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00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:05,000
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
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00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:31,500
(car horn toots)
3
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,700
(theme song begins)
4
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:41,400
� Sometimes you want to go
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00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:45,300
� Where everybody
knows your name �
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00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:51,800
� And they're always
glad you came �
7
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:54,100
� You wanna be
where you can see �
8
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,700
� The troubles
are all the same �
9
00:00:56,700 --> 00:01:01,000
� You wanna be where
everybody knows your name. �
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00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,400
All right, okay,
here's one.
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00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,800
Hayley Mills, playing
herself and her twin sister
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00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:24,700
in The Parent Trap.
13
00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:25,900
All right, all right.
14
00:01:25,900 --> 00:01:27,300
Um, how
about Elizabeth Montgomery
15
00:01:27,300 --> 00:01:29,500
as both Serena and Samantha
in Bewitched?
16
00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:30,600
Ooh! Very nice!
Yeah. Yeah.
17
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,000
All right.
Cliffy?
18
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:35,400
Well, uh, Norm, I'd have to say
the, uh, queen of the genre,
19
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:39,100
Patty Duke, as both Patty and,
uh, the minuet-lovin' Cathy.
20
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:39,900
FRASIER:
Oh!
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00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,300
What's the topic du jour?
22
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,100
Actresses who have played
their own look-alikes
23
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,900
through the use
of trick photography?
24
00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:46,600
No. Fictional twins
we'd like to see
25
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:48,100
making out
with each other.
26
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:50,300
WOODY:
Hey, Sam,
27
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:52,500
the new Boston
Merchants coupon
book is out,
28
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,100
and I got us in it.
29
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:55,800
Oh damn it, Woody!
30
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,500
I hate that thing!
31
00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:00,100
Well, maybe you don't
understand how it works.
Yeah, I do.
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00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,700
Guy comes in,
gives you a coupon.
33
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,800
You give him a free drink,
he leaves,
34
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:05,200
you never see him again.
35
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,000
Well, then
you do understand.
36
00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,800
Woody...
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00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,400
Well, what, Sam?
38
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,300
You think it
was a bad idea?
39
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,400
You think I shouldn't
have done it?
40
00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:18,500
You think I'm a stupid
idiot, right?
41
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:20,700
No, no, that's... Yes!
42
00:02:20,700 --> 00:02:23,000
Well, I...
I'm sorry, Sam.
43
00:02:23,100 --> 00:02:24,300
I just thought it
would attract
44
00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:25,900
new customers
to the bar.
45
00:02:25,900 --> 00:02:28,000
Yeah, a-a bunch of
deadbeats and freeloaders.
46
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:29,500
NORM:
Yeah.
47
00:02:29,500 --> 00:02:32,200
You don't want people
like that in here.
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00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,100
Another beer,
please, Wood.
49
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:37,000
Sam, that was John Allen Hill
on the phone.
50
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:38,900
He's on his way down.
SAM:
No, no.
51
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:41,100
I don't want to talk to him.
I hate that guy.
52
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,600
Sam, be a good businessman.
He's our upstairs neighbor.
53
00:02:42,700 --> 00:02:43,800
We have to
live together.
54
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,400
Just try to be
civil to him.
55
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,900
All right, all right, all right,
I'll be good. I'll be good.
56
00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:49,300
You know, I get the feeling
sometimes
57
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,600
he deliberately says things
just 'cause
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00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:52,300
he knows it's gonna
get under my skin.
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00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:53,600
Sam!
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00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,000
See? God...
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00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,300
Sam, it appears
we have a problem.
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00:02:57,300 --> 00:02:58,600
Do you know what this is?
63
00:02:58,700 --> 00:03:00,200
Yeah. Yeah, it looks
like a manicure.
64
00:03:00,300 --> 00:03:01,400
Nice one, too.
65
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:02,600
Wait. Is that a...
66
00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,900
Is that clear polish,
or are they just buffed?
67
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,100
They're just clean.
68
00:03:07,100 --> 00:03:08,300
Sam, I'm concerned.
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00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:12,200
Are you aware that your bar
is featured in this coupon book?
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00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:14,400
Yeah, I am.
Well, my concern
71
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,700
is how this will
affect Melville's.
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00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:18,200
I'm not anxious
to greet the type of person
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00:03:18,300 --> 00:03:20,900
you're obviously
hoping to attract.
74
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:21,900
What are you saying?
75
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:23,500
You saying that
you're better than me?
76
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,200
That your customers are
classier than mine?
77
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:26,600
Well, they're not.
NORM:
Hey, Sammy?
78
00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:28,700
Will you settle a
bet for us, please?
79
00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:31,200
Which one of our breaths
smells most like tuna?
80
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,600
Loser has to go through
the spanking machine.
81
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,500
What do you want me to
do, walk over and check?
82
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:37,400
I can tell you from here.
83
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,200
Oh, yeah,
right, right.
84
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:42,300
And none of your customers
have fish breath
85
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:44,500
when they come walking
out of your restaurant?
86
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:46,900
It's a seafood
restaurant, Sam.
87
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:49,300
Ah, all right, so
you admit it, right?
88
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:51,400
(grunting)
89
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,600
Well, looks like
the big boy lost.
90
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,100
Hi, guys.
91
00:04:01,100 --> 00:04:03,100
Hey, Carla, I got
a message for you.
92
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,400
Your brother called.
93
00:04:04,500 --> 00:04:06,500
Something about
a family meeting.
94
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,800
Oh, yeah?
95
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,300
There!
96
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,500
Uh, here's
your message.
97
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,000
That was my paycheck.
98
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:20,200
Carla, what's the problem?
Why are you so upset?
99
00:04:20,300 --> 00:04:22,300
Oh, I hate family meetings.
100
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:25,300
They're nothing but a bunch
of complaining and infighting
101
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:27,500
and bickering and backstabbing.
102
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,100
And, of course,
103
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,400
sweet little Carla has
to play the peacemaker.
104
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,000
FRASIER:
Well,
105
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,100
I, for one, think
family meetings
106
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:36,700
can be worthwhile
encounters.
107
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,400
They encourage open
and honest communication
108
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:39,800
among the generations.
109
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,100
Did you have them
in your family
there, Fras?
110
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,300
No, I lucked out.
111
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,700
My family didn't want
to be close.
112
00:04:45,700 --> 00:04:50,000
If you're lying to me, I'm gonna
rip out your slimy, gray tongue.
113
00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,100
Whoa.
114
00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,600
Sounds kind
of serious.
115
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,400
It's my mother.
116
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,100
Well, what's the matter
with her?
117
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:57,900
She had the dream.
118
00:04:57,900 --> 00:04:59,600
What dream's that?
119
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:00,800
The death dream.
120
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,700
Whenever someone in
my family has it,
121
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:05,700
you can just start
divvying up the jewelry.
122
00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,300
REBECCA:
What exactly
123
00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:09,700
is this... death dream?
124
00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:11,400
FRASIER:
Yes,
125
00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:15,900
and, uh, why exactly
do you always do this...
126
00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:21,200
when you say,
"the death dream?"
127
00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,900
You just did it.
128
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,900
Carry on.
129
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:31,500
Well, the dream
is always the same.
130
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:36,500
There's a casket on a slab
in an empty room.
131
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:39,000
You walk slowly toward it.
132
00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:41,900
Suddenly, the
lid flies open.
133
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,300
You see your
own face?
134
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,600
No, you see these feet,
135
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:46,600
'cause you're looking
at the wrong end.
136
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:50,100
Then, you look upward,
137
00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,100
and there's your own face,
138
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:54,700
pale and bluish
with pennies over your eyes.
139
00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:57,200
And that's when you bolt up
in bed screaming.
140
00:05:57,300 --> 00:05:58,600
FRASIER:
Carla,
141
00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,300
death is an earthly
scientific passage
142
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,900
predicted by either massive
physical injury
143
00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:04,900
or progressive
bodily deterioration.
144
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:08,800
There is as little validity
in a supposed death dream
145
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,200
as there
is in the...
146
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:13,600
clich�d image of death itself
as a grim, bloodless ghoul
147
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:15,500
whose bony finger reaches out
148
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:17,100
to tap you on the shoulder
when your number's up.
149
00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,300
Frasier, it's time
to go.
150
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:20,400
(screams)
151
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:26,300
Don't do that, woman!
152
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:28,600
For God's sakes,
153
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:29,800
put on some blush or...
154
00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:36,500
SAM:
Honey,
155
00:06:36,500 --> 00:06:37,300
it's kind of slow.
156
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:38,800
Why-Why don't you
take the day off,
157
00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:39,800
go see your mom, huh?
158
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,800
Might I remind
you, Sam--
159
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,600
my mother and I
don't exactly get along.
160
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,200
You don't get along
with anybody.
161
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:46,700
Yeah, well, this is
different, and shut up!
162
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,300
The last time I saw my mother,
we had this terrible fight
163
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,100
about this stupid
family thing,
164
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:55,200
and I swore I
would never set foot
165
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,800
in her lousy place again
166
00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,000
unless someone dragged me there
kicking and screaming.
167
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,200
So, that's it, huh?
168
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:03,100
You're damned right.
169
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,600
(clicks tongue)
170
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:07,700
Drag me, Sammy.
171
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:09,700
Really?
172
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,500
Do it. Drag me.
173
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,800
No! No! Cut it out!
174
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:15,300
I don't want to go!
175
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:18,300
No! No! I never want to see
that shriveled old bag again!
176
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:23,800
No! Put me down!
177
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,400
I don't
want to go!
178
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,700
Oh, Carla, Carla!
179
00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:30,900
Oh, nobody would
believe you would come!
180
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,500
Oh, your sister
is in there with
your mother now,
181
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,500
and you go
next, yes?
182
00:07:35,500 --> 00:07:38,000
Oh, she will be so
happy to see you.
183
00:07:38,100 --> 00:07:39,400
Carla!
(laughs)
184
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,900
Sam, you remember Zia,
the hugger.
185
00:07:41,900 --> 00:07:42,500
Yeah.
186
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,600
Oh, Sam!
187
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:44,900
Oh!
188
00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:46,500
MAN:
You guys
189
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:47,800
want a beer?
190
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:50,700
This is kind of
a solemn occasion, Sal.
191
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,400
Malt liquor?
192
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,300
I'll pass.
193
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:57,800
So, Zia, how's Mom?
194
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,400
Carla, what kind
of question is that?
195
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,600
She had the dream.
196
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,200
So, she's really sick, huh?
197
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,000
No. She doesn't
have to be sick.
198
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,300
She had the dream.
Oh...
199
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,600
She'll be
dead soon.
200
00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:10,700
Have you had lunch?
201
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,000
Uh, actually, yeah, I did.
202
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,400
Oh, then this
is dinner.
203
00:08:16,400 --> 00:08:18,500
Oh, hey, thanks, Zia.
204
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:21,100
Eat up, Sam.
Our family believes in,
205
00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:22,600
life is for the living.
206
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:23,800
(laughs)
207
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,300
Soon enough,
we'll all be dead,
208
00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:28,600
rotting in the ground,
with a mouth full of worms.
209
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,700
Great linguini.
210
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:34,400
Thank you, Zia.
211
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,600
Oh, Carla,
your sister's finished.
212
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:38,500
Bitch.
213
00:08:38,500 --> 00:08:39,900
Slut.
214
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:42,100
Oh, it's nice
to see them talking.
215
00:08:56,100 --> 00:08:57,500
Mama.
216
00:08:57,500 --> 00:08:59,200
Angeline?
217
00:08:59,300 --> 00:09:01,400
No, Mama.
218
00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:03,000
It's Carla.
219
00:09:03,100 --> 00:09:04,600
Oh.
220
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,200
My purse is
on the dresser.
221
00:09:10,900 --> 00:09:14,000
Mama, I didn't come here
for your money.
222
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:24,600
I came because
I feel bad
223
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:28,000
things got so ugly between us
the last time I was here.
224
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,700
So, you've come to
say you're sorry.
225
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:33,900
Well, I'm sorry we fought.
226
00:09:33,900 --> 00:09:35,800
Then you're sorry.
227
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:37,400
I accept your apology.
228
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:39,300
Good. I accept
your apology, too.
229
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,800
I didn't say
I was sorry.
230
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,400
Well, then,
I'm not sorry, either.
231
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,500
Too late. I already
accepted your apology.
232
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:45,700
Damn!
233
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:49,800
So, here...
234
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,100
now that we've made peace,
235
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,200
I want you to have the ring
236
00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,000
that my mother gave to me,
237
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,400
and her mother
238
00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,300
gave to her.
239
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,100
Oh, Mama. The ring.
240
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:05,600
What's this?
241
00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:07,600
I hocked it.
242
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,700
Come.
243
00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:20,300
Oh, your father's hair.
244
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,100
Sorry, Mom.
245
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:30,200
And now, Carla,
246
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:33,100
there is something
you must do for me.
247
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:36,700
Oh, Mama, I know what
you're gonna ask me.
248
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:38,800
We're just gonna get
into that same fight
249
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,900
we had the last
time I was here.
250
00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:43,800
I... It... It's just
too much to ask.
251
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,200
I can't do it.
252
00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:47,000
It's the family tradition.
253
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,300
No.
254
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,800
I did it.
255
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,200
My mother did it.
256
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:52,500
Her mother did it.
257
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:54,200
Her mother did it
before her.
258
00:10:54,300 --> 00:10:55,400
I said no.
259
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:56,900
I don't care
who did it.
260
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,600
Her mother did it.
261
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:02,600
Mama, I'm sorry.
262
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,600
I'm sorry you had the dream.
263
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,200
I'm sorry you're gonna die.
264
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:09,600
I'm sorry the family tradition
is gonna die with you.
265
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,700
But that is just
the way it is.
266
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:15,600
I can't do this for anybody,
not even for my mama.
267
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,700
Her mother did it.
268
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,100
Oh...
269
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:24,300
What's the matter, honey?
270
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:26,200
Oh, Sammy, Sammy.
271
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:30,800
It's this stupid
family tradition.
272
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:35,000
Since the beginning of time,
every woman in our family...
273
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,500
who has children...
274
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,000
...has named
one of her sons
275
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,000
with the first name
of her father
276
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,600
and the maiden name
of her mother.
277
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,900
And I just wouldn't do it.
278
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:51,900
I don't mean to take
your mother's side here,
279
00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:53,000
but what's
the big deal?
280
00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:54,200
It's just a name.
281
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:56,300
Oh, yeah, sure,
just a name.
282
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,900
Why, uh, what was your
father's first name?
283
00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:01,100
Benito.
284
00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,800
And your mother's
maiden name?
285
00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:04,800
Mussolini.
286
00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:14,600
Yikes.
287
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,000
Could I have some
more sauce, please?
288
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:20,100
(Mama moaning)
289
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,700
ZIA (gasps):
The death walk.
290
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:23,000
She's still here.
291
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:27,700
I feel her presence
like a shiv in my heart.
292
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:30,700
Mama.
293
00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:31,900
I'm not rejecting you.
294
00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:34,900
I just don't want to name
one of my sons Benito Mussolini.
295
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:36,400
Why not?
296
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:38,700
Because, back a few years,
297
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:41,200
there was another
Benito Mussolini.
298
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,300
Remember him?
299
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:44,300
I don't see why one
Fascist dictator
300
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,100
should ruin it for
the entire family.
301
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,600
Mama, you are the only one
who even cares
302
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:52,100
about that stupid name.
303
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,300
Everybody else agrees
with me, right?
304
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:55,800
Oh, you're
an ungrateful child.
305
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,100
You make me sick.
306
00:12:58,500 --> 00:12:59,700
Bitch.
307
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,000
Okay.
308
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,500
Well, just forget all of you.
309
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:09,700
I hate this family.
310
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:11,000
I hate this house.
311
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,200
I just never want
to come back here again.
312
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,100
I swear it.
313
00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:16,900
I swear it a million times.
314
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:20,400
I swear on my children's eyes,
I am never, ever, ever
315
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,800
setting foot in this stupid,
ugly, stinkin' rattrap again.
316
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,800
Well, there goes my ride.
317
00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:48,100
How can her mother expect her
318
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:50,500
to name one of her kids
after Benito Mussolini?
319
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:52,500
Well, it could
have been worse.
320
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:54,300
What if her father's name
had been Adolf?
321
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,500
Yeah.
322
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:56,500
Yeah, and her mother's
maiden name
323
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:58,400
could have been Menjou.
324
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:02,500
Phew.
325
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,600
She really dodged
the bullet there.
326
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,000
Anyway, I gave her the day off
327
00:14:08,100 --> 00:14:10,100
so she could just go home
and cool out, you know.
328
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:11,100
Well, very often
329
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,500
that's the best thing
you can do
330
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,600
when you're not getting along
with a family member.
331
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,100
Remove yourself
entirely from them.
332
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:17,700
Find some neutral place
333
00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:20,300
where you can take the time
you need to be away from them.
334
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,800
You really
think so, Fras?
335
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,500
Well, that's...
336
00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:25,700
that's why we're
all here, isn't it?
337
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,400
Thank you very much.
338
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:30,700
Great.
339
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:32,800
Four more freebies,
340
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,400
thanks to Woody's
stupid coupon book.
341
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,300
I'm sorry, Woody.
342
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:42,200
I didn't see you there.
343
00:14:44,900 --> 00:14:46,600
Of course I'm there.
344
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:48,500
I'm always there.
345
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,500
Wherever there's
a stupid idea,
346
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:52,000
that's where
you'll find me.
347
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,200
Stupid old Woody Boyd--
348
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,800
father of stupid thoughts,
349
00:14:56,900 --> 00:14:59,800
eye of the stupid storm.
350
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,900
I've got to be the stupidest guy
on the face of the Earth.
351
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,200
Woody, please
don't say that.
Why not?
352
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:08,300
Because you are giving
me a stupid headache.
353
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,900
Welcome to my private hell.
354
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,400
Hi, Sam.
355
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:18,300
How are you doing, honey?
Better.
356
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,700
I went home,
357
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,600
went to my bedroom,
shut off all the lights
358
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:23,700
and laid down on my bed.
359
00:15:23,700 --> 00:15:27,500
Then... I started thinking.
360
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,900
What if I was dying
and Serafina refused to do
361
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,700
the one thing
that meant the most to me.
362
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,000
How would I feel?
363
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,300
So you apologized
to your mother?
364
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:38,600
No. I went out and
yelled at Serafina.
365
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,500
I felt a lot better.
366
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,800
So I went and yelled
at all the rest of the kids.
367
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:44,300
Then I started thinking,
368
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,000
why should I be
having all this fun
369
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:47,500
when my mom's dying?
370
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:51,300
So I decided I had to try
to do something for her.
371
00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:54,400
Well, I've got a bunch
of these coupon books left.
372
00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:57,200
They're only good
for a month,
373
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,900
but I guess in her case,
that doesn't matter.
374
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,900
Anyway, all the
kids were there,
375
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,800
so I figured it wouldn't
hurt to ask them
376
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:08,600
if anyone would fulfill their
grandmother's dying wish
377
00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:11,800
and change their name
to Benito Mussolini.
378
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:12,900
Any takers?
379
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:13,900
No.
380
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:16,600
But I got two Madonnas
and an MC Hammer.
381
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:18,100
Well,
382
00:16:18,100 --> 00:16:19,100
that's that.
383
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,000
I tried everything I can.
384
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:24,500
She didn't try
the coupons.
385
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:25,700
Sam?
386
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,300
God, I hate it
when he says that.
387
00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:31,400
What? What? What're you gonna
nitpick this time?
388
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,100
What, am I mixing my drinks
too loud?
389
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,900
Am I using the wrong kind
of lightbulb?
390
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,400
Oh, excuse me, maybe
some of my bar air
391
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:40,200
accidentally wafted up
to your establishment.
392
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,900
Sam, you're on
the defensive.
393
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,800
I'm not on the defensive,
and you say that again,
394
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,200
I'm gonna pull the last
three hairs off your head.
395
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,400
Sam, I merely came down
to apologize
396
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,600
for my intrusive
behavior earlier today.
397
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:55,000
Really?
398
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,400
Yes.
399
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,900
I know I'd be resentful
if someone implied
400
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,000
that I should run my business
in a particular way.
401
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:02,700
It was out of line
for me to do so with you.
402
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:03,900
Oh.
403
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:05,700
Well... thank you.
404
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,400
I'm sorry, I am
a little defensive.
405
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:09,400
Well, no harm done.
406
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,300
In fact, to clear the air,
407
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,800
I'd like to buy a round
of drinks for everyone here.
408
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,400
(cheering)
409
00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:19,200
Here you are, Sam.
410
00:17:19,300 --> 00:17:22,200
I think this should cover it.
411
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:24,800
Oh, and I'd like
one of your special martinis
412
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,200
I've heard so much about.
413
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:30,400
Oh, I'm out of coupons.
414
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,100
Well, then, never mind.
415
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:36,600
Hey, Ma.
416
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:38,700
Gino, what are you doing here?
417
00:17:38,700 --> 00:17:40,100
Well, Ma, I was thinking about
all that stuff you said,
418
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,200
you know about-about
making Grandma happy,
419
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:45,000
and I was talking it over
with MC and the Madonnas,
420
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,300
and I figured, heck,
421
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,400
if it'll keep
this family together,
422
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:50,900
someone's gotta do it.
423
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:55,000
Ma, I'll be Benito Mussolini.
424
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,200
Look, Gino,
425
00:17:57,300 --> 00:18:00,400
do you even have any
idea who Mussolini was?
426
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,300
Well, no, I didn't before,
427
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,100
but then Anthony told me
all about him.
428
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,200
Ma, this guy
ran this whole country.
429
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,500
And do you know
what they called him?
430
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,400
They called him Il Duce.
431
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,700
Huh? The Dooch.
432
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:16,100
Hey, yeah, that's right.
433
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:18,600
It's me-- Dooch Tortelli.
434
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,600
That is a horrible name,
435
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:23,200
and I never want
to hear it again.
436
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,300
It sounds awful.
(phone ringing)
437
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:26,200
I hate that name,
and I hate Mama
438
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:28,000
for asking me
to give it to you.
439
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:29,100
Okay.
440
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,200
Carla, that was your brother.
441
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:31,900
He said to get over there
right away.
442
00:18:31,900 --> 00:18:32,900
Your mother's going fast.
443
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:36,300
No.
444
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:38,500
I swore I'd never go back
in that house again.
445
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:39,900
I have my pride.
446
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:41,800
Okay.
447
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:44,300
Gino, want to grab her feet--
I'll get the rest of her.
448
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,300
Come here, come here,
come on, come on, come on.
449
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,100
No! No! Put me down!
450
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:50,700
Put me down!
I don't want to go!
451
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,500
Would you hoist me
a little higher, guys?
452
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:55,700
I'd like to have some butt left
when I get there.
453
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:07,800
Oh, no.
454
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,400
I'm too late.
455
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:16,800
Oh, Mama.
456
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,700
Oh, Mama, I'm sorry.
457
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:22,600
Please forgive me.
458
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,000
I hope you can hear me.
459
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,200
I hope you can rest now.
460
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:29,800
I swear
461
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,300
on your memory,
462
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,100
that my Gino is now named
463
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:37,300
Benito Mussolini.
464
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,100
Well, it's about time.
465
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:43,300
I was getting bedsores.
466
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:45,500
You're not dead.
467
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:47,000
You're not dead at all.
468
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,300
You were never dying.
469
00:19:49,300 --> 00:19:51,700
You just did
this to trick me.
470
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,600
And you were
all in on it.
471
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:55,400
We listen to our mother.
472
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,100
And we thought
it would be funny.
473
00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:58,600
GINO:
Ma! No, Ma!
474
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,800
You, you never even
had the dream.
475
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,000
You just did this
to trick me
476
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,900
into getting to name
my kid that stupid name.
477
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:11,100
I had to.
478
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,500
You're stubborn as your
grandmother's mule,
479
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:16,600
who, incidentally,
you were named after.
480
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:22,000
I honor tradition.
481
00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:24,100
Yeah, well, I'm gonna
give you something to honor
482
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:25,600
right in the labonz!
483
00:20:25,700 --> 00:20:27,000
Ladies, ladies, please, please.
484
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,100
Please.
Stay out of this,
485
00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,200
if you know what's
good for you, Paddy.
486
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:34,700
Listen,
I may be old,
487
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:37,200
but I can still instruct
others to hurt you.
488
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:38,200
Benito,
kick your mother
489
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,500
in the teeth for me.
Okay, Grandma.
490
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:42,400
Don't you order...
491
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,700
Don't you order my son around.
492
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:47,800
Gino, go punch your
grandma in the kidneys.
493
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,200
Okay, Ma.
494
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,100
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
495
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,700
You, you're big,
496
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:53,000
throw Carla out the window.
497
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,200
No, I'm not gonna throw
her out the window.
498
00:20:56,300 --> 00:20:57,800
All right.
499
00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,000
I'll do it, sick as I am.
500
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:03,500
Please, please, I...
501
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:05,800
Mrs. Lozupone, I don't mean
to be disrespectful here,
502
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,400
but, you know,
you're not being fair.
503
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,700
You're asking
your daughter here
504
00:21:08,700 --> 00:21:11,800
to-to name her son
after a very bad man.
505
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,100
And-and you faked death
506
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:14,400
to get her to do it.
507
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,700
I mean, these are
not your, uh...
508
00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:20,000
typical mother things.
509
00:21:20,100 --> 00:21:23,800
Are you saying I'm a bad mother?
510
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:25,600
Well, yeah, in this
case, yeah, I am.
511
00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:27,000
(all gasping)
512
00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:28,100
CARLA:
Sam.
513
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:29,700
What?
514
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,800
You insulted my mother.
515
00:21:31,900 --> 00:21:33,200
In her own house.
516
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:36,900
With the food that we
cooked over her deathbed
517
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:38,900
still stuck
in your teeth.
518
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,200
Is that bad?
519
00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:42,800
(all hissing)
520
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,800
(hissing continues)
521
00:21:51,700 --> 00:21:52,800
That's great, Carla.
522
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:54,400
I'm glad
you guys made up.
523
00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:58,200
Well, his name
is now Benito Mussolini.
524
00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,800
Call him Gino, for short.
525
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:04,000
Yeah, she sounds
so happy.
526
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,900
She said that's the first time
they've all sat down
527
00:22:05,900 --> 00:22:07,200
to a family dinner in years.
528
00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:09,200
They ate, they laughed,
529
00:22:09,300 --> 00:22:11,000
they even
got up and danced.
530
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,700
Those Italian families
sound so warm.
531
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:15,300
Yeah, I know
what you mean, Woody.
532
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:17,900
Gee, I often wish that I was
a member of an ethnic group.
533
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,400
Oh, it's...
534
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,800
Oh, it's just as well.
535
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,000
I hate hugging.
536
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,400
Frasier, it's time to go.
537
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:33,700
Boy, I-I sure married
the right woman.
538
00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:43,800
Good-bye, Mama.
539
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,400
I love you.
Mmm.
540
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:46,400
See you next week.
541
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:49,600
Oh, wait a minute,
I almost forgot something.
542
00:22:55,100 --> 00:22:56,600
Good night, Sammy.
543
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:58,800
(muffled):
Carla, please let
me out. Please.
544
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,000
Sammy, would you
stop whining?
545
00:23:01,100 --> 00:23:02,600
It's a family tradition.
546
00:23:02,700 --> 00:23:05,000
You cross Mama,
you sleep in the wall.
547
00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:07,400
(muffled shouting)
37408
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