All language subtitles for Cheers.S07E19.The.Gift.Of.Woody.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS

Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

All right, I'm gonna say it,
and I don't care who knows it.

Every since Reagan
left the White House,

this country has gone
to heck in a handcart.

Here we go.

Heads.

Ha-ha.

Damn.

All right, Cliff, seeing
as how I'm your best friend,

I guess you better tell me
what the problem is.

Ah, you're only asking me
'cause you lost the toss.

No, he's only your best friend
because he lost the toss.

Eh, fine, here,
go ahead and laugh.

Yeah, go ahead
and laugh.

We'll see how funny
you think this is.

( laughing )

Oh, as you you may
have guessed,

this is a hybrid cross between
a rutabaga and a beet.

What are we calling it?

Beetabaga.

Cliffie, I don't want to
poke holes in this thing,

or even touch it,
actually,

but really, I mean,
how useful do you think

this is going to be?

Are you kidding, Norm?

This is a perfect
vegetable

for kids who hate
rutabagas but love beets.

Oh, and there must be, what,
dozens of those, right?

CLIFF:
Exactly.

Fills a long
felt need, Norm.

That's why those faceless
bureaucrats in Washington

are trying to steal it
away from me.

Which reminds me.

Uh, I got an affidavit here
I'd like you all to sign

saying that, uh, Clifford Clavin

is the inventor
of the beetabaga.

Cliffie...
You got a pen?

Cliff.
Yeah?

Remember when, uh,
you asked me to tell you

if you were going off
the deep end?

Yeah.

Well, don't come up too fast,
buddy, you'll get the bends.

Norm, Norm,

you know, I usually go
along with you, but, uh...

I am really on
to something here.

Cliffie, does this
sound familiar?

( sputtering )

( piano plays )

� Making your way
in the world today �

� Takes everything you've got

� Taking a break
from all your worries �

� Sure would help a lot

� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �

� Sometimes you want to go

� Where everybody
knows your name �

� And they're
always glad you came �

� You want to be
where you can see �

� Our troubles
are all the same �

� You want to be where
everybody knows your name �

� You want to go
where people know �

� People are all the same

� You want to go where
everybody knows your name. �

Whoa, Woody, you look
like a million bucks.

Well, you're way off, Sam.

I got the sweater for $19.95,

I got the pants for 25 bucks

and I got the socks at
a yard sale for 40 cents.

What's the occasion?

Well, they were
selling the house,

trying to get rid
of some old socks.

No, Woody, I meant why
are you all dressed up?

Oh, well, uh, the corporation's
having a big lunch

and my girlfriend's dad
is going to be there.

Oh, so in case
you bump in to him

you want to look
good, huh? Whoo.

Yeah, he makes me
so nervous.

It took me an hour
to figure out

what to wear this morning.

Yeah, you know, I have
that problem, too.

You only have
three suits.

Yeah, but I have
five ties.

Sam, can you help me
to get my hair

to do what yours
always does.

Sure, I don't think

that'd be
a problem there, Woody.

Okay.

( dryer whirs )

Now, you don't know what
your PH level is, do you?

Oh, hi, Mr. Gaines.

Woody...

now that
you're dating my daughter,

I suppose
we should take some time

to be a little more friendly.

Therefore,
I'd like to invite you

to Kelly's
birthday party this Friday.

Oh, thanks,
but you didn't have

to come all the way down here
and tell me in person.

Well, I keep thinking if we
spend more time together,

see each other face to face,

I'll learn what the attraction
is for my daughter.

Nope.

I'm an enigma.

I have just about had it up
to here with this corporation.

Hey, everybody,

here comes
the broken record.

I get invited to my first
power lunch meeting

and nobody even notices me.

As usual, I am just ignored.

But I finally figured out why.

I am just too
darned attractive.

Guys really hate that.

You know, the problem
is that everybody

just sees me
as a sex kitten.

I hate that.

I think I need to find
a new role model.

If only I knew one
successful career woman

with an image that invites
no sexual appeal whatsoever.

Another
decaffeinated ice coffee,

black as you can make it.

Lilith, I love the way you look.

Which is it?

The radiant

glow of impending motherhood,

or the 20 pounds of water

I'm retaining
in my fingers and ankles?

Lilith, Lilith,
I love the way you dress.

I admire your style.

Do you
think that

um, you could help me develop
a more business-like appearance?

I'd love to, Rebecca.

And may I say
it's about time you asked.

There are two

approaches a woman can take

in turning her look
to her advantage.

The first is to play upon
the male sexual drive

and turn yourself
into an object of desire.

I have opted for the second.

What's that?

Scaring them stupid.

I like it.

So, Woods, what did Mr. Big
want to talk to you about?

He still sweating you out
about seeing his daughter?

I bet he offered you
a couple of thou

to keep your mitts off
the airhead to the throne.

NORM:
Don't you
do it, Woody.

Money is no substitute for
the love of a good woman.

Now real estate, especially
in today's market...

No, no, no.
You guys are way off base.

I didn't think Mr. Gaines
liked me either,

but he just invited me
to Kelly's birthday party.

NORM:
Ooh, well,
that's great.

Well, you know, you're
going to have

to get her a present, Wood.

I know, Carla.
I'm prepared for this.

And I'm not just giving
her any present,

but the gift
that makes us all

a little bit happier
to be alive.

The gift of laughter.

( chuckling )

How, uh,
how so, Wood?

I'm giving her The Really Big
Book of Dutch Humor.

( laughing )

See, it works.

Woody, you know,
everybody at the party

is going to be richer than God.

If you walk in there and
show them a stupid book

full of tulip jokes,

they're going to laugh
in your face.

That's kind of
the idea, Carla.

Woody, I think Kelly might
be used to gifts

a little bit more expensive.

Well, then why did
the father invite me?

He knows I can't
afford anything ritzy.

Well, maybe that's
his plan, Woody.

Maybe he wants to humiliate you
in front of Kelly's friends,

so she'll be too embarrassed
to date you anymore.

Maybe I won't even go.

Maybe I'll just stay home this
weekend and work on my hair.

Sam?

Yeah.

I could help you out.

You know, you got a wave there
that's just going to waste.

Say, Woody, Woody.

Before Mr. Jacques
combs you out...

...could you come here?

Woody, you're giving up
too easily.

You see, I'm sure you have
plenty to offer Kelly.

Like what?

Well, how 'bout
a gift from the heart?

Something which
no rich man can obtain,

upon which no price
can be set.

Great idea, Dr. Crane.

I can't tell you actually
what to do of course,

but I can relate a story
from my own experience.

I remember when I was
courting a certain beauty,

I wrote her a poem.

Of course, it was no great
piece of literature,

but it did express
my feelings honestly.

I recall reciting the last
lines while we were

sitting in front of the fire,
basking in our love.

"Your lips are the flame
that consumes me

and the candle
that lights my way."

Frasier, love.

Yes, dearest?

I've never heard that
drivel before in my life.

I wonder whose lips those were.

( indistinct conversations )

Wow, Kelly,
that's beautiful.

Come on, Uncle Val, I know you.
What's the gag?

Look inside.

Yeah, a new Mercedes!

Thank you.

Well, that looks
like that's it.

What say we all go outside

and have a look
at some of Kelly's new cars?

Wait, everybody.

Woody hasn't given me
his present yet.

Oh.

That's right, Kelly.

Uh, could you
come stand over here?

I'd like to sing you

a little song
I wrote for you.

Now I should tell
you right up front,

that I'm not really
a professional singer.

I'm more of a vocal stylist.

The song, Woody.

Oh, right.

( plays sweetly )

� Kelly, my darling,
you are my sunshine �

� When we're together
I feel fine �

� Your smile is so lovely,
your hair is so clean �

� You make me feel that
the whole world is mine �

� Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly �

� Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly �

� K-E-L-L-Y

� Why? Because you're
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly �

� Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly

� Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly of mine �

( soft applause )

� Mine, mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine �

� Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine,
mine, mine, mine, mine. �

( song ends )

Oh, Woody, that was beautiful.

You really liked it?

Oh, I liked it
more than anything.

Thanks.

So, where's my gift?

Woody, I think you ought
to lay off.

How many have you had?

Eleven.

11 beers?

11 sips.

Well, that's...

that's plenty, Woody.

You know, booze is no way
to handle any problems.

I just can't get over that Kelly
made a fool out of me

in front of all
those people.

So you just left, huh?

What else could I do?

I told her my present
was out front and ran off.

Don't worry about it, Wood.

It happens to all of us.

Really?

Did Mrs. Peterson ever
make a fool out of you

in front of other people?

Yeah, there was that time she
pulled the old "I do" gag.

I just never expected
this from Kelly.

I'm really mad at her.

She's just a rich...

a rich...

I'd like to call her
a nasty name,

but I can't think of anything
that rhymes with rich.

You know, Woody, you're better
off dumping her.

Rich people stink.

I hate them.

I hate their soft shoes...

the way they're too relaxed
to sweat.

You know what I hate most about
rich people?

I'm not one of them.

Yeah, Carla, you sweat
like a longshoreman.

Woody, I think you ought
to give her a second chance.

I mean, Kelly doesn't know
what she's doing here.

She was born rich.

All her school friends
are rich.

You know, maybe she just
can't imagine someone

who can't afford
something expensive.

Did you explain it to her?

What's the use?
I don't care anymore.

Don't be bitter.

I'm not bitter, Sam.

I'm just consumed
by a gnawing hate

that's eating away at my gut

until I can taste the bile
in my mouth.

Well, I guess I am a little
bitter.

Either that or I'm coming down
with something.

Does anybody have a Tic Tac?

( knocking )

Where's Rebecca?

In changing.

I'm helping her
remake her image.

We're planning to crash
the power lunch

going on right now
at Melville's,

to show those executives

what a real, no-nonsense
businesswoman looks like.

What does she look like?

Miss Howe?

Oh, a man.

Carla, stop
interrupting.

Lilith is trying to teach me how
to be a hard-ass businesswoman.

The pretzel man wants
to see you.

You talk to him.

He scares me.

You look wonderful, Rebecca.
Thank you.

Can you breathe in that thing?

I'm a little constricted.

Perhaps it's the tight collar.

Or the ace bandage strapped
around my breasts.

Well, they interfered with
the line of your jacket.

What do you think, Carla?

Well, turn around.

Bind her butt, too.

Are you ready

to sock it
to the old boy's network?

I am!

Too much inflection.

I am.

I am proud of you.

Geez, two Liliths.

This is like a nightmare
I had once.

You, too?

Well, that cuts it.

The whole world's against me.

What's the problem, Cliffie?

Oh, those boneheads down
at McDonald's

refuse to consider the obvious
commercial value

of Mcbeetabaga burgers.

For God's sake, are you
still going on about

your stupid vegetable?

It's not my vegetable, Norm.

It belongs to the whole world.

Aren't you vegetable enough
for the world?

Now you are going
to be doubting

on the other side
of your mouth pretty soon.

You know, I went
home last night

and fooled around in
the kitchen a little bit,

and I came up with some
mouthwatering morsels here.

Come on, who's going
to be the first

to try some of these goodies?

We have beetabaga brittle,

beetabaga burritos and that
little taste of Cairo,

beetabaga fajita in a pita.

How about a beetabaga
barf bag?

I'd like to try one.
May I?

Sure, you certainly may.

You certainly may.

A man with a sense of adventure.

Here you go, sir.

Mm.

Oh, this is delicious.

Yeah, yeah?
Not too chalky?

No,

I really like the unusual
aftertaste.

Yeah, that'll stay with
you for a couple of days.

Now listen up down there.

This fine gentleman can
teach you something.

You know, I plan
to tell the people

back where
I work about these.

Oh, hey, hear that?

And I should know
something on the subject,

as I not only have a degree
in agriculture,

but I'm also a graduate
of the Cordon Bleu.

The man is an expert.

I'm also an astronaut.

Wow.

Next week I'm going to be
the Queen of Spain.

Hey, uh, Fras, could you use
another patient?

Oh, Cliff, you're harmless.

Yeah, there's only
one thing left to do.

I'll just take this
to the public.

Beetabaga fajita on a pita?

No habla espanol, senor.

Woody, are you okay?

I was afraid something awful
had happened to you.

Yeah, well, maybe it did.

I kept waiting for you to come
back to the party,

and at first I just figured
you'd gone out

on to the front lawn and got
lost, like last week.

But now I know something's
wrong.

I'll tell you what's wrong.

I don't have a gift for you.

So why don't you just leave?

Okay, Woody, if that's
what you want.

No, wait, Kelly.

It's not what I want, but you
have to understand something.

I'm just a poor working guy.

Could we go someplace and talk?

I can't leave now.

Why not?

I have a job.

I know, I think
that's so cute.

I don't work to be cute.

I work to make money to live.

The cute part just happens.

Don't you understand?

I'm trying, Woody.

There are some gifts you
can't put in a box

or hold in your hand.

Kelly, the song was my gift.

Oh, I get it, the song is
a riddle, right?

And if I can figure it out

it'll tell me where you've
hidden my gift.

I think we're just
too different.

I don't think we should see
each other anymore.

Really?

Really.

I guess there isn't anything
else to say.

Well, I'm sorry, man.

But what were you
supposed to do?

You know, run out
and empty your savings,

hock everything you own, spend
every penny you ever earned

just to buy her a silly
little piece of jewelry?

Sam, that's a great idea.

No, Woody.

And I always thought
I was the smart one.

( grunting )

How'd it go?

Well, not bad.

If I choose to accept
their offer,

you're looking at
the new vice president

in charge of
the Eastern Seaboard.

She's lying.

I'm the vice president
of the Eastern Seaboard.

Now I am the Eastern Seaboard.

What a view!

( playing note on piano )
� Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly

� Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...

Hi, Kelly.

Happy birthday.

I thought you never wanted
to see me again.

Oh, that was just a joke.

You know my crazy Dutch humor.

Here.

Oh, Woody, you didn't have to.

Oh, it's a pendant.

It's a little opal
surrounded by sand.

Those are crushed diamonds.

I like it.

Where's the chain?

Well, I'll have that for you
in another 18 easy payments.

Well, let's go
get it now.

We'll take my new Lamborghini.

It only has
three miles on it.

We can't go get it now.

I don't have any money.

Oh, we can just stop by your
automatic teller on the way.

Kelly, when I say I don't
have any money,

I don't have any money.

Nothing in my shoe,
nothing under my mattress.

Nothing.

You take all the money
in all the world

and get rid of it

and that's how much
money I have.

Wait a minute.

You can't afford this, can you?

That's why you've
been so upset.

Now I understand.

It's like when Daddy wanted
to buy Shell Oil and couldn't.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

You know,
this is really sweet,
but I can't accept it

if it's going to hurt you.

Thanks, Kelly.

I feel really bad about this.

No, I'm the one.

You see, I just wanted
to give you something

that nobody else could,

and I know I couldn't compete
with your friends

when it came to expensive stuff,
so I tried that dorky song.

It was pretty.

The tune or the words?

The words especially.

Good, 'cause I sort
of ripped off the tune.

I liked it.

Well, gee, there is one other
thing I wanted to give you,

and maybe it's even
better than the song.

No one else in the world has it.

What's that?

Just...

I love you.

You're not going to say
"where's my gift," are you?

Oh, Woody, you make me
feel so ashamed.

Your gift makes all those
others seem so cheap.

Look, Kelly, you're the best
girl in the whole world.

And to think that
for your birthday

I was going to get
you a Porsche.

Talk about shallow.

All you really need is to hear
me say that I love you, too.

Woody?

Woody?

I'm sorry, did you say
something after Porsche?