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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:05,000
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,400
Okay, Rebecca, uh,
here's the deal.
3
00:00:07,500 --> 00:00:08,900
I'll paint the whole office,
4
00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:12,700
including woodwork,
and, uh, it'll run you...
5
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:14,000
400.
6
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,000
400 bucks sounds reasonable.
7
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,400
Oh, no, that's 400 beers.
8
00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:21,800
The "B" with the slanty
line through it....
9
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:23,500
It's kind of my own
special currency.
10
00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:27,100
It's a deal.
11
00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:28,800
Oh, and, Norm, remember--
12
00:00:28,900 --> 00:00:30,500
this time Sam wants
something really simple.
13
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:33,200
Oh, yeah. I've got
some, some choices here.
14
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:36,100
Um, I've got sand white,
15
00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:37,400
uh, ivory white,
16
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:38,700
off-white,
17
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:39,500
Navajo white...
18
00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:40,900
They all look just alike.
19
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,200
Well, they're different.
Are you sure?
20
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,400
Well, yeah. Of
course I'm sure.
21
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:45,500
What do you think?
22
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,300
I'm trying to push
one color on you?
23
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:48,600
I mean, I resent that, Rebecca.
24
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:49,700
Oh, I'm sorry.
25
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:51,200
No, that one's
fine, right there.
26
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:52,500
Oh, cream white.
Mm-hmm.
27
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:53,900
Excellent choice.
28
00:00:53,900 --> 00:00:54,900
And, as luck would have it,
29
00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:57,500
I happen to have 42 gallons
of it in my garage.
30
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:02,700
(theme song begins)
31
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,100
� Making your way
in the world today �
32
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,400
� Takes everything you've got �
33
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,000
� Taking a break
from all your worries �
34
00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:16,500
� Sure would help a lot
35
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,400
� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �
36
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,300
� Sometimes you want to go
37
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:28,100
� Where everybody
knows your name �
38
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:34,200
� And they're always
glad you came �
39
00:01:34,300 --> 00:01:36,100
� You wanna be
where you can see �
40
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:39,200
� Our troubles
are all the same �
41
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:43,500
� You wanna be where
everybody knows your name �
42
00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:46,700
� You wanna go
where people know �
43
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:49,500
� People are all the same
44
00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:53,700
� You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. �
45
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:15,600
Well, good morning, Sam.
46
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,500
Yeah? What's good about it?
47
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:21,000
Well, you have your health,
a good business, and friends
48
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,100
who put up with your
violent mood swings.
49
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:25,800
Yeah. I'm sorry.
50
00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:27,300
It's just...
I got some bad news.
51
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:30,600
You guys all remember the
Miss Boston Barmaid contest?
52
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:32,000
Oh, yeah.
53
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,000
That's the annual contest
54
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,600
where they try to
find the most talented
55
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:36,200
and efficient
waitress in Boston,
56
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,800
which-- surprise,
surprise--
57
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,800
always turns out to be the babe
with the biggest honeydews.
58
00:02:42,500 --> 00:02:45,300
Right. Well, this year
they're holding it at Cheers.
59
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:46,700
All right!
All right!
60
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,100
No, no, no, no. No,
It's not what you think.
61
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,100
They changed all
the categories here.
62
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:52,900
Listen to this-- speed,
efficiency, memorization,
63
00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:55,400
personal warmth, courtesy.
64
00:02:55,500 --> 00:02:58,400
I mean, it's like bra size
doesn't even exist anymore!
65
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,500
Well, Sam, they're just
trying to keep pace
66
00:03:02,500 --> 00:03:04,100
with the current
social enlightenment.
67
00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,400
I mean, how would you like
to be judged solely
68
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:08,900
on the basis of your looks
and your body alone?
69
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,000
I'd love it. I'd win.
70
00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:12,700
The whole contest
71
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,000
has gone to hell.
72
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:16,700
I mean, believe me, I-I,
I really presented my case
73
00:03:16,700 --> 00:03:18,000
to the contest committee.
74
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,200
See, I made a graph here.
75
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,800
Look at this. Now, these
the bust measurements
76
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:23,600
of all the winners
77
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:25,400
since 1976,
and almost
78
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,700
to a woman, they're over a 38.
79
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,800
What's this one that
dips way down here?
80
00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:32,200
Uh, that's the year Diane won.
81
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:37,800
It's no good.
It's just no good at all.
82
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:39,900
I think I'm gonna
write my councilman.
83
00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:41,500
Oh, what am I talking about?!
84
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,500
My councilman's a babe, too!
85
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,600
God, the whole world's
crowding in on me!
86
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,700
Carla, you gonna try out
for this contest?
87
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,500
I don't think so.
Well, you heard Sam.
88
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:52,700
It's not about
looks this year.
89
00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,900
Thank you, Woody.
You should
90
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:00,700
do it, Carla.
91
00:04:00,700 --> 00:04:01,500
Look, I know
92
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:02,600
I'm a good waitress.
93
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,100
I don't need
some obnoxious dork
94
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:06,000
in a cheap suit
telling me I'm the best.
95
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:07,000
But you are the best.
96
00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:08,800
I just said I
didn't need that.
97
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:13,800
Besides, even if I did win,
what would I get?
98
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,900
A lousy ten bucks
and a handshake?
Well,
99
00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,100
it says here you get
a brand new Mazda Miata.
100
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:21,200
Get out of town.
101
00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:22,800
Just for doing my job?
102
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,500
Mm-hmm.
103
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,900
Oh...
104
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,400
I'm gonna get myself this Miata.
105
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,500
All right.
106
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:30,500
Yeah.
107
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:32,700
Uh! Uh-oh. Snag.
108
00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,400
What about warmth,
personal courtesy?
109
00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:40,600
What about me shoving this
brochure up your nose?
110
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,300
You're a shoo-in.
111
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,400
I couldn't help but notice,
for the last couple of days
112
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,500
you have just been sitting
here doing nothing.
113
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:57,900
Hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
114
00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,200
Obviously, we haven't met.
115
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:00,500
This really bothers me.
116
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:01,600
Why?
117
00:05:01,700 --> 00:05:03,200
Because, because you
have a job to do
118
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,700
and instead, you
are just sitting here
119
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:06,000
talking to Cliff all day long.
120
00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:07,800
I mean, you're
not even trying.
121
00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:09,700
Rebecca, do you get Cheers?
122
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,700
I mean, do you
understand the concept?
123
00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:17,700
I want to see some work
by the end of today.
124
00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:20,400
If you can't get the job done,
I will hire a professional.
125
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,700
Oddly enough, that's what
Vera said on our honeymoon.
126
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,000
So, uh, how're you
gonna get out of this one?
127
00:05:30,100 --> 00:05:31,400
Relax, Cliffy,
128
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,300
I got it covered.
129
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,800
I have a new
industrial paint sprayer.
130
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,600
Gets the job done
in a couple of hours.
131
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:36,700
Very clever.
132
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:37,600
Mm-hmm.
133
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,200
It was invented
by the Japanese
134
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,700
so they could paint, you know,
more efficiently and quickly.
135
00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:43,500
Whereas you will use it
to drink more beers,
136
00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:44,900
watch more TV,
and put off everything
137
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,000
until the very last minute.
138
00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:47,800
Right. You see,
they're way ahead of us
139
00:05:47,900 --> 00:05:50,800
in technology, but they don't
have our creativity.
140
00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:56,100
Hey, Doc, how do you think
I look for the contest?
141
00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:59,500
Well, my goodness, Carla,
that is a jaunty bow!
142
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,600
Yeah.
143
00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:03,100
Where did you get it?
144
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,300
Well...
145
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,300
the first job
I ever had was, uh,
146
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,400
at this greasy spoon
when I was 15.
147
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:12,600
There was this old waitress
there, named Cora.
148
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:14,700
She taught me everything
I know about waiting tables.
149
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,800
Anyway, on, uh, her last day,
150
00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:20,900
the day they were carting her
off to the nursing home,
151
00:06:20,900 --> 00:06:23,100
she gave me this bow.
152
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:24,700
She told me
to wear it with pride
153
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:28,600
because being a waitress
is a wonderful thing.
154
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:31,100
Carla, that's quite a story.
155
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:33,200
Now, if the judges
are as sappy as you,
156
00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,400
I get me a new car!
157
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,800
(laughing)
158
00:06:37,700 --> 00:06:38,700
Carla.
159
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:39,700
(clears throat)
160
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,200
Honey, I just want you to know
161
00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:45,000
that I've got some... moral
problems with this contest.
162
00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:48,600
It's not gonna get in the way
of me hoping you win.
163
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:49,700
Yeah. Well,
thanks, Sam.
Yeah.
164
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:51,300
Now, would you give me
my button over there?
165
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,300
Oh.
166
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,500
Here. "My name's Carla
and I love your smile."
167
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:57,000
(chuckles):
Here.
168
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,200
Boy, you're really prepared
to go all the way for this.
169
00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:01,200
Yeah. I got a button
that says that, too.
170
00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:02,600
Think I should wear it?
171
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:04,600
No, no. I'd stick
with the smile thing.
172
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:05,900
Right.
173
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,100
Could I have some service?
174
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:08,200
Coming!
175
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:13,400
Hi. I'll be
your waitress today.
176
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,000
How may I serve you?
177
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:16,500
I want a martini.
178
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:18,600
Dry. D-R-Y.
179
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:20,400
And that means
180
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:21,700
light on the vermouth.
181
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:23,500
And I want a twist,
not an olive.
182
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:24,700
Very well, sir.
183
00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,200
Uh, uh, read
that back to me.
184
00:07:26,300 --> 00:07:28,700
I don't want any mistakes.
185
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:32,100
One martini, very dry.
186
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,500
You forgot the twist.
187
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,400
Twist it is.
188
00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,400
I'll twist his big ears off.
189
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,700
Take it easy, take it easy.
190
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:41,800
He wants a very dry
martini with a twist.
191
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,500
What'd you do that for?
192
00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,200
It's nothing personal.
193
00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,200
I was just
letting off steam.
194
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,600
Then why don't you
push Norm off his stool?
195
00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:02,400
You don't know much
about physics, do you?
196
00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:07,900
Don't forget the twist!
197
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:08,700
Let me see my brochure.
198
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:10,500
I gotta get a look at my car.
199
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,200
Oh...
200
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,500
Yes.
(laughs)
201
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:16,600
Oh, it's worth it.
202
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,100
It's worth it.
Yeah.
203
00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,800
Carla, this must've
fallen out of your folder.
204
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,300
It says "List of Judges."
205
00:08:22,700 --> 00:08:24,000
Are you kidding?
206
00:08:24,100 --> 00:08:27,000
That's supposed
to be top secret.
207
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,300
Oh, my God.
208
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,900
This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
209
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:32,100
I'm gonna know who they are.
210
00:08:32,200 --> 00:08:34,600
Now all I have to do is
kiss up to the squids
211
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,200
on that list and I'll
be driving home
212
00:08:36,300 --> 00:08:37,500
in a nice, new convertible.
213
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:38,800
All right.
214
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:40,200
Who are they, Woody?
215
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,500
David Murphy, Cliff Clavin
216
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:43,800
and Frank Smith.
217
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,500
(yells)
218
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,500
Now, who is Frank Smith,
219
00:08:56,600 --> 00:08:58,500
and why is Carla so mad at him?
220
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,900
And now, on top
of everything else,
221
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,800
I've got this huge
headache outta nowhere.
222
00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,800
They picked Clavin
to be a judge.
223
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:19,800
What could they
have been thinking of?
224
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:22,900
Aw, they probably
want someone, you know,
225
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,200
with lot of bar experience,
226
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,500
and he has been hanging
around here a lot, you know.
227
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:27,600
Yeah, well, so's Norm.
228
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,900
Why didn't they pick you, Norm?
229
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:29,900
Well, maybe they did.
230
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,800
I haven't opened
my mail in a while.
231
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:36,200
Once my Unemployment ran out,
all the incentive was gone.
232
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:38,100
No doubt about it,
233
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,500
these things were a
lot easier on all of us
234
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:44,100
when they were
just bimbo contests.
235
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:45,500
You know, if this...
236
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,800
this is the new age
of enlightenment,
237
00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:50,200
why, why does it
hurt so many people?
238
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,700
Norm, I gotta
ask you a question.
239
00:09:57,700 --> 00:09:58,900
All right.
240
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,100
You know, over the years,
241
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,300
I've been pretty
bad to Clavin.
Mmm.
242
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,700
And I've done
some things that...
243
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,500
maybe I shouldn't have.
244
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,500
Mm-hmm.
Called him names.
245
00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,500
Punctured his tires.
246
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,100
Set fire to his hair.
247
00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,400
What's the question?
248
00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:14,500
Do you think he noticed?
249
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:15,900
(snorts)
250
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,000
You made this guy
eat a bug once.
251
00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:22,500
Come on, that's a birthday
the guy's never gonna forget.
252
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,600
Okay, I'll send
him flowers.
253
00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:27,200
Carla, that bug laid
eggs in his stomach.
254
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,000
Yeah. That was
kind of a bonus.
255
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,000
Oh... God.
256
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,300
I might as well just
chop this phony bow.
257
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,500
Aww.
258
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,500
You're right, Norm.
It's hopeless.
259
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:40,700
I'm never gonna win anything.
260
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,200
Come on.
No, really.
261
00:10:42,300 --> 00:10:44,200
You know, I thought
it was my turn.
262
00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:46,200
I thought that,
for once in my life,
263
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,500
I was gonna be recognized
264
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,900
for being the best
at what I do.
265
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:52,700
Now, because of Clavin,
I don't even get the chance.
266
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,600
All right, well, why
don't you try this?
267
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,400
Actually be nice to Cliff.
268
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,200
Listen to his stories.
269
00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:01,200
Treat him like a friend.
270
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:02,500
(laughs):
I'm sorry.
271
00:11:02,500 --> 00:11:05,500
It's the beer talking.
272
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:06,800
Well, that, uh, Paul,
in a nutshell,
273
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:09,800
is the history
of Western civilization.
274
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:13,500
You were right
to come to me.
275
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:14,800
I didn't come to you, Cliff.
276
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:17,400
I was, uh, waiting
to use the phone.
277
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:22,900
Go on, Cliff.
278
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,100
I'm listening.
279
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,500
I'm interested
in Western civilization.
280
00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:28,500
You all right, Carla?
281
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:30,800
Beat it, lard butt!
282
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,100
Thank God. I thought
I was hallucinating.
283
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:39,000
Interested, huh?
284
00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,400
Oh, yeah!
That's funny.
285
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,500
You, uh, you never
listened to me before.
286
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,200
I listen to you
all the time, Cliff.
287
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,100
Yeah, as a matter of fact,
288
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,600
I often go home
and tell the kids
289
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,500
about this very,
very smart man at work.
290
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,200
Why are you so mean
to me all the time?
291
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:56,900
Mean?
292
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,700
Well, like when you knocked me
off that stool.
293
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,300
Knocked... Oh, no!
294
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,400
Oh, no, that was just
an affectionate nudge,
295
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:09,200
you, you old silly billy.
296
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:20,500
Well, that, that did sort
of hurt my back
297
00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:21,900
a little bit.
Oh...
298
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:26,100
You know, I wondered if you
might... Uh, no, never mind.
299
00:12:26,100 --> 00:12:27,200
I could never ask you.
300
00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:29,100
Oh, no, Cliff.
301
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,700
Uh, would you like me to get you
something for your back?
302
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,600
Some, uh, heating pad
or some Doan's Pills?
303
00:12:34,700 --> 00:12:36,800
Well, well,
you know a little,
304
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:40,100
uh, back rub might help
a little.
305
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:42,300
Wouldn't you rather have
a heating pad
306
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:44,300
or some Doan's Pills?
307
00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:47,300
Right there between
the, uh, scapuli.
308
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,600
Why, uh, sure.
309
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,100
Oh, that feels good.
310
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,600
Ah! You know, Carla,
what the heck.
311
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,200
I'll just take off my shirt
312
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:12,400
and you can come in
the office with me
313
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:13,800
and really knead
the flesh.
314
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:19,000
(makes tire squealing sound)
315
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:26,100
Okay. But if I'm not out
of there in 15 minutes,
316
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,400
nail that door shut,
call my kids
317
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:31,200
and tell them I died
in a hideous explosion.
318
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:33,700
I wouldn't want them
to know the truth.
319
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,900
(sighs)
320
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:43,000
How's that painting job
coming along, Norm?
321
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,700
Ah, swear to God,
322
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,800
I would be in there painting
this very moment,
323
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:48,100
but, uh, Carla's using the room.
324
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:49,300
She's giving Cliff a massage.
325
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,000
Oh, please!
326
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,000
Give me a break.
327
00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:59,000
Oh, dear.
328
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:02,600
See?
329
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:05,400
Yes, I see.
330
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,500
Now if you could just get
the rest of that office
331
00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,100
half as white as Cliff's
upper body, I'd be happy.
332
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:14,500
Woody, a beer for Cliff, please.
333
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:16,300
And, uh,
334
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:21,300
I have to get, four,
five, six pretzels
335
00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:25,300
with the salt brushed off
just one side.
336
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,300
(sobbing):
I touched his skin!
337
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,700
Oh, horror, horror!
338
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:43,800
You might pretend
it's something less repulsive.
339
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:51,300
Less, less repulsive than
340
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,300
Cliff's naked back?
341
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,700
Oh! You mean
like a dead animal
342
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,400
lying on the side
of the road
343
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:00,600
squirming with maggots?
344
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,800
Precisely. Visualize.
345
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:07,300
Visualize!
346
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,500
Yeah!
347
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,200
I think that can work.
348
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:12,100
Thanks, Doc.
349
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:13,800
It's only maggots.
350
00:15:13,900 --> 00:15:14,900
It's only maggots.
351
00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:18,500
Boy, that Carla sure is smart,
352
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,900
buttering up to Mr. Clavin
so she'll win.
353
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,300
Wish I'd had those smarts
354
00:15:22,300 --> 00:15:25,500
when I was doing the county fair
circuit with my hog Maribelle.
355
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,300
Rule number one:
you got to schmooze.
356
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,400
You gotta go
to the right parties.
357
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,100
You gotta sell out.
358
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,000
I wouldn't.
359
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,500
So I brought Maribelle home
a loser.
360
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,600
It broke my heart.
361
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,800
How was Maribelle?
362
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:43,000
Not bad with applesauce.
363
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,400
Carla, you've really got
strong, peasant hands.
364
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,400
Thank you, Cliff.
365
00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:59,300
It's really quite
a refreshing change,
366
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,400
you being nice
to me all of a sudden.
367
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:04,700
It's not all of a sudden.
368
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,600
It's like when
you're in third grade
369
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:11,400
when you tease the boy
you secretly like the most.
370
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,300
You mean the whole third grade
secretly liked me?
371
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,200
Forget it.
372
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:24,400
Wait a minute, Carla, are you
trying to say you like me?
373
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:28,000
Well...
374
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,100
Oh, come on, don't be shy.
375
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:31,200
Say it.
376
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,400
Say it so
the guys can hear it.
377
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:39,700
I like you.
378
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:40,800
I said it.
379
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:44,900
Doc, I feel like
I'm gonna explode.
380
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:45,900
What should I do?
381
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:48,000
Find some way to
release the tension.
382
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,100
Good thinking.
383
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,300
Oh! Oh!
384
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,000
Oh, thank you.
I feel a lot better. Thank you.
385
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:56,400
Carla,
386
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:59,200
you know, you did such a good
job with the back rub,
387
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:01,900
now my feet are jealous.
388
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:07,800
Allow me.
389
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:20,900
I rubbed his feet.
I rubbed his feet!
390
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:22,800
Carla, Carla,
Carla, come on.
Cut it out.
391
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:24,400
You've been washing
your hands with kerosene
392
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,300
for half an hour.
They're clean!
393
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:27,600
No, not yet, Sam.
394
00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:30,100
Get me a match.
395
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,000
Carla, it couldn't have been
that bad.
396
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:34,200
Like hell.
397
00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,500
I didn't look,
398
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,500
but I'm sure I felt six toes
on his left foot.
399
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,700
If the judges will please come
forward and the contestants
400
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,000
will take their places,
401
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,000
we're ready to begin
402
00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:50,900
the 53rd Annual Miss Boston
Barmaid Contest.
403
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,200
Uh, uh, I'll be right there.
404
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:55,100
I'm just gonna go get
the other judge.
405
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,300
What other judge?
406
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:57,600
Cliff Clavin.
407
00:17:57,700 --> 00:17:59,500
Sorry. I don't know
a Cliff Clavin.
408
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:03,900
Well, what, what about this?
409
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,100
Oh, I'm sorry, miss.
410
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,300
That's not official.
411
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,200
Someone must be
having fun with you.
412
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:14,200
Hey, uh, Carla,
413
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,100
you still got
that little brush?
414
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,800
Uh, you left a couple
of crumbs on my mustache.
415
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,300
You know, Cliff, uh, I think
416
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:28,300
you, uh, ought
to keep those crumbs.
417
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,700
They're gonna need 'em
to identify your body.
418
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:33,000
You set me up!
419
00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:35,200
You put your name
on that list
420
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,300
just so that I would
be nice to you!
421
00:18:37,300 --> 00:18:39,200
EMCEE:
Contestant number one?
422
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:43,600
(sweetly):
Yes?
423
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:45,600
If you'll take your place
424
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:47,300
with the other contestants
we can begin.
425
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:48,700
(groans)
426
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,100
I have to go be in
the contest now, Cliff.
427
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:54,100
Why don't you make
your peace with God?
428
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,400
Are you nuts?!
429
00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:00,900
Did you think you were gonna
actually get away with that?
430
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,800
You know you're dead
now, don't you?
431
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:04,800
Eh, I know, Norm.
432
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:07,000
Some men have a mission.
433
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,700
Uh, guys climb Mount Everest.
434
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,900
Other guys walk on the moon.
435
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:12,500
Yeah, either of those
would be a pretty good
436
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,000
hiding place for
you right now.
437
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:17,000
I topped them all, yessiree.
438
00:19:17,100 --> 00:19:18,600
I had Carla rub my bare feet.
439
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,400
I'm gonna have that etched
on my tombstone.
440
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:23,000
You can start working
on it just about now.
441
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,300
Contestant number one,
you're first.
442
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:30,500
Our first category will be speed
followed by memorization,
443
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:31,500
personal warmth,
444
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,900
courtesy
and drink knowledge.
445
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,600
SAM (high voice):
What about the bikini round?
446
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:39,400
We're well aware
of your views, Mr. Malone.
447
00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:48,900
And now let the contest begin.
448
00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:49,500
EMCEE:
Thank you.
Very nicely done.
449
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,300
That concludes our competition.
450
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,800
As the judges tally their votes,
451
00:20:53,900 --> 00:20:55,400
let's have a big round
of applause
452
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:56,700
for all of our contestants.
453
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:01,700
Sammy,
You did great.
454
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:03,800
oh, Sammy, I've really
got a shot at this.
455
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:04,500
Yeah.
456
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:05,900
You know, I hate to admit it,
457
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:07,800
but I think it might be
because of you, Clavin.
458
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:09,100
What do you mean?
459
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:12,100
Well, I took all that energy
I was gonna use to kill you,
460
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,900
and I put it into doing
the best job I could.
461
00:21:14,900 --> 00:21:15,900
Oh, yeah, yeah, well,
462
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,500
then my secret strategy
worked, huh?
463
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:20,100
Well, I hope you
enjoy the car, Carla.
464
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:22,100
And, uh, just remember who
made it all possible.
465
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,100
EMCEE:
If the contestants
will please be seated.
466
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,200
Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a winner.
467
00:21:27,300 --> 00:21:29,700
Oh, it's me, it's me,
it's me, I feel it!
468
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,700
The proud owner of a brand-new
1991 convertible,
469
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:37,400
and our new Miss Boston Barmaid
is...
470
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,500
Miss Shawnee Wilson!
471
00:21:44,300 --> 00:21:46,000
But she spilled all the drinks.
472
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:47,700
Who cares? Look at her.
473
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:49,500
I won! I won!
I won!
474
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,300
I won! I won! I won!
475
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:52,900
No, no, you won!
476
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,300
I won! I won!
I won!
477
00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:01,200
And let's not forget
our Miss Congeniality award.
478
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:05,100
It goes to contestant number
one, Cheers' own Carla.
479
00:22:09,500 --> 00:22:10,500
That's quite a big trophy, miss.
480
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,100
I hope you have room for it.
481
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,800
I'll make room.
482
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,600
Mr. Mailman!
483
00:22:16,700 --> 00:22:18,200
Oh, look out!
484
00:22:24,900 --> 00:22:27,500
I'm so happy you
won that contest.
485
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,300
You know, it just shows
486
00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:30,900
that the world
hasn't gone crazy.
487
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,800
That, you know,
deep, deep inside,
488
00:22:33,900 --> 00:22:35,600
people are basically good.
489
00:22:35,700 --> 00:22:39,000
That they can see
through the rules
and the regulations,
490
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:41,700
you know, and pick out
the inner diamond.
491
00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:43,500
I won the shiny red car.
492
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:45,800
I know you did, honey!
493
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,600
Woody, where's Norm?
494
00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:50,900
Is he in the bathroom?
495
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,300
No.
496
00:22:52,300 --> 00:22:53,400
Is he putting money
in the meter?
497
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,500
No.
498
00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,900
Don't tell me he is actually...
499
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,400
(bang, hissing sound)
500
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,500
NORM:
Whoa!
501
00:23:03,100 --> 00:23:04,400
(hissing stops)
502
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,200
Relax.
503
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:14,300
It-it-it dries much lighter.
35273
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