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1
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:12,822
Open up, I can't find my keys!
2
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,613
Felix, open up!
3
00:00:15,782 --> 00:00:16,959
Felix!
4
00:00:16,983 --> 00:00:18,350
I'm coming.
5
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,221
Stop yelling, I'm coming!
6
00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:23,855
Do you know what time it is?
7
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,468
Don't quiz me, I'm exhausted.
8
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:26,758
It's 2:00 in the morning.
9
00:00:26,827 --> 00:00:29,038
Where have you been
for the last two days?
10
00:00:29,062 --> 00:00:30,829
Canada.
11
00:00:30,897 --> 00:00:32,331
Canada?
12
00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:33,432
Yeah.
13
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:35,144
What were you doing there?
14
00:00:35,168 --> 00:00:37,769
Visiting our American youth.
15
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:40,739
Not funny.
16
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,208
They sent me to Ottowa
to cover the international
17
00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:44,943
curling championship.
18
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,023
Curling, I didn't know
hairdressers have their own sport?
19
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,747
Not that kind of curling.
20
00:00:49,816 --> 00:00:51,727
A guy slides what
looks like a big rock
21
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:53,029
with a handle across the ice
22
00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,764
and two guys sweep
stuff away from it.
23
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,821
That certainly
sounds fascinating.
24
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,102
Yeah, I knew you'd love
it if it involved sweeping.
25
00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:01,660
At least you could have called
me, told me where you were.
26
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,206
Felix, don't start
with me, will ya?
27
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,274
I've spent two sleepless nights
28
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,631
in a cold Montreal hotel.
29
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,077
I'm gonna get a cup of
coffee, I'm going to bed.
30
00:01:08,101 --> 00:01:09,735
I got to be up by 4:00,
31
00:01:09,804 --> 00:01:11,180
cover a twi-night double header.
32
00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:13,149
If you're so tired, you
shouldn't be drinking coffee.
33
00:01:13,173 --> 00:01:15,653
I need the energy
to go to sleep.
34
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,279
Felix...
35
00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,427
your clothes are wrinkled.
36
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:24,917
I fell asleep in them.
37
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:27,485
I've never seen your
clothes wrinkled before.
38
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:30,655
Oscar, I know this isn't
the best time to tell you.
39
00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:32,357
You're tired...
40
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,937
No, no, no, I want
you to tell me.
41
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,639
If it's important enough for
you to wrinkle your clothes
42
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:36,807
I want to know what it is.
43
00:01:36,831 --> 00:01:38,163
It's Albert.
44
00:01:38,231 --> 00:01:39,731
He's taken sick.
45
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,668
He may not make it.
46
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,971
Albert's sick, he
may not make it?
47
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,706
Oh, my gosh, poor Ethel.
48
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:50,809
Ethel who?
49
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:52,155
Albert's wife.
50
00:01:52,179 --> 00:01:53,179
Albert who?
51
00:01:53,213 --> 00:01:54,145
Albert Firthstead.
52
00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:55,980
Oh!
53
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,749
I'm talking about
Albert, my parrot.
54
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,073
Your parrot?
55
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:19,275
You scared me half to death.
56
00:03:19,299 --> 00:03:21,044
You got yourself
wrinkled all over
57
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,345
because of a parrot?
58
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:23,980
Well, I'm terribly sorry
if you're disappointed
59
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,737
that it isn't Albert Firthstead.
60
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:30,876
This Albert happens to
mean an awful lot to me.
61
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:32,577
Yeah, but he's a parrot!
62
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:34,145
And he's sick.
63
00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:36,114
Ah, just look at him.
64
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:38,149
Well, if he's sick,
take him to a vet.
65
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:39,384
I did.
66
00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,398
The vet said there's
nothing to worry about.
67
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:43,455
I don't like the way he looks.
68
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:44,935
I told you that the
day you got him.
69
00:03:44,959 --> 00:03:46,069
You never liked Albert, did you?
70
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:47,025
What's to like?
71
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:48,359
From the day he arrived,
72
00:03:48,428 --> 00:03:49,695
he took over our house.
73
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,863
You never cook our dinner
until you cook his dinner.
74
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:53,364
You put the evening paper
75
00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:54,900
in his cage before I get at it.
76
00:03:54,969 --> 00:03:56,947
You ever try reading the
paper after a parrot's been at it?
77
00:03:56,971 --> 00:03:58,203
You want to talk
78
00:03:58,271 --> 00:03:59,204
about the time
your precious Albert
79
00:03:59,272 --> 00:04:00,316
took a piece out of my ear?
80
00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:02,374
A little nip. A little nip!
81
00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:04,254
I had to wear a corn
plaster for a week.
82
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,946
The vet gave me medicine for
him but... he keeps getting worse.
83
00:04:08,014 --> 00:04:09,658
It doesn't look good. Good!
84
00:04:09,682 --> 00:04:11,216
You know you're a cruel man?
85
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,884
I'm cruel?!
86
00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:15,120
I'm... Ah, listen, Felix,
87
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:16,387
if you cared about this bird
88
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,090
I mean, if you really
cared about him,
89
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,202
you'd give him his freedom.
90
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:20,826
Here. You just
give him a little toss
91
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,293
let him fly out to his freedom.
92
00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:24,296
He's too sick to fly, he'd fall.
93
00:04:24,364 --> 00:04:26,164
So much the better.
94
00:04:28,568 --> 00:04:30,235
I just don't understand
95
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,971
how a big man can
hate a little parrot.
96
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:35,440
You know, its not so much
that that bird nips my ears,
97
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,986
it's that you pamper
him too much.
98
00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:37,942
I don't pamper him.
99
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,021
Yes, you do.
100
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:40,645
Drink out of a glass
for goodness sake.
101
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,158
What are you
baking at this hour?
102
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:43,182
Nothing.
103
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:45,027
Oh, it's something, what is it?
104
00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:46,284
It's nothing, it's nothing.
105
00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:50,155
Come on, what are you... Aww...
106
00:04:50,224 --> 00:04:52,690
A little birdseed cupcake
107
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:54,326
in the shape of a heart.
108
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,905
I thought it might
encourage him to eat.
109
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,241
Then you should have
made it in the shape of an ear.
110
00:04:58,265 --> 00:04:59,775
Those I know he's partial to.
111
00:04:59,799 --> 00:05:01,844
You know, your sadistic tendencies
come out when you're tired.
112
00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:02,868
Good night, Felix.
113
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:09,140
Morning already?
Gee, I feel like
114
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,353
I didn't have any sleep at all.
115
00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:11,676
Time for Albert's medicine.
116
00:05:11,744 --> 00:05:13,378
Every hour on the hour.
117
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,024
Yeah, well, don't
set the alarm for me.
118
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,393
I'm going to sleep till I hear
the ump yell, "Play ball!"
119
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:18,950
No, you can't go to sleep.
120
00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,419
Can't? You watch me give
the best imitation you ever saw.
121
00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:23,221
No, I need you to help me.
122
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:26,057
Please, you've got to help
me give Albert his medicine.
123
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,937
It's too difficult
to do by myself.
124
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,361
You're always telling
me how smart that bird is.
125
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,798
Get him to give you
a hand. Good night.
126
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,432
I'm not asking this for myself
127
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,934
I'm asking it for Albert.
128
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,536
He hates his medicine
and he bites at the dropper.
129
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:41,173
Ah, then you know
what he did to my ear.
130
00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:43,941
Then it's on your head.
131
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:46,356
Felix, that quack vet
said he was all right.
132
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:48,146
You take the word of a quack?
133
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:49,425
He's a professional quack.
134
00:05:49,449 --> 00:05:51,294
Listen, that bird will
live just to spite me.
135
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:52,495
But I'll tell you something,
136
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,631
I don't care whether
he lives or not.
137
00:05:54,655 --> 00:05:55,935
I want to get some sleep.
138
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,589
Good night.
139
00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:59,457
Is that your last word?
140
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:01,137
"Good night" was my last word.
141
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,260
And what about my bird?
142
00:06:02,328 --> 00:06:03,895
Stuff him.
143
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,476
I hope you're happy.
144
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,089
What is this? What is it?
145
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,512
You heard me.
146
00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:22,647
I hope you're happy.
147
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:23,815
You got your wish.
148
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,494
I got my wish? What
wish, what wish?
149
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:26,451
What time is it?
150
00:06:26,519 --> 00:06:29,053
Albert... passed on.
151
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,656
Did you hear what I said?
152
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,925
Albert has passed on.
153
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:34,994
Oh, the parrot.
154
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,794
Is that 6:00 in the morning?
155
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:39,364
You wished him dead
and now he's dead.
156
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,311
And you don't feel the
least bit guilty, do you?
157
00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:43,535
Oh, I feel very
sorry about your bird
158
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,737
but I got to get some sleep.
159
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,641
You can go back to sleep
like nothing's happened?
160
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,075
It's 6:00.
161
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,244
You said it would
make you happy,
162
00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:56,247
and I hope it makes you happy.
163
00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:58,483
Go on, go back to sleep.
164
00:06:58,552 --> 00:07:00,685
Live it up!
165
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,162
I need some coffee.
166
00:07:11,230 --> 00:07:12,909
No, no, that's all right.
167
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,744
I've got to keep busy.
168
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:15,966
I understand.
169
00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:18,670
Ah, my beautiful Pigeon sisters.
170
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:20,750
Three hours of sleep
never seems to be enough.
171
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,674
Oh, is that a single?
172
00:07:22,742 --> 00:07:24,109
Excuse me.
173
00:07:24,178 --> 00:07:26,377
Hey, what's the matter?
174
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,979
You look great.
175
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,681
And you smell marv...
176
00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:32,383
Hey, what do you say if
tonight I drop by your place
177
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,920
we have a couple of
drinks a few laughs?
178
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,699
You can laugh
at a time like this?
179
00:07:36,723 --> 00:07:39,291
Not at a time like
this, a time like tonight.
180
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,458
What do you say?
181
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:41,905
That's the most
insensitive, unfeeling thing
182
00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:43,161
I've ever heard in my life.
183
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:44,974
What is it? A guy
gets up in the morning
184
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,643
two of his best
friends hate him.
185
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,933
Felix, will you tell them
I'm not such a monster.
186
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,879
I'm afraid I can't
do that, Oscar.
187
00:07:50,903 --> 00:07:53,972
Will somebody tell
me what's going on?
188
00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:56,140
Have you forgotten about Albert?
189
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,644
I forgot, yeah.
190
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,947
I'm sorry, Cecily.
191
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,850
I'm sorry, Gwen, I just forgot.
192
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,819
You know how a guy tries
to push out bad thoughts,
193
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:08,987
unpleasant thoughts,
194
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:10,589
he wants to push them out.
195
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,123
I'm sorry.
196
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:14,726
Well, I suppose I understand.
197
00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:16,005
Good, now about tonight.
198
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,363
I'll bring up a couple
of bottles of wine.
199
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:19,476
Oscar Madison!
200
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:20,710
You're not a nice person!
201
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,266
You really had me fooled.
202
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,970
You always presented
this cold, heartless exterior.
203
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,839
I never realized before that
you were just being honest.
204
00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,007
Wait a minute!
205
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,208
I got feelings here, too.
206
00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:31,776
Yes, yes, oh, yes.
207
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:35,013
You better exercise your
feelings with somebody else.
208
00:08:35,081 --> 00:08:37,348
You never liked Albert
from the very beginning.
209
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,717
It's been the talk of
the apartment building.
210
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:41,864
I never wanted any
harm to come to Albert.
211
00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:43,287
You got to believe me.
212
00:08:43,357 --> 00:08:45,690
Please, don't try
to get round me.
213
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,292
Look, a guy says
things he doesn't mean.
214
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:51,028
I didn't mean those
things I said about Albert.
215
00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:52,274
Don't alibi.
216
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:54,265
It's yourself you
have to live with.
217
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,578
Oh, so true.
218
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,647
That was a good one, Felix.
219
00:08:57,671 --> 00:08:59,070
Ah, leave me alone.
220
00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:01,740
What do I have to
do to prove I'm sorry?
221
00:09:01,808 --> 00:09:04,242
Sadness ought to
bring people together.
222
00:09:06,145 --> 00:09:08,665
Yes, I suppose you're right.
223
00:09:10,783 --> 00:09:13,150
All right, we forgive you, too.
224
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,785
Thank you.
225
00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:15,931
You're welcome.
226
00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:17,355
Thanks, Felix.
227
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:20,625
Have you made any arrangements
228
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:25,996
for the, uh... funeral?
229
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,131
Hmm?
230
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,768
The funeral.
231
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,135
No, I hadn't.
232
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,639
I just hadn't th...
233
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:40,044
What do you... what do
you do with... you know?
234
00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,514
Most people just...
235
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:45,528
Well, you know.
236
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,051
No, I don't know.
237
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,586
What she means is, uh...
238
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,556
You know.
239
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:52,690
No, I don't know.
240
00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:57,562
They mean throw him away.
241
00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:00,064
You said it first!
242
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:02,667
I-I-I suppose
that's all we can do.
243
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:06,271
Where is he?
244
00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:16,447
Oh...
245
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:19,027
The bag you bought
his bird seed in.
246
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:21,686
Oh, he'd have loved that.
247
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:24,489
Well, come on.
248
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,791
Let's get it over with.
249
00:10:26,859 --> 00:10:29,260
Albert would have
wanted it that way.
250
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,280
So this is how it all ends?
251
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,616
In the garbage.
252
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:53,451
Oh, don't think of
it like that, Felix.
253
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,686
Just think how
happy Albert will be
254
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,855
up there in parrot paradise.
255
00:10:57,924 --> 00:10:59,557
Well.
256
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,546
Shouldn't we say
something first?
257
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,161
Oh, yeah.
258
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:04,896
Look out below!
259
00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:06,697
You never did like Albert.
260
00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:08,911
Now, look, I feel
guilty enough as it is.
261
00:11:08,935 --> 00:11:11,369
This whole thing is wrong.
262
00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,182
He shouldn't just be
thrown into the garbage.
263
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,284
How would you like to be
dumped into the garbage?
264
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,852
He'd feel comfortable
in familiar surroundings.
265
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:18,254
Why am I always the heavy?
266
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,523
It wasn't my idea to
put him in the trash.
267
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:21,913
What would you do with him?
268
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:23,792
Me? I'd put him in the trash.
269
00:11:23,816 --> 00:11:25,461
What else are we supposed to do?
270
00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,996
We can give him a decent burial.
271
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,898
That's right. Albert would
want a decent burial.
272
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,233
Oh, you want a decent burial?
273
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:31,489
Yes.
274
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:33,069
Fine, there's only
one problem. What?
275
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,526
In all of New York,
276
00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,605
I can't think of one
piece of unpaved ground.
277
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:39,364
You'll find somewhere,
I know you will.
278
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:42,412
Oh, no, no, no, I don't
have the time for this.
279
00:11:42,436 --> 00:11:45,070
By 4:00 I got to
be at the ball park
280
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,305
I got to watch the Mets
slaughter the Cardinals.
281
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:48,739
Oh, it's a baseball team.
282
00:11:48,808 --> 00:11:50,568
But you've got to help Felix.
283
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:51,976
He can't do it alone.
284
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,244
What about you?
285
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,346
Oh, we'd do anything
in the world for you,
286
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,048
Felix, you know we would.
287
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,149
But?
288
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,962
It's just that we
have an appointment
289
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:01,386
with the hairdresser.
290
00:12:01,455 --> 00:12:02,455
I understand.
291
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,355
I understand, too,
it means I'm stuck.
292
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,235
Ah, you don't have
to do anything...
293
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,025
I want to. I want to.
294
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:10,139
Listen, we can't keep
the manicurist waiting.
295
00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:13,164
Oscar, please,
don't be irreverent.
296
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,900
Bye-bye, Felix.
297
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,435
Good-bye, Felix.
298
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:18,636
Good-bye, Albert.
299
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:19,770
Good-bye, Oscar.
300
00:12:23,709 --> 00:12:24,909
Hey, Felix.
301
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,978
Have I got a great idea.
302
00:12:27,046 --> 00:12:28,746
We'll bury Albert at sea.
303
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:30,982
Parrots are supposed
to love the sea.
304
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:34,586
Now, that's a very
sensitive thought.
305
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,322
Yeah, you know what? We're
going to bury Albert in the East River.
306
00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:38,434
That's a wonderful idea.
307
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,902
We won't even need the shovel.
308
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:42,227
Oh, yes we will, have you
seen the East River lately?
309
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,455
Do you want to
say any last words?
310
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:12,957
I don't know.
311
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:13,958
Ah-ah-ah-ah!"
312
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,171
I'm sorry.
313
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,006
I'm sorry, I just
can't bury him.
314
00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,329
Will you look at that water?
315
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,300
So it's dirty?
316
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:23,768
I won't do it.
317
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,223
Oscar...
318
00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:45,568
Oh, come on, will you, Felix?
319
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:46,592
What are you doing?
320
00:13:46,660 --> 00:13:47,670
It's a bird.
321
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:48,971
Where else would you put him?
322
00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:49,995
Pick him up.
323
00:13:50,029 --> 00:13:51,929
Take him out of there, please.
324
00:13:56,102 --> 00:13:57,802
Why didn't we think of the zoo
325
00:13:57,870 --> 00:13:59,370
before walking
around for three hours?
326
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:01,484
I'm sorry, it was my fault
327
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:02,718
but I hated the river.
328
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:03,908
Forget it.
329
00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:06,121
I just hated it...
I hated the river.
330
00:14:06,145 --> 00:14:08,224
It'd be just like throwing
Albert in the garbage
331
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:09,358
only wetter.
332
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,382
Since we're here
333
00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:12,083
let's get it over with, okay?
334
00:14:12,151 --> 00:14:14,463
Oh, this is nice, isn't it?
Nice place, so serene.
335
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,420
But I don't think
336
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:16,887
it's going to matter to Albert.
337
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:19,056
He's as serene as
he's going to get, Felix.
338
00:14:19,125 --> 00:14:21,571
I don't know, I don't know.
339
00:14:21,595 --> 00:14:24,529
Well, I do... whoa,
I see a great spot.
340
00:14:24,598 --> 00:14:27,064
Here, you take Albert,
I'll go get the spot.
341
00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:36,861
Hey, knock it off.
342
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,814
Knock it off.
343
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,050
Ma'am?
344
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,251
Police.
345
00:14:47,319 --> 00:14:48,631
Look, I don't make the laws,
346
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:49,954
I just enforce them.
347
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,889
And you can't do no...
348
00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:55,059
digging in the... park.
349
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:59,597
Oh... the clothes.
350
00:14:59,665 --> 00:15:02,600
I have them on so much
I forget I'm wearing them.
351
00:15:02,668 --> 00:15:04,346
I'm not surprised you'd want to.
352
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:05,547
I do my duty.
353
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:06,771
What is your duty?
354
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,572
I'm looking for sex maniacs.
355
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:10,641
This is supposed to fool them.
356
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,076
Fooled us.
357
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:15,580
I had no idea New York cops
still wore women's clothes.
358
00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:17,260
I'm the only one left.
359
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,884
And the only reason I'm here is
because my sergeant hates me.
360
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:21,697
That's rough. I hate him.
361
00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:25,156
But I get to deduct all the
dresses off my income tax.
362
00:15:25,224 --> 00:15:27,169
How come you're
digging in the park?
363
00:15:27,193 --> 00:15:28,537
I want to bury something.
364
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:29,760
What?
365
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,429
Albert.
366
00:15:31,498 --> 00:15:32,430
Who's Albert? Where is he?
367
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,830
He's in here.
368
00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,466
All of him?
369
00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:36,814
He's a parrot.
370
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,837
Was.
371
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:41,172
Ah, your pet, huh?
372
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:42,807
Gee, that's a shame.
373
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,442
Poor, little guy.
374
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:45,977
Wish I could help you
375
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,890
but you can't bury
him in the park.
376
00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:49,624
Oh, come on, give
us a break, will you?
377
00:15:49,648 --> 00:15:50,892
We've been searching
for three hours.
378
00:15:50,916 --> 00:15:52,828
It's the only soft spot
in all of New York.
379
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:54,730
You should take
him to a pet cemetery.
380
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:55,798
Take him to a what?
381
00:15:55,822 --> 00:15:57,455
A pet cemetery.
382
00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:58,668
Ah, come on, will you?
383
00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,102
It's the nicest thing
384
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,771
and if you really
love your pet...
385
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:02,993
It's a great idea.
386
00:16:03,062 --> 00:16:05,330
I think it's the stupidest
thing I ever heard.
387
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:06,942
I don't think it's stupid.
388
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,210
"I don't think it's stupid"
389
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:10,100
but I'll bet it's expensive.
390
00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:11,703
You going to argue
with the officer
391
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,938
or you going to ask
directions to the mortuary?
392
00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:18,008
I wonder if I can get Donald
Duck to do the eulogy.
393
00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:32,122
Wow, what a
creepy looking joint.
394
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:33,191
Come on, Felix,
395
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,699
let's get out of here.
396
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,462
May I be of some service?
397
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:41,665
I am Mr. Humus, the director.
398
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,578
Yes, um, we've suffered a loss.
399
00:16:43,602 --> 00:16:45,002
Oh, I'm so sorry.
400
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:46,481
Was he a member of the household
401
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:48,117
or did you keep him in the yard?
402
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:49,285
Household.
403
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:50,486
A parrot.
404
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,520
Albert.
405
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:52,710
Mm-hmm.
406
00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:55,612
This way, please.
407
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,850
And now then,
what kind of service
408
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,451
did you have in mind?
409
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,520
Excuse me.
410
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,769
I just remembered, I
don't have money with me.
411
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:08,871
Can I borrow the money...?
412
00:17:08,895 --> 00:17:09,895
Felix, this is insanity.
413
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:11,896
Why don't we drop
the bird on the desk
414
00:17:11,965 --> 00:17:13,030
and get out of here.
415
00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:14,899
Please?
416
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,734
Okay, but no
borrowing, I'll pay for it.
417
00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:18,347
Oh, no, I wouldn't
think of it...
418
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,338
Felix, Felix, I want
to get it over with.
419
00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:21,506
I'll give him the $25
420
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,240
and we'll get out of here.
421
00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:24,920
There you go. Funeral's on me.
422
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,644
Okay, let's go, Felix.
423
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:28,846
Just one moment.
424
00:17:28,915 --> 00:17:30,214
There are a few details.
425
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:33,284
What price range did you
have in mind for the casket?
426
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,120
Well, whatever price range
is included in the 25 bucks.
427
00:17:36,188 --> 00:17:39,189
The price of the
casket is not included.
428
00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:42,860
This is our, um, El Dorado line.
429
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:45,095
Now, that is made
of solid mahogany
430
00:17:45,164 --> 00:17:46,297
with ivory handles.
431
00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:49,099
This one is of pine
with brass handles.
432
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,968
We call it our executive line.
433
00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:52,548
Oh, that's beautiful.
434
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,104
Is that the price?
435
00:17:54,173 --> 00:17:57,275
Well, what's your cheapest one?
436
00:17:57,343 --> 00:17:58,943
That one.
437
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:00,744
What do you call that?
438
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,480
Papier-mache, we don't
even bother to give it a name.
439
00:18:03,549 --> 00:18:06,183
Well then, can I put
you down for the, uh...
440
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:07,351
Cheap one.
441
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,464
Medium-priced one.
442
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:09,753
Very well.
443
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,155
Okay, let's go, Felix.
444
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:12,389
One more thing.
445
00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:14,225
Granite or marble?
446
00:18:14,293 --> 00:18:16,594
Granite or marble what?
447
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:17,595
The headstone.
448
00:18:17,663 --> 00:18:19,664
You're putting me on.
449
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,799
This is some kind
of a joke, isn't it?
450
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:23,834
Mr. Madison, you are
obviously not a pet person.
451
00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:27,004
But I am sure there is
something that you care about
452
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:28,439
outside of money.
453
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:31,475
Well, which headstone is
included in the 25 bucks?
454
00:18:31,543 --> 00:18:33,077
Neither one, I'm afraid.
455
00:18:33,146 --> 00:18:34,011
The inexpensive one.
456
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,447
Is that it?
457
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:37,681
I think so.
458
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:38,994
Okay, Felix, let's go.
459
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,083
One more thing.
460
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:41,918
All we have to do now
461
00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:43,920
is to decide on the
location of the lot.
462
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,556
Now, for just a few more dollars
463
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:47,090
we can have an
excellent view lot
464
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,692
overlooking the statue of Bambi
465
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:50,994
or perhaps somewhere
near Rin Tin Tin.
466
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,529
I think we'll take...
467
00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:54,998
I think we'll take a walk is
what we're going to take.
468
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,845
There's a lot of extras
around here, Mister.
469
00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:59,236
The only thing you get
here for $25 is a receipt.
470
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:00,415
Felix, no matter what
471
00:19:00,439 --> 00:19:01,950
Albert is not going to get
472
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,285
a limousine procession.
473
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:04,941
Try to remember where you are.
474
00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:06,455
I remember where I am.
475
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,490
I'm $150 in the hole!
476
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,259
Mr. Madison, I can understand
477
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:13,317
this is your hour of grief,
but you must be practical.
478
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:14,618
The shorter your outbursts
479
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,453
the quicker you can leave.
480
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:19,122
Next question.
481
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,525
Yes, when would you like to
have the deceased interred?
482
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:22,959
Soon as possible.
483
00:19:23,028 --> 00:19:25,796
Good, immediately then.
484
00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:27,598
Now, how many friends
485
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,633
of the deceased can we expect?
486
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:33,136
I beg your pardon?
487
00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,072
How many mourners?
488
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,308
Well, there's, um...
489
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:39,276
I suppose the doctor...
490
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:41,812
Pigeon sisters.
491
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,548
Pigeon sisters?
492
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:45,849
They're people, they're people!
493
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,353
Well, it does seem so hollow
494
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:51,722
when the deceased
bids farewell to this world,
495
00:19:51,790 --> 00:19:54,492
that his peers are not
there to see him off.
496
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,927
Did he have any bird friends?
497
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,163
Albert had no peers.
498
00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:01,331
He was a giant among birds
499
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,233
and they resented him for it!
500
00:20:03,302 --> 00:20:05,335
No mourners.
501
00:20:05,404 --> 00:20:07,404
No mourners!
502
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,181
It's so sad.
503
00:20:17,249 --> 00:20:18,549
What a waste.
504
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,095
Money down the drain.
505
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:22,119
Oh, Oscar!
506
00:20:22,187 --> 00:20:23,520
I feel terrible.
507
00:20:23,589 --> 00:20:26,323
I had no idea that his
illness was so serious.
508
00:20:26,392 --> 00:20:28,359
Don't blame yourself.
509
00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:31,328
But I obviously made
the wrong diagnosis.
510
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:34,197
We know so little.
511
00:20:53,652 --> 00:20:55,119
Ladies and gentlemen,
512
00:20:55,188 --> 00:20:56,587
we are gathered here today
513
00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:59,623
to bid farewell to... 150 bucks.
514
00:20:59,691 --> 00:21:00,869
Shh!
515
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:02,626
Shh!
516
00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,640
To Albert, beloved
pet to Felix Unger,
517
00:21:04,664 --> 00:21:07,464
friend of Oscar Madison,
518
00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:09,266
Gwendolyn and Cecily Pigeon...
519
00:21:09,335 --> 00:21:11,068
He remembered us.
520
00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,802
And Dr. Maurice Schneider.
521
00:21:14,907 --> 00:21:17,575
You did remember to give
him his medicine, didn't you?
522
00:21:17,643 --> 00:21:19,443
Every hour on the hour.
523
00:21:19,512 --> 00:21:21,044
The mysteries of life
524
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,213
have once again
reached full circle.
525
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:24,793
Every hour?
526
00:21:24,817 --> 00:21:25,883
Four drops every hour.
527
00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:27,351
Just as you instructed.
528
00:21:27,419 --> 00:21:28,997
Hey, fellas, will
you keep it down?
529
00:21:29,021 --> 00:21:30,488
It's a very expensive funeral.
530
00:21:30,556 --> 00:21:32,033
I told you to give him
531
00:21:32,057 --> 00:21:34,691
one drop every four hours.
532
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,793
No wonder.
533
00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:39,062
He overdosed.
534
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:42,032
You mean it was my fault?
535
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,537
What we must try to understand
536
00:21:46,606 --> 00:21:48,406
is that death is part of life,
537
00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:49,807
and that we, the living
538
00:21:49,875 --> 00:21:53,243
must learn that death
is not the end of life
539
00:21:53,313 --> 00:21:56,747
but merely a step,
a step toward a truer
540
00:21:56,816 --> 00:22:00,384
richer, fuller ending.
541
00:22:00,452 --> 00:22:03,186
And if we shed tears for Albert,
542
00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:06,356
are we not only shedding
tears for ourselves?
543
00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:12,463
Albert?
544
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:15,065
Albert!
545
00:22:15,134 --> 00:22:17,001
Stop the funeral!
546
00:22:17,070 --> 00:22:18,468
It's locked.
547
00:22:18,537 --> 00:22:19,748
Must be stuck.
Locks costs extra.
548
00:22:19,772 --> 00:22:23,273
He's standing up, he's alive!
549
00:22:23,343 --> 00:22:25,108
It's a miracle.
550
00:22:29,649 --> 00:22:31,548
He seems all right.
551
00:22:31,617 --> 00:22:33,483
All that medicine you gave him
552
00:22:33,552 --> 00:22:35,186
he must have been in a coma.
553
00:22:36,723 --> 00:22:39,957
Albert... Albert.
554
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:41,925
Look out, the ear!
555
00:22:41,994 --> 00:22:43,226
Come back, Albert.
556
00:22:43,295 --> 00:22:44,729
Albert!
557
00:22:44,797 --> 00:22:46,930
Albert, you come back here.
558
00:22:46,999 --> 00:22:48,565
Albert.
559
00:22:48,634 --> 00:22:50,945
I liked him better
when he was dead.
560
00:22:50,969 --> 00:22:53,370
He's gone, he's gone.
561
00:22:53,439 --> 00:22:55,050
What are you griping about?
562
00:22:55,074 --> 00:22:57,241
Felix, he was a lot
goner a minute ago.
563
00:22:57,310 --> 00:23:00,311
I'm, uh, sorry that things
didn't work out better.
564
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,479
It would have been
such a nice funeral.
565
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:04,826
Yeah, but since we're
not going to have a funeral
566
00:23:04,850 --> 00:23:06,662
I'd like to have my
money back, please.
567
00:23:06,686 --> 00:23:07,896
I'm sorry, it's not refundable.
568
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,064
But the bird's alive!
569
00:23:09,088 --> 00:23:11,088
Well, you can hardly
blame me for that.
570
00:23:11,156 --> 00:23:12,823
Now, if you will excuse me.
571
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:14,869
Hold it, nobody move.
572
00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:18,895
Just hold it.
573
00:23:18,964 --> 00:23:20,664
What are you doing?
574
00:23:20,733 --> 00:23:21,776
It's my fly.
575
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,034
My pet fly.
576
00:23:24,103 --> 00:23:26,069
On with the funeral.
577
00:23:26,138 --> 00:23:28,572
Oh, come now,
this is ridiculous.
578
00:23:28,641 --> 00:23:30,419
Oh, do you think the
Better Business Bureau
579
00:23:30,443 --> 00:23:32,354
would find it ridiculous?
580
00:23:32,378 --> 00:23:35,045
I see, did the
deceased have a name?
581
00:23:35,114 --> 00:23:36,513
Sol.
582
00:23:36,582 --> 00:23:38,315
Sol.
583
00:23:45,358 --> 00:23:47,057
Ladies and gentlemen
584
00:23:47,126 --> 00:23:48,959
we are gathered here
today to bid farewell
585
00:23:49,028 --> 00:23:54,064
to Sol, beloved fly
of Oscar Madison.
586
00:23:54,133 --> 00:23:59,069
Now, we all know that
life is not one long...
587
00:24:03,643 --> 00:24:05,242
Good morning, Felix.
588
00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:06,476
Boy, am I hungry.
589
00:24:06,546 --> 00:24:07,589
How do you feel?
590
00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:10,347
I didn't sleep 30
seconds last night.
591
00:24:10,416 --> 00:24:11,949
Because of Albert?
592
00:24:12,018 --> 00:24:13,896
Yeah, I haven't felt this rotten
593
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,318
since my divorce.
594
00:24:15,387 --> 00:24:16,420
Oh, cheer up.
595
00:24:16,488 --> 00:24:18,822
He was born free, and
now he can live free.
596
00:24:18,891 --> 00:24:20,402
He was born in a pet shop
597
00:24:20,426 --> 00:24:22,103
and he lived there all his life.
598
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:24,061
He's probably a
lot happier anyway.
599
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:26,697
Met a girl parrot,
fell in love, you know.
600
00:24:26,766 --> 00:24:28,176
He was always happy here.
601
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,520
It's just not like
him to disobey, I...
602
00:24:31,871 --> 00:24:33,804
Well, he's not in the
obituary columns anyway.
603
00:24:34,907 --> 00:24:37,052
Did you hear something?
604
00:24:37,076 --> 00:24:39,276
Yeah, my stomach's
growling, I'm starving.
605
00:24:39,344 --> 00:24:42,012
Can it be?
606
00:24:42,081 --> 00:24:45,349
No, it can't be.
607
00:24:45,418 --> 00:24:48,385
Oh, Oscar! Oscar!
608
00:24:48,454 --> 00:24:49,954
Albert's come back.
609
00:24:51,524 --> 00:24:53,056
Look who's here!
610
00:24:53,125 --> 00:24:56,060
Albert, hello...
Say hello to Oscar.
611
00:24:56,128 --> 00:24:57,260
Oscar.
612
00:24:57,329 --> 00:24:59,596
Hello, Albert, how are
you? Nice to see you.
38804
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