All language subtitles for Cheers.S06E13.Woody.For.Hire.Meets.Norman.Of.The.Apes.DVDRip.XviD-SAiNTS

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Hello.

Carla, what are you doing in?

You're not due in
for another hour.

I had to get out of my house.
It was a zoo.

Serafina took the hedge clippers
to the shag carpet.

Little Lotte unplugged
the refrigerator

to see if frozen peas
melt faster than ice cream.

Gino made a volcano
for a science project

in the microwave.

And on top of
everything else,

me and Eddie had a big fight.

Oh, geez, what about?

He had the nerve to say I don't
know how to control my kids.

( phone rings )

I don't know.
We just

WOODY:
Hello. Cheers
can't seem to see

eye to eye on the right way
to discipline 'em.

Carla, it's for you.
( sighs ):
Oh...

God...

Hello.

I thought we settled this.

No, you definitely
cannot hit him.

No, you cannot lock
him in the closet,

and you absolutely
cannot wash

his mouth out
with soap.

Anne-Marie, you untie
your stepfather right now!

( piano plays )

� Making your way
in the world today �

� Takes everything you've got

� Taking a break
from all your worries �

� Sure would help a lot

� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �

� Sometimes you want to go

� Where everybody
knows your name �

� And they're always glad
you came �

� You want to be
where you can see �

� Our troubles
are all the same �

� You want to be where everybody
knows your name �

� You want to go
where people know �

� People are all the same

� You want to go where
everybody knows your name. �

( phone rings )

( clears throat )

Cheers.

Yeah, hi, Carla.

( Carla laughing maniacally )

Bye, Carla.

Hey, what was that about?

Uh, it's just... Carla
reminding us it's her night off.

Normie, you, uh...
you ever feel

like we're getting
in a little rut here?

How do you mean, Cliff?

Well, every day, we come
into the same bar,

sit on the same stools,
drink beer, night after...

I mean, there's got
to be something

a little bit more
to life.

Cliffie, for
the last time,

I am not changing
barstools with you.

Well, I, for one,
applaud your desire

to shake things up a bit, Cliff.

Sometimes I think

I'd give anything for a change--
no matter how slight--

in this deadly,
unvarying routine of life.

What can I get
you, Dr. Crane?

The usual.

So, Sam, uh,
anything

interesting in the corporate
newsletter there?

Oh, well, let's see here.
Uh... yes.

Did you know that the, uh,
corporation that owns this bar

purchases one percent of all
the string made in America?

( murmuring )

Whoo! My blood
pressure, Sam, please.

Aw, come on, guys.

There must be something
going on in our lives

that we can talk about.

Well, Norm, what
did you do today?

Well, I just about finished
the first coat of paint

at Cliff's apartment.

Oh, yawns all around.
Next?

Oh, I got a ticket this weekend.

Oh, Woody, we're not
that desperate.

Ah, speak for yourself.
Parking or moving?

Parking, but it was
my own fault.

I, uh... I let the meter run out

while I was watching them film
Spencer for Hire.

( all talking at once )

REBECCA:
What?

Spencer for Hire?
That's my favorite!

Was Robert Urich there?

Oh, yeah.
It's his show.

And you saw him?

Oh, my God!

Oh, eh, well,
Normie over here's met him.

You lie!

What's he really like?

Well, you know,

he just sped past
me in his BMW,

but he seemed like a
real courteous driver.

You know,
I've heard that about him.

Oh, would... ( scoffs )

would you stop it?

I mean, the guy puts
his pants on one leg at a time

just like everybody else.

Why is everybody so gaga
over actors? ( mutters )

Hold it, hold it.

I'm still picturing him with his
pants down around his ankles.

( grunts )

So, Wood, how long
did you watch them film?

Till some guy came
up and put me in one
of the crowd scenes.

Now, wait...
You were in a
scene with him?!

( squealing ):
I can't believe it!

Woody!

Whoa! You're going
to be on national TV?

Weren't you nervous?

Oh, yeah, I was,
until I talked to Mr. Urich.

You talked to him?

I'm dying!
What did he say?

He said it was a cold day.

( gasps ):
And what did you say?

I agreed with him.

Ooh, good move.

Then I loaned him
my gloves.

Yeah? What'd he say?

Thanks.

Oh! Can't you

just hear him?

You know, the truth is
I know how you feel.

I felt the same way
about Haley Mills...

when I was 12.

When weren't you 12?

Hello, ladies, can I help you?

We're here about
the book club.

Oh, you probably
have us confused

with the public library.

Happens all the time.
It's two blocks down.

This is Cheers, isn't it?
SAM:
Oh, yes.

But there's
no way...
Excuse me. I'm Rebecca Howe.

You must be Mrs. Miller.
MRS. MILLER:
Yes.

We're here to make
the final arrangements

for our Sunday night
meetings.

Great. Well, let me
show you the back room.

I hope everything
suits your needs.

Yoo-hoo! Uh, Miss Howe, can I
speak to you for a minute?

( clears throat )
Uh, you go on ahead,

and I'll join you
in just a minute.

What is... what is this
about a-a book club?

Ever since I
arrived here,

I have been
desperately trying

to upgrade the
clientele in this bar.

We will upgrade
some other night.

Sunday is the night that we have
our weekly pool tournament.

You said it.
That's right.

Well, just have
your pool tournament
another night.

Oh, right!
( laughs )

( chuckling )

Like we can, uh, rearrange
our schedule here. Right.

Well, what about
Monday night?

Yo, guys, we got a lady
right off the boat here,

doesn't speak any English.

Tell her what happens
Monday night, will you, please?

GUYS:
Football!

How about Tuesday?

Darts Night.

Wednesday?

Well, recovery
from Darts Night.

Thursday's Poker Night.

Friday's a night
to howl.

And, uh,
Saturday night
is Date Night,

so, uh, where does
that leave us?

Horny on Sundays.
Yo.

The book club will meet
here on Sunday, period.

Miss Howe?
SAM:
Oh, come...!

We have a few questions.

Of course.
FRASIER:
Say, excuse me.

I don't mean to be rude,

but, uh, do you ladies
comprise a book club?

Yes, that's right.

Well, the salon
of the '80s.

You know, it's encouraging
to meet a group of adults

who still read
in this day and age

rather than pay homage
to the great god, television.

I can't tell you how
heartened I am...
Excuse me.

I have a cigarette
going back there.

Of course.
MAN:
Hey, Woody,

when you were on the
set there, you see
any famous actresses?

Huh?
No.

What about all the drug stuff
you hear

about in show business--
see any of that?

No.

There's a lot of that

juicy backstabbing

going on on the set?
No.

Hey, guys, you got to hear
these stories.

Yeah.

So, uh, Normie,
you think you'll be,

uh, through, uh, painting
my apartment tomorrow, or what?

Yeah, I'll finish
up tomorrow.

Can you have a,
uh, check ready
for me, Cliff?

Well, I'll, uh...
give you one now.

Uh, okay, pay to the order
of Norman Peterson...

one zillion dollars!

( laughter )
There you go!

Buy yourself a yacht,
young fella.

Cliff, uh,

you are going to pay me
for this job, aren't you?

Hey, Normie, look, you, uh,
didn't charge me last year

when you painted Ma's house,
did you?

Well, that was before
I was a professional.

Oh, I'll say. We never did get
those windows unstuck.

NORM:
Cliff, I finished
half your place.

I'll be happy to
come by and finish
the rest of it, okay?

I'd appreciate a check.
If you've got a problem

with that, why don't we work out
a payment schedule right now?

Look, uh, Norm,
money is not a problem.

You know that. It's just,
uh, well, I'm not a cheap man.

Oh, a statement I'll wager
has never been uttered

by anyone but a cheap man.

Look, Norm, if I knew you were

going to charge me for all this,

I would've demanded
a better job.

Now, I've been
letting you slide, buddy.

If you think
the work is so worthless,

just finish it yourself, Cliff.

Well, uh,
not that I couldn't.

I mean, it doesn't exactly take
a Phi Beta Kappa

to stick a brush in a bucket,
slap it on a wall, does it?

I mean, any monkey
can do that, huh?
Oh, yeah,

as opposed to the high level
of skill and precision it takes

to shove a postcard
through a slot.

( chuckles )

That's enough, enough,
okay, enough, Normie.

I'm, uh, waiting
for an apology.

Fine. I'll drop it in the mail.
That way, you'll never get it.

( laughter )

Well...

I certainly don't have to
stand here and take that.

Mm, good news, everyone.

I've found a way
to make him leave.

You'll rue this day, my friend.

I am going to make
a laughingstock out of you

in front of your whole
pseudo-profession.

Very Joan Crawford.

( knocking on door )

( TV playing low )

Oh, glad you guys
could make it.

Hey, wipe your feet there,
would you?

Hey, Mr. C., uh, what time's
the game start?

Oh, any minute now,
there, Woody.

Hey, look at this place.

So this is what
you finally picked out, huh?

CLIFF:
Oh, yeah.
Was it everything

you'd thought it be,
there, Sammy?

No, no, I like it.

( laughter )

Well, you know,
I've been meaning

to have you guys over here
for a while now.

I want to take
this opportunity to, uh,

make a public apology
to my pal Normie here.

I got out of line
a little bit,

uh, the other night
in the bar,

and, uh, I just hope you can,
uh, find it in your heart

to forgive me, there, Norm.

Don't worry about it.
I said some stupid things, too.

All right!
Hey, hey, see
that apple

in the underwear
commercial there?
Yeah.

He played a doorman
in my Spencer for Hire.

Oh, yeah?

Talk about range.

You know, it's actually
a good paint job, Cliff.

Oh, yeah, thanks, there, Normie.

You know, I, uh... you know,

I thought I could do this
by myself,

but, uh, when I started,
I realized

that I needed somebody
with your specialized skills

and talents, eh...

Well, well, takes a big man

to admit that, Cliff.
Ah...

Glad you appreciate the
value of professional labor.

Oh, yeah,
I sure do, uh...

Listen, if you guys don't mind,
I'd like to introduce you

to the, uh, skilled artisan
who did this fine work.

( all muttering )

Yeah, he's in the, uh, bathroom
over here, finishing up.

Uh, hey, Duane, come out here.

( wild laughter )

( cackling )

( phone rings )

Cheers.

Oh, hang on a second.

Mr. Peterson,
it's Mr. Clavin.

Come on, now,
it's been a whole week.

Maybe he wants

to make up.

Take a message.

Can I take a message?

Okeydokey.

What'd he say?

( chittering
like a monkey )

( laughter )

What are you
doing, there?

Miss Howe put moi
in charge of refreshments

for the book club.

Well, yeah, but
what are those?

Finger sandwiches.

You know, the part
that takes

the most time is getting
that middle knuckle right.

Woody, they don't
actually have to
look like fingers.

Yeah, right, Sam.

Boy, it hardly feels
like a Sunday

without a pool cue
in my hand.
Yeah.

Why don't we go
to Old Town Tavern,
shoot some stick?

No, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What, are you kidding?
Tonight happens to be

Woody's big debut
on Spencer for Hire.

Can't imagine what
it's going to be like

to see, uh, somebody
we actually know

up on that TV screen.
Yeah.

Well, Norm, I'm-I'm
loathe to chide you

for your short memory,
but I appeared on the tube

just a few short weeks ago.

Oh, well, yeah,
Frasier, uh,

no offense, but a bunch
of do-gooders sitting around

jabbering about
a nuclear freeze
is one thing.

We're talking
prime time
cop show here.

Evening, ladies.

I'm really excited

about you being here.

The rest of your group's
already in the back.

Oh, thank you
very much.

It should be
a special evening.

Tonight, we're discussing
English agrarian life

before the Reform Bill

as portrayed
in Elliot's Middlemarch.

Would you care
to join us?

You know, actually,

we were just discussing
that at the bar,

and I'm a little
burned out on it.
Oh.

WOODY:
Miss Howe?

I put the tea
and the lemonade

in the back for the ladies,

and, uh, these
are ready for you.

Thank you, Woody.

Woody, when I said
I wanted finger sandwich...

These look delicious.

Excuse me.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm missing something
in my tea.

All right, uh,
lemon here? Sugar?

A touch of brandy.

Ah. Well, all right.

There you go.

Don't be shy.

Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Hey, hey, everybody.
My Spencer for Hire is on.

( clamoring )

Woody, when's
your big scene?

It's hard to tell.

You know, in television,
we shoot out of sequence.

I wonder if you might
have a little gin back there.

Gin, in a bar?

Uh... whoa!

It's your lucky day.
There you go.

Thank you.

See, I've had this cold.

That's, that's the
street I was on!

That's my scene!

PATRONS ( chanting ):
Woody! Woody! Woody!

There I am!
Where?!
Where?!

Where are you?

There! Right there
in the corner!

That's a fire hydrant.

No, no, right next to it.

That's my sleeve!

Woody, we can't see your face.

What?! Don't you
recognize my shirt?

That distinctive
plain white one?

All right, well,
now it's gone

to commercial.
You missed it.

Oh, Woody,
you telling me...?

That's it?!
MAN:
Hey, you know,

lots of people
have white shirts.

And arms.

How do we know

you were even
on the show, Woody?

Of course I was.

Oh, you got to believe me.

NORM:
Oh, yeah,
I bet that's you

driving the little chuck wagon
right now, huh?

( dog barking on TV )
Yah! Yah!

No, no, no. I swear.

I met Robert Urich
and everything.

Yeah, Wood, let us know
when your pants

are on Dallas.
( clicks remote )

WOMEN:
� What shall we do
with a drunken sailor? �

� What shall we do with a
drunken sailor �

� What shall we do
with a drunken sailor �

� Earl-aye in the morning?

� Hey-oh, up she rises

God, not again.

� Hey-oh, up she rises,
hey-oh... �

What the hell is happening
to our book club?

I think it had
something to do

with that last
round of margaritas.

( glass breaking )

( women screaming )
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

That does it!

I am putting a stop
to this right now.

No, let me handle this.
You're not used to

dealing with those rowdy
book club types.

Sam, this is my bar.
I am in charge.

All right.
I am perfectly capable
of restoring order.

You are so cute
when you're macho.

Hey, Woods.

I'm just curious, um,

did a lot of other shirts
audition for that role?

Hey, Woody,

there's an article in here
that says your shirt

is now dating
Morgan Fairchild.

But she says
they're just friends.

Come on, guys.

I'm telling you,
I really did do it.

Sure thing, Woody.

( phone rings )

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Robert Urich.

Yeah, yeah, this is
your old pal, Woody.

Oh, well, I thought

your performance
was wonderful tonight, too.

Yeah.

( chuckling ):
Yeah.

What? Oh, uh, yeah, that shirt?

Yeah, I-I picked it out myself.

Uh, Sears, I think.

Yeah, okay, well,
thanks for calling.

I'll see you around the studio.

( chuckles )
All right, bye.

See?

How could we have
ever doubted him?

Boy, do we have egg
on our face, huh?

( women jeering )
Go on!

( booing )
SAM:
Boy you sure, uh...

you sure taught them
a lesson, didn't you?

By the way, what,

what do they do
with a drunken sailor?

Malone?

Get in there.

Oh, so you do need me, huh?

The right man for the job.

No, no, no.
You don't understand.

They asked for you.

They did?

Yes, they said,

"Send in..."
( mumbles )

Did you hear that?
What did you...?

Could you say that
slower, please?

"The tall hunk
with the rippling rump."

And you automatically
thought of me.

Isn't that interesting?

Would you just get them
out of here, please?

I will ripple them
into submission.

Are you catching that?

( humming a ditty )

Said the monkey
to the...

Hey, guys.
Hey.

Hi, Cliff.
Hey, where's your monkey?

Oh, no, it's
not my monkey.

I just rented him
to play a little,
uh, joke on Normie.

Good one, huh, Zippy?

Yeah, it gets funnier

every time
you mention it, Cliff.

It was funny
when you sent me over

that crate of bananas,
really funny when you

started having my mail
addressed to "Cheetah."

( all laughing )

Particularly hilarious when you
sent over the organ grinder.

You know, Cliff, you just keep
getting funnier and funnier.

You get any funnier,
I may have to kill you.

Ho! Ho! ho! Ho!

( women shouting )

That's it, call the cops.

What are they doing?

They're grabbing me,
teasing me,

making fun of me, and...

stuffing money down my shorts.

Hey, small bills, too.

That's great.

( chanting ):
Fresh meat!

Fresh meat!

WOMAN:
Send in
the young one!

Fresh meat!
Fresh meat!

( whistling )

Say, is the, uh,
book club still meeting?

( chuckles )
After a fashion.

Oh, well, good.

You know,
I dropped by the office

and dug up an old paper
I wrote when I was an undergrad.

I was always rather proud of it.

So I thought I might
share it with them.

Frase, I don't think
you understand

what's going
on back there.

Oh, Sam, you're hardly one

to condescend to me.

Oh, ladies!

( women cheering )

FRASIER:
Good God!

Please! I'm a doctor.

( women whooping )

Good night.

Bye-bye.

Good night.
Good night.

Thank you.

WOMAN:
Good night.

( hums "What Shall We Do
With a Drunken Sailor?" )

FRASIER:
20...

40. Yeah. Not bad.

Not bad
for a night's work.

You got for...
I only got ten.

Well, Sam, perhaps
you didn't, uh,

shake it until they
couldn't take it.

( laughs )

Now, let me see.
Where are my keys?

Oh, that's right.

I was using them
as castanets.

What are you doing, Woody?

I'm wringing my hands
with guilt.

Oh.

I don't think I've actually
seen that before.

Why?

I told a terrible lie
to the guys, Sam.

Oh, you mean about
being on that TV show?

No, no, that
was true, but...

I got a telephone call,
and I pretended it

was Robert Urich
on the other end.

I mean, I-I didn't hurt
anybody or anything.

Although your-your plumber
seemed a little confused.

Well, I'm...

Don't worry about it.

I'm sure everyone
will forgive you.

But it was a lie, Sam,

and I've never
told a lie before.

What?
No, no, wait.

That's a lie.
I-I've told lies...

See, now,
that's two lies.

See how much
easier it gets?

Oh, my God, I'm
out of control.

What's next? Murder?

No, no, hey,
Woody, Woody, Woody...

Woody, Woody.

Looks like the old
pool tournament

is out again
for next week.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah?
Fancy that.

Well, did you tell Norm?

When he hears that,
he'll go ape.

( chuckling )

Cliff, your delivery of jokes

is as bad as your
delivery of the mail.

Oh!
Oh!

Mighty Joe Young
strikes back there.

How'd you become
a mailman anyway?

What, did you flunk
out of tollbooth school?

( laughing )

Hey, all right, now,
that's a good one.

Yep.

Know why, uh, dogs hate mailmen?

They just want to be
like everyone else.

( laughing heartily )

All right, that's it.
It's go time.

Okay, fellas, this is the guy
I've been telling you about.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

No, come on! Come on! Come on!
Cli... Look at yourselves, here.

Cliff! Cliff,
this is your friend, Norm.

Norm, this is your buddy, Cliff.

You don't want
to do this.

Now, do you?

All right, all right!
Hey, whoa!

Somebody help me here,
man, will you?

Hey, stop! Hey, stop it, now.

Listen, I...

You guys have been
friends for years.

Think of all the things
you've done together.

You, you...
Drinking beer together.

And I'm sure there's
a lot of other stuff, too.

Hey, you know,

you're partly at fault here.

You made fun
of his profession,

and you refused
to pay him.

And you, Norm...

Actually, you didn't
do anything at
all, did you?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you let me hold him,
and you biff him one?

I don't know, Sammy.

I just want this
to be over with.

Yeah, me, too.

( sighs )
Well, I'm sorry, Norm.

Just... make out a bill,
and I'll pay it.

I'll give you that discount.

All right, uh, I...

I guess that monkey stuff was
a little bit out of line, huh?

It was actually pretty
funny, but... ( chuckles )

It's a small man who can't laugh
at his own profession, you know?

Yeah.
I just want to let bygones
be bygones, all right?

And the important
thing is we're just...
still friends, hmm?

You mind, guys?

Oh, oh, no, sorry, sorry.

Hey, hey, come on.

( both grunt )

Yeah, Normie, I'm, uh,

I'm sort of sorry about
everything that happened.

Oh, well, Cliff,
I'm even sorrier

for what's
about to happen.

Huh? What do you mean?

( laughing )

You're dead meat, Peterson!

Let's go shoot
some stick.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Bob, how are you doing?

Fine. Look, I was
just passing by,

and I wanted
to return your gloves.

Thanks for letting
me use them.
Hey, my pleasure.

Listen, could you
hang on a second?
Sure.

I got some friends
you'd love to meet.

Yeah.

Miss Howe?

You'll never
guess who's here.

Bob Urich.

Woody, it's been
a horrible night.

I'm really not in
the mood to be teased.

No, no, it's the truth.
He's really here.

Woody, go away!

She's a big fan of yours.

Hey, guys!
( billiard balls
breaking )

Bob Urich's here.

MAN:
Oh, sure, Wood.

Who's he with,
Liz Taylor?

You're not, are you?

No.

Look, uh, Woody, uh,
we were shooting late,

and I'm having
a few people over.

You want to come by?

You bet.

Yeah, come on.
Great.

The car's
right outside.

Could you hang on a second?
I want to check here.

Sure.
Hey, Sam, uh...

Yeah?
Robert Urich's here.

Uh, he wants me to go
over to his house.

Can I leave?

Woody, Woody, Wo...

All right, yeah,
whatever you say.

Great, we're out of here.

Good night.

No.