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1
00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,104
Ten!
2
00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:07,139
Oh. Ow.
3
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:08,940
Oh, that feels good.
4
00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:12,377
You're in tremendous
shape, Unger.
5
00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:17,249
Hi! I'm back here!
6
00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:18,716
I heard you.
7
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:20,385
You must have had an easy day.
8
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,920
You're home early.
9
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,889
Easy...
10
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:27,025
Something's happened.
11
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,259
You're mad at somebody.
12
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:33,865
Dear... Who's "ingrate"?
13
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:36,434
I don't want to talk about it.
14
00:00:36,469 --> 00:00:38,770
You're mad at somebody.
15
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:39,949
A brown left eye.
16
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:41,372
And a brown jacket.
17
00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:44,688
Who do I know who has
brown eyes and a brown suit?
18
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:45,789
I need a nose.
19
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,090
You want a nose?
I'll give you...
20
00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:48,980
a hateful nose...
21
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:50,326
This looks like your boss.
22
00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:51,316
What are you doing
23
00:00:51,351 --> 00:00:53,063
throwing away all
the newspapers?
24
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:54,152
I hate my newspaper
25
00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:55,621
and that is not my boss.
26
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:57,256
Sure looks like him.
27
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:58,357
It's my ex-boss.
28
00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,658
I was just fired.
29
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:08,266
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
30
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,602
from his place of residence.
31
00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:13,304
That request came from his wife.
32
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,574
Deep down, he knew she was right
33
00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:19,143
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
34
00:01:19,179 --> 00:01:20,912
With nowhere else to go,
35
00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:24,616
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
36
00:01:24,651 --> 00:01:28,019
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
37
00:01:28,054 --> 00:01:30,088
requesting that he never return.
38
00:01:30,123 --> 00:01:32,624
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
39
00:01:32,659 --> 00:01:34,859
without driving
each other crazy?
40
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,016
You're lucky he didn't
fire you years ago.
41
00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:32,217
What did you do wrong?
42
00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:34,430
Why do you assume I
did something wrong?
43
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:35,586
Because he fired you.
44
00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:37,300
If you fired him, I'd assume
he did something wrong.
45
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:38,634
I don't want to talk
about it, all right?
46
00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:39,891
No, no, instead you'll eat...
47
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,693
The way you always
do when you're upset.
48
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:42,872
The only thing that
calms me down.
49
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:44,996
Look at that poison he's
going to put in his stomach.
50
00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:47,332
Pepperoni, bologna,
hot pastrami.
51
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,667
That's a suicide kit
for a man with an ulcer.
52
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:50,814
I forgot something, red peppers.
53
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,803
We got red peppers?
54
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,604
Would you tell me,
please, what happened?
55
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:55,919
Nothing, I didn't go
to the Pan-American
56
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,586
Badminton Championship games.
57
00:02:57,610 --> 00:02:58,654
The Pan-American
Badminton Championship?
58
00:02:58,678 --> 00:02:59,644
That's what I said, isn't it?
59
00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:00,645
Is that important?
60
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:01,646
Of course not.
61
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,126
It's usually held in
somebody's backyard.
62
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,094
We never devote
more than two lines to it.
63
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,329
So instead of going,
64
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:08,064
I called up, they
gave me the scores
65
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,299
and I put it in a paragraph.
66
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:10,856
And? He didn't like the story?
67
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:11,857
He loved it.
68
00:03:11,892 --> 00:03:12,969
He printed it word for word.
69
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,860
Well, is he some
sort of badminton nut?
70
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:15,861
What was wrong?
71
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:19,097
You see, the guy
who lost, he got mad,
72
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,098
he pulled out a gun
73
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,477
and he shot the
referee in the leg.
74
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,446
Naturally, they didn't tell
me that on the telephone.
75
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,581
My headline said
"Johnson beats Ortega."
76
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:28,039
Their headline said
"Ortega shoots referee."
77
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:29,040
That was poor sportsmanship.
78
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:30,041
That's what I said.
79
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,154
But he said,
80
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,688
"Oh, a reporter could find
a good story anywhere."
81
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:33,745
He was right to fire you.
82
00:03:33,780 --> 00:03:35,124
Again he was right to fire me?
83
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,547
You were derelict
in your duties.
84
00:03:36,583 --> 00:03:38,316
If you worked for
me, I'd fire you, too.
85
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,912
Felix, if I worked
for you, I'd quit.
86
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,523
Look at this.
87
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:48,726
He's home five minutes,
this room's a mess
88
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,862
the whole kitchen's a mess.
89
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:51,941
Have you...
90
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,209
Have you thought about
91
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,911
what you're going to do now?
92
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:57,302
Felix, I've only been
out of work a half hour.
93
00:03:57,337 --> 00:03:59,170
I'll look in the
classifieds later.
94
00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:00,750
You're just giving up?
95
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,007
Who's giving up?
96
00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,319
Well, you've been fired
from your job of 15 years.
97
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:04,720
They've thrown you out,
they don't want you anymore.
98
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:05,777
Oh, come on, will you?
99
00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:07,056
You're not as young as
you used to be, you know.
100
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,191
What's age... How old are you?
101
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:09,525
What's the difference?
You must be 40...
102
00:04:09,549 --> 00:04:10,515
Will you forget the age!?
103
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:12,917
Just say I'm not as
young as I used to be.
104
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:14,631
Besides, will you
forget about this?
105
00:04:14,655 --> 00:04:15,821
It happens all the time.
106
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,089
Okay.
107
00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:19,569
He always fires me,
then he threatens
108
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,971
to bring in his nephew, the
house painter, to do my column.
109
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,696
But he always calls me and
he begs me to come back.
110
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:25,863
Yes, sir, I agree.
111
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,933
We do need Madison back.
112
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:32,503
Yes, sir, I planned
on calling him today.
113
00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:35,307
Boy, I wish the
buck stopped here.
114
00:04:36,343 --> 00:04:38,310
Yeah?
115
00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:41,712
Mr. Donnelly?
116
00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:42,914
Yes, can I help you?
117
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:44,549
I'm Felix Unger.
118
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:48,420
I'm Oscar Madison's roommate.
119
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,255
Oh.
120
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,391
I've come to clean out his desk.
121
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,459
Alone?
122
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:56,361
You're very brave.
123
00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,241
Why are you
cleaning out his desk?
124
00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:00,499
You fired him.
125
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:03,368
Oh, I didn't really
fire Madison.
126
00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:04,669
Well, I mean, I-I fired him,
127
00:05:04,704 --> 00:05:06,216
but I do it at
least once a year.
128
00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:08,373
It's sort of a running gag.
129
00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:09,474
That's terrible.
130
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:10,375
Huh?
131
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:11,454
Pulling gags on people
132
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,289
as if they're something
you buy in a novelty store.
133
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,323
I don't think that's funny.
134
00:05:14,347 --> 00:05:16,781
I suppose you have
135
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,661
squirting flowers and
whoopee cushions, too.
136
00:05:18,685 --> 00:05:21,319
Look, I don't think
you quite understand.
137
00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:22,888
I understand that
Oscar deserves better
138
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,255
than to be made
the brunt of gag.
139
00:05:24,290 --> 00:05:26,530
Writers like Oscar Madison
don't grow on trees, you know.
140
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:27,526
Listen, I...
141
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:28,994
He deserves an apology from you.
142
00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:29,994
He deserves a raise.
143
00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:31,207
A raise? What are you, crazy?
144
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,764
Offer Madison a raise?
145
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:35,367
He's already the most overpaid
sports writer in this town.
146
00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:37,547
He's lucky I'm even
considering taking him back,
147
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:39,115
the way he slops up the office.
148
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,250
I don't think it's necessary
149
00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:41,351
to raise your
voice, Mr. Donnelly.
150
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,885
I'm not raising my voice,
Unter, I'm emphasizing.
151
00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:43,875
My name is "Unger."
152
00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:45,388
You newspapermen never
get a name right, do you?
153
00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:46,656
You get this right.
154
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:47,857
I was going to
hire Madison back,
155
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:49,626
but after talking to you,
I've changed my mind.
156
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,494
Now get his junk
and scram, he's fired.
157
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,084
You can't do that to Oscar.
158
00:05:53,119 --> 00:05:54,564
I can fill the job
in one minute.
159
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:57,022
With whom? Your
nephew, the house painter?
160
00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:59,891
Yes, my nephew the house
painter, and you're right.
161
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:02,460
Writers like Madison
don't grow on trees, Unter.
162
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:03,639
They grow under them.
163
00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:06,264
Now get out!
164
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,433
You're not a nice man.
165
00:06:13,773 --> 00:06:15,818
And so we join
Sharibeth Gleason,
166
00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:19,110
the world-renowned ceramics
designer and amnesiac
167
00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:20,278
in searching for Winnie,
168
00:06:20,314 --> 00:06:22,980
the stray pony
with the brain tumor.
169
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:25,383
You'll remember that
Winnie was seen yesterday
170
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:28,086
in front of an all-night
truck stop near the...
171
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:29,121
Hi.
172
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:31,100
Where the freeways
meet at Downey.
173
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,557
She was galloping along...
174
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:33,558
How's the amnesiac?
175
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:36,428
I forgot.
176
00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:38,796
I've been watching so
many of these soap operas.
177
00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,533
This is about a stray pony
who also has a brain tumor.
178
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,239
What did you turn it off for?
179
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:50,275
I, um, want to talk to you
about your job situation.
180
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:51,754
That's very
considerate of you, Felix,
181
00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:54,023
but I want to see if the pony
gets rid of the brain tumor.
182
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,914
What if, um...
hypothetically, of course,
183
00:06:56,950 --> 00:06:58,883
but what if Donnelly
doesn't call you
184
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,085
and you're really out of work?
185
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:02,432
Don't worry, he'll call.
186
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:04,222
Yeah, but what if he doesn't?
187
00:07:04,258 --> 00:07:05,290
What if he doesn't?
188
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:07,559
He will, he will.
189
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:10,194
He won't.
190
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:12,997
He won't?
191
00:07:13,032 --> 00:07:15,233
I did it.
192
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:16,479
You did it.
193
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:17,714
You did what?
194
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,036
Went down there?
195
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,383
I went down there.
You went down there.
196
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,651
And you told him? I told him.
197
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,219
You told him. What
did you tell him?
198
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:25,277
I told him the job
was beneath you.
199
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:26,356
Beneath me.
200
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:29,113
But now I'm really fired?
201
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,452
Want to see the pony
with the brain tumor?
202
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:38,856
No, thanks, I think I
have one of my own.
203
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,326
I had just gotten back from Cuba
204
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:43,995
and had a lot of extra sugar
in my glove compartment.
205
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:47,231
Anyhow, the pony
looked at me sort of weirdly
206
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,801
and kicked up its
hind legs and fainted.
207
00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:52,437
I-I leaped out of my
pickup truck, ran after him,
208
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,138
but he recovered quickly,
209
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:57,108
and he galloped off
in that direction, I think.
210
00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:02,447
Hey, lady, do you... do
you want some sugar?
211
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,463
Are you mad at me?
212
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,254
I'm speechless.
213
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:11,322
First, penniless,
then speechless.
214
00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:12,490
How could you do it?!
215
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:13,569
Do I interfere with you
216
00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:15,271
when you try to go
back with your ex-wife?
217
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,195
Oscar, listen to me.
218
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,864
What do you need
this kind of life for?
219
00:08:19,899 --> 00:08:21,810
It's the only kind
of life I know.
220
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:22,834
Look at it realistically.
221
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:24,402
You're not getting any younger.
222
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,648
How old are you?
What's the difference?
223
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,116
All right, for the
past 15 years,
224
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,674
you've been the highest
paid sports writer in the East.
225
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:31,587
And with taxes and alimony,
what have you saved?
226
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:32,911
Three and a half cents.
227
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,012
So?
228
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,681
There are men in this
town with half your talent
229
00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:39,084
at half your age earning
twice what you earn,
230
00:08:39,119 --> 00:08:40,864
and they don't have to
follow Orioles and Indians
231
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:41,853
all over the country.
232
00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:43,198
Felix, don't you understand?
233
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,067
I like to follow the Orioles
and the Indians around.
234
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:48,259
But it's no life for you,
working for that rude man,
235
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:50,595
eating that rotten
ballpark food.
236
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:52,274
Well, the food may be rotten,
237
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:53,342
but the peanuts are great.
238
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,331
They're salty and...
239
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,332
So what do you got
to show for 15 years...
240
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,333
A craving for peanuts?
241
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:58,903
You're an intelligent man.
242
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:00,950
You don't have to be a
sports writer all your life.
243
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:04,542
When you were a kid,
didn't you have an ambition?
244
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:07,112
Oh, yeah, when I was a kid,
I once wanted to be a doctor.
245
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,245
Ah.
246
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:09,247
Nah, but I don't mean
247
00:09:09,283 --> 00:09:10,392
a regular doctor...
A team physician,
248
00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:11,861
so I could be around
all the sports guys.
249
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,250
Oh, Oscar, Oscar...
250
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,252
All right, Felix, I admit it,
251
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,722
it's not the greatest life
in the world, but I like it.
252
00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,702
The only drawback is
you don't get to meet girls.
253
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,359
What does that mean?
254
00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:23,995
Come to my studio
tomorrow morning.
255
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:25,674
Felix, I don't have
much of a future
256
00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:26,776
as a high-fashion model.
257
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:27,944
The high heels... No,
listen to me, listen to me.
258
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,245
What? I know someone
259
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,868
who may be
interested in hiring you.
260
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,782
I don't know, you've
done such a bang-up job
261
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:33,816
with my career so far.
262
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,473
Trust me, that's
all I ask, trust me.
263
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:36,474
I don't think so.
264
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,475
All right, don't cry.
265
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,022
I'll trust you,
Felix. Don't cry.
266
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:42,314
It's not that. I can't
look at this room.
267
00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:46,717
What's the matter with the room?
268
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,599
I'm interested in
your friend Madison,
269
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:52,468
but are you sure
he's Harem material?
270
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,702
He's a very fine writer.
271
00:09:53,726 --> 00:09:55,271
Your magazine could
use a quality writer.
272
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:56,261
That's all we have.
273
00:09:56,296 --> 00:09:57,395
Yeah.
274
00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:58,808
Let's lift the test tube
275
00:09:58,832 --> 00:09:59,798
a little bit higher, please.
276
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:00,910
That's the beaker.
277
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:01,978
The thin one's the test tube.
278
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,079
That's it.
279
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,613
He does have that
mellifluous writing style
280
00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:06,249
that's synonymous
with our publication.
281
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,884
Yes, he does. An
interesting thought.
282
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,118
I want to get
everything right here,
283
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,120
because Mr. Buffingham
is very, very particular
284
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,655
about what goes in his magazine.
285
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:13,923
How's that look? Is
that what you're after?
286
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:14,913
It's too serious.
287
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,648
Philosophy is her major.
288
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:17,983
Chemistry's just a hobby.
289
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,195
Here we are.
290
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:20,719
Big smile, big smile.
291
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:23,154
That's it, that's it. Good.
292
00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:24,689
All right, that's it.
293
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,690
That's good. That's fine.
294
00:10:25,726 --> 00:10:26,736
Honey, come over
here. But I haven't shot
295
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:27,904
a whole roll of film yet.
296
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:30,161
Come here.
297
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,596
I suppose you've read
298
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:34,112
my essay on the,
uh, Puritan ethic.
299
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,302
Felix?
300
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:42,473
Oscar! Oh, boy,
do you look sharp.
301
00:10:42,509 --> 00:10:43,720
Really? Two weeks ago,
302
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:44,709
you said this suit was ugly.
303
00:10:44,745 --> 00:10:46,444
You look like a million dollars.
304
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,813
Ah, you must be old Madison.
305
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:50,314
This is Oscar Madison.
306
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,784
This is Bo Buffingham, the
editor of Harem Magazine.
307
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,953
Hey, I am glad to meet you.
308
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,566
I read your
magazine all the time.
309
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,924
Even the articles.
310
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,996
Well, I read your column.
311
00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,497
I must say, you have
312
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:07,944
a very insightful understanding
313
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:11,102
into the psychosexual
roots of athletics.
314
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,548
For example, I
found your description
315
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:16,741
of Joe Namath's touchdown
passes absolutely erotic.
316
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,877
Football is erotic?
317
00:11:19,913 --> 00:11:22,513
Oscar, Felix tells me you're
not with that tabloid anymore.
318
00:11:22,548 --> 00:11:23,726
Yeah, I got...
319
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,516
Well, how creatively
fulfilling can it be
320
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,618
to spend your life
describing quarterbacks
321
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,755
on the free throw line?
322
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:33,257
Oscar, have you decided
what you're going to do?
323
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,326
Well, it's very hard.
324
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,438
We might have something at Harem
325
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:38,663
that might be more
creatively fulfilling.
326
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,732
Mona? Why don't you stop
by the office this afternoon?
327
00:11:41,768 --> 00:11:42,733
Would 2:30 be all right?
328
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,113
Sounds fantastic. See you then.
329
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,303
Uh, the smock is mine.
330
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:46,338
Oh.
331
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,306
And the glasses.
332
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,809
Honey?
333
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,623
Is he serious?
334
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:55,679
Oh, yes.
335
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,950
He did a whole
issue on seriousness.
336
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:07,458
No, no, I don't like this one.
337
00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:09,038
With three chicks
hanging all over him,
338
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,406
you can't even see the sweater.
339
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,363
Hmm. Let's go with two chicks.
340
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,965
Ah, heavy.
341
00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:16,801
Yeah?
342
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:18,580
Mr. Madison to see you, Buffy.
343
00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:20,338
Mm, good. Send him in.
344
00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:22,307
Take down everything I say.
345
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:24,342
It might come in
handy for my column.
346
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:38,723
Feeling well?
347
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,158
Oh, yes. How are you?
348
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:47,098
Like a haircut?
349
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:48,532
No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.
350
00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:51,836
That will be all, Hal.
351
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,119
It's a great office,
just a great office.
352
00:12:57,143 --> 00:12:58,109
You like it?
353
00:12:58,144 --> 00:12:59,443
Yeah.
354
00:12:59,478 --> 00:13:00,845
It's not mine.
355
00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:02,224
I'm just down here
while they're using
356
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:03,692
my penthouse for a layout.
357
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,494
I'm doing a special issue
358
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:06,762
on the sexual revolution
359
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,330
that I've helped
bring to this country.
360
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,332
That's all, honey, that's all.
361
00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:11,834
Uh, save those cut hairs
362
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:13,402
for my mother's
scrapbook, will you?
363
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,532
Anybody laugh?
364
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,110
There.
365
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,477
Hello?
366
00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:36,792
No, no, I'd like to
do something, uh,
367
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,461
that's more important,
more significant.
368
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:40,218
What about, uh...
369
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,387
what about nude astronauts?
370
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,556
No, no.
371
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,631
Better yet, uh...
now, this is beautiful.
372
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:49,694
Listen to this:
nude astronettes.
373
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:53,130
Yeah, it is clever,
isn't it? Yeah.
374
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,811
Had some of your
stuff read to me.
375
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:55,800
It's good, boy.
376
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:56,801
Thank you.
377
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,569
It's good, clean,
crisp, to the point.
378
00:13:58,605 --> 00:13:59,570
Thank you very much.
379
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:00,571
Like Hemingway.
380
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,572
Thank you.
381
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,641
And, uh, myself.
382
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,676
That's why I'm
prepared to offer you
383
00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,879
20% more than you
earned on the paper.
384
00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:09,780
You mean, to work on your staff?
385
00:14:09,815 --> 00:14:11,060
Mm-hmm. We need
men like you at Harem.
386
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,161
Excuse me, honey.
387
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:15,152
I've even taken
the liberty, uh...
388
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,521
Here.
389
00:14:17,556 --> 00:14:20,558
Thank you. Hmm.
390
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:21,893
Whoa.
391
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:23,161
Whoa?
392
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,562
What's W-O?
393
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,698
What? Wait a minute.
394
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:30,835
No, no, you see, you've got
the cufflinks turned around.
395
00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:32,336
It's, uh, O-M.
396
00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:33,538
Oh.
397
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,281
O-M. Yeah, yeah.
398
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:37,274
What's O-M?
399
00:14:37,309 --> 00:14:38,409
It's your initials.
400
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:39,555
My initials, because my name
401
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:41,045
is Oscar Madison, of course.
402
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:44,048
Listen, if I'd known, I'd have
worn a long-sleeved shirt.
403
00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:45,194
Would you like a
long-sleeved shirt?
404
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,962
No, thanks. Are you sure?
405
00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:48,798
No, I got them at
home... Brown ones, gray.
406
00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:49,921
Got a lot of shirts.
407
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:51,789
Well, how about it?
408
00:14:51,825 --> 00:14:52,790
You going to join the team?
409
00:14:52,826 --> 00:14:55,126
Well, Mr. Buffingham,
I really don't...
410
00:14:55,161 --> 00:14:56,127
Buffy.
411
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:57,173
B.B. Just call be "Buff."
412
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,540
Buff. Buff.
413
00:14:58,564 --> 00:15:00,542
Well, Buff, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to say no.
414
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:01,643
Can't say no. Why not?
415
00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,827
I want you. Oh.
416
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:09,907
I'm in conference now.
417
00:15:09,942 --> 00:15:10,908
Don't bother me.
418
00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:12,977
Look at 'em. Good, good.
419
00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:14,356
Ten of the best.
Yeah, I like them.
420
00:15:14,380 --> 00:15:16,046
So do I. Tell you what I'll do.
421
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,282
I'll not only offer you 20% more
422
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,695
than you were
earning on your last job,
423
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:24,755
plus an expense account,
but also this office.
424
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,593
Well... nobody's perfect.
425
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,528
Write that down, honey.
426
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:32,530
Gives me a humble image.
427
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,532
You'd let me have this office?
428
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,400
Mm.
429
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,436
Gee, I don't know.
430
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:38,847
See, I don't know
if I'd fit in... I know.
431
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:40,070
You're a meticulous man.
432
00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:41,550
You'd like to know more
about the kind of people
433
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:42,540
you're going to be working with.
434
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:43,852
I think you should meet
some of your new staff.
435
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:46,277
Send Mr. Madison's
staff in, please.
436
00:15:46,312 --> 00:15:48,146
It'll be kicks.
437
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:53,417
She's nice... she's nice...
438
00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,153
What does she do?
439
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:58,289
Most of the work.
440
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,962
Leave me any coffee?
441
00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:06,309
It's been ready for an hour.
442
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:07,632
Oh, boy.
443
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,633
9:00 in the morning,
444
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:09,845
and he's still in his robe.
445
00:16:09,869 --> 00:16:11,347
When do you get dressed?
446
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,338
Well, Buffy took me aside.
447
00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:14,739
He told me not to
come in so early.
448
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:17,007
You know, loosen up,
make my own hours.
449
00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:19,054
What time do you go to work?
450
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:22,347
I don't know,
about 11:30, 12:00.
451
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:24,360
Will you do the
breakfast dishes?
452
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:25,483
No.
453
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,184
Hey, Felix, you
know, you were right.
454
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,119
This is the greatest
job in the world.
455
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,722
I'm glad you're happy.
456
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,122
Sports.
457
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,136
Listen, you've been promising
to come to lunch all week.
458
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,060
What about this afternoon?
459
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:37,428
What time?
460
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,230
Oh, I don't know.
461
00:16:39,265 --> 00:16:41,466
How does 3:00 sound to you?
462
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,068
Sounds kind of
late for lunch to me.
463
00:16:44,103 --> 00:16:46,571
Felix, don't get caught up
in that middle-class jazz...
464
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,773
Eating at 9:00
and noon and 6:00.
465
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:50,775
You got to hang
loose, let things happen.
466
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:51,920
That's the Harem philosophy.
467
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:52,910
Where's the sports?
468
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,457
Well, I keep my
meals at regular hours.
469
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:57,715
That's the Unger philosophy.
470
00:16:57,751 --> 00:16:59,517
I have to go to work.
471
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:02,119
I don't have the luxury of
keeping my staff waiting.
472
00:17:02,154 --> 00:17:03,988
Want your newspaper?
473
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,067
No, thank you.
474
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:07,124
I'll buy a fresh one.
475
00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:09,594
Send him in, honey.
476
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:10,961
Well, huh?
477
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:12,107
What do you think, O.M.?
478
00:17:12,131 --> 00:17:14,031
What's O.M.? Oh,
that's me... O.M.
479
00:17:14,066 --> 00:17:15,466
Listen, I like the Roman orgy.
480
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,734
Keep the girl on the skewer.
481
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:19,036
Oh, ho-ho, right on.
482
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,311
Hiya, Felix, old buddy.
483
00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:28,513
How are you?
484
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,514
Wow!
485
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,282
Would you like a drink? Uh...
486
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:32,395
Come on, what's
your pleasure, Fel?
487
00:17:32,419 --> 00:17:34,318
My pleasure, Osc?
488
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:36,454
Um... ginger ale.
489
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:38,289
Ginger ale on the rocks
with a twist of lemon.
490
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:39,702
And hold the calls,
will you, honey?
491
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,426
Wowie. Wow, huh?
492
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:43,138
You really like it, huh?
493
00:17:43,162 --> 00:17:45,863
Oh, I'm the happiest
guy in the whole world.
494
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,009
Gee whiz!
495
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:48,699
Is that a view? Yeah!
496
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,335
I'm telling you, this
job is sensational.
497
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:51,647
Come here, I want
you to see something.
498
00:17:51,671 --> 00:17:52,681
I've been waiting
for you all day.
499
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:53,905
I'm like a kid with a new toy.
500
00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,307
Come here. You see this? Yeah?
501
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:57,975
This is called a
control center, see?
502
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,511
Now, I press this
button in the morning,
503
00:18:00,547 --> 00:18:02,980
and a tape recorder starts,
and it takes everything
504
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:04,982
that's said in this
office down all day.
505
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:05,983
That's innovative.
506
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,985
And look at this, look at that.
507
00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:12,056
Three major networks,
plus educational television.
508
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:13,624
You need that, huh?
509
00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:16,026
Of course, you know it's a
must in this business, Felix.
510
00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:17,405
You got to keep
abreast of things.
511
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:19,329
I suppose the desk
turns into a bed.
512
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:21,805
No, but the bookcase does.
513
00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,136
What happens to the books?
514
00:18:25,171 --> 00:18:26,137
Oh, they're fake.
515
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:27,138
Now, is this fantastic, Felix,
516
00:18:27,173 --> 00:18:28,350
or is this fantastic?
517
00:18:28,374 --> 00:18:29,974
This is fantastic.
518
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:30,975
I told you.
519
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,287
It doesn't seem like you, but...
520
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:33,588
But it is me, Felix.
521
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:34,823
This is the real me.
522
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,046
You don't miss sports?
523
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:39,683
No. This is the greatest
job in the whole world.
524
00:18:39,718 --> 00:18:41,496
Felix, I want to thank you.
525
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:42,998
You're the one
responsible for it.
526
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,288
I know.
527
00:18:44,323 --> 00:18:46,757
Boy, if these books were
real, they would be great.
528
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,170
Listen, forget about the books.
529
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:50,305
Tonight, you're going
to be my personal guest
530
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:51,829
at a swinging party
531
00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,642
that Buffy's throwing
up in his apartment.
532
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,744
Yes, sir, right after
he tapes his TV show.
533
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:57,846
We're going to
have a yay-yay, Felix.
534
00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:01,071
Aw, great. Thank you.
535
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:02,173
What's a yay-yay?
536
00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:05,609
Well, that's a yay,
and that's a yay,
537
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,156
and you put them together...
538
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,847
And that's a yay-yay.
539
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:14,251
I don't know. It's wrong.
540
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,187
Beds in the bookcases.
541
00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:17,688
That's not Oscar.
542
00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:18,689
He-he won't go for it.
543
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:20,257
It's wrong, it's wrong.
544
00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:21,703
He never liked that
sort of thing before.
545
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,393
He's not going to like it now.
546
00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:50,054
On to baseball, strike one.
547
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:53,357
Hartman sets again,
paws the rubber,
548
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:55,304
checks his signal,
and the pitch...
549
00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:57,627
It's another long
one, going, going...
550
00:19:57,663 --> 00:19:59,263
Nope, it's foul.
551
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:02,132
That one looked like it was
going to be another homer.
552
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,601
Hi, O.M. Why don't you
come up and have some fun?
553
00:20:04,636 --> 00:20:06,871
Oh, well, uh, I had
some work to do,
554
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:07,872
and the music is so loud.
555
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,140
Oh... What's going on up there?
556
00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:12,809
Oh, a guy's about to put
a lampshade on his head.
557
00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:14,356
We're having a
ball. Okay, go ahead.
558
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:16,325
Listen, I'll be a few
minutes. I'll join you, okay?
559
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,715
Okay. I'll be right up. Bye-bye.
560
00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,535
ANNOUNCER: in
the stretch, delivers...
561
00:20:27,559 --> 00:20:29,527
Oh, he beaned the batter!
562
00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:33,163
And that will bring
in the tying run.
563
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:41,272
Felix, I was just...
564
00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:42,851
You came down to
watch the ball game.
565
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,275
Well, the music was so loud...
566
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:45,710
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
567
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,155
How come you're
watching on this,
568
00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,490
not on the multipaneled wall?
569
00:20:48,514 --> 00:20:49,614
Oh, a tube blew out,
570
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:52,516
and the repairman had
to take it back to the shop.
571
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:54,251
Took out the whole wall.
572
00:20:54,286 --> 00:20:55,831
These guys make
a fortune don't they?
573
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,888
Felix, a guy just
got hit with a ball.
574
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,056
He was a friend of mine.
575
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,702
We used to go out for
beers after the game.
576
00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:02,893
Well, now he was
just lying there,
577
00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:04,562
a figure on the
screen at home plate.
578
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,296
I-I didn't know
whether he got hit
579
00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:08,065
with a fast ball or a curve.
580
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,467
You're unhappy.
581
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:10,468
No, I'm not unhappy.
582
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:11,469
You're miserable.
583
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,181
Why, because I'd rather
watch a baseball game
584
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:14,838
than listen to a loud rock band?
585
00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:17,152
A loud rock band that's
made up of five nude girls.
586
00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:20,177
This isn't you. Come on.
587
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:21,657
I blame myself. No...
588
00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:25,583
I never should have got
you involved in Harem.
589
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,963
Your heart's still
back in sports.
590
00:21:27,987 --> 00:21:29,487
Look, I don't
want to discuss it.
591
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:31,355
So sports isn't out
of my system yet.
592
00:21:31,390 --> 00:21:33,157
It will be.
593
00:21:33,192 --> 00:21:35,792
Felix, will you leave me alone?
594
00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:37,528
You want anything?
595
00:21:37,563 --> 00:21:40,464
Just privacy.
596
00:22:03,790 --> 00:22:05,723
Mr. Donnelly?
597
00:22:05,758 --> 00:22:07,024
Who are you?
598
00:22:07,060 --> 00:22:08,492
Oh, yeah...
599
00:22:08,527 --> 00:22:10,661
Hi. Say, let's let bygones
be bygones, shall we?
600
00:22:10,697 --> 00:22:11,662
I understand your feelings.
601
00:22:11,698 --> 00:22:13,275
I do, I really do. I've
come to apologize.
602
00:22:13,299 --> 00:22:14,543
Look, I told you last week,
603
00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:17,001
Madison's through
here, and so are you!
604
00:22:17,036 --> 00:22:19,114
What did you think
of my story, Uncle Bill?
605
00:22:19,138 --> 00:22:21,349
You write like a house painter.
606
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:23,708
Look, nobody asks
607
00:22:23,743 --> 00:22:25,620
a 300-pound football player
608
00:22:25,644 --> 00:22:26,989
what his favorite color is.
609
00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:28,891
I figured it'd be a good
way to break the ice.
610
00:22:28,915 --> 00:22:31,214
You know, nine out
of ten people say red.
611
00:22:31,250 --> 00:22:32,461
This will never do.
612
00:22:32,485 --> 00:22:33,962
I'll have to rewrite it myself.
613
00:22:33,986 --> 00:22:36,264
How many times
do I have to tell you
614
00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:37,966
no more questions about paints?
615
00:22:37,990 --> 00:22:40,957
I'm just trying to be
thorough, Uncle Bill.
616
00:22:40,993 --> 00:22:42,303
Morris, why don't you take
617
00:22:42,327 --> 00:22:43,438
the rest of the day off?
618
00:22:43,462 --> 00:22:45,028
I'll handle this.
619
00:22:45,063 --> 00:22:46,497
Hey, thanks, Uncle Bill,
620
00:22:46,532 --> 00:22:48,076
but I can't go home for a while.
621
00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:50,434
I forgot my house key.
622
00:22:51,904 --> 00:22:54,104
That explains a lot.
623
00:22:54,139 --> 00:22:55,306
What are you talking about?
624
00:22:55,341 --> 00:22:57,441
You know exactly
what I'm talking about.
625
00:22:57,476 --> 00:22:59,087
I came here to apologize,
but you're the one
626
00:22:59,111 --> 00:23:00,222
who should apologize
to the people of this city,
627
00:23:00,246 --> 00:23:03,013
for printing that rubbish
instead of Oscar's column.
628
00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:04,714
You're right.
629
00:23:05,751 --> 00:23:06,850
I am?
630
00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:10,854
Yes, well, my nephew is
not working out too well.
631
00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:14,591
Matter of fact, he's not a
very good house painter, either.
632
00:23:14,627 --> 00:23:17,227
Frankly, we need Oscar back.
633
00:23:18,263 --> 00:23:20,898
You should have thought of that
634
00:23:20,933 --> 00:23:22,065
before you fired him.
635
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:24,602
Now, don't start
up with that again.
636
00:23:24,637 --> 00:23:26,470
Tell me, uh...
637
00:23:26,505 --> 00:23:28,617
how's Oscar doing over at Harem?
638
00:23:28,641 --> 00:23:30,285
Oh... I heard
he really likes it.
639
00:23:30,309 --> 00:23:31,876
Mm, well, he's crazy about it.
640
00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:32,877
Listen, why not?
641
00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:35,813
It's like Tahiti with all
the modern conveniences.
642
00:23:35,848 --> 00:23:38,115
He misses sports.
643
00:23:38,151 --> 00:23:40,162
You think he wishes
he were still here?
644
00:23:40,186 --> 00:23:43,788
'Cause if he does, I'd
like to have him back.
645
00:23:43,823 --> 00:23:46,223
I never realized how
much I really needed him.
646
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:48,224
That's the
understatement of the year.
647
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:50,994
Well, I'll give him
your message.
648
00:23:51,029 --> 00:23:52,729
That's... About his raise...
649
00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:55,176
Now, don't start
up with that again.
650
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,500
I'll convey your offer.
651
00:23:56,535 --> 00:23:58,101
Thanks.
652
00:23:58,136 --> 00:24:01,872
Don't be too disappointed
if he turns you down.
653
00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:06,521
He wants you back so much,
654
00:24:06,545 --> 00:24:08,456
he'll give you absolutely
anything you want.
655
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:09,691
He's willing to
give you a raise...
656
00:24:09,715 --> 00:24:10,826
He said he would
give me a raise?
657
00:24:10,850 --> 00:24:12,494
Not in so many words.
Not in so many words...
658
00:24:12,518 --> 00:24:14,763
But he wants you back
so much, he can taste it.
659
00:24:14,787 --> 00:24:16,632
Is that right? He'll give
you absolutely anything.
660
00:24:16,656 --> 00:24:17,699
He'll give you complete freedom
661
00:24:17,723 --> 00:24:19,000
to write anything you want.
662
00:24:19,024 --> 00:24:20,068
Felix, he said he would give me
663
00:24:20,092 --> 00:24:21,603
complete freedom to
write anything I want?
664
00:24:21,627 --> 00:24:22,771
He implied it. He implied it?
665
00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:24,428
Felix, what did he actually say?
666
00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:26,230
He wants to talk to you.
667
00:24:31,904 --> 00:24:33,882
Hey, Felix, it's great
to be back in sports.
668
00:24:33,906 --> 00:24:34,916
You know, the press boxes
669
00:24:34,940 --> 00:24:36,218
and the locker rooms
and everything...
670
00:24:36,242 --> 00:24:37,207
Peanuts.
671
00:24:37,243 --> 00:24:38,253
Especially the peanuts.
672
00:24:38,277 --> 00:24:39,620
And I'm glad Buffingham accepted
673
00:24:39,644 --> 00:24:41,056
my resignation so nicely.
674
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,045
I was a little worried about it.
675
00:24:42,081 --> 00:24:43,046
Really? Yeah.
676
00:24:43,082 --> 00:24:45,048
It was very nice of him
to give you his book:
677
00:24:45,084 --> 00:24:47,217
The Gospel According to Buffy.
678
00:24:47,253 --> 00:24:48,830
That's nice. What
do you mean, nice?
679
00:24:48,854 --> 00:24:49,819
In exchange for the book,
680
00:24:49,855 --> 00:24:51,366
I had to give him
back his cuff links.
681
00:24:51,390 --> 00:24:52,822
That's droll.
682
00:24:52,858 --> 00:24:54,202
You know, I thought I would love
683
00:24:54,226 --> 00:24:55,237
the Harem lifestyle...
684
00:24:55,261 --> 00:24:57,105
Wild parties, the posh offices,
685
00:24:57,129 --> 00:24:58,095
the turtleneck sweaters.
686
00:24:58,130 --> 00:24:59,574
It's not you. You don't
belong there. Why not?
687
00:24:59,598 --> 00:25:01,064
You belong back in sports.
688
00:25:01,100 --> 00:25:03,600
I'm glad you got all of
that out of your system.
689
00:25:03,635 --> 00:25:05,602
Almost all of it, anyway.
690
00:25:05,637 --> 00:25:07,470
Yeah.
45335
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