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1
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(MIMICS TRUMPET MUSIC)
2
00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,759
- Cuckoo?
- I beg your pardon?
3
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:25,155
Someone's just heard the cuckoo.
4
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,316
It's the middle of June!
5
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,954
Well, this is in Newcastle.
6
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,635
Ah! They've reported my speech
on prison overcrowding.
7
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,796
I take it you're FOR it!
8
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:45,952
- Good God, what on earth is this, Mrs Purity?
- That's your breakfast, Giles.
9
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:48,469
Breakfast? It's uncooked oysters.
10
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:54,550
- One hardly expects oysters cooked.
- One hardly expects oysters for breakfast at all!
11
00:01:54,760 --> 00:01:59,197
Yesterday it was red peppers!
Good God, what's that bloody man doing now?
12
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,356
Bringing in the main course?
13
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,597
He's doing what he's paid for - his gardening!
14
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,030
But why does he always stare in like that?
15
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:10,198
- (BANGS ON WINDOW)
- Open it, Mrs Purity!
16
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,948
- He is bagged.
- Oh, yes, Blott. Thank you very much.
17
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,230
Damn man, always prowling around!
18
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:33,150
I don't like him. He's foreign, his teeth
aren't nice and he doesn't behave like a servant!
19
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,670
I suppose he's not obsequious enough for you?
20
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:42,230
Bloody man thinks he owns the place!
Mrs Purity, take this vileness away!
21
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,674
Put it back, Mrs Purity.
22
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:52,919
That is not breakfast. Kedgeree is breakfast.
23
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:57,159
Porridge and kippers are breakfast.
Oysters are never breakfast!
24
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:02,036
- Eat them, Giles. They're good for you.
- Good for me? Good for my what?
25
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:07,792
They say that oysters
really make a man a man.
26
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:12,198
Ah, that's it.
This fodder is supposed to make me randy.
27
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:17,793
I don't want to be. I want to read the "Times"!
So take it away and bring me a soft-boiled egg!
28
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:24,993
Very well, Giles. I shall go out into the garden.
29
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,078
- You do, dear.
- To squash some slugs!
30
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:30,236
Really?
31
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,908
Tomorrow's breakfast, by any chance?
32
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,594
All right, Giles Lynchwood!
33
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:37,111
All right, Giles.
It's about time we had this thing out!
34
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,595
Pardon? What thing out?
35
00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:42,193
Sex!
36
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,789
Sex, Giles. Sex!
37
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,389
- Maud, I'm reading the obituaries.
- Sex!
38
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,433
Look, we've been through this
many times before.
39
00:04:51,640 --> 00:04:54,200
We've never been through it once.
40
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,595
Most men would be avid for it.
41
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,194
I was brought up as a gentleman, Maud.
42
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,516
(SHE SIGHS)
43
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,915
- Get up, Giles.
- Pardon?
44
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:13,714
Come over here and look out of this window!
45
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,878
- What do you see?
- That bloody man again!
46
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:23,277
Nature in its profusion,
the procreative cycle at work.
47
00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:27,189
- Why doesn't he do the rose garden?
- It should be full of children.
48
00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,710
- You put up fences to keep them out.
- OUR children!
49
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:34,799
The Handyman family have lived
over Cleene Gorge for 500 years.
50
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,912
Building houses
of ever-increasing hideousness.
51
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:42,272
And I have every intention
of seeing Handymans here for the next 500.
52
00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:44,994
No doubt you find me very romantic.
53
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,554
No.
54
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,320
I refuse to end my days as a childless widow!
55
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:53,113
Widow?
56
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:58,633
Giles, to be honest, I don't care whether you live
or die. The important word is "childless".
57
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:02,230
- I want an heir!
- Isn't there enough to look after as it is?
58
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,559
When we married
there was a clear understanding.
59
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:10,276
A business arrangement. One would hardly like
to sully it by dragging sex into it.
60
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:15,395
The arrangement was you should be the father
to my children. I'm not getting any younger!
61
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,797
- No, you're not.
- I'm nearly 40. It'll soon be too late!
62
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,630
Giles, I expect you
to do your duty by me here and now.
63
00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,908
- Here and now?
- Here and now!
64
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:31,238
- These things should happen naturally.
- Ha! Evidently not with you!
65
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:36,798
I haven't forgotten our honeymoon.
I realise you have your own peculiarities.
66
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:40,151
- Little tastes.
- I want to breed!
67
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:47,830
No, I'm not inclined. I'm going to London. The
House is sitting. Urgent parliamentary matters.
68
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:52,033
- I'm sure Parliament can wait...
- No, the country must be governed!
69
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,959
I refuse to go to my grave
as the last Handyman.
70
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,630
How can you avoid it?
If we had children, they'd be Lynchwoods.
71
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:02,435
No, they wouldn't.
I'd change their name by deed poll!
72
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:08,117
There will be no children by this marriage.
That is final.
73
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,400
- That's your last word?
- It is!
74
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:16,759
Then I shall take steps
to divorce you immediately.
75
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,193
You shall be hearing from my solicitor!
76
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,190
- (DOOR SLAMS)
- Yes, dear.
77
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:31,077
Blott! Where are you?
78
00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:42,909
(RINGING TONE)
79
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:49,479
Mrs Forthby? It's Sir G.
80
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,433
- Oh, Sir G!
- Are you alone?
81
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,517
Of course.
82
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,915
And what are we today?
83
00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:58,954
Guess.
84
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:01,196
A nice nanny, a Girl Guide?
85
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:04,870
No, you might say, erm...
86
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:07,036
Mediterranean harlot.
87
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,471
Marvellous. And what are we wearing?
88
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,357
I'm not telling you.
You come up to London and find out!
89
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,036
Ohh!
90
00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:53,710
Mediterranean harlot. Ho-ho-ho-ho!
91
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,598
Oh, dear...
92
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:13,590
(BLOTT) Well, I drive to Worford.
When I get there, you make shout, OK?
93
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,395
Only tell me where to go
and for you, I go there. OK, lady?
94
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,556
Exactly, Blott.
95
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:32,919
Solicitor... What means that, solicitor?
96
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,350
Solicitor means...
97
00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,393
Solicitor means trouble, Blott.
98
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,795
Oh. Trouble.
99
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:43,636
Very nice.
100
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:48,152
You know, Blott, you're still a mystery to me.
101
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,076
You to me also.
102
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,794
I know that you were a refugee.
103
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,630
I know my father found you when he was
in the army and brought you here to be gardener.
104
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:03,277
- What a kind man!
- But he never told me anything.
105
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,036
What are you, Blott?
106
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,674
German? Italian?
107
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,235
Polish? Czech?
108
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,910
Once I am in Scotland,
but that does not mean I am Scottish.
109
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:20,231
So many questions. "What is your accent?"
I have accent? It is not accent.
110
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:25,356
Is speech defect. Accent is quite other thing.
111
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:30,478
"Are you from east, from west?"
I am here. This is enough.
112
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:34,195
- Blott, you're infuriating!
- Thank you, lady.
113
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,149
Where are your family?
114
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,954
No family. I am alone.
115
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,718
- You're sure you won't?
- I want a divorce!
116
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:39,795
A divorce, my lady, between
two such well-endowed, you understand me,
117
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,754
parties as Sir Giles and yourself
is hardly a simple matter.
118
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:47,275
It is Sir Giles we're speaking of?
119
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:50,313
Well, I can hardly divorce anyone else, can I?
120
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,033
Quite so.
121
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:54,913
Mr Ganglion, I want a divorce, I want it quickly
122
00:11:55,120 --> 00:12:00,638
and I want full possession of Handyman Hall
and the entire estate. Is that absolutely clear?
123
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,599
Yes.
124
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:14,869
A divorce? You wish to sever the ties
with the redoubtable Lady Maud?
125
00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,036
Actually, SHE does.
126
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,198
- I am sorry.
- I'm delighted.
127
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:24,791
- I see. You want it?
- Subject to two conditions.
128
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:28,751
My reputation as an MP
must not come under question.
129
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:33,476
I retain the house and estate. I paid enough
for them in the marriage settlement.
130
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:36,478
Handyman Hall is a most desirable property.
131
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,194
Not if you live there.
132
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,552
It's one of the worst examples
of late-Victorian baronial monstrosity.
133
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:48,595
Vile furnishings, hideous bricks,
a heating system that only heats aeroplanes.
134
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,951
- Yes.
- Plumbing that registers on the Richter scale.
135
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:55,675
- Yet you want to retain possession?
- Prime, you know me.
136
00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:58,997
I made my fortune recognising
the potential advantage
137
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,749
of unprepossessing properties,
and speaking of Lady Maud...
138
00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,115
Lady Maud, if you'd just allow me
to explain matters to you.
139
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,677
A divorce is one thing,
but you can hardly expect to retain the estate.
140
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,713
But I want the estate!
141
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:19,152
I'm totally attached to that house.
It's my family home. Those are my roots.
142
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,828
Quite so, it's only natural.
143
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:26,516
I remember Handyman Hall
in its finest days, you know.
144
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,676
Well, that house is mine.
145
00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,154
Balls.
146
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,079
Shoots. Garden parties.
147
00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,919
I myself once danced till dawn.
148
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:40,708
There were flowers stuck in bosoms,
servants in gloves.
149
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:47,670
Royalty came. Edward VII visited twice and
seduced your grandmother on both occasions.
150
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,914
Mistook her for one of the chambermaids.
151
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:56,151
Which is how your dear grandfather
earned his seat in the Lords, I understand.
152
00:13:56,360 --> 00:13:59,511
The Palace is ever gracious
in admitting a mistake.
153
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:04,077
I want a divorce and I want my house back!
154
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,272
Dear lady,
that's what I'm trying to explain to you.
155
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,755
The house would have declined entirely
156
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:14,397
had not Sir Giles purchased it
in your marriage settlement. It's his.
157
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,433
Then I want you to find a way
of making it mine!
158
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:22,714
It's quite impossible unless you have some
extraordinary grounds in the divorce petition.
159
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,790
- I have.
- Oh.
160
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,314
Might I ask what?
161
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,990
Mr Ganglion, wouldn't you say
that I have certain charms?
162
00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,156
What? Well...
163
00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,274
Yes, if... if asked, I would.
164
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,517
I was quite lovely
when I married Giles six years ago.
165
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:49,759
Left to myself, I'd have chosen
a more exciting man. They were around.
166
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,155
Oh, yes. Indeed.
167
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:58,799
But I listened to you
and I did my duty to family and to house.
168
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:04,720
And in return,
I expected certain duties from Giles.
169
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,199
Duties?
170
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,834
You understand me, Mr Ganglion?
171
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:13,790
Bedroom duties.
172
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,279
Oh...
173
00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,275
Those duties.
174
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,794
It was always a marriage of convenience.
175
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,072
Strange phrase. Brought me very little.
176
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,598
The house, the estate,
177
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:32,837
a titled background, a seat in Parliament.
178
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,996
At the price of living with Maud.
179
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:42,470
My dear Lady Maud, there are some duties
hard both to define... and to exact.
180
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,159
Women have always been expected
to lie back and think of England.
181
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:50,750
I'm not sure thinking of England
has the same effect on a man.
182
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:54,270
I don't care what he thinks about,
as long as he lies back!
183
00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,471
I'll do the rest.
184
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,796
No doubt you would, my lady.
185
00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:05,151
But... are you saying that
right through the marriage there's never been...
186
00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,476
What shall we say?
187
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,511
...a stab at it?
188
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,278
Ah.
189
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:17,192
I've always thought
that sex was rather like a pork pie.
190
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,468
Very dull without seasoning.
191
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:24,070
Can I ask about your... particular relish?
192
00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:27,477
I'm due at the House of Commons.
Do we have to go into this?
193
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:32,037
- If it goes to court, what will Lady Maud claim?
- Not much. Nursery games.
194
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,550
- Nursery games?
- Nanny with her tawse, bad boy rebuke.
195
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,069
- Flagellation?
- No.
196
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,195
I went to a first-rate public school.
197
00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:46,190
They bent over backwards to make you
bend over forwards. I want to keep up traditions.
198
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,470
- Does Lady Maud?
- No.
199
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,672
- I told her on our wedding night.
- She was shocked?
200
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:57,398
No, she beat the hell out of me. They say
my screams were heard the length of the Algarve.
201
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,797
The hotel manager
was ill-mannered enough to complain.
202
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:05,278
- She could summon witnesses.
- This can't come out in court! I'm an MP!
203
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:13,795
I'm afraid we'd be very foolish
if we let this get anywhere near a court at all.
204
00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,956
Absolute madness
to let this get anywhere near a court at all.
205
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:22,392
He's only to deny your allegations,
and I can hardly see him admitting them,
206
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,591
and what proof can we show?
207
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:28,031
I should've thought
my virginity were proof enough!
208
00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:31,198
I hardly see that as "Exhibit A", my lady.
209
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,790
And he could say
that you had denied him his conjugal rights.
210
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,037
- But surely they'd believe ME!
- We can't count on it.
211
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:43,872
And if he won, you'd lose the house and estate.
The reversionary clause would be null and void.
212
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,595
In your marriage settlement,
you bought the house and estate.
213
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,588
- It cost me a fortune.
- But there was a reversionary clause.
214
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:56,271
In the event of your death without heirs,
everything was to go to Lady Maud,
215
00:17:56,480 --> 00:18:01,235
as it did if there was misconduct on your part
leading to a divorce.
216
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:03,795
- You mean nursery games?
- Mm-hm.
217
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,949
That's ridiculous. You mean I'm lumbered
with a wife I can't lose and a house I can't sell?
218
00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:15,311
So the only way the estate reverts to me
is if Giles commits adultery?
219
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,549
Roughly speaking, more or less.
220
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:20,716
He could die, of course.
221
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,876
But if he commits adultery,
222
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:27,358
I could divorce him,
keep the estate and marry again?
223
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:28,834
Quite.
224
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,952
Right. Then we'll have to see what we can do.
225
00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:33,434
Hmm?
226
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,111
Blott...
227
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:47,788
Do you know how to tap a telephone?
228
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,195
Make water come out of it?
229
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,516
Listen in on calls!
230
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:59,108
Oh, very simple.
All is needed is some wire and some headphone.
231
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:04,709
There's an electrical shop just round the corner.
Stop there on the way back, would you?
232
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,589
(RADIO) And now for the traffic report.
233
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:13,998
Holiday traffic has added to congestion
on all routes to the West Country,
234
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,668
bringing up to ten-mile tailbacks.
235
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:21,556
On the M4 west of Bristol, the contraflow
system is causing serious delays
236
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,115
and three-mile jams.
237
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:28,677
Motorists' organisations
are pressing the government for quick action
238
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:31,269
on the extension of the M399. Meanwhile...
239
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:33,710
(RADIO OFF)
240
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,160
- Giles, how are you?
- Very well, Minister.
241
00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,079
You know my PPS Densher?
242
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,316
Yes, indeed.
243
00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:18,274
You're looking pale.
Spending too much time tied to a desk.
244
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:21,392
Jog, Giles, jog. You wanted a word?
245
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:27,630
Yes, it's about the proposed motorway in my
constituency. The M399, the route to the west.
246
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,354
- That's shelved, isn't it?
- Yes, Minister.
247
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:35,554
We surveyed several routes, but local objections
were so strong, we put everything in store.
248
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,716
Funny things, motorways.
249
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:42,277
Everyone wants to drive on them,
but no one wants them in their neighbourhood.
250
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:45,119
- Does that set your mind at rest?
- Not exactly.
251
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:48,517
Your people may have missed
the best and cheapest route.
252
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:51,359
- Which?
- Here.
253
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:55,519
Direct from Sheffingham to Debry.
Straight through the Cleene Gorge.
254
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,154
I suppose it is the obvious route, really.
255
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,388
It does look like it. Densher?
256
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,830
We surveyed it, but it's impossible.
257
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,874
The Cleene Gorge is a designated area
of outstanding natural beauty.
258
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,789
You'd have to demolish a great hall
belonging to the local fat cat.
259
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,434
Yes. Mine, actually.
260
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:20,714
Oh, that's your little plot, is it, Giles?
Very nice. No wonder you came to object.
261
00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:24,356
Actually, Minister, I didn't come to object.
262
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:27,597
No? This isn't an objection?
263
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:33,079
I couldn't support the scheme publicly. Local
feeling would be strong. I'd have to represent it.
264
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:36,795
- As elected representative, quite.
- But entirely privately.
265
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,309
As an independent individual.
266
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:42,478
We need the motorway. It would save millions.
267
00:21:42,680 --> 00:21:47,310
I don't see why the splendours of Cleene Gorge
should be the preserve of the happy few.
268
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,795
Make it accessible to the common man.
269
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,879
As for Handyman Hall,
the sooner they knock down that vile hea...
270
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,958
Or rather, let me put it this way.
271
00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:00,675
Handyman Hall can be regarded
as a negative contribution
272
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:03,758
to the architectural heritage of this country.
273
00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:05,234
Pardon?
274
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:09,797
If they knocked it down, our architectural
heritage would actually improve.
275
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,834
And there'd be thumping great compensation,
wouldn't there, Giles?
276
00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,474
We'd have the little green men all over us.
277
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:20,275
- What?
- The conservationists, the badger folk.
278
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:25,759
I hope this government isn't going to let tradition
stand in the way of progress. Or vice versa.
279
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,999
Exactly, Giles.
I think this calls for a public inquiry.
280
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,480
- Find a chairman, Densher.
- Yes, Minister.
281
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:37,912
What about Lord Leakham?
Fine legal mind, sharp as a...
282
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:42,079
- Perfect. Shall we go through to lunch, Giles?
- Excellent.
283
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,635
Tell me... how's the wife?
284
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:46,956
In very good health, thank you.
285
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:56,438
- All good.
- Excellent, Blott. Is it ready?
286
00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,391
- I think it is time to make test.
- Oh, marvellous.
287
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,715
What do we do?
288
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:11,675
Go to the greenhouse and pick up headpiece
when is ringing the little bell. Understand?
289
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:14,713
Perfectly, Blott. When is ringing the little bell.
290
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,638
- What will you do?
- I go in the study and make call.
291
00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:24,155
I see all the signs of a military training, Blott.
292
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,955
No, I am just a little ingenious.
293
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,236
(RINGS)
294
00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:02,636
One, two...
295
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,195
(PHONE RINGS)
296
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:11,356
Hello? Mrs Forthby here.
297
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,792
Oh, hello there. This is Blott.
298
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,518
Blott? Do I... Do I know you?
299
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:23,792
No.
300
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,276
- Is there anything I can do for you?
- No.
301
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:31,430
What is it that you want?
302
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,232
Ah...
303
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,749
Ton of pig manure.
304
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:39,509
- I think you've got the wrong number.
- Yes, I think so.
305
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,795
(LINE GOES DEAD)
306
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,714
(MIMICS TRUMPET MUSIC)
307
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,595
One ton of finest pig manure.
308
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:13,829
(MIMICS SIR GILES) Please deliver to my
excellent mansion one ton of finest pig manure.
309
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,719
- Excuse me, lady.
- It works perfectly.
310
00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:20,639
I could hear every word.
Who were you talking to?
311
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,274
I don't know. Some number...
312
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,036
"Manure lady."
313
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:29,470
Blott, you're wonderful.
314
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,319
Now we can find out what he's up to.
315
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:37,355
- Are you comfortable, Sir G?
- Hmm.
316
00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:40,516
You look it.
317
00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:46,633
Well, now, then... We all know
what happens to naughty garçons, don't we?
318
00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:50,071
Oh, yes, you are, you know you are!
319
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:51,918
- No!
- Yes.
320
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,714
(DOOR BUZZES)
321
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,878
Look, hang on a minute.
I'll go and see who that is.
322
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,708
Won't be long.
323
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:15,229
Oh, hello, Marjorie. How nice to see you!
Do come in. Would you like a drink?
324
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:19,035
I don't think we have time.
The taxi's waiting downstairs.
325
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,629
- Taxi?
- The opera.
326
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:25,355
- Oh, you hadn't forgotten?
- It completely slipped my mind!
327
00:26:25,560 --> 00:26:27,994
- I'll get the tickets.
- (MUMBLES)
328
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:30,836
(MUFFLED SHOUTS)
329
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,996
I know! (LAUGHS)
330
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,070
(MUFFLED SHOUTS)
331
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,434
(FRONT DOOR OPENS)
332
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:04,438
(MUFFLED SHOUTS)
333
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,598
(WATER STARTS RUNNING)
334
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,155
(MUFFLED) Mrs Forthby!
335
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,639
Oh, my goodness, I forgot all about you!
336
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:20,919
- All right, are we?
- Where in hell have you been?
337
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,714
- "Magic Flute".
- Six hours you've been away!
338
00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:25,876
I've been lying here in agony!
339
00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,036
I thought you liked that.
340
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:33,678
Six hours? No one in their right mind wants to
be strung up like a spring chicken for six hours!
341
00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:37,429
Now, now, now! What have we here?
This is a very naughty boy.
342
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:40,393
I am not playing, Mrs Forthby. Please untie me!
343
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:42,951
Quickly!
344
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:47,597
And pass me my pants.
I've got a division in the House in 20 minutes.
345
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:54,718
I'm seeing the Minister in the Department
of Environment in the morning. Thank you.
346
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,238
Oh! My leg is unnatural.
347
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,477
I'm sorry. I'm a bit forgetful, ain't I?
348
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:04,911
I'm just lucky you didn't go off
to the Bahamas on holiday.
349
00:28:05,120 --> 00:28:07,270
- Cheer up, Sir G.
- My trousers!
350
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:12,076
- I'll be better next time.
- I doubt if there'll be another time, Mrs Forthby.
351
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,274
(MURMUR OF CONVERSATION)
352
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,476
Ah, bless my soul! Guests!
353
00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:55,959
Giles, there you are. I hope you don't mind.
I thought it was time to have some people in.
354
00:28:56,160 --> 00:29:01,234
Good idea. What a good idea!
How nice, Mrs Bullett-Finch! Mr Bullett-Finch.
355
00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:06,468
It's aeons since we set foot in Handyman Hall.
It used to be the honeypot of the neighbourhood.
356
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,990
But one knows how difficult it is
keeping up great houses.
357
00:29:10,200 --> 00:29:12,156
Really, Mrs Bullett-Finch? How?
358
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:15,716
So, back to the quiet of the country
after a week's toil in,
359
00:29:15,920 --> 00:29:18,673
what did Cobbett call it, the Great Wen?
360
00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:22,870
- You mean London?
- That's the damn place. Can't grow a thing.
361
00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:27,153
- Whereas in the countryside...
- Not talking about your lawn again?
362
00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:31,148
- Evening, General Burnett.
- Ah, Lynchwood, back with us for a bit!
363
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:34,397
- Been governing?
- Must keep the country shipshape.
364
00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:39,754
Doesn't look in any shape to me! Politicians
are purveyors of confusion and misery!
365
00:29:39,960 --> 00:29:44,590
- I wonder what you do in the evenings there.
- Do you wonder that, too?
366
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,951
- Parliamentary affairs.
- Speak in the House at all?
367
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:53,188
I made an intervention in the anti-immigration
debate. Maybe you read about it in the "Times".
368
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,233
I was too busy following
that cuckoo from Newcastle.
369
00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,000
Excuse me, B-F. Mr Ganglion, how are we?
370
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,714
Well, I was hoping to meet you here, Sir Giles.
371
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:04,070
Hardly surprising. This is my house.
372
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:08,319
Yes, exactly. Well, well, that's just the matter.
373
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:13,355
Erm, is there a little room nearby
where we could be intimate?
374
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:15,710
- Intimate?
- Have a little talk?
375
00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:18,639
- Good evening, Sir Giles.
- Ah, Miss Percival.
376
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:21,229
Ah, Miss Percival! Colonel Chapman.
377
00:30:21,440 --> 00:30:24,955
- Not intimate in the other sense.
- The estate looks blooming.
378
00:30:25,160 --> 00:30:28,994
About time you had a shoot.
There was always a shoot at Handyman Hall.
379
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:32,317
All the Colonel thinks about
is his "bang, bang, bang"!
380
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,478
Just a word man to man
on a rather personal subject.
381
00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:38,797
Isn't it time we told Lynchwood why we're here?
382
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:44,677
One doesn't like talking about
private sexual practices surrounded by the...
383
00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:48,237
Oh.
384
00:30:48,960 --> 00:30:51,872
- Such bad news.
- It happened while you were away.
385
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:55,117
We heard the new motorway
will go through Cleene Gorge.
386
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:58,153
- And through the estate.
- Right over our cottage.
387
00:30:58,360 --> 00:31:01,955
- We've nowhere else to go.
- We're forming a protest committee.
388
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:04,196
We trust you'll take a leading role?
389
00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:06,994
In fact, if you don't put a stop to this at once,
390
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:12,149
I promise you now you will not sit
for the next election for South Worfordshire.
391
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:17,199
Well, if it's true, it's outrageous.
392
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:22,558
- I shall call for an immediate inquiry.
- I knew you wouldn't let it happen.
393
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,716
It would be such sacrilege.
394
00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:27,559
(GONG BANGS)
395
00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,875
Dinner is served now, please.
Go at once to the table.
396
00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:34,594
- We've begun a petition.
- Printed posters.
397
00:31:34,800 --> 00:31:36,279
Later!
398
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,196
Go to the table.
399
00:31:40,080 --> 00:31:43,152
I can only say this proposal is an outrage.
400
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:48,790
And we must use
every legal channel open to us to resist it.
401
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:52,754
And I begin by calling for an inquiry.
402
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:59,873
The price of justice is eternal publicity!
403
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:03,672
It's not enough to protest
through legal channels.
404
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:06,348
We must make our protest known.
405
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:11,680
Let us learn from the Suffragettes
and from CND!
406
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:16,590
The gorge won't be saved by words.
We need action.
407
00:32:16,800 --> 00:32:19,314
(CHEERING)
408
00:32:28,920 --> 00:32:31,150
(GUNSHOT)
409
00:32:31,360 --> 00:32:34,670
Good God! I thought you were a rabbit!
410
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:41,714
You'd better get out of here
before the rest of the shoot arrives.
411
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,355
Don't you think?
412
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:49,916
(BELL RINGS)
413
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:56,553
The editor of the "Worford Advertiser"?
This is Sir Giles Lynchwood.
414
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,479
As parliamentary representative and resident,
415
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:04,470
I want to express my outrage at the proposal
to put the motorway through Cleene Gorge.
416
00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,830
National Trust? Giles Lynchwood here.
417
00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:11,989
As parliamentary representative for South
Worfordshire, may I express my total horror...
418
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:15,112
Is that the Director General,
United Nations?
419
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:18,630
Sir Giles Lynchwood,
MP for South Worfordshire. Hello.
420
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,718
I want to express my utter disgust and outrage...
421
00:33:32,600 --> 00:33:34,556
(MIMICS) Sir Giles Lynchwood here.
422
00:33:35,480 --> 00:33:38,392
Sir... Sir Giles Lynchwood here.
423
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:40,556
Sir Giles...
424
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:44,711
Sir Giles Lynchwood here.
Sir Giles Lynchwood here.
425
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,398
I want to express my very much outrage...
426
00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:50,989
my utter outrage about this bad thing.
427
00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:55,077
I shall do my damnedest
to raise the matter in the House.
428
00:33:55,280 --> 00:33:58,078
- Is that you, Giles?
- No. Blott.
429
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:04,113
- You like it, my pronunciation?
- Was that you? You gave me a start.
430
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:08,668
This is good. I don't find out anything,
but I learn correct English.
431
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:12,509
- Don't stop listening. I still don't trust Giles.
- No, lady.
432
00:34:12,720 --> 00:34:16,474
That reminds me.
I must get the TV people to cover the inquiry.
433
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,910
We want the maximum publicity.
434
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,670
(CAR HORN)
435
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:26,519
♪ We shall not, we shall not be moved
436
00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:29,871
♪ We shall not, we shall not be moved... ♪
437
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:42,716
Oh, it's you!
438
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:51,871
- Hello, Bob. How's our motorway?
- We've got your route surveyed.
439
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:57,029
I hope we're in order for that inquiry. Lady Maud
is stirring up the entire neighbourhood.
440
00:34:57,240 --> 00:35:00,676
- You too, I hear.
- I have to represent my constituents.
441
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,394
(SMACKS LIPS) That woman is going berserk.
442
00:35:05,760 --> 00:35:08,149
She'll get over it. They always do.
443
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:12,956
You don't have to live with her.
Up half the night making plans, painting posters.
444
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:17,392
I don't like the way she keeps cleaning
her father's shotgun in the kitchen.
445
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:21,309
She's dangerous. She took a potshot
at one of our surveyors today.
446
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:26,036
- Couldn't we have her arrested?
- It'd never stick. Always happens in planning.
447
00:35:26,240 --> 00:35:31,030
She'll pull out all the stops. I'm still
not convinced that inquiry will find for us.
448
00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:34,118
We've got to make it fail-safe, Hoskins.
449
00:35:34,320 --> 00:35:36,629
All right.
450
00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:39,229
- How about the usual?
- The usual?
451
00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:44,230
Remember when you wanted to build
that hideous block of high-rise flats in Shroaton?
452
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:48,797
We got it through 'cause the alternative
planning proposal was a sewage farm.
453
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,719
Find a totally unacceptable alternative.
454
00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:55,595
A route that no man in his right mind
would accept.
455
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:58,268
That's it. Which?
456
00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:02,117
- There's always Ottertown.
- Ottertown?
457
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:06,393
Ten miles out of the way
and you'd have to cut through a council estate.
458
00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:09,831
- Right through the middle?
- Right through the middle.
459
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,998
I think I'll be the first man
to advocate Ottertown.
460
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:17,550
- You're sure it's totally unacceptable?
- You can bet on it.
461
00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:20,797
- I'll take my fee in advance.
- In that case...
462
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,436
Cash this time. I lost on Imperial Oils.
463
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:27,435
I'll see you at the inquiry.
464
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:36,354
The road would go past Hellford.
465
00:36:36,560 --> 00:36:39,074
(UPROAR)
466
00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,714
(BANGS GAVEL)
467
00:36:48,160 --> 00:36:50,435
Now, order there!
468
00:36:51,560 --> 00:36:55,792
As the Ministry has attempted
to preserve the natural amenities of the area
469
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:58,036
to the greatest possible extent...
470
00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:00,390
My arse!
471
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:02,989
...you'll see our problem.
472
00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:05,794
Right across here we have the Cleene Forest,
473
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:11,074
an area of designated natural beauty
noted for its wildlife, protected species...
474
00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:15,558
Why is it that the only unprotected species
is the human one?
475
00:37:19,680 --> 00:37:21,716
Order! Order!
476
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:28,038
Madam, you are trying the court's patience.
477
00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:33,439
My family has held land
in Cleene Gorge since 1472!
478
00:37:33,640 --> 00:37:36,313
It was given to us by King Edward IV.
479
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:40,798
He designated the Handyman family
custodians of the gorge.
480
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:44,834
Whatever His Majesty Edward IV
may have done in 1472 has no relevance
481
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:49,158
to the evidence
being presented by Mr... Hoskins.
482
00:37:49,360 --> 00:37:51,316
Kindly sit down!
483
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,349
Why don't YOU do something?
484
00:38:00,000 --> 00:38:02,514
It's not going well, is it, Ganglion?
485
00:38:02,720 --> 00:38:06,190
My dear lady, I'm not hopeful,
I'm not optimistic at all.
486
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,709
Oh! And that's not going to help!
487
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:13,869
Sir Francis Puckerington MP, what do you
think of the proposed route through Ottertown?
488
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:18,870
Well, it's quite out of the, er...
you know, out of the question.
489
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:24,837
It means demolishing 75 council houses.
And I don't see any inquiries...
490
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:28,555
I want to make a statement.
I am Lady Maud Lynchwood.
491
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,832
My family have lived in Cleene Gorge
for 500 years.
492
00:38:32,040 --> 00:38:34,679
My grandmother was seduced
by King Edward VII.
493
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:37,599
Now I am to be evicted from my family home,
494
00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:40,997
thrown God knows where
into what penury and servitude!
495
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:46,320
I ask the nation
what true English person in all conscience
496
00:38:46,520 --> 00:38:49,034
can stand idly by and see this happen?
497
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:53,230
- Thank you, Lady Maud.
- I want it on the "Nine O'Clock News".
498
00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:56,910
- I'm not sure...
- You never are, are you? Where's Giles?
499
00:38:57,120 --> 00:39:01,432
He was taking Lord Leakham to
the Four Feathers to put him in mellower mood.
500
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:04,837
He's gone off with that old fool,
has he, the traitor?
501
00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:08,032
- I'm sure...
- I'm not! Get our supporters together.
502
00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:12,153
Meet me in the Handyman Arms.
I've got to go to the Four Feathers.
503
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:17,078
Really shouldn't be doing this
at this time of day. Peptic ulcer, you know.
504
00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:22,789
Still, it's been a tiring morning.
Who's that ghastly woman who kept interrupting?
505
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:25,560
I think I'll have the prawns to start with.
506
00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:28,479
Reminds me of the assizes in Newbury in '28.
507
00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:32,958
A woman there kept jumping up and down
in the dock. What was her name?
508
00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:36,994
Lady Maud. Somewhat outspoken,
with a reputation around here.
509
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,749
Elsie Watson. That's the name.
Poisoned her husband.
510
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:45,795
Kept shouting abuse from the dock.
Made no difference. Hanged her just the same.
511
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:48,150
- Ready to order?
- Yes, I think we are.
512
00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:59,556
Extraordinary fellow. Evidently can't distinguish
between an inquiry and a court of law!
513
00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,716
And the man behind me...
514
00:40:02,680 --> 00:40:05,752
The man behind me smelled noticeably of pig.
515
00:40:05,960 --> 00:40:10,238
Can't say I see much hope at all.
Decidedly gloomy morning.
516
00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:13,193
Then perhaps we're in for a jolly afternoon.
517
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:17,075
- You look strangely cheerful.
- It's time to counter-attack.
518
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:21,796
- How can we? The judge is an ass.
- Your persistent interruptions didn't help us.
519
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:24,798
I'm not going to take any notice
of that old buffoon!
520
00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,309
Leakham is a man of great reputation.
521
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:31,559
His reputation is only just beginning.
Let's rally our forces.
522
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:33,716
- But how?
- Yes, how?
523
00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:38,436
This is a Handyman pub. We'll get the public
on our side. Drinks on the house!
524
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:42,030
Lady Maud says drinks on the house!
525
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,671
Right, 15 more pubs in Worford.
Let's get round them!
526
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:57,911
One steak for him
and one chicken for that old judge.
527
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:02,432
Don't bother about that chicken.
The old gent's having "Speciality a la me"!
528
00:41:02,640 --> 00:41:06,838
- It's Lord Leakham. He ordered chicken.
- I've got a special order for him.
529
00:41:07,840 --> 00:41:12,516
- You can't use that!
- He don't own the place. Lady Maud does!
530
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:15,712
If she wants to poison the bugger,
that's her affair.
531
00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:19,196
Come, come!
532
00:41:22,080 --> 00:41:25,390
Any chance of opening it
and putting in a bit of Tabasco?
533
00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:30,876
I ought to open it at table.
But that Sir Giles, he don't know nothing.
534
00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:37,951
All drinks on Lady Maud in the Cock And Bull!
535
00:41:41,640 --> 00:41:43,596
No to the motorway.
536
00:41:44,360 --> 00:41:46,316
No to the motorway.
537
00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:49,556
No to the motorway.
538
00:41:56,480 --> 00:41:59,438
- Poule au pot Edward IV.
- That's Lord Leakham's.
539
00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:04,398
- Tournedos Handyman.
- Clearly, that must be mine.
540
00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:09,559
- Would you like to try the?
- Just pour it out. The chicken looks good.
541
00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:11,876
- Speciality of the house.
- Really?
542
00:42:12,080 --> 00:42:14,036
Oh, yes, sir.
543
00:42:14,720 --> 00:42:16,676
Thank you.
544
00:42:25,360 --> 00:42:27,396
Eugh! Eugh!
545
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:31,190
Oh. Something amiss?
546
00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:36,992
What in God's name?
What did you say this was?
547
00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:39,714
"Chambertin '64". Is it corked or something?
548
00:42:39,920 --> 00:42:43,879
- It's certainly something!
- I'll get another bottle. Waiter!
549
00:42:45,080 --> 00:42:48,993
- Bring another bottle. Something wrong with it.
- Isn't it a good 'un?
550
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,156
- No!
- I'm not a great wine buff.
551
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:53,510
But it seemed to be rather full of dregs.
552
00:42:53,720 --> 00:42:56,996
Does one normally have chilli powder
in chicken here?
553
00:42:57,200 --> 00:42:59,475
Is the poulet off as well? Amazing!
554
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:02,076
Here, give that to me!
555
00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:06,990
(CHANTING)
556
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:20,353
(BANGS GAVEL) Silence in court!
557
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:22,551
Silence!
558
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:25,228
(SHOUTING)
559
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:27,715
Clear those people, Officer!
560
00:43:28,520 --> 00:43:30,875
I wish to hear the next witness in quiet!
561
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,640
- I wish to make a statement.
- Sit down, madam.
562
00:43:37,080 --> 00:43:41,153
We are here to take evidence,
not to listen to statements of opinion.
563
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:43,715
M'lud, my learned judge,
564
00:43:43,920 --> 00:43:47,629
my client's opinions are evidence
germane to this inquiry.
565
00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:51,674
Opinion is not evidence.
Your client, whoever she is...
566
00:43:51,880 --> 00:43:56,158
Is Lady Maud Lynchwood
of Handyman Hall, m'lud.
567
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:58,510
(CHEERING)
568
00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:01,280
(BANGS GAVEL)
569
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:04,995
Your client may hold
what opinions she chooses.
570
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:10,149
But she may not express them as evidence.
I trust you know the rules of evidence?
571
00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:13,477
The rules of evidence, m'lud, do not,
572
00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:16,433
with due deference to your Lordship's opinion,
573
00:44:16,640 --> 00:44:19,029
apply in a public inquiry.
574
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:25,755
- Who are you?
- My name is Ganglion.
575
00:44:26,480 --> 00:44:29,313
- Of the well-respected firm...
- Sit down!
576
00:44:29,520 --> 00:44:31,988
(DISGRUNTLED MUTTERING)
577
00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:38,749
- Next witness!
- I wish to protest! This inquiry is a travesty!
578
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,269
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
579
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:45,075
- Silence in court!
- This is not a courtroom!
580
00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:49,239
- It IS a courtroom!
- It is not a court. It's an inquiry!
581
00:44:49,440 --> 00:44:52,159
And you are not fit to conduct it!
582
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:55,193
Well, I am conducting it, fit or not.
Now, be silent!
583
00:44:55,400 --> 00:44:58,278
You're a senile old fool!
584
00:44:58,480 --> 00:45:00,755
(CHEERING)
585
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,439
I hold you for contempt of court!
586
00:45:11,240 --> 00:45:13,356
Officer, arrest this... woman!
587
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:16,036
(UPROAR)
588
00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:19,068
This is not a courtroom!
589
00:45:26,480 --> 00:45:28,914
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
590
00:45:29,120 --> 00:45:33,238
Order in court! Order in court! Order in court!
591
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:37,117
Order in court! Order in court!
592
00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:40,638
- This is not a courtroom!
- Order in court!
593
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,270
Oh, my God!
594
00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:53,040
I merely wanted to save my house!
595
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:57,233
Can't somebody help me?
596
00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:02,193
Don't overdo it, Blott!
Let go of the constable's ear!
597
00:46:03,160 --> 00:46:05,754
Constables, you must do your duty!
598
00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,348
(SIRENS)
599
00:47:47,480 --> 00:47:50,119
(SIREN)
600
00:48:07,080 --> 00:48:09,036
There you are, sir.
601
00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:13,031
Maud?
602
00:48:13,240 --> 00:48:14,593
Oh!
603
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:17,075
Ah, you're all right.
604
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:22,750
Phew, Giles.
Well, I think we made our point, don't you?
51373
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