Original subtitles

Oh, my friend.

The world should be witnessing this moment.

MAN: Was it delivered?

Sure was, Mr. Van Schreeten. Million dollars’ worth of it.

You seemed impressed, Mynheer Corio.

Tell me, why did we rendezvous here in this...

This sewer?

This sewer, my dear cousin Josef, is now my sewer.

An investment for my newfound capital, you might say.

What for, Max? What for?

Josef, through seven years of patience and planning...

you and I have accomplished one of the most lucrative criminal acts in history.

It is now time for other things.

Speak plainly, Max, and stand still.

At this moment, a man in the city of New York...

is seeking out a certain young female vocalist.

She'll be told only that an anonymous Parisian entrepreneur...

will pay her a fortune if she will come to sing in his nightclub.

Mary.

It is Mary, isn't it?

And for another chance to win her, I would buy a dozen nightclubs.

She's been in your thoughts too, hasn't she, Josef, during all these years?

Fool.

Must you always be ruled by your ego?

We share a secret, you and I.

I would not risk our safety by whispering in the moonlight...

even to Mary Pilgrim.

If Mary Pilgrim will come here, I shall

offer her everything I possess in this world.

And nothing you can do will stop me...

dear cousin.

Overseas relay channel to New York City open, please.

Section two numbered.

Hello, Napoleon?

So you can now indulge yourself in your nefarious flair for the dramatic.

Not a moment too soon, my friend.

Oh.

Oh, don't I wish.

And the magic genie of the Bronx has heard your wish, fair lady.

What are you doing? Let me go.

What are you doing? Here, stop that. Cut that out.

Leave me alone.

Uh... Uh...

Now, Mr. Solo, you seem to be a very nice man...

and I don't understand a word you say.

And, if you don t mind, I'd just as soon... Get away from me.

And the year that you left the music academy at Amsterdam...

Max and Josef Van Schreeten went to work for this giant diamond syndicate.

That was seven years ago.

Yeah, and for seven years they have been very reliable...

responsible employees of that syndicate.

Until rather recently, that is.

Now, last month, and nobody has figured out quite how yet...

your ex-boyfriends walked off with the entire syndicate reserve.

A half a billion dollars in uncut, unregistered...

and as yet, unrecovered diamonds.

I still don't understand what you sadistic people want with me.

I like Max a lot, I guess, but I, I...

Half a billion dollars, huh?

In diamonds, that is. And that's only for openers.

Now, you see, if they suddenly flood the world market with diamonds...

every girl that ever owned an engagement ring...

risk the possibility of having it devaluated overnight.

Now, Max and Josef know this.

So therefore the syndicate is paying the cousins...

$1 million a month in blackmail to refrain from flooding the world market.

Oh, I see.

You want me to get mixed up with Max again so I can spy on him, right?

Right. As I said, Max was the one that sent you the anonymous job offer.

I'm no longer interested in that kind of singing.

I'm studying the classical now, the opera.

With Madame Sophia Grushenka, as a matter of fact.

And I've absolutely no desire to become a glamour puss.

And besides, what about Madame Grushenka?

She'd never... She'd never let me go traipsing... Ahh!

Listen, if it'll make you any happier, we'll take Madame Grushenka...

traipsing along with us.

All done?

We need you, Mary, to rekindle what there was...

between Max Van Schreeten and you seven years ago.

To get his confidence, to help us find those diamonds and get them back.

Mary?

Well...

Well, I'm...

kind of back in competition, aren't I?

Now, we have 43 minutes to go...

and we are off to gay Paris.

- Shall we? - Oh. Uh... Well...

Krolik? Why didn't you tell me that Thrush had planted a listening device...

on those two Dutchmen? This is my operation.

What?

I tell you, there is a microphone attached to the label tag on that suitcase.

And I...

I tell you Thrush planted no such listening device.

So it would appear that our U.N.C.L.E. friends...

are also interested in this little affair.

Listening in, as it were.

All right, I'll send you a little something to stop up their delicate ears.

They didn't have prosciutto.

What's new with the briefcase?

Oh, they're dividing up their first million.

Max wants to keep his half at his new nightclub.

Apparently, Mary's arrival upon the scene...

has caused some dissension in the Van Schreeten ranks.

There's going to be dissension in our ranks...

if we don't find those hidden jewels.

Well, I went through their apartment thoroughly last night.

I even sat down on the couch and tore the place apart mentally, but nothing.

They could be cached in a Swiss bank or in a walking stick or in the Mediterranean.

Wait.

Corio.

- Corio. - Hmm?

Please, put this somewhere.

Well, ultrasonic waves.

Obviously someone wants to tune us out.

Yes, obviously. But not the Van Schreetens.

They are neither equipped nor oriented for such sophisticated assassinations.

- Uh-huh. T-H-R... - U-S-H.

- Thrush. - Thrush.

Must you put ketchup and mustard on everything?

For two years I am battling tooth and foot...

with the Bronx Conservatory...

to give you a recital.

Now suddenly you drag me off to Paris.

Your debut. A nightclub.

My Mary's a painted floozy in a nightclub.

Grushie, don't be angry with me. I'm so nervous.

What for are you staring at your face like a dope?

Diaphragm. The voice box. Those are your face.

- Oh, how are you? - Who are you?

Solo is my name.

Oh, it's all right, Grushie. Mr. Solo's a friend.

It is not all right.

We don't want friendly playboys with a fancy suits.

Mmm.

Oh, Grushie. You're too much.

Good evening, sir.

- One, please. - This way, please.

- You must be crazy to come here. - Oh, am I not suitably dressed?

I assume you used the tuning fork I sent you?

Good.

I've received a new directive from Thrush.

Since we seem to be running a footrace with our U.N.C.L.E. friends...

subtlety is no longer required in this matter.

Oh, yes, yes. It's a good year. Very good.

What does that mean?

That means that Thrush does not propose to let U.N.C.L.E. beat us to the diamonds.

Wherever they may be.

Beginning tomorrow, more direct methods shall be applied.

Oh, yes. Yes. Ah.

Yes. Thank you, sir.

Honey, you were sensational. Why don't you join me for a while?

I'll buy you a couple of snorts.

Seen Max yet?

No, nor Josef either. Are you sure it's Max who owns this place?

Oh, I'm sorry but the rules of the house forbid it.

All right, then, maybe some other time.

Brace yourself. This is U.N.C.L.E.'s night to howl.

Tallyho. All right. Okay. Look great.

Mary.

Josef. Oh. Mmm.

Josef Van Schreeten.

Oh, my goodness. What are you doing here?

- How wonderful. - For me too, Mary.

You know, my cousin Max owns this place.

It was he who hired you. At my insistence, of course.

- No. Not Max. Why, I can't believe it. - Mm-hm.

- Where is Max? - He is here, my dear.

- Waiting, as he has been for seven years. - Oh, Max.

Max, how marvelous to see you.

You have stolen my thunder, Josef.

I had hoped to surprise Mary myself.

Why don't you have a drink, Josef? On the house, of course.

I'll see you later, Mary.

And your singing. It was exquisite.

Oh, thank you.

And now, my dear, a welcome-home surprise.

Oh, Max.

Mary, you haven't changed.

- You're as elusive as ever. - Oh.

Well, now, let's see if I can remember all those questions.

Am I married? No.

Yes, I do find you very attractive, still.

But I've already invested so much in my career.

It's too soon to stop, Max.

Especially when it's just beginning to show me some tangible return.

- Tangible return? - Mm-hm.

Will your singing career be able to offer you, every evening...

the kind of dinner we had tonight?

Will it offer you a chateau on the Riviera?

I'm a very wealthy man now, Mary.

Oh?

Well, I didn't know that.

My dear Mary, I could show you, in the city of Paris...

a glittering miracle of wealth.

My wealth, Mary.

Right here in Paris? Really?

You tried to kill me. Why?

No, I just saw you walking. Please, you're choking me.

I'll choke the life out of you. Who sent you?

I don't know his name. But he had a beard.

It's true. It's true. A beard and an accent like yours.

- Oh. Oh, Max, you've gotta get the police. - No.

No.

My wallet.

Max, this is horrible. You've gotta call the police. He'll get away.

No, no, no. It's all right.

It was just a few business cards and a very little money.

What's the matter? What is all this?

I think it's Josef.

I'm not sure...

but I think Josef is trying to kill me.

What's happening here?

I beg your indulgence, monsieur. This is your suite?

Mine and my cousin's, yes. Explain yourself, please.

Inside.

Police Inspector Javert, monsieur, at your service.

I detected this scum from the street below.

He was crouching on your balcony.

I am long acquainted with his repulsive countenance.

If I may inquire, monsieur, have you any enemies?

Enemies?

I see what you mean.

He is a paid assassin. A few francs, a bottle of vin ordinaire.

He is not expensive, this one.

Who were you waiting for? My cousin or me?

- Speak, you disgusting little... - No, no, no, monsieur. No, no, no.

This grassy snake is in my charge. Huh?

Empty your pockets.

Hmm? The business card of a gentleman.

You are acquainted with the owner of this card, monsieur?

And I soon shall be. Evidence, monsieur.

Allons.

We go sweat you a little bit, eh, pussycat?

Inspector, wait.

Of course I know this Max Van Schreeten.

I'm sure this is just a prank.

He is quite a joker.

This one is no joker, monsieur.

And if your friend did employ him, this was no joke.

Please make yourself available as a witness, monsieur.

Oh. Pardon, monsieur.

Was that a cop?

- Didn't look like one. - No.

And my cousin Max doesn't look like a murderer, either.

From now on you're no longer working for my cousin and me.

Henceforth, you will work only for me alone.

And a rise in salary, of course.

I have a luncheon engagement.

I shall be back early.

All right.

He's alone.

I've paid you well, so do your work accordingly.

You. Deliver the receipt to the designated place.

- Is it safe? - Oh.

Yes. Grushenka's in the shower.

She gets a bit salty sometimes, doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

Ahem. You wanted to see me?

Oh.

Well...

Now...

Now, I know that I made a bargain with you, Mr. Solo.

But this deception just isn't fair.

Not to me and certainly not to Max, who cares for me.

You know, what you've done is you've just

turned me into a very attractive Judas goat.

All right, we'll cancel your singing engagement...

and you can go back to the Bronx.

Bronx?

What?

What is it? Fancy playboy again?

Coming now into the child's home, where she lives?

Out, my man.

Out of this place or I'll shred you up into shreds.

It's Max.

He's early.

Well, Max had better not see me.

Max? What is a Max? Are we having a parade here?

You take your oily eyes from this premises or I don't know what...

No offense, madam. I assure you.

I'm sorry, but we can't have you rocking the boat, can we?

Just a minute.

Merzavets! Negodiay!

Zver'! Negodiay!

Mon amie.

What now?

Allons.

My goodness. What was that all about?

This, my dear. Our passport.

From loneliness, from the city...

from my double-dealing cousin, to happiness.

And the first step toward that happiness is St. Lazare, s'il vous plaît.

St. Lazare. St. Lazare?

That's the railroad station. Max, what is this all about?

Our future, Mary.

I'm sorry to have had to uproot you so unexpectedly.

Uproot?

But I did not intend to let you slip away from me for another seven years.

Oh. Oh. The...

Now, just hold on here. Just a minute. I...

Max?

Are we going for a train ride?

I knew you would be surprised.

Max, this is just ridiculous.

I don't have any luggage. And what about my teacher, Grushenka?

I just can't...

The man who tried to kill me last night. I just saw him.

You keep this.

In addition to my life, he'll want the information this contains.

But just in case, darling. He'll never think to search you.

I don't understand.

The Alburg Express departs shortly.

I strongly suspect our nightingale friend is being eloped with.

She did manage to slip me what appears to be the top half...

of a claim check of some sort or other.

For the furniture, no doubt. Half a billion dollars’ worth.

What? In the furniture? Oh, now, that's rather sneaky.

I know. Mary and the diamonds both.

Me thinks our friend Max is seeking his own private Shangri-la.

Follow them, Illya.

We don't wanna give the bride away just yet.

Well, this part of the claim check says that it was issued by the Dupre Van Lines.

That means the furniture's going by truck. But where?

Well, you'll have to follow our fleeing Romeo.

I'll confirm the contents of the furniture...

when Josef arises from his afternoon nap.

Oh, by the way, I recall you saying...

you'd been sitting on the furniture when you were searching the place.

Illya? Illya?

Furniture receipt. Dupre Van Lines. So that's where they hid the diamonds.

You get on that train. Find out where they're sending that furniture.

The furniture. You know, I've been lying around on half a billon dollars.

Why those diabolical Dutchmen. Hmm.

To be sure of that, I shall now pay a little visit to the other cousin.

The furniture business may be only a diversion.

- What do I do about the girl? - She has a lovely voice, the young lady.

Kill her.

So it was in the furniture.

I'll kill him. I'll find him and I'll kill him.

Ah-ah-ah.

Not for about 20 years, you won't.

Unless you care to tell me where Max freighted the stuff.

By all means, Mynheer Van Schreeten.

Tell us.

What's mine is mine.

My diamonds. My traitor of a cousin.

Neither of you, whoever you are, shall precede me to those goals.

My man will return and when he...

Correction, mynheer.

You see, your man Corio happens to be my man Corio.

And he will not be returning.

What?

What's happening here? Who do you trespassers represent?

Thrush, I presume?

U.N.C.L.E., I presume?

What is this joking?

These are my affairs you're playing with. My diamonds.

My seven years of labor you're tossing back and forth between you like a parlor game.

Easy, Josef. Our friend here is not playing.

No. I don't deserve to lose my diamonds.

The planning, the execution was perfect. I will not lose my diamonds.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mynheer, you and your cousin are a pair of lucky amateurs.

Beginners luck, mynheer...

never persists.

Amateurs? No.

You will not ruin my plans, my life.

St. Lazare station.

That's right, that's right.

That's right, that's right.

He's the man. He's the man.

Razboynik!

What have you done to my Mary? Grushenka follows you.

Making me a prisoner while the other one steals my Mary.

He attacks me. See?

Allez, monsieur, allez.

We would also like to speak to you regarding a man who fell to his death...

at the rear of this building.

Yes, I understand your zeal, gentlemen. But actually, I have to catch a train.

You know that? Honest injun. Really, I have to catch a train.

Drop the gun. Drop your gun. Drop it.

Stay right where you are, gentlemen. Mes amis.

In no way do I represent American foreign policy, monsieur. Bonjour.

Excusez-moi, monsieur. Excusez-moi.

Bonjour.

I still don't know where we're going.

Now, really, that's not an unfair question considering the circumstances, is it?

There is a certain little picture-book town called Malreaux.

One leaves this train, the second stop from here.

Then one boards an old disreputable bus.

And one ultimately arrives near the border at Malreaux.

Where, by the way, one then becomes immediately, irrevocably, married.

Oh?

Oh.

Isn't that convenient?

- Shall we? - Mm-hm.

Solo here.

Well, how nice to hear from you after so long.

Have that left-out feeling, do you?

Don't be cute.

They almost buried me at the Tomb of the Unknown Spy.

When I did manage to get to my feet, it took me half an hour to find my trousers.

Where are you?

Assuming that you do know where you are, of course.

Well, I beat the train to the depot and I'm here now waiting to board her.

All right. You take an aspirin and rest for a while.

And then send out a Signal Four - Emergency Red for an U.N.C.L.E. helicopter.

And follow the tracks until you see either the train or my signal.

And take care, will you?

I have some friends waiting at the next stop.

They're expecting me to tell them where your furniture is being shipped.

How did you know?

Oh. Your little lady told me.

- Mary? - Inadvertently, of course.

She passed her half of the claim check onto someone else and I took it from him.

You gave... Is that true, Mary?

So my sweet, unworldly bride to be.

Oh. What a fool I've been.

But not such a fool as you, Corio...

if you expect me to tell you where those diamonds are being sent.

Oh.

Max, are you so disillusioned with the young lady...

that you won't exchange their destination for hers?

Max?

Max, please?

Look, Van Schreeten, if you don't tell me...

I'm gonna have to kill you to get the other half of that claim check.

I'm sorry, honey.

Apparently martyrdom appeals to this fool.

You may as well go first.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was empty.

Oh, the policeman from the balcony, I believe?

Well, for such a despicable fellow, you have an amazingly accurate memory.

You have a little bit of foresight. See, in my right hand there's a gun.

In it is a bullet and the bullet goes bang. Now hand me yours...

or the young lady goes with me when I go.

Napoleon, he does have a gun.

Huh.

You can sit there.

That's right. Now.

As quickly and as quietly as possible, I'm gonna kill the three of you.

You first, Mr... Mr.?

Solo.

No, wait. I'll tell you.

You and I have a different set of values, Max.

- No, Mary. - Now quiet. Quiet, Maxey.

Now, if you've got the magic words, young lady, let's have them.

Well, you just might end up killing us anyway.

Now, this train is slowing down and my friends are waiting.

Also, I'm waiting.

All right. The furniture is being delivered

by a van to a little town called Malreaux.

- Oh! - Thank you.

What are you two looking at each other for?

Napoleon?

He's gonna kill us anyway, isn't he?

Unfortunately, Thrush's handbook bears no similarity whatsoever...

to that of the Boy Scouts of America.

Thrush?

You're really marvelous, Solo.

However, the train is stopping and business is at hand.

Now, it's up to you to see that this crumbling wreck behaves himself...

when we get off. Otherwise...

the world's gonna lose an artist.

How's that for planning and punctuality?

One moment, messieurs, if you please.

Is there some kind of trouble?

Nothing to concern you, monsieur. Proceed about your business, please.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

You are under arrest, monsieur, for the kidnapping of this young lady.

You are quite well, mademoiselle?

Oh, yes. I'm fine.

No. It's too risky and it's not worth it.

Our main mission is the diamonds...

and they're on a moving van on the road to Malreaux. Come on.

A woman friend of yours, mademoiselle.

She apparently informed the authorities in Paris...

who contacted all the towns along the train route.

Oh.

You've got to understand this. You mustn't try to stop him.

He didn't kidnap me. He was just trying to help...

So it happens once again.

The dashing young criminal who whisks you away.

The suspense-filled night.

The moment when you peer into his eyes...

and you feel that after all he cannot be all bad, huh?

I see you read a lot.

Yes, but your little heart lies to you, mademoiselle.

Mary, help me to get out of here to Malreaux.

The diamonds are half yours, my dear.

- We can be free. - I am free, Max.

Listen, you just would have sat there and let me be killed...

for your ridiculous stolen diamonds.

Stolen diamonds?

Your name, monsieur, if you please. Hmm?

Max. Van Schreeten.

Be brave, mademoiselle.

I shall soon place you back in the bosom of your loved ones.

Mademoiselle.

Illya, are you all right?

That's it. Let's move.

Turn it back toward Paris.

Then, if U.N.C.L.E. does follow us, they'll be chasing in the wrong direction.

How's your head?

Illya?

No, I did not think of looking in the blasted

furniture. It's too obvious a hiding place.

That should be the road down there.

Well, that's a van but it's moving the wrong way.

If Thrush has already hijacked the furniture, they won't just continue along.

Let's take a look at the van.

Get into a rocket-attack angle.

Sweet dreams, gentlemen. We'll be back for you.

Now let's set this down on the furniture.

Huh?

I think maybe it is a fishy smell here.

Not at all, madam. It's a perfectly straightforward business transaction.

Max Van Schreeten gave this club to Mary.

And our organization will guarantee her a substantial purchase price...

with which to continue her studies in comfort.

Well, what did he say?

Well, he...

He wants you to go to Amsterdam tomorrow and see if you can find out...

how Max and Josef pulled off the robbery in the first place.

Buy why me? Wasn't our report satisfactory?

Well, there were one or two details. He couldn't quite understand...

how you managed to search the place without finding the diamonds.

And you told him?

Well, what could I say, Illya? I mean, I told him you forgot.

You what?

Well, Illya, you didn't want me to lie to Mr. Waverly, did you?

- Would you like to dance, Mary? - You blockhead.

Well, Illya, you should have told me that.

Napoleon.

Hey, pussycat. Dance with the lady.

Hmm? Oui?

You are Russian.

Illyusha, darling?

Illyushenka.

Darling.