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1
00:00:00,657 --> 00:00:02,385
What you talking 'bout, Mr. D.?
2
00:00:03,652 --> 00:00:06,781
(Adult Adam) Back in the '80s,
these were the dads on TV.
3
00:00:06,901 --> 00:00:10,222
They were loving, nurturing,
and, quite often, millionaires.
4
00:00:10,253 --> 00:00:11,067
(Record needle scratches)
5
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,286
Unfortunately, none of
these were my father.
6
00:00:13,353 --> 00:00:15,908
Now this was my dad, Murray Goldberg,
7
00:00:15,947 --> 00:00:18,216
a man who lacked both patience and pants.
8
00:00:18,231 --> 00:00:19,741
Why you gotta be a moron all the time?
9
00:00:19,788 --> 00:00:20,961
(Mouth full) What did I do?
10
00:00:20,961 --> 00:00:22,009
How many times I gotta tell ya?
11
00:00:22,024 --> 00:00:24,668
Don't touch the damn thermostat!
12
00:00:24,669 --> 00:00:26,440
It's like 900 degrees in here!
13
00:00:26,441 --> 00:00:27,371
You don't get that 'cause
14
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,790
you're in your underpants all the time.
15
00:00:28,821 --> 00:00:31,636
The A.C. is for emergency use only.
16
00:00:31,705 --> 00:00:33,471
What do you think I'm made of, cold air?
17
00:00:33,539 --> 00:00:34,186
More like hot air.
18
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:36,056
Oh, that's so damn funny.
19
00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:37,614
That's how I remember my dad...
20
00:00:37,666 --> 00:00:40,231
pants-less, pissed off,
and far from a millionaire.
21
00:00:40,231 --> 00:00:41,615
Don't touch the damn thermostat!
22
00:00:41,647 --> 00:00:43,437
I mean, really? How many times?!
23
00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:45,916
And then there was my
mom, Beverly Goldberg.
24
00:00:45,955 --> 00:00:47,356
She was always there for us,
25
00:00:47,387 --> 00:00:49,897
even when she probably shouldn't have been.
26
00:00:50,225 --> 00:00:51,203
(Gasps)
27
00:00:51,227 --> 00:00:52,392
Ah! Ooh!
28
00:00:52,439 --> 00:00:54,910
Mom, you gotta stop watching me sleep.
29
00:00:55,030 --> 00:00:57,147
Well, if you'd let me stare
at you during the daytime,
30
00:00:57,155 --> 00:00:58,736
we wouldn't have to do this little dance.
31
00:00:58,743 --> 00:00:59,791
I thought I locked the door.
32
00:00:59,814 --> 00:01:01,238
(Laughs) Oh, please.
33
00:01:01,245 --> 00:01:03,760
Get up. (Singsongy) We're
going clothes shopping today!
34
00:01:03,828 --> 00:01:04,726
(Clicks tongue)
35
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:06,775
About that... I... I was thinkin',
36
00:01:06,822 --> 00:01:10,099
can I pick out my own outfit
for the first day of school?
37
00:01:13,438 --> 00:01:15,722
Okay. What size pants do you wear?
38
00:01:16,066 --> 00:01:16,926
Uh...
39
00:01:17,046 --> 00:01:19,749
3... large?
40
00:01:19,968 --> 00:01:22,385
(Laughs) See? You need me.
41
00:01:22,505 --> 00:01:24,027
Mom, it's the first day of seventh grade.
42
00:01:24,147 --> 00:01:25,224
I wanna look cool.
43
00:01:25,263 --> 00:01:27,484
Well, who is cooler than your mom?
44
00:01:27,805 --> 00:01:30,073
All... the people?
45
00:01:30,193 --> 00:01:31,629
(Laughs)
46
00:01:31,749 --> 00:01:33,294
You have terrible morning breath.
47
00:01:33,349 --> 00:01:35,922
Brush your teeth, get dressed, let's jam.
48
00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,565
(Curtain rings swoosh) Mom!
49
00:01:38,784 --> 00:01:41,732
And so I went back-to-school
shopping with my mom.
50
00:01:41,779 --> 00:01:43,953
I got new clothes and new nightmares
51
00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:44,821
all in one day.
52
00:01:44,941 --> 00:01:46,135
- Miss?
- Whoa.
53
00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:49,326
I need the next size up in
these pants for my little boy.
54
00:01:49,328 --> 00:01:49,993
(Pats leg)
55
00:01:50,014 --> 00:01:52,181
These are too tight in
the crotchular region.
56
00:01:52,204 --> 00:01:54,425
She wasn't want you'd
call great with boundaries.
57
00:01:54,464 --> 00:01:56,193
In the crotchal region!
58
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,689
I can't send my son to school
like this, but I like the pants.
59
00:01:59,809 --> 00:02:01,793
While my mom had a hands-on approach,
60
00:02:01,801 --> 00:02:03,479
my dad... not so much.
61
00:02:03,599 --> 00:02:05,899
Don't come in here. I'm watching TV.
62
00:02:06,019 --> 00:02:07,784
Come on. I'm going out. Give me 20 bucks.
63
00:02:07,904 --> 00:02:09,426
No. I need it.
64
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:10,349
No.
65
00:02:10,403 --> 00:02:11,913
- It's for my rap group.
- No!
66
00:02:12,033 --> 00:02:14,090
How do you expect Big Tasty to make it
67
00:02:14,110 --> 00:02:15,857
if his crew can't cut a demo?
68
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,295
Big Tasty? (Chuckles)
69
00:02:18,415 --> 00:02:19,773
Who is Big Tasty?
70
00:02:19,780 --> 00:02:21,908
It's me! It's my rap name.
71
00:02:22,028 --> 00:02:23,910
Your rap name should be big pain in my ass.
72
00:02:23,941 --> 00:02:25,951
Now get out of here. Go play in the street.
73
00:02:25,974 --> 00:02:27,312
- Hey, dad?
- What?
74
00:02:27,432 --> 00:02:28,947
- Can I have 20 bucks?
- No.
75
00:02:29,067 --> 00:02:30,753
- Please?
- No!
76
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:32,888
It's for girl stuff.
77
00:02:33,412 --> 00:02:34,898
Buh.
78
00:02:35,018 --> 00:02:36,454
Lately, that's all my dad could say
79
00:02:36,477 --> 00:02:37,627
when it came to my sister.
80
00:02:37,682 --> 00:02:39,980
Hey, mom. I need a midol.
81
00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:41,169
Cramps.
82
00:02:41,289 --> 00:02:42,350
Buh.
83
00:02:42,585 --> 00:02:43,562
Ugh.
84
00:02:45,157 --> 00:02:46,518
Buh.
85
00:02:47,425 --> 00:02:49,192
(Gasps) Ugh.
86
00:02:50,428 --> 00:02:52,821
(Whispers) Girl stuff.
87
00:02:53,627 --> 00:02:56,857
You give Erica 20 bucks just
'cause she says "girl stuff"?
88
00:02:56,896 --> 00:02:58,866
My guy stuff has to be worth something.
89
00:02:58,882 --> 00:02:59,672
It's not.
90
00:02:59,703 --> 00:03:01,150
This isn't fair!
91
00:03:01,270 --> 00:03:03,175
God, I wish I was a girl!
92
00:03:03,295 --> 00:03:04,255
Got it.
93
00:03:04,375 --> 00:03:06,413
No. No, that was out of context. Erase it.
94
00:03:06,444 --> 00:03:07,406
Erase it!
95
00:03:07,526 --> 00:03:10,003
Erase! Erase! Erase that! Erase...
96
00:03:10,011 --> 00:03:11,481
Shame on you.
97
00:03:11,489 --> 00:03:13,913
I just sat down. How'd we
get shame on me already?
98
00:03:13,945 --> 00:03:15,000
Barry's right.
99
00:03:15,024 --> 00:03:17,607
Ever since Erica grew...
(Whispers) boobs...
100
00:03:17,610 --> 00:03:18,954
(Normal voice) You haven't
known how to deal with her.
101
00:03:18,955 --> 00:03:21,293
I mean, you don't even yell at her anymore!
102
00:03:21,327 --> 00:03:23,494
Stop it. I yell at her all the time.
103
00:03:23,548 --> 00:03:24,542
Oh, really?
104
00:03:24,557 --> 00:03:26,864
When was the last time
you called her a moron?
105
00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,156
She knows I think she's a
moron. I don't have to say it.
106
00:03:29,276 --> 00:03:30,329
Yes, you do.
107
00:03:30,449 --> 00:03:32,558
She doesn't know unless you tell her.
108
00:03:32,573 --> 00:03:33,887
Well, can't I...
109
00:03:34,007 --> 00:03:35,780
just ignore the other kids more?
110
00:03:35,782 --> 00:03:38,144
You are going to have a
daddy-daughter day with Erica,
111
00:03:38,145 --> 00:03:39,601
like you used to do when she was little.
112
00:03:39,698 --> 00:03:41,286
A whole day?!
113
00:03:41,473 --> 00:03:43,796
I don't even like
spending a day with myself.
114
00:03:43,916 --> 00:03:45,180
It's why I nap.
115
00:03:45,196 --> 00:03:46,447
You're doing it, Murray,
116
00:03:46,479 --> 00:03:48,434
and you're gonna smile
and have fun, damn it.
117
00:03:48,465 --> 00:03:51,656
Fine. I'll do your daddy-daughter thing.
118
00:03:51,695 --> 00:03:53,916
But just know you're overreacting.
119
00:03:54,036 --> 00:03:56,583
I'm quite comfortable with the girl.
120
00:03:58,077 --> 00:04:00,080
- Thanks,
mom. - Mm-hmm.
121
00:04:00,650 --> 00:04:03,160
- That was sitting in with the food?
- The whole time.
122
00:04:03,426 --> 00:04:05,107
Throw all the food out.
123
00:04:05,146 --> 00:04:06,492
All of it!
124
00:04:06,941 --> 00:04:08,588
(Man) * I'm twisted up inside *
125
00:04:08,588 --> 00:04:12,068
but nonetheless I feel the need to say
126
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,181
I don't know the future
127
00:04:16,197 --> 00:04:18,980
but the past keeps
getting clearer every day
128
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,100
- synced and corrected by
chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -
129
00:04:20,121 --> 00:04:22,422
It was September 8th, 1980-something.
130
00:04:22,423 --> 00:04:23,628
School hadn't started yet,
131
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:26,027
but any chance of me being cool was gone.
132
00:04:26,147 --> 00:04:27,630
Knock knock, kiddo.
133
00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:28,991
(Adam) I'm not coming out.
134
00:04:28,999 --> 00:04:30,680
Mom took me school shopping.
135
00:04:30,712 --> 00:04:33,105
It's bad, pops. Really bad.
136
00:04:33,113 --> 00:04:36,209
Oh, stop. I'm sure you look fine.
137
00:04:36,420 --> 00:04:38,470
(Door creaks)
138
00:04:39,775 --> 00:04:41,160
Holy (Bleep).
139
00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:42,387
I know!
140
00:04:42,434 --> 00:04:44,773
Who puts a train on a sweater?
141
00:04:44,810 --> 00:04:46,063
It doesn't make sense.
142
00:04:46,095 --> 00:04:47,495
I don't even like trains.
143
00:04:47,615 --> 00:04:50,255
- The sweater says you do.
- Well, the sweater's a lie!
144
00:04:50,255 --> 00:04:51,632
Okay, calm down.
145
00:04:51,671 --> 00:04:53,548
You just need to look on the bright side.
146
00:04:53,571 --> 00:04:55,041
There is no bright side.
147
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:56,668
It comes with a hat.
148
00:04:56,955 --> 00:04:58,498
(Pants) It comes with a hat!
149
00:04:58,514 --> 00:05:01,916
O... okay. We gotta hit the mall, and fast.
150
00:05:02,276 --> 00:05:03,456
You'll take me shopping?
151
00:05:03,576 --> 00:05:06,866
Absolutely. Okay, off we go.
152
00:05:07,289 --> 00:05:09,854
What about mom? She loves this crap.
153
00:05:09,901 --> 00:05:12,474
Don't worry. I'll handle your mom.
154
00:05:13,186 --> 00:05:15,391
Choo-choo! (Laughs)
155
00:05:15,511 --> 00:05:16,760
Doesn't he look precious?
156
00:05:16,814 --> 00:05:18,582
He sure does!
157
00:05:18,702 --> 00:05:20,476
It's a train! (Chuckles)
158
00:05:21,601 --> 00:05:23,493
(Lowered voice) I'll handle her later.
159
00:05:25,839 --> 00:05:28,865
While pops was saving me from
the tradition with my mom,
160
00:05:28,882 --> 00:05:30,477
my dad was doing his best
161
00:05:30,477 --> 00:05:32,675
to revive his tradition with Erica.
162
00:05:33,112 --> 00:05:34,458
You want a churro?
163
00:05:34,578 --> 00:05:35,748
I'm good.
164
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,959
- Ice cream?
- Nope.
165
00:05:38,028 --> 00:05:40,546
- Cotton candy?
- I'm really not hungry.
166
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,097
*
167
00:05:43,165 --> 00:05:44,365
Nachos.
168
00:05:44,743 --> 00:05:46,752
Am I here as some kind of punishment?
169
00:05:46,872 --> 00:05:49,470
No! No, no, no. We're havin' fun.
170
00:05:49,538 --> 00:05:51,563
Hangin'. Talkin'.
171
00:05:51,582 --> 00:05:53,184
Makin' memories.
172
00:05:55,810 --> 00:05:57,088
Okay.
173
00:05:57,419 --> 00:05:59,659
But after an hour, the
only memory they made
174
00:05:59,703 --> 00:06:01,761
was my dad getting rough
with the claw machine.
175
00:06:01,786 --> 00:06:03,125
Come on. Come to p...
176
00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:03,938
What?!
177
00:06:04,151 --> 00:06:05,290
(Machine beeping)
178
00:06:05,410 --> 00:06:06,504
That unicorn is rigged.
179
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:07,655
I'm telling you, it's rigged.
180
00:06:07,705 --> 00:06:10,083
Dad, take it easy. It's
just a stuffed animal.
181
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,335
No, no, no. You love unicorns.
182
00:06:12,385 --> 00:06:14,637
Daddy's gonna win one
for his little peanut.
183
00:06:14,850 --> 00:06:17,246
Come on. Let's do it again. Here we go.
184
00:06:17,302 --> 00:06:18,303
Okay.
185
00:06:18,654 --> 00:06:20,430
All right.
186
00:06:20,486 --> 00:06:22,125
(Clank)
187
00:06:22,245 --> 00:06:24,784
All right. Uh...
188
00:06:24,904 --> 00:06:26,336
(Lowered voice) Let's get somethin' to eat.
189
00:06:27,124 --> 00:06:29,764
Okay, kiddo. Camera is rolling.
190
00:06:29,802 --> 00:06:31,140
Strut your stuff.
191
00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:34,569
Pops, get a close-up of my Z. Cavaricci's.
192
00:06:34,613 --> 00:06:36,665
I wanna remember this outfit
for the rest of my life.
193
00:06:36,715 --> 00:06:39,074
Unfortunately, I still do.
194
00:06:40,282 --> 00:06:41,678
What's this?
195
00:06:41,798 --> 00:06:43,092
What's happening on your body?
196
00:06:43,148 --> 00:06:44,925
Good news, Bev!
197
00:06:45,106 --> 00:06:46,776
I took the kid shopping.
198
00:06:46,808 --> 00:06:48,265
Oh, dad, I already bought him clothes.
199
00:06:48,385 --> 00:06:51,650
Honey, this is the seventh
grade we're talking about...
200
00:06:51,681 --> 00:06:52,482
The big leagues.
201
00:06:52,507 --> 00:06:55,473
And we need to go for
something less adorable
202
00:06:55,593 --> 00:06:57,299
and more dangerous.
203
00:06:57,419 --> 00:07:00,008
Trains are plenty dangerous.
204
00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:02,548
Do you remember Marge Grossman's son Trace?
205
00:07:02,829 --> 00:07:04,306
(Scoffs) He got his
foot stuck in the track.
206
00:07:04,356 --> 00:07:05,926
Train came by, cut it right off.
207
00:07:05,951 --> 00:07:08,573
If you could get me a sweater
of that, then I'd wear it.
208
00:07:09,136 --> 00:07:12,858
Come on, Bev. Let's not make
a thing out of this, okay?
209
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:18,727
Okay.
210
00:07:19,289 --> 00:07:21,858
If this is what makes you happy, then...
211
00:07:21,926 --> 00:07:23,126
I'm happy.
212
00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:24,334
Yeah, I'm happy.
213
00:07:24,454 --> 00:07:26,010
Check out this sweet day-glo.
214
00:07:26,130 --> 00:07:28,338
It glows in the day.
215
00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:29,927
(Chuckles) Wow.
216
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,366
Science.
217
00:07:31,385 --> 00:07:33,963
See, kid? I told ya she'd come around.
218
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:34,695
(Chuckles)
219
00:07:34,701 --> 00:07:37,153
But Beverly Goldberg does not come around.
220
00:07:37,273 --> 00:07:39,100
I was so blinded by the bright neon,
221
00:07:39,142 --> 00:07:41,902
I couldn't see the fire in my mom's eyes.
222
00:07:43,009 --> 00:07:44,086
It was hour two
223
00:07:44,111 --> 00:07:45,725
of the worst daddy-daughter
day in history,
224
00:07:45,744 --> 00:07:47,902
but my old man wasn't ready to give up yet.
225
00:07:48,022 --> 00:07:50,511
Dad, how much longer are we gonna do this?
226
00:07:50,580 --> 00:07:52,069
I mean, we already played pinball
227
00:07:52,125 --> 00:07:53,358
and air hockey.
228
00:07:53,389 --> 00:07:55,429
And I got you a slap bracelet.
229
00:07:55,623 --> 00:07:57,044
And I'll cherish it.
230
00:07:57,238 --> 00:07:59,296
But I told Lainey that I would call her,
231
00:07:59,327 --> 00:08:01,204
- and it's been...
- ah. Ohh.
232
00:08:01,229 --> 00:08:02,712
I see. I see.
233
00:08:02,832 --> 00:08:05,584
You're afraid that some of
the cool kids from school
234
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,680
are gonna see ya hanging
out with your old man.
235
00:08:07,693 --> 00:08:08,399
Yeah.
236
00:08:08,443 --> 00:08:10,627
Okay, uh, don't take this the wrong way,
237
00:08:10,683 --> 00:08:12,691
but no one with a hint of cool
238
00:08:12,710 --> 00:08:15,832
would ever set foot on... oh, my God!
239
00:08:15,952 --> 00:08:19,999
(Disco music playing)
240
00:08:20,119 --> 00:08:23,053
That's right, they'd stumbled
upon Barry's secret world...
241
00:08:23,090 --> 00:08:25,442
A world he wanted no one to know about.
242
00:08:25,562 --> 00:08:27,357
243
00:08:27,477 --> 00:08:28,527
Barry?
244
00:08:28,647 --> 00:08:30,110
Dad! (Squeaking)
245
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,449
Okay.
246
00:08:31,649 --> 00:08:32,838
I know how this looks.
247
00:08:32,850 --> 00:08:34,540
(Laughs) Then you know
it's hilarious, right?
248
00:08:34,569 --> 00:08:35,872
You shut your face!
249
00:08:35,879 --> 00:08:37,042
(Laughs)
250
00:08:37,162 --> 00:08:38,782
So now you know.
251
00:08:38,788 --> 00:08:40,139
This is where I go on the weekend.
252
00:08:40,189 --> 00:08:41,690
What happened to your rap club?
253
00:08:41,753 --> 00:08:42,773
It was just my cover.
254
00:08:42,893 --> 00:08:45,832
Okay, you know, you're supposed
to cover something embarrassing
255
00:08:45,870 --> 00:08:48,185
with something less embarrassing, right?
256
00:08:48,216 --> 00:08:50,493
- Your face is embarrassing!
- Ha ha ha!
257
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,476
I've been coming here the past two months.
258
00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:55,347
Skating helps me blow off steam, you know?
259
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:56,999
Roll it out.
260
00:08:57,011 --> 00:08:59,289
- (Laughing)
- Roll it out? (Laughs)
261
00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:01,172
Go ahead. Go ahead. Keep laughin'.
262
00:09:01,172 --> 00:09:02,248
It doesn't bother me.
263
00:09:02,429 --> 00:09:04,194
That's the great thing about this place.
264
00:09:04,232 --> 00:09:05,408
I get respect.
265
00:09:05,528 --> 00:09:08,173
Yes, from a 9-year-old
who just high fived you.
266
00:09:08,204 --> 00:09:10,425
- He's almost 11!
- (Both laugh)
267
00:09:11,601 --> 00:09:12,753
You know what?
268
00:09:13,472 --> 00:09:15,099
Just roll it out, Barry.
269
00:09:15,219 --> 00:09:16,456
Just roll it out.
270
00:09:16,576 --> 00:09:18,058
Roll it out.
271
00:09:18,127 --> 00:09:20,122
- (Laughs) (Laughs) Roll it out!
- Yes!
272
00:09:20,347 --> 00:09:21,980
Your brother's wearing a fanny pack.
273
00:09:22,005 --> 00:09:24,364
Oh, you know what? I will take
you up on those nachos now.
274
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,859
(Pats railing) You got it, girl. Let's go.
275
00:09:25,884 --> 00:09:28,468
Finally, my dad had found a
way to connect with Erica...
276
00:09:28,518 --> 00:09:30,332
by mocking one of his other children.
277
00:09:30,357 --> 00:09:31,759
What about, uh, Lainey?
278
00:09:31,784 --> 00:09:33,016
I thought you had to call her back.
279
00:09:33,136 --> 00:09:34,768
Eh, it's fine.
280
00:09:34,980 --> 00:09:36,870
She's kind of annoying me right now anyway.
281
00:09:36,990 --> 00:09:39,185
You wanna talk about it or something?
282
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:41,619
Nah. It's girl stuff.
283
00:09:41,739 --> 00:09:44,027
All right. Why not?
284
00:09:44,147 --> 00:09:46,254
Talk to me. I'm all ears.
285
00:09:46,317 --> 00:09:47,543
(Laughs) No.
286
00:09:47,663 --> 00:09:49,795
- You'll just freak out.
- Me?
287
00:09:50,025 --> 00:09:51,529
Murray Goldberg?
288
00:09:51,649 --> 00:09:53,796
No. Come on. Let's go.
289
00:09:53,916 --> 00:09:56,661
No judgment. I promise.
290
00:09:56,699 --> 00:09:57,894
No judgey-ness.
291
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:58,763
You sure about that?
292
00:09:58,826 --> 00:10:00,496
No judgey-ness! Let's go.
293
00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:01,985
All right.
294
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,713
Me and Lainey are kind of in a fight.
295
00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:06,853
What'd she do? Uh, copy your homework?
296
00:10:06,909 --> 00:10:08,555
Smile at a boy you like?
297
00:10:08,624 --> 00:10:10,138
She got loaded on peach schnapps
298
00:10:10,188 --> 00:10:12,046
and talked all kinds of crap about me.
299
00:10:12,309 --> 00:10:15,112
My dad thought he was ready
to handle the girl stuff...
300
00:10:15,131 --> 00:10:16,470
(Whispers) but he wasn't.
301
00:10:16,590 --> 00:10:19,798
Well, it turns out that his
van is actually his home, right?
302
00:10:19,842 --> 00:10:22,201
(Scoffs) And his real
name isn't Ron Bon Jovi.
303
00:10:22,238 --> 00:10:24,941
And he's not a roadie.
He had a keg in his van.
304
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,112
Thank God I met the nicest guy,
305
00:10:27,131 --> 00:10:29,395
and he was selling these
t-shirts that he makes himself.
306
00:10:29,439 --> 00:10:31,123
And he has all these dolphin tattoos
307
00:10:31,148 --> 00:10:33,087
because he really wants
to be a marine biologist.
308
00:10:33,112 --> 00:10:34,389
He was so built.
309
00:10:34,432 --> 00:10:37,161
And so we kinda took a
little trip down to the ocean,
310
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:38,018
and, uh,
311
00:10:38,024 --> 00:10:40,452
and he was rubbing
suntan lotion all over me,
312
00:10:40,458 --> 00:10:42,047
but it was kinda weird because...
313
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:43,749
Well, it was nighttime.
314
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:46,477
My dad wasn't the only
one in a new level of hell.
315
00:10:46,597 --> 00:10:47,835
(Adam) Oh, my God!
316
00:10:47,866 --> 00:10:49,768
She shrunk my clothes!
317
00:10:49,818 --> 00:10:53,065
Let's not panic, kiddo.
It's really not that bad.
318
00:10:53,090 --> 00:10:55,411
Look at me! You can see every little curve.
319
00:10:55,630 --> 00:10:57,514
I know mom shrunk 'em on purpose.
320
00:10:57,539 --> 00:10:59,297
Come on. She'd never do that.
321
00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:01,018
Oh, yes, she would.
322
00:11:01,087 --> 00:11:02,313
You just don't know her.
323
00:11:02,363 --> 00:11:03,489
I'm her father.
324
00:11:03,552 --> 00:11:06,349
Pops, I'm telling you,
that woman's an evil genius.
325
00:11:06,393 --> 00:11:07,765
Dinner's ready!
326
00:11:08,195 --> 00:11:10,259
I made your favorite... shrimp parm.
327
00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,055
Oh, you made my favorite?
328
00:11:12,175 --> 00:11:13,656
Well, it doesn't make up for this.
329
00:11:13,663 --> 00:11:14,983
My goodness!
330
00:11:15,214 --> 00:11:17,554
What happened to your cool clothes?
331
00:11:17,674 --> 00:11:19,206
You happened.
332
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,214
(Whispers) You happened.
333
00:11:22,453 --> 00:11:24,293
They must've shrunk when I washed 'em.
334
00:11:24,324 --> 00:11:25,644
It was an accident.
335
00:11:25,675 --> 00:11:27,033
When it comes to you and the laundry,
336
00:11:27,070 --> 00:11:28,391
there are no accidents.
337
00:11:28,403 --> 00:11:30,293
I always wash new clothes.
338
00:11:30,318 --> 00:11:32,201
You don't know who
tried them on before you.
339
00:11:32,226 --> 00:11:33,359
Could've been a drifter.
340
00:11:33,421 --> 00:11:35,529
What kind of drifter shops
at the willow grove mall?
341
00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,400
Well, what kind of drifter
needs to buy new clothes
342
00:11:37,444 --> 00:11:38,877
when he already has perfectly good ones?
343
00:11:38,927 --> 00:11:41,573
A drifter with a mom who
drove him to drifting!
344
00:11:41,598 --> 00:11:43,469
The open road was his only way out!
345
00:11:43,838 --> 00:11:44,945
What's happening?
346
00:11:45,065 --> 00:11:46,690
I'll tell you what's happening.
347
00:11:46,810 --> 00:11:48,880
You're gonna wear the clothes I bought you.
348
00:11:48,899 --> 00:11:50,294
They're perfectly fine.
349
00:11:50,319 --> 00:11:53,766
Holy God! You did shrink 'em on purpose!
350
00:11:53,886 --> 00:11:57,220
Okay, there are some ugly accusations
351
00:11:57,239 --> 00:11:59,047
flying around this house right now.
352
00:12:00,060 --> 00:12:02,225
Okay, now that that's been resolved,
353
00:12:02,345 --> 00:12:04,565
I think we all need to take a deep breath
354
00:12:04,628 --> 00:12:07,430
and put on our adorable train sweater.
355
00:12:07,550 --> 00:12:09,589
I'll never wear your train! Ever!
356
00:12:10,186 --> 00:12:11,935
(Scoffs) Oh, these are chaffing me,
357
00:12:11,985 --> 00:12:13,756
but I like it!
358
00:12:14,369 --> 00:12:17,221
Bevy, I spent a fortune on those clothes.
359
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,055
And that store was crazy.
360
00:12:19,117 --> 00:12:21,713
There was a boy with
earrings in his nipples.
361
00:12:21,770 --> 00:12:23,403
I told you not to mix in!
362
00:12:23,453 --> 00:12:26,286
(Clothes thud) But Adam
wants to look stylish.
363
00:12:26,324 --> 00:12:29,565
Oh, I know style. I am style.
364
00:12:29,685 --> 00:12:32,105
They're just clothes. Who cares?
365
00:12:32,155 --> 00:12:33,469
I care.
366
00:12:33,589 --> 00:12:34,714
Back-to-school shopping was
367
00:12:34,726 --> 00:12:37,260
one of the last traditions
Adam and I had together.
368
00:12:37,442 --> 00:12:39,557
But now I guess that's gone, too.
369
00:12:40,101 --> 00:12:42,741
While my mom's plan to
bond with me had blown up,
370
00:12:42,772 --> 00:12:44,574
my dad's plan to bond with Erica
371
00:12:44,599 --> 00:12:46,345
was about to make his head explode.
372
00:12:46,383 --> 00:12:48,241
I mean, if you ask me,
the cop was overreacting.
373
00:12:48,260 --> 00:12:50,443
Like, it was obviously a flare gun.
374
00:12:50,506 --> 00:12:51,857
So we take off running,
375
00:12:51,882 --> 00:12:53,803
and I lose my shoe climbing over a fence.
376
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:54,822
There weren't any cabs,
377
00:12:54,879 --> 00:12:56,806
but luckily this motor home pulls up.
378
00:12:56,837 --> 00:12:57,838
Buh... really nice.
379
00:12:57,850 --> 00:12:58,920
- Buh.
- What?
380
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,822
Buh! Ugh!
381
00:13:00,942 --> 00:13:02,430
Let's just go back to silence,
382
00:13:02,550 --> 00:13:04,426
beautiful daddy-daughter silence.
383
00:13:04,546 --> 00:13:05,746
No more stories!
384
00:13:06,284 --> 00:13:08,048
Why are you freaking out?
385
00:13:08,082 --> 00:13:09,494
I mean, it was all Lainey's fault.
386
00:13:09,512 --> 00:13:10,832
Oh, how is that?
387
00:13:10,845 --> 00:13:12,628
Every decision you made in that story
388
00:13:12,666 --> 00:13:13,892
was a terrible one.
389
00:13:13,917 --> 00:13:15,707
You said no judgey-ness.
390
00:13:15,723 --> 00:13:17,046
I'm telling you, your
friend Lainey Lewis...
391
00:13:17,096 --> 00:13:18,685
she is big trouble.
392
00:13:18,742 --> 00:13:20,819
Big trouble! You're never to see her again.
393
00:13:20,856 --> 00:13:22,264
She's my best friend!
394
00:13:22,277 --> 00:13:23,459
She is banned!
395
00:13:23,579 --> 00:13:24,764
Banned for life!
396
00:13:24,832 --> 00:13:26,863
- Oh, really?
- No more talking.
397
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:28,546
We're gonna roll it out! Come on!
398
00:13:28,615 --> 00:13:30,336
Ugh! I knew you couldn't handle it!
399
00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:31,624
- Roll it out!
- I knew.
400
00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:32,994
Uh, you know what? No.
401
00:13:33,057 --> 00:13:34,954
I am not 10 years old anymore.
402
00:13:34,984 --> 00:13:36,411
I don't like roller-skating
403
00:13:36,461 --> 00:13:38,750
or unicorns or slap bracelets.
404
00:13:38,870 --> 00:13:40,945
Don't you take off the slap bracelet.
405
00:13:41,013 --> 00:13:42,981
That represents friendship.
406
00:13:43,250 --> 00:13:45,449
No, no, don't skate away from me!
407
00:13:45,517 --> 00:13:46,616
Erica!
408
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,006
All right.
409
00:13:49,212 --> 00:13:50,970
I'm mergin' here.
410
00:13:51,195 --> 00:13:53,811
I'm mergin'. Do you see the sign for merge?
411
00:13:53,854 --> 00:13:54,755
Yield!
412
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:55,963
Yield!
413
00:13:56,276 --> 00:13:58,295
- Let me in! Let me in!
- (Women scream)
414
00:14:03,214 --> 00:14:06,023
Daddy-daughter day was
officially a disaster.
415
00:14:06,036 --> 00:14:09,208
Not only had Erica bailed,
but my dad's ankle was swollen,
416
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:10,979
and no one could get him off the rink.
417
00:14:11,173 --> 00:14:13,087
Barry, I got your message.
Where's your father?
418
00:14:13,207 --> 00:14:13,982
The rink.
419
00:14:14,025 --> 00:14:16,522
Can you please get him out
of here? He's embarrassing me.
420
00:14:16,803 --> 00:14:18,793
Is that my fanny pack?
421
00:14:18,913 --> 00:14:20,401
Just go!
422
00:14:21,016 --> 00:14:23,548
*
423
00:14:23,586 --> 00:14:26,301
The merge! What the... the merge!
424
00:14:26,714 --> 00:14:27,421
Murray!
425
00:14:27,471 --> 00:14:29,442
- The merge!
- Murray!
426
00:14:29,562 --> 00:14:31,281
Oh, my God, look at your ankle!
427
00:14:31,312 --> 00:14:32,914
It's all swollen and ballooning.
428
00:14:32,964 --> 00:14:35,292
What are you talking
about? It's the other ankle.
429
00:14:35,335 --> 00:14:36,330
- Oh.
- Ballooning?
430
00:14:36,355 --> 00:14:37,832
What are you even doing here?
431
00:14:37,901 --> 00:14:39,421
This was your idea.
432
00:14:39,541 --> 00:14:41,060
You said take Erica out,
433
00:14:41,116 --> 00:14:42,449
so I brought her here.
434
00:14:42,517 --> 00:14:44,695
You brought your moody teenage daughter
435
00:14:44,708 --> 00:14:46,566
to a roller skating rink?
436
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:48,624
Mistakes were made.
437
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:50,713
Uh... some by me.
438
00:14:50,901 --> 00:14:51,778
*
439
00:14:51,898 --> 00:14:53,154
I don't know
440
00:14:53,204 --> 00:14:54,893
what's going on with my little peanut.
441
00:14:54,930 --> 00:14:57,208
The kid doesn't even like unicorns anymore.
442
00:14:57,270 --> 00:14:59,085
She's growing up, Murray.
443
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:02,514
They all are.
444
00:15:13,632 --> 00:15:16,084
I'd go with the brown paper bag.
445
00:15:16,303 --> 00:15:18,268
(Clicks tongue) Aw. But Adam loves Kermie.
446
00:15:19,175 --> 00:15:20,733
You know what? Your call.
447
00:15:20,764 --> 00:15:22,160
I'm not gonna mix in.
448
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,611
No, you're right.
449
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:26,984
And, uh, you were right about the clothes.
450
00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:29,185
Adam is old enough to pick his own clothes.
451
00:15:31,074 --> 00:15:33,353
But it's all just going by so fast.
452
00:15:33,821 --> 00:15:35,636
And...
453
00:15:35,756 --> 00:15:38,695
It's hard because every year he gets older,
454
00:15:39,226 --> 00:15:41,498
and I feel like I'm just...
455
00:15:42,136 --> 00:15:44,270
having to say good-bye to a little boy
456
00:15:44,339 --> 00:15:45,771
I was just gettin' to know.
457
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:49,035
I went through the same thing with you.
458
00:15:50,470 --> 00:15:51,459
But you know what made
459
00:15:51,509 --> 00:15:54,737
saying good-bye to my little girl easier?
460
00:15:55,626 --> 00:15:58,322
I got to see the woman she became.
461
00:16:00,456 --> 00:16:01,526
(Chuckles)
462
00:16:02,915 --> 00:16:06,612
Adam, get your ass downstairs!
We're going to the mall!
463
00:16:07,732 --> 00:16:09,433
Thanks, daddy.
464
00:16:09,553 --> 00:16:11,388
(Kisses)
465
00:16:13,368 --> 00:16:15,345
Oh, no! They're closed.
466
00:16:15,414 --> 00:16:17,354
Nothing's closed until I say it is.
467
00:16:18,198 --> 00:16:21,264
Hey! What are you doing? We're closing.
468
00:16:21,384 --> 00:16:23,723
My beautiful boy needs a
pair of acid-washed jeans,
469
00:16:23,767 --> 00:16:25,075
and he needs them right now.
470
00:16:25,137 --> 00:16:27,083
Can't help you. Sorry.
471
00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:29,291
Sorry? (Chuckles) Oh.
472
00:16:29,335 --> 00:16:31,169
You don't know from sorry.
473
00:16:31,289 --> 00:16:32,627
If you don't let us in,
474
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:34,266
people will hear about it.
475
00:16:34,272 --> 00:16:35,805
Your co-workers, your manager.
476
00:16:35,868 --> 00:16:38,665
I will call the C.E.O.
of Jeans Express himself,
477
00:16:38,684 --> 00:16:39,590
and I will have him
478
00:16:39,603 --> 00:16:41,833
dragged out of his
important meeting about jeans
479
00:16:41,874 --> 00:16:44,313
to let him know that he has an employee so
480
00:16:44,433 --> 00:16:46,666
spiteful, so petty, so cruel
481
00:16:46,704 --> 00:16:48,325
that she wouldn't let a yummy boy
482
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,920
shop for his first day of school.
483
00:16:49,976 --> 00:16:51,935
So I'm gonna ask you one more time,
484
00:16:51,953 --> 00:16:52,936
and I want you to
485
00:16:52,973 --> 00:16:54,875
think about your answer very carefully.
486
00:16:56,352 --> 00:16:58,573
Can we please come in?
487
00:16:59,636 --> 00:17:03,139
(Styx's "Come sail away" playing)
488
00:17:04,586 --> 00:17:05,831
Thank you.
489
00:17:06,419 --> 00:17:09,709
Also, I have a coupon.
It expired a year ago.
490
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:11,117
You will honor it.
491
00:17:12,675 --> 00:17:14,665
I'm sailing
492
00:17:15,065 --> 00:17:17,956
(Murray) That's it,
peanut! You're doing great!
493
00:17:18,325 --> 00:17:19,944
You're doing it all by yourself!
494
00:17:20,064 --> 00:17:22,566
Set an open course
495
00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:24,624
for the virgin sea
496
00:17:24,662 --> 00:17:26,370
Yeah, I remember that day.
497
00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:28,848
Ooh. Mm.
498
00:17:28,879 --> 00:17:30,543
I look ridiculous.
499
00:17:30,663 --> 00:17:32,119
You look adorable.
500
00:17:32,607 --> 00:17:33,796
You do.
501
00:17:36,250 --> 00:17:37,762
So today was, uh,
502
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,595
kind of a disaster, huh?
503
00:17:39,715 --> 00:17:42,104
A little, but...
504
00:17:42,548 --> 00:17:44,738
It was fun busting on Barry.
505
00:17:44,858 --> 00:17:46,878
(Laughs) It was.
506
00:17:46,879 --> 00:17:48,556
- Oh, my God.
- It really was.
507
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:49,574
Listen.
508
00:17:50,263 --> 00:17:52,345
I may not understand...
509
00:17:52,677 --> 00:17:56,105
uh... you know, all this. You know?
510
00:17:56,393 --> 00:17:59,033
But that doesn't mean I'm not here for you.
511
00:18:00,203 --> 00:18:03,281
Obviously, go to your mother first.
512
00:18:03,550 --> 00:18:04,581
But...
513
00:18:04,701 --> 00:18:06,353
if she's not around,
514
00:18:07,016 --> 00:18:08,443
I'm here for you.
515
00:18:09,637 --> 00:18:10,995
Thanks.
516
00:18:11,170 --> 00:18:13,491
The sea
517
00:18:14,830 --> 00:18:15,862
(kisses)
518
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:18,471
Night, dad. Good night, peanut,
519
00:18:18,540 --> 00:18:21,575
spark my memory
520
00:18:21,887 --> 00:18:25,885
some happy
521
00:18:26,329 --> 00:18:29,457
some sad
522
00:18:31,190 --> 00:18:33,386
I think of childhood friends
523
00:18:33,455 --> 00:18:36,470
Come and get 'em! Lunches
for my honey-bunches!
524
00:18:37,115 --> 00:18:39,936
Hey, don't wait up. I'm
studying at Lainey's tonight.
525
00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:43,008
Studying for what? Today's
the first day of school.
526
00:18:43,065 --> 00:18:45,361
Don't be a moron! Get your ass home!
527
00:18:45,481 --> 00:18:46,632
Ugh!
528
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,027
(Adult Adam) And just like that,
529
00:18:48,052 --> 00:18:50,147
my dad was back to talking to Erica.
530
00:18:50,267 --> 00:18:52,881
Look at us! We're identical twins.
531
00:18:53,551 --> 00:18:55,609
So... how do I look?
532
00:18:55,678 --> 00:18:57,548
Try best that
533
00:18:57,598 --> 00:19:00,900
- Dangerous.
- * We can *
534
00:19:02,527 --> 00:19:07,007
to carry on
535
00:19:07,076 --> 00:19:09,171
We may have outgrown our old
back-to-school traditions,
536
00:19:09,196 --> 00:19:12,024
but thanks to Barry, we started a new one.
537
00:19:12,292 --> 00:19:15,771
* Come sail away, come sail away *
538
00:19:15,802 --> 00:19:18,968
* come sail away with me, lad *
539
00:19:19,088 --> 00:19:22,347
* come sail away, come sail away *
540
00:19:22,409 --> 00:19:25,425
* come sail away with me *
541
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:28,803
* come sail away, come sail away *
542
00:19:28,991 --> 00:19:32,106
* come sail away with me, baby *
543
00:19:32,163 --> 00:19:35,403
* come sail away, come sail away *
544
00:19:35,416 --> 00:19:38,713
* come sail away with me *
545
00:19:38,894 --> 00:19:42,217
* come sail away, come sail away *
546
00:19:42,337 --> 00:19:45,752
* come sail away with me *
547
00:19:46,058 --> 00:19:47,923
Look how much fun mommy's having.
548
00:19:48,135 --> 00:19:50,269
Hi!
549
00:19:53,210 --> 00:19:56,088
(Rap beat playing) It's a work
in progress, but here it goes.
550
00:19:56,208 --> 00:19:59,973
(Beat-boxing)
551
00:20:02,057 --> 00:20:05,047
My name is Barry, but
they call me Big Tasty
552
00:20:05,072 --> 00:20:08,407
I'm the number one
rapper in the U.S.-asty
553
00:20:08,438 --> 00:20:11,485
my rhymes are fresh, my flow is hasty
554
00:20:11,523 --> 00:20:14,470
you'll be eatin' up my words
like a fresh baked pastry
555
00:20:14,507 --> 00:20:17,360
when I say "Big," you say "Tasty"
556
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,025
Big
557
00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:21,208
What's happening?
558
00:20:21,233 --> 00:20:22,659
I'll tell you what's happening.
559
00:20:22,779 --> 00:20:24,123
He's a moron.
560
00:20:24,167 --> 00:20:26,082
My God, stop it.
561
00:20:28,497 --> 00:20:30,174
Stop it. Stop it.
562
00:20:30,211 --> 00:20:32,833
I am watching, and it's aggravating!
563
00:20:32,876 --> 00:20:34,003
(Adam) Is it annoying?
564
00:20:34,059 --> 00:20:34,841
Where you going?
565
00:20:34,848 --> 00:20:37,332
I can't help you! I don't
know what to do about it!
566
00:20:37,382 --> 00:20:38,846
You have a family here!
567
00:20:38,871 --> 00:20:40,010
(Beverly, in distance) Murray!
568
00:20:40,023 --> 00:20:41,925
- Take your watch off. It's that...
- No.
569
00:20:42,187 --> 00:20:45,128
- It's that medicated dog shampoo.
- No. No. No.
570
00:20:45,248 --> 00:20:46,624
(Water running)
571
00:20:46,693 --> 00:20:48,507
(Laughing)
572
00:20:48,709 --> 00:20:54,571
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
573
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:59,171
Repair and Synchronization by
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