ooh, no! I've heard what happens

to girls
who go into summerhouses with men.

Good! That should save us some time!

I mustn't! I promised my mother
I'd be a good Bet.

You're the best bet I've seen
in years!

Madge!
(GIGGLES)

Why is he taking her
into the garden?

Oh, just to get a little air, ma'am.

How many more airs does he want?

That's it...
Now you're getting the idea.

Ohh! Oh, no more.

I'm not used to that much,
you know.

It won't hurt. Just a bit more.

Nearly finished.

No... No, no!

Come on, come on!

Ooh, no! My mother says
I shouldn't have too much drink.

It can lead to a girl's ruin.

I'm starting to love your mother (!)

Drink inflames the ardour.

Yes. The more you have,
the 'arder it gets.

To stop drinking, I mean!

Ooh!
(GIGGLES)

I can hardly believe it.
Little me in the King's arms.

Well, it's the best boozer in town!

With all those
beautiful ladies there, why pick me?

Well, there's a couple of things (!)

Oh, Madge!
You're only after one thing.

Why?
What's wrong with the other one (?)

I think
you're a man with evil dimensions.

Intentions. No, my dear. I'm
about to do you the greatest honour

a monarch
can do an obedient subject.

You're going to make me a lady.

Well, not quite.
What, then?

To start with, I'll kiss you.

Mother says not to kiss men.
You never know where it will end.

Believe me, I know!

She says I must save myself
until I have a husband.

That's all right. I'm a husband.

That's right!

You are, aren't you?

Ohh!

Ohh! That was a little one.
Now show me a big one!

Ooh, no. Not now. I'm too hot.

You're laced up too tight.
Let me undo it.

Ooh, don't undo those.
I've nothing underneath.

You must be joking!
Go on. I won't look.

All right, then -
but I'll undo them,

if you promise
to keep your eyes shut all the time.

Yes, of course!

I won't be a minute.

There. That's better!

Come on! Where are you?

Ooh... Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Oh, Bet! My darling Bet!

You are beautiful!

Ooh! What have I done?!
(CHUCKLES)

You little devil, you!

(GIGGLES)

There must be
an easier way to earn a loving.

Good day, my love, good day indeed.

And where have you been
for the past two weeks?

I had to go to Bristol
to lay a foundation stone.

I rather thought
you might be laying something.

How good it is to see my dear wife

happily intent on her embroidery.
Why should I not be, milord,

when it is something to remind me
of you?

Really? Let's have a look.

It is not quite finished yet.

No, don't tell me. Er...

Oh, yes. 'Henry is a shhhining
example to one and all.'

(LAUGHS) Oh, now you have spoilt
my little surprise (!)

And talking of surprises, my love,

I have one for you, something
you have needed for some time.

Isn't it a little late?

You'll never guess - a new
lady-in-waiting. Come in, my dear!

There you are. Now, don't say
I never get you anything.

Go on. Say your piece.

Your Majesty, it is a great honour.

The King has done me.

No, no, no! No full stop.

'A great honour
the King has done me...'

Oh! That's right. Sorry.

It is a great honour
the King has done me by making me.

'By making me your lady-in-waiting!'
Dear, oh dear!

By making me your lady-in-waiting.
Dear, oh dear.

A whole month gone,
and nothing but an occasional wave

to still the fever in my blood.

Methinks it is time
we went hunting again.

I'm in no mood for that.

Oh, I have such a passion for
this wench, it rots my very socks!

Then make her yours!

I've tried! But each time my
eager hand lights upon her f-flesh,

you can hear the Wedding March!
Then you must marry her.

And lose 50,000 crowns,

perhaps for nothing?!
I've been tricked by women before.

Too often have I split open a pod
to find only shrivelled peas within!

You have not seen her without?!

No, worst luck.

If I could only be sure that the...

..were all they promised,
I would indeed risk all.

Well, sire...

There are more ways than one
to peel a banana.

Over here are petunias - Oh, lovely!
- and that's the rose garden.

They're beautiful.

The gardeners keep busy.
There's a lot of them -

well, there'd need to be.

The swans should come up shortly.

Over there, you see?

Oh, where?

Oh, yes. I've got
the biggest swan in the country.

I'll show it to you.

Just over here
you get a beautiful view.

Round about there, I would say.

Oh!

You twit!

Oh, you poor thing!

You're wet through. Let me
help you off with your clothes.

No, no! It's the wrong way round.
I was supposed to help...

That is the room
where she daily bathes at this hour.

(CACKLES)
No mistakes this time!

Don't worry, sire.
Nothing can go wrong.

All right. Let's go.

Well, come on, come on!

He won't move, sire.

Geddup, you lazy lump!

Milord! Sir Roger's given in.
He'll sign a retraction.

Thank heavens, after all these weeks
of waiting! Well, bring him in.

Cromwell, you win again.

I warned you, Sir Roger.
We'll go to...

We'll go to any lengths
to get what we want.

You sent for me, my lord?

Yes, Mistress Bet.
We're so pleased with your services

that we wish to honour you.
Ohh! Oh, how lovely.

Carry on, My Lord Cardinal.

It is Our Gracious Majesty's desire

that you be given this.

Ooh! Isn't it lovely?

Shall I put it on?

No. There's a gown
that you must put on first.

Oh. Now?

Of course.

Surely Your Grace would not ask me

to take this one off
before your eyes?

No! That's what the screen is for.

Oh,
I'm sorry I misjudged you, my lord.

Phworr!
Do you mind?

I beg your pardon, Your Majesty,

but I have ne'er seen one so...
beautifully endowed.

Those dimpled shoulders,

that slender neck...

those shell-like ears...

Later... I'm going the other way.

Sire! I have it, I have it!

(Quiet!)

There! Is it all right?

Absolutely perfect, my dear.

Cromwell, meet your future queen.

How do you do, ma'am? Here it is
at last, sire, duly signed!

Future queen?!

That's right -
as from as soon as possible.

But I have Sir Roger's retraction!
Look!

Retraction, you fool?
I want a divorce!

A divorce?! But what of Queen Marie?

Your issue? The 50,000 gold crowns?!

You charlatan! Would you put mere
gold before the wellbeing of England?

Wellbeing of England?!

If I'm happy, everybody's happy.

What are you waiting for?
Go and get that confession!

(WAILS)

There you are, then. I managed
to get your old room for you.

Please, My Lord Cardinal!
Spare me the bit about the view.

I've seen it.
Well, it won't be for long.

Just until
they get Sir Roger's confession.

You are still my friend,
art thou not?

I most definitely art, yes.

Then help me get word of this
to my cousin, King Francis.

Oh! Not another letter, please!

'Tis only a short one.

Ooh! No...

Don't worry, I'll...I'll tell him.

What do you mean,
he won't fit into it now?

The rack won't go any further.
He's outgrown it.

There must be some way.

Here, wait a minute!

What about the iron maiden?
I've never tried that.

I suppose we could give it a try.

Hello! Anyone in there?

Oh, no! It says 'Vacant', look.

(LAUGHS)
What a bit of luck!

(CREAKING)

Would you mind?

My hat... There.
I think I can manage it.

Mind you don't prick yourself.

Bye-bye.

Don't stay in there too long.
Others may want to use it (!)

Move the spikes in,
one inch daily.

Your Majesty - Did you get the
confession? It's been a whole week!

His stamina's amazing!

But I don't think he can keep it up.

I don't think I can, either.

How much longer
have we got to stand here waiting?!

Take a break. Back in an hour.

Then that is the plan. We rescue
Queen Marie from the Tower,

confront Henry with her,

and force his abdication
in her favour.

But how will we gain access to
the main gate? It's heavily bolted.

That is the main problem.

I still have that gunpowder...

Thank you, Fawkes!

Well, well.
I see you're keeping busy, ma'am.

Yes. It is a present
for my cousin Francis.

When it is finished, I would
like you to smuggle it out to him.

Ooh, I do hope
that won't be necessary, ma'am!

Sir Roger has not confessed yet?

No, ma'am, it's quite extraordinary.
Two weeks now.

Is it true? He is ready to sign?

I think so, milord. As I turned
the spikes, he cried, 'Enough!'

Good! Open up, then, quickly.

Well, well, Sir Roger.

You've had enough, then?

I'll say!

There was a shocking draught
in the most extraordinary places.

Help him out, quickly, quickly.

Sign here.
Oh, do you mind? First, please,

can I have a drink?
Yes - water, quickly.

Go to the King immediately
and tell him the good news.

Sir Roger is to sign the confession.
That's it! I'm divorced.

Come on, love. Wake up! This is it.

Where's Wolsey? Where is he?

He had to go to Canterbury
to try a witch.

Try a witch?! Why?

Don't ask me. I think they'd be
the same as any other girl.

No, no, no. He means -

Never mind! We'll do it without him.
We weren't going to do it with him!

I mean get married.

But how?
Just stand there.

'She does, I do, I now declare us' -
that's it. Through there.

Is that all?
What do you want, organ music?

I don't feel married.
You will in half an hour!

Beautiful! Every inch a queen,
and all of it accounted for.

Sh!
What are you reading?

Ball's Book of English Law.

Pardon?

No marriage is legal unless
performed by a member of the Church.

That's just Ball's... outlook.

But it says it!

I know. What you don't know is that

I made myself
head of the English Church.

Really? When?
Right now.

Oh! So it's all right, then?
I really am Queen?

Yes! Bet, Queen of England!

You must tell me what my duties are.

I'll do better - I'll show you!

(CLANG!)

How many times
do I have to tell them?!

It could have ruined my prospects.

Poor Henry! Can I do something?

If you can't,
I've been wasting my time!

Hang on...

Oh, Bet, sweet Bet. How long
have I waited for this moment?

Dear Henry. I hope I shall not be
a disappointment to you.

I'm sure you won't.

But you've had plenty of practice.

Oh, Bet! Sweet Bet!

(BANGING ON DOOR)
Go away! I'm busy!

King Francis
is just riding into the courtyard.

Francis?!

It is Francis! I'll have to go.

Keep it warm.
I'll be back as soon as I can.

Franny!
Gracie!

Oh, pardon. Lipstick.
How overjoyed I am to see you again.

And I you. I hope you
did not mind my coming unheralded.

Not at all! I am honoured
to see my dear ally at any time.

Merci!
Up ze glorious Lion of England!

And up yours. I won't keep you.

You must want to get back home.

I could not bear to leave
without first paying respects

to my dear cousin Queen Marie.

Yes... Well, now,

that's not quite possible
at the moment. No?

She's getting very near her time.

How you so quaintly put it, er,

'in ze club of ze pudding'?

That's it. Queen's pudding.

So she will be resting
in her bedchamber?

Naturally. Where else?

(LAUGHS) You know,
zis will make you laugh very much.

But an absurd rumour has reached me

zat erm... she is being confined
in ze Tower.

The Tower?!

Absurd, I know! Something about...

ze pudding not being yours.

I've never heard
anything so ridiculous in my life.

Absurd, I know.
Zat is what I tell my advisers.

You see, Bidet. I told you
there was no need to bring ze army.

Army?

Just 20,000 men.
Zey are encamped at Dover.

Fancy! Well, Dover can be very nice
at this time of the year.

I thought ze change
would do zem good. Zey are restless.

Zey have not fought for some time.

Yes. I've just had a thought.

I'll pop up
and see if Marie can see you.

Oh, zat would be most kind.

I thought so. I'll have some food
and wine brought in for you.

Oh, zat would be delightful!

Get the wine and food, keep them
occupied as long as you can.

Wolsey! Come here.
I'm so sorry. I had to -

Go to the Tower
and bring Marie back here!

Go on! Go on!

Oh, Fawkes!

You and your bloody gunpowder!

Just a minute.

Come on!

Looking after you all right,
are they, gentlemen?

Plenty of wine?

Where's King Francis?

I fear he grew impatient, my lord,

and decided to surprise the Queen.

Oh, no!

Now it's war!

Haw-haw-haw!

Surprise!

Oh, pardon, madame!

Oh, that's all right.

I-I-I thought
this was the Queen's bedchamber.

It is. Who are you, then?

Francis, King of France.

At your service.

Two kings in my room in one night!

That's going it.

Mon Dieu, you are ravishing!

Me? What we call in France,
un petit raveur.

But tell me, I must know.

Who are you?

I'm the Queen, silly!

The Queen?

Oh! You've met.

Who is zis, and er...

what does she mean by
she is ze Queen?

Did she tell you that?
She's having you on.

Naughty girl, Bettina. What
are you doing in the Queen's bed?

Waiting for you.

I understand. She is your mistress.

She is not!
She's the Queen's lady-in-waiting.

What are you talking about?
You married me!

(CHUCKLES)
Married her (!) That's a laugh.

A nice little thing,
but she hasn't got much up here.

But she makes up for it elsewhere.

Shouldn't we go back downstairs?
No, I wish to have words with
Mistress Bettina.

My dear,
are you hiding something from me?

In this nightgown?
You must be joking!

Zen zere is something I want you
to tell me very truthfully.

Yes? What?

I wish to know where Marie is.

Marie?

Oui, oui.

Oh! She's up the spout.

Er...
I don't think you quite understand.

Where...is...she?

Oh! She's upstairs.

Er...upstairs?

Yes...in the Tower.

So! It is true!

Now, wait, Franny, I can explain.

Don't bother!

I shall return...with my army.

Big mouth!

Gentlemen, we will rejoin the army!

It is war!

Franny, wait! Here, Franny!

Let me explain. You are a liar! You
said the Queen was not in the Tower.

Only because
I didn't want to worry you.

You see, I had news
of a plot on the Queen's life,

to abduct her from the palace,

So we put
the lady-in-waiting in her room,

and Wolsey took the Queen
to the Tower for safekeeping.

I hope zis time it is the truth.

Well, why should I lie?

Your Majesty!

Here's Wolsey. He'll tell you.

I have dire news.
Never mind your personal complaints!

King Francis would like to know
if the Queen is in the Tower.

No, she isn't.

You can tell him. It's all right!

But she's been abducted!

Well, Henri? What game is zis, eh?

I cannot believe it!
To lose her at such a time!

And it's all your fault,
you cardinal!

Me?! What have I done?

I entrusted her to your safekeeping,
and you betrayed my trust. Enough!

There's only one cure for traitors.
To the Tower with him!

Sire! I...

Mind my hat!
Listen, I can explain. I...

My beloved Marie.

My only true love.

Bear up. All is not lost.

She may yet be found alive.

I hope not -
er, hope all is not lost.

I cannot bear the thought

of never holding that lissome form
again. The enormity of it!

She was on the large side.

But I loved her,
every little acre of her.

I know how you feel.

I only recently lost my last queen,
you know.

No, I didn't know. How?

It was quite sudden.

She er...
caught her neck in ze guillotine.

Her Majesty Queen Marie.

BOTH: What?!

Marie! Oh, dear cousin!

Welcome, Francis.

Oh-ho!
What a joy to see you safe and well.

Thanks only to Lord Hampton.

My love! My own true love, I cannot
tell you how delighted I am.

You may not be, once you hear
what Lord Hampton has to say.

Sire, it is my painful duty -

No apologies, my dear Hampton.

It's enough
that you have saved my dear queen.

I do not think you understand -

I shall reward you suitably.

I know that you are a poor man.

Yes. But actually, I came here -

No modesty, my dear Hampton.
Give me your sword.

Kneel.

Hampton of Wick,

we do herewith dub you

Lord of the Duchy of Burkshire.

Arise, Hampton, Prince of Burks.

Sir,
I am sensible to the honour, but -

And the 10,000 crowns a year
that go with it.

I am your most loyal servant,
Your Majesty!

You have our permission to withdraw.

Lord Hampton! Have you forgotten
purpose of your coming?

Sorry, ma'am, but
I must live up to my family motto:

'Non fartum contra tonitrum',

which unhappily means,
'Fight not against thunder.'

Well, my love,
I'm glad that's all settled.

Oh, no, you don't, Henry Tudor!
I am not yet finished with you,

or that puny little Hampton!

Steady, love!
Not in front of the visitors.

You were able to silence him,

but not me! Cousin Francis, I -

Sire! Sire!

Sire, I have it!

Look! The confession, all signed!

What confession?

Sir Roger's confession of paternity
to the Que...

Oh!
Yes, well, perhaps some other time.

Just a minute. Let me see that.

So it's you that's been fermenting
this dastardly lie!

Yes... What?!

Do you think I'd believe it possible
of such a loving, virtuous wife?

But I thought I...

Base treachery!

You will go the way of all traitors.
Guards!

But I have done your bidding, sire.

Quiet! To the Tower.

Not the Tower!
Anything but the Tower!

Oh, I beseech you from my bowels!

Would you credit it?
My own Lord Chancellor.

You can't trust anyone these days.

How very true.

Now, Marie,
what were you about to tell me?

Only that...

Henry has been
a most loving and devoted husband

and will, I am certain, continue
to be so for the rest of our days.

Yes, dear. Of course, dear.

And will renounce
all other seasoning,

and convert to the garlic.

Naturally.

In zat case,
I can return to France reassured.

I am grateful for the concern
you showed my wife.

If there's
anything I can do in return...

No, no, no - oui!

There is something.
Name it. It shall be yours.

Er... Marie has a lady-in waiting,

Mistress Bettina,
who has er... held my fancy.

No, no. I -
But of course you may have her!

She would make an excellent queen!

Do you not think so, Henry?
Oh, no, not her.
Not for a great king like Francis.

Do you not think so, Henry?

Yes, dear... Wonderful.

Well, goodbye, Bet.
Bye, Henry.

Isn't it exciting?
Me, Queen of France!

Yes, innit (?)

And what a good job you found out
we weren't really married.

Yes, wasn't it (?)

Onwards.

What I do for England...

Your Majesty!
The Queen is in labour.

Don't worry.
They'll never get back in.

No, no, no. In child labour, sire.

Eh?

Blimey!

Where is he?
I must see the little ba... fella.

My son!

The image of you, dear.

Dear wife.

I am eternally grateful to you.

I shall devote the rest of my life
to you, and you alone.

Who's that? The new lady-in-waiting,
sire. Her name is Catherine Howard.

What do you mean, it's my fault?

You arranged the match with Marie.

Rubbish! It was all your idea!

It wasn't!
It was!

Liar!

Stop! Stay the execution!

What? Are we pardoned, sire?

Yes!
I have urgent need of your services.

Oh! Well, I shall be only too happy

to serve Your Majesty.

Me too, sire!
You've only to command.

I want an immediate divorce.

BOTH: Ye... What?!

Carry on, executioner, carry on!

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