All language subtitles for The Power of Connection with Harville Hendrix

>> In this lecture, Dr. Harville Hendrix

introduces the importance of connection in relationships.

Dr. Hendrix is the creator of Imago Relationship Therapy.

The term "Imago" is Latin for image

and it refers to the unconscious image of familiar love.

Dr. Hendrix's work recognizes

that there is often a connection

between early childhood experiences

and the frustrations experienced in adult relationships.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and the frustrations experienced in adult relationships.

Most people are unaware that our capacity for wellbeing

and joy depend upon our connection

with our parents from infancy.

And often the core issues that arise in our relationships

are connected to the hurt

that we experienced in our childhood.

For example, if you frequently felt neglected,

you may be likely to be sensitive

to being ignored by your partner.

Similarly, if you felt criticized, or smothered,

or abandoned, these feelings may manifest

in your committed relationships.

As you can imagine, this can overshadow
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

As you can imagine, this can overshadow

the positive aspects of the relationship,

leaving people to wonder if they chose the right partner.

This pattern can impact

every single one of our relationships,

romantic and otherwise.

In Imago Relationship Therapy,

Dr. Hendrix helps couples work together

with the goal of moving

from blame to understanding and empathy,

he explains how his research with couples can be applied

within the context of all relationships,

he describes the role that connection has played

in our emotional development from a very young age,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

in our emotional development from a very young age,

and how connection continues

to subconsciously influence our adult relationships.

As you watch this lecture,

we hope you'll begin to consider the role

that connection plays in your own relationships

as well as ways to communicate more effectively

with friends, family members,

co-workers, and future clients.

When you begin to consciously connect

with those that you love,

you will enjoy stronger

and more fulfilling relationships for years to come.

>> I want to thank Joshua for the invitation
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

>> I want to thank Joshua for the invitation

to be a part of your world and your community.

And I also want to make just a comment about

how I got into his world,

which it seems like all really great

entrances are serendipitous.

It was not planned.

We were both presenting at Omega and we met.

So what I discovered was that we are very similar,

Joshua and I.

He is more handsome than me.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

He is more handsome than me.

And I think a little younger,

maybe a little younger, few years.

But we both are into...

I'm in the business of couples' therapy.

But that's really a ruse.

I'm into couples' therapy to change the world.

He's into food and nutrition to change the world.

We both wrote a book.

His book is his magnum opus about what he wants to do.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

His book is his magnum opus about what he wants to do.

I wrote a book called Getting the Love You Want,

a guide for couples, which is what got me started

and got my career started.

There's ignorance in the culture about relationship

that our culture

is an individualistic oriented relationship,

that it's all about me and mine and not us and ours,

and that we in fact, don't live, can't be individuals

because there's no such thing as an individual,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

because there's no such thing as an individual,

there's people in context,

people relating that that's what reality is.

I'll talk a bit more about that in a moment.

But my goal is to bring relational knowledge into the world

as Joshua's goal is to bring nutritional knowledge.

And what I discovered when he says that,

food is secondary nutrition, love is primary nutrition,

that we in fact are both in the business
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

that we in fact are both in the business

of bringing relationship information into the world,

just through a different medium.

What we've learned over the past 30 years

in working with couples is that what is true for couples

is true for everybody,

that relationality is a fundamental reality,

and it's not a specific sort of thing that you focus on

when you're in an intimate or primary relationship.

So I want to talk about what that is

and that one of the words that we use in imago,

imago relationship, is the word connection.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

imago relationship, is the word connection.

I want to show you just a poignant moment

of human connection.

Now I want to run a video for about two and half minutes

and I'd like you to watch this video,

it's of a mother and a child.

Healthy mother, healthy child

in which an experiment is done.

And as you're watching the video,

you'll notice at the beginning what connection looks like,

you'll notice about a minute into that

what losing connection looks like,

and then you'll notice another minute about,

30 seconds about what getting connection back looks like.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

30 seconds about what getting connection back looks like.

So that's the basic video.

>> Babies this young are extremely responsive

to the emotions, and the reactivity,

and the social interaction

that they get from the world around them.

This is something that we started studying 34 years ago

when people didn't think

that infants could engage in social interaction.

In The "Still Face" Experiment what the mother did
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

In The "Still Face" Experiment what the mother did

was she sits down and she's playing with her baby

who's about a year of age.

>> Are you my good girl? Oh, yes.

>> And she gives a greeting to the baby.

The baby gives a greeting back to her.

This baby starts pointing at different places in the world

and the mother's trying to engage her and play with her.

They're working to coordinate their emotions

and their intentions, what they want to do in the world.

And that's really what the baby is used to.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

And that's really what the baby is used to.

And then we asked the mother to not respond to the baby.

The baby very quickly picks up on this,

and then she uses all of her abilities to try

and get the mother back.

She smiles at the mother,

she points because she's used to the mother looking

where she points.

The baby puts both hands up in front of her
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

The baby puts both hands up in front of her

and says, "What's happening here?"

She makes that screechy sound at the mother like, "Come on.

Why aren't we doing this?"

[baby screams]

Even in these two minutes

when they don't get the normal reaction,

they react with negative emotions,

they turn away, they feel the stress of it.

They actually may lose control of their posture

because of the stress that they're experiencing.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

because of the stress that they're experiencing.

[baby crying]

>> Okay.

I'm here.

Tell me what are you doing?

Oh, yes. Oh, what a good girl.

>> It's a little like the good, the bad, and the ugly.

The good is that normal stuff

that goes on that we all do with our kids.

The bad is when something bad happens
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

The bad is when something bad happens

but the infant can overcome it, after all,

when you stop the still face,

the mother and the baby start to play again.

The ugly is when you don't give the child

any chance to get back to the good.

There's no reparation and they're stuck.

>> So what you just saw in the first minute

was who we are as human beings.

That baby is us.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

That baby is us.

And what makes us, us is the resonance

we have with someone significant to us.

The interaction between the baby

and the mother is normal.

That's not unusual, that's normal.

Normal for me is what should be, meaning,

most people don't experience that.

But that's what life would be like

if all of us were experiencing our true selves.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

if all of us were experiencing our true selves.

When the mother turned away,

and then she activated

and then turned back with a still face,

a non-interacting face, she triggered the baby's anxiety,

which is what is the biggest pain,

the biggest problem of the human race is anxiety,

and interesting that anxiety is triggered
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and interesting that anxiety is triggered

by ruptured connection.

Now what you saw here was a miracle in that,

Ed Tronick who's doing this experiment

said to the mother, "Now smile."

You know, go back to the resonance.

And what you saw was a repair process.

And I think that most of us spend

most of our lives trying to get that face to smile again,

to be there with us, to experience that resonance
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

to be there with us, to experience that resonance

because when we're experiencing that, we are connecting,

and that's what we are, connecting.

And when we are not connecting, we're scared,

we're anxious, and then we do defensive things,

all of them to try to get that

original connection restored,

and for most of us, retain.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and for most of us, retain.

And I think that's connected also to nutrition.

That is a part of a...

Some can be a part of the connection,

can also be a substitute for the connection.

But this is the human desire is to have that sense

that you saw in the baby

because what you saw in the baby's face

as a result of connecting was joy.

Joy is us.

Joy is our true primary emotion.

It's not an achievement.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

It's not an achievement.

It's not something you get, it's what you get

when we remove the impediments to joy,

which is anxiety and fear, and restore connection.

That's what you saw in the baby's eyes,

was amazement and joy.

But we lose our capacity to be amazed

and to experience amazement

because of that tenuous thing

called maintaining connection.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

called maintaining connection.

And I want to just add to this idea of connecting that

when we are connecting in our adult life,

what is so tragic is that

we often are having fear at the same time

because all of us have this memory like the baby had

because most of us, most human beings on the planet,

when the caretaker turns away in infancy,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

when the caretaker turns away in infancy,

they do not turn back, or if they do turn back,

they do turn back with a still face.

They do not repair. Parents do not know.

This is another piece of the relational

ignorance of our culture and of the planet.

Parents do not know how significant resonating with

and being in tune to the infant is

for the infant's brain development,

for the brain's coherence and cohesion,

and that how basic coherence and cohesion
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and that how basic coherence and cohesion

is for the sense of wellbeing to exist inside the person,

and for the capacity for joy to be there.

So one of the...

As I said, one of the primary agendas

of most human beings is to get the connection going again,

that original connection to get it started up.

It happens for the first time

for most of us in our late teenage

and early adulthood in the search and find mission
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and early adulthood in the search and find mission

when we fall in love.

You know that experience?

You do?

You know what I mean?

The eyes across a crowded room,

you move like a butterfly to the flame.

Something is happening inside that is so exciting

and you have to have this person.

You know what's going on is that

you're experiencing at that moment

and if that person reciprocates the response,

you are experiencing your original nature.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

you are experiencing your original nature.

Romantic love is a taste of that infant experience

before the fall, before the caretaker turns away.

So you fall in love with somebody who is,

however, very similar to the caretaker in your life

who in some sense ruptured the connection with you

as their connection with their parents

was ruptured by them and by them, by them

for thousands of years in the past.

It is not a bit of human knowledge to know about this.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

It is not a bit of human knowledge to know about this.

And so this person you bring into your life is a person

who will be selected through the prism

of the memory of the interaction with the caretakers.

So they will be amazingly, and sometimes after a while

when you get over it, disgustingly similar to the parts

of your caretakers you had most difficulty with.

It's like, "How did I wind up with this jerk?"
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

It's like, "How did I wind up with this jerk?"

Well, you did!

And you did because the mind appears to be designed

in such a way that it has to repair

and recover the original connection with someone

who is similar to those persons

with whom the original connection was ruptured.

That sucks.

You would think that there could be a better design,

that is when you fall in love

it would be with the perfect person

who will meet all our needs and have none of their own
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

who will meet all our needs and have none of their own

so that we can experience chronic joy

and connecting without any effort whatsoever.

Let me give you a piece of hard reality,

it ain't gonna happen.

So connecting is what happens in romantic love.

We think it's what describes the universe

which is why it describes us that we are a part,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

which is why it describes us that we are a part,

we're all a part of star stuff,

we're all connected,

we are a part of the tapestry of being.

And when we aren't experiencing that, we are anxious,

and then we do stupid things,

like trying to get somebody to do something for us

that we need them to do, yelling at somebody

so that they will stop doing

whatever it is that expresses...

In which they're expressing themselves
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

In which they're expressing themselves

and become a carbon copy of ourselves

to give us what we need.

And we don't even know what's going on.

We don't know that we're trying to recover something

that was lost in childhood.

But this is us that share the common emotion

joyful aliveness, relaxed joyfulness.

So what I want to talk about for the rest of the time

is how to get it back.

Would you like to know?
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Would you like to know?

>> Yes.

>> Okay. So here is the first thing.

You have to have safety.

Not very sexy, is it?

But without safety, nothing happens positively.

Without safety, you will be anxious.

And when you're anxious, you will be defensive.

And when you're defensive, you will interrupt connecting
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

And when you're defensive, you will interrupt connecting

because it was connecting ruptured

that created the anxiety.

So to get the connecting back,

risk the possibility that you lose it again.

So we maintain a sense of status quo of desire and yearning

without satisfaction because of fear.

So it has to be safe.

So we spent a long time figuring out

how can we create safety for couples?
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

how can we create safety for couples?

And then we moved to the question

after we figured that out and we think we figured that out,

how can we create safety for anybody in a relationship

because we're all in relationships.

You know, there's no such thing

as not being in a relationship, maybe after death.

But we're not even sure about that.

But relationship is fundamental
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

But relationship is fundamental

and the philosophical part of me uses the word ontology.

Relationship is being, connecting is being,

connecting is what is.

But to experience that, you have to be and feel safe.

So here's what we discovered

that safety can be created in conversation.

And conversation is the most
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

And conversation is the most

common experience human beings have,

perhaps even more than eating

because we're always talking

if there's anybody in the room.

And sometimes, if they're not, we keep on talking to them.

Have you ever done that?

In fact, sometimes you talk to them with more boldness

when they're not in the room than when they're in the room.

So what is learned is conversation.

And it turns out, Helen and I, my wife,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

And it turns out, Helen and I, my wife,

we've been married now for 31 years, our second marriage.

One of the things that we began to put together

was this technology of conversation.

And I want to share this with you.

We didn't start with this ourselves.

So the first 15 years of our marriage

was less than desirable.

If she were here, she would tell you more of the story

than I would tell you
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

than I would tell you

because I think it was worse than she is willing to say.

We had a hard time.

We went to the lawyers and finally said,

"We're going to divorce."

And at that time, I had just been on the Oprah show

about the 10th time

and was the best known relationship therapist in the world.

I mean, because of Oprah,

you get 20 to 50 million people at a shot with her.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

you get 20 to 50 million people at a shot with her.

So I'm gonna tell you what we ultimately did.

We learned about this idea about safety

because we were engaging in very, very challenging

and painful interactions that

led us to actually call the lawyer

and I'd actually scoped out an apartment.

That's how it closed.

But we said, you know what, at that time

Getting had sold two million copies.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Getting had sold two million copies.

And people were writing us from around the world.

We had trained by that time nearly 1,500 therapists.

We had 20 people on our faculty training.

People were writing us from all over the world saying

thank you for changing our lives, for saving our marriages.

And we'd read these things and say,

"What are they doing we're not doing?"

And what we discovered was they're doing

what we said you have to do.

You know, you can write a book and not read it.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

You know, you can write a book and not read it.

Or you can read it and not do it.

Knowing is not being.

Being is being or being is doing.

So what we did, we gave ourselves some time

and the time was about nine months

and that we would practice the process

we had taught to everyone else.

Isn't that good for integrity?

Walk your talk.

Very simple, walk your talk.

And what we did for nine months
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

And what we did for nine months

was that we engaged in what we call a safe conversation.

The first step of which is mirroring.

Now mirroring is basically deep listening.

It's like you turn off your movie

and you watch somebody else's movie.

And you don't make any nasty comments about it.

You're just listening and you hold this person's words,

their feelings, their soul as they unload that.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

their feelings, their soul as they unload that.

And the more you do, the more you go

through the process of saying,

"Well, let me see if I got that."

"Did I get that?"

Check it out, most of us think if we said,

let me see if I got it, we think we got it.

Most of the time we're about 80% wrong.

It's hard to listen to somebody else's movie

because we're running our own and we prefer our own movie.

Don't you? Prefer our own movie.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Don't you? Prefer our own movie.

And to connect, you have to not only listen to

but move inside your partner's movie

and see it the way they are seeing it.

So you say, "Well, did I get it?"

Then you ask, "Is there more?"

And then you do something like, "Gosh, that makes sense."

Can you imagine saying that to people, "You make sense."

Most of us, if you disagree with me,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Most of us, if you disagree with me,

you don't make sense, I make sense.

"What?

You think that?

Where did you get an idea like that?"

Where did it come from?

Where were you reared?

Oh, that's your South Georgia raising.

That's what they think on the farm."

Validation means, "I see your truths.

And it's your truth and it's different from mine

but it's as valid as mine."

That is a huge transition into connecting,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

That is a huge transition into connecting,

to walk in another person's shoes,

whether it's a partner, whether it's a client,

whether it's your mother, whether it's your child,

whether it's anybody.

That is self-transcendence.

You do not have to spend seven to nine years meditating

in India to transcend yourself.

You have to simply see the sense other people make
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

You have to simply see the sense other people make

and leave it alone, it's theirs.

You see, that makes sense.

And then you can deepen that connection with something like,

"Gosh, and I can imagine when you're having that experience

or what that's like for you,

you must feel glad, sad, joyful, or scared."

You can be empathic with their feelings.

Now I want to say to you, I'm now giving you a technology

that will increase your business.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

that will increase your business.

If you, in the future, listen to the people who come to you

for what you offer as a Health Coach

and you listen to them,

they will become a customer like you've never known.

But if you become the authority who tells them what to do

and what they're still doing isn't making sense

and they're stupid, you will not be able to help them

because you'll trigger their anxiety

and their body will reject what you say

and their minds will go away.

This is a connectional process.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

This is a connectional process.

So that's what we did.

Here's the primary thing that you have to do

when you have a conversation.

You have to be aware of how you look

while you're listening.

And we call it becoming aware of the glare.

Most of us can, we can listen.

I'm staring.

Now when you stare or go into the glare,

your pupil gets smaller.

And when your pupil gets smaller,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

And when your pupil gets smaller,

the person whom you're talking to's brain,

they have an amygdala, a little worm

inside their brain that says, "That person is not open.

So I will regulate what I'm going to say."

And they won't even go through

a thinking process about that.

They will not say, "Oh, that person is not open.

I'm going to be careful what I say."

They would just simply automatically do it.

They will suddenly feel anxiety.

And they then would go into a defense

and they'll regulate their vulnerability.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and they'll regulate their vulnerability.

But if you move from the glare, and eye contact,

this is just so amazing to me.

There's the glare.

If you move to the gaze...

>> Aww! >> Yeah.

You would tell that person anything.

Their pupil is large

and their amygdala says, "Open and safe."

Now if you hear the theme,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Now if you hear the theme,

we have to become safe for our context

or our context will go into

micro to macro anxiety reactions,

create defenses, and create a wall,

and separate from us.

And you can't help anybody who's scared of you.

You can help them become more capable

of defending themselves

but you can't help them move into what we're there to do.

Okay.

So, and now one of the ways
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

So, and now one of the ways

that we teach this to groups of all sorts

is by talking about the first thing online

is that we have to learn to affirm

and appreciate other people, so appreciation.

What is an appreciation?

Well, it's something like, appreciate,

you know, you have a piece of jewelry,

or a car, or a house, or a land,

appreciation means it increases in value.

So I relate to you in such a way that I increase your value
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

So I relate to you in such a way that I increase your value

or I communicate your value to me as a self,

like the other day I was watching Helen

as she was interacting with our grandchildren

and I was just so amazed at

how Helen is like the Pied Piper.

The grandchildren are so enamored

by her total presence with them

that they will simply do anything she says.

They'll draw pictures, they'll, you know, do paint,

they'll tell stories, they'll sit in her lap,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

they'll tell stories, they'll sit in her lap,

they'll hug her, and so on.

So I said to her, "I just love the way

you interact with our grandchildren."

That's an appreciation.

Or I could say to her,

"I just love the way your ear turns right there,

you know, it's like it was carved."

And so now she's aware, she has a earlobe

that's very valuable to me, very beautiful.

So what I'd like you to do, look at that partner

and just in about five seconds see something
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and just in about five seconds see something

that you can increase value of for that person

and say, "I appreciate," and make it specific.

"I appreciate the curve of your eyebrow.

It's clearly an artistic thing you did."

Yes.

So how are you feeling now?

Better or worse?

>> Better. >> Better.

You've received a little more endorphins.

So your blood chemistry has been changed already

and you have a new neuron in your brain.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and you have a new neuron in your brain.

You had a brain change right then with that increase.

Now I wanna go on so what you're experiencing

now is the neurochemistry that's created.

What we have to do

in order to create safety in relationships,

you have to think about all relationships

as having potential.

So here's a garden.

Here's a couple and they want something from the garden.

So they're standing, they're looking at it,

and they say, "I want carrots!"
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and they say, "I want carrots!"

Are they going to get any carrots?

No.

But what if they say, "Oh, wow,

what a beautiful garden this is."

They get carrots.

So what you affirm grows.

What you affirm grows.

What you pay attention to becomes larger.

And you have a choice about what you pay attention to.

You can pay attention to somebody's ugly face,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

You can pay attention to somebody's ugly face,

you can pay attention to their tone of voice,

you can pay attention to the fact that they were late.

You can pay attention to anything

and you can make a big deal out of it.

But here's what happens when you do that,

your blood chemistry, the blood chemistry of the person

you're talking to changes from endorphins to cortisol

and they go into a fear mode.

Here's what happens to you.

Your blood chemistry changes from endorphins to cortisol

and you go into a fear mode

because what you do to another person,

you do to yourself.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

you do to yourself.

And your brain is set up so you can't cheat.

So if you scare other people, you'll create cortisol in you.

If you bless other people, you will create blessings in you.

And it's not a spiritual process.

It's a neurochemical process

that is obviously the base of spirituality.

It is a spiritual process.

Or to put it in other words,

it is a spiritual process with a neurochemical support.

You can't cheat
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

You can't cheat

and make other people awful and feel good yourself.

You will interfere with your own immune system

when you interfere with another person's immune system.

That's how connected we are.

And once we get this,

then we become caretakers, all of us, of the garden

of being in relationship

because whenever we do not care for the garden,

we don't get any carrots...

Nor does anybody else.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Nor does anybody else.

So whatever we deprive others of, we deprive ourselves of.

So...

I like that.

So you can do this with caring behaviors,

we do it with surprises.

Give a person a surprise. High-energy fun.

In imago, we call it high-energy fun,

any interaction that produces a better life

or an orgasm or both at the same time preferably.

And that we've added the 11th commandment,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

And that we've added the 11th commandment,

"Thou shall not criticize shame nor blame thy partner."

But we haven't gotten it into the Bible yet.

But we're working on it.

And now the last thing

that I wanna talk about is negativity.

Now you think all the rest of this may be challenging,

but here's the ultimate challenge,

and this is where we are now in our theoretical work

and our clinical work.

The logical outcome of imago theory

about love relationships

is that if is zero negativity.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

is that if is zero negativity.

That if and Imago therapy, couples therapy,

if you finish therapy...

No matter how long it takes

and you walk away and you put your partner down,

you haven't finished therapy.

Negativity is the disease of the human race.

You talk about the toxins in our food.

Let me tell you another toxin in our human ecosystem,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Let me tell you another toxin in our human ecosystem,

it's negativity.

Negativity is the put down.

That's all it is. But the put down can be what?

You mean that? That's stupid.

To murder...

It's the put down.

It's the devaluation of another person.

It's in some sense saying, "No, don't go in that direction.

You read the map wrong."

You know, you've ever done stuff like that?

I mean, you ever had stuff like that done to you?
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

I mean, you ever had stuff like that done to you?

"You're going to eat that?

You're going to drink that cup of coffee?"

You could say that in a very different way.

Negativity is the disease of the human race.

Now one of the things we have to say about this is,

and I was really pissed to learn this

from the neuroscientists

that they say negativity

is the default mechanism of the brain.

What?

Well, for millions of years,

if you didn't, weren't paranoid,

you could be somebody's lunch.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

you could be somebody's lunch.

So you couldn't imagine

that if you heard twig snap in the forest

that it was somebody coming to make love to you.

They were probably coming because they were ready for lunch,

and you would be lunch.

So the brain, the initial response of the brain is always,

"Is this gonna kill me?"

But we can change the second response to,

"No, it's not going to kill me."

We can change it to a connectional behavior.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

We can change it to a connectional behavior.

And when we do that,

we increase the brain's capacity to function.

So negative is not what you say, it's how you say it.

It's anything that puts another person down.

Now let me define it in another way.

We talk about zero negativity

as the dream of the human heart.

It is the outcome of any successful therapy.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

It is the outcome of any successful therapy.

It is the human dream to live without judgment,

to live without feeling that you're not okay,

to live without worrying if you're gonna ever be okay.

It is the human dream.

So zero negativity, meaning,

100% no negativity

is looking at everyone through the eyes of love...
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

Because if we judge, we cannot love.

Judgment is devaluation.

Love is unconditional positive appreciation.

Those are incompatible modes of being.

This is so simple.

It's like Sunday school

that I'm embarrassed to say it

to a group of highly trained professionals,

but you haven't gotten it yet.
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

but you haven't gotten it yet.

It's like everything

you need to know you learned in kindergarten

but you didn't learn it very well.

I didn't learn it very well.

The put down is the toxin of the human ecosystem.

And Helen and I are committed to removing that toxic.

Global Zero Negativity Day

because zero negativity ends the world,

your world as you now know it, and opens you to a world

you've never known before,

and that world
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

and that world

is a world in which everybody looks at everybody

through the eyes of love.

And that's the way we recover the joy

in the face of that infant resonating with that mother.

It's how we overcome that rupture

in which the baby goes into panic

about the loss of that connection

and can repair and recover that connection.

If we remove negativity from every conversation,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

If we remove negativity from every conversation,

every interaction with everybody

at all times about everything.

That will change your brain

because none of us live

as a non-judger or without being judged.

But it is the human dream, is it not,

to live with that sense of connection

and connecting without fear,

then people can digest their foods well,
WEBVTT
X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:0

then people can digest their foods well,

then people will handle held their children well,

and people will live longer, and they will grow old,

and all of us will be remembered

in a way we can never remember

until we make the great sacrifice to live without judgment.

Thank you very much.