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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,254 --> 00:00:05,435 ..learn about relationships is that you're never done 2 00:00:05,445 --> 00:00:06,822 getting to know someone. 3 00:00:06,832 --> 00:00:08,573 Everyone has secrets. 4 00:00:08,583 --> 00:00:09,863 Some are nice. 5 00:00:09,873 --> 00:00:12,021 You know how to make crepes? 6 00:00:12,839 --> 00:00:14,512 That is so cool. 7 00:00:16,253 --> 00:00:18,115 Some aren't as nice. 8 00:00:18,125 --> 00:00:20,500 And then there was Derek, and counting you, 9 00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:23,383 - that puts the total up to-- - Oh, I got your total. 10 00:00:23,845 --> 00:00:25,270 I've been counting along. 11 00:00:26,562 --> 00:00:29,070 And some are just weird. 12 00:00:29,089 --> 00:00:31,575 You're scared of the seven dwarfs? 13 00:00:31,580 --> 00:00:33,222 Just Doc. He's creepy. 14 00:00:33,239 --> 00:00:35,092 I mean the guy went to medical school. 15 00:00:35,106 --> 00:00:37,510 What's he doing living with six coal miners? 16 00:00:37,725 --> 00:00:40,191 Oh, man! I'm so excited. I couldn't sleep last night. 17 00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,111 - I bet you guys couldn't either. - Why? 18 00:00:42,127 --> 00:00:44,070 Only the Gala event for the Grand Opening 19 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,932 of Sharper Image's 500th store. Didn't you get my email? 20 00:00:46,945 --> 00:00:49,443 No, I blocked your address after the fourth time 21 00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:52,891 you sent me the video of the monkey sniffing his own butt. 22 00:00:52,908 --> 00:00:55,411 Come on! It's on me. I'm buying three of you foot massagers 23 00:00:55,428 --> 00:00:58,013 and one of you a nose hair trimmer. You know who you are. 24 00:00:58,327 --> 00:00:59,472 Come on, let's go. 25 00:00:59,488 --> 00:01:00,450 Okay, I'm in. 26 00:01:00,467 --> 00:01:02,761 - To the Willowbrook Mall! - To the Willowbrook Mall. 27 00:01:02,778 --> 00:01:05,713 Oh, it's at a mall? I'm not going. 28 00:01:05,727 --> 00:01:06,961 What? Why not? 29 00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:09,072 I just don't feel like going to a mall. 30 00:01:09,088 --> 00:01:11,000 We can split a Cinnabon. 31 00:01:11,015 --> 00:01:12,813 No, I'm really not going to go. 32 00:01:12,827 --> 00:01:15,713 - Come on, it'll be fun. - No, I don't go to malls! 33 00:01:17,256 --> 00:01:20,041 Sorry, I just don't like malls. 34 00:01:20,055 --> 00:01:21,682 Why not? 35 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,112 I'd rather not say. 36 00:01:24,446 --> 00:01:26,261 - Sharper Images. - But that's where clothes live. 37 00:01:26,296 --> 00:01:28,360 Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. 38 00:01:28,376 --> 00:01:30,760 If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. 39 00:01:30,777 --> 00:01:33,113 I think we should all just respect her privacy. 40 00:01:33,318 --> 00:01:34,540 Thanks, Ted. 41 00:01:34,555 --> 00:01:36,793 So, what's the deal with you and malls? 42 00:01:36,808 --> 00:01:38,601 I thought you said that, if I didn't want to talk about it, 43 00:01:38,638 --> 00:01:39,753 I didn't have to. 44 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,492 Yeah, with those people. 45 00:01:41,508 --> 00:01:43,383 But I'm your boyfriend. Come on. What is it? 46 00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:44,493 Did you get arrested at a mall? 47 00:01:44,525 --> 00:01:45,140 No. 48 00:01:45,156 --> 00:01:46,963 - Dumped at a mall? - Ted. 49 00:01:46,977 --> 00:01:49,070 Found out you were Canadian at a mall? 50 00:01:49,087 --> 00:01:50,053 Let it go. 51 00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:51,761 Trapped under a fake boulder at a mall? 52 00:01:51,777 --> 00:01:54,042 - Let it go. - Mauled at the mall? 53 00:01:54,058 --> 00:01:55,442 Let it go! 54 00:01:56,335 --> 00:01:59,560 And who gets trapped under a fake boulder at the mall? 55 00:02:00,535 --> 00:02:04,160 Not me in Ohio when I was nine, that's for sure. 56 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 57 00:02:19,887 --> 00:02:23,282 I don't get it. Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls? 58 00:02:23,296 --> 00:02:25,594 Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. 59 00:02:25,609 --> 00:02:26,961 The more you learn about a person, 60 00:02:26,977 --> 00:02:30,221 the better chance you have of hitting the fatal "Oh" moment. 61 00:02:30,238 --> 00:02:31,354 The "Oh" moment? 62 00:02:31,366 --> 00:02:35,121 Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail about a person 63 00:02:35,138 --> 00:02:37,233 that is going to be a deal breaker. 64 00:02:37,246 --> 00:02:38,881 It's a promise ring. 65 00:02:38,899 --> 00:02:42,413 I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married. 66 00:02:44,766 --> 00:02:46,642 I don't have an eating disorder. 67 00:02:46,659 --> 00:02:50,804 It's just when I put food in my mouth, I chew it, and then I spit it out. 68 00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:54,313 I just turned 30. 69 00:02:56,626 --> 00:02:59,201 So trust me, you want to postpone 70 00:02:59,218 --> 00:03:02,083 knowing anything about each other for as long as possible. 71 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:05,094 Mmm. I disagree. If there is some potential "Oh" moment, 72 00:03:05,106 --> 00:03:07,911 I want to know about it right away. I mean, what's the alternative? 73 00:03:07,988 --> 00:03:11,403 I now pronounce you, man and wife. 74 00:03:13,756 --> 00:03:15,114 I love you. 75 00:03:15,147 --> 00:03:17,283 I used to be a dude. 76 00:03:18,997 --> 00:03:20,623 Yeah, I agree with Ted. 77 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:23,581 In a real relationship, you share everything. 78 00:03:23,599 --> 00:03:26,084 That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets. 79 00:03:26,097 --> 00:03:28,483 You are such a cutie pie. Here's a quarter. 80 00:03:28,498 --> 00:03:30,363 Go play a song on the jukebox. 81 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,641 No, it's true. They tell each other everything. 82 00:03:32,658 --> 00:03:35,581 I can think of tons of things, there's no way Marshall's told you. 83 00:03:35,599 --> 00:03:36,803 Try me. 84 00:03:38,369 --> 00:03:40,131 Do you know about the time Marshall was in Trenton? 85 00:03:40,168 --> 00:03:41,811 Donkey ate his pants. Yup. 86 00:03:41,829 --> 00:03:43,421 Bill's bachelor party in Memphis? 87 00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:46,382 Oh, when they had to pump out all the nickels from his stomach? 88 00:03:46,396 --> 00:03:48,471 Wow. Okay. Seattle. 89 00:03:48,486 --> 00:03:51,312 Trick question. Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest 90 00:03:51,326 --> 00:03:53,443 because he's afraid of Sasquatch. 91 00:03:53,457 --> 00:03:54,714 Damn, you're good. 92 00:03:54,726 --> 00:03:58,264 I'm not afraid of Sasquatch, I just think we should all be on alert. 93 00:03:58,977 --> 00:04:02,001 Trust me. Not only do they tell each other everything, 94 00:04:02,019 --> 00:04:04,172 they want to know everything. 95 00:04:04,188 --> 00:04:06,392 So after the shower I was brushing my teeth. And I was like, 96 00:04:06,426 --> 00:04:08,301 "Oh, man! I wanted to have some orange juice. 97 00:04:08,318 --> 00:04:09,644 I should have done that first." 98 00:04:09,658 --> 00:04:11,314 But I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush. 99 00:04:11,348 --> 00:04:13,822 So I just went ahead and brushed them anyway. 100 00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:15,981 What happened next? 101 00:04:18,109 --> 00:04:20,794 Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing. 102 00:04:20,836 --> 00:04:23,542 Fine. Do you want to know what Robin's secret is? 103 00:04:23,556 --> 00:04:24,632 You know? 104 00:04:24,646 --> 00:04:26,101 Of course I know. 105 00:04:26,117 --> 00:04:28,031 She couldn't look at us, her face got flushed-- 106 00:04:28,049 --> 00:04:29,682 that's shame, my friend. 107 00:04:29,696 --> 00:04:34,482 Our friend Robin used to do porn, wait for it... 108 00:04:34,589 --> 00:04:36,544 ...ography. 109 00:04:36,636 --> 00:04:39,214 Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that. 110 00:04:39,227 --> 00:04:40,942 And it's ridiculous. 111 00:04:40,956 --> 00:04:42,463 I don't know. He could be right. 112 00:04:42,479 --> 00:04:45,164 She does have the fake orgasm noises down. 113 00:04:45,179 --> 00:04:45,952 Hey! 114 00:04:45,967 --> 00:04:47,564 What? The walls are thin. 115 00:04:47,577 --> 00:04:50,253 That's not what I'm "hey"ing you about. 116 00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:52,262 You know what it might be? 117 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:56,213 This is going to sound a little crazy but what if Robin is married? 118 00:04:56,226 --> 00:04:58,864 Married? What does that have to do with the mall? 119 00:04:58,879 --> 00:05:01,554 Well, maybe she got married at the mall. 120 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,253 Back home in Minnesota, a ton of people get married 121 00:05:03,287 --> 00:05:05,324 at the Mall of America. It's great. 122 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:08,043 There's this gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures, 123 00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:10,553 numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable-- 124 00:05:10,669 --> 00:05:13,611 - We are not getting married at the mall! - Well, just meet with the guy. 125 00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:16,283 She's not married. Robin hates marriage. 126 00:05:16,298 --> 00:05:18,711 Because she already got married. 127 00:05:18,727 --> 00:05:20,442 At the mall. 128 00:05:20,456 --> 00:05:23,614 No, because before Robin moved to New York, she... 129 00:05:24,088 --> 00:05:25,583 What was she doing? 130 00:05:25,639 --> 00:05:27,761 Well, I don't know. Whenever I ask her about Canada, 131 00:05:27,779 --> 00:05:29,964 she kind of clams up. 132 00:05:29,978 --> 00:05:31,822 She's a pretty private person. 133 00:05:31,838 --> 00:05:34,704 Except when she's talking about... 134 00:05:34,719 --> 00:05:37,261 Oh, a friend of mine in Canada got married way too young 135 00:05:37,276 --> 00:05:39,793 and it really turned her off to marriage. 136 00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,494 What do you think of this wedding cake? 137 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,003 Oh, I like it. 138 00:05:43,018 --> 00:05:44,522 Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada 139 00:05:44,559 --> 00:05:46,163 who got married way too young? 140 00:05:46,176 --> 00:05:49,502 Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Fields' giant cookie. 141 00:05:50,779 --> 00:05:52,084 No. 142 00:05:54,308 --> 00:05:56,991 My friend in Canada who got married way too young, 143 00:05:57,008 --> 00:05:59,374 they had to do their vows twice, once in French. 144 00:05:59,389 --> 00:06:00,961 They speak French there, too? 145 00:06:00,973 --> 00:06:02,951 God, that place is a mess. 146 00:06:03,970 --> 00:06:06,956 So you don't think there's any "friend" from Canada? 147 00:06:06,961 --> 00:06:08,263 Oh, I'm sure there is. 148 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,972 Just like I have a "friend" who wet his bed till he was ten. 149 00:06:10,988 --> 00:06:12,682 Use your brain, Ted. 150 00:06:15,507 --> 00:06:17,491 Guys, there's no way Robin is married. 151 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:19,244 It's ludicrous to even suggest it. 152 00:06:19,257 --> 00:06:21,501 - Thank you, Barney. - 'Cause it's porn. 153 00:06:21,518 --> 00:06:23,172 I need another beer. 154 00:06:23,519 --> 00:06:26,471 Robin was not in porn. I bet you anything that she's married. 155 00:06:26,486 --> 00:06:28,074 $20,000 says it's porn. 156 00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:29,412 I don't have $20,000. 157 00:06:29,429 --> 00:06:31,311 Well, then what do you have? 158 00:06:32,008 --> 00:06:33,883 - Well... - No. 159 00:06:34,636 --> 00:06:37,332 I've got it. The ultimate wager-- 160 00:06:37,348 --> 00:06:38,621 slap bet. 161 00:06:38,638 --> 00:06:40,862 Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid. 162 00:06:40,879 --> 00:06:42,182 What the hell's a slap bet? 163 00:06:42,198 --> 00:06:44,171 Whoever is right gets to slap the other person in the face 164 00:06:44,207 --> 00:06:46,464 as hard as they possibly can-- but no rings. 165 00:06:46,478 --> 00:06:49,152 Are you really going to do that? That's so immature. 166 00:06:49,168 --> 00:06:51,873 - You can be Slap Bet Commissioner. - Ooh, I love it. What are my powers? 167 00:06:51,906 --> 00:06:54,941 Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, that's your job. 168 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,733 But you have to be unbiased 169 00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,991 and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. 170 00:07:00,006 --> 00:07:02,732 This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. 171 00:07:02,748 --> 00:07:04,471 On your tombstone, it will read, 172 00:07:04,488 --> 00:07:07,814 "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, 173 00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:09,804 Slap Bet Commissioner." 174 00:07:10,377 --> 00:07:14,653 And your tombstone will read "Got slapped by Marshall, so hard he died." 175 00:07:16,159 --> 00:07:20,172 Okay. What if I just ask Robin point blank if she has a husband? 176 00:07:20,187 --> 00:07:22,281 You said you would respect her privacy, 177 00:07:22,298 --> 00:07:24,471 so maybe you should just drop it. 178 00:07:24,656 --> 00:07:26,351 Yeah, you're right. 179 00:07:28,258 --> 00:07:29,694 Husband. 180 00:07:31,257 --> 00:07:33,232 There's no "P" in husband. 181 00:07:33,248 --> 00:07:36,231 Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands. 182 00:07:36,688 --> 00:07:38,772 Fine. I'll take it back. 183 00:07:39,057 --> 00:07:41,831 Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, this is great, you're going to love this. 184 00:07:41,869 --> 00:07:44,464 Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason 185 00:07:44,476 --> 00:07:46,004 you didn't want to go to the mall the other day 186 00:07:46,037 --> 00:07:50,131 is because you got married at a mall and have a husband in Canada. 187 00:07:51,508 --> 00:07:53,902 I told him he's crazy. Because he's crazy, right? 188 00:07:53,916 --> 00:07:56,341 I mean, how crazy is that? 189 00:07:56,666 --> 00:07:58,672 Are you asking me if I'm married? 190 00:07:58,689 --> 00:07:59,951 Well, you can ask me. 191 00:07:59,966 --> 00:08:02,091 Nope, I'm not married. Your turn. 192 00:08:02,108 --> 00:08:04,211 What happened to respecting my privacy? 193 00:08:04,227 --> 00:08:06,882 Look, just say, "No, I'm not married." 194 00:08:06,897 --> 00:08:08,712 Ted, I don't understand why you can't-- 195 00:08:08,727 --> 00:08:11,271 Just say, "No, I'm not married." 196 00:08:11,287 --> 00:08:12,923 I can't. 197 00:08:13,079 --> 00:08:14,943 Marshall's right. 198 00:08:17,037 --> 00:08:19,741 I was young and I got married. 199 00:08:19,756 --> 00:08:21,724 It was a mistake and he moved away, but... 200 00:08:21,736 --> 00:08:24,561 yeah. I'm married. 201 00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:35,513 You have a husband? 202 00:08:35,526 --> 00:08:37,452 I was young and stupid 203 00:08:37,468 --> 00:08:40,734 and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall 204 00:08:40,747 --> 00:08:43,492 and I... I haven't been to a mall since. 205 00:08:43,507 --> 00:08:44,862 Why didn't you get divorced? 206 00:08:44,878 --> 00:08:47,333 He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like... 207 00:08:47,348 --> 00:08:48,751 eh, good enough. 208 00:08:48,767 --> 00:08:50,972 Good enough? That's not good enough. 209 00:08:50,986 --> 00:08:54,082 You order pancakes, you get waffles, that's good enough. 210 00:08:54,098 --> 00:08:57,281 Look, I haven't seen him in years. 211 00:08:57,297 --> 00:09:00,142 It's just a part of my life I want to forget. 212 00:09:00,569 --> 00:09:03,444 Just please don't tell anyone about this. 213 00:09:04,498 --> 00:09:06,153 Okay. 214 00:09:09,084 --> 00:09:11,522 Dude, your hand is monstrous. 215 00:09:11,535 --> 00:09:14,240 Yeah, well, what'd you expect? You've seen my penis. 216 00:09:15,775 --> 00:09:18,510 I can't believe you told us Robin's secret. 217 00:09:18,525 --> 00:09:21,092 What? How could I keep something like that to myself? 218 00:09:21,107 --> 00:09:22,452 And you begged me to tell you. 219 00:09:22,464 --> 00:09:23,912 No, I didn't. 220 00:09:24,355 --> 00:09:26,959 Please tell us. Just tell us. I'm begging you. 221 00:09:26,977 --> 00:09:29,170 Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Please please please-- 222 00:09:29,185 --> 00:09:31,670 Fine. Robin's married. 223 00:09:33,597 --> 00:09:35,761 Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. 224 00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:37,681 I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you? 225 00:09:37,695 --> 00:09:39,699 See that's just it, I'm not the boyfriend. 226 00:09:39,716 --> 00:09:41,119 I'm the mistress. 227 00:09:41,135 --> 00:09:42,570 No, not the mistress. 228 00:09:42,585 --> 00:09:44,072 The mastress. 229 00:09:44,086 --> 00:09:45,620 The master. What do you call it? 230 00:09:45,637 --> 00:09:47,731 Uh, pretty sure we're going to call it mistress. 231 00:09:48,734 --> 00:09:51,930 What am I going to do? My girlfriend's married. 232 00:09:51,945 --> 00:09:53,482 Do I ask her to get a divorce? 233 00:09:53,494 --> 00:09:56,660 Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. 234 00:09:56,676 --> 00:09:58,732 It's like their money, or their army. 235 00:09:58,746 --> 00:10:00,789 Nobody takes it seriously. 236 00:10:00,806 --> 00:10:01,990 It's serious to me. 237 00:10:02,006 --> 00:10:03,899 You know what, in some countries, if you been separated 238 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,652 for longer than five years, technically, you're no longer married. 239 00:10:06,664 --> 00:10:09,209 I can check it out at the law library at school. 240 00:10:11,336 --> 00:10:14,139 I can see my hand print on your face. 241 00:10:14,316 --> 00:10:16,871 Don't get too cocky, Slappy. 242 00:10:16,887 --> 00:10:19,940 I just got a shipment of porn from Canada I have to go through. 243 00:10:19,956 --> 00:10:21,949 I won the bet. Why are you still searching? 244 00:10:21,965 --> 00:10:23,762 Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong. 245 00:10:23,795 --> 00:10:27,120 Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn. 246 00:10:27,164 --> 00:10:29,371 Canadian porn. 247 00:10:29,386 --> 00:10:31,921 Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system 248 00:10:31,934 --> 00:10:34,370 doesn't cover breast implants. 249 00:10:34,457 --> 00:10:37,370 If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian 250 00:10:37,385 --> 00:10:39,660 riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni 251 00:10:39,674 --> 00:10:42,140 I'll go out of my mind. 252 00:10:45,195 --> 00:10:46,929 - Hey. - Hey. 253 00:10:47,186 --> 00:10:49,130 Listen, dude, I got to talk to you, 254 00:10:49,146 --> 00:10:52,301 but you got to promise me that you won't tell Barney. 255 00:10:52,317 --> 00:10:54,819 Fine, I won't tell Barney. What is it? 256 00:10:56,094 --> 00:10:58,580 - Robin's not married. - What? 257 00:10:58,595 --> 00:11:00,080 Why would she tell me she was? 258 00:11:00,095 --> 00:11:02,241 I don't know, but I cross- checked every record in Canada. 259 00:11:02,275 --> 00:11:04,131 There's no record of her ever being married. 260 00:11:04,146 --> 00:11:05,270 There must be some mistake. 261 00:11:05,287 --> 00:11:07,092 I promise you. She's not married. 262 00:11:07,104 --> 00:11:09,451 She's not great at parking legally either. 263 00:11:09,895 --> 00:11:13,321 So she lied to me? W--What am I going to do? 264 00:11:13,336 --> 00:11:16,360 I-I can't confront her, 'cause then she'll know I told you. 265 00:11:16,994 --> 00:11:18,649 You got to lawyer her. 266 00:11:18,665 --> 00:11:21,209 You got to ask her a bunch of questions, try to trip her up, 267 00:11:21,224 --> 00:11:22,799 maybe make her feel guilty, whatever it takes 268 00:11:22,834 --> 00:11:24,640 to get a confession out of her. 269 00:11:25,805 --> 00:11:27,981 Thanks for telling me your secret. 270 00:11:27,995 --> 00:11:30,450 It means so much to me, that you could be so-- 271 00:11:30,465 --> 00:11:32,299 God, what's the word I'm looking for? 272 00:11:32,386 --> 00:11:33,461 Honest. 273 00:11:33,474 --> 00:11:35,260 Mm, thanks, Ted. 274 00:11:35,274 --> 00:11:37,409 Yeah. You know what's probably the best part about your honesty? 275 00:11:37,445 --> 00:11:39,279 How truthful it is. 276 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,401 I say we just move on. 277 00:11:42,447 --> 00:11:44,552 Well, for me to get total closure on this whole 278 00:11:44,565 --> 00:11:46,861 "my girlfriend has a husband" thing, 279 00:11:46,876 --> 00:11:48,531 I think I might need a little bit more information, 280 00:11:48,566 --> 00:11:50,469 like what month did you get married? 281 00:11:50,487 --> 00:11:52,319 June. We had a June wedding. 282 00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:54,680 Ah, Canada in June. 283 00:11:54,695 --> 00:11:56,512 That's the dream. 284 00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,349 Sit-down or buffet? 285 00:11:59,995 --> 00:12:03,130 Well, it's... weird that you don't remember. 286 00:12:03,147 --> 00:12:05,312 No, I just didn't know how to answer 287 00:12:05,327 --> 00:12:08,271 because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium, 288 00:12:08,284 --> 00:12:11,312 but the actual dinner was a buffet in the Food Court 289 00:12:11,327 --> 00:12:14,711 featuring a filet mignon or a roasted potato-crusted salmon 290 00:12:14,727 --> 00:12:17,450 with a lobster scallion beurre blanc. 291 00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:21,930 Band or DJ? 292 00:12:21,944 --> 00:12:24,110 A string quartet played at the ceremony, 293 00:12:24,127 --> 00:12:27,122 but for the actual reception, we had a seven-piece band. 294 00:12:27,135 --> 00:12:28,882 We paid extra for the sax 295 00:12:28,895 --> 00:12:32,429 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound. 296 00:12:32,447 --> 00:12:34,121 - How many bridesmaids? - Seven. 297 00:12:34,135 --> 00:12:35,440 - Flowers? - Azaleas. 298 00:12:35,456 --> 00:12:37,741 - Color scheme? - Dusty rose and sienna. 299 00:12:37,755 --> 00:12:39,541 Husband's name. 300 00:12:42,087 --> 00:12:43,780 - You were never married! - Yes, I was. 301 00:12:43,794 --> 00:12:45,720 - No, you weren't. - How do you know? 302 00:12:45,735 --> 00:12:47,121 I looked it up at the library. 303 00:12:47,136 --> 00:12:50,709 - What library? - The one on Fifth. 304 00:12:50,727 --> 00:12:52,630 - When did you go? - Today at lunch, 305 00:12:52,647 --> 00:12:54,680 and I had an apple brie panini with potato salad... 306 00:12:54,696 --> 00:12:56,920 I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. 307 00:12:56,936 --> 00:12:58,529 What database did you use? 308 00:12:58,547 --> 00:13:03,171 I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000. 309 00:13:04,246 --> 00:13:06,150 Fine, Marshall looked it up at school. 310 00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:08,300 - You told Marshall?! - You lied to me! 311 00:13:08,315 --> 00:13:10,212 See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. 312 00:13:10,225 --> 00:13:12,770 You were supposed to be the one person I trusted the most 313 00:13:12,785 --> 00:13:14,452 and even you couldn't keep a secret. 314 00:13:14,466 --> 00:13:15,782 But it was a fake secret. 315 00:13:15,797 --> 00:13:18,059 Yeah, I was testing you and you failed. 316 00:13:18,074 --> 00:13:20,451 And now you're never gonna know why I don't go to the mall. 317 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,469 And it's good, too. 318 00:13:22,487 --> 00:13:24,371 You were testing me? That's insane. 319 00:13:24,386 --> 00:13:27,149 Oh, yeah? How long did it take for you to tell Marshall 320 00:13:27,165 --> 00:13:30,000 my biggest secret in the world? Five minutes? 321 00:13:30,015 --> 00:13:32,871 - That wasn't a real secret! - Yeah, but it could have been. 322 00:13:32,887 --> 00:13:34,232 You are driving me crazy! 323 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,149 No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong. 324 00:13:36,167 --> 00:13:38,420 He moved there for business. 325 00:13:40,026 --> 00:13:41,161 You. 326 00:13:41,175 --> 00:13:42,910 You got something to say to me? 327 00:13:43,145 --> 00:13:44,731 What are you talking about? 328 00:13:44,744 --> 00:13:47,769 I know Robin was never really married. 329 00:13:47,984 --> 00:13:50,700 How could you possibly know that? 330 00:13:54,476 --> 00:13:57,962 And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed. 331 00:13:57,994 --> 00:13:59,570 How about you? 332 00:13:59,804 --> 00:14:02,921 Oh, let's see, uh, first I took the subway to school. 333 00:14:02,934 --> 00:14:04,220 Then I got a bagel. 334 00:14:04,235 --> 00:14:06,592 Then I went to the library and found out Robin was never married. 335 00:14:06,626 --> 00:14:07,722 Crazy. 336 00:14:07,735 --> 00:14:09,832 Then I was hungry again, so I went down to the vending machine, 337 00:14:09,864 --> 00:14:13,002 but by the time I got down there, I wasn't even hungry anymore. 338 00:14:14,284 --> 00:14:16,380 - You told him? - I had to. 339 00:14:16,394 --> 00:14:18,732 I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. 340 00:14:18,746 --> 00:14:21,840 Believe me, this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you. 341 00:14:21,857 --> 00:14:24,771 Don't count on it. I've been practicing on a tree trunk. 342 00:14:25,464 --> 00:14:28,291 - Barney gets three slaps. - Three? 343 00:14:28,305 --> 00:14:32,350 One because you lied and two for being prematurely slapped. 344 00:14:32,364 --> 00:14:33,490 Three slaps. 345 00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:34,591 But-- 346 00:14:38,636 --> 00:14:40,501 Oh, my God. 347 00:14:40,515 --> 00:14:43,041 - Are you gonna cry? - No. 348 00:14:43,136 --> 00:14:45,052 You're gonna cry. 349 00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:50,410 I just don't think it's healthy to keep big secrets in a relationship. 350 00:14:50,425 --> 00:14:52,332 My parents didn't really talk to each other for 30 years 351 00:14:52,364 --> 00:14:53,442 and now they're divorced. 352 00:14:53,455 --> 00:14:55,249 I have shared more of myself with you 353 00:14:55,266 --> 00:14:57,361 than I've ever shared with anyone. 354 00:14:57,376 --> 00:14:59,511 I'm asking for this one secret, 355 00:14:59,525 --> 00:15:03,291 which has nothing to do with us, to just be mine. 356 00:15:05,387 --> 00:15:07,962 So I just got a very interesting phone call. 357 00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:09,392 What are you talking about? 358 00:15:09,407 --> 00:15:11,180 I know Robin's secret. 359 00:15:11,197 --> 00:15:12,810 - What? - That's right. 360 00:15:12,826 --> 00:15:14,579 I know your secret, Robin. 361 00:15:14,596 --> 00:15:18,390 Or should I say Robin Sparkles? 362 00:15:18,744 --> 00:15:20,312 How do you know that name? 363 00:15:20,325 --> 00:15:22,199 Because I know the truth, 364 00:15:22,216 --> 00:15:24,792 and I am about to show it to you right now. 365 00:15:24,807 --> 00:15:26,501 Gather 'round, Ted, you're gonna want to see this. 366 00:15:26,534 --> 00:15:27,961 Yeah, no, I don't. 367 00:15:27,976 --> 00:15:28,889 What? 368 00:15:28,907 --> 00:15:31,420 Robin wants to keep this a secret, so... 369 00:15:31,434 --> 00:15:33,202 it's gonna stay a secret. 370 00:15:33,447 --> 00:15:35,980 Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. 371 00:15:35,997 --> 00:15:37,361 You see, in my research, 372 00:15:37,374 --> 00:15:39,751 I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia 373 00:15:39,765 --> 00:15:42,529 who is in possession of a certain videotape. 374 00:15:42,547 --> 00:15:44,819 He just emailed me that it will be up and running 375 00:15:44,837 --> 00:15:48,339 on My Space in about... right now. 376 00:15:49,335 --> 00:15:53,020 Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. 377 00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,539 I mean, I'm guessing. 378 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:55,690 Barney, don't, okay? 379 00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:57,789 Robin, please don't panic. 380 00:15:57,805 --> 00:15:59,820 I'm only gonna show enough to prove to Marshall I was right. 381 00:15:59,856 --> 00:16:02,081 No, Barney, I said we're not watching this. 382 00:16:02,096 --> 00:16:03,882 No, it's time. 383 00:16:03,986 --> 00:16:05,739 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, 384 00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:09,162 but if it's out there, there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. 385 00:16:09,637 --> 00:16:11,950 Let's just watch it and be done with it. 386 00:16:12,084 --> 00:16:14,280 Are you as terrified as I am? 387 00:16:14,645 --> 00:16:17,192 I don't want to get slapped again. 388 00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:22,122 I want to stress that I was young. 389 00:16:22,134 --> 00:16:23,329 Yeah, you were. 390 00:16:23,346 --> 00:16:24,701 And I didn't know any better. 391 00:16:24,716 --> 00:16:26,261 They never do. 392 00:16:26,276 --> 00:16:28,919 And it started out as an innocent modeling job. 393 00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:30,950 It always does. 394 00:16:31,776 --> 00:16:33,722 Please, Mr. Johnson. 395 00:16:33,737 --> 00:16:36,100 I'm sorry I was a bad girl. 396 00:16:36,115 --> 00:16:38,769 Please don't give me detention. 397 00:16:39,116 --> 00:16:43,709 Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you? 398 00:16:47,125 --> 00:16:49,202 Oh, my God. 399 00:16:49,215 --> 00:16:51,211 Well, obviously, I've been proven right, 400 00:16:51,227 --> 00:16:53,269 so in the interest of Robin's dignity, 401 00:16:53,286 --> 00:16:54,541 I won't show anymore. 402 00:16:54,557 --> 00:16:57,349 Plus, it's getting late. It's already slap o'clock. 403 00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,349 What the hell was that? 404 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:03,089 Uh, I slap bet Marshall that you did porn, so I win. 405 00:17:03,106 --> 00:17:07,051 Porn? I wish it was porn. It would be less embarrassing. 406 00:17:08,164 --> 00:17:09,622 I know. 407 00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:13,269 How about I sing you a song? 408 00:17:19,476 --> 00:17:22,451 Let's go to the mall, everybody! 409 00:17:28,336 --> 00:17:31,721 I was a teenage pop star in Canada. 410 00:17:32,326 --> 00:17:34,329 # Put on your jelly bracelets # 411 00:17:34,347 --> 00:17:36,382 # And your cool graffiti coat # 412 00:17:36,394 --> 00:17:38,022 # At the mall, having fun # 413 00:17:38,034 --> 00:17:41,081 # Is what it's all about # 414 00:17:41,096 --> 00:17:44,419 This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. 415 00:17:44,435 --> 00:17:46,331 - That's you? - Yes. 416 00:17:46,347 --> 00:17:48,179 I had one minor hit. 417 00:17:48,196 --> 00:17:52,199 I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. 418 00:17:52,217 --> 00:17:56,369 For a whole year, I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels. 419 00:17:56,387 --> 00:18:00,021 # Everybody come and play # 420 00:18:00,034 --> 00:18:04,219 # Throw every last care away # 421 00:18:04,237 --> 00:18:07,499 # Let's go to the mall # 422 00:18:07,516 --> 00:18:09,501 # Today # 423 00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:13,610 If this is the '90s, why does it look like 1986? 424 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:17,362 The '80s didn't come to Canada till, like, '93. 425 00:18:18,084 --> 00:18:22,210 Taking a break from the first of many, many viewings, 426 00:18:22,225 --> 00:18:24,779 I can't help but notice that this isn't porn. 427 00:18:24,796 --> 00:18:27,590 And yet, a slap occurred without the permission 428 00:18:27,605 --> 00:18:29,629 of the Slap Bet Commissioner. 429 00:18:29,647 --> 00:18:33,319 Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation. 430 00:18:33,357 --> 00:18:34,839 Oh, my God, Robin's rapping. 431 00:18:34,856 --> 00:18:36,160 Guys, Robin's rapping. 432 00:18:36,176 --> 00:18:38,021 # Went to the mall with # # a couple of friends # 433 00:18:38,037 --> 00:18:40,361 # I had a whole week's # # allowance to spend # 434 00:18:40,575 --> 00:18:42,642 Okay, I'm going to give you a choice. 435 00:18:42,657 --> 00:18:45,279 Either ten slaps right now in a row, 436 00:18:45,297 --> 00:18:47,819 or five slaps that can be doled out 437 00:18:47,837 --> 00:18:51,380 at any point from here to eternity. 438 00:18:51,455 --> 00:18:52,811 You go with the ten now. 439 00:18:52,825 --> 00:18:54,790 No way, why get ten when you can get five? 440 00:18:54,804 --> 00:18:56,820 Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment, 441 00:18:56,854 --> 00:18:58,579 you could get slapped in the face, would drive you crazy. 442 00:18:58,617 --> 00:19:00,232 I'm going to go with the five for eternity. 443 00:19:00,266 --> 00:19:02,851 - Good call. - Horrible call. 444 00:19:04,445 --> 00:19:06,779 Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. 445 00:19:06,794 --> 00:19:07,669 Take it easy. 446 00:19:07,684 --> 00:19:09,610 This is going to be fun. 447 00:19:11,286 --> 00:19:12,661 # Let's go to the mall # 448 00:19:12,766 --> 00:19:15,359 # Let's go to the mall # 449 00:19:15,377 --> 00:19:17,059 # Today # 450 00:19:17,215 --> 00:19:19,252 So just to be clear, 451 00:19:19,267 --> 00:19:23,350 you wanted everybody to go to the mall today? 452 00:19:24,656 --> 00:19:27,340 Wow, we're going to watch this a lot. 453 00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:30,671 I can't believe I ever wore a Bedazzled jean jacket. 454 00:19:30,796 --> 00:19:32,292 Hey, just so you know, 455 00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:34,990 16-year-old me would have been all over you. 456 00:19:35,006 --> 00:19:38,162 You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had. 457 00:19:38,246 --> 00:19:40,991 Hey, uh, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. 458 00:19:41,007 --> 00:19:42,912 I probably should have left it alone. 459 00:19:43,297 --> 00:19:44,871 You know what? 460 00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,691 You know me better now. 461 00:19:47,455 --> 00:19:49,349 That feels kind of nice. 462 00:19:55,775 --> 00:19:57,490 That's one. 463 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:06,384 # Everybody come and play # 464 00:20:06,398 --> 00:20:09,954 # Throw every last care away # 465 00:20:09,966 --> 00:20:10,834 Wow. 466 00:20:10,848 --> 00:20:13,772 # Let's go to the mall # 467 00:20:13,788 --> 00:20:15,543 # Today # 468 00:20:15,558 --> 00:20:17,184 Did you have to laugh like that every time? 469 00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:18,574 Yes. 470 00:20:18,939 --> 00:20:20,881 # This boy I like # 471 00:20:20,898 --> 00:20:22,712 # Met him at the food court # 472 00:20:22,727 --> 00:20:24,214 # He's got hair like Gretzky # 473 00:20:24,227 --> 00:20:26,762 # And he does jumps # # on his skateboard # 474 00:20:26,776 --> 00:20:28,871 # I hope he asks me out # 475 00:20:28,886 --> 00:20:30,753 # Take me to my favorite spot # 476 00:20:30,767 --> 00:20:32,394 # It'll be just him and me # 477 00:20:32,407 --> 00:20:35,512 # But don't forget the robot # 478 00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,924 The robot. Hey! 479 00:20:39,259 --> 00:20:41,972 # But, baby # # I don't want to wait # 480 00:20:41,986 --> 00:20:42,712 # Let's do it # 481 00:20:42,726 --> 00:20:44,301 No, she doesn't want to wait. 482 00:20:44,319 --> 00:20:46,253 # I'm gonna rock # # your body anyway # 483 00:20:46,268 --> 00:20:48,901 # I'm gonna rock your # # body till Canada Day # 484 00:20:50,398 --> 00:20:54,373 # Everybody come and play # 485 00:20:54,386 --> 00:20:58,212 # Throw every last care away # 486 00:20:58,228 --> 00:21:01,794 # Let's go to the mall # 487 00:21:01,808 --> 00:21:06,553 # Today, today, today, today # 488 00:21:06,879 --> 00:21:08,792 # Let's go to the mall # 489 00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:10,754 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 490 00:21:10,768 --> 00:21:12,631 # Let's go to the mall # 491 00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:14,672 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 492 00:21:14,687 --> 00:21:16,534 # Let's go to the mall # 493 00:21:16,546 --> 00:21:18,624 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 494 00:21:18,638 --> 00:21:20,561 # Let's go to the mall # 495 00:21:20,576 --> 00:21:22,691 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 496 00:21:22,706 --> 00:21:24,664 # Let's go to the mall # 497 00:21:24,678 --> 00:21:26,711 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 498 00:21:26,728 --> 00:21:28,583 # Let's go to the mall # 499 00:21:28,598 --> 00:21:30,983 # Let's go to the ma-a-all # 500 00:21:30,997 --> 00:21:34,731 # Today # 501 00:21:35,526 --> 00:21:39,402 Transcript : Raceman Subtitles : Willow's Team www.forom.com 502 00:21:40,305 --> 00:21:46,175 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from OpenSubtitles.org 38213