All language subtitles for The.Last.Laugh.2019

You've worked hard. That's a fact.

Now, it's time to relax

and there's no better place to relax
than right here.

Palm Sunshine is not a home.

It's a paradise.

Start your day with friends by the pool,

then join us at the Sunshine Bistro
for lunch or dinner

and be sure to take a stroll
around the five acres of luscious greenery

before returning
to your easy access bungalow,

designed by famed architect Bijan Zanjan.

Feel like going shopping or to the movies?

Let our Sunshine Shuttle take you there.

But why leave when you see
who's performing at the Casbah Cabaret?

Some of the hottest acts in show business
hit the stage five nights a week.

You've taken care of business,
taken care of your family.

Isn't it time somebody took care...
of you?

? You've worked hard ?

? That's a fact ?

? Now, it's time to relax ?

? At Palm Sunshine. ?

It's The Shins.

Ah, they're terrific. Very emo.

That's really amazing!

You're, like,
only nine years behind in the times.

I've always been hip.
You know that, Jeannie.

You know,
hip people don't say that they're hip.

What am I supposed to listen to?
Lawrence Welk?

You love Lawrence Welk!
You fall asleep to him almost every night.

Did you watch the video?

The video?

Yeah, the DVD. Palm Sunshine?

Oh, you retire from the post office,
not from show business.

- You did.
- No, I didn't!

All my acts died on me, except Max Becker.
At least he's still alive.

Doesn't Max Becker have a new manager?

Yeah, but you never know.
He might drop him.

- Thank you!
- Chicken salad.

- Pastrami.
- We need pickles, the good kind.

What's on your head?

Is that make-up?

Grandpa, you fell again?

I did not fall. I was already down
and please don't use the word "again."

Shecky Greene.

You know how many people my age
know who that is? None!

Bob Hope, Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor,
all the Jacks and the Jackies.

What, you got Skinny Jack, Fat Jack,
Jack Benny,

Jackie Gleason, Jack Carter, Jackie Mason,
One-Eyed Jack...

You know? You put so much shit in my head
and I kind of love you for it.

Kind of?

Look, maybe...

Well, there was that time with the...

- the stove and then there's...
- What do you want from me, Jeannie?

I don't want you to be alone.

Happy days and a pleasant good night.

Are you a catheter user?

What if your catheter�could hide
in plain sight?

I turned 60 this year and I'm not...
Don't.

No need to applaud.

"Gee, he's really in tremendous shape.

I bet he's on a high fibre diet."

I had an oat muffin ten years ago
and I'm still shitting because of it.

I'm a manager.

Mostly, I manage comedians,
like Arty Wise.

Huh.

You a fan?

No, I don't know who that is.

Oh, well, everyone probably older
than you knows Arty Wise.

You'd know him if you saw him.

But you won't see him 'cause he's dead.

Dead and gone.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm Al Hart.

Hello?

No, I'm free. Perfect timing, yeah!

Hi, sweetheart.

How are you?

Keeping busy?

I could really use your advice, Lois.

I'm a little lost.

How about a sign?

No rain, though.

I walked here.

What am I supposed to do, darling?

? You worked hard ?

? That's a fact ?

? Now, it's time to relax... ?

I really wish you guys
could stay for dinner.

- Wednesday is Lasagna Night.
- Lasagna Night?

- Yes! Mr Hart...
- Yes?

I think that once you see the campus,

- you'll be very impressed.
- I hope so.

And what better way
to show you the grounds of Palm Sunshine

than to have one of our residents
give you a tour?

Did somebody call for a tour guide?

Come on, I don't have all day.

How long you been married?

Oh, no, this is my grandpa.

Yeah, I don't care.

No! Grandpa, come on.

- Just...
- No, let's get out of here.

No, we'll just... A couple of minutes.

Go-go dancers.

Go on, check it out!

- Let's get the hell out of here.
- Okay.

This is the mess hall.

A potato a day

and soup... made from rocks!

It's horrible!

But never, ever ask for more

or they'll put you in the Box.

The what?

The Box! People die in the Box!

Don't let them put me in the Box...

- I had no intention of...
- You gotta help me!

You gotta help me!

Please, just help me
get a message to my son!

Please!

I don't want to do Ed Sullivan.

Buddy?

Buddy Green?

Al Hart!

I don't believe this!

- I...
- I got him good!

Got me good.
You know, you son of a bitch, you got old.

- Me?
- That's how I didn't recognize you.

- You look like a mummy.
- How did you know I was even coming here?

I'm the welcoming committee.

I saw your name on the list.

Come on.

What a surprise!

This place is terrific and I mean it,

and I was the most skeptical of all
when I first moved in here.

But my son, he just...

He just talked me into it, you know?

It doesn't bother you,
being around so many old people?

Oh... no...

Never use the O word.

It's very offensive.

The politically correct term is pre-dead.

Buddy Green!
I never thought I'd see you again.

I know.

So, what happened?

Buddy was my first client ever.

He was one of the funniest up-and-comers.

I booked him everywhere.

Then we were doing two weeks
at the Elegante,

opening for Al Martino.

Jerry Vale, and it was the Copa.

No.

I specifically remember
it was Martino at the Elegante.

It was my show and it was Jerry Vale
and it was at the Copa.

You never played the Copa!
I was your manager.

- I should know.
- You are out of your mind!

- No...
- Guys, jeez! Okay.

What happened?

- I get the call.
- From Ed Sullivan?

It's every comic's dream.

It was 1967.

Last time I saw him.

So... you didn't do Ed Sullivan?

What did you end up doing?

I became a podiatrist.

You gave up show business for feet?

Yep. I had the biggest practice
in Beverley Hills...

where nobody walks.

But your grandfather
was a hell of a manager.

- I wasn't that good.
- He was a hell of a lousy manager,

- but he had a way with people.
- I've never liked people.

- He never liked people, but he liked me.
- I never liked you.

He never liked me, per se,
but he liked children.

- Not your children.
- Well, my children were terrible.

My son was a moron.

Can't even remember his own name!

This is his bit!

A guy who would keep
on changing his opinion.

I called it The Agent.

Al Hart!

It's a hell of a surprise.

So, what do you think?

How are the chicks?

Old and horny.

So, what do you think?

Not bad.

Best part of it is,
you don't gotta tip anybody.

Come on,
we're gonna go get some good seats.

They're twins.

Ah.

I gotta sit.

You know, I used to think that...

that running a marathon was... tiring.

Now, it's standing up for ten minutes.

Buddy, you coming?

Uhh... Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

Okay? All right, I'll be there.

- Who's that?
- Nobody.

Buddy...

Your girlfriend?
You have a girlfriend?

Well... the cocktail lounge is still open.

Go get yourself a drink and...

and then I'll meet you in the morning,
okay?

Does this ever happen to you,
that when you stand up,

you have to pretend
to be looking at something

- before you get your balance back?
- I don't have all night!

That's your girlfriend, isn't it?

No!

No.

- Buddy?
- It's a friend.

I think she's waiting.

Your mom.

- Yeah.
- Now is the time, Buddy.

You know, the nice thing about this place

is that you don't have
to eat anyone's shit.

Did you hear the one
about the guy who goes to the doctor,

he says, "Doctor, I pee non-stop.

I can't help it, I just keep peeing.
What shall I do?"

The doctor says, "First thing you have
to do is get off my rug."

Okay.

By the way, I got a new shipment.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, from Canada.

- All right.
- A place called Viagra Falls.

Are you telling me you can still...

Like this.

Well, sometimes it's like this.

But Cialis or Viagra, sometimes both...

Doc Ron here, he's my pusher.

If you ever need a hard-on,
this is my card.

Thank you. Thank you so much, Ron.

Get about a 10-, 15-minute semi.

I'm okay with a semi.

Can you still come?

- Can you still...
- Yes.

Excuse me - orgasm. Yeah?

If you count... dust.

That's terrible!

The last time that my wife got frisky,

we were in bed and she starts
stroking my chest and my stomach

and she slid her hand lower under my ass

and, all of a sudden, she stops

and I'm like, "Why are you stopping?"

And she says, "I found the remote."

You guys hear about Katz?

- Murray Katz?
- Stroke.

Yeah, they ran him down
to Cedars this morning.

- How is he?
- I'm gonna guess... not good.

- And Darlene Lipshaw.
- The tango dancer?

She's a good dancer.

Well, she was.

Fell in the shower, broke her hip.

Anything else?

And her nose.

Well, I want to thank you
for bringing us the good news.

That was Johnny Sunshine.

Not good.

Hear about Saul Fischer?
He won $5 at canasta,

went to bed, woke up dead.

Marty Freeman had a knee replacement.

And then they found a tumor on his spine.

That it?

That's not enough for you?

You know, I don�t think I ever knew
that you play the piano.

I'm not there yet, Buddy.

It's... a new season.

Embrace it.

George Burns. He was 100 years old.
He never retired.

Rickles. He couldn�t walk,
but he was still killing �em.

I'd rather go down working.

You're not working.

Do you have any idea how hot
old comedians are right now?

What?

There�s a lot of love for the old-timers.

- Are you smoking grass?
- Mmhmm.

- I have a card.
- Since when do you smoke pot?

Since 1965, when The Beatles started.

A pot-smoking podiatrist.

- Want some?
- Not my thing.

You never tried it, did you?

Of course I've tried it!

- It's just not my thing.
- You never tried it.

- I tried it.
- You never tried it.

Oh, God,
you're the most tragically unhip person.

- Like you're hip!
- I am. I am pretty hip.

Hip people do not say they're hip.

And just because I don't act
like a jazz musician doesn't mean I'm not.

Jazz musician?

That's your frame of reference?

That is the most unhip statement
I have ever heard.

Look... can we just talk about this,
just hypothetically?

Talk about what?

Are you telling me you don't miss it?

You could have been big.

I am big.

It's the jokes that got small.

You see? That's funny.

I'm a funny guy, you know?
I used to crack up my patients.

- You had a gift.
- I was just another comic.

I barely had an act.

You... had a personality and you still do.

And, by the way, you're in great shape.

I retired, Al, 50 years ago!

What a great comeback story!

Yeah, from bunions to Broadway!

See, you just can't help but be funny.

I'm a funny guy, okay!

Why not let me get you a few gigs?
Just a few, test the waters.

Because I'm not a comedian, Al.
I'm not!

Not any more.

Come on, what do you have to lose?

Buddy?

Go slip her that mushy semi.

Oh, boy, here we go!

Here comes the Doomsday report.

- Did you hear about Buddy?
- Huh?

Did you hear about Buddy?

- How is he?
- Not good.

Jesus, Buddy.

Her name was Gayle Johnson and...

she was wonderful.

We fell asleep watching Law and Order.

She never woke up.

I am so sorry.

Couldn't take losing
another woman I loved.

So...

I pretended I didn't love her.

Would it have killed me
to say that I loved her?

I'm sure she knew.

She was the only thing
that made this place... bearable.

That's not true.

You love it here.

I hate it.

What about all the shows...

Tone deaf singers and puppet shows.

I'm really not ready to die.

You're not gonna die.

Let's do it.

Just like in the old days.

Let's get out of here and put me to work.

Are you serious?

I'm serious as cancer.

I'm gonna book you in Vegas.

We'll play Chicago and New York and...

Buddy, I'm gonna book you
on the fucking Tonight Show.

I got doughnuts and coffee.

- Did you tell your son?
- You call your granddaughter?

Okay, hit it!

$10 they won�t make it to Glendale.

So, do you even have an act?

I never had an act.

I got 50 years of jokes.

Uhh.. Woah... You missed the exit!

Aren't we going to Vegas?

- Practically.
- What do you mean, "practically"?

Vegas is oversaturated.
I got us something better.

You couldn't book me in Vegas.

Of course I could.

It's your first gig in a long time.

Let's stay under the radar
while you get your chops back.

So, where am I playing?

It's a little off-Strip.

Look at that - practically Vegas.

You are out of your mind.

Oh, I need some mascara.

What?

You know, some mascara.

Hi there. We're playing the Kickapoo Room.

Do I check in here?

Kickapoo Room? That's at the Palace,
about a mile down the road.

- It's about a mile...
- I heard.

It's called paying your dues.

Am I the only one
that gets a rush of adrenaline

when the radio DJ cuts his dismount

a little too close
to the song's beginning?

"You're listening to 90.1 The Patch

and we're having
such a smooth time here today."

You gotta get out of there, Mike!

Tracey Chapman's nipping at your heels,
buddy!

Show us your tits, sweetie.

I went to theater school
and I caught the bug in high school

and by "the bug,"
I mean narcissistic personality disorder.

- But...
- No, you mean AIDS.

Oh, for the love of God!

I bet you can fit that microphone
in your mouth, boy.

- You nervous?
- No!

What have I got to be nervous about?

- Hey, I found mascara.
- Oh, that's great!

Great!

What's it for?

I told you - don't ask.

I don't think I can connect with you.

I think in order to connect,
I'd have to unread a lot of things.

All right! Well, I'm gonna go
wade into a river Virginia Woolf-style.

Good luck at your next book burning, sir.
Thank you so much.

I've been Paula Poundstone.

Have a great night and give it up
for your next poor son of a bitch...

Buddy Green!

It�s not worth it.
Just get in your car and keep driving.

Thank you.

Oh, wow!

Okay.

Here's the deal.

I have not been on a stage in about...

50 years.

No joke!

I used to do this for a living

and I just decided to come back
and do it for the laughs.

No one's laughing!

Okay.
So, I've been getting into online dating

and I actually found
a really nice gal online...

at the Souplantation.

'Cause old people like to eat soup.

Ha Ha.

I am getting old.

So is your act.

It was nice of the meth lab
to let you out to see the show.

And, by the way, nice mullet.

Who does your hair? NASCAR?

All right, I should leave him alone.

Poor guy hasn't gotten laid
since he made parole.

And I can talk.
I haven't had sex since Watergate.

I'm just kidding.

My wife loved sex, though.

Her favorite position
was the missionary position.

That's where she's in bed, on her back

and I'm in Africa.

You were a hit!

I pummeled at the Palace.

I was the Rickles of the reservation.

This is great. You know,

we're cutting our teeth
on these little podunk towns,

but by the time we get to New York City,

you're gonna be in top form.

Hey, have you heard
from Carson's people yet?

Buddy, you're two hosts behind.

- Fallon.
- We're trading calls.

It's Vic Lardo.

He used to book for Letterman.

An old friend. He owes me big-time,
you know, so...

Anyway, they know the situation
and they're interested.

Beyond interested.

Just trying to figure out the dates.

Boy, that would be great.

You're a real pothead, aren't you?

It's medicine.

It helps me relax.

So, where in San Diego are we playing?

It's a little south of the city.

A great club.

You call your granddaughter?

No, I'll call her tomorrow. I'm tired.

You call your son?

No, not yet.

I'll call him tomorrow. I'm too tired.

Hey, Al?

Yeah, Buddy?

Thanks.

It's what I do.

You know, I met Arty Wise once
in the Catskills.

He gave me a compliment.

He liked your act?

No, he liked my suit.

He didn't say anything about my act!

Oh, man. He was my last client.

He retired at the peak of his career.
You know, I still get calls for him.

Oh, that must have really pissed you off
when he retired.

Ah, not at all, really.

You know what your problem is?

- Never trust a guy who starts with that.
- You are filled with resentment.

All built-up...

I am being psychoanalyzed
by a foot doctor.

Like one of those cans of peanut brittle
with the snakes all scrunched up inside.

Someone comes up
and asks for some peanut brittle,

and they open it up
and Al snakes everywhere.

I don�t know
what the fuck you�re talking about.

Anyway...

you ever notice how old people eat,
you know?

No.

No, wait, it's more like this.

That's exactly...
That's right. It's like this.

Hello!

You know,
we passed San Diego 20 minutes ago.

Where is this club?

Just a little south of here.

This is Tijuana.

It's a tourist town.

- It's Tijuana!
- You don't think they have nightclubs?

I know they have nightclubs in Tijuana!

I saw a broad fuck a burro once
in a nightclub in Tijuana.

There's no burro fucking in this,
I promise.

It's legit, seriously.

Legit! Do you read a newspaper?

Tijuana is practically
a suburb of San Diego.

My son lives in the suburbs, okay?

In the suburbs, they have Olive Gardens!

Thank you. It's great to be here.

I actually live
in the Los Angeles section of Mexico.

He got that laugh.
I didn't get that laugh. Wait a minute.

All right, listen, thank you very much.

I think I can do this by myself.

Okay? I appreciate it.

See? We understand each other.

We have a lot in common.

I grew up in a bad neighborhood, too.

South side of Chicago.
Very tough neighborhood.

But like Tijuana,

it's a really wonderful place
to grow up...

if you're a bullet.

Things are getting pretty bad
for you guys up in the States.

I smoke marijuana
and my dealer is Mexican.

I called him the other day
and he brought a couple of ounces of weed

and I asked him if he had any papers
and he ran away!

You did it again!

In Tijuana! Who'd-a-thunk?

I know! It's like...

Hey, Americans!

Hey, where do you go
to have a good time in this town?

Don't we get a telephone call?

We've got a sick man here.

How are you doing, Buddy?

You never drink the water.
Everyone knows that.

What?

Soborno.

What's soborno?

Bribe.

Nationality?

What do you think?

You drink the Pepto?

Yeah.

That's good.

I just need sleep.

You'll sleep well tonight in Tucson.

You can do it.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Great.

Let's ride!

All the way from Los Angeles,

let's give a big hand for Buddy Green!

Hi.

Well, there go my Asian jokes.

But I'm gonna tell you,
I don't like ethnic jokes.

I really don't. Now, there is a fine line.

For instance, when I first came up here,
I'll tell you,

and I don't think this is racist,

when I first came up here,
I looked out at you

and I got a little hungry.

Vic! Calling you from sunny Tucson.

Yeah, beautiful town.

Oh, yeah,
they�re taking great care of us.

Beautiful hotels!

Yeah, slowly but surely.

We'll be in Chicago by next Friday.

Oh, the response has been terrific.

Well, I mean, it's a great story.

You'd be crazy not to jump on it.

Oh, I really appreciate it, Vic.
I'm gonna owe you big-time.

Oh, so we're looking at
about another ten days on the road.

Sure. Are you kidding?
Those dates would be perfect.

Did you talk to Fallon directly?

Oh.

No, of course not, yeah.

But you told them the whole story,
right?

Well, they've got to be moved.

Yeah. Yes, it's a hell of a story, Vic.

- What?
- Oh, no!

What...

Holy shit!

What did you do?

Doing this stuff again!

Oh, God!

I... You...

It's okay. They're gonna... There he goes.

We're good.

You just threw away an ounce
of top-shelf indica.

Hey!

What? What happened?

You fell asleep.

What time is it?

Let me ask you a question.

Is it gonna be like this
all the way to New York?

Because I need some rest.

Okay. We have Lubbock tonight,

and then you�ll have the whole day
to rest in Kansas.

Ooh, a whole day! Ooh, in Kansas!

You know,
you've been very irritable since Tijuana.

It's one state over!

It's completely out of the way.

Now, I can't score weed in Texas.

It's a police state.
I gotta go to Colorado.

Willie Nelson doesn't have a problem
scoring in Texas.

Willie Nelson gets a day off!

Willie Nelson tours all the time.

I've got news for you.

This is not a tour.

This is a death march.

- I need my weed, Al.
- Okay!

I will buy pot for you.

I will buy you a brick of Maui Whoopee.

Would you just stop eating
those fucking potato chips?

Thank you, Al.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

This next comic has got me all excited.

So, let's give
a great big old Lubbock, Texas welcome

for Mr Buddy Greenberg!

Show 'em what you got!

It's Buddy Green.

Drop the "berg."

Evening, fellas!

You boys from around here?

Al Hart, from Los Angeles.

Would any of you gentlemen know
where I could procure...

you know, a small amount of marijuana?

The last time that I was in Texas,

the men brought their horses
in and left their wives tied up outside.

Hey! What's up?

How's it hanging?

Listen,
you look like some pretty cool dudes.

I'm just looking to score
a little bit of Mary Jane,

you know, some wacky weed.

Pot.

Well?

And stay in school!

I think Texas gets a bad rap.

I'm always defending Texas.

I mean, I don"t think that you guys
would just execute any black person.

Did you hear about the cowboy
who wore brown paper bags for clothing?

He got picked up for rustling.

- Maybe this'll cheer you up.
- Oww.

- What?
- Sorry.

Are you kidding?

Where'd you get this?

I got it from a jazz musician.

Yeah, right!

Thanks.

- Thanks, man.
- Wait a minute.

It's Jeannie.

Your granddaughter.

- What do I do?
- Answer it.

Isn't it a little late?

It's true. That's true. It's very late.

- It's too late to be calling.
- What if it's an emergency?

You're the only emergency possible
and you're alive.

Yep. She can leave a message.

Well, I got a good feeling about Kansas.

Hey, Buddy... I never asked you.

Why did you quit?

Well...

I had a house in the Hills.

I had a swimming pool.
I had a brand-new Jaguar every two years.

I had a wife, who gave me a son,

who gave me three grandchildren.

So, what the fuck did I quit?

"There were only three things standing
between me and Yasgur's Farm that summer.

Two of those hurdles
were not having a car or money.

That wouldn�t stop me
from seeing Janis Joplin at Woodstock.

It was the third obstacle
that was the most difficult.

I was 12.

So, this girl from Overland Park

did what any typical seventh grader
would do.

She tried to hitchhike.

My thumb was out no more than five minutes
before the car pulled up,

which was a 1965 Buick Special.

Coincidentally, the same car
that my father drove,

which wasn't really a coincidence
because it was my father.

I never made it to Woodstock

and I spent those last days of summer
locked in my bedroom,

dreaming of Janis,
who would be dead the following year."

Well, that's the end of the chapter.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, that's so sweet! Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- MInd if I...
- Please.

I liked your reading.

Oh, thanks. It's a work in progress,
like my life.

I'm Al, by the way.
Al Hart from Los Angeles.

- Doris Lovejoy from...
- Overland Park?

- Yeah!
- Lovejoy...

Lovejoy - is that your stage name?

No. I'm an eighth Pawnee.

- Oh, the Pawnee Lovejoys.
- Yeah!

So, Al Hart from Los Angeles,
what brings you to Kansas City?

I'm on tour.

I knew you were a rock star.

More like Elvis's grandfather.

Say, I'm not usually this forward.

Doris, would you like to have dinner
with me tomorrow?

I don't know, Al. That is just so forward.

You're right.

How about... just soup?

So, do you want my number?

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Let your imagination soar
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Don't touch that dial!

Coming up next, the champagne sounds
of The Lawrence Welk Show.

And now, here's your host, Lawrence Welk.

Arty Wise?

I adore him!
I used to watch him on Ed Sullivan.

I even went to Vegas to see him once.

Those are my racist family relics.

I painted my family heirlooms.

So, what was he like?

Arty?

He was a mensch.

Stayed with me to the end.

You've reached Al Hart
at Al Hart Management.

Please leave a message at the beep
and we'll get right back to you.

So, what about you?
What were you doing back in the day?

I was probably booking Pat Henry
for Sinatra at the Fontainebleu.

Wow!

You are so hip.

To be honest, I never even smoked pot.

How is that even possible?

I don't like to lose control.

All right, take a hit. There you go.
Oh, wow!

That's it, okay. Hold it in.

That was a good hit!

I might as well suck on a muffler.

One more like that
and you'll be good to go.

Here you go.

That's good. Wonderful...

Oh, my God.
I know someone who's gonna love you.

I was an art teacher
before I retired.

I used to paint, but now I do these.

They're magnificent.

Thank you.

No, really.

These are like... Rodin meets Larry Flynt.

I just think it's wonderful
that you guys are doing this.

It must be so exciting
to be back on the road again.

But why did he quit
right before Ed Sullivan?

You would think
he'd want to go out with a bang.

That's a good question.

I don't know.

See what happens when you lose control?

Hey, where are you?

We're supposed to have dinner.

Listen, Buddy,

you mind eating on your own tonight?

Why? What's going on?

It's a long story.

I kind of met someone.

It's crazy!

Hold on.

She came.

I'll explain later.

Maybe you can just order from room service
or something. What do you think?

Sure. I'll have them send up a filet
and a crack pipe.

- I'm feeling a little strange, Doris.
- Yeah.

How y'all doing tonight?

Ah, I'm stuffed.

I love barbecue.

Look at the stars.

Oh, wow!

- What are you doing?
- Oh.

Sometimes in special moments,

I just like to feel the ground.
You should try it.

I never take my shoes off on a first date.

Is this a date?

I don't know.

- Well...
- Is it?

Whatever it is,
it's a pretty special moment.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

That's very nice.

Where am I?

Oh, you find that funny?

An old man is lost
and you find that funny?

I discovered him.

Twice.

Okay!

So, what's your plan?

Or are you winging it?

What do you mean?

I mean the girl.

What are you doing?

I don't know.

In all my years,
I've never picked up a girl on the road.

Is she gonna go all the way
to New York with us?

Would you mind if she did?

I don't mind. It's your life.

You see?

You do mind.

There are just certain things
I might have wanted to talk to you about...

What certain things?

Stuff to... talk about.

So, we talk.

Forget it. To hell with me!

Okay, Slim Jims, Cheetos,
pork rinds, cookies!

Hello.

Hi!

Hi!

That's the Palmer House.

I booked you in the Empire Room.

- Remember you were opening for Al Hirt?
- Bobby Hackett.

Bullshit!

Mister Kelly's was right there.

You played on a bill
with Barbra Streisand.

She was probably 19 years old.

I tried to bang her.

Back there, that was the Gate of Horn.
You opened for Peter, Paul and Mary there.

The Kingston Trio.

All those great clubs - gone.

Where the hell do people go now?

- What are you doing?
- I don't know.

Why aren't you in there with her?

I don't know.

- Isn't that the point?
- We never discussed it.

I'm out of practice,
I don't know what I'm doing.

Isn't it obvious that she wants you

- to spend the night with her?
- You don't know that.

Well, why the hell else would she be here?

- I don't want to be presumptious, okay?
- Oh, God!

You are so nuts!

Hey, guys,
you want to keep it down out here?

- What's going on?
- Don't worry, get back in the room.

You think you're hot shit
'cause you're in Jerry Springer!

- Loser!
- What if she says no?

I can't take the rejection.

Then you can spend the night
in here with me.

You ask her.

Just ask her where I'm sleeping,
that's all.

Don't... Hey, no.

I'm sorry, I don't want to know.

Look, Al...

she's a free love hippie spirit
who went to Woodstock.

If you don't go in there, I will.

I gotta take this.

Vic! How are you?

I've been waiting for your call.

Yeah. So, what's the latest?

I'm so sorry.

Who am I kidding?

You can't just get somebody
on The Tonight Show.

Well,
look at all that you've accomplished.

I would say you've been a great success.

I think it's wonderful
that you're doing what you love,

but what about
when you can't do it anymore?

I will never play canasta!

I will not take the short bus
to the mall ever again!

All I know how to do is work.

I don't know who I am without it.

You know what I do�when I have
a really hard decision to make?

Mushrooms.

Shrooms?

Jesus Christ! I'm falling for a pusher.

It's a beautiful night, Al,

and only good things happen
when we let go.

Uh... Okay.

I am thinking about a song.

What?

I'm thinking about
bringing a song into the act.

I think it will be a great thing
for The Tonight Show.

I don't like it.

- Why not?
- I don't like when comedians sing.

I hate musicals.

When somebody just breaks out into song
for no damn reason...

That makes me sad.

I love musicals.

How are you feeling, Buddy?

Like a chaperone on prom night.

Oh, my gosh, look at you guys!

Wow, what an entrance!

Hey, Jimbo!

Al Hart. How are you?

Never better, man.
I want you to meet somebody.

Buddy Green.

- Wow, what an honor!
- Oh, thank you.

I heard you took a few years off,
like your entire career?

Yeah, a few.

You look fantastic, Jimbo.
Did you lose weight?

- I put on 75 pounds.
- Oh, that's what I mean.

You look good for a fat guy.
Your clothes are very stylish, though.

- I bought these at Goodwill.
- Stylish in 1985.

How's your beautiful wife?

She left me two years ago.

Ah, good riddance.

- Never liked her.
- Hey!

Are you stealing my bit?

Wait a minute. The Agents is your bit?
I thought it was Al's.

Al wouldn't know funny if it blew him.

I think he's hilarious.

For a manager, but as a manager...

He booked you here.

He drove us here.

- He's a terrible driver.
- He drove from LA!

Like a pilot.

- All right.
- Jimbo, I want you to meet Doris.

Doris, Jimbo.

I'm the mascot!

Look at you. You're beautiful!
You're a two knuckler.

What's a two knuckler?

All right, here,
let me show you your dressing room.

- Come on. We'll be back out soon.
- Yeah, we'll be right in.

I'm starting to feel a little tingly.

God, you look good!
That's a beautiful dress.

I don't know, I feel...

Look at the colors, even at night!

It's good.

I feel footloose and fancy free.

Grandpa!

How strong is this shit?

I don't think you're hallucinating yet.

- Hey!
- Jeannie!

Hi!

What are you doing here?

- This is Charlie Green. It's Buddy's son.
- Hi.

Is this real?

- This is Charlie Green?
- Yeah.

This is real?

I remember you
when you were just a small girl.

I'm kidding you, Charlie.
Your dad talks about you a lot.

Is he okay?

He's in top form.

He just went in if you want to,
you know...

- Okay, I'm gonna go in.
- Okay.

- Excuse me, my dad is inside.
- Okay.

You've grown into a fine young man,
Charlie.

Okay. All right.

A little uptight, huh?

He's upset. You never called.

- I didn't call?
- You know you didn't call.

- I could have sworn we just talked.
- Grandpa!

I've heard so many lovely things
about you.

Oh, thank you.

- I'm sorry, who are you?
- I'm Doris.

I met Doris in Kansas.

Not bad, huh?

Grandpa's still got game.

Grandpa...

Can we talk for a sec?

Sure, you two talk.
I'm gonna go pet the horse.

Okay.

His name is Lincoln, as in Abraham.

No relation.

It's really good to see you, kid.

It's good to see you, Dad.

But what the hell are you doing?

I'm on tour.

Since when does my father,

Dr Edward Green, podiatrist, go on tour?

You know, nobody ever asked their parents:

"What did you do
before you were a parent?"

This is what I did, Charlie.

I do not understand.

I was a comic.

And I could have been maybe big,
maybe not.

But I didn't stick around long enough
to find out.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Are you losing your mind, too?

I had a cousin, Murray.

He left his wife and kids and he moved
in with a man named Little Leo.

Nobody ever asked Murray, "What did you do
before you were a parent?"

Are you gay, too, Dad?

No.

I'm a closeted comedian.

That life isn't for me, sweetheart.

I felt like an inmate.

So, you drag Buddy into this?

I didn't drag him anywhere. He came.

This was his idea.

Maybe I put the idea in his head,
but it was his decision.

He shouldn�t be exerting himself.

Exerting? The guy was humping every night
back at the home!

Lucky bastard!

Okay. Grandpa, this is dangerous!

How is it dangerous?
I mean, he�s in better shape than me.

You don't know, do you?

Why are you so upset? Why?

Really?
None of this makes any sense to you?

Okay, hey!

You were missing. Vanished.

And now I find you living some secret life
as Rodney Dangerfield,

and I'm just supposed to be thrilled
that you suddenly found yourself at 80?

Yes.

Charlie, I know what I�m doing

I'm a grown man.

You're also a sick man.

Why do you even bring that up?
What does that have to do with anything?

I feel fine.

Oh, my God...

It's pancreatic.

Oh, Jesus!

That's... the worst kind. I...

Charlie thinks
that this trip could kill him.

I don�t know
how to process this right now.

Grandpa, are you all right?

Here. Are you Okay?

It's just the shrooms.

How bad is he?

It's terminal.

What do you mean, "shrooms"?

When I was a kid, my friends always used
to want to eat dinner at our house.

I couldn�t understand it
because Mom wasn�t that great a cook.

But almost every day,

someone would ask, �Hey, Charlie,
can I come over for dinner?�

For a second, I thought I was popular.

You cracked those kids up.

You were always
the funniest dad in the world.

You didn't give up a career.

You just... found a different audience.

I want my kids to have that experience
while they can.

They deserve to laugh like that.

They haven't heard them all yet.

Hey...

Oh, Jesus, come on!

Don't be so dramatic.

What am I supposed to do?

Charlie, I've had a great life.

I didn't live it exactly the way
I thought I would,

but at least let me die the way I want.

I should have known.
All that pot he smokes...

He calls it his medicine.

Al, he�s all settled.
I�m gonna get you to the table.

Mascot?

How's everybody doing?

He's making a comeback, actually,
after 50 years.

50. That's 5-0, folks.

I am serious as a heart attack.
I hope he doesn't have one.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the stage

Buddy Green!

I love you.

Okay, here's the deal.

You are out of your mind.

? When the day turns to night ?

? And the sun is out of sight ?

? And the moon... ?

Is he singing?

No.

Now, you're hallucinating.

? When the band begins to play ?

? And the crowd starts to sway ?

? My nerves never fray ?

? I've found my ray ?

? Of light... ?

Are you seeing this?

No.

? But clouds always scatter ?

? And we know that's true ?

? When the footlights are hot ?

? But the audience is not ?

? My stomach's not in knots ?

? I've found my spot ?

? 'Cause life will bite ?

? Don't fight or flight ?

? Just find ?

? Your light ?

Mr Sullivan? Ed?

Grandpa, where are you going?

Hey, Al,
thanks for making my dad so happy.

Hey, Buddy!

? You've worked hard ?

? That's a fact ?

? Now, it's time to relax ?

Do you know what you need, Al?
We need to go dancing.

? When life pulls a gun ?

? And it stops being fun ?

? And the world weighs a ton ?

? Find the sun ?

? When a girl meets a guy ?

? Who are we to ask why? ?

? If we jump, we can fly ?

? And I'm sky high ?

? Life is about the things we don't know ?

? Look what can happen when you go ?

? Go, go, go ?

? When you give up the fight ?

? And you exit stage right ?

? When you're all dressed in white ?

? It's all right ?

? You paid your debts ?

? There's no regrets ?

? From the lowest low to the highest high ?

? Just hold on tight ?

? And find your light ?

? Find your light ?

? Find your light ?

"Dear Al, I suck at goodbyes.

That was the best night I've had in years.

You're amazing,

but you and Buddy can use
some space right now.

Remember to take your shoes
off and feel the ground sometimes.

Love, Doris."

Ah.

Where did you disappear to last night?

The best show I ever gave
in my whole life.

Where did you find it?
I thought I lost it.

And wait a minute...

have you seen this?

Second page of the entertainment section.

Fallon's people will love this.

If we hit the road now,
we can make Youngstown by dinner.

- We can make New York by lunch...
- It's not happening.

What?

Vic didn't come through. I'm sorry.

Look, we did it.
We played all the way to Chicago.

Let's go back and celebrate.

What the fuck is this?

Do you think that I give a shit
about The Tonight Show?

That was your idea, anyway!

I'm going to New York!

It's finished, Buddy.

It's time to... you know, retire.

You drag me through the dregs
of third-rate nightclubs

so I can shit my guts out,

almost get lynched in Lubbock
with that kooky broad

and now you're telling me...
that I've got to quit?

- Maybe that is why Max Becker fired you.
- That's bullshit.

Maybe that is why
Max Becker is doing the Colbert show

and you are trying to drag me
back to that fucking home.

That's bullshit and you know it!

Becker's playing Colbert. Well, fuck him.
And fuck you.

Fuck me?

You're the one who's quitting.

Oh, really?
You want to talk about quitting?

You fucked me over, Buddy.

- Oh, here we go.
- You almost killed my career.

You let me holding my dick,
just like Arty.

- I should have anticipated this.
- Just like Becker.

You all quit on me, Buddy.

My whole life, I never quit on one soul.

Until now.

I know you're sick, Buddy.

Jeannie told me, yeah.

Motherfucker...

Why didn't you tell me?

I was gonna tell you after Kansas.

But that's when
you brought the girl along.

Christ, sucking...

terminal goddamn pancreatic bullshit.

I...

I could have... two more months
or maybe a year.

Fucking doctors can't make up their minds.

It's like the guy whose doctor tells him,
"You've got six months to live."

And the guy says, "I can't pay the bill."

And the doctor says,
"Okay, I'll give you another six months."

I don't regret the choices I've made, Al.

But...

If we quit now...

that will be the only thing...

this dying man will truly regret.

Way to fucking milk that disease!

Hold it!

Oh, shit!

- Shit?
- Shit!

- Shit.
- We're not stopping you.

We're going with you.

No shit?

- No shit!
- Shotgun!

? I'll show you around ?

? I love it ?

? Bet your bottom dollar
You'll lose your blues ?

? In Chicago ?

? Chicago ?

? The town
That Billy Sunday could not shut down... ?

- Who's Billy Sunday?
- Some asshole.

- ?Boys and girls together ?
- Yeah.

? Me and Mamie O'Rourke ?

? We tripped the light fantastic ?

? On the sidewalks of New York... ?

It's instant.

I don't have a coffee maker.
I don't like clutter.

That's a touching story, Al.

I really feel for the guy.

He should have a shot.

Especially at the Ed Sullivan Theater.

That would be... poetic and satisfying,
I'm sure.

But not in my slot!

You got a lot of years ahead of you, Max.

Not to mention...

and I'm not trying to play the guilt card,
but you kind of owe me one.

I'm sorry, refresh my memory.

Did you not get your 10%?

Is there some outstanding balance
I don't know about?

You know what I'm talking about.

police

- That was...
- Look, Max,

I didn't come here looking for an apology
or a handout.

I came to appeal... to you...
as a human being.

I'm not a human being. I'm a comedian!

A comedian
with serious fucking money troubles!

Look, do I feel bad that I left you?

Sure.
Likewise, I feel bad for your friend.

But...

But too fucking bad!

I got two mortgages I can't afford,
I got two ex-wives,

who are fucking serious
bloodsucking vampires

and a kid who's in rehab
for the second time.

I get on Colbert and my quote skyrockets.

My profile rises.

The offers come in.

I'm making money again.

I'm sorry your friend's gonna die,
but he had his shot.

I need this, Al,
because my life depends on it.

What do you want?

Huh?

How much do you want for your slot?

Are you bribing me?

I call it a soborno.

So, tell me... how much do you need?

I think you should go.

The first comic I ever booked
got paid 50 bucks.

My take was $5.

That was in 1963.

And that $5 is still sitting at the bottom
of a big, fat, useless bank account

with a million more fives
that never bought me a scrap of joy

without the ability to earn it.

You see, I'm one of those guys
who didn't work to live.

I live to work.

I live to work.

But now...

Now, I don't work.

Which means I have
to figure out how to live.

So, I don't have
a fucking life right now, Max.

But I need one.

And you're gonna give it to me.

So, I'll ask one more time.

How much do you need
to let us have your slot?

It's The Late Show
with Stephen Colbert.

Tonight, Ryan Reynolds.

Plus, Stephen welcomes Bernadette Peters
and comedian Max Becker.

Live on tape from the Ed Sullivan Theater
in New York City, it's...

How you feeling, Mr Green?

Could you turn that thing off?

You're good.

You look great.

I look like shit.

A big, steaming pile of it.

- But your tuxedo...
- My tuxedo's older than me.

At least you have an act.

I don't have an act.

Yeah, you don't.
That's 'cause you're senile.

This man right here is a liar.

Ryan Reynolds, everybody.

You did this, Al.

Nah.

It was all Max.

Remember this?

- Yeah.
- Go get 'em!

It's Tuesday.

It's Thursday!

How dare you, Ryan!

Hey, Buddy!

Knock 'em dead!

Hey...

what happened to your shoes?

Long story.

Ryan Reynolds, everybody!

This a crazy story, folks.

Fifty years ago, a comic was given a shot
on The Ed Sullivan Show

in this very theater, but for some reason,
it never happened.

When I heard that he wanted to come back

and give it a go again
after all that time,

I was so moved

that I felt
that I had to help make this happen.

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the stage,
the great Buddy Green!

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're very kind.

I want you to know
this is my first comeback

without someone yelling, "Clear!"

I've been performing
for the last couple of weeks,

you know, cutting my teeth
in clubs all across the country

and I did a little TV, too.

You may recognize me
from America's Got Dentures.

See, that's a cheap joke.

I used to tell a lot of cheap jokes,
but I am done.

I'm done with cheap jokes.

Jokes are easy. People email jokes

and if you have a relative of my age,
you know exactly what I'm talking about

because there is nothing more dangerous
than an old man attached to the internet.

We know just enough�to type
the word "funny" with one finger...

My manager wouldn't have done this for me.

I'm not taking any new clients right now.

My idea of a remote control

is telling my grandson
to change the channel.

And I don't like making fun of old people.

Growing old is serious business.

That's why we're angry all the time.

And what we're really angry at is time
and you can't get angry at time,

so we take it out on waiters and children
and people who love us.

Did you ever see an old person
in a restaurant not send the meal back?

"Give me a perfect frigging meal.
I am about to die."

So, that's why I don't tell jokes anymore.

It's a waste of time.

Life is a big enough joke.

And that's why we need funny people.

Not just on TV, but at work, at home...

at the doctor's office.

It took me 50 years to figure that out
and I still can't use the remote.

One more thing.
Ed Sullivan - if you're watching,

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'll see you soon.

Gentlemen, I am well aware
of the unpleasant news

that I've brought you in the past.

But I tell you something.
Nothing - and I mean nothing -

could prepare me for this one.

Did you hear about Al?

Apparently, he lost everything.

Forced to move into
some old folks' home in the Midwest.

Can you imagine being sent
to a place like that?

If I could stand up,

I'd hang myself.