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1
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,911
I'm sorry, just one minute.
2
00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:16,414
Just one minute.
3
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:18,816
Felix Unger Studio.
4
00:00:18,885 --> 00:00:20,696
This call is being
answered mechanically.
5
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:22,840
When you hear the tone, you
may leave a brief message.
6
00:00:24,090 --> 00:00:25,201
Cut it out, will you, Felix?
7
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:26,258
I know it's you.
8
00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:28,627
That beep usually
fools everybody.
9
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:29,861
Yeah, well, I know beeps.
10
00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:31,441
And what are you
doing at work, anyway?
11
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:32,897
You should be on your way home.
12
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,433
The toast-and-roast dinner
starts in a couple of hours.
13
00:00:35,502 --> 00:00:37,702
You know I want
to rehearse that skit.
14
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:38,703
I know, I know.
15
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,138
I also know
16
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,707
that the International Daisy
Damper account was today.
17
00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:44,209
So?
18
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,523
So I've had over two dozen
babies of every nationality
19
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,680
howling in my ear all day long.
20
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:49,914
Yeah, I understand.
21
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,093
What you don't understand
22
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:52,796
is that for each and
every howling baby,
23
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:54,919
there was one howling mother.
24
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:57,188
Felix, I'm very sorry
about your brutal day,
25
00:00:57,257 --> 00:00:59,168
but I'm more
concerned about tonight.
26
00:00:59,192 --> 00:01:01,304
Do you know what an
honor it is to be chosen
27
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,495
to do a skit at the
sports writers' dinner?
28
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,131
I want to do the skit,
and I will be ready.
29
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,767
You'd better. We got
a tough act to follow.
30
00:01:08,835 --> 00:01:10,147
Ten of the Jet
football players...
31
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:11,570
They're gonna put on dresses,
32
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,316
and they're gonna imitate
the Radio City Rockettes.
33
00:01:13,340 --> 00:01:15,185
Yeah? We'll top them.
34
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,209
You know, I think
I'm losing my mind.
35
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:18,421
I'm still hearing babies crying.
36
00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:20,123
It's impossible.
Everybody's left.
37
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:21,079
What?
38
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:23,382
Hold on for just a minute.
39
00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:24,383
What, "hold on"?
40
00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:25,611
What is that... "hold on"?!
41
00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:27,030
Like I haven't been
waiting 20 years
42
00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:28,287
to do the skit, to be chosen!
43
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:32,457
"Hold on"?! You're
cra... Felix! Felix.
44
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:35,972
Oscar, you'll
never believe this.
45
00:01:35,996 --> 00:01:38,074
Felix, I want you to
come home right now.
46
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,043
Now, this night is
too important for me.
47
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:42,245
I don't want you to louse
it up like you always do,
48
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:43,701
and no surprises.
49
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,271
No surprises.
50
00:01:56,783 --> 00:02:00,285
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
51
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:02,387
from his place of residence.
52
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,357
That request came from his wife.
53
00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:07,592
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
54
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:11,463
but he also knew that
someday, he would return to her.
55
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,031
With nowhere else to go,
56
00:02:13,099 --> 00:02:15,967
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
57
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:19,070
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out,
58
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,573
requesting that he never return.
59
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,109
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
60
00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:26,278
without driving
each other crazy?
61
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,668
"I would humbly
like to thank you
62
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,736
"for this award
for the best skit
63
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,272
"and humbly thank
my partner, Felix Unger,
64
00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:30,341
for humbly helping me."
65
00:03:30,410 --> 00:03:32,370
And there goes
the humble bottle...
66
00:03:32,412 --> 00:03:35,547
All right, all right!
67
00:03:35,616 --> 00:03:36,759
Yeah, Felix, what'd you do?
68
00:03:36,783 --> 00:03:38,361
Forget your key,
tonight of all nights?
69
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:39,684
I need all kinds of help.
70
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:40,753
Oh, boy.
71
00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:43,755
Hello, Mr. Madison.
72
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,089
Hello, Phillip.
73
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:46,836
I told your mother we
were going out tonight.
74
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,103
If she needs
somebody in the building
75
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:49,927
to check on you, you
got to get somebody else.
76
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,243
Oh, that's all right.
77
00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:53,676
They arranged it with
Mrs. Ferguson of 14C.
78
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,110
Do you have a flashlight?
79
00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:56,401
No, I don't have a flashlight.
80
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:58,247
There's one on the shelf.
81
00:03:58,271 --> 00:03:59,804
So I'm a liar.
82
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:02,607
I'm great at finding things.
83
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,308
I really am a good detective.
84
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:05,688
Really? I don't
want to hear about it.
85
00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:07,256
We had this theft at school.
86
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,360
Somebody took Wilbur
Middleman's galoshes.
87
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,750
But I exposed the guilty party.
88
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:13,195
You turned in one
of your classmates?
89
00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:14,931
You'll get the
mark of a squealer.
90
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,866
Oh, no, I wouldn't
turn in a classmate.
91
00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,389
This thief was an enemy agent
92
00:04:18,458 --> 00:04:21,526
here on an espionage
mission from Shanghai.
93
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:23,206
Phillip, will you stop
with the Shanghai
94
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:24,340
and Middleman's galoshes?
95
00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:25,297
You got a wild imagination.
96
00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:26,798
Your parents told me about it.
97
00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:29,345
My parents are very
nice middle-class people,
98
00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,936
but they can't face what's
going on in the world today.
99
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,383
I don't think I can
face you today.
100
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:34,918
Look, take the flashlight
and beat it, will you?
101
00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,775
This is my partner, 007.
102
00:04:39,312 --> 00:04:41,023
Yeah. I'll bet he's
great at disguises.
103
00:04:41,047 --> 00:04:42,647
Phillip, it's late.
104
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,349
I don't have time to talk to
you about-about Shanghai,
105
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,385
and Middleman's galoshes,
and secret dog agents.
106
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,920
You don't know how busy I am.
107
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,469
I just hope I can make
it back across the hall.
108
00:04:51,524 --> 00:04:53,036
I think I was followed here.
109
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,826
I hope he catches you.
110
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:01,466
I humbly acc... Wait a minute.
111
00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:03,434
Why do I have to be humble/warm?
112
00:05:03,503 --> 00:05:07,772
Maybe I could be,
uh... dignified/classy.
113
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,589
That you, Felix?
114
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,791
It's me... Felix.
115
00:05:31,265 --> 00:05:32,464
Oscar?
116
00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:33,743
Yeah.
117
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,778
We've got a little problem.
118
00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:37,046
I don't want to hear
about problems, Felix.
119
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,002
Nancy just called.
120
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,137
She'll be here any minute.
121
00:05:39,205 --> 00:05:40,516
You'd better get
dressed. Good, good.
122
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:42,552
Felix, look, I got the
hats and everything.
123
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:43,942
Oh, cute.
124
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,754
I wrote three different
kinds of speeches
125
00:05:45,778 --> 00:05:47,623
in case we win the
award for the best skit:
126
00:05:47,647 --> 00:05:51,349
that humble/warm,
cocky/funny and dignified/classy.
127
00:05:51,418 --> 00:05:52,651
How about honest?
128
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,352
That's a fourth possibility.
129
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,132
I want to have a
little talk with you.
130
00:05:57,156 --> 00:05:59,101
Well, Felix, we don't
have time to talk...
131
00:05:59,125 --> 00:06:00,703
but we do have time
to rehearse the skit,
132
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,007
after you get dressed.
133
00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:03,639
Felix, I don't see how
we can lose unless...
134
00:06:03,663 --> 00:06:04,774
What are you holding?
135
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:05,808
You got your hands on something.
136
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:07,142
What is that? It's a bassinet.
137
00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:08,344
Bassinet? There's no
bassinet in the sketch.
138
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,300
What's it for?
139
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,369
It's a baby.
140
00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:11,302
Baby? But there's no baby
141
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,303
in the sketch, either.
142
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,550
Felix, I don't have time
143
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:14,506
to get a teeny-tiny
hat for a baby.
144
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:15,585
What is it?
145
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,709
His mother left
him at my studio.
146
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,177
Isn't that perfect?
147
00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:20,489
Isn't that beautiful?
148
00:06:20,513 --> 00:06:21,691
The biggest night of my life,
149
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,693
you come home with
an abandoned baby.
150
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:24,916
He's not abandoned.
151
00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:26,884
An abandoned Oriental baby!
152
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:28,586
Isn't he cute?
153
00:06:28,655 --> 00:06:30,633
Cute won't get us
laughs tonight, Felix.
154
00:06:30,657 --> 00:06:32,657
I'm sure his mother
left him by mistake.
155
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:36,327
Maybe she thought
he was one of my dolls.
156
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,941
Felix, I knew you
had a teddy bear.
157
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,497
I didn't know you had a doll.
158
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:40,698
At my studio,
159
00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:41,978
I use dolls to set the lighting.
160
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:43,246
Then I put in the real baby.
161
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,448
But they're both
bundled up in blankets.
162
00:06:45,472 --> 00:06:46,649
It could happen.
163
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:48,617
A mother can make
an honest mistake.
164
00:06:48,641 --> 00:06:50,175
Come on, Felix, I doubt that.
165
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:52,443
I told you, I begged
you, no crazy surprises.
166
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:54,872
He's not a crazy surprise.
167
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,081
No? You bring
home a Chinese baby
168
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,550
to your average bachelor.
169
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:01,285
I bet ten out of ten
times, it's a crazy surprise.
170
00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:03,388
Unless your bachelor
happens to be Chinese,
171
00:07:03,456 --> 00:07:05,189
which means he's
in a lot of trouble.
172
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,759
Oh, you woke the baby.
173
00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,461
You made him cry.
174
00:07:09,529 --> 00:07:11,407
Now we're even.
He's making me cry.
175
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,364
He's ruining my evening.
176
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,898
He's not ruining your evening.
177
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,467
You always overreact
to everything.
178
00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,402
I'm going to do the sketch.
179
00:07:17,471 --> 00:07:19,136
I'll wear the funny hat.
180
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:20,672
His mother will be here.
181
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:23,040
Take things in your stride.
182
00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,488
Felix, the only thing I can't
take in my stride is you.
183
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,078
Oh, look at that.
184
00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:28,713
Oh, come on, look at him.
185
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:29,714
See his little teeth?
186
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:30,715
He's going to bite you.
187
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,717
Hold him, hold him, hold him!
188
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,452
I've got to make
him some hot milk.
189
00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:35,787
That's it.
190
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,266
When is his mother
going to come?
191
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,768
I left a note on
the studio door.
192
00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:40,792
She'll be here any
minute. You'll see.
193
00:07:40,827 --> 00:07:41,759
Pat him, pat him nice.
194
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:42,872
Pat him? Pat him where?
195
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:43,761
Under here? Where do you think?
196
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,964
I don't know...
197
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:48,866
Felix?
198
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:49,936
Yes.
199
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,836
I've only got one dress shirt.
200
00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,906
How many do you need?
201
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,242
Two.
202
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:02,080
Say "excuse me."
203
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,158
Don't forget, don't
mention that baby
204
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:04,727
when Nancy gets here. Why not?
205
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:06,729
Well, she's a doctor,
but she's also a woman.
206
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:07,963
She'll want to take
care of the baby.
207
00:08:07,987 --> 00:08:09,365
We'll never get to
the dinner on time.
208
00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:10,555
That's perfect.
209
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,734
What's perfect?
210
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:13,135
If the mother's late,
Nancy can baby-sit
211
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,793
while you and I go on to
the dinner and do the skit.
212
00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,142
Are you crazy?
213
00:08:17,196 --> 00:08:18,474
It's a big, formal affair.
214
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,778
I want my girl there.
215
00:08:19,832 --> 00:08:21,444
Besides, it'd be the
first place I ever took her
216
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:22,645
where she could
get all dressed up.
217
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,335
Oh, that's nice.
You're a real romantic.
218
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,315
Well, I want her
to see the skit.
219
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,884
She's never seen me hilarious.
220
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,441
She ever seen you cocky/funny?
221
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:34,879
Ooh, you are
dribbling on your chin.
222
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,481
You're dribbling.
223
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:39,184
Test the temperature
of the milk, please.
224
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,529
Ow!
225
00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:41,786
What'd you do?
226
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,166
Well, you told
me to test the milk.
227
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,523
That's the way you
test bath water, not milk.
228
00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:46,802
Where's the butter?
229
00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:47,870
The milk burned my elbow.
230
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,961
Your elbow poisoned the milk.
231
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,429
You don't put butter on a burn.
232
00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:52,597
You put cold water.
233
00:08:52,665 --> 00:08:54,332
Not ice water.
234
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:55,633
Cold water from the tap.
235
00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,203
Everybody I know uses butter.
236
00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:01,039
Then everybody
you know is wrong!
237
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,274
Felix, every day, in every way,
238
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:05,843
I know why your wife left you.
239
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:08,279
Listen, don't you have
the mother's name
240
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,980
in a record so we
can call her up?
241
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:11,594
I think her name
is Mrs. Sammy Lee,
242
00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:13,096
but I don't know her number.
243
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,731
I tried to call the agency
that sent her over.
244
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,065
It was too late. They're closed.
245
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,634
What do you mean, you think
her name was Sammy Lee?
246
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,368
I have a list of the mothers.
247
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,470
I have a Mrs.
Rosenberg, a Mrs. Lopez,
248
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:23,305
a Mrs. This, a Mrs.
That, and a Mrs. Lee.
249
00:09:23,329 --> 00:09:25,307
So... I don't know her address.
250
00:09:25,331 --> 00:09:26,898
Do you know how many Sammy Lees
251
00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:28,432
there must be in the phone book?
252
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:29,567
You know what time it is?
253
00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:30,746
It would take us all
night to call them!
254
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:31,881
Take it easy.
255
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,549
There's nothing to worry about.
256
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,672
Oh, really?
257
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:35,951
You can handle
everything, everything.
258
00:09:35,975 --> 00:09:37,442
How are you going
to feed the baby?
259
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,744
What are you going
to use for a bottle?
260
00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:42,881
And a nipple?
261
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:46,496
Five nipples, assorted sizes.
262
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,686
I'll sterilize them.
263
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,491
Kid, you couldn't
be in better hands
264
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,860
if you were with Dr. Spock.
265
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:59,030
My, you're a nice
little boy, aren't you?
266
00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:01,110
Aren't you a nice little boy?
267
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,445
Do you know that I
have a little boy and girl?
268
00:10:03,469 --> 00:10:05,815
They were once
pretty babies like you.
269
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,917
Their names are
Leonard and Edna.
270
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,473
Want your milk?
271
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:11,621
Yes, they live
with their mother.
272
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,856
That's because I'm separated.
273
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:17,782
Believe me, divorce
is no laughing matter.
274
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:20,051
Look at this!
275
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:22,364
Cleaning woman comes in,
and you can't find anything.
276
00:10:22,388 --> 00:10:23,487
I had a tie!
277
00:10:23,557 --> 00:10:26,157
I knew I had a tie
here somewhere.
278
00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:28,370
Well, see, now
look, I'll show you.
279
00:10:28,394 --> 00:10:29,961
Look. See?
280
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,073
There's Leonard.
281
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:32,575
Isn't he a nice-looking boy?
282
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:33,643
He's nine years old.
283
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,344
He does very well in school.
284
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:37,446
There's his sister Edna.
285
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,470
She's seven.
286
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,383
There's my wife Gloria.
287
00:10:41,407 --> 00:10:43,407
She's 35.
288
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,210
I'll get it!
289
00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,547
Now, listen, that's Nancy.
290
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:50,815
Don't you make a sound.
291
00:10:50,884 --> 00:10:52,294
And don't forget, hustle
over to the banquet
292
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,529
as soon as the kid's
mother gets here.
293
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:55,130
I'll have the funny
hats set up. Right.
294
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,521
I don't want Nancy to
know there's a baby here.
295
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,530
Hi, honey, I'll
be right with you.
296
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:08,644
Oscar, is something wrong?
297
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,678
Oh, no, I'm sorry I did that.
298
00:11:09,702 --> 00:11:10,813
We're ready to go. Let's go.
299
00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,315
Listen, where's Felix?
Oh, he-he's okay.
300
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,271
He's, uh, with
one of his models,
301
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:14,417
and he's going to join us later.
302
00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:15,985
Are you nervous? Oh, yeah.
303
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,086
Honey, you look so
wonderful. Thank you. Let's...
304
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:19,177
Nancy... come take
a look at this baby.
305
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:20,711
Felix!
306
00:11:20,780 --> 00:11:22,024
What's going on?
307
00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:23,926
The mother left the baby
in my studio by mistake.
308
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:24,994
I brought him home.
309
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,962
He was perfectly
fine; now he's sick.
310
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:29,465
Oscar, the baby's sick.
311
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:31,121
The baby's sick?
312
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,123
He's not sick.
313
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,535
Feel his face.
314
00:11:33,559 --> 00:11:35,026
He's burning up.
315
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,255
Of course. You forgot to
turn off the electric blanket.
316
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,299
Boy, I tell you.
317
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:45,169
It's great to have a
doctor in the house.
318
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,670
False alarm.
319
00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:50,208
I'm going to have to
give you a false alarm.
320
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,787
And you don't like sitting
around in dirty clothes,
321
00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:53,878
drinking out of
an old beer bottle.
322
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,291
It's a great combination.
323
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:56,625
I'm glad the baby's not sick.
324
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:57,827
Why don't we go, Nancy?
Listen, I have an idea.
325
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:58,782
You two go on ahead.
326
00:11:58,852 --> 00:11:59,962
I'll wait here for the mother.
327
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:01,430
No! Sure! Yes.
328
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,386
No!
329
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,498
Well, you don't have anything
330
00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:04,688
the baby will need.
331
00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:06,268
You don't have diapers,
or food, or anything.
332
00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,369
At least let me go
out and get that.
333
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:09,171
But, Nancy, look at the time!
334
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:11,195
Oscar, don't worry.
335
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:12,374
I'll be back in a jiffy.
336
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:13,442
Cuddle him. Go on. Cuddle him.
337
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:14,776
It'll make him feel happier.
338
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,846
Cuddle him. Cuddle
him, cuddle him.
339
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,180
He's crying. Nobody
wants to cuddle me.
340
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:22,406
Oh, oh, oh, oh... Here we are.
341
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,719
Boy, oh, boy.
342
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:24,887
You said everything
would be all right;
343
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:25,843
you would take
care of everything.
344
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:26,844
Well, I didn't think.
345
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,190
I know you didn't think.
346
00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:29,747
Look at that... 7:30.
347
00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:30,826
The mother's not here yet.
348
00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:31,782
I'm gonna call the police.
349
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:33,217
What police? Why?
350
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,663
Well, you don't think I
buy that story about a...
351
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:36,153
a-a-a doll!
352
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:37,799
I just said it
was a possibility.
353
00:12:37,823 --> 00:12:39,423
It is not a possibility.
354
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:40,492
Don't you understand?
355
00:12:40,526 --> 00:12:41,737
The woman has
abandoned the baby,
356
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,361
and I'm going to
call Murray the cop.
357
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,107
How can you
humiliate a poor woman
358
00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,810
whose only crime is that
she may be held up in traffic?
359
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:48,766
I don't believe that.
360
00:12:48,835 --> 00:12:49,912
Oscar, I'm warning you,
361
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,446
the police will
have to rip this child
362
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:52,403
out of my arms.
363
00:12:52,471 --> 00:12:53,704
Felix, I'm going to help them.
364
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,407
At least wait until
Nancy gets back.
365
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:57,708
No!
366
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,021
Oscar, look.
367
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:01,090
Look at the nice little fellow.
368
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,458
Yeah, I know he's cute.
Look how he likes you.
369
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,994
Look at that-that face,
those chubby cheeks...
370
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,284
I like the kid.
371
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:07,418
Don't do that.
372
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:08,697
How could you squeal to the cops
373
00:13:08,721 --> 00:13:11,088
on chubby cheeks like this?
374
00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:13,090
Felix, how do you
manage to do this to me?
375
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,826
I know the right thing to
do is to call Murray the cop,
376
00:13:15,895 --> 00:13:17,228
but you make me feel guilty.
377
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,974
And I know that
that mother will come
378
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:23,167
the way I know that cold
water is good for burns.
379
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,614
I just said something amusing.
380
00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:25,914
What happened
to your funny bone?
381
00:13:25,938 --> 00:13:28,806
I burned it when
I tested the milk.
382
00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:30,753
You know you'll have a
lot of girls chasing you,
383
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,343
but I want to warn you:
384
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:36,113
If you run across one like
my ex-wife Blanche, stay away.
385
00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:37,415
She's murder.
386
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,228
Here we go.
387
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,896
I'll get it.
388
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:46,657
There...
389
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,659
Hmm.
390
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:52,497
I never thought Oscar
would stoop that low.
391
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:00,505
Hello, Felix.
392
00:14:04,911 --> 00:14:06,410
Mind if I come in?
393
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,546
No. This is an unexpected visit.
394
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:11,583
This is not a
social call, Felix.
395
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:12,795
Where is it?
396
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:14,953
Where is what, Murray?
397
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,899
You remember at
the game last night,
398
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,901
you asked me to take off my gun?
399
00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:20,858
Yes. You know how
I feel about guns.
400
00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:22,838
Well, I forgot and left it here.
401
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,697
Oh, Murray. Oh, no.
402
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:29,667
Murray. Oh, your gun!
403
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,335
You wouldn't believe
what happened today
404
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,804
because I didn't have it.
405
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,439
You've got a gun!
406
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:37,408
Two minutes before
inspection this morning,
407
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:38,843
I remembered I left it here.
408
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,111
It was too late to dash over,
409
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:42,779
so I bought this gun in
a store by the precinct.
410
00:14:42,848 --> 00:14:44,226
Uh-huh. Wouldn't you know it?
411
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:45,690
Just as I'm walking
out of the store,
412
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,852
I run right into a
purse snatcher.
413
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:48,853
Oh, no.
414
00:14:48,921 --> 00:14:51,255
I had to make the
arrest with a squirt gun.
415
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,890
I don't believe it.
416
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,136
It's good he didn't
give me resistance,
417
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:56,427
'cause I didn't get
a chance to fill it.
418
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:57,572
Oh, Murray!
419
00:14:57,596 --> 00:14:59,808
At least nobody
will ever accuse you
420
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,165
of police brutality.
421
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:02,733
I don't like to be laughed at
422
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:06,570
when I'm in uniform, Felix.
423
00:15:08,941 --> 00:15:09,941
What's with the...
424
00:15:09,975 --> 00:15:11,620
Bad tooth.
425
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,055
Oh, yeah, listen,
I know all about...
426
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,211
Yeah.
427
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,446
Hey!
428
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,614
Oscar's drinking his
beer with a nipple on it?
429
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:20,003
It gives him a
feeling of security.
430
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:24,221
Is he here?
431
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:26,356
Uh, Oscar, Murray.
432
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:29,127
Oscar, Murray.
433
00:15:29,195 --> 00:15:31,396
Oh, hi, Murray. Want a beer?
434
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:32,574
No, thanks.
435
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,476
Do you always drink
your beer like that?
436
00:15:34,500 --> 00:15:35,977
Always? Not always.
Once in a while.
437
00:15:36,001 --> 00:15:38,269
It gives me a
feeling of security.
438
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:39,415
Funny, I never noticed before.
439
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,271
Never at the games or anything.
440
00:15:40,339 --> 00:15:42,073
And I notice things.
441
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,507
That's my job.
442
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,154
Well, you know, he spills
things sometimes when he drinks.
443
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,144
Who notices what he drinks?
444
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,092
What's with the...
445
00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,426
You got a toothache, too?
446
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:52,816
No, earache. I got an earache.
447
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,285
Oh, an earache.
448
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,920
Okay, Murray,
time to hit the road.
449
00:15:55,988 --> 00:15:56,920
Yeah, Murray,
nice talking to you.
450
00:15:56,989 --> 00:15:58,289
Come around any time.
451
00:15:58,357 --> 00:15:59,468
So you and Oscar are going to do
452
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:01,024
that old Abbott and
Costello comedy?
453
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,637
Yeah. Wha... What is it,
454
00:16:02,661 --> 00:16:04,773
uh, "Who's on First"
or "What's on First?"
455
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,208
"What's on Second." Oh.
456
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:07,631
Who's on first?
457
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,278
I love that baseball routine.
458
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,845
Hey, Oscar, what are
you doing out here?
459
00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:12,647
I want to make sure the
elevator's working for you.
460
00:16:12,671 --> 00:16:14,738
Take care of your gun!
461
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:15,872
That was clever.
462
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:16,985
Hold the congratulations, Felix.
463
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:18,387
The baby's gone. Gone?
464
00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:19,888
Yeah. I put him right
there, and now he's gone.
465
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:20,956
He's gone, gone. Gone.
466
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,191
The baby can't get
up and walk away.
467
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:23,325
I don't know; he's
a very strong baby.
468
00:16:23,349 --> 00:16:24,593
Maybe he crawled away.
469
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,061
Carrying the bassinet
on his back like a turtle?
470
00:16:26,085 --> 00:16:27,196
Are you sure you
put him out here?
471
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,530
Felix, I know where I put him.
472
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:29,831
I wasn't drunk; I had
one gloveful of beer.
473
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,788
Somebody stole him.
474
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:32,968
Who would take him?
475
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:33,790
He was only there for a minute.
476
00:16:33,859 --> 00:16:34,936
Who would take...
477
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:35,792
Phillip. Phillip!
Phillip Wexler.
478
00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:36,794
Phillip!
479
00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:40,230
Oh... All right,
Phillip, open up!
480
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:41,398
I know you're in there!
481
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,334
My parents aren't home,
482
00:16:43,402 --> 00:16:45,581
and I'm not allowed to open
the door without the safety chain,
483
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:46,715
unless it's Mrs. Ferguson.
484
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,216
Phillip, did you find a baby
485
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,418
out here in the
hall in a bassinet?
486
00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,486
Could you describe it?
487
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,209
Phillip! Phillip!
488
00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:54,144
How do I know it's your baby?
489
00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:56,373
It could be a special
messenger from Shanghai.
490
00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:58,683
He knows about
the galoshes thief.
491
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,362
What? What galoshes thief?
492
00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:01,797
Well, Middleman had
his galoshes stolen...
493
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:02,887
What am I talking about?
494
00:17:02,956 --> 00:17:06,023
Oscar, what are you
two doing out here?
495
00:17:06,092 --> 00:17:07,458
Well, we were
there with Phillip.
496
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,637
You know, he lives next door.
497
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,005
He wanted to see the baby.
498
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,340
Yeah, we let him take it
inside, show it to his family.
499
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,775
Oh, that's sweet.
Yeah, isn't it?
500
00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:13,943
Why don't you
take the stuff inside?
501
00:17:13,967 --> 00:17:15,377
We'll be right
in, dear. All right.
502
00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:16,534
Very good.
503
00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,915
No. Maybe we should
call Mrs. Ferguson.
504
00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:21,138
Maybe we should murder him.
505
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,985
Good. Okay. Phillip, hear this!
506
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,308
Now hear this!
507
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,588
If you don't open that door,
I'm going to bust it down!
508
00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:27,778
Do you hear me?!
509
00:17:28,781 --> 00:17:29,892
You see?
510
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,026
You got all excited for nothing.
511
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,528
Maybe he only wanted
to protect the baby.
512
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:33,796
Yeah. He's not a mean child.
513
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:35,519
Well, I'm gonna murder that kid!
514
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,291
Phillip! Phillip!
515
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,726
Now, I don't understand
about sports writers' dinners,
516
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:45,096
or stolen galoshes, or
Chihuahuas in baskets.
517
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:47,398
What am I doing
holding this foreigner?
518
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,978
It's very simple, Mrs. Ferguson.
519
00:17:49,002 --> 00:17:50,101
It's a trade.
520
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:53,004
The dog is his, and
the baby is ours.
521
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,206
And the monster is yours.
522
00:17:55,274 --> 00:17:57,408
Come on. Thank
you, Mrs. Ferguson.
523
00:17:58,677 --> 00:18:01,212
Do you like my dog?
524
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,414
Looks like a rat.
525
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,017
Hello?
526
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,784
Ah, Mrs. Sammy Lee?
527
00:18:07,853 --> 00:18:08,864
Hey, you found her?
528
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:09,898
Nancy, hurry up, will you?!
529
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,022
Call number 27.
530
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,990
Hello? Oh, Mr. Lee.
531
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:15,893
Is there a Mrs. Lee, please?
532
00:18:15,961 --> 00:18:17,261
You're divorced.
533
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:18,396
Oh, believe me,
534
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,197
I know what you've
been going through.
535
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:21,343
Felix, don't get involved
536
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:22,711
with the guy's life, will you?
537
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:23,745
Hey, he's divorced.
Oh, hang up the phone.
538
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:24,701
Good luck, Sam!
539
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:25,810
Listen, I came through it.
540
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,182
You'll come through it, too.
541
00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:29,718
Do you know that you
are a very rude man?!
542
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:30,986
This fella is going through
543
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,121
the same sort of
crisis that you and I...
544
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,210
Felix, if you didn't
545
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:34,456
get involved in other
people's problems,
546
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,591
we wouldn't have the baby here!
547
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,126
Condemn me for being
a concerned citizen!
548
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,216
Okay, you're condemned.
549
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,385
Face the facts: It's
an abandoned child.
550
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,731
It is not abandoned.
551
00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,455
And we go on in half an hour.
552
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,423
Mom Lee will be here!
553
00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:49,259
I can't risk it, so I
called Murray the cop...
554
00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:50,573
He's on his way
here. Oh, you didn't!
555
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:52,429
Yes, I did. Yes, I did.
556
00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:55,733
Yeah. Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar...
557
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:58,302
Here he is, Felix.
558
00:18:58,370 --> 00:19:00,805
All fed, diapered,
559
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,618
and I cleaned the bassinet.
560
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,553
Here's some fresh diapers.
561
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,689
Now, just let him sleep
562
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:09,033
until his mother arrives.
563
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:10,881
I'm ready, Oscar.
564
00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:12,149
Okay, honey, let's go.
565
00:19:12,218 --> 00:19:13,985
Nancy cares about the baby.
566
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:17,688
Oh, Felix... Oscar
loves the baby.
567
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:20,591
Hmm. The old baby lover
just called for the police.
568
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,959
They'll be here any minute.
569
00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,861
The police?
570
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,075
But then the mother
will get in trouble.
571
00:19:26,099 --> 00:19:27,464
Honey, don't you see?
572
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,100
We could be arrested
for kidnapping.
573
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,735
I mean, Felix took that baby
574
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:32,670
without the mother's
knowledge or consent.
575
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,204
That is kidnapping.
576
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:35,439
I left a note!
577
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:36,440
Suppose it blew away?
578
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,841
Suppose you can't prove it?
579
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:40,021
It's your word against the
word of a hysterical mother.
580
00:19:40,045 --> 00:19:41,645
I'll take that chance.
581
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,846
Oh!
582
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,435
And I'll take it with him.
583
00:19:46,452 --> 00:19:49,486
Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
584
00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:52,023
Another member of the chorus.
585
00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:54,458
Go on, do your
skit, win your award.
586
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,860
I want no part of it.
587
00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:56,994
Ditto.
588
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:58,996
Nancy and I will stay here,
589
00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:01,799
and we'll face the police alone.
590
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,800
Thank you, Bonnie and Clyde.
591
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,169
Okay!
592
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:08,905
Who needs you? I can do it.
593
00:20:13,679 --> 00:20:16,159
Come on, what's the big deal?
594
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:19,150
Okay, I'm sorry, all right?
595
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,995
Besides, I didn't tell
Murray what I wanted.
596
00:20:21,019 --> 00:20:23,720
I just told him that I had
something important to show him.
597
00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:25,367
What are you gonna tell
him when he gets here?
598
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:28,291
I don't know, Felix...
599
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:30,405
You better think
of something fast.
600
00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:31,895
Okay, hide the baby.
601
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,864
I'll take care of Murray.
602
00:20:33,932 --> 00:20:36,367
Thank you, Oscar.
603
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:40,037
You're getting one
more chance, Oscar.
604
00:20:55,688 --> 00:20:56,688
Oh, hi, Murray.
605
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:58,033
Hi, Oscar.
606
00:20:58,057 --> 00:21:00,290
Come on in, yeah, come on in.
607
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,192
Well, you know Nancy.
608
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,661
Oh, yeah, hi, Nancy.
609
00:21:03,729 --> 00:21:04,762
Hello, Murray.
610
00:21:04,830 --> 00:21:06,830
Well, Oscar. What
was so important?
611
00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:08,065
Oh, uh... yeah.
612
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:09,933
Well, I thought maybe
613
00:21:10,002 --> 00:21:12,802
you had taken the
wrong gun again.
614
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:14,871
No, this is mine.
615
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,675
I wouldn't make the
same mistake twice.
616
00:21:17,743 --> 00:21:18,976
Just double checking, Murray.
617
00:21:19,044 --> 00:21:20,877
You know, that's
not my gun, Oscar.
618
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,946
Are you just making fun of me?
619
00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:24,081
Oh, no, Murray,
620
00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:25,760
Oscar wasn't making fun, really.
621
00:21:25,784 --> 00:21:26,895
Doctors don't lie.
622
00:21:26,919 --> 00:21:28,696
They take the Hippocratic oath.
623
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:29,786
Hey, Oscar, what's this?
624
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:30,899
It's a rattle.
625
00:21:30,923 --> 00:21:32,203
Uh, Felix's rattle.
626
00:21:32,258 --> 00:21:33,623
You are making fun of me.
627
00:21:33,692 --> 00:21:35,437
No I'm not, Murray,
that's Felix's rattle.
628
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:36,671
He had it when he was a kid.
629
00:21:36,695 --> 00:21:38,240
You know what a
sentimental nut he is.
630
00:21:38,264 --> 00:21:39,474
Come on, honey, we're going.
631
00:21:39,498 --> 00:21:40,830
Did he save his diapers, too?
632
00:21:40,899 --> 00:21:41,910
No, we're not going.
633
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:42,934
This is weird.
634
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,136
Are you sure there's
not a baby here?
635
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:48,605
I guess you better
tell him, Oscar.
636
00:21:48,674 --> 00:21:50,914
Okay, Murray,
there is a baby here.
637
00:21:50,943 --> 00:21:53,444
You can come out
now, Felix, he knows.
638
00:21:53,512 --> 00:21:55,390
The reason Felix
didn't tell you is
639
00:21:55,414 --> 00:21:56,992
the child may be
an abandoned child.
640
00:21:57,016 --> 00:21:58,259
He thought you
were gonna turn cop
641
00:21:58,283 --> 00:21:59,628
and maybe take
the kid into custody.
642
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,018
Judas!
643
00:22:01,087 --> 00:22:02,419
Judas!
644
00:22:02,488 --> 00:22:03,988
Double Judas!
645
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:05,400
I didn't tell him, Felix.
646
00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:07,424
He figured it out for himself.
647
00:22:07,493 --> 00:22:09,137
He saw the rattle
and the diapers.
648
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,527
He heard the baby crying.
649
00:22:10,596 --> 00:22:12,708
Any idiot could have
figured it out, right, Murray?
650
00:22:12,732 --> 00:22:14,097
I'm sorry, Murray.
651
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:16,066
Oscar tried to cover.
652
00:22:16,135 --> 00:22:18,168
Where'd the baby
come from, Felix?
653
00:22:18,237 --> 00:22:20,904
Oh, Murray, you know
where babies come from.
654
00:22:22,408 --> 00:22:25,409
Still making fun
of me, huh, Unger?
655
00:22:25,478 --> 00:22:26,788
Oh, stop being a
cop for just a minute.
656
00:22:26,812 --> 00:22:28,022
Come on, honey, we're going.
657
00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:29,046
Hold it.
658
00:22:29,081 --> 00:22:30,146
We're not going.
659
00:22:30,215 --> 00:22:31,626
You're not going
anyplace, Oscar.
660
00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:32,895
You're just going
to sit down and wait.
661
00:22:32,919 --> 00:22:34,618
You're all material witnesses.
662
00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:35,752
We are?
663
00:22:35,822 --> 00:22:38,155
You realize that's
a missing person?
664
00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:41,558
I got to make out a full
report and take you all in.
665
00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:43,760
Hold it, Oscar.
666
00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:44,761
I didn't give you permission...
667
00:22:44,831 --> 00:22:47,097
Okay, Murray... to leave.
668
00:22:47,166 --> 00:22:49,399
That'll be the mother.
669
00:22:49,468 --> 00:22:50,534
It better be.
670
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:53,370
Mr. Unger live here?
671
00:22:53,438 --> 00:22:55,438
Yeah, Mr. Rungler.
672
00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:57,441
Are you Mrs. Lee?
673
00:22:57,510 --> 00:22:59,621
Here we are. My baby!
674
00:22:59,645 --> 00:23:01,245
Oh, oh, oh!
675
00:23:01,313 --> 00:23:02,890
Sit down, sit down.
676
00:23:02,914 --> 00:23:04,159
Oh, we were
677
00:23:04,183 --> 00:23:05,260
worried about you.
678
00:23:05,284 --> 00:23:07,128
Oh, I'm so happy my baby's safe.
679
00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:08,285
I was so worried.
680
00:23:08,354 --> 00:23:10,064
We knew you didn't abandon it.
681
00:23:10,088 --> 00:23:11,254
What happened?
682
00:23:11,324 --> 00:23:13,302
I had to leave
for a few minutes.
683
00:23:13,326 --> 00:23:15,892
And while Mr. Runger
took picture of baby...
684
00:23:15,961 --> 00:23:17,406
I remember when you left.
685
00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:18,495
I have trouble.
686
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:19,941
My car make noise and die.
687
00:23:19,965 --> 00:23:21,231
Car died.
688
00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:23,578
I get to the drug store anyway.
689
00:23:23,602 --> 00:23:25,669
I went in, and I came out
690
00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:28,450
What...? Yes.
691
00:23:30,042 --> 00:23:32,020
Would you talk more slowly?
692
00:23:35,213 --> 00:23:37,514
Can you talk a
little more slowly?
693
00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:39,383
I understand Chinese a little...
694
00:23:40,652 --> 00:23:43,620
Uh, I think somebody
stole her purse...
695
00:23:43,689 --> 00:23:44,721
or her nose.
696
00:23:44,790 --> 00:23:46,823
Ah! Stole her nose.
697
00:23:46,893 --> 00:23:49,226
Now, look, this
is a lovely story,
698
00:23:49,295 --> 00:23:51,929
but we have five minutes
to make it to the banquet.
699
00:23:51,998 --> 00:23:54,765
Please, please, if Murray
takes us in his squad car,
700
00:23:54,833 --> 00:23:55,833
we could make it.
701
00:23:55,902 --> 00:23:57,312
Let's go, come on, come on.
702
00:23:57,336 --> 00:23:58,847
We forgot the bassinet.
703
00:23:58,871 --> 00:24:00,204
I'll buy her one. Please!
704
00:24:07,913 --> 00:24:09,825
Oscar, please don't
be so depressed
705
00:24:09,849 --> 00:24:11,081
just because you lost.
706
00:24:11,150 --> 00:24:13,083
I'm depressed because
you didn't get to see it.
707
00:24:13,152 --> 00:24:15,619
Oscar, I'm sorry I
didn't get to see it.
708
00:24:15,688 --> 00:24:16,798
It's not her fault.
709
00:24:16,822 --> 00:24:18,133
I'm a doctor. She's a doctor.
710
00:24:18,157 --> 00:24:19,234
I had an emergency call.
She has emergency calls.
711
00:24:19,258 --> 00:24:20,758
I had to go!
712
00:24:20,826 --> 00:24:22,270
You blame somebody else
for your own things all the time.
713
00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:23,371
Why don't you blame yourself?
714
00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:24,573
It's your fault we didn't win.
715
00:24:24,597 --> 00:24:25,597
You're kidding.
716
00:24:25,665 --> 00:24:27,798
If you were interested
in good comedy
717
00:24:27,867 --> 00:24:30,333
instead of good grammar...
"Whom's on first...
718
00:24:30,402 --> 00:24:32,814
I didn't say a dumb thing
like "Whom's on first."
719
00:24:32,838 --> 00:24:34,983
I admit I said, "You might
throw the ball to whom," but...
720
00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:36,173
To whom, same thing.
721
00:24:36,241 --> 00:24:38,420
But your timing was
so slow, so muddy.
722
00:24:38,444 --> 00:24:39,944
Comedy has to be sharp...
723
00:24:40,012 --> 00:24:41,657
I was going a mile... The
essence of comedy is fast...
724
00:24:41,681 --> 00:24:43,781
Boys! Don't fight.
725
00:24:43,849 --> 00:24:45,027
Don't fight. Do it!
726
00:24:45,051 --> 00:24:46,051
All right!
727
00:24:46,118 --> 00:24:47,484
Let Nancy be the judge.
728
00:24:47,553 --> 00:24:48,418
Sit down, Nancy,
you be the judge.
729
00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:49,598
Now strange as it may seem,
730
00:24:49,622 --> 00:24:50,520
the players on
the St. Louis team
731
00:24:50,590 --> 00:24:51,633
have some very strange names.
732
00:24:51,657 --> 00:24:52,701
You have to listen carefully,
733
00:24:52,725 --> 00:24:53,869
so you get the
names of the players.
734
00:24:53,893 --> 00:24:54,937
Who's on first,
What's on second,
735
00:24:54,961 --> 00:24:55,626
I Don't Know's on third base.
736
00:24:55,695 --> 00:24:56,627
That's what I want.
737
00:24:56,696 --> 00:24:57,739
I want you to tell me the names
738
00:24:57,763 --> 00:24:58,629
of the players on
the St. Louis team.
739
00:24:58,698 --> 00:25:00,108
That's what I'm telling you.
740
00:25:00,132 --> 00:25:01,276
The names of the player's
on the St. Louis team...
741
00:25:01,300 --> 00:25:02,343
Who's on first,
What's on second,
742
00:25:02,367 --> 00:25:03,300
I Don't Know's on third base.
743
00:25:03,368 --> 00:25:04,479
You know the fellow's name? Yes.
744
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,747
Well, then who's
playing first? Right.
745
00:25:05,771 --> 00:25:07,515
No, I mean the fellow
who's playing first base.
746
00:25:07,539 --> 00:25:08,917
Who? I'm asking
you. Who's on first?
747
00:25:08,941 --> 00:25:10,485
That's his name.
That's who's name?
748
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,790
Right. Well, go
ahead and tell me.
48742
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