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1
00:00:13,780 --> 00:00:16,382
I'm warning you, Oscar,
2
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,418
you can't go on this way.
3
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:22,087
Working till all hours...
4
00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:27,325
rushing from here to there...
5
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,896
gulping down your meals...
6
00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:36,602
It's not healthy.
7
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,471
Mark my words.
8
00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:42,073
It'll catch up with you.
9
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:58,023
How's your stomach?
10
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,457
It hurts, doesn't it?
11
00:00:59,492 --> 00:01:00,736
No, it's okay.
12
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,738
But what's with the cafeteria
in the middle of a poker game?
13
00:01:02,762 --> 00:01:03,762
It's a buffet.
14
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:04,762
This is a poker game.
15
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,376
And so far, you're
the only winner.
16
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:07,977
Now, come on,
sit down. Let's play.
17
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:08,967
How much do I owe?
18
00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:10,046
I put in for you.
19
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,414
Murray, keep your
hands off of my chips.
20
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:12,971
He doesn't trust me.
21
00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:14,451
Last hand I held worse
than this was my wife's.
22
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:15,475
Give me two.
23
00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:17,820
Felix, we're five grown men.
24
00:01:17,844 --> 00:01:19,489
Why don't you
just say, "Let's eat"
25
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:20,957
instead of playing Tinker Bell?
26
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:22,948
That looks great. I'm out.
27
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:23,993
I'm out.
28
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,228
Where did you get that?
29
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,452
It was a wedding gift.
30
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,653
I used to call Gloria
to dinner with it.
31
00:01:29,689 --> 00:01:31,268
I think I will
have a bite to eat.
32
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,925
If you can get over
there on two broken legs.
33
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,361
I'm out, okay.
34
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:37,707
It's one of nature's laws.
35
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:39,831
Speed gets hot,
everybody gets out.
36
00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:43,235
I see you, I... Ooh.
37
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:44,236
Hey, you all right?
38
00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:45,381
Yeah.
39
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:46,483
Your face looks
as if it's in a vise.
40
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,451
I'm okay! What have you got?
41
00:01:48,475 --> 00:01:50,142
Aces up.
42
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:51,287
Okay.
43
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:54,246
Whew! I think I'm
going to lay down.
44
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,747
Hey, he looks sick.
45
00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:56,748
Ah, he's faking.
46
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,583
He always does that
when he's winning.
47
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,821
No, he's not faking.
48
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:06,057
He folded with a full house.
49
00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:35,280
I just turned it on.
50
00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:36,426
And I just turned it off.
51
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,416
Get back in bed.
52
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,416
You're supposed to be sick.
53
00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:39,617
I feel better now.
54
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,631
You can't feel better.
I called the doctor.
55
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,600
You know how they
are about house calls.
56
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,468
I had to tell him it
was an emergency.
57
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:48,026
Call them back, tell
them you were lying.
58
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:49,062
I feel fine.
59
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,908
It's him. Please,
at least act sick.
60
00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:54,110
I'll never get another
doctor to trust me.
61
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:57,369
Felix, doctors mean a
great deal to you, don't they?
62
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,271
Yes. Now will you get in bed?
63
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,818
Uh-huh, you see, it does hurt.
64
00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:04,075
Oh, I'm all right.
65
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,177
But just so you won't look bad,
66
00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:07,645
I'll give you a pain.
67
00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:21,326
I'm, I'm Dr. Melnitz.
68
00:04:21,361 --> 00:04:23,194
How do you do,
Doctor? I'm Felix Unger.
69
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:24,429
I appreciate your coming.
70
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,199
It must be the patient.
71
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,969
I certainly hope so.
72
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,137
This way, Doctor.
73
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:35,952
Hold it, hold it.
Slow down a second.
74
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,186
I'm not a well man.
75
00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:39,110
I've got a nervous condition.
76
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:41,624
My doctor says I've
got to take it easy.
77
00:04:41,648 --> 00:04:43,214
Your doctor?
78
00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:46,184
Doctors can't have doctors?
79
00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:48,553
Let's just take it easy.
80
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:52,790
Let's see the patient.
81
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,836
Oh, I've been in
sickrooms before,
82
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:06,637
but this is a sick room.
83
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:08,673
Are you sure that this room
84
00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,609
is part of that clean
apartment outside?
85
00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,612
I've been too sick
to clean up, doc.
86
00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:16,614
Where does it hurt?
87
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:17,882
Right here.
88
00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,667
You sure it wasn't on the left?
89
00:05:24,691 --> 00:05:26,725
No. No, it's right here.
90
00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:33,030
Was it a throbbing kind of pain?
91
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:36,000
No, it's a short,
stabbing kind of pain.
92
00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:42,039
You get these pains
before you eat, or after?
93
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,641
Before.
94
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:44,687
Sometimes after, too.
95
00:05:44,711 --> 00:05:46,210
A couple hours after he eats.
96
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:51,783
You tell me when it hurts.
97
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:52,951
This hurt?
98
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,018
No.
99
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:56,321
No.
100
00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:58,590
Would you please wait outside?
101
00:05:58,625 --> 00:05:59,825
Why? What?
102
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,828
Is there something I'm
not supposed to know?
103
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:03,895
I can take it.
104
00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:06,108
I want you to leave the room.
105
00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:07,432
Can you take that?
106
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:08,867
Felix, I'm the patient.
107
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,936
If it's anything fatal,
it's me he'll keep it from,
108
00:06:11,971 --> 00:06:12,982
remember?
109
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,172
Oh, yeah. Oh.
110
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:17,542
I'll, I'll be right outside
if you need anything.
111
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:25,816
Well, Doctor?
112
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:27,352
You know the air is
113
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:29,754
completely different out here?
114
00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,222
How is he, Doctor?
115
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,323
I can't say for sure
116
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:34,325
until he comes
in for further tests.
117
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:37,495
I told your friend that he may
have the beginnings of an ulcer.
118
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:38,796
No!
119
00:06:38,831 --> 00:06:40,265
No?
120
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,667
You may be right.
121
00:06:42,702 --> 00:06:45,036
At this point, your
guess is as good as mine.
122
00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:48,484
Oh, and one other thing.
123
00:06:48,508 --> 00:06:52,510
I won't make another house
call unless he cleans his room.
124
00:07:17,637 --> 00:07:21,305
Just in the nick of time.
125
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,486
Are you trying to
commit suicide?
126
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:24,609
No, but you will be
127
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,511
if you ever do that to me again.
128
00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,113
I just phoned Dr. Melnitz.
129
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:31,382
Your tests definitely show
the beginnings of an ulcer.
130
00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:32,383
Good.
131
00:07:32,418 --> 00:07:34,252
It's a thrill to know
what you're dying of.
132
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:37,722
That's my lunch.
133
00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:38,723
No!
134
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,091
This is your lunch.
135
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,562
Milk to coat the lining.
136
00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:46,564
Creamed corn.
137
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:47,666
Strained spinach.
138
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,079
And applesauce.
139
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,537
Felix, that's baby food.
140
00:07:52,572 --> 00:07:53,538
I know what it is. I bought it.
141
00:07:53,573 --> 00:07:54,884
Well, then you
also ought to know
142
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,141
that I'm not going to eat it.
143
00:07:56,176 --> 00:08:00,578
Oscar, you have the
beginnings of an ulcer.
144
00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:02,224
That's your body's
way of saying to you,
145
00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:03,214
"Be good to me, Oscar.
146
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:05,161
Treat me gently or I'll
make you pay for it."
147
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:09,153
My body's beginning to sound
an awful lot like my ex-wife.
148
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,022
No.
149
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:12,101
Try it.
150
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,725
You're out of your mind.
151
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,026
Mmm... mmm!
152
00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:18,207
It's delicious. Try it.
153
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,275
I'll try it, if you promise
154
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:20,443
to leave me alone afterwards.
155
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,432
Open the doors.
156
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,368
Open the doors?
157
00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:31,687
Hey!
158
00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:33,678
Are you Oscar Madison?
159
00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:35,146
That's right. Who are you?
160
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,293
I'm McClosky, Louis
Sanchez' trainer.
161
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:40,029
Did you write, "Sanchez
moves with all the grace
162
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,664
of a three-legged elephant"?
163
00:08:41,688 --> 00:08:42,798
It's a great line, isn't it?
164
00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:43,933
Listen, you wouldn't know
165
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,969
a three-legged elephant
if it stepped on you!
166
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:47,136
Can you hold this down a bit?
167
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,459
Mr. Madison is having his lunch.
168
00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,862
Who's he, your nanny?
169
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:51,930
Felix, stay out of this.
170
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,299
Listen, you got a complaint,
get yourself a crayon
171
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,833
and write a letter
to the editor.
172
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,914
It's guys like you that give
the fight game a bad name.
173
00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:59,204
Want to help the fight game?
174
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:00,772
Get your boy into
another racket!
175
00:09:00,807 --> 00:09:01,851
Aah!
176
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,586
Maybe he'll become
a sportswriter.
177
00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,142
Oh, very funny!
178
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,078
Out, out, you bum!
179
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,547
Stubborn, pigheaded man.
180
00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:10,749
Oh, he's a creep.
181
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:11,828
You!
182
00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:13,295
This whole office is filled
183
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:15,198
with such disorganization
and tension.
184
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,166
That's the reason
you've got pain.
185
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,289
No, Felix.
186
00:09:18,324 --> 00:09:20,058
You're the reason I have pain.
187
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,471
The whole point in these
cases is to avoid excitement.
188
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:25,096
I think we should cancel
our date with the girls tonight.
189
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:26,275
They're very exciting.
190
00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:29,167
Felix, the kind of
excitement the girls give me,
191
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,468
I can live with.
192
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:32,370
The kind of
excitement you give me,
193
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,172
I'm not very sure.
194
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,706
Good-bye, Felix.
195
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,575
Good-bye!
196
00:09:38,879 --> 00:09:40,456
I sense you're in no mood
197
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,000
to discuss this intelligently.
198
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:46,530
Drink your milk,
it's good for you.
199
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:55,227
Here we go.
200
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:57,329
We do have neighbors.
201
00:09:58,297 --> 00:09:59,976
We can only have a short one.
202
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,744
We're working girls, you know.
203
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:02,878
Anything you say, but I thought
204
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:04,313
it'd be better to
have a drink up here
205
00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:05,302
than in that crummy bar.
206
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:06,515
I like bars.
207
00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:08,472
They're so plastic.
208
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,775
Yeah, come on in, come on in.
209
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:14,445
Hmm, this room has
definite possibilities.
210
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,758
Sit down, sit down.
What'll you have?
211
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,749
A double scotch on the rocks.
212
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:19,784
A vodka martini, and no olive.
213
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:20,930
Unless it's dietetic.
214
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,464
I've been watching my figure.
215
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:24,989
So have I.
216
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,994
Felix, that's a double
scotch on the rocks
217
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,630
and a vodka martini
with a dietetic olive.
218
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,009
Will you get the
drinks for the girls
219
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:34,243
while I get to know them better?
220
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:37,835
Will you get the drinks
for the girls, Felix?
221
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:40,015
What do you think of the place?
222
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:42,807
I'd say this room
does have possibilities.
223
00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:44,275
Wouldn't you, Marilyn?
224
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,221
It has a lot more possibilities
225
00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:47,824
since you girls got here.
226
00:10:49,115 --> 00:10:51,983
I read the most interesting
book in the world last week.
227
00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:53,651
Lust in the Suburbs.
228
00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:55,319
You read that book?
229
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,821
Every filthy word.
230
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:59,156
Party time.
231
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:00,157
My martini!
232
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,403
Yes, with a dietetic olive.
233
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:02,393
What's this?
234
00:11:02,428 --> 00:11:03,761
It looks like milk.
235
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:05,174
You're having milk, Oscar.
236
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:08,066
I feel like a lush
drinking liquor
237
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,812
while you're drinking milk.
238
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:14,039
Well, here's to a great evening.
239
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,942
Oh, are those ladyfingers?
240
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,310
Mm-hmm, I don't suppose
241
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,012
you'd want one with a martini?
242
00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:22,328
No, thanks.
243
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:24,949
They go great with milk.
244
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:27,030
Remember the part
in Lust in the Suburbs
245
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,497
where the pilot puts the plane
246
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,122
on automatic
pilot... I made them.
247
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,357
Yes, it's good.
248
00:11:33,392 --> 00:11:34,525
The ladyfingers.
249
00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,205
You know, the
part where he walks
250
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:39,263
in the passenger section
just with his raincoat.
251
00:11:39,298 --> 00:11:40,631
You made them?
252
00:11:40,666 --> 00:11:41,699
Mm-hmm.
253
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:44,468
I didn't think anybody
made ladyfingers.
254
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,204
Oh, there are a few of us left.
255
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,706
What time is it?
256
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:49,707
What time is it?
257
00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:51,754
It's early, that's
what time it is.
258
00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:53,823
Felix, I want some more milk.
259
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,624
Would you come in the kitchen
260
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:56,692
and show me how?
261
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,060
He sure must like milk.
262
00:11:58,084 --> 00:11:59,149
Excuse me.
263
00:11:59,185 --> 00:12:00,885
I guess you could get hooked
264
00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:02,286
on anything nowadays.
265
00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:03,654
What are you trying to do to me?
266
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:04,734
What, what, what?
267
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:05,723
I don't want any milk.
268
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,592
I'm out there. I'm
pitching my heart out.
269
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:09,827
I've got them talking
about Lust in the Suburbs.
270
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:10,961
You know what that means.
271
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:13,698
You blow it all
with ladyfingers!
272
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,166
I didn't mean... Look, look.
273
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:17,568
Look, you're doing it to me.
274
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,604
I don't want any
milk, I want affection.
275
00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:20,605
The minute I know
276
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,973
whether it's gonna be
yes or no with Marilyn,
277
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:24,275
my stomach will be okay.
278
00:12:24,310 --> 00:12:26,310
So stay out of the
way with your recipes.
279
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:27,465
Shh.
280
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:32,884
Where's your milk?
281
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,162
I decided against it.
282
00:12:34,186 --> 00:12:36,265
Two glasses, I
turn into an animal.
283
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:39,557
I dig lies.
284
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,692
They're so plastic.
285
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,806
Yeah, where were
we in our discussion
286
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,396
about Lust in the Suburbs?
287
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:48,032
You certainly have
a one-track mind.
288
00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,045
I'm talking about literature.
289
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:52,281
But I'm thinking
about your neck.
290
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,371
Mr. Madison, I hardly know you.
291
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:57,408
Yeah, but what do you say
we get better acquainted?
292
00:12:59,545 --> 00:13:01,278
What is it, Felix?
293
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:02,625
Oscar, this is
wrong. It's wrong.
294
00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:03,615
Look at you.
295
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,160
You're holding your
stomach with one hand,
296
00:13:05,184 --> 00:13:06,629
you're reaching for
her with the other.
297
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,786
It's partially your
fault, too, you know.
298
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:09,787
Mine?
299
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:10,922
Yes, Oscar is sick.
300
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,334
And the suspense is killing him.
301
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:13,390
Felix!
302
00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:14,904
No, we're going to
settle this once and for all.
303
00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,205
You're the one who
mentioned uncertainty.
304
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,828
Felix!
305
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:19,975
You can save Oscar a lot
of pain if you'll tell him now.
306
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:21,332
Tell him what now?
307
00:13:21,367 --> 00:13:22,367
Yes or no.
308
00:13:22,401 --> 00:13:24,502
We better get out of here.
309
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:26,771
Oh, wow.
310
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:30,875
You guys are really smooth.
311
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:33,444
Why don't you put
a sign on the door...
312
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,079
"yes or no, check one."
313
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:42,386
A girl likes a little sweet
talk first, you know.
314
00:13:42,421 --> 00:13:46,023
I mean, it's plastic,
but we love it.
315
00:13:50,229 --> 00:13:51,362
Felix?
316
00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:55,066
If I could take my
hands off my stomach,
317
00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:56,901
I'd strangle you.
318
00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,214
I was only trying to help.
319
00:13:59,238 --> 00:14:00,672
Yeah, thank you...
320
00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:03,274
Ooh... Felix, the
philanthropist.
321
00:14:03,309 --> 00:14:05,154
Oscar, what am I supposed to do,
322
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,389
watch my best friend
destroy himself?
323
00:14:07,413 --> 00:14:09,659
Put yourself in my
hands for one week.
324
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:10,683
No way!
325
00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:11,794
One week,
326
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:14,852
and I guarantee
you'll be able to chase
327
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,721
all the girls you want.
328
00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:19,857
Felix, you drive a hard bargain.
329
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,666
One week, Oscar.
330
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,169
One peaceful and serene week.
331
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,371
An afternoon with Brahms.
332
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,439
You'll love the concert.
333
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:38,509
Gliding on the lake
with no distractions.
334
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:45,350
Sorry, Oscar, you
know our bargain.
335
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,151
No distractions.
336
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:48,753
Now isn't this relaxing?
337
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:50,922
A leisurely stroll
before dinner,
338
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:52,023
then a nice nap.
339
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,158
You can forget all your troubles
340
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:59,197
and sleep... sleep... sleep.
341
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:13,944
What are you doing now?
342
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:17,014
Just trying to raise your
feet higher than your head.
343
00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:19,751
So that you won't have
any strain on your heart.
344
00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:24,656
This whole week has
been a strain on my heart,
345
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:27,492
to say nothing about
my morale and my libido.
346
00:15:27,527 --> 00:15:30,628
You haven't had an attack
all week, now admit it.
347
00:15:30,664 --> 00:15:32,096
I admit it, I admit it.
348
00:15:32,131 --> 00:15:34,599
What time are the
guys coming for poker?
349
00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,445
We're not playing poker tonight.
350
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:37,868
What is it, Christmas Eve?
351
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:40,015
I just don't want
you to get excited.
352
00:15:40,039 --> 00:15:41,550
You promised me a
whole week, didn't you?
353
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:42,851
I've got one more day to go.
354
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:44,175
Felix... ooh!
355
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:46,777
You see, even the
thought of poker is more
356
00:15:46,812 --> 00:15:48,723
than your stomach can tolerate.
357
00:15:48,747 --> 00:15:50,848
You mean the guys aren't coming?
358
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:53,062
They're coming, but
we won't play poker.
359
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,129
We'll have fun.
360
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,665
Don't you think it will
be fun to have company?
361
00:15:56,689 --> 00:16:00,357
Company? That bunch can
be called a lot of things, Felix,
362
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,260
but company's not one of them.
363
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:04,909
They're here.
364
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:11,602
Hey, everybody.
365
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,238
Felix, we all rode here
in Murray's squad car.
366
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:15,518
Yeah, I was off-duty.
367
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,653
I thought I'd give
the guys a thrill.
368
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:18,909
Good evening, fellas.
369
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:20,344
Hiya, fellas.
370
00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:22,280
Hi, Oscar.
371
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,315
Hi, Oscar, you, uh...
372
00:16:24,351 --> 00:16:25,450
Yeah! Fine. I'm fine!
373
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,717
What's with the music?
374
00:16:26,752 --> 00:16:28,019
He didn't die, did he?
375
00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:30,621
No, no, Oscar's ulcer
is just great, isn't it?
376
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:31,700
You mean to tell me, I left
377
00:16:31,724 --> 00:16:33,302
a perfectly unhappy
home to come to this?
378
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,926
As your accountant, I'm
happy you got an ulcer.
379
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:37,495
Doctor bills are deductible.
380
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,664
I always thought that only
sensitive people got ulcers.
381
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:41,665
Thanks a lot, fellas.
382
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:42,900
Shut off the music, Felix?
383
00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,113
Okay, let's get started.
384
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,603
Where are the cards?
385
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,516
You can't expect me
to shuffle my fingers.
386
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,540
No poker tonight.
387
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,552
What? Are you kidding?
388
00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:53,077
Your friend Oscar
happens to be very sick.
389
00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,378
Now we can play poker
390
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,380
and we can get
Oscar all excited,
391
00:16:56,415 --> 00:16:57,748
or we can sit around and talk
392
00:16:57,783 --> 00:16:59,495
and help him on
the road to recovery.
393
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,896
Oh, Felix, will you...
394
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,187
Now, what's it
going to be, fellas?
395
00:17:03,222 --> 00:17:04,989
Poker or Oscar's good health?
396
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,035
Oscar's good
health. Oscar's health.
397
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:08,859
Right.
398
00:17:08,894 --> 00:17:09,593
Speed?
399
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,595
I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
400
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,898
All right, we won't play poker.
401
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,466
But just for tonight!
402
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:17,868
Felix, I promise not
to get over-excited.
403
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,436
No poker.
404
00:17:19,471 --> 00:17:21,616
What's the matter with sitting
and talking for a change?
405
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,053
You mean, talk like
one of those talk shows?
406
00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:25,487
Get the cards. We'll
draw for emcee.
407
00:17:25,511 --> 00:17:27,044
Everybody let's form a nice
408
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,946
conversational
group around Oscar.
409
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:30,547
You'll see, it will be fun.
410
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:31,660
Murray, come on in.
411
00:17:31,684 --> 00:17:34,018
You sit right down
here on Oscar's right.
412
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,064
Speed sits there.
413
00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:36,420
Vinnie, on Oscar's left.
414
00:17:36,455 --> 00:17:37,700
That's nice, no, Vinnie
415
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,056
no, Roy, you sit there.
416
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,302
That's it, good, good.
417
00:17:40,326 --> 00:17:41,437
Vinnie, get a chair.
418
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:43,093
Good! Now isn't this fun?
419
00:17:43,129 --> 00:17:44,928
Speed, you start.
420
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:46,808
What will I talk about?
421
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:48,199
Anything you like.
422
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:49,266
Oh, yeah.
423
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,068
When I was about ten years old,
424
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:54,005
I was in this game with
some of the older fellas
425
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,007
and I was drawing
to a full house.
426
00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:58,276
I didn't have no money.
427
00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:00,010
Speed, change the subject.
428
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:01,724
You said I could
talk about anything.
429
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,892
Anything but poker.
430
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:06,250
Well, then I got
nothing to talk about.
431
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:10,854
You don't have to
raise your hand, Murray.
432
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,723
If you want to talk, talk.
433
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,825
I thought this
would be interesting.
434
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:17,694
I was writing up a guy for
jaywalking the other day
435
00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:18,896
when, all of a sudden,
436
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:21,832
this girl comes
driving by in a car
437
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:25,369
and I swear she didn't
have any clothes on.
438
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,504
You're kidding.
439
00:18:27,539 --> 00:18:29,106
No, no clothes.
440
00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:30,318
I'm sorry, Murray, no girls.
441
00:18:30,342 --> 00:18:32,387
Those are the two
subjects... No girls, no poker.
442
00:18:32,411 --> 00:18:35,146
Just a little too exciting
for Oscar's stomach.
443
00:18:35,181 --> 00:18:38,015
Then what else is
there to talk about?
444
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,790
Would anyone be interested
445
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:48,459
in how I got rid
of our crabgrass?
446
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,360
Get the cards, Felix.
447
00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:51,962
Roy, how about you?
448
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:55,166
I'm sure we'd all be interested
in what happened at work.
449
00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:57,168
Wouldn't we, fellas?
450
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:59,236
Oh, sure, yeah.
451
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:01,071
Well, um... oh!
452
00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:05,776
We finally got our
new L.M.X. Tabulator.
453
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:06,944
It's green and blue.
454
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,146
The old model was
a dull steel gray.
455
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:11,193
The new model is
a pretty little baby
456
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:12,749
and it goes like the devil.
457
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,421
The tabulator
key stuck at first,
458
00:19:17,456 --> 00:19:19,690
but the company sent out a
man to fix it within an hour.
459
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:21,703
It was just a little adjustment.
460
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,527
Now, it goes like the devil.
461
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,297
Yeah, you know, we got
462
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,400
a brand new L.M.X. electric
typewriter at the station.
463
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:31,079
You ought to see
Sergeant Romero on it.
464
00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:32,982
I'll tell you, he can
get out those reports
465
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,217
in half the time it took
him on the old typewriter.
466
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:36,440
Have you seen them?
467
00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:38,520
All the letters are
on a little metal ball,
468
00:19:38,544 --> 00:19:40,578
you see, and it
stays in one position,
469
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:43,447
but it spins around to
give you the letter you want
470
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,416
and it goes like the
devil... you know...
471
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:47,519
Right, right.
472
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,288
Where are the cards, Felix?!
473
00:19:51,323 --> 00:19:52,423
Where are the cards?
474
00:19:52,458 --> 00:19:53,636
I hid them.
475
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:55,259
Then I'm getting out of here.
476
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:57,372
I can't take this
craziness anymore.
477
00:19:57,396 --> 00:19:58,774
Tabulators and crabgrass
478
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,809
and...
479
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:02,867
I want my freedom!
480
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:09,306
Oscar, we're going to have
icebox cookies and milk later!
481
00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:11,775
Did you ever?
482
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:18,716
Oh, honey, come here.
483
00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:20,128
I want you to see this hitter.
484
00:20:20,152 --> 00:20:22,319
Come here.
485
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,521
Here's the situation.
486
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:28,024
Jones, who has been
nursing a three-nothing lead...
487
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,271
Hello, Oscar.
488
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:32,396
How did you know where I was?
489
00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:35,566
You said you
wanted your freedom.
490
00:20:35,601 --> 00:20:38,402
Freedom to you means
either a hot tamale
491
00:20:38,437 --> 00:20:40,181
or a night baseball game.
492
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,250
The Mets are out of town.
493
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,373
Oh, look, honey!
494
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:43,685
Didn't I tell you he
was a beautiful hitter?
495
00:20:43,709 --> 00:20:45,743
What a clean, beautiful hit,
496
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:46,910
I tell you!
497
00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:48,679
That's poison!
498
00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:51,715
You want to kill him?
499
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:54,518
No comprende inglese.
500
00:20:54,553 --> 00:20:58,588
Honey, mas tamales, mas tacos.
501
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:00,724
Mucho mas tacos. Go.
502
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:03,961
I suppose you realize the reason
503
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:06,797
Mexico has never become a
world power is because of their food.
504
00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:10,034
Look.
505
00:21:10,069 --> 00:21:12,002
Open the door...
506
00:21:13,172 --> 00:21:15,005
All right, Oscar, go ahead.
507
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,074
If you want to burn a hole
508
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,820
through the lining of
your stomach, go ahead.
509
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,722
Those beans will
form a cement block
510
00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:22,357
in the bottom of your stomach.
511
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:26,261
Sure, now the game's
getting exciting, isn't it?
512
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,686
Start a little acid
flowing over those rocks.
513
00:21:28,721 --> 00:21:30,332
You'd love that, wouldn't you?
514
00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:32,356
Acid on the rocks.
515
00:21:32,391 --> 00:21:35,493
Oscar, your body is a time bomb.
516
00:21:35,528 --> 00:21:37,394
Pretty soon, boom!
517
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:40,731
Felix, my body was
never a time bomb
518
00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:42,132
until you moved in.
519
00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:44,768
You, Felix, are the reason
for the pain in my stomach.
520
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,269
Oh, I'm the reason
521
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,650
for the pain in your stomach.
522
00:21:48,674 --> 00:21:50,341
Don't start pouting.
523
00:21:50,376 --> 00:21:53,043
Can't you take a little
criticism without pouting?
524
00:21:53,078 --> 00:21:54,045
I'm not pouting.
525
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:55,046
Oh, yes, you are pouting.
526
00:21:55,081 --> 00:21:56,446
You know how I
know you're pouting?
527
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,447
You're not nagging.
528
00:21:57,483 --> 00:21:59,116
When you're not
nagging, you're pouting.
529
00:21:59,152 --> 00:22:01,664
So it's out in the
open now, isn't it?
530
00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:02,920
I guess so.
531
00:22:02,955 --> 00:22:05,267
Are you saying what
I think you're saying?
532
00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:07,424
Oh, yes, I'm saying
what you think I'm saying.
533
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:09,103
What do you think I
think you're saying?
534
00:22:09,127 --> 00:22:11,428
You know what I think
you think I'm saying.
535
00:22:11,463 --> 00:22:14,698
Well, you've made
it perfectly clear.
536
00:22:14,734 --> 00:22:18,035
Tomorrow, I'll pack my bags
537
00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:20,037
and I'll leave.
538
00:22:36,322 --> 00:22:38,756
Another meal like that last one
539
00:22:38,791 --> 00:22:41,826
and you'll turn your
body into a time bomb.
540
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:45,763
Pretty soon you'll...
I know... boom!
541
00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:53,337
Not that I care anymore, Doctor,
542
00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:54,671
but how is he?
543
00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:57,842
If he doesn't
explode, he'll live.
544
00:22:57,877 --> 00:23:00,211
Well, I'm all packed.
545
00:23:02,548 --> 00:23:03,548
Good-bye.
546
00:23:03,582 --> 00:23:04,615
Good-bye.
547
00:23:04,650 --> 00:23:05,794
You're leaving?
548
00:23:05,818 --> 00:23:08,418
I don't stay where
I'm not appreciated.
549
00:23:08,454 --> 00:23:10,421
Do you want me
to appreciate you?
550
00:23:10,456 --> 00:23:12,156
All right, I appreciate it.
551
00:23:12,191 --> 00:23:13,890
You gave me an ulcer, okay?
552
00:23:13,926 --> 00:23:15,659
You pick up a loaded tamale,
553
00:23:15,694 --> 00:23:17,428
you point it at your stomach
554
00:23:17,463 --> 00:23:20,130
and you accuse me
of pulling the trigger.
555
00:23:20,165 --> 00:23:22,266
You drove me to that tamale!
556
00:23:22,301 --> 00:23:23,868
You and your nagging!
557
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:26,070
That did it.
558
00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:28,305
I'm leaving.
559
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:30,752
Personally, I think it
would be a mistake
560
00:23:30,776 --> 00:23:31,820
for you to leave.
561
00:23:31,844 --> 00:23:33,855
Obviously, he's
what they call...
562
00:23:33,879 --> 00:23:35,523
In medical terms... a yeller.
563
00:23:35,547 --> 00:23:37,325
A yeller has got to have someone
564
00:23:37,349 --> 00:23:38,393
to yell at.
565
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:39,962
Think I should stay?
566
00:23:39,986 --> 00:23:41,563
I do, if you behave yourself.
567
00:23:41,587 --> 00:23:43,265
Don't be over-careful with him.
568
00:23:43,289 --> 00:23:44,321
That's up to Oscar!
569
00:23:44,356 --> 00:23:47,758
Why is it always up to Oscar?
570
00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:50,727
Look, Felix, look.
571
00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:53,163
I know you're
only trying to help
572
00:23:53,198 --> 00:23:55,310
and, well, I do appreciate it.
573
00:23:55,334 --> 00:23:59,903
I... I certainly
appreciate that...
574
00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,338
that you appreciate it.
575
00:24:01,373 --> 00:24:02,717
Oh, I'd appreciate
it a little more
576
00:24:02,741 --> 00:24:03,885
if you didn't nag me so much,
577
00:24:03,909 --> 00:24:06,287
but, well, I do
want you to stay.
578
00:24:06,311 --> 00:24:07,678
I want to stay.
579
00:24:07,713 --> 00:24:09,546
Good, then you'll both try
580
00:24:09,582 --> 00:24:12,850
and I'll tell you what
I'd really appreciate.
581
00:24:12,885 --> 00:24:15,151
Anything, Doctor,
you've been such a help.
582
00:24:15,187 --> 00:24:16,487
I want you to both promise me
583
00:24:16,522 --> 00:24:18,889
that, if this trouble
ever occurs again,
584
00:24:18,924 --> 00:24:21,324
that you won't waste a minute,
585
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,259
that you'll pick up the phone,
586
00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,596
and call another doctor.
587
00:24:45,084 --> 00:24:47,684
Hey, congratulations.
588
00:24:47,719 --> 00:24:48,685
What for?
589
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:49,953
Two weeks without pain.
590
00:24:49,989 --> 00:24:50,954
Hey, that's right.
591
00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:51,955
We're gonna celebrate.
592
00:24:51,991 --> 00:24:52,956
You know what
we're going to have?
593
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:53,957
What?
594
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:55,436
A little light cream soup
to coat the stomach,
595
00:24:55,460 --> 00:24:56,740
and then filet of sole veroni...
596
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:58,461
Got a pain? No.
597
00:24:58,497 --> 00:24:59,462
What, what? No.
598
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:00,508
Something I said? No!
599
00:25:00,532 --> 00:25:01,498
What is it?
600
00:25:01,533 --> 00:25:02,813
Dr. Melnitz' bill!
38406
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