All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E11 Amnesia.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

Heeeeey, Abbott!

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

She loves me.

What are you doing,
talking to yourself?

No. Now you got me
all mixed up. I lost count.

I don't know what
the last feather said.

Now the feathers are
talking back to you?

Oh, no, I'm talking
to the feathers.

I mean the feathers
are talking to me.

Now you got me...
I'm all mixed up good.

Oh, sure. I'm going out and
see if there's any mail first.

- Just a minute.
- What?

If there happens to be a
blue letter out there, that's it.

- That's mine.
- It's yours.

I gotta start counting
these things over.

Bud!

Not really.

Maxine, why, you're
good for sore eyes.

- I haven't seen you in a dog's age.
- Yes.

- It's been four or five years.
- That's right.

Ever since we played
back in St. Louis.

My good... How is George?

Oh, he's fine, but I haven't
seen him in over six months.

You haven't seen your
husband in six months?

It's not as bad as it sounds.

He's in England. He's
doing a play in London.

I had hoped to join him, but
I've been waiting for a part here.

Well, that's the
theater... No home life.

- Say, are you living in this building?
- Yeah, right over here.

Oh, I just moved in
upstairs... Number 22.

Why don't you come
up and see me, huh?

- We'll talk about old times.
- I certainly will.

Oh, that's good.

Well, I better run along.
I've got some shopping to do.

- Good.
- See you later, Bud.

See you later, honey.

She loves me.

She loves me not.

Oh, what a mess
you can make out of,

"She loves me, she loves
me not, she loves me, sh..."

Ohh. Smells as though
it's got a dose of chlorophyll.

- That's the leather. Edna.
- What?

- She's a chocolate dipper.
- Edna? Who is this Edna?

That's the girl
I'm going to marry.

- Oh, she's got a cameo face.
- Huh?

Beautiful, sparkling eyes,
Roman nose, pearly white teeth,

and a swanlike neck.

- Well, that's ridiculous.
- Is that so?

She says so right
here in her letter.

You mean you've
never seen this girl?

Not yet, I haven't.

I read her ad in the
lonely-hearts column.

Beautiful, too. Get this...

"Beautiful young lady wishes
to meet mature gentleman."

"Mature"... What
does "mature" mean?

It means "ripe."

"Without encumbers."

She uses big words.
Edna must be real smart.

What's "encumbers"?

"Encumbers"... that's a
lien on a piece of property.

- Oh, I see what she means now.
- Yeah.

"Beautiful young lady
wishes to meet ripe gentleman,

not too lean."

That's me.

Now, that's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard of,

you wanting to marry a
woman that you've never seen.

How do you know
what she looks like?

She may be some...
Some ugly, old...

- Hold it! Hold it right there!
- Aah.

I'm going to write to Edna.

I'm going to tell her
everything that you said.

No, you don't.

Never put your own
handwriting on a piece of paper

to a strange woman.

You may proceed.

Thank you.

"My dear darling
honeypuss, Edna.

I can hardly wait
for you to arrive

so we can be married
and be man and wife.

I dream about you every night.

I would like to dream about
you also in the daytime,

but it's a little tougher.

My darling honeypuss,

I dream about your
lovely, blonde, fluffy hair,

which you mentioned in the ad.

I am going to send you $35
so you may take a big bus here.

Hoping you are the same,

your little sucker,
Lollipop Lou."

Would you like me to
read this back to you?

Yes, ma'am.

No, ma'am. No, ma'am.

Uh, pardon me just
a minute, please.

"My dear darling
honeypuss, Edna."

What's the matter?
You blowing your top?

Now, wait a minute, Bud.
You shouldn't read that.

Just a minute. I'll take
care of that money.

Give me back my $35.

What, and have you
get in trouble with it?

I've been in trouble
ever since I met you.

You shouldn't read
other people's mail.

- What's wrong with you?
- That's supposed to be private.

That's a big thing in
my life. I'm emotional.

You're impossible.

Give me back my $35.

Give you a punch in the nose.

Oh, stop that silly talk.

- Give me my $35.
- No!

Abbott, are you going
to give me my $35?

No!

I think he means it. He
ain't going to give it to me.

He says "No" twice.

Ah, good afternoon,
my young friend.

Can I show you something?

Yes, I'd like to talk
to you about that car.

Well, I can see
that you're a man

of rare perception
and discrimination.

- I am?
- You certainly are.

That, my friend, is a
very prime motorcar.

I want you to look
at the contour,

the gracefulness
of its beautiful lines.

It is a beautiful-looking
thing, isn't it?

Ah, "beautiful" is
scarcely the word for it.

Why... Why, its sheer
loveliness is even surpassed

by its powerful motor,
perfect in every detail.

How about $35 for it?

$35... Of course,
you must be joking.

Why, that car, my friend, is
worth $495 if it's worth a dime.

$495?

Yes, every nickel of it.

I'll take it.

And you won't be sorry.

Can you give me
the money in cash?

Why, certainly. What was that?

Can you give me the
$495 in cash for my car?

I think there's a slight
misunderstanding.

That is your car?

Oh, yes, and I have the bill
of sale right here to prove it.

$495 for that... For
that ancient pile of junk?

You must be insane,
man. That isn't worth $10.

It isn't even worth
the labor to wreck it.

Well, look at those tires.

Why, a sharp rock would
go through any one of them.

Here, just pick
that up there, yes.

- Pick this up?
- Yeah, just hit that right there.

Look at the fenders. Look.

- Hey, that is a bad tire, ain't it?
- That's what I tried to tell you.

Look at the fender...
Ready to fall off.

Will you cut out ripping my car?

Look at the doors.
Look at the doors... tin.

Why, a child could...

[Speaking indistinctly]

What are you...

Hey, you...

$495.

Hey, but the windshield
is in good shape.

Windshield... just as I
thought... Single-weight glass.

Look at that.

How do you like
that? Now I gotta...

- $495... why, that's ridiculous.
- It is?

Look, how about $35?

$35?

Well, it's not worth
it, but a deal's a deal.

Okay, I'll sign
over the bill of sale.

$35.

Just a moment.

$35, less $8.50 for
the... For the fender.

Wait a minute. I didn't do that.

You did that with your
foot, you... you clumsy man.

You went like that with your
foot and broke it yourself.

My dear friend, just a moment.

Would you buy a car
with a broken fender?

Of course you wouldn't,

and you wouldn't expect me to
do something you wouldn't do,

now, would you?

He's a happy dealer, isn't he?

Of course I wouldn't.

$7 for a brand-new tire...
Wholesale, I'll make that to you.

Thank you.

$4.75 for repairing the door.

The windshield... Let's
see. We'll make that $12.50.

Now, I think that's about all.

Can I get anything here for
that Albuquerque Indian blanket

I got in the car?

You can have that.

No, I-I-I... The sales
tax will be $2.28.

$2.28. Let's see.

Now, that makes $34.95.

There you are, my friend,

and believe me... I'm
losing money on the deal.

I even lost the nickel. Now
I got to start looking for that.

Well.

Hey, Mike, what's going on?

This is a gambling
raid. Stand aside.

"Stand aside!"

I hit the jackpot... jackpot.

Wait a minute. I...

Come on! Come on!

Come on, you!

At least pat me! What's
the matter with you?

- Come on! Get in the wagon!
- I will not.

I ain't going in the wagon.

You want a bop in the head?

I defy you to do that.

Ohh!

What happened to him?

He got tough. He
wouldn't get in the wagon.

- He wasn't one of those inside.
- He wasn't?

No, no, he's too dumb to get
mixed up in a thing like that.

He's my little
pal, Lou Costello.

My gosh, we better
call an ambulance.

Well, he lives right down
here. I'll take him home.

Come on.

Is he all right, doc?

It's nothing serious, just
a little bump on the head.

I wouldn't want anything
to happen to that kid.

I think the world of him.

We squabble and fight a little
bit, but it don't mean anything.

Why, I'd do anything.

Well, then, why don't
you do something

about him getting tangled
up with that woman,

that woman he's never even seen?

Yeah, I think I will.

He'll be all right as
soon as he comes to.

- How long will that be?
- A couple hours, maybe.

If there's anything you want me
to do, you'll let me know, huh, Bud?

Thanks, Maxine.

Maxine, wait a minute.

Maybe there is
something you can do.

I have an idea that we
can break up that romance

between Costello
and that Edna dame...

That is, if you'll go
along with the gag.

Why not? You know
me... Anything for a gag.

Can we go up to your
place and talk it over?

- Sure, come on.
- Swell.

Edna?

Oh, Edna?

Edna, darling, you're beautiful.

Kiss me, Edna, honeypuss.

Ohh.

It's about time you
woke up, you lazy bum!

Wait a minute, lady. There must
be something wrong around here.

I'll say there is. It's
you. Now, come on.

Get up on your feet and
start cleaning this apartment.

And when you're
through, I want it to shine.

Do you understand? Shine!

And when you're through,
there's washing to do.

Now... Now... Now... Now-

[Knocking on the door]

- What do you want?
- Hello, Edna.

Edna?

I'd like to see
Costello a minute.

Yeah, for a minute, but he's
not getting out of this apartment.

He's not associating
with bums like you,

not while he's my husband.

Okay, Edna.

- Hey, Bud.
- What?

What's this all about?
Who's that woman?

That's your wife, Edna.

M-M-M-My wife? You
know I'm not married.

Well, Lou, don't you remember
sending for Edna and marrying her?

Oh, no, all I remember is the
cop hitting me on top of the head

and I wake up here
in this apartment

with a strange woman and
now you tell me I'm married?

But that happened
over three months ago.

Three months ago?

Three months ago since
the cop hit you over the head.

Don't you remember
anything since he hit you?

No.

- Nothing at all?
- No.

Oh, boy, that's
bad. That's terrible.

That's... You must have amnesia.

"Am whosia?"

Well, that's a temporary
loss of memory.

A lot of people get that when
they get a clunk on the head

like you got.

You must have
regained your memory

when Edna threw you
down the steps last night.

Wait a minute, Abbott.

You mean this
woman here... Edna...

She threw me down
the steps last night?

Yep.

I'll see you later. I'm
getting out of here.

Don't try it, you
miserable little worm,

or I'll wipe up
the floor with you.

And I believe she
could do it, too.

Well, I'm going down
and getting dressed.

I have a date tonight...
Beautiful girl, dinner, theater.

And by the way, she's got
a gorgeous little roommate.

Oh, I've got to get
a date for her, too.

- How about me?
- Oh, you're all tied up.

Get out of here,
you no-good rat.

Now, just a minute. You
can't call my pal a no-good rat.

No?!

No, I was going
to do it for you.

Get out of here,
you no-good rat.

Get out of here.

- Could I ask you something?
- Yeah.

Why did you throw me
down the steps last night?

- 'Cause I had nothing better to do.
- Oh.

Come on. Now, get back to work.

Yes... Yes, ma'am.

Come on! Come on! Move fast.

I don't want to go
down the steps.

Come on. Move fast.

Well, is he okay?

Okay and miserable.

Maxine even had
me afraid of her.

Shut the door, you worm!

Yes, Edna.

Costello, what are
you doing down here?

Edna will skin you alive.

Listen... a fine friend, a fine pal.
We're supposed to be like brothers.

Why did you let me marry
that female Simon Legree?

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

I tried to talk you
out of it, didn't I?

I even took your
money away from you

so that you couldn't send it to Edna
for her bus ticket. Didn't I do that?

By the way, where is that $35?

I gave it back to you.

- You did?
- Certainly.

There's that magnesia
business again.

You see?

What about that
$100 I loaned you?

Now, you know darn
well I don't remember that.

Ah, you forget everything.

[Knocking on door]

Uh-oh... Edna.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
not in there. She'll look.

Out the window. Out
the window... hurry up.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Where's my husband?

ABBOTT: Well, are you convinced?

EDNA: I'm convinced of my
mistake in marrying that little shrimp.

Well, there's nothing
you can do about it now.

Oh, yes, there is.

I can either divorce
him or shoot him.

ABBOTT: Maybe a divorce
wouldn't be so messy.

Ohh!

Hey, Mike, you got to help
me. My life has been threatened.

- Your life's been threatened?
- Yeah.

- Who threatened your life?
- My wife.

- Your what?
- My wife, Edna.

I heard her with her own lips
say she's going to shoot me.

Sure, sure.

Now, don't you worry about a
thing. Everything will be okay.

Now, you just go
on in and relax.

R-R-Relax? And wake up dead?

Listen, I heard my wife,
Edna, say it with her own lips.

- She's going to shoot me and kill me.
- Sure, sure.

Now, don't worry about a thing.
I'll have a nice, long talk with her.

Now, you just go
in there and forget it.

Just like the police force.

I'm about to get murdered,
and you say go in and forget it.

You must have hit him
harder than you thought.

He's really off his
rocker. He hasn't any wife.

ABBOTT: Okay, good-bye.

Costello, your
troubles are all over.

You mean she's not
going to shoot me?

Now, wait a minute.
Just take it easy.

I've talked Edna
into divorcing you.

Oh, good, then she's
not going to shoot me.

- She's not going to shoot you.
- That's good news.

Everything's going
to be settled in court.

That means I got
to go for a lawyer.

I've arranged for that, too.

Sidney Fields, our landlord
here, used to be an attorney,

and he's going to
handle your case for free.

Now, look, we'll all
meet here at 3:00,

and we'll discuss
this whole matter.

- We're going to meet here at 3:00?
- At 3:00.

Edna, the truck horse...
She going to be here?

Certainly.

Wait a minute. She's not
going to shoot you in cold blood.

Hot or cold, blood is blood. I'm
not going to fool around with...

Oh, come in.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.
This shouldn't take long.

Won't you sit here, my dear?

- Mr. Fields.
- Huh?

Just get a load of that woman.
See the way she's dressed?

Just because she thinks

she's going to get alimony
and a divorce from me.

Come, come, let's
get down to business.

Now, Costello, as your counsel,

I don't want to waste
any of your time,

nor the time of this
charming young lady.

Now... huh? Get
right down to business.

Now, Costello,
what is your income?

- Nothing.
- What is your potential income?

How much are you
capable of earning?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

Oh, $50 a week, $75 a week?

Are you kidding? When I
work, I get $100 a week.

Ah, $100 a week
potential income.

I should say $95 a week
would be a fair alimony.

Now, wait a minute, Mr. Fields.
I can't live on $5 a week.

How much did you
say you were getting?

Nothing.

Well, then you have an
increased income of $5 a week.

I think that settles it.

Now we've got to determine
the grounds for the divorce.

Tell me, my dear...
Does your husband drink?

No.

How do you know
he doesn't drink?

Well, I've never
seen him take a drink.

Ah, the solitary drinker.
A sneaky type, huh?

- Whose lawyer are you?
- I'm yours, of course.

- What are you talking like this for?
- Well, I'm helping out your case.

My dear, tell me... Does
your husband ever strike you?

Are you kidding?

Me strike this woman?
Are you kidding?

What about the time you were
choking on that fish bone, eh?

He slapped you then,
didn't he, on the back?

Well, once I was
choking on a fish bone,

and he did hit me on the back.

Did you tell him that
you were choking?

- Yes, I did.
- You sure?

Now, wait a minute,
Mr. Fields, Mr. Abbott.

- Well, let me ask you something.
- Did you slap her on the back?

Of course. She was
going, "Kk! Kk! Kk!"

So I went...

- And I hit her in the back.
- Just a moment.

Do you remember telling
her, or did she tell you?

Yeah, she went, "Kk! Kk! Kk!"

You knew about it in advance?

How could you know
that she was choking?

You know what this is?

Your husband waited
until you were incapacitated

by a serious illness,

and then he maliciously slugged
you when you weren't looking!

I did not!

I only did it when the fish
bone got in her throat and "Kk!"

And I would do it to anybody!

Were you drunk when you
brutally slugged your wife?

I was cold sober.

Oh, you were cold sober, huh?

That even makes the case worse!

You slugged your wife
while you were cold sober.

That's brutal premeditation.

- I never did no such a thing, Abbott!
- Just a moment, don't get excited.

- One more thing...
- You're doing fine.

Has your husband any
previous criminal record?

- No.
- Has he ever been arrested?

- Not that I know of.
- No, no.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
How about that gambling raid?

Remember? You were
connected with that.

Just a moment.

Conceding your association
with underworld characters?

No, no, Mr. Fields, look...

You admit that you did frequent
gambling establishments...

No!

Illegal gambling establishments?

Mr. Fields, I was
walking down the street.

I had a lousy nickel.

I saw a jackpot
machine on the...

And when you put the
nickel in on the outside

while they were throwing
out the gambling stuff,

I put the nickel in there
and I hit the jackpot!

Then you did gamble?

No, I just hit the jackpot!

- You got a lot of money out of it!
- It come out!

Just a minute.

Did you report this winning
in your income-tax return?

No because I...

Oh. We've got
everything we need.

I want you to look at
what we got on him...

Habitual drunkenness,
repeatedly striking his wife,

frequenting gambling
establishments,

consorting with characters
of the underworld,

concealing his income, and
concealing a criminal record!

Oh, we'll see you in court,
Costello. Don't you leave town.

My dear, I am going to get you
away from these sordid surroundings.

Come. I'll take you home.

Yes, indeedy.

That's my lawyer?

Brainy man.

Give him a chance. This
is his first case, you know.

- See you later.
- Where you going?

I'm going up in that room
and pack all my clothes,

and I'm leaving here.

I'm getting so far
away from here,

it'll cost you $14 to
send me a postcard.

- George!
- Hiya, baby.

Oh! Why didn't you let me know?

I wanted to surprise you.

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

- Baby, I'm taking you back with me.
- To London?

That's right, and our plane
leaves in a couple of hours.

- You better step on it.
- Oh, that's wonderful.

Just a minute! How dare you?

As soon as my back is turned,

you start smooching
with another guy.

Hey, what's with this little
guy? Who is he, anyway?

Listen, you leave go of
that material of that coat.

I'm... I'm her husband.
That's who I am.

Leave go of that coat, and
I'll punch you right in the nose.

What's with this little shrimp?
Is he nuts or something?

Well, sort of. I better explain.

We haven't got time.
You better pack a bag.

We got to catch a
plane. Explain later.

Just a minute. You'll do
the explaining right now.

I think I will.

Hey, Abbott!

Hey, Abbott!

Why, George!

Bud, how are you?
Glad to see you.

Good for sore eyes.

I haven't seen
you in a dog's age.

Hey, how have you been?

How's everything in London?

Say, things are just great over
there, you know, kind of routine,

but I work so hard I don't
get any time for any bowling.

Well, doing the same
for me. I don't do it.

But how's the gang?
How's all the boys?

- They're all great.
- That's great.

Say, you ought to come
over to London sometime.

- You'd really love it over there.
- I'm going to visit.

I'm coming over, George,
just to see the family.

- You'd love it over there.
- I certainly would.

- You got a match?
- I certainly will.

This a friend of yours?

Oh, yes, yes, pardon me.
This is my partner, Lou.

Lou, meet George.
He's an old pal.

Hiya, Lou, how are you?

Lou.

Yes, indeedy, by George, I...

Under the same roof.

Now, who'd ever
expect to see you here?

I didn't know you
lived in this house.

Oh, sure, we've been
here for years and years.

How do you feel, son?

I feel terrible.

Here's some
coffee. It'll fix you up.

Thank you.

[Knocking on door]

Shh.

- He just woke up.
- Oh.

I'm sorry I was so rough
on your little friend, Bud.

Oh, that's all right. It possibly
taught him a good lesson.

Well, I see you're
all set, ready to go.

That's right. We'll
drop you a card.

- Will you do that?
- Yes.

Swell.

- So long, Bud.
- So long.

- Good-bye, Bud.
- Have a good time.

Who was it?

Oh, just some friends of mine.

Good. I was scared. For a
minute, I thought it was Edna.

Edna? Who's Edna?

Edna, my wife.

- Uh... Your wife?
- Yeah.

What's the matter with you, boy?

- You know, the girl I married.
- The girl you married?

Edna, yeah.

Ever since you got clunked
by that cop this morning,

you've been acting funny.

Now, listen... It was
three months ago

that I got socked in
the head by that cop,

and since then I
married Edna, didn't I?

Certainly not.

You've been asleep on that couch

ever since you got caught in
that gambling raid this morning.

- You've been dreaming.
- Dreaming?

- Yeah.
- What a horrible dream.

Three giants have been chasing
me all over these corridors out there,

and, boy, is my jaw sore.

Go on over, lie down, and relax.

Anything I can do for you?

Yes, give me back my $35.