All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S01E04 The Vacation.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

We're back!

[Applause]

Well, Lou, we're
heading for our vacation.

Good old summertime.

'Cause you know
where we're going?

- No.
- The Biltmore Hotel.

- Near Phoenix?
- Really?

We're going to have a jolly good
time, and we're entitled to a little...

- I'll make all the reservations.
- You make all the reservations...

Biltmore Hotel,
right near Phoenix.

- We've got to get a car.
- Who's going to trust us with a car?

Nobody's going to
trust us with a car.

We're going to rent a car.

- Rent a car?
- Sure.

We'll get a U-Drive.

Me drive?

No, no, no. A U-Drive.

- I said I'd drive.
- No, you don't drive it. I drive it.

- You drive it?
- Yeah, a U-Drive.

Well, why should I
drive if you want to drive?

Look, I'm going to drive.

Look, Costello. I'm renting
a U-Drive, and I drive it.

- Then we both drive.
- No. We do nothing of the kind.

I drive. When I say U-Drive,
I don't mean you drive.

I mean that I drive,
although it's a U-Drive.

- Let me get this straight.
- Go ahead.

When you say "U-Drive,"
you don't mean me drive.

You mean you drive
because I don't drive.

- Now you've got it.
- Now I've got it.

I don't even know
what I'm talking about.

Look, Costello, I'm
trying to explain this.

We go and we rent a car.

All right. What kind of car
you going to be driving?

Somebody better be driving.

A U-Drive company
we get the car from.

Now I drive company.

I thought I was going to
go alone, with just you,

now I'm going to
have to drive company,

and you know I don't like
company to go on a vacation with.

You don't understand.
It's Hertz U-Drive.

Well, that's too bad.
If it hurts, you drive.

That's right.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

You mean if it hurts me,
it's all right if you drive?

No.

Don't you see, the
head of the company...

The whole thing is getting
worse, I'll tell you that!

The head of the company's Hertz.

The head of the company hurts.

Well, that's too bad.
That's only natural.

No, no, no, no.
Nothing hurts him.

Look, every company
has to have a head.

Well, sure they
got to have a head.

Well, this company's
head's Hertz.

Why don't the guy take
an aspirin if his head hurts?

Ah, forget the whole thing.

Look, you go on home and
get everything in readiness.

Pack everything, and
I'll go and get the car.

Now, come on. Be a nice boy.

We'll get on our vacation.

Hey! Wait a minute!

Is your name Lou Costello?

Yes, Sir.

Do you know a girl
named Tessie Tinfoil?

Oh, just a minute.
I'll let you know.

Tessie Tinfoil?

Dusty, Tootsie.

Under "Q," "Q."

Tootsie, tootsie.

Sure, I do.

Then I got some pictures
I want to show you.

Go ahead.

Do you recognize that picture?

Yes, Sir. That's the
entrance at Griffith Park.

And who is that
going in to the park?

Me.

And who is that with you?

That's Tessie.

Take a look at that picture.
Do you recognize that?

Well, yes. That's a
bench in Griffith Park.

And who's that
sitting on the bench?

That's me.

And the girl with you?

That's Tessie.

Take a look at that
one. You recognize that?

That's the same
bench in Griffith Park.

And who is that
sitting on the bench

with his arms around that
girl, hugging and kissing her?

That's me.

And who is that girl
you're hugging and kissing?

That's Tessie.

Well, I happen to be
Tessie's steady boyfriend.

What are you
going to do about it?

Well, I'll take two of
these, three of these.

This one you can have.

Is this man annoying you?

No.

Why, you little troublemaker!

Hey, come here.

Boy, did I just get a
break, and you, too.

The landlord just gave
me a card to his brother.

He owns a big
sporting-goods store,

and we can get all our
vacation stuff wholesale.

Oh, for the vacation?

- Yeah!
- Good!

- Wholesale. Come on.
- Right!

- Where are you going?
- This way.

Come on.

How do you do, Ma'am?

I'd like to look at
some roller skates.

Roller skates. That's in the rear.
Mr. Bronson will take care of you.

Thank you.

- How do you do, Sir?
- How do you do, Sir?

We're looking for Sporty Fields.

Well, that's me. I'm
Sporty Fields, gentlemen.

- I'm Bud Abbott.
- How do you do?

And this... this is, uh...

Well, that doesn't matter.

Your brother Sidney
sent us down here.

- He's our landlord, you know.
- Oh, yes.

We're going on a vacation,

and we want to buy
some sporting goods.

Fine, fine. We've got
everything the best here.

I'd like to look at
some sweaters first.

Of course, Mr. Abbott. Will
you step this way, please?

Certainly.

Say, Bud, you going
to buy me something?

Yes. Look around the store,

and if you see something
that you like... I won't buy it.

There you are.

- These will do just fine.
- Shall I wrap them up?

No. I think I'll wear them home.

Tessie!

This is the game.

Okay, Abbott!

Now I'm going to
show you a real catcher.

Come on, Abbott!

Throw the ball
back to me, Abbott.

What?

- Throw the ball back to me.
- Now, wait.

Now, look, I'm the catcher.
I'm giving you signals.

42, 48, 3, right, and...

- Wait.
- That's the signal.

Lou.

Now throw it in with
all your might, Abbott.

Lou, it'll kill you.

Throw it in with all your
might when you're ready!

Those baseballs cost money.

Now you went and broke one.

That's a dangerous game.
You can get hurt that way.

I don't need no more of this.

That game is over for me.

A real hunter.

Attention.

Present arms.

Attention.

To arms!

Aah!

Are you trying to kill somebody?

SPORTY FIELDS: This
might be just what you want,

a little turtleneck.

ABBOTT: All right.

We're pretty well set on that.

Let's premiere
everything now, eh?

Well, that's about all. Let me
see. You got three. Three sweaters.

Bang, bang!

Will you...?

What's the matter with you?

Playing with guns.

Be careful. That's
a high-powered rifle.

Those things are made for
big game hunters, not for you.

That's me. I'm a
big game hunter.

Oh, stop.

You mean I never told you the
story about me and my brother-in-law?

What story?

When me and my
brother-in-law was over in Africa?

- Did I ever tell you that story, Bud?
- No.

Well, get this, Mr. Fields,
my brother-in-law and I,

we was in Africa,

and he was going over
after those big crocodiles,

like alli...

Alligators, yeah.

Yeah, well, he used to
love to wrestle alligators.

All of a sudden, he spotted
this man-eating alligator.

The man-eating alligator
was crawling on all fours.

My brother-in-law said, "Here's
a spot for a wrestling match."

So he got on all fours,

and they got closer
and closer to each other.

All of a sudden, they were
facing each other face-to-face,

eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose,
mouth-to-mouth!

The alligator opened
up his mouth wide.

He was so set to nip off
my brother-in-law's head!

I picked up my trusty rifle,
put it by my shoulder like this.

I went, "Bang, bang!"

Got him right between the eyes.

And what happened?

What happened?

- You see that belt?
- Genuine alligator?

Genuine brother-in-law.

Will you put that gun down?

You couldn't hit the
broad side of a barn.

- That's what you think.
- I know it.

- You see that bird over there?
- Yes.

Watch this.

Spoiling my
reputation, this bird.

Get back on your perch.
Go on. Get back up there.

You put that gun away.

Oh, Bud, can I have it?

No, no, no.

Can I buy a little water pistol?

No. Certainly not. No guns.

Hey, come on. You
want to play with me?

Come on over here. Come on.
We'll try shooting some more.

- Go ahead, look around the store.
- Oh, let him alone.

Where are you going
on this vacation?

Phoenix... outside of Phoenix
there. The Biltmore Hotel.

You know, this is the life.

[Applause]

Hey, all I did was, that rowboat,
I pulled the thing, and it went...

You had no business doing it.

I went all over the
store, didn't I, Abbott?

What do you know about boats?

I know plenty
about boats, big boy.

Don't think I don't know
anything about boats, big boy.

- You know everything.
- Where's the bow of the boat?

What's the matter? Think
you got me stuck or something?

Where's the bow of the boat?

- "Where's the bow of the boat?"
- Yeah, where is it.

Everybody knows where
the bow of the boat is.

Where is the bow of the boat?

That's in the front.

Where's the stern?

That's in the back.

- Where's the port?
- It's in the icebox.

In the... Oh, stop that!

Come on.

Hey, Stinky!

- Who's Stinky?
- That's my boyfriend.

When did he get here?

Oh, Stinky, he lives a couple
blocks down there. We play a game.

- Well, have you got it with you?
- There it is.

Oh, no, no, no. Play it with me.

- You're getting interested, huh?
- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay. See what it is?

- It's rubber.
- What's that?

Well, Stinky and I play the game

because him and I are
not so smart in school.

- We're not smart with Geography.
- Yeah.

Other stuff we're pretty good.

What do you mean, "geography"?
What does that got to do with that?

Well, you see, Stinky
puts one end in his mouth,

and I put the other
end of this in my mouth.

Yeah?

And then we go over our
geography lesson that way.

Like, he picks out the states,
and then I mention the capitals,

and then whoever
misses is in for a surprise.

I want to play. I want to play.
Just stick it in your mouth, huh?

I'll be right with you,
Stinky! Wait a minute!

- You want to play?
- Yeah.

- You got it in your mouth?
- Mm-hmm.

I'll get up here. I'll
show you how to play it.

Now, you mention the states,
and I try to mention the capitals,

and whoever misses, surprise.

All right.

- Wait till I get mine in now.
- All right.

Go ahead.

- New York!
- Huh?

New York!

Albany!

Uh, Pennsylvania!

Harrisburg!

Uh, Nebraska!

Omaha!

Stinky, see you later!

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Well, boys, I see you're all
ready to go on your vacation, huh?

Well, I'm going to take
advantage of your absence

and redecorate your little
apartment while you're gone.

I don't think you
have to, Mr. Fields.

- Why not?
- Look what I did.

- Ain't that nice decorations?
- What is all this?

Wall-to-wall carpeting.

Wall-to-wall carpeting?

If you like it, we can
put it on the floor.

There's no need
in no redecorating.

Needs new light fixtures in
here. That lamp don't work at all.

Well, I'll take care
of that right away.

- Give me a little help here, Costello.
- You're right.

- Here.
- That's telling him.

Hold these pliers, Costello.

Now, here. Hold this shade.

Here. Hold that light.

Okay.

Down.

Here, hold the
screwdriver. Hold it.

Now, let me see.
Here, give me that.

Maybe it's in the wiring or
in the switches down here.

Mr. Abbott, would you
mind trying that light switch

on the wall there, please?

I knew I'd have to do something.

Just switch it on.

There. That did it.

Now turn it off.

Turn it on again.

Now off.

On again.

There you are.

Fine. Okay, boys, I hope
you have a nice vacation.

- Okay.
- So long.

All right.

- Lou?
- Huh?

Lou, now where did you go?

Lou?

Now it won't work.

It won't work. It won't work.

What are you
playing, floor lamp?

I'm a beacon.

Yeah. Turn it off, turn it
off, turn it off, turn it off.

What's the matter with you?

Will you put those things down?

Go pack your grip,
and let's get on our way.

You want to go on a vacation?
You want to go on a vacation?

Come on. Hustle it up.

My stuff are all packed.

Will you pick yourself up!

Come on, now.

Get your stuff in there.

Finally going away, eh?

Sure. Aren't you glad
that we're going away?

Well, we're entitled
to a vacation.

A lot of horseback riding, eh?

A little rowboating,
a little canoeing,

maybe a little hunting.

- You can't tell.
- You like to hunt?

Sure.

You know, it's a peculiar thing.

You notice the look
on that landlord's face?

I didn't like it.

That redecorating this
room and everything.

I wonder what
his intentions are,

to rent it to some other
tenant when we come back?

Maybe we won't have a
room when we come back.

What do you mean?

You think maybe after
we go out he'll kick us out?

He's out to do it.

Hey, we better take no chances.

Unpack that grip.

None of that.

We don't give him no chance
to cheat us out of our room.

- I think you're right.
- You bet your life.

I didn't like the look
on the guy's face.

- That's what I noticed.
- I think he was trying to get us out.

Yeah. He had a dirty
look on him there.

Who does he think he is to
send us away on a vacation

if we didn't want
to take a vacation?

We can outsmart him
sometimes, you know.

He's not the wisest
guy in the world.

He didn't like my
wall-to-wall carpeting.

So, what he don't like
makes no difference to us.

But wait. Why should we lose our
vacation on account of his looks?

Who cares about his looks?

Suppose we get a better
room than this here?

We don't have to put
carpets up on the walls.

I was reading in the
newspaper just the other day

about a tenant who
took the landlord to court

and the landlord won the case.

Uh-huh. Won the case.

You know what that
means, don't you?

You can't go wrong on
that. He won the case.

That means the tenant
is out on the street.

But wait. We've got
lawyer. We have an attorney.

Why should we worry about
that? We have our own attorney.

We can fight him.

Come on. We can fight him.

Put it back up... fill...

Put it in there.

Why shouldn't we?

Our own attorney.
He's a good attorney.

We'll fight this
landlord to the last ditch.

Wait a minute. We
owe the attorney money.

We have no attorney.

What are we going to
do without an attorney?

How are we going
to fight the landlord?

We could hire another attorney.

Attorneys are 10 cents a
dozen. What's the difference?

We'll fight him.

We'll get another attorney.
That's what we'll do.

That's what we ought to
do when we come back.

We won't have any money

when we come back
from the vacation to fight it.

What are we going
to do about money?

We'll have no
money to fight him.

But of course you
could borrow money.

Yeah, sure. We can borrow money.

As we come home after a
vacation, run ourselves into debt.

For what? For who?

For a landlord?

I should say not.

Wait a minute, Louie.
You're entitled to a vacation.

You should get out in the
open. Get out in the lakes.

Enjoy yourself.
Get the fresh air.

That's a boy.

I wish we could take
our own vacation.

Come on. Wrap this right
up. Get that all in there.

What are you doing? I
don't want all that stuff.

Come on. Take it easy, now.

Just take it easy. Wrap it up.

I'm going in to wash my hands.

Put all this stuff down in
the car. Do you understand?

I'm going to wash my hands.

I'm getting all dirty here
from doing all this work.

Still playing around, huh?

Eh, fine.

- Louis, you're going on your vacation.
- Yes, Hillary.

I hope you have
a wonderful time.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Louis?
- Yes?

Yes?

Good-bye.

On my way.

You certainly have
a lot of luggage.

Do you play tennis?

- Hillary.
- Yes?

- Would you do me a favor?
- Why, of course.

While I'm gone, would
you feed my little kitten?

Oh, sure, I will.

- Evaporated milk.
- Uh-huh.

And once in a while, would
you throw in a couple of vitamins?

- She's nuts about them.
- Oh, I certainly will.

- You will?
- Uh-huh.

You're a wonderful
girl, Hillary.

Oh, thank you, Louis. I
think you're wonderful, too.

I'm going to miss you.

- Oh, Louis?
- Yes?

Would regular milk be all right?

Sure.

All right.

- Bye, Hillary.
- Have fun.

I'm going to have plenty of fun.

I'm going to have
the time of my life.

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye, Louis.

Hillary, don't go away.

- I want to tell you a secret.
- All right.

- Hillary.
- Yes?

Don't tell a soul.

I think I'm going
to fall for you.

[Crash]

You know, I think he did.

- Oh, Mr. Costello?
- Yeah?

Would you mind coming up here
a minute? I'd like to speak to you.

What are you going
to do, say good-bye?

No.

- What ya need?
- Come on up.

What do you want?

Have fun.

Now, this is no time to play.

- I'm not playing! I'm not playing!
- Get that stuff in the car!

- Let's get going!
- Come on!

- Come on, come on.
- A vacation. Get in the car!

All right, go ahead.

Come here.

Get in.

All right, now, put that
stuff in the back there.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

- I don't want you to get tired.
- All right. Thanks a lot.

We're going to
start a nice vacation.

Well, let's get started.

Need any help?

Thataboy.

Well, you left the
rear open there.

Close it.

Close it down.

Wait a minute. What
happened here?

Well, get with it.

Come on. Let's get going.

Now, you...

What were you doing?

Close it down.

Get in.

Oh, now, look.

Do you want to
play or go on a trip?

I'll fix it.

Well, all right. Do something.

ABBOTT: Come on.

Will you put that hood down?

What's the matter with you, Lou?

We'll never get there.

Now, will you stop
playing around?

Have you forgotten anything?

- You got everything?
- I forgot one thing.

Oh, sure. Sure.

You're a nice fella, but
it's too bad you drink.

Boy, did you tie on a beaut.

Listen, Costello, you
get on that vacation

before you spend it in jail!

Now get out of here!

All right, all right, all right!

Oh!

Peek-a-boo!

Come on, come on!

Did I scare you?

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Wait!

Wait!

You all set?

Now, you sure
you've got everything?

- Yes, Sir.
- Good.

- You know where we're going?
- Sure.

The Biltmore
Hotel, near Phoenix.

Yeah, Mr. Fields, he
made all the reservations.

The reservations are in.

The Biltmore Hotel,
right near Phoenix.

- That's a boy.
- Sure.

That's the one.

- Now here's the map.
- Yeah.

- You read the map and here's a bag.
- What's that?

It's got sandwiches in case
you want to eat on the road.

Oh.

- Are you ready?
- I'm all set now.

Contact! Contact!

A plane, like an airplane!

- Oh, stop.
- Contact!

- Okay, now get serious.
- Contact!

- All right.
- Will you say “contact"?

Contact!

- Contact, go ahead.
- That's cute.

Well, here we are.

What are you stopping here for?

- It's the Biltmore Hotel.
- The...

The Biltmore Hotel?

I said the Biltmore
Hotel in Phoenix.

Well, that's the Biltmore Hotel
right next to Phoenix Coffee Shop.

I meant the Biltmore
Hotel in Phoenix, Arizona.

That did it, Mr. Abbott!

This is the last time I'll ever
go on a long trip with you!

[Applause]

What are you doing
with those clothes on?

Uh-oh.

- Go ahead.
- Be right back.

Make it snappy.

Well, what kept you?

Fine vacation I had.

That's the last vacation
I'll ever go on with you,

and I do want to see
that Grand Canyon.

That's where I'm
going, but not with you.

- You don't want to take me?
- No, Sir.

I want to see the
Grand Canyon by myself.

Well, you go ahead and
go see the Grand Canyon.

That's what I'm going to do.

I only hope for your
sake that you really see it,

and when you get to the
Grand Canyon, Abbott,

do me a favor.

- You go right out to the ledge.
- Yeah.

You go right up,
walk up to the ledge.

Yes.

But whatever you do, be
careful you don't fall down.

It's 15,000 feet deep.

Ooh.

But if you should happen to
fall off, Abbott, and you fall down,

on your way down, as you're
falling, if you've got the time,

make sure you look to the left,

because that's a sight
you will never see again.

Get out of here.