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1
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:13,346
[orchestral warm-up]
2
00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:31,281
Po-ta-toes-zah. Zah.
3
00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:33,783
Potatoes.
4
00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:35,368
Baby.
5
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:37,537
[low voice] Baby.
[high voice] Baby.
6
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:40,415
[normal voice] Can I hear it
without the house for a second?
7
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:44,294
Yep. Yep. [drawn-out] Yep.
8
00:00:44,377 --> 00:00:46,171
[malevolent voice] "All those who try…"
9
00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:48,047
[normal] All right, bring it all in.
10
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:51,843
[mimics announcer] "Ladies and gentlemen,
11
00:00:51,926 --> 00:00:53,970
in the red corner…"
12
00:00:54,053 --> 00:00:56,431
-[accented] "As a South African…"
-Yep. Yep. Yep.
13
00:00:56,514 --> 00:00:58,516
"In the red corner…"
14
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,895
[mimics Trump]
"I've had so many, so many of them…"
15
00:01:01,978 --> 00:01:03,104
[mimics Obama] "Americans."
16
00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:04,773
-Yep. Yep.
-[accented] "As Americans…"
17
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,149
[mimics Obama] "As Americans…"
18
00:01:06,232 --> 00:01:07,817
-"You gotta realize…"
-"Never again."
19
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,194
"…it's not a question."
20
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:10,945
♪ There's a place… ♪
21
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,655
[mimics Trump] "So many…"
22
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,116
-[as Obama] "…but rather of how."
-[as Trump] "I've tried…"
23
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,369
-[as Obama] "Gotta know that yes, we can."
-[as Trump] "I know…"
24
00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:20,121
[rapid vocalizations]
25
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:21,706
Yep. [rhythmic vocalizations]
26
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,542
[normal voice] Where are all the people?
Why are there no people here?
27
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,169
What do you mean, I'm early?
28
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:29,839
[chuckling]
29
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,008
Ahh.
30
00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:34,511
Yeah, that sounds amazing.
31
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:38,348
-[mid-tempo rock intro plays]
-[audience cheering, muted]
32
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:42,101
-[music volume increases]
-[cheering grows louder]
33
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,275
[audience cheering loudly]
34
00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:03,790
-What's going on, Toronto, Canada?
-[cheering grows louder]
35
00:02:05,166 --> 00:02:07,085
How you doing, everybody?
36
00:02:08,586 --> 00:02:11,005
-Welcome to the show!
-[cheering continues]
37
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:15,760
Welcome to the show! Welcome to the show!
Thank you so much for coming out!
38
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,262
We made it!
39
00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:19,139
Oh, we made it.
40
00:02:19,222 --> 00:02:20,348
This is so amazing.
41
00:02:20,431 --> 00:02:22,684
What a long time. It has been too long.
42
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:26,396
-Too long. But we're back.
-[applause]
43
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:29,732
-And it's so good to see you all again.
-[crowd cheering]
44
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:32,777
Oh, man, I've missed this.
I've missed this so much.
45
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:35,196
I've missed going around the world.
46
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,949
I've missed people's languages
and cultures.
47
00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:40,243
We just did Europe as well.
It was so fantastic.
48
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:41,494
One of my dreams came true.
49
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:43,538
I got to go to Switzerland
for the first time.
50
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:44,789
One of my dreams.
51
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:48,042
If you don't know this about me,
I'll tell you why it was such a big dream.
52
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,962
My mother is a Black woman, Xhosa woman,
from South Africa.
53
00:02:51,045 --> 00:02:53,006
I grew up in South Africa, right?
54
00:02:53,089 --> 00:02:54,757
-Molweni, molweni.
-[crowd cheering]
55
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:58,595
My dad is a Swiss man from Switzerland.
White man, right?
56
00:02:58,678 --> 00:03:00,680
And so, I never got to go to Switzerland.
57
00:03:00,763 --> 00:03:02,765
Then, when I got the chance,
I never made the time.
58
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,727
Then I couldn't go. Then finally now,
we went to Switzerland
59
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:06,728
for the first time.
60
00:03:06,811 --> 00:03:09,022
And it was liberating.
61
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:10,440
'Cause here's the thing.
62
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,692
My whole life, my whole life,
63
00:03:12,775 --> 00:03:17,405
I have always felt like
my dad didn't really love me.
64
00:03:18,072 --> 00:03:18,990
Okay?
65
00:03:19,073 --> 00:03:23,244
And then now, when I went
and met him in Switzerland,
66
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:24,787
I was like, "No."
67
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,414
"He's just Swiss."
68
00:03:26,497 --> 00:03:28,416
[laughter]
69
00:03:28,499 --> 00:03:30,084
They're all like that.
70
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:31,878
[scattered cheers]
71
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,589
It was a bit weird, though.
72
00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:36,841
I tried to surprise him, though.
73
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,427
Right? I tried to surprise him
by learning German.
74
00:03:39,510 --> 00:03:41,054
We hadn't seen each other for a while.
75
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:43,848
Because he speaks German,
I thought I'd surprise him on the trip.
76
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,893
You know? I went on Duolingo,
did a bunch of studying.
77
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:50,146
And I got to Germany.
Like, practiced the whole thing.
78
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,023
Got to Switzerland,
was like, "Oh, this is it."
79
00:03:52,106 --> 00:03:53,983
I was ready.
Like, "I'm gonna surprise my dad."
80
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,777
I planned to get to his house,
knock on the door.
81
00:03:55,860 --> 00:03:57,528
He'd open it, surprised, like,
"Oh! Trevor!"
82
00:03:57,612 --> 00:04:00,448
Then I'd be like,
"Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!"
83
00:04:00,531 --> 00:04:03,826
He was gonna be like,
"Huh? Ich liebe dich!"
84
00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:06,829
Be like… [celebratory singing]
85
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:09,290
Was gonna be a whole thing.
I had it all planned out.
86
00:04:10,333 --> 00:04:11,626
Didn't go according to plan.
87
00:04:11,709 --> 00:04:12,794
[laughter]
88
00:04:12,877 --> 00:04:15,713
I got there. He was surprised.
He was happy. But as soon as I spoke,
89
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,548
I was like, "Papa, ich sprechen Deutsch!"
90
00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:19,467
He was like,
"Don't do that. Don't do that, huh?"
91
00:04:19,550 --> 00:04:22,011
-[laughter]
-"No, don't do that. No."
92
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,725
Learning German has been
a weird journey for me.
93
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:32,438
You know? I wanna speak it because most
of my family speaks it on my dad's side.
94
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,107
But I…
95
00:04:34,190 --> 00:04:37,735
I've learned a few things about my German
which haven't been great.
96
00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,153
I was in Germany,
97
00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:42,615
visiting some extended family
in a place called Cologne.
98
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,617
Beautiful city.
If you've never been, you should go.
99
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,077
Stunning. Stunning place.
100
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:49,372
And one of my friends, Rolf,
was with me in the city. Right?
101
00:04:49,872 --> 00:04:51,499
One day Rolf turns to me, like…
102
00:04:51,582 --> 00:04:54,294
[German accent] "Trevor, you know,
today maybe we should have
103
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,796
a traditional German meal, ja?"
104
00:04:56,879 --> 00:04:59,090
"You want to eat something
traditionally German?"
105
00:04:59,173 --> 00:05:01,092
"Ja, we're going to take you, okay?"
106
00:05:01,175 --> 00:05:03,845
I was like, "That sounds amazing, Rolf.
What are we gonna have?"
107
00:05:03,928 --> 00:05:06,306
He's like,
"Ah, okay, have you heard of Subway?"
108
00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,850
[laughter]
109
00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:10,893
"I don't think that's German, Rolf."
110
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:14,105
He's like, "Nein, nein. I'm just saying
to understand the chain."
111
00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:16,774
"Right? Where you're going
to be having the sandwiches
112
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:19,152
und you are having the bread
und choosing the toppings."
113
00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:21,446
Like, "Yeah, I know
how Subway works, man."
114
00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:25,199
He's like, "Okay. Ach so, I want to
take you to a German version, ja?"
115
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:26,576
"Better than that. Better."
116
00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:28,995
"Like, with the best bread und meat.
You have to go."
117
00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:30,496
So he took me, and he wasn't lying.
118
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:32,749
So we go to this sandwich shop.
119
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,667
It's, like, 50 years old.
120
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,669
Everything is in German.
We walk in, I was like,
121
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,129
"Oh, this is it!"
122
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:42,425
"Might not be my dad's house, but this
is where I can practice my German."
123
00:05:42,508 --> 00:05:43,801
[laughter]
124
00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:46,262
Rolf looks at me, like,
"Would you like me to order?"
125
00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:48,639
I was like, "No, Rolf, I'll…
I'll order the food."
126
00:05:48,723 --> 00:05:50,641
He's like, "Okay,
you're going to buy the food?"
127
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,727
Like, "No, you're gonna buy.
I just wanna order it."
128
00:05:52,810 --> 00:05:54,479
[laughter]
129
00:05:54,562 --> 00:05:56,272
"I just wanna practice my German."
130
00:05:56,355 --> 00:05:58,483
He's like, "But they might not
understand you, ja?"
131
00:05:58,566 --> 00:05:59,817
"Because German can be diff--"
132
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,153
I was like,
"Yo, I got this, Rolf. I got this."
133
00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:05,364
So I walk up to the counter.
The woman was really friendly.
134
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,075
Like, "Guten Tag, kann ich dich helfen?"
135
00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:09,994
-I was like, "Guten tag!"
-[laughter]
136
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:13,081
[shouting] "Ich will ein kleinen
Broten haben, bitte schön!"
137
00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:15,750
"Das schwarze Broten mit dem Käse!"
138
00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:18,127
"Und das Schinken, bitte schön!"
139
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,798
"Und gib für mich ein Pepsi Cola! Danke!"
140
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:25,259
[laughter]
141
00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:30,973
And she shat herself.
142
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:33,142
[laughter continues]
143
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:39,023
I'll never forget the look
144
00:06:39,857 --> 00:06:41,442
in that woman's face.
145
00:06:42,610 --> 00:06:44,654
She was petrified.
She stared at me and was like…
146
00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:47,573
[gasps] "Der Schwarze Hitler!"
147
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,575
[laughter]
148
00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:52,703
Which means "the Black Hitler."
149
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,456
[laughter]
150
00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:58,668
Yeah.
151
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,629
The way I inflect on certain words
152
00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:04,882
has a certain, uh,
Führer feeling to it, apparently.
153
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,968
[laughter]
154
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,470
I was devastated.
155
00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:12,974
Rolf thought it was hilarious.
156
00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:16,602
The whole ride home, we're in the car,
he's hitting himself.
157
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:17,812
[mimics laughter]
158
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:20,148
"Oh mein Gott!"
159
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,901
"Der Schwarze Hitler!" [cackling]
160
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:26,612
"Oh, Trevor, can you imagine
if Hitler was Black?"
161
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,865
[continues cackling]
162
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,992
"It totally wouldn't have worked, ja?"
163
00:07:31,075 --> 00:07:34,787
[audience laughing]
164
00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:39,459
Like, "Rolf, it's not that funny."
165
00:07:40,751 --> 00:07:42,753
"I tried to learn German
to connect with my family
166
00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,797
and sound like
one of the worst humans in history."
167
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,841
He's like,
"Yeah, but it was totally funny."
168
00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,593
"You should have seen yourself."
169
00:07:48,676 --> 00:07:50,094
[mock shouting]
170
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,555
"It's like you were about to invade
the meat section."
171
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:54,515
"Oh mein Gott!" "Oh, you should have--"
172
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,392
I was like, "Rolf, it's not cool, man!"
173
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,602
"I'm in pain right now."
174
00:07:57,685 --> 00:07:59,854
He's like, "Calm down, Trevor.
Calm down, ja?"
175
00:07:59,937 --> 00:08:02,899
-"Indulge me mein schadenfreude, okay?"
-[laughter]
176
00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:05,026
He actually taught me a new word that day.
177
00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:06,903
Yeah. Never heard it before.
178
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,030
"Schadenfreude."
179
00:08:09,113 --> 00:08:11,699
German word. Schadenfreude.
180
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:13,201
All right?
181
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:20,124
It means "to take great joy
in the pain and suffering of others."
182
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:22,251
[laughter]
183
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,462
[chuckles] Fun fact…
184
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,964
That word was never translated
into another language.
185
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,799
[laughter]
186
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:29,967
I wonder why.
187
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,761
[laughter continues]
188
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:35,640
Pretty insane word, right? Schadenfreude.
189
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:36,933
Why would you want that?
190
00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:40,186
To indulge in others' pain and suffering.
Why would you…
191
00:08:40,269 --> 00:08:43,523
But then when I thought about it,
I was like, "It sounds terrible, but…
192
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:45,775
we all do it."
193
00:08:45,858 --> 00:08:46,817
[laughter]
194
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,361
Every one of us in this room.
195
00:08:48,444 --> 00:08:51,405
We all experience schadenfreude.
196
00:08:52,031 --> 00:08:52,949
You know?
197
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,284
We all do.
You know when you have schadenfreude?
198
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:58,704
When you're driving on the highway, yeah?
199
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:01,165
And you're cruising along,
everything's going well,
200
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:05,795
and you look over on the other side,
and the traffic is packed up.
201
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:07,046
[laughter]
202
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,423
And you get that little feeling inside.
203
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:12,718
Like… [giggles]
"I made the right choices in life!"
204
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,137
-[maniacal chortle]
-[laughter, applause]
205
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,264
That's schadenfreude.
206
00:09:17,431 --> 00:09:18,641
You know what schadenfreude is?
207
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:21,727
Schadenfreude is what happened
when Black women
208
00:09:21,811 --> 00:09:23,771
saw middle-aged white men crying
209
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:26,399
after Disney said
they were changing The Little Mermaid.
210
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:29,986
[laughter, cheering]
211
00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:32,363
That's schadenfreude.
212
00:09:34,824 --> 00:09:37,743
That was one of the funniest things
I've ever seen in my life.
213
00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:40,371
Grown men, crying.
214
00:09:40,454 --> 00:09:43,708
[whiny masculine voice]
"This is ruining my childhood!"
215
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:45,918
"They changed The Little Mermaid!"
216
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:48,754
"She looks nothing like the original!"
217
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,506
[normal voice] "Nothing"?
218
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:53,259
She looks nothing like the original,
really? Nothing?
219
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,470
There is nothing that reminds you
of the original when you look at her?
220
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:59,557
Nothing at all? You realize the only thing
that changed is the color of her skin?
221
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,225
This part of the color of her skin.
222
00:10:01,309 --> 00:10:03,603
The hair's red, the body is fish.
223
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,646
That doesn't remind you
of The Little Mermaid?
224
00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:09,442
That was the main thing that you
recognized in The Little Mermaid? Really?
225
00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:11,444
[laughter]
226
00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:14,739
You know what schadenfreude is?
227
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,074
Schadenfreude
228
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:18,993
is what
229
00:10:20,119 --> 00:10:21,329
everybody from
230
00:10:21,912 --> 00:10:24,415
Ireland and Kenya
231
00:10:25,207 --> 00:10:26,626
and Trinidad
232
00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:29,045
-and Jamaica…
-[scattered cheering]
233
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:33,090
-…and South Africa… and India…
-[cheers continue]
234
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,009
…all felt
235
00:10:35,801 --> 00:10:39,639
when the news came out and said,
"The Royal Family has bad news."
236
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:42,350
-[audience laughing]
-[Trevor chuckles]
237
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:53,819
Here's the thing people don't understand.
People are like…
238
00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,905
[British accent]
"Are you laughing at this?"
239
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:59,241
"Are you laughing at this?"
[normal voice] "Yes, first of all. But…"
240
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:02,161
-[laughter]
-"…you're misunderstanding it." Right?
241
00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:05,915
The Royal Family always gets sensitive
about people responding to their bad news.
242
00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,417
But they don't understand,
that's not really bad news.
243
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,836
Every time the Royal Family
wants us to feel sorry for them,
244
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,380
is it really bad news? Huh?
245
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:16,092
They be like… [British accent] "Please,
we ask you for your sympathy right now."
246
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:19,095
"We have lost Harry and Meghan."
247
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,013
[normal voice]
"Lost them? They're missing?"
248
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,306
[British accent] "No, no."
249
00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:26,394
"Your favorite British couple has now
become your favorite American couple."
250
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:28,604
-[dramatic sobbing]
-[audience laughing]
251
00:11:28,687 --> 00:11:30,606
[Trevor giggling]
252
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,905
[British accent]
"The Royal Family has bad news."
253
00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,865
[normal] "Is it bad news?"
[British] "Yes, it is."
254
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,992
"The Queen has died."
[normal] "Died of what?"
255
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:45,329
-Finishing life!
-[laughter]
256
00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:48,332
You kidding?
I'm not saying someone shouldn't grieve,
257
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,334
but she finished life.
258
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:53,546
Do you know how many human beings
don't get to do that? She finished it.
259
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:56,340
She died as Queen. Died of what? Old age.
260
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,384
That means you finished the game.
261
00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:00,094
Done. Credits are rolling.
262
00:12:00,177 --> 00:12:02,096
[cheers and applause]
263
00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,265
Buried with the jewels.
264
00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:05,641
Hashtag "winning."
265
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:09,895
You want the colonies to be sad?
Those are their jewels.
266
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,522
[laughter]
267
00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,691
Africans are like,
"Can we have our diamonds back?"
268
00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:16,485
They're like,
"No, the Queen takes them with her."
269
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,487
[laughter]
270
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:19,488
You kidding me?
271
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:23,117
People are like, "This is not the time
to be talking about her."
272
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,494
"You shouldn't be saying bad things
about her. It's not…"
273
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,455
"You shouldn't be speaking ill
of the dead."
274
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,915
-No, that's exactly what you should do.
-[crowd chuckling]
275
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:32,835
Yeah, the perfect time to talk shit
about people is when they're dead.
276
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:34,920
-All right?
-[laughter]
277
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,172
Can we agree on this in society?
278
00:12:36,255 --> 00:12:38,507
Maybe be nicer to each other
when we're alive,
279
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,885
and let's talk shit when people die.
280
00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:44,763
-All right?
-[cheers and applause]
281
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,098
Do that for me, people.
282
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:49,018
When I'm dead,
say whatever you want about me.
283
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:51,228
When you see me in the streets,
just say hi.
284
00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,981
-[laughter]
-You know why? 'Cause I'm gone.
285
00:12:54,857 --> 00:12:56,484
People are like… [angry muttering]
286
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,986
"These people up there
dancing on her grave."
287
00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:02,072
Yeah, that's what graves are for.
That's why they made them flat.
288
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,574
[laughter]
289
00:13:03,657 --> 00:13:05,659
The whole point was
people could dance on them.
290
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,662
Otherwise, they would've made them slanted
so you would slide off.
291
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:11,999
And even in that, the Queen is winning.
292
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:15,878
She's got some of the best dancers
dancing on her grave. Huh?
293
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:17,796
Can you imagine the Africans coming in?
294
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,174
They're just there, huh,
doing their thing?
295
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:22,510
Then the Irish are like,
"We're up next. Hey!"
296
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,720
"Oh, save us some space on the grave."
297
00:13:27,431 --> 00:13:30,226
You've got the Indians coming in.
"Now it's our moment."
298
00:13:31,852 --> 00:13:35,314
Finally, everyone from the Caribbean…
♪ Murder, she wrote ♪
299
00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:39,068
[laughter, applause]
300
00:13:39,860 --> 00:13:40,819
Give it up!
301
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:44,615
[audience laughs, applauding]
302
00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,418
One of my favorite things
303
00:13:57,419 --> 00:13:58,629
I used to love doing
304
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:02,675
was watching horror movies
305
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:07,471
and then judging people
when they made stupid decisions.
306
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,723
[laughter]
307
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:13,435
I love it.
308
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:16,397
I watch horror movies.
309
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,649
I wait for people
to make stupid decisions.
310
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:21,569
And then when they die, I'm like,
"You deserved it."
311
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:24,613
[laughter]
312
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,865
Never makes sense.
313
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:27,700
Never.
314
00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:29,618
You know? Someone being chased.
315
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:33,330
There's, like, a guy in a mask,
and he's got a knife. Right?
316
00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,291
Guy's walking.
317
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:38,127
Person runs to their car.
They always fumble with the keys.
318
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:42,131
[panicked whimpering]
319
00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:44,592
-Dead. What are you doing?
-[laughter]
320
00:14:44,675 --> 00:14:45,676
What are you doing?
321
00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:48,721
If someone's chasing you with a knife
and you get to a car,
322
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,973
don't bother getting in.
It's a waste of time.
323
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:54,101
All you do is just run
to this side of the car.
324
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,729
-And then you wait.
-[laughter]
325
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,064
When they go that way, you go this way.
326
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,442
-[laughter]
-They go that way, you go this way.
327
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,277
Yeah, we can do this shit all day.
328
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:06,864
[vocalizes jaunty tune]
329
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:14,413
People make the dumbest decisions
in horror movies. I don't get it.
330
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,625
My favorite is when people
just have to hide.
331
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:20,210
That's all they have to do.
Just hide and shut up.
332
00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,713
[laughter]
333
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:24,673
For an hour and a half, they can't do it.
334
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:26,592
Like in A Quiet Place.
335
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:28,969
Have you watched that?
One of my favorite movies of all time.
336
00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:32,181
Yeah? The one with the aliens
that don't see anything?
337
00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:35,559
They just use echolocation
to figure out where everyone is.
338
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:40,773
-[throaty clicking vocalizations]
-[laughter]
339
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:47,613
[continues clicking sounds]
340
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:53,077
There's always the people hiding
in the shed. Just there, like…
341
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,537
-[loud, trembling breaths]
-[laughter]
342
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:58,540
[quavering] Shh…
343
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:03,796
-[shuddering sobs]
-[audience laughing]
344
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:06,048
You just have to be quiet.
You can just chill.
345
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:08,342
Just be there, chilling.
346
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:11,011
[chuckles] Could be sitting there
playing Xbox quietly.
347
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,763
-[laughter]
-No… [whimpers]
348
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:14,640
Shh…
349
00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:17,309
There's always that baby.
[mimics baby giggle]
350
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,978
[shuddering] Shh!
351
00:16:21,230 --> 00:16:24,358
And there'll always be the moment
where you can see the monster's given up.
352
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:29,655
You know? The moment
where the monster's like… [clicking]
353
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:34,827
-[rapid clicking]
-[laughter]
354
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,871
And just as it's about to leave,
just as it's about to go,
355
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:40,457
there's always one idiot,
one idiot who jumps up, like,
356
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:43,335
"I can't take it anymore!"
357
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,170
"Come get me!"
358
00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:48,007
[mimics impact grunt]
Dead. You deserved it.
359
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,718
[audience laughing]
360
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,803
'Cause I never got it. Right?
I never understood.
361
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,764
Why? All you have to do is wait.
362
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,101
You just stay inside for long enough,
and the danger will subside.
363
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:02,646
Why can't you do it?
Why is it so hard to just stay inside?
364
00:17:04,773 --> 00:17:06,442
And then the pandemic hit.
365
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:09,194
[audience laughing]
366
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,572
I was like, "Ah, now I get it."
367
00:17:11,655 --> 00:17:14,116
[laughter continues]
368
00:17:14,199 --> 00:17:17,119
Ah, 'cause we all hit our breaking point.
369
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,663
The pandemic made people crazy.
370
00:17:20,247 --> 00:17:22,791
I thought we were all gonna come together.
That's what I believed.
371
00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,501
From all the movies I watched as a kid.
372
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:28,380
I thought if humans were ever threatened
with an existential threat,
373
00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:31,258
we would abandon every single fight
we were having,
374
00:17:32,092 --> 00:17:34,386
and we would come together to win.
375
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:35,888
You know?
376
00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,807
I thought if that virus came,
we'd all be there.
377
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:43,020
We'd be like, "All right, no more racism.
No more sexism. Let's do this together."
378
00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:46,440
And we'd go and defeat the enemy aliens,
and then we'd come back,
379
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,526
be like, "All right, let's get back
to the racism and sexism."
380
00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,153
[laughter]
381
00:17:52,279 --> 00:17:54,782
Like in Independence Day,
that's what happened. Remember?
382
00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:56,325
Yeah. That's what I grew up watching.
383
00:17:56,992 --> 00:18:00,621
Everyone in the world came together
to fight the aliens. We stopped all our…
384
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,791
There was no politics, no nothing.
We unified, and we won.
385
00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:07,753
And then in real life, what do we do?
We fought each other, and we lost.
386
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,464
We were supposed to be a team.
387
00:18:10,547 --> 00:18:12,424
Will Smith was supposed to be our hero.
388
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:15,177
[laughter]
389
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:21,266
None of it went as planned!
390
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:23,894
[applause]
391
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:25,270
[Trevor chortles]
392
00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:29,817
[audience chuckling]
393
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,361
I wonder if that's how the dinosaurs
went out, you know?
394
00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:35,823
Maybe they just couldn't
agree on anything.
395
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:39,159
Maybe some warned the others,
like, "There's an asteroid!"
396
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:40,994
"There's an asteroid
coming down to Earth!"
397
00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:43,956
Other dinosaurs are like,
"Asteroids are not real!"
398
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,082
[laughter]
399
00:18:45,165 --> 00:18:46,542
"It's a hoax!"
400
00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:51,839
That rock smashed into the planet…
[mimics impact explosion]
401
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:53,882
Dust covered the globe.
402
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,426
All the dinosaurs were
running around in panic,
403
00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,679
"Ahh! The dust is everywhere!"
404
00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:02,349
-"Wear a mask! Wear a mask!"
-[laughter]
405
00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:04,810
The T. rex was like, "I can't!"
406
00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:07,437
[laughter continues]
407
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,568
[giggling]
408
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:16,196
You know what's so crazy is…
409
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:21,785
I thought the pandemic was gonna
ravage Africa the worst.
410
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:24,872
Yeah, I won't lie. I was terrified.
411
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,832
I was terrified for the African continent.
412
00:19:27,457 --> 00:19:30,502
My whole life, I'd seen, whenever there
was a virus that broke out in the world,
413
00:19:30,586 --> 00:19:32,462
if it got to Africa, we got it the worst.
414
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:35,591
I remember when it started spreading
around the globe.
415
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:36,925
I was getting ready for it.
416
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,136
My friends from home
were calling me on the phone.
417
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:42,681
They're like, "Trevor, are you seeing
what's happening with coronavirus?"
418
00:19:42,764 --> 00:19:45,017
"Yeah, I'm seeing it."
"What do you think's gonna happen?"
419
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,311
Like, "Aww, man.
You guys are screwed, man."
420
00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:48,270
[laughter]
421
00:19:48,353 --> 00:19:51,273
"You guys?"
Like, "Yeah. I'm in America, baby."
422
00:19:52,274 --> 00:19:54,318
"I made the right choices in life."
423
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:55,986
[laughter]
424
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:57,487
Turns out it was the other way around.
425
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,741
Pound for pound, Africa did better
than any other continent
426
00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:02,367
in handling the disease.
427
00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,245
[cheers and applause]
428
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,249
Shocked everyone.
429
00:20:10,417 --> 00:20:12,211
What was even wilder was this…
430
00:20:13,253 --> 00:20:15,464
When Ebola was happening in Africa,
431
00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:21,345
the news always made it seem like
it was Africans' fault for having Ebola.
432
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:26,141
Every time you'd watch the news,
there was always a subtle level of blame
433
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:28,435
that was happening
in the news reports, right?
434
00:20:28,518 --> 00:20:30,270
Didn't humanize the people.
435
00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,941
It would always be someone random
on, like, Sky or the BBC standing there.
436
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,318
There'd be dead bodies
piled up behind them. Like,
437
00:20:36,401 --> 00:20:40,072
"Sarah, I'm standing in West Africa,
where as you can see behind me
438
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:43,408
the bodies of Ebola victims
are piling up."
439
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,827
"Many European scientists are asking
440
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:49,289
if unfortunately these Africans
have themselves to blame."
441
00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:52,876
"They've been refusing the advice
of the World Health Organization,
442
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,879
not understanding the importance
of distancing from each other
443
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,089
during this time."
444
00:20:57,172 --> 00:21:00,801
"And it appears that they only
have themselves to blame."
445
00:21:00,884 --> 00:21:04,221
"Dillian Pann, BBC.
Back to you in the studio."
446
00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,723
And I would watch this and be like, "No!"
447
00:21:06,807 --> 00:21:09,434
"Africans, why do we do this
to ourselves?"
448
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,603
"Why, Africa?"
449
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:12,980
"Why?"
450
00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:15,065
"Why do we love doing this to ourselves?"
451
00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:17,484
"Why do we like kissing monkeys?"
452
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,278
-Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
-[laughter]
453
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:22,197
Mwah, mwah, mwah. "The lips are so sexy."
454
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,324
[laughter]
455
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:29,371
And then when COVID came,
456
00:21:29,955 --> 00:21:31,790
Africans used everything they had learned
457
00:21:31,873 --> 00:21:35,210
from every virus they had to fight
without the help of the West,
458
00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:38,171
and they dealt with it better
than any other continent.
459
00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:39,464
[applause]
460
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:42,718
Didn't get credit, by the way.
Everyone made it seem like it was luck.
461
00:21:44,928 --> 00:21:47,639
That's where the world is lucky
that Africans aren't spiteful.
462
00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,641
Yeah.
463
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:51,518
Africans aren't spiteful people.
464
00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:54,938
'Cause I would've given anything
to see one African news anchor be like,
465
00:21:55,022 --> 00:21:58,275
"Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to the Africa News Network."
466
00:21:58,358 --> 00:22:02,195
"Tonight, we are covering
the ongoing coronavirus pandemic
467
00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:04,406
that is ravaging the Western world."
468
00:22:05,532 --> 00:22:07,492
"Many African scientists are asking
469
00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:10,370
if these people
do not have themselves to blame."
470
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:12,748
[laughter]
471
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:16,918
"Many of them have refused the advice
of the World Health Organization,
472
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:21,131
completely ignoring
the social distancing methods."
473
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:24,968
"Some have even had to be shown
how to wash their own hands."
474
00:22:25,052 --> 00:22:27,429
-[tsking]
-[audience laughing]
475
00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:28,847
"Savages."
476
00:22:28,930 --> 00:22:33,185
[cheers and applause]
477
00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:38,815
"It appears what has been increasing
the severity of this problem
478
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:43,403
is the fact that some do not even want
to wear masks across their face,
479
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:47,199
saying, quote, 'I cannot breathe
through this piece of cloth.'"
480
00:22:47,282 --> 00:22:49,034
[laughter]
481
00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:53,330
"This is commonly known by scientists
as 'bitch-ass lungs syndrome.'"
482
00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:57,000
-[laughter]
-"Back to you in the studio, Chippewa."
483
00:22:57,084 --> 00:22:59,920
[cheers and applause]
484
00:23:00,003 --> 00:23:01,588
Would've given anything to see that.
485
00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:07,302
One of the biggest side effects of COVID
that I didn't expect
486
00:23:07,385 --> 00:23:09,679
is how stupid it would make human beings.
487
00:23:09,763 --> 00:23:11,598
[laughter]
488
00:23:11,681 --> 00:23:13,642
Yeah. If there's one thing
coronavirus did,
489
00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:16,561
it taught me how many of my friends
are absolute idiots.
490
00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,815
Everyone studied
at the University of Facebook.
491
00:23:19,898 --> 00:23:21,274
[laughter]
492
00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:24,319
Everyone's a scientist. [chuckles]
493
00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:27,489
Everyone had a conspiracy theory.
494
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:30,700
"You know what happened here.
The government did this."
495
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:33,120
"Oh, the government?"
"Yeah. The government did this."
496
00:23:33,203 --> 00:23:35,122
"Why?" "To control us."
497
00:23:36,123 --> 00:23:38,125
"You thought this gave them control?"
498
00:23:38,208 --> 00:23:39,626
[audience snickering]
499
00:23:39,709 --> 00:23:42,379
"You think governments wanted this?"
500
00:23:43,672 --> 00:23:46,383
Which do you think
gives a government more control?
501
00:23:47,384 --> 00:23:50,762
A population
that goes to work, earns money,
502
00:23:50,846 --> 00:23:54,307
buys things they can't afford,
get into debt, have to go back to work,
503
00:23:54,391 --> 00:23:56,476
do more of the thing they don't like
to get more money
504
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,353
to pay the debt for the thing
they didn't need,
505
00:23:58,436 --> 00:23:59,855
for the thing they didn't need or afford.
506
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,190
To get more money to go to the job
for the thing they don't like,
507
00:24:02,274 --> 00:24:03,525
for the thing they didn't need,
508
00:24:03,608 --> 00:24:05,819
to get the loan for the money
for the thing they didn't want,
509
00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:08,029
to get into more debt
to get the thing they don't want,
510
00:24:08,113 --> 00:24:10,115
to go to the job they don't need
for the money…
511
00:24:10,198 --> 00:24:12,450
Which do you think
gives them more control? That?
512
00:24:13,910 --> 00:24:15,662
Or everyone just sitting at home
513
00:24:16,663 --> 00:24:18,874
with free money, thinking about life?
514
00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:21,585
[laughter]
515
00:24:22,294 --> 00:24:24,004
Everyone just sitting at home, like,
516
00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:26,715
"How come a weekend's only two days?"
517
00:24:26,798 --> 00:24:29,718
[laughter]
518
00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:31,636
[Trevor chuckles]
519
00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:35,974
That's a government's worst nightmare.
520
00:24:37,851 --> 00:24:39,477
Conspiracies were stupid.
521
00:24:39,561 --> 00:24:42,272
Here's the thing. I'm not against
conspiracy theories. Right?
522
00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:46,151
Please understand that.
I actually like a good conspiracy theory.
523
00:24:46,234 --> 00:24:48,236
In fact, I think everybody
should hold one.
524
00:24:48,862 --> 00:24:54,784
I think, in your life, you should hold
at least one good conspiracy theory.
525
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:57,621
-Yeah. Keeps you on your toes.
-[crowd chuckling]
526
00:24:57,704 --> 00:24:59,831
Don't just trust everything
everyone tells you.
527
00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:02,125
You gotta have one.
528
00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:03,960
Like, mine? My personal favorite?
529
00:25:05,086 --> 00:25:06,171
I believe
530
00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:09,758
that gluten is concentrated
white privilege.
531
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:12,594
[laughter]
532
00:25:17,098 --> 00:25:18,308
You know I'm right.
533
00:25:18,391 --> 00:25:20,227
[laughter continues]
534
00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:25,273
But COVID, oh, man,
the conspiracies were ridiculous.
535
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,235
Especially because I know
what really happened.
536
00:25:28,318 --> 00:25:30,320
All right? That's what frustrated me.
537
00:25:31,112 --> 00:25:32,197
No, I do.
538
00:25:32,906 --> 00:25:36,493
I knew exactly what caused COVID.
I saw it coming and I didn't say anything.
539
00:25:36,576 --> 00:25:39,329
-My bad, by the way. I, uh…
-[laughter]
540
00:25:39,412 --> 00:25:41,039
Yeah, it was too much wishing.
541
00:25:41,873 --> 00:25:43,375
We wished too much.
542
00:25:43,458 --> 00:25:44,960
I saw it coming.
543
00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:48,713
You know, when I was young,
wishing was something that was special.
544
00:25:48,797 --> 00:25:49,923
Didn't happen that much.
545
00:25:50,006 --> 00:25:52,217
You had to have
a special set of circumstances
546
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:53,760
in order to make a wish.
547
00:25:53,843 --> 00:25:58,265
You'd find a clover
with the right amount of leaves. Yeah?
548
00:25:58,348 --> 00:26:00,058
There'd be a star, shooting.
549
00:26:00,141 --> 00:26:02,060
"Where?" "There!" [gasps] Too late.
550
00:26:02,143 --> 00:26:03,895
[laughter]
551
00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:05,981
Or it had to be your birthday.
552
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:07,524
They'd bring out the candles.
553
00:26:08,066 --> 00:26:09,734
And if you blew them all out,
554
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:11,444
you could make a wish.
555
00:26:11,528 --> 00:26:13,613
And if you missed any, you died.
556
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:16,241
[laughter]
557
00:26:18,493 --> 00:26:21,413
But then people
just started wishing for anything, huh?
558
00:26:21,496 --> 00:26:23,540
Find an eyelash on their cheek…
[dramatic gasp]
559
00:26:23,623 --> 00:26:25,125
"Make a wish!"
560
00:26:25,208 --> 00:26:27,877
Know how many of these shits
are on your face at any given time?
561
00:26:27,961 --> 00:26:29,212
[laughter]
562
00:26:29,296 --> 00:26:31,298
People started wishing on, like, the time.
563
00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:33,967
-Right? Be like, "11:11."
-[laughter]
564
00:26:34,050 --> 00:26:35,385
"Make a wish!"
565
00:26:35,468 --> 00:26:38,305
-That's every day.
-[laughter]
566
00:26:38,388 --> 00:26:41,474
Twice a day on this side of the world,
'cause people don't like big numbers.
567
00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:43,268
[laughter]
568
00:26:43,351 --> 00:26:46,479
You can't wish every day. That's not
a special occasion. But people did it.
569
00:26:46,563 --> 00:26:49,190
People were wishing.
Wishing, wishing, wishing.
570
00:26:49,274 --> 00:26:51,026
Everywhere. Even rappers got involved.
571
00:26:51,109 --> 00:26:55,280
"Oh, I wish a nigga would." Would what?
You can't just leave it open-ended.
572
00:26:55,363 --> 00:26:56,990
[laughter]
573
00:26:58,491 --> 00:27:01,244
And that's how we got COVID.
All our wishes came together.
574
00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:03,204
And they all came true at the same time.
575
00:27:03,288 --> 00:27:04,456
And that's what we got.
576
00:27:05,206 --> 00:27:08,793
Yeah, COVID was like an asshole genie
that gave us everything we asked for.
577
00:27:08,877 --> 00:27:11,921
[laughter]
578
00:27:13,506 --> 00:27:14,341
We all wished.
579
00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:17,052
How many people were rubbing that lamp
580
00:27:17,135 --> 00:27:18,595
at the beginning of 2020?
581
00:27:19,512 --> 00:27:20,680
Just wishing away, like,
582
00:27:20,764 --> 00:27:24,351
"Oh, I wish I didn't have to go
into the office every day."
583
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,436
"Oh!" [mimics whoosh]
584
00:27:26,519 --> 00:27:30,690
-[evil chortling]
-[audience laughing]
585
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,068
[malevolent voice] "Your wish is granted."
586
00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:34,652
[laughter]
587
00:27:36,029 --> 00:27:38,656
Yeah, you wished
not to go into the office.
588
00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:41,951
You forgot to wish that the office
wouldn't come into your house.
589
00:27:42,035 --> 00:27:44,371
[laughter]
590
00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,373
[scattered applause]
591
00:27:46,456 --> 00:27:48,083
Now you are stuck,
592
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:51,336
every day, on Zoom,
593
00:27:51,419 --> 00:27:54,297
can't blink,
gotta make constant eye contact.
594
00:27:54,381 --> 00:27:56,383
-"Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."
-[laughter]
595
00:27:56,466 --> 00:27:58,093
"Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh."
596
00:27:59,427 --> 00:28:01,096
Had to find the one corner of your house
597
00:28:01,179 --> 00:28:03,348
that made it look like
you had your shit together.
598
00:28:03,431 --> 00:28:05,934
[laughter]
599
00:28:08,686 --> 00:28:10,063
Everybody wished.
600
00:28:11,147 --> 00:28:13,358
And, boy, we got what we wished for.
601
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:15,568
How many parents were rubbing that lamp?
602
00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:17,695
Wishing away?
603
00:28:17,779 --> 00:28:22,033
"Oh, I wish I could spend more time
with my kids. Oh!"
604
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:23,660
"Oh!" [mimics whoosh]
605
00:28:23,743 --> 00:28:26,871
-[evil chortling]
-[audience laughing]
606
00:28:26,955 --> 00:28:28,873
[malevolent voice] "Your wish is granted."
607
00:28:28,957 --> 00:28:30,917
[laughter]
608
00:28:32,210 --> 00:28:33,169
Yeah.
609
00:28:34,045 --> 00:28:36,965
A lot of parents realized
the only reason you like your kids
610
00:28:37,966 --> 00:28:39,884
is because you only know them part-time.
611
00:28:39,968 --> 00:28:43,847
[laughter, applause]
612
00:28:43,930 --> 00:28:46,766
[scattered cheers, whistles]
613
00:28:46,850 --> 00:28:49,894
You meet them in the morning,
send them off, tuck them in at night.
614
00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,604
It's a pretty sweet gig.
615
00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:52,981
[laughter]
616
00:28:53,064 --> 00:28:56,818
But the next thing you know,
everyone was trapped indoors, 24/7.
617
00:28:56,901 --> 00:28:59,362
Ooh, it was so fun
to watch the parents flip.
618
00:28:59,446 --> 00:29:01,906
It was so fun. Remember at the beginning,
all the parents were there,
619
00:29:01,990 --> 00:29:04,909
like, "You will not open the schools!"
620
00:29:04,993 --> 00:29:07,704
"My children are not going anywhere!"
621
00:29:07,787 --> 00:29:09,914
"I will protect them at all costs."
622
00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:14,043
"I'm a mama bear and I'll protect
my cubs, you hear me?"
623
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:18,423
"You will not open the schools
until the virus is gone!"
624
00:29:18,506 --> 00:29:20,675
[laughter]
625
00:29:20,759 --> 00:29:23,386
-Nine months later…
-[laughter continues]
626
00:29:27,140 --> 00:29:29,392
Those same parents were there,
screaming on the stoop.
627
00:29:29,476 --> 00:29:33,062
-"When are the goddamn schools opening?"
-[laughter]
628
00:29:33,146 --> 00:29:36,816
"You can't expect me to spend all day
with these kids! Who am I, their mom?!"
629
00:29:36,900 --> 00:29:38,067
[laughter]
630
00:29:38,151 --> 00:29:39,986
"They should be in school!"
631
00:29:40,069 --> 00:29:42,697
Kids are like, "But, Mommy,
there's a new variant out there."
632
00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:46,701
"Listen, Timmy, at some point you're gonna
have to see what you're made of, okay?"
633
00:29:46,785 --> 00:29:47,786
[laughter]
634
00:29:47,869 --> 00:29:51,247
"Either your lungs are gonna make it
or they ain't. All right, buddy?"
635
00:29:51,331 --> 00:29:53,833
"Now get on out there
and see what you're made of."
636
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:56,127
"If Simba could do it, so can you.
Hakuna matata."
637
00:29:56,211 --> 00:29:57,670
"Go on, buddy. Go on."
638
00:29:57,754 --> 00:30:01,466
-[laughter, applause]
-[Trevor laughing]
639
00:30:05,386 --> 00:30:06,721
We all wished!
640
00:30:12,685 --> 00:30:15,021
How many couples out there were wishing?
641
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:17,065
[laughter]
642
00:30:18,399 --> 00:30:19,901
Rubbing away at that lamp.
643
00:30:20,944 --> 00:30:23,071
Looking into each other's eyes.
644
00:30:23,738 --> 00:30:25,114
Like, "Damn, girl."
645
00:30:26,366 --> 00:30:29,911
"I wish I could be locked
in a room with you all day."
646
00:30:29,994 --> 00:30:32,497
-[laughter]
-"Mmm, mmm, mmm!"
647
00:30:33,456 --> 00:30:36,918
"Mmm, girl, I wish they would lock us up
and throw away the key."
648
00:30:37,001 --> 00:30:38,670
"The things I would do to you."
649
00:30:38,753 --> 00:30:41,172
"Oh, yeah? What would you do to me?"
650
00:30:41,256 --> 00:30:45,593
"Girl, I wish they would tell us
we could only see each other all day."
651
00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:46,678
"All day."
652
00:30:46,761 --> 00:30:50,181
-[mimics whoosh, chortles evilly]
-[laughter]
653
00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:52,684
[malevolent voice] "Your wish is granted."
654
00:30:55,687 --> 00:30:57,313
Lot of couples
655
00:30:57,397 --> 00:31:00,441
learned a lot during the pandemic.
656
00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:03,111
Lot of couples learned a lot
during the pandemic.
657
00:31:03,945 --> 00:31:05,572
Lot of people realized
658
00:31:06,155 --> 00:31:08,616
that love may be unconditional,
659
00:31:08,700 --> 00:31:11,369
but "like" has a time-limit.
660
00:31:11,452 --> 00:31:13,663
[laughter]
661
00:31:16,499 --> 00:31:19,168
"'Cause I love you, baby.
I just don't know if I like you anymore."
662
00:31:19,252 --> 00:31:21,921
[laughter continues]
663
00:31:25,508 --> 00:31:28,720
It all started as so much fun, remember?
In the beginning, it was like a sleepover.
664
00:31:28,803 --> 00:31:31,472
"Oh my God, this is so much fun!"
665
00:31:33,850 --> 00:31:36,019
And then the weeks turned into months.
666
00:31:36,811 --> 00:31:38,688
The months turned into years.
667
00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:42,150
And at some point,
you'd be sitting in the house
668
00:31:43,443 --> 00:31:45,320
with a glaze over your eyes,
669
00:31:46,988 --> 00:31:48,156
and you'd hear them
670
00:31:48,990 --> 00:31:50,408
coughing on the other side.
671
00:31:51,326 --> 00:31:53,745
[mimics weak coughing]
672
00:31:54,787 --> 00:31:58,583
-And you'd be like, "Yes."
-[laughter]
673
00:31:59,751 --> 00:32:02,045
"Oh, yes, Jesus."
674
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:05,048
"Take them now, Lord."
675
00:32:06,591 --> 00:32:09,177
"If it's their time, it's their time."
676
00:32:10,261 --> 00:32:12,931
"Let thy will be done, Lord Jesus."
677
00:32:14,015 --> 00:32:18,227
-"I could use the extra office space."
-[laughter]
678
00:32:25,485 --> 00:32:26,778
You know,
679
00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:32,075
one of the things that saddens me the most
about the world we live in is that
680
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:37,622
we oftentimes don't have the luxury
to process the whys.
681
00:32:40,208 --> 00:32:41,584
We know that things happen.
682
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:45,088
We feel the things happening to us.
683
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:46,798
But oftentimes,
684
00:32:46,881 --> 00:32:49,842
we don't make the time
or don't have the time to process
685
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:51,636
the why.
686
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:57,141
Why were we so angry?
687
00:32:58,685 --> 00:33:00,937
Why did we fight each other so much?
688
00:33:01,813 --> 00:33:03,606
We had no compassion for each other.
689
00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:06,025
We were the worst of ourselves.
690
00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:09,654
And you know, if you ask me, it's because…
691
00:33:11,823 --> 00:33:12,991
we were scared.
692
00:33:13,908 --> 00:33:16,953
As humans, we've become so comfortable
693
00:33:17,036 --> 00:33:18,079
knowing,
694
00:33:19,122 --> 00:33:21,165
that we forget how uncertain life is.
695
00:33:23,501 --> 00:33:26,546
We get taught every single day
that "we know, we know, we know."
696
00:33:26,629 --> 00:33:29,424
We get comfortable knowing,
so you think you'll always know.
697
00:33:29,507 --> 00:33:31,801
"What's the traffic gonna be like?"
You know.
698
00:33:32,593 --> 00:33:36,014
"What's the weather gonna be like?"
You know. "Oh, it'll rain on Thursday."
699
00:33:36,097 --> 00:33:38,391
Understand what a magic trick that is?
700
00:33:39,017 --> 00:33:41,144
If you had that technology 500 years ago,
701
00:33:41,227 --> 00:33:43,271
you're like, "It'll rain Thursday,"
people will be like…
702
00:33:43,354 --> 00:33:47,567
-[mimics tribal chanting]
-[audience laughing]
703
00:33:51,279 --> 00:33:53,990
We take that for granted,
but it's also made us forget that
704
00:33:54,073 --> 00:33:55,324
life is uncertain.
705
00:33:55,408 --> 00:33:57,577
We don't know. The pandemic showed it.
706
00:33:57,660 --> 00:33:58,953
It exposed every one of us.
707
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:02,206
And I think the thing we need to take
a moment to think about is the why.
708
00:34:02,290 --> 00:34:04,375
Why were we so angry?
Why were we so frustrated?
709
00:34:04,459 --> 00:34:05,877
It wasn't because of movies,
710
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:07,962
it wasn't because we couldn't
go out to parties,
711
00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:10,423
it wasn't because we couldn't
go to the mall, any of that shit.
712
00:34:10,506 --> 00:34:12,925
It's because we lost each other.
713
00:34:13,509 --> 00:34:16,137
-I lost you. You lost me.
-[cheers and applause]
714
00:34:16,971 --> 00:34:17,972
We lost this.
715
00:34:19,724 --> 00:34:20,850
You know?
716
00:34:20,933 --> 00:34:23,227
That's the real thing
people were frustrated about.
717
00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:28,107
And what made it worse was governments
made it seem like they knew.
718
00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:30,109
I think that's the thing
that made it worse.
719
00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:31,903
They were so confident,
720
00:34:31,986 --> 00:34:34,530
they made it seem like they knew.
721
00:34:34,614 --> 00:34:36,407
They said it would be 21 days.
722
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:39,994
[laughter]
723
00:34:40,078 --> 00:34:42,872
Twenty-one days.
I will never forget that number.
724
00:34:44,373 --> 00:34:45,625
'Cause we didn't ask why.
725
00:34:46,709 --> 00:34:47,585
Right?
726
00:34:47,668 --> 00:34:51,297
We heard of China building
a 10,000-person hospital overnight.
727
00:34:51,380 --> 00:34:53,841
None of us asked, "Why?"
728
00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:56,511
-[laughter]
-We were just like, "Ah, China."
729
00:34:57,720 --> 00:34:59,222
"They love building shit."
730
00:34:59,305 --> 00:35:01,808
[laughter continues]
731
00:35:03,434 --> 00:35:05,645
I remember how confident world leaders
were as well.
732
00:35:06,187 --> 00:35:07,897
Some more cocky than others.
733
00:35:08,689 --> 00:35:10,066
One of my favorites was
734
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:12,860
Prime Minister of the UK, Boris Johnson.
735
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:14,654
Yeah.
736
00:35:14,737 --> 00:35:16,489
He was an interesting one.
737
00:35:16,572 --> 00:35:17,532
[laughter]
738
00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:18,950
He went to a hospital
739
00:35:19,659 --> 00:35:20,952
during the pandemic,
740
00:35:21,536 --> 00:35:23,162
and he was hugging people.
741
00:35:23,246 --> 00:35:25,331
Like, right at the beginning,
he was hugging people.
742
00:35:25,414 --> 00:35:27,291
Journalists asked him,
"Prime Minister Johnson,
743
00:35:27,375 --> 00:35:29,836
do you think it's appropriate
to be hugging people during…"
744
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:33,548
He's like, "First of all, everyone needs
to calm down. This is not a pandemic."
745
00:35:33,631 --> 00:35:36,300
"Look at my hair. Do I look stressed?
Everybody needs to calm down."
746
00:35:36,384 --> 00:35:38,511
"Nothing… Everything is fine.
I can touch people."
747
00:35:38,594 --> 00:35:40,388
"We're not shutting down.
Everything stays open."
748
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:42,473
"The pubs will stay open,
the football stays open."
749
00:35:42,557 --> 00:35:45,810
"Excuse me, I have to go…"
[dramatic vocalizations]
750
00:35:45,893 --> 00:35:48,354
He was just gone. He didn't give a shit.
You know?
751
00:35:48,437 --> 00:35:51,232
America's president,
oh, he was even cockier.
752
00:35:51,315 --> 00:35:54,569
Yeah. You see him when he came out?
Donald J. Trump?
753
00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:56,195
Oh, he had all the swag.
754
00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:59,782
He was like,
"Folks, we're gonna have it handled."
755
00:36:01,117 --> 00:36:05,955
-"In 21 days, 21 days."
-[laughter]
756
00:36:06,038 --> 00:36:09,333
"The virus will be gone, 21 days."
757
00:36:10,376 --> 00:36:12,545
"Some are even saying 20."
758
00:36:12,628 --> 00:36:15,923
[laughter, applause]
759
00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:20,595
That disease came and kicked
Trump and Boris deep in the chest.
760
00:36:20,678 --> 00:36:24,640
Both men went to the ICU, almost died.
Only reason they survived
761
00:36:24,724 --> 00:36:27,685
is because they're both heads of state.
They gave them that secret juice.
762
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,315
Boris, to his credit, he came out
of that hospital like he had seen Jesus.
763
00:36:32,398 --> 00:36:33,608
[laughter]
764
00:36:33,691 --> 00:36:36,360
He came from the hospital,
held a press conference,
765
00:36:36,444 --> 00:36:37,945
shut everything down.
766
00:36:38,029 --> 00:36:40,907
He came there, barely dressed,
like, "Everybody, this is not a joke."
767
00:36:40,990 --> 00:36:43,034
"I've seen it for myself.
The UK's shutting down."
768
00:36:43,117 --> 00:36:45,077
"Please, football's gone.
The pubs are gone."
769
00:36:45,161 --> 00:36:47,205
"Do not take this lightly.
I've experienced it myself."
770
00:36:47,288 --> 00:36:49,582
"I promise, this is not fun.
I can't talk, I have to go."
771
00:36:49,665 --> 00:36:52,835
"Please, I can't talk. I have to…"
And he was just gone.
772
00:36:52,919 --> 00:36:54,337
Gone! That man was terrified.
773
00:36:54,420 --> 00:36:56,422
I was half-expecting coronavirus
to come around the corner.
774
00:36:56,505 --> 00:37:02,303
-Like… [clicking]
-[audience laughing, applauding]
775
00:37:03,221 --> 00:37:05,681
[cheering]
776
00:37:08,309 --> 00:37:10,478
Trump, on the other hand,
didn't give a damn.
777
00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:14,190
That man will die from being stubborn.
778
00:37:14,982 --> 00:37:16,609
He came out of the hospital,
779
00:37:16,692 --> 00:37:19,654
could barely breathe,
but still held a press conference.
780
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:22,990
Didn't even speak. Was just like…
[dramatic wheezing]
781
00:37:23,074 --> 00:37:26,827
-[audience laughing]
-[continues wheezing]
782
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:30,998
[laughter continues]
783
00:37:34,585 --> 00:37:36,254
[mimics Trump] "If I can do it…"
784
00:37:36,337 --> 00:37:39,423
[wheezes] "…so can you."
785
00:37:39,507 --> 00:37:43,302
-[audience laughing, cheering]
-[laughing]
786
00:37:44,053 --> 00:37:46,013
Ah, man.
787
00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:48,891
[cheers and applause]
788
00:37:53,104 --> 00:37:56,065
I honestly don't get how anybody
voted for that man.
789
00:37:56,148 --> 00:37:58,276
[laughter]
790
00:37:58,359 --> 00:37:59,318
I really don't get it.
791
00:37:59,402 --> 00:38:02,280
[crowd cheering]
792
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:05,533
And by the way,
793
00:38:05,616 --> 00:38:07,159
I don't mean politically.
794
00:38:07,243 --> 00:38:08,411
All right? I understand.
795
00:38:08,494 --> 00:38:11,205
People will vote for the politics
they wanna vote for. I get that.
796
00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:14,292
What I don't understand
is why people voted for him.
797
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:17,295
What was even crazier
was that some people voted for him
798
00:38:17,378 --> 00:38:19,714
and then were disappointed by who he was.
799
00:38:19,797 --> 00:38:21,465
[laughter]
800
00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:23,384
That was the craziest thing
I've ever seen.
801
00:38:23,467 --> 00:38:25,678
People were like,
"I can't believe what he's doing."
802
00:38:25,761 --> 00:38:27,179
"I can't believe what he's doing."
803
00:38:27,263 --> 00:38:29,390
"I'm sorry, you can't believe
what's happening?"
804
00:38:29,473 --> 00:38:30,850
"Donald Trump. Can you believe this?"
805
00:38:30,933 --> 00:38:33,936
"Can I believe he's doing the same thing
he's been doing his whole life?"
806
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:35,771
"Yeah, I can't believe this.
This is shock--"
807
00:38:35,855 --> 00:38:37,189
"You're shocked?"
808
00:38:37,273 --> 00:38:40,735
Donald Trump is the least shocking human
being I've ever come across in my life.
809
00:38:41,402 --> 00:38:43,779
He is consistently being himself.
810
00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:46,949
The man is a clichéd villain.
811
00:38:47,033 --> 00:38:49,327
Looks like a villain,
talks like a villain.
812
00:38:49,869 --> 00:38:52,163
He looks like he should be
in a Scooby-Doo episode.
813
00:38:52,246 --> 00:38:55,458
[laughter, applause]
814
00:38:55,541 --> 00:38:57,293
With that face, with that vibe?
815
00:38:57,376 --> 00:38:59,754
You could see him in the lineup
when they're trying to solve the crime.
816
00:38:59,837 --> 00:39:02,006
"Who do you think it is, Scoob?" Be like,
817
00:39:02,089 --> 00:39:03,966
"Oh, it wasn't me,
I'll tell you that much."
818
00:39:04,050 --> 00:39:06,135
"I didn't do anything. I'm innocent."
819
00:39:06,218 --> 00:39:10,222
-[as Trump] "I'm innocent. So innocent."
-[laughter]
820
00:39:10,306 --> 00:39:13,684
"Some say, the most innocent man
who's ever lived."
821
00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:16,395
Be like, "Yeah, I think it's that guy."
822
00:39:16,479 --> 00:39:17,980
[laughter]
823
00:39:23,402 --> 00:39:24,653
I just don't get it.
824
00:39:25,571 --> 00:39:27,490
Why would you vote…? I mean, actually…
825
00:39:27,573 --> 00:39:29,742
I get it, but I don't understand.
826
00:39:30,659 --> 00:39:33,329
'Cause what I get and I've realized is,
827
00:39:33,412 --> 00:39:34,955
in the United States of America,
828
00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:38,459
if you want to win an election,
all you need to have is a strange voice.
829
00:39:38,542 --> 00:39:39,835
[crowd chuckling]
830
00:39:39,919 --> 00:39:43,089
Simple as that.
Wanna be president of the United States?
831
00:39:43,172 --> 00:39:44,590
Get a strange voice, you're done.
832
00:39:45,466 --> 00:39:48,219
Yeah, forget policies, forget ideas.
That's boring.
833
00:39:48,302 --> 00:39:49,845
You come out there, "Here are my--"
834
00:39:49,929 --> 00:39:51,389
"Boo!"
835
00:39:51,472 --> 00:39:53,224
"Normal-sounding-ass bitch."
836
00:39:53,307 --> 00:39:55,059
[laughter]
837
00:39:55,142 --> 00:39:56,060
No.
838
00:39:56,769 --> 00:39:59,522
You come out there with a strange voice,
the people love it.
839
00:40:00,439 --> 00:40:02,566
You realize there's been
no American president
840
00:40:02,650 --> 00:40:04,610
who has a normal speaking voice. None.
841
00:40:05,194 --> 00:40:08,280
You can go back as far as you want.
None of them spoke normal. None.
842
00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:11,450
Go back as far as… Like, JFK.
843
00:40:11,534 --> 00:40:12,785
JFK. He didn't speak normal.
844
00:40:12,868 --> 00:40:17,039
He had that thing. [mimics trebly voice]
"Ask not what your country can do for you,
845
00:40:17,915 --> 00:40:21,335
but ask what you can do for your…"
That's not normal.
846
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:22,586
[laughter]
847
00:40:22,670 --> 00:40:24,964
Don't care what anybody says.
That's not normal.
848
00:40:25,464 --> 00:40:27,466
You're telling me that man
was standing in a McDonald's,
849
00:40:27,550 --> 00:40:29,093
ordering food with that voice?
850
00:40:29,718 --> 00:40:33,305
Like, "Could I please get a number one,
medium, with fries."
851
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,684
"And I'll also have a McFlurry, please."
852
00:40:37,518 --> 00:40:39,854
"What do you mean
the ice cream machine is broken?"
853
00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:41,814
[laughter]
854
00:40:41,897 --> 00:40:43,566
That's not normal.
855
00:40:45,818 --> 00:40:48,404
No American presidents speak normal. None.
856
00:40:48,487 --> 00:40:50,739
Bill Clinton. He didn't speak normal.
857
00:40:50,823 --> 00:40:54,160
He always did that thing where it sounded
like he was trying to seduce the audience.
858
00:40:54,243 --> 00:40:55,369
You know? Like…
859
00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:57,913
[gravelly, seductive voice]
"I did not have sexual relations…"
860
00:40:57,997 --> 00:40:59,999
[laughter]
861
00:41:00,082 --> 00:41:01,208
"…with that woman."
862
00:41:01,292 --> 00:41:02,835
[sleazy chuckle]
863
00:41:03,919 --> 00:41:05,254
What are you doing?
864
00:41:05,337 --> 00:41:06,714
[laughter]
865
00:41:07,923 --> 00:41:10,301
No American president spoke normal.
None of them.
866
00:41:10,384 --> 00:41:12,261
George Bush, he didn't speak normal.
867
00:41:12,344 --> 00:41:14,054
Always did that weird chuckly thing.
868
00:41:14,138 --> 00:41:16,390
[Southern accent]
"Gonna find the people that did this,
869
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:18,976
and then bomb
a totally different country."
870
00:41:19,059 --> 00:41:21,020
-[snarky chuckle]
-[laughter]
871
00:41:21,103 --> 00:41:23,731
"Fool me once…" [snarky chuckle]
872
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:25,274
That's not normal.
873
00:41:25,858 --> 00:41:28,444
No American president spoke normal. None.
874
00:41:28,527 --> 00:41:30,654
Barack Obama, he didn't speak normal.
875
00:41:30,738 --> 00:41:33,199
Always did that thing where it sounded
like his voice was buffering.
876
00:41:33,282 --> 00:41:36,160
-"Uh…"
-[laughter]
877
00:41:36,243 --> 00:41:38,037
"Uh… as Americans,
878
00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:42,208
uh, we gotta try to get, uh…
faster internet."
879
00:41:42,291 --> 00:41:44,919
[laughter, cheers]
880
00:41:45,002 --> 00:41:46,128
That's not normal.
881
00:41:48,130 --> 00:41:50,257
Joe Biden, he doesn't speak normal.
882
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:51,550
You kidding me?
883
00:41:51,634 --> 00:41:54,428
He just fades into mumbles
every time he gives a speech.
884
00:41:54,512 --> 00:41:57,056
-[laughter]
-Not normal. He'll be up there, like,
885
00:41:57,139 --> 00:42:00,893
"That's why the most important thing
to understand…" [mumbling]
886
00:42:00,976 --> 00:42:04,313
"…the dreams of the finest negroes.
Come on, man."
887
00:42:04,396 --> 00:42:07,942
-[laughter]
-"Come on. Please."
888
00:42:08,692 --> 00:42:09,860
"I mean it."
889
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:12,029
"Come on."
890
00:42:12,863 --> 00:42:14,114
That's not normal.
891
00:42:16,825 --> 00:42:19,662
-Trump, that was the weirdest of all.
-[laughter]
892
00:42:20,246 --> 00:42:22,498
Every other American president
was predictable.
893
00:42:22,581 --> 00:42:24,166
You understood the ebb and flow.
894
00:42:24,250 --> 00:42:26,043
Trump, you never knew what to expect.
895
00:42:26,794 --> 00:42:28,879
All right? The volume on his voice,
all over the place.
896
00:42:28,963 --> 00:42:30,673
Inflection where it didn't make sense.
897
00:42:30,756 --> 00:42:33,175
Do you know how hard it was
to figure out where to put the volume
898
00:42:33,259 --> 00:42:35,594
-on your TV when watching his speech?
-[laughter]
899
00:42:37,304 --> 00:42:40,724
I had to sit there and ride it
like a shitty DJ the whole time.
900
00:42:40,808 --> 00:42:43,102
As he would speak. Because you wouldn't
know when it'd happen.
901
00:42:43,185 --> 00:42:45,604
He'd be up there, "I think, as Americans,
902
00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:49,817
-we try and try, so try, big trying."
-[laughter]
903
00:42:49,900 --> 00:42:51,193
"All trying."
904
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:53,195
"I know this. I do."
905
00:42:54,363 --> 00:42:56,907
"But I know and I think
906
00:42:57,575 --> 00:42:59,535
if we can, we can,
907
00:42:59,618 --> 00:43:02,955
but we won't, but we will,
but maybe. But…"
908
00:43:03,038 --> 00:43:04,748
-[laughter]
-What?
909
00:43:05,457 --> 00:43:07,751
[cheers and applause]
910
00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:09,086
It's not normal.
911
00:43:15,634 --> 00:43:18,846
That's why I laugh whenever I come
to Canada and watch your news.
912
00:43:18,929 --> 00:43:20,848
[laughter]
913
00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:23,642
Every time I come to Canada,
I turn on the news, and they'll be like,
914
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:26,895
"There's a Canadian scandal happening."
915
00:43:26,979 --> 00:43:28,981
"Justin Trudeau in another scandal."
916
00:43:29,064 --> 00:43:32,568
He has the most adorable scandals.
You kidding me?
917
00:43:33,152 --> 00:43:36,488
Compared to American presidents?
What? They're like, "He's scandalous."
918
00:43:36,572 --> 00:43:39,783
"Has he been convicted of anything?
Then shut the hell up."
919
00:43:39,867 --> 00:43:41,910
-[laughter]
-Be like, "He's scandalous."
920
00:43:41,994 --> 00:43:45,748
He's got the terrible…
"He slept at a rich man's house."
921
00:43:45,831 --> 00:43:47,374
[chortling]
922
00:43:47,458 --> 00:43:49,043
Ah, that's adorable.
923
00:43:49,126 --> 00:43:50,502
[laughter]
924
00:43:50,586 --> 00:43:53,464
My favorite scandal of Justin Trudeau's,
by far,
925
00:43:53,547 --> 00:43:58,344
is the one where
he went on a trip to India.
926
00:43:58,427 --> 00:44:01,013
[laughter]
927
00:44:01,096 --> 00:44:03,766
And then became Indian.
928
00:44:03,849 --> 00:44:07,603
[laughter, applause]
929
00:44:09,605 --> 00:44:13,859
That has to be one of the greatest
scandals of all time.
930
00:44:17,237 --> 00:44:18,572
I remember when it broke.
931
00:44:19,448 --> 00:44:22,451
He took off. He was wearing a suit.
He left Canada.
932
00:44:22,534 --> 00:44:26,121
Waving on the plane.
"Goodbye. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye."
933
00:44:26,205 --> 00:44:28,332
Got on, flew to India, landed.
934
00:44:28,415 --> 00:44:32,252
Doors opened, and he came out,
and he was already half-Indian.
935
00:44:32,336 --> 00:44:34,129
[laughter]
936
00:44:34,213 --> 00:44:35,506
Had the jacket on.
937
00:44:35,589 --> 00:44:37,299
But what was crazy
938
00:44:37,383 --> 00:44:41,220
was that as the trip progressed,
he became more and more Indian
939
00:44:42,054 --> 00:44:43,263
each day.
940
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:46,767
Clearly, no one's telling him
what's happening on the news in Canada,
941
00:44:46,850 --> 00:44:48,143
because Canadians were losing it.
942
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:50,729
Like, "This is disrespectful!
How can you do this, eh?"
943
00:44:50,813 --> 00:44:53,482
And he was out there
becoming more and more Indian.
944
00:44:53,565 --> 00:44:56,026
It started with the top,
and then he went down to the pants.
945
00:44:56,110 --> 00:44:58,320
He had the full outfit.
Then he had the headdress.
946
00:44:59,071 --> 00:45:01,824
My favorite was when he walked
into a meeting with Indian dignitaries
947
00:45:01,907 --> 00:45:03,200
and they were all wearing suits.
948
00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:05,953
[laughter]
949
00:45:06,036 --> 00:45:08,831
[applause]
950
00:45:10,082 --> 00:45:11,375
This man walked into that meeting
951
00:45:11,458 --> 00:45:13,168
looking like he was about to audition
for Baat Ban.
952
00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:16,338
-You were like, "What the hell is this?"
-[laughter]
953
00:45:17,423 --> 00:45:19,842
He was getting so Indian
that I was hoping a moment would come
954
00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:22,136
where he'd be in the middle of a speech,
955
00:45:22,219 --> 00:45:24,596
and I was just hoping
suddenly he'd be like…
956
00:45:25,931 --> 00:45:28,016
"Can I just say how proud I am
957
00:45:29,309 --> 00:45:31,437
of the work we've done together?"
958
00:45:32,688 --> 00:45:34,982
"As Canadians and as Indians…"
959
00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:38,485
[singing] ♪ …we… ♪
960
00:45:38,569 --> 00:45:42,322
-[rhythmic vocalizations]
-[laughter, applause]
961
00:45:42,406 --> 00:45:44,741
[vocalizing in Indian musical style]
962
00:45:44,825 --> 00:45:47,661
-[cheers and applause]
-I was hoping that would happen.
963
00:45:49,872 --> 00:45:51,373
I was waiting for it.
964
00:45:55,377 --> 00:45:57,671
"The biggest scandal of all time."
965
00:45:57,754 --> 00:46:00,299
"He became Indian."
966
00:46:00,382 --> 00:46:02,092
[laughter]
967
00:46:04,428 --> 00:46:06,013
I don't think it was that bad.
968
00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:09,850
I just think he tries too hard,
to be honest.
969
00:46:09,933 --> 00:46:12,102
You know, I think Justin Trudeau
tries too hard.
970
00:46:12,186 --> 00:46:15,731
Tries too hard to show he's compassionate.
Tries too hard, you know?
971
00:46:15,814 --> 00:46:17,816
I don't think it's that bad.
And look, I'm biased.
972
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:19,610
I know I'm biased. I am.
973
00:46:20,402 --> 00:46:23,655
Because I… I too have Trudeau'd.
974
00:46:24,281 --> 00:46:26,742
[laughter]
975
00:46:26,825 --> 00:46:27,993
I'll… Yeah.
976
00:46:28,076 --> 00:46:29,912
I'll confess it here tonight.
977
00:46:29,995 --> 00:46:32,331
I too have Trudeau'd, Canada.
978
00:46:32,414 --> 00:46:33,957
[crowd chuckling]
979
00:46:34,041 --> 00:46:37,669
I too have tried too hard to connect
with a group of people, and…
980
00:46:38,295 --> 00:46:39,546
it did not go well.
981
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:41,507
[laughter]
982
00:46:41,590 --> 00:46:44,968
My story happened in Edinburgh, Scotland.
983
00:46:45,052 --> 00:46:46,553
[scattered cheers]
984
00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:50,015
Beautiful place.
If you've never been, go. Stunning.
985
00:46:50,682 --> 00:46:51,600
Everything.
986
00:46:51,683 --> 00:46:53,101
The place is full of history.
987
00:46:53,185 --> 00:46:55,229
The people are lovely and warm.
988
00:46:55,312 --> 00:46:57,314
The place isn't, but the people are.
989
00:46:57,397 --> 00:46:58,899
[laughter]
990
00:46:58,982 --> 00:47:01,485
Everything is old.
They love telling you that.
991
00:47:01,568 --> 00:47:03,654
Everywhere you'll go in Edinburgh,
people will be like,
992
00:47:03,737 --> 00:47:05,322
"How old d'ya think that bridge is?"
993
00:47:05,405 --> 00:47:08,200
Like, "I don't know."
They're like, "Three hundred years old."
994
00:47:08,867 --> 00:47:12,746
Like, "Oh, okay." They be like,
"That church, 500 years old."
995
00:47:13,622 --> 00:47:17,251
-"Meet my son, 800 years old."
-[laughter]
996
00:47:17,876 --> 00:47:20,295
"He looks six."
"Aye. Scottish workmanship."
997
00:47:20,379 --> 00:47:22,464
[laughter]
998
00:47:22,548 --> 00:47:24,967
But they're a wonderful people.
It was really great out there.
999
00:47:25,050 --> 00:47:27,594
We were there for a comedy festival, okay?
1000
00:47:27,678 --> 00:47:28,929
And…
1001
00:47:29,012 --> 00:47:30,973
what I do whenever I'm traveling is,
1002
00:47:31,056 --> 00:47:32,808
if I get to be in the same place
as my friends,
1003
00:47:32,891 --> 00:47:34,434
we try and spend as much time together.
1004
00:47:35,018 --> 00:47:38,981
And what we'll do is we'll order food
or we'll go out, and when we do that,
1005
00:47:39,064 --> 00:47:41,149
we allow one person to designate the meal.
1006
00:47:41,233 --> 00:47:43,527
Nobody negotiates.
Everybody gets to pick a day.
1007
00:47:44,152 --> 00:47:45,821
And so, whenever my day comes around,
1008
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:49,283
consistently I pick Indian food.
1009
00:47:49,366 --> 00:47:51,910
All right? Yeah, I think
it's the best cuisine in the world.
1010
00:47:51,994 --> 00:47:53,161
-Nothing comes close.
-[cheering]
1011
00:47:53,245 --> 00:47:56,790
You don't agree with me, let's meet
in the parking lot and we can fight.
1012
00:47:56,873 --> 00:47:58,542
[laughter]
1013
00:47:58,625 --> 00:48:00,836
I love Indian food.
Loved it my whole life.
1014
00:48:01,712 --> 00:48:03,797
We're in Edinburgh. I'm with friends.
"Where are we going?"
1015
00:48:03,880 --> 00:48:06,133
"Trevor, what do you say?"
I'm like, "Indian food." "Every time!"
1016
00:48:06,216 --> 00:48:08,010
"Yes, every time, Indian food."
1017
00:48:08,093 --> 00:48:09,928
"It's always the same."
"Then why keep asking?"
1018
00:48:10,012 --> 00:48:12,931
-"If you know, you know. Stop asking me."
-[laughter]
1019
00:48:13,765 --> 00:48:15,726
And I searched for where we were gonna go.
1020
00:48:15,809 --> 00:48:19,187
I always try and find the most authentic
Indian restaurant I can find.
1021
00:48:19,271 --> 00:48:22,316
I mean, like,
authentic Indian restaurants.
1022
00:48:22,399 --> 00:48:26,820
You know? What I'll do is I'll go
to a place, and then I'll ask around.
1023
00:48:26,903 --> 00:48:28,488
I'll ask people, like, "Where do you go?"
1024
00:48:28,572 --> 00:48:30,741
Then like, where the white people
tell me, I don't go there.
1025
00:48:30,824 --> 00:48:33,160
[laughter]
1026
00:48:33,243 --> 00:48:34,328
[Trevor chuckles]
1027
00:48:36,538 --> 00:48:39,041
So I found this authentic spot.
1028
00:48:39,124 --> 00:48:40,959
And it was… I was so happy.
1029
00:48:41,043 --> 00:48:43,128
Now, the reason it had to be so authentic,
1030
00:48:43,211 --> 00:48:45,297
just so you understand a little bit of me…
1031
00:48:45,380 --> 00:48:47,257
I grew up in South Africa, as you know.
Right?
1032
00:48:47,341 --> 00:48:50,177
Now, what a lot of people may not know
is that South Africa
1033
00:48:50,260 --> 00:48:53,597
has one of the largest Indian populations
outside of India.
1034
00:48:54,348 --> 00:48:58,435
All right? One of the largest Indian
populations outside of India.
1035
00:48:58,518 --> 00:49:00,228
I know Canada's number one now.
1036
00:49:00,312 --> 00:49:03,440
[laughter]
1037
00:49:03,523 --> 00:49:04,900
But when I was growing up,
1038
00:49:04,983 --> 00:49:10,238
we had the single largest population
of Indians outside of India.
1039
00:49:10,322 --> 00:49:11,740
Yeah. So if India blew up…
1040
00:49:11,823 --> 00:49:13,533
[mimics explosion]
1041
00:49:13,617 --> 00:49:14,701
We were India.
1042
00:49:14,785 --> 00:49:16,328
[laughter]
1043
00:49:16,411 --> 00:49:17,454
It was that close.
1044
00:49:19,331 --> 00:49:22,209
And so I was lucky enough to grow up
surrounded by Indian culture.
1045
00:49:22,292 --> 00:49:24,419
In fact, one of my best friends growing up
1046
00:49:24,503 --> 00:49:26,713
was a little Indian boy
by the name of Theesan Pillay.
1047
00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:29,174
And we were thick as thieves.
1048
00:49:29,257 --> 00:49:31,927
I don't think you understand.
Every day, we hung out together.
1049
00:49:32,010 --> 00:49:33,845
We spent our recesses together.
1050
00:49:33,929 --> 00:49:36,181
We're hanging out, eating,
everything together.
1051
00:49:36,264 --> 00:49:37,641
Because we had so many things in common.
1052
00:49:37,724 --> 00:49:39,476
We met at the beginning
of the school year,
1053
00:49:39,559 --> 00:49:41,978
and we had so many things in common.
1054
00:49:42,062 --> 00:49:44,398
Like, he liked running. I liked running.
1055
00:49:45,565 --> 00:49:46,692
So…
1056
00:49:46,775 --> 00:49:49,027
[laughter]
1057
00:49:49,111 --> 00:49:51,738
Theesan and I would spend
every day together.
1058
00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:54,700
And our ritual was simple.
We'd go to all the classes we did,
1059
00:49:54,783 --> 00:49:57,035
and then we'd meet
at what we called break time.
1060
00:49:57,119 --> 00:49:59,121
At break time,
we'd sit and eat lunch together.
1061
00:49:59,204 --> 00:50:01,456
Now, our lunches were very different.
All right?
1062
00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:05,043
Because Theesan would get a packed lunch
from his mom every single day.
1063
00:50:05,127 --> 00:50:07,671
I would get money from my mom to buy food
1064
00:50:07,754 --> 00:50:09,673
from the school tuck shop. Right?
1065
00:50:09,756 --> 00:50:11,216
Cafeteria. Right?
1066
00:50:11,299 --> 00:50:13,427
So I'd go and buy the food every day.
1067
00:50:13,510 --> 00:50:15,554
'Cause my mom couldn't cook, right?
1068
00:50:15,637 --> 00:50:18,557
Well, she tried once, and I was like,
"Don't do this ever again."
1069
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:20,350
-[laughter]
-"This is child abuse."
1070
00:50:20,434 --> 00:50:21,977
"Just give me the money."
1071
00:50:22,811 --> 00:50:24,312
So, I would buy the food every day.
1072
00:50:24,396 --> 00:50:26,815
Theesan, on the other hand, had food
that his mom made every day.
1073
00:50:26,898 --> 00:50:29,151
And every day, the meal was curry.
1074
00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:31,236
I know this
1075
00:50:31,319 --> 00:50:33,739
because every day, we'd sit down together,
1076
00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:35,657
Theesan would open his little lunchbox,
1077
00:50:35,741 --> 00:50:38,744
he'd take out his little can of juice,
1078
00:50:38,827 --> 00:50:42,164
he'd unwrap his sandwich
with little triangles cut out.
1079
00:50:42,247 --> 00:50:43,665
And then he'd pull it out,
1080
00:50:43,749 --> 00:50:45,333
he'd open the bread,
1081
00:50:45,417 --> 00:50:48,628
look inside, and then he'd scream
at the top of his lungs.
1082
00:50:48,712 --> 00:50:52,174
He'd be like, "Curry!"
1083
00:50:52,257 --> 00:50:53,425
[laughter]
1084
00:50:53,508 --> 00:50:54,843
"Damn it, Mommy."
1085
00:50:54,926 --> 00:50:56,928
[laughter]
1086
00:50:59,556 --> 00:51:00,432
Every day.
1087
00:51:01,475 --> 00:51:04,102
Every day, we'd sit down,
I'd have my food, he'd have his.
1088
00:51:04,186 --> 00:51:06,730
He'd take the juice out of the box,
unwrap the sandwich, look in between,
1089
00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:09,357
and be like, "Curry!"
1090
00:51:10,275 --> 00:51:11,443
"Damn it, Mommy."
1091
00:51:11,526 --> 00:51:13,445
[laughter]
1092
00:51:14,029 --> 00:51:16,490
Every single day.
1093
00:51:16,573 --> 00:51:17,783
Without fail.
1094
00:51:17,866 --> 00:51:19,743
Every day. Mutton curry.
1095
00:51:19,826 --> 00:51:21,244
Lamb curry.
1096
00:51:21,328 --> 00:51:23,747
Potato curry. Every curry you can imagine.
1097
00:51:23,830 --> 00:51:26,833
But it was curry every single day.
1098
00:51:26,917 --> 00:51:29,127
"Curry!" It was my favorite
part of the day.
1099
00:51:29,211 --> 00:51:30,212
[laughter]
1100
00:51:30,295 --> 00:51:33,465
Some days, I wouldn't even open my lunch
for fear of missing the moment.
1101
00:51:33,548 --> 00:51:35,383
I would just sit there next to him,
waiting.
1102
00:51:36,092 --> 00:51:38,637
And he'd open it up and be like, "Curry!"
1103
00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:41,181
And I'd mouth it next to him.
"Damn it, Mommy."
1104
00:51:41,264 --> 00:51:43,141
[laughter]
1105
00:51:43,225 --> 00:51:47,687
Every day for months and months
and months and months, this happened.
1106
00:51:47,771 --> 00:51:48,897
And then finally,
1107
00:51:49,648 --> 00:51:50,524
finally,
1108
00:51:51,733 --> 00:51:53,276
at the risk of breaking it all,
1109
00:51:54,194 --> 00:51:57,447
I turn to Theesan one day,
he screams, like, "Curry!"
1110
00:51:57,531 --> 00:51:58,698
"Damn it, Mommy."
1111
00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:00,742
And I was like, "Theesan."
1112
00:52:02,369 --> 00:52:04,412
"You know it's gonna be curry every day."
1113
00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:06,164
[audience chuckling]
1114
00:52:06,248 --> 00:52:07,582
He said, "What?"
1115
00:52:07,666 --> 00:52:08,875
[laughter]
1116
00:52:08,959 --> 00:52:12,921
I said, "It's gonna be curry
every single day."
1117
00:52:13,672 --> 00:52:15,674
"Every day, you open the bread,
1118
00:52:16,341 --> 00:52:19,970
and then, every day, you're shocked
and you're like, 'Curry! Damn it, Mommy.'"
1119
00:52:20,595 --> 00:52:22,556
"But it's always gonna be curry."
1120
00:52:23,515 --> 00:52:26,476
And he said, "I know, Trevor. I know."
1121
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:28,812
"I'm not shocked. I'm just disappointed."
1122
00:52:28,895 --> 00:52:30,188
[laughter]
1123
00:52:30,272 --> 00:52:33,567
"Right? Because every single day, right,
I come to school,
1124
00:52:33,650 --> 00:52:35,652
and then every day,
I'm like, 'I wanna eat lunch.'"
1125
00:52:35,735 --> 00:52:38,154
"And every day, I open the box
and I know what it's gonna be
1126
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:40,198
because last night, we had the curry."
1127
00:52:40,282 --> 00:52:42,617
"Then what my mom does
is she takes last night's curry,
1128
00:52:42,701 --> 00:52:44,411
then she put it in a sandwich for me,
1129
00:52:44,494 --> 00:52:46,329
and then that's the curry
I'm gonna have today."
1130
00:52:46,413 --> 00:52:47,998
"Then I know when I go home tonight,
1131
00:52:48,081 --> 00:52:51,209
I'm gonna eat the curry
I know is coming the next day."
1132
00:52:51,293 --> 00:52:53,378
"So every single day, I'm getting curry."
1133
00:52:53,461 --> 00:52:55,672
"It's curry and then there's
gonna be more curry."
1134
00:52:55,755 --> 00:52:58,049
"Trevor, I know I'm Indian,
but it's too much, man."
1135
00:52:58,133 --> 00:52:59,467
[laughter]
1136
00:52:59,551 --> 00:53:01,845
"I just want something different,
you know?"
1137
00:53:01,928 --> 00:53:04,973
"They say variety's the spice of life,
not just curry."
1138
00:53:05,056 --> 00:53:06,600
[laughter continues]
1139
00:53:07,642 --> 00:53:11,313
I was like, "Ah, but, Theesan, is it…
Like, is it bad?"
1140
00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:14,524
-He said, "I don't even know anymore."
-[laughter]
1141
00:53:14,608 --> 00:53:16,359
"I lost perspectives."
1142
00:53:17,944 --> 00:53:19,613
"Here, you can have it."
1143
00:53:20,363 --> 00:53:22,908
And he gave me his curry sandwich.
1144
00:53:25,368 --> 00:53:26,870
I bit it.
1145
00:53:29,247 --> 00:53:31,750
And, Toronto,
there are moments in your life…
1146
00:53:31,833 --> 00:53:34,628
[laughter]
1147
00:53:34,711 --> 00:53:36,504
…that'll forever shape who you are.
1148
00:53:36,588 --> 00:53:38,673
[laughter continues]
1149
00:53:38,757 --> 00:53:42,385
Moments that will define
who you grow on to be.
1150
00:53:42,469 --> 00:53:43,887
This was one of those moments.
1151
00:53:43,970 --> 00:53:46,598
I put that sandwich in my mouth,
1152
00:53:46,681 --> 00:53:49,935
I bit down, and my mouth came alive.
1153
00:53:50,018 --> 00:53:52,979
My tongue discovered its purpose.
1154
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:55,523
I didn't know potatoes
could pop like that.
1155
00:53:55,607 --> 00:53:58,193
-The flavors were bouncing around.
-[audience cheering]
1156
00:53:58,276 --> 00:54:00,111
My eyes opened wide.
1157
00:54:01,529 --> 00:54:05,742
It was… I was like, "Wow!"
I was like, "Curry!"
1158
00:54:05,825 --> 00:54:06,993
[laughter]
1159
00:54:07,077 --> 00:54:08,370
"Thank you, Mommy."
1160
00:54:08,453 --> 00:54:11,289
[laughter, applause]
1161
00:54:11,373 --> 00:54:14,417
And I said, "Theesan, this is amazing.
You eat this every day?"
1162
00:54:14,501 --> 00:54:16,378
And he's like, "Every damn day."
1163
00:54:16,461 --> 00:54:17,837
[laughter]
1164
00:54:17,921 --> 00:54:19,881
And I was like, "Okay, let's swap."
1165
00:54:19,965 --> 00:54:22,342
"I'll give you my money for tuck shop,
1166
00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:24,761
and then you give me
your curry food, every day."
1167
00:54:24,844 --> 00:54:26,012
And we did that. We traded.
1168
00:54:26,096 --> 00:54:28,348
Let me tell you something.
You thought we were best friends before,
1169
00:54:28,431 --> 00:54:30,350
we turned into soulmates.
1170
00:54:30,433 --> 00:54:31,476
[laughter]
1171
00:54:31,559 --> 00:54:34,229
Yeah, because we both
got everything we dreamed of.
1172
00:54:34,312 --> 00:54:37,315
All right? I got to have
a home-cooked meal every single day.
1173
00:54:37,399 --> 00:54:40,610
And as an Indian person, he got to start
a business. Theesan was in heaven.
1174
00:54:40,694 --> 00:54:42,862
[laughter]
1175
00:54:42,946 --> 00:54:44,239
It was perfect.
1176
00:54:44,322 --> 00:54:46,783
[applause]
1177
00:54:46,866 --> 00:54:48,618
And since then, I've loved curry.
1178
00:54:49,494 --> 00:54:52,288
So, fast-forward many decades.
Edinburgh, Scotland.
1179
00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:53,790
Going out with my friends.
1180
00:54:53,873 --> 00:54:55,458
We're choosing a spot. I choose Indian.
1181
00:54:55,542 --> 00:54:58,837
Authentic Indian.
We get to the place, and it's legit.
1182
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:02,590
Like, it is legit. We walk in
and there's Indian music playing.
1183
00:55:02,674 --> 00:55:04,759
There are Indian people eating.
Indian cooks in the back.
1184
00:55:04,843 --> 00:55:06,886
Indian waiters. Indian garbs on the wall.
1185
00:55:06,970 --> 00:55:10,598
-I'm like, "This is it. I'm home."
-[laughter]
1186
00:55:10,682 --> 00:55:12,308
We walked in, sat down.
1187
00:55:12,392 --> 00:55:14,728
And as soon as we sat,
one of my friends, Steve,
1188
00:55:14,811 --> 00:55:17,230
launches for the menu.
And I was like, "Steve, Steve."
1189
00:55:17,313 --> 00:55:19,649
"It's cool. I'll just order
for everyone at the table."
1190
00:55:19,733 --> 00:55:23,570
And he's like, "Oh, that's fine, Trevor.
I'll order for myself, thank you."
1191
00:55:23,653 --> 00:55:25,530
I was like,
"No, it's not about that, Steve."
1192
00:55:25,613 --> 00:55:27,699
"I just prefer to order
for all of us, yeah?"
1193
00:55:28,283 --> 00:55:29,534
"All right? You good?"
1194
00:55:29,617 --> 00:55:33,329
He's like, "Uh, I don't know
why that's necessary. I…"
1195
00:55:33,413 --> 00:55:35,415
"I think I'll just order for myself.
Is that okay?"
1196
00:55:35,498 --> 00:55:37,584
I was like, "It's not, no.
It's not okay, Steve."
1197
00:55:37,667 --> 00:55:40,003
-[laughter]
-"It's not okay. All right?"
1198
00:55:40,086 --> 00:55:42,839
"Because you're probably gonna say
some shit that's gonna embarrass me
1199
00:55:42,922 --> 00:55:45,216
in front of my Indian people. All right?"
1200
00:55:45,300 --> 00:55:47,135
"So I just need you
to back off for a moment."
1201
00:55:47,218 --> 00:55:49,596
He's like, "I'm sorry. What would I say
that could embarrass you
1202
00:55:49,679 --> 00:55:50,847
in front of Indian people?"
1203
00:55:50,930 --> 00:55:53,349
I was like, "I don't know,
and I don't want it to happen."
1204
00:55:53,433 --> 00:55:54,893
"Just let me handle this, okay?"
1205
00:55:54,976 --> 00:55:56,227
He's like, "Let you handle this?"
1206
00:55:56,311 --> 00:55:59,731
"Trevor, I'll have you know that
I've eaten curry for many, many years."
1207
00:55:59,814 --> 00:56:03,610
I'm like, "Steve, not the time.
Just let's not argue, okay? Not the time."
1208
00:56:03,693 --> 00:56:06,071
He's like, "What do you mean?
Why would I embarrass you? Why?"
1209
00:56:06,154 --> 00:56:08,823
I was like, "You don't need to know why.
Let's just not."
1210
00:56:08,907 --> 00:56:10,575
"No, why? Because I'm white?"
1211
00:56:10,658 --> 00:56:12,786
I was like,
"You brought it up, not me. All right?"
1212
00:56:13,369 --> 00:56:15,330
"I wasn't gonna bring up race,
but you did."
1213
00:56:15,413 --> 00:56:16,748
"You brought it up. Let's talk about it."
1214
00:56:16,831 --> 00:56:19,584
Every time I take my white friends
to an ethnic restaurant,
1215
00:56:19,667 --> 00:56:21,586
they always say some shit
that embarrasses me.
1216
00:56:21,669 --> 00:56:23,797
Every single time. Every time.
1217
00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:25,840
Either they don't know how
to pronounce the food
1218
00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:27,383
or they'll say some random shit.
1219
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:29,094
Like, "Can I get that one? The papadums?"
1220
00:56:29,177 --> 00:56:31,054
"What do you call these ones?"
1221
00:56:31,137 --> 00:56:33,139
"Can I get this one, but not spicy?"
1222
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:35,767
-"Kill yourself!"
-[laughter]
1223
00:56:35,850 --> 00:56:39,354
"Can I get the curry, but not spicy?"
"Kill yourself!"
1224
00:56:39,437 --> 00:56:41,231
[laughter]
1225
00:56:41,314 --> 00:56:43,858
How you gonna ask for curry but not spicy?
1226
00:56:43,942 --> 00:56:45,401
That's the whole point of curry.
1227
00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:47,779
You want curry without the spice.
1228
00:56:48,571 --> 00:56:52,408
What, do you go to a sushi restaurant
and ask for the fish slightly boiled?
1229
00:56:52,492 --> 00:56:54,744
[laughter]
1230
00:56:55,578 --> 00:56:56,788
"Don't want the spice."
1231
00:56:56,871 --> 00:56:59,332
"Your forefathers went around the world
killing people for this spice!"
1232
00:56:59,415 --> 00:57:01,626
-"Now you don't want it?"
-[laughter]
1233
00:57:01,709 --> 00:57:04,379
[cheers and applause]
1234
00:57:05,046 --> 00:57:07,090
"Shut up and eat the spice, Steve."
1235
00:57:08,716 --> 00:57:12,470
And he's like, "Trevor, I really don't
understand where this is coming from."
1236
00:57:12,554 --> 00:57:15,223
"All right? I'm not gonna embarrass you.
I understand curry."
1237
00:57:15,306 --> 00:57:17,809
I was like, "Let's just leave it at that.
I've got you."
1238
00:57:17,892 --> 00:57:19,435
"I understand this way more than you."
1239
00:57:19,519 --> 00:57:21,855
He's like, "I'm sorry,
you're not more Indian than me."
1240
00:57:21,938 --> 00:57:23,314
Like, "I'm sorry, what?"
1241
00:57:23,398 --> 00:57:25,483
Like, "Yeah, you are not
more Indian than me."
1242
00:57:25,567 --> 00:57:27,902
I was like, "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai."
1243
00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:29,195
[laughter]
1244
00:57:29,904 --> 00:57:31,823
"What the hell is that?" "Exactly."
1245
00:57:33,450 --> 00:57:35,034
"Don't tell me
I'm not more Indian than you."
1246
00:57:35,118 --> 00:57:38,246
"You shut up. When the waiter comes in…"
He's like, "I'm not gonna shut up."
1247
00:57:38,329 --> 00:57:40,748
Like, "You shut up!"
Like, "Okay, fine. Order, then."
1248
00:57:40,832 --> 00:57:42,125
The waiter walks over,
1249
00:57:42,792 --> 00:57:45,545
this beautiful Indian man,
got his beautiful Indian garb,
1250
00:57:45,628 --> 00:57:46,713
and he steps up.
1251
00:57:46,796 --> 00:57:49,340
And I know Steve. I can see him
questioning my authority
1252
00:57:49,424 --> 00:57:51,176
out of the corner of my eye.
1253
00:57:52,177 --> 00:57:53,678
And that's when I Trudeau'd.
1254
00:57:53,761 --> 00:57:55,847
[laughter]
1255
00:57:55,930 --> 00:57:57,432
I was just a little too hyped.
1256
00:57:59,309 --> 00:58:01,102
I wanted to show him
that these were my people.
1257
00:58:01,186 --> 00:58:02,854
As the waiter got there,
I didn't let him speak.
1258
00:58:02,937 --> 00:58:05,523
I just jumped up and was like…
[Indian accent] "Good evening."
1259
00:58:05,607 --> 00:58:06,608
[laughter]
1260
00:58:06,691 --> 00:58:09,486
"I'm going to be ordering
for the entire table, please."
1261
00:58:09,569 --> 00:58:12,071
[laughter continues]
1262
00:58:13,656 --> 00:58:16,784
"Could we please have
three garlic roll naans?"
1263
00:58:16,868 --> 00:58:20,413
"We're going to have, uh,
three rumali rotis."
1264
00:58:20,497 --> 00:58:23,583
"Give us one shahi paneer,
one palak paneer."
1265
00:58:23,666 --> 00:58:25,001
[audience cheering]
1266
00:58:25,084 --> 00:58:28,838
"You know what? We're going to have
a rogan josh. Lamb, of course."
1267
00:58:28,922 --> 00:58:30,590
[laughter]
1268
00:58:30,673 --> 00:58:34,594
"Could we also please have one butter
chicken for my Caucasian friends?"
1269
00:58:34,677 --> 00:58:38,848
[laughter, applause]
1270
00:58:40,558 --> 00:58:42,519
"And then we're going
to have three samosas
1271
00:58:42,602 --> 00:58:44,896
and three mango lassis
to wash it all down."
1272
00:58:45,647 --> 00:58:47,148
"Thank you very much."
1273
00:58:47,232 --> 00:58:48,274
[laughter]
1274
00:58:48,358 --> 00:58:49,859
I crushed it.
1275
00:58:49,943 --> 00:58:53,571
[cheers and applause]
1276
00:58:53,655 --> 00:58:54,697
I could feel it.
1277
00:58:55,823 --> 00:58:57,200
Everyone could feel it.
1278
00:58:59,452 --> 00:59:00,787
They could feel something.
1279
00:59:00,870 --> 00:59:03,039
[laughter]
1280
00:59:03,665 --> 00:59:05,208
'Cause the table went dead.
1281
00:59:05,291 --> 00:59:06,626
[laughter]
1282
00:59:07,544 --> 00:59:09,003
The waiter just stared at me.
1283
00:59:09,837 --> 00:59:13,925
At first I thought he was impressed.
Then I realized he was confused.
1284
00:59:14,008 --> 00:59:15,593
[laughter]
1285
00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:19,264
And this Indian man leans in,
1286
00:59:20,515 --> 00:59:22,392
looks me dead in the eye, and he's like…
1287
00:59:24,644 --> 00:59:27,272
[Scottish accent] "Sorry, sir,
could you repeat what you said?"
1288
00:59:27,355 --> 00:59:31,943
[laughter, applause]
1289
00:59:37,073 --> 00:59:40,159
"I canna hear what you were saying.
You got a bit of an accent."
1290
00:59:40,243 --> 00:59:42,620
[laughter]
1291
00:59:42,704 --> 00:59:45,707
-And I was like, "Oh, shit!"
-[laughter]
1292
00:59:45,790 --> 00:59:47,625
"He's Scottish!"
1293
00:59:48,543 --> 00:59:51,087
I mean, I know he's Scot…
We're in Scotland.
1294
00:59:51,170 --> 00:59:53,756
Scottish… But, like, he's Indian!
I didn't expect that, right?
1295
00:59:53,840 --> 00:59:56,509
Because the whole place is Indian.
Indian restaurant, people were Indian.
1296
00:59:56,593 --> 00:59:58,803
Indian garbs on the wall.
The guy was Indian.
1297
00:59:58,886 --> 01:00:01,139
His beard was Indian.
But his mouth was Shrek.
1298
01:00:01,222 --> 01:00:03,766
-I didn't expect that.
-[laughter]
1299
01:00:04,892 --> 01:00:06,603
And now he didn't understand me.
1300
01:00:06,686 --> 01:00:08,605
'Cause I Trudeau'd too much.
1301
01:00:08,688 --> 01:00:10,231
[laughter]
1302
01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:13,067
I didn't need to try so hard.
1303
01:00:15,987 --> 01:00:17,238
But then I realized
1304
01:00:17,864 --> 01:00:19,115
I also couldn't stop.
1305
01:00:19,198 --> 01:00:21,409
[laughter]
1306
01:00:21,492 --> 01:00:23,119
'Cause that would be racist.
1307
01:00:23,202 --> 01:00:25,747
[laughter]
1308
01:00:31,210 --> 01:00:32,337
So now,
1309
01:00:33,880 --> 01:00:36,424
I've got this Scottish-Indian man
looking at me.
1310
01:00:38,217 --> 01:00:40,136
Everyone's quiet, and he's like,
1311
01:00:40,219 --> 01:00:44,140
"If you don't mind, laddie, could you
order again, a little slower this time?"
1312
01:00:45,141 --> 01:00:47,018
"I didna hear what ya said."
1313
01:00:49,646 --> 01:00:52,231
[Indian accent] "You want me to place
the entire order again?"
1314
01:00:52,315 --> 01:00:53,650
[laughter]
1315
01:00:54,567 --> 01:00:57,862
[Scottish accent] "Aye, if you don't mind.
I'm ready whenever you are."
1316
01:01:02,116 --> 01:01:05,995
[Indian accent] "I think everybody can
order for themselves at the table. I…"
1317
01:01:06,871 --> 01:01:09,040
"I don't think it's necessary
to hold their hands."
1318
01:01:09,123 --> 01:01:11,376
"Everybody can order individually."
1319
01:01:11,459 --> 01:01:14,003
"And we can go from there, okay?
We can go from there."
1320
01:01:14,087 --> 01:01:15,672
Steve was like, "Oh, I wish I could,
1321
01:01:15,755 --> 01:01:18,925
but I'm so afraid
I might offend someone. I…"
1322
01:01:19,008 --> 01:01:20,468
[laughter]
1323
01:01:20,551 --> 01:01:24,430
"I think my friend here should order
for us. Please, Trevor, go ahead."
1324
01:01:24,514 --> 01:01:26,724
"Go ahead.
You're far more cultured than I am."
1325
01:01:26,808 --> 01:01:29,560
I said, "No, Steve, please.
You can try your hand."
1326
01:01:29,644 --> 01:01:30,895
"I'm sure you know what you want."
1327
01:01:30,978 --> 01:01:33,481
He's like, "No, but what if I say
something embarrassing?"
1328
01:01:34,315 --> 01:01:37,568
"The last thing I'd want to do is offend
another person's culture, Trevor."
1329
01:01:37,652 --> 01:01:41,406
"You can't offend anybody.
There are no mistakes here, okay?"
1330
01:01:41,489 --> 01:01:42,699
"We are all friends, okay?"
1331
01:01:42,782 --> 01:01:44,617
"If anybody make a mistake,
we forget about it."
1332
01:01:44,701 --> 01:01:48,371
"In fact, whatever happens today,
we're all gonna forget about it, okay?"
1333
01:01:48,454 --> 01:01:49,664
"Just order. Just order."
1334
01:01:49,747 --> 01:01:53,543
He's like, "No, I really wish I could,
but Trevor, please go on."
1335
01:01:53,626 --> 01:01:56,003
I said, "No, just order, Steve."
"No, please, Trevor."
1336
01:01:56,087 --> 01:01:57,630
I was like, "Order, bastard!"
1337
01:01:57,714 --> 01:02:00,383
[laughter]
1338
01:02:02,051 --> 01:02:03,094
"Just order!"
1339
01:02:04,429 --> 01:02:08,099
The waiter was like, "Hey, there's no need
to fight amongst yourselves."
1340
01:02:08,808 --> 01:02:11,352
"Look, clearly your friend's
a little uncomfortable."
1341
01:02:11,436 --> 01:02:13,896
"Right? Just order for him."
1342
01:02:14,939 --> 01:02:17,275
[Indian accent]
"Yes, it's totally uncomfortable."
1343
01:02:21,529 --> 01:02:23,322
"Okay, could we please have, um…
1344
01:02:24,490 --> 01:02:26,534
uh, three rumali rotis, and…
1345
01:02:27,452 --> 01:02:29,203
three garlic naan,
1346
01:02:29,287 --> 01:02:31,164
uh, one shahi paneer, one palak paneer,
1347
01:02:31,247 --> 01:02:33,708
and, uh, could we also
get a lamb rogan josh?"
1348
01:02:33,791 --> 01:02:38,004
"And we're also going to be having,
uh, one butter chicken--"
1349
01:02:38,087 --> 01:02:39,922
"For your Caucasian friends?"
1350
01:02:40,006 --> 01:02:42,717
-[laughter]
-"For anybody. For anybody."
1351
01:02:42,800 --> 01:02:45,595
"Anybody can enjoy different types of
curry. They don't all have to be spicy."
1352
01:02:45,678 --> 01:02:48,347
"It doesn't matter,
as long as you participate."
1353
01:02:48,431 --> 01:02:49,599
"There is no wrong way."
1354
01:02:49,682 --> 01:02:52,268
"Oh, you're so understanding, Trevor."
1355
01:02:52,351 --> 01:02:54,187
"Yes. Yes, I am."
1356
01:02:54,270 --> 01:02:55,521
[laughter]
1357
01:02:55,605 --> 01:02:58,107
"Could we, um, also please get, uh--"
1358
01:02:58,191 --> 01:03:03,905
-[mimics phone buzzing]
-[audience laughing]
1359
01:03:03,988 --> 01:03:07,700
[continues mimicking buzzing]
1360
01:03:07,784 --> 01:03:10,161
[audience chuckling]
1361
01:03:10,244 --> 01:03:15,416
-[continues mimicking buzzing]
-[laughter]
1362
01:03:15,500 --> 01:03:17,627
[Scottish accent]
"Aren't you gonna answer that?"
1363
01:03:17,710 --> 01:03:20,379
-[continues mimicking buzzing]
-[laughter]
1364
01:03:20,463 --> 01:03:22,423
[Indian accent]
"No, they can call me back later."
1365
01:03:22,507 --> 01:03:27,470
[continues buzzing]
1366
01:03:27,553 --> 01:03:30,765
[Scottish accent] "It's getting awkward.
Just answer your phone. I'll wait."
1367
01:03:30,848 --> 01:03:32,600
[buzzing]
1368
01:03:32,683 --> 01:03:33,601
[Indian accent] "Okay."
1369
01:03:33,684 --> 01:03:36,103
-[buzzing]
-[laughter]
1370
01:03:36,187 --> 01:03:37,980
[mimics button click]
1371
01:03:38,898 --> 01:03:41,901
[audience laughing]
1372
01:03:41,984 --> 01:03:43,152
[Indian accent] "Hello?"
1373
01:03:43,236 --> 01:03:46,405
[audience laughing]
1374
01:03:49,283 --> 01:03:51,744
"Yes, this is Trevor speaking.
How can I help you?"
1375
01:03:51,828 --> 01:03:53,204
[laughter]
1376
01:03:53,287 --> 01:03:55,915
"Yes, no, one and the same.
Can you get to the point?"
1377
01:03:55,998 --> 01:03:57,708
"I can't talk right now. Can you…"
1378
01:03:57,792 --> 01:04:00,878
"Can you tell me what you need?
I can't speak for too long. Can you…"
1379
01:04:01,712 --> 01:04:04,465
"No, there is nothing wrong
with my voice. Can you just get…"
1380
01:04:04,549 --> 01:04:05,758
[laughter]
1381
01:04:05,842 --> 01:04:08,719
"No, everything's fine.
No, I have not been kidnapped. No."
1382
01:04:09,428 --> 01:04:11,430
"I have not been kidnapped.
Everything is fine."
1383
01:04:11,514 --> 01:04:14,183
"This is not a secret message.
Just, can you tell me what you need?"
1384
01:04:14,267 --> 01:04:15,977
"No, we can talk later then. We--"
1385
01:04:16,060 --> 01:04:19,397
"No, yeah, my voice is like this
sometimes. Don't worry about that."
1386
01:04:19,480 --> 01:04:21,983
"Just-- No, and I think I know my voice."
1387
01:04:22,066 --> 01:04:23,192
"I know my voice also."
1388
01:04:23,276 --> 01:04:25,319
"Well, I've been me my whole life, okay?"
1389
01:04:25,403 --> 01:04:27,238
"Okay, fine. We'll talk later.
We'll talk later."
1390
01:04:27,321 --> 01:04:30,116
"Okay, okay, okay.
Love you too, Mommy. Bye-bye."
1391
01:04:30,199 --> 01:04:33,661
[laughter, applause]
1392
01:04:35,830 --> 01:04:38,499
Most awkward meal
I've ever had in my life.
1393
01:04:41,919 --> 01:04:43,880
I barely ate a thing.
1394
01:04:45,715 --> 01:04:48,092
I just sat there thinking about my life.
1395
01:04:48,175 --> 01:04:50,219
[laughter]
1396
01:04:50,803 --> 01:04:52,513
We finally get up to leave.
1397
01:04:53,681 --> 01:04:55,808
Steve is beaming from ear to ear.
1398
01:04:55,892 --> 01:04:58,352
[laughter]
1399
01:04:58,436 --> 01:05:00,229
They walk out ahead of me,
1400
01:05:00,313 --> 01:05:03,941
and as I'm leaving the restaurant,
the waiter waves us off.
1401
01:05:04,025 --> 01:05:06,694
[Scottish accent] "Good night, everybody!
Have a great night."
1402
01:05:06,777 --> 01:05:10,114
And we wave at him. He's like,
"Excuse me, before you go, hey."
1403
01:05:10,197 --> 01:05:12,283
"Aren't you Trevor Noah?"
1404
01:05:12,366 --> 01:05:15,077
[laughter]
1405
01:05:15,161 --> 01:05:16,412
"The comedian, right?"
1406
01:05:18,205 --> 01:05:19,999
I was like, "Yeah. Yeah, why?"
1407
01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:22,043
He's like, "Oh, no, because…"
1408
01:05:22,126 --> 01:05:23,920
[Indian accent]
"I totally got you, Trevor!"
1409
01:05:24,003 --> 01:05:25,588
[laughter]
1410
01:05:25,671 --> 01:05:28,716
-"I totally got you, Trevor!"
-[laughter continues]
1411
01:05:29,634 --> 01:05:31,469
Like, "Wait, wait, what…?"
1412
01:05:31,552 --> 01:05:34,472
"Wait, you're Indian?"
He's like, "Of course I'm Indian!"
1413
01:05:34,555 --> 01:05:36,724
"Of course I'm Indian!
Whole place is Indian!"
1414
01:05:36,807 --> 01:05:38,059
"I totally got you, huh?"
1415
01:05:38,142 --> 01:05:40,394
I said, "I don't understand."
He's like, "You don't understand?"
1416
01:05:40,478 --> 01:05:42,980
"You walked in. I said,
'Look, Trevor Noah's coming.'"
1417
01:05:43,064 --> 01:05:45,942
"Then you start talking with accent.
I go, 'I'll also do accent.'"
1418
01:05:46,025 --> 01:05:48,569
"Then you were doing accent.
Then I do accent."
1419
01:05:48,653 --> 01:05:51,447
"Then you were doing accent.
You make joke, I make joke."
1420
01:05:51,530 --> 01:05:54,116
"Do you like joke?"
I was like, "No, I don't like your joke!"
1421
01:05:54,742 --> 01:05:57,995
"I thought I was about to get canceled!
You see this shit?"
1422
01:05:58,079 --> 01:06:02,249
He's like, "It was amazing. You were
sweating so hard! Not from the curry, eh?"
1423
01:06:02,333 --> 01:06:04,126
"That was so funny, Trevor!"
1424
01:06:04,210 --> 01:06:06,295
I was like, "It was not funny.
My friends were laughing at me."
1425
01:06:06,379 --> 01:06:09,131
Like, "I know." Like, "I was scared, man.
Why would you do that?"
1426
01:06:09,215 --> 01:06:13,094
Like, "Because, Trevor, I take great joy
in the pain and suffering of others."
1427
01:06:13,177 --> 01:06:15,846
-[audience laughing]
-"It's called schadenfreude."
1428
01:06:16,430 --> 01:06:20,017
Yo, Toronto! You guys have been amazing.
Thank you so much for coming out!
1429
01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:23,729
-[cheers and applause]
-I love you all. Good night!
1430
01:06:23,813 --> 01:06:27,775
-[mid-tempo rock beat plays]
-[cheers continue]
1431
01:06:47,003 --> 01:06:49,338
I love you guys so much.
Good night, everybody.
1432
01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:52,383
[audience cheering]
1433
01:06:52,466 --> 01:06:55,386
[music continues]
1434
01:07:08,691 --> 01:07:12,069
[cheers continue, muted]
1435
01:07:20,411 --> 01:07:22,079
[cheers fading]
1436
01:07:22,163 --> 01:07:23,622
[music continues]
1437
01:08:03,788 --> 01:08:05,039
[music fades out]
113611
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