All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s02e06 Rule No. 025

Previously on Girlfriends
Guide to Divorce...

Jake dropped a huge bomb on me yesterday.

Becca is pregnant.

Oh, my God.

- I almost made out with my boss.
- What?

- Frumpkis?
- Hey, Jo.

Who the hell are you, and what have
you done with my fat, dirtbag ex?

I closed on a house. We're moving here.

I want to be closer to
Zooey... me and Charlene.

Over my dead body!

- I want to move in with Dad.
- What?

I respect you,

and I value our
professional relationship...

Harris just stood me up.

You went on two dates with the doctor.

You didn't show up tonight.

Did I do something wrong?

Go home, Abby.

- [phone rings]
- _

[ringing]

Lilly, could you get that please?

- [ringing]
- Lilly?

Okay.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, honey. How's it going over there?

Yeah, she's cranky

that she has to hang out
with her little brother.

This is supposed to be my time
with Dad before he goes away.

We were supposed to do
something fun... just us.

I know, but I have to go to this
event in New York to sell my book.

You didn't even write it yet.

The ABC is where you
go to promote your book

so that the booksellers

can decide if they like
it and want to sell it.

Okay, you know what? Not the point.

He's your brother, Lilly,

and it's only for two days, so nut up.

I need to talk to your dad.

- Dad.
- Hmm?

Hey.

Sorry to leave you with all that.

Please, you are so not.

Free trip to New York,
six hours on a plane,

business class, come on.

Busted.

I was so looking forward
to six hours with a Xanax

- and a warm chocolate chip cookie,
- _

- but I think I spaced and I think I put
- _

- my pills in my Charlie's bag.
- Oh, my God.

- That's why I called. You have
- _

- to get it out of there.
- _

- Oh, sh...
- Hey, they have a childproof cap...

Hello? Jake, are you there?

Hello? Jake?

Yeah, I got 'em.

God, there's too much in my brain.

Um, can you... can you talk
for a minute real quick?

Oh, no, I have to jump. Sorry, can it wait?

- [thud]
- Lilly, stop it.

- Charlie, Lilly!
- What?

- Jake?
- Yeah, everything's fine.

- Um...
- Okay.

- Have a great trip.
- Okay.

Stop it! Lilly!

My truck!

-- Synced & corrected by ChrisKe & PetaG --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

I thought this was a sweat lodge.

Oh, no, those are so inefficient.

With this intensive infrared heat,

you will experience detox, calorie burn,

and emotional health.

I prefer to burn calories
the Puerto Rican way,

by screaming at people.

- Jo, give heat a chance.
- Why?

Why can't we just bitch
at room temperature?

Because you need to de-stress.

You've been going through a lot. Me too.

I'm starting SMC this week.

- Look at you, college girl.
- What are you taking?

Gender Now! Women's studies.

I'm easing into it with
something I get, and plus,

I'm like a hundred years older
than the rest of the students,

- so I think I have an advantage.
- Yeah,

you know, being more mature has its up
sides. You don't have to join a sorority.

- Or do keg stands.
- Ignore her.

Just try to keep it in
your pants for one semester.

You're there to work.

God, why do I sound so judgey?

Because, ah, hypocrite, you are
sexually harassing your boss.

Oh, yeah, how was the fallout with Albert?

So nothing.

We never kissed. It was just 'cause we
were working closely on a sperm case.

It was practically work porn.

Did you tell Gordon?

Honestly, I've had zero
time to tell Gordon anything.

[gasps] I'm moving into
his place next week.

Okay, either my ears are melting

or I just heard you say "I
am rushing things with Gordon

"because I almost played hide
the pastrami with little Albert."

Jo, maybe you should just chill out.

What? I can't in this
burning space burrito.

I've had it. This is ridiculous.

- I'm over this. Frumpkis's
- Oh.

new wife is coming to the bakery today,

and this whole "Have a nice
attitude toward the person

who effed up your life" is bullshit.

You have to...

- for Zooey.
- Okay, are we done here?

Because I'm really over people
telling me what is good for me.

- Jo, we just got here.
- Oh, my God.

- Okay, just unplug me.
- Oh!

Girls... okay, I'm over it.

I've got this. I've got this.

[rock music]

What are you doing?

Cleaning up for our guests.

It's Frumpkis and Scarlett O'Whore-a,

not Prince Henry and Kate.

It's just a quick hello to let Zooey know

that we can all be in
the same room together

without it turning into the Red Wedding.

Mm-hmm.

I'll hide the knives.

Charlene, this is my mom.

- Hi!
- Hi.

Oh, can I just say it is truly
lovely of you to have me here?

It... it makes sense for us to
all be adults here... for Zooey.

Absolutely, but Zooey, darling,

you didn't do justice to this place.

It's so... gritty.

So you guys just moved
to Hancock Park, huh?

They let Jews in there now? That's amazing.

Oh, we got the most
embarrassing white colonial.

I told Robert, I said, "A southern
person cannot be living there,"

but he just didn't listen.

[chuckles]

Robert, okay.

Yeah, it's right near the tennis club,
so Zooey can actually walk to her lessons.

Hold on, you guys have
lived here ten minutes,

and you already joined a club?

Frumpki don't play tennis.

- But Zooey's a natural.
- Oh.

You should come for
lunch one day and watch.

I will check my iCal.

[Southern accent] Sort of busy during the
day running a bakery and all, you know?

Oh, and you must be
the sweet genius, Scott.

Oh, my goodness, what are those?

I need one in my mouth right now.

I call these Bite-Me Pops.

That is so wrong.

Ooh, oh, they are just so naughty.

[giggles]

Ooh, mmm, mmm, they are just divine.

- Robert, honey, you've got to... mm-mm-mm.
- No, I don't... oh, okay.

- [giggling]
- [muffled] That's good.

Mmm... yum-yum.

It just feels like a sin
not to have them with a nice

big glass of cold milk.

[giggles]

Mm, you know what would be the cutest idea?

A milk machine,

you know, like a soda machine but
with pint-sized bottles of milk?

What do you think?

Oh...

- I think that's great.
- Yeah, me too.

I will put it in... the suggestion box.

- Great suggestion. Great, great.
- Right there.

[laughing] Oh!

You are hilarious.

All right, all right,

we will let you get back to the grindstone.

I truly hope you will find some time

to come and have lunch
with us at the club soon.

[hip-hop music]

Ma'am. Right this way.

- Cat!
- Darling!

- Hey! How you doing?
- Hi.

Hi. Wow, this place is mobbed.

Oh, yeah, every YouTube star

or their star pet is here
hawking some book or other,

which is why we need to

- get yours to pop.
- Can I get a photo?

- Thank you.
- We need to get the chains to order, like,

- 100,000 copies of your book, minimum.
- No pressure.

No, no, no, you're gonna be fine.

We've gotten you invited
to some really good events

where you'll go and do
that Abby thing that you do.

Oh, before I forget,
here's your welcome kit.

Welc... oh, Helen Fielding.

- Go get her!
- Helen, Helen!

- Harris, hi.
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for the conference.
I'm selling my book.

You have a book coming
out? Did I know that?

"Global House Calls."

I spent a year visiting the most
unhealthy countries in the world.

Hey, sorry about the other night.

I...

- We're good for 8:00 at Clocktower.
- Oh, perfect.

Oh, Abby, this is my friend, Deb Adler.

She does modern acquisitions at Christie's.

This is Abby McCarthy. She's
another writer at Random House.

Hi. What sort of books do you write?

I write "The Girlfriends' Guide" series.

It's a how to survive, ah,
pregnancy, marriage, and now divorce.

I will... look them up

if I ever indulge in one of
those... rites of passage.

[chuckles]

So I'll see you tomorrow.

- Uh...
- The nonfiction panel?

We're... we're on it.

What? Oh, my God. I didn't even
have a chance to look at the program.

I passed out on the plane. I just...

carpool emails and free champagne.

It's a lethal combo.

[laughing]

Ha-ha!

Well, I look forward to paneling tomorrow.

"Paneling"?

[groans] Ugh!

Non-fiction: How "Non" Is It?

Let's just deep dive in.

Do you ever feel a pressure
to make your narratives

more dramatic to sell books?

Uh, I don't have to make up anything.

I-It... it seems that
whenever I land in a village,

it just so happens to be the
day of a national power outage

or a slight tsunami.

[scattered chuckles]

What about you, Abby?
How do you find the drama?

Oh, my drama is homegrown, locally sourced,

and sustainable, because it never ends.

[laughter]

My special talent is doing the wrong
thing at the wrong time, which people love.

[laughter]

He attracts drama. You generate it.

You should work together.

[crowd murmurs, chuckles]

All righty, questions from the room?

Yes?

For Ms. McCarthy, how do you stay so thin?

Is it the divorce diet?

Um, some women do seem to shed
pounds when they get divorced.

Maybe it's carrying the heavy weight

of emotional issues that
helps you burn more calories.

- I don't know.
- [laughter]

Here's a tip, though.

Don't clean your kids'
plates with your mouth.

[laughter]

Ah, young gentleman in the back?

Um, I follow you two on Twitter,

and it seemed like things were heating up.

Now, was that fiction or non?

Ah, we've had a few professional dinners.

It's really nothing
really to text home about.

We're not... dating.

[school bell rings]

All right, come on, kids.
Let's go. We're late.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Yo, what's eating you?

Aside from the face lice.

I'm trying to get in touch with Abby, who
is in New York and never answers her phone.

Everything okay?

No, but you're not the
person I can talk to about it.

- Thanks.
- Huh, okay.

It's gonna be all over TMZ that Becca Riley

is having a baby... my baby.

Ay Dios mio! Idiota!

- Abby told you? Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I wasn't sure if I was supposed to know
- So...

- that you know that I...
- Whatever.

I can't keep track where the secrets

- begin and end with you two. I'm sorry.
- Okay, but the kids... The kids

don't know, and now they have to, and
it's not exactly the way I wanted to have

the birds and the bees
conversation with Charlie.

He still thinks kids come from, you know,

peeing in a girl's ear.

Just tell them.

Don't be a pussy.

You know, when I grew up in the
Bronx, we didn't have all these,

"Oh, no, I dropped my FroYo" problems.

We had real problems like no
medical and... and government cheese,

but my mother, she always
pointed out the bright side.

Here's how you tell the kids:

more people equals more love. It
might not be the way you planned it,

but you always have to make
room in your hearts for the new.

Could I be...

- a bigger bullshitter right now?
- Well, what do you mean?

- I was with you on that. Keep going.
- Frumpkis shows up

at the bakery yesterday with Charlene.

- Is she bad?
- Oh, she's the worst.

- She's... she's cuddly and uber-blonde
- Ugh!

- and was calling Frumpkis "Robert"
- Oh!

- and has all these fun ideas
- Oh, no!

and kept pushing me to come
and have lunch at the club.

Screw that blended family shit.

- I'm not blending in for anyone.
- You know what?

Charlene's in your life and in Zooey's,

so you don't be a pussy.

Go have lunch at the club,
and I will have the talk,

if I can ever get in touch with Abby.

Hey, Albert?

Hi.

Um, can I borrow you for a sec?

- Always.
- Okay.

Ready to crush it in court tomorrow?

Not exactly.

I, uh, would like to
remove myself from the case.

Um, the depositions are in order.

Paul and Dan have pulled
together a ton of precedent.

They can argue this as well as me.

That's actually not true.

Dare I ask why?

Look, I can't do this.

I'm not a cheater.

I don't know how I let it happen.

Hey, don't feel so guilty.

When you've worked
together as long as we have,

you can sometimes develop
a... unexpected connection.

Delia, it was a first offense.

I think we can let
ourselves off with a warning.

Okay.

Really hope Gordon can be as understanding.

- Gordon?
- Yeah, I'm gonna tell him tonight.

What? I'm not on board with that.

Well, I'm not gonna mention any names,

but I can't start a new life with a lie.

Welcome to Gender Now!

I'm Professor Harper,

and we're gonna kick
things off with a pop quiz.

[students groaning, mumbling]

Now, the quiz is only one question:

"Do you consider yourself a feminist?"

Show of hands, feminists.

You, please state why.

I believe in a woman's right to equality.

- [groans]
- [scattered chuckles]

As a member of the LGBTQA community,

I cannot support feminism

as long as they continue
to use the word "vagina."

What's wrong with the word vagina?

It's exclusionary to the trans community

and offers an extremely
narrow view on womanhood.

The correct terminology is "front
hole" or "internal genitalia."

Correct to... to who?

The Lesbian Gay Bisexual Trans
Questioning Allied community.

The "Q" is for queer?

If you insist on using the word vagina,

- But you need to have a vagina to get
- you're labeling yourself a TERF.

- pregnant or have an abortion.
- You're clinging to a binary

view of gender. That's just old.

- Says who?
- Okay, okay,

I'm sure we can all see that feminism

is a term deeply rooted
in historical, racial,

and sexual perspectives.

Our goal in this class

is to strip the word of
all of its charged language,

embark on a new dialectic,

and to that end, your
first homework assignment

will be a self-examination,

to draw yourselves as you see yourself...

Naked.

Harris,

I was hoping to catch you.

Look, I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry that the panel

went to such a weird, personal place.

Yeah, it's not my comfort zone.

Yeah, well, it might have
been a little less weird

if you had talked to me about

our nonexistent relationship status

before announcing it to
the rest of the world.

Abby, basically, from when
we last saw each other,

I thought it was pretty clear
that we're not on the same page.

When I showed up to your
house after the prom.

Okay, I know that seemed pretty...

Very stalkery. Just...
I messed up. I blew it.

I just thought you would
forgive me one mistake.

Abby, I like you.

I really do. It's just
that I'm trying to stay away

- from the drama right now, that's all.
- And I'm just some crazy, obsessive chick,

- according to you.
- I didn't

- say that.
- Well, I may be dumb,

but I'm not blind.

Well, I'm not dumb either.

You guys are an item.

Finally there's something I can work with.

We just had a Twitter fling.

There's nothing going on here, Cat.

Come on, don't bullshit
a bullshitter, please.

- Excuse me, who are you?
- That's my editor.

Oh, naturally.

I can assure you there is
nothing here to promote.

And who are you, Salman Rushdie?

Even he had the sense
to hook up with Padma.

Look, when you guys are done
having your little lovers' tiff

or whatever it is you've got going on here,

then why don't you just text me,

and we can sell some books, okay?

Meh.

Did she just say "meh" or "meth"?

Uh, you really never know with her.

Look, I'm sorry we just got
off on such a weird foot.

Can we... just skip to being friends?

I don't think men and women can be friends.

I think it's always a lie.

Did you just quote "When Harry
Met Sally"? I love that movie.

Abby, I can't be friends with you

because I want to have sex with you.

But it seems you have a lot going on,

- so...
- I really don't.

[cell phone buzzes]

I'm sorry, one second.

- Got a text.
- [buzzing]

[beep]

_

Ex emergency at home. Sorry.

- [line ringing]
- I...

Okay. So maybe I do have a lot... okay.

Jake, what is it?

A lot of LaserBrite
smiling in this joint, huh?

That part of the dress code?

Oh, they give away awards
for having a trophy wife.

- Look at that.
- This is the oldest club in LA.

- Oh!
- All the classic tennis players came here.

- Yeah?
- Pancho Gonzales, Arthur Ashe,

and there's an awesome picture of
Chrissie Evert in the ladies' room.

Mija, how do you know these
names? Forget it, why am I asking?

- [both] She knows everything.
- Jinx.

[both chuckling]

Ah, are you ready to bring the pain?

- Yes.
- Good.

I have a cancellation,
so you win the lottery.

Bonus time for my favorite new student.

I'll see you guys later.

Yeah, but she hasn't eaten lunch.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll send some chicken
fingers down to the court.

Make that two orders. I want
to watch where I can hear.

His accent kills me.

[with accent] I think I have bro crush.

Or a pro crush.

[both laughing]

- Mwah.
- Mwah.

[soft lounge music]

Okay, too many layers of weird to count,

but I gotta say my baby does look kinda...

Kind of fab in that tennis
dress you got her. Thank you.

- Oh.
- Thank you so much.

Look at these old-school menus.

Who knew they served tuna melts in LA,

the kale capital of the world?

They literally spray the grill with lard.

- Yeah?
- No healthy Rize treats here.

Oh, that bakery is such a gem.

You know, I have all these
big ideas I'd just love

to share with you on how to
realize its full potential.

Um, that... that's really thoughtful,

but I don't need help.

Oh, but it would be so much fun,

and Robert is presently a
co-owner at the bakery, you know.

Actually, Frumpkis never
gave a crap about the place.

It's always been my thing.

Yeah, ever since, ah, I found Scott

at that Brooklyn farmers' market.

Jo, it was Robert's money
that funded the bakery.

In the State of California,
that makes it... half ours.

But this kind of talk is so unpleasant.

We should just order.

I'll tell you what's really unpleasant.

What I'm gonna do to you

if you don't keep away from my babies...

the bakery, and my kid.

[whispers] Mine, yeah.

Wow... now this is some
provocative work, huh?

Who's next?

Jill, please share next.

I chose to draw myself from behind

because as a person of color,

I have an issue with
booty culture: booty calls,

booty rap, the commodification
of the black woman's ass.

[students murmuring, chuckling]

Deleting "Anaconda" from
my playlist right now.

[scattered chuckles]

Phoebe, this is a collage
of fashion photography.

The assignment was to
conduct a self-examination.

It sounded very gynecological. [chuckles]

It is a self-examination.

Those are all images of me
from different magazines.

Oh, well you're a professional model?

I was, yes, and it gives you
a very fragmented self-image,

the way people look at you
like you aren't even there,

criticizing your face and your body

like it doesn't even belong to you.

Are you trying to sell
yourself as the victim here?

I mean, aren't you more the perpetrator?

I'm not a perpetrator. And in
fact, I just walked off a shoot

because I feel like they
need to present women as real.

Come on.

You never had Botox?

That has nothing to do with anything.
I-I've been objectified my whole life.

I just don't understand
how you can be a feminist

and a plastic person.

Okay, people, let's not
make things personal.

Besides, that is a whole other lecture.

Moving on... to... Naomi.

Tell me about your piece.

Well, I used the colored Sharpies

to highlight the stretch
marks on my thighs...

[rock music]

Do they even have divorce in France?

Or do they just get a mistress
and look the other way,

or Mister-ess for the ladies?

I've always hated the word "lover," right?

[cell phone buzzing]

Sorry, I have a FaceTime
call with my family.

Excuse me.

Okay, so here we...

- Okay, here comes Mom.
- Hi, guys.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.

[giggles]

Um, Daddy and I wanted to
get the whole family together

because we have some news.

You know how we always say that
family is just a bunch of people that

love each other?

Well, we are gonna have someone new...

- Abby?
- What happened?

- Daddy, else then?
- Oh, it froze. Hold on.

- What'd she mean, someone new?
- What happened?

Hold on, hold on, just let her... Abs?

- Are you there?
- Here you go.

- You guys...
- [grunting]

Hel... uh...

[stuttering] Uh, all right...

She's just trying to tell
you that you're gonna have

a little brother or sister coming.

Yay, Dad and Mom are getting back together!

- No.
- Oh, my God, you are?

- No, no, no.
- 'Cause Daddy and Becca are having a baby.

Becca?

Yeah.

You're marrying Becca?

No, uh, no, I'm not marrying Becca,
but there's still a baby coming.

No! Uh, when two people love each other...

Don't you have to be
married to make a baby?

- What she was gonna say...
- No, no, people can... when people

- love each other, even for...
- She's explaining it.

Um, uh, a short
time, it... it's enough to...

- Abby?
- Um, for a...

I don't know what you're talking about.

Dad stuck his penis in Becca's vagina.

- It's called sex.
- Lilly!

You don't have to love someone to do it.

Lilly...

- Ugh!
- Abby...

Ugh! Aah!

Sorry to interrupt, Ms. McCarthy.

We were just wondering if you
could promote the book in France.

Oh... [laughs] I love France.

You can talk about the divorce diet.

Oh, the fabulous divorce diet.

I just FaceTimed with
my family in a restroom,

and I lost two pounds.

[silent laugh]

That's the whole thing.

I'm an emotional bulimic.

Emotional bulimia.

Now, that's a disease we need to discuss.

Sounds like a good segment
for CNN, doesn't it?

[polite laughter]

- Want to go? Okay.
- Yeah. Okay.

Good night.

I'm so sorry.

I'm... think I'm... I'm losing it.

I had to tell my kids about... the baby.

It was a nightmare,

and I'm not there to clean up the mess,

and now I'm involving you... again.

Don't apologize.

Like I said, I'm a drama magnet.

[scoffs]

Let's go over to Ninth
Avenue. This is a cab desert.

Whoa!

[Car horn honks]

[honking, wheels screeching]

You know what? Actually...

I really appreciate the save back there,

and now I'm done being rescued.

I can find my way back to the hotel.

Thank you.

[mellow pop song continues]

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing here? Ah,
shouldn't you be in court?

Isn't this the first day of your trial?

Uh-uh. I just quit the case.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

- Why?
- I guess I just wanted to prioritize us

and make you dinner.

I don't want you to sacrifice work

- for some perfect wife fantasy.
- No.

- I mean, that's not you.
- Mm-mm.

That's because you haven't
tasted my chicken fesenjan,

which you are going to love.

[sigh]

Listen, working on this project with Albert

- has made you very happy.
- Mm? Hm...

Please... un-quit.

Okay.

Okay. I have to... tell
you something, and...

We're gonna need this.

Okay.

[sighs]

- [cell phone buzzes]
- [beep]

Hello?

Jake, oh, my God. I've
been trying to reach you.

Yeah, I was putting the kids to bed and...

So that went well, huh?

Oh, yeah, that was
real Parent of the Year stuff.

How are the kids?

Charlie was pretty upset,
but I'm... I'm handling it.

- And what about Lills?
- She's fine.

I'm handling it, but it's
a lot to take in, as you know.

I just feel like that whole FaceTime thing,

- it was just such a bad...
- Abby, stop.

Abby, it's not on you.

- Sorry.
- Okay?

You know what, I'm going to my hotel
room, and hotel rooms make me tense.

Room service, bad movie...
try to get some sleep.

- We'll see you tomorrow, all right?
- Bye.

[beep]

So what are we talking about?

It's just... it's something that
I've been wanting to tell you.

I just wasn't... sure how you'd react,

but I'm saying it now
because it's not an issue.

I just wanted to tell you that I had a...

An engagement before you.

[exhales]

- You did?
- I know, I know.

I made it, like, seem like this big deal,

and it was my first time down this road.

But I was reluctant, to

because my first fianc? cheated on me.

- What?
- Yeah.

Well, how could he do that to you?

Because people cheat
for all kinds of reasons.

They're just... sometimes they're
working something out, right?

Okay.

I think I know what this is about.

- [sighs] You do?
- Yeah.

You're afraid I'm gonna cheat.

- [sighs]
- I swear to you that is not gonna happen,

and I can say that for sure

because I cheated on
Courtney, and it was miserable.

You did?

Yeah, and I-I never told
you, even as a lawyer,

because I thought you
would just write me off.

And I just... me and
Courtney were so broken,

and I was flailing.

I guess I was just...

I was trying to get to the truth.

I mean, all I can say is that...

it's the best I could do at the time,

but it won't happen again.

Mm-hmm.

[tsks]

I think I can understand that.

[tender music]

[phone rings]

- Hey.
- Hi.

I just wanted to make
sure you made it back okay.

Yup.

I just find you a little confusing.

God, I hate myself for doing this.

Yeah, well, I'm... I'm kind of wondering

why you did. I mean, you
made yourself perfectly clear.

I can't stop thinking about you.

It's my weakness: women
with complicated lives,

sexy heels.

My first marriage kind of messed me up.

Whenever I see a red flag, I shut down.

So... we can't be friends

because you're afraid that I'm a carrier

of the same soul-sucking virus?

Precisely.

Well, you can always wear a surgical mask.

Only that?

And the, um...

and the shoe covers.

You know, maybe we should be
having this conversation in person.

We're only eight floors apart.

But then things might happen.

Well, things are already happening up here.

Really?

[giggles]

Actually, they're already...
happening down here too.

Down where?

Let's just say there's
swelling in the affected region,

Doctor.

Huh.

That sounds serious.

Do you have access to the area?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Is this covered by my insurance?

Listen, Abby,

I want you to do exactly
what I tell you to do,

do you understand?

Put down whatever it is you're eating,

take off whatever it is you're wearing,

and lay down on the bed.

Oh, my God, psychic doctor.

Tell me when you're ready.

[soulful rock music]

Yes, I'm in the bed, Doctor.

Now I'm gonna walk you through a procedure.

It might take some time,

but I promise you you'll be
very happy with the results.

[giggles]

Morning.

Good morning.

I really enjoyed our
consultation last night, Doctor.

Um, uh, it's good to see
you're feeling better.

I recommend the a?a? porridge
with protein and antioxidants.

Awkward.

Yeah, that was not a bright
move for me last night.

Or me, it turns out.

Okay.

Okay, well, ah, good luck with your book

and your babe.

I hope she's a bright move.

Talk soon.

[light rock/pop]

[groans] Ugh!

I don't get it... I mean, one
minute I'm too crazy. Then he calls.

Then he's all about the New York babe.

I hate it.

And did you see the TMZ
thing, the big Becca baby news?

Um, we did. We weren't gonna mention it.

- How are you handling it?
- I'm fine.

I'm a mess. Whatever.

I-I... it's the kids that
I'm really worried about.

Kids are gonna be okay. They're tough.

And stop spinning about Harris.

Sounds like the good doctor
needs to get his head examined.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right? I know.

This is what casual dating is like.

Casual? You had phone sex in a hotel.

- That is so...
- Hot.

- Yeah, it was
- Hot!

- hot, yeah. And then
- So hot!

the next morning it
was like a refrigerator,

but whatever.

You guys, what's happening?

Phoebe, how's college?

Um, Gender Now! is brutal.

I'm sorry, but you were right to
walk away. You got to transfer out of

- Professor Pervert's class.
- I know, but that's so classic Phoebe.

Things get uncomfortable,
and I run away, bye-bye.

Um, that reminds me.

- Oh, forget it.
- [the girls] What? What? What? What?

- All right, all right, all right.
- Come on,

- You can't do that.
- tell us.

Okay, did you... I mean,
before you were married,

did you guys ever feel...
attracted to other men?

- Oh, my God.
- I was attracted to everything.

- Really?
- Of course.

- [both] Yeah.
- It's just jitters?

You're getting married, Delia, not dead.

- Yes.
- Mm, there you go.

Shit, I should go.

All right, see you guys soon.

- Bye. Love you.
- Mwah, mwah!

- Have fun in New York.
- Love you.

I don't think you were trying
to intimidate me the other day,

but I'm a little sensitive
about the divorce.

Don't express it in
the most diplomatic way.

I'm guilty of that.

So I was, uh, hoping we could have a redo

and try to have an honest conversation.

I appreciate that.

Frumpkis and I are done. I get that.

But sharing Zooey with another woman,

especially one with highlights
the size of buttery chunks,

isn't exactly what I bargained for,

but I'm trying.

- Here, okay?
- I get that.

- I get it. [nervous chuckle]
- Okay.

Now, can't accept your
offer to work on the bakery.

A milk machine is
probably a brilliant idea,

but... it's not me.

And I really need Rize
to feel like me right now,

even if it's half-baked.

It's my half-baked.

I appreciate your honesty,

and I'd certainly never
want you to do something

that made you feel so uncomfortable.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, I should try emotional
maturity more often.

[laughing]

You are a funny lady.

Well, I hate to rush,
but I have to dash off

to a silly team captains
meeting at the club.

- Do your thing.
- Bye. [laughs]

- Charlene?
- Hmm? [clears throat]

- What the hell.
- Of course. Here.

Oh... bye.

Professor Harper?

Hey, can I have a minute?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

Were you looking for this?

Uh, no, I don't need that anymore.

- That's actually why I'm here.
- Oh.

I shouldn't have left
class early the other day.

I should have stayed and told you

and everybody else what I think.

Yes?

I don't know. I'm not
a 20-year-old millennial

fluent in gender-normative whatever.

I do know that feminism shouldn't be about

attacking other women's choices.

And by the way, you telling
us to draw ourselves naked

is exploitative

and creepy, even if you're trying
to expand our consciousness, which...

I'm sure you were.

You're giving me an A?

I don't disagree with a thing you said.

Occasionally I tumble over
the edge of appropriateness.

Thank you for that.

Have you read Camille Paglia?

No.

Do you think I'd like her?

I think you would.

Like you, she's a feminist

who's not afraid to fire
back at the sanctimony.

Just, uh... skip the rape-y parts.

Noted.

[tsks]

Stuck in coach too, huh?

Sorry, um, excuse me, hi.

Would you mind switching seats with me?

I'm also in the aisle.

No, thank you.

This seat's closer to the lavatory.

- Oh.
- I'm traveling with my baby.

Abby, we can sit together.

We don't have to talk.

I've got work to do.

Okay, sounds like a plan.

[sighs]

What's up? You wanting to have an F2F
instead of a phoner makes me nervous.

Am I getting billed extra for this?

- No.
- Okay.

Jo, we hit a roadblock in
your division of assets.

I-I thought we were almost closed.

Well, we were, but I got a
call from Frumpkis's lawyer.

Look, they want the bakery.
They want the whole thing.

They're demanding you cede your half,

and they're not willing to discuss
anything else until it's resolved.

Okay, this makes no sense.

- I just met with her this morning.
- Mm-hmm.

We had this emotionally mature conversation

where she agreed to leave the bakery alone.

Do you remember the conversation?
What'd she say, exactly?

Er, she said she understood

why I would want to run
the bakery without her.

- Mm-hmm.
- She was fine with it.

Yeah, translation: she
will run it without you.

That two-faced, buttery-chunked she-devil.

- Mm-hmm. Yes.
- Freaking bitch.

I just don't understand why he
has the right to do anything.

- He's a fricking bigamist.
- And we will use that as leverage.

- Yeah.
- We can pursue punitive spouse,

fraud... force him to reimburse the estate

- on all monies he spent on Charlene.
- Yeah.

Let's bring that bastard down.

But all that includes fighting
in court, which is expensive.

No point in battling over a bakery

that doesn't have the
capital to keep it running.

And it could be... ugly for Zooey.

I don't want to drag my baby into this.

- So what do we do?
- You let me do my thing.

I will negotiate. I will
threaten the hell out of them.

- In the meantime, you...
- Lay it on me. Bring it on.

Whatever it takes, bring it on.

Play nice.

[funky rock music]

Shh.

I mean, it is weird

how the universe keeps
throwing us back together.

Like somebody up there loves us

or hates us.

- [moaning]
- [thudding]

Albert, hey.

I wanted to talk to you.

I want back in on the sperm case.

I can really help out
with Judge Gillian, I...

Done. You had me at "Albert, hey."

This is strictly a professional decision.

It has nothing to do with our...

Albert?

I'm carrying an entire
Japanese fishing boat of sushi.

[giggles]

Hi.

- Delia, I haven't seen you forever. Yeah.
- I know!

Well, I've been meaning
to congratulate you.

Gordon Beech, I mean, come on.

Let me see. [gasps]

I need my sunglasses to look at this.

- Oh...
- [laughing]

[Sherry giggling]

It's really sweet of you
to bring dinner for Albert.

Yeah, it's the closest
thing we get to date night.

- So see you in court ma?ana?
- You bet.

I'm gonna get... touched
up on those briefs.

[thoughtful music]

- Hey.
- Hey.

I know I was... I was
supposed to keep them tonight,

but I... I have a-a call in the morning

with my DP who's in rehab,
and I haven't done shit for it.

And then I saw the TMZ thing,

and I-I just fed them peanut
butter and crackers for dinner,

and then I lost the will to
live, and we're out of milk.

It's okay.

Really?

Mom?

- Hi, honey.
- Charlie wet your bed.

- What? He hasn't done that in years.
- Oh.

I think he's probably regressing
because of the baby news.

I'll... you do this.
I'll change the sheets.

Just... could you? Thank you.

No, I got it. I got it.

Go home. And look in the mirror.

It's all Ozark-y.

It's like you're ready
to pitch for the Dodgers.

[pats back]

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry about all the penises and vaginas.

I think it made things worse for Charlie.

It was a stressful situation,
and sometimes we blow it.

It happens.

Why didn't you go home with your dad?

I wanted to stay with Charlie
and help him feel like things

are more normal, and I guess for you too.

For me?

Yeah, I mean, are you okay with all this?

I don't know.

[chuckles]

Are you?

Yeah, I think it'll be kind
of cool having a pet baby.

You are insane.

Come on, Mom. It's Becca Riley's
baby. It's gonna be so cute.

It's gonna be, like, Tumblr cute.

You're Tumblr cute. Come here, sweet girl.

[quirky music]

What are you doing?

I don't know,

but right now, this is the best I can do.

-- Synced & corrected by ChrisKe & PetaG --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

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